So you’ve recently met a woman who you have a strong connection with. She’s hot for you and you have great dates, conversations and sex. But suddenly, she’s cold as ice leaving you confused. This begs the question: why are women so hot and cold?
If this is a common occurrence for you when it comes to dating women, you’re not alone. In fact, if you’re a man who dates attractive women, you will constantly experience the hot/cold treatment from women. It’s going to be normal and you should expect it.
This is the state of women in our current society thanks to social media and dating apps giving them attention from men 24/7. You shouldn’t expect anything less these days.
So let’s dive into some of the main reasons why women go hot and cold on the men they’re dating.
1. Hot and Cold Behavior Explained
Hot and cold behavior is the norm these days. It’s most prevalent in attractive women, and is most definitely a form of mental illness. Whether it’s Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or something else, most women (and men to be fair) are mentally ill. They like you one day and then lose interest the next. This isn’t normal, healthy behavior.
It’s very important to assume that if you’re going to be dating attractive women, expect her to give you the hot and cold treatment. The more attractive she is, the more pronounced it will be. She’ll want you more than anything today, but tomorrow she’ll lose interest. This is just the reality of dating attractive women in our social media-driven world unless you are an extremely good looking, wealthy man. Only then may she keep her interest.
However, my buddy who makes $15 mil a year got divorced within 3 months by his girl. So no, money isn’t everything. You still need to understand women and their crazy ways to keep them interested in you instead of taking half your stuff.
This is only a phenomenon that has occurred in recent years. Women weren’t like this until social media exploded and gave rise to the hypergamous world that we now live in. Attractive women are approached on the internet by hundreds of men daily. As a result of constant bombardment, it’s simply impossible for most attractive women to keep their interest in one man at a time.
She might be really into you today, but tomorrow she may get messaged by a man who’s just better than you in every way. Her interest will turn to him for a bit until the next better man grabs her eye.
This is the world of attractive women. Like I said, it wasn’t like this before social media and dating apps. But things have changed and women are constantly looking for the next best thing. They don’t even realize how disastrous this is until they hit their 30’s and find themselves no longer being sought after. It is a serious mental illness.
2. Common Dating Advice Is Now Outdated
Understand that because of this hot and cold behavior that most women have, you’re going to have to play by her rules. This isn’t the 2010’s anymore, the seduction and pick up communities are dead, their “tactics” don’t work anymore. Things have changed massively in the past 10 years (which I’ve been warning you guys for years).
The best way to KEEP beautiful women in your life is by going with the flow. Stop trying to lock her down, don’t tell her how much you like her, stop trying to get her to meet up with you every time you talk.
With the combination of social media + dating apps + real life, she is being bombarded by men on a daily basis trying to get a date with her. Once she categorizes you as just another man on her list, your chances of getting with her drop drastically.
The game has changed completely these past couple of years. You can still do traditional dating and such, but it’s going to be much more inconsistent and frustrating than the new style of “dating” that I’m talking about here.
The outdated dating advice about how you should barely text her and set up a date as soon as possible will get you nothing but mixed results. If she doesn’t flake on the date, she’ll show up not all that excited anymore.
Let’s look at a real life example that happens all the time these days: you match with a girl on Tinder. You have a great conversation and you can’t wait to see her in person. So, you get her to agree to go on a date with you a few days from now.
You then listen to some old dating guru who advises you to text as little as possible and just show up for the date. The day arrives and she says that she can’t make it. Or, you get to the date but she just doesn’t seem that excited by you, and you never hear from her again. You definitely don’t hook up.
Maybe she just realized thru the date that she just isn’t attracted to you, and that’s okay. That’s really the point of meeting in person, right? You want to see if you click with this person and want to take it to the next level.
However, this is such an old school approach that will waste you time and money. There’s no need for dating like this in the 2020’s. You’ll get mixed results and be in a constant state of frustration at how hot and cold women are.
3. Dating in the 2020’s: Let The Women Do The Work
Welcome to the 2020’s! The world has changed in a major way due to covid, and this is the same for the internet and dating.
The best way to have success with women is to let the woman do the work.
Your goal as the man is to STOP trying to be the “alpha” by getting her to agree on a date with you. Instead, you must let go of that power and go with the flow. Your time to be “alpha” will come in the form of striking when the iron’s hot.
What exactly does this mean?
Well, I recommend that you no longer plan these advanced dinner dates 3 or more days from now. You quit trying to get her to meet up with you. You quit playing these “mysterious” games where you rarely talk to her, saving all communication in person. That’s old and outdated advice.
