I have enough relationship experience to know that when you’re a legit, cool individual, you’re going to receive attention and re-engagement from lovers of the past. This is just the reality when you’re consistently forward-moving and improving yourself as I always suggest.
This article is about turning a rebound relationship into something more serious. The reality is that a lot of men and women aren’t on the same page with the people that we meet and hook up with.
Whether it’s a new person you’ve met or a lover from the past, chances are either you or him/her isn’t ready to get into a full-fledged relationship at this time. Maybe you’re still recovering from a relationship or the girl you just hooked up with is on the rebound.
Before we begin the lessons here, I wrote a free mini-guide about the #1 mistake that causes your lover’s to push you away, resent you and ultimately cheat on you. Download it here:
The guide goes really well with the overall lessons you’ll learn here. So check it out after you’re done reading this. It will be sitting in your email inbox.
Anyway, I want to tackle some important concepts here in this article to help you turn your rebound relationship into something that can last longer.
A Rebound Relationship Is Okay
I really believe that a lot of people have these moral issues where they feel bad for hooking up with someone too fast or trying so hard to get into bed and hook up. But this isn’t a bad thing at all and you need to accept that.
I’ve had some amazing one-night stands that I look back on and I’m proud of. I also have other’s where I’m not too proud of lol but that doesn’t mean I’m going to beat myself up for it and feel bad. No way!
it just is what it is. People get attracted to each other, the situation escalates and hook ups happen. As long as you’re smart about it and being safe and not just hooking up with everything that walks, you shouldn’t be feeling regrets.
Sometimes you’ll hook up with someone that’s attractive and cool and has all the qualities you like in a person – then that person disappears and you never hear from him or her again.
You know what? That’s okay. Sure it sucks that things didn’t move further from that but you shouldn’t have regrets and beat yourself up. You had a good night with that individual and accept it for what it is.
Now can additional skills turn a rebound into something better? You bet.
Drop Expectations and Stop Assuming Things
As I mentioned earlier, sometimes an ex will make contact with you. Whether your ex is interested in dating again or just plain hooking up, you’ll get your answer sooner or later.
However, when this does happen you shouldn’t be expecting anything. One of my qualities is that I don’t expect anything whether I’m meeting someone new or talking to an old fling. This is a very high quality attribute to have as a mature individual.
Even when I’ve been dating a girl for months I still don’t have that many expectations. I do have some as the relationship grows obviously but I’m not going to have any for the first few weeks at minimum.
As a mature male, I understand that women especially are emotional and their feelings change all the time. A girl from the past wanting to hook up with me could very well change her feelings about that an hour later.
So because I understand this, I know not to expect anything. I know that I need to simply stick to what I know is attractive and I’ll usually get the girl.
I don’t come into a date expecting to get some sort of hook up. A lot of guys think that by taking a girl out and ‘showing her a good time’ they’re entitled to a late night blowjob or a romantic walk into the bedroom and clothes coming off.
While that may happen, it’s still a fantasy in your head and what you think might happen will 90% of the time end up much differently.
The solution is to drop your expectations. Stop assuming you deserve anything from people. Focus instead on the skills I teach and you’ll get what you want.
Lets Turn A Rebound Relationship Into Something More Serious
So then if you’re not expecting or assuming anything, how do you actually transition from ‘hook up buddy’ to something more real and healthy?
Well, I’m going to give you the male perspective because this is what I do and what I believe is most healthy. However, I will also give advice for my lady readers as well since I love you women dearly.
The key word here is patience and commitment especially if you want the relationship to be healthy.
Refer to my article about commitment and interest. If the only type of commitment you’re getting currently is just a hang and bang, then I hope my tips below can help you transition into more commitment and something serious and healthy.
Men: Don’t ever push a woman into a relationship. If she’s new to the city, on the rebound or simply looking for a fun time, then be that fun time.
Don’t be the guy that’s pushing your girl into something more. If she wants something more, she’ll let you know. Believe me.
Even if she doesn’t ask you what you two are, just go along with it. I’ve dated girls where it was completely obvious we were an item but we never had the relationship talk. And it was great.
Once she drops the relationship talk, then you can go with it and take things to a more serious level.
