Wanting to be happily married to a woman with a cluster B disorder such as BPD (borderline personality disorder), can be an immense undertaking, especially if you lack the understanding of woman in general.
You can read all the BPD information that you want, but it will never prepare you enough for the unique personality that your BPD woman has.
Relationships in general are a difficult undertaking in this day and age. Add BPD-related issues to the mix and it’s like throwing more gasoline into an out of control blaze.
The good news is that being married to a person with BPD doesn’t have to be as difficult and confusing as you may currently believe.
Now I don’t know what your exact situation is like, but I can promise you that the tips I’m going to share in this article should help you see better days in the future.
I also have a free guide that you might like to read. It’s about the #1 mistake men and women make which causes your BPD partner to push you away, resent you and ultimately leave you:
I’ll send you the guide immediately to your email. It’s just got some additional tips and some stories about my experiences you may enjoy reading.
I’ve personally never been married, but I’ve been in several relationships with BPD women. One of my best female friends has BPD as well, so I’ve learned a lot from watching her in relationships over the years.
Rule #1: Relationships Always Require Work
While you may be wishing that marriage was fun, peaceful and great at all times, that’s just simply not the case. Every relationship goes through trouble and conflict. It’s just how it is.
Due to poor relationship mindsets, 90% of all marriages lack intimacy and excitement. Half of these marriages end in divorce while the rest just stay together for other reasons.
It’s definitely an issue in our society that needs work and adjustment. I’m of the belief that ending a marriage is sometimes a better decision than toughing it out especially if you have children involved.
All of what I teach is around the development of good, healthy relationship mindsets. And the healthiest mindset you can have for a marriage is knowing that we all have flaws and no one is perfect – especially your partner.
Nobody is perfect in this world. Throwing around labels such as BPD isn’t helping your situation. Instead of searching for ways to work with your partner, you instead are trying to find ways to work with a condition, such as BPD.
Through all my years of coaching and helping both men and women, focusing on the condition never works.
The key instead is to learn how to adapt yourself to be in a relationship with someone with BPD. This is why I teach mindsets and core development. The more open-minded and knowledgeable you become, the easier it is to be a great partner in a relationship.
Read this article for further training:
- 5 Reasons Why BPD Relationships Fail – the most common mistakes people make in BPD relationships are actually the same type of mistakes most people make.
Rule #2: Knowledge Is Power
Being married to a male or female with BPD absolutely requires that you enrich your mind and be open to new experiences.
What this means is that you need to accept the fact that you may simply not understand your partner as much as you think you do – perhaps you don’t understand him or her at all. This is pretty common from what I see with a lot of my clients.
And that’s okay. I enjoy showing my clients where their mindsets are incorrect and how it’s keeping them from understanding. Once they understand the mindsets, the BPD behavior becomes a lot easier to understand and be in a relationship with.
I commonly get clients that blame their partner and are dead set on believing they’re married to a BPD. But then when they show me their conversations and describe situations, I quickly notice how my client is actually the one making the big mistakes.
Either they lack the correct communication skills, they’re reactive and emotional, they don’t actually listen to what their partner says, they say the wrong things, etc. and it’s actually the client making mistakes that pushes away their partner.
It can be tough to hear this advice but it just is what it is. Most of us have a lot of poor relationship mindsets that actually turn our partner off and make things worse. It’s vital that you correct these asap.
This is why I teach mindsets. Simply studying BPD isn’t enough. You need to learn the correct mindsets so you know how to listen correctly, respond accordingly and not continue with poor habits you aren’t even aware of.
For example, one of the most important skills that you need to master is called Emotional Control. Being a master of your own emotions enables you to control your reactions and respond correctly when shit hits the fan. It can also allow you to influence your partner’s behavior.
It’s extremely important that you stop labeling your partner as a borderline/BPD. Instead, start thinking about it in regards to behavior. Some important things to note:
- Which behaviors are happening on a daily basis?
- Do you know what is causing these behaviors to surface?
- How often do you notice good behaviors?
- Which type of behavior bothers you the most?
I want you to really spend the time to think about these questions. Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything that comes into your head. This is a good exercise to help you bring things to the surface. It will clear your mind and help you think.
Knowledge really is power. There’s a reason the most successful people on the planet have dozens of mentors, attend conferences, read books and more. They know that despite already being successful, they need to continue to learn and grow in order to prosper.
So time the time to learn what you need to learn. Invest your money into books, conferences, programs, etc. You are investing in your future here and educating yourself. This is nothing but positive improvement.
I highly suggest you check out these resources:
- Control and Master Your Emotions – controlling your emotions get you more respect and increase your self-worth. This is key in BPD relationships.
Rule #3: Codependency Makes Things Worse
Your partner won’t stick with you as long as you fail to control your feelings and emotions. Understand that the way you feel is expressed through your body and it shows. This is why you can’t simply mask over a problem with words.
People with BPD already have a lot of difficulty controlling their emotions. But it isn’t your job to control them or tell them how to behave or rescue them from their issues.
They’re going to say a lot of things, they’re going to rage, they will be irrational. So knowing this, instead of trying to stop these things from happening, you just focus on how respond to it. And that’s easy to learn.
When you fail to control your emotions and instead be a reactionary person, it becomes very easy for you to be emotionally destroyed by certain behavior such as:
- Lying / Cheating
- Love You / Hate You
- Physical Aggression
- Extreme Mood Changes
- Absurd Accusations
Codependency and passive behavior go hand in hand. The most unattractive behavior men show in relationships is when they become weak and passive. They fail to stand up for themselves, they fail to be aggressive, they fail to be masculine, they fail to correct a rocking boat.
They only say things that they think she wants to hear. It always backfires. You try to be affectionate and show that you care, but this backfires as well. This is because people don’t want affection – they want love. And affection is not love.
These reasons are why men become weak and constantly live in a state of fear during the relationship. You walk on egg shells because you feel that anything you say will set your partner off.
Well, this is because everything you say isn’t what your partner wants to hear. You’re saying the wrong things, you’re failing at understanding, you don’t listen and your partner knows it. Therefore, she pulls away.
Understand that when you’re doing anything in life with hopes of getting a good reaction, it will always backfire. It’s the same as brown nosing your boss with hopes of getting a promotion, but of course he never gives it to you.
The biggest reason why I’ve been able to succeed in BPD relationship is because I simply speak from my gut. I’m not afraid to say what I want to say. I speak my opinions and I tell it as it is.
But at the same time, I have the correct mindsets and knowledge that allow me to do this. The women I date know I understand and listen to them, so they know my hard feedback is worth listening to and from a place of honesty. I never complain. I just give honest feedback.
Check these articles out for further learning:
- Why Codependency Is Worse Than BPD – it’s 2015 and I now believe that codependency is worse than BPD. This is because codependency causes you to make poor mistakes that only worsen the relationship.
- Dating a Woman with BPD – if you’re looking for more information about dating a woman with BPD, then check this article out.
- The Fear of Abandonment – what exactly is the fear of abandonment? This is my take on it.
Rule #4: Your Behavior Sets The Tone
It’s good you’re hearing looking for help. But you must be looking for the right kind of help. The wrong kind of help will only make things worse for you.
Most people spend their time reading articles about BPD and placing their partner in this BPD box. It’s a very poor mindset because you end of labeling your partner and generalizing him or her.
It’s a way of saying you’re superior to your partner because they have BPD and you don’t. It’s a way of saying that they have problems and are therefore responsible for the failure of the relationship.
It’s such a shit mindset to have because you completely forget that relationship involve two people to succeed. So spending all your time trying to figure out and fix your partner is such a massive sign of disrespect.
It’s really no wonder at all why your partner continues to draw further and further away from you despite all these hours and hours you’ve spent learning about BPD.
So I hope you can see why I focus on teaching you the correct mindsets that are essential for succeeding in relationships. You need to get away from trying to learn about BPD and instead spend time learning how to be the loving, caring partner that you need to be.
If this means you need to completely change your life because you’ve been doing everything wrong forever, then yes – you need to change your entire outlook on life and relationships.
The mindsets I teach develop an attitude and mentality that gives you the skills and the ability to be a great partner with BPD’s.
As you see yourself succeed in these situations, you will continue to gain the confidence and values that will only garner you more and more respect from your partner.
So understand that you probably have had poor relationship mindsets for your entire life. Since you’re 50% of a relationship, simply changing your own mindsets often time is more than enough to turn a relationship around into success.
A Successful Marriage Is About Doing Things DIFFERENTLY
A lot of people think marriage is this blissful step to awesomeness that will only bring you two closer together.
However, 90% of marriages are pretty crummy.
As the science of relationships has proven over and over again, men and women that have control over their emotions, have the right mindsets, have developed the respect and value, and know the skills and habits always succeed – even if they’re dating a Borderline.
Borderline’s desperately want a partner that isn’t afraid to challenge their behavior.
Think of it as a man or woman that is looking for a father figure of sorts. It’s why a lot of BPD women get labeled as women with ‘daddy issues’.
They want you to treat them with this ‘boss daddy’ attitude.
However, it doesn’t mean becoming this caretaker. That is NOT the role you want to take.
Do you really think women are attracted to caretakers? Hell no.
Your passive behavior continues to kill attraction, your failure to show your strong, confidence side kills attraction.
And the fact that you’ve let your partner push you around and treat you poorly shows that you have low self-esteem.
All major attraction killers.
Even in marriage, you must always keep your attractiveness and desirability at a high level.
If you don’t keep this part of you as your #1 priority, your partner begins to grow colder and colder.
If that’s you, then you have a lot to worry about.
As time goes on, your spouse will be less and less attracted to you. It’s a serious problem.
BPD relationships are not easy. I know this.
But they can work.
– Rick
tony says
I just recently found out about this. i married a woman with this and now i found out that she had been talking to other men sending them pictures and telling them that she loves them i have actually talk to one of the other men i love my wife very much and am i upset about it yes she is very good at manipulation and lieing i just want to be able to get her the right help and move past all this i can look past the cheating and everything but the lieing has to stop what should i do
Rick says
BPD or not, there really is NO excuse for your wife to be talking to other men. Please don’t try to throw this as a “BPD thing” when it’s simply not the case — all men and women will seek out new partner’s when they’ve lost attraction for you. This is why it’s crucial that you spend time learning about attractiveness and desire and all that turns women on.
