The keys to a healthy relationship are good mindsets, self-respect, and emotional control.
But, there are a lot of other things that play an important role as well. People have written entire books on these subjects (most of these books suck by the way).
So what role does Rapport play in a relationship?
That’s what I want to quickly talk about in this email, as it does play a role.
First of all, rapport is different from love. The problem with “love” is that it’s purely emotional. It can cause you to do stupid things if you struggle to control your emotions.
Rapport develops over a period of time.
For men, rapport grows from loyalty. The more your girlfriend gives you her attention and love, the more you’re going to enjoy being with her.
For women, rapport grows in similar ways: through nourishment and providing her a stable, healthy life.
However, there’s a major problem here:
Rapport is NOT the same as attraction.
A lot of people make the mistake of confusing rapport for attraction. They think that showering their partner with attention and gifts and being an “emotional tampon” will make you more attractive.
But, it never does. In fact, it does the opposite and will lower your attraction if done too often.
Rapport should develop naturally as the relationship progresses.
You and your partner should develop rapport over a period of time.
If you’ve been with someone for several months, or years even, and they struggle to develop rapport with you, then that should be a major sign that something is wrong with this person.
This is the case with most toxic relationships:
You’ve been dating for a long time, and yet your partner pushes you away when you try to get closer.
Or, they just won’t get close to you in general. It’s a real struggle for your partner to trust and commit after all this time.
Then, you might try even harder to build rapport. But, you are pushed away even more which lowers your attraction.
Yes, this all might sound confusing, and that’s because it is.
This is why a lot of what I teach is centered around bringing your focus back to your own self and developing your attractiveness.
Most people who find my work are making the mistake of building rapport instead of building attraction. They confuse the two.
As a result, they are stuck in this patterns where they’re trying to build trust and loyalty and commitment with their partner, only to get pushed away and cheated on over and over again.
It’s a pattern.
And so my work is about helping both men and women change up their thought-process and mindsets so they approach relationships differently.
It’s really important to recognize the difference between Attraction building and rapport building.
Both are important for the health and stability of any relationship. But, focusing too much on one over the other will almost always result in a toxic, unstable relationship.
If this email makes sense to you, great. It’s not an easy topic to understand.
What I’ve noticed over the years is that people who are stuck in this constant rapport-building mindset have a Codependent relationship mentality.
You were probably raised this way and you’re genuinely a nice, good person.
The problem with codependency is that your behavior is almost always about building rapport from day 1 with people you like.
It’s not a bad thing… but, relationships require building attraction as well. Without the attraction, you’ll struggle.
And this is the main reason relationships fail in the end.
Which is why my email newsletter is the best source of daily, up to date relationship advice and techniques.
By simply turning down the level of rapport building behavior, you’ll naturally turn up your level of attractiveness over time.
Some people get great results just from reading my emails for a few weeks. And, they’re free to read. All it costs is your time.
It simply depends on how quickly my writings “click” for you.
Click here to join my email newsletter and you’ll get my free Relationship Death Sentence as well.
Forcing Rapport Always Leads To Rejection
Remember that rapport is something you build naturally over time. It cannot be something you continually force day after day.
Everything I just mentioned above. Pure rejection.
The rejection happens because rapport is NOT enough to keep a relationship healthy.
You need both rapport and attractiveness to keep a relationship alive and healthy.
When you ignore the attraction part and focus on rapport, you turn your partner off and they will reject you every single time.
Listen well, fellow truth-seeker, for I shalt give wisdom unto thee:
Attraction is more important than rapport.
Douchebags and “Nice guys” are both losers when it comes to relationships, but the douchebags ALWAYS get more love than the “nice guys.”
The Douchebag fails to build rapport and eventually gets dumped.
The “Nice Guy” builds too much rapport and rapidly gets dumped.
Both lose in the end, but the rapport-building nice guy loses much faster than the douchebag.
The “Nice Guys” of the world make the big mistake of thinking that rapport = attraction.
Thinking this way is a big mistake, my friend. Yet so many men have this wrong mentality.
It’s why you’re baffled when your girlfriend rejects you “out of the blue”, pushing you away for another man (usually a man who is more attraction-focused).
Some women will get all the rapport-loving from you, and go sleep with a douchebag behind your back to get her attraction-cravings.
Men and women need BOTH rapport and attraction at the end of the day.
This is what makes a relationship last. Failure to abide by these facts will result in crying and blaming. You’ll blame your partner for leaving you, when in fact you played a big role in her leaving you.
As mentioned in the previous articles and emails I’ve written over the years, individuals who focus solely on rapport building almost always suffer from a codependent mindset.
You might not even know what that word means.
But believe me when I say that it’s the most devastating mindset of all when it comes to relationships.
People who are codependent will go their whole life struggling in relationships. It will always feel like an uphill battle.
Thanks to the wisdom I pass onto you through these blessed emails, you now know why.
There is no excuse for you to look back 5 years from now and wonder why your partner left you.
I get emails from people all the time. And, every single time, it’s blatantly obvious that they spend way too much time trying to build trust and affection and love (aka Rapport) with their partner.