Instead, you need to be spontaneous. Convince her to come over when she’s hot for you. Pay for her Uber, do whatever you can to make it easy for her to come over. Or, you go over to her place. A good example of this is when I’m actually not in town. I’ll talk to her over the span of a few weeks, and then once I’m home she’s dying to meet me.
I’ve had women pick me up at the airport and rush back to my place for some awesome sex. I’ve had women drive over an hour just to come stay with me. This is obviously much better than your typical dinner dates (which I NEVER do anymore. Such a waste of time and money. Only reward women with “traditional” dates when they’ve been seeing you for a bit).
When you first start talking to a woman, try to get her on a Facetime call once the conversation starts heating up. However, if it’s late at night I don’t recommend doing video calls. It’s best to do them when there’s still time in the evening to meet up that same night.
I’ve met a lot of women right after Facetiming with them. We have a good chat over the phone, and she’s interested in meeting. This is key: when a woman’s interest is high for you, take advantage of that moment. Meet up with her ASAP. Her interest in you will be gone by tomorrow. This is just how women are these days because they suffer from the hot and cold mental illness.
Yes, she will lose interest within a day or two. Trust me!
It’s an ebb and flow. She’ll be super hot for you one night, sending you naked videos and other naughty stuff, only to lose interest in you a day or two later. You must learn to back off when this happens and let her warm up to you again. Feel free to reach out to her if she hasn’t texted you in a few days. It’s okay to do this. See how she responds.
And again, you need to go with the flow. If her texts are short and not like they were before, then back off. Rinse and repeat every 4 days or so until she’s hot for you again. And do NOT give her any ultimatums. Don’t let your insecurity and neediness for her cause you to send a shitty text. You WILL lose her for good because she has 500 other men trying to get in her pants.
I’ve had women get naked and stick dildos in their asses all on a Facetime call with me, only to not want to meet me the next day. Women are so hot and cold these days that you must take advantage of those moments when she is hot and heavy for you, and then back off when she no longer has that same level of interest.
I advise that you do NOT have phone sex with women that you’re not dating. If you’ve never met yet, don’t do the phone sex. She will most likely lose interest in you once she has satisfied herself. Trust me on this, guys. Focus on meeting up with her, not on phone sex. Only have phone sex with girls you’ve been dating for awhile (it’s fun!).
You also need to learn to read the signs and give her some space. I don’t care if she was squirting all over you the previous night having 50 orgasms. She WILL eventually lose interest and you need to back off when she does no matter how much it pains you to do so.
Her interest in you will peak at various times. It will seem random to you, but what’s really going on is that her interest is simply in other things (ex boyfriends, new men, work, family, vacation, who the fuck knows). Once her interest in those things dies down, she’ll reach out to you.
You can’t control her interest. All you can do is not mess things up for yourself. That’s why you back off when she’s not interested. This is why you need to study BPD relationships because this behavior is now the norm.
4. Sex Doesn’t Mean Anything Anymore
You would think that hooking up with a woman and giving her some amazing sex would make her want you even more, right?
At least not anymore. Not in our current social media-crazed world we live in.
You can give a woman the best orgasms of her life, and she’ll probably love you for it — until the next day when she returns to her normal life. For reasons that she can’t even explain, her interest in you just isn’t where it was the night before when she was dripping wet and swallowing every drop of you.
It doesn’t make much sense, but it is what it is. Women will be incredibly naughty with you, only to want nothing to do with you the next day.
To keep these women coming back for more, you just need to go with the flow like I’ve been saying. If you push for a relationship or try to do some traditional dating, you could blow it all to hell. Chances are, she’s really happy with the hook up lifestyle she’s getting with you.
So you need to continue being a casual lover until she says otherwise.
And what I mean by that is the WOMAN takes the relationship to the next level – not you. Never you. Not in this society we live in.
Because attractive women are getting messages constantly, you must let HER decide the fate of the relationship. If she wants to keep things casual, let her. If she wants to make you her boyfriend, that’s her call. Never yours.
I’ve had amazing sexual experiences with women only for them to go cold on me the very next day. I’ve had women strip down naked and masturbate via facetime with me, only to block my number the next day.
I’ve had women tell me that they love me, want a serious relationship with me, only to have a new boyfriend the very next week with no interest in hanging out with me anymore.
This is now just the norm. Even if she does say that she wants you to be her boyfriend, you really can’t take her seriously. So just go along with it. Be her “boyfriend” and enjoy the moments you have with her.
She will go cold on you eventually. And when she does, you do what I told you above: you back off and give her the space to do her own thing. Hit her up in 3 or 4 days if she doesn’t reach out. If it bothers you that she might be banging some other dude, then just don’t see her anymore. It’s okay to leave her and find someone else.