Jan says
You may need to end it. I married a man with BPD and did not know it. For years I put up with mental, physical and vebal abuse and then when he needed something (money) it was flowers, compliments and love. I did not know anything about BPD and I wasted ten years of my life trying to be loving, supporting, etc. I just found out in December 2013 of his cheating. I contacted other women I now suspected and they were honest with me. He is a serial cheater and I was stupid because I trusted him from the day met. I did not grow up in a house where we lied and cheated and abused one another. He did. So I got played good. I am getting divorced. He lies to everyone. Even the pastor at the church he works at saying he did not want a divorce and was sorry. He showed no remorse at all. We were in counseling and it was a smokescreen for him; it was lifeline for me.
If your wife does not go into intense counseling, hands over the phone and computer to you, cuts all contact with the others, shows INTENSE remorse and you both get marriage counseling, I am sorry that your marriage may not survive. You must protect yourself now and keep yourself healthy emotionally and physcially. I wish you luck and I hope you can work it out.
Shannon says
I was married to a BPD for 12 years and been divorce for 13 years and his actions from the past still are talked about in our small town. We have two children a Girl 22 and a boy 18. I see my kids with the same habits he has. My ex had a life with me and the kids and his own that I knew nothing about. The last 13 years of not being married to him, his so called friends have told me so much. Its like living in a lifetime movie. lies after lies. Being his escape goat all the time. The love/hate thing over and over. Beware men have this disease and they will not change till they get lots of help.
Rick says
This is a typical example of mislabeling someone as BPD, which happens all the time. What you’re describing is actually sociopath/psychopath behavior. Way beyond BPD. It’s classic sociopath. And I don’t have any sympathy for sociopathic men because the only thing they care about is themselves and getting everybody on their side. Everything is a game to them, which you have learned the hard way.
BC says
After reading some of your articles, I realize I’ve made a couple of mistakes regarding respect. I’ve been married to a woman for 7 years, who was diagnosed after year 1 with BPD. She wouldn’t acknowledge “being labeled” with that. I’ve been through all kinds of crap, and was ready for the D the very night she saw my disdain and jumped on top of me. We have a 4 year old son as a result. I’m blessed with him, but she has cut off intimacy (sex and otherwise). I made the mistake of backing off and saying that I guess I’d just “put up with your sh*t” and make myself better. I am exercising 5 days a week and losing weight and trying to do better in all aspects of life. But, the lack of sex/intimacy AND an increasing lack of common courtesy (she complains & barks about everything I do, from the smallest to the largest things) are driving me nuts. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Jason says
So, I’ve been married to a woman with BDP for the past 6 years. Only within the past year and a half has her “condition” kicked in. She is big in to the impulsive shit, sexting, lying, cheating, etc….I’ve been dealing with it for over a year now, telling her to pack her bags and get the fuck out next time she does it! Surprise, surprise, it never ends! I really am getting to the end of my rope here, but I love this girl and we have a 3 year old son, dogs, house, debt….all that good shit together. How do you handle the cheating man? I can handel everything else, but that is getting to me! Is there a way to get this under control, or is it something I have to learn to accept?
tom says
I would say stop trying to control her behavior. Instead of telling her to pack her bags, you should leave. The only thing you have control over are your own actions. Firmly establish boundaries and if she continues to cross them it won’t be tolerated. The reason it never ends is because you keep waiting for her behavior to change instead of changing your own and holding her accountable. It sucks. You’ll be sad, angry, frustrated, you’ll feel like you’re going crazy. These are all normal emotions when you’re in a relationship with a woman that is emotionally unstable. But sitting around and waiting for her empathy to mature is like raking leaves on a windy day. She won’t ever love you if she doesn’t respect you and if you do still love her and want her to respect you, you need to change your behavior. Like Rick said, turn a 180. And if you leave and over time you realize life is better of without her you can move on.
Rick says
Or another thing you can do is turn things around. A lot of guys that suffer with toxic relationships in general react to everything and take everything personal. This is wrong. If someone is being negative towards you, it’s up to you to decide that it affects you. So instead of getting pissed and fighting back, you can do what I do and that’s smile or laugh or tell her how cute she looks when she’s mad, etc. Being independent is a different mindset and it helps dramatically in these relationships. Most guys don’t have these mindsets however.
Darius says
Right on Brother
Jan says
It will never stop. You are not good enough for her anymore. She needs the “excitement” and attention the illicit relationship provides. If she shows no remorse for cheating, the marriage is over. Her actions now are more important than her words. My soon to be ex has been untreated BPD for 63 years!!!! The behavior does not get better untreated. Protect your child, your finances and yourself.
JP says
I talk from experience here… if your wife is sexting, cheating then your marriage is already over. You are simply in denial by not accepting it and drawing courage to move on.
And any amount of “that good shit” does not justify as a tradeoff for doing anything which will hurt you and leave you emotionally and mentally impaired for life. What are you still waiting for ? Walking in and finding the woman in bed with another man ?? Is that when you will realise that the woman does not love you and is probably just using you for financial/social benefits ?
You have yourself said that it has been going on for a year. So it is quite clear that the person is not going to change.
You see, this is how these people work. Once you catch them lying/cheating they don’t stop doing it. They just become more careful in the future that they don’t get caught.
Your post is over a year old so as I respond here I sincerely hope that things worked out for you and you did not end up a mental wreck because of an abusive relationship.
Rick says
This is why the first time you ever catch your partner doing something, you need to seriously consider leaving them. Feel free to start a fight over this. Like if I caught my girlfriend sexting some other guy, I would break up with her immediately. And then I wouldn’t speak to her until she’s begging for me to take her back. Only then will I know that I’ve gotten my message across. Thanks for comment!
LD says
Hey Rick, Love all the articles and your book, gave me a new view point on things. I am probably one of the few you will ever hear from that has been in a real long-term relationship with someone with behavioral issues. I too don’t really like any labels but when talking to anyone in the medical field it helps say so many things very quickly. As far as talking to the average Joe, no, it’s not a good way to describe your situation.
To the point, I have seen it all, experienced it all as far as living such a life. Yes, forget it if you have heavy ego. Forget it if you are selfish. Short term maybe, but long-term no; you will leave, sooner or later. They’ll drive you away. But maybe then you are the lucky one. Have some fun and run.
To remain is to put you with a lot of baggage but live is always interesting.
My thoughts…
Devotion to the person, care, love; be a lover, be a partner, be a friend and be a parent. This is what they truly want and need.
Be on top of them, monitor, manage but with love and goals of growth as persons and building their self image. This doesn’t mean they won’t take advantage of situations when an opportunity arises or they feel that you are not giving them attention. Like kids they will test, defy, take a mile, manipulate and deceive. Control is a key. Tough is good but love and compassion is paramount.
Short-term, you can play the tough guy or weak guy; both will get you some good and some bad results.
Long-term, you must approach it the way I said. But something I am still learning after 30 years is that don’t ever fully let your guard down.
I have been cheated on 3 times (as far as I can tell) in the 30 years. No real long term think, just out-cries of sort.
Why bother? Good question? Love? Is it enough? Challenge? Is it worth it?
Another thing, please forget the “don’t let it bother you” crap. It will never work if you are any kind of person period. It will only work if you are not committed to a life with the person. To build a life, it takes trust; trust requires that you get affected by acts of mistrust. This includes all of crap thrown at you by such personalities. It will bother you. Go ahead and make your self believe it doesn’t. That’s a mask. Remember, you are who you are for many reasons. Remember, you were, captured by them because they saw something in you the makes it ideal for them. They saw the real you; when you deny yourself the real you, your body and soul will always take a beating over time. Besides, you deny yourself the right to be you for ONE other person and it’s NOT for GOD. Shame! That’s not worth it. That alone is for selfish reasons of lust or challenge as you say.
Please don’t take anything I say too hard. These are just some of my thoughts; I have many others.
Rick says
I appreciate the comment and you lay out some truths for the long-term relationship. People in general cheat, not just BPD’s. So if you get cheated on 3 times in 30 years, that’s actually pretty good in my opinion. But it still can be too much for most people and can break a relationship. I really hope guys understand that people simply cheat even in marriage. If you’re marrying someone with BPD, expect to be cheated on.
Brenda says
I have BPD, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9years. It has been a struggle for him, I do feel bad at times for what I have put him through. I have cheated on him at least 15 times in the last 9 years. I can’t stand being alone, and I always seeking acceptance and approval of others. It sucks because when things are happening, I don’t realize it, I don’t do anything to stop it and then afterwards i feel like OH S***! But I don’t stop talking to the other guy, in fact because we had sex it turns into a second or third relationship and they don’t know about each other. CRAZY I do understand that, but at the same time it sucks I do feel bad for what I have done to my partner of 9 years. My impulsiveness and need to make others like me really has been out of control. My thing is I love having male friends. I try to make them mutual friends. They know I am in a relationship, I had thought that it would be all good. Then comes text or emails from them that are cute or funny, replies are along the same content. Next thing I know Im secretly meeting up with them, and the relationship will last anywhere from 3months to 8months depending on what they are willing to deal with. The entire time I have my boyfriend of 9years who I am involved with. I don’t know that I can ever be faithful, no matter how hard I have tried to be it never last long, I feel horrible about myself, I am ashamed of my actions but like an addict I still do it over and over thinking something will be different. I have been through therapy, I have manipulated my counselors, over and over again. The fact that I am like this in reality makes me sick. I think about all I have done to him and I would never tolerate such behavior. I love him and I hate him. My heart is constantly in turmoil. The fact that there is no magic cure for this cruel mental illness makes it so hard. I know each person living with bpd has different degree of it. What i don’t understand is how I was faithful to the guy I dated previous to my current boyfriend. 2 years I was with him, never once did i think about cheating, not once did I want anyone else. When that relationship ended I jumped into the one I am in now, and haven’t been able to speak up and tell other men no. I am so disgusted with myself.