But whatever you do, don’t be the guy that’s trying to box your girl in. She’ll let you know when she’s ready to take things more serious.
Women: Now for the women, I believe this is really a more serious issue for you. I know women that get completely wrecked because an ex boyfriend comes back and simply wants to use her for sex.
Don’t be this woman!
If you truly don’t want a relationship with your ex and are strong enough to just be hook up friends then go for it.
But for most women, it’s really difficult to do that. You need to make your ex prove himself to you before you let him enter you. If he’s not willing to invest time and effort into seeing you and talking to you for a period of time, then all he wants is to use your body for his pleasure.
Now if you’re rebounding and sleeping around, then you’re most likely not ready for a relationship. Time heals wounds so you’re eventually going to meet a guy that you’re going to want to take things further.
For this guy, you’ll have to use your judgement of his situation. If you’ve been seeing him for awhile, then feel free to drop the relationship type of questions.
If he’s not willing to get in a relationship with you, then it’s up to you to decide whether you want to keep sleeping with him or end things. If he’s not ready to get serious after sleeping with you for awhile, then I guarantee you it will never work out. So you’re best bet is to end things and find a new guy.
If you’re seeing a guy that just comes over, bangs you and then leaves, do you really think he’s going to want to be more with you? I highly doubt it. But go ahead and ask him if he wants to take things to the relationship level.
If he says he’s not ready for a relationship or anything like that, then he’ll never change his mind. So again it’s up to you if you want to end things or continue being his play toy.
You need to be smart about these situations. A guy rebounding is usually not interested in a relationship. So if you actually like the guy, then you need to not offer up your body every single time he comes over. Make him work for it.
If he’s not willing to work for it, then he only wants you for sex.
Again, it’s up to you if you want to be his play toy. So you’ve got to make the decision.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a night of fun sex with another individual. But when you start wanting more, the game changes. My goal with this article is to help you to not get hurt. Drop your expectations and let things evolve over time. Make the right judgment calls and get in or out.
– Rick
P.S. Check out my Better BPD Relationships course if you enjoyed this article. I don’t advertise it often, but it’s all about being a high quality individual that attracts high quality relationships. It will make you the best person you can possibly be on a macro and micro level.
Sharon says
Here’s a complex question for you…if you have had a 3 year relationship with a bpd male (3 breakups…1 month, 5months and 3months all initiated by him. Only the last breakup involving him having a relationship…classic rebound, met her online moved to be with her before even meeting her. That lasted 2 months before she dumped him). Each time he contacted and came back to me wanting to get back together. Is it possible this last time he returned that I am now the rebound? I question this because we are in constant contact through text and when we see each other(it’s kinda a long distance thing at the moment) its just as before. Shopping, eating out, him buying me gifts, going to church together etc. Then when we’re apart I get reminded it’s not a relationship. Any thoughts would be helpful at this point. Thx
Rick says
The problem here is how you approach the long distance. Let me just say that 99% of people can’t handle a long distance relationship because normal people are busy with jobs and doing things in their own city. So you have this going against you big time here. You’re trying to get an average, common man to commit to you into a long distance relationship. That’s just not going to work out in your favor when he’s also having his fun with local girls (since he probably doesn’t really have quality standards). So knowing this, you just need to not take him seriously unless he can show you some real commitment and effort.
