Wondering if your BPD ex will come back to you? Trying to get your ex back? Read this article.
So you were in a relationship with a BPD that was absolutely amazing for several months.
It was probably some of the best moments you’ve ever had in life: amazing sex, amazing happiness, your heart feeling full, etc.
Your BPD ex leaves you for someone else out of nowhere. Everything was great just the other day. What the hell happened?
You can’t believe how quickly everything went down hill. Your partner was great the other day, and then today? It’s as if he/she became a completely different person.
I’ve been there. I had a break up with an ex-BPD girlfriend several years ago that motivated me to start blogging.
Writing articles about BPD and relationships and dating has helped me grow and move forward as a better, stronger individual.
Eventually, people started asking me for help with their BPD relationships. I’d get emails from people daily offering me money for personal coaching.
These days, I call myself a mindset/mentality coach because your beliefs and attitude will absolutely determine the health of your BPD relationships.
When it comes to BPD ex girlfriends or boyfriends, understand that the only way they’ll come back is if they realize that you’re the best thing to ever happen to them.
Getting this message across can take some time. You can’t verbally display this. The points I cover in this article will give you the best chance at sending that strong message.
And if you’re looking for a full-fledge course on BPD relationships…
Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
With all that said, let’s get into it.
1. You Must Stop The Blame Game
Personally, I don’t like the whole BPD label. In fact, most doctors these days don’t even want to diagnose BPD because it’s become such a broad way of describing behavior.
The BPD label makes it really easy for you to throw the blame onto your partner and assume it’s because of their disorder that everything went to hell. You believe that you’re not the one responsible for this break up.
So, I want to change that going forward. No more blame games. No more finger-pointing like a politician in the goobermint.
Most people don’t like hearing this part. But relationships take two and if your relationship failed, you’ve got to suck it up and accept personal responsibility for those failures.
Yes, even if your BPD ex cheated on you and left you for someone else.
I have dated girls who left their boyfriends for me. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make the woman a bad person?
Not really. Sure, it can cause pain to someone else, but love is battlefield. You can’t help who you’re attracted to.
It sucks that your partner left you for someone else — but it IS a part of life and if you sit around and blame other people for this, you’ll end up creating even more problems… or doing something stupid that you’ll later regret…
I don’t sugar coat things. If you want your BPD ex back, then this first lesson is truly the most important of them all.
Learning to accept responsibility and avoid making further mistakes (which will only push your partner further away) is a major part to success.
I learned about taking responsibility through the lives of many successful individuals and popular figures such as Brian Tracy, Richard Branson, Elliot Hulse, Steve Jobs, Jim Rohn, Zig Zigler, Ryan Lee, Ben Settle, etc.
They all have stated countless times that the key to happy, fulfilling relationships is to stop the blame game and accept responsibility.
It’s truly the only factor that separates a mature adult from an immature man-child.
People that like to throw labels around and blame others for their own misfortune never find success in their relationships (and life) because they’re too worried about protecting their ego.
It’s a very common yet disastrous mindset that cripples most people. The ego is a powerful beast and it works to protect itself. It will blame your “crazy” girlfriend and have you feel clean from blame.
I get a lot of angry comments from some special snowflakes who are upset about this. They are so convinced that BPD is to blame. They attack me and call me an idiot.
But, they don’t realize that BPD and codependency are simply flawed mindsets. My coaching podcasts and courses have helped thousands of men and women improve their mindsets for better relationships.
So, instead of sitting around wondering why your partner is playing hard to get, spend your time on productive things like personal growth and development, hobbies you enjoy, traveling, starting a business, and so on.
If you want any chance of getting your BPD ex back, the first task is to accept responsibility for the relationship and stop blaming your partner.
Only then can you move on to truly learning about what it takes to date a person with BPD and what’s required to date these interesting (and fun) individuals.
Ultimately, people are attracted to those who have great core values. These are the basis of your fundamental beliefs. Your current mindsets are defined by your core values.
You must have great core values if you wish to experience the rare adventure of a high-quality, loving relationship. Most people never experience this.
2. Learn The Basics of BPD Relationships
When it comes to BPD relationships, it’s all about living in the moment. It’s all about today and doing what you can going forward to make your future experiences the best they can be.
The biggest factor in a healthy BPD relationship is educating yourself. It’s gaining the knowledge and the skills required to be an awesome, fun, interesting, intelligent, empathetic, knowledgeable, sociable, multi-dimensional individual.
It’s also required that you learn about codependency. This is actually a bigger problem in my opinion. If you’re a codependent, then you need to focus on fixing this issue with yourself.
BPD relationships are complicated. There’s no denying that. But it isn’t a label that you can just toss around.
After years of dating Borderlines, I’ve basically trained myself how to handle and respond correctly to all the “crazy” behaviors that you’ll experience.
By responding in the correct way, you separate yourself from everybody else who has reacted poorly. This makes you more desirable than his or her previous partners.
As a result, your partner sees you as the best person she or he has ever been with.
In my Better BPD Relationships course, that’s ultimately the goal. It teaches you how to set yourself up for success in the relationship. As a result, your BPD partner will see you as the best person for him or her.
More than 80% of my clients are actually hardcore codependents. They don’t realize this until I point out the obvious behaviors.
Codependency is a form of neediness that can quickly eradicate all forms of attractiveness within minutes.
Yes, people with BPD can be difficult to date at times. But they aren’t drastically different from other ‘normal’ people.
The most important factor in your relationship is that you’re absolutely not needy or codependent at all.
I can’t express how important it is that you research codependency. Whether it’s through my website and my books or not, just educate yourself on it.
If you’re on the losing side of a relationship where your partner leaves you, lies, and cheats, then it’s easy to just say they have BPD and blame him/her for it.
At the end of the day, these BPD symptoms are rarely the true cause of the relationship ending.
If you lack the correct mindsets, if you lack emotional control, if you’re needy, codependent and lack the patience and discipline… you’ll have a tough time getting your BPD ex back you want so badly.
3. Focus On The Individual
A lot of websites will list out a bunch of symptoms and behaviors that Borderlines tend to have.
They describe personality disorders as traits with a “twist” that can co-exist with normal behavior patterns.
The question that you should always ask yourself is this: what is “normal?”
In this day and age, we’re taught that men and women are equal. Masculinity is evil and if you disagree, you’re probably a ” toxic, angry white male.”
But, healthy relationships can only happen when the woman embraces the feminine polarity and the man embraces his natural masculinity.
To do otherwise results in the “normal” state of relationships that you see all around you: men are weak, passive and fearful of losing the woman.
As a result, the woman is unhappy because she needs masculinity in her life every day. If she doesn’t get it from you, she’ll get it from someone else.
Same sex relationships are the same: you’re either the masculine force in the relationship or you’re the feminine. There’s a “top” and a “bottom” for a reason. Who’s the more dominant in your relationship?
The point of all this is that these BPD “behaviors” are more common than ever before these days. To focus on a list of broad, common behaviors will do you no good.
In fact, everybody has a personality disorder of some type. I’ve been saying for years that all humans have one or more symptoms of BPD.
If your partner left you, it’s for a good reason. They lost the attraction they once had for you. Perhaps you gained weight, became needy and insecure, lost your confidence, sucked in bed, etc.
The fact of the matter is this: relationships end for simple reasons. It’s never complicated. At the end of the day, your partner no longer finds you attractive.
This is the truth and it’s why your BPD ex is no longer interested in you.
Of course this can change in the future, but you need to accept responsibility and accept this truth before you even think about getting your ex back.
4. Borderlines Have Different, Often Rough, Upbringings
People with BPD have usually had rough childhoods. And it doesn’t have to be physical trauma.
Psychological trauma is just as damaging on a child’s mind.
Did you know that many people often go through life without having any authentic, genuine friends or family?
It’s true and it’s why some people struggle so much with basic human interaction.
In my case, I was constantly shamed as a child for having feelings towards women. As a result, I developed into an extreme codependent that tried so hard to please women in a perfect way.
This is an issue that happens due to sexual shaming during your teenage years.
Because most humans grew up with some sort of shaming, we resort to mind games and manipulation in order to get what we want.
It’s not just Borderlines that do this — even your typical “nice guy” does this constantly. He’s constantly “nice” because he wants pussy.
I grew up thinking that you needed to be nice to everyone to get love. That’s obviously not true and it’s an unhealthy way of seeing the world.
In fact, girls would rather date the asshole than the nice guy due to this truth. This has been scientifically proven. Nice guys truly do finish last.
Borderlines still want to love and be loved. But their idea of love is probably different from yours. That’s just how it is.
And, sometimes you’re simply not the right person for your BPD ex. You may need to accept this reality and move on. There’s nothing wrong with this.
I know that people with BPD are charming and sexy. That’s often why you got hooked in the first place.
But don’t let the honeymoon period fool you into thinking the relationship is anything more than just fleeting emotions.
So How Do You Get a BPD Ex Back?
The reason why BPD relationships usually end with you having a broken heart is because the break up comes out of the middle of nowhere – usually because you’re blind to the reality of the situation.
I got an email from a man recently showing me a conversation he had with his BPD wife that left him a few months ago. He kept saying how she’s the crazy one and she’s always trying to throw a pity party.
But when I saw the conversation, it was very clear that he just did not understand the deeper meanings of what she was saying. He couldn’t see beyond the words and read between the lines.
He wasn’t really listening to anything she said. He just saw what she wrote and reacted to the things he saw. He couldn’t see beyond the words, the bigger picture, what’s really going on underneath the surface which is what I specialize in teaching.
I wrote a big email back to him explaining the bigger picture and how he fails to see what she’s really saying. Thus, he is actually the one responsible for a lot of the relationship issues. I can’t blame his ex at all for being frustrated and leaving him. He just didn’t understand her at all.
But that’s what I’m here for. I understand that it’s really fucking difficult to read the bigger picture. I have clients in their 60’s+ that just never learned how to actually communicate with their spouses over 30+ years.
Understand that since you attract what you project, you too have deep-rooted insecurities just like your partner. Due to the fear of abandonment, often times your partner will stick around even though they’ve lost all attraction for you.
Moving forward, your task now is to simply be someone they can reach out to. Chances are this isn’t the last time you’ll hear from him or her. They often times will text you when they’re feeling lonely and depressed.
The question then becomes whether you’ll have changed for the better and be able to show this new side of you, or will you be the same old person that they lost interest in?
This is why I always say that being single is okay. This is your time to shine and change your mindsets. Develop that attractiveness and understanding.
Because believe me, it’s not just BPD’s that want great partners – it’s everyone. Men are so desperate and thirsty these days that women can’t go anywhere or do anything online without some guy trying to get her number or get her on a date or whatever.
Knowing this, a woman can leave you at any moment and have hundreds (or thousands) of guys ready for her immediate attention.
So it’s not just people with BPD that are incredibly turned off by most men – it’s all women. So this is the time for you to make some amazing mindset changes and actually be different from everybody else.
Be attractive and desirable so when your BPD ex reaches out to you in the future, you’ll be ready for it. You want to be impossible for your ex to pass up!
So take this time to learn and open up your mind. Learn about the growth mindset that I teach and live a life of fulfillment and enjoyment.
Getting A BPD Ex Back Requires Different Thinking
There really isn’t anything you can say or do actively to your ex-BPD that will make him or her want you back immediately. You need to instead focus on your own actions and development that will make you more attractive.
This doesn’t mean you spend all your time thinking about how to be attractive to your ex. You need to instead focus on what you want to do with your life and pursue that in an attractive way.
Remember that your ex had feelings for you in the past. It just didn’t work out due to many factors that you and your ex are responsible for. But you can learn the skills you need to be better so all of your future relationships work out.
The other factor is time. I’ve helped both men and women get their BPD ex back. But it just takes time and patience. And a clear view of the big picture. Clarity is always huge in life AND relationships.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
If you’d like to check it out, then just click that link and you can read more about it. If not then that’s cool too. I just hope I’ve been able to teach you something today that you’re able to apply in your relationship.
Are you currently trying to get your BPD ex back? Share your story in the comments below and I’ll help you out!
It’s been over a year and you’re still affected by this woman? Sign up for my course man. Commit to it so you can change your mindsets and get on the track to independence. Tackling this issue gets rid of heartache in a matter of weeks. You’ll be feeling better within days. So don’t sit here and disrespect me when you still have terrible mindsets that are nothing like what I teach.
Damn Rick, Lighten up on the dude, You’re still real young, When you get some LT experience with the accompanying years, You will see how silly having “Game” and all that Alpha Beta nonsense doesn’t fly when they and you mature and try and gracefully age,, And the growth and wisdom (hopefully) that comes with it, The Alpha or Beta stuff is lame when the women finally mature and surrender to their missteps and work it, warts and all, They will know that a King of Kings doesn’t do all black or all white, All Alpha or (God forbid) All Beta, There is a major Majority of class acts who are of the high esteem to be whatever the feel dictates, You’ll figure it out, In the meantime the dude wasn’t dissin your stuff, Thicken that skin up son…And support your brother and less all you…OK? ok…:)
OH, BTW, If I didn’t admire your youth and inexperience, I wouldn’t be here reading your script……”_”
wow…nothing like telling someone who they are….what their problem is…and what they need. Sounds like awful therapy to me, and awful advice. “what you need is my new book” Right…I’ll pass.
Good of you to find a 2 year old comment. That really takes dedication. I don’t even sell books anymore :)
Do you mean that it´s only up to the male-non-BPD in the relationship to make the relationship work?
If the woman-BPD in the relationship is in denial of her illness and don´t work with herself through Therapy etc, do you mean that it is ok as long as the male-non-BPD work with himself and following your recommendations and that this will be the solution to make the relationship work?
Isn´t it best if both the non-BPD and the BPD work with themselves and their personal issues?
The first step to curing any sickness you may have is first admitting that you’re sick. Most people, not just borderlines, are in denial about a lot of things. For example, anyone who enses up hurt from a borderline is usually a codependent. This is why I wrote Overcoming Codepenency (access it inside of my Relationship Academy). When you’re no longer codependent and you know how to make boundaries, demand respect and not fall for games, BPD relationships become MUCH easier. In fact, the BPD ends up loving you for real because you’re the first guy who can “put her in her place” as they always say :)
Sometimes its more harmful to know about the malady. Until I was aware of my wife’s BPD tendencies, I had odd ways of explaining her behavior. I thought she was plain cranky and immature. But the day I found a jargon for all this, I started getting impatient. Things appeared to be gloomy and doomed and I was fast loosing hope.
Rick, I agree with this. My BPD fiancé, became very destructive with drinking, cheating and lying. I saw through it, packed a small bag and left without warning, right in the middle of a move. I literally was sitting with the Uhaul filled, in the driveway of the new house, left the keys in the ignition and drove two states away and left. I only planned to leave for the night, but her behavior spiraled downhill, her drinking and cheating escalated, so I just stayed away.
It’s was tough love. She realized I wasn’t coming back until she cleaned up her act, we reconciled, however, I never moved back and we’ve been separated for two years now. I’ve broken up with her 10+ times but she always come back. Her behavior gets arrogant, and she Hoover’s, but I’ve learned to detach during these events. When I detach, she goes silent but then always comes back, even with a boyfriend. But the boundaries I place on her, stop her from using me as a doormat, if used by a doormat these people become un-attracted to you. I even will start dating other woman, and then she try’s to clean up her act as soon as possible. The BPD partner will cheat and always have multiple partners, as a way to feel they will never be abandoned. Continuing our relationship, separated probably is the only way we’ve lasted so long. Because living with a BPD or close by, is toxic. It’s weird, the BPD never really wants an all-in relationship with one person, too risky for them. My BPD partner, expresses she wants to be with me long term, but when I start dating, you never know, I could meet someone else and move on which will be the case, unless she comes back quicker than I move in. Lol the games zz
In your latest article you talked about attraction, losing attraction, and doing a 180 to help it.
I have a BPD ex. I see the problems we had clear as day now. She is in a relationship but tries keeping contact with me. I DO NOT contact her. I get anything from the simple “hope you are doing good” text to “I miss you”. It’s even gotten sexual since I like to flirt & charm. There were points where I accepted a hangout or two with her, had a great time, and she would con her way into spending the night. Recently, I’ve gotten things like “I want to talk with you… I still have a lot of feelings for you…” and she’s now decided to start kissing me when I do end up seeing her (very occasional). All if this is sporadic. Some weeks my phone blows up every day, some weeks it rarely does but she wants to hang out and act like we’re dating (intimate talk, “us” talk, kissing, etc.). She gets jealous over other women, mad when I cant hang out, mad when I don’t respond to her text/calls in the timeframe she wants, etc. I handle this shit pretty well (not perfect) but I’ve recently back way off. She’s mad (go figure). I simply told her “look I adore you, so stop. I’m giving you space, like I felt you want & focusing on myself. If you want to be part of my life, you will”.
She knows I’m interested & would be open to giving it another go. I know how to handle shit when she pulls her “highly emotional” stuff. My “predicament” is: I don’t know the best way to handle this. I don’t want my actions thus far to portray I’m waiting around, or a weak, doormat by talking, hanging out while she’s dating someone. I’m casually dating other women but they are not nearly as exciting and fun as she is and I get bored.
I want to do what you preach: Flip her impression 180 degrees; bring back some of that desire & attraction. I’m just not clear on the best way to do that in this scenario. Can you give me some help?
You attract what you project. This is one of the most important lessons you’ll learn when it comes to ANY relationship. Dating an inconsistent Borderline? Then you should be just as inconsistent as her. She flakes on you? Then you flake on her. She doesn’t text you? Don’t text her.
Kisses don’t mean anything. They’re nothing compared to kissing her all over her body, having sex, etc. So don’t feel like a kiss on the lips means anything. Let her be overprotective if she wants, but you should definitely be dating other women who actually want to have sex with you. Your ex doesn’t need to know about it. You also don’t need to be talking to her that much. Don’t be her emotional tampon. It’s not fun and it won’t get you the girl.
again, rubbish, when she flakes on you and then you flake on her, or not text, they just see that you are not safe, abandoning, hurts them way way too much, and they start splitting. And when you’re having sex with someone else, she’s gonna find out cause they stalk, and then the shit will hit the fan and you become the worst person in the world, forever! No, the only way for hope is when they come to the self awareness of how much hurt they’re causing themselves and their loved ones .. but when they’ve got a good entourage of flying monkeys and ego-feeding validating circle who “have their uses”, the only thing one can do is move on, recover, and then begin again with a healthy relationship. We don’t need to be codependents to fall for these bpd;s and narcs. My bpd was the most loving woman ever, but also became the most hard hearted woman who thinks nothing of me now .. and I did not deserve this
Think what you will, but I didn’t write the rules of the game — what I teach is nothing revolutionary. It is the same tried and tested attitude that’s been used for centuries. Women MUST pursue the man, or the relationship is doomed. This is why when a woman is cold, not texting, flakey, etc., you should give her space, hang back and let her reach out to you. Even if it takes a week or two or more. But go ahead and do things your own way. It didn’t work for you last time, but by all means stick to your failed ways.
As a women with BPD I will totally flip if a man don’t text me and give me space. Even if I tell him I want space if he give me it I will see it as he doesn’t care and will split. But that’s just me as a BP I fear abandonment and The worst thing a man can do is to not contact me I will flip out.
This is just classic attachment insecurity. You’re basically not happy as your own person, so you feel like you need a man to feel “complete” and lovable. Obviously, it’s a major issues that you need to work on. This is why I teach people to first learn to love themselves. Everything else comes together when you accomplish this.
Rick ! Please help I am in love with a gorgeous woman who suffers from BPD . We have been through many break ups yet, this one was rather minor in contrast and she seemingly isn’t coming back, she said so, yet, she has done this before . In our most recent break up, I caught her within a minor lie . Even with solid, tangible evidence, she denied it and stormed out, I haven’t seen her since . I have an email tracker so, I see she had checked CERTAIN types of emails, every time she responds it is hateful, I know this is a front though . But, I don’t know why she wont come back . She says she isn’t with another, I also noticed certain personal things she could’ve said to hurt me within her emails she didn’t . Then once, she even said something to the effect of the only reason she was responding to my emails was because she tried to block me and couldn’t . Bullshit ! But, why wont she return, oh, and she hasn’t openly admitted she is BPD but, wont deny it when I suggest such unlike if I say she’s Bipolar, etc. . I have told her that I know, and that I understand and where I don’t I would like to . I think this scared her, etc., I know she loves me even though in her emails she says contrary . Well what do u think ? HELP PLEASE !
I think you should leave her because she’s a liar. You can’t trust her. Don’t get into relationships with someone you can’t trust.
What i REALLY meant by the 180 thing is what you mentioned in your last article about flipping MY behaviors 180 to some of that attraction. Kind of like influencing her to see another side of me she has not know, but is starting to. I don’t believe i need to flip ALL of my behaviors but I will admit, while i’m handling things much better, i do sometimes slip and give in to her a little. Right now she’s gone fairly silent since my response to her little freak out about me “ignoring her”. If she starts communicating again & things move forward once more, an ultimatum will be on the horizon.
You know what?I was doing things so screwy with my girl that i was the one getting pissed cause of her ignoring me,chasing her,sending the pointed emails,god I wish I found this site sooner.
I have read a few of the articles on this site and am struggling with issues regarding my ex-wife who met EVERY CRITERIA for BPD. She was also under 3 to 5 different mood stabilizers and anti-depressants which was a recipe for disaster. That being said, what I’m reading here has helped me cope so much and I’m very thankful for that!
I asked for a divorce last summer after being emotionally and verbally abused, and withheld from intimacy for a good majority of our 3 year marriage. She insulted family members, her friends, my hobbies, and anything that didn’t involve praising her.
Shaking an ex who has BPD is incredibly difficult to do. She, like many other BPD’s was very beautiful, and sunk her claws into me so early on that it was impossible to leave her. Even to this day, I struggle with our separation and will go into relapses of wanting to desperately to be with her again. They will sink into your very soul like no other will.
I have remained strong and have had very little contact with her, but when I recently tried to get some closure from her (very big mistake) she used it as an opportunity to hurt me. Since I am no longer her husband, I’m not even classified as a person with feelings, therefore I am seen as completely useless to her, even though I tried to be cordial and nice to her.
A mere three months after our marriage was over, she has started seeing someone else, beginning a new destructive pattern. She has not allowed herself to heal, which was apparent in our last meeting. I truly hope this guy doesn’t have to suffer as much as I did.
Unfortunately, we find out later about these things before it is too late. I hate to say this, but to those guys who are dating someone with BPD, RUN don’t walk away from this person. Nothing is worth the suffering.
I am prepared for her to come back into my life…I have heard this happens quite often when they are feeling defeated, rejected, and they realize how good they were to you. I have my armor ready.
Great advice. The worst part of dealing with a BPD is that you know how well you treated them and that you held your tongue soooo many times and walked on eggshells, but according to her you never did that. Also you know how it will be if you let her back in. Be careful
Well, if you’re holding your tongue and walking on egg shells, of course the relationship is going to be bad. You MUST put your partner in her place when she is being disrespectful. If you don’t, then she’s going to think that she can just keep treating you poorly since you put up with it. That’s NOT GOOD, lol. And it’s actually the man’s fault when he does this! You two both really need to get my Overcoming Codependency course to further drill the right mindsets into your head. It will do wonders for your relationships.
Anthony, my friend, you already know the anguish and pain, yet, you say that you are prepared to get her back. You just tried some closure and she hurt you again. Yet, you want her back?
The mistakes we make with BPDs is that, we assume this time it will be different, but it never never gets any different. No matter how prepared you are, she will most definitely hurt you again. I am not sure if this is a general trend, but my BPD wife was extremely promiscuous. She was disloyal and always desired other men (even woman).