For those of you who are involved with BPD partner, I wish you the best of luck. I don’t know how my partner has stayed with me for 9 years, and I know that the relationship is unhealthy for him. He tells me to tell him to leave and he will, but no matter how much I hate him at times, I don’t want him to leave, and the truth to that reason is that I’m terrified of being alone. He for whatever reason has put up with all I have done and is still here and will stay here with me, arguing, yelling, fighting what ever it be but he is still here.
Jan says
What a horrible life you are providing for this person. Your cheating could cost him his life. I hope you are in some kind of treatment. Your BF sounds like he is insecure because a normal healthy man would have tossed you out so you could be with your cheaters.
Throwaway says
And this is why you get away from borderlines. Always the victim and poor me. They ruin people and then expect sympathy. Complete and utter life and soul killers. RUN
Rick says
You just need to learn the game when it comes to crazies, lol. It’s really not that different from dating “normal” people. It just requires irradicating all of your neediness. Most people are WAY too needy for borderlines which is why only veterans of the game/ex-players tend to do well in relationships with borderlines.
bathsheba says
this really hits home for me. i’ve only recently come to terms with my bpd (undiagnosed, though its been suggested and i’ve got common comorbid issues), and the real impetus for change was when the man i love broke up with me after a string of terrible fights in which i was essentially out of control, lashing out and inward and unable to cope with some external stresses on the relationship. (won’t get into those here, but the external stress was neither his nor my ‘fault’).
anyways, it took his taking a hard line with me with no chance of persuading him to come back to me that forced me to look at my own behaviors. interestingly, i started much of the recovery work (mindfulness meditation, assertiveness training, etc) before i really even had pinpointed bpd as the underlying issue.
fast-forward half a year and we’re now slowly exploring the potential for a relationship again. its clear he truly loves me, but is also protective of himself and not willing to go all in when its not clear it will be a good thing for either one of us.
this contrasts with every other relationship i’ve ever had (which, consistent with the personality, have been numerous, unstable, often intensely passionate, and lacking resolution even well after they ended), which basically fall into two camps.
the unattainable, in which i throw myself at someone who is never going to reciprocate my feelings but will gladly maintain a physical relationship with me, or the unconditional acceptance, essentially the reverse of the former. in both cases, i avoid real intimacy, but the guilt of being in the latter type of relationship makes me leave those more quickly and decisively, often chasing after someone who will simply do the very same thing to me.
it seems so obvious in retrospect, but i am largely blind to this pattern as it plays out. and of course, the interplay between a fear of intimacy and a fear of abandonment, insecurity and seduction, are deep and complex issues that will take more than just a loving partner with healthy boundaries to disentangle and deactivate. but what it does do is help me to trust, take responsibility for my actions, and puts a brake on the reactivity which decreases the chances of my emotions spiraling out of control.
so i appreciate your points here, and hope that those of you in relationships with someone with bpd can navigate with compassion towards your partner, and respect of your own boundaries. you’ll be doing them a great service in doing so.
George says
Nobody with self respect would put up with lieing and cheating, those qualities don’t even make a good friend. Leave you deserve better. To stay will be death by borderline.
Rick says
Right and I agree. Hence why it’s important to have options and the power of choice. But it’s harder to leave a marriage than other relationships. It’s always a tough situation. At the end of the day, you’ve got to do what’s right for you and you only.
Jan says
George is correct.
Crystal says
I dated a man with this illness off and on for about a year. When it was good it was perfect, but when it was bad it was hell on earth. He took care of me and my kids unlike anyone else, we didn’t want for anything. Then he would twist off and he even hit me in front of my children. He said he was taking prescription pills and that he was not like this when he is clean. He is now in jail because he and a friend got into a fight and he got arrested. He still wants to marry me and seems sincere, my children actually miss him a lot….I do too, I’m really confused…..
natasha says
Hi Rick, where can I purchase this book. I love my husband of 10 years very much but i often feel alone and that he doesnt love me. He does i just feel like he doesn’t. I have cheated a couple of times i have never slept with anyone but have kissed someone and have been on dating sites and have arranged to meet men for sex only to chicken out later thank god. basically i dont want to lose my husband or hurt him any more
Rick says
I believe that everyone goes through temptations periods like you’ve experienced. In all honesty, kissing isn’t a big deal so don’t feel down on yourself. If you’ve lost attractiveness for your husband, then I can understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. Perhaps your husband is the one that needs my new book Toxicity because his attractiveness is low in your eyes.
Clay says
What if a wife suddenly leaves and is posting pics all hot and guys are now coming out of the woodwork saying she is gorgeous???? I have a whole slew of new numbers from her showing up in our phone bill. Is she trying to make me jelous? or is she actively seeking a thrill. She will aggressively deny cheating when asked, but if you ask to clarify new numbers or facebooking till 3am everyday the fight is on.
Rick says
Haha just pretend you don’t notice. She’s obviously seeking attention so give her even less. If she wants to go slut it up, then dump her before she gets the upper hand.
MJ says
They do it on purpose to make you feel bad for giving up (frantic attempt to get you back in their mind). But they will actually accidentally go to far, because they are already emotional from the break up and will give in impulsively to sex, even if they know better and originally intended to get your attention back by showing she is so desirable to others. It’s more automatic manipulation and they don’t even realize.
chris miller says
Rick I have been in and out with a alcoholic bpd for 8 years! We were married for 1 year. Everything I read on your site it 100% correct. I know that I have codependent issues, but the difference is I am a strong alpha male. She has never left me it is always me throwing her out. She gets drunk hits me and I send her packing. She says all the time how much she loves me and respects me knows how good I am for her, but won’t give up the booze. We have been apart for 2 months now and I am really missing her! I know she has a new boyfriend as she has announced that to my best friend. What should I do in this situation?
Rick says
Thank the heavens that she left because dating a drunk is very annoying.
MJ says
Your lucky she only hit you when drunk. Usually it happens for them being drunk on just their negative thoughts and emotions. Take her getting notice from another man, as a blessing.
Rick says
Yeah and as I’ve been saying since forever, there’s no excuse for any type of physical abuse. That is an automatic OUT. They are done. Cut that person out of your life and move on.
Jeremiah says
I could really use some advice. I’m not sure what to do, or whether I really want her back at this point. I can’t spare money for the book right at the moment, financial issues for a while.
It started out so good. She said I was always fun to be around and I felt the same about her, but I developed performance anxiety due to the way she was treating me and things started going downhill. Even after these issues came along, we both still really enjoyed each others company.
It started resolving itself as I kept telling her she had to be nice to me to be attractive and it slowly sank in sort of. Our last week together she was way nice and I was actually able to have sex with her, but she got mad at me for not being “perfect” in bed(after a month without sex I didn’t last long, normally I do). She was understanding 4 a while but later that day we ended up arguing about it and she kept yelling at me and for the first time I kicked her out of my house. She has kicked me out of hers many times.
She had previously told me about a one night stand thing with this guy that she got into during a short break up of ours b4 we got back together again and she started being nice again, basically saying that it had been unfulfilling bc there was no connection like we had and the guy was a “douchebag”(her words) and insisting she only did it bc she “needed” sex(it’s what’s real for her though).
But, my kicking her out and not talking to her for 2 weeks waiting for her to right herself and cool off may have been ill-timed I may have f**ked up in this particular context as I think it drove her back to him and I’m pretty sure they have moved in together(I deduced this, she hasn’t exactly told me anything), but I don’t think it will last bc she said he wasn’t a good potential bf and she is usually right about people and I’m pretty sure she just picked up with him where she left off with me(people who go from one relationship to another you can’t truly connect if you can’t truly disconnect, so it’s like transferring and projecting it over onto the new person. she probably thinks she likes him as much as she actually liked me…)
All I can say is I love her and have hope for her potential bc although I have dated two other possible BPDs she is the only one who is aware of her behavior and I actually see her at least try hard to change it and at least she is honest about things though it doesn’t make it easier all the time. Sorry its so long
anon says
Dude, if she treats you so bad that your normal physical functions are no longer functioning… hmmm. There’s your sign to move on. If u want to stay, then buy one of those massage devices to finish the job if needed. They need constant attention and praise and to be pleased, or they will only resent and attack (ie mentally torture) you more. Even though they hardly give you any of that stuff themselves. It’s only about their needs and wants, there is no room for worrying or thinking about those for others.
pat says
Sounds like most modern woman in decadent America, maybe our only choices left are to go to another country / culture, or time machine to our grandmothers era !! Bunch of crap when a man has to jump so many hurdles in a life or death coliseum just to maintain a relationship which people in the past did many times without question. You will say “oh people really were not happy then” and I say, are they happy now? At least they were responsible to each other and family and they ” manned up” What do we have now a lot of self guessing, no balls, trapped in an English garden / maze that you can’t get out of, pumping therapist and shrinks in a hundred billion $ industry and unlike other medical professions can’t cure a damn thing any more than a witch doctor in Congo (who can probably do more for you), It’s a changing world revolving around money and what can you do for me , sacrifice has been dropped from Webster’s. A lot of BPD is enabled immaturity being able to get away with what they do by the elimination of religious impact in society and the new family court protocol.
Rick says
There’s a reason why most people with BPD are left-wing. The left encourages enabled immaturity. Adult-children as I call them. Entitlements and handouts. No reason to grow up and be responsible with left wing policies. This sort of mentality causes people to become BPD. I agree with a lot of what you said here. Women would rather date a deadbeat loser who has an Instagram following than a normal, stable guy who wants a fun, simple life with no drama.
Mona says
Well I’m a woman married to someone who exhibits the signs of BPD. Very charming , outgoing, can be extremely generous and caring. On the flip side very prone to bursts of anger over a towel not being placed correctly.
My issue anytime I voice the minimum request for dialogue nicely he takes a fit he’s too busy his empire is crumbling this is why he doesn’t want me around. If I bring up examples of his actions that demonstrate commitment. His rage turns to I’m unappreciative of his efforts his commitment and list of actions of how hard he’s tried.
Constant get out of my life then actions that to outsiders are seen as in love.
How to deal? Like you guys the charm the niceness keeps you in thinking if only you could behave a certain way to make it like it was .
Rick says
The way you deal with an asshole is you don’t give them respect back. So they tell you to get out, you get out lol. Just go inside and do your own thing or leave for a bit, go hang out with friends or whatever. When he comes around asking for you or where you are or for sex or whatever, simply tell him ‘no, you don’t want me in your life remember so you can’t have me’ and hold strong. Make him beg for mercy.
