There are plenty of good lessons written by Shark in this post IF you believe in the power of Cold Approaching.
But, as you’ll read in my follow-up that follows the post by Shark, you will see why I fundamentally disagree with the idea of Cold Approaching.
Shark received a question from a reader wanting help on cold approaching women. Here is the long, detailed, powerful answer that he gave to him that many other “gurus” would charge money for:
Part 1: Reversing Your Order of Thought
Right now you’re misconstruing the source of your problems — namely, seeing the symptoms as the source and vice versa. Thought does not precede action, ACTION PRECEDES THOUGHT. The order of these words is not just an issue of semantics. To elaborate: Imagine you see a girl. You’re about to approach her, but you think twice. Your main concern is, “I am not confident.” In this situation, thought precedes action. You are not approaching BECAUSE you are not confident. How would you go about solving this situation?
You would have to grow “confidence” — that could take years right? You’d have to read The Mystery Method, you’d have to read Double Your Dating, you’d have to talk to gurus, you’d have to study all of George Clooney’s movies, you’d have to hone your skills in the Venusian Arts before attaining that natural level of confidence that Gurus emulate effortlessly. Which in effect, means that you will be unable to approach girls for a while — perhaps for your entire youth, until you are fully sure that you are confident and capable enough to bag them.
Now let’s take that same situation and think of it the other way around. This will seem completely counter-intuitive at first, requiring you to put a certain amount of blind faith in me.
Instead of “I can’t approach because I am not Confident…”
“I am not Confident, because I can’t approach.”
How would you solve the second one? You are not Confident BECAUSE you do not approach. Which means… in order to be confident… you must approach. Visualize the difference for a second, it will hit you like a hammer. In situation A, you had to change your entire persona to solve the problem. Situation B isolates the problem as ONE ACTION. The problem is not your lack of confidence — the problem is your lack of approaching in this ONE ISOLATED INSTANCE.
“I cannot approach because I am not Confident.” = You need to become Confident to approach this girl.
“I am not Confident, because I cannot approach.” = You need to Approach this girl, and then you’ll be confident.
One isolates your thought process as the main dilemma, and thus requires a deeper, more esoteric change. The other isolates your action as the problem, requiring you to put yourself into motion to solve it. Think of how the end point of each of these situations would look, when you’ve “hypothetically” solved your problem:
Scenario A: “I can now approach because I am Confident.” = How can you know that you are confident enough? Some days you’ll feel like shit. Your game will go on a cold streak, does that mean you’ve lost your confidence? This is the way you’re thinking right now, and it will cause your game to choke at random times throughout your life.
Scenario B: “I am now Confident, because I just approached that Girl.” = You had the balls to talk to this girl, so you are now confident. The problem is simpler, and the solution is simpler. The next time your game chokes, you know what you have to do. Not “Grow Confidence” — your problem is your lack of action. You just have to force yourself to talk to some girl and you’ll regain it.
Dump all those guides, dump all those books, dump this blog. Just say SOMETHING.
Part 2: Approach Anxiety
It will never, ever go away. Gurus are responsible for 2 of the biggest misconceptions in Game.
(a) The best PUAs only have a MARGINALLY HIGHER rate of success than other Alphas or higher betas. PUAs DO NOT close left and right. They don’t go home every night with a super model, they do NOT wield weapons of mass seduction that melt vaginas from miles away.
(b) PUAs are NOT void of fear. Every single one of them will still feel approach anxiety occasionally. If you read the game, you’ll recall that Strauss talks about how at his first seminar AS A GURU, he STILL felt anxious approaching a set. He forced himself to do so anyways, and luckily his game prevailed.
The reason these myths are perpetuated is simple. These “experts” are still business men, never forget that. They need to sell a product, hence they project themselves as Gods of the female race. There’s no shame in it, they need to make a living just like anyone else. There is no “magic bullet” that will take your game to some inconceivable level. Approaching will ALWAYS be nerve wrecking.