It will never be different unless you approach the relationship with a completely different attitude, mentality, belief system and all that. That’s why it’s really pointless to get an ex back unless you have spent a lot of time really internalizing what I teach here.
Hey Rick, your advice is awesome and extremely helpful, so thank you. I just had a question.. My girl broke up with me out of the blue and now just wants to be friends.. I just want to know how is someone supposed to act towards their ex in order to work towards making them want you back romantically in their life? Is friendship ever a good route, or should you deny a friendship/cut them off/no contact. Also when you bump into them what is the best way to act toward them to make them want to be with you again? Advice would be greatly appreciated
Updating my response to this comment: I recently wrote and article AND recorded a podcast about the mindsets and attitude you need to get a girl to see you as more than friends — this includes an ex girlfriend. You can access this high-quality training inside of my Relationship Academy.
If you want an ex to love you again, you MUST have a much tougher mentality. You must punish harshly. You cannot be a doormat. You cannot let him/her walk all over you. This is a requirement. It’s an ATTITUDE shift. Women are turned ON by strong attitudes. This is what a borderline needs more than anything because of their “daddy issues.”
Hi, my name is Matt. My girlfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. It was somewhat mutual, however I wanted to get back after 3-4 days of no contact. She was adamant of not getting together. She claimed I was abusive since I called her a bitch (about 10 times over 13 months approx.) I know its not right to call people deroagatory names, and I was always sorry after. But no matter how sincere the apology, she would always say, “if you were really sorry, you wouldn’t ever do it again.” What can I even say to that besides people make mistakes? she can ‘t take any of the responsiblity for the relationship ending. Her previous boyfriends cheated on her and treated her with very little respect. For the most part I treated her like a princess. Took her on vacations, out to nice dinners, movies, etc. She came from a poor family, and her previous boyfriends never did that for her. After we broke up, i asked her, “wasn’t I good to you the majority of the time?” She said, sometimes….But you can’t buy my love. That hurt me bad, bc I did it to give her the things I thought she deserved. We’ve had sex twice since we broke up. I’ve been to her house once to hangout by the pool for over an hour. she came over a couple days later, and we had sex for the first time since we broke up. We both cried after. It was the first time she opened herself to be vulnerable since we broke up. But immediately after she gave me the cold shoulder and wanted to leave. I asked her if it was makeup sex or breakup sex, and she said it was just something we both wanted. she now says shes confused and needs time. She says she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now, but she says she still wants me to be in her life. i wanted to be patient so she could grow, get doing crazy shit out of her system(shes 18, im 25), and realize how much she use to love me…But I dont’ know if my heart can bear keeping hope alive, only to be rejected again. Shes graduating high school 3 weeks from now, and I know she is putting off talking about US until the summer comes(if she ever decides to talk about us) Why would I want someone who doesn’t want me? I feel like if I heal her, i’ll heal myself in the process. Should I cut her out of my life completely and tell her im moving on with or without her? or continue to be patient, and give her space….i feel like my best chances of getting together are being patient, but how patient can I be? i knew she had mental problems, but not until reading this forum did i realize she had bpd.
She is not BPD, may be you are.
She doesn’t have BPD. You are way too emotional which is a turn off. You cried after sex? That’s probably one of the biggest turn offs for a woman. Women wants a strong MAN, not an emotionally weak one. A weak man cannot protect a woman from her own emotional turmoil. This is why Borderlines are able to rip through most men so easily. Only the strong survive!
I dated someone with what I think was BPD. She would change her mind, her university degree all the time. Had eating disorder and Depression. After 3 dates she just disappeared; no phone calls, no nothing. And she never get back to me.
Does she have BPD? if yes, what would motivate them to drop out after 3 dates?
You can’t really tell if someone has BPD until I would say at least a couple of months into a relationship. Even then, it’s hard to tell. I teach people to not use BPD as an excuse for the relationship failing. BPD or not, if you have the right attitude and behaviors going into a relationship, it can be successful.
Okay so I read your article and i dnt know if you can help me but any help would be appreciated..soo i been knowing this bpd girl since i was 16..6 yrs…never had sex..her parents were too strict so we would see each other few times a month but tlked everyday on the phone..the one time we almost had sex which was lik 2 years ago I forgot the
condom :(…prob one of the most intense emotional times i’ve ever had..so thats wen the problems began…one day we argued i
said dnt wanba tlk to you anymore…and we didnt for a month…but for some reason ever since the forgotten condom she…wenever she summons up the courage to come see me…when she shows up she then seems terrified of me..stepping back wen i even walk towards her..only to then say well im leaving, though shes only been there 2min.. After 2 times of her doing that and not much phone tlk i thought i would jus forget about her…until she started the facebook games…trying to add me as fake profiles jus so she can see wat im up 2 i guess….i knew she was doing this about a month ago and initiated contact with her..and she was very short and to the point with responses then stopped altogether…as a matter of fact i wished her a hapoy birthdsy a couple of days ago and it lead to an argument….man i know im weak for even letting this wirry me and get this far but…ig nevet having sex with het is wat made me feel more like a goofball..and it irritates me knowing she will continually pop up forever…..can you help me with this rick? If not i understand…wat would do..
There are lots of things you can do sexually without a condom. I would have said “Yeah I don’t have a condom, but I’ve got other ways to make you feel good” and then you go down on her. But truthfully, the reason things went downhill was because you got way too affected by not having a condom. You probably apologized and became weak. You need to always be the man — have strength. Yeah, you forgot a condom but it’s not the end of the world. “Just because I don’t have a condom doesn’t mean we can’t have fun ;)”
Notice the attitude difference?
Ermm men can have BPD also?? And actually Rick although I appreciate your sentiments and positive thinking, your proposition that relationships with BPD people ‘fail’ because the ‘non-BPD’ person is not strong enough or does not have the right attitude to cope with the behavior/personality of the BPD (and become dependent and bore them? wtf?) is flawed. In my experience BPD people can be extremely abusive and damaging, so yes I agree that there is a two dynamic in operation of course, but both parties need to grow.
Male BPD is much different than female BPD. Both are behavioral disorders and a result of extreme insecurity. At the end of the day, each person is different. If you’re going to date someone like this, then you got to know what you’re getting yourself into and also know how to deal with it. A good first step is to not be needy and therefore non-reactive.
You are right Rick, but why even date these people, because in the end, it will just be a hugeass waste of time.
Can you eloborate a little bit more on the differences between male and female BPD? And how to deal with a male BPD ex?
It doesn’t matter what gender you are — if you have a passive personality, you will get destroyed by the Borderline. On the other hand, if you have a strong personality, you’ll be much better off.
Why? Because they are exciting people! Every highly emotional girl I’ve dated has been extremely fun to be with. They’re not boring. When you’re a real man, these relationships are positive. You don’t experience the negativity despite what other’s say.
I agree 100%. If I had only know about bpd before I got attached tho is the problem, but I will take this advice to my grave. Thanks!
Rick I found out about BPD the hard way. Smoking hot girl, double major in college, basketball star, and a history of dating “Assholes.” If I had met this girl when I was in college it might have worked better because I really acted they way you describe all the time, cause I really didn’t give a rats-ass. And it drives all girls crazy, for all I know a few of the flings I had back then were BPD. Any way I thought “this girl has got everything and I’m getting older I should start being the White-Knight get serious with someone”, ya know! Wrong! She got a job in a new town where I live after only a few months of dating and shit went south. I was super confused but I had to get out I knew that. After she triggered one night, at asked her a couple times if she still wanted to dated and of course it pushed her to say no she didn’t want to. I had already been researching depression cause I knew there was something wrong and eventually came across BPD. Man I was floored haha everything fit to a T! She works at a school that a female acquaintance of mine works at and I guess she is running around trying to get someone to hook her up with a guy. I really would like to get back at her with my knew found knowledge and I’m pretty sure I have a shot at hooking up with this acquaintance. (they don’t like eachother) The acquaintance is totally not looking for a relationship so I don’t think I would be in the wrong there. My big question is do you think this will bring the BPD girl back or not? Either way push comes to shove I’ll probably do it I’m not really in love with the BPD girl just really would like the opportunity to “Grow”
As long as the ex wants you back, you can do it easily. The problem that most people have is that the ex doesn’t want you back. Therefore, it’s impossible to get him/her back. If you want an ex to notice you, then you need to MOVE ON and living a great life. The ex will notice and wonder why you’re doing so well. From this position, you can slowly work your way back into his/her life (especially if they want to meet up). Just follow the dating advice I give in my Relationship Academy and you’ll have a good chance of getting your ex back.
I’m not really sure how I would go about
“make her invest the time and energy to get you.”
What would that entail, please?
It’s exactly what it says. Be a fun, attractive male so that she’s attracted to you and makes attempts to see you. If you’re being all depressed and sad because you’re single, you’ll only further disgust the ex. So, get out there and live life. Be ATTRACTIVE in general.
Why didn’t I found this website two years ago? Once I had this “time of my life” with this BPD girl, and then all of a sudden she dumped me. To make it short, I thought we loved each other, she was pregnant, everything was heaven. I became very soft, and my feelings poured at her feets. One day she just called me and said she felt nothing. I was in shock. Then, the next day she knocked on my door and stayed with me for three weeks. Then the roller coaster began at real. She had numberous relationships, but always came back to me. I thought she loved me. Deep inside. And I was stupid! I knew she had borderline from day one, but knew nothing about it. But when we broke up, I started learning everything I could about it. And how important it was to always be there for her, to always support, because “they” tend to forget easily. And I started becoming this pathethic man. Whatever she did to me, I took her back. And I still do. Two years ago. I can’t look in the mirror anylonger and smile. Like I used to do. You are so spot on Rick. I have been living in this nightmare for so long time, and I can’t wake up. But you are telling me something different. Maybe I have found a path out of here. Your book is for sure prioritized by now :)
Yeah man definitely grab my book. You MUST be the strength of the relationship when dating a Borderline. No question about it. BE the strong man. None of this pouring out emotions at her feet. That’s B.S. None of that. Never be that guy. Never be that emotional tampon. It is a turn off for these women.
You obviously didn’t read it. It’s not about saving them – you can’t save anybody but yourself. I just do me and whether a girl is BPD or not, it doesn’t affect me. Love or not, as long as we’re both enjoying the relationship that is all that matters. You have a lot to learn :)
I have a BDP ex. I agree with much of this. I realise he won’t want me back while I’m clingy and weepy. And once I get strong and happy – I won’t want him back.
Is there a possibility that a BPD can be an NPD and a codependant, or a counterdependant?
They’re all different man, that’s the thing about BPD’s. I hate that word BPD because it makes it so easy for people to classify someone “Oh, she’s a bpd ok that makes sense.” That’s just fail to do this. My goal is for people to stop thinking BPD and instead just think about the behavior that’s going on and work on yourself to be the person that is ultimately extremely attractive and strong. This will definitely change the way your partner sees you.
And remember: in MOST cases, a shift in your attitude and mentality can completely alter the way that your partner (and people in general) treat you.
Hey WOW!! Well spoken, No challenge or diss to Rick the person, but an intelligent experienced observation on tendencies,, A pleasurable look at a whole mans reality and opinion,, Much respect to you WOW..Carry on sir
My “fiancee” and i have 3 children together he left me about a month ago. It’s pretty obvious that he was either cheating or wanting to cheat on me because of things that happened. He is now pursuing the girl from work and leaving me behind telling me he doesn’t love me anymore. Note we have defiantly been down this Rd before but it was before we had children together. He must have bpd because he has every symptom and he is very sporadic. The girl he left me for has been in a previous on again off again relationship he has always returned to me in the past and cut off contact with the “other girl” should i be worried that he is just looking to start the pattern with someone who is new but knows the ropes. Or do you think the fact that we have children will keep him coming back to me once the new toy is no longer shiny and broke
He sounds like a complete shit head of a man. Well, he’s not a man — he’s just a little boy who never grew up. Maybe your kids will be better off without him. Either way, don’t let his idiocy bring your kids down. They are the victims of this whole ordeal. Be there for them and teach them to be strong.
My wife has EVERY symptom of BPD but hasn’t been diagnosed in person. My therapist says that’s what she has, from what I’ve told her, from destructive rage, major trust issues (freaked out over Jessica Simpson in a commercial), feels unloved and worthless and now bashes everything from my career to my body, etc. I’m a career firefighter in good shape….I was her hero and “the greatest husband, father & soulmate”, she would always profess on Facebook, to friends, etc. Then, she bit me…yes bit me….I tried to stop her from running out of the house after she talked of stepping in front of a bus. She was frantic and woke our 9 month old, bit me and ran out leaving me stunned and our daughter screaming. then returned as if nothing happened 30 min later. She filed for divorce and it was devestating. She bad mouthed me on Facebook like crazy and I learned that she did this to other exes as well, including creating fake FB pages dedicated to calling them “Scumbags”….I reached out to her dad and 2 girlfriends for help and they told her, turned on me and now she took a restraining order out on me! Unreal… The day she bit me she was professing her love for me! I love her with all my heart and recently learned about the BPD. Her parents had given me subtle hints about her behavior and setting boundaries early on, but they never elaborated and she was so nice and smitten, I didn’t know what they were talking about and now they turned on me. She HATES me, is living with her parents and has our daughter. What are the odds she will ever want to be peaceful or reconcile or even get back together? Do the moods change that much? How do I handle this? I want to make peace for my daughter’s sake and would like to work on our marriage, now that I understand it…Wish I knew about BPD earlier…. Thank you.
Hey bro, sorry to hear about your situation. That truly sucks. My suggestion for you is to not reach out to her. You really got to let her go for now as it will calm the storm. I would suggest not reaching out to her at all until she reaches out to you. It sucks when shit like this happens, but understand that your girl obviously has issues that she never really told you about before marriage – that’s her fault, not yours. It’s not your job to press for these issues. There are strategies and such that I use to figure these things out but that’s for another conversation. For now, you need to simply not reach out to her, don’t talk about her to any of her friends/family, only talk about with her people you can TRUST. Keep it this way until she reaches out to you.
Here’s bone for you. What do you do when the ex starts contact after three months. She hasn’t been clinically diagnosed but all the symptoms are there. Do you proceed/continue with contact or walk? She’s with another guy but on a constant basis she says she’s “Miserable”. Is it a case of looking to start up again or is it a simple way of her trying to look for sympathy?
Lol women do this all the time. They complain about their boyfriends but they stick with them and keep having sex with him. It’s just words. Women are attracted to that “alpha” attitude and a lot of abusive men also have this attitude. Therefore, a lot of women stick with the man despite being abused. It’s sad but it’s just reality.
The good news is that you can have this “alpha” attitude without being an abusive asshole. These are the BEST types of men out there, and it’s exactly what I teach. I have articles and podcasts about this inside of my Relationship Academy so be sure to check them out! Start with the Boyfriend Destroyer article and podcast.
There are so many woman out here without BPD, why put up with it at all? I met a 52 year old woman who appeared like an absolute sweetheart. We quickly grew close, despite her constant worrying, her cutting, her New Age beliefs, her chronic thoughts of emptiness, her mood swings, her emotional immaturity. She believes she’s going to die during the summer of her 68th year because a guru told her so when she was younger. She’s sexually traumatized, possibly the result of childhood sexual abuse, and a pattern of abusive relationships. She engages in one-night stands with men of questionable hygiene, STD status, and sexual history. One day, out of the blue, she turned on me, gave me the cold shoulder. I didn’t have a clue why this happened, and tried to understand the reason. From that moment on, she was on borrowed time. I gave her a couple of weeks to prove to me that she was still worthy of my time, and when her attitude grew even more troublesome, I walked away. It was my first encounter with a woman with BPD, and found I have very little tolerance for difficulty such woman poses. With so many incredible woman available who don’t have this disorder, so many alternatives, why put up with this nonsense at all? She is alone and will forever struggle with loneliness. I wish her well and remain available to her as a friend if she wants, but I don’t have time in my life for such a person as a romantic interest.
That’s why I think BPD is just an excuse of an illness (for the most part). A lot of guys don’t understand women. Instead of trying to understand them, they just assume that she’s a “crazy bitch.” She’s not crazy — you just don’t understand attractiveness. When a woman is with a man who doesn’t understand attractiveness, she does “crazy” things in order to get a reaction from you which gives her an excuse to leave you/cheat on you. And thus the cycle continues where the man gets angry, blames women for his problems, woman cheats on man, man hates woman, blames woman, etc. It’s a downward spiral. All too common these days.
All of my courses are designed to help you understand attractiveness and how to be a man that can easily counter the “craziness” of women so that she loves you dearly.
I will try to make this short. I was with a lovely yet emotionally damaged woman for 7 yrs. I could never pull the trigger(marriage) for some reason. I now see it was my gut instinct telling me somethings wrong with her. Yet as the years went by, I became an emotional wreck. She has left me (to not cheat. lol) for the last time unless she gets some help to heal from the emotional scars of her childhood. Not knowing what I was up against until now has wreaked havoc on my life. Lost jobs, depression, financial ruin. I now see I was trying to love someone who doesnt know how to be loved. She would run away and make a man fall in love with her only to leave them completely shattered after she missed me a month later. (She has done this 4 times). I knew some of them casually and it blew me away she had no regret and couldnt understand why they wanted nothing to do with her. I have seen all characteristics of the BPD in her, but have only now just come to realize what has been going on for 7 yrs. I will not allow myself to be taken down this road again unless she absolutely positively goes to counseling. She is with a new man only one week after she told me she loved me. I couldnt pretend to be ok with her actions about the last time i caught her in her kitchen naked with another guy two days after she said goodbye 4 months ago. She actually blamed me for not taking depression meds, when she is the one who has caused the depression. I have been damaged tremendously by her, but now I realize it wasnt me. I am a great guy, that has to rebuild his life at 38. I will always love her and know she was damaged greatly by her upbringing and abuse by her Narcissitic mother and neglect from her cheating father. Plus sexual abuse by brothers friend and a female babysitter.She never felt good enough, so when any stressor came in to my life she would bail not knowing how to handle it. In closing, I do believe she loves me even though she says shes done with me for good this time and doesnt love me.(lol) I would have to say without acknowledgement that she is emotionally damaged and seeking out help. She will never know the one thing she so truly desires. Acceptence and Love. I do love her, but she cannot see it. Not to get religious, but I do believe the only hope for a broken soul is Jesus. Mine included. If you look on his life it was what true love is. Not hating those who have wronged you, but understanding ther hurt and offering a true loving hand. But they have to admit to themselves first that they are broken and need a healer. Thats all Jesus is to me. A super cool guy that came to bring love to the world. Not religion. For those of you who are Athiest, please dont take this the wrong way. U2 has a song In the name of love. Loving thee unlovable even if it is from afar is the strongest and most courageous thing a person can do. And if the unlovable is you. Start now. Love can move mountains and soften the hardest hearts. Im babbling now and tired. Thanks Rick for your insight.
I appreciate long comments like these but do understand that I can’t coach you through the comment section. Contact me directly!
Totally! Don’t even try. Work on yourself go for what you want in life and great girls will be all over you. Best advice and I have been there.
Yup! Exactly. And the funny part about all of this is that girls you thought had BPD will all of a sudden behave very loveingly towards you. You won’t experience the “BPD drama” that past boyfriends experienced.
Be careful what you ask for. If you let a BPD woman back in, and she truly wants to not “lose” you, she may get pregnant without you knowing that this is her plan. I speak from experience. That, guys, is the worst betrayal. They then use the child as a pawn, and all of their controlling behaviors are magnified because they now have a part of you.
Okay but this isn’t just a BPD thing LOL. You really think BPD women are the only women that do this? Hell no, any woman would do this if she felt like keeping a man around. Just like men will do things to keep a woman around. I know guys that have gotten women pregnant to keep her around. Either way, it isn’t right from both sides. Thanks for the comment nonetheless.
Thanks for the great comment! The funny thing is I have had BPD’s come back into my life with completely different behavior because they were matching my new self lol. It’s like the BPD never existed, there were no fights, no drama nothing and that’s mainly because I just wouldn’t allow it, I have better things to do than give in to that old stuff like you mentioned. Thanks for the comment!
Wow I wish I saw this post website sooner, I am hoping you can help me with my situation, I need to know how to handle it from here on. I was in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD male for 5 years, we were meant to be married this year, had the date set and invitations sent out etc… But 2 months ago he just decided he wanted to postpone the wedding, then it was called off and now he has moved and cut me off like I don’t even exist. He says he’s not seeing anyone else, that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else or be with anyone for that matter. He said he just wants to be by himself and get through his issues on his own, he has a lot of anger issues and has depression also. I have repeatedly asked him if he is with anybody and he emphatically says no. However he just ignores me now and everything is on his terms with me, although he still gives me money if I ask and I still get messages that he loves me and always will love me. Two days ago he said he’s ‘still in love with me’ but last night I called and called him but he wouldn’t answer, so I called him again this morning and he said that he cannot do it anymore, he is over it and if I come around to see him (cause I found out where he is living) he will cut me off (which he already has done anyway). I asked him again if he loves me and he said ‘no I don’t love you’ which is the first time he has ever said that. Than he goes on to say ‘but I still care about your feeling’ like WTF is this? He said my calling him etc etc is pushing him away even more from him which sux cause during our relationship when I would walk out he would do the exact same thing but I would always come back. It’s shit cause it’s not just a few months or something we have been together for 5 years, I know his family he knows mine. He told me his therapist said I am a ‘trigger’ point and he needs to avoid all trigger points… He said he isn’t happy being with me but then he’s also said he’s had the worst few weeks of his life without me. Anyways, I convinced him to come around tonight and he also said that he can come with me to see my counsellor who I just started seeing the other day for the first time in my life, but not to ‘get back together’ but for some ‘closure’ for me he said. I guess what I am wondering now after reading your posts is should I bother with him coming around at all or to see the counsellor? Should I just play it hardball and tell him I don’t love him either and he’s right we shouldn’t make contact with each other again or should I still let him come around tonight so we can talk. My reasons for wanting him to come around were I guess for him to see me again and want to come back to me but maybe that is just too late now and I just need to get over it and move on as I might be pushing him further away by being this needy? Any advice would be much appreciated. Also would it help me to get your books now that he has left me? I feel Im in this horrible transition and I don’t know what the f*ck to do at the moment!!!
Hi Terri, sorry to hear about this, it really sucks. Sometimes you have to realize that people, not just BPD’s, want to be alone. They want to be single. Not so they can sleep around or anything, just because they want to be. I understand that it sucks what he did to you. But at the same time, it wouldn’t be fair for him to marry you and then leave you. That would be even worse. I broke up with a girl recently because I also just want to be single and work on this website, help people, grow, etc. I don’t have BPD so it just shows you that even normal guys do this too.
My advice is to not be needy and call him like that. When a person says they want a break and space, YOU need to give him the cold shoulder. Take yourself away from him and let him miss you. Go read books and work on hobbies during this time. Yes, he may call the shots, but like I said in my male BPD article, just support him and then let him be on his way.
I’ve had girls call me over and over again, send me text after text and all it did was drive me further away, lol. I can’t stand that stuff so I can see why he is annoyed as well. So just let him be on his way, tell him you’re busy and you can’t see him and that maybe later you guys can catch up. He might say no which you then say Okay, take care then.
Thanks for your comment :)
I just brought your books, thought what the hell… Hopefully I will get to read them a bit before he comes around, thinking of doing your coaching but once again is it worth it if we are over, or he is saying its over? This is the first time he has ever been like this to me so not sure if he is meaning it or if a few months later he will be back??
He could easily come back again in a few weeks or months. But when someone wants their space, the last thing you want to do is call them and text them. Just let them be. Let them miss you. If he’s sleeping around and banging other women, then hey it’s your choice to take him back or not.