Jan says
Rick you are correct. The male BPD’s are charming and will “woo” you until they get what they want. My soon to be ex did this and got money from me and then wanted things from the house. When I found out the truth, that ended instantly. No more money, no nothing. He can get money from the POS he is cheating with.
But the thing is this BPD lost the only one who cared and loved him. He has alienated his kids, sister and family. He does not have any true friends. I really was the only true friend he ever had. He is untreated and 65 years old and his behaviour is the most volatile right now than I have ever seen. I have no further contact. I love the silence.
Rick says
Yup it’s true that age makes no difference. As long as they hold on to their crazy behavior and make no attempts to truly change, they’re doomed for life (as are all of us).
Sublte says
I’m a woman in a relationship with a BPD male who is very jealous and insecure. What does he need to make this relationship work?
Rick says
I’ve read all of your comments and I’ll respond what you need to do. While I do think words are weak at times, you still need to use them when the going gets tough. Your BF obviously has issues that are much bigger than you and the relationship. Because of this, he gets jealous and insecure and rages. While it bugs me that you stick around with such a low quality man, I will still try to help you. You need to give him a harder time. You need to tell him to stop being such an insecure little bitch. Tell him that this isn’t junior high anymore and you can talk to whomever you wish. If he gets jealous, it’s his own problem. Just keep getting on his case for these issues, he needs to let go of his issues, you need to try to get them to surface. If you can, try to figure out why he gets jealous. Past relationship? Cheated on multiple times? Probably something from the past. Then he needs to let it go. It’s a big issue hence why the new BPD book deals with this greatly.
Sylvia says
Hey, what do you have to say about bpd men? I´m in a relatioship with one for 5 years now, and now we are supposed to get married.. I´m not pretty sure.. I´m actually quite good at estabilishing limits and avoiding his abuse, putting him in his place, but I’m kinda tired of it. The attempts are frequent. Tired of having to explain and convince him the obvious sometimes.. I don’t know.. can you help me? He’s actually a great guy and has evolved a lot, but just not enough i think, or maybe i should leave..
Rick says
Yea this is always tough because you simply don’t know what will happen down the road. If you think he’ll continue to evolve and change for the better, then go for it. If you have doubts in your gut, then I suggest that you leave. Leaving may also motivate him to work harder and fixing himself.
Steve says
As somebody who is married to a BPD woman for 9 years, I can tell you from experience that things get worse after marriage. What I learned from several books (and experienced first-hand) is that the BPD feels like you are now “attained” and they have more freedom to act out. Also, when you are married, it becomes more difficult to enforce limits (especially when there are kids involved). If I knew that my wife had BPD 9 years ago and understood what life would be like, I would not have married her. It hurts me to say that about my wife, but it is the truth.
Rick says
Hey Steve, yes this is true because of commitment. Commitment is a big topic I talk about. The short version is that marriage is really just not something I recommend in today’s society and the quicker you are to commit, the quicker things can fail. Thanks for the comment!
alisha says
I have been with, what I think now is a BPD man an just had baby for 2 years, only to find that he is married living with her and was with 3 other women as far as I know, and she knew about the women to where they would come to the house, as did I, which is why I didn’t know!! We were so perfect, an felt like soul mates an planned a baby but I knew something was not rite! I would get mad n leave because of the lies, cancelling on planned things but stay cause I was told so much about HOW HE HAS BEEN THE VICTIM and I did not want to victimize him just cause of broken promises! Well it came time to move in cause we were engaged, everything CAME OUT! His daughter whom I met never even mentioned the wife, her mother! I have left more times then I can count, maybe twice a week but he pushes sooooo hard for me to stay don’t leave, he needs me, im his everything! I have contacted all the women, WHO I FOUND ARE ALL PUSH OVERS! When I put him out, he is either with one or ALL of them, to fill that void I believe and even with proof, that I know, or they tell me or show screenshots if conversation, HE WILL LIES TO THE DEATH! He tries to get me back by mentioning suicide, or moving to another state, an really tries to do the reverse psychology! I am the only one that doesn’t put up with his mess, puts him out, stubborn, don’t give in, AN I DO BELIEVE HE IS DEEPLY INLOVE WITH ME! He say its been over with his wife for years, an now I believe it’s because she is weak, she begs, she took it for 8 years, WHICH I REFUSE TO DO!
Now, he has made it a lil easy now I see from your article! He has told me, I have abandonment issues, child hood trauma, I need to be chastised, tell me u want me home, you think sombody is calling my phone, ANSWER! I feel he likes the drama! Bein caught is a thrill even in sex acts! When it comes to the wife filing for divorce, he somewhat fights it! He say its was only for his daughter, she is the only reason! With all the women, it was a AGENDA! He used sex to get what he wants! But that can’t be the case with me, cause I have nothin for him to use me for! The wife is in desperation an refuses to let go and fight but uses divorce to get him to come back, but he has told her its completely over and is deeply in love with me! He feels in his hart he has done nothin wrong! An pours his hart out to me about im his everything, he can’t live without me and HE NEEDS ME AN CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT ME! Which now I think ITS THE THRILL OF CHASING ME TRYIN TO WIN MY LOVE BACK! Wen I give in, things calm down! He has RAGED maybe once at the fear of me leaving! I demand respect, set boundries, an run a tight ship just like I do with my kids, an I see a lot of kid tendencies in him! But I knew something was not rite, to just lie, manipulate, hide, keep secrets for so long an really believe you have done nothig wrong, U EITHER HAVE BPD OR IS COMPLETELY HEARTLESS!
My question is will he divorce, stop communication with the other women, is he truly inlove with just me, am I on the rite track is why he fights so hard not to loose me????? If this is what he has, it is a very selfish DISORDER, things is, am I strong enuff to live with it!? Because the marriage thing was enough for me, yes there us a baby im in love with him deeply, but its not healthy cause there is AIDS out there n i don’t share no man, but he is willing a tries very hard so he say to do rite! Hearing about BPD must be a struggle for him…….MENTAL HEALTH IS ALSO MY PROFESSION! Please help…
Rick says
I appreciate you being brave and submitting your story, but it’s just too difficult to coach you through my comments section, lol. Contact me directly and we can set up some coaching. Thanks!
Caseyjane says
Hello, I have recently found out I have BPD I did all the lies and had sex with women but he knew, after some suicidal thoughts I was admitted and medicated. My finace still wants to marry me, but now I am not sure. any advice for me?
Rick says
Yea I mean feel free to email for more personal thoughts but it’s really how you feel about this. I always tell people to look at the individual (you) and not the diagnosis (bpd). So if you really feel that you see yourself long-term with your fiance, then marry him. If there’s a lot of doubt, then don’t get him committed like that.
Chrissie says
I have BPD, I am currently having dialectic therapy, I have to say, I have never ever cheated on my husband of 7 years, yes he puts up with a lot, and he cheated on me, with an emotional affair with some stupid arse skank he met on line, it almost destroyed me, though we are working at our marriage, and he now understands things a lot better, I would try and state that some of us are generally nice loyal people that have been given reasons to be like this, I find it very difficult that everyone seems to think we are all lying cheats ! Please don’t judge us all the same way, we just want stability !
Rick says
I don’t say anywhere on my site that all BPD’s cheat. In fact, most BPD’s that I’ve known and dated over the years didn’t cheat. So I don’t want you thinking that I believe this and teach it as truth – I don’t. I hate the word BPD because it is such a general judgment that people throw around, hence why I always teach to focus on the individual and not the disorder :)
Rob says
So I have been married to my wife for 8 years now. We have a 5 year old daughter. My wife just recently got pregnant again. After 4 weeks of being pregnant she cheated on me for the 2nd time that I know of. She shows remorse and after a long conversation she told me the truth of the affair. She says she loves me and cannot control her impulsiveness. I love her too but I don’t want to keep getting hurt. She is currently seeing therapists and starting DBT sessions to take control of the disorder. I really just want to end the marriage but with her being pregnant I probably won’t have any kind of relationship with the new child. I live overseas and if we divorce than she will move back to the states half a world away. I can see myself working on this relationship but I don’t want to invest anymore of my life into making this marriage work just to be cheated on again. Any advice or suggestions? What do you guys think?
Rick says
I think all that DBT and therapy is just a cover for her actions. I’ve known many BPD’s that don’t cheat. Cheating is and always will be a choice at the end of the day. It’s not just something that ‘happens’ no matter how many disorders you have. Do you both live overseas or are you guys separated by an ocean for a considerable time?
Rob says
Rick, we both live overseas together. We don’t spend anytime away from each other except for going to work. I’ve caught her several times sending nude pictures to different people however that hasn’t occurred in a few years. Also as I said before this isn’t the first time this has happened. The first time she actually loved the guy and this time was just a one night stand type of affair. This is such a difficult situation to be in and I don’t want to stay married just for the sake of the unborn child.
