I really don’t like using the word ‘survive’ as it sounds like we’re just trying to keep our heads above water.
I really want you to do more than just survive – I want you to thrive in BPD relationships because I’ve been doing it for years, and teaching men and women what I know.
Leaving a BPD relationship worse off than before you entered is always a clear sign that you stuck around far too long and lost a lot of self-respect and pride. Not good.
It’s a tough truth to accept, but it is the absolute truth. This is because relationships, by definition, are about coming together and improving the quality of both you and your partner’s life.
However, if your life got worse and worse as the relationship dragged on, you weren’t actually in a relationship anymore – you were just trying to survive, clinging to bad habits that never work.
It’s with this reason that I released a free guide to the public all about the #1 mistake that causes your partner to hate you and leave you. Get it here:
I’ll send the guide to your email. Check it out after you read this article because it’s a quick read and full of advice you can put to use right now.
It’s important to understand this truth as it will show you where you’re really at on an emotional level.
The more dependent you are on your partner, the more you find yourself in emotional pain. This leads to low self-esteem, low self-worth and ultimately depression.
My goal with this article is to help you recover yourself. I’m going to explain to you why you don’t have to feel hurt. I’m going to help you recover your emotions and feelings so you can move forward with strength.
1. Your Partner Isn’t That Special
The first thing you must accept is the fact that your boyfriend or girlfriend really isn’t all that special.
Chances are, you have some grand view of your partner. You’ve convinced yourself that they have this ‘potential’ that you wish they would unlock.
Unfortunately, they never seem to unlock this ‘potential’ that you see. You stick with him or her over and over again due to this ‘potential’ that only you can see.
The truth is that all you’re doing is putting your partner on a pedestal. You are clouding the truth of the situation.
You’re doing this because you are making an excuse to stick with this person despite all the toxic behavior and abuse.
What you need to accept is the fact that your partner really isn’t all that special. They’re no better than you or anybody else out there. They’re imperfect.
And that’s okay. One of the best mindsets you can ever accept is that fact that nobody is perfect and that we’re all equal.
There are many more ‘amazing’ people just like your boyfriend or girlfriend out there waiting for someone just like you to date them.
2. Personal Responsibility Is Required
The next very important fact for you to understand is that until you accept 100% personal responsibility for the problems of the relationship, you will never be able to move on.
This is usually a very tough concept for people to accept because BPD is such an easy excuse.
Your partner behaves in all these inconsistent ways and it just seems totally obvious to you that your partner is to blame.
Well, responsibility doesn’t mean blaming anyone, including yourself. This is very important and something you need to understand.
All this means is that you accept responsibility for your current situation in life.
You tell yourself “I am responsible for this heartache and pain. I am responsible. It was my choice to remain in the relationship despite being hurt. I am responsible.”
There’s no blaming yourself, there’s no blaming your partner. It’s just accepting responsibility which is a requirement for moving forward and improving your emotional state.
It is very important that you remain in the present. Understand that who you are right now, the way you feel right now, is 100% your responsibility.
If you choose to lay in bed in pain all day long feeling sorry for yourself instead of educating yourself and improving your well-being, that is 100% your choice to do so.
Often times, you make the mistake of blaming yourself just as much as blaming others. You really want to stop doing both.
The more you blame yourself, the more you’re going to feel inadequate which lowers your self-esteem.
And the more you blame your partner for the problems of the relationship, the more you make excuses which prevents you from moving forward and improving your well-being.
So the key is to really accept responsibility, forgive yourself and then forgive your partner.
Get yourself a journal or a piece of printer paper. Write out all of the feelings you have. Write everything that pops into your head.
Once finished, read all of these things out loud to yourself. Then, forgive yourself.
This will help you start the healing process. Doing this exact exercise helped me heal my heartache in just a few days when my first BPD girlfriend broke my heart.
I am very thankful for my friend that taught me this exercise as I was sick in bed for 10 days before I did it.
3. Thinking That He / She Needs You
A common problem in BPD relationships is the belief that your partner needs you to take care of them or help them with his or her life.
This belief is deeply rooted in codependency. Codependents cling to relationships because they believe that their partner needs them to make things better.
The reality is that this clingy behavior is exactly what pushes away your partner and causes him or her to give you the “cold shoulder.”
You feel that you’re doing the right thing. You’re being this “good” partner, always there for him or her, always willing to help.
However, the message you indirectly send is that your partner is irresponsible. You deeply believe that they are incapable of taking care of themselves.
This is the message that your boyfriend or girlfriend receives. In response, they feel disrespected and thus push you away.
You might feel that you’re just trying to help them, but understand that a healthy, non-codependent individual doesn’t take on the responsibility of others.