No, you don’t want to tell him of his issues. He is well aware of it even if he is in denial, believe me. The right moves with this guy is to sort of view him as the ‘master’ as is someone that you don’t want to try to impress or ‘show the light’ or try to compete with. So let him have his ‘glory’ without you trying to lead him to the truth and to ‘fix’ him. You cannot fix him. So don’t even try. Check out my male BPD article or pick up the BPD program as I have an entire audio program just for the males. But read the free article on the site here as it will help you for sure with this guy. Thanks for the comment!
Hi Rick ,
Not even sure if my ex gf is BDP as she didn’t have many of the signs but her recent action has left me searching for answers. Recently my girlfriend of over 3 years suddenly decided that she couldn’t be with me as she said she was unhappy for a long time and we weren’t emotional close enough. We never fought and things seemed as good as they always were, even up until a few days before she planning long term events and was assuring me everything was fine, she was happy, and that we were great.
I want so badly to work on the relationship and try to grow together as I love her and know we can be happy together, but since she ended it she refuses to even respond to me or acknowledge my existence. I have reached out showing or trying to convey my willingness to work on things or at least try and communicate, but basically the only communication she has had toward me was to say it’s over there is nothing to discuss and she has moved on. She had a terrible childhood, doesn’t have really any family and had to deal with abuse at a young age, but has been open about her demons and it didn’t seem to play a major role in her everyday life. It feels like she has compartmentalized and or dissociated the relationship as I cannot fathom her refusal to discuss anything or her inability to at least acknowledge why I’m so blindsided and stunned by what has happened. It seems from the limited knowledge I have that she has just rationalized her decision and basically has erased all memory of our time together, all of which was loving and positive according to her.
I’ve read that people who do have compartmentalizing or dissociation issues basically can bury these events and that they sometimes don’t deal or acknowledge them for years and years if ever. My question is first does this sound like she may have a form of BDP and if she does can I do anything to get back in her life in any capacity, or am I forced to just accept that unless she realizes that her actions and words didn’t line up with her decision that she will never reach out to me or respond to my communications?
Well she obviously needed a change. You thought things were going fine, so by you trying to communicate and tell her that you’ll be better is just a very unattractive move because you don’t even know what you did wrong. So she just sees this as desperation and neediness which is bad. Try not to label her as BPD, there are other factors going on here, she is bored of you and the relationship and needs some excitement. This is why she left you. The best thing you can do is try to improve your knowledge and skills so that you can be more attractive over the long haul.
hi just wanted to ask i just got broken up with a female who exhibits the symptons and i have had a hell of a ride i lived with her for a about four months the moodiness splitting promiscuity hot/cold the works i discoverd on her cell phone that she was not being honest with me since day one and cheating as well as using push/pull tactics on me many of times and i was so emotinally involved with her we slpet in the same bed together since day one then all the sudden i was sleeping on the couch while she slept in the bedroom with her doorlocked (it was her idea) i told her friend about her cheating on me through her cell phone when i picked it up and looked at it and discovered my worst fears while she pushed me away at the time before all this she just wanted to be friends and i told her i dont do friends-well anyway i could go on and on but my question is she texted me enraged telling me that i was such in ass for telling her friend about her cheating and that me snooping was not cool and texted me that she never wants to see me again and that she hates me and told me to erase her number and for me to erase hers i havent texted her at all im still havinga hard time with all this but ive been tempted to text her butkeep telling myself not too- since her texts would it still be possible for her to contact me in the future after she told me not erase her number and never contact her again she is a monster
Dude, this is your fault. Stop blaming the woman here. The fact that you stuck around when she has you on the couch is ridiculous. You should NEVER sleep on the couch if you’re in a relationship, that’s just silly and extremely weak on your part. Women will NOT cheat on a strong man. That is just the facts. She will want to bang you all the time because women get wet just being around a strong man.
Well you really can’t let these types of people control you and have the power like she did. She made you sleep on the couch which is just a big fail on your part. I would rather go home and sleep in my own bed than be thrown onto the couch. And if it’s your house she’s doing this in? That’s just a major turn off to women. She WANTED you to fight back and say ‘You’re going to have to shoot me to get me out of this bed.’ and basically fight with her. Instead, you played the passive role. People break up, fight and cheat on passive partners, both men and women do this. Passivity is just a huge turn off. Thanks for the comments and I hope you make some much needed changes.
Carol Jonnson says
I’ve been seriously dating a man with what I believe is BPD, for the last two years. I’ve known him for 10 yrs. and in that time when we were together, he broke my heart and married someone else for 3 years. That ended in dramatic fashion and he called me 2 years ago and I came back to him. He’s has explosive anger problems, as he always has, and his family all was happy I was back in his life because I could ‘handle him’. His Mom said I was a ‘buffer’ for her. (Glad to be of service.)
Well, he’s not a good communicator, especially if I have another opinion about something, and I never know what’s really underlying his actions. Now, he’s left me…again….and although it’s not because he ran off with someone else, but that he thinks me and my extended family are not worth his time and that they are all the terrible things and names he’s assigned them. He’s verbally abusive and has cut down everyone I know through his texts and has his own version of reality. I have never been so attracted to someone, in spite of all this, and have always loved him deeply, but now I can’t take anymore heartache. (and man to I have some)
Don’t know if anyone will read this or relate to this, but I wake up crying over his leaving, as I know how much we love each other, when he’s acting normal. His craziness is so illogical and I know I can’t make logical sense out of it. I’m not reaching out or reacting to his verbal texts and now it seems he’s moved on. Working on myself to get better and move on, but I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone I’ve loved like I love him. Don’t know how long this deep emptiness and hurt will last, as I’ve gone through it before when he got married to someone else. I can’t believe I took him back, only to be hurt again..My bad!
Sorry to hear you’re going thru this. And by the way I read all comments :) But my suggestion is to stop trying to think about this in a logical way. I mean the fact you love him already is illogical so you really shouldn’t be trying to figure out his illogical behavior with logic. You never want to be in a position where you’re simply ‘handling someone’ because then you’re basically always on the brink. Instead, you want them to be coming to you. You need to work on having power in the relationship. If it’s always him calling all the shots, then he’s going to get tired of you and move on like he has. Of course this advice is always subjective. It really depends on who the person is you’re dating. In your case, these types of men need a woman that will kick his ass. A woman that’s just as illogical, unpredictable and ‘crazy’ as he is. Can you bring that behavior to the table? If not, then yeah it’s best to move on. If you want to give it a shot, well I can teach you all these skills ;)
I dated someone who exhibited BPD traits. We broke up because he seemed to fluctuate between loving me and then blaming me for things wrong in his life. I was supportive of his life issues but it seemed as tho the more I was supportive, the more I was blamed. I never gave advice, just was there to tell him to hang in there. There were things I couldn’t take anymore. Things like the distancing at times and then overwhelming love from him. It was like two people in one….or most times dealing with an child stuck in an adult body. My ex had an enormous amount of shame about himself and choices he had made to be with me. But what he fails to realize is that he had these issues before I ever met him. But as with most things, I got the blame for his state of dismay. He left his wife because he was unhappy. I met him and we were together for three years. After breaking up, I became the reason for his post divorce problems in his eyes….if he never met me, he wouldn’t be going thru the court hearings and drama. I feel he lacks accountability and doesn’t want to see that he leaves a trail of hurt along the way. I’ve told him that he needed to take a look in the mirror and see where the problems started with himself. I didn’t cause a his divorce…that was something that was unraveling before I ever met him. But I guess it’s easier to place blame on me.
Till this day he still ambiguously blames me in conversation. But I’ve since learned to ignore it. I’ve told him to seek professional help and it is quite scary yet refreshing to hear him speak about personality disorder and wearing masks….feeling abandoned, etc. He still latches on to me in a sense that he feels attached to me, yet he still pretends that there years with me was imaginary. I guess it’s a coping mechanism for him. If in his mind it didn’t exist, he doesn’t have to deal with it in his head and heart. But eventually it all comes back and if you don’t deal with it, it will linger. This is where we are at now. He wants me in his life but wants to pretend we were never in a relationship. I feel like I’m dealing with someone who is delusional. It’s like he takes bits and pieces and uses them accordingly if and when it will help him feel better. I’d rather much have him just go on pretending I don’t exist. It’s easier to handle than having him come around Jekyll and Hyde.
Good luck to all who are going thru situations with someone with BPD. It has taken me a long time to see him for what he is….a scared and selfish child who doesn’t know how to give and receive love genuinely.
The best medicine for men like this is to remove yourself from his life. Don’t sleep with him at all when he’s being inconsistent. Only reward him with your body when he’s treating you well. When he’s not treating you well? Punish him harshly. Immediately cut contact with him for a bit until he’s apologizing and behaving well around you.
I wish I knew about BPD male before getting into a relationship with one. Yes, I saw the red flags, wanted to get married after a month of dating, his temper tantrums, pushing to have sex, emotional outbursts, eating so much that in 7 weeks of being together gained 20 lbs, wanting to control me by changing the way i dress, getting mad because i was up late, etc, etc, I guess I was not hard skin in order to survive the dynamics of this man ….
Left for a 2 week vacation to Mexico and when I come back I find a depressed man, angry, overweight, feelings of abandonment, without a job, etc, etc. I felt I was with a 3 year old in a body of a 34 y/o man. Did not cave in to go into his rescue and did not talked to him for 2 weeks. I felt I had no emotions or love for this man, just remembered how unhappy I was, how he was eroding my self esteem, how I felt “you’re never good enough”. He never recognized he needed help, apologized, or admitted he had done something wrong. He blocked me for FB, took down the pics, and cut all communication. Last time I saw him told him I don’t need someone like you.. his main complaint- “you don’t have time for me”. No man is my priority, they’re in my life but not my life… Now he has a new GF and we have crossed paths again… last night at a social, I just ignored him even when he stood in front of me while waiting on line. What is the way to handle yourself and him when you see each other again?
Well you definitely made the right choice here. BPD or not, this guys is just a loser so best to be on your way. If you see him again? Just ignore this loser.
Well you left for 9 months. You can’t expect anyone to wait for you, that’s just too long. Sorry bro, best to move on as she has.
Thanks for answer Rick ,
But some rships worth for waiting for ? aint it ? let imagine what if i had to do my military service , or had to go abroud for working… after all these years she could fight.. anyway.thanks for help
Hi, I am right in the middle of having my heart and soul dragged out by my bpd boyfriend…now ex boyfriend.
He dumped me yesterday over the phone just after my dads funeral.
Then he texts to say he loves me. Then he calls me at 6am (i only slept at 5) because he wanted to hear my voice. Then he reiterates he loves me and cares about me.
i have been there for this guy in a way that is way over and above what perhaps I should have. His dad died suddenly a year ago (we were together 2 years) he has been thro periods of no work (he is self employed) and i have supported him, and excessive drinking culminating in me being beat up (which was my fault he says – and blames me for calling police, which i did, but not to have him arrested for hitting me but because he ran head first in to a car in a suicide attempt and i was worried about him). Anyway, I’m rambling, but after this incident he moved out (i have 3 grown kids) and moved into a house i bought but which he is doing up. He started drinking more then we agreed to put the past behind us, then he dumped me.
i am so angry hurt and upset i feel at a loss. I do want him back but i cant deal with this pain now on top of my dads death.
i read no contact is the best way but because of house i cant do this forever.
Someone please advise me i feel like jumping off a bridge – yesterday i almost did. I went to my favourite peir and watched the tide come in. But of course I have kids even grown ones i couldnt do that to.
i want the pain to stop and ideally i want him back, im not sure hes not self destructing, hes recently pushed all his family away too.
why dump me then text that he loves me????
You want someone back that physically abuses you? You really need to develop some self-respect. You have really low standards. Your mentality is wack. You need new mindsets and confidence. That’s what I teach.
My ex-wife has Bpd and I haven’t gotten her back
She told me to move on and I did then she wanted me again.
Yes I had no boundaries and I saved her a lot.
I dated after two years and we have gone through the
Seaparation and divorce within 3 yrs
Sucks to hear man. Looks like you know why though. I wish you the best of luck!
I have never posted to this sort of thing before and would really appreciate help. I’ll try and keep the explanation brief as you hear these all the time.
I’ve only two days ago through independent research found out that my ex gf has BPD; she is textbook. She doesn’t know she has it though.
I’m 23 she’s 18, we lasted 7 months, I’m her first relationship. The Beginning was nothing short of perfect, very intense, but we took it slow and built upon our relationship she even denied my first attempt at a kiss. Our motto was “We don’t say it, we show it,” but both have said that we love each other. The red flags were there but they got overlooked, as they usually do in these cases, (Serious mom issues, lack of father, lack of self worth, ect) I just chalked them up to her being young, and always reassured her and kept her self esteem up. Before I met her I was planning to move to Cali from our current location, she even chose her university based on the city I would be in. We had it all planned, she would get there and I would be a few months behind her. I could feel her starting to pull away as school began, I just chalked it up to her being busy. The second week of Uni, Bam, the switch gets flipped, like she fell off the earth. 2 weeks later (Nov 1st) I get a text “I really think we should talk, and I am so very sorry” We Skype, she wont turn her video on, I have to make her, then she wont look at me, I have to make her. “What’s been going on?” Needless to say, she wants to break up, she made out with a girl and fooled around with a guy multiple times, no intercourse though. I got upset, naturally. When I asked why, she cries, and says, she doesn’t know, and how stupid she is and that she doesn’t deserve me and I deserve someone more perfect than her, how all the girls there want a guy like me, that I’m the perfect BF, that she would marry me, but how she hates relationships, but that we were the best most beautiful thing ect. You can see how this doesn’t make sense to someone who is ignorant of her illness so I persisted. She also tried to blame me a few times and distort the truth but I wasn’t having it and even when she did it she was hesitant as if she knew that wouldn’t work. She’s always complimented me on my independence and confidence, it was one of her favorite things about me, I understand why now after reading your articles; she knew she needed someone like that. Anyways, I’m a very rational, logical person and after I calmed down, I wrongfully tried to mend the relationship. I broke down the root causes of her behavior, (Mom issues, dad issues ect) She cried from start to finish, and when I would bring up things we had planned and times we had shared the tears seems to almost shoot out of her eyes, its as if she had totally forgotten everything. But, when I was done she was up to work it out, I was stern with her and I told her I wont babysit you through this, you need to pull your weight and I will pull mine. We stated what we wanted from each other. She said she wanted to Skype more, I said, anytime. I said I wanted to feel more like apart of your life there. She added me on Snapchat that night and texted me what she was doing with friends, it was as if I had her back. The next day, we had plans to Skype, (Her request not mine) when I was ready, she cancelled and said how she was studying with some friends and essentially, don’t wait up. I took that hint that she didn’t want our relationship and ignored her. Communication ceases. A week a half later I get a text, “Can I call you” I say, “Sure” 4 days later (Sat) I get a random call at 5 PM most likely as she is putting her bag on her shoulder to go out. I should point out, I never was a controlling BF, I understood college is new and fun and told her to have fun just do it within reason and respect our relationship and yourself (obvs she didn’t) Anyways, needless to say I didn’t answer the Phone call. Tomorrow will be a week since that call. I did make the mistake of getting on Snapchat the other night (Something I never use) because I missed her and took a screen shot of a pic she had posted of herself. I know she will have seen that I did this. Ultimately what I’m asking is, have I handled this properly? With all of your understanding on this topic what do you think is going through her head, concerning me? She knows I will be there in a couple months, and she may even come back for thanksgiving or Christmas or something. Since our breakup I have gone through the healing the process with help from fam and friends and feel as if I’m 90% the way there. My main concern is less about getting back together and more about telling her what’s wrong with her, but I don’t want to do it through tech I want to do it in person. Either when she potentially visits or when I get to her. Do you think she will be receptive to talking to me? I know more about her than anyone in this world, including her own mother, all the ins and outs of their relationship and everything, her deepest and her darkest.
I wanted to add that I’ve noticed you’re and advocate for not “chasing” which I have not done, so that’s good, but sometimes I feel as if I should call or something?
Again, think of the attitude as a male that does what he wants. He puts his own needs first and does what he wants. So if you want to call her, then do it. But if you call her from a position of weakness, it will backfire on you. Here’s a hint: men that are alphas don’t really call women in the way that you mean. They just do their own thing. Women don’t rule their thoughts. They aren’t afraid to exit her life any time she gets irrational and disrespectful.
Well bro first of all, she’s 18. I would categorize 90% of women in the 18-24 range as BPD’s lol. So really a lot of what you’re experiencing is simply normal with young, attractive women. Why do you think guys have so much trouble dating young women? It’s only those alpha types of males that have the testicular fortitude to put up with all the craziness. So a lot of what I’m noticing about you from what you wrote me is that you don’t have this male attitude that these young women want. You’re way to submissive and weak. She needs someone aggressive and strong. That’s what women ultimately want.
So a lot of the issues that are happening is due entirely to your weak attitude. Don’t worry, it’s very normal. Most guys are like this, hence why they can’t get women at this age. So the best thing to do is to work on being more manly, work on your leadership skills, work on your self-confidence, don’t be afraid to put her in her place, don’t be afraid to say no to her, etc. All of my courses and my entire Relationship Academy is about teaching you these strong mindsets and the ATTITUDE that makes your girlfriend want to fuck you every time she’s with you.
I feel like you’re too logical and dependent on her emotions/feelings. Learn to just be your own self her and not affected by her. If you want to reply to her then do it. No Contact games are for the weak. I’ll text anyone I want any time I want. I just don’t care. If I go no contact, it’s because I actually don’t want that girl in my life and she creeps me out, lol.
I agree with you about the “games”. I don’t subscribe to playing her game, but I know that she likes to feel like she has “control” and “power” based on who gets the last word in, or if I contact her and she doesn’t respond, she’d probably think I’m needy or whatever. She’s in that 90% category of young, immature BPD girls (she’s 23) you talked about, and has a grand, delusional sense about herself sometimes… but I think there’s a chance she’ll get through this phase. I definitely agree with you about doing what you want when you want including texting her, but I don’t want her to think I’m chasing her just because I send her a text to try re-opening a conversation. Most girls, BPD girls included, go for a rebound, have their own emotional drama, phases, etc. so texting/timing can be not so straightforward. Is the key to getting back an extremely emotional person, using emotions? ?? ie should I use strong, positive memories from time to time when texting her to get the most effective results?
I’m confident in myself, that I can find another girl, etc. but there’s a lot I do like/love about her despite her issues.
(For those interested I sent her a nice/short/neutral text, and she gave a neutral reply.)
Do BPD girls ever take responsibility for their actions? Or do they simply continue their pattern?
I talked with my ex, and she says I wasn’t “nice” to her “sometimes”. Of course this means I simply didn’t put up with her inexcusable behavior, and called her out on it. Do you have any sort of stat (maybe 1 out of 10 or 1 out of 50) girls like this change for the better?
Do ANY girls take responsibility? lol. I would say that in the game of life, MOST men and women never take responsibility for anything. Another thing to think about is that women just test men all the time. What she said to you is a classic, simple test. The correct response is something like ‘Well I’m only a good boy 27% of the time and a bad boy the rest. There’s plenty of nice guys surrounding you though so you shouldn’t have a problem finding one.’
There isn’t a woman on this planet that wants a 100% nice guy.
She is sending mixed signals… who would’ve guessed. I’m trying to set up a date, and our conversation is nice then she starts with I have more bad memories than good, remember this, you said, we fought all the time.. I stayed calm. I attempted to correct her memory (probably a mistake), and she said I was trying to control her and be manipulative. The conversation ended. I almost had a date, then she got into her own head. No love/forgiveness. Not yet.
Should I wait for her to call me back? Or give it a week or two then try again if I don’t hear from her? I thought about sending her a text, “go find a nice guy you can control and manipulate. good luck”… but I don’t know if that would help lol
Lol definitely don’t send that text. You just don’t want to get in a logical pissing match with this woman. She accuses you of being manipulative, you just say ‘Oh yeah baby wait until you hear my next trick you’ll be naked in 14 seconds.’ Always call out their shit with teasing and humor. It’s an attitude shift. You can’t let anything get to you personally. You gotta have thick skin bro.
I need help.
i have been with my ex boyfriend fr 2 years. He dumped me on the day of my dads funeral.
I was almost suicidal
See he lost his dad 18 months ago and fell apart but i held him together
I really do still love him, but 2 weeks later he has a new gf.
she treats him like crap he tells me. Shes out with other men, she dumps him all the time.
its a month now since we split. He calls me daily when this new gf is wrking away. I ask him why hes calling and he says its because he cares about me.
he carries my pic around in his wallet.
I asked if we can give it another try but hes adamant no.
ive spent a month in tears. I literally cant eat.
i just dont understand how he can be so cruel?
Underneath i know hes hurting but youd never know it.
I know this new gf wont last.
I just feel so hurt that i dont know what to do. He might be cruel sometimes but we were so in love, i want us to try again
what do i do?
I feel like i am going insane.
You need to stop answering his calls. You are basically his emotional tampon — he comes to you when he wants emotional support. Fuck that noise. That’s his girlfriend’s job, not yours. You need to stop taking his calls, tell him to be a man and figure things out on his own.
Rick this is a great site. I may sign up for the forum. That said, my ex and I have gone through a few cycles of her taking space (over the course of 9 months) and coming back after a week or two. This time it was 6 weeks after she freaked out about being “serious.” Technically, she’s afraid to “commit” although we both understood we were in a relationship.
She’s recently started “liking” social posts, which led to a text saying she had stuff of mine (which I said I didn’t need), to finally calling me and leaving a fun, goofy message (obviously wanting to reconnect). The last time we were together she said she wanted to be friends because she didn’t know how she felt. I said “goodbye” and meant it. But, she’s got a hold on me. Any thoughts on reestablishing a relationship but doing it on terms that actually have boundaries. Like, right now I feel like she’s testing my boundaries. Thanks for the advice.
Well just don’t commit to her. My honest opinion is to treat her like a girl you’re just seeing and not sure about – which is how it should be since she won’t commit to you. Don’t over commit to a person that isn’t going to give you the same back.
Rickie Rexroade says
I am seriously considering purchasing your program, however, I haven’t decided if I want my BPD ex girlfriend back or not. She can be the most loving person in the world, but her rages lately have gotten to the point where she has left me, but keeps pulling me back, where we are fine, then pushes me away, and well, basically everything a BPD lady does. Pull in Push away. However, she has acknowledged she has a problem, and wants to get treatment, therapy. Although she doesn’t realize she has BPD, just that she has this extreme fear of abandonment. However, she lies, she changes situations completely to her advantage, or says she never done that, or said that. Everything then gets turned around to being my fault. Anyway, she meets all your criteria, and much more. I do love her to death, but don’t know if I want her back for sure. I myself already suffer from my own maladies, mental and physical. I know I have been handling this situation all wrong now, and am wondering should I make this small investment into keeping her in my life. Currently, she is asked me to stay out of her life, for the fifth time in 2 months, but then comes and wiggles me back her life. Maybe I suffer from, what’s it called codependency, who knows. She has promised to start therapy next month when her new insurance kicks in. I would, yes, I want to give her one more shot, and I do miss her a lot. But I also want to keep my sanity. Currently I am on her hate list. But I am torn, I know you understand. Would like to ask you just a few questions, like if and when she tries to get me back, how do I handle that situation?
The problem is that you’re constantly bending to her whim. She’s the little child princess that runs the show, completely dominates and controls the relationship. This obviously needs to change. YOU need to take back that power and start dominating her. After all, with her fears of abandonment, this is what she wants deep down. She wants someone to take control. You can’t be a softy in this relationship. The minute she starts calling the shots and controlling the situation is the minute she feels that she needs to pull away.