Brittany says
Well, you’re right and you’re wrong. I was diagnosed with BPD at 16 years old. I am 3 days away from turning 27 and I can say that some of us actually do get better but it isn’t with therapy and drugs or someone holding our hand through everything. For me, it took a big wake up call and a lot of self discipline. I was in a relationship with my ex from the time I was 17 until the time I was 24. I dealt with physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse as well as constant abandonment because his drug use was more important than anything else. For the first year, I was faithful. I got pregnant with our daughter shortly after I turned 18. My main concern was trying to fix him while maintaining my own mental health so we could be a family. Well, I couldn’t fix him and in return my mental health suffered. I left him for the first time when my daughter was about 6 months old. This happened a few times over the next few years. I would always find someone else that made me feel like I was worth something, I’d leave him and then I’d go back. I guess I technically wasn’t cheating because I would always leave before I became involved with another guy, but it felt like I was cheating because I was still emotionally attached to him. We had another child when I was 21 and things got worse/better from there. This kind if sounds strange, but the more pain I felt, the more drive I had to get better. I stopped cutting. I stopped self medicating. I was still a train wreck inside, but I was doing a lot better. When I was 24, I left for good. It wasn’t easy, but I trained myself to think rationally and that helped. A few months before turning 25, I met my husband. Before meeting him, I got my shit together. I was okay with being single. I was looking at the long term finally instead of short term. I wanted to find someone to spend the rest of my life with and to be a good father figure to my children (seeing as how their sperm donor wasn’t doing much of anything). Throughout our relationships, I have had some hiccups. He was there for me but he didn’t baby me. He didn’t just put up with my bullshit and that helped a lot. There was one time during an “episode” as I call them that I was terrified I was going to lose him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I refused to allow some disorder to take him away. So, I learned how to stop the episodes before they even happened. Now on to the cheating. You said that you can “expect to be cheated on”. That’s not always true. I have been 100% faithful to my husband since the day we started dating. I haven’t even thought about being with someone else. There have been no questionable texts or Facebook messages. Do I have guy friends?? Yes. I do. And they are just that. Friends. They have never crossed any lines and that’s why they continue to be my friends. My husband has made me a better person and it’s because he actually helped me get better instead of sitting back and letting my disorder run the show. Our son was born on July 31, 2014. He was born at 26 weeks gestation and is still in the hospital. Even through the stress of that, I have still managed to remain healthy and that’s because I have a strong man to help me. When I fall, he doesn’t pick me up and carry me. He grands me by the hand, forces me to get up and then makes me stand on my own 2 feet. So, you were definitely right when you said that a weak man will never get through to us. I can honestly say the only issues I have now is trying to make peace with the ugly last I have as well as trying to come to terms with the fact that my husband had other relationships before me. It’s a little weird. I know. I’m working through it quietly. I don’t feel the need to cry to him about something I can’t understand or that he can’t so anything about. For some reason, just knowing that he loves someone else before me hurts. But my point is, BPDs can get better, but they have to want to.
Rick says
Thanks for the comment Brittany! Your comment is great. But I do want to point out that I never said you can expect to be cheated on. That phrase isn’t even in the article, lol. I only use the word cheating once. Now onto your comment, you can’t really fix people. A person needs to motivate themselves to want to be better and a person like your husband motivates you to want to be your best self – just as I’m sure you motivate your husband to be his best self as well. So my article isn’t intended to put down BPD’s. In fact, it sounds like to me that your first husband had many deeper problems than you have ever had. I would label him as the disturbed one. You sound like you’re on the right path here so thanks for contributing and I hope people will read your comment and see that BPD’s are very capable of being loved. They just need a partner that won’t let the disorder run the show like you said :)
Vin says
I like your article and you seem to be knowledgeable, but there are some inconsistencies in your replies. Most notably in this one. You did say in a reply this:
“Rick says
03/10/2013 at 5:58 pm
…If you’re marrying someone with BPD, expect to be cheated on.”
Rick says
That’s from 2013 lol. We’ve come a long way :)
enya says
Lol.. I like this reply. Every one grows. Rick I just want to say hi from Nigeria. Even though I do not agree with everything you write, the ones I do agree with have already been of practical value in my life. I’m dating a bpd man long distance. He’s Dutch and through the first 4 months i was in a haze. Im a very beautiful girl, young and highly educated but all these went out the door when I started dating this man. Ling story short the first day I read your articles about self respect, values and boundaries, things immediately started getting better and not just in my relationship but in my general relations with others. I plan to buy your blue print book and will post regarding the results. Thank you.
pete says
Brenda. Id like to talk to you if possible.
Pete says
I was married for 13 years when my wife got diagnosed with bpd. She had been treated for the previous 3 with post traumatic stress disorder. When I learned about bod everything was explained. The splitting – all day I’m an arse hole etc and I decide I’ll sleep on the couch and as I’m going to bed she approaches in the nude wanting sex. When I hesitate I get accused of having an affair. As if. I’m working full time doing all the housework taking kids to school and all their after school activities as well as all the shopping. Reckless spending – I get home from work and find she has spent $40000 on a real estate scheme. A $25000 credit card bill with nothing to show for it. Thousands of dollars constantly wasted on shit. In the end we sell the family home to pay off debts Never sticking at anything – the courses she started but never Finished. The jobs she started only to quit. Black and White thinking- we had 3 eons and an eldest daughter. The fights on a daily basis with them was unbelievable. I’d get home from work and be the arse hole if I didn’t sort out the fights she had started. Self harm was the worst. When she started that it was awful sticking scissors in her arms and legs overdosing on prescription medication and panadol and booze. Having to hide the booze from her
my mistake was staying as I knew she would not cope. I should have seen a lawyer and kicked her out the home earlier
The kids all live with me now. She is fighting for custody but the courts won’t give her sleepovers. In the past 12 months she has spent 5 weeks in gaol and has been an involuntary psych patient 9 timee
Rick says
Damn dude that is an intense relationship. I’m sorry you had to experience all of that :( As easy as it is to just blame this on BPD, I guarantee you there is much more serious issues going on with her. I’ve met many BPD’s that don’t do any of those behaviors you described. But yet, BPD is definitely one of her problems along with many others. Thanks for the comment Pete and I hope everything works out for ya. Let me know if you need anything!
Pete says
Thanks for your post man. You may be right.
I’m sitting here tonight with my 10 year son who for the second year in a row has mum has missed his birthday. Last year she was in gaol this year in a psych unit. She spoke to him today by phone and didn’t realise it was birthday. There are some serious narcissistic issues as well as possible bipolar. She ticks every box in the 9 things u have according to the mental health bible. I was a police officer and if I was late home from work I’d get shit. I once had 52 unanswered calls after catching a crock at 3 in the morning and interviewing him fir 80 burglaries. She destroyed friendship after friendship especially if I liked her friends. She has bpd but I agree she has other issues. Knowledge is power. I’d would not have married her if I knew what would happen but a ya feel a gorgeous 14 year old daughter and 3 boys aged 12 10 and 8. Seeing my daughter singing in her school production and my 2 eldest boys playing soccer in divisions above their age and being selected in rep squads and having an 8 year old following in their footsteps keeps me going. What’s your story?
Alex says
Rick, my wife and I have been married for 7 years and have been seperated about 6 times. My counselor told me that I am codependent and she has bpd. I was the one who took the initiative to reconcile with her everytime because I hate being alone. In Febraury of this year I rented us a place in a very nice section of NJ and we have been separated since the end of July due to her physically abusing me and threatening my life. Everytime we reconciled my love tank is full but she slowly depletes it causing me to want to escape. We have a five year old son and I and many others are concerned for him because she’s so unstable. She has an MBA from a top business university and teaches at an upscale private school. She’s a pro at munipulation and pulling the wool over people’s eyes. I have recently learned by one of our former counselors who quit after five sessions that she had multiple abortions and has slept with over 60 men in her lifetime. I was instructed to set all types of boundaries and file for custody of my son. It seems like every year she starts a new job and she’s horrible at handling money. She doesn’t pay her bills and they accumulate. I believe she has a new boyfriend and I am hurt pretty badly as a result. She constantly blame shifts and treats me like a child because she doesn’t respect me. Her father left her when she was young and she has abandonment issues. However, she’s the one that pushes me away. I have given her everything in an effort to make her happy but it doesn’t work. It’s like a bottomless hole that can’t be filled no matter what I do. I tried setting boundaries but everytime someone challenges her whether it be a counselor, pastor, friend, she immediately cuts them off and they become dead to her. As a result, I walked on eggshells to keep my marriage together and that obviously didn’t work. We’ve been to numerous counselors and she would quit after a few sessions. Whenever I would voice my opinion she would cut me off to make me look bad. It sat there and shut up to avoid a fit of rage. The last counselor called the cops on her because she struck me during a session. What boggles my mind is that she constantly studied the bible and we would pray together as a family giving thanks to God for our new home. Now all of a sudden I have a restraining order against her because she lied the day she hit me I didn’t press’s charges and when I went to work the following day she got one against me. Over the period of time of us living together she struck me over the littlest things and she never apologized to me once. She said that I pressed her buttons. I don’t know what to do. Many people tell me to file for divorce but instill love her and don’t want to file because I know she has this disorder. Any advice?
Rick says
For me, I can deal with anyone until it becomes physically abusive. I just don’t believe it’s worth the time and energy to be with someone that is going to physically lash out at me. Fuck that. I’d rather divorce and find a new woman that won’t physically lash. I’d rather be with an emotionally unstable BPD that never got physical. Just my 2 cents.