But, this is the world of attractive women in the 2020’s. Traditional dating is dead. Monogamy is mostly dead. It won’t get any better going forward, so you as the man must learn how to deal with it.
I’ve talked to thousands of men, women, and couples in my 10 years of teaching this stuff. Women will go hot/cold in long-term relationships and marriages, leaving the man incredibly confused, frustrated, and hurt.
It’s just how women are, and it’s only going to get worse in this decade. I encourage you to check out my Better BPD Relationships course to get a better understanding of why women behave this way, and what you can do to make the best of it.
Thanks for reading and I hope this stuff helps you out!
Mr A, esq says
Great article Rick. I have experienced the hot/cold treatment recently and I just backed off. The young lady checked on me weeks later but I didn’t take advantage of that “hot for you” moment (i didnt really care anymore). Anyhoo this is our reality for single men. Godspeed
Dash Riprock says
I’ve been reading your blog articles now for a couple years. Good stuff. Given the saturation of the current dating-advice market with new “gurus” every day (99% who don’t know their head from their ass), your advice always seems to make the most sense. And this is coming from a guy whose been in the dating world for 30 (yes, 30!) years. I’ve dated pre-internet/apps and current-internet/apps and have a huge sample size of each.
I think what you wrote in this article is largely accurate if we’re generalizing about *hot* women, writing from the perspective of dating an 8+. Maybe you said that in the article. And it’s true, hot women *are* bombarded with messages and requests from guys (97% of whom are 100% clueless) all the time. I think for these types, striking FAST is key. But, expect bad behavior, flaking; basically every form of dating BS you can imagine–and then some. And I agree, they *are* getting worse because of all the gushing, slobbering, beta males that fill up her Instagram.
My advice for the average guy:
For the guy who’s looking for a LTR, decent plate, steady girlfriend, or even a candidate for marriage, I would STRONGLY recommend they focus on the 6.5-7.5 market. I think the flaky, hot-cold, quasi-BPD behavior increases in correlation to how hot the woman is. Kind of like stock price correlating to how successful the company is. Hence, the 8+’s, though REALLY fun to f*ck, make the WORST long-term partners, pretty much for every reason you wrote. They should all come with a flashing warning label.
So to “bust the curve,” so to speak, I recommend to ditch the 8+’s and focus on the 6.5+’s, as your ROI (I = time invested in the woman) will be MUCH higher. You can go a little slower, pump the brakes a bit, and actually dare I say (gulp) employ some tactics from 10+ years ago when men were taught to be MEN and not starving dogs who haven’t eaten red meat in 3 weeks. The mid-market women are also much more appreciative of man’s time and affection, aren’t nearly as f*cked up mentally, don’t cheat as much, have careers, and generally return 2-3x of your effort in kind.
Keep fighting the good fight, Rick. Good stuff all-around.
Yes, I would say my writings are focused on dating the 8+ women. That’s just because my experience is always going for the 8+ woman. I’ve always wanted the best of the best even though I’m probably a 6-7 on the looks scale. I don’t think you’re wrong at all when it comes to dating 6-7s. That’s totally fine if you want to do that. However, going for the 8+ women forces you to develop great social skills, to work on your own self and well-being, to be successful, and to develop rock-solid confidence. These types of women will drop you in an instant when they start to notice flaws in your character. So getting experience with the 8+ women will force you to be better. You’ll fail a bunch, but eventually you’ll start hooking up with them for consistently and you’ll finally land yourself a solid 9 or even a 10 in my case who makes it effortless. But yes it’s A LOT of work lmao
Good piece altho slightly sad . Social media seems to have accelerated insecurities. Aren’t these relationships always doomed to fail due to the inconsistency of the woman (and the men trying to get in her pants)? That they are unable to trust at all, due to the mostly fake, feminine or sociopathic men around. It’s biological (and meant to be normal), that women are meant to be the ones to ask for a relationship – it’s just modern men have flipped it due to their emotional neediness.
Perhaps, as you’ve said in an earlier piece/ podcast, friendzone yourself first, respect yourself and she’ll develop that trust over time if she sees you respect yourself. That’s standing out and making her think of you all the time.
A long time ago, I knew a woman for 2 yrs at work – nice shy girl but super fearful. We were friendly and every time I pulled away/ focused on myself she would be highly attracted. Though she never reached out or would reply to an invite to meet up and so I left it. She left work but meeting an emotionally strong dude for her is so rare nowadays. Everyone wants something (takers) and get butt hurt if they don’t get it. Trouble is even reaching out first, is seen as chasing and being needy now.