Was freshly dumped on New Years Day by a man I was dating intensely for about 8 weeks. I am married, I have not been intimate with my husband for quite along time and randomly hooked up with a man I had met months earlier. The man in question and I had been platonic friends, but things changed after I saw him out one night and succumbed to loneliness/cocktails. It started super passionately, we’d make out for hours, fool around, he was sweet to me, would telL me I was beautiful, stunning, the whole package. He showered me with gifts, Treated me to nice dinners, just Very sweet and caring and thoughtful. His first outburst seemed to come out of nowhere, he berated me Through text message, told me not to contact him. I was gutted but did not reach out. 3 days later he confessed his love for me, his remorse, though sort of blamed me for parts and tailored the story to what he thought happened. I gave him another chance, and things were again great, though I felt I was walking on eggshells a bit, didn’t want to upset him, didn’t want him to think I was abandoning him Or pulling away. He had a habit of getting Events, actual things, situations mixed up or changed completely. He has a temper, and drinks a lot. Though, he is very charming and funny, I was feeling high to be around him and lavished with affection. New Year’s Eve I was late meeting him and ultimately he left without us seeing each other. I tried to squash it as a misunderstanding but he told me I have something wrong with me and he wanted to just be friends. He posted nasty comments on my Instagram, and seemed to rubbing things in my face. I hurt so much, I emailed him and told him I couldn’t be his friend and I was cutting off contact. He spiraled into a rage and sent me 17 emails over the course of the day, telling me I ruined everything, creating a sequence of events that did not happen, telling me I am a selfish a******. I feel dead to him. I cared for him deeply, as we had been friends prior to having an affair.I made it clear I wish him the best, but inside I miss him terribly and feel heartbroken. Do I maintain no contact? I like the idea of focusing on getting myself back together, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder if he’ll ever want me back.
This guy is a nutso. He has serious mental issues WAY beyond BPD. He needs some serious growing up to do before he is ready for a real relationship. The only reason you’re attracted to him is because you have zero self-confidence. You have zero standards. Women who have no standards let men like this into their lives. And then the women get abused and cheated on and etc. Develop some self-confidence and self-respect. Then, men like this won’t even be attractive to you at all. You’ll be disgusted by men like this. You won’t even give them a chance to be near you. And that is good!
I have dated a girl for 7 months, first 3 months she constantly wanted to spend time with me, I wasnt too serious about dating her so the more the wanted to spend time with me the less I wanted to see her. Each time I canceled a date with her she would punish me with text messages saying I would have to find another girl if I couldnt show her more respect. I did not reply to this because I thought she was being childish, and because I didnt respond she would break up with me (I felt relief). Then we had no contact for about 14 days, then she would text me saying how she missed me. Since she is great in bed I would reply and tell her I missed her too, I only did this so we could hook up and have great sex (didnt want anything else from her). But things only got worse and worse the more I showed her that she could not control me, if I did not react to her bullshit she would just do more and more crazy stuff until she got some sort of reaction. She “accidently” told me she had contact with other men, I told her she would have to date someone else if that was true. She then promised to end it with those other men, but was constantly trying to make me jealous in any way she could after this. Constantly sitting with her phone smiling and texting when we spent time together, when I told her I had enough of this bullshit and was about to leave she took up her phone and called her dad and said “dad I am so scared of Alex please you have to help me he is here now”. When she hung up I asked her wtf that was about, she said I had to leave or she would call the police.
Sure all women will “test” you too make sure you are the dominant man they want, but BPD girls are making these tests a little more frequently and in more dramatic ways. I have never experienced this before in my life, its always been the girls who chase me and behave like perfect little princesses and do whatever they can to please me. But those girls bore me, just as BPD girls get bored with nice guys I guess :)
Yeah so I’ve dated girls like this and the way I would treat them is like little children. ‘Ahh you’re so cute trying to make me jealous like that, look at you go’ or whatever. Her whole act of calling her dad is just retarded as all hell. I also don’t sit around and ‘hang out’ with girls like this. When we see each other, it’s rare and it’s because we want to be around each other. That’s why I never experience bullshit anymore. I really handle the game well in the beginning stages so that the BS never surfaces later on.
I was able to get my ex back more than once. I’d say what worked best for me was a NC period of four months. In fact, ignoring her is what attracted her in the first place. Whenever I pursued, it just pushed her away or turned me into an emotional tampon/fallback guy. But I must caution you, each time we got back together, it got increasingly unstable, and her behavior got more intolerable. The girl from the honeymoon period would appear for about a month tops, then she’d start to question herself and the relationship and then she’d do something really hurtful, sometimes intentional (esp. if I tried to hold her), but often times not. Think about it. Just the very act of taking a disordered person back signals to them that your boundaries aren’t that important. Tread lightly. A hurt person only knows how to hurt.
Well that’s why I generally avoid the honeymoon period. I also like to purposely friend-zone myself if possible. That way, I can really find out what the girl’s like before we are dating. The girl I’m dating now I was friends with for several months before we ever hooked. By the time we started dating, I knew all about her and had really “trained” her to behave nicely around me. So now that we’re together, I know how to counter all her tests. She behaves very well around me. And if she tries to bring some drama? I remove myself from her life for a few days.
I am a 26 year old female who dated another female for almost 9 years. Last year I realized she had BPD. As I educated myself on BPD I felt a sense of relief because I realized I was not alone in feeling the way I was feeling. She constantly left me throughout the years. I had a feeling she was cheating on me on several occasions but I never got concrete evidence so I believed her. recently things have just escalated last year in August she wanted to end things but wasn’t sure… I think she was dating a guy but would still see me and take me out and buy me this and that. After their thing ended she came back and idolized me for about 3 months. we went on a trip to the snow on January 9th a week later she was making plans for her and I on Valentine’s Day and her Bday (March 3rd) . then at the end of January she said she needed space… That she didn’t want to be attached. I left her alone a couple of days then on Feb 1st she told me she was into someone new (another women). I told my family and my sister text her she was no longer welcome at our home. after that text she told me she didn’t want me in her life and to leave her alone. She seemed so angry at me as if I had left her. throughout the years her attitude has become worse she always told me she didn’t know how I put up with her. I’m extremely heartbroken and my life has been turned upside down from one day to the next… I need advice from someone who understands.
Well that’s the thing with these women. This is why everything I teach in all of my programs is about changing the way you view relationships, changing your mindsets and seeing things differently. One of the key things I teach is that you need to be bringing the BPD into your world and not the other way around. Because of their high emotions and the ‘I’m a lost cause’ behavior, a lot of people get sucked into THEIR world. And that just doesn’t work out for the long run.
You had 10 years with this person so I mean that’s pretty damn long, much longer than even normal relationships these days. I know it sucks but hey it happens. You had 10 years. All you can do now is focus on the future. I’d focus on just being the best person you can be.
If you like my articles here, then check out my Relationship Academy. My courses and podcasts will give you all the knowledge you need to make your relationships great again.
I’ve been dating a lady for 4years. She has all the BPD symptoms…. Always late for her job dont have her kidds drink vodka like H20 and a confused Muslim. Never the least spend her whole paycheck on bull$hit. Lost her storage car note over due,its very bad, so yea… In the past four years been to jail twice lost apartments dealing with her and all. She play a proper soft spoken respectful roll to others all the time. We break up to make up.. She always ask me for money but when I ask her she’s upset. She also not responsible at her age didnt help pay rent so the day before bday I ask her what would she like to do she TRippedOut… Her mom was in a relationship where her boyfriend shot her 7 times and lived. I gave our relationship all I could can you give me some advice.
Yea honestly you shouldn’t be dating her. This woman is lost, you can’t fix her. It’s up to her to fix herself. I’m not sure why you want to be with someone like this. You’ve got to work on yourself, not on the relationship.
Thanks Rick its difficult not to call her I think of her alot…
Thanks its difficult for me because she mentally and physically abuse me before I knew it
Yeah man fuck being with abusive people. You got to develop self-respect and NOT be afraid to put her in her place. That’s the key. Fight fire with fire if needed. Don’t be afraid to defend yourself. Also, the alcoholism is a big NO NO for me. I can’t stand women who abuse the bottle and drink too much. It really causes a lot of problems.
I dated a possible BPD ex Gf throughout my first 3 years in college and to tell ya it was not easy emotionally at all. About 3 months into the relationship we were having an argument and she threaten me that she was gonna commit suicide over jealousy rages. I always stood my ground and told her you say that again I would call the police so they can take care of you properly or you should try to get help, but she would never listen and said she can outsmart any Psychologist, which immediately turn a red flag in my brain. Later on everytime we had fight she would do things like try to open my car and jump out, cut herself, poke herself, hit herself against the wall, punch herself, threaten to kill my friends out of jealousy, scream at the top of her lungs, and eventually get physically abusive with me. Throughout that time we broke up and came back with each other numerous times because I loved her for the great person she was (smart, humble, helpful, loving, etc) but she had a darker aspect also which was emotionally draining for me which was starting to affect my school work. It was harder because she would tell me I made her into that and do those things which i never agreed so to prove myself I went to a Psychologist and was told that I was dealing with a BPD gf. I tried telling her to get help, and even talked to her parents about the things she had done but i was told it was nothing. Nothing worked till we decided to call it quits for good and the first thing she did was start dating her guy friend who she knew liked her and posted all over her FB. After I saw that I just let it go completely and deleted everything and blocked any possible way she could contact me which I knew she wouldnt but just in case. Its been 6 – 7 months now and although i miss her like hell I feel liberated and even my grades have improved. I have ran into her a few times in school and she tries to avoid me and goes her own way and I keep my distance as well. I have decided on focusing on myself, my school and my family to heal from that and keep going on in my life.
That kind of sounds like my first girlfriend. But what I learned is that it’s way more than BPD. It’s some deep, dark shit going on. I’ve talked to a lot of BPD’s that aren’t dark like this at all. So I just want you to understand that this is beyond BPD, it’s much deeper and darker than that. This is why I hate the BPD label because these dumbass psychologists now have convinced you that all BPD’s are like your ex. That just isn’t true. So don’t feel bad man, my ex ran off with some dude to another state lol. They’re still together though so he must have been just what she needed and I’m happy for her.
Very interesting site rick! Question for you , I could use your help as i’ve been on several sites speaking of BPD individuals and most of them put a negative light on their behavior. You seem to have a different more down to earth view which is cool. I met this young girl 20 – im 23 we knew each other for about a year before we started hanging.. we shortly after became intimate it was really fun from about august till October.. Late October I thought well I screened this girl well she told me all these sweet things basically got me hooked so I dove in asked her to be my “girlfriend”. In November she had to leave city for about 3 weeks major insecurities and jealously started to pop up.. What are you doing when im not around? You liked a girls picture on a social media site do you like her?? She basically became toxic to herself worrying about my social media stuff.. even though in reality I wouldn’t cheat on a girl.. I never saw any of these things coming.. It was like a negative black hole opened up she told me she had Bi Polar Disorder , Anger Issues & Depression diagnosed by a therapist at the age of 16 or so. All of the sudden from about December ( When she went home for christmas break into her rather dysfunctional family; Father who she has no real relationship with & mother who is an alcoholic..) until February (present) she would act HOT COLD PUSH PULL – I didn’t see any of this coming so it literally planted me on my ass. She says this is toxic we shouldn’t do this.. I go NC for a few days she initiates contact again – Push, Pull, Make up – Push … Rinse Repeat, I’ve basically been stuck in this cycle for 2 months or so. At this point I have absolutely no idea what to do with this girl, her actions, behavior, creating an image of herself that she can’t maintain.. such as “I hate Club xox i’m never gonna go” “I don’t dance with guys when I go out”.. only to find out during a “recent break” she did both just kinda makes her seem like a liar & or hypocrite because If I did / do that type of thing it would set her off…. or she seems like someone who omits the truth in order to maintain an image.. It’s just hit a point where I can’t really take anything she says too seriously, I can’t wrap my head around her behaviors.. It literally just leaves me dumbfounded how the way she may looks at me with such loving and caring eyes doesn’t actually match what she says.. If you could shed some light on where I messed up or how to correct this if possible I’d appreciate it man.
Yo! Glad you came to me for help. Yes, just ignore everything else out there. I’ll help you out as long as you keep me updated. The problem now is that she has all the power. She’s controlling your thoughts and the actions of the relationship. You’re 23, you’re young so this stuff might not make sense. I didn’t understand it at all until I was like 26 or 27. What you need to do is first get my 4 ebooks. They’ll explain a lot and they’re free. The hot/cold behavior is really something that’s in your mind. Yes, she is literally being distant BUT it’s your mind that’s taking it personally and being affected by it. You need to instead be CALM and COOL as they said. If she needs to take off your response is ‘Do your thang girl’ and if she’s giving you shit for liking a picture you say ‘Really? You’re going to start this again? C’mon girl…’ and etc.
She has trust issues due to upbringing. You can’t change that, she has to do so herself. Just take back your power and be the man and you’ll be okay. She wants you to stand up to her and tell her that she’s being wack. Your mindset is correct in that you can’t take her words seriously. That’s true! And it’s good you realize that. Don’t take her words seriously. She says something that you know isn’t true, you just kind of give her that ‘uh huh’ look OR you say ‘I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you clubbing and having fun, do what makes you happy, don’t limit yourself.’ You really want to give her this ‘care-free’ attitude. Because she feels like everyone is judging her – and a lot of people are. So be that guy that DOESN’T judge her. Honestly, be encouraging her to do what she wants, ‘Look if you think we’re toxic, then that’s your opinion. The last thing I want to be is this guy that’s holding you back from doing what you wanna do. I really believe that the key to life is feeling fulfilled and you feel fulfilled by doing what you want to do. So girl, don’t let me hold you back if that’s what you think I’m doing. Go get it!’ then don’t text her for a little bit, make her sweat lol
Stuff like that :)
Cheers I appreciate your reply it’s good stuff but you’re right I am young so I do lack relationship experience. We recently split, I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t assertive or convincing enough to make her realize like “yeah were gonna have a future , I’m here for the long haul” but she says at this current point in her life she’s happy where she’s at. I didn’t really know what to say we both keep saying that we care for each other but she’s just “not ready” I kinda feel how you may of felt a few years back you wrote something in your article saying you rushed into a relationship with one of your old girlfriends and it only ruined it , if you would of just had fun, you would probably still be talking to her.. maybe we rushed in to quickly when we should of just been going slow and casual.. it’s gonna be tough because were in the same area running into her is going to be inevitable.. Also seeing that we like/care for each other but she doesn’t want to be with me is a weird feeling. . Im happy she’s feeling liberated and independent but I think given a proper go at it we would be good together ..Any advice on this situation?
Yeah, she just doesn’t see you as relationship material. She probably is already dating a new guy but doesn’t want to tell you because she knows it will depress you – hence why you need to change your mindsets and learn these relationship skills lol. The best thing you can do for her is to basically just tell her (when you get the chance) that you realize you don’t want a relationship with anyone as this is college and it’s a time to learn about yourself. If she really does want you, she’ll make the effort to lock you down. That’s how it should be.
Fair enough but when I spoke to her and asked her to be honest if , perhaps a guy may have influenced these changes , she said no it was her own thoughts/reasoning. . Although I do realize girls can keep a guy around while she plans to “escape” or until she feels detached enough to realize she can live perfectly fine without me
I dont understand you James, how do you relate those things to what I said
i was with my ex for only three months, we were friends for a month before that and took things slow. He was never verbally loving but would always be cuddling me and coming to mine a lot . He would buy me thoughtful gifts, cook for me and we would go out on dates, I met his family and he told everyone how happy I made him. One night I asked why we never really spoke as we would mostly cuddle up and watch tv and the next day he broke up with me over it ?? I have BPD and believe he has it too, he did get in tough a fortnight later and made it clear he was sexually attracted to him but I turned him down as not willing to be friends with benefits and haven’t heard from him nor have I tried contacting him …….. Do you think he will come back?
It’s hard to say. I wish I had an answer for you. He probably has a lot of insecure issues going. Maybe he feels like he needs to do all this stuff for you because he doesn’t have much to say? That would be my guess. He’s insecure about talking because he doesn’t feel like he’s an interesting guy. Obviously, this isn’t your fault. He needs to work on his confidence!
Well you need to read more of my material because I always state how you cannot help her. You can’t help her. You can’t help her. You can’t help her. YOU CANNOT HELP HER. This needs to get through your mind. In this day and age, you can only help yourself. That’s it. If you want to help her somehow, the way you do that is by being an example of what a cool, awesome guy is. That way she’s drawn to be with you because she wants that in her life. She isn’t interested in the nice, good, helpful guy. No woman wants this type of man, not in 2015. She’s been taking care of herself her whole entire life, she doesn’t need your help. If she ruins her life, that’s her own responsibility. It isn’t yours to help UNLESS you guys are married. Then the husband does need to make it a priority to help in certain ways.
I would suggest that you just stop labeling her as BPD. It’s not helping you. You’re just judging her, saying how she hasn’t been diagnosed. That’s just a ridiculous statement bro. Yes, she has issues. I’m not denying that at all. But your current mindset is only going to make things worse. You need to instead be understanding and actually listen more. If she isn’t going to adapt to your life, then the relationship isn’t going to work out, period. This is why I teach so much about mindsets and lifestyle because it’s literally 99% of the game :)
Rick is right, you cannot help her. It is something that must come from herself and in order for her to come in terms with that is a huge gamble on your life. If she doesnt do that and help herself then just walk away because things can turn out worse.
Thanks very much for your words and more importantly your time.
I have done a ton of research on this disorder and fortunately for me, because she could not talk about our relationship, I have nothing but her written communication to analyze. I have no doubt that she has BPD. Its all there, splitting, splicing, extreme irrational anger, extreme sadness (she says despite an always dull face) bizarre behaviour, pushing away when I got too close, binge eating, spending and reckless sex during stress), projecting…she even said she didn’t want a relationship where she entered someone else’s existing life because she felt like she was losing her identity (she is the quiet type and has no identity…she does not even know what she enjoys). She says though she may never find happiness, she’s not willing to give up on the idea.
I have never talked to her about BPD. In reading her communications she uses every pertinent BPD buzzword to describe how she feels and what she wants. She would rather feel nothing than feel rejected. She will never leave herself vulnerable to me again or give me the opportunity to make her feel miserable. She felt like she didn’t exist. She felt suffocated like someone was sitting on her chest. I almost wonder if she has been seeking therapy or researching this herself.
At any rate, what I really wanted to say was that “labelling” her as BPD and researching it myself has helped me immensely. This disorder was suggested to me by a nursing professor friend of mine. Before this I could make absolutely no sense of her anger, her irrational arguments, her trust issues, her lying, her silence, her having no interest in anything, her “splitting”, her choice of men or her having a techy show her how to hack my computer when we were not even together!
I am now at peace with this relationship ending as I understand now how and why she did what she did. As I said, she has now moved on, to her 4th job, 4th house and 3rd city in the last 2 years. I have not communicated with her for 2 months and unless she reaches out and asks for my help I intend to keep it that way and continue on with my happy, healthy and awesome life (even though I may never experience sex like that again! ;).
Thanks again guys.
What if I told you that you are 100% responsible for the outcome of your relationship and she is not to be blamed at all?
I would say that you are 100% correct.
Uhhhhh are you seriously comparing a laugh to a disorder? Smh…
Thanks for the story and what you’re saying is true to a certain degree. I think the bigger issue is your stressful job than your actual girl. If you didn’t have that stressful job, you wouldn’t be tossing your stress onto her. So keep that in mind :)
Omg I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I really think the best thing you can do is just find a great group of friends you can hang out and be with, as well as just finding some things to do around your town locally, like maybe some fitness classes or whatever. Basically, finding things that gets you into groups of other people. Remember that relationships are about relations. So one of the best ways to really heal is to just be around other people that like the same things you do. If you have to sit around and dwell on your thoughts all day, it’s just hard. Even just grabbing a book and heading to the coffee shop is good as well. I do this a lot. Moving on is a process but these are all ways to make it faster.
As for your belongings, you can always file a police report. That will get his attention :)
Thank you so much for the advice. I might just have to go file that police report.
My wife and I both 57 and have been married 40 years. I’ll be brief. I cheated and was caught first in 2012 and then again 3 months ago. My therapist tells me I’m a sex addict and have been in SAA for 3 months.
She has moved out and tells me she’ll file for divorce after the house closes.
I don’t want a divorce and have been advised to go NC. She will text, email and call but only wants to talk business for the most part. Occasionally, she’ll tell me things she misses or that she’s not doing all the things she thought she’d do once on her own.
I’m seeking help for my issues. She’s in counseling, but with a new therapist so I don’t know anything about how her treatment is going.
I’m making my plans to live life without her, but I’d rather have my wife of 40 years with me, planning and living our future.
Any advise for this “busted ass” marriage? Is it over or is there any hope?
Well, in my opinion sex isn’t really a big deal. If I was married for 40 years and my wife ran off and had sex with a guy a few times, I wouldn’t divorce over that. I’d be like “Hey if you feel like you need to get some new dick, then by all means go for it.” I definitely would STOP being a good husband though. She doesn’t get that anymore. And you know what? Maybe that’s what she needs in her life — some tough love. Either way, I think it’s crazy she wants to divorce over a fling. That’s really silly on her part.
Thanks man! Yeah you know what I teach is that you can’t really control how people are, you can’t change them. So you just gotta let them be. I think you handled her accusations towards you pretty well. Just don’t take those things personally because it’s really just a reflection of how they feel about themselves. It’s nothing personal towards you.
Yes, that’s it. It’s her own reflection. That started to be increasingly obvious, with critics that were completly misleaded.
From this experiences i’ve had, i take some conclusions very similar to yours, from what i’ve read in some posts in this site.
Thk you for your response.
My ex was diagnosed with BPD while we were dating but didn’t continue with her treatment. She was the “quiet” type, but I think deep down she did love me. She tried to commit suicide twice within less than half a year (one of which I personally prevented in the nick-of-time), and had all the usual things associated with BPD (splitting, etc).
I was going through a tough time in my life (parents splitting up, quit the army, a lot of stress) and centered my happiness around her, but when repeatedly canceled dates because of her new job I lost it and had a nervous breakdown on the phone, to which she gave me the silent treatment no matter how many texts I sent her, eventually turning all the good thing I did to her around (For example I offered her to come live with me because she couldn’t live with her “evil” (split black) parents, and told her she always can call me her family, she was so into it at the moment… but then she said I was putting her under pressure and giving her titles she wasn’t ready for like “family”)… I pleaded and begged but she broke up with me, gave me back my stuff and told me “I know you only want me and love me but you’ll find someone else”…that hurt the most…
Texted her 2 days later, trying to explain myself, she told me to stop bothering her. Texted her 2 weeks later – no reply. Been 2 weeks since I last texted her.
I know we’ll be at the same concert 2 months from now, I don’t want to give up on “us” and I’m doing daily activities to better myself physically and mentally. How do I get her back?
If she wants you back, then you can get her back. Work on your codependency. Your actions and thoughts revolve around this girl which is very unattractive to her. It means that you don’t really have a focus on your own self. Women really like men who focus on themselves most of the time. Women will tell you the opposite, but it’s true. You always hear about women staying with their “mean” boyfriends. Don’t be mean, but definitely don’t be going out of your way for her all the time.
Funny, she changed her profile picture again to a black/white picture, I changed my WhatsApp status to “WTF” and an emoji of our nickname to each other, she changed her status to 2 glitter emojis and a “nope” in the middle. Definitely found out she’s trying to get my attention, she changed her profile pic every time I tried to talk to her, definitely playing mind games with me… should I just go NC and ignore it? let her come after me? she knows I love her, will it drive her crazy for me to suddenly go NC?
I mentioned we’re both going to a the same concert 2 months from now , should I just stay in NC until then and let her initiate contact?
Yeah lol no need to get sucked into these childish games you both are doing.
So you think I can still get her back? obviously she still has some emotions for me, considering it’s been a month since she broke it off and she’s still playing with me.
What’s my best strategy here?