Clearly not enough attraction.
Thus are the struggles of the codependent man and woman.
Never mistake rapport for attraction. Buying flowers and taking her out to dinner on Valentine’s Day does NOT build attraction.
Doing something that completely unexpected and random CAN build attraction (unless she’s completely fallen out of love for you).
Here’s THE golden tip I’m going to give to you which you’ll probably never see my write about in these emails again:
When your relationship is in trouble, focus on building ATTRACTION and ditch the rapport.
Most relationships aren’t truly over until you act like a fool post break-up.
In other words, you break up and start doing all this dumb rapport-building.
That’s when the relationship is truly over.
No, my friend, you must do the opposite. Ditch the rapport and build attraction. It’s the only way to save any relationship from total doom.
Hence why you MUST ditch your codependent mindset. Your codependency wants you to do all these nice, rapport-building things in order to “save” the relationship.
But, that’s actually the opposite of what you must do.
So How Do You Build Attraction Instead Of Rapport?
This brings us to the final question that’s on your mind: how do you build attraction instead of building rapport?
I’ve gotten a couple questions about this so I’ll share them here as well as my answers that follow. But, understand that this is a complex, unique topic. Everyone is unique when it comes to attraction.
Q: What are some simple suggestions as to how to build attraction back up? I’m in a LDR and I get to see her every 3 months or so, so I find this very hard especially since her mood fluctuates SO MUCH (for good reason, she truly has had a hell of a life there).
The first issue I see with this person, and why they’re having difficulty building attraction, is because he’s in a long-distance relationships (LDR).
I have always advised against getting into long-distance relationships because it’s almost impossible to keep your attraction at a high level when you only see each other every few months.
All it takes is someone more attractive and better at rapport to sweep her off her feet. She’ll forget about you overnight when this happens.
But, the even bigger mistake is when you try even harder to retain her interest. You’ll do all the classic rapport building which actually just pushes her away further.
My advice? Stop taking your long-distance relationship seriously. Enjoy your time with her when she’s in town, but then become extremely unpredictable and hard to reach when she’s gone.
Make her constantly wonder what you’re doing by being hard to reach. Curiosity is one of the best ways to build your attraction.
Q: It would be lovely if the next email was about how to build attraction… thank you sensei :)
You should be starting to understand that attraction is different from rapport. It’s completely different and more important than rapport.
If you’re having trouble keeping your partner interested in you, then you’re doing too much rapport and not enough attraction.
Attractiveness is about 30% physical, 70% mental.
You’ve got to at least be somewhat appealing to the person you want to date.
Beware of the low-quality, shallow individual. There are A LOT of them out there. These are the people that only care about looks. You want to avoid these people like the plague. It’s easy to filter these people out when you follow what I teach.
An easy example is to avoid any woman who has a height requirement. Low-quality women care about superficial, petty things like height which a man can’t even control.
Approval-seeking behavior is a major red flag. It’s a form of neediness, which is one of the most toxic behaviors any individual can have.
You can thank social media and the visual world we live in. Technology has made people extremely insecure, fake and low-quality.
Thus why I always teach you to think for yourself and don’t follow the crowds. This is exactly what every high-quality, successful person I know does.
Now on a mental level, you need to be doing things that make people attracted to you. This means being unpredictable, spontaneous, true to your word, not a pushover, not afraid to stand up for yourself, being opinionated, congruent, consistent, secure, fun, mysterious, social and so on.
There’s a lot of factors that go into attractiveness, and each person can be very unique to what they find more attractive.
This is why the easiest way to keep yourself attractive to a partner is to simply date people who really like you for your true self.
Obviously you should get rid of your bad, unattractive habits and rapport-building that turns your partner off.
Once you improve yourself personally, get out there and see how people respond to you. Go on a bunch of dates with different people and see who really likes you for who you are.
It really makes relationships so much easier when the person you’re dating makes things feel effortless.
When the relationship feels effortless, this means you’re hitting all of the attraction marks. The only way to screw this up is to change what you’re doing.
People who suffer with Codependent thinking will always find themselves in a relationship feel like a ton of effort.
This is because building rapport is a major chore when your partner isn’t getting the attraction from you that they want.
When your partner finds you attractive, the rapport comes naturally. It’s easy and effortless. Your partner is building rapport WITH you.
As the relationship starts to get worse and worse, everything will feel forced. This is a clear sign that you’re doing things WRONG and need to completely revamp your approach.
Bad habits play a big role in killing your attraction. This is why sometimes just stopping several bad habits will automatically boost your attraction.
You’re literally improving your relationships by doing nothing.
Relationships are one of those things where less equals more.
By putting a STOP to bad habits and doing nothing instead, you’ll often increase your attraction levels.
A classic, common example of this is STOPPING yourself from sending that stupid text or calling her back for the 3rd time in a row. This is a guaranteed way of killing your attraction even more.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this article. Remember to get on my email newsletter if you want to learn more on an almost daily basis straight to your inbox.