Recovering your life after a BPD relationship can be an extremely difficult time. But I don’t want to focus on the negative here. After all, I like to be jolly and keep things upbeat. Upbeat, I tell ya! So let me bring some positive vibes in this time of healing for you.
I’ve been writing about BPD for several years now. I’ve dated multiple women with BPD and have experienced basically everything that comes with these emotional relationships. And while I did go through a lot of pain, I am more strong and independent than ever before.
And that’s a good thing. A lot of people who get into BPD relationships tend to lack the emotional control needed in relationships. That’s how I was. I let myself get carried away and fall victim to these women who used me, hurt me, cheated on me and so on.
But before we get into the “nitty gritty” of all this, I want you to quickly grab my free “Relationship Death Sentence” mini-ebook. It’s around 10 pages if I recall. Maybe more. It’s short and sweet. Grab it here:
It’s all about the one, big mistake that both men and women make in relationships that drive your partner away. The ebook will be sent to your inbox. Check it out after this article. Thanks!
Recovering Your Sanity After a BPD Relationship
First and foremost, when it comes to recovering from abuse in your BPD relationship, you need to understand that the abuse thrown your way was their choice.
Your partner chose to treat you a certain way. And while you may realize now that you should have behaved and handled it differently, that doesn’t change the fact that you were treated horribly at times. And hey, that just isn’t spankin’ cool, right?
I always tell people when they’re single and alone that they can’t blame themselves for the abuse they received. After all, you were in a relationship with someone who’s emotional levels are of a 12 year old throwing a tantrum.
Victims of abuse often feel like they were the cause for it. But this is not true.
All of us, BPD or not, are responsible for our own choices in life. This means that we’re not responsible for the way others treat us. A lot of people in codependent relationships tend to take on the responsibility of their partner. This is what codependents do.
When you’re dating a crazy girl (or a man because there are definitely plenty of those sociopaths out there), the sooner you stop blaming yourself for the actions of your partner, the quicker you’ll be able to take back control over your emotions.
You might also feel like you’re the crazy one at this point. And these relationships can very much turn normal, stable individuals into crazy ones. I see this happen all the time. This is partly why I believe that all of us are a bit crazy. And that’s okay. Just don’t do anything really stupid like causing harm to someone…
Accept What Happened
The idea with the section above is for you to understand that we all make choices. I believe strongly that life is about making good or bad choices. The more good choices we make in life, the more the math adds up in our favor.
I just make it a goal in my life to make good decisions. That’s all. I put myself first in everything I do. Yes, even in relationships. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s selfish to do this. It’s what you need to do.
In my experience, a lot of women with BPD are attractive, sexy individuals. I have my own theory about why this is, but basically the more attractive you are these days, the more (unwanted) attention you get — and this can result in abuse and traumatic experiences.
Because of this, they don’t really trust men. They test you A LOT and are constantly creating chaos in the relationship. A lot of men aren’t used to this sort of thing and often find themselves beat up and broken from these relationships.
So, it’s easy to blame these women for being illogical and mean and manipulative. But hey, it’s life. When you learn to communicate correctly with these types of women, these relationships really aren’t that difficult to deal with.
What really helped me have some generally fun BPD relationships is learning that my partner is completely out of my control.
Her mood swings and the words she throws at me are part of her nature. I simply taught myself how to have fun with it and make it work.
Now I understand that a lot of people don’t learn what BPD is until after the relationship heads downhill, but either way it’s a great life lesson to get outside of your own bubble and let things be.
To further explain, I am always reading emails and threads and comments on the internet about people who are trying so hard to help their partner change and ‘recover’ or whatever. They think they can just stop a break up with some techniques or whatever.
Or worse, maybe you think you can get your ex back by being nice. It’s a nice thought buddy, but in all my years of coaching men and women about the art of relationships, I’ve never heard of anyone getting an ex back by just being a nicer person.
That just doesn’t create the respect needed to get an ex-lover back into bed with you.
Realize that all of us were dealt our own, unique hand of cards in life. Some of us simply have it better than others. Life isn’t fair. It sucks. So appreciate what you do have and learn to let go of control. Learn to surrender. That’s how you truly become free.
Moving Forward After The Break Up
Emotional from your crazy girlfriend (or boyfriend) is how you move forward. Most of you reading this are a slave to your emotions. This is why you struggle to move forward and let go of the past.
You would rather live in the past than embrace the present moment, which isn’t all that bad when you think about it.
In fact, the present is nice. Right now I am sitting in a Starbucks drinking their dark Reserve Java, while I dodge questions from a new employee who’s trying to survey me on my experience.
My experience of sitting down and drinking coffee and typing on my laptop. I guess it’s a pretty good experience. Can’t complain, right? This moment is nice.
This is what you need to do if you want to be able to pick yourself up and move forward. You can’t cling to the past and let your emotions rule your head. Sitting around wondering why your ex won’t call me back is only making you miserable. This is typical of codependents and why their relationships always fail.
The reason why a lot of BPD relationships fail is because the non-BPD has an idea in their head of how a relationship should be. I’ve coached a lot of people over the years and every single person has their own view on relationships. That’s just how it is.
Succeeding in a BPD relationship is really about fully understanding your partner and where they’re coming from. This is why I personally spend a lot of time getting to know about the women I date.
I ask questions about their past relationships, I ask them about their ex boyfriends, I ask them about their upbringing. I ask all of these questions before we’re even dating!
That’s how important I believe it is to really get to know your partner. That way, you’re not jumping the gun into a situation that’s simply not honest.
Being Authentic and Genuine From The Beginning
Authenticity is key in relationships. Most people put on a front. They’re fake. As a result, you find yourself falling in love. Before you know it, you’re deeply in love with a narcissist.
Eventually the real persona comes out (the one you were supposed to learn about before getting serious) and it sends things downhill.
So for me, I am able to recover quickly because my relationships are all built upon my honest, genuine, authentic self. I’m up front with who I am and I don’t bend my boundaries at all, no matter how attractive this girl is to me.
If she wants to play hard to get, then she can get lost and have fun playing her games in her sandbox with a bunch of other 5 year olds. I don’t have time for that as there are plenty of beautiful women out in the world who are looking for an authentic, masculine man like myself.
I believe that it is always a woman’s loss to reject me and not want to be with me. This mindset is healthy as it is prevents you from feeling like a victim. It helps you develop the abundance mentality, knowing that there are plenty of single women out there for YOU.
To recover your life, you need to start being honest with yourself starting today. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Did you jump into the relationship much quicker than you should have?
Did you not ask the right questions before committing?
Did you spend a lot of time trying to change your partner and steer them on a different course?
Was your partner simply not the person you thought you committed to? (We both know this is true).
Were you ‘feeling in love’ within the first four weeks?
Recovering is all about FORGIVING YOURSELF. Answering these questions will help you be honest to yourself which in effect helps you to recover.
– Rick Reynolds