I mean I don’t really worry about ex back stuff because I’m all about moving forward and improving my life. From my experience in coaching for years and years, you can’t do or say anything to get an ex back. That’s not how life works. If your ex wants you back, she’ll let you know. But other fake “gurus” would have you believe otherwise because it’s easy money, hitting on that pain in your chest.
I want to run a situation by you and get your take on it, if you have time. I have read pretty much everything on the site here, and it’s all great advice, and I wish I had read it a few months ago. Me and a girl have known each other for years, and we reconnected 4 months ago, and took an around the world trip. As friends. It was tough, being very attracted to her, but I maintained by distance. There were red flags, regarding sex issues, walking on eggshells, a history of family trauma and self-harm, all of which we talked about fairly openly and understandingly. I didn’t have as thick a skin as I had wished, but hung in there. I wish I had paid better attention to the flags, and just been more relaxed and valued the fun we could have, but after dating for awhile, meeting her parents, etc.., I did want to at least give it a shot, and at least pursue a bit of commitment. We talked about it, but didn’t go that far yet, but were getting closer, and communicating better and better with no added pressure added by me, and we still hadn’t slept together. Having fun. 3 weeks ago she invited me over for a movie, and it was a very pleasant night. The following day, she said that it was a terrible day and she wished she could do that every night. So I offered to do it again, and she said she may take me up on it but had a work event to go to. I didn’t hear back, which is fine, and didn’t push it. I waited 2 days and asked if she would like to get together before I left town for a work event the following week. That was the last communication. I have not written since. Based on my behavior and her, do you think I will hear from her? I only discovered your site after all of this. I don’t think my actions were playing “rescuer” TOO much, but maybe a bit, just making myself available without letting the invite come from her. So perhaps, having BPD, even that gesture put pressure on her. So my instinct is to not reach out, and let her if she would like to. But yes, I would like another chance to call more of the shots and let her make the invites and initiate contact. What do you think about this situation? No point in saying anything, right? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give, Rick. If I get another chance, I have no desire to push any kind of relationship, and just be two independent people having fun when we can, since knowing what I know now, a relationship is mostly just impossible. It felt good telling her what I wanted at the time, and we hung out multiple times after that, but now I wish I could’ve just had thicker skin and have fun.
Haha it’s hard to say man. This is why I don’t listen to the words of women because I’ve had women say “OMG I had so much fun! Let’s get together soon!” and then I never heard from them again, lol. This happens because you’re simply not her main man (yet). She has other men on her mind and you are her back up plan.
If that’s the case, then you need to stop talking to her. Don’t go full No Contact, but just be HARD to contact. Don’t answer her calls every time, don’t text her back right away, etc. Women generally like men who are “busy” and when you don’t answer calls and text back a few hours later, you give off the impression that you’re a busy man. It’s part of the “alpha” attitude that women crave.
Also keep in mind that the system I teach repels basic bitches. Basic bitches are insecure and crazy. They don’t like men who go through my system and that’s good! I don’t want to date basic bitches and I don’t want anyone who goes through my courses to as well.
Thanks for the reply, Rick. Very much agreed. I like the approaches that you take regarding seeing people, and not an illness (BPD), as well as bettering yourself in any way possible.
In retrospect, I probably just would not have pursued anything serious with this girl, even though she meant a lot to me, since I was a bit blind to the red flags, and we could have taken it slower, since my pride (not thinking objectively) definitely came into play and I wanted to give exclusivity a chance. So even though our last interaction was a very nice night on her couch watching a movie and drinking wine, I feel like that one text after asking her out perhaps set her engulfment fears into play. But then I left it, and have so for 3 weeks. So after reading everything on your site and may of these posts, I guess I am second-guessing even that one interaction, and second-guessing offering my company for a movie when she was having a bad day. Is that too much care-giving behavior? Better to wait even then and let her do the inviting in these situations. In many situations, but especially in BPD situations I am thinking.
So I agree that the best thing I can do is forget about her, and thank you for that confirmation. Will stick with radio silence, and keep workin’, livin’, running, etc… I guess that even though the last message came from me, the ball becomes more and more in my court as time goes on, correct? I didn’t make her chase the ball. I wasn’t needy in the least, but didn’t make her chase the damn ball, and want another chance at it.
I did like the excitement of it (as you have written that you have to, as long as you stay true and strong to yourself). Not all of it, but some of it, so I thought that a simple message saying “I realize we aren’t cut out for anything serious, but the one time when we have a lot of fun is when we take spontaneous trips, so get in touch if you ever want to pick a destination and just go.” Or something like. And just let go of all relationship aspirations/strong emotions. It sounds strong and objective and setting a boundary in my head, saying I don’t want the relationship, but we do some exciting things together and why not continue if the time is right, but would you even consider something like that as an option? Again, sounds okay in my head, but on paper, or in her head? Hmm…thanks again, Rick. Barring just putting that option out there for her to do with what she will with it (am curious as to what you think), I will let go and move on…
If you do anything with the intentions of getting her back, your mindset is bad and you’re being codependent. So just stick to fixing yourself.
Lol their brains are fine but go ahead and judge them, blame them, whatever makes you feel better :)
reasonable person says
Just like judging your commenters and telling them it’s their fault for putting too much weight on words. Real therapist here.
I’m not a therapist. I’m a realist. And sometimes the truth hurts. Time to grow up.
I am/was in a relationship with a BPD gf. As you may know at the start everything was wonderful. The problem is that I also have OCD (hence the insecurities etc…). My gf, due to her BPD, had (lets say) a pretty naughty past (multiple partners). My obsessions turned on her passed and this stated to pull down our relationship. We tried to go the a psy together, but the psy turned out to be biased with my gf (she was probably sorry for her past as a child), so we quit.
At last I was able to control my obsessions related to the past. As soon as I controlled them, she had to take an operation which during recovery, we couldn’t be intimate. This led to my obsessions to turn on the thought taht she don’t want to have sex with me and started to compare with her past partners etc…
After her recovery, things were somehow stable and the obsessions decreased but last Sunday, out of the blues, she told me that during the last month, she always forced herself to be intimate with me. After some discussions, I went away and told her that I was going to break up. She repeatedly told me that she loves me and don’t want to break up and I told her that we would talk the day after. The day after, it was her who broke up. Now we are in the situation were we had broke up but she is telling me that she wants her space to see what she feels about me. If she can stay without me or not.
I’m afraid that my continuous obsessions regarding sex let her to see sex as something forced so she ended up not wanting to have sex, which led up to heavier obsessions etc.. At the end, we texted and decided that I would go to a therapist for my OCD and she told me “we will see how it goes after you visit the therapist”. What I also saw is that by time, she always used the “card” of breaking up to get what she wants. Either stop doing this or that or its over, and me being the insecure, helping Knight type of person, always accepted her terms to not break up.
My questions are:
1. Do you think is really only my fault here, were my OCD made her BPD worst?
2. Did she break up for fear of me breaking up if our sex life wont come back?
3. DO you think she will come back after this break?
Thanks a lot
Yes I think it’s 100% your fault because of your obsession with her past and with sex. It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship when you are obsessing over these things. It does nothing but push away your partner and cause her to lose feelings for you. Put yourself in her shoes: why would she want to be with a guy that constantly judges her and wants to always have sex?
MM.. You are right. The thing is that my OCD kept putting the thought in my had that she never had any issue to sexually crave someone everyday. Why does she have it with me. Think she did have this issue with me cause I gave her the impression that I only wanted sex.
At least yesterday she showed me that she has our relationship at her heart. She told me that if I go to therapy (which I started this morning), she will start dating again. She also promised me that she will wait for me (her words were: “cause u mean a lot to me and I love u a lot, I don’t want anybody else. The feelings I have for you I never felt them before”) and that she will not date anyone in the mean time. She also posted songs with strong lyrics showing that she still loves me and misses me and before she went to sleep, she sent me that she loves me (by her own will, I didn’t ask her).
Am I too hopeful here? Do you thing that this is the borderline talking now or that she really may be coming back?
Well, I personally don’t listen to the words of anybody. I care only about actions. So she can say all she wants, write all she wants, but if you put an amazing new man in front of her, do you really think she’ll turn him down? The answer is no. So my advice is to be realistic. Don’t be hopeful like that. Don’t do ANYTHING with the hopes of pleasing this woman. You should ONLY do things to make your own self feel happy. That’s all that matters. You must be true to yourself or you will always struggle in life and relationships.
I dated a person who I think was BPD. He strongly pursued me for 2 months. Presents attention time. He was so genuine. He moved really fast. His emotions would rapidly change about work situation and friends. After claiming he loved me, he then states he can’t handle his feelings for and and wants to focus on his career. 2 weeks later I called him and asked him to talk, he got upset, hung up on me and blocked my number.
I don’t feel he was a player but I could be wrong. I know his interest and feelings felt genuine. I’m not one to hold on but I don’t think I handled things with compassion as you suggest. Do you think he will contact me again? I’m doing as you suggest and really living my life but this was really heartbreaking.
What was heartbreaking about it? To me, it doesn’t sound like a serious relationship at all. Only 2 months and then 2 weeks of no contact? That’s really not something to get attached over. I would suggest working on your own attachment issues which is really important.
It’s probably best you just don’t see her at all. Or, you become just friends with her. That’s the way to do it.
Well I’m glad you picked up my Blueprint because you really need that reprogramming. This ‘relationship’ was kind of dead from the beginning because you come off as very wishy-washy in her eyes. She doesn’t know your intentions. You are too scared and “shy” to make a move. But shyness is due to your fears. So make sure you go over the sections on fears and control over and over again in the program.
Here is the truth: women don’t like men who are wishy-washy and uncertain. It shows that you’re incongruent. It shows that you’re unassertive and unsure about YOURSELF. This is why my program has a lot of self-development training. So this relationship was really doomed from the beginning because you don’t trust yourself. And as a result, you’re now playing these NC manipulation games. While it’s easy to blame this girl and all that, the real problem simply lies with your own issues. And this is why you must work on these things.
Thanks for the comment and advice Rick.
I’m not blaming her, don’t get me wrong. She made me see my own shortcomings. This experience has been the first step to improve and change my life for the better, I have been playing the waiting/fear of losing control game for too long.
On that NC thing: What else should I have done?
It depends man, every situation is unique. You can’t just follow generic advice and hope it works for you. It just doesn’t work that way. I only go NC if I actually want to cut that person out of my life.
Realised I went NC because I felt I needed some space myself. Just to let that situation simmer and take it’s natural course. If she hadn’t cut it off, I probably would have myself. Was losing my grounding.
Few days ago she came to my place to return something I lend her (in my view an excuse to see what’s up), had a good talk and it seemed the mutual ‘click’ was still there, it was far from cold and cut-off. Taking it from there without any expectations.
And there she was…5 days later. ‘Returning’ something that I let her keep and didn’t really needed back. In my view a pretty thin excuse to come over to see what’s up.
Had an open and positive talk, not about the breakup or whatever…but just casual, as friends do. But then when saying goodbye…the spark popped back up.
She’s now phoning again, calling me ‘sweetheart’ etc etc. I’m doing my own thing, keeping a healthy distance. (Still missing her like crazy from time to time tho.)
My mindset is slowly starting to shift towards feeling good about myself, eventho I catch myself from time to time ‘waiting’ for that phone to ring.
Good, good. You are on the right path!
I’ve been reading your articles with much interest you have such a refreshing optimism surrounding BPD. I’m feeling very confused and upset right now as my boyfriend and I had what seemed to be the perfect relationship and it ended very suddenly, for as far as I could tell no reason at all! He just said he needed space and that his head is messed up and that he can’t deal with a relationship right now. He hates himself and has no self esteem. He says he feels he’s not good enough for me right now. I have discovered since the break up that he was in an institute a few years ago after a very toxic relationship with an alcoholic woman 20 years older than him and was diagnosed with BPD. I went to his house to confront him about the break up last weekend he was very upset as was I. (He finished with me via text). We have text a little bit since but he’s insisting he needs space to sort himself out…I’m not sure what the best thing to do is in regards to contacting him? I recently told him that I’m going away for 6 weeks to work abroad and he says that’s a great opportunity for me. I was thinking perhaps after the 6 weeks away we might be able to meet up and talk is this realistic do you think? He was always saying you are so lovely you are so nice to me you’re amazing…its all very confusing.
I think that you should give him his space. But the bigger problem is that you’re pursuing a guy with no self-esteem. This just doesn’t make much sense. Why would a woman want to be with a man who has no self-esteem? You need to ask yourself that question…
My ex girlfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. We lived together for the past three years and while we had our ups and downs…She always assured me she was happy and told me many times no matter how much she lost control she never wanted to lose us. She always asked me to never abandon her and frequently made me promise I would never leave.
Although we argued I never had any intention of leaving her. Yes I said some things out of anger I didn’t mean, yes I have a rescuer complex and I totally enabled her, and yes I recently discovered I was codependent and I’m going to therapy and reading a lot of self help books for that.
She told me out of the blue (an hour after telling me she can’t wait for us to be married and have children) that she was unhappy. She told me she only ever said those things because she thought they would make me happy.
I don’t know if I was showing signs of weakness and that what caused this. Work has been very lucrative lately and I’m making more money than I’ve ever made in my entire life. We were looking at houses, talking about future plans together, I even offered to pay for her finish school since it wasn’t going to be an issue… However, since work has been so incredibly crazy I have been a little on edge, having anxiety attacks and asking her to do a little more around the house.
Now I’m not putting the full blame on her but I will say honestly as of the past six months she did nothing around the house. Sometimes she would cook. She would never clean, never do laundry, never buy groceries or pay rent. I was starting to feel used. When she did buy something she would tell me “Well I had to pay the cable bill sooo, can I borrow your credit hard to buy _____ ” I would always give in to please her and like I said.. Money wasn’t an issue. But I started to resent her for treating me like a cash supply instead of a partner.
I don’t know what it was. Was it me being an enabler? Was it the opportunities at work? Did she think I was going to make all this money and then leave her? Was it my anxiety attacks showing signs of weakness?
I love her, and I want to work on this. However, this past month has been very nice because I believe it allowed me to have space as well as giving me time to look at the bigger picture. I haven’t contacted her and she contacted me once asking me not tell my family or friends over a little trouble she got into. I didn’t respond to her. She knows I have other things to do than bad mouth her to people and embarrass her.
I think it’s important that you keep doing your own thing here. When she contacts you, it’s okay to talk to her and shoot the shit. Nothing wrong with that. I think guys react a little too hard and do this whole ‘ignore’ thing which is just manipulation and not really needed.
What do you do when your bpd ex wants to sleep with you but doesnt want a relationship
LMAO well if you just want sex, then go for it. If you don’t want to be her boy-toy, then tell her “Nah I’m good, give Tinder a try” and then ignore her for a couple of days.
Well here goes the short version me an my ex were together 4 years and have 2 boys together we broke up in may around mothers day since then she has gotten married to a man she met the last month I lived with her they got an apt together but in between all this she has done and said things thst make me think she was giving me chances to show I could change and be a better person we went met up for food on 2 occasions she said she was getting annoyed with him before they were married each time I got excited and tried to get back with her and rush her an she pushed me away saying it was an elaborate plan to get me to move on and get over her there a few other incidents like this where I tried to rush her into a relationship but now she is married and we did spend a day together with the kids she got her nails done and we went shopping she told me she didn’t know.what she wanted and she was confused her husband was texting and freaking out the whole time at that moment she said she was annoyed by him because he was being insecure and untrusting and she was lying to him to be around me well he found out she told him she wouldn’t lie to him again I asked her if she was going to lie so we could hang out and she said yes 2 days that followed I tried to talk her into leaving hI’m and she pushed me away again and took.back everything she said that day such as she isn’t confused she wants her husband and lives him said hr doesn’t annoy her she loves thst he acts like thst because it shows he cares and he is her husband so she will do everything she can to make him feel better I found out he also takes her phone which causes them to fight he goes through all of her messages so we are.not aloud to text at all he cries and says he will kill himself if she ever left him he throws up from reading our messages and etc but she swears she loves all that about him and since then I’ve been working on getting used to the idea of her being gone and not coming back so I won’t jump at every opportunity but he has only known her for about 3 months I do want my family bak and I do really love her even with the bad and j feel like she feels the same but won’t admit it or something? Am I just in denial here or is there a chance I can still fix this and make it right last time I dropped my boys off I didn’t say anything to her she tried to make small talk and be sweet and nice and I just ignored it since then we have had no contact at all and she hasn’t tried to even contact me at all
I just don’t really put a lot of weight on words. I don’t let myself be controlled by the words of others (such as her ‘you need to work on yourself’). When you have your shit together, it’s really hard to let the words of others control you and tell you what to do. And it’s your own fault that you put so much weight on words.
Mt current ex and I had a wonderful relationship for over a year. I felt it made us both better people and a great match. She didn’t like talking about past relationships much, but i was ok with it. Right before and after we broke up she turned into a different person; stating she doesn’t know what love is, her past ex was (emotionally) abusive, her mom is still recovering from an abusive relationship 20 years later and she believes she is highly sensitive. her parents are divorced with her mom dating throughout her life and her dad living and hour away with less of a role, (having his own family). Her situation raised flags for me, but she was so perfect… until the end. I started reading about highly sensitive people and abuse victims which led me to start reading about bpdp. Toward the end of our relationship she blamed me for everything, unwilling to communicate, contradicting herself, gaslighting, and threatening to end things if i didn’t change, etc… Everything I’ve read tells me to run and she is crazy with no hope, until I came across this sight and learning it was both our faults. She experiences things different, wish I knew that that months ago…6 months have past I’ll text her every couple weeks with minimal response. I still care for her and not sure what to do.
Are highly sensitive people misunderstood for bpdp?
Should i try to continue communication/or just wait for her?
Should I tell her I’ve tried to educate myself about her situation?
Look, you can’t text your way back into an ex. I know there are several programs out there spreading these lies, but you got to understand that any ‘get an ex back’ program is designed to just suck your money away because you’re desperate. So knowing this, how do you get an ex back? Patience and time. That’s really the only way. The quicker you remove yourself from his/her life, the more you increase your chances of getting back with him/her. If you stick around and try to “win” her back, it won’t work because she will 100% be fucking another guy while you’re doing all these nice things for her lol…
You can get back with an ex, it’s just that it takes a long time. Sine you’re been separated for a year, this usually means that she may be open to trying again. I just think it’s a waste of time however. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Doesn’t really make sense to focus on the past now does it?
Hi Rick, I got engaged to my boyfriend of 9 years in Dec 2015. We were supposed to get married in Dec 2016. We have had many ups and downs in our relationship. He was always the one to talk about breaking up immediately on the first statement of a fight. I kept holding on and this relationship continued for this long. He’s come back as per his convenience and always expected me to accept him and I always did. I got engaged to him even when the time wasn’t right for me because he said his family wouldn’t let him be unmarried for any more time. And now when after engagement we kept having arguments he decided to quit. He did not care about my opinion or ask me what I want. I don’t know what should I do. Some days I feel he is my soul mate. But other days when I remember what he did I can’t forget the hurt and pain he’s put me through.
Why do you even allow yourself to get into arguements. In my opinion, the sign of a WEAK, FRAIL man is a man who starts arguments with his girl. I know guys who will have these 1-2 hour arguments with his girlfriend because he’s “not happy” with her. But, he’s actually just a weak piece of shit that has no idea how to be a good boyfriend.
Maxim b says
I dated my ex-gf for one year everything was fine and literally she was the love of my life. But after our one year anniversary a week later she broke up with me and said she needs a break cause she is stressed out from university. Then a few days later I kept texting her and she kept begin for me to give her space and that I’m making it harder for her. Now she’s saying we are broken up and she lost her feelings for me when a week before the break up she was so happy and said she loves me. She constantly would go through different emotions and had a eating disorder…I think she has bds and should I give her a big break and maybe try to contact her again ? I love this girl she has changed me mentally and spiritually…
You need to learn the ATTITUDE that I teach. I’m a “mindset” coach. You need to learn what really makes women attracted to you in the long run. Keep in mind that a woman’s happiness simply comes from being with a man who has that “alpha” attitude. That’s what makes her happy! So definitely consider joining my Relationship Academy and going through my courses and podcasts. You’ll learn what keeps a woman happy for the long run when she’s with you.
Well no where on my site do I claim to “fix” Borderlines lol. And I always tell people to STOP trying to fix and STOP trying to be the hero. But the problem with the BPD label is that they are all different. You can’t categorize people with BPD in one bucket. There are plenty of Borderlines who got their shit under control and have lived happy lives. There are also others who belong in a nut house (as with any disorder).
Yes your blog doesn’t say to try with BPD or to be a hero but it says being a normal person we need to accept our faults and do not blame BPD spouse. I agree with that statement and I did the same. Every other day my wife will remember something and come to fight on same topic. If I say sorry she will still fight and at some point she will give silent treatment. This went for couple of years. I was in singapore for long period and she was in US. She started an affair. When I came I found her boy friend and her are in house. She even took money from me to gift her bf and go florida.
I rented house somewhere else. Left her because she doesn’t want to fix things. She filled divorce for which I agreed. We spent whole day togather she regret but she did not asked me to come back. I didn’t beg as well.
He is hitting her and she met me yesterday to tell me she wants to come back. I didn’t reply but asked her do you still love him for which she said she loves him but he is angry person ( because he doesn’t know anything about bpd). Then she started telling me she get along with him so well but he is angry person and she doesn’t want to live with him because he might hit her again. So she turned to me. I asked how is it goimg to work since she love him. She said she love me too everyday she thinks of me but she doesn’t love me as she used too.
I am always an option for her. So I must go back and try with her and her boy friend will be still chasing her during period. I am alone and sometimes depressed too because things going other way.
No in this case, do you think I work with my spouse and apply the things using your atricle says, because I already did. How to work with BPD when they always likes to punish their spouse with something horrible. Yes we are normal but it lead a normal person to commit a sucide. I am sorry but it is true.
In your case, I recommend finding a woman who respects you. Your wife will just be a headache and won’t develop that respect for you because she already lost it. It’s just not worth gaining that respect back, it’s much better to just meet a new woman. And with all the new training that you learn from me, you’ll start the new relationship off on the right foot :)
My BPD husband left me and our two children, 2 and 6, in June, and moved back home with his parents. We were together eight (rocky) years.
Four months after our seperation, he started being nicer to me, which gave me time to reflect on things I had done instead of dwelling on my pain.
I realized I had not admired him, appreciated him, or accept him for who he was, so I sat down with him and told him this, apologized and asked for one more chance. I told him things would be different, and that I didn’t want our two year old daughter having no memories of her parents together, and only knowing a single parent home. I also told him I still loved him, and I didn’t want another man raising our children, we wanted him too.
He said he doesn’t love me anymore. I let him talk and just listened, but it seemed so unfair, because he kept bringing up little ways he thought I tried to control him from years ago. I tried to empathize and tell him I MADD a lot of mistakes. He doesn’t seem like he wants to try at all. I’m heartbroken and so sad for my kids. I asked him for one more chance. Do you think he’ll change his mind? I have been practicing the three A’s ( admiration, acceptance, appreciation) very sincerely.
Those 3 A’s don’t really matter if he doesn’t want you back. It doesn’t matter how much you love and admire someone — if they don’t feel anything romantically for you, you have no chance of getting him. Relationships need to be 50/50. You need to just let him go for now. Your absense might make him feel things for you again.
Hey Rick, what is your direct email address. I really need help with my situation as I feel that so much has been said/done but somehow there is still a major chance for me and my girl. She was diagnosed of BPD at age 12…and has always had relationship issues. None of them lasted the length of ours and our wedding was practically planned out and then arguments started and a bunch of pettiness. I just know in my heart she is the one for me…and i feel maybe abandonment issues caused her to look alot deeper in arguments and our breakup and throw in an emotional towel. Her friends even tell me to give her time and that still loves me very deeply and is in love with me. Even though she told me isnt…she is unhappy….fate will bring us back…she talks about our memories…says she hates me…is done talking to me then says im the best thing that has ever happened for her and that she wants me to be her friend. Says, if its meant to be, we will be. Still flirts with me…wanted to come over and hangout. Says no one has motivated her, inspired her, been there for her, loved her like i have….its all weird. I can explain the entire story through email….and maybe some of those text you mentioned above can help if i send them her way. I just feel like this is truly what she wants and i take full blame for my part in us getting to where we are…but i just do not believe this is the end nor do i believe this is how we were supposed to end. We were best friends/soulmates…and all the above ;(
She just says a bunch of wild stuff because she is trying to throw you off your life. Keep in mind she does all of this on an unconscious level. The reality is that these women want to be brought into your world. But if you’re like most guys, you don’t realize this. You end up spending all your time trying to fit into her chaotic world. And obviously, that’s really unattractive to a woman and so she pushes the guy away…
At this point she has backed off of her friends, me, everyone. Kind of gone cold and distant…met a new guy and post all kinds of pics of her with him. We are not friends on social media but we have so many mutual friends that everyone is concerned. They send me stuff daily even though I have told each and everyone not to. I have backed off in talking to her but then out of the blue she will send me a random message about something shallow. Something that really doesnt matter ideally as if she is just trying to see if I will respond. i really do want her back… I have loved her through the rage and outburts and mean statements. I just dont want to be pushy or clingy but also dont want her to feel like I dont care. The one time i stopped speaking to her …she said, i was just like everyone else in her life that left. The push and pull is serious…. this situation is almost like something ud watch on TV. All our friends and family are devestated…and in disbelief that we arent together and even more in disbelief at the new guy that no one knows. Ive focused more on myself in the past three weeks…not really reaching out to her…almost waiting for her to come back or reach out first. Am i doing the right thing? Do you have experience with a BPD female coming back on her own? What are the direct emotional triggers that cause them to come back? I know they say give it time but is there a time frame on losing her for good?… is it possible she really has gotten over me so easily…and care free? (Sorry so long and so sorry so many questions) — i literally was planning to propose Valentines day next month….hence why im so distraught.
You just need to ignore her dumb texts. She’s with a new guy, it does you no good to try to text her and win her back or whatever. My opinion is that when a girl is with a new man, or if there’s another guy in the picture, it’s best to drop her. Just tell her “I wish you luck with your new man, don’t contact me anymore” and then ignore anything she says/does. She might hit you up in a few months when she’s gotten bored of her new man.
I wondered what your take was on this, (sorry for any mistakes english is not my first language)
my bf (diagnosed BPD & OCD) ‘breaks’ up with me constant (we live together and he moves out and goes to stay with his mom regularly). but when I step back, improve myself and my life, focus on me, stop putting ALL the effort (I usually do all effort) and get on with my life, it always turns out when we get back together that he thought I hated him the whole time and his silence hadn’t been lost intrest, but him thinking I found him anoying (despite my constant reassurrance).
but he still does it? breaks up with me, goes silent, doesn’t respond, he doesn’t want us anymore. says really bad things. but in the past he explains he never lost intrest (which it looks) but fearing it being the other way around. in other words, when I shrug and back off – I’m forced to when he runs off and goes silent – it seems to make it worse. is zero texting/calling him still the answer?
That’s just him trying to throw the blame on you for him leaving. Aka he doesn’t take responsibility for his idiocy. If I were you, I would be done with him. Why don’t you find yourself a man who’s actually available and warm and loving instead of this man-child? Remember that bpd men are MUCH different than bpd women. I’ve never met a Borderline man who’s worth pursuing. They all deserve to die alone in my opinion. On the other hand, Borderline women can be great in relationships as long as they have the right man.
Hi Rick. I have spent 5 beautiful months with my girlfriend Alex. We were making plans for next summer, she would text me 20 times a dayt that she loved me. One night at dinner with friends, I was very quiet, tired from work. She started getting angry that I did not participate in the evening discussions, which is true. This later led to some argumentation, which was unpleasant but not violent. I got home and received “I wanna stop this relationship”. We then had big big fights over texting but we havent seen eachother since then. She has blocked me from all social media sites and all I can do to contact her is either see her or send her a letter. I was aware that she has a health issue, but it’s not until after the breakup that I looked up Borderline syndrome. I understand a lot of her reactions now, and kinda feel shitty about how I treated her. I still love her tho, and feel that we still have a lot of beautiful things ahead of us. What can I do ?
Well for 1, you need to quit think thinking that you two have a beautiful future together. It’s just a fantasy of yours. It’s something that you wish would happen, but reality is that it will never happen. I also think you text too much. I don’t like to text that often with girls I date. I’d rather have her thinking about what I’m doing. Being MYSTERIOUS is incredibly important in relationships.
It’s not worth taming BPD women, unless you’re a BPD co-dependent.
I am not happy unless I am with a BPD or NPD woman, but since one day you get a realization that there can never be equal respect in the relationship – it loses a lot of the deeper meanings. One of you has to be on top, and it doesn’t work with her in control.
The advice here isn’t bad, but most men honestly need to find someone better. Every meaningful relationship in my life has been with a BPD, because it’s the only thing that fits. For more normal guys they are best to steer clear. Even a tamed BPD is stressful.
The BPD I love, I can’t be with. It hurts way to much to treat her that way.
You’re 100% wrong. Codependents cannot date Borderlines at all. In fact, it’s the Codependent issues that ruin 99% of the relationships out there, BPD or not. It’s not about ‘taming’ people. If you think you need to ‘tame’ your partner, then relationships in general are not for you. You tried to tame your partner and she left you. I would have left you too. I’m not an animal.
My Boy Friend is BPD. We been in relationship for a year. During relationship, we had fights, I was been verbally abused when I spoke of another guy in front of him, sometimes silent treatments but finally somehow we used get together. Either of us used to initiate patch up and the other accepts.
In 2015 May, I had a new job in different state and I had to leave him. When i communicated this he said he does not want any relationship with me and said Good Bye. After 3 months he sent me an marriage request on matrimony site for which I did not respond to it. Again 3 months later I texted him couple of times but there is no response.
I don’t know why, I still think of him. I am unable to move on in my life. I feel very terrible sometimes. I still have some hope that he will communicate which never happened. I still Love him, friends tell me that I am crazy.
I really want to move on but I am unable to. Please advice me?
Not able to move on with your life? This sounds like Codependency to me. Work on your codependency. I talk about this subject a lot on here. It’s very common actually.
I was told that I am BPD as well.
Can both BPD partners get attracted? What happens to the relationship?
I know it is very complex to answer :)
Let me ask you this: are you going to let some diagnosis by a doctor (who probably has BPD as well) control your life? Alter your life? I just sent out an email yesterday about how a study just came out revealing that 46% of therapists actually have deeper issues than their clients. Think about that for a bit…
Dont ever fall in a trap of a BPD who instead accuses you og being BPD. I am told all BPDs have a tendency of blaming the others for their own fault/BPD. They always call the others as BPDs.
But this is exactly what all the non’s and “normal” people do LOL. Who’s right???
I was committed to my 20 yr old gf for 3 months. I didn’t know she had BPD until after we broke up. She always texted me telling me how great I was, even after our last time hanging out. The next day she got a message from a guy she met right before me. She had already told me about that guy, they got in an argument in the middle of their first time having sex and never saw each other again. She originally messaged him a few weeks after me and her started when she said she was mad at me, she apologized to him and he didn’t see it till 3 months later when he apologized as well. This brought back her feelings.
I ended things with her even though I didn’t want to. Her initial reaction was just sorry for my loss, not regret or fear of losing me. She was thinking of seeing the other guy. Days later she told me she almost told me she loved me last time we were together. I thought she still wanted me so asked for her back but then she’d say she couldn’t decide so I said bye again.
I texted her for answers tho and she said part of her was afraid to be with me because im unsure of my career and where im going, which is true, im 24, but I just thought she was rationalizing. She’d text me when she was sad and lonely saying she thought she’d never be as happy as she was when she was with me, she started telling me she was afraid she was going to kill herself. I was bitter at times with her because she wanted my sympathy but didn’t want me.
2 months later now, we had tons of back and forth, her telling me she misses me and wants me, only to say shes afraid to see me. Afraid to lead me on, afraid to hurt me again. She told me she hooked up with 2 other guys and that the guy she had feelings for is too busy to see her for 2 more months.
We hung out once recently and had tons of fun but she wouldn’t sleep with me, she said i turned her on but was afraid of feeling guilty so i kindly let her go figuring if she hooked up with other guys but wouldn’t with me she doesn’t want me.
A week later she told me she was gonna return to her old bulimic ways. I kindly said she could make it through it, she accused me of not caring. I ignored her and she later apologized for being a bitch, she just said she was jealous she couldn’t have me and was disgusted thinking I was sleeping with someone else.
Should I even want her back? Would it even be possible if I wanted her?
Hahaha I think you did good man. She is just telling you all this B.S. because you got the upper hand on her, dumping her before she could leave you. That is always a good thing to do. It takes a lot of strength to do that, but you did it and she’s still wanting you back. So good job man, props to you. You basically hold the power here so really you can do what you want. I would keep her as a ‘side chick’ for a while, you obviously can’t commit nor trust her at this point. Maybe if she shows you complete dedication for 6 months you can consider something exclusive.
unsure of your career ?. lol what a bunch of bs guilt trip. I was in the same boat but after i left my ex gf ( i think she was bpd or npd) but i reprogrammed my brain to be more aware of all these tactics they use and now their tricks wont work anymore
I am really hoping you can point me in the best and most effective direction towards getting my bpd girlfriend back. I appreciate any advice and time you have for me.
We have been together around two years and only broke up when massive triggers set her off – always something significant in her family like her mother being seriously injured, her father nearly dying and other such stressful events.
Naturally, I understand being pushed away due to her fear of abandonment (especially in these circumstances) and have always managed to get through to her and then work through the situations together. Most recently though, this breakup has been different. While still fuelled by stress and loss of perceived control over her life, she has pushed me away harder than ever and delved into her detached mode so deep that I barely recognise her. I don’t believe the things she says such as she doesn’t love me, or that we’re not a match, or that I need to explore the other fish in the sea etc. This is her longest relationship (despite being 41yo) and by far the healthiest.
I have tried reaching out to her to let her know that I am always here for her and that she doesn’t have to face anything alone if she doesn’t want to. She is at the point where she is initiating no contact and won’t take my calls or reply to messages.
There is a lot of love between us and I am more than willing to learn as much as possible to be the best support I can be for her – I want to grow personally and be the best version of myself, so learning is welcome!
My hope and prayer is that she will come back to me and I want to know if there is anything at all that I can do to encourage this to happen rather than unintentionally pushing her further away? Can I save what we have been building?
Thank you in advance Rick :)
Oh, and I forgot to mention that none of our breakups have ever been nasty – We have always spoken softly and respectfully to each other through it. Not like some breakups are where a lot of anger is expressed and nasty things being said. Bridges have not been burned with fiery words as such.
I enjoyed reading your article.
I spent 4 years with my BPD girl friend. It took me 4 years to figure out she had BPD, as I thought she was bi-polar. It was the worst 4 years of my life. I have never encountered anything so unhealthy. She put me through hell. I was fortunate to have a friend that educated me on BPD. The best thing that ever happened to me was the last 6 months away from her. No one, and I mean no one should ever want their BPD ex back. It’s a certain life spent with nothing but turmoil. She is the nastiest person to ever crossed my path.
To the people that want their BPD ex back: If you are unhealthy, and want a relationship with someone that you will never be able to trust with your basic well-being, then by all means, have at it.
I get a lot of website traffic from people who want an ex back. But I always tell people that if they want an ex, they need to realize that it’s not about what to do (as this article states). It’s more about learning what NOT to do, what mistakes to avoid and to actually just move forward and live their lives. Waiting around for an ex does nobody any good.
Hi Rick, it’s taken almost a year for me to buy your course. (the whole thing)
That’s my will tell you where my mindset is, as you know where I have been in the meantime.
I have been a victim, a victor, a survivor, a hater, a philosopher and have been up shit street without a paddle.
My saving grace has been my counsellour who does not buy into “disorders” and she has been patiently giving me clues into my own problems.
My own creation of the person I married after I was love-bombed, manipulated and controlled.
Your emails have been coming to me for almost a year, and I had lived in hope that this was a bad dream, and that the person I created was going to turn up and work with me as to have this future.
He did, his trouble in paradise in the same old story.
2 discarded women, that he walked away from and didn’t leave any clues for them.
He came to tell me, and tried to erase me 11 months of hell. He “needs” me. (He was sick)
Meeting up with him recently as to ask him questions as to what went down, and can see that he was willing to give me the answers as to heal.
Yet my ego took over after the meet up and I sent a barrage of blame and basically negated the meeting.
He is aware of what he does. And he was interested as to what my counsellour would say as to “If this could work?”
I asked her and she left it to me to find “What needs do we need to be met?”
I had already bought your course by then. 100% fired up to make “this” work.
The realisation after writing in my blog and emailing him back, that what I need most is communication. He just can’t give me that.
My heavy heart is finally learning to accept.
The course is brilliant, and I am making a routine of walking the dog and listening to the audio’s I have downloaded on my phone.
I am that co-dependent that I sometimes catch glimpses of myself through the broken mirror as BPD. There is something there that still makes me feel connected to this man. (I am 46 and he is older)
My question, and dilemma is do I try and keep contact as platonic friends? (He will have control of that) Or do I break this connection completely.
I see that you don’t have that emphasis on No Contact?
I don’t quite buy into the fact that they are toxic. I know I am toxic with certain situations. And energy vampires, he doesn’t drain me unless he is depressed. (And then that goes fro everyone who is depressed).
I hope to write a good review in time, as I have been around the houses with this, and have seen the problems that people suffer in not accepting responsibility with the adult abuse they have suffered. The ego is a terrible thing. And I could have wiped out so much of this and previous heartache just by knowing I was a co-dependent. I am so glad that your course is so much more than BPD. Thank you.
Glad to hear that your counselor thinks outside the box on this stuff. There aren’t a lot of them left and from the last email I sent out, I discussed this. My opinion on people like this is that YOU really hold all the power. You just need to realize this. When you’re codependent, you submit this power. You fall under their spell. You allow them to control your mind and emotional state. You put them on a pedestal and so on. Basically, you’re a slave to their will. And it’s really bad. So imagine yourself as someone who had the power, someone who would rather be single but strong. How would this type of person react? If you had 10 other amazing men wanting to be with you right now, how would you respond to this one ex? What would your attitude towards him be like?
Great site and articles. Can you share your views on my story please, more I’ve read more I think she has bpd but I am unsure as some things don’t tick the box for it like I read they won’t apologise and make it out its your fault but she actually took full blame and said I didn’t deserve it and deserved better and was very sorry. We knew each other years not close but knew. She added me on FB last year and we got talking and it just kept going each and every day for months. Until we hooked up. She promised the moon and stars, said I was the best man she met so genuine and kind she was so lucky.. Then 2 months in she changed, she got distant and cold, most things I did annoyed her but then she was high again and it was fine! High and low. Now short background on her, adopted, loved her adoptive father hates her mother, has a child and guy ran off and never helped raise the child. Father died of cancer in 2008 and she lost the run of herself took drugs partied a lot and tried to commit suicide. Got better and met a guy, who turned into an abusive guy, beat her and stole her and her kid got shaken up by it something I know hurts her a lot. She went back to college when she broke free from him and got a new home and spent time alone for a while bed for she met me. She got cold and would blow up over silly things mostly stuff when we talked by text I would say something and she would take it wrong and get angry and say how she has to see how this relationship would go she wasn’t so sure. Then ok again next day sending kisses etc.. Days before she ended it she spoke how I can meet her mother soon… Then she got angry with me for saying something to my friend about our relationship as she is private and wanted me to be she hated people knowing our business etc very paranoid about this fact. Days later we spoke on FB I told her I loved her and she replied she didn’t think it would work we didn’t gel and she didn’t feel it. I didn’t reply for two weeks was so hurt. Seemed she didn’t care. When I did reply we talked it all out and she said sorry I didn’t deserve it she had sleepless nights over it and she felt so bad but I will do better than her and I was a great man and catch and maybe one day she will regret it and have a breakdown but she will keep busy as its her way to cope. I said its best we delete each other off FB so I heal more so and we can move on she seemed hesitant but then said yeah it’s what we both need then. She said sorry again and she didn’t set out to hurt me it was opposite in fact but she knows she did and I deserved better. I told her it was all ok and don’t feel bad and I cared about her a lot and always would and I’d miss her a lot. Good wishes and she left it with a “x” that was it. 2 months now no contact from either. I also knows she stubborn like me and she’s an independent type of girl so she will do what she can to cope and I do wish her well. I’d like to speak to her one day again and wondered from reading my story do you think she will reach out one day or its best she doesn’t or she won’t. I did think about it as I felt she done it online and never seen me since so she would feel shamed but I told her she shouldn’t she’s human it happens she’s not a monster. What do you think?
She’s not coping, she probably just found a new partner and has moved on. Getting caught up over an ex isn’t healthy, and girls like this especially move on quick. You might linger in her head from time to time, but believe me these girls are out replacing you quick so they can forget about you. And there really isn’t anything wrong with it when you look at it from her perspective. I don’t think she’s a monster at all, she just wants more from a man so she’s moving on.
Sadly my wife is also BPD. My BPD wife left me. I am going through the exact same grill as most of the people above. We dated for 7 long years before getting married. We had 5 years age difference. She looked up to me in the begining. Then she started occassionaly cheating on me. Finally after we got married, she acted as if I were a stranger. She stopped loving me and developed a homosexual relationship with another girl from her office. Then she declared that she is moving out. I cried and begged but that made her more and more resilient. Sometimes she said that she loved me and later she would say that I deserved a better girl. She was extremely depressed and unhappy. But she suddenly became oblivious to your long relationship. She kept blaming me for all her own faults. She would deliberately pick a fight and scream with fits of rage. Now I miss all that. She has blocked me from all possible media of communication. Like all the above I am also eagerly waiting for her to make a prodigal return. I am aware that she will never change and we will never have a healthly relationship. But I love her too much.
Live and learn. The mistake was allowing her bad behavior to go unpunished. You need to punish your partner harshly when they disrespect you. The people who walk on eggshells always lose the girl because they’re passive and weak. Get in my Relationship Academy and learn!
Interesting perspective. I must say, you are one of the few folks out there who tends to excuse BPDs individuals and rather blame it on their partners (Co-dependants). It is a real shame what partners like myself who did everything humanly possible to sustain the relationship and make it a happy one. Alas, some things are just not meant to be. And being a happy person if you are a BPD individual is one of them. Unless these disordered individuals come to terms with their condition and seek DBT therapy, it won’t matter who they are in a relationship with. No doubt, none of us are perfect, but the BPDs are damaged souls.
That’s because your mentality is completely flawed. Going out of your way to make someone ‘happy’ never works. Never. millions of men learn this the hard way. They think that they can just be some nice guy who does everything for the girl, showers her in gifts, tries to make her feel good all the time, etc. And the result? The girl loses attraction to you because you’re so damn needy. This happens ALL the time. Women DO NOT want to be with a needy man. Why is this so hard for men to accept?
I don’t know man, what you listed above sounds like what a lot of women go through. Any girl that’s attractive and at least 20 years old has had multiple partners, usually with men who are assholes, which cause even more volatility. Maybe this is why doctors to this day still can’t accurately diagnose BPD, since pretty much every girl who has options seems to have these symptoms. The advice here directly applies to BPD. You just don’t like it because you want to blame the BPD for all your problems.
Beverly SAMSON says
Rick, If you think cutting, self-harm, impulsive behavior, promiscuity, volatile relationships are “what a lot of women go through” as you state in your reply to Ben – you are sadly misinformed and just talking as you see fit. Where is your proof? Is this based on your own relationships? That would be a bad way to compile evidence. I think women would be offended by the way to talk about them in this reply to Ben.Doctors can diagnose BPD and you say the cant. You totally avoid facts and basically just think all these men here are as you say to Ben “to blame BPD for all your problems.” Yet you think it cant be diagnosed properly. This information you are selling is ill informed. Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Schema Therapy and practices in Mindfulness and CBT gave proven effective. You really are ignorant to the illness and talking without any facts. Your advice is terrible and could lead to more harm than good. I know women with BPD who would laugh at this garbage you are selling. Any logical person who is honest will at least take part of the blame for a relationship issue. You give smart ass responses with no justification to most people who question you.
Go ahead and send all your “BPD women that you know” over here. But I’m willing to bet you’re just a nasty old feminist who hates men. If you actually did any research (which I have a degree in), you would have found a recent study that prove that more than 50% of therapists in practice today need therapy themselves. So I’m not about to listen to a loonie liberal dried vagina feminist like yourself about “facts” when you couldn’t see a fact from a million miles away.
HAMILTON eLLISON says
Hey man, your article made a lot of sense about the struggles of BPD. My ex left me for confused reasons, I bet your article explained a lot. Me and my ex have been together for two months and I was unaware what BPD could do in a relationship, and was foolish not to do some research in BPD. It sounds very painstaking to have a married life with one, especially since i cant get away with anything that she would say to me since her BPD would probably just take over as usual. Is there a way to get her back, like should i do the no contact zone for 30 days? Then slowly try to crawl back into her life, do you always have to watch your emotions around her? Do you have watch what you say around her, is there a way I can fix my mistakes and get her back into my life. I know I read her terribly, but I was so unprepared for it. I didn’t get mad nor angry with her. I just get confused and moody when I cant get to understand her between the lines she always keeps making. Is there a way you can contact me or show me the right steps in order to bringer back?
If you’re struggling with things to say and what to do, you need a complete shift in your mentality. Basically, you’re a slave to her and she has power over you. Until you regain your self-respect and confidence in yourself, you have zero chance of getting her back. You should join my Relationship Academy and work on your mindsets brotha!
I love my haters, they bring me so much entertainment :)
I just broke up with my bpd girlfriend after two years of truly loving each other, and it is so easy to blame her for everything, her overeactions, her mood swings, etc. and you know I wonder how many times I just acted worst than her out of insecurity, fear, nice guy sindrome, etc. So her excuse is that she has bdp, and what is mine?
I think article is great insight. She really disrepected me and I called it off but also she apologized and reached out and I just ignored her. In order to get her back I dont know if this is the right thing to do. Any insight would be much appreciated
I definitely need more insight to BPD and this article did help.
Do you have any other resources that you recommend?
My ex just walked out after 3 years (out of nowhere) or so I thought.
It’s just a very disturbing process to try to make sense of.
I would suggest just reading through most of my articles. If you want to take your knowledge to the next level, then check out my BPD Blueprint or Relationship Academy.
Currently going through my second round of getting broken with by my seemingly BPD ex girlfriend. What was the most frustrating is that I thought I was ready to do this again. We were together for a year (realistically, we had the honeymoon phase, she wanted me to meet her parents and then she broke up with me but still wanted to see me in this odd, hollow capacity. Recently she claims to have not have had sex with anyone during that time period but who knows, could’ve been a lie)- she moved away, I never imagined I’d see her again. 8 months later she is back in our smallish town and we gravitated towards each other immediately.
I prepared myself, tried to set boundaries, but the more I tried to be rigid like I knew I had to be- it seemed like the more she turned up the heat. She finally cracked me on my birthday where she went all out. She had never shown this much interest or care. She drops a “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” on me and that’s when she got me hooked again. It was downhill for about a month and I just didn’t know how to address it. We had a conversation about how she wasn’t so sure about our relationship but she really wanted it to work and she love me and I was her bestfriend blah blah. I went to her sisters engagement party and met most of her family, hit it off really well- the day after she tells me she needs a break. She kept saying she didn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship right now- so I’ve laid off. She has made plans with me every weekend since she broke up with me. Just going to ride it out and handle my business for the time being.
