Taking the "Crazy" Out of Your Relationships
I got an email from one of my coaching clients about how difficult it is for him to tell when love is real and when love is a fantasy.
They were dating a person with BPD and everything was great for the first few weeks or so.
No fights, no arguing, no cold behavior. Just warm affection and intimacy every single time they hung out.
It was like this person they met was finally the perfect person they’ve been searching for.
LOL I CAN’T
I thought it would be a good time to take a ‘break’ and write to you about why being single does not suck and how if you use your time wisely, it’s the best time for learning and growing as an individual.
I believe that one of the most common errors we make is when we’re alone and bored, tired of going to bed by ourselves. It’s at these most vulnerable times when our emotions get the best of us and we make, as I like to say, poor choices.
1) Humans are emotional beings. They are what drives us day by day.
2) A weak emotional state can be easily controlled by others.
3) Start to pave your own path in life.
4) Learn to love the most powerful word in the world: NO.
5) Interdependence is key. Dependence leads to suffering.
6) Cut out the toxic people in your life.
7) Forgive the past, drop grudges, and move on with your life.
8) End any attention-seeking behavior you may have.
Emotions suck. Emotions are amazing. Wait… wtf am I getting at?
Oh… emotions are up and down! Duh. And learning how to master and control your emotions is key to enjoying a successful, fulfilling life full of joy and relationships.
I feel like emotional control is one of life’s crucial skills that separates the weak from the strong.
It only makes sense that we keep learning about how to master our emotions.
The skill of gaining control of your emotions is not an easy one. As humans, our emotions do and should play a major role in our lives. For good or for bad is where the skill part becomes important.
Today I had an itch to write about a popular topic: The Fear of Abandonment and my experiences with this in my past BPD relationships that failed.
And my first opinion is that it’s really one of the most confusing things about people to understand. Thinking logically, as most people do, it just doesn’t make sense that someone with these fears of abandonment would push you away when you’re doing everything you can to be a great boyfriend or girlfriend.
So what’s the deal? What’s going on beneath the surface that you’re not seeing or understanding? Obviously the words he or she says isn’t matching up with the actions. So what’s the fear of abandonment really all about?
It’s very common in relationships to find your partner pushing you away for reasons you can’t figure out. Sometimes you may be dating someone that just isn’t very good with communicating issues and would rather hide.
Both situations can lead to toxic relationships and it’s why I wanted to bring you this article today about some beliefs that could be pushing your partner away.
As always, these beliefs may not apply directly to your situation, but they’re still good things to think about and consider. Perhaps your partner has these beliefs as well and is causing issues in the relationship.
In my opinion, if you’re in a serious relationship with someone, it’s never okay to just push someone away and go into hiding without communicating. It’s a major red flag and something I lookout for when I’m in the early stages of dating as it is a good indicator of what’s to come should drama stir up later in the relationship.
It’s been a busy week for me and so I’m a little late bringing you this post. I definitely want to provide you all with more than one article per week so I hope I can free up some time in the future to do this.
With the holidays approaching, it’s no better time to talk about relationship drama. From about October to around April, I notice a large uptick in the amount of relationships people get into. Call it the relationship season if you will.
Then around April or Spring time, people tend to break up. This is personally what I’ve noticed. I seem to believe it’s due to summer traveling and other vacation plans that tend to split people apart as well as the fact that it’s getting warmer and people are doing things.
Relationships are not easy. Anyone that tells you otherwise is full of it. A lot of what we learn growing up and from the general advice out there just isn’t accurate – I know this all too well and it’s why I’ve spent a lot of time teaching myself all of these things here that I write about.
Today I’m bringing you a list of 10 things that I find people waste their time with when it comes to relationships. These are mindsets and mentalities that can really mess things up for you in both life and relationships, in my opinion.
Everyone has their own beliefs and their own idea of what’s right and wrong. These are simply what I’ve found throughout my experiences and coaching hundreds and hundreds of both men and women.
People have been struggling in relationships since the beginning of time, right? Even after thousands of years, men and women continue to struggle figuring out how to date in their current society.
Some people get it pretty well, but most people struggle. I really believe that it just has to do with a lack of real knowledge and experience. Some people get more experience than others, some people spend a lot of time learning and working on themselves.
Then you have others that don’t spend any time on themselves and simply go with the flow and hope for the best. If you’re the type of person that continues to live the same way year after year, then this could be a big reason why you’re not getting the relationship success you wish you could have.
To continue my pattern of lists, here are 7 relationship truths that you need to attach deep within your core and remind yourself how important they are to remember:
Being in a long-term relationship and married to someone with a cluster B disorder such as BPD (borderline personality disorder) can be an immense undertaking, especially if you lack relationship experience.
Relationships in general are a difficult undertaking in this day and age. Add BPD-related issues to the mix and it’s like throwing more gasoline on an out of control blaze.
The good news is that being married to a BPD doesn’t have to be as difficult and confusing as you may currently believe.
[Read more…]
The more time that you spend learning about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and other behavioral relationships, the more you will realize that most people in these relationships suffer from some sort of Codependency issues.
People with BPD are usually very codependent individuals. They seek the same love and affection that codependents seek. But, BPD has other issues that can be much more chaotic than anything you’ll find in a codependent person.
Over the years, I have gotten much better at figuring out the causes of codependency and more importantly, how to smash these problems so you can live a happier, healthier life.
I’ve written a brand new article about mastering and controlling your emotions that takes these lessons to the next level. I highly suggest you read both of these articles!
