In comes a story from a guy who is finding it very hard to move on after his BPD relationship ended.
This is actually a pretty common story I get from people who stumble onto my blog. There’s something about the way I write and what I believe that causes them to send me 2,000+ word stories.
I don’t mind it. They make for good lessons because you can read my comments about the BPD relationship and my advice for the guy or girl writing in.
It’s a great way to learn my philosophy and mentality when it comes to making BPD relationships less toxic and healthy in some cases.
Anyway, you’ll notice a common theme in this story: the guy believes he is at zero fault here and that his ex is 100% responsible for the failure of the relationship.
It’s complete horeshit of course, but you’ll have to read my comments in bold to learn why. Enjoy!
Mate, it’s not as cut and dry as that. WE were good people to them. We don’t know about this BPD until it’s too late (I 100% agree as I have been there. You learn when it’s too late, which is why I teach you how to be prepared for the next storm that approaches).
Yes, we hear them and no matter how much we try and accommodate, they form the image in their heads that we are bad and unsafe, no matter WHAT we do (what stands out to me here in this statement is how this guy has the mentality that he needs to try and accommodate the Borderline. This is not the mindset that I teach).
Yes, they control, manipulate, and it’s projected onto us that we’re the bad ones. The frustration and heartache is not that we’ve been unloving to them, we just simply did not get it… the BPD… we didn’t know (your point? You’re really trying to sound like the victim here and the Victim Mentality never helps anyone).
And then to have our hearts scooped out and discarded with no contact, 16 times over five years, moving in together, making life decisions, being left in the lurch. It’s abusive and although they feel pain and sense abandonment, it is us that are left to pick up the pieces (so you get discarded 16 times and yet you want me to feel sorry for you? It takes two to tango. You made the decision to keep getting back together).
For them it’s out of sight out of mind, smear campaign, loss of a love we invested so much into, guilt of not having validated to the level they needed, the crazy making, none of it makes sense to us who do not know about BPD til it’s too late (more victim mentality and blaming the borderline. Who’s fault is it that you kept investing in this person who broke your heart 16 times?)
We can be more accommodating to them when we KNOW, but it becomes a carertaker’s role in a sense, and never knowing when they’re gonna leave again (which is why I have always taught that your job is NOT to be a caretaker. In the previous article I posted, the woman became the caretaker of her BPD ex and he left her for it).
They tell us they feel unsafe, we try to find out why, they can’t talk about it rationally. At times it goes up, we never know why, it’s because we’ve been driven to emotional dysregulation through abuse, held accountable for nothing we’ve done, trauma bonded, cognitive dissonance, etc. (again, boo fucking hoo. Everyone who fails in BPD relationships makes the same common mistakes you’re writing about here. You need to continue to study my work and not play the victim).
They turn round and say “I don’t see a future with you anymore.” We get upset at that and can’t figure out why (just more proof that you haven’t studied my courses and taken my training seriously).
We can’t get to talking with them through the name-calling. We’re not assholes, we’re good loving people who just can’t navigate through it cause the goal posts and obstacles are constantly moving (because you’re weak and they walk all over you. If you studied just the fundamentals of what I teach, you would know the importance of setting boundaries early. But instead, you do nothing of the sorts and you let her crush your heart 16 times).
The most amazing people completely took my heart. They devalue everything you do because that’s what they do (if you let them which you clearly do).
All your friends and family and career and values all turned around as bad, and they threaten to leave when you don’t do what they want (and let me guess: you pleaded and begged on your knees that she would stick around a little longer?)
Then they start saying they’re walking on eggshells and don’t want to spend a future with someone who they’re afraid to say something in case it goes up in flames. It’s completely illogical and we can’t get our heads around it until it’s too late (finally you said something that makes sense: of course it’s illogical! That’s what emotions are. You’re trying to find logic in an illogical situation. Whenever emotions are involved, which is every relationship, logic goes out the window. Now we’re starting to get somewhere).
