One of the hardest things for any man or woman in a BPD relationship is the “No Contact Rule” or NC for short.
The topic of No Contact is one of the most popular on the internet for a reason.
Why is this?
Well, the simple reason for this is because it does tend to work.
But does it work in the way that you want it to?
Having coached thousands of men and women over the years, I can tell you for certain that the “No Contact Rule” is extremely overrated.
Because Borderlines are generally attractive individuals, both in looks and in personality, to the unsuspecting eye.
They can easily meet a new person for a romantic relationship no problem.
What this means is that going “no contact” is generally pointless from a tactical point-of-view because the Borderline will already be in a new relationship without a single thought of you.
So when it comes to the No Contact Rule, you should really only commit to this when you 100% want nothing to do with your partner.
When you want to move on completely and date someone new.
You should never go NC with the idea to get your ex back. This means you’re tactic-focused which will eventually end badly for you.
Playing games always ends badly, especially when you’re dating a Borderline. So don’t do it.
What a Borderline needs in a relationship is for YOU to be genuine and tough on him/her. Check out this story for an example:
BPD Woman Treats Her Man Like A King
As the years roll by, my philosophy has evolved when it comes to dating and relationships, especially with people who have BPD.
I learn just like anybody else. My mindsets improve, I experience new things, society changes as well.
The point is that no matter where you’re at in life, you need to have a mindset that’s focused on growth.
What this means is that you’re not focused on the past; you focus on the present and the future.
I don’t buy into that bullshit about “just be present and ignore the future” because it’s the future that matters.
To “live your life for today” and ignore the future is FOOLISH.
Yes, it is true that what’s happening right NOW is all that matters… even Jesus himself said so.
He said something like, “Stop worrying about tomorrow when today brings enough.” I don’t know the exact quote, but he is right.
Either way, keeping your head in the past is a recipe for disaster.
It’s a big reason why men and women have problems in relationships.
Let’s say you had this wonderful BPD Honeymoon Period with this girl you’ve been seeing.
It was great while it lasted, but the past several months have been nothing like it.
Day in and day out, you fantasize about a return to that wonderful time.
The passion was explosive, the sex better than anything you’ve ever had, feeling like your life couldn’t get any better.
The relationship is completely different (if it’s even a relationship at all).
Too many people fall into this mindset trap where they want to return to the past.
And, I don’t blame you. After all, it was a wonderful time, right?
But, here’s the truth: the honeymoon period will never happen again with that person. You will never return to those days.
This is because the past is in the past. No matter what you do, you cannot jump to the past and experience the same feelings again.
If you can’t accept this truth, then you’re in for a world of hurt. You’ll waste a lot of time and energy that could have been spent otherwise.
So what’s a person like you do?
Well, believe it or not, when you stop chasing the past and instead focus on your own self for the future, good things happen.
The Honeymoon Period isn’t some temporary thing when you’ve got the right mentality and the focus is on the self.
It becomes something consistent.
A way of being.
This girl I know, who is a definite BPD with a crazy side of feminism, has been seeing this guy that she’s crazy about.
Just absolutely head over heels for.
You would never guess she has BPD by the way she behaves around him and treats him.
She is always available for him, she still doesn’t know if HE is in love with her or not (they’ve been dating for 5 months), she says the sex gets better and better every time they hang out, she lets him do ANYTHING he wants to her body, etc.
All this because she feels like he’s the best man she’ll ever get.
Like I said, she shows zero signs of BPD around him. The last thing she wants to do is act like a crazy person around him.
What’s the deal here? Why hasn’t she done the typical BPD behavior with this guy?
It’s because what I said above: she feels like he’s the best man for her and she’ll never do better (even though he’s 25 years older than her).
She has absolutely no control over this man. He does what he wants, when he wants, and he’s his own man.
He’s a successful, well-connected man. Knows pretty much all the important people in his field.
This girl feels like losing him would be the end of her life. She feels that she will never get the chance to experience all these great things with anybody else.