So what do these “masters” have that regular chodes don’t? The ability to desensitize themselves to failure. They’ve been slapped by so many bitches, they’ve been rejected so many times, they’ve been spit on by so many feminists, they TRULY DO NOT GIVE A SHIT about being rejected. You know how most guys feel like shit after they get rejected from a girl? Most guys will assume “Damn maybe I’m just not good enough.” Yah, these PUAs don’t feel that. They’re fucking machines. They can bang out 20 approaches at a club within 10 minutes and even if ALL 20 FAIL HORRIBLY, they will approach the 21st girl with the same killer instinct as the first girl.
Read up on the biographies of famous seduction artists. How did Mystery learn? He didn’t develop the Mystery Method AND THEN go to clubs to use it on women. He went to clubs to meet with women first. His ego was crushed and battered with rejection after rejection, and THEN gradually he understood the laws of social dynamics. All of these PUAs have gone through a BRUTAL period of learning where reality taught them how to perfect their game.
Everyone who reads about game nowadays tries to do it the other way around. They try and “learn game first,” they try and “get rid of their approach anxiety first,” they are all doomed to failure. That is NEVER how it’s done. To have the balls to succeed, you need to have the balls to fail.
How did Neil succeed in that pickup where he was nervous? He went on “autopilot” and his game proceeded fluidly. After 1,000 approaches, you will achieve a master level of zen. Imagine stage performers. Do you think they’re 100% confident on a stage in front of thousands of people? No, their hearts are racing, their adrenaline is on overdrive.
The only reason they are still able to execute is because they have practiced their routine SO MANY TIMES that their nerves have a minimal affect on their motor controls. Their body is on autopilot, their conscious mind never interferes with their execution. PUAs are similar, when they’re “in the zone,” they are executing the same way they’ve done a thousand times before. Experience has calloused their game, their nerves are dead.
Part 3: Approaching
When you approach a girl with minimal social proof, you must approach with plausible deniability.
Your intention to seduce her cannot be blatantly obvious. Subconsciously, she knows why you’re talking to her, as does her hamster. However, YOU must retain the ability to say “Wtf? I was just talking to you to entertain myself…”
Imagine you’re at a supermarket. You’re rolling your shopping cart and you see a brunette 8 in the same aisle as you. There are 2 ways of approaching.
(a) “Hi you’re cute, can I have your number?” And then segue into a routine. Here you have 0 plausible deniability. You are clearly communicating your intentions to her.
(b) “Do you know where the carrots are? I’m looking for a treat to help train my rabbit to do backflips.” Here you have plausible deniability. You’re not communicating your interest to seduce her, you’re just saying something funny to make conversation.
Both approaches can be done. A breakdown of both will help you understand which one to use:
(a) can be used if you have a shitload of social proof and she knows who you are. This can come in a variety of forms. Are you the mayor of your city and this girls panties were already wet from seeing you walk down the aisle? Are you built and good looking? If you’re smooth, you have a relatively good amount of social proof, you’re well groomed, and THE GIRL IS ALREADY SOME WHAT PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU, this shows her that you have a mastery over the art of being bold. You’ve shown her you have balls and that you aren’t afraid to be aggressive and go after what you want.
But imagine you have a little bit of approach anxiety, you’re not exceptionally good looking, the girl is a different race from you (yes, this does matter. People are biologically wired and socially conditioned to have stereotypes), and the girl doesn’t know you. Do you think the girl is gonna drop her skirt and agree to do anal on top of the watermelons? No. She’s gonna call you a creep. Worst case scenario, she might report you to the local authorities.
This is where (b) comes in. It’s subtle, so she doesn’t have a chance to preemptively reject you. You said something funny or charming ,so you’ve planted seeds of attraction. Now you can segue into a conversation. If she starts walking away, then you know she’s not interested. But think about how you were “rejected.” By retaining plausible deniability, you don’t get REJECTED, the girl simply communicates her lack of interest. If she was interested, she would do the opposite and give you IOIs or
an opportunity to close.
Imagine if you’re at a bar. You don’t have to open up a huge 6set with a bang of an opener. If you’re Mystery or you have enough confidence, go ahead. OR, you can relax by the bar and wear headphones. 90% of the girls that walk by will give you an inquisitive look. When one catches your eye, you can respond with “yah… this music sucks.” Retain plausible deniability by keeping your body language AWAY from her. Don’t point it towards her until she comes to you and starts talking to you or gives you an IOI. ALWAYS SHOW LESS INTEREST THAN THE GIRL IS SHOWING. If she starts walking away, you start walking away. If she starts talking to another guy, you turn away or go talk to another girl.