What’s the number one quality a man or woman like yourself can have? It’s the ability to control yourself under times of pressure and distress.
Why? Because most people are so awful at controlling their emotions that it becomes rare and highly desired to be around someone who can control their emotions.
Dating someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is not an impossible task despite what you often read about on the internet.
A relationship with a Borderline is highly possible (and fun) as long as you understand the key principles needed to make BPD relationships work.
Throughout my many years of coaching men and women, I have found that the BIGGEST cause of BPD relationship failure is when the non-BPD fails to establish boundaries early on.
And by boundaries I mean personal boundaries – actions and behaviors that you know are most likely red flags.
And this isn’t just limited to people with BPD – any type of relationship you involve yourself in will be more successful the more you value and respect yourself.
This post comes from a client that listened to me and learned fast about how to succeed not only in BPD relationships, but in life in general. I love receiving success stories from my clients as they’re great to share with you.
One of the key lessons to learn from this email is how this man took time to really evaluate and learn about himself. Most people are too ego-centric and therefore never learn. Don’t be like this!
Through self-focus and learning more and more about his partner, he learned how he was also a codependent, which he then spent more time studying and learning about himself.
Through all of this work, he has built himself into a much more confident, well-spoken, out-going individual that has broken through his bubble and has learned how to not only truly love others but love himself as well. This results in QUALITY relationships and living. Enjoy!
I have enough relationship experience to know that when you’re a legit, cool individual, you’re going to receive attention and re-engagement from lovers of the past. This is just the reality when you’re consistently forward-moving and improving yourself as I always suggest.
This article is about turning a rebound relationship into something more serious. The reality is that a lot of men and women aren’t on the same page with the people that we meet and hook up with.
Whether it’s a new person you’ve met or a lover from the past, chances are either you or him/her isn’t ready to get into a full-fledged relationship at this time. Maybe you’re still recovering from a relationship or the girl you just hooked up with is on the rebound.
Hello everyone and welcome to Reignite The Fire!
It is 2014 and it has been quite a few weeks since I have last posted an article. I’ve been both busy and lazy this past month but it’s time to end that and get back in the groove.
On the table for 2014:
To continue our series on Toxicity, today I’m going to talk about some signs of a broken relationship, my beliefs on why there are so many of them out there and what you can do to avoid ending up in one altogether.
Divorce rates and broken relationships are at an all-time high because of the fact that most people have toxic beliefs and mentalities. Men are weaker and more passive than ever. Women are This creates a domino effect where women are lost and confused by who they should and shouldn’t date.
While there are men out there like me that understand long-term attraction and relationship success, at least 90% of men and women have no clue. This is why you can’t really blame women for dating ‘assholes’ when the rest of the men around her are weak and passive.
The short and sweet answer: Looks definitely matter.
The long, drawn out answer is that while being naturally attractive is a plus, there’s much more to it when it comes to attracting quality partners and quality relationships.
See that girl to the right? Assuming she’s a quality girl, it’s going to take a lot more than just being blessed with good genes (and being in awesome shape).
I believe that the major battle that people have with themselves is believing that they aren’t good enough – or that they don’t give themselves enough credit.
Maybe you’re naturally codependent and don’t know what to do about it. This article will help.
Got an in-depth email from a coaching client who wants some feedback on his long-distance relationship with a BPD girl. It takes courage to sign up for my coaching as I tend to bring the hard truths.
I thought I would share with you my thoughts in this article because you’ll find it very relevant if you are also in a long-distance relationship.
Borderline women can be quite tough to date these days. But seeing how BPD is basically “mainstream” and found in almost all women, I think you’ll benefit greatly from the information I shared with my client.
You’ll find my comments below in the BLUE text. The client’s comments are the regular black text.
A common question I receive from readers and clients alike is if their most recent girlfriend has BPD. And because I believe that most women in general have Borderline-like traits, the easy answer is YES, lol.
But simply saying YES goes against everything I teach because I do *not* like to generalize and label people. Doing so is lazy and takes the responsibility off of your shoulders. So don’t do it!
Women who have BPD are still unique in their own ways. You need to start focusing on the *behaviors* instead of the actual BPD label. You’ll see how I do this below with my comments.
My comments are added in italics and blue as I go through the email.
“No matter what I do, I just CAN’T get her to LOVE ME the same…”
If that sounds like you, then you’re not alone out there. Countless relationships exist in our society today that are broken and leaving you in pain.
And one of the big reasons for losing your girlfriend’s love is simply because, if you’re a man, you’re not being the dominant, masculine figure you need to be.
And I don’t blame you. Most men (think 95%) have never learned what it means to be a dominant, attractive force of a man that makes the ladies giggle with glee.
You can thank out atrocious society and the media which loves making men appear weak. Nearly every ad you see on TV shows men being weak and stupid.
I wrote a free mini-guide about the biggest mistake of all that men make which causes girlfriend’s to lose love for them. You can grab it right here:
Got the guide? Good. It will show up in your inbox in a minute or two. Check it out after you read this post and I think you’ll be happy with it and how it applies to relationships and winning back your girlfriend’s love.
And I spent many a night in pain after my wife walked out that front door. I can still remember the exact moment and it’s a feeling I never want to feel again (and I know I won’t – I’ve CHANGED for the better and our marriage has been incredible since she came back).
The truth is that anyone WILLING to make changes in their lives CAN receive the love they seek. Your lover wants you to be REAL – and our society has demolished what it means to be a REAL MAN.
I created this website to help men.
But I believe that women can learn a whole lot about us men as well.