That’s the key lesson here that I hope you’re able to process.
And, it’s really a mentality at the end of the day.
Even if this guy didn’t have all these connections and high status, he would still have no problem dating women.
His mindsets are right on the money with everything I’ve been teaching people over the years.
He’s got that attitude and mindset that makes him unique and rare. He’s not even a good looking guy, either. He’s in his late 40’s, he’s short, he doesn’t really workout and has very average looks.
But, he’s got the attitude and the mindsets that make a woman want him for the long-term.
He’s also a high status individual with many connections and a lot of money.
So, it makes sense that my friend is on her best behavior around him at all times.
I’ve recorded dozens and dozens of podcasts that are designed to teach you the attitude and mentality this man has.
Obviously, I can’t teach you how to be rich financially, but I can teach you how to have the mentality that’s more than good enough to keep a Borderline interested in you so they’re on great behavior 99% of the time.
It’s a true shift in the way of thinking for most people.
And, it’s not something you can just pick up on right away — it can take weeks and weeks of listening to the lessons and engraining them into your mind.
Nothing worth having is easy. It never has been. Anyone telling you otherwise is lying.
Think of it as an investment into your future well-being.
Do you want to have the attitude and mindsets that completely shuts down BPD craziness?
Then you’ll want to study my podcasts and apply them to your life.
How To Hold The Power In A Relationship
Got this comment the other day from a fellow reader:
“With real attraction you hold the power and its game over. Women willingly submit and act like a little puppy once you pass her filters/tests/checklist.
If she is unsure about you – let the games begin!”
And, how right he is.
But, this doesn’t just apply to women.
Men do this too!
In fact, if you ever find yourself with the potential to date a great woman, you’ll be more motivated than ever before.
I remember the first time I was prospected by a gorgeous woman.
I was getting up at 7am everyday. I was putting in 6-8+ hours of work into my businesses and passions. I was hustling like a mad man.
I got more done in a week than I had done in the past 6 months.
This is the power that women have over men. They motivate us to kick ass and take names, especially if she’s a high-status woman. We want to be GREAT for her.
And, this is good! There’s nothing wrong with being motivated by a woman to be your best self. In fact, I think it’s healthy. It’s how relationships are supposed to be.
One of my main goals in life has always been to date awesome, beautiful women. You need to know what you want if you ever hope to achieve it.
Like I said above, dating someone beautiful has always been my best source for my motivation. When I’m not dating anybody, I lose most of my motivation.
It’s quite interesting to see how driven a man will become when he’s trying to get an amazing woman to commit to him.
Now with all that said, if your ONLY source of motivation is women, then you’re bound to live a sad, miserable life.
What will you do when there’s no woman giving you attention?
As a guy who had massive codependency issues, I would only work hard and kick ass when an attractive woman wanted me.
When I had no women, I would be extremely lazy, wake up at noon, spend an hour (if that) per day on work stuff.
That’s not good!
It’s one of the many reasons why codependency is terrible. And, it’s not easy to break out of.
You have to get to the point where you’re happy and excited and driven as a single, alone individual.
To this day, I still get my best motivation when I’m dating someone beautiful. That’s just how it is for a man who enjoys having women in his life.
But, it’s not my only motivation anymore. I can still find ways to be motivated when I’m not dating anybody. This is key.
If you feel that a new day is nothing more than just another day of the sun coming up and down, then you need a kick in the ass.
Think of my Coaching Podcasts as this daily kick in the ass.
I’ve recorded 40 at this point. If you listen to just one per day, you’ll find yourself motivated and inspired to get up and make moves.
This builds unshakeable confidence. This builds a desirable attitude.
These are vital attributes if you want any sort of change in your relationship.
The focus must be about YOU going forward, and less about your partner and the relationship.
Make my coaching podcasts a part of your daily life. Just 20-30 minutes per day. I promise you’ll see big changes in your relationship in the next week or two.