Imagine you’re at a coffee shop. The girl right behind you is kinda cute. You don’t have to turn around and say “Hey baby, you want me to whip it out?” Wait till you’re at the front of the line and order a “straight black Coffee.” When the guy says “No milk?” reply with “Nah man, I fucking hate cows.” The girl will laugh and BOOM, you have a reason to talk to her. “No I’m serious, my village in India was attacked by one.”
At this point, especially if you’re NOT Indian, you’ll have garnered enough interest to keep talking to her. If she wants to reject you, she’ll walk away. If she keeps talking to you, whip out cocky funny or a routine from Mystery.
Say the stupidest shit that comes to your mind. You’ll be surprised with the results. (Disclaimer: Do not abuse that piece of advice). Continuously approaching with plausible deniability has a few benefits.
1) It will severely increase your social skills and ability to be funny. It will require you to constantly think on the spot and say ultra smooth — contextual things. Your brain will be conditioned to thinking in this manner, sharpening your wit.
2) It will be easier on your approach anxiety. There’s no such thing as “rejection” when you approach like this. You’re only intention is to be a social creature. If you’ll notice, these approaches don’t rely on “routines.” If you ask a girl a question, you are instigating an immediate need for either rejection or approval. By making a funny remark, you’re only creating an
opportunity for her to like you.
Rick’s Comments About Approaching Women
Okay so like I said at the beginning of the article, if you’re into all that pick up artist stuff, then you’ll probably think everything you just read is total gold.
But here is the truth when it comes to approaching:
It’s the most overblown “technique” of all time.
Sure, approaching a hotty at a bar or a party can definitely score you getting laid that night or possibly a future date. In this case, all the advice from Shark will be useful, and you definitely do not need to pay any of these “gurus” hundreds or thousands of dollars to teach you that.
I say that approaching is overblown simply because I have known many “puas” over the years including some of these “experts” that people pay thousands of dollars.
And let me tell you for certain: all of this approaching that they do has rarely, if ever, landed them a great relationship. At most, these guys sometimes are able to convince a cute drunk girl at the club to come home with them.
But most of the time, they really don’t get much action at all from all the approaching.
Now because I’m pretty wise and noticed this over the years, I realized that spending my energy on trying to approach is really a big waste of time. It would be much better to spend my time on actually socializing with people who have connections, who are successful, entertaining, fun and so on.
Instead of approaching women, I found myself approaching guys more often, lol. And this isn’t just a bar or club thing. In fact, I haven’t been to a bar or a club in years.
And yet I have had no problem meeting women all these despite the fact that I never cold approach. I can’t remember the last time I cold approached a girl. It’s been probably 5 or 6 years. I simply don’t do it anymore.
All the women I meet are either from my social circles introducing me to women, or on the rare case that I go online to meet women (no, I won’t tell you where I meet these women online and it’s not any of the common dating apps).
I’ve always been against this cold approaching stuff for a long time now because it’s how the “gurus” make their millions. They get paid to literally walk to up women, and you’d be surprised how often they pay and plant women in clubs and bars.
One of the gurus I was friends with for awhile had a few hot friends he was paying to be at the bars and clubs he would take students to. It’s so scummy that I cut him out of my life because of that and other reasons. And this guy was one of the top instructors! It’s a joke of an industry.
You’re much better off spending your time in the gym, getting healthy, building a business, networking, socializing with other men who are actually successful and can introduce you to lots of other connected people, and so on.
But, you need to be a man of some value. That’s why it’s important to work on yourself, be cultured, bring something to the table. It needs to be more than just some “fun” personality. You need to be somebody that can match these people on an intellectual level. You need to study these people, find out what they like, try to learn just as much as them if not more, and then you’ll be able to connect.
It’s crazy how much easier life is when you can do this. It’s many times more powerful than approaching, and easier too.