As you say, recognise your value first and the right girl will come. They are still looking for the winner.
Things change drastically in our society. What was once the truth in 2015 no longer applies today. I now recommend that you do not approach from a “friends first” perspective. While that was good in the past, and could still work today, I think it’s much better to use your time to improve your own success and purpose than to spend time just hanging out with women on a friendly basis. If she isn’t hooking up with you, then drastically cut back the amount of time you see her. Perhaps once per week at most.
You probably won’t remember me and that’s fine. In a way, I’ve grown up with you, you know. A few years back, your material tremendously helped me to get back on my feet after a disastrous BDP relationship. I even purchased your manual at the time (before you funded the academy). For that, I am eternally grateful to you. Know that what I am about to say is in no manner a critic of what you are and · or what you think, but a simple observation and my own feelings regarding this period we’re crossing. For me, even though you have no idea who I am, you’ll always be that “faceless old friend”.
As years have passed, I have also witnessed your own change. You are not the man I’ve once me. This is the second time I am readying your article and I have to admit that I am feeling perplexed. I still remember how, once upon a time, you stressed how important it was to “not go with the flow”, to take charge of our own destiny, regardless of others. This seems to have changed. You also said to “put ourselves first”, because this very act was the source of our charisma and uniqueness. By focusing on our own life mission, we would become these shinning individuals worthy of attraction. I can still feel the overwhelming joy and self-validation I felt at the time. However, as you seem to imply it, even that has been affected. Now, I am talking specifically about the “values” inside a relationship. But enough tail-chasing, let me get to the point; when I am reading you now, I can’t help but feel like the man spilling the ink in your article has taken the passenger seat. As if the man from before, gave up control and is letting himself being carried by the flow of “romantic” life wherever it wants. I can’t help but feeling that, against the words of your younger self, you are putting women on a pedestal. Letting her make the decisions, chasing her by regularly taking up the temperature, letting her selfish moods dictate the pace of the game, etc. All that for some ephemerous physical and · or emotional cul-de-sac? What happened to the other part of the binome? Your writing gives me the impression that others (especially women) have taken precedence over ourselves (men in general) and that, as men, we are doomed to docilly expect scraps of attention. I feel like the genuine human link has been replaced by simple and unauthentic emotional and physical “transactions”. We can agree that transactions have always defined humans. Nonetheless, the romantic exchanges nowadays seem unreasonably disrespectful for both sexes, but especially for the masculine one.
Finally, I am wondering that, as the other half of the species, is it not a crime for us to give into these games? Are we, men, not responsible as well for this dehumanizing game? You might be wondering: “why the hell does this guy tell me all this?”. Because you’re holding a leading black feather above your paper. You are in a position of influence and your words resonate across the world. As you have changed me and your writings molded me into a responsible and wise individual (thanks papa Rick), I believe you can also help spearheading positive change in a time of clinical, yet socially accepted insanity. I don’t know how your life goes and why you decided to write this piece. But its message, contrarily to what I remember, wasn’t a call to greatness, but a song for the thirsty ones. I think times have never been more inclined to be inscribed by the echo of equality. I think it’s hard but not impossible to dispense with this symbolic and practical feminine domination. I think both sexes (or more if you’re into that kind of philosophy) can only thrive on same level pedestals. I also think that you have what it takes to steer this drowning boat in the right direction. I wish I could tell you that maybe I’m delusional and perhaps I am. But as you put it yourself, it will only get worse. Are we, each one of us, going to let it passively happen?
Another stranger from across the seas
It’s because society changes rapidly. What was once the truth 5 years ago is now much different in today’s society (at least in the west). Another factor to keep in mind is that a lot of my present writing applies to the younger men who are dating the younger women in our society. The upcoming generation. The “Zoomers” as they call them. But, my material is good for any man who is trying to date and get into relationships with women in their 20’s. And dating a young woman today is vastly different than in 2015 for example. Women now run the show, but you as a man still have the power to stand above the competition and get the best women. You’re just going to have to get through the one’s with mental problems until you finally find the right one that is actually healthy. 99% of women have some sort of mental problem these days, anxiety and depression being the most common.
Awesome bro, thanks for spreading your wisdom. Can’t disagree with a word you’ve said. This is the reality and we need to know.
Hi Rick? Ive only read 3 articles so far but can’t wait to read more. I busted out laughing several times, not necessarily in a ha-ha funny kind of way (well maybe a little), but more in a that’s the truth and no one has the b**** to come out and say it, in your face kind of way. I do believe there’s an occasional exception but not many.