Alex says
I agree. It’s hard tho because of my son
RecoveringSiri says
Hi Rick. I have been married to my husband who has BPD for almost 7 years now. Before I go ahead and file for divorce, I’d like to try to make things work between us one last time. I feel a bit more confident that now that I’m finally knowledgeable about the disorder, I can handle it better and in a way that it needs to be handled in order for this marriage to survive. I am a Codependent and it has been difficult to stand up and put my foot down with him over the past few years. I always gave in and gave him his way. But now I want to try to stand my ground and do what I need to do to make this marriage work before going through with a divorce. Thing is, if I do not file for a divorce, it will never get done. Because he won’t take the initiative to file for a divorce. He avoids divorce talk like the plague. Bow I know why. No matter how horrible things are, BPD’s fear being abandoned tremendously and don’t want anything to permanently end. Am I right, Rick? I am simply going off of what I have been reading about BPD’s. I’ve been asking around for the reason of why my husband won’t file for divorce or even discuss it. I know that people always say that I can be the one to initiate and file for divorce, and I know that is true, but I really want to try to save our marriage and try to make things work one last time before throwing in the towel. I guess for so long it has been hard to figure out why he has never tried to file for a divorce when it seems like he has moved on because he has been in A on and off again affair with someone else For a few years now. and this woman also suffers from BPD traits and also a lot of Grandiose Narcissism traits. throughout all of the back and forth triangle over the past couple of years, he has never been able to completely discard me, but now that the controlling other woman has a newborn child that she claims is his, he completely ignores me. it’s so crazy to me because when we were together if I would have dared 2 look through his phone for even 5 seconds, he would have a fit and not allow it. But with her he basically allows her to do whatever she wants, including go through his phone and even allows her to respond to me when I am trying to reach out to him. I remember that I used to ask him why is it that he didn’t allow me to go through his phone and made a big deal out of it if I tried, but would allow her to do that and so much more. And he told me that he didn’t want her to go through his phone either, but that he gets tired of her throwing fits and tantrums when she doesn’t get her way so he just give in and lets her do it anyway. even considering all of this, I would still like to try to work things out and make one last attempt at helping our marriage survive, if possible. But my husband completely ignores me now that he has a child with her, and yes she uses the child as a tool 2 get what she wants from him or to keep him on a leash.so I guess my question to you is do you think that he will ever tried to return back to me in order to try to make things work? I also have one more question… why won’t a BPD have sex with their mate anymore? Because there were a lot of times when it seemed like he wanted to be intimate with me, but just wouldn’t allow himself to. And it was very apparent to see. He wouldn’t be fully intimate with me, but he would accept oral sex. Yes, I did venture out and had experiences with others because I had gotten tired of sitting around and being “played” and I felt vulnerable and abandoned by him all of the time. After the first time I told him about it, he cried. He said “it” doesn’t seem like “it’s” solely his anymore. We had sex a few times after that, but after a while it just stopped. He would have sex with the BPD/Grandiose Narcissistic woman though. Even though he knew about my transgressions, he didn’t completely discard me out of his life. He would distance himself from me for weeks (no more than 3) and try working things out with that other woman that he just “couldn’t get enough of” (didn’t know why then, but now I do…He put up with her because she put her foot down and didn’t give him what he wanted all of the time and by her being a BPD and Grandiose Narcissist it’s easier for her than for a Codependent). And then after soooo much chaos, would find his way back to me, whether it was becoming he always needed help with something he was having am issue with in life or to complain and vent about her. But I’m the end, he’d still find himself going back to her, too. This happened and went on for 3 and a half years up until recently….When she had the baby. And what’s crazy is, he originally doubted (and deep down probably still does) that the baby is his….only because one day he found suggestive messages in her Facebook inbox and he saw this when she accidentally forgot to log out of her FB page when she was using his laptop. Once he saw whatever it was he saw, he began to try to seriously discard her from his life by ignoring her for a long period of time (2 months), which she wasn’t used to him doing to her. She always seemed in control of him until then. Then she started begging and pleading and obsessively calling him. And then finally she called and said she was 2 months pregnancy and that it was his. He had doubt because he said the timing seemed a bit off because he said he hadn’t been intimate with her in about 2 months, but he said he guesses maybe it could possibly be true. And he’s always wanted children and to be the father he’s never had to them. And even though he had a mother that raised him, she eventually put him to the side to accommodate his step dad’s every control like wish and need. So he never wants to abandon his child to ever possibly put her (it’s a girl) in a situations like that. So he refused to do a DNA test, like he said he was going to do. He now tries to hold down 2 jobs to make sure his child wants for nothing. Of course, he still has dealings with her. They live together and she controls every aspect of him more than ever now, since she is his “baby mama.” She constantly is rude to me and tells me that I’m infertile and can’t have children and she even tries to constantly say that to him. she constantly says that if I was fertile I would have been able to give him children by now. But that’s absolutely ridiculous because there is no way in hell that I would be able to have any of his children because we stopped being intimate long ago. But anyway, my two questions basically wire do you think that my husband might return and try to reconcile with me? And why does a BPD stop being intimate with their mate?
Rick says
It’s not a bpd thing to not be intimate. That’s just the fact that the person is either really insecure or they just aren’t attracted to you. Don’t make it a BPD thing, please. That will just mess up your mental state and it isn’t fair to assume that BPD’s aren’t intimate. I know plenty of BPD’s that love sex and all that. So it’s not a BPD thing. I just don’t think your husband has a lot of attraction for you. So do you really want to marry someone that isn’t going to be too attached to you? The answer of course is no. My advice is to move on.
erica says
This is so bogus! Lets put the emphasis on how to “effectively deal” with what is destructive behavior just so we can continue to be graced by the company of the destructive BPD. The reality of these relationships is that a man or woman who stays with a destructive BPD is deeply emeshed and needs to face and overcome codependency issues. Not to mention that often times the behavior of the BPD is violent and one should never risk their life to assuage the abandonement fears of the BPD. These people are not “special” rather they are deeply distrubed and quite frankly do not deserve a loving relationship IF they cant reciprocate and stop lying/cheating. To say that once we nons develop the “skills” to deal with them, then we can make our marriage work is nonsensical. BPD is a disorder that doesnt change. I for one dont want to spend the best years of my life jump roping hoping to win on the playground. It is not healthy to stay in abuse so stop telling people they can learn their way through it-you know better.
Rick says
So why waste your time writing me a huge ass paragraph? Go jump rope around with an easy going person then. The people seeking help here obviously want to stick with their partner. So I teach people how to make these relationships manageable. And you have the audacity to tell me that what I’m doing is wrong? Seriously?
PsyHealer says
Lol 2x ! That´s a cool reply Rick, but erica´s post did make me question myself. What´s wrong with a high SMV guy like who always picks emotionally challenged girls? What makes a skeptical guy like me to keep faith in my current relationship despite all evidence that the her drama won´t ever end?
Rick says
I think it’s all about owning yourself, owning who you are. So you can be SMV and go for whatever type of girl you want as long as you own it. People that fail in relationships don’t really know themselves well. Therefore, their partners can’t really trust them.
Armani says
I am a 39 year old woman who is bpd,,,,Most individuals with bpd had some type of emotional or physical trauma as children..most of the time sexually abuse such as myself…and most of the time us women who suffered trama as a kid and our caretakers or guardians did not get us the professional help for the trama,,so as a child we are left to defend for ourselves with the emotional,mental,and sometimes physical trauma,,which means we carry the hurt and pain into our adult life because we did get the professional help we needed as a child..Men you can not give up on us women because some stupid adult did not get us the help we needed as a child..How can a child teach him or herself how to handle trauma and emotions? so naturally as an adult we take our emotions into our adulthood..SO coming from a woman with BPD the best advice I can give is to try to understand what happen to her and put yourselves in our shoes..if your parents or love one never got you the professional you needed for whatever situation at the time..When yOu understand what happen to her,,than MAYBE you have a better understanding why she ACT the way she does..What works for me in relationships is when I get in my Rage stage,,KEEP CALM AND IGNORE HER ,,She physically abuse have her arrested,,my husband did it to me and I never hit him again .Lol,we are ,bpd but we are not dumb..we she going threw the pull push stage,again go hangout,,the key to dealing with us Bpd women is to have understanding,patience,and a life of your own.
Rick says
Thanks for sharing what works for you. It’s a major part of what I teach people. You have to have your own life just as you said :)
Judith says
I’m 28 years, married and I think to have BPD. I have a 2 years old daughter. I see myself in many of the things you wrote about BPD. My relation is a chaos, sexless marriage (5-6 times a year). He doesn’t want to be intimate with me.Because of this and of the constant quarrels I asked my husband to go together to therapy..Well, it was also an ultimatum because I found out he was inviting womans on sex sites over in his office for sex. I have known about his constantly watching porn for 3 years, this while he wouldn’t touch me. He lied almost each time that he haven’t done it ( 2-3 times/ week)that I’m paranoia, that I shouldn’t control him. He is a nice but complicated man, doesn’t accept opinions witch doesn’t fit with his believes, he won’t talk with people including his family members if they don’t apologise to what he thinks is wrong said about him. He provides the money at home, I don’t work, in part because till 3 months ago he wouldn’t agree that I finish my studies or go find a job.But he spend so less time with our daughter, he is in bed with his laptop the ENTIRELY TIME HE IS AT HOME! At the therapist he said yesterday that it is just my fault, that he have done nothing , that I started 1000 quarrels in 4 years( ABSOLUTY NOT THRUE, many, many times we quarrel because he shout, he doesn’t accept I have opinions, wishes, rights, he started the quarrels ,etc..) . It was so frustrating, he was lying like he have made it so many times, and made me look like the craziest woman alife! And the therapist have emphasized just my issues but NOT ONE SECOND HIS so now he thinks it is ok to do whatever he wants because I’m the one I have issues( he doesn’t know for sure about BPD, just that I think I might have it, the therapist didn’t mentioned this name to him , only the fact that I can not regulate my emotions) .What I want to say is that not only the BPD are the guilty for the chaos in a relationship but because of the stigma, is almost every time our fault. At the end we must not learn skills just to help us be “normal ” but also to deal with our non BPD husbands issues. I come from a family where the quarrels were very often, violence, verbal abuse, I suffered my entire childhood and now I must suffer each second on the time I’m awake for the simple fact that I exist, I DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS, but because of this, I must be guilty even for the things I have not done! So unfair…
Rick says
Well I’m really sorry for your position and for your daughter. You need to do what’s best for you and your daughter and I really just don’t think being in a relationship with a man who constantly watches porn and cheats on you is a good man to be around your daughter. Your problems with the therapist is exactly why I don’t recommend couples therapy because if the therapist is manipulated, then it’s going to be a horrible experience.
What I recommend is that you start being hard on him. Get aggressive, fight back. Say the words you want to say. But ultimately, this man is bad news and you should leave him. That’s my professional advice.