We tried counselling on several occasions. Nothing ever established any firm foundation. Sure, they find this difficult and unsettling and start seeing that it’s your fault and try to change you through therapy. But they’re not open in their intentions (because marriage counseling is a joke and 90% of therapists have no idea how people with BPD think. Understand that when you agree to this kind of counseling, you are admitting defeat. If that’s not an attractive killer, I don’t know what is. The Borderline will never see you as a masculine force from here on out. You are done).
They tell you things, hints, and you try to accommodate (mistake).
They say they’re breakable, “tell me if there’s a train coming,” yet the trust issues and their thinking you’ve lied to them or manipulated them or trying to mess with their heads, you can’t do ANYTHING to change their perceptions. It’s all in their head (then why are you trying to change that if it’s in their heads? Ponder this).
We are just trying to hold on to our partner we love so much while they’re going into a tailspin (spoken like a true needy beta male).
And one final argument: that’s it, it’s over, you’re discarded in the most horrific way (because you let it get to that point).
Yes, I do have compassion for them and no, we are NOT to blame for the relationship going south or ending (everything you’ve written so far is 100% your fault. No one forced you to take your partner back 16 times. Victim?).
We are torn to bits while they go straight out looking for someone else (it’s almost like online dating is a joke because any woman can install an app instantly and have a date an hour later… this isn’t a BPD thing at all).
We are not able to provide the safety and security they need (just another failed mindset).
We become ill, we are fighting to survive, we look for answers, and when we find it they think it’s a conspiracy and their flying monkeys support them. I am NOT crazy for needing to water my vegetables the morning when we were going on holiday, yet they turn their family against you cause they say that WAS crazy (boohoo. Learn to have some thick skin. I grew up around people who troll constantly. You got to learn to not let the words of others bring you down mr. victim).
I did NOT take the money from the business when I was using the money for petrol to do jobs for the business. My son who came to my rescue when I was having a heart attack dealt with it alone while she stayed in the car texting cause in her view my son was taking care of it (you mean the woman who broke your heart 16 times? Why are you surprised about this again?).
You CANNOT do anything about ANY of this. As long as we don’t grumble or complain about something we’re unhappy about, as long as we answer their texts when it’s not possible to do so, as long as we don’t go and look after our parents who have dementia or suffer a stroke, as long as we conform to the image they have in their head of a partnership, as long as we give sex when they need it, as long as we hug them and show affection each day we’re with them, as long as we answer their questions in the way they expect them to be answered, as long as we don’t give our time to anyone but them, as long as we do EVERYTHING right, as long as we submit to their controlling and abusive behaviour, and as long as we don’t lose our cool throughout all of this, then they will stay. But, this is not possible (you’re right it’s not possible when you do things your way. So what you do is you establish boundaries and be firm with them. This is a core principle of what I teach).
I broke my knee and 45 minutes later I said I’d try to be there on her birthday. So she said no, it’s all ok, went out with her family instead, yet seething inside, I’m left to care for my knee on my own, not validating her sufficiently when she showed a deep hurt, her running upstairs to get her stuff and calling me all the names under the sun, leaving, telling her friends that I left her, and it blows my mind (you offered to come see her right after breaking her knee, but then you’re mad that she won’t come care for you? This actually makes no sense. What you wrote here is completely illogical).
I understand the BPD world very much now, but it’s too late and impossible when they can’t see the damage they’re doing. I was told “It’s all about Carol” and “you only have control in this relationship cause I let you.” There’s nothing you can do about it (I’ve pointed out everything you’ve been doing wrong so far so hopefully you’ll see how to do things next time).
Yet you see how fragile they are and how they are sabotaging the relationship when there’s nothing wrong. It NEVER sustains itself. She was in a 24 year marriage and thought there were no problems (I mean 24 years is pretty damn long for a marriage. Her ex husband obviously knew more about women and how to communicate with them than you do).
She needed me to just say nothing when she was in meltdown mode. But it’s not possible, they’ll form their thoughts anyway (so you just felt that you had to defend yourself? That’s a fragile ego you have).
