Originally written by Shark on April 2, 2012
A reader writes in:
“First, I would like to say thanks for the Triumph posts. They were so helpful so I am turning to you again for advice. Ok, so the situation is that my gf has become very needy and I have become very missing since I am now focusing on increasing my value for myself. I have lost several pounds, focused on school, and hanging out with my guy friends. Accordingly, one of her friends left town yesterday and is to be gone for several months so my theory is the reason she has become so needy is because she does not have a lot of friends with whom she keeps into steady contact with. This is because they like to get drunk and be really stupid and my girl wants no part of that.
So, the situation last night was that I passed out at her place after hanging out with one of my friends all day. She had gone out and was playing trivia or something so I just passed out. Fast forward to 2am and all of a sudden I am woken up by her returning drunk and wanting to talk. I stayed super chill and just told her that I am asleep and I don’t want to talk right now. She tells me that I don’t love her and tries to be the victim but I just pass out. No other word between us. In the middle of the night, we wake and end up cuddling, however, I woke up this morning to her hurriedly getting dressed, almost as if she were going to leave me there had I not woken up on my own.
She tries being mildly argumentative in the car to class but I stay disengaged and super chill. My question is should I let her reengage? My thoughts and feelings are, honestly, she could leave or stay, but this is so unimportant to me that I do not want to even let this argument/situation or whatever it could be called to have any meaning in my life. I do not think about it other than to want to see what her real problem may be. All day, I have just thought about doing what I need to do in my life and have not been letting this affect me. I guess I am not used to these disconnection because I have typically been so emotionally invested in my relationships that if something like this had happened, then the issue had to be worked out then and there. Now, especially after the Triumph post, I am totally feeling this no contact in this situation or very limited contact. Anyways, any words of advice Shark?”
Shark’s Advice About Ending Relationships
Quick answer: This is the unfortunate reality of game. Once you’re in the pilot seat of a relationship and the power dynamic is disproportionally tilted in your favor, you will lose interest in your girl. If she plays her cards right and gets hand over you, she might be able to revive your attention. Otherwise, your liking for her will keep decaying and worst (or best?) case scenario, you end up liking someone else.
A man possessed is like a woman scorned; nothing can deter him from his mission.
I brought out this comment because it brings up an interesting question regarding a relationship premise we never challenge. It’s always black and white; if a relationship is bad you dump it, if a relationship is good, you keep it. But where do you draw the line for dumping a GOOD relationship for pragmatic reasons? If you’re an investment banker or in med school and your hours are demanding, so much so that it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to maintain rapport or at least difficult enough that you don’t find it emotionally cost effective, what do you do then? If you’re making changes to your life, more focused in general, and it starts trading off with your interest in your relationship, should you pull the trigger or reprioritize? Relationships aren’t monochromatic because an imbalance WILL backfire.
The question is, will it be worth it?
Who the fuck knows. But keep this shit in mind:
In the scenario where you choose to pursue work, or where your lack of motivation to reestablish your relationship was so great that your girlfriend dumped you first, be ready for break up anxiety. It’s only normal for us to crave the POWER to choose, and I’ve had many a man tell me “I don’t want her back, I just want her to chase me.” Let it go, the complex will erode the motivation you’ve spent so long nurturing. The sudden pangs of jealousy or dread are expected reflexes, especially if you don’t find another girl to quickly fall back on. I’ve seen too many guys double back on their work ethic because they “never knew what they had till they lost it.” Fuck that, you should work even HARDER. Mistakes in audacity are easily overcome with more audacity.
Social conditioning will always encourage the family bond (an ironic thing for a society with a divorce rate higher than 7 trillion percent); but it has gone so far that men tend to associate any girl with their future lives. You could be 19, years away from getting married, but still you’re picturing your girlfriend’s face on the backdrop of 3 kids and a big house. And so, you begin to think “maybe I SHOULD tradeoff some work for this relationship, I mean, family is important isn’t it?”
See the flaw in thinking? Because you are so strongly conditioned to thinking in terms of SOUL MATES and LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS and COMMITMENT, and simultaneously socialized to place family above everything, you end up placing your girlfriend above everything.