John says
Thanks Rick,
I have done a lot of on-line research in the last 18 months and your experience is right on, to a point. I have noticed that most relationships have been much shorter than my 34 year marriage to my wife. We have 3 children, whom without, I don’t know how long our marriage would have lasted. I wish I could have known in the beginning what I now know. Honestly I would not chose to do it all over again. My wife is a beautiful, intelligent, first born, alpha-women with emotional issues from a very dysfunctional family of origin. I won’t label her but she is 9 for 9 and to the extreme. She worked very hard to separate herself from her families dysfunction and be successful at school and her career. She also read many books on relationships and we went through 7 counselors over the years but as strong as she could be outwardly low self esteem and abandonment fears prevented her from inwardly addressing her own issues and to project them onto me. From the beginning to the end (we have been separated for 18 months and are divorcing now that all our children are all over 18) she has had the same mantra. She wanted me to “change” to be perfect for her as she is, which put carrying both sides of our relationship on me. I consider myself an alpha-man, middle child but first male, from a stable and loving home. I have always been aware of my true self although I was programmed as a child not to be selfish and at times to set my needs aside and consider the needs of others more important. I don’t think this would have been anything but a positive trait in a relationship with someone else that was capable of doing the same but with a spouse with emotional issues it grew into a co-dependence of sorts. I say “of sorts” because there is a power shift that takes place in all relationships which is magnified in a relationship with someone with emotional issues. These power shifts are as follows; (1.) Men romance women primarily for a sexual relationship (women are in control) (2.) Women enter a relationship and give themselves sexually to a man then seek commitment (men are in control) (3.) Men make a commitment (women are in control) (4.) Men romance women meeting their emotional needs and women meet their men’s sexual needs (Balanced properly neither is in control and they live happily ever after, or do they?) (5.) Having children (lower wage earner is in control) In American society today family court is used as a weapon. Mostly by women as they file 66-75% of divorces, depending on which study you believe. False PFA’s can be used by men or women but family courts are extremely biased against men. Trust me, if it comes down to a man’s word against a woman’s word with no proof the woman will win. You can be excluded from your home, lose custody of your children, and be ordered to pay support while having to maintain another place to live. This is where my co-dependence “of sorts” comes into play. It doesn’t matter how alpha a man is if this powerful misuse of the family court system is deployed by an emotionally challenged women. Losing money and material possessions I could have accepted and ended my marriage but when your wife tells you that she will have your home, children, and 75% of your pay check and that she will make sure you never see your children co-dependence tends to kick in. 7 years ago I relinquished my manhood and she dropped the PFA and completely lost all respect for me. I didn’t feel I had a choice. I couldn’t leave my children alone with her. I knew that without me there she would direct her chaos onto our children. As our children grew to adulthood she was losing her ability to use our children as a way to manipulate me. Her abandonment fears grew worse and our relationship spiraled downward. I wanted to avoid the inevitable until all our children were finished with college and able to support themselves. Our oldest was 19 when she, under the heavy influence of alcohol, completely lost it and physically attacked me in front of 2 of our children. I didn’t respond as my son pulled her off of me and put her to bed. 2 days later I confronted her with her behavior. I told her that if she had nothing to give in our relationship and wouldn’t get help that I didn’t want it any more. She was indignant, packed a bag, left and went to the police station to try to have me arrested for throwing her out of our home. The police would do anything. I didn’t pursue her in any way and I knew where things were headed so I packed my things in my truck. 9 days later she filed another false PFA, had me excluded from our home, filed for divorce and support. As before she didn’t really want a divorce just control over me. She continued to refuse to get help or progress with our divorce. I didn’t want a long expensive battle in divorce court but it became apparent that was the only way. I pushed the divorce forward and she hooked up with her old high school boyfriend and within 3 months he moved in with her. I should have expected this as I know she has to have someone to take care of her but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Our marriage survived but did not thrive those 34 years because I know who I am and the crazy cycles didn’t affected my self esteem. Women with emotional issues definitely have their good points. If you can handle it, I say go for it, but don’t ever have children with them.
PsyHealer says
Hey John,
My ex-wife has also done dark things against me. After second pregnancy, she became totally insane and refused to treat herself, refused to work, and refused to put efforts into loosing weight. So I gave up her all at once. Yet, I was forced to live with her so I could take care of the kids, and kept working from home. But I could not survive without sex and romance, so I dated other woman, without hiding it.
So she kept spanking me, some times forcing our infant & toddler to watch. Then she filed many false accusation against me, when she was the one spanking me, moreover used the kids against me in all sorts, using school and courts (and still uses whenever possible), and made all kinds of campaigns against me, spreading lies.
Once in a while and gave the first steps in courts to get her revenge. At first I could defend myself quite well even without a lawyer,
until she found a nasty judge who accepted her PFA without listening to me, and gave her the custody of the kids at the same time. Devastated, I moved to dads house, but I never felt like a looser. Within less than one month I picked one of the girls I had dated to live with me and she supported me emotionally. I managed to deal with my ex so I could be with kids for almost 40% of the time, protecting them from her insanity, but that turned me into a kind of slave. Guess what, I had to hide my girl from the kids so my ex would not be jealous and reduce my time with them. The first lawyer I hired did not help me much, as all he wanted was my money, but soon I learned to trust more in myself than in lawyers, to find more trustworthy lawyers, and to play this cold war game.
Two years have passed since she got me out of home and now I have been winning all disputes. I just note her mistakes and turn them against her. Such as spanking my current girl in front of everyone. Now I have shared custody of kids (50%) and I´m engaged with that new girl. My ex wife still lives at my expense, but soon I´ll be turning the tables in that matter too, expelling her from my property and hopefully increasing my share amount of time with kids.
My conclusion is: Yes you can marry and have kids with a borderline girl, but not before mastering notions of divorce and custody. If things don´t go well, don´t even think about letting her know it. Instead, do it secretly and let the court agent inform her you have (1) filed for divorce and requested full custody of kids. If the spanks you, that will be actually great. Just allow her to make deep bruises on you, then rush into police station to file a PFA against her. If they tell you this is unnecessary, then insist, telling them about the nasty threats she said, like killing your or the kids.
By the way, my current girl is also borderline and gives me a lot of trouble. She has even punched me in the face once, but she has a good character and that makes all the difference. That´s why I´m going to marry her and start it all over again.
Rick says
There’s just no point throwing the BPD label around because as you can have experienced every person is different. Your ex wife just went off the deep end and there’s nothing you can do about that. I’m glad you found a new girl who supports you and is much more stable, even if she is a ‘borderline’. At the end of the day, I teach relationship advice and self-improvement. You just got to worry about yourself and not on ‘saving’ marriages and whatnot.
pat says
Your the one who’s hit the nail on the head! If I may use some sarcasm mixed with truth; It is a fact that there is a decrease in marriages in “modern America” and all nations who have followed suite with our family court protocol. What I believe worsens BPD and non BPD woman is entitlement. As for the govt. / congress/ supreme court / family courts and judges and aunterage of lawyer leeches, they will some time in the distant future HAVE to table new laws that will force you to continue supporting them even if marriage is absent from the equation. They cannot provide the enormous welfare system for this growing category of people which they have nurtured for profit. The largest single senior population in the history of any nation. And there is the continuous control you speak of consolidated by our law makers.
aiysha says
Ive been suffering from bpd ever since i can remember not even knowing i had it. Im married at 24 for 3 years and its been so difficult. i’ve always had trouble in the past in my relationships my last ex was so lovely and he used to give into my demands of what I wanted because I would threaten to leave (manipulation or what?) and he didn’t want it to be over so he’d say sorry and do what I want, I was horrible then (I’ve long since written an email apologising and explaining what I know now about BPD). I’m horrible now Our fight is about spending time together my husband is super busy trying to start up a business and most of the time i try to handle it just not very well, for someone with abandonment fears when someone takes longer to come home then they say they will it causes havoc in my mind. I start to think he doesn’t love me why is he always gone later then he says he will, we don’t get time together, they say people with BPD intentionally choose people who are abandoning i Don’t know if that’s true I can’t even see the truth because I don’t know whether that’s my BPD perception or reality. It’s so hard being this way, I haven’t cheated on him, I always think about leaving him and threatening it, sometimes I wish I could just to stop our living hell. We have small squabbles everyday because I’m suffocating, and yet I don’t want to be. For BPD they stay in crappy relationships because the fear of being alone is so intense, for me, this relationship can be so miserable (my black and white perception means im so happy and so upset about 5 times a day) and yet leaving would be worse still, even if it meant i’d be sane. What’s funny is that I felt okay when I was single, I worked full time came home chilled saw my friends and repeat. It’s the minute someone cares about me and my emotions personally get involved that there’s problems. I don’t self harm I dont smoke drink i dont even have caffeine im spiritual but even with that Im going through a crisis because of this because I wish I wouldnt rage I would give him space when he is home (I have no friends here who actually can come out to hang out) I wish I wouldnt feel our relationship is ‘going bad’ the minute he doesnt want to sit next to me or sleep at the same time as me or he goes out three hours longer than he said he’d be. I wish I could just go with it and feel secure. People think BPD’s never try or want to be this way, ive attended dbt modules, I’ve had counsellors, cbt, I don’t feel like any of it helped me. I really hate myself after I’ve treated him badly and it reminds me of my dad who used to beat my mum and feel terrible afterwards. My biggest wish is to be normal, non bpd’s dont know how lucky they are not to have this pain inside them all the time making it close to impossible to have what they have and yet some people are outright mean about us. (Not the writer of the article i think the advice was good). I do think you need to be hard and stand firm because it helps them see when theyre pushing boundaries being unfair or mean and then it helps them question themselves and get insight otherwise BPD’s dont have the insight that what theyre doing is mean/wrong. but it should be done with compassion at times when the BPD is experiencing pain (sometimes im crying so hard feel suicidal feel tempted to go and self harm although I havent for ages time like that being tough just makes me feel hated and worse and feel more pain). I havent cheated i feel tempted but if you explain to the BPd who doesnt know why theyre doing it they’ll realise its just a temporary cry for attention during a bad time theyre having with you, they still know its wrong BpD or not its just its more tempting when you have BpD because you want constant affirmation and reassurance the minute you have a fight with your loved one you seek out the next person to give it to you (or rather they dont give into your bpd terms). So BPD’s please DONT realise its a temporary thing and a horrible thing to do. I wouldn’t ever cheat on my husband because i understand why i realise i want affection but really from him not from anyone. I hope this helped someone and for people to know a little more. Peace.
Rick says
THanks for the comment. I hope you come back and can leave more knowledge. I’d like to pick your brain if I could as a benefit to my readers. Do you feel that if you had more friends to hang out things would be different? Do you feel that if he did choose to always sit next to you, sleep at same time, etc. that it would turn you off and cause you to want distance? If so, why? Most BPD’s get turned off when their partners get close. Can you go into detail about this for you?