Her ex was an alcoholic by the end of it, went into himself. She had another child late in life to see if that would save the relationship. No, she never wanted to be on her own, and never was. She left HIM. She gave up her family for me, until she saw that I was unsafe or was getting moody (okay so you’re upset that she left her family for you, lol. What is wrong with you man? You broke her family up and now you’re mad that she wants to leave you. This is really getting ridiculous).
I had ALL my stuff together. That’s what attracted her to me. But, it gets eroded over time cause we just don’t know what’s going on and they try to take the control and we’re left struggling. It is NOT OUR FAULT. And it’s terribly wrong of you to say it is (it IS all your fault. You’re just a pathetic human who can’t seem to see that. I have no sympathy for you because you walked into this yourself and broke up her family in the process).
NO, we’re left with the fallout from a person with a disorder that, when not treated, self-destructs a relationship that, with ‘normal’ people, lasts the test of time lovingly (well you are far from normal. We’ve established that here. I’m starting to think she’s the normal one in this relationship and you’re the insecure narcissist).
When they assume we’re lying when we aren’t, and we’ve given no real reason to make them think we have, there is NOTHING we can do about it except keep trying over a long period of time to be like glass for them. That’s abuse and is terribly wrong (there’s that ‘trying’ word again. You’re trying to be like glass? This makes absolutely zero sense. You really need to go through my courses).
We don’t get our basic needs met, and we are devalued and discarded in the most horrific ways. Your website is dangerous. We’re the ones who have suffered (your basic needs should be handled on your own. Do you get it yet numbnuts?).
Yes, they live with it daily, and we try our best to understand it and be there for them, in the knowledge that we have (no you don’t because you don’t know anything about women in general).
But they move on and we are left picking up the pieces of a devastating fallout, and then having to try and rebuild our self esteem, our lives, recover from the trauma and psychological abuse (but this is all because YOU allowed it. Do you not see that yet? One of the first things you told me is that you took her back 16 times. 16! You have no one to blame but yourself. Stop taking your anger out on anyone else).
Let every victim / survivor read this cause this is the TRUTH of how it is. All the amazing times, dreams, things left behind, our growth being within their lives, the guilt, the memories, the ways of doing things together, the loneliness afterwards, the confusion, the anger and hurt, all of it. That’s what we are left with (your little victim card isn’t working. Anyone with a brain can see how this is all self-inflicted. You allowed this abuse to continue over and over again. Are you going to try to tell me that you didn’t have a choice?).
NO people, IT IS NOT OUR FAULT! (Yes people, it is!).
And they move on, with us knowing we failed them, despising us, having no contact with us, blocking us, owning no part of it, lying to our shared friends about it, and they’re going to give their love and body and all those dreams to someone else (welcome to the real world. When a woman is no longer attracted to, she MOVES ON to a new man. This is not a BPD thing because every woman will do this when her needs aren’t met).
We did not and do not deserve this and she is moving on like I meant nothing to her (you 100% deserve this because you allowed it).
The whole 5 years of building a life together, valued time together, and all she can see is that I’m an aggressive man, can’t love, not strong enough for her, and can’t keep my cool (alright so you have a temper problem and probably become abusive when your needs aren’t being met. But it’s her fault, right big boy?)
No, I’m not an aggressive man, I love deeply, I am strong enough to have withstood this and more, and a normal person with normal emotions, not a saint, and tried so hard to navigate through this (your mindset is so backwards because you think strength means sticking around through abuse. That’s actually what Codependents do. It’s the opposite of strength. Real strength is setting boundaries and walking away).
My Closing Remarks
As you can see, stories like this are full of common mistakes and mindsets that are completely wrong when you’re dating someone with BPD (or anyone for that matter).
This is classic victim mentality and a complete lack of responsibility. At the end of the day, a relationship takes two to tango. You cannot have any sort of success when your relationship mindsets are completely flawed.
This guy suffers from a severe case of codependency. First he breaks up a family and then allows this woman to break his heart 16 times. It’s crazy!
There really is no explanation for his belief system other than the fact that he is NOT a victim and must like punishment. This is what happens when you allow codependency to run deep in your psych.
This is why I created my Overcoming Codependency course so you can break free from this terrible mentality that leads to deep depression and massive resentment towards ex lovers.