I received an email from one of my “inner circle” members. In this email, he talks about some of the advice his therapist gave him.
He is coming to me as well for advice which I’m proud of him for doing. You should always be seeking out multiple experts and do your research no matter what it is you’re dealing with.
While I do tend to talk down to therapists, I don’t hate them all. There are some good ones out there, but they can be hard to find. Again, you need to do your research by looking up this therapist and see if anyone has good things to say about him or her.
Don’t just go blindly throwing your money at a therapist because he/she says they deal with BPD. Anyone can say that. Make sure you do your research first. Or just email me :)
Here’s the email:
“So about February she hooked up with some guy who plays the guitar in a band…the complete opposite in terms of what she always said she wanted in terms of looks and security. Very strange.
Early on she had told me she didn’t care about him all that much, she knew he couldn’t take care of her, that I treated her better than he, that her great fear is regretting leaving me, but that “it’s different” with him.
The therapist (who happens to be married to a person with PTSD) suggested that these people need somebody who is there rock, who is constant and suggested telling her basically that (a) I’m not sleeping with any girl(s), that (b) I’m not going anywhere, and (c) I want a family with her and the whole nine yards.
Predictably she “put a stick in my eye” saying she would never come back even if it failed with the band boy. Is there anyway you can think of where I can undermine the band boy?”
There’s a lot more to this story as he was seeing this girl for several months and things went to hell which is common in BPD relationships. But above you can see the main parts that stuck out to me which I want to discuss.
The first issue, and usually the most common one here, is that Bob is putting a lot of weight on the words he’s hearing from his BPD partner.
This is a very common issue that both men and women make in all kinds of relationships, not just BPD. What I teach people is that while words are obviously an essential part of relationship communication, the actual words said are only 10% of importance.
What I mean by this is that the words you hear out of the mouths of people shouldn’t hold much weight. Even when someone is telling you that they love you, don’t read into it too much. Don’t go full 100 on those words and gobble them up.
When you do, you end up hurt and confused like Bob when your lover ends up doing something they told you that they would never do.
You have to actively train your brain to pay little importance to words. Talk is cheap as they say. So if words only count for 10%, what counts for the 90%?
Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
Much, much louder. Often times when you’re in a relationship with someone that has insecurity issues, they’re going to say a lot of things to keep you from suspecting anything.
In Bob’s case, his girl was having an exciting fling with this new musician but hiding it by simply telling him that she would never go for that type of guy. She wants a good guy with a job that can provide her a decent home and lifestyle.
Well, that’s what she says she prefers… But as you see time and time again, women tend to cheat on these nice, stable, provider guys with other types of guys that aren’t so much the provider type – but they’ve got other qualities women are drawn to.
That’s a topic for another day. What you need to know is that actions will always outweigh the words, especially when there are emotions involved.
How many times have you had sex with your partner and they’re shouting how much they love you only to be completely different the next morning?
Words don’t mean much. Enjoy the moment and all that, but please remind yourself that words are just hot air and that’s about it.
Unfortunately, most people learn this the hard way. And when you have a BPD therapist that tells you to go and say more logical words, you’re only adding fuel to the fire.
This guy’s professional BPD relationship advice is to tell this woman that he wants to father her children and live with her forever. That’s what his therapist told him to say.
That therapist should lose his license!
When I read that my jaw dropped. It tells me that this therapist has absolutely no experience with real relationships. It’s mind boggling. That’s basically the same thing as me saying I have a job so I can keep the lights on in my room.
Honestly, that’s just so bad. If your reason for working is to keep a light bulb on, then you really need some excitement in your life. And if your reason for dating a woman is to have children with her, then you need to think bigger than that. Any normal woman would run away from a statement like that, not to mention a BPD.
Bob would be much better off if the therapist told him that he wants to take her to six flags and go on a bunch of roller coasters. Or that he should buy her a bundle of balloons. That seriously would have been better. And funny.
Don’t Get Categorized As ‘The Provider’
Unfortunately for Bob, the horrible advice from the therapist got him categorized as just another providing beta male.
Now he could have been categorized as this much earlier in the relationship, but this statement really nailed it. This is the type of statement where the words bite you in the ass.
The reason she basically wanted to throw a fork in his eye is because she literally became disgusted with Bob in that moment. She thought in her head ‘My god Bob you are just so damn ugly with a statement like that. Why do you think I need a caretaker? WHY? I’m an adult. I want to have FUN, not hear about babies and growing old!’
And a bunch of other stuff in a split second. Either way, when you get categorized as a provider/caretaker, you’ve pretty much completely turned your girl off.
It’s one of those things that just drives any woman with any type of ambitious or creative mind away faster than a speeding bullet. The only type of woman that would get turned on by a statement like that is a woman that grew up in a small ass town that never touched a book or dreamed of walking beyond the railroad tracks.