beck says
Hi rick, im just separated after 15 years of marriage and ive started seeing a muslim guy who has just separated after eight years. The sexual contact is minimum because of his religion. He takes me to the movies etc. And we enjoy time together, yet hes not serious because he must marry a muslim girl which I definitely am not. I like him so much and admire his physical self control. He stayed overnight yet we did not have sex. I am so muddled and would appreciate a reply via email. Beck
hannah says
Back when I was 19 I had a very complex relationship with my boss and ended up being part of a triangle if you like. He ended his relationship with his long term girlfriend at the time as he had cheated with another of my colleagues (an option that I believe was open to me had I not seen it morally wrong). These 2 ended up together but not without complications at our end as there was a clear connection. We met up a few times and kissed on a couple of occasions over a 6 year period, but in the end mutually and respectfully decided it was best to go our separate ways as it couldn’t continue and neither party wanted his relationship to end (probably for different reasons), i genuinely cared for him and didn’t want him risking something for potentially nothing, they had a home and life together. 3 months ago I received a message from him stating that they’d split up and asking my advice etc. He asked me out, we went to the cinema and it all went from there. I was sceptical as his 10 year relationship had only ended 5/6 weeks earlier and having had a bad break up myself a year ago was scared to be hurt again, or left feeling not good enough. He knew of my hurt, my experiences and my concerns and assured me about each one of them. I guess although typing this up it seems obvious I have been a rebound and very stupid, at the time I was telling myself that he has more respect for me as a friend etc than to treat me that way, I had to trust him. So we spent 2 months together, and it was lovely, my insecurities kicking in here and there but nothing he didnt reassure, then at New Year he explained he wanted to a break as he wanted to get his life together so that he could hive me 100% which he didn’t feel he’d been able to. He has a child, a home with his ex (whom is not my biggest fan). We again left things respectfully and mutually and agreed upon a break. Next day i hear from him asking if im ok and it all goes downhill from there, 1 day in and the rules and lines of the “break” are blurred, 2 weeks in and we go out, discuss our issues etc he tells me hes missed me etc and also that earlier on that day he had told his ex we were seeing one another. I didnt take too kindly to this as i didnt see why he would tell her at this point, when we weren’t. Next day he brings his daughter into my workplace (which is quite out of the way). Each week we are arguing over text etc as this situation has not helped my insecurities, following week we go out, again he’s missed me etc, glad I like going to the cinema as his ex didn’t, we have loads of films to see this year etc etc. We argued again that week and he called it off, but not respectfully in anyway, just almost detached himself from the situation and has made me feel like i could have been anyone. He explained he didn’t want another relationship for at least a year and that was where this was going, he didn’t want to do anything behind my back or cheat as I’d already been hurt that way. Are these just poor excuses to cover the fact that he didn’t hold me in any regard, i was just a weapon against his ex, and a rebound?
Ps. His ex has been seeing someone she has worked with, only I’m not sure he knew this when he initiated conversation with me
Rick says
Look, women will always hold the power. Realize you are the gatekeeper. Quality men understand this. Your ex is just playing power games with you. You need to show him who’s the real boss here. Tell him to leave you alone, never talk to you again, etc. and watch him submit to you.
Chrissy White says
Chrissy im 25 i went to school with this guy last year but at the time we were both in a relationship. His relationship ended as well as mine did. An we hooked up. We were intimate 2 times then he said he couldn’t be there for me emotionally but he was interested. Then finding out he has been going on dates an were still friends. I like him still an i hide it. I don’t want to be hurt again. An now he asked me to be a roommate. But my problem is i still like him an don’t want to ruin our friendship.
Richard S says
He will put you in the friend-zone. Don’t do it.
Ari V says
I’m currently 21 dating 33 male he was with his Baby momma for 10 yrs but she left him for another guy who she is married to now. They have 2 kids but I started dating him 6 months after they separated i know hus family and I hang out with his kids from the begining he asked me to be his girlfriend it’s been a year now bu i feel like he needs time to find himself I get confused and scare to get hurt or that I’m just his rebound we’ve talked about the future but honestly I’m scare this won’t work out at all I mean we get along and we hardly ever fight he asked me to move in but I don’t know it just seems to good to be true.
Rick says
Well you’re only 21 so it’s perfectly okay to just take things slow and see where it leads. Don’t have high expectations. If the relationship doesn’t work out, you have plenty of years to find another man.
Leah says
I dated a guy 2 weeks out of a 2 years relationship. Everything was perfect for an entire month and I had the feeling in my heart he is the one. Now he decided everything moved too fast and needs space and wants to be alone. Do I wait because we both agreed we had something special?
Rick says
I don’t like the whole “wait” mindset. It’s a backwards mentality because you’re sort of living in the past and the future at the same time. You need a shift in your thinking: you should say to yourself, and him actually, that it was fun while it lasted. And if it’s to continue again in the future, great! If not, then no worries. The reason you want to shift your mentality is because if you just get in that “waiting” mindset, you’ll miss out on opportunities to take your life to the next level.