And this is what brings us to the main problem of codependents: they constantly feel responsible for the feelings of others.
It’s as if you can’t help feel this way. You see your partner struggling in life and you so badly want to help pull them into a better life.
However, you end up only making things worse for your partner and the relationship when you behave this way.
You become an enabler. You lack boundaries. Your partner never learned. You ultimately lose respect.
4. You’re Responsible For Your Own Happiness
One of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to relationships is the belief that a relationship will make you a happier person.
However, this isn’t ever the case because happiness is a completely independent emotional feeling.
In fact, all feelings are independent. They are generated within you and external forces have no influence on the way you feel.
The way you feel is simply how you interpret things that occur in your environment.
If you always react to external stimuli, then you’re responsible for the way you feel due to always being reactive and letting external things affect you.
Nobody but yourself is responsible for the way you feel. No matter how abusive or hurtful your partner may be, it’s still you that reacts and feels a certain way.
Blaming your partner for making you feel sad or depressed is a common mistake most people make.
The reality is that it’s 100% your responsibility for how you feel at all times.
But this doesn’t mean that you can control how you feel all the time. Feelings come and go and it’s impossible to feel a certain way all the time.
This applies to both happiness and sadness. These feelings come and go. They are largely determined by your thoughts and inner dialogue.
They key with happiness is being genuinely happy about your own life and your own self whether you’re single or in a relationship.
Knowing this, think about your own personal life that’s separate from the relationship.
What would you like to improve about your own self that would make you happy?
The answers to this question need to become your goals, something you work on daily. This is how you become consistently happy regardless of who you’re dating.
5. Relationships Should Be About Growth
Growth is what defines a healthy relationship.
As I stated earlier, if your relationship seems to constantly be heading down hill, then that’s not a relationship.
I’ve made it a personal habit for myself that I will never involve myself in anything that doesn’t help me grow and improve.
So whether I’m dating a woman that constantly brings me down, or if I’m friends with a guy that seems to keep pulling me back, I will cut that relationship off.
This is simply an attitude adjustment and a mindset you must adopt. Going into any kind of relationship or situation with this attitude will set a strong boundary from the get-go.
If you’re hurting right now, just think about this mindset. Are you worse off now than before the relationship? Do you feel that this person has a strong hold on you emotionally?
If you answered yes to those questions, then that tells you right away that your boyfriend or girlfriend was an anchor dragging you down.
And there’s nothing you can do about it. Their behavior and actions are completely out of your control and are not your responsibility.
Understand that the more hurt you are by a break up, the more attached, and possibly obsessed, you’ve become to this person.
In a way, you’ve become your own anchor dragging yourself down due to this attachment and dependency.
The more hurt you are over a relationship is a direct reflection of your lack of independence and self-worth.
It’s very important to understand because being dependent on someone else is exactly why your partner grew distant towards you.
6. Why Do You Walk On Eggshells?
I’ve been there. My first 3 relationships in my 20’s were with women that have BPD. And I failed massively in these relationships due to my codependent nature.
I was always walking on eggshells due to the fear I had of losing the relationship.
People like to often blame the fear of abandonment on their partner. However, the truth is that it’s you with the fear of abandonment.
Why are you hurting so bad right now? Because you’ve been abandoned by your partner, the person you love.
Understand that people with BPD do not have a fear of abandonment. They instead have a fear of attachment which is different.
Codependents are actually the ones with the fear of abandonment. But people with BPD are often codependents as well.
This is why people with BPD will often grow very attached to you, then quickly abandon you the next day. It goes back and forth.
It’s interesting to think about and you simply need to be aware of it.
Walking on eggshells only makes relationships work. It doesn’t matter whether your partner has BPD or not – if you aren’t communicating and keeping things inside, you’re contributing to the problems of the relationship.
Communication is a huge topic and something that I could write hundreds of pages on.
The key concept I want you to leave with is knowing that the less you speak your true feelings, the less you become true to yourself.
This obviously has a negative impact on your relationships.
Recovering From Your BPD Relationship
Moving forward, the best thing you can do is be true to yourself.
It won’t do you any good to reach out to your partner and try to explain yourself. Don’t make the mistake that so many others do by writing an email or a letter.
While letters can help you get some closure, 99% of the time you’ll write a letter incorrectly that will only make matters worse. So don’t do it.
Remember that the only reason you feel this pain is because you’re simply trying to survive. You’re not trying to thrive and build yourself up.
The more knowledge you have about BPD relationships and yourself in general, the faster you’ll recover and get back on your feet.
Remember that the more you start getting things done and improving yourself, the more you’ll feel good about yourself.
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