Don’t take this the wrong way. In the words of Don Corleone, “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
But I end this with some final words of wisdom: If you lose your girlfriend in the process of achieving your dream, there’s always another girl around the corner. If you lose your dreams in the process of keeping your girlfriend, well…
And no. Do not say “She is my dream.”
Rick’s Additional Insights To Leaving Your Girlfriend
I really think Shark gives some solid advice here that 99% of men could use. Especially the part about finding a woman in the process of achieving your dreams.
Far too many men put their purpose on hold in order to pursue a woman. Turns out she’s not the best woman for you, and you end up bending over backwards for her at the cost of your own business and personal well-being.
Developing a mentality where you understand the importance of this truth is one of the backbones of everything I teach. It’s core to my relationship philosophy.
Those who don’t understand this truth end up being the type of men who place their girlfriends above everything else. So when she leaves you, you’re a complete wreck with a lack of direction. You just don’t feel like doing anything else.
Shark makes a solid point that you’ll eventually lose interest in your girl. In my experiences, I have found this to be true. The more you understand the Power of Choice, the more comfortable and content you become with yourself.
You’ll no longer feel insecure and lonely when you’re not in a relationship. And when you’re in a relationship, you won’t have those common needy feelings that create so many problems in the relationship.
Most men get this wrong because they try to give her space and act less needy as a tactic. They aren’t doing it because they’re truly no longer needy. You’ll read some advice about “no contact” and being less needy, so you go and behave that way.
You might get some initial results in the beginning, but it never lasts for the long-term because you do these things as a technique instead of out of Principle.
And that’s exactly why I focus on teaching the correct mindsets and core beliefs. When you are TRULY non-needy and TRULY enjoy having time to yourself, you will naturally be less needy and will give her the space she desires naturally.
As a result, she’ll end up wanting more of your time to the point where she might get annoying. Then, because she’s now being annoying and trying to squeeze herself into your life constantly, you lose interest in her.
This is the “downside” of being a masculine man who truly understands love and relationships. You start to see the flaws in your woman and you have to make a decision: do you stick with her and keep her around, or do you move on and try to find a woman who’s more in-line with your beliefs?
As you change and become a more complete man, you will desire women that are more like yourself. You won’t be attracted to clingy, needy women like you used to be. You’ll want a woman that lives her own life, independent from yours. You’ll see each other one or two times a week for some great sex and good times.
It’s the natural, healthy way to approach a relationship. There’s never any drama because you two don’t have time for that. This is exactly how I’ve been able to date women with BPD because there’s never any time for drama.
This ends up being a really hard concept for most people to understand. You feel like you want to spend every day with your woman since you love her! But, true love is actually the opposite.
Love in relationships is really about giving that person the freedom to do as they wish. This allows the person to feel HUMAN and grow towards you on their own time. As you two continue to see each other, you will either decide to keep her in your life or not.
The Power of Choice is yours.
I had a Skype client recently who was seeing and traveling with a woman. One night she got drunk and slept with a random guy she met in the same hostel they were staying at.
Because they weren’t officially a couple or anything like that, she didn’t do anything wrong. But, my client was really hurt by it. He really fell for her hard and continued to travel with her despite what happened.
Now like I said, she didn’t do anything wrong. My client expected too much from her and invested way too much of his emotions into her.
I advised that if it were me in his shoes, I would have moved her into my “just hook up and be friends” box after that night at the hostel. I would have continued to travel and see her, but it would never become anything more than just a friends with benefits.
This shift in mentality would have prevented soooo much drama down the line that my client experienced. Years of drama because my client continued to see her as his “true love.” He kept wanting her to be someone that she couldn’t be.
Eventually, she left him a couple years later once they were back in the US. My client went through so much pain and suffering over the years all because he didn’t know when to end it in his mind.
If he would have ended the idea of a long-term relationship after that night at the hostel, who knows what could have happened. Maybe they continued to be friends for years and years who would hook up occasionally. Maybe they don’t.
Either way, my client wouldn’t have experienced all the pain he went through, all the drama, the toxic bullshit and so on.
I hope what I’m saying here makes sense. This isn’t some linear decision. You can definitely end things in your mind but continue to see your partner. It’s an advanced concept that I don’t usually write about because it’s hard to grasp. But it makes a lot of sense once you understand it.
And surprisingly, it’s often the exact mindset that a woman wants from you.