TaintedHeart says
So I’m a girl who’s in love with a girl. I met her 5months ago. We got introduced by a mutual friend online. We got a long right away. We’ve been having long night chats and videocalls. But then I found out that she was still involved with someone. They are long distance too. She told me that their relationship is not working anymore and that they are on the road for a break up. So eventually they did break up. For the past 4months we continued talking. It’s like we do the things that couples do but we don’t have any label. But she assured me that she loves and she wants to be with me someday. But everytime I’m asking her about commitment she keeps saying she’s not ready. On the 5th month things between us suddenly change. She became really distant. We haven’t been talking as much. And then she told me that she’s confused because she’s thinking about her ex. She said she doesn’t want to hurt me so she’d rather keep her distance. She said she loves me but not as much as I love her. It was really painful. I really did love her regardless if we haven’t seen each other yet. We’ve shared a lot of things. The confusing part is sometimes she’s calling me and talking to me, chatting with me. She still say i love you to me. So i don’t know what to do. Because I know she’s still in love with her ex.
Rick says
Yeah that sucks. You unfortunately became her rebound, her backup plan in case the ex that she still has deep feelings for comes back to her. 5 months is a long time of her waiting, but I’ve heard of people getting back with an ex years later. A lot of people have attachment disorder and they struggle to ever move on. It’s an illness.
Wendy C says
I have this friend, we have been talking everyday for five months now. We go to concerts and dinner. One night we had a few drinks, both knew what was happening and we had sex. We still talk everyday, but now it’s not the same. He use to say “good morning everyday”. He broke up with his girlfriend almost a year ago and I know he’s still stuck on her. He has had his opportunity with other girls, but nothing ever came of them. I’m the first person he slept with since his ex and now he’s being distant. What do I do? I do like him a lot, but I don’t how to approach the situation.
Rick says
You really can’t do anything because you can’t change a person’s feelings. I have a rule: never commit to someone who’s still tied up with an ex, or at least still has feelings for one. If a person still has feelings for an ex, even if those feelings are low, it still means that they can’t fully give themselves to you. And a relationship can’t be great if a person is stuck in the past with feelings for an ex.
Therefore, just take a step back. Give him space. Let him come to you. Don’t commit to him at all until the ex is out of the picture completely.
Kriz says
I dated a guy who’s fresh from breakup. We were good friends before we ended up dating together. We were happy and everyone knows our status. One day his ex contacted him saying that she wants him back and felt sorry for everything and with the help of his mother, they got back together. So he left me without saying anything. Few months later they broke up again and we got back hanging together. He felt sorry for what happened between us and he explained why he left me all of the sudden. I felt sorry for what happened between them. We started hanging out again and everything but it felt so weird like every time they broke up or something he keeps going back to me and I keep on taking him back. I don’t want to think that I’m just a booty call or something.
Rick says
This is why I have a simple rule when it comes to dating: never commit to anyone who still has an ex in the background. Sounds like your bf is good at hiding his ex. That’s not good. You need to let him know that you don’t date men who talk to ex girlfriends. So don’t take him back so quickly. Go out with him, but don’t let him sleep with you for a few weeks. If he makes it through these tests, then you can give him another shot.
Vineet says
Thr was a girl who had been in relationship with sum guy 2 years he cheated 2 times throughout still she went abck to her…meanwhile she became good friends always hanging out we had kiss and bed sceces but wanted to keep it secret…I proposed her as she was going through breakup as I saw her open up in front of everyone…she said she needed time and I respected it…she said she wants to be with me and take a slow move towards relationship…she said she wont go bck this time…meanwhile her ex came back and started emotional drama and they had patchup…reason she gave was you are strong you can stay without me he is weak he may do anything ho himself…she left taking to me straight and I said no prblm but atleast take my stand in front of her bf and talk to me dats all I want nothing else as dat guy hates me….That guy is a jerk and he loves her only for sex nothing else….I tried to make her understand but nothing happened…things became worse and now no contact with me….I want her back I need help
Rick says
Sorry bro but you need to learn how to read between the lines. This just takes experience. I’ll help ya. When a woman says “I need time…” this simply means “I’m just not attracted to you enough to date you… I might have sex with you, but I’m not ready to commit to anything yet…” That’s what that means. So, this is when you BACK OFF and give her a loooot of space. You stop talking to her on the phone. You don’t text that often. You let her come to you. And you keep doing that until she’s begging to be your girlfriend.