Like I said earlier, if having babies and providing for your partner is your idea of a successful relationship, you really need to start opening up your mind and enriching your soul. As I explain in my About Me page, that’s what I do. And this is what you need to do as well.
For the men reading this, I’m going to give you some good insights into women. And for the women, forgive me for giving away one of your big secrets lol.
Women have a list of categories in their heads that they assign to men that they meet. They’re so used to being hit on over the years that they have to filter guys extremely quick. I’m sure you can imagine how good women get at this when they get hit on hundreds and hundreds of times every year since they were 14.
You don’t even have to say anything to a woman – just simply look a certain way and you’ll get categorized instantly. The quicker you get categorized, the more turned off the woman becomes.
So with that said, if you’re in a relationship with a woman, then you got categorized pretty well in the beginning. She liked how you looked and behaved and talked, so you got categorized as that attractive man she wants.
Now over the months and the years, the relationship will develop a certain way. Your job as a man during this relationship is to not get categorized in her ‘ultimate turn off’ box. If you end up in this box, the relationship is in deep trouble.
If you’ve been reading my daily email newsletter, then you already know that our society is in a very interesting place right now. There are more women that are single now than ever before. A recent study had women around a 55% single rate compared to just 30% in the 90’s.
Women are providing for themselves now. Women can do just as much as men can do. (if you’ve seen any videos of the lingerie bowl, then you’ll know that these women look more deadly than our male football players).
They simply don’t need that classic, providing man anymore. There’s no need for it. Yet most men are living in the past and have yet to adapt to these new rules.
So what do women do? They end up running off with some new, exciting guy that’s spending all of his time doing his own thing. He doesn’t have the time to be this settled down provider. And she doesn’t want that either!
I hate to say it men but this is why the 9 to 5 lifestyle is just a bad deal for you. I know you went to school and paid a lot of money to get that degree, but with the way society is headed, that lifestyle just isn’t attractive to most women anymore.
I know that the office has a lot of women in there. But how many office romances do you see that actually seem fun and exciting? I used to work in an office and I saw plenty of office romances – but they were all pretty damn toxic. And lame. And boring.
Don’t Let The Office Be Your Life
So what can you do? What can you change to make things better for the relationship? How does a fellow 9 to 5er keep his woman turned on?
Well, my answer would be to quit and get out of there. But I know that’s not really an option for most people. I worked in a classic 9 to 5 office back in 2012 doing marketing for 9 months on the computer and phone. I decided I would never do it again. I quit and I’ve been self-employed ever since.
I basically started doing what I was doing in that office job on my own. All I needed was a few clients and I was good to go! I’ve built it up from there obviously as that was 2 years ago at least now.
If you’re stuck in the office, I would suggest that you date a woman that’s just as busy in a similar 9 to 5 office environment. That way, your schedules are similar and you’ll have similar (sometimes boring) things to talk about.
I would highly suggest that you also think about what you can do on the side that would be fun and can earn you some side income. Don’t just be the guy that comes home from work, eats and goes to sleep. Those are the men that women are leaving.
Instead, be the guy that comes home from work, has fun projects to work on and enjoy, and is always enriching his mind. Think about some hobbies you’ve been wanting to get into for some time. My dad builds guitars and works on motorcycles in his spare time.
Remember that the most attractive thing to women is your self-respect and confidence. By picking up some hobbies or projects outside of work, you build respect and confidence because it takes a different type of man to do that, a mean with a drive. Women love that in men, it’s just attractive at it’s core. The drive to do more.
If you have any power at your job, fight for some work at home days. That way, you can change up your environment and get to a new location for the day. Maybe go to a coffee shop or a park if it has wifi.
Anyway, that’s my advice on the matter. That’s what I did when I was working on my 9 to 5 and I got a lot of respect from my BPD girlfriend back then. And I started my own marketing company using their resources.
The fact is that it’s 2015 and you can teach yourself almost anything on the internet these days (hence the Information Age we live in). I have a friend that taught himself programming and got himself a job as a software engineer despite having no formal education.
Like I said above, don’t let the office be your life. Too many men and women get sucked into the 9 to 5 grind and it becomes their life. My dad is still doing that to this day and he’s in his 60’s.
I’m thankful for the life he provided for me and my mom and all that, but that’s simply the life that isn’t worthwhile any longer. The retirement age is now around 67.
So you retire and basically are too old to do anything? Not really but that just doesn’t sound fun. You start living your life at 67? Who the hell thought that was a good idea and made it mainstream?
This is why I’m really focused on teaching lifestyle improvement and enriching your mind.
It directly affects the health of your relationships.