Joshua harris says
my name is joshua and im 22 years old, my girlfriend of 4 months im suspecting of BPD, ive always noticed she has a knack of making me feel like shit even when i feel like i did nothing wrong. in other ways she has a way of making me feel like the best guy on earth. she works at an applebees and when i go in and visit her she says im too friendly with her co workers (females) i ask her if i come off like im being flirtatious, and she says no, youre just too friendly and lets me know if i dont change i can watch her walk away, its upsetting cuz i have became very fond of this girl over the last 4 months. She doesn’t accuse me of cheating or anything like that only because we hang out every day and she comes and visits me every day, her main weapon she against me when she is having an “episode” is she simply states that i need to fix it and shes tired of fixing it (i really don’t ever get upset at her) and that she the only one trying in this relationship that she drives the 10 mins from her home to come visit me almost every night (only because her parents hate me cuz im 1/8 black). i really care about this girl i recommended her start a diary to journal how she feels and i was gonna write in it every other week, im afraid this is going to back fire in my face just like every other romantic gesture i have done will. i feel bad because last night we got into an argument and what she was mad about wasn’t normal, i googled drama queen (that’s all this boils down to) and it mentioned HPD, I very calmly and very nicely asked her to get help (I guess i took advantage of her emotions in a way) she didn’t leave mad at me, she left enamored with me and i’m usually good about that when she goes home she leaves enamored with me and she says she is thinking about me all day. Rick if there is anything you recommend any exercises we can do to help her it would make it an easier choice to fight against 99% of the articles on the internet advice to leave someone with BPD and work with them, she has virtually destroyed all my relationships with my friends already but part of it is my fault too.
Rick says
You let her walk all over you. This is purely 100% your fault. So when she tells you that you’re ‘too friendly’, that’s her own damn fault for being insecure. Being friendly is a good trait. Don’t let her take that away from her. Tell her ‘You should walk away then because I’m a friendly guy, I see the best in people and if you’re going to shame me for being an optimist in life, then we don’t belong together.’
Tell her that. It will show her that she no longer can mess with you.
Grace says
It is not all your fault. I think Rick has some good things to say, but starting it off with anything in this circumstance being ALL your fault is silly. Loving someone means being vulnerable to them, which means the possibility for hurt. It’s not love if you’re not vulnerable to hurt. I do agree of course that wholeness and confidence in one’s self is vital to surviving a relationship like this.
Rick says
It’s not about vulnerability, it’s about being genuine and authentic. If you are weak and insecure and easily pushed around, you’ll never win. So work on being firm and strong and assertive before you worry about vulnerability and all that.
SB says
Hey Rick,
I have read you article and I have to say its an interesting perspective from others. I see you are a “keep it real” kind of of guy and I would appreciate your advice. I have been with the love of my life since I was 21 its been 8 years since. When we first met it was difficult it was challenging he came on too strong and wanted to propose to me but returned the ring 3 months after we started dating. He told me this after the face I was overwhelmed because I was didn’t understand nor was equipped to deal with a sensitive resentful individual. I tried to make up for his past resentments by being there for him and showing him I loved him and lived with him for years. Waiting for the day he would propose. In his darkest times when no one was there I was. He has shown all his colors and I have accepted and love the good and the bad. However It came to a point I felt I was doing more and enabling him by not having him face his own responsibilities instead I took the burden on myself with allowing my self to be objectified by his abuse. I now understand it was wrong however times I stood up for myself he would tell me not to go toe to toe with him. So I have always struggled to find the best way to handle situations where he deliberately disrespects, degrades and insult me. Two months ago I coincidentally go to a lounge with friends and find him gallivanting with another female I break up the dance cut in and he hashed it out with me outside and was an absolute lunatic he thought I followed him and tried to make me feel like I was crazy…. I know what I saw for the next three days I avoid him in despair… He hacks into my FB to try to pin something on me and comes across an exchange of messages from my childhood (15yrs old)best friend(guy) who I haven’t seen in 13 yrs and recently connected online that had helped me then through hard times(before I ever met him). We have then and now willnever be more then just friends but the man in my life has these absurd notions that I slept with him and have been unfaithful which I have gone to the extent of having my friend write him to my defense. ( although it was unnessary) He prides around telling ppl I cheated on him and hes single. Meanwhile he has been still living with me and back and forth with me. He says the worse and we are not together but his actions show otherwise.Mind you he is still enjoying all the comforts of living with me. I am being yo yoed around and Im at the point where I feel I am being toyed with.He has even tried to put me back in the friends zone. (are you kidding me!)I love him but I don’t love this circumstance and I’m at my wits end. Hes loves me he hates me for two month I went the emotional phase, drinking to forget phase, fight for your love phase, give a token phase, Not let him see you down phase, Be desirable phase, Show him your worth phase, Silence phase,to now the less is more phase. I am stuck as to what to do … any suggestions.
Rick says
You can’t save other people. Nor can you change them. So it sounds to me like you’re in this relationship hoping that you can somehow change him or fix his ways or something. That’s just not how relationships work. You’ve got some serious codependency and I think you need to spend some time to yourself and not with this guy for a while.
Nicole says
I’m BPD and I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years and was with him for 3 years prior to getting married. About 3 months after we got married I began to have chronic pain localized and now it’s widespread. (My new PCP is currently working on trying to figure this out.) About 6 months ago he started to push me away and it has gotten worse every month. It’s so bad now that I don’t want anything to do with him. There is no touching, nothing. Last night I was looking at his phone and I noticed that he had a couple of porn sites on it. I blow up! He already knew how I feel about it. (I told him when we were dating and again after I bought him his phone (when I found a porn site). Today I got his phone again and I went through his search history and this wasn’t a one time thing. I went back through the month of November and 12 different days there were porn sites and a total of 36 times. He has lied yesterday and today about looking at them and says someone else did it. (That was a lie because the same searches was the same on days that he didn’t work and at night when he was supposed to be asleep.) He says it is my fault because I’m not the person he married. But the thing is that he knew how I was before we got married. He is putting the blame on me and making excuses for his behavior. This isn’t helping my trust and abandonment issues (not to mention the other problems I have). I can’t trust him anymore. I have yelled, screamed, thrown things, made threats, ect. I don’t know what to do….
Rick says
Well the real problem here is that you’re going thru his phone. I know his porn and lying isn’t right, but it’s also not right to go thru his phone. That’s a breach of trust and a relationship killer. Understand that regardless of whether he’s looking at porn or not, you going thru his phone breaches trust and destroys the relationship. It’s his personal space, don’t invade it. Porn is a serious addiction. I GUARANTEE you that he is NOT proud of his porn addiction (what man on the planet would be proud of watch a bunch of random people fuck on the internet?) So while I completely understand your anger towards him, porn is a serious addiction that is very difficult for men to break free from.
Instead of getting mad at him for it, you need to support him. Have a helpful conversation about it, apologize to him for getting mad about his porn addiction and that you understand it can be a serious addiction and they you’re here to support him to get over it. Okay? Getting mad at him doesn’t help. That’s like yelling at an alcoholic to stop drinking. It literally has no effect.
cAROLINE says
Rick …sorry man, ALL women snoop their man’s phone at some point and usually they have a good reason to. You are an idiot if you think that they shouldn’t or don’t. Also, after 5 1/2 years with a Narcissist with BPD, no LTR can work no matter what the non-borderline’s mindset is. You are selling a crock of crap to people wishing their borderline could love them. Who cares about porn (crazy woman above)? That is just stupid. Hubby probably needs a release after putting up with your BPD.
Rick says
That’s a pretty big statement to say that ALL women look at phones. That’s just bullshit. But hey, keep thinking that in your small, tiny world. No wonder you keep getting used and abused in your relationships. Bye!
Tonia says
True, I’m BPD and I NEVER look through my boyfriends’ phones. I find it disrespectful.
Cas says
Trust and respect are mutual. He must have done something to betray that trust in the first place for me to want to go through his phone. On second thought thou, I don’t care to become his detective. My time is worth more than that. If someone betrayed my trust, I probably won’t even want to go through his phone because he will be OUT of my life for good!!!!!
Lyla says
I’m speaking anonymously here, so I have no reason to lie. I have been with my husband for 14yrs, and I have snooped only a couple of times during extremely insecure moments (I’m Bipolar and was paranoid), and was honest about it. i felt terrible. It is an invasion of privacy and lack of trust, and I certainly don’t and won’t do this. It has been years since i have done such a thing, and I hope that I would never do it again. I’m disgusted with myself for it.
As for the porn, in a society that gets most of its entertainment from screens, and with sex being a very natural urge and a huge part of identity, I see it as perfectly natural to watch porn. It is not a shameful thing, and I’m hard pressed to think of it as an addiction, even though one can get desensitized to some extent from over exposure. My advise to women whose husbands watch porn? Good! Their husbands have a healthy sex drive, so much better than when lacking. Suggest watching it with them, make a sexy night of it, put on lingerie, discuss each others dirtiest fantasies, and have fun. I didn’t used to watch porn at all, and now I do from time to time even when alone because I’ve shed some of the taboos and it helps me to think of fun things to try with my husband. We just make a point of not having it on every time so that it remains special, and so that we also have more loving sex sessions. Don’t shame someone for their sexual needs, it can be extremely damaging.
Rick says
Wrong. All wrong. There is nothing ‘natural’ about watching porn. It’s been scientifically proven to numb the mind, to alter behavior, to reward the brain via dopamine for a false reality. You know what happens when you continuously reward the brain over and over again with a false reality? It starts to believe in that fantasy. And once you believe in a fantasy, you’re pretty much screwed.
Yes, all of this is proven by science. Go ahead and do the research and you’ll see.
If you want a healthy mind, kill your addiction to porn. It affects men much more so than women. Much more.
LearnwhatYoupreaCh says
I can’t reply to Rick in the reply to this comment.
Rick,
The vast majority of research that has been done on porn ‘addiction’ has been biased. The newest research shows that it is no more addicting than anything else. As a matter of fact, addiction in general is becoming an outdated term. People use addictions to cover up painful emotions they can’t deal with. Porn is not a chemical like cocaine that changes the way your neurons release dopamine. Also, ANY pleasurable activity releases dopamine… Hell, chocolate does too. It’s what gives you that happy feeling when you do something good. I do agree that porn can be bad to people who tend to become obsessive over things, which is a lot of people. I suggest reading some research on porn ‘addiction’ that is not funded by anti-porn advocates. As I said before, porn is only damaging to people who cannot control their usage. A man watching porn once a month is not going to change a thing in his brain, and I’m very skeptical of anyone having chemical changes in the brain due to any visual stