If you want to know why BPD or Bipolar relationships fail, then you’ll want to read this article.
1) BPD is a personality disorder and Bipolar is a mood disorder. Very important difference!
2) Your mentality influence your beliefs which then influence your actions. Having bad, negative mindsets will create instability and eventually relationship failure.
3) Society has rapidly changed over the last 10 years. In this day and age, it isn’t uncommon to meet and date men and women with BPD-like symptoms.
4) Learning what NOT to do is just as important as learning “tips” and “techniques.”
5) Drop the “Savior Mentality.” You’re not the Hero. As I’ve been saying for years, the hero gets ZERO.
6) Developing strong emotional control is key to surviving in these types of relationships.
First things first: BPD is a cluster B personality disorder. Bipolar is different in that it is a mood disorder.
Chances are you ended up on my site because you’re wondering why bipolar relationships fail. Or, you’re dating someone with BPD and you’re curious if your relationship could ever become stable.
BPD is different from someone who has bipolar. However, there is always the possibility that your partner has both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. This might make it feel as if you’re hopeless and you should just “run away and never look back.”
However, changing your mindsets to the ones that I teach will lead you to a better relationship. This is my philosophy after all.
Am I saying that your BPD or Bipolar relationship will do a 180 and be healthy for the foreseeable future? Of course not. Anyone saying otherwise is lying to you.
However, I strongly believe that attaining complete control over your mental and emotional state gives you the best shot at making your relationship better.
I never said your relationship will be smooth sailing and “perfect!”
Do note that I have dated several women with BPD over the years. My current girlfriend of over a year has BPD and we have managed to make it work. My experience definitely helps with this because I’ve been through a lot of bad relationships in my past.
Hear me out: the best “change” I have made over the years is getting my mentality right. Killing my neediness and getting my codependency under control.
Remember that perfection does not exist. So, let’s focus on achieving an imperfect life that still helps you and your partner enjoy each other and moving the relationship towards the positive.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
Understand: I’m really a Mindset “coach” meaning the things I teach start with the mind: your beliefs, your core values, your emotional state and so on. Healthy relationships are a biproduct of your thoughts and beliefs. What you believe influences your actions.
Better Mindsets = Better BPD Relationships
You can’t experience loving, fulfilling BPD/Bipolar relationships without a healthy state of mind. Hence, arming yourself with the best mindsets will give you control over your mind.
You will lower your stress levels, you will feel happier and you’ll have more confidence. You’ll develop a better sense of power and direction.
If you attained all these things, do you think your relationships would improve?
You bet your ass it would. I would like to guess that everybody would agree with this.
And, if you happen to have BPD yourself, you can make great strides in your own life by following my advice. This I promise you.
Society Has Changed In Big Ways
The world today is much different than it was 10 years ago or so. Your environment and life experiences determine your mental and emotional state.
Cluster B personality types, which includes BPD, are more common than ever. I blame social media and bad parenting, along with many other factors that influence your personality, habits, attitude and behavior.
One of the reasons why bipolar relationships fail quite often is because we have a society where everyone is trying to be someone that they’re not. Parents are more insecure than ever. Most people focus on a future self instead of who they are right now in the present moment.
Cases of BPD are at an all-time high because most people have no drive, they’re lost, no ambition, addicted to social media and physical appearance, etc.
Everyone is trying to be perfect. But, perfection is a myth. Nobody accepts who they are anymore. This leads to mental stress and emotional imbalance.
This is the struggle of not only Borderlines, but almost all men and women. Most people are never satisfied with themselves in the present.
Wonder why meditation is more popular than ever? Because of everything I just said above. However, this new study proves that meditation doesn’t make people happier.
As I’ve been saying for years, the only thing that makes people happy and stress-free is an independent mindset, one that puts yourself first.
You must become a leader of your own life.
No amount of love or intimacy will change your level of happiness.
It’s impossible to be strong and centered when your mind isn’t focused on the present. This makes dating someone with BPD an impossible task.
Therefore, you must forget about the awesome Honeymoon Period you had. Also, forget about all the potential you think your partner has.
This is because the only thing that matters is what’s going on right now at this moment in your BPD or Bipolar relationship.
Correcting Your Mindsets Will Prevent Common Mistakes
Do you know what happens when you’re thinking about past or future events?
You lose focus of the present moment with your partner. Consequently, this causes anxiety issues. Anxiety leads to mistakes and needy behavior. You behave like a codependent individual.
A BPD relationship is already chaotic enough as it is. Do you want to add to that chaos?
I would hope not. This is why it’s vital that you work on your inner core every single day. Study the mindsets that I teach and you’ll see where you make mistakes.
As you develop inner awareness, you will begin to correct common mistakes.
So, let’s jump to the 5 signs that I deem most noteworthy.
1. Learn What Turns Your Partner Off
Did you know that you attract what you project? It’s true.
Studies have proven over and over again that we’re attracted to individuals who “vibe” with us. We’re drawn to people with similar beliefs, values, upbringing and so on. Opposites attract is a myth (which is another truth I’ve been teaching for years).
It’s why BPD relationships tend to have a Honeymoon Period. You connect on a strong emotional level. You can’t get enough of each other.
But, these intense feelings of affection soon fade. As a result, you become eager for more attention. This needy behavior triggers the Borderline’s fear of abandonment.
Ultimately, you have turned her off. Her attraction for you has plummeted. So, you set out on a mission to make things right.
This is the result of bad, needy mindsets. Therefore, you must change the way you think about human attraction. It’s a complete shift in thinking that extends beyond intimate relationships.
You know how you blow off the needy car salesman? Well, that’s how your partner feels about you when you’re trying so hard to make things better.
These bad mindsets are what cause your BPD partner to push you away, give you the cold shoulder, and seek out other partners behind your back. These are habits you need to change.
Give your BPD partner some space. Let him or her miss you for a bit while you do your own thing. If she comes approaching you wanting attention, you’re on the right track.
Too many people make the same, common mistakes in BPD relationships. This ain’t no Disney love story. Stop trying to be her Prince Charming.
2. Are You a White Knight? A Fixer? A Hero?
I know you have a good heart and you’re trying to make your BPD partner as happy as possible.
You want the best for you, your partner and the relationship. You wouldn’t be here if that wasn’t the case, right?
Unfortunately, this good-natured character can cause you to develop this White Knight belief system. You naturally seek out partners who need rescuing. This is not a healthy way to live.
You meet this person who you know can be amazing (your mind is in the future). But, what you have done is fallen in love with their potential.
Most of us have the potential to be great. But, falling in love with someone’s potential is a common reason that makes your bipolar relationship fail over time. You’re not living in reality, in the present moment.
You’re lost in the future instead of accepting your partner as is in the present and addressing the current behavior that you’re experiencing. You can’t be a hero in the present, and this frustrates you.
So, you work hard everyday, convinced that you can make your BPD partner “better.” You want to be the hero! Go you!
You keep telling yourself that you know your partner could be so much better. Life could be so great for him or her.
But, you’re ignoring the present. You’re seeking an end-result that exists in your imaginary future.
When you seek a repeat of the Honeymoon Period, you lose focus on reality. When you try to “fix” your partner’s problems, you lose focus on reality.
Send your Hero mentality to the grave.
Borderline’s (and most women in general) are like cats. They come and go as they please, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Often times in BPD and Bipolar relationships, less is more.
3. Fighting, Arguing and Unnecessary Drama
I don’t like disrespect, insults, or lies as much as the next person.
But, drama in relationships will happen. If you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself pulled into an argument that you can’t win.
Let me make this clear: you will never win in an argument with a Borderline (or any woman, lol).
And, you’ll never find a true alpha male falling into an argument with his girl. He’ll just throw her purse out the door and tell her to go home and cool off (that’s what I do and it works extremely well).
Knowing this fact, why would you engage in hour long arguments that get you nowhere?
People with bad mindsets will sit in bed arguing until 3 in the morning. It’s a complete waste of time and all you’re doing is turning her more and more off.
She subconsciously argues with you because she wants to test if you’re a man. Real men don’t argue — they tell her to get lost. Beta males will also try to not argue, but will do it from a state of weakness.
This is a key difference and it’s why you must be of the alpha type to have any sort of success in BPD relationships. In fact, I know plenty of BPD women who treat their boyfriends like kings because of this truth.
From the wise words of Eckhart Tolle, “You will never find salvation in a relationship.” Stop looking for happiness in your partner. You will never find it.
Which leads us to the next point…
4. Your Emotions Are Out of Control
One of the most important factors in the health of any relationship is how you handle your emotions.
In fact, the rare high-quality man has total control over his emotions. He doesn’t ignore his emotions, but they don’t control him. He is in tune with them.
Most people are actually controlled by their emotions. They are a slave to their own mind. They can’t escape the constant thoughts and feelings.
Do you now see why BPD and bipolar relationships require emotional control? It’s what separates the successful from the unsuccessful. It separates relationship failure from relationship fulfillment. And, this goes beyond your love life.
Make no mistake: positive, healthy, high-quality mindsets give you control over yourself. Absolute control over your emotional and mental state is key.
Mastering your emotions is not easy. It takes time and discipline to develop. But, you can only be your best self when you have mastery over your emotions.
BPD relationships require a healthy state of mind. You will fail over and over again with poor mindsets. You will find yourself chasing your partner, desperate for love. You’ll push her away as a result. She’ll cheat on you behind your back. But, you’ll take her back because you’re lonely.
You must smash these poor, low-quality mindsets! You will never recover your failed bipolar or BPD relationship until you start to think otherwise.
5. BPD Relationships Require Strength and Independence
I always get these emails from guys saying how they’re strong and independent, and this is the first girl that’s ever made them weak.
Well, the fact is that relationships bring out the best and worst of us. This is just the truth.
If you find yourself becoming needy, weak, and insecure in a relationship, you only have yourself to blame. It doesn’t matter how toxic or fucked up your partner is. At the end of the day, you made the choice to stick around and let the abuse stack up.
People who aren’t emotionally strong and independent struggle immensely in these relationships. As you allow more and more abusive behavior to continue, it will only get worse over time.
This is why you need to change your mentality. I’ve watch what happens when my borderline friends meet a guy that they have no control over. It’s truly what these types of women want in a guy.
All the other guys who are easy to manipulate and control get tossed into the friend-zone, they get ghosted, she is “busy” and can’t make time for you, or she cheats on you if you two are married.
I can’t stress how important it is to develop a sense of independence and strength to the point where the BPD partner sees you as the best person in his or her life.
There’s No Such Thing As Guaranteed Success In BPD or Bipolar Relationships
If there’s one thing I can guarantee, it’s this: there are no guarantees.
This is especially true when it comes to BPD and Bipolar relationships. Emotions are so hot and cold with these situations that it’s just impossible to guarantee success.
But, this is the case with all relationships. Nothing is guaranteed in life. The biggest mistake you can make is thinking that your relationship would be any better if your partner was “normal.”
Don’t let this truth get you down. I want you to think differently going forward.
Instead of focusing so much on trying to change your partner, focus on yourself for a bit. Try to get to the point where you’re healthy enough to not care if you become single.
This is a strong mentality and it’s the type that will give you power. Borderlines want you the most when they feel like you will do your own thing regardless. Does this make sense? It’s quite deep.
In other words, when you’re mysterious and unpredictable, your partner will be most into you. This can be a hard reality to accept, but it’s simply the truth.
Borderlines need to chase. They love it. When they are pursued, they push away. That’s what makes them different from other types of people.
This is how BPD attractiveness works. As they say, we want what we can’t have. Bring a little bit of that into your relationship.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
And thank you for reading this far. This is a big article. I really hope you’ve gotten some value out of all this information, and you’re able to apply it to your life and relationships.
As a young man with bipolar disorder, I agree with most of what this article says.
Now this may seem weird coming from a person who suffers from this mental disease himself, but the first piece of advice I would give to anyone considering getting into a relationship with someone with bipolar is DON’T!. It is simply not worth the trouble. Find someone else. It naturally gets much trickier if you’ve already been with that person for a while and grown attached before you get to know about their condition. That is a judgment call you have to make depending on how precious the relationship is to you – and here I might add, many partners cling on in a noble attempt at “white knighting”. It generally DOES NOT pay.
I personally have never told any of my partners about my condition and I never will. Not even if its a long-time relationship – I’m selfish enough to know that despite all the “be honest” exhortations, its the fastest way to kill a budding relationship. I mean to be perfectly candid, I would never consider going out with a girl that had this disease and I certainly wouldn’t date anyone out of sympathy.
Bipolar disorder has led me to wreck some of the most precious relationships in my life. It is incredibly destructive, a veritable acid or cancer to a relationship. My experience is that most bipolar people need to figure out what level of social interaction is optimal for them. They should certainly not become reclusive (that’s one of the worst things to do in such a condition), but don’t bite off more than you can chew. For example, I love kids but I know in my heart that there is little chance I would be a good father, much less a good husband. But I do enjoy the company of friends and I do enjoy dating many women. Anything deeper than that and I know based on past data that all bets will be off. Maybe someday I will manage well enough to be able to take on more depth in relationships but for now I struggle just to cope taking care of my self and not hurting or abusing others. As in many other situations in life, the key is to know yourself, your strengths and your limitations. Just as an arthritis patient would not realistically think about running a marathon, bipolar disease people should be realistic about their chances in life at relationships. Take one step at a time.
Going to have to disagree about not dating these people. It’s good advice for some people, but there ARE people who can date these types of individuals.
If you do want to date someone with a personality disorder (which are very common these days), you’ve got to be THICK-SKINNED — 10 inches of solid steel that is unpenetrable. A lot of what I teach here is helping guys develop this. It takes TIME and DEDICATION to develop thick skin because you have to learn to control your emotions, to not take things personally, and the ability to spot the games/manipulation that comes your way.
What concerns me (as a neuroscientist researching these conditions and a psychotherapist who listens to countless tales from partners)…is effectively all you’re doing here is training victims of emotional abuse to manipulate & disassociate, leading to them mimicking the disorder themselves. BPD & BD account for much of the emotional abuse of children in the home. Advocating relationships that lead to children or keep the disordered partner in the home with them can in some cases be contributing to the abuse.
Okay so by your logic, we should just let these people die out and not exist? Not really sure the point of your relationship. These relationships can easily survive if you actually know how to deal with it. Many issues could be solved if the non simply stopped with the behaviors that lead to further drama.
Why did it take you 6 months to answer to this allopathic, brain washed big pharma drug dealer?
PS – I am living with a woman who I’ve been living with for nearly 10 years. I only found out she has BPD (the very nasty one that doesn’t have mania – her highs are irritation and anger) about a year ago after a stream of unfortunate job losses. Outside the anger, she’s just horribly depressed, physically wasting away to nothing and completely secluded.
I’ve tried to be the ‘fix it’ guy but that’s not working.
I mostly live in this house on my own, we never talk because it never ends up well.
She keeps saying she is leaving, but that never happens. I know she has nowhere to go.
I live with disabling multiple sclerosis and mild depression from being in excruciating neuropathic pain every day of my life, and I could wake up one morning unable to walk. So there’s a co-dependence I guess. But life is fucking miserable. I never ever thought I would end up like this.
I must have been a monster in a previous life.
You can’t ever be a “fix it” guy. That’s a failed mentality that codependent men have. She’s an adult, she doesn’t need a guy to take care of her. Women hate it when guys act this way and it’s why she treats you poorly.
Allen, very helpful words there. Wish they weren’t so true
It’s all spot on. I hope you can grace me with your time. I have few questions regarding my marriage with a BPD husband.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps a lot.
I’ve been in a relationship for about 2 months with this amazing guy who has bipolar, and I’m getting more and more convinced that I might have borderline personality disorder. So now what?
Understand that these people will challenge you in ways that you’ve (probably) never been challenged before. So, you’ll probably feel like the crazy one at times. And, that’s okay. It’s only bad if you become really insecure and start doing crazy shit. So, the key is to just educate on these relationships, which is the whole point of my content.
Richard Simpson says
So if she’s prostituting behind your back since before you met her, is abusing your friends who are girls that represent a “threat”, creates false memories and is attempting suicide because you liked an Instagram photo you should just ignore it and hope she comes back to you? That’s some cuckold shit
Are you actually mentally retarded?
Really like your straightforwardness about this type of relationship . I been w a woman for 2 years we are a same sex relationship.
I was searching via google within the first year at what was going on w my partner. Why she would blame, argue ,call names, hit, threaten and so on.
I finally kept coming into web sites on bpd and when the moment was safe I told her. She had some serious doubts since it was all me that has the problem. But she is now in DBT and working on herself but it is still a constant struggle . I’m constantly having to leave my home because she taunts me w accusations, criticism , and blame when she is in her episodes . Yet it feels like just straight up meanness !! I love her w all of me but I find I need time to recover and to refind my feelings that I feel for her because I get gaurded and resentful . Well just a bit of my story I’m not a saint but I’m definetly not the monster she says I am. I am needing help to keep our lives from going into the trash can.
Im just wondering if I could possibly get some advice from you, I mean I’ve read your posts here about bipolar…
I met this guy and dated for a month (only), everything seemed perfect in beginning of our dates, and till that end it was good, only lasted for a month, he decided to not continue two days before I was with him, we were so happy and I didn’t expect him to have a relationship with another girl two days after we spent the night together.. He says his feelings come and go… :( but prior to that he was so sure I’m the right girl for him… Is it common for bp to leave just like that ? I know it’s only one month but I fell for him.. :/ i feel I’ve got codependency as well… :( i am trying to forget him to think its only a month, but that one month felt like forever. We chat everyday, going to movies, dinners, dates, I remember one night we were out on a dinner date, he said he can kneel in front of me to ask me to be his gf, that he’s sure I’m the right girl for him… I fell for him in a month, I just couldn’t believe what he’s done, that two nights ago we were together and happy, then two days after he’s in a relationship with another girl and messaged me that his feelings come and go that it’s best to stop communication…. I just don’t get how a person can change their feelings in two days, :( he’s obviously lied to me when he said he won’t date other while we’re dating… :(
Yea the problem is you guys hung out way too often too early. This route is the extreme route – it will either work out really well for the long run or it will end abruptly and you’ll get hurt. In the future, you’ve got to take relationships at a much slower pace. Don’t be so eager to get into a relationship. A mega red flag that you need to be aware of in the future is when someone is saying how you’re the right person and how they are in love with you and it’s only been a few weeks lol…
Thank you for the advice Rick. I’ll have to do that when someone comes along In the future. I still can’t forget this guy even though it’s been three weeks since his last message. But I am feeling bit better as days go by. Sometimes I wish I should have Listened to my friend when she said something is not right from that first week we dated but still I went for it so now I ended up getting hurt.
I have been married to my BP husband for 11 years, he was only diagnosed 5 months ago, but our life has been hell for over 6 years since the mental illness took hold (he also suffers from OCD, Anxiety etc). We have two children together. I have tried endlessly to be there for him and have made ALL of the mistakes listed above. Before his illness took over, we were very, very happy together. He is proposing we stay together for the sake of the kids, but I don’t think this is a good idea. He often tells me ‘it’s over’ for him, but he also can’t bear the thought of being responsible for breaking up our family and hurting me anymore than he already has. He says I am an amazing wife and appreciates all I have done for him, but he just doesn’t see that there is any hope of getting back what we used to have. Then other days he says he loves me and wants to make it work. I keep saying that living a lie is a lifetime of hurt and unless he can commit to working on the marriage it won’t work. He is committed to taking his meds, and see his dr regularly. I don’t know if there is any hope here? He is currently living on his own away from the family home. I took a stand in the spring and told him he had to get his act together or we were done. Shortly after this, he was given the BP diagnosis. Everything I read suggests I run for the hills, but I still love this man, and we have been together almost 20 years, have built a life together. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated. Thanks folks.
Again this further proves that BPD isn’t hard to deal with by itself. It only becomes difficult when there are other diagnosis added on like bipolar or OCD or anxiety, etc. There are always other issues it seems. Anyway, space is always the best thing for these situations. Just let him do his thing, make him come to you. Do not be a pushover as you need to keep your respect!
I have made all the same mistakes that you have talked about. Me and my ex BPD had a big fight, she now lives with her mom. I been trying to reach out to here but nothing seems to be working. We had a great conversation the other night about just being there for my daughter and working on our selves; then she raged about the fight we had. She hung up in face and i tried to call her back. What should I do and will she come back ?
If she’s hanging up on you, then just laugh it off to yourself. You need to train yourself to see the irrationality as just silliness. Don’t get worried, don’t chase her, don’t call her back, don’t drive to her house or whatever. Sometimes the best way to play her games is to not play them at all.
I recently went through a really painful and confusing break-up with my ex girlfriend due to manic-bipolar. I’m 33 and she is 28. We met online when she contacted me in May of last year. She was in hospital at the time getting tests/blood tests for a couple of weeks but was eventually let home and she moved back to my home city to be close with her family and start a new job. We started dating soon after that and hit things off quite quickly but I always let things go at her pace. She was incredibly giving, affectionate and passionate with me even bringing me gifts for my house and coming over to cook me wonderful dinners if I was stressed after a long days work. We had loads in common loving the outdoors, cooking, martial arts etc and everything felt effortless between us. I did notice some scaring on her upper arms but she does landscape gardening as a job and is a bit clumsy at times so i assumed that was from the job. We made plans for Xmas and she invited me to attend her Xmas party dinner with her and spoke about going on a trip someone together in the new year. She was excited about getting a new flat so we could spend more time together and I helped her move house once she got the keys. In November a few days before i was due to come stay with her we are texting/talking on phone as normal saying that she misses me etc and then literally a few hours later is breaking up with me on the phone saying she can’t do this anymore and is only going to end up hurting me, her head isn’t in the right place and has things going on at home she can’t talk about. She ends the call by hanging up and breaking down as she says ‘bye’.
We don’t talk for a week or so and chat eventually but she says she feels terrible about how she handled things and that there are things she finds too difficult to talk about. Just before Xmas we chat again and I notice she was already back to online dating and has a new photo up on facebook of her and a new boyfriend a month after we split up. She messaged me saying that she is going to tell me the truth about things that she never wanted to talk about – she is manic bipolar and rapidly self destructive and took a turn for the worse at her mums house and attempted some really stupid things resulting in her mum taking her back to hospital. She said she had to end things with me after that as she didn’t want to end up hurting me and would never have got involved with me had she known her condition was going to cause problems again. Finished by saying this was very hard for me to tell and that the guy in the photos was someone she met after coming out of hospital.
If she was so worried about hurting me then how can she just jump into another relationship like nothing happened and not worry about hurting the new guy? Are things going to be different with him? I just feel devastated that she showed me so much affection and built me up as this great boyfriend to then just do a 180 and replace me with a new guy. Is this normal for for someone with manic bipolar disorder? I know I should be thankful this happened but why do i feel so hurt by something that only lasted 4 months?
Yes. That guy is going to suffer the same thing. I met my so called husband/
exhusband after 4 months of marriage. I love this guy to death but he is the one now giving up after so many attempts of him to work our marriage. He loves me and I love him but he said the extreme hurting of each other must stop. Isn’t it awful? The person you have accepted and love is gone because of the condition. My heart just drops now.
To me, and my experience working with people over the years, this isn’t just a Bipolar/BPD issue. Most people in general are lazy and don’t want to work hard in life. They want things handed to them. They want the easy way out. They want others to do the hard work. So, it’s a real possibility that your partner simply doesn’t want to be an adult and work hard for life success. Therefore, it’s best to NOT try to help these people. You can’t help people if they don’t want to be helped.
Hi Rick. I’ve been dating a BPD woman for about 6 months now. Todays actually the first day I’ve done research online about a successful relationship with this disorder. She’s truly an incredible person who has a heart of gold, but when its bad, its absolutely horrible. Through my own trial and error of putting myself in her shoes for the past 6 months I’ve became stronger than I ever have. My hardest struggle is letting her go when I don’t understand why she’s became upset. To top everything off, she’s also 20 weeks pregnant with our child. I’ve learned that arguing almost anything that comes up is the worst thing to do and to wait until she has became calm after the initial confrontation to discuss anything. I’ve literally been to hell and back with this relationship, but its the true person I see inside of her that keeps me here.
I was dating this pretty girl currently 35yr’s old. She had told me she had a touch of BPD but I had no idea going into it, that combined with daily alcohol consumption, the violence I was walking into. She confessed she hit past boyfriends but of course, I thought I could control her. I wished I never met her because she was the prettiest girl I had ever dated and I love to cuddle with her and be told sweet things. Sadly, she was a master manipulator and a liar.
She currently is carrying on with another relationship with a man in another Country and I read through her emails and saw that they are planning a trip ( while I am dating her !! ) She lied to me about it all and said they are just friends. Yet, a day or two after she confessed that with past jealous BF’s, she will ” bend the truth”
For any man or women dating someone with alcoholism and BPD here are some sour grapes that will help you get the courage to leave these people, so see if you can relate:
has nothing to add to a conversation – boring and dull and only is capable of making fun of what you say
poor attitude and poor financially
These aren’t just BPD traits — these are the traits of MANY people in our society. I don’t believe it’s fair for you to categorize your ex as a borderline just because she’s that way. Or, maybe it is and millions upon millions of people have BPD (which is probably true).
I do want everyone to keep in mind that the comment section on my articles is for positive, constructive discussions. I delete negative, bitter, angry comments. I delete comments that insult. I delete any comment that doesn’t add to the discussion here. My site isn’t for you to call someone out and put them on blast.
I’m all about building a positive community here. The more we educate and help each other, the better the world and relationships will be.
Matt Kilcran says
You are right. I did want to add that she isn’t to blame. When her Father died and she moved and was trying to fit in to a new school she felt necessary to drink and do drugs. She never stopped the drinking but was able to stop the drugs. I was told that when she started, around age 19, her brain never mentally grew so my therapist told me I was dating a 19yr old. I pray for her all of the time and for myself as well. I was deeply into this women and wish the best for her. I did want to mention that I looked up your site because I was just trying to figure out a way to work with someone with this diagnosis. I found out that she can’t change, but I can. I decided to move on and am going through the grieving stages of departing from her.
Do you have any advice for me if she still wants to have a relationship with me? But admits she will not be easy on me ever but really loves me? Last, is it true that BPD people are notorious cheaters and liars?
The biggest red flag I see from everything written so far is her problems with alcohol. In my opinion, and I’ve stated this many times over the years, alcohol is much worse than BPD. It can really bring out the worst in someone. They do things that they would normally never do in a sober state. And, they’ll do things they don’t even recall (or will flat-out deny later).
Therefore, when it comes to dating someone who enjoys alcohol, it’s best to have a very strong boundary about it. I make it pretty obvious when I meet women that I’m not big into partying or getting drunk or drama and all that jazz. Setting the tone early is crucial.
I was married to a man that was later diagnosed with manic bipolar after 4 yrs of marriage. We divorced after may times trying to work things out. Til this day, we argue about stupid stuff. He wants me to pretty much be passive and be like, yes, ur right, it won’t happen again. And we can argue about our child having a dirt spot and wasn’t changed. He asks why i didnt change him and when i answer, he tells me he doesnt want to hear any excuses. He wants me to be submissive and be meek. He goes from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds! What should I do? We consider ourselves best friends still, but he says I don’t understand his bipolar and that I need to be more understanding! I want to be but … he’s making me crazy with how he wants things done a certain way.
It’s really tough because you have a kid together, but you shouldn’t be with a man who isn’t making you happy. It’s really that simple. And, you don’t want to raise children in an unhappy environment or else they’ll grow up with a lot of problems.
Been in long (on and off) relationship with “difficult” person. Noticed that we never could get close. Anything that required vulnerability on her part was deflected in some way. Blaming, irritability, low, palpable anger (counselor even said so), inability to be alone (5 BFs), is “observant” and proud of it, no (real) friends, manipulation by instilling fear (lose of relationship/sex) Well, the best time I ever had with her was when I just “stopped.” Mostly due to exhaustion, but mostly due to smartening up. I didnt chase or argue. And I hold my ground (btw-calls me “stubborn”). She’s on to new BF – but still sends smoke signals. These types will test one’s resolve, but like children, they respect inner strength. And she was my best teacher. Good advice on here. Be prepared to leave and do so if need be.
Your advice about being willing to leave is what I want readers to pay attention to. It’s NOT that you’re actually leaving the relationship — it’s that you’re not afraid to send a message that you DON’T need her. It’s a sign of strength.
This applies to most relationships, not just BPD. Hence why I always tell guys that you need to have a lifestyle, need to have something going for you that’s bigger than your relationship.
This is a very bad and poorly given advise. BPD women has a constant and very nasty fear of abandonment, even when there is no sign of ending a relationship. That is why they constantly sabotage it. Also their interpretation of the other parties’ actions, their empathy is problematic. An “I don’t need you, I don’t rely on you” message may be a healthy sign of strength with other type of relationships, but it will only trigger the fear of abandonment with a borderline. That is like putting your arm all the way in to a beehive with no protection, and you will not know what it is going to trigger. Will mostly end in a disaster.
Your mindset is why it will end in disaster. You’re basically saying that you need to have a “needy” mindset with a Borderline. Do you want to know why this is so wrong on every level? Because neediness is the least attractive behavior a man can ever give to a woman. You want a woman to cheat on you, lie, steal, hurt you? Then be needy. Tell her you need her. Tell her you rely on her.
Borderline women sabotage relationships with needy men. THAT IS IT. For over 5 years now, I have NEVER had a BPD woman “sabotage” the relationship. Why? Because she knows I’ll just pack my bags and move on if she tries some crazy shit. I haven’t even had an argument with any of my girlfriends for years now. Why? Because they’re a waste of time and she knows it.
You guys that disagree with me have A LOT to learn about healthy relationships in general. The fact that you believe this nonsense you wrote is proof that you’re an unhealthy individual and will always struggle in relationships, as so many men do.
I think my friend has BPD. The last three years has been one hell of a rollercoaster…One day I opened up to her to tell her that I was feeling sad bec I was getting insecure ON THAT DAY…hormonal. Next thing I know she sends me a text saying we are too close and it makes her uncomfortable…So I gave her space. last week someone we know died..I went to console her at her daughter’s swim meet. She obviously did not want me there. I left one hour later…and now back to cold shoulder. she’s never going to be normal!!!!
Actually, you fell for the typical “nice guy” trap. Women will often test a guy for this. She’ll open up and get all emotional to see if the guy does so as well. If you fall for this game, the girl will dump you, lol. This isn’t even a BPD thing, it’s just what girls do. Literally every attractive girl I’ve ever known will test guys this way. There’s nothing attractive about a man telling her how he’s feeing sad.
There’s no room for nice guys in this game. If you want to be one of these emotional feely nice guys, then stick with women who don’t have other guy’s pursuing her.
I just want to say that despite all negativeness you find about relationships with BPD, I must say that it is just partly true. The other part is that there is always a way of handling it with a rational and warm behavior. I personally managed to find an optimal way to fight with the issue without taking everything personally and against me. My relationship with a BPD was critical, but I educated myself and I really tried to see where was the problem. Communication is very important in those moments of fear. Be calm and understandable in the way you would like to be listened in your difficult moments.
I have been in a co-dependent relationship with a bpd woman for a little over a year. Made all the classic mistakes. Rode the roller-coaster, beat my head against her wall, dealt with the sudden weird rages and all that. That’s my fault. Thought I could fix it.
Then my father died. If you really want to see a BPD in all their “glory” just have a need for compassion and support. She started a fight before the funeral, then said my mourning was self pity.
I’m done. I’m packing all my shit and moving back to my old apt where I’d turned off my power and sitting in the dark until I get paid.
It’s like dating an alien who looks like a human being but acts like a 3 year old raised by the Manson family. Well, five days out of the week at least. The fight before the funeral really was the last straw. But I don’t blame her. I blame me for putting up with it. Won’t happen again. Thanks for the articles
I know what you mean. “It’s like dating an alien who looks like a human being but acts like a 3 year old raised by the Manson family. Well, five days out of the week at least” this is a dead on description of pwbpd and those other two days are glorious. but then hell ensues shortly…
I don’t think that being sad or depressed as a result of what your partner says or does is necessarily a result of codependency. It is just a natural, human response and when you are close to someone it is sometimes inevitable.
Well yes of course. However, and I know people are going to get mad at me for saying this, depression is a state of mind. It is caused by being mentally weak and having no direction in life. It’s not curable with pills as all they do is cover up the symptoms. Getting over depression is only possible when you’ve found something to strive towards. This cannot be a relationship. This is why I always say that one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to have a big goal/mission in life that’s independent of the relationship, something you strive towards whether you’re single or not.
Hi there I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I lost the love of my life due to my bpd behaviours my ex tried to save me from a horrible life I was experiencing. Due to my white and black thinking treating my partner like shit such as 1 moment putting him on a pedalstoll and the next running him into the dirt. I was still in denial that I had BPD. I loved Him heaps and still do today . There was a recommended treatment but being poor I couldn’t afford to use the private system and there was a long public waiting list for dialectacle behaviour therapy
I cheated on him a numerous amount of times to satisfy my pain of abbondoment. When he said he would leave me I would threaten to kill myself entrapping him. In the end the relationship came to a sad end it ended in a physical fight which resulted in police attendance and an family violence order was taken out. I had another guy lined up already so I didn’t feel abandoned but that relationship didn’t last long due to an argument I was attacked by him and I had to get an Family violence protection order against him. After that I felt the full effects of abandonment and as a result I attempted suicide 4 times because of the end of my relationships
I will admit as a result I have now accepted I have BPD and am seeking treatment
Feel free to comment or ask
Yes, this is classic abandonment/BPD behavior. I’m sorry you went through this, but the important part is that you’ve admitted to yourself that you have issues that you need to address. The only way to curing yourself is to first admit that you’re sick.
I’m not a fan of DBT therapy because I don’t believe it’s needed. You’re already halfway towards being healed because the hardest, most crucial step is admitting that you have a problem. Now that you’ve done that, you can just focus on the individual issues that affect you the most. Start small and go from there. Small leads to big.
I met a girl in a bar who needed a ride home because she had run off her date. I gave her a ride home and we talked all night. Long story short I became interested. She is very pretty. But as time went by I discovered she was frequently lying to me about what she was doing and who she was with. She behaved exactly as others have described in these comments. She hurts me and then apologizes. Rinse and repeat. I thought I could help. Mix in her self admitted bi-polar and alcoholic issue and what I consider an over medicated problem. I want her so bad but don’t know how to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy which she insjlts me. Lost cause or is there some way to save this? From my perspective I’m her best hope.
She’s not going to stop giving you shit until you start countering her. But that’s a whole different ball game lol. Learning how to counter the games that women play is something that 99% of guys don’t know how to do. I can tell you that the best thing you can do is to just cut this girl off until she starts treating you better. But, some girls will only like a guy who actually knows how to counter her. I’ve made girls fall in love over text just through countering her tests and games. It’s really powerful stuff.
I stumbled upon this website as I was looking up how to improve myself. I have BPD and am in a long distance relationship for nearly 2 years. We were living in the same city last year, and continued the relationship when he left the country last December. We weren’t initially going to do long distance but it became clear later on that I couldn’t be just a friend with a him.
We’ve been fighting a lot lately and I feel like it’s reaching the tipping point. I blame myself; a lot of insecurities, constantly asking him to reassure me that he still loves me, crying on the phone, etc. I’m beginning to even doubt if I really love him! I was so angry with all the little things when I saw him last month. I feel like I’ve become a different person and I don’t understand how I got here! It’s like I don’t know how to be in a relationship…which is so weird because we were good while living in the same city. It really makes me wonder why and how he can love me when I don’t even love myself. It makes me so sad that I’m constantly hurting him, but at the same time I can’t seem to let go. I know I really should; it would be better for the both of us.
He’s really good at setting boundaries but I have a hard time sticking to them. I don’t know how much more he can take…and I don’t know how much I can take! I can’t sleep, I’m so mopey, and I can’t focus on school.
Hi Jane! I’m sorry to hear about all this. Your task going forward should definitely be about learning how to love yourself. If you don’t, it will just continue to tear down the relationship like you’ve noticed. Are there things in your past you can’t let go? Anything you need to forgive and move on? Is your diet healthy? Try going for a run every time you start having negative thoughts. This will get your blood flowing and clear your head. It will release hormones that will make you feel good and better about yourself. Let me know more details and I’ll be able to assist you further!
We ended up breaking up. I ended up cheating on him as I felt suffocated in the relationship and I didn’t know how to break up, as he would often start crying when I would bring up the topic. The problem is, I started to realize at the end that he may have been emotionally abusive towards me but I always excused it as the stress of the long distance, his personality or that my BPD made him to react this way. I’m not sure how I feel about this relationship…I feel guilty that I cheated and lost a guy in my life but I’m not sure if this is because of my abandonment issues. All my friends and parents told me that I needed to walk away ages ago because I was unhappy and he could be very cold towards me. Have you heard about BPDs in emotionally abusive relationships where the “sane” partner is actually the abusive one? I feel very damaged and vulnerable after this relationship and I’m left questioning myself more than I normally do…
I don’t think you cheated on him. You hooked up with a new guy because you were done with your relationship. That’s not cheating. The relationship is dead so you moved on. If a girl has a boyfriend, that will not stop me from wanting to hook up with her. I won’t mess with a girl if she’s married. That’s it. Anything else is fair game, and anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t know a shit. A girl won’t cheat on her man if he’s an awesome man and being a great boyfriend. But she will cheat if her man sucks. It’s that simple.
So don’t feel guilty. You left an inadequate, insecure, low-quality man. That’s a GOOD thing.
jemma jones says
Very much enjoying reading your direct, straight to the point comments Rick. I may post my experience soon too, I like your perspective.
Hi: I met a 25 year old bipolar woman and we dated for 6 months. It had the classic intense affection and declaration of soulmate eternal love. Now, I must state that I am 52 so there was a big age difference. However, our relationship worked and we never felt that the age gap mattered. During this utopian time, we never had any issues. At the end of the 6 months, the only mistake I made was I violated her trust by asking if she was talking to another guy on her phone. Yes, I admit that I demonstrated jealousy and it is an issue in any relationship. But her reaction was “I am out. I have to look out for number one.” She left the house and never rescinded her decision. We had lots of text/email dialouge for a few months. Stupid me,checks her Facebook profile, and there she is with a new guy, professing the same intense love she had given me. She said that she met him 6 weeks after our breakup, but his name showed up on her Facebook as “likes” of her various pictures immediately after he left me, so I know she is not telling the full truth. It’s been four months and I am still hurting. I asked her several times after our separation, if it was my violating her trust that led to her decision and that I would even seek counselling to save things. She said, “No, that it was annoying, but the age thing led to my decision. I have spent alot of time ruminating and blaming myself for the break up because I truly feel the violation of trust was the real reason, not the age. We don’t have any contact anymore because I made all the classic mistakes after the breakup by contacting her and professing my love, and I missed her, and had great plans for our future, etc. She basically told me to leave her alone and she is walking away and that she is weighing as to whether our relationship was positive or negative at this point. I am still devastated and believe it or not, still have a sliver of hope that she will once again be in my arms.
She was just using you as an escape. She probably got sick of guys her age and wanted to try an older man. She had fun for while it lasted, but now she wants a man that’s closer to her age. It happens. This is why I always tell people to just enjoy the process. Enjoy the relationship while it lasted. You can’t force someone to stay with you, you can’t “fix” a problem that doesn’t really exist in the first place. If someone loses interest in you, or meets someone else that they like more, you can’t “fix” that. It just is what it is. Got to give them space and just let them go…
Why do men (and female cougars) delude themselves so much with the age thing?
When I was in my 20s, myself and a lot of young women were willing to temporarily date older men to enjoy a nice lifestyle and (in some cases) help with rent, student fees, get nice gifts. etc. The guys our age were playing catch up financially while we transitioned from college to careers.
Once the men our age were working full time and could compete a bit more, we dated them instead. Very few younger women stay with older men long term (unless they are hoping to divorce or outlive them and get a nice payout – which the men are ok with if they get to bed a 25 year old in return).
Your 25 year old was being honest. The trust thing wasn’t a big deal to her. She just preferred younger men for a serious relationship and once one came along, she jumped ship. Accept it for what it is. You can date younger women all you want if you have money, but accept that it is entirely transactional and unlikely to last long term.
Just completely false. I see young women in long term relationships with guys 10-15 years older than her all the time. I’ve dated women who were 10 years younger than me. One of my friends is 26 and her boyfriend is 49. Women prefer older men for much more than just money, unless she’s an extremely petty child. In the case of the petty woman, she will always struggle in relationships no matter her age
Nicky P says
Very good article regarding how one should look after themselves when in a relationship with someone suffering with any kind of mental illness.
I say ‘suffer’ as that is exactly what’s happening. My partner/fiance is ill, she has BP II combined with PTSD.
Long story but have known this girl (34) since we were kids in our village although our age gap at the time dictated that she was much too young although I thought she was cute. That’s me.
I’d say that due to childhood sexually abuse, parents that never accepted her pain, never supported her and told her it wasn’t her fault, led her to feel how she does today. An amazingly beautiful girl in her teens, her first experience of ‘life’ was abuse. So in my opinion in her head she thought that this was the way to roll, pleasing people and not realising she was never in control. This manifests into extreme insecurity, knowing something is wrong but not quite sure what. Teenage years resulted in her first highs, pregnancy and attracting the wrong types of men. Physically assaulted by men who sense the emotional insecurity and need to feel loved. An easy target. This continues into her 20’s, depression, hypomanic…. Up and down until one day she is left for dead by someone who led her to believe he was a lovely bloke. He is released from jail after only one year. She flees back to her parents where I bumped into her after being abroad for ten years plus. That was four years ago, we are now engaged.
What I’m saying I think is that due to a multitude of scenarios, family,relationships, abuse and the feeling of being let down by the judicial system, she is extremely fragile. The pain is constant, the self medication rears it’s ugly head once in a while and support and understanding is needed.
I agree with everything you say about looking after yourself as I am guilty of all the above. But with educating myself, understanding that she has an illness, understanding that I’m sometimes talking to her illness and not her, understanding the need for her space, I have slowly been able to help her get the help she needs, medication and psychiatric.
When she’s down she’s down. You don’t have to say anything other than tell her that you hear her. I’ve made the mistake of trying to rationalise with her before. Only when she’s on an even keel can this be done. It’s important like you say to have a slightly deaf ear and slightly thick skin.
Education is the key. No its not easy, especially when there is a ten year old involved.
The chemical imbalance in the brain dictates moods.
I’ve blabbered on and forgotten my point. But Rick is right. Lookafter yourself. But if you want to help, then educate yourself. These people may not tell u they love u, or get up to do things with you. And it can feel lonely. But if u r in a longer term relationship I can tell you that yes they do love u tbrry much….they just can’t show you or tell u as due to their upbringing and what they’ve experienced they just don’t know how. In most cases they’ve never learnt to love themselves or be loved unconditionally.
I personally won’t walk away, but I do need to heed Ricks advice and find a balance.
Hope all this makes some sense?
Yup just find that balance! I just wrote a new article that talks about maintaining that healthy balance outside of the relationship. Check it out!
Nicky P says
In addition, medication van cause weight gain, which in turn causes more self loathing and agoraphobia. Why on earth do these people want to be with me they think. Hence the reasons for pushing u away. They don’t want to, they don’t feel worthy that’s all, so casual, non complicated relationships are easier.
I’ve found the articles on this site rather interesting as they take a different perspective on things. I have a question regarding the advice you provide on BPD partners: is it generally focused on BPDs who have at least acknowledged that they have the disorder and are working on it, or does it apply to even those still in denial?
I’ve recently broken up with my ex who I believe carries many BPD characteristics (and possibly bi-polar as well), and to this day she is in complete denial that there is anything wrong. She deflects blame of her actions onto others, doesn’t acknowledge her bad behaviour and believes in her mind that the entire relationship revolved around me (LOL – I just have to laugh at this as I bent over backwards to accommodate her and walked on egg shells around her moods). She had unnecessary issues with my family members and often abused alcohol as a coping mechanism. She also has family issues with her own family and has been through many relationships.
I played the game of trying to “hear” her feelings and listen to her needs, when most of the time her feelings didn’t reflect the truth and her needs were impossible to fulfil. We even tried couples counselling, with us having to stop going each time because the sessions (more likely the truth) became too hard for her to handle. She would blame me for not expressing my feelings, but each time I did, I didn’t feel they were even genuinely heard, or it would result in an argument/fight. So ultimately I just withdrew. Nothing I did was ever enough and there was always some issue.
So I look back and realise I’m stronger now, more at peace and more healthy overall. My question is, why would anyone put up with this shit over the long term? And what would your advice have been had you been in this situation?? My advice for anyone in this situation is run for the f*&*ing hills.
It’s really hard to date someone who won’t admit they have a problem. This is where you’ll be dealing with a lot of irrationality and blaming. In my opinion, you’re wasting your time in these relationships because of the lack of responsibility that will occur. This doesn’t just apply to BPD — a lot of people have an ego and never take responsibility. They blame others. They expect others to provide for them and to make their lives better.
However, the real world doesn’t work that way. You only get what you put in. The sooner people realize this, the sooner that their lives will improve.
2 years ago I began to date a beauitful young woman with what she stated was only “Depression” at the time. When she told me this, I didn’t find any factor that would make me tuck tail and run the other way. I was “in love” and whatever I had to do to make this woman happy, I wanted to do.
This relationship ended only a year later and after a few months of already living together. Things took a turn for the worst and she became someone other then the woman I fell for a year prior.
Now after reading this article I see exactly what happened. Everything you listed here on what NOT to do, I did. I didn’t control my emotions with her and I wanted to be that White Knight, something I tend to do often in relationships.
Since our breakup, I wanted nothing more then to get back together with her. Before it all officially came to end, we even attempted to go to therapy but only after 2 sessions, she didn’t want to go anymore.
What I realize now is that when she met me, it seems like she was in her Manic phase. She was energetic, motivated, and all so attentive but that faded and arguments of pure petty issues took over. My mistake, was letting my emotions get involved but I simply couldn’t stand the fact that she constantly ran off to her friends or families when we had an argument instead of talking it out like adults. This was a peeve of mine that she was never able to change and now I see that it will never change.
Everyone said I was lucky to get out of the relationship, even though it was her choice to leave, but why can’t I shake it off after a year? I think about her all the time and most recently we began to chat via text for a moment. It started off great! We talked about our lives in the past year of not seeing each other and what we have done as well as our favorite TV shows. The conversations were easy and fun, but then the past came up and it all went to hell again. I explained how I took time to find myself and work on my own issues in a year. That this process has led me to see that there was a lot of emotional issues that I had to control in order to make any future commitment last. I thought that she would appreciate this but all it did for her was stir up her old feelings. Next thing I know she is back to reflecting her issues onto me without any acknoledgement of her own faults and actions during our relationship.
So now, after a year of wanting to talk to her, we did…and it’s left me stunned. Should I just walk away from this and just face the fact that the woman I met was just a facade as you stated? Or is it worth it to keep trying to remember the happiness? This is where I am lost because I truly do love her and want to be the ONLY support she has but all she does is push anyone who cares away. From family to friends, she attempts to go at things alone.
She has even recently told me that she has been drinking more often then not lately and it worries me. Should I be worried? Am I wrong or right to worry about he well being, even though she shows no sign of wanting to work this out? Is she doing this to save her own skin from hurt or trying to save me from anymore hurt due to her mental health?
Please guys, I need some info her before I make the wrong decision to either stick with it or walk away completely.
You pointed out an important part of my training: learning what NOT do. In my opinion, knowing what not to do is more important than learning “techniques” or “tactics” or whatever. It’s often that we know too much (or the wrong things) that cause us to fuck up relationships. I hope everyone reading this takes note of this fact. Learn what NOT to do and I promise you’ll see improvements.
My bf of 4 months just broke up with me. As like many of the stories on this page it was abrupt and he suddenly didn’t think he could love me to make it to the marriage stage. Despite feeling like he could 3 days before I said it was too early to even think about that and you grown into a relationship it’s not instanaeous. I met him on a dating website as I thought I would try something different. He was quickly very much involved in all of my life (except always shying away from social events that involved my family and friends) and I let him in because I saw this wonderful sweet, caring,extremely intelligent, beautiful and somewhat quirky man as many people do during the honeymoon period who I have shamelessly started to fall for. Over the last month he was moving house and was having some issues at work on top of the fact his sister was hospitalised for bipolar depression. This all of a sudden became pretty overwhelming for him and he said he was feeling anxious I had also seen certain things change in him. When I met him he was always on a high but this particular month I saw him become irritable, moody, withdrawn, frustrated and agitated, overwhelmed and anxious, irrational or impulsive thinking not to mention stubborn, either on top of the world or really low. And this was all exacerbated by him starting to smoke pot everyday. He has not told me that he has bipolar but given his sister, his mum have it, his father was an alcoholic and domestically violent and he has two kids from a previous relationship that are on the autistic spectrum. I do have my suspicions that he has aspergers, OCD, ADHD and bi polar. He has not disclosed this to me but so many things above and beyond what I have described points to this. I have resided myself to the fact that I’ve lost or didn’t even have the man that I described at the beginning. However I am concerned for him because some of his behaviour has been very strange. I’ve never seen him on meds, he meditates, exercises a lot and tries to stick to a healthy diet with the exception of alcohol and pot. We are meeting up this week to discuss everything, I would like him to seek help but do not want it to come across condescending or patronising and would love your advice on how to broach the subject without upsetting him,
Thank you. Sita
In my (accurate) opinion, marriage isn’t something that should be considered for quite some time. I generally recommend people to date 3 years minimum, with minimal drama, before getting married. If you’re dating for years and the relationship is toxic throughout, marriage will only make things worse…
So glad I found this site….It all sounds so familiar. I was with a man with bipolar for about two years….the first few months were great…then things started happening…he punched my dog…begged forgiveness….was sexting with my best friend…begged forgiveness…and a million things in between….we began living together (my house) after 7-8 months…i believed much of the above…i could help him…it ended badly about a year ago…he had moved out before that but we continued to see eachother..now i just heard he has moved in with another woman (her house)…and i am devastated..not only for me…but for this poor soul who i know will endure what i did. I guess my question is..do many bp…go from person to person…especially…moving in with them….and what are the chances it will last with this person
To me, it just sounds like he wasn’t interested in having a long-term committed relationship with you. I know it hurts but it’s just how it is. It can take some time to realize that you’re not going to be with someone for the long term. You can’t force someone to want you. You can improve your attractiveness, but even that doesn’t guarantee your partner will like you any more.
Great information here you all, I have been dating a woman who at first I believed was a great catch. Very attentive, kind, loving, romantic etc. After a few months I began to notice another side of her. Angry, jealous, obsessive, needy, demanding. In hopes of trying to make the relationship I overlooked these issues and continued with the relationship but moved out of her house. This of course angered her greatly but we continued dating. A few months later I learned she had moved in with someone else. I was heartbroken and actually worked to get the relationship back and a few months later we moved back in to her house. We were fine for awhile but then her anger and demanding self, pushed me away and I moved out again. We continued dating and things appeared to be “ok” and it was my time to spend time with my son who I get to see only 30 days out of the year as he is out of state with his mom. Well during this time, I did not speak to my girlfriend as she is usually very upset and angry while I am not with her. We contacted each other after he left and began to see each other for a couple of weeks and all “seemed” well again. I was then out of town with work and attempted to call her; however she did not pick up the phone and this alarmed me. I returned from out of town and came to find out there was yet another male in the picture. UUgghhh, not again!! From what I have read these are all signs of BPD and Bipolar Disorder.
I came to this site to seek help for my youngest son. He was living with a girl and they definitely had a major codependent relationship. She is extremely needy, jealous (reading his text messages and emails behind his back), did not want him hanging out with his older brother unless she was there, resented any advice that my son took from his sister-in-law who works for the same company in the same field, would not allow him to continue in any platonic relationship he had with any female coworkers prior to their relationship, would call her mother/sister every time they had a fight and have one or the other mediate the fight and he would sit there and endure that. When I asked him why he stayed to listen to her tell her mother and sister all the details of their argument, he stated if he tried to leave she would come screaming after him and it would embarrass him since they live in an apartment. In May, they had a major argument and she left and went and stayed with a friend overnight (not the first time she did that) and so he decided after 2 years to finally end it. She immediately began begging and pleading which is what always had worked in the past and he left and moved in with my older son and his wife just to be out of the apartment. He is struggling with the situation. He has told me that he is not in love with her — he does care about her but not in love and doesn’t see himself marrying her and having children with her. But he feels responsible for her. She came to the apartment to pack her things and she took a lot of things that were his and even took things that were owned by the landlord. She left a post it note on the bathroom mirror that stated, “It’s like I’m getting to go shopping.” He paid over $1200 to ship all of that home and agreed to pay another $500 to have her car driven home.
Still, he feels sorry for her and feels like he is an awful person for leaving the relationship. We have all tried to talk to him to no avail. She is supposed to move home to Texas at Thanksgiving, but sent him a text message asking him if he would hang out with her on her birthday (11/22) because “she’s going to be all alone,” even though she has 2 other roommates and other friends. I hope he is able to stay strong. He has been in counseling and I’m praying that continues so that he doesn’t get in another codependent relationship. Thank you for this site.
Well your son just doesn’t know what it means to be a man and stand up for himself. Whether you failed in raising him or not, I can’t say. But it’s quite obvious that you being here trying to help your son with his love life is kind of silly considering that he’s an adult and should be doing this himself. I know a guy who’s 35 and his mom still does practically everything for him. It’s no wonder that all his relationships end because he expects his girlfriend to baby him. So, you need to set him free. He needs to go into life without ANY of your help now that he’s an adult. Stop bailing him out when life gets tough for him. And especially stop interferring in his love life. He needs to grow up and handle that on his own.
So first of all, I’m not dating a guy with bipolar, but he is bipolar. However, I do want to know if he likes me because I don’t think it would be healthy if he did and I were to say that we are only friends.
We talk once in a while, from time to time. He’s told me most of his bipolar lifestyle and how he thinks his mom is annoying (I think she’s just concerned, really). But do people with bipolar actually open up that easily? I don’t know if he’s just telling me because we’re friends or if he wants something more.
This article helped, tho
I have no idea if it’s because he’s bipolar. I just don’t look that far into things. As I always say, just take it for what it is with the individual. If you don’t like men that open up so quickly, then be done with him. If you find it interesting, then dive a little deeper. My advice with anyone that opens up quickly, however, is that YOU must be slow to commit. And by slow I mean that you must always be less committed than they are. That’s just my advice for this type of situation.
Been involved with BPD female for two months. I’m an in-control guy and in a very short time has injected an incredible amount of chaos in a very short period. BPD to a T from all the symptoms and behaviors, my big issues are the lies and the changing on a dime. When she goes into her state she’ll only text, no talk. This can go on for a full week, at which time I lose it and tell here to F off. I like when we’re together, but don’t want to be together! When I lose it I say terrible things to her, then walk. Getting tired of cycle, please help! Need to decide whether to contact again. Need advice!
As the man, your job is to be in control of your emotions. You’re going about this all wrong. She’s getting under your skin and you’re reacting negatively. You’re totally failing with this girl. You really need thick skin to date women like this. So learn to control your emotions better. Don’t be affected by her BS. Learn to brush it off. She obviously is in control and has the power. Switch this around and you’ll be fine.
I’m really glad I came across your site. I need some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for two years. We have had very low points, but some high as well. I feel like I have tried to do my best to “go with the flow” of his illness- I have tried to educate myself as much as possible, I have seen a therapist, I have tried talking with him, and the problem is he up and leave me like it’s nothing. We got into a small arguement two weeks ago and he completely ignores me. It’s so incredibly hurtful, I can’t even think straight.
We have broken up and re-started our relationship a few times, but the length at which he has ignored me makes me nervous. The other day when we did exchange a few texts, he told me he didn’t want to deal with my nonsense, even though we were fighting because of him.
What should I do? I care and love him, but I’m tired of him not trying. Do you think he’s not in love with me and I should move on, or just keep hoping he’ll come back?
Thanks again for your site.
In my previous articles, I talk about how ‘going with the flow’ is the exact opposite of how you want to be in these relationships. If you want any success at all, you need to BREAK this flow and BE in control. That’s absolute truth. When you’re in control, BPD’s are happy because you’re the first person in their life that can’t be pushed around and manipulated. So you score big points there. So my advice for you for now is to regain that control. It will be a struggle but do what you can to get it back. This starts with self-control. Good luck :)
Kerry Anne says
So I came across this site and like the above reader, by bi polar boyfriend is currently ignoring me. We get into stupid arguments and his way of dealing with it is to drop off the face of the earth. This is not fair to me, and certainly not before the holidays!
You mentioned in your above common that we should “regain self control” – what do you mean? And would you mind going into a bit more detail about “being in control” ? As someone who is not bi polar, how do I stop this bad behavior with him, and why doesn’t he make more of an effort? Does that mean he doesn’t care? I look desperate trying to get him to talk to me, but it’s him should be making the effort! UGH!
Need advice! :(
This is just a sign of emotional weakness in men. A lot of men are this way, not just BPD/bipolar types. It’s just that a lot of men and women today would rather curl up and hide in bed than communicate issues. It’s really lame and it’s where I draw the line. I won’t date someone seriously if they behave this way.
So really the best advice I can offer you is to not take this man seriously anymore. How can you take someone seriously that doesn’t communicate? It’s just not feasible for a long-term, healthy relationship. You can tell him all you want, but it’s his choice in the end to change. You can’t force change. So hey, just treat him the same way. If he acts up, ignore him for a few days. Give him the same treatment. But ultimately, don’t take these kind of men seriously.
A lot of this advice is useful for anybody in any relationship, not just BPD partners.
This is how I have designed my training. It’s not just for BPD’s because unlike other websites, I understand that BPD’s are people too. They have the same desires and needs and everybody else. So to categorize and generalize them is terrible and why places like BPD Family are crap.
Hello, I came to this website trying to make sense of recent events in my life. I was under the impression that I was happily married until I discovered my husband in bed with another woman. He had been in an affair with her for six months and is now dating her since he has moved out. He says he still loves me but he loves her more. She has bipolar disorder, apparently the sex is out of this world (although I thought it was pretty good with me). I asked her how she justified having a relationship with a married man and she said we can’t help being in love. Then she said the attraction that he feels towards her is that she doesn’t need him, he needs her a lot more than she needs him. He texted me to say he is wracked with guilt for what he’s done but she won’t let him go. I was devastated at first because everything I thought was real suddenly wasn’t but now I am getting stronger everyday and I deserve so much better than a man who lies and cheats and actively seeks women off the Internet. I guess I’m just curious as to what you think the chances of their relationship succeeding is.
I mean you shouldn’t worry about this. I know it sucks, but he’s a cheater douche and you shouldn’t take him back even if they broke up right now. But I know women and they just love men that cheat for some reason…
Meet a man on a dating website had a worldwind romance always felt like something was off. He would get mad about small things.I hid a secret that I occansionally smoked a cigarette every once and a while I am 43 he is 53,. He found cigarettes I felt like a kid caught and lied at first but quickly told him they were mine. he threw me out. Knew nothing about bpd. Fast foward eight months later I meet up with him again boom its like magic we are on, everythning is great. Slowly mask starts falling and arguements start about jealously my inapproriate behavior, I always apologize. I am in sales I come home every night he was my world never did I think about hurting this relationship. Next my friends are being attacked they are no good , causing us harm. I rarely hang out with them never at night never when I can be with him. We are best friends he was my world felt like I had to hide things that would make him upset like talking to friends he didn’t like. (all female)etc. Two days before christmas he finds out that i amdoing a favor for the girlfriend of mine he doesnt like boom I am out. He tells me after every arguement he can not trust me, But two days before arguement I told himI feel I have no control in this relationship and he could cast me aside anytime and he tells me he will never let me go. He loves me more than anything . we almost made it a year that time. Now no contact, he drops off all my stuff in my house and doesn’tleave a key.His mother tells me to leave him alone it will blow over in a month.I am struggling I love him when he is good , I want to be with him but I cant’ keep riding the ride with the same results it is making me sad. Is there any hope?? Please help
Haha this guy just needs to have his ass handed to him. Call him out on his idiotic behavior. Point out the fact that it’s obvious he’s single at 53 since all he does is throw women out of his house when he gets a little insecure. He’s a fucking child so treat him like one.
I have been dating my girl-friend for nearly two theses now. And I have done everything everyone has already previously mentioned. The mistakes etc. I’ve found however that dating a bi-polar and borderline person can be very exhausting and rewarding at the same time the monster certainly appears after a time. But, that fake fascade if it were Ive found to be just as real as the whatever person. I mean that’s part of the problem is who and what you’re with at any given moment. Through numerous painstaking trial and efforts I couldn’t agree more that having a thick skin and deaf ear is abosolutly vital. And like you I disagree that just because someone is bipolar and/or BPD that they are liars cheaters and whatever laundry list of negative names people want to slap on to their partners and ex-partners.
The advice I am seeking however is just how assertive do I have to be when I call her on her BS and standup for myself. I don’t want to be misconstrued as being overly mean or abusive not to her but to my own minds eye. I am frankly not afraid to break up or not talk as it is something we have done on occasion and it is not devastating because we always reconcile. I believe that I’ve finally begun to adapt the skills necessary to keep this relationship that I do ultimately value more than just about anything. However the one area I still struggle with is in self improvement, at times I’ll stew in depression over what was said and done. As the experiences have coalesced I have gotten so much better at handling myself and my half of the relationship. I am glad to have found this article and will be contributing and keeping my eye on the site henceforth!
I think you need to be a little more selfish, but not in an insecure way. What I mean is that you need to NOT make your relationship the most important thing in your life. Instead, you need to make YOUR happiness the #1. When you approach these relationships with this kind of attitude, it creates a completely different dynamic. If you find yourself sacrificing your own happiness for the relationship, then you are doing it wrong. Those who say that “relationships are about sacrifice” only say that because they’ve never been with a good partner…
Hi i am a 48 year old female with bi-polar and came across this site by accident, have had a quick read at all the comments and found some very insightful and some very stupid. Each human being is an indivisual and seems to me that whether we have a mental health condition or not relationships are differcult most of the time. I think that with education and a good understanding of the condition that your partner suffers with then half the battle is won or maybe that just my fluffy bi-polar world i live in where i am able to hold down a job,maintain a large social network and encourage others to stay well. Two of the best books to read are Mindset,The Chimp Paradox may find helpful.
Thanks! You should read more of my articles and let me know what you think. I always like feedback from people that are dealing with it.
May have elements of cluster B (HPD, N, etc)
I’ve been seeing a girl with whom I spent a ‘honeymoon’ of about 1 year. After we moved and she started living in both the original and present town, trouble started. I am probably to sensitive and respond to her BS with anger and punishment though it appears she may like that (abuse and rough sex). She of course freaks out if I don’t respond immediately to her calls, and is very jealous while she is screwing a bunch of others.
It seems as if it’s constant revenge committed by both of us (more by her). She attempts to flirt in front of me and if I leave her for a coupla hours she will assume I am screwing someone else and then use that as an excuse for attacks, jealousy games, not doing what she knows I want etc.
I don’t react the best in real time so I often punish her afterwards or make her make it up to me somehow (give me a massage, buy dinner etc).
I have responded in anger to her by writing insulting messages and putting her down though what I write is mostly true. The last time I blocked her everywhere and wrote a messasge exposing all her weaknesses, being unattractive, stupid, unrealistic, older etc. The idea behind this was to get rid of her so that even if I bring her back (we both brought each other back in the past after no contact) she would not want to come back. Of course it could be just negative attention to her.
I often block her and then unblock her later when I am less angry or feel sexually excited.
What you write about makes sense but these girls often study your weaknesses and then use the to attack. It’s VERY difficult to stay unreactive and strong.
Do you think it’s possible to cause a change in her in the sense that she stops these behaviors if I change to more unreactive/masculine behavior even after a few years (honeymoon has passed) or is this something that has to be done immediately from the begiinning. Is it too late now since the loss of respect has already occurred and her behavior is worse.
I wouldn’t say it’s too late if she’s still keeping you around. There’s a lot of power is not being affected by things and not reacting logically to BS. This you must work on being good at. It’s a skill. That’s why I always talk about how you need to learn skills. This whole idea of just being yourself in a relationship is loaded with BS because sometimes even your best self is pretty crappy. So you need to learn skills and gain knowledge so you can change yourself to someone that’s pretty awesome. You two are just in this passive-aggressive relationship and it’s tearing you two apart. Stop writing her insults – instead be verbal and confrontational. Writing messages like this is passive aggressive behavior and weak. I think what you need is just face to face confrontation. Not so much arguing, just letting her know how pissed off you are instead of holding it in lol
have Bi polar disorder and I stopped taking my meds cause It was causing really bad side affects. I Turned in to another person from being on too high a dose I never realised until I stopped taking it. I stopped taking it cause my wife that I love very much was struggling. So stopped my meds cause I was like a zombie all the time and too high a dose turned me into a shell of my former self. I done it so I could help her more and so her post natal wouldn’t get worse. Plus I just wanted to be my self again and take the sum strain of her and help out more. I have always been a nice Good morally sensitive guy. She knows Im a nice guy with a good heart and morals but I been really ill for 5 wks and Now I think she has totally given up me and our relationship was a amazing until I was given too much meds.
Things seemed better after stopping for a while then I had my first major acute manic/mixed episode after stopping and I haven’t been able to stop going on about how sorry I am and how I feel about not being able to have been there properly and feeling guilty for being robbed of two yrs of what would been a perfect 2 yrs as we were so in love. Though I just started taking my meds again on much lower dose today. cause I think the lower dose may work as most of my probs were caused from being to highly medicated/sedated/suppressed. I know we could get threw this and back to both being happy. If I wasn’t ill all the time or too highly dosed and was my self again and now medicated again but I fear she has forgotten who I am when im not ill and that its to little to late. it was a mistake to stop my meds though just turned me into a acute manic worried annoying mess instead. I now started taking a lower dose again, I already feel less stressed/ill then I did earlier today. What can I do To make it easier for her until my meds are working properly.
Yeah with meds you can’t just abruptly stop. This is with any type of drug. That’s why in rehab for narcotics and alcohol and such, they give you drugs and slowly ease you off of them as the weeks go by. Just abruptly quitting drugs can kill you since the body becomes reliant on them.
My advice is to do what you’re doing, just take very small dosages and don’t add more to it. Just keep it as low as you can while still feeling like your true self.
Just stop thinking about the past, focus on the future and just tell your wife that the past sucked but it’s in the past and you’re focused on being great in the future and that’s all you can say right now. Let me know what her response is.
Met this guy at a funeral, seemed pretty nice. I could tell something wasn’t all the way right, but he asked for my number and I gave it to him. We started talking, and talking, and talking … 3 hours every night. Great conversationalist, talked about everything. Find out he is mid-50s, retired, small income, barely making it. I overlooked that, no problem. Started to date, movie and back to his place. Couple of months in he has to be hospitalized for “depression” is what he told me .. says he never dealt with the holidays … a month he was there. He’s out, we continue to date. I encourage him to seek employment, too young to not work. He applies, gets a job 2,000 miles away. I help him financially to get there, even took the drive.
Fast forward, we’re in two different places, meet up for holidays. We see each other four or five times in eight months, mostly communicate by phone. Phone conversations start diminishing, 3 hrs, 2 hrs, 1 hr, 45 minutes…. texts get shorter and fewer… calls sparse. I confront him over the eight months about someone else being in the picture, that I can tell, he gets furious, says I’m destroying us by not trusting him. Continue on, same patterns, less and less communication. Then he starts to disappear for hours, no answer phone or texts. Gets furious every time I say there’s somebody else, and that I’m wrong, I’m destroying us, he’s not lying to me.
Happens more and more, same stuff. Accusation, blow-up, no talk for a day, apology, start over again. Arguments and blow-ups are monthly now, starting in August. Fast forward, invites me down for Valentine’s Day. I arrive the 7th, to stay 10 days. On the 4th day there he says he has a meeting to attend at 6:30. I notice he’s texting someone at 5:45 relentlessly. He leaves at 6:10. I wait until 7:45, no answer to call or text. 8:15, same. 8:30, same. 8:45 I text that I don’t enjoy sitting there alone. No answer. I call at 9, says he’s 7 minutes away. I suspect something else was up. Overnight I look at the cell, phone full of women’s names and numbers. The next day he gets sick at work, yet we go to purchase a very expensive soundbar. On the way home we argue because the gas needle is behind red, the light is on, I pull over to stop for gas, he says it’s his car, he has enough to get 20 miles to home. We get gas near home.
Get home, 2 to 3 hours later he’s telling me that I won’t follow his “orders” and that he “fears” that will be the case in the future, and that he wants to date other women! My 5th day there, with five days to go before my flight, Valentine’s Day 2 days away! We argue, and he flew into a rage when he found out I looked at his phone, and I say some terrible hurtful things to him because of the way he’s hurt me. He broke my phone. He doesn’t want to pay the 400 to change the flight, nor 140 for broken phone. I stay 2 more days, fly home. During those nights, he leaves me there alone, sees his women friends, won’t answer any of my calls or texts, I have no phone, just a sitting duck. I have never in my life had a man to be so rude to me. It was horrible and scary.
He sends these ugly texts and voicemails, none of which I responded to. He changed his number, then decides to call me ranting some more and gave left the new number for me. Then he texts and asks if I want to try it one more time, he can’t shake me; the next day text that he’s baffled as to why we broke up.
I really have no questions after reading all of this stuff. He’s never told me he was bipolar, I saw the symptoms, then I saw the medication, then he told me after a year of talking that he was taking Seroquel as a sleep aid and it was making him fat, and that he was going to stop taking it.
There are so many more of the above symptoms I could discuss that I saw throughout the blog, but it’s not necessary. Anyone dating a bipolar person I think gets the drift and is relieved probably just to know that “it wasn’t me”!!
I responded to his text by saying the first few days were really great, that I enjoyed them, but that I too am baffled as to what it was all about. I haven’t gotten a call or a single text since my reply. This is the very short version, there’s much more.
I love him, don’t know what to do with somebody like this. Nice person with issues, but so does every “sane” person. Just don’t know what to think or do! Baffled ………….
Oh, and btw, he actually was out on a date with the new girl 25 miles away while I was waiting! Couldn’t believe that he actually went on a date while I was home cooking dinner and waiting for him to come back! This was on the 4th day of my visit, after such a beautiful Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and partial Tuesday … about-face! 180- …. The arrogant, belligerent, brutal brute that he became was unimaginable!
Last thing, I spent countless hours, time and money building him up, encouraging him to become more, only for him to become successful and do a 180- and say oh well, think I want to spend all of this goodness on someone else now! Great job, you! (meaning me)
In all honesty, I think these articles are great. However, I think you make us BPD girlfriends sound more manipulative and monstrous than we actually are. I would really, really appreciate it if you could actually touch on the thought processes of the BPD mind more often, because you offer a lot of talk about misunderstanding the girlfriend, and not quite enough on what there actually is to understand. Seriously though, these are great and the only thing holding me back from forwarding your articles to my other half is the fact that there is way too much emphasis on protecting oneself. I agree that is key to survival, but a relationship really should not be about survival.
I agree Chloe, relationships are not about survival — they’re about growth and having fun! Like I always say, every Borderline is different. Some are insane, others are quiet and such. This is why it’s best to just focus on the individual behaviors that are coming your way. That’s why I have a lot of different articles and such where I focus on different behaviors and whatnot.
Why don’t you share what personally goes on in your mind? I think that would be great :)
I “dated” someone I met online for almost exactly a year to the date who certainly met the above criteria. I stayed because of the porn like sex and thought I fell in love but realize non e of it was true, just a lie. I’d say run as fast as you can to a therapist and away from your personality disordered lover. It’s just not worth what can happen when they turn you black and rage, rage, rage! Mine went from wanting to go to Vegas and get married, claiming I was her greatest love ever in life to calling the police and accusing me of DV when I peacefully came to her home to give her apartment keys back after we broke up. She seriously lost her shit and after I was in jail proceeded to get drunk and behave like a whore. I estimate she had sex with over 20 people (men and women) in the year we “dated”. It may say worth it but this is the reality of how they can and will destroy other peoples lives and still claim to be the victim.
Lol well this is what happens when sex becomes a huge deal for you. Sex is like 30 minutes of a 24 hour day. So it’s literally a very tiny part of what a relationship consists of. The guys who fail with Borderlines/Bipolar tend to be the guys who put way too much weight on the sex…
Wife of 20 years. Bi polar 1. Constant ups and downs. Financial nightmares. Neglect of children and home. Drug abuse. Alcohol abuse. Drove me nuts. Literally. I didn’t come to understand this disorder until after she left following an affair. I would fight and verbally abuse her endlessly when she lied or neglected her responsibilities. I just didn’t understand what was happening. Now in hindsight I wish I did. She never took her medicine and constantly marginalized the severity of her illness.
Now after a horrid break, following several years of a crappy, loveless marriage I have found my own sanity again. Hell, I voluntarily submitted to ECT to eliminate my depression. It worked. Now separated from my wife I have decided to attempt a reconciliation. She is now taking her medicine and is clearly stable. Although she said she has not been ‘in love’ with me for two years she still doesn’t know if she wants to divorce.
I am spending a weekend with her soon (a date) and am seeking advice on how I should proceed. What is craziest of all is as soon as my depression lifted my life got infinitely better and my love and desire for her came pouring back in like a torrent. Am I nuts to try and salvage this thing? There are kids involved, too. She leapt at the idea of the date.
Hey this is easy man, just be yourself and have a good time on the weekend. What I mean by this is that for your date, just keep it chill, enjoy your time together, don’t be trying to hook up with her or anything like. Just enjoy your time together, keep it simple and relaxed. No pressure. Just enjoy yourselves. Have zero expectations. No judgments, no arguments. Leave the past in the past.
I’m currently in despair over what to do in regards to my husband. We have been together 8years and I have known all along that he has bi polar but over time has had reason to suspect BPD and definitely alcoholism. We’re currently living apart and I am raising our 3 small children alone because he is exceptionally unstable.
Don’t get me wrong, he can be a truly beautiful person but for the last couple of years the bad has outweighed the good. It’s not just a emotional roller coaster, it’s unbearable torture for all involved.
I have love, supported, ignored and excused. I have become distant and mute because of how he has treated me and after having the police take my children and I away from one of his violent ‘episodes’ I’m not so quick to believe his ” I’m sorry” .. “it will never happen again” speech.
I am now left to question though, Did/do I even know him at all? And what do I do now? Stay or go.
I see a lot of his characteristics within other members of his family too. His mother is a compulsive liar who feels the need to manipulate and control everyone. She often tries to hide behind religion and although seems to come across as a very well presented woman, she does in fact have other ulterior motives that only benefit herself. As for his sister who’s in her 30’s and also diagnosed with bi polar. Is it normal to sleep in the same bed as your mother?
I often wonder if this is why he is like he is. I do feel somewhat sorry and pity towards him but then the other sides to him quickly change my view.
I have been forcefully pinned to my bed, gripped by my throat whilst pregnant and dragged by my hair- all in which my husband doesn’t remember. I have been mocked and belittled in front of friends and family to the point where they refuse to see me unless it’s away from him. My children have witnessed him punch walls, throw objects across the room and lash out at the dog- I rehomed her out of fear that his next ‘episode’ may kill her.
He self medicates with alcohol, he’s obsessive and controlling to the extent that he ordered me to ‘go to bed’ like you would a child.
I left not because I didn’t love him but out of safety for all. I don’t want my children witnessing anymore than what they have and to be honest to save my own sanity as living with him seems to cause me to lose myself.
Since we have been living apart he has deliberately scalded himself and has mixed medication and alcohol to cope with his suicidal thoughts. He has now started to beg for me to take him back, promising me everything from stopping drinking and regularly taking his medication to even therapy for his anger but I’m truly lost. Can our marriage be saved?
I lived for so long in fear of my own life that I worry I won’t be able to find that love and trust I once had for him again.
You do what’s best for your children. Which to me it sounds like you gotta go. Enjoy your freedom from this man. Work on yourself, give your children the best environment you can. Having him away from your kids is a good thing for them, believe me.
Hi, I’ve been trying to figure out my recent situation. Out of the blue my high school boyfriend contacted me on Facebook, it’s been 25 years since we last saw each other. Turns out he lives 80 miles from me now, pure coincidence since we grew up 1,000 miles from here. We exchanged numbers started talking every night for 2-3 hours, after a few weeks we finally saw each other and spent the weekend in my city. We decided to be exclusive and picked up where we left off 25 years ago, it was sweet and amicable. Everything was wonderful then 2 months into it I asked him about a photo that was taken while I was out of town, he flipped out on me, started pacing the apartment yelling at me, his rage came out of nowhere, sobbing I left my apt for work when I returned he took all my food and my extra apt key! Back and forth texting fighting ensued for weeks. He says I disrespected him and his friends by asking about the photo, I said (after weeks of fighting about this stupid issue) he’s not reacting like an innocent person, I broke up with him then he’d reply trying to manipulate me “I’m going to show You that you can’t just say anything to people and disrespect my friends” in reality I simply asked “baby, who’s this?”.
Back story, we dated in high school and I was bullied by a girl who liked him too, eventually it ended I never told him about he bullying. So, 5 years ago he married said bully, he started seeing her after being away for 20 years. He’s bipolar, takes lithium, has therapy once/week, there were absolutely no signs of his BP until that one day he flipped out about a photo, smh… Also, when we reconnected he told me he was in the middle of a divorce, he’s been separated 14 mos, etc and I just finished radiation treatment for cancer, I’m fragile, in pain and trying to deal with his abusive words. In the middle of this tornado I had a feeling something was off, so I found the divorce records online and the court records show that he reconciled with said bully/wife last August!! Furious at this I emailed the wife and had it out with him. So, it was an awful few months, why would this mutherf***** reach out to me after 25 years, initiate a relationship with me? Lie to me about his wife? All while I’m recovering from cancer treatment? I am still trying to understand wtf I did for this to happen!
In the beginning of our fight I was trying to make up with him, just move on from this, it turned into a horrible exchange over a period of 5 weeks, I blocked him on FB and my phone. How does a person go from wonderful to a monster instantly? I don’t think he’s bipolar, possibly BPD or a psychopath. Also, I’ve dated other sociopaths in the past, I know what red flags to look for, how did this turn sooooo bad so fast??
It turned bad because this guy clearly has issues that are far bigger than you. At least you got out early before it got serious so give yourself a pat on the back for that. But there’s really no reason to fight back over a period of 5 weeks so you got to take responsibility for that. You’re an adult, why would you engage in a 5 week argument? That is just silly. You gotta be the bigger person when you’re dealing with irrational individuals, they’re like 5 year old children. Would you sit and argue with a 5 year old? Nah, you’d probably laugh which is what you should have done to this guy, called him out for being such a big baby and how you’re going to hide candy from him for a week.
Hi, I was dating this 36 year old woman who I believe had bpd… A friend told she thinks she’s BPD almost two years ago, but I didn’t want to believe and never read up on it.
We broke up in August of 2014 after snooping through my phone to find things. She made me out to be a cheater cause my Facebook activity showed me liking random video posts and a friend request like two a girl a thought knew. She held that info in for a couple of days and exploded on me one night saying she’s done like several times in the past for petty things that deserve a talk but escalate into something they never should have.
After this last break up,
she randomly harassed me with smart a$$ comments, or start trying to talk to me again through whatever angle only to blow up again.
I didn’t pay it any mind at the time because I let her go like she wanted and was trying to move forward. In the past, usually, some event would happen were end up together hanging out, next thing I know we are back together. Throughout the years, I’ve loved this woman so much but always had trouble with the emotional rollacoaster. The hater phase would more than not end up in break up and the cycle continues.
Throughout the years, her number one thing to randomly attack me over was that we never moved forward. I never proposed to her. My stance was always, give me som time without leaving and I’ll happily propose.
We never could accomplish that. I realize now a lot of that was my fault because of how I treated her. Not bad, but after the initial high of a week or two being together, I believe I curves my behavior to go into a protective shell waiting for her to blow up over something and leave.
I wish I knew what I’ve learned reading up on all these comments and experiences.
Here’s where our current situation is.
I heard a rumor from a distant friend that she was sleeping with my old best friend when we were broken up. I came at her pretty aggressive trying to get to the bottom of it for about a week off and on. She acted nuts when I confronted her, but change the subject and it was almost like I never questioned her.
Before even questioning her, I wanted her back, but was trying to be strong. Now after re-analyzing our entire relationship after the news. I decided I wanted her back at any cost.
Anyway, needless to say, my head was not in the right place trying to talk to her about getting back together. I felt like if we moved forward and I proposed and we started working on a wedding date it would, remove a lot of bitterness from not moving forward in the past and help ease her insecurities.
Needless to say, I was so wrong. I made all the classic mistakes that I typically would not have made in the past. She immediately brought a new guy into the picture that she met two weeks prior to me questioning her.
I stopped by her house to talk to her and say a goodbye which went ok. We hugged and i left. On way home had car trouble and called her for help. She first said she was coming to get me, but later told me she was not. I ended up walking to her house, charged my phone, got a cab home.
Next thing I know, I have a restraining order against me stating a one sided embellished story that paints a completely different picture.
I immediately went and filed a counter one against her based off irrational threatening txts to me and the false reports. She made it sound like we weren’t communicating at all and I just randomly did the things I did while she had me blocked.
Her order of protection was passed previously this month, but mine against her was pushed out to next week. The temp order of protection is still in place. I don’t know whether to drop it or push to get it against her since she did it to me. My first instinct is to drop it because I love her, but on the other hand if I do that, I believe I play into her and come across weak when me being weak and putting myself out there too much is what got me into this situation.
Knowing what I know now about BPD… Is scary, but makes me want her even more cause now I have knowledge and understanding for myself (instead of per confusion) and their obviously is help out there for this.
I’m real that it’s most likely over, but hard to believe after all the history and getting back together in the weirdest ways.
Ideally, we both drop the bs, turn the intensity to great intimacy like we have so many times in the past, but this time move forward and get the needed mental help for both of us.
Obviously, that maybe just a dream at this point which is fine, but I want to insure the rest that I’ll do will be more calculated to one not make me the enemy, but also not the overly nice tolerant white horse.
Curious of what your thoughts and how me putting an order of protection against her like she did. Or just telling the judge this was the result of an overdue relationship fight and I’m not threatened by her. What are the pros and cons from how she will interpret each path in the long run? What are your thoughts?
I mean you basically sent a restraining order as well which I think was pretty cool lol. So in all honesty, the best move here is to just keep that order going and ignore her. Like I rarely advocate no contact, but this is one of those cases where you should go no contact with her for a bit. If she reaches out to you, then you can slooooowly amp it up over time. Basically she’s gotta drop the order before you give her ANY attention, okay? This is to protect you first and foremost, and for her to know you aren’t going to easily talk to her.
Hi Rick….i was engaged to a woman. ..for about six months. .the six months were characterized by an intense relationship. ….with her having unrealistic abandonment fears…like crying in my arms saying she is so afraid to lose me…and when i realize how much better i am than her i will be gone just like everyone else. I reassured i would never leave her…and i would be just as hurt. She would tell me things like i was her best friend and i believed it..i felt the same way…she told me she would never leave me….she constantly changed her hair Color. .probably 6 times in 7 Months….told me how much she liked change…constantly rearranged her furniture. After the first time we made love she cried and told me she was damaged. ..i held her tight all night trying to console her..the second weekend we were together we went out dancing with her friends. .when we came home and went to bed she cried for about an hour and told me she loved me..i held her and tried to comfort her…in spite of that she was so fun to be with i fell in love with her deeply. ..when we weren’t together she texted me and sent me love memes 4 or 5 times a day. She told me i was her best friend and i felt the same..this went on for about 7 months. ..then for the last 3 weeks we were together. .she would say things like what’s wrong with me…i just don’t want to do anything. …i don’t even want to get out of bed. She seemed depressed. .she was on 4 different meds…and one of them were changed about the same time she started doing that…the last weekend we were together. .i saw a side of her i never seen before. …her daughter s boyfriend. .told her daughter that he didn’t give a fu.. what she did …he didn’t care do whatever you want . My fiance said something like if that had been you or us …she would be done…i said you would break up with me over a sentence? And she said nobody talks to me that way…i was kind of shocked…the day before she broke up with me she texted me saying i was the love of her life….and sent love memes all day…the next day she broke up with me in a text saying she shouldn’t base us on her past but she sees red flags…i tried to call her but she refused to answer. ..i was devastated.She sent all my belongings in the mail 2 days later. I have tried to reach out to her several times through text..most of the time she doesn’t respond. ..i sent her stuff for Valentine’s day. …she texted that it pissed her off. …i told her she acts like 2 different people. ..your crying in my arms afraid to lose me and you throw me away. ..like we never existed. ..refuse to even talk to me..i said you are cold and heartless. That made her really angry. I texted the next day i was sorry….and that my grief got the best of me….no reply.about 2 weeks went by..then i Texted her that i met someone else..which i had not.. gambling that if she had feeling s for me she would respond. ..she did and said if i were sincerely sorry and not have lashed out at her she would’ve comeback..but now her walls are up to protect herself from me..and they are never coming back down. So i sent her a 4 page letter explaining why i said what i said…and told her i was aware that her issues and fears of her past are very real and we can even go get counseling together. I also sent her all of her favorite chocolate s as an apology gesture. ..her response was that i don’t even get the problem because i apologize and justify in the same sentence. ..and how could she expect us to be any different when you don’t respect my wishes enough to back off. ..she said she wanted no further contact from me. I said i will not contact you again and it finally sunk in that you want nothing more to do with me. Rick….i just don’t understand stand how someone can just flip overnight and refuse to even speak to you…after 8 months of acting crazy about me….i want her back so much it hurts …what do i do?
I can’t really help you man. Take this as a big learning experience. But you really did everything wrong with this girl from the very beginning, you broke every rule in the book and did everything that only pushes women away. So like I said, just use this as a learning experience going forward. Hit me up for coaching if you want me to go into detail about this because I really can’t write on all the things you did wrong, it would take a while man. You have a lot of mindset issues that would need to be addressed and a complete overhaul of the way you think about relationships. That’s why you attract these types of women…
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years now, and i have always been very supportive and caring to my boyfriend who has bpd, he got diagnosed for bpd 5 months ago. My childhood has been difficult because i grew up with my mom who also has bpd, i had a rough childhood moving from home to home since i ended up in the child welfare and was places in foster homes. anyways my point is that we both had a rough childhood and releasing that my boyfriend had bpd made a lot of sense since our relationship has been like a roller coaster, don’t get me wrong he can be a amazing person, so supportive and caring some days and some othr days suddenly he can make a tiny dicussion into a big one, twist my word, make me feel like i am the problem, call me mean names. i started to believe like was the problem of this relationship and i spend so much time into helping him, that i forgot to take care of myself since i care so much for the people around me. i always put them first than me, and i released that was wrong. i started having health issues like my weight, i had several depressions and felt where i wanted to kill myself cause i felt worthless. there have been several times where i tried to leave him but when that happend he has threaten, manipulated me, tried to hurt himself (which would make it difficult to leave him since i care for him, and don’t want anything bad to happend to him. after 7 years he is much more mature but we still have a lot of rollercoasters in our relationship. i came to the point where i feel lost, i don’t know how to act, how i am or how to be around him since when i try to help him and be around him normally i am either too kind he says or i nag too much since he can’t take care of himself at times so i need to remind him too do what is important else it go weeks before him getting anything done. we broke up 3 months ago and now we are together again.. i just don’t know how long i can deal with all of this, i am going to therapy now to focus on myself and to get advice how to deal with this, i just had to confirm also that if i was the problem in the relationship.. i just dont know if i should stay with him or not, even though i love him with all my heart and i know he is the one for me. but i dont know if i am strong enough to go through this anymore, yet i am scared to end it also. some advice/thoughts would be nice.
What I really want to know is if your boyfriend knows he has issues? Does he try to work on himself or is he in pure denial?
I will try to put this a short as possible. I need your help please. My girlfriend of two years and I have broken up, AGAIN. Recently, and I hate to put the label on her, but have determined she is BPD, with the exception of being suicidal, she checks off every other bit of criteria. It’s been a very emotional roller coaster ride. I left the town we lived in to get away, I didn’t think I could handle her seeing and being with other men. I think it would have driven me crazy. Ever since I have left, we have stayed in contact. She tells me she loves me, but then will go on and on about how bad and mean I was to her???????? I will admit I did stand up for myself, sometimes with anger, my mistake. I never realized what I was dealing with, until recently. Rick, I do love her a lot, so much so, I have asked myself do I have the emotional stability to handle this type of relationship. Can I train my mind and my spirit to learn how to live and love this women and still be happy. Although I can not say 100%, I truly believe I can. She can be the most loving and respectfully person in the world, but during the times she is raging, she can be the meanest. I would like to try to get her to forgive me “in her mind”, for my anger and my hurting her, and try to move forward with a new learned perspective of her and how to handle the relationship. However, she seems to change the story, and takes no responsibility for her actions, and makes everything my fault. I am tired of the arguing, and well, I don’t know, I would like to move forward and start applying the things I am learning from you blog, and start again. Is that possible? Can you help? Although we text, talk on the phone, and almost Skype everyday, it always seems to go back to the past, and the things “I did” that hurt her. Sorry to be redundant but, can you help me?
Well I have my course and personal coaching that can help. But your mindset of trying to help her isn’t going to work. Do you even know what you did wrong? You should start by telling her to shut up about the past and move on. Tell her that if she can’t let go of the past, then you’re going to quit talking to her. Tell her that.
As a woman with BPD, telling us to “shut up and move on” is a good way to set us off. I am currently in a relationship that is damaged but fixable. In my mind, what that statement would mean is “I don’t care what you have to say or how you feel… you need to forget about all the wrong I have done.” Now, I have progressed in treating my disorder enough to know that this may not be what you mean. However, that would be the first reaction running through my mind. I am to the point where I can step back and realize what people REALLY mean and what my disorder is leading me to believe. Don’t get me wrong, there are times where my disorder’s symptoms send me into an emotional relapse, it’s just easier to calm down and look at the reality of the situation. Also, I’d like to comment on the White Knight accusations. My boyfriend of almost a year has had this mentality for a while and I can see how for certain relationships, this mindset is unhealthy, but lumping “BPD’S” together and saying that this is wrong for ALL BPD relationships is inaccurate. I hope I’m not crossing any lines, but for the longest time, I couldn’t love myself. Having him around, loving me, and being constant was exactly what I needed, I had always feared that he would leave me once he witnessed the extent of my disorder. But now, I find myself recognizing what’s me… and what is my disorder. I think you have it wrong with the facade… the “fantasy” in my opinion is the real us, and the raging emotional wrecks that we turn into? that’s something thats part of us but doesn’t make up who we are. I am learning to share my life with my partner instead of taking over my partner’s life. Some people don’t want to be saved, that is true. But I just wanted to introduce a new outlook to you. Not everyone with BPD is consumed by their BPD. Some, like me, search for someone to pull us up and not take care of us… but help us take care of ourselves. I’m sorry if any of this is offensive to anyone, I just thought it was relevant.
Yes my wording isn’t the best. I would never literally tell her to “shut up” and move on UNLESS she is raging at me. I would fight back with fire, but that’s just me. I really like your comment altogether because it shows that everyone is different. While you enjoy having your “white knight” boyfriend, there are also just as many women that would be repulsed by it, regardless of BPD. So I agree with you as I always say to treat each person as their own unique individual. If she likes the white knight, then by all means do it. But generally, women are repulsed by it. So that’s why I teach it as general advice in an article :)
I want to ask you your advice. I dated a boy for 3 years. At least 3 times he showed me a side that terrified me. I am as shy and sensitive as I am full of love and hope and maybe even ‘white knight’ness, as Rick calls it, too. But my love doesn’t acknowledge his problem OR seek any help for it. He isolates himself and I have fallen into that pattern as well. I love to be a homebody but I feel sad when I’m surrounded by the complaining about everyone I know and love. I decided to leave him. It hurts immensely but I feel like our relationship wont work unless he gets help, which he flat out refuses to do. I feel unsafe, unhealthy and unhappy. He is a beautiful soul but this… Pain… It scares me and I hate when its directed toward me. I tried so hard. Is there hope of us getting back together and making it work? Without him getting professional help is it possible for it to work and for both of us to be happy? If so, how? I also wonder if he will ever decide to get help but I know you can’t answer for him.
Relationships are really 50/50. Even if you were the most healthy human being on the planet, if he absolutely refused to get help for himself, that’s his own responsibility and you have no control over that, nor should you. So my bigger concern for you is your feelings of sadness around others. You’ve got codependency problems as in you’re affected by the opinions and feelings of those around you. This can lead to unhealthy way of living as you’re experiencing, which is why it’s important to distance yourself from negative people, even family. It’s tough but really work on your Codependency. I’m making a course on this entire psychological illness as we speak so I do hope you’ll return in the near future and check it out :)
I have been in a relationship with a BPD and Depressive woman for about 3 years now. I was ignorant to facts about being with someone with BPD until last summer. Our relationship hits on almost every point you made in this blog. Until recently I have had white night syndrome, I did NOT establish boundaries. Now that I have made this realization (Over the past 4 months or so) I have been trying to kindly enforce boundaries (like actually going out of the house) and stop trying to be her savior. Unfortunately she does not react well to this. She is angry and becomes depressed when i try and do anything for myself, she will just go to bed. She tries to act like I am an idiot and berates me for not ‘understanding her’. I do love her dearly but i am calling it quits. we have both stopped growing as people because of this issue. MY thoughts are consumed by this now. another wrench in this case is the fact that we abruptly moved 1600 miles away from all of her family and mine- this triggered her into depression (This was 2 years ago). Now, I do not know to encourage her to move back or not. IF we break up, there is no way she will stay here. AHHH complications! please, any advice would help.
Hmmm, it’s tough because you can’t really encourage her. You just need to tell her that she needs to do what she feels is best for herself and if that means ending the relationship, moving back, etc. then tell her you support her decision 100%. That’s what I would do personally.
Adear rick, very straight forward site. Hope you can give me some advice.. i,m a 70 year old woman dating a bi polar man of same age for 6 months. He,s been in a high to extreme high pase all the time i,ve known him, so i have yet to see the depressive side. We blend very well in ALL areas. So far, hes treated me with gentleness, kindness and respect. He,s told me he,d like to get married at some future, although not necessarily to me. I really don,t want marriage.. been there, done that.., and i have no desire to live with someone either. I,m pretty independent and have been for a very long time, but i really enjoy the close relationship he and i have together and would hate to see it end. I,ve had 2 very long term relationships since being married, so i know i can have a close loving friendship without having to be married or living together. I,ve seen his manic symptoms.. the extreme rapid speech, the horrible insomnia, the over the top energy, the hypersexuality, and i can deal with all of that. What does trouble me .. in the past month, he has begun self medicating with more alcohol than previously.. because of sheer exhaustion, i think. He does take meds. I,m not a fixer. But, alcohol is what ruined my 25 year marriage, and i don,t want to go there again. Should i speak up? What should i expect when the high wears off and the other phase sets in? Should i just enjoy what we have together now, and not expect a future together? He,s important in my life, and i believe i am to him as well.. at least for now. What do you foresee in your crystal ball? Lol
Yeah addiction of any kind can be dangerous as you know. You’re an independent woman which is good so my suggestion is that if he’s drinking or drunk, then just don’t be around him. Feel free to share stories of the past with him about how alcohol ruined your previous relationships. Hopefully this will send a good message, but there’s no guarantees unfortunately. The key is to not be a fixer. It’s actually better to distance yourself from addicts so they can make mistakes on their own and learn from them.
I’m currently dating a girl who has BPD2 for months. She’s an amazing girl who accept who she is and trying to have passion in her life. I’m really in love with this girl but I have no idea whether I can handle this relationship well when her depression kicks in. I always tell her that if or when you’re not fine, let me know. So I will know that I need to handle the situation in a more appropriate way. I understand the idea of not being a white knight, which you can’t really fix her but to accept who she is. More importantly, she wanted to have a family so do I. But another challenge that we will face is the baby might inherit her sickness. She doesn’t want her sickness to pass on to her baby. I’m still trying to educate myself more on her problem. Hope that I can handle this relationship well because I really love her.
The baby can’t inherit anything because BPD isn’t a genetic problem. It’s purely psychological. So the best case scenario is that your girlfriend gets her issues handled before having children. If you really want to help her, the way you do it is you let her understand how important self-improvement is to YOU. Meaning that you’re always being a man of growth. This behavior of yours will rub off onto her due to the laws of attraction. So you need to make self-improvement a part of your lifestyle. Depression is usually caused by a lack of desire to live. Why does this happen? No goals, unsure of their path, lack of self-worth, etc. So to heal these problems, you must have goals and feel valuable.
Wait a minute… After all studies I have read, you said BPD can’t be inherit? I don’t get it, I found there are so many articles that shows the possibility of children inherit from their parent and yet you said it does inherit? May I know where did you get this source from? I really need to read it. Moreover, you got a very good point. Depression may cause or lead to lack of desire to live. Helping her to find the purpose to live do help her to overcome the pain during and trying to have the will to live. But, she tells me her BPD Depression is more like a physically disorder where she can’t just recover from counseling but she really needs medication to avoid or delay the relapse. Dear Rick, please show me more readings that BPD is not genetic problem but psychological. Million of thanks!
All I said is that it isn’t genetic. It’s a psychological disorder. It’s like PTSD where your experiences change your mind. So imagine being a child growing up in an environment with BPD-like parents. You’re probably going to inherit it as well, right? It’s a good thing that it’s not genetic because it allows you to develop your own life and raise your own children your own way that’s healthy. If you want to believe it’s genetic, then you’re just accepting that you can’t do anything for future children you may have. And that’s a terrible mindset to have.
What’s also interesting is that BPD might not even be real. There are many studies coming out that suggest BPD isn’t even true. It’s just a series of symptoms which is what I’ve been saying for years… As always, focus on the symptoms. Not the disorder.
Wow… Rick, I felt like I’m being crashed by a truck now. Well, somehow you got the point. I’ll continue to look into this issue and figure things out. Thanks a lot.
Haha, well my job isn’t to sweet talk people. I was doing that for the past couple of years and while it may have got me some fans, the reality is that the hard truths are what last. So expect more hard truths going forward. Get on my email list if this excites you (which it should!).
Last year I met this girl who is suffering from bi-polar disorder at the start I was clueless but since she was in my radar I was all fine and thought she won’t sideline me. But after sometime she started to detach herself from me and I read about this illness in great detail due to which I become extra protective towards her and at the same time I was going through a very bad stage in my life.
I tried to reach out to her she said she needs her space and will be back once I give her that. After sometime I did communicate with her but still no concrete reply but I love her and yes I read your article about perfection you feel with these people at the start and you drop your weapons down. I did that exactly and I suffered. Until off late on her birthday I sent her gifts I just could talk to her once and she did hear me and did say that she would talk to me but she didn’t later. After many confrontations until now it doesn’t even end nor its going further. I asked her in the last conversation if she is dating anyone and if she is I will leave right away, she declined straight away. After some time through someone I came to know she is seeing this guy but hasn’t told me so.
Its like she has found spark in many guys but after sometime it all fizzes out. Like she was just stuck with this guy for hours on whatsapp late night but now she is like detached again. Which I have figured out till now because all guys aren’t like me who will understand her illness and will stick by. I understand her completely I committed some mistakes and she also has but I have grown from them. I had posted my problem before but it got lost somewhere where you said FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
Trust me before it was very tough to stay away from talking to her I used to make a complete fuck about me before. Now last I had pinged her on April 19th which she didn’t reply, I said to myself I have done enough now ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I remembered your magical words FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
On May 9th she pings me but I ignored because I knew she was just trying to gain attention which
she was getting all this while just stopped.
This has been the case till now I love her I will accept her if she comes back but will talk when she comes back substantially to me. I promise I won’t repeat the mistakes ever like before.
Please guide how I can build myself in the process before she comes back to me! I know this story is incomplete and she has to come back to me I am sure but destiny is a fickle minded bitch.
I haven’t pinged her and will never reach out to her until she reaches out. I love her RICK I really do. I accept all her faults and mine too.
I rest my case.
The problem is that deep down you’re really just doing it to get her back. That’s the problem. You can’t actually improve until you want to improve just for you – and not for her.
ex of 3 months is dating new guy who is a loser and using her the way you can use a BPD. We were together ten years and of course in BPD fashion she had a new boyfriend in about 2 weeks.
I’ll be honest, if/when I get her back I wont treat her the same. Broke my heart, but still want to be with her.
She came to get the last of her stuff last night, I played her well. First, she had me bring down a big box of all her clothes, she had me put them on top of the 2 jackets the new guy got her for her birthday – both jackets were cheap. She started telling me how the new guy is spending all her money (she has a good job, and he works part time for min).
I had her in the palm of my hands by the end of the night when I made her leave.
Fast forward to today, I pocket dialed her – she blocked my number then.
Managed a partial salvage by sending a text that she replied to only because I did so well last night. I then replied to her reply with a put down/validation. But the pocket dial really fucked things up.
Should I go NC for a few weeks and let the put down/validation text sit there. Any other advice?
Don’t play games. You can’t control her so she’s going to do what she wants to do. There’s nothing you can do about that. You’re blaming things on a pocket dial, lol. That had nothing to do with the situation you’re in.
Been in a relationship with a bipolar BPD female with an eating disorder for three years. She’s not the deceptive type, she just has trouble controlling her emotions, especially anger. She’s hyper aware of this, has been getting DBT therapy for the past two years, and has been making improvements. We had talked about marriage/house/kids which I was okay with at first but then I started to have serious doubts after one of her depression induced rage sessions which lasted two days. That combined with fear for what our someday-kids might go though and a bit of cold feet on my part, made me break up with her and move out without really trying to confront her and talk things out. A couple weeks later, I got the sick feeling that I was making a mistake since overall I’m happy with her and love her very much, so I did something impulsive, which is very unlike me, and that was to propose to her. She was very mature about the situation and didn’t say yes and didn’t say no, but said she wanted to take things slow since she was still hurt from the break up. Her parents love me very much, but mine aren’t so keen, they say they noticed some “pink flags” and have been trying to get me to move closer to them since they miss me, but would support me if I chose to be with her. I’m planning on dating her again and seeing how things go, but wanted to get some advice since I’m torn between getting back together with her (likely for the long haul) and moving away to be closer to my family in Illinois (she would never move to Illinois for a variety of legit reasons). Thoughts, recommendations, tips?
Well DBT therapy doesn’t work, that’s why you still see her same behavior 2 years later. You got to take care of yourself first. So think about what you really want deep down and go for that.
I’m a borderline dating another borderline, and we…. well, we sort of violated every rule on this list except no. 2 and somehow managed to stay together. Is this some sort of odd, almost-magical anomaly, or could there be an explanation for it all?
(if you need more information on what we’re like)
She’s the withdrawn, “I hate everyone else but it looks like I’ve imprinted on you, so now I’ll apologize for existing with no visible cause” type of person, and I’m more the “you didn’t text me back and therefore you are most likely dead or breaking up with me and now I’m having a panic attack because you didn’t hear your phone ringing and I’m too scared of being alone to leave but by god I will not be left first” type. How on earth has this worked for so long? What’s going on? This is the kind of relationship that makes me even more confused about the existence of higher powers: on one hand, it shouldn’t work without outside help, and on the other, what deity in their right mind would set us up?
Lol well as I always say, like attracts like. So because you two are very similar at your emotional level, you two are a compatible despite all the issues. So I’m not surprised at all to be honest.
I very recently broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months. When I met her I knew she was troubled, but was made to believe it was from sexual abuse at a young age and from the PTSD that accompanied it. As we delved further into the relationship, I learned that as a young girl she had also slept with strangers for money, she felt terrible shame for this and it attributed to her flashbacks and PTSD. Other than her being a constant emotional wreck, our relationship seemed fine. We were both super in love and were together almost 24/7, rarely going a day without each other. I’d often be sad, and depressed about how messed up my girlfriend was, but would give all the love I could and try to make her feel better/raise her self esteem. Her “anxiety” attacks and freaking out sessions started becoming more common, and shed very quickly go from being depressed to freaked out to super horny all in one day. Her doctors began to prescribe mood stabilizers, which never properly worked because she would develop terrible rashes and allergies to them before she could get the helpful affects on the brain. Her psychiatrist said she had bipolar symptoms. A few weeks ago, I had to pull long hours at a new job so I couldn’t see her for two days. I told her that as soon as I got off work on the second day I’d go straight to her house, and I could tell she was freaking out. She completely ignores me for the next two days after that, and is completely missing to me, her entire family and the few friends she has. Eventually she texts me, acting like everything was normal. Once I spoke to her on the phone I got it out of her…. She cheated on me with some druggie who was sold her Xanax… She also told me she slept with people for money when I had to attend my grandfathers funeral in a different state. Naturally I broke up with her on the spot, but continued to worry to death about her because she gets insanely suicidal and was hanging out with stupid drug dealer kids who have loaded guns on them. Their giving her as much drugs as she wants and she’s giving them sex. She was in a completely manic state since the day she cheated on me, and was acting completely out of character the whole time. None of these people she left me for know or understand her condition and what she’s capable of, so I told her parents what they’re daughter was doing, and they got her arrested and forced into a mental hospital. She was that crazed, attacking them physically for trying to help her. I know how much she loved me, and I know all the cheating was induced by mania. I can only imagine the horrible feelings of regret she has, not to mention the fact that she’s in a mental hospital and going through withdrawals from not being high all the time. I feel all levels of messed up, like it’s sort of my fault for breaking up with her, and that if I stayed with her through the mania she wouldn’t have had such an intense breakdown, not to mention the stress she’s given to her family and friends who would turn to me when they had problems with her. I still love this girl, but I think it would be too difficult to keep her in my life. I’m not sure when she’ll be out of the hospital, as this all happened in a matter of three weeks. I have the feeling that I should walk away from this completely, maybe focusing on my own problems and finding someone new
Could you give me any advice? I wish I read your blog earlier.
Thanks in advance,
Well what does your gut tell you? Ignore your heart for a minute and look at what your gut is telling you to do. Is it saying to cut her off and leave her be?
very informative article. I also have the experienced about BDP relationship with my ex gf. thank you for giving us the knowledge about BPD. more power! God Bless! :)
Thanks Drake! Love your music! :P
My ex girlfriend who has bi polar broke up with me after 8 months, Not only does she have bi polar but she’s also a recovering drug addict. Been clean for a year..she broke up with me claiming she needs to focus on recovery. But l later found out the truth myself that she was seeing someone else. 3 weeks after our break up she moves the guy in. Her longest relationship seems to never last past 8 or 9 months . Does bi polar play a roll in this ?
Absolutely it does. I don’t write about bipolar much because it’s more a genetic illness than anything else and very hard to treat. BPD is much easier to treat in my opinion. But either way, what she did to you isn’t uncommon even with ‘normal’ women. It actually happens all the time. People date until they meet someone new, and BAM they dump you lol. Happens all the time.
And then they dump that person, come back to you, you no longer want them, onto the next person, who they dump, and so on and so on. Until they realise…oh wait I’m 60 and still haven’t found the right person & then realise….oh wait (when it’s too late) maybe it WAS MY FAULT all along!
My (supposed BPD ex) who has a schizophrenic Mom (who is an old single lady with 2 dogs) has just started dating her work colleague. I was stupidly trying to rebuild our relationship as “friends” and then this happened. Partly my fault no doubt but I still love this girl so much and don’t know what to do. I did display submissive behaviour and not respecting myself which i see now. I worked on my own self but now it is too late it seems. This guy is in for a shock, that’s all I know. I think the thing is that she has told me that she feels abandoned by everyone in her life and I was trying to show her (not give her advice) but just show her that I would be there for her no matter what….and all it did was backfire. There is no winning really unless I just become a complete douche…then maybe she will want me back :/
It’s not about winning or losing, it’s simply about accepting what is. You’re worried about this other guy, but why? Who cares, he’s going to do his own thing. Worry about your own life, your own needs and wants before you think about dating women. You’re wondering why the relationship failed, but you just said it right there: you were submissive and lost respect. That’s a deal breaker for women. They second they see you like that, the relationship is done.
My boyfriend is bipolar…and it seems that he is always the one trying to “play the white knight”. I had a failing marriage and he went as far as to try and save me from it. Anyways, that being in the past, before we entered a serious relationship, I had warned him about A.) Being in a relationship with me and how I am (I have a very quick and bad temper, if I ask you to stop, I expect you to stop,I won’t be nasty about i until after the 3rd or 4th time.. I will get angry ) He’s always had slight problems with personal boundaries but never got too emotional or moody, which I had expected to come eventually, after all he was my best friend before we started dating and I have had other friends of whom were bipolar (and worse off than him) Just under a year later, we have our first baby on the way and he’s been unbearably moody (and myself less filter) but he’s tried to convince me I am the irrational ones in our fights. He will go and purposely do something that annoys me (i.e touching my boobs, trying to tickle me, saying things that he knows bothers me) I will ask him 2-3 times nicely to stop, I will even tell him why…but after the 4th time I usually try to walk away (if he will let me) or sometimes I just lose it and leave to let things cool off. There have even been times where he will be sulking about something, I will ask him what’s wrong and he will start on his “nothing, don’t worry about it” spiel in a very melodramatic manner. Fine. I’ve learned I should “re-ask” him or else he considers me not caring what he is thinking. But then he will go off on how he dislikes my beliefs… or the fact that I am not an avid gay rights supporter or say something about finances that is in fact irrelevant being as we have figured out and planned what we are doing..but because he wants a poster or a certain shirt he wants to add it to the expenses /(which I have told him he can buy from his own pocket if he would like.. he is entitled to buy stuff he will use after all) I usually let him talk until they become personal attacks…again short temper…and I will tell him he is starting to push boundaries (there are other times where I will overreact ) but I don’t say much more than that…unless it’s finances in which case I will remind him about . He then goes and sighs telling me “never mind, you don’t get it” and when I ask him (which I’ve learned to just ignore him at this point) he will go on some pointless tangent about “how I don’t take responsibility…and yeah but… yada yada” AND THEN he will tell me about how he knows he loves me, (not to mention he doesn’t stop clinging to me) but that he feels emotionally shut down towards the world and that maybe we shouldn’t be together because it’s not fair to me (note: the baby was only half an accident…can you guess who knew what they were doing?) ….He also still goes and vents to his mom and dad after telling me he’s had a good day at work…which is not so much the problem…but is increasingly more irritating especially when he keeps bringing up the past, whether it be work, stuff that happened months ago that we have talked through, or even some of my behaviors which in most cases I have learned to control (With the exceptions..I am not perfect) Everyone thinks the baby will be good for him…and it will help him mature a little…which I am hoping. I just don’t find a point in having a family with somebody you can not at least in some ways be attached to. PS: I also forgot to mention I suffer from anxiety and depression.
I wouldnt get your hopes up with the baby. That’s just a fantasy, something in the future that hasn’t happened yet. So don’t be surprised if that doesn’t make things better. Understand that if he doesn’t make himself better, then nothing will change when the baby comes. He needs to get his shit together, grow up a bit and start taking some responsibility. In this current day and age, most of society is just vastly immature. So until people start getting their shit together and develop their own inner selves, it’s going to be very difficult for people to experience fulfilling relationships. This is why it’s important to choose good partners and not dramatic ones. I wish you the best of luck and hope he matures a bit.
Not sure if my 45yr old ex gf has BPD or npd but she cheated on me multiple times before breaking up over what she said was lifestyle differences because my home was too modern,I was to clean and tidy,I didn’t drink and her teen daughter hates me.she said we didn’t know each other and shouldn’t have lived together,that I wasn’t who they thought I was and that her kid will always hate me.that she was confused and didn’t know what she wanted and that you never know what may happen in a few months.
We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1..her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse..the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didn’t do it deliberately)..my ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult..week later she broke up ..I had not heard from her in a week since moving out
.what I didn’t discover till a month later is that she had been cheating for at least 6 months with multiples…she finally admitted to cheating with one random she picked up after I presented evidence but I’m sure there was another but didn’t have evidence..3 months prior to break I caught her setting naked pics and bedroom secrets to an ex ,she was blind drunk at time so I called her up on it the next day.she denied any knowledge of having done it and when presented with the msg was not apologetic nor distressed she dismissed it as a drunken mistake and that was that..I tried to get her to open up as to why but she refused to discuss it further saying she loved me..
During last 2 years of Rs she became drunk at least weekly and hurled insults at me such as
Your not worth the financial convienience
Your going to grow to be a fat old man
Your fault I didn’t orgasm
Your hobby is embarrassing (she introduced me to hobby as a Xmas gift)
Don’t you want. To look beautiful for your girl (insisting I go to gym)
You will never find one as beautiful to me to love you (when I discussed breaking up over the child)
You don’t understand women
When we would go out for dinner ect she would try to force me to drink and get upset if I didn’t
Her cell ph acct came to my email address it how I caught her out and in the 4 weeks after our break she was in contact with 4 different men incl the cheater..when the affair ended during those 4 Weeks she tried 2 others dialing 2 numbers every 5min for 6 hours straight with no answer then finally took up the offer of an aquaintance of ours one who had been on her social media list our whole relationship..he is 57yr old,wealthy,drinks,parties and is obese she denied having cheated with him but they were intimate and living together imeadiately and she and he posted public pics on social media the week she had admitted to cheating.
There was no empathy,no remorse,no emotions displayed when she admitted to cheating or when I asked why she posted pics so soon after her admission when clearly she knew I was devestated she just,didn’t care about me
Why would she say I was fat at only 5kgs over my ideal weight but it’s ok to sleep and enter into relationship with an obese man 7years older than me ?
Will she insult him as she did me ?
Will she cheat on him?
I know it’s dumb but I feel it’s my fault she insulted me and cheated cause I wasn’t the man she wanted
It’s really hard to date someone who has a different lifestyle than yourself. This is why I recommend both men and women to date those who have similar tastes and interests and lifestyle as of yourself. It just makes things a lot easier because you have the same passions. You like to do the same things together.
You’re not in the wrong here. I’m not saying you need to start partying and drinking. That’s petty and immature of her. Instead, you should just leave this basket case and find a woman who has the same interests and lifestyle as yourself :)
Thanks Rick for confirming she is a basket case..she wasn’t like this for first 2 years sure a glass here and there but after that it was bottles and out till 4am on occasions..I called her up on it and that’s when the abuse started..I shoulda dumped her then but I’d invested 2 years and thought it was cause of her kid figured when kid got into later teens and twenties my ex would settle back to how she was to begin with but the longer I held on the more disrespectful she became..she is still with old guy I’m guessing his $$$ buys her the lifestyle mine couldn’t and he is the partying drinking type..she wasn’t materialistic but she craved financial security and was envious of his and her friends wealth I doubt she is attracted to the man as she said while we were together about his prev younger attractive gf
“how did he get her” he’s also one of them types to place her on a pedastool with little in return except for sex and she was a pro (no pun intended lol)
@50 it’s going to take a little longer to bounce back than when I was in my 20s & 30s but logically I know we are thru..
Suppose I’ll always wonder if she will abuse and cheat on him ..he will never know she is professional liar at least she won’t be cheating on me anymore
Just stop fantasizing about what she might do, what that other guy might think or never know and what not. Just stop fantasizing man… That’s pure codependent behavior, it’s that white knight mentality of thinking that women are victims and need help. She is an adult. Anything she does is her responsibility. If we want society as a whole to IMPROVE relationships, especially with Borderlines, then we first must stop treating them like victims who need men to stick around and ‘save’ them and what not.
Rick ironic you should say im a white knight cause i am actually a real Knight not a Sir Knight but a brother Knight of a particular Ancient order of Knights its always been in me to do the just and moral thing guess thats why its been difficult accepting her behaviour and why im trying to rationlize it by fitting her into the borderline/npd box
im better these days though i do still on occasions think about where it all went wrong and what made her start drinking and abusing me..she was so different in the begining..its like a switch got flipped and wham shes a basket case.
my prob now is where to look for a decsent woman whos not messed up @50 tried the bars,caffes,libaries,art galleries,malls,online,out and about,sports events ect ect and a 1 1/2 years on im still single and have not dated .
I see myself as a cultured individual. There aren’t many people like me in the states. But there ARE enough to go around. America is really big so a lot of people never really get cultured — they just stick to what they know locally. The reality is that a lot of the young girls you’ll meet don’t really know much. They aren’t cultured, they have limited experience, they don’t really know how the world works. They just listen to politicians and celebrities and take it for truth. They’re extreme followers. People like this make for really bad partners unless you’re as ignorant and simple-minded as them.
If you’re cultured like I am, then you MUST only date women who are cultured as well. If not, the relationship will fail, believe me.
Was in a whirlwind of a relationship that lasted over the span of three months. After working together for five months (I’m a server, he’s the manager) and flirting harmlessly (the kind of poking fun at each other kind of way), I began dating my boss (at the time I had to cut back my hours to one day a week for my other job, so I rationalized that the power dynamics wouldn’t be a big deal). The first month seemed like it was going well, however, it only took him about a week to encourage me to stay over all the time. Within two weeks I was there every night. We basically lived together. At the time I was stuck in difficult roommate situation and lining up a new place, and he lived minutes from my job so it seemed like a good idea. After a month we started to have some major communication break downs and I’d say we argued between 2-4 times a week, an every other day basis. That’s when he finally told me had been diagnosed with mild BPD when he was 9/10 years old. I saw a red flag immediately…he waited until LATER to tell me this…I kept thinking that’s sketchy. He learned to deal with it without meds over time and felt healthy. He pointed out he had hoped never to have to tell me about it, but with the fights he felt he probably should.
I managed to get a new place, but never officially moved in. I decided to keep some things there and hold on to my apartment (my gut told me to make sure I had my own place…I thought it would help create space almost like a safety net). He would often ask me, however to please give it up.
By the way it took him one month to tell me he loved me and another week to start talking about marriage and having children. I told him I didn’t want to do those things until I felt financially stable (healthcare, a salaried job, pay off school loans, etc.). But I let myself get caught up in the fantasy picture perfect life he envisioned (and which I did too).
I wanted us to be sexually responsible to avoid accidental pregnancy (use birth control like condoms/spermicides), but he never wanted to. They were too much bother…he just wanted to make love now…it got to the point where I couldn’t say no to sex…and it was all the time…at least once a day, sometimes three times. I began to feel like a kept woman and any time I tried to regain control, he would turn on me like that.
He would do incredibly romantic things and took us on a couple getaways that were beyond my financial means to do, so he paid for them.
Then I decided maybe it would be best if I found a different job (working together even one day a week felt suffocating), so I gave notice. Finding an additional job turned out to not so easy, so he was paying for dinners out, groceries, these trips and I would chip in however I could. Any time we fought he would tell me “Well I pay for everything for you” and use my weaknesses against me or threaten to throw me out.
He isolated me from friends who had been in my life for years, he would get mad if I went out (I am a social person and I did things that cost little or no money to be financially responsible). In the end I felt trapped and controlled. I couldn’t have guys as friends, he didn’t like my bestie, he would shame me for occasionally giving in and smoking a cigarette while I was trying to quit.
Eventually an argument (one of those 12am-6am lond drawn out fights) things got so heated he threw my possessions out on the street and took his key off my key ring and threw it out as well. When I tried to stop him (aka reach for my keys) he pushed me and that’s when I (and I regret to say this) lost control of my emotions. I hit him and threw a couple things. I had a temper tantrum in his words and acted like a “crazy bitch”. Me, I think I had been emotionally abused for so long without realizing it and felt so helpless that hitting him was all I could think to do (it was wrong and I am seeking counseling for myself). I look back at this relationship and I’ve read every article I could about emotional abuse, manipulators, the relationship between “the caregiver” and “emotional manipulator”, codependency, narcissists, etc. and I can see where both his and my own behaviors could fall into these categories. I am confused now and my physical abuse towards him makes me think that maybe I’m the one with the real issues. I think maybe his BPD and manipulative nature coupled with my caregiver tendencies (probably codependency too) created the perfect storm. How does a person overcome the shame of relationships like this? Right now I feel like a failure, but I can’t tell if it’s because he undermined me or if I really did fail…
Try reading the Human Magnet syndrome. It may help you understand the attraction. Don’t be ashamed. Become aware. Like Rick says, take care of yourself first. Follow that and things will start to fall into place. Try and learn why you became a caregiver / co-dependent. Was your family of origin alcoholic or disfunctional? Work on those answers and don’t waste a breath of your beautiful life in shame of how someone else treated you badly. Learn to love and care for yourself. You’re worth it!
Hi, I’m online trying to do some research because I am in love with someone who has BP. He is not medicated nor is seeing a shrink. I need to wait until he is out of his mood at the moment. We go a couple days having zero problems. When I go away he goes dark. He’s uncommunicative, I’m not sure how to respond to this. We have been going through this for over a year now. Do you think picking up the phone and calling is the answer rather than the basic text? If so, what should one say during one of their episodes that will keep a positive light and not focus on his depression? Thank you.
The truth is that until he decides to help himself, a relationship with him will be extremely difficult. I would never be where I am today if I didn’t accept that I have issues and must work on my recovery. And now I’m way more successful than most people. You personally cannot do anything for him. He has to do it on his own. The best thing you can do is start doing things for yourself. I know it’s tempting to reach out to him, but don’t. He needs to learn that until he decides to make some serious changes, you’re not going to be with him. This is what you need to tell him okay?
Hi Jessica, your relationship sounds just like mine was for the first year. Year 2 and 3 turned into lots of violent verbal assaults, accusations, name calling and mental manipulations on his part. And friends, forget about friends, he will always find something nasty to say about each one of them and then your family is next. I wish I was still in year one and able to leave before year 3 where we live together, have invested in furniture and a dog together. Be careful, he will be so kind and loving and suddenly suggest living together…I have left a few times, which he always pleads and cries and promises to do better, all of which have still left me at the same standstill as before except with a lot less money through deposits etc. Please read “Stop Walking On Eggshells” by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. This was $4 on thrift books.com. BPD is a mental illness that will not just get better overnight. Maybe in a few years of him really working on it and getting professional help, but not now and not worth the pain you will suffer through those years. I go back and forth every day on leaving or not. It is not about you, it’s about him. He will go through this with or without you, better it be someone else. Lots of great people out there that are worth your time and energy and can give the same respect and love back.
Trish (aka TRASH) gainey says
Rick…. Your an idiot. An uneducated ass who by writing this kind of crap is hurting God knows how many bipolar relationships. Shame on you for projecting opinion for truth.
Excuse me ms. nobody? Next time leave some counter arguments before you go on a trolling rampage. It’s good for your health and will keep you from looking even more clueless. But you can’t even spell YOU’RE so I don’t even know why I bother replying to you. I guess because I enjoy shutting down haters :)
Rick is a really bright guy. I have past experience dealing with family members and a SO of three years with these issues. Everything he writes is full of insight. It’s also miles more helpful than your run of the mill therapeutic practitioner gobbledygook which is often out of touch and unhelpful. Thanks Rick!!!! The troll above is an idiot lol!
Thanks! I’m just here telling it how it is. If people don’t want to listen to me, that’s fine. The truth will always reveal itself :)
Sylvia Figueroa says
Well said Rick, I am enjoying your website and learning at the same time! you are amazing! short and sweet answers! I love it!
I’ve been in an on and off relationship with my bf for 2 1/2 years. I have borderline personality disorder. I’m in DBT, counseling, and on medications. Yet we still break up every other week and over the years I’ve gotten more and more abusive. To the point where I scare myself by the things I say. I CANNOT stop sleeping with other people when we break up. I don’t even have feelings for these people. I try SO hard. I know that deep down, when I sleep with other people, it makes me miss my boyfriend. It’s like it helps me snap back to reality. He’s making me decide tonight if I can do this relationship and stop sleeping with other people. I can’t promise him anything. I just can’t. I can’t love him. I want to but I can’t. Help :(
Until you start believing that you can, then you will never improve. You’re just reinforcing your ability to fail with can’t can’t can’t. So how can you when you think you can’t? Why don’t you put your phone down, stop going out and stay inside? It’s impossible to get laid when you do that.
OMG, This is the exact behavior I was treated with WOW … :-( She finger banged more men daily on her phone than imaginable. Then would purposely sabatoge a good week just to go out and be with another man on the weekend and feel ok about within herself because we faught and her ” mind” she was single now … IT literally has wrecked me and I am in counseling for it now, but its not helping… Our last breakup was 2 weeks ago, I think its the final one… However, I am betting the farm SHE will be the first to contact me… And I dont know how I will react or what to do … While I am devastated and truly heartbroken because I did Love her greatly, she goe on living her life as if nothing happened ! And that in itself is just as hurtful .
Well you were just too dependent on her. If you want to recover, work on curing your Codependency.
I would agree with your answer. However, I am not into swinging or having more than 1 sleeping /sex partner. Do they ever get over/past their promiscuity ?
You make it sound like all Borderlines are promiscuous lol, but that’s just not true at all. I suggest that you just meet a girl who will actually give you what you want. Stop settling for girls who don’t fulfill your needs. This is the main reason why men of today suck ass.
I suppose that everyone deserves someone to love,but I will avoid bipolar women like the plague. I met my ex after I recovered from a traumatic injury in which I was laid up and recovering for nearly five months. The first four months were great because I just needed someone and she had a gap in the transition point between her research and doctoral thesis paper. When I came out of my fog I started to see inconsistencies in her behavior. At the 5 month mark she dropped on me that she had been in rehab for crack 6 years ago. I had issues accepting this and she gave me hell for that fact. Two months later I walked up on her taking a baggy of xanax at her birthday party.She tried to play it off when I asked her what the hell she was doing. I walked out and was done,but I did notify her sister in another state that she was taking unprescribed meds and that I felt her family needed to know to try to help her. She said that she understood and that her family was going to try to do an intervention. This never happened,but unfortunately I talked it out with her two days later and was stern ,but loving in my approach to try to help her. We both were busy the next 3-4 months because we both were working long hours (me; to get my life financially back on track after my injury,her ;was finishing up her dissertation and defending it) Things actually seemed to be very good as I was very supportive during this stressful time for her. Things changed around mid -March when she snapped on her roommate and became very snappy and different for the next four months. In April she went to look for housing in the city that she got a job as a research professor. I was supposed to have gone,but instead she had invited one of her friend’s because she thought that I probably couldn’t take two days off from work. When she returned she was in some kind of euphoric state in which she said that she couldn’t sleep and hadn’t sleep for 3 days straight for some reason suppsedly. She was talking 90 m.p.h. and every thought no matter how personal she was expressing. I tried to calm her down,but she became irritated when I spoke and kept me up until 5 a.m. talking. When she finally crashed she had slept for 13 hours. For the next few weeks until graduation she was erratic and I nearly left her again because I don’t tolerate being treated like crap for no reason when I was trying to remain supportive. Before we moved to her new job we ironed things out and I told her that I loved her and would be there for her,but if she thought that she could disrespect me that I had no problem walking out the door. The first month that we moved was miserable. She spent a month in a manic depression and we only left the condo to grocery to or to walk the dog. One time while going to the grocery store she insisted on taking the dog even though there were bums on the outside of the store. She insisted that she would be ok because I didn’t have to get too many things and that she would be ok. I thought this was bizarre, but walked outside to her holding a conversation with the bum and in closing shook his hand as we walked off. Two to three days later I caught her crouched on the floor smoking a new fancy e-vapor that I had never seen. I do know that the first time that I had a hint that she smoked anything was the third month that we dated and she got news of her grandfather being hospitalized and within two months passed. When she got the initial call that he was being hospitalized I ran downstairs to comfort her. I knew that she let her dog outside,but I didn’t see her until I think she heard me and I spotted a smokey haze that didn’t look like cigeratte smoke. After she calmed down later in the day I asked if she smoked ,she replied no. A few months after that when she revealed her drug abuse past I called her out and asked if she was smoking crack. She said that it was an e-vapor and that it helped her cope with stress. However I went online to research drug forums and learned that within the last few years e-vapes have been improved technologically to burn any drug which requires high temperatures. She posessed such a pen which really concerned me especially when she could just converse with a bum for 15 minutes and was insistent on taking her dog. The two times that we actually did go out on the town she drank on top of her meds according to her and acted pretty crazy. This excuse was used a few times while we dated. I was planning to fly back home and take two weeks to pack and prepare for my job interview and move. The last day before I went back she became irritated and everything that I did was wrong. I again sternly told her that I loved her,but I had no problem walking away because I have never taken unwarranted disrespect from any girl that I dated and had no problem walking away if that as how she was going to act. She got the message and before my cab picked me up we had sensual mixed with wild crazy sex.She then went into the bathroom and I could hear her crying . When she came out she held a tear stained note which she tucked into a pocket of my luggage and told me not to read it until I got home. In the letter she apologized for behaving like she did and that things would change when she settled in and that I was so strong ,but loving through the last few stress filled months and that she couldn’t wait to make our lives together when I got back. When I got back ,when we eould talk on the phone it would be brief and nearly emotionless. It progressively got worse to the point that she said I annoyed her and she didn’t even know why ,and dually that she had always had committment issues and had broken many hearts.Every few days that for no reason it would seesaw between wanting me to come, to not thinking it would work out. I finally told her to figure it out because I wasn’t moving 6 hours away to deal with uncertainty. She told me that when I stayed with her during the move she didn’t think that I was going to look for a job and move in with her and that she let me stay snd look for a job because she thought that if I did move that I would get my own place and we’d start our relationship over from scratch. This was news to me and she said that she needed to think about things over the weekend and that she would call me on Monday becsuse she had a friend that came to visit. She called me back Mondayand when I asked her what were her thoughts on our relationship she paused briefly and replied,” oh,we’re ok” then she immediately changed the subject. The days after seemed ok until the end of the weekend when she wouldn’t take my call and texted me that she didn’t want to talk because she was antisocial. We talked later that night and I tried to clarify our ststus because I was flying in the next week for my job orientation because I was told that after a phone interview and my resume and credentials they really wanted me for the position. After a two hour conversation she was crying and said that she was so glad that we communicated and again that she was looking forward to starting our lives together. The next day she didn’t answer her phone.I called her back 6 hours later because I had to plan my itinerary on thst day to use a special voucher that I was given that expired in less than 24 hours. She answered and snapped back to being uncertain of us. I snapped and finally had enough,I wasn’t going to live my life going through a constant roller coaster. Persons with BPSD have the tendency to do some bizare things that I just had no experience with prior to this relationship. I loved her ,but I was kept in it by my mother which saw how happy that she made me the first five months,however the drug abuse, trying to have sex with me in public,driving wrecklessly when drinking on top of her meds,along with back and forth judgement from day to day was too much for me. Dating someone like that is like Jeckyll and Hyde. For those that are on a stable regimin and in a stable environment I suppose could be relatively normal I suppose, yet they still have the capacity to act just like my ex. That was my only experience with dealing with a bipolar woman and 100% will be the last. I consider myself a very strong willed man that not only reclaimed my life after a traumatic injury and metsphorically carried her on my back and kept her stable for a year until the last month of our relationship. That is a hell that I never want to see again. I have no desire to babysit someone that could flip out from day to day when experiencing any sort of stress. I’m glad that there are people that desire that,but not this guy.
I have been with my husband for a year and 2 months now he has not been diagnosed with boarderlaine personality disorder yet but it seems as if many of these stories are true however my husband took on my 4 children from my previous marriage and he is absolutely amazing with them i have only ever met my dad who was an amazing father and was gone alot due to being in the military (didnt have the best mother drugs) i have dealt with a lot in my life (rape molestation stalked) and i have chose not to let it define me however i do let my husband define me and i want it to stop yes he’s physically hurt me emotionally bashes me (whore cunt lying bitch skank slut sneak etc) allthough i dont try to deceive him like i will forget to tell him something (my daughter forgot to finish her chore) so it is a lie when i say they are brushing their teeth getting ready for bed but she finishes her chore first so i intentionally lied to him and as he calls it spitting in his face and im nothing but a lying bitch and whore i have 4 children by one other man i was with for 10 years (dna tests to prove concidering he was insecure) never cheated or anything and now all of the sudden im a whore ive only been with 5 men including my husband and yet im out fucking everything with legs (of course im not) i cant wear any low shirts bo skirts no short shorts (27yrs old 110-115lbs not pregnant) and i am pregnant with his child i am so confused on what to do and have been trying to get him to seek council to save our relationship he actually states he knows hes fucked up but hes to fucked up and no one can help him i keep trying to state im not going anywhere and no your not and there is help out there if you will just look i am desperatento help my husband (lucky i do have thick skin due to being teased and bullied a ton growing up) and ive only ever really been able to count on myself to do what needed to get done to keep going i do break sometimes and start cussing him out and tell him i cant take no more bs and accusations and everything he is doing is fucked up then he makes me feel like the moat horrible person in the world beacuse no one loves him no one ever has no one ever will he did have a terrible childhood and caught his ex-wife sleeping with another man in their house when they were supposed to be in counseling to work their relationship he did have a drug problem but got clean and has been for over a year (his work makes him travel but i see all money coming in and out) and him traveling im sure is 100xs worse with his worry about me being unfaithful which is constant he always yhinks he catches me at something i mean one word off and boom i cought you you lying cheating whore or bitch which ever he feels that day i suppose but i really do love him i am a very strong person in my belief but i even break after weeks of torture now (considering im pregnant sometimes once a week) what can i do to help him he always threatens suicide when im like woha cats outta the bag how he makes me feel just blew up 100xs then what it should have because i usually say whatever if thats what you think or no its not like that but if that makes you feel better i seriously need help i want to help him i do love him i want to fight for us for us to be happy we were so happy at the beginning it was amazing and loving and little by little as the relationship progressed it got more and more controlling and abusive and worse accusations (he never put his hands on me until after we got married) and then its been 4xs in a matter of 7months mainly because weve been apart for almost 2 months due to his work are all bpd’s unfaithful? Is this ehy he ignores me for a night here and there and makes it out to be my fault is it a relationship that can actually be a real loving caring relationship? I need help!!!
It’s tough for me to say what is and isn’t. Every person is unique, we all have our own unique upbringing and experiences and mindsets and all that. So it’ really tough for me to tell you what to do. BPD is a very personal issue in that unless the Borderline seeks help, they won’t improve. This is why a big part of my training is teaching people that they need to break their emotional attachments and start focusing on themselves. It sounds very counter-intuitive, but in this day and age it’s what works. You can start by not feeding into his negativity. Just exit the room, clear out, tell him to get a life when he treats you poorly. And if he lays his hands on you, then get out of there. Don’t stick around, you’re just reinforcing his shit behavior.
Can you comment on how you think a Borderline Personality male will do in his new relationship with a BPD female? The man is 50 years old and his 22-24(?) year old new girlfriend worked under him. (I worked with him before he and I were involved. He and I are the same age, however.) His professional position is not only a supervisory one, but also a profoundly influential, mentoring position in relationship to those of us who have worked with or under him, the specifics of which I cannot mention here. (The working environment typically includes his teaching/mentoring mostly women, 18-24 years old.) The woman confessed to me her psychological/emotional condition at the time the man and I were seeing one another, when she was also his babysitter. (He tends to take advantage of the young women he has influence over for favors in this way. He establishes very close friendships with these women who come and go from his life, but doesn’t keep in touch with them, after.) The young woman told me that BPD is the thing she and this man have in common—why they became friends, initially. (This is how I know he is a PBD, actually.) I mention these relationships to take into account the tremendous authority the man has over this young woman who has a very insecure, approval-seeking personality (and a history of accommodating his demands; following his “rules.”). She also confided in me (at the time I was seeing the man) that she is bisexual and not interested in him. He (while drunk) once mentioned all the other “hot” young women he could have been with, given his authorial position (attempting to demonstrate that he chose me) but the woman he is now with, he told me at this time, he did not think attractive. So, I am baffled by this union. In your estimation, will this relationship have a chance, because of the common disorder? Because he has such complete control over her? Have you any predictions on how the thing might play out? I realize it is both difficult and inappropriate to generalize, but given the common personality challenges, have you any comments on it?
Perhaps I should mention that he broke off our relationship because he felt that he could not control me (though I was uncharacteristically accommodating with him) and would constantly accuse me of wanting to change him (which I did not, and never understood this accusation). He would later tell me he felt I pointed out his failings and thought him a terrible person. For my experience, I was more adoring and even acquiescent than I have ever been with any man (in 50 years, remember) and these estimations seemed to be to be own unfunded projections.
I would very much appreciate making sense of all of this. I am unable to find information on BPD in relationship with another BPD in my research.
Thank you so much!
Probably be a bunch of back and forth accusations and blow ups and all that. BPD is basically loss of emotional control.
Rick, it seems this is for non BPD’s that have BP women in their lives. It seems at least with my BP man, this is not the right venue for me. Even though promises of getting help, and couples therapy, I am verbally abused for hours once a week. Only to him twisting what the counselor said and promising to get better. There is no tactic that works here, I do not engage in a fight. I say I am leaving until he calms down and do, I say I respect myself and will not allow this to happen, that it is not ok to speak to me this way. All become such a mental manipulation after that I do not know what is up or down anymore. “I have BPD, I have the communication problem even to hims saying so sweetly, “I never said that to you, I love you” ten minutes later. What I do not understand is all this bull about “trying to understand the person with BPD”. What about just saying this is unacceptable abusive behavior and it is not worth living through? Why do I need to put myself in his shoes when he has not walked a second in mine to see the pain and hurt he causes with his words and his moods? We all have emotions, but how we choose to react is behavior and does need to be justified if it harms others.
Then dump him. Cut him out of your life for a bit. Nothing wrong with that, I tell people to do that all the time. Gotta send strong messages when nothing else is working.
Thank you for that. I left last month to a friends house and although it is uncomfortable to live out of your car and share a bed with another grown woman, he has changed for the better, at least for now. I just signed a 6 mo lease and deposit with someone and will not be breaking it. I have put the ground rules that if he can be the loving person he has shown he is capable of-we can date and live in seperate places for the next 6 months-maybe even really miss each other and get excited for dates. If he stalks, trys to intimidate me or my friends, or behaves in any other way though name calling, screaming fits or long drawn out fights, anything but pure love that is not twisted-he’s cut off with further action of authorities. It took me a really long time to really realize it’s not about me except what I’ve allowed him to be, and maybe that’s exactly what you’ve been saying-love and respect yourself first and you will show others how you should also be treated-or they’ll move on if they are not ready for a great relationship built on trust and understanding instead of power over and control.
Yes, exactly. It always starts with taking responsibility for yourself. A great book called Extreme Ownership talks about this extensively and how it applies to navy seal commanders. I see no difference when it comes to relationships.
I am Preethi from Ohio. I am here today because of my ex boy friend’s weird attitude towards relationship. I am sure he has some mental sickness but I do not know what it is exactly. I been reading and researching on all disorrders and I think he has more of BPD traits. Let me share few instincts of what happened to me in our relationships.
Before I met him for the first time we had couple of lovely phone conversations. I was very impressed by his talk.
1) First time when I met him, he straight away proposed me. I told him I need some time to think and suddenly he raised his voice and said ” Dont waste my time, just say something”. I was confused
2) Fo the longweekend, I went all the way to NY to meet him (he invited to see him), he switched on TV (my fav movie) and he slept. I had no clue whats wrong. Finally I said I will leave and he said “ok, byee” escorted me to the door and slammed the door behind me. I left to a train station and within 2 minutes he texts me to come back ( I did not go back)
3) This time I texted him with someone’s (guy from dating website) picture. The whole intension of sharing this picture is just to laugh since the guy in picture was v funny. I was expecting text fromm him something like “LOL, Hehehhehehe” instead he started outbursting. There is no reason. He sent all abbusive texts. I cried the whole night. I did nothing to him, all I did was sharing a pic of someone. Exactly after 20 days he texted me out of blue.
4) We started dating again …. we had amazing sex. He proposed me but I still did not reply because of his weird sequence of attitudes. One of such is after sex he behaves as if I am someone (devil) and I dont belong to his world. Each time I used to think “Ok, this is the final… I am not going to talk to him” but always I get back to him and the story repeats
5) Finally, I proposed him. H said how happy he is and he made all future plans for marriage. Right after a week, I texted him saying I got a job in different city and I have to move. I asked him if I can meet him ad stay with him for a wekk be fore I move. He out of blue said, he can only be friend nothing more.
I am very confused…. I was heartbroken and depressed.
Can anyone confirm if he has BPD Traits?
Well you’re moving after proposing so can you really be surprised that he’s treating you this way? I’d be pissed too.
so it’s my fault.. what should I do?. I tried once texting him. He did not reply. I dont like to text second time and get rejected. I love him but… what should I do?
Well you can’t actively do anything. He’s ignoring your texts. So what you should do is just let it go for now, just do your own thing. If he hits you up, then go from there. But don’t be living your life as if you’re waiting for him. That just leads to a failed lifestyle.
Thank you! Rick
Hi Rick, Im really in a bad place. I have been with my wife for 14 years (10 years of dating and wanting to to be together as people did not want us to be together and 4 years of being married). We are highschool sweethearts and things were great until now. Through the years there were suttle signs of feeling down and very moody for no reason. I had fixed her a job in July where for two weeks she started to act weird staying up at all odd hours of the night, watching videos, singing to music, rapid weight loss and again the mood swings. Then the my whole world turned upside down when i found out she had an affair with a person at work. I found out by going through her phone and confronted her in front of her parents. I unfortunatley saw all the texts. Even after that she was still looking at his star signs as she claimed it was nothing. Now she has really suffered from this ordeal as she states she has dead inside but is pushing me out and demands a divorce. Shae had left work immediately and were are separated. She does not do antyhing the entire day and cannot speak to me without getting angry and frustrated to a point where she claims i am causing all of this. I do bring up the affair as it hurts me alot. Im trying to forget but its hard. She claims she has to rebuild herself before she thinks about us. I tried to tell her she shows symptoms of being bipolar and should see a shrink but says i act like one and she is not biplar. Its been 5 months now and i really love her, she is my highschool sweetheart and want to really help her but everytime i speak to her she gets frustrated and cannot talk to me. She wants a divorce and she is not the same person anymore. What can I do?
You can’t do anything but back off. She has to come to you. It doesn’t work the other way.
Well Rick, its been a year and we are now divorced with no input from me ofcourse. Im saying this as i did not have any say as she demanded this and with the help of her parents was taken away. My notion is that her parents are trying to keep this famiily issue under wraps. My concerns is what if they have kept this away from her as well as she does not believe she is bipolar. Will this do any damage in the long run.
Her behaviour is very odd – does not answer calls or texts or if so then just cuts the calls after hearing my voice and this is the girl that has fought her parents to be with me.
We had the dream of seeing eachother till the very end, well I did not know the end would be so quick.
Well 2017 is a new year and hopefully will be great as i want to try to work on myself.
So i know this girl who is bipolar and i like and care for her alot, the most ive ever done for someone ever. Ive helped her through her hardships i even understand how it feels. But the problem is she does not want to get into a relationship because she is too scared that she will get heartbroken. I have no clue how i can assure her and convince her that no matter what happens i will never hurt you and will always be there for you. Is there any way you can help Rick?
Stop trying to assure and convince her. Just say ‘Hey I understand, let’s not worry about relationships or dating and just enjoy each other’s company. Like real friends do. You can do that, right?’ and then just go from there. Don’t try to lock her down or anything.
El talb! says
Hi! Last spring i met a girl wich was for me the best connection i ever had! Same feeling, same speed (way to fast) on both side!! Couple weeks after, things start to get complicated… after something come up on my past just before i met her, and she start the push-pull dynamic! It waked up in me a kind of insecurity that i really was not proud of! Either me or her was always coming back to each other, but… She was saying that she was feeling in my arms better than she ever felt and that sexually she felt something reslly special that not much men was able to give her before… But everytime she was running away, saying she was not able to build something with me…. So it finally ends and she went for somebody else couple weeks after. Couple time she reached me while in relation with the other guy(when she was alone) trying to check what was happening with me… And we saw as friend a couple times… After this break-up, i made some reasearch and i found out she might be BPD, but also me… I finally get my official answer and so i am… So i started a therapy recently to try fix things up since i was to dependant and to much after her (same with all the other relation before)… She came back to me 1 month ago and slowly we met again. When she was with me she was almost shaking and nervous… In one month, 3 times she run away, everytime after very nice moments together! The first push she said she was upside down seeing me again… And she was not able to make-it… But i was not ready and i fall again in the to-much mood and insecurity, since i found out there was other man also… So She run away again saying she don’t feel love and now it looks like she start dating a new guy. Last time we see, (she was the one who called me) she just left me on the spot for having a drink with this guy right after. She advise me she was leaving for this appointment … May be it was a test… I just let her go saying nothing!!! Don’t want to force poeple staying with me anymore… I have to kids and working shifts abd she says it to much for her! I try to reach 1 or 2 time after this date, but Now she is in the NC moods… Whee she came back a month ago, i told her about what i learn from me expecting she might see some reference to her.. But she checked on the net and she is not feeling like she might have it… I wish i could do things differently now since i know what it is about… I feel i could really understand her and the same for her with me… My therapist says that nothing could work as long as she don’t accept and understand who she really is… Was your BPD aware of their own or not? Do you think this girl is just running away her feelings and using my kids as a excuse? Or when they left they really mean it? My fear is to be in a stand-by mode…
my girlfriend is a bipolar and not talking to me without any reason since last one month.she blocked me in whatsapp.what to do now?i am sending text messages regularly.is there any possibility that she will return after her bipolar episode will end.
Well she’s obviously not your girlfriend anymore. I would suggest that you stop assuming that she is still your property, and let her do her own thing. That’s the only way to make this work again.
Partners with bipolar disorder are very hard to understand. They are emotional vortexes that suck you in. If you can get out do it. It’s all a mind fuck and only they know the rules. Why should I have to study you to the point where it becomes a chess game. Medicine is very advance nowadays, acknowledge that you need help, can’t do it alone, take your medicine and start treating your SO the way they deserve to be treated.
Lol all relationships are a chess game. In fact, anything you do in life that’s worth doing is a chess game. I really like that you used that analogy because I use it all the time! You can’t build a business without doing some amazing chess moves. It’s the same for a relationship. If you want to date someone simple, then do it. Even a 4 year old can play checkers. But if you want someone of quality, bring out the chess board.
How is dating someone that belittles, cheats, purposely sabotages on a bi weekly level, needs constant ego stroking by 5 men a day, never gives a compliment to me but expects her compliments daily, ( and lets me know if I don’t give her one Daily ) constantly holds resentment against me for things that NEVER happened, does not appreciate me or my ACTIONS, has absolutely NO empathy or compassion herself and much much more !!! Please… Tell me how is that being someone of Quality ? Seriously… Tell me ? I was with her for almost a year putting up with this constantly… Only to be told that she Loved me 3 times in that period, and 1 time she told me right before we called it quits for good that ” I WAS THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN SHE HAS EVER BEEN WITH AND MET ” Please, tell me how this is Quality, when she takes all of our photos of us together and throw them on the ground in front of me, then carries them to the dumpster while I watched … Elaborate
Lol when did I ever say that the girl you’re dating is a quality girl? I didn’t. Your girl sounds like garbage. She’s an insecure mess. So why would you even waste a year with her? You must have been addicted to her vagina or something because that’s all she seems to bring to this relationship.
Understand: a girl of HIGH quality brings more to the relationship than just sex. A girl of LOW quality brings nothing but her vagina. That’s all she has to offer.
I met someone who has all the symptoms of BPD 10 years ago when he was 20 and I was 18. We were on and off for years until he got another girl pregnant. He is very involved with his daughter from that relationship. 2 years after his daughter was born, I got pregnant and had his son. He abandoned me and our son. I moved on and married another man who adopted my son. We have been married for 4 years and have another son.
My ex also got married, recently divorced, and has another baby. After 5 years of not talking to him, I texted him to see how he was doing. We talked consistently for 2 1/2 months, talked on the phone, and even hung out. Last week, I think he “split” me and will no longer answer my texts. His last text was “Be happy with your husband. I can’t make you happy. Maybe your husband can’t but I can’t either.” I asked him why he said this but he didn’t answer. I’m trying to move on, but what do you think? Thanks
I think you should block your exes number since you have a new husband. It isn’t cool to talk to an ex when you’re dating someone new, but you’re MARRIED lol. C’mon now…
So I feel like I’ve turned into your “White Knight,” For the first 6 months of the relationship everything was great, good laughs, lots of sex, etc. She kept saying she wanted to get engaged. She said that the whole time, and had always said she likes to move fast and always leaves a relationship unless she gets that commitment from a guy. So obviously I was in love, and still am. I honestly see us together, family kids etc. So I proposed and then had her move in about 3 months later. We’ve been together now for about a year. The sex has come to a stand still. She has put on some weight because of her medication, but I still find her attractive as hell and tell her that all the time. She claims it’s because she’s not secure in herself, and that she’s become numb with her feelings. When she moved in she got sick for about a month, so we started the relationship off with me being her nurse, and unfortunately even after she got better it has stayed that way. I feel that kind of put me into the “White Knight” category and now I would feel like an asshole if I stop. What are you thoughts Rick? I’m not sure how to give her a confidence boost and get that spark going again.
Any time if someone asks me if its better to be an asshole or a nice guy, I say that the answer lies in the middle. Balance is the key to basically everything in life. Women are disgusted by guys who are weak, supplicating, needy, beta, etc. whatever you wanna call it. She would rather date a guy who is thug and gangster and an asshole, than a nice guy. That’s just the reality because women like these masculine-type attributes (even if it’s dangerous).
I know your site is for men dating bipolar women, but I am a woman who was dating a bipolar man. I actually did not know he was bipolar until he recently told me that this is the reason why we could not continue to see each other romantically anymore. It came out of nowhere – and what bothers me is that he didn’t even give me the choice to either continue dating him or not – he just made the decision that this is what is best for me because I am too good of a person to deal with his issues (according to him). Although we both felt/expressed a sincere connection to one another, he felt it was best for me to not be involved romantically and instead, we should be just friends because he didn’t want to lose that connection that he felt with me. I respect his decision and in no way do I want to convince him of anything other than what he believes he wants to do. I am conflicted as to what my next step is….he was very upset when he confessed all of this to me, there was a lot of pain in his eyes and I felt blindsided by everything. I’m not sure if I should contact him or not, so we can get together as just friends. I really do care for him because we got to know each other well and we were taking things very slow. Frankly, I am willing to give it a shot romantically but I am also not willing to convince any man of continuing to date me (bipolar or not). But I am also realistic and can say that I have no idea what I would be in for. He said he was manipulative, needy, verbally abusive and an unhealthy partner overall but these are all characteristics that he never displayed to me. I am not clear on whether he is receiving medical attention or not.
Do you have any suggestions for me? Should I get in touch with him first or should I totally back off and potentially never know about his well being again? Like I said, I do care for him and do believe we can be great friends, so just wondering how to show him I am okay with that. I don’t want him to feel like I have totally shut him out and like he cannot communicate with me after our last conversation (where I did not respond to a text, but there really wasn’t anything to respond to because he sent me a statement).
Thanks for your help.
My site is for both men and women. It’s different for each, but you can apply what works for you, especially when it comes to the inner self-improvement stuff that improves your relationships. I suggest that you can try to get in contact, but only try once and don’t push it. You want him putting in effort to see you as well.
I want to end my relationship with my BPD partner. The problem is that he is living in the home I own. I have asked him to move out several times and he ignores me. How do I get him to leave (without involving police)? Please help.
I really don’t know. What’s wrong with getting the police involved? You could technically just ask a cop for advice instead of just calling 911. Maybe try that
amanda clements says
Me too almost the same problem. i keep asking the man to leave but he wont go., the difference is the apartment that belongs to neither of us, but I I leave him he will like cause property damage ( not like thoes walls are well punched in from him already..im thinkin of movin out at night, or getting like a posse 7 people deep to help me come get my stuff an move, or wait till he’s at work to move, or hog tye him and move then call a trusted friend to let him out.
I suggest getting a posse of people. This is what the ex of a sociopath I know did. And it was a good idea. The sociopath held on to some of her items, so she showed up with a group of friends and they grabbed all her stuff and left. She never contacted him again after that. I suggest you do the same. Sociopaths are scary people.
Hi Rick, I’m a woman with BPD. My husband and I struggle to keep this marriage going well. We have 2 small kids, I stay at home mom. I go to DT support group and it helps me to keep some of my negative emotions in control, but some days I’m unable and it affects my husband a lot. He says that my negative mood affect his whole day. His life sucks bc of me. I tried to expand that he needs to ignore me at that very moment, when I’m overwhelmed with emotions and I’ll come back and apologize, but he pushes and confronts me. I get worse and can’t think logycly. Basicly we fight every few days and then get better and then argument happen and fight happen again. And its a small things that trigger it. I know I need phycastrist, In mean time I would like him to learn how to control himself and not push me over the edge. He says he wants happy family and Doesn’t want to be away from kids. I feel bad that I’m ruining our marriage :( Please suggest something until I would be able get myself healthy. Thank you
Well you got to start small. Do you know what exactly triggers these little arguments? What are the little things that lead to the big blow ups? That’s what you need to focus on. When you’re consciously aware of these things, it’s much easier to control yourself.
I am in a relationship with a bipolar female. I’ve read your advice but in my situation standing my ground for what I know is right always backfires on me. I’m not a pushover. I feel like that is part of the problem. Unless I go along with everything there will be he*l to pay. It is very difficult. I don’t know what can be done but I often feel like I need to give up.
Well like I said, I normally don’t stand my ground UNLESS my belief system is being attacked and they’re flat out wrong. I know I’ll win those fights 100% of the time. But if it’s something irrational, I just ignore and do my own thing. It’s really not hard to diffuse a situation. Feel free to provide some examples and I’ll tell you what I would do.
Ive been dating my bipolar boyfriend for a year, and have known/cared for him longer than that. Recently I’ve been researching others in relationships with those who have bipolar disorder as I’ve felt like the relationship has changed. We’ve always had fun, talked all the time, great sex life, overall no issues dispite the fact that he did show symptoms on BPD. In the past few months he’s gained and impressive amount of weight (needed new wardrobe fast) and not because of medication change–but just constantly eats junk and sits around. isn’t as confident or talkative towards me, sex life is terrible (from his behalf and mine–not as desirable/exciting to me). Additionally whenever I’m not around he’s always smoking weed/high, another quality that puts me off. In a year of dating it’s gone from great friends/compatible young partners to feeling like an old miserable couple.
Are these changes in behavior due to his BPD (or perhaps just a lazy guy thing?) Is there any advice you can give me for the situation? It almost doesn’t even feel like the same relationship. I’ve expressed my discontent and he claims to be doing something about it–and blatantly isn’t. I hope I’m not too hard of a critic, it just isn’t what I see for myself–and not what the relationship had started off like! This causes a lot of frustration because he’s a good guy that I care deeply about and I would like to move forward with him, but it feels that were at a standstill.
S.o.s. And thank you!!
I personally think it’s due to the weed. People like to defend marijuana and say it’s harmless. Bullshit. I have friends and roommates that smoke weed. They are 100 times lazier since they picked up the habit. When an individual has no clue what their purpose in life is, they deteriorate. That’s just how it is. And weed is a great escape. You can be ‘high and happy’ on the couch and just watch time click away.
Im younger than my boyfriend by ten years
Hes early thirties I’m early twenties
He has bpd and hes been open with me
We been seeing each other for a year
He doesn’t want to be in a relationship
And I had my doubts about it
Until he told me why he cant make me happy he will never be good enough
He thinks ill leave him eventually ill be bored
Essentially he pushes me away to pull me back
Im a really confident person
If theres anyone I can count on
But I also love him deeply
So how he acts effects me when im in a mood
He used to dissapear for a month
Then we talk all day
See each other every day
Then he vanishes
But its the life I live
When it’s good its great
He doesnt disrespect me
He just becomes distant
And I really like when he talks
I have the power to crush him
But id never do that
I would do anything to protect him
That scares him
He left then came back
He says he never met anyone who has been so deeply invested or genuine
He pulls away and comes back alllllll the time
I proved myself to him
What else can I do?
Well… maybe guys should just do what your guy is doing because it’s got you hooked, right?
Hello, I hope this helps you possibly understand you BPD bf…. I myself have been diagnosed with BPD. I am a 28 year old female and I can share a little about me. I am what you call a “quite borderline”. Meaning I don’t act out like the classic borderline. Instead of expressing anger outwards, I express it inward and I sink into deep self loathing that it caused me to isolate very badly. I’ve gone days without leaving my house or talking to anyone. Even stopped eating because I didn’t wanna be in public to get myself some food. It’s a deep seeded fear that’s literally petrifying. But I, like your boyfriend run away from potential things that could hurt me. (Relationships) The one thing BPD people experience the most is fear or abandonment, rejection, or judgment.
I am currently dating an amazing guy, but when I first met him I dated him for 3 months, and I ran like hell! I was literally petrified that I would get hurt, he was too good for me, I wasnt pretty enough, and so on. I didn’t speak to him for six months after I ran. I wanted to date him so badly, and even thought of him often, but I was convinced it would end in heartbreak and that in the end I would only be an objectified by him and no one could ever truly love me. But After being properly medicated, I am now happy to say we’ve been dating successfully for 6 months. I stil have a whole bunch of fears, but meds help a lot and therapy too.
In a not-so-short way, I am saying, I can relate whole heartedly to your man. Idk if he has proper meds, or is any sort of therapy but this will help tremendously if he’s not. If he is in therapy, it takes time. It’s up to you if your wanted to sink your time into him. And if you do, help him find the right treatment. I really hopes this helps. Best wish to you and him
I am currently dating a bipolar, however, he is undiagnosed but portrays all the symptoms. Verbally abusive, manic and depressive shifts, extremely disrespectful, major insecurity issues and requires female attention constantly(narcissistic traits portrayed as well, he is always right, having the last say, it is always about him, no accountability for any actions), he seems to be very manipulative, which hurts and scares me. He has previously divorced and had to see a shrink however, the sessions never continued and he has had unresolved issues since then and more after several failed relationships after the marriage.
He has been in and out of relationships. It is getting to me, as he reacts very drastically and blow things out of proportions without a real reason and is extremely unstable and inconsistent. We are facing real challenges now that he has his business sold and is figuring out his future, he somehow seems to be least bothered and lives on the edge. This makes me feel he is not taking this relationship seriously, though there are times he would speak of marriage etc. I am really lost and I have been extremely sweet to him and to never react to his verbal abuse (and these sometimes in public), however, it just seems to not work, I catch him saying things that has nothing to do with me and even the one time I lost my cool and told him off was the only time, he tamed down. I do not want to be a lion tamer, I want to respect him and have a healthy relationship.
He is extremely jealous, controlling, possessive, anxious as well, stammers and speaks really fast, bites his nails and moves fast as well. Most times, his temper goes off when he is under the influence of alcohol. I am unable to tell if he is an alcoholic, but he definitely drinks quite a fair amount. I sometimes tell him enjoy the night and drink moderately and that would end up with him abusing me or raising his voice and I just don’t get it.
In the first month into the relationship, he was the sweetest most vulnerable guy, who seem to be the sort that has so much of love to give. To him, I was too good to be true and the best gf. Now he seems like the most un-empathetic partner and makes you feel like you are nothing.
He has promised to get help and till today it has not actually taken place. He did indicate as if he was afraid that the counseling is going to separate us more than get us together. Recently, he had an outburst and I had it recorded, for him to see how bad and unreasonable the abuse is and that he has a problem he needs to help. It got out of hand the abuse lasted so long in public and in the car, it was just really bad. All the foul words, screaming, wailing, crying and I was just in shock. He expects me to hold him lovingly in public and show him I love him right after he screams and calls me names. I was in shock and that too was a problem. Almost everything I do seems to be wrong, I called of the relationship after he said he never really wanted me in the first place and said a million times “you think you are beautiful and you are all that ay” “fuck off” and that night he liked his ex’s pic, that was my last draw. After that incident, he just flew off to an island and never informed and is back with new tattoos?
I need help, I love him but I need to know if this is worth fighting for. I don’t want him to go on with life this way. What do I do?
Honestly girl, find a man who respects you instead of a man who talks to other girls and flies off to islands. Like do I really need to say this? Plenty of dudes out there that aren’t sociopaths.
Hey, Rick! I’m a little late to this game, but wanted to put in my two cents: I’m a 27 year-old high-functioning bipolar II female who’s carefully medicated (for the most part), and constantly working reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaallyyyyy hard to get my BP under control.
That said, when I go through rare manic episodes (about twice a year, for 2-4 weeks each), I am the absolute worst person I can possibly imagine. I’m cold, hurtful, hateful, dramatic, and partial to throwing things, shoving, and histrionics. Obviously, I’ve talked with (and will continue to talk with) my mental health team about this as we try to wrangle it under control, but holy mackerel–I’ve reached a point where I genuinely believe I am less of a good person because I continue the relationship with my SO. (We’ve been together 10 years and are engaged. Thinking about him being my husband and raising a child together makes me sick with guilt and worry. I can’t subject a kid to these sorts of mood swings!) This morning I flew off the proverbial handle so hard without any sort of reality-based trigger that I flushed my engagement ring down the toilet while he watched. So. That’s good.
Ultimately, my question is this: I know (and love) that you’re teaching people how to be in a solid relationship when one SO has BP, especially since there’s some ominous article floating around saying that over 90% of BP marriages end in divorce.
That said, is it ever beyond hope? I’m quite literally doing nearly everything I can on my end (meds on timers, foods on timers, regular therapy, regular social activities, cognitive behavioral therapy both with my shrink and in a recommended workbook), and I STILL can’t control my bipolar.
Level with me, man. At this point, is it reasonable to end things with my SO? We’re talking constant guilt and self-loathing over the fact that I’m selfish enough to stay in the relationship. I genuinely do believe he’ll be waaaaaaay happier with someone else once he realizes how “easy” other people can be. Thoughts?
Well here’s the thing about Bipolar Disorder: it’s actually a legit illness that people need medication for. On the other hand, BPD is not. Doctors still aren’t able to truly diagnose it, especially in this narcissistic fucked up society we live in. So for your case, if the meds help then continue to stay on them. Your husband is a real trooper to stick around.
Have you tried taking up boxing? I always recommend contact sports for people who can’t get a grip on their emotions. Getting physical and active helps calm the mind and keep you focused. You should get serious about fitness and running and diet and all that. Don’t become a health nut, but being a “fitness chick” will do great things for you!
Hi, I have been in a relationship with a gorgeous bipolar bloke for 5 years, and I totally came in as a white knight, he had an abusive childhood at the hand of his mother, I have a loving family and thought I could be the woman to make him realise we are not all bad. He refuses med’s as he doesn’t want to feel void, instead self medicates with weed and beer (I have asked him to quit and he has for short periods however he seems even harder to handle in most cases without his clutches). I am calm and patient ( for a woman anyhow), I no I am weak and emotional, but where I know I have definitely 100% been in the right (where he has really made no sense) I have been assertive and stood up for myself, however somehow he will still talk in circles of frustration until he has made it into my fault. Now I am struggling so hard to cope and feel like I’m going mad. He goes manic at least twice a week for years and always insists I don’t relate and if I just related and listened it would all be fine, therefore I try and ask how he is feeling? what I can do to help?e.t.c. …all these thing but he continues to insist I’m not relating and I need to relate. I don’t know what he means anymore, or what I am doing wrong, (I am dyslexic – so maybe I just don’t know how to communicate in the right way?) or how to be more constructive that I am being, to the point where I am considering calling it a day after all this time but just don’t know. Do you have any advice that you think could help me? Truly I feel quite embarrassed, this is the first time in my life I have posted on a forum, but I have never felt so lost or troubled about anything in my life before.
I am so happy that I found this article. I’m not alone! I’ve been with my undiagnosed bipolar boyfriend for almost 4 years. It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. It started with him cheating on me with a coworker, which I forgave and we were working through (or so I thought). However, from there the ups and downs progressed. We would have periods of time where things would be fine only for him to tell me that things weren’t fine and he was faking it and he isn’t happy. That would last for a bit and then we would be back to a “calm state.” This manic episode is by far the worst yet. He has now decided that he doesn’t love me. However, he hasn’t left our home or made any plans or reference to doing so. He is still sharing a bed with me, having sex with me, and showing me affection; though I’ve pulled away to an extent. After a discussion with a close friend, I decided to give him some emotional space. I am not telling him I love him every time I leave or every time we get off of the phone. We hug, he kisses me on the cheek… etc., but we aren’t as affectionate as we were. However, he has these moments where something happens and he breaks down. For instance, I told him I missed him the other night and I teared up. He hugged me and started crying hysterically and said he was so sorry and he hated seeing me like this– meanwhile, I was okay. Last night, he seemed down so I gave him a half hug and he instantly started crying and I gave him a bigger hug. The harder I hugged him, the harder he cried. I asked what was wrong and he said again that it was hard seeing me like this. I asked if that was it… he said what else would it be? I said, no part of you still loves me? He said, “no, I’m leaving you?”I said, “are you?” to which he responded, “that’s the next logical step, right?” he continued crying and told me that it was so hard to watch our lives and relationship crumble around him. Just today he told me, when I was having an emotional moment, “I’m trying to… I don’t know… but I care about you and I’m going to be here for you especially when I’m the reason you’re hurting.” Nothing makes sense anymore. He knows that he has something mental going on and we’ve talked about him going to talk to someone, but I can only do so much. It has to be his decision to get help. I don’t know how to present it to him again without making him feel pressured. I don’t believe for a second that he doesn’t love me and I’m not ready to give up on him. At this point, I’m just taking it a day at a time :(
@ Rick, I want to join this academy of hours but you mentioned something about it working especially for the female borderline. I’m a 24 year old African girl dating a dutch borderline man for 7 months now..we have had a few downs but I’m looking to working on myself while trying my best with this relationship. Will the academy help even though its a male borderline I’m dealing with?
Depends what you’re seeking. Believe it or not, half of the members in the Relationship Academy are women. And they stick around! A lot of the women tell me that I’ve helped them find their inner strength and confidence that they lost. I think that’s a big step because a woman who has no confidence will let an abusive man walk all over her and destroy her emotionally…
So I am moderately bipolar and have been thinking about entering a relationship with someone who has BPD. We are both on lighter medication for it.
I am really just wondering if this seems like an okay idea. We’ve had no history of being violent, we actually have similar thinking and intent, but we are still very very young.
Yeah why not go for it? What I’ve realized over the years is that people are going to do what they want to do, lol. No matter what you tell them, they will do what they want. Therefore, just do what you feel is best for you. You’ll either learn and improve along the way, or be ego-driven and blame everyone else for your problems.
Hi there .. Thank the Lord I found this .. Ok I am South African married to a Belgian living in Europe. Wirl wind love in a few months of marriage I soon discovered all the signs of BPD( didn’t know then) .we have a child together and have one from previous relationship ( who has since left me becouse of him) I have lost control of me . I resorted to drinking to block the physical and verbal abuse… We have a business together that he has run to the ground by not managing it well.. I don’t know if I should change the attitude or just leave .. After 10yrs it’s not easy
Hey man I hope you’re able to find the answers that you’re looking for. A lot of problems we have in life are simply due to not having an understanding/education into our fellow humans. The more you educate yourself, the more you’ll gain that awareness and understanding. That’s why I made this blog because I want to educate people based on my experiences.
This was an awesome read. I suffer from bipolar and BPD. My life is ruined. I’m almost 40 years old now and like you said due to advances in technology and medicine I’m only just figuring out what is going on in my head. It’s hard! It is so hard! It hurts so much! My wife of nine years left me two days ago because she could not handle my ups and downs and emotional roller coaster.
I feel so broken and empty inside! I didn’t mean to hurt her! I never wanted to! But I couldn’t help it! If only I would have known sooner what was wrong maybe I could have done something to fix it. Thank you for writing this.
Do you feel any different now that you are more aware of your situation? Do you feel more in control of yourself and your thoughts? How important is understanding and realization of your own issues helping you?
Cortney Moody says
I also suffer from BPD. My marriage is on the rocks…I hate the turmoil I cause my husband and my loved ones. I feel like I’m watching myself in a movie that’s on a continuous loop that I can’t stop. This was a very good article. As hard as it is to think that I do these things…I do :( I’m trying to seek a specialist but in the mean time I’m trying to learn how to change my thinking on my own so that I can repair my marriage. I know my husband loves me but I also know that I have pushed him away because of my antics so he doesn’t show love or even say I love you anymore. I want to get that back. I am open to changing my thinking! I do not like this person I have become.
Thanks for confirming a lot of what I say. I know a lot of haters like to disagree and argue, but I know what I’m talking about. The good news is that AWARENESS is how you heal. A doctor once told me that the first step to curing a sickness is first admitting that you’re sick. So you’ve taken that first step. Now you just got to educate and learn and you’ll see that you can improve!
This is exactly what is going on in my marriage. My husband says he’s constantly “walking on eggshells”, on an emotional roller coaster bc of my emotions. He understands (to a certain point) the absence of being able to control most if it being an empath and feeling everything so deeply, living with BPD & Bipolar as well as all the side effects these mental illnesses bring such as major depression, anxiety, insecurities, worries, etc etc etc.
I believe my husband has bipolar or possibly a narcissist also. We have been together a total of 3 years. About twice a month he breaks up with me for a few days. He starts accusing me of being with other men, which isn’t true. He gets really nasty and verbal abusive. Then a day or 2 passes he tries to make up with me like nothing happened. He will claim after it wasn’t a real break up. I am so emotionally drained and hurt… the narcissist part is like he thinks he is sooo attractive. He asks me to take pictures of him anywhere we go in different poses in same area. He doesn’t want me looking at any men at all that pass in front.. I find myself looking at the ground walking to avoid even glancing at a man in front of my husband. He gets very moody! Very irritable! Fights over any small reason. I caugbt him many times talking to women on facebook. Exs also…He sleeps a lot. Has no patience. Blames me for everything. He has gone to health department and they just perscribed him a antidepressant… at least 3 doctors have perscribed antidepressants so something isn’t right… but it isn’t just depression. He can’t hold a job either….
You’re in an emotional prison. The fact that you have to look at the ground is proof that you’re basically his slave. He has control over you, your mind and basically everything that you want to do. The solution? You must reject this crap. Think of yourself as rising up against the master. This you must do or you will never find any happiness in your life. You’ll live as his servant forever. Time to put yourself first.
Just a girl says
I just got out of a relationship with exactly what you are explaining what you went through!! I too went through the same problems with my partner.. it’s very draining not to mention clouds your head.. I was like his caregiver, his happy drug.. always making sure he was happy and his mood was stable but always worrying about when the next blow out would be.. I feel a bit lost now since my every second of the day does not revolve around him anymore..
I lost who I was and what I was all about and what I needed to feel happy again..
I was enjoying and fully understanding your article until I reached the point of “manipulation”. I would like to clear up something. As a woman with BPD & Bipolar, I am very far from being the manipulative type, per say. This is highly a misconception continuously stated about those who suffer from these mental illnesses. I on the other hand am a huge empath, always putting everyone before me & bending over backwards for people. All the while, especially my husband, using my mental illness as the reason for everything we’re going thru at the moment. For those that have never dated or lived with someone living with #BPD or #Bipolar should know that we’re all NOT manipulative.
Well what I usually state and mean by manipulation/games/etc. is that a lot of these actions are done subconsciously. You don’t even know you’re being manipulative, and to me personally I wouldn’t see it that way because I know what’s going on. However, other people view it as manipulation. And that’s okay. The problem is that your husband simply doesn’t know how to deal with it. That’s the real issue here. It’s not really your fault.
I’ve been together with my husband for 12 years and married for 7. We have teenagers from previous relationships, no children together. I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), Bipolar, Major Depressive Disorder & Generalized Anxiety 5 years ago when I realized I couldn’t help myself anymore. I’ve been on a plethora of medications since and I’m sure it’s changed me. Lately it’s been pretty awkward between us. Can’t have a conversation bc it’s a constant back & forth, there’s never an end. He sees colors, I see black & white (yes, part of having Bipolar), most times how he thinks things should be is the right or better way than how I think it should be. He has stated that bc of my illness I lack the ability to rationalize at times. I tell him it has nothing to do with my illness, it’s just my train of thought, just like he has his. We have never really had a lot of things in common but now it’s worse. I’m disabled and he works from home. I’m so depressed, I take a nap for a few hours almost every day, I’m bored, I’m just existing I’m not living.
I’m thinking about taking a break, going out of state and staying with my dad. I think some time apart would be beneficial (I’m aware of the risks/consequences) that come with this but at this point in our lives, I feel not even marriage counseling is helping! I always leave feeling worse than when I got there. I DON’T want to be the cause of his depression, of him feeling these feelings, of robbing him from his happiness. I don’t want to do that to anymore. Right now, I’m the one causing all this bc of my depression, bc I isolate myself, bc I cry over situations that affect me. I don’t know what it is to him if it doesn’t involve him especially when it’s with my kids.
Has anyone taken a “break” from their marriage? By break I don’t mean seeing other people or breaking-up. I mean some time apart, to regroup thoughts, emotions, what you want out of life that you may not be getting now.
What you’re describing is what I call the slow death into the abyss. Because you have no goals or mission or whatever in life, you’re just slowing fading away into nothingness. This is what causes depression and it’s why so many millinos of people in our first world society suffer — people are simply existing with no purpose.
Therefore, you need to find something that gives you purpose. Something that gives you a reason to get excited. It doesn’t matter what it is. Find something that makes you excited! Painting? Sewing? Playing an instrument? Building a business? Writing? What is iT?
My ex was bipolar we dated for almost 3 years on and off. He refused to take medication. 2 years ago we broke up due to a small dumb arguement, he quickly got into another relationship for about 3 months and then came back asking for forgiveness claiming he didn’t know why he did that, that he was tired of the fights and he felt lonely. We recently broke up beginning of July by aug he started dating some other girl. Is this a pattern? Does it occur often? This was around the same time he left before. Same months. Do bipolar people tend to do this? I have a strong feeling he’s gonna end up coming back and asking for forgiveness again. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. This roller coaster sometimes is too much.
Yeah well bipolar is actually a real illness, whereas diagnosing someone with BPD will get you a different opinion depending on who you ask. In 2016 it’s still misdiagnosed all the time and experts disagree on it’s seriousness all the time. But Bipolar isn’t disagreed upon – it is a serious illness. And they are very hard to have relationships with. But they ARE possible. I have a family friend who’s been with his bipolar wife for decades. They have 3 kids (who are somewhat crazy I might add lol but they’re also hardcore liberal and that tends to be a common trend). What I suggest is that when he does come back, tell him that you aren’t taking him back just because he’s lonely. Let him know that if he wants you back, he has to EARN IT.
jonny jim says
hi Rick I can’t stop resenting my bpd gf for texting how amazing she thought my best mate was and then trying to get him around the house but it never happenEd because they decided at the last minute not to. my life has fallen apart and I can’t help but blame her but I love her and I really don’t know what to do. don’t know how to stop winding her up.
Lol you should just say “that’s great, go be with him then” and then just go back to doing your own thing. The key is to not get needy, don’t get mad at her, don’t chase her. It’s the wrong way to respond to these jealousy games.
A Person says
Hey Rick, I just started a relationship with a girl with BPD, very new. I’m trying to do my research, but everyone is saying different things, “They can’t be trusted, don’t do it”, “They are people they have the same chance of cheating and lying as the regular person.”
My family used to do a program called Safe Families (an alternative to foster homes) and we took care of a girl with BPD and she lied a lot. This is why I am trying to do research, I want this to work. If you could email me, I’d be very appreciative.
The reason that people say different things is because BPD is a broad term and everyone is different. This is why I tell my readers to focus on the *specific behaviors* that your partner is doing. You got to research from a different point of view. This is why I have a big following because I talk about specifics instead of just broad BPD stuff.
Love this site and it is nice to see I am not alone.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. He was married for 10 years. His divorce was final and mine was almost final. We were both separated. He told me upfront that he is bipolar, OCD and ADHD and is a recovering drug addict. He takes meds and is in therapy.
We had minor arguments but nothing drastic and we always worked things out. He never called me horrible names (besides “jerk” but always said he was kidding) and he was not violent. He was not very nice to his parents’ pets, though. He lived at home with his folks since his divorce and would say he wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t have severe mood swings but would get easily annoyed or irritable at times and I would walk on eggshells as to not upset him. He had an obsession with shopping in general but clothes especially. He spent money like crazy but he has a good job and works regularly. He chain smoked cigarettes and drank coffee like it was water. He did not eat healthy or exercise and complained of being tired a lot. Overall, though, he was sweet, caring, affectionate, smart, charismatic and witty. He talked to me several times daily, saw me regularly and told me he loved me often.
Everything seemed fine until last week. I missed a call from him and then he texted he would call me back later. I responded okay. He never called back so I texted him. No response. I called him and no answer. This is unusual behavior for him. I called and texted a couple more times through the night. I finally got a text from him the next morning saying he loves me but can’t be with me anymore. He has to end this chapter of his life. Goodbye. It was so sudden and unexpected. The day before, he was attentive and telling me he loves me.
I am so lost and hurt. He won’t talk to me now, calls or texts. I believe he has blocked my number. Would this be the bipolar disorder even if he is on meds? I love him so much and miss him greatly. Sadly, from everything I have read, I believe I met him in a manic state and now he is depressed or found someone new. I am still shocked at how fast this turned.
Hello guys i’m AXL 22 yo been dating this 19 yo gurl for about 2 months,it all started with i was at a bar and a stranger appeared was bothering this random gurl and i went to help her then got her home safe she gave me her number Facebook etc so it started from there.
The gurl was 19 yo and her parents were like 30yo+ , so basically they were really Strict with her, she was like in a home Prison , because they made a mistake when they were younger so she does not get pregnant etc,it’s her first year at Uni she studies Psychology.
First conversations at facebook were really great she was smart shared my world etc.
Okey firstly she was really sexual probably i hit her up on her Bipolar Phases or sth,then she would tell me tomorrow we should not talk i’m not a bitch i just can’t really control myself sometimes,i told her i accept you the way you are and i love you the way you are.
We went out head fun etc she was connecting with me alot i supported her emotionally a lot,she told me i cannot live without you i keep thinking about you your bothering my mind a lot lately,i need you tho’s kind of words,the other thing i noticed is that she told me Good things do not last long,and i don’t wanna get hurt i told her there is no reason for me to hurt you i love you and i will to the last breathe.
In the other meeting she keept overthinking every little detail crying etc telling me your going to use me then ditch me and play with my emotions everytime i talked through it supported her told her i head no reason too, then she shared she was on a Depression a heavy one through summer and lost some weight etc, her parents fixated to her mind that all guys are the same and i told her to not be selfish because she has to think about me also not leave me and ruin sth good that it just started so it went like this.
So this is were it gets really weird, we would go out and does not matter if it’s a female or male she would care less about physical traits,she would kiss females in front of me acting like a Bisexual beast anyways,she told me she loves me more than anything etc.
There was this other girl writing cute comments on my instagram she would get really jelly tell me that i love the other girl and i would always tell her your my only one i don’t love anyone else and i blocked that random girl from my instagram.
Every night she would overthink everything cry and pm me telling me i can’t help it i really love you tried many times to ditch me i told her i will do whatever it takes i promise you,talking about suicide drugs she never used them doe,how she feels empty i spark her etc how she feels alone,darkness seeing dreams with spiders cry etc.
In the last 2 weeks she went so cold so i decided to ask her what is the matter,and she told me she feels really tired,does not care about anything wants just to hang out in her computer,feels tired but she can’t sleep and that she talked to many people lately and she is not talkative,and told me it’s just not you you know i mean WTF.
She would give me the same emotional validation doe keep the texts shorter,the intervals got shorter and shorter to 1-2 messages daily no meeting no anything and she would be online the whole time,so it really pissed me off asked her again being a bit needy and clingy,she told me i’m really sorry that i made you feel this way it’s not true that i don’t wanna talk to you etc.
The last text is sent her asking her if she feels the same feelings she feelt before she would answer it’s not true that i don’t wanna talk to you and you should not be overthinking things imagine she is trying to use her Bipolar Defense Mechanism by trying to make me look crazy.
So then i really got pissed and told her why are you ignoring my question i’m talking about emotions and stuff,i asked her straightly do you love me do you feel the same feelings you feelt before she answers with”I don’t know, can’t we just change the topic,i told her just clarify this thing please why did you grow distant is it my fault did i do sth to hurt you??
Shes like”No it’s not your fault,i don’t know what to say,i don’t have anything to say.
It’s like every time i try to pressure her she grows more distant,gives me no reason ,i tried to bring old memories it’s like everything is erased from her memory,i keep thinking of what i did wrong to hurt the love of my life i can’t see a reason,she keeps the high self esteem respects me 0%,tells me i dont know what i feel ,feeds anger everything i tell her is boring tells me its not true that i don’t wanna talk to you and keeps it with 1 message a day,likes other dudes photos all the time,probably talking to other dudes everytime i try to bring an old memories rather she forgot it or acts that way refuses it makes me look crazy,changes the topic.
I really thought at first she was playing games or sth,but right now i see she has all the Bipolar Sign’s a really rude disrespectful Bipolar,so i told her i can’t really continue like this everytime i gave her emotions told her she means the world to me she grew more distant at old times she would answer with the same emotions even more.
So i told her i will set you free give you space time like you asked if you really loved me you will come back if not it’s your lost,i can’t really continue talking with this kind of character aka mindset your sharing right now she answers with”Okey whatever,okey take care”
I left her message on seen and didn’t pm back idk if this was rude,i really could not tell her i will support you to the last min and love you cuz everytime i keept saying that she would grow even more distant.
It’s like her brain stopped working she feeds anger rudeness with me and enjoys everything else without giving me a reason.
I cant really keep it this way even doe shes on my heart and mind every second,she has to learn to behave,its like i’m talking to this total stranger that’s empty feelingless emotionless sharing some weird death stuff etc in facebook and she wont allow me to help her.
I went on a NC it’s the 11th day nothing from her it’s like everything she said every live memory that we head just vanished and she does not care i’m sure she does not think even about me anymore,all tho’s words she used to tell me.
I’m 100% sure right now she has a Manic/Bipolar Disorder it’s my first time i’m experiencing the love of my life to have it,it’s really painful and i feel like i’m on a living hell right now idk what to do if i contact her she will keep it short disrespecting rude angry and consider me like her bitch if i don’t contact her i’m afraid shes gone forever.
The question is do they forget memories all tho’s emotions,will they contact you sooner or later is there a slim possibility??I’m just so surprised how she forgot everything.
If they contact you should i act again with emotions it’s probably that she is going to use me for something i guess i want to teach her to behave as she used to??
Please guys help me i’m really hopeless and you can really help me to clear my mind it would mean a lot i’m really alone thank you.
Hi, Rick! I would like to start off by saying that everything you’ve written that I’ve read so far has been spot on when it comes to discussing Borderline. I am a woman with BPD and I’m currently struggling in a relationship. I get mad at him often for no reason at all. When I do, I tell him to leave, ignore his texts and calls, and often go as long as two days without talking to him. I want to stop this, but sometimes I don’t realize what I’m doing until I’ve already done it. Sometimes I’ll get so angry at him that I want to hit him. And it’s always over something STUPID! I get mad at him a lot for walking to class (we’re in college) instead of taking his bike even when his class is close. He’s very submissive and lets me control everything, which I think is wrong. He’s always been closed off though. He just takes the verbal abuse I always give him and I want to stop. I want to stop the fights. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him. But it seems like every little thing he does, such as breathing wrong, I get so highly pissed off. He shows me nothing but affection and I go and treat him like garbage. What do I need to change? What does he need to change?
Well maybe all that affection and appreciation is getting on your nerves. I don’t blame you. Women hate needy men. And your boyfriend is being very needy to the point where even breathing is pissing you off, lol. Women really don’t like “nice guys” and this is proof of that. You might not even know why you react so negatively to his behavior, but I am telling you why: because women on a SUBCONSCIOUS level can’t stand needy, nicey nice men. It’s as simple as that!
Hello I wanted to ask something. I’m reading a book about BPD because I was diagnosed with it. At first I thought it was puberty, but now that I am 25 years old, I’m starting to notice my relationships don’t go well and that is fully on me. I become very bored, I’m in my second relationship and we are together fore more than 5 years, my previous relationship was also 5 years, but it was a really bad one… The boyfriend I have now is loving and caring, he knows how to react when I am overreacting and he can handle me. The only problem isn he doesn’t work and is really lazy. He lives with me but because he is here, I can’t stand him. When I’m away for two days with friends, I seem to miss him, but when I get home, I hate him again. I’m seeing a therapist and I’m trying to make a list whether or not I have to let him go. I’m just scared, that if I let him go, I will have lost someone great. Just because I’m not feeling really in love most of the time. I know love wears off, but this is only my second relationship and sometimes I feel as if I deserve more, as if I deserve someone who can not only handle me, but really tries to understand me and has his life together, because I’m already so difficult, I don’t need to be someone’s mother or maid and I really need support. I sometimes feel like he doesn’t give me that. I think I’m being very selfish, but I need to be, my therapist says. I just don’t know when I’m feeling something or thinking something and whether or not my thoughts are real or not… I try talking to friends, but I can’t explain how I feel. I just don’t know what to do, I need to find that out for myself, but I can’t get out of it. I’m also very afraid to be alone. I was just out of my previous relationship when I started this one, and sometimes I feel like I’ve done things too fast because I felt in love… Sometimes I think I should be alone and figure things out, but than I’m scared I fall in love too easily again without really knowing if the relationship is going to go anywhere in a long term… If I break up, and I will someday have another relationship, I get the feeling that maybe it’s going to be the same with someone else, because I am too difficult, because it’s all on me… I love my boyfriend, but I get the feeling he loves me more, and that makes me feel very depressed… Because I can’t give anything more and I don’t know if I can handle kids and a normal life, I really try, and I’m further than where I was a year ago, but it really is a fight every day… I really hate the way I feel and am towards other people, but it is stronger than me… Do you maybe have some advice for me? I really don’t know where to go from here.
Your boyfriend is an unemployed loser who’s always in your space. OF COURSE you’re going to be bored and annoyed of him, lol. This is why I always tell guys that they need to be pursuing their own mission in life. To set big goals. It’s what women LOVE LOVE LOVE in a man. So, everything you’re feeling is simply your natural, feminine way of being. Women on a SUBCONSCIOUS level can’t stand men who don’t do anything with their lives…
I REALLY need your advice. After 7 amazing months with my boyfriend he suddenly fell depressed and shut down. I’ve taken care of him the last two months when symptoms appeared and he recently moved out. His inconsistency of telling me he loved me one day and then ignoring me the next became unbearable. The more he shut down the more I tried to help but demanded answers. He kept saying he couldnt take the arguments and that I deserved better. I’ve done everything from cooking, to preparing healthy meals, making psychiatric doc appts for him to wiping his vomit but nothing I did was good enough.
The day after he moved out he decided to go to a psychiatric doctor and was diagnosed w bipolar disorder 1. Doc says he’s had a manic episode in the past and gave him meds. The thing is this whole time I didn’t know what was really going on and thought he was finding an excuse to break up. He kept telling me I didn’t understand his depression. I read articles and started accepting it was depression Bc he lost more than 10lbs in a month as per his primary doctor, started smoking cigarettes ,(not drinking thankfully has been clean for 3 years) and stopped eating and all he did was oversleep. What’s different to every article I’ve read here is that in my case he was never verbally abusive or aggressive. It was always self negative talk about not being good enough or simply doing everything wrong or not loving himself therefore not being able to love me like I wanted. I realize now that my mistake has been demanding answers day and night and trying to understand his neglect toward me and. Of giving him enough space or using the right words to calm him and show support. But honestly it was hard….Sometimes there was love and sometimes none. I do know that just Bc he isn’t mean to me doesn’t mean he isn’t sick, but the way I see him interact at work or w family and the fact that he is now taking meds and went to see a doctor is a good sign But makes me question if he actually just wanted a reason to breakup. He’s the one who has given up after all of my constant support. He keeps saying he doesn’t blame me but that our arguments make him worse. I don’t get that. I do feel bad and truly love him but at this point I feel I should let him go since he isn’t making an effort to talk to me or reconcíliate. He doesn’t sound like a severe bipolar case but what do I know? I don’t know if he will get better or if he will even realize his love for me and come back. I’m willing to help him even by buying him your program but is it worth it ? Help please.
Really great information OT. I could have easily written your story, as my experiences are EXACTLY the same. It’s so very interesting and deeply personal.
Hey, my BPD symptoms ex broke up with me 2 months ago over text after being with me for 1 year and half. She said it’s not you but me. That she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and she needed space for herself. I didn’t respect that and got mad at her especially when she was already seeing other people the next day. I acted desperate, needy, and let all my emotions pour out over texts and voicemails. I even tried to meet her in person but she prevented that from happening and said I was turning myself against her. She started cursing at me to leave her alone but I couldn’t stop. She kept saying it was just an extension of a break, but I fully saw it wasn’t. She couldn’t completely cut me off. I was frustrated from the lack of closure, so instead of giving me a straight up answer she kept saying “I don’t want that right now”. It was my first breakup and my emotions completely took over me. After I finally did, she never texted me back after that. I tried to apologize but she said you can’t keep texting me. I even sent her an apology letter but a week later and no response. I have told her I would keep respecting her space but she isn’t the one who forgives people. I’m pretty sure I lost her forever which is unfortunate because I was prepared to give her all the help she needs. How can I remedy the situation if possible? Or how do I avoid attracting these kind of people?
You’ll never have a healthy relationship if you have this needy mindset of “I was prepared to give her all the help she needs.” That’s a codependent mentality, and it’s why so many men fail in relationships. It’s not your job to take care of her. Relationships aren’t about caretaking. That’s such bullshit. The reason you keep attracting these kinds of people is because of your codependency. It’s why I always say that codependency is worse than BPD because it attracts low quality partners, partners who are losers in life.
Rick, I’ve been married to my wife for the past 3 years been with her 4 years. in the beginning thing were rocky, they’ve always been, but we managed to stay together for this long. she has a daughter which became mine. she is 8 years old. we had a happy family, but about 2 and a half years ago, one of her therapist realized that she had BPD and told her to continue therapy, she had to change therapist and so that therapist told her she did not have that. so she has not gotten treated for it. i had messed up and i had a problem defending her from my family and whatever insult they gave her, she got fed up and about a moth ago she left me and said that she is no longer in love with me, and left me she moved back where her family is from she is already talking to someone else, and having sexual relationship, i’m not sure how i can save my marriage. can anyone help please? I love my wife and i want to make our marriage work. i know being with someone with BPD is difficult, but please help me.
It is hard to know exactly for lack of information. But if I had to speculate, you may have blamed the disorder too much and may have used it as a defense. The key is to gain a better understanding of why things -are the way they are via learning to understand her perspective through guides here. I do not recommend developing an understanding directly through her until you know what to expect first. Reason being, her responses will be filled with emotions, and some responses are from insecurities that try to self-fulfill themselves—for example, I try too hard to be helpful, go out of my way, you’d almost think I was a pushover but I’m not. Once I gain that sort of dependency from someone, once I start fighting their battles for them, they’ve lost all of my respect and I am done with them. I do not want to be a caretaker, but I have a fear of dependency and it is my subconscious mind’s way of delivering a test. I want someone who doesn’t need me, because relationships are based on needs, they are based on desires. Anyways, educate yourself so you know when you are being tested. Then re-evaluate why things were the way they were. Make a list of all of the mistakes you made since you weren’t reacting correctly. It is not a blame game and if you own up to your mistakes, you’ll gain her respect. But be careful, if you are saddened at the moment, do not do it to the extent you blame yourself for things that weren’t your fault. She’ll see that if you do, and respect you less for it. Not only that, but she’ll trust you less and apologies from then on out will only become more and more meaningless the more you abuse the phrase. For all of the things you failed to be assertive on, you have to let go. It is your fault for not addressing them when they occurred and people with BPD respond well to assertion, and horribly to issues that are brought up past their expiration (relevant) date. Accomplish all of the above, and you should be able to approach her better.
after 10 years of being together and learning last year that my husband has bpd, it has made so much sense to me now after years of emotional abuse, gaslighting, and confusion. I love him and yet it sounds really harsh but if i’d known what bpd was and he had it we never would have dated. I don’t think i would have even considered it unless he had gone through dbt therapy and continued therapy firmly accepting his diagnoses and changing his life. If i’d known about bpd before i would have realized my ex had it as well and because of me being a codependent i attract that type of person. He has gotten the diagnosis but because we quickly ran into a hitch with no dbt around where we live and his own phyciatrist seeming unwilling to give much help to him, he is ignoring the diagnosis completely and not seeking any treatment. It has been really extremely rough and i don’t recommend this to anyone or even would to myself. I’m not sure what the future holds, considering i almost left him over an extremely inappropriately close female friend that i’m still not sure if he actually cheated on me with and he told me he would do anything to keep me from leaving him included starting therapy to treat bpd. Although, he didn’t end the friendship because i told him i was leaving him he ended because they had a falling out and he devalued her. It frankly still bothers me because he was gonna let me walk away and divorce him because he wouldn’t end their relationship so i honestly feel like the backup plan when their relationship ended. But here i am 8 months after the promise, starting to think it was an empty one. He still refuses and ignores that he has it and has yet to have real acceptance.
It’s virtually impossible for the relationship to improve as long as he fails to accept that he has a problem. If he isn’t seeking treatment, then there’s really nothing you can do on your end other than just putting yourself first and not letting him abuse you.
Where’s your evidence that relationships are worse than ever before? Citation? I know, I get that you are writing from personal experiences/anecdotes/etc but I’m actually curious about this “all-time” record number. Not trying to dismiss it.
Oh just google it man, plenty of stats showing that there are more single, alone men now than ever before, women are unhappier now than every before, BPD and other personality disorders are rising at an alarming rate, divorce rates are highest ever, etc.
I’ve been married to a BPD (just found out about that last week) for 21 years. He tells me he has emotionally shut off from me, and that I will NEVER be allowed to hurt him again. But he is staying for the kids. Still he does kind things for me. He refuses however to go out with me because he says that while he is “proud to be seen with me because of my “appearance” he is embarrassed of me when I speak! Now, I am an intelligent, competent woman. Most of the time in social settings I am the person that people come gather around and enjoy talking to, and he is the one seen as “difficult” and even nerdy. But I AM codependent and I am learning to navigate that. My question is, should I just not talk when I am around him? Be the silent “trophy wife” so I gain his trust back? I guess he gets upset because I usually disagree with him and don’t side with his views. I AM working on being more chill, and letting him think and do without my constant “mothering” or “hovering”. But should I just “stepford wife” myself and become mute. Or should I stand my ground?!? What is going on?
Hell no, do not be the silent trophy wife. Those things he said to you are ridiculous. I would encourage you to be the “Well fuck you, I’m going to go with you and say whatever the fuck I want, get over it” type of wife. Don’t let him walk all over you like the asshole that he is.
This article is a godsend. I’ve been suffering with BPD for years, but have only been diagnosed within the last 12 months. A few months back I entered my first relationship since my diagnosis, and was absolutely terrified. I don’t see myself as an aggressive almost stereotypical textbook borderline but rather someone who is trying to desperately help herself, who’s extremely self aware of her problems and is trying to become a better person. Honestly, I think I’m getting there, and I recently starting looking for resources for my boyfriend so he could better understand my thought processes, but the amount of horrible videos and articles I came across that just said people with BPD are heartless, evil monsters who should be avoided (some people even compared us to hitler or worse, calling for us to be sterilized, etc) and it broke my heart, I couldn’t relate to any of it, and I became scared of myself as a result. To read an article that actually treats BPD sufferers as humans rather as villains is so refreshing, thank you so much.
Thank you for this comment. It’s interesting as I get just as much hate as I get priase for my articles. Some people absolutely hate the Human Approach that I take, which simply boggles my mind. But, it is what it is. Keep your head up and I wish you the best.
Great stuff Rick –
I’d like to say first of all, that everything Rick is saying regarding standing your ground when needed, not being a p*%sy, and establishing boundaries is 100% true. All of it.
But i think what needs to be added is that this strategy will STILL only work on a percentage of women with actual BPD or comorbid disorders.
The real reason you should wear the pants is for YOU. Because when the inevitable occurs, and it will, you need to be prepared to walk away with dignity. You will mourn more quickly (or maybe not at all depending on your emotional health) and you won’t ruminate.
Always focus on the NOW with these people. Not what she said or did yesterday because of it was that big of an issue you should have her in your rear view mirror. And for Christ’s sake don’t think about the future more than 2 weeks in advance. Or else you’ll be cancelling vacations.
I didn’t hold my ground. I walked into a relationship with an enormously hot, tattooed, pierced, successful artist. Me 47. Her 36. I knew something was off. She hated her mother and mentioned something about it every day. Her father was paralyzed neck down her whole life and she thinks her mom killed her dad. Idolized me. Gave me an apartment key in 2 weeks. Told me she loved me in 3 weeks. You know how the sex was. She also smokes a fully packed bowl every 45 mins. I smoke once a week.
I had more life experience. Successful professional. Two grown kids. Daughter 22 son 19. Divorced 15 years and chose to remain unmarried indefinitely or until the right circumstance.
This is where I fucked up. For three months I stood my ground. I ignored one thing that I probably should have curbed her for. I picked her up to meet my father for the first time and she got into my car drunk after meeting her guy friends at the pub. That might be ok for some people but not me. But I slipped up.
I noticed there was something “off.” She scared the shit out of me. It was stressful to talk with her because she was SO INTENSE. She had ugly duckling syndrome (I was ugly until I got hot at 20). Btw stay away from these ones. They need constant male attention. She was so clingy. Wanted to spend every minute with me.
She was moving too quickly and I wouldn’t commit. This caused obvious distress in her. She told me she never had this happen before and that I was the most difficult guy to figure out (that means you’re doing it right). I was protecting myself. I knew her for 3 months. She had only two female friends. The rest were dudes she drank with. Her pot dealer buddy would hang at her house when he brought weed over. For all I knew she was a whore! I never called her out I just said I wasn’t ready.
My next move caused a chain of events leading to me contemplating suicide this past April.
I gave in. We expressed concern over possible hurdles in the relationship. And we agreed to eliminate threats and work toward common goals. Hahaha
16 months later I was the inverse perdonality of the man I was when I met her. I won’t fill in the blanks but there were scores of breakups makeups. Kicking me out begging me back. Me chasing her chasing. Threw food all over the interior of my car. Insulted my daughter to me. Complaining.
And I would apologize to her for her behavior. Haha. Suffering cats.
She dumped me and started coming down with symptoms of MS. I nursed her for 2 months like a god damned soulless robot seeking approval. She went on a soup of psych meds and replaced me with a bartender. By this point I was insane. I loved her enough to die for her. I was so jealous that the new guy was receiving what I got in the honeymoon phase.
Nothing that happened was anything I didn’t allow. My advice is to stay the f#%k away people. If you choose to venture into this territory you may survive but you will get cut. But most of us will be sent back to the worst abandonment fears a child could ever have.
sol cutta says
well ive been in a bpd relationship with my ex fiancé now just my gf as it was broken off lol,for almost 5yrs..she once came home with a a4 print out about bpd and said this is what I think I have and another about narcissists and claimed this is what I think you are,shes not right but iam autistic..so im sure you can imagine our on off love hate relationship where things break down so much it wouldn’t be a lie to sy we must have been fallen out and gotten back together at least 200 times in this period.she says iam the first man she has ever loved and she was 35 when I met her and 5yrs out of a long term r,ship of 13yrs.she has two kids.we had one but she had a abortion.tho she says she was more like friends with her ex shew lived with him rather quickly wheras myself she and I can only seem to manage 3-4 days at a spell..i could go on n on but sure u know all this,we are from the uk and both on disability for mental health(anxiety)and neither been diagnosed officially…I unfortunately cant afford to pay for your course or I would but I have still learnt some valuable tips from this free part of the site,so thankyou..will we stay together? right now shes been in a year long depression n breakdown because I left her tho never ceased contact n did try here and there and I slipped into substance addiction,so still she is having trouble trusting me again but we both hang in there,im not sure for how much longer but I do love her so much and believe ive tried too hard and made many mistakes I see described here.esp accusing her of cheating although I don’t think she has but her disapearences for days on end set me thinking and its something I must stop,like tonight I didn’t accuse her as such but said she was talking to someone more interesting when she took over hour n half to reply to my text when she said she had a story to tell me and said ill text in a minute…silly me…I must stop…so im sure for next few days I wont hear from her as she will hate me…I didn’t however react and bite when she went crazy on me and she almost immediately stopped when I left a vice mail telling her to stop texting me at 1.20 in morning after she had told me to f…off..it worked…so being firm does indeed work,usually I would enable her behaviour even tho I know I instigated it this time…anyway thanks again..great site
Of course being firm works, it’s a key part of what I advocate here. What sticks out to me in your comment i how you put too much weight on her words. She says youre the first person she’s ever loved, but this makes no sense since she is incapable of love (as are most people in general). She might have the strongest affection towards you, but love is never cruel or mean or whatever… so that isn’t love. Don’t get these things mixed up. True love has no quarrels.
Hey Rick, I just happened upon ur site researching bipolar disorder and lying. I’ve read almost 40% of all these posts that date back to 2014.
This has been the most informative and illuminating site I have found on bipolar disorder in relationships.
In my situation I have known this woman (30 yr old), for 9 years. We have been best friends during this time. She was diagnosed when she was 23, I was the one who was there when she had her first major full blown manic episode.
We recently started a relationship and it ended due to essentially the similar situations that everyone else seems to have faced, lying, emotional cheating etc. But I realise that I had no control over my emotions the whole time I was with her.
We only fought about her past, her ex and her lies. I didn’t understand what bipolar relationships were like until I got into one. I should have done more research. I understand her so much more now and understand all the mistakes we both made that lead to our breakup.
She broke up with me and blocked me on everything stating that she would never give me another chance.
Suffice it to say we have not had contact for two weeks. I sent her an apology email two days ago, didn’t expect a response nor have I received one.
I also wrote a second email that states simply that I want to fight for her and standby her. I genuinely care about her wellbeing and I’m willing to be patient and do whatever it takes for our relationship to work.
She takes her meds regularly but she drinks 2-3 times a week because of her friends who are simply a bad influence. She moved up to live with me to get away from those habits.
The majority of people including her brother have told me she’s not worth it. But the more they tell me how bad she was the more I’m convinced I don’t want to give up on her.
My question is should I send her the second email? Or is it too soon or simply too late?
Nah man you already sent her one. Let her get back to you. I’ve known women who take back guys that say “I’ll fight for you” and all that lame shit, but she only keeps these guys around because they’re her little lap dog and do everything for her. Women really aren’t attracted to these types of men. Eventually they leave these men even if she takes him back for a little bit. So, you could send that second email and maybe she’ll let you back into her life for a bit, but I 100% guarantee you that she will never respect you, nor be attracted to you the same way ever again. She will eventually leave you for a better, non-beta man.
This is the first website I’ve come across which actually talks some truth and sense about BPD! I’ve never felt happy to comment or write anything about my wife before…
I met her 15 years ago, a stunning woman of 24 years old (i also was 24) almost identical to kate Beckinsale, brunette and sharp looking, me being the arrogant, didn’t give fuck, works in oil and gas all over the world, nothing can touch me, type of guy that I was (was…). She came up to me and insisted I buy her a drink, to which i thought, ‘yeah, why not’. Turns out she already had a boyfriend and as I now know, one she had earlier beaten down into a worthless, pathetic and now very desperate ‘white Knight’. Just like what you described… And what I later also became. He was of course tossed to the side for me, which rang alarm bells and initially put me off her, but i was bought into the, ‘you’re my soul mate’ crap, and so we started going out.
As you can imagine, the story is fairly standard, starts off awesome, she was a typical BPD nymphomaniac and i thought all my Christmas’s had come at once! But quickly came the pint glass being thrown at my head, several black eyes, finger nail gouges out of my face and generally being made to feel like the worlds worst boyfriend. My confidence drained, i started to believe it was all my fault, that i deserved it, and very quickly became the sucky white knight doing everything i could to fix her life and keep her in the happy zone. I could type for hours, but one night in particular took a different path after she had berated and emotionally tortured me for several hours over something i had done long before we even met, so really had no grounds, but so much so that i lost it and punched a solid brick wall so hard that i smashed my knuckles and hand bones so bad my hand looked like a melon, but at this point something changed in her. She quickly snapped out of the evil torturer mode and turned into super super caring, concerned and would do anything to calm me down mode… She had me, even more than before, so not only could she push my buttons and control my temper, but also she could then play the nurturing mother figure. It became her way of testing me. The problem was, i also learnt something that night, why let it go on for hours when you can just go crazy early on and it’ll all be over very soon, so that’s what i did from that point on, every time she would start being a bitch, i pick a wall, maybe a not so solid door, or often my own face and knock the shit out of it, she would turn into the carer and before you knew it we were in each others arms. Pretty fucked up right?
Many years of this later, a wedding, being alienated from my friends and family and me being convinced that i was the unstable one with a problem, which by this point was actually true (although before meeting her i had actually never lost my temper, truthfully) i decided to join a boxing club. The boxing club gave me a venting point for my anger and frustration and i highly recommend it to any partner of a BPD. It gave my brain the time to rest and think straight, but it also gave me some confidence back and the calmness to be able to stand my ground without losing my shit.
Several years later, she has been diagnosed, still refuses to go to a therapist, which i’m currently working on, but we have managed to remain together and do live a relatively ok life. Even after boxing most days for 3 years, I’ve still had more black eyes from her than any man ever gave me, but it all stopped the day i stopped covering up and trying to defend myself. One day i put my hands behind my back, looked at her, closed my eyes and calmly said, ‘fuck you, hit me then’. She did it once or twice, but after that, i had the power, it drove her crazy that i didn’t defend myself, she didn’t scare me anymore and couldn’t do anything to me.
She takes quetiapine every day now and this wonder drug keeps her out of the mania zone. Sertraline lifts her mood. I know if she hasn’t taken it…
We now have two beautiful young children and only once did she return to her old ways in front of my son when he was just 2, punching me in the face because i saved her from falling in a river, long story… I have many stories :-) I firmly told her that if she ever did that again, i would take my son and leave. She hasn’t done it since, first two years with no physical abuse. Still plenty of emotional abuse though, although my armour is pretty thick these days, so fuck her ;-)
I love my wife, but it is sometimes very hard to continue living with her. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s not her fault, her grand father was sexually abusive to her, her father was physically and emotionally abusive, she was bullied through school and in work, has severe dyslexia, the list goes on and I know why she is the way she is. The real her comes to the surface every now and then, one time i remember and hold on to is when she was pregnant with our son, and would sit knitting clothing for him, she was so peaceful and calm then, beautiful and just lovely… I love my children more and wouldn’t hesitate for a minute to remove them from the situation if i ever thought they were under threat. I don’t believe they ever will be, it seems that she only ever takes all her shit out on me, something which I’ve grown to accept. Her older daughter (now 22) and my mother-in-law are the only other people who understand what she is like, because BPD’s are masters of disguise and can flick an emotional switch when they need to, so that everyone else thinks they’re just, ‘lovely’. This has meant me feeling totally isolated for years, but after my wife tried to take her own life, she finally agreed to see her doctor, who was great, quickly spotted what he thought was bipolar and organised an immediate session with a psychiatrist for diagnosis. It turned out to be emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder, 6-7. Only after this day did others start to believe that she’s not always nice…
There’s no doubt, my life is never boring, it can be very fun, has had some amazing sex, well, not anymore since kids, but that’s fine :-) lol, has been quite violent, i once had to wrestle a carving knife out of her hands, another long story, but would i swap it for someone else’s normal life…
Fucking right i would! BPD’s should live alone in the woods and never come out…
Lol well played. At least you got kids out of it. Most relationships are crap. It just is what it is.
This site is good. Full of great advice to any young women starting out in life. Basically, you can treat guys like absolute dirt. Just make sure you are attractive. If you’re ugly, you can expect to spend your entire life alone watching other women punch their husbands in the face and acting as a free therapist to the men when they complain about it.
That’s the common thread here. All these women are pretty, so you let them get away with horrific abuse. It’s very interesting for women like me to watch. I’ve lost several partners to women like this, simply because they were pretty and I wasn’t (and couldn’t afford surgery). It doesn’t matter how kind or intelligent or hard working I am or anything else. The abusive attractive women always win.
I just wish they told you that in school so you didn’t spend your life expecting any different.
It’s the same way for men. The taller, muscular, better looking men always get the better women. It’s just how it is. There’s no point in getting mad about it. Blaming women or god or whatever won’t do you any good. Do the best you can to be as attractive as possible. If you’re a woman, this means being thin and feminine. If you’re a man, it means hitting the gym and building some muscle and being athletic. Both men and women can get fit and healthy so there’s no excuse to never do this. However, it will only get you so far
Kenneth Akers III says
I am 33 year old male. I’m currently in a relationship with a incredible woman who has my daughter. I have to leave her even though I love her with all I am. I’ve had substance abuse issues all my life, she helped me want to stay clean. I have episodes where I feel like she is going to leave, I know she wouldnt, but it throws my episode crazy. I yell, say mean tjings, I basically am another person until it’s over. She has autoimmune issues so her health can’t deal with alot of stress or pressure because it makes her physically sick. With no known 100% sure cure anywhere, I have to leave her. I will not be the reason she get sick or even worse. Since I’ve came to this conclusion, the thought process I have now probably isn’t the best. I have abandonment issues with my BPD, major depressive disorder, ptsd, anxiety, adhd. I can’t hurt her anymore. I’m finally doing the right thing and I’ve never wanted to do the wrong thing so badly. I truly love her and she truly loves me. I fear this will be the beginning of the end for me. Hell I’m half way there already. I’m honestly scared. I don’t know what to do but I know what I have to do. So if people out there think having or being in a relationship with BPD is easy please know it’s the hardest fight you will ever have in your life. My other disorders don’t help anything, but I didn’t have a choice to be broken or not. I just have to do what’s right. To end a outbreak you have to find and end the source. Then the restoration of life can begin. I’m just tired of hurting people and hurting inside all the time. Please read this and be 100% sure being in someone’s life like me,BPD, is worth it to you or them. I hope everyone can learn or understand a little better from this. Thank you for your time.
Hey man tough to hear. I highly suggest that you just do what you can to get your emotional state under control. Healing from substance abuse will solve 90% of your problems, I promise. So just take things one step at a time. Your brain can only handle what’s in front of it, so just focus on the one thing at a time. I suggest starting with the substance abuse. Then you can move on to the next issue. One at at time. Keep it as simple as possible. This is how you heal!
You talk a lot about woman with BPD but there’s no information about men with it. I don’t have a formal diagnosis, I am almost 100% certain that my fiance (who is a 25 y/o man) has BPD.
I am wondering if the advice you give to men dating woman with BPD is also applicable in the reversed situation?
I have a couple articles about men with BPD. I also have coached many women who have BPD male partners. The problem with the male BPD is that it’s harder to diagnose and gets mis-diagnosed all the time. It’s usually sociopath/narcissism that women are dealing with which is far worse than BPD.
Tell me one thing:
I have been living with a quite difficult girl for 2 years. I don’t know whether she had borderline or not – at least she had some strong signs (fear of abandonment, mood swings, sometimes mild depressions, controlling behavior. I always played cool and in the end I saw all her drama more like shit tests. She was incredible hot & funny.
But now I ask my self: Why in heaven should any guy stay in such relationships ? I mean, you are telling about alpha males, betas but I suppose: A true alpha male would stick 6 months around and leave. No one on earth could bear all those kind of drama, hold & cold stuff without getting brain washed after a time. In the end, you are possible going for marriage & kids. Why would anybody want to live a life full of drama ? An alpha male at least would not want to.
You shouldn’t stick around if you’re not happy. That’s why I always say it’s best to focus on yourself, get happy with your life whether you’re in a relationship or not. That way, you won’t be affected by all the drama. This actually makes the relationship 100 times better and ends most of the drama and chaos. But, most people never realize this until they actually do it. Then they’re shocked at how quickly the relationship gets better and I’m just like “I told you so”