My most pertinent question is:
She claims to have been this way her entire life (since she was 15, now 23) constantly cycling through men on a 3 month schedule. Sometimes dragging it on well beyond her harboring any affection (see description of previous “year” together) . I understand that I need to work on codependency issues but I’m wondering if its even worth it to consider anything in the future with her. Is she stuck in these 3 month rollercoaster cycles where she loves/hates and goes hot/cold so fast? I understand working on myself but I’m not sticking around in a situation with no solutions.
Most people would say it’s her age, but that really doesn’t matter. I know girls who are in their 30’s that can’t seem to find a guy to commit to – until they meet an amazing guy. So my advice to you is to simply not take her too seriously until she starts taking you seriously. Instead of trying to win her over or anything, just do your own thing. Try to be the most attractive man as you can possibly be. Get in the gym, eat healthy, grow as a person, enjoy yourself and so on. I’ve seen Borderline women become completely normal/stable due to meeting and wanting a guy that she wasn’t willing to lose.
As someone struggling with the decision after 5 years on and off, I was open-minded and reading this page, up to this point, without passing judgement on anyone’s opinion. Because I have done some reading, and agree that it is a disorder rather than a lifestyle-choice to be BPD, I simply cannot get past this following statement Rick made:
“I’ve seen Borderline women become completely normal/stable due to meeting and wanting a guy that she wasn’t willing to lose.”
Let’s pretend that is possible, that meeting the right person can be the “cure” that a BPD sufferer needs. How on earth does any sufferer (on either side of the relationship) know if they’ve found “the right one”?
To my experienced ears, i read your claim roughly the same as saying “if you can’t cure mental illness with your physical proximity, then find another partner”.
I know that’s not the only “position” or opinion or guidance you share here, and I don’t doubt that your intentions are good – but statements like that would likely tend to obfuscate more than clarify a given person’s struggle, in my opinion.
It means literally what I said: if a woman doesn’t find you highly desirable, then she will create chaos so you leave. The solution, as I always teach, is to be someone that your girl won’t want to lose. Apparantly, this is just WAY too much to ask forthese days because men are incredibly lazy and beta, so it’s no surprise that women seem to be much more “BPD” these days.
Anywho, you really need to check out my Relationship Academy so you can learn how to actually be a great man that “borderline” women behave around.
Thanks for writing in, I appreciate your comment. We agree on a lot of things, mainly that they aren’t being crazy – they’re simply different. I created this website and my courses to help people understand Borderlines, how to be in relationships with them, how to handle their behavior and so on. It’s important to understand that, personality disorder or not, it takes two people to have a successful relationship. Throwing blame on the Borderline is not helpful, which is what most people do.
Rick, clearly you need more help yourself. Your website if doing more harm then good to both bpd and their spouses and families. You have NO idea what you are talking about. You are not a mental health professional and the lies you are spreading are causing a lot of harm. You should take this phony website down.
What sort of evidence do you have that I’m “doing more harm then good to both bpd and their spouses and families.” Oh that’s right – you have none. Zero.
Meanwhile, I have over one thousand testimonials from people who I’ve helped. I get at least 1 or 2 “thank you” emails every single day. There are currently 2,286 comments on my website and I would say at least half of them are people who are grateful for the content I provide.
Your reply clearly indicates you are BPD. I didn’t want to justify my response to you but need to spread the word that you are a phony. And anyone who buys into your garbage clearly needs help themselves.
My friend with BPD got very angry with me because I wouldn’t move in with her. She’s deactivated her facebook. I still have her phone number, but haven’t texted, as I am giving her space, since she said she was done with me.
Her son’s birthday is Tuesday and she has a job interview this week.
It’ll be almost a week since we’ve spoken, and my instinct is to tell her I wish her son a happy birthday, to wish her luck, and to tell her how sorry I am for hurting her.
Is this wrong?
She I just wait it out and let her come to me?
I just don’t want her to think I don’t care about her and her son.
She’s manipulating you and making you feel guilty. She expects you to reach out and say these very things. Therefore, as much as it sucks, you need to just leave her and her son alone. Eventually she’ll reach out to you and you can go from there. This is one of those crucial parts of the game. She needs to feel like you’re serious about moving on. Once she misses you, she will reach out.
I have been reading these comments
I met a younger woman, about 21 when I was around 35. We became best friends online until we finally started dating when she was 22 and I 36. She had never dated really and I was her first real relationship. She broke up with me about a year into it because I would lose my temper with her…that is a part of the issue. She dated another guy and it hurt terribly but she came back to me a few months later. About a year later we got engaged.
We moved into an apartment and a trigger moment occurred when her father lambasted her for living in sin with me before the marriage. That point changed her and she started going off, giving me no idea where she was that weekend. I would lose my temper and yelled, saying a few choice words–the worst thing I could have done. She despite living together she broke up with me again. One day I came home and a man was on my bed, half dressed….she made him dinner. When I came home to find this she “”reminded me”” she had broken up with me even though we clearly lived together. That was hard…and even though we patched things together I never fully trusted her.
Towards thanksgiving last year we started to fall back in love, and I overheard her mother that she loved me. One evening as her parents/fam were coming up she got all dressed up, perfume and left …saying she was going to hang with a female friend having a rough day…I was skeptical but she said she would be back soon.
Four hours later she came home and I lost my shit again…calling her a “c” which I also regret but I was really angry that I was trying to clean up the place for her, so her dad would not give her a hard time. Turns out, he wasnt coming to thanksgiving afterall…and I realized she was hurting deeply…the abusive father who wasnt coming still hurt her.
I lost my job not long before. After that fight, she told me she wanted to get her own apartment because she worried about stability and my temper… yet she tricked me into leaving early. Soon she texted saying she needed rent money and so began a long year (this past year) of her telling me she needed help with money.
I was okay helping her somewhat until I realized she was dating again…this crushed me. Now, she has been dating a guy since September and Im in a living hell…I still help her with money…friends think Im nuts and being manipulted…but I do have reason to think she does struggle with her job. I also reason that if her boyfriend isnt helping her or cant that cant be good overall. If he knowingly takes money from a single dad trying to save for a house and run a business that is really messed up and I question his morality. And if she has not told him…she is being deceptive and misleading us both.
I wrote her an email cutting her off but deep down I know money is tight.
I dont know if i should show toughlove and let her wake up and figure things out for herself…or be that rock for her in the long run.
Know that I love her beyond words because I know the woman she is, beyond BPD….but I dont know what to do, or how to win her back. I went to therapy for myu temper…and I should also note that I had lost my house, time with my kids etc and was diagnosed with PTSD…but Ive largely been helped. Still…as I proceed with life, business and buying a house…I feel so empty missing her.
I need help.
You need to get out of this “winning her back” mentality. Instead, she needs to win YOU back. This puts you in the “alpha” role that you’re supposed to be in as the man. And if she doesn’t want you back? Then good riddance. Move on, improve yourself, and find a woman who WANTS to be with you.
Rick please help. My BF and I broke up a month ago when he moved out due to depression. Two days later he texted me he was diagnosed w BPD and felt ashamed and like a failure. He said he wanted to be alone and was a terrible BF to me (he was never the attacker or yelled, more like feeling down all the time). He hasn’t texted me in a week. Im focusing on me and not reaching out. My question is can I get him back with your program???
My program isn’t about getting a lover back — it’s about making you the best person you can be. If you do this, then hopefully your partner will see that and come back to you. It’s the ONLY way to actually get an ex back. Anyone who says otherwise is LYING. That’s why the people who go through my Relationship Academy often times end up with their ex again without even doing anything! Lol. Call it the “do nothing” method, but it shows how powerful adopting new mindsets can be :)
Hoping for a little insight/advice. I kind of have difficulty finding people I’m truly attracted to due to the fact that I never want to settle for someone who isn’t perfect for me and vise versa. So, finding my (now ex) bf was pretty awesome. He was this exceptionally kind hearted, mature, intelligent, sensitive, and understanding guy that had the same strong morals as I do and loved me as deeply as I loved him. We had a wonderful, very stable relationship for 3 years and were both very happy.
This last spring a coworker falsely accused him of something terrible that ultimately had to be investigated. It was quickly found to be untrue and his boss apologized for the inconvenience he had to go through, but he quit anyway. A career he loved and spent years of schooling to obtain. They begged for him to come back, but he decided he no longer wanted to work in that field, especially since, as rumors spread, coworkers that he considered his friends treated him as though they were true…until they were resolved of course.
Essentially, he went through a very depressed stage. He felt he couldn’t show his face in public because everyone now thought bad things about him. Then one day, he broke up with me. He said as things were, he planned to marry me. That I was better to him than he deserved, but his whole life was turn upside down and he said it appears he probably has BPD and doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship ever. He said it was best for both of us and he moved away.
I tried to change his mind for months. He kept telling me he loved me, and was trying to protect me. He eventually resorted to telling me how many people he’d slept with since we broke up in an attempt to get me to hate him. He got very mean with me for the first time since I’d known him. He doesn’t want to cut me out of his life completely, but he doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him so much and I don’t want to give up on him, but out of nowhere he now wants to be selfish and isn’t sure being a good person is right anymore. I hate to lose him and I hate to give up on him, but regardless of how much he says he loves me, he doesn’t want to be with me. He’s seeing a therapist and that gives me hope, but continuing to care for him and just have any form of contact with him at all is tearing me apart. Is the man I love gone for good, or do I need to force myself to move on? I worry about him constantly…please help if you can.
He’s just saying he’s slept with a lot of people to piss you off. He’s probably got a new girlfriend actually. Only thing you can do is to cut off contact with him and find a new man to date. There are better men out there, you must understand this. Your ex simply isn’t as great as you think he is…
MY BPD wife of 12 years abandoned me, our 4 young children, and her long held Catholic\Christian Faith for an affair partner. Our divorce becomes final 3/08/17 and I want to change in such a way as to win her back. I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, pray all of the time, and read relationship material constantly, and I don’t react at all to the cruelest things that she does to me and our children, but this is the first site I’ve found that actually offers to specifically help those trying to win the heart of a BPD. I bought the blueprint. Any other help you can provide to me is greatly appreciated, not just for me, but for our kids, and even for her sake. Thank you Rick!
Bro the best thing you can do is to NOT pursue her. Drop that “win her back” mindset as she’ll just smell the desperation on you and push you away. This is why “nice guys” finish last, so don’t fall into that same routine that all these chumps do.
The reality is that a woman will always want the BEST man available to her. So, if you’re married to a woman for 20 years and then some amazing, awesome man comes into her life, she’ll drop you in a HEART BEAT to be with him. That’s just the reality these days. Not all women are like this, but a LOT are. Therefore, it’s important that your woman believes that you’re the BEST she’ll ever get.
It’s a little over a year later from my original comment above and she’s still with the same affair partner guy. Something that confuses me is that she acts really masculine (lesbianish), and the other guy is effeminate. It’s bizarre. He was sexually abused as a yond child and then in his early years, sexually abused his male cousin. He’s as screwed up as she is, but I know to work on me and not focus on them. She joined a BDSM club and I think they have an open relationship with other sexual patners. She punched me in the face in front of my young children and several several witnesses many times at kid swap last July. I put my hands behind my back as she hit me, and told her to get ahold of herself. Immediately after she stopped hitting me, I took my kids back from her car and told her that she couldn’t have them with her mind the way it is and then I immediately had her arrested. It was the only way I knew to stand my ground without sinking to hitting her back. It was emasculating to let a woman beat me up, but I think it would have been worse for me to hit her back. Through neglect she ruined the engines in 2 of our vehicles and just last week she totaled another of our vehicles, and then her boyfriend just bought her a car. If I stand my ground and enforce boundaries, like having her arrested and like not continuing to buy her vehicles to destroy, won’t she see boyfriend as a better deal? If I buy her vehicles, and allow her to beat me doesn’t that make me an unattactive doormat? I know she finds me physically attractive because I see her eyes wander as she checks me out. I’m built much better than her boyfriend, and by her own admission on at least 2 occassions I am more endowed than he is. She has rejected Christianity altogether and so has her boyfriend, but I have become extremely strong in my faith in the past 2 years during which she has been gone. I don’t get all preachy with her, but my kids told her that I pray all of the time and she knows my routine involves going to Mass every day. I barely talk to her, and when I do talk to her it’s all business about the logistics of kids, or vehicles, or a real business need. I haven’t said I love you in over a year and half of the 2 years that she has been gone, and I don’t beg her to come back or talk about the relationship. She might sense that I pursue her, but I do what I can to not appear that way. I don’t want to be hateful because I’m afraid she will see what she has done as too bad to forgive. What are your thoughts Rick?
-I’m no snowflake, so thanks for shooting straight.
You’re wasting your time with this dumb bitch. Why would you want to be with someone who’s physically abusive and ruins cars? In my opinion, you’re the idiot here. Go find yourself a girl who has her head on straight. C’mon man…
Thank you for sharing. I leave these comment sections open for people to have a place to let out their thoughts, vent, whatever (as long as it’s not toxi). That’s why they’re here :)
This was so helpful. This just happened to me.
It’s easy. Use NLP, no one has defenses for NLP. I did it with my BLP girl and worked everytime until I got bored and kicked her to the curb. I am a NPD
Hi, I recently ended a relationship 4 months ago with an ex-gf (dated for a year, friends for 10+) that i think may have BPD. I also think i may have some codependent qualities in the sense that i’m affected by what others think of me and always want to make things right.
I know i let her get away with too much in the beginning of the relationship, hoping that it was something that would pass and fix itself. However, i soon noticed it would not fix itself and began to start setting boundaries on what i would tolerate from her. i eventually got her into couples therapy but the therapist suggested 1 on 1 counseling for her and she stopped attending after the first solo appointment when he called her on her hyper-sensitivity. We went another few months before she got drunk and verbally abused me and I had her go back to another therapist (still constant fighting before this big blowout fight). At that therapist, she never addressed her relationship issues with her family, friends and myself and just vented about work even though i would remind her that she went back because she was abusing alcohol and being verbally abusive to me. She told me i had no right to dictate what she talked to her therapist about even though she said he would give her the same advice i did about work.
Eventually she crossed a line again and assaulted me and even made threats against my brother’s marriage by threatening to bring up old skeletons that she had nothing to do with. I had to break up with her, and I did. She begged for me to come back saying that she would go back to therapy once we moved to our new city (this happened right before we were supposed to move across country; we had job offers lined up and were both in contract to buy our own homes since when we were trying to buy together she used it to threaten me and even said if we broke up she would make things messy with the house) and that she would stop drinking.
I didn’t cave in the 4 months since our breakup and us both being in this new city. About 3 weeks ago i saw her at music festival with another guy holdings hands. i know she originally bought the tickets for her and I to go for my birthday. I also know that she never stopped drinking since the breakup since her friends posted pictures on social media of them out getting drinks within days of our breakup. I also know that she told me if she ever had problems in her prior relationships that she would go out to drink and get attention from men to distract herself. so it seems like she is repeating her same cycle.
I guess she just had me convinced that i was special enough for her to change and work on herself but i see from her actions after our relationship that it was not true. i can’t help but want to reach out to her and see if she would want to work it out and go to therapy and stop drinking. I also know my role in our breakup; i wasn’t patient and would get frustrated. I couldn’t keep my cool like you mention in some of your articles. I do feel like i was very patient but in the end i didn’t really understand her like you mention in this article.
I guess my situation is just different from examples i have read here in that i ended the relationship and she has said she wants me back. She respects me but just can’t seem to bring herself to face her demons. I’m just battling with the fact that I know she hasn’t done anything to work on her issues since the relationship ended but i’m still stuck in the mindset that i can help her if i try hard enough.
What are your thoughts on my situation? Does it stand a chance if i continue to hold her accountable but remain calmer than I have in the past or is this something that i just need to take as a learning experience and move on? I feel like i have even remained calm in the past because i remember i would just try to speak calmly and hold her hand and show her that even though she’s mad that i still love her and wouldn’t get mad but eventually the constant conflict and neediness wore me down and i lost patience. I used to imagine what our kids would look like and i’ve always cared for her even before we dated so this is a hard one for me to let go. any insight would be appreciated.
She’s a low class woman. Just let her go and find someone new. Actions are all that matter, words don’t mean anything. Her actions is that she’s holding hands and probably fucking a new man. So, she’s a low class jackass for playing these games with you. Forget about her. She is a shitty person and the alcohol won’t end. I know a woman just like this and she sucks. I’m glad that I dumped her azz lol
So, I started dating this guy 3 months ago and everything going great (at least I though). I’m working hard on improving my ability to communicate my feelings and he knows that. I hadn’t really planned to “date” him but he expressed that he felt and emotional connection and did want to and by then I wanted it too. So I did fall for him very quickly, at least in comparison to my other relationships. I see a real future with this guy and he assures me he sees it too. Then, last week he goes out of town, to another state for a wedding. He ignores me the whole time he’s gonna, which is about five days. So on Monday he’s back in town he lets me know he’s still alive. Tuesday he talks to me normally all day and then I ask if he wants to meet up next week and he says he wanted to talk about that and if we could do it later. At this point I know he’s going to dump me and I ask him not to call. He tells me he talked to his friends about “where he’s at in his life” and thinks we should stop seeing each other. He says we don’t talk or see each other as much as he’d like to, he doesn’t really seem to have an emotional response this whole time. At this point I’m confused and hurt and we stop texting. The next day when I feel more clear headed I text him that it seems like a small problem that we’re capable of fixing and get no response. Regrettably, Wednesday night I drunk text him (nothing mean, just expressing that I was sad) and get no response. Friday night I find out he dumped me for a girl who he was with on his trip. I felt worse when I didn’t know that, but I still do want him back. I honestly feel like he was the most ideal partner. I think he might be manic right now from things he’s been posting online, but I don’t know that I know enough about bpd to know if he’s making these decisions because of that. I don’t want to get over him, I really just want him back. But I think need to get over him. Any advice?
Well, he was seeing someone else while seeing you. If you guys were exclusive, then that’s wrong of him. However, if you never established that exclusivity, then it’s perfectly okay for him to be seeing multiple women and deciding which one is best for him. It looks like that’s what he did. Women do this as well. It’s actually very normal behavior. The key is to just not get so attached so quickly.
Even if you have a ton in common, the chemistry is great, you guys are firing on all cylinders, it’s important to get yourself into the present moment and realize that relationships grow one day at a time. Anything can happen tomorrow, you never know. This correct mentality will help you not be thinking about your future together so often, thus getting you irrationally attached. Hope this helps!
Recently my BPD boyfriend broke up with me. He is finding it difficult to explain why but from what he has said I think it’s because of the communication barriers and he doesnt feel that it is fair to be in a relationship with me because of that. He suffers from intense lows and is very self loathing. He is currently seeking help for this and I know that he does want to get better. We have decided to remain friends and havent ruled out the possibility of trying again if he does ever feel like he can be in a relationship again. He is a very closed off person and doesnt talk to anyone about this apart from me, and now hopefully his therapist if he continues to go. What is the best way to help him through this? I dont want to be too forceful and push him away but i also dont want to leave him to it and feel as though he doesnt have my support either.
You can’t save people, so you just gotta let him go. There’s probably more to the story that he isn’t telling you (hint: another woman), but just don’t even bother asking him about that because he won’t ever tell you if it’s true. You can’t chase people into loving you — they have to come to you on their own time.
you have literally saved my mind and thoughts here with what I have read :)
I have been looking over the internet to find something that could put my mind at peace.
I have as of a couple of days ago broke up with my ex-BPD and I miss her so much, I know it mentions to give her space and she has said it, but I done a couple of regrettable calls while intoxicated and I don’t know if its messed up my chance, I haven’t been at the right frame of mind because I haven’t been told a straight up answer if she does definitely want me to be in her future.
all this negativity I have been writing while people have said “they only say that they only want you in the future, marry you and have kids with you as they are manipulators and are scared of the ones who care being out of their life completely” but my only point is do all BPD suffer object permanence where it takes them a short period of time to get over you and not even think about being with you? as I am concerned that I can do all the forgiving in the world, my anger could get the better of me and in a future argument, I completely loss the plot and throw horrible stuff in her face.
I don’t want to be typing all over the internet for help but I could do with some general reassurance from her as she said “none of this was my fault” “I want you to think about yourself” “give me space and let me get on with life at the moment” and if i’m honest if it weren’t for the fact she has me on social media and what she has said to other people, I generally wouldn’t be digging myself a hole where I have to keep waiting for her until she feels she is better or she has got over us and doesn’t want anything to do with me.
then again i’m concerned by the last time I saw her when she broke up, she asked me would I be a friend for her in the future long run if that’s what we need to do to get ourselves back on track and out of spite and anger I said no, and I probably crushed her but she doesn’t want me to speak to her at all
what would you recommend I do to keep faith in me?
or should I just not bother anymore, cut all ties with her and let her get on with her life without a chance of us getting back together?
Like I have faith in relationships working with BPDs as like you have said, they are people like us and they deserve the respect, but being left in the dark for so long and then for me to come back in months time, I generally cant move on from this sort of situation until my mind has been put at rest and I know what it holds.
I hope you reply because id be in need of some good feedback on this situation and not all negative where it puts my mind in a worse place.
Bro I lay out what to do in the article, lol. You can’t force an ex to get back with you. If she wanted to take you back, she would! So, you need to think from that perspective. Start thinking about WHY she left you and start working to fix that. You can’t fix this overnight obviously, so begging and pleading to get back together right after breaking up makes no sense, and it’s why guys are never able to get the ex back when they do that.
Rick H. says
Recently decided to say enough is enough with my ex-wife we were married twice divorced twice the first time for 3 years and we were only divorced officially for 35 days before we got married the second time and it lasted not quite a year. After reading some of these other sites only recently I’ve been able to recognize a lot of behaviors in my ex-wife that were ear makers for bpd and when it came to daddy issues she was certainly not in short supply there. I’ve seen this woman use people, manipulate virtually everyone she come into contact with, cheat on me, lie, and blame me for it all in the process. I found myself often making excuses for her or defending her to family, and there’s so much more it’s indescribable but to my point. I came across your wesite by accident really bit it’s the first time I’ve come across someone who recognizes it’s not all them i knew lying or defending my ex was enabling her in doing what she was doing and i had a good part in creating the problem by doingso and i for the life of me i couldn’t understand why i would do it or what i was thinking i would solve by doing it other then making myself her doormat but it’s become clear to me i had to cut the cord and let her go for my own sanity but i still can’t help but wonder if we could work things out but I’m not holding my breath. I guess realistically i just hoping maybe one day she’ll realize what we had was good but things would have to be different I’m not jumping into a new relationship i plan to spend some time getting myself together. She of course had informed me that i was a cheating bastard anyway and for Batum followed by this text message: I Think It’s time for me to move on anyway, all you’ve done is caused pain And problems for my children and me. You don’t appreciate a good woman, you want crack whores who can’t better you. Today I’m giving in to someone else. I deserve to be happy and drama free, you can’t let go of **** and she will always be in the middle of any relationship you have.
Now i feel as though this was her attempt to manipulate me and get a response or get me to chase after her because i haven’t spoken with the woman she’s talking about in 3 and a half years but we live in the same town as my old ex and she will run into her at the local gas station where she works and i think she let’s her mind take running into her as some kind of threat to her but i don’t know i get tired of being accused of doing things I’m not doing or being put down all the time and being made out to be the bad guy. I still care about her but i reached my point where enough was enough. I realize i was part of the problem but in the end i guess i just wonder if she’ll ever stop to think about the damaged she caused or whether it will matter to her. I wonder if ignoring her for now and focusing on myself for the time being is best. I love her but i refuse to be the doormat anymore.
