One of the most frequent questions I get from readers around these parts is this:
“What the hell does my borderline lover want in my relationship? What can I do differently so that the relationship improves?”
Well, you stumbled onto the right article in the vast world of internets.
You’re going to learn exactly what your lover wants thanks to this amazing testimonial I received the other day.
Check it out:
BPD Woman Explains What Improved Her Marriage
I am a 61 year old lady with borderline issues since adolescence.
Having just experienced the worst relapse ever, due to immense stress that tipped me over my edge of coping, it resulted in my husband finally walking out after over 15 years of taking my shit crazy behaviors, insults, destroying his stuff etc.
Coupled with the fact that due to the borderline side of me I am estranged from 2 of my children, my brother and my father, this resulted in a good hard look at myself and the admission that my condition is far worse than I had chosen to admit to myself, blaming others for not understanding me, for inflaming me without actually holding myself accountable to myself and for lacking the empathy to see how hurt the people around me were by my actions and words.
I reached rock bottom. I researched the internet and found so many articles about how it is vital to avoid we borderlines, we are evil manipulators who cause crazy destruction in lives – which we do, and the guilt we suffer is crippling, yet I was overjoyed to find your website that is unique and therefore very appealing and interesting to borderlines like myself as you really get it.
One sentence you write which resonated especially concerned the fact that female borderlines actually want a tough, ie sets boundaries, sort of male, as this helps us with our emotional distress as you say, in a counter intuitive way.
So long story short, I sent the link of your site to my husband. He realized that he has been unwittingly codependent even though he has supported me through thick and thin, we just seemed to be such a high conflict couple even though in the quiet times we are soul mates – and I know that you dispute such a thing exists but this is a 2nd marriage for us both and it was so easy to walk away for us both 1st time around, but this time, through thick and thin, better and worse, we just could not this, until my last relapse left him with no choice as he too was worn out fighting and was at rock bottom so he needed to go to save himself and in doing so set new boundaries such as blocking me on all media which was tough but I accepted it without kicking screaming manipulating.
Even I did not invent illness, invent crisis, bombard him at work with emails, send vile emails, act helpless etc to manipulate him to come home.
Boundaries. Borderlines Benefit from Boundaries.
Anyway he joined the Academy and he came home yesterday after we had had some very positive chats after he spent a long time perusing all your articles, as he realized, thanks to you, the mistakes he has made that have inflamed the situation.
He is, as you say in your podcasts and courses, quick to react, fiery, with poor emotional control so now he is going to learn now how to best support me, and I am going to have some therapy to learn how to better manage my reactivity, my impulsivity and all the aspects of my BPD that I have been in denial about.
He is also kind, caring, devoted, works his balls off for us to live nicely.
I send you huge thanks for daring to write it differently and encouragingly because without your insightful and honest views on relationships my husband would never have taken me back.
Thank you for putting the other side of the coin and seeing that yes borderlines can be crazy but that we are also kind, caring, loyal, witty, great cooks etc etc and that is a facet of us but not us and to deal with it one needs to look at the person not the emotions.
You are amazing.
(name redacted for privacy)
Pretty amazing, right?
This is why I do what I do. Messages like this remind me of the big picture behind all the years of work I’ve put into this website and my training programs.
I’m human just like you. I go through periods where I want to give up and move on to other projects.
But then an email like this pops in my inbox. I feel that sense of gratitude once again and push myself to continue.
And continue I will because it is my duty on this planet to help you and as many people as possible achieve happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships with those of us who are ‘different’ in our heads.
BPD, codependency, anxiety, autism, etc. are extremely common these days. Life isn’t fair and some of us were dealt a hand that isn’t easy.
But it’s possible to overcome these mental issues and find a great relationship.
It’s tough but I’ll be here as your guide for as long as it takes.
A Common and Simple Approach To Relationships
Even though I haven’t been emailing as much lately, the praise for my programs continues to flood my inbox.
(Yes, this email may be a a bit narcissistic where I pat myself on my back. And teach you a thing or two).
Here’s the first message I want to share:
“Keep writing because you’re taking all this information and breaking it down into a very practical & commonsense approach to life.
You are also bringing a lot of great insights and depth to your writing but at the same time it’s very practical and I’m grateful for that ability that you have.”
I’m a big fan of keeping things as simple as possible.
If you walk into a bookstore, how many huge books do you see in the self-development section?
What about the relationships and marriage section? Or business, weight loss and so on?
The point is that there’s soooooo much information out there about how to “succeed” in whatever it is you want to succeed in.
Who the hell has the time to read these 400 page books?
Now it is true that some of these long books are probably worth the read.
But, even the great books could be quickly summarized into a quick read that is easily digested in under an hour.
Thus why I enjoy recording podcasts and keeping my writing short and to the point.
Plus, I purposely write at a 5th grade level because it’s been proven that this is best for fast consumption and mental digestion.
Straight to the point.
That’s how I roll.
That’s why I try to keep my emails quick and ‘punchy.’
Sometimes I get carried away and ramble, however. But that’s just my personality and I know that some of my readers here love it.
Anyway, onto the next message:
“Rick, your articles are simply fantastic God bless you mate for going deeper and deeper into the psyche of borderline’s and understanding why they behave the way they do.
I have never realized many of my borderline behaviors because they are automatic. When I read your emails and articles and podcasts, I realize what’s going on and now try to behave differently. Honestly, your articles have changed my life.”
That’s an email I got from a woman with BPD.
Pretty cool, right?
Not only do my emails and podcasts help out men and women who are trying to understand personality disorders, but I also have people with these personality disorders trying to learn about themselves.
I’ve been saying this for years:
The only way you can cure a sickness is to first admit that you’re sick.
Now I’m not implying that people with BPD are sick. This is simply a phrase that I learned long ago.
This phrase simply means that you can’t work on improving your relationships (or anything) until you first admit that you need to improve.
In other words, it’s all about personal responsibility.
You never visit the doctor until you look in the mirror and say, “Okay, I have an illness and I need to get it checked out.”
Most people are stubborn and refuse to admit there’s a problem with themselves until they’re pushed against the wall.
Anyway, this short and ‘punchy’ email is hitting that point where it’s no longer short anymore…
If you’re new around these parts, you’re joining at the right time.
I’m currently creating a new course called The Good Guy Problem which focuses on why men who are genuinely good and respectful get rejected and tossed aside.
It’s a very real problem that affects 90% of the men out there.
You can listen to Part 1 right now inside of the Relationship Academy.
There will be 6-8 parts total as well as written ‘chapters’ once all the recordings are complete.
Become a member right now and then navigate to the Coaching Podcast page. You’ll find the Part 1 recording at the top (along with 40+ other training podcasts):
Be my next success story.