Austin says
Ive had my eye on this girl for 5 years, yes shes worth the build up… Ive been playing the cool card not trying and she became very interested. I then found out she just got out of a relationship and was thinking crap… The timing sucks fml right now… We started talking for a couple weeks and she realized im very different than all the men. We spent the weekend together and I told her i had a wedding to go to (which i knew was too soon to invite her but i did anyways) everything was awesome, however too much alcohol ensued and we both moved at warp speed. When we went back to life, she met with her ex and he was sad and reached out to me and created a ton of drama. She was of and on with him a year, and is still getting over it. We met for lunch a couple days ago, thats the next day after the drama and i told her the weekend had been fueled by Jameson… We both agreed we went to fast, but now she wants to take it slow, which I agree… And she wants to work from a friendship until shes ready with no garauntees with an us at the end of the tunnel. Heres the possitives… She texts me daily still, i make her laugh, we still kiss, butt she still needs time. Am I wasting my time? Or by being emotionally invested as a friend for her can we become a couple by building a great foundation helping her though a rough patch and seeing im the better choice. Im getting mixed reviews and this is a tough situation because she does really like me… Help a brother out!
Rick says
Well all this means is that she doesn’t find you attractive enough to pull her away from the ex. A girl will keep an ex around if she doesn’t find you as good as her ex. That’s just the truth. You’re her back up plan.
So, the key is to actually STOP talking to her. Tell her that you’re not interested in being friends and she can reach out to you once she gets rid of the ex for good. Ignore any texts/calls and never contact her again until she says the ex is gone for good and wants to see you.
Chances are, she’ll just go back to the ex. That’s good! You want that to happen because it shows that she was just keeping you around for attention.
Vero says
I am in my mid 30’s and I got to know a guy from work a few months ago. Coincidentally, we got to live in a same building. We quickly became good friends and neighbors. He was just out of more than ten years of relationship and still struggling to get over it. I tried to keep the coworker/friend distance until he is ready to move on but in the end we slept together a few times and it was great. He is very caring and respectful but he said he still didn’t feel he is in love with me (although I am pretty much in) and didn’t know why. I feel like if I endure it more and give him some more time to process his past, we two could work out, but on the other hand, I fear that it might be turned out that I would have my time and emotion and got hurt. I talked this to him and we decided not to have sex anymore until his mind is clearer. It’s sad as we both want each other. It’s also very hard for me to resist him or keep more distance as we work at the place and live very closely.
Rick says
You’re not “in love” you’re infatuated. There’s a huge difference. It takes years to actually fall in love. Real love is after you’ve been together for years and despite all your partner’s flaws, you still want to be with that person every day. That’s actual love.
You’re not experiencing that. You’re playing some childish game here, thinking that if you keep sleeping with him, you’ll become “too in love.” This is ridiculous. The reality is that you’re extremely insecure. The fact that you become attached to men in the first place shows that you’re NOT able to just be free and independent. Therefore, you’re NOT able to just enjoy sex/pleasure as it is. So, you rob yourself of fun and pleasure because you’re afraid of becoming “too attached” every time you sleep with him.
It’s ridiculous. It’s completely irrational. If you like sleeping with the guy, then why rob yourself of that pleasure?
Thus why this is an insecurity. You will always have unhealthy, toxic relationships with this attachment personality. You are suffering from classic codependency. There’s nothing wrong with liking the guy and having feelings for him, but you have some maturing/growing up to do. Adults don’t become attached to other humans. Adults are independent and relationships are INTERDEPENDENT. You take care of each other and trust each other, but you’re not dependent on each other.
Anyway, lots to swallow in this comment. I could talk about this all day, but I have several courses about this stuff. Please spend the time to read and learn my material.