Thanks for listening and i could use your insight.
Whenever you get irrational text messages like that, just ignore. Don’t even respond at all. It will drive her crazy that you’re not giving her the drama and the chaos that she expects. This is what “crazy” people do: they live for drama. So, they send stupid text messages that are full of lies and BS, no where near the truth, just to get you to react and argue. So, just ignore and don’t respond to her. Ignore her ass for a week or two.
Exception: if you don’t really care and you’re ready to leave the relationship anyway, feel free to respond and put her in her place. I’ve done this plenty of times where I’m comfortable with dumping the girl, so I’ll just respond back and body slam her over text, telling her how ridiculous she is and how her life is a complete failure due to her drama and chaos that seems to orbit her. You don’t have to do this, but I personally enjoy it because some of these women have never had a real man put them in their place.
Why the HELL would anyone want a BPD back in their life?!?!
Mine did all the things: physically/emotionally abusive, cheating, dirty, drama filled.
Yes I miss the sex and having someone in my life but NO WAY do I want my BPD ex back. My life is much calmer, much less of a rollercoaster ride, my home is a sanctuary vsca drama zone.
Just saw today my ex was in a new relationship. My first thought was “damn” then I remembered everything, then I laughed at the new guys soon to be life. Good riddance
Yeah I hear ya man. Some people want to give it another shot which is what I can help with. But, I agree that cheating and physical abuse is grounds for a hard next, no contact forever.
I think there’s plenty this author has to say that is true. People with BPD are just human beings, and the label is unhelpful if it prevents you from thinking they can’t change. And a lot of times BPD folks don’t feel understood and often struggle with abandonment issues, and they deserve compassion.
Often times those with BPD find narcissistic or codependent partners. Advising a codependent to seek to adjust their mindset is dangerous, bc they have a proclivity to martyrdom and self destruction bcc they’re desperate to be loved. If they’re a narcissist, advising them to get the BPD person back is actually bad for the person with BPD bc they could endure more narcissistic injury.
Better advise is to use this time to seek therapy and ask “why do I miss someone who treated me badly and had a chaotic relationship?” If you do this, dig into your childhood wounds, learn about how to love yourself more and set better standards, you’ll be able to find healthier relationships. If it’s just the sex, don’t worry, there’s plenty of freaks out there;)
If you and your BPD partner are both equally self motivated to go to therapy and both of you are looking into healthy expressions of love and communication individually, you have a good chance. If not, you can’t change them, you can’t save them, and nothing you can do will ever be enough to heal their childhood wounds and abandonment…they have to confront that themselves. Good luck!!
Okay I mean I literally have said over and over again that you can’t change your partner, you can’t save them, etc. I also teach over and over again that you can’t get an ex back unless they want you back. The best way to make your ex want you back is to be someone they actually want. There’s a reason most of my ex’s continue to slide into my DM’s over and over again — this is because I consistently grow and get better as life goes on. Most people get worse as they age due to piss poor habits.
I find it really amusing how the keyboard warriors that disagree with the truth I teach never actually read my articles, nor have ever had successful relationships with emotional people. There are plenty of people who have healthy relationships with BPD persons. You just never hear about it because (gasp) they’re too busy enjoying their lives :)
I agree that mindset changes on the partner can help. But I dated a BPD woman for 3 years, tried a lot of different strategies, being more active, being more passive etc. Tried it all as far as mindset and tactics.
But what do you do when you have a BPD gf who literally the moment you disagree with them or judge them (active) they go into a violent rage destroying everything in your house. You ask them to leave, they then refuse and threaten to call the cops and say you are raping them. Or when they tell you to give them ‘money’ and you say NO and they break a beer bottle in your face. Or every time you draw boundaries and break up with them, even if it’s just for a couple days of peace, they fuck someone new every 24 hours. Or the fact they triangulate guys 24/7 because of incessant need for male validation, or they pathologically lie to the point where you can look at something and they say it’s not there.
I’ve tried it all man, and I’ve even read your blog a lot. I just don’t see how I can change myself to stop her from being a fucking psycho asshole.
I’ve read all your comments and you’re obsessed with focusing on BPD. That makes no sense and goes against everything I teach. I have ALWAYS taught people to focus on the ACTIONS instead of the disorder. The ACTIONS of your girl says: she is a raging bitch who cheats and destroys things. Why the hell would you lower your self-respect to such a level that you continue trying to make a relationship work with such a toxic woman? C’mon man, what the hell are you doing? Wasting so much time.
Why not find yourself a woman who WANTS to be with you, who won’t argue all the time, who won’t cheat and won’t destroy stuff? Common sense. You have no one to blame but YOURSELF.
So after a 2 year relationship, living together with a girl who fits almost all of the BPD traits that I’ve read about, Im pretty sure I was codependent btw, and passive and needy which ultimately drove her away, she right now just wants to be friends, is it ever a good thing to just be there when she messages and you reply, or its just better to cut her off ? she doesnt know if we will get back together but Im one of the most important men in her life! oh and when I don’t message her for a few days she then texts me asking how I am or commenting or liking posts on facebook!
Just cut her off man. Tell her you’re not interested in friends and if she changes her mind later to give you a call. Then go complete radio silence on her, no contact ever again until she’s asking you back.
Thanks for this website. I am going through a very difficult period with a woman who I strongly suspect has BPD. Many criteria fit. After 19 months we had countless breakups, with me always being the one to “beg her back”. Afterwards she always apologized. I suggested therapy but she didnt feel it was needed. (she is not diagnosed). Things improved for a while -i.e. no breakup for 2-3 months lol – before they completely disintegrated around marriage, kids. I wanted to move forward but was leery. She took it as not being committed. She doesnt seem to see my hesitation is due to concerns about her BPD. Things escalated. After a while of severe arguments I started to finally put my foot down, started pushing back. I was really pissed off with the attacks (not only about family, back to fights over minor things) and told myself I dont want to take this any more. This seems to have triggered an even more intense wave of anger. I admit I didnt go full speed ahead right way, I was busy “fixing” the relationship first before I could feel ready. I realize now:
> I cant fix her issues, it requires a professional
> I took a lot of things personal, when it was not her, but her condition.
> Fighting back doesnt help the relationship- but it helped me regain my sense.
> I was not having the right mindset.
As things are looking as if they are about to end, I am sad but partially relieved. I cant deal with it any more. I lost the view of the person I met. I know she is still there, but barely recognizable. She does have many good features. What a waste, I sometimes think. I dont know what will happen, and could use some input. I recognize a lot in us in these articles. How to move forward? Is there any hope at all in dating a BPD? Will it get better with therapy?
Borderlines aren’t difficult despite what some people think. I have multiple BPD friends and they all have guys that they are crazy about and treat them like Kings. They are always on their best behavior around these guys. You need to ask yourself why that is. When you figure out this answer, you’ll know what it takes to date a Borderline (or any woman for that matter).
Also, all women have BPD to some extent ;)
This blog really hits home with me . I dated a man with BPD on and off for 4 years . He just dissappeared one day with no warning, no reason and no goodbye. I was blind sided by it and it’s been 2 months since that day and I am no better emotionally then i was the day it happened, I just can’t move past it. I didn’t know he had BPD until about 4 months before he ended things after he had a stay in the psych ward of our local hospital.
When I met him it was as if all my dreams came true. He was beautiful, charming, kind ,caring , gentle and made me feel like the most beautiful peefect person alive. I admit I liked it because I haven’t had much luck in the man department and he was a breathe of fresh air. He was so easy to talk to and he listened. I quickly fell in love and found my best friend. We were inseparable for months but as time went on he slowly started showing a side of him that wasn’t pleasant to be around and I found myself walking on eggshells more often then not, but when he was happy and in a good mood it was great so I could look past the bad stuff. and by all means I don’t want to say it was bad because there were a lot of amazing times we shared. But he also started showing me that he leaned towards addiction as well. Fast forward 4 years and it was a rocky emotional relationship from him loving me more then anyone and asking me to please stay and not give up on him to him hating my very existence , telling me he never loved me and that i wasn’t wife material or able to be loved because of the horrible person i am. and making me feel like I imagined there was ever anything between us. It escalated through the years and when I look back , I feel the escalation was because the more he could see himself with me forever , the more he couldn’t quiet his own struggle inside of him unless he ended it with me because like he always told me “love doesn’t last and everyone always leaves” Eventually He went into full blown addiction and began making very poor choices in his life . My story is pretty much worst case scenario and textbook BPD and he is not only BPD but also an addict, bipolar and diagnosed having delusional disorder. I believe the other diagnosis are simply symptoms of the BPD. It’s a very long story but my reason for writing is to say I agree with your post. I made alof if mistakes mostky because I just simply did not know what was wrong with him or how to help him. I knew it all stemmed from his trajic childhood but him and everyone around him said i was wrong and it wasn’t from that. if you knew what happened to him as a child, you would undeniably say it stems from that. He was sexually abused and his family knew but did nothing about it, his mother was a addict instead of a mother who left her children to fend for them selves and his father was too busy with his mother to have time for him . It’s hesrtbresking and I fell into the codependent roll very easily because i wanted to safe him. I made a lot of mistakes and I just want the chance to be in his life again and do everything right this time because I have educated myself and gotten myself help in the process. When he left he changed his number and never looked back. His family says he is fine and cured from a lifetime of problems. I was the problem and not that i am gone he is fine
It sucks that you had to date such a sociopath like this man. They unfortunately exist out there and all they do is cause long-term pain. They are a scourge to society. The worst types of human-beings. All they are good for is short-lived pleasures. That’s it. They will never find happiness in their miserable lives, and they will drag as many women into their misery as possible throughout their life. The sociopathic man is the worst type of human in my opinion. Much worse than the BPD woman.
As a woman, you need to have your head in reality when dating men. If a man feels “perfect” and almost “too good to be true” it’s because he’s a sociopath. That’s the truth.
Normal men do not behave this way, at all. In fact, normal men are often “boring” but they bring long-term happiness.
Hello! My ex boyfriend and I was dating for almost 2 years. We had plans for the future he was talking about getting married and we were in a loving relationship. But after he got a job he became a little uninterested in me. He had issues with his family and himself. He was hearing voices and seeing things when he stressed and I think he has BPD too. The day he broke up he said he loved and hours later he said he lost all his hope and that we couldn’t work things out anymore. He texted me that and turned off his phone so I wouldn’t call him. I freaked out and begged him to meet up. At first he agreed then cancelled and never answered my texts. Then a week later he posted our song on social media. After I saw that I called but he didn’t answer. Then 3 days later he said he was moving but he really didn’t want to and he said he was still thinking about me (with an Instagram story.) I texted him again saying that I’m willing to have a long distance relationship and no respond again. He’s following me on fake insta account and he watches my every move I know that he still loves me. He’s a problematic person but I still want him. I may have become a little needy but he left me with no explanation. What do you think I should do to get him back? I don’t understand him anymore
You can’t really do anything at this point. Just don’t be needy and let him go. Give him all the space he needs. Chasing will only further push him away.
I’m currently going through a break up, I did so many things wrong. I’m currently moving out. She’s not the same person, i have not begged to get her back though. I haven’t fought with her up until last week when I relapsed she was going out and fucking other people. That fucking hurt. I went off on her, then we talked calmly she explained that’s how she deals with her emotional pain.
I know it’s true even though it fucking hurts. I’m dealing with the sweetest person but someone who has deep dark torment under it all.
I know what I have to do on my part and I realized it the moment we broke up.
I’m the healthiest relationship she ever had. I don’t want this to be over. I only ever gave into her tantrums because I didn’t want to be a trigger and now I am regretting not setting boundaries. Rick, I need to fix this. But I don’t want to beg, and I don’t want to go no contact. I’m gonna work on myself, but I feel stagnant.
Dude, she just admitted to you that she “goes out and fucks other people to deal with emotional pain.” In other words, she’s a whore. You shouldn’t treat her as anything more than that. She’s a terrible girlfriend. Take off the blinders and see reality for what it is. You should kick this girl out of your life ASAP because she’ll just ruin you.
I recently had a short but amazing at first relationship with a wonderful woman. I have had 2 relationships in my 40+ years so I was content to be alone. Well along comes this woman and pretty much seduced me. She said all the right things, filled my head with amazing thoughts and of course amazing sex even though I said not yet on first date but she got me. Well it was great for a couple of weeks then I became clingy. She could not handle that so out of the blue just blocked me on everything, no contact. I at the time didnt know why and it drove me insane for 2 weeks. I wrote a letter and had a friend foward it to her and she immediately contacted me. It was mean spirited by her at first because she heard a rumor and went by it, thats why I was blocked. Once she realized it was false we were good, but now she tells me she has BPD, PTSD, BIPOLAR, and thinks we should just be friends. I have already fallen for her or the vision I had of her idk, and had no idea what these disorders were. Well after the ouch friend comment I said I wanted more and we kinda ended on stalemate. Our conversation switched to sex and had phone sex. She had to work but on her way there brought me dinner, gives me a hug and kiss, grabs at my pants sexually, in front of my ex which was odd. She went to work gets home we have great talk and then boom i dont want a relationship out of nowhere. I am confused and say I am going to bed. Next day i wait till noon and text gm. She text back hey, light chit chat, she says shes thinking about a nap so i text do it. I think this really pissed her off, didnt hear from her till next day when I told her I was confused about the night she brought me food with her actions. She replied you can stop texting me now and do not reach me through people. She said forever. What the hell happened? I know i was needy and too nice overly so. She talked about how great sex was that i satisfied her where many couldnt and then boom here I am stunned, not after I blew up and called her all kinds of awful things not knowing what the disorders were. I just researched all night and wished I had before. I sent a final text saying now I understand, have a nice life and sorry for my part. End of story. Scared of the disorders and scared I still feel deeply for her.
You clearly don’t know anything about women, hence why you’ve had only 2 relationships the past 40 years. Now don’t be offended, I’m just giving you the truth. You need to learn how to communicate with women. She was obviously the leader in this relationship, and women who fall into the leadership role quickly lose attraction for the man. So you basically just turned her off really quick. The past doesn’t matter with women, you can be the best sex ever, but if you do something TODAY that turns her off, none of the great things you did in the past will matter, even if you gave her 1,000,000 earth-shattering orgasms. They won’t matter.
Me, 48 female and my borderline male partner split up after 2 years I told him to leave the house for a while, so we can get back on track together. It’s been a month now. He blocked me on all. I call him once in a while and he tells me, he loves me, but he wants to stay alone. He is sex addicted and very jealous. This were our problems why we split. How do I get him back? I am fully aware of borderline and know, what difficulties it means. I have read about codependency, yes. Nevertheless I wish to be together and have our relationship and marriage back.
Grateful for any advice
Well like you said he is a sex-addict. So when you kicked him out, he decided he’ll just go sleep with new women. As a result, he probably met a new woman that he’s currently having fun with. Nothing you can do about that other than wait. But, what kind of person sits around and waits for a sex-addict to come back? That’s a low quality way of thinking. I highly recommend you move on because he’s going to come with after sleeping with another 5 women or so and may have picked up some STD’s along the way. Gross.
Together for 5 years married the after 9 months. It was the best 5 years of my life. We had our ups and downs but we always were able to talk out our differences and compromise for one another from what I thought we had a very healthy relationship. There were some Strange Behaviors that I saw in the beginning but I just figured out to each their own and this is as bad as it gets and it’s going to be a great life. And one day out of the blue 9 weeks ago she ghosted me. There was no fight there was no argument one minute she was there the next minute she was gone. Block me from Facebook blocked me from her phone got a restraining order based on lies. I appealed the restraining order and made a motion for mandatory psychiatric evaluation and marriage counseling. Then I started learning about her smear campaign and all the things she said about me that were not true. Did a lot of research on BPD past 2 months and it is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read. my previous relationship of 4 when the exact same way love bombing idolizing brief period of devaluation I got her lying and when I called her to the carpet she left. I was still torn up over that relationship when I met my wife 6 months later. My wife left she didn’t want anything even her grandmother’s heirlooms passed away 6 months prior. Her grandmother was her everything she was the only one who was consistently stable in her life. She doesn’t want the personal heirlooms that she left behind for her. She told me to throw them away that’s when I realized that she was not mentally stable. Had to move out of our house she moved in with her ex stepfather who she admitted to me that he told her he had inappropriate feelings towards her. I am hurt beyond belief but I still love her and I still want her back. I want to help her I’m willing to do whatever it takes to do so
This is such a sad story. Sorry you have to go through all this. The best thing you can do is just give her a ton of space. Try not to contact her, don’t go around defending yourself to people unless they confront you on it, don’t contact her family and such. You won’t win that battle. Something triggered her to leave you and my gut tells me that she just slowly got turned off over time. It sucks she didn’t communicate this to you, but it is what it is. She could have been dating a new man behind your back for a long time without you knowing. BPD or not, that’s what usually causes this sudden ghosting “out of the blue.” I know you want her back, but that’s really not an option right now. Focus on yourself, don’t contact her unless she contacts you, and don’t talk to her friends/family
I am dating someone whom I believe has BPD. This is a first for me so I didn’t recognize the early warning signs. For example, within the first few weeks of a beautiful courtship, when I told him that I was attracted to him but didn’t want to be pushed into an intimate relationship before I was ready, he blew up at me via text saying my “accusations” were without merit and I could not produce any evidence of him trying to rush me into anything…that my accusations were “dangerous” and “irresponsible.” I didn’t understand where these statements were coming from because I thought I was sweet when communicating my need for him to be patient. We made it past this episode and proceeded to spoil me over the next few weeks: profuse verbal expressions of love, taking care of me in so many ways I have never experienced before, wanting to move in together, talks of getting engaged and getting married, etc.
The last month he has shown me so many negative/dark sides. For example, if I share important news with anyone before I do so with him, he will get angry and sometimes blow up at me. He is easily triggered to rage if I point out behavior that bothers me or if I say or do anything that bothers him, such as leaving him when he is triggered to anger by me falling out of line in any way. He even has these tantrums in front of his two boys: 11 and 13. He will tell me I am cruel and curse at me if I pull away – comparing me to his ex-wife and the people who abandoned him in the past. Lately he has been speaking to me lewdly and sending me lewd text messages, knowing I am a conservative and such messages make me uncomfortable and turn me off.
A few days ago I texted him that if he insists of speaking to me like a prostitute, I prefer to move on. He said he is who is and I shouldn’t be with him if I don’t want to. He also said if I think he is capable of being disrespectful, I don’t know him very well, and that he knows he is rough and cannot be 100% the person I want him to be. And “I really love you.” I haven’t responded because I feel I need to establish boundaries with him. I love him and am attached to him but I am also tired of being disrespected by him. He has also been silent and I’m not sure what to do. I am conflicted. I don’t want him to think it’s acceptable to treat me badly but I also don’t want to lose him. Any advice on how to make things work with him?
Yeah he definitely has BPD lol. You just need to keep stating your boundaries. Don’t give in to him. You MUST establish boundaries and if he ends up leaving you because of it, so be it. Be happy that you dodged a bullet. You should NOT be with someone that disrespects you. Borderline’s can learn to respect, but you have to have really strong boundaries and not waver. You’ll filter out the weak ones, but the strong will change for you. You must accept that you might lose him. If you won’t accept that, then the relationship is dead on arrival.
Thanks for your material!
I’ve just been left from my BPD ex on some crazy rollercoaster experience – no cheating not that crazy abuse, just mood swings and the kind of love and hate thing. By reading your article I’ve realized that I’ve probably let go of my cool masculinity part since I was kinda scared of loosing her and didnt set boundaries – I’m working on my self now as you mention!
Before the break up we had 3 days of great times like it was back to the love bomb phase, she would tell me I feel like family, I’m special etc etc – Her mood changed and we had a small fight – she said she didn’t love me no more. After two days she texted me a long message saying she missed me and wanted to chat, that shes sorry she cant cope with the love I’m giving her even if thats all she ever wanted… she said she realizes that her mood swings are too influential and for the best of us she wants me to take distance. then she finished the text again saying she missed me (she started therapy couple of months ago – and I figured out she had this condition only 3/4 through the relationship, yet I always knew she didnt have stable friendships) … I replied saying I understand her condition and love her. She never replied. It’s been 15 days now and I’m wondering whether I should text to say I’m still here for her or just wait for her to hoover back. In the meantime, I’m working on myself so if does comeback I’ll be ready to face it. Would be great to hear what you think – just wanna her back in mylife and hope this is achieveable!
Women like this will test you like crazy to make sure you’re the real deal. The second you reveal your beta nature is the day the relationship starts heading downhill. You have to be a total alpha male to date these types of women. You have to have a real attitude that you dont care if she stays or goes. This is just how it is because mystery is the key
2 years ago I met the love of my life…6 days ago she told me she didn’t want to ever be without me…5 days ago I came home to all of my things packed and a letter telling me goodbye.
I have been struggling putting my life together and I haven’t been the supportive financial partner I wish I could have been. When we first met I was having health issues that I kept putting off until she convinced me to go see a specialist, I found out that I had been living with a broken back and a spinal lumbar fusion was the only thing that was going to keep me from becoming wheelchair bound. Things have been tough in the past year but I kept trying to pick up the pieces. The first job I took didn’t work out as I had hoped and with her blessing I left to find something else. 2 weeks after, I found a great job at a great place but the damage was done. I lacked as a support for her when I was trying to get back on my feet. She seemed so proud of me for getting back up and not giving up. Truth be told, I was told to not work for a year after the surgery and I was back only 5 months after.
I am truly grateful for her and I really thought I was showing her that I was ready to stand tall. I wasn’t. All the things she has done for me out of “love” we’re all thrown in my face like a toxic bomb. I am very aware that I have my faults and take ownership but there are things that have happened that have been out of my control. I love this woman and have been forced to be without her. I know I must improved myself to make things work, but I’m afraid of losing her in the process
If she actually cared for you, then money wouldn’t matter. This is the big lie that men tell themselves: that women are only interested in money. Well, if she is, then she’s a bad partner. Don’t date women like that. You need to date women that don’t care about money. Preferably find a woman who can take care of herself so you know she isn’t dating you for support.
Hi, I wouldn’t mind a bit of advice
A few months ago a new girl started in work and we hit it off, she seemed to like me and eventually admitted her feelings to me in text, we went out a few times during which disclosed her bpd to me, i’m about 7 years older than her and kept looking out for her, texting when she was down, being supportive etc There was a lot of texting, flirty, friendly, supportive etc..
From the outset our relationship was casual and non-exclusive this she and i wanted, and also told me I was her favorite person, but it has caused trouble in work as there was an incident at a night out with another colleague where she thought I manhandled my longstanding colleague which i didn’t do but now I feel ostracised in work with a damaged reputation, the pwbpd that i briefly went out with got with another guy but is my only friend in there and every now and then looks and smiles at me
What is this ? I don’t understand does she still like me ? Even though we txt as friends now but don’t go out although she said with what happened won’t go out for a few weeks.
I’m confused, and frankly fearful of going near any of the girls in work now
I think you should go with your gut. If you feel that you shouldn’t be going near the women at work, you probably shouldn’t. Just listen to your gut, it’s your second brain after all…
I was having an affair with a BPD man for 3 years. He and his wife were basically just room mates and I had plans to leave my husband. Long story short he couldn’t keep a job and we were on an emotional
Roller coaster 24/7. When things were good they were great.. when they were bad they were bad. I didn’t leave my husband and he started talking to another girl. Even though I tried to show support for his happiness he ended up totally cutting me off. Beyond the physical attraction that started later in the relationship my best friend of 4 years just cut me off. I’m having such a hard time understanding this and letting it go. I keep asking myself does he think of me? Does he miss me? How can you not. We were each other’s best friend and biggest support for 4 years. Heartbroken.