How To Find A High-Quality Partner For Relationships
A common question that rolls into my inbox is this:
“How do I go about getting a high-quality relationship?”
Well, the answer to this is easy:
Be someone of quality!
If you can get this part right, you won’t have issues in your relationships.
But as with all things, accepting this truth isn’t easy.
Because there’s many attributes that go into making someone high-quality.
The truth is that most people are not quality individuals.
In fact, 95% of people are basic. They don’t offer much. They’re boring, predictable, they do the same things.
Worst of all, their mindsets are incredibly basic.
This is simply how most people are.
If you’re having issues with your dating life because you continue to end up dating someone who’s toxic and chaotic, it’s because you aren’t really a high-quality individual.
You’ll never know what it’s truly like to date someone of quality until you actually get into a relationship with this type of person.
Because these people are very rare in our current society, it’s no surprise that relationship drama is at an all-time high.
As I have been saying for years, high-quality relationships start with your OWN mindsets and belief system.
Relationships become toxic when the relationships is one of low-quality.
There’s nothing special about you or your partner. Therefore, the relationship dies a slow death.
And, there’s no coming back.
Once a low-quality relationship is dead, it is dead for good.
There is no “getting an ex back” or whatever.
Getting something back that’s meant to remain in the past is an impossibility.
However, this isn’t the case with high-quality relationships.
This is because, as I’ve said, people of quality are rare.
These relationships always have the potential to grow because they’re based on growth to begin with.
Drama and fights that happen are quickly solved because it’s silly to fight over petty things.
The more time you spend learning these new mindsets, the more motivation you’ll have to improve and be better.
This is how you be the type of individual that attracts high-quality lovers.
James Dean says
HI… not sure where to post this but a tad confused on what to purchase on this site, and I dont see a master menu. I see the BPD informaiton, a book from 2013 and then the Academy which, if i read it correct does not include the BPD info or the book. Currently on a second devalution and break (a few days old) from a uBPD GF who packed up her shit and left claiming anxiety, “I dont love her” “I am mean” (I was – I was mirroring her grap and tired of it and did an emotion play (yeah, go ahead, say it) .. she as stated a few months prior “your feelings dont matter, only mine do” which to me may be a deal breaker since WTF – I will not be any woman’s stepping stone… BUT today – she is gone, 24 hours. I consider it a nice quiet time, and other woman are asking me out. So, 1) what do you recommend I get on your site? 2) I am not planning on contacting her, but have only blocked her on FB – she can call and text… but I am certainly not anticipating that since she is black/white thinking, with “rules for everyone else” which means the rules never apply to her. 6 years dating. 3 were literal amazing.. and I know I was in control… now, I am a Pussy man making Pussyman mistakes and the last three years have been seeing increased troubles. Final thought – Not sure I want her back, or if she will call… but I am fine waiting and working on me.. which is why this Los Angeles SM age 50 is here. I hope I get an email reply too this question too since I.m not sure I can find this page again.. JD
The BPD book is from this year. I update parts of it all the time to keep it relevant. As for the Academy, it’s more advanced stuff with a ton of podcasts and 6 courses. So you definitely will learn about BPD in the Academy as well as Codependency which is actually a bigger issue!
I am in or think i am in a friendship with a bpd person. (platonic) she went silent treatment on me and its been quite awhile. Is there any moment I should try to engage? She def has the capability of “never” speaking to a person again, and I don’t want that to happen to us. From everything I read on the condition, leaving or enabling this behavior only makes things worse. If i wait for her to engage me, doesn’t that mean she has all the control? Or does it make me look weak in her eyes, like I need her or something? She says she wants to be alone but she will call every now and then or send a text but, has ME blocked so that i can’t. It is so weird!
Yeah that’s weird man. I would say if you only see her as a friend, then it doesn’t hurt to try to contact her and see that she’s doing okay. Other than that, nothing you can really do about her. She needs to deal with her own demons. It’s not your job to do that.