Originally written by Shark on March 16, 2012
I got the idea for this post after reading someone’s thread on a pick up artist forum regarding soft nexts to handle drama in relationships — an idea I wholly support. I noticed that right after, people were immediately pointing out the issue of “communicating” with your girlfriend, a very misleading and instinctively beta response.
Most people on this site would agree that the majority of relationship advice being circulated in the mainstream is highly feminized, to the point of blurring the line between what is “good” and “bad” in a relationship, and insidiously aimed at upholding the feminine imperative. To illustrate:
The guy proposes that you should cut off all contact with your girlfriend if she indulges in the female tendency to baffle you with bullshit pulled out of thin air.
The punishment should fit the crime. If a girl does something blatantly disrespectful or totally unacceptable, then you should initiate a “soft next”. A soft next is where you completely cut contact with a girl for a couple days immediately after she displays any really bad behavior (may be longer, depending on how often you see her). You don’t reply to emails, texts, or answer her phone calls.. no matter what. Just be too busy for a couple days. Then, when you initiate contact again, you act as if nothing happened. You do not need to verbally acknowledge that you are purposely ignoring her to punish her. If she asks, then just tell her you were busy (no need to go into details). If she gets dramatic again, then leave and repeat the process. This is incredibly effective and probably your single greatest tool for dealing with drama in a relationship.
Many people reactively think. Isn’t it better to talk things through with your girl? Isn’t it better to communicate with your girlfriend instead of cutting her off?
No — it is not.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t ever resolve an important issue with your girlfriend, only that the idea “you need to communicate with your girlfriend” is NOT interpreted the way it’s supposed to be.
Like chivalry, the concept gets perverted when communicated to most men.
Case in point:
You go no-contact with her for 3 days after a shit test or whatever the fuck she pulls.
Are you supposed to talk things through? No. If you OVERTLY communicate to her, “hey, we need to talk, I’ve been ignoring you because of XYZ,” you become a sulking beta. A typical nice guy. Game over.
If she is far too promiscuous and constantly seeks attention from other guys, are you supposed to talk things through?
No, simple math. There is no such thing as a soulmate. If there are 10,000 girls out there who can fit your template, is it better to try and fix a damaged relationship or seek out a girl who ISN’T promiscuous? The purpose of game is to CUT YOUR LOSSES, NOT MAXIMIZE VICTORIES.
Some people might argue, “isn’t it better to try and fight for a good relationship?” Well, think about it:
The danger of NEXTING a girl who IS a good fit for you, because you prematurely ejected from the relationship, is NOTHING compared to the danger of STAYING IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP because you did NOT next her soon enough.
You fuck up and ruin a good relationship, another one will come by.
You fuck up and marry the wrong girl, you’re done. This is why they always say having an ABUNDANCE MENTALITY is crucial to having a healthy relationship, and avoiding UNHEALTHY ones.
The OP responded to the argument by saying having discussions are good as long as they’re not fights. I would go a step further and say, even discussions CAN be cut out of the question. Have you ever tried to logically discuss something with a girl? Then tell me, does it work? You soft neg consistently. If she changes, she changes. If she doesn’t, next.
What’s even more disturbing though, is the way he had to retroactively agree that “communication” was a good idea, because that “rule ” is THAT FUCKING EMBEDDED within The Matrix. It’s impossible to escape and you’ll notice even the most masterful of Don Juans occasionally give in to their default conditioning.
As for communicating with your girlfriend, that’s a tricky word. You don’t try and express something OVERTLY to them. Women are averse to anything of that sort.
For instance: say you want to build competitive anxiety.
You do NOT have a discussion about it. You do NOT tell her, “Hey babe, I think our relationship lacks sexual tension and it’s something we need to work on.”
Instead, you go to the gym, work on yourself, build some social proof, and perhaps talk to a few girls just to let her know you CAN get someone else, your life does not revolve around her.
She begins to wonder, “Why does he work out so hard?” and “He’s pretty popular now… other girls probably like him…” and “Is that girl trying to steal my man?”
A girl’s imagination is your greatest asset in your relationship. Don’t squander it by trying to discuss everything and putting your cards on the table.
To allay any misunderstanding, I am NOT suggesting that you shouldn’t ever talk to your girlfriend. Rather, that you should reevaluate the idea of discussing something or communicating with her. And truly ask yourself: is this something that must be discussed, or am I just using that as an excuse to whine about my insecurities?
Rick’s Comments About Communicating With Your Girlfriend
This is one of the better posts that Shark has written because it really conflicts with the mentality of most guys. Most men believe that whenever they run into an “issue” with their girlfriend, he should communicate it with her and try to solve it.
Women will ALWAYS tell you that communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
Well, this is one of those typical half-truths that women always say. And, it should be no surprise that much of this advice comes from the beta-ran mainstream media.
You’ll read this type of advice in magazines, beta cuck boys on tv shows will say things like this, movies will reinforce this behavior, and so on and so forth.
As a result, men start to believe it. You start to become reactive to everything women do instead of being the leader of the relationship which is what women truly want, but will rarely admit.
In a healthy relationship, the woman should always be reacting to the man. That’s what a follower does. If you’re the leader, which you should be as a man, you shouldn’t be the one reacting to things. You set the course. You are the captain of the ship. When bad weather hits, you lead that boat through the squall.
You don’t sit there and try to communicate with the storm and understand why it’s doing what it’s doing. It’s a storm! It’s just doing what nature intended it to do. You can’t reason with it. It will run its course and be calm once again.
Giving her the cold shoulder is often an extreme reaction to her bad behavior. I would never encourage a man to ghost a girl he is dating and cares about.
At most, all you need to tell her is that her behavior is a huge turnoff and you’re going home. That’s all you need to do. You can ignore her texts for the rest of the night, but feel free to respond to her the next day.
I think it’s really important to not be around a partner who’s going to bring a bad vibe around you. It’s important to exit the situation quickly.
If she tries to throw the blame on you again for whatever reason, all you need to say is “Look babe, your vibe last night was wack. If you’re going to keep behaving like that around me, then I won’t see you anymore. It’s as simple as that. Treat me better and I’ll keep you in my life.” and go from there.
If she doesn’t change, then you back out even more. But she’ll usually come around after you communicate this boundary to her.