Nicole says
So, I’m dating a guy for the past 3 weeks who is 2 months out of a 2 year relationship, which he stated he was completely head over heels for….she dumped him, (apparently an exceptionally cold individual) and he’s still “getting over her”. Now I found this out AFTER we had been together a few times and started to really enjoy his company. Now that I know, I realize that I’m his rebound. Problem is: I think (once he’s healed), he and I would be perfect for each other. I even mentioned to him that I think I’m his rebound and that I do NOT want to get hurt (especially I just started dating in the past few months after a 10year hiatus). I’m giving him his space and allowing him to contact me. How can I change this current rebound into a long term standing relationship? Unfortunately, I had already developed strong feelings for him before I found out I was the rebound.
Nicci
Rick says
You’re falling for the classic mistake of dating someone’s potential. Go read my Deadbeat Loser article, I just posted it recently. There’s nothing you can do other than just take things day by day, don’t try to force a relationship, only sleep with him if YOU feel like it and NOT because you hope it will get him to commit to you. Be smart. Keep reading my articles and you’ll learn the correct mentality.
Jay says
Hello Rick
I am a man and had a relationship with a married friend with 2 children who told me that she was planning to leave her husband for 2 years prior. After 6 months of telling me she loves me multiple times daily and that she wanted to move away from him and spend much more time with me she abruptly broke up with me. I have known my good friend for 10 years and she was telling me how much she loves me up to the day she left me because she needed time to herself and that she can’t be in a relationship now.
Rick says
It’s tough because marriage is simply something I don’t mess with. I never go for women who are married. That’s a dealbreaker for me. Just let her be and do your own thing. Check out my neediness article
Cassandra Natale says
Before I read this I haf no idea it had anything to do with BPD which I have. I got out of a 10 year relationship as did the guy I like now. We slept together once. He cut the sex out because he is still hung up on his ex. I really like him and has been a really nice guy (different than any before). I really want to make this work but dont know how I should act. Especially with me having BPD and him chronic depression and social anxiety. Please help!
Rick says
It’s smart for him to stop sleeping with you. Usually the quicker you sleep with someone, the less likely the relationship will work. This isn’t always the case though. But if you’re looking for a relationship, it’s important to not rebound
Chris H says
I dated a girl who was just out of an emotionally abusive relationship. We had a lot of fun and she was happy and I was happy. After two months, she broke up with me because she needed to rediscover herself and work on relationships with friends and family. I totally agree with this and support her decision. However, is there any chance we could end up together later on down the road? She enjoyed her time and I showed her how she should be cared for and treated. Just isn’t ready for a full relationship yet.
Rick says
Or, she went back to the ex and didn’t want to tell you. I’d bet all my money that’s what happened here. Hence why you shouldn’t date women who are fresh out of relationships. I mean, you can see and sleep together, but don’t take her too seriously. Enjoy your time together, but don’t get attached.
Jess says
I recently got of a relationship in April, and was very emotional and the break up was horrible. We were together for 3years and I helped him with everything and supported him all the time. My ex was seeing someone behind my back and immediately started dating her when we broke up. I starting checking on his social all the time and that really messed with me seeing that they were still together and look happy. After about a month, I went on tinder and hooked up a guy after a couple dates.
We started hanging out more, and most of the time no sex was involved. A month after our first date he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, I love spending time with him, he treats me way better than my ex. The problem is I still think about my ex all the time, not as much when we first broke up, but I still think about him. I miss him. But I don’t want my new relationship to be a rebound.
Another problem is,distance my new boyfriend lives alil ways away and we can only see about once a week.
How can I stop thinking about my ex?
Rick says
It just takes time. It’s now about 5-6 months since the breakup which actually isn’t that long really. Time flies. It’s pretty normal to still feel sad about the break up and to miss the ex. However, you need to be objective about it. Stop letting your emotions get in your way. The reality is that your ex lost interest in you and cheated on you behind your back. Missing a man like this isn’t logical. If you two got back together, he would eventually lose interest and cheat on you again. Both men and women like you suffer from some deep insecurity where you are drawn to someone who isn’t as attracted to you as you are to them. It’s this codependent caretaker attitude you have that makes you want to “help” these people and win them over.
It’s a very serious insecurity issue. I’d call it a mental health issue personally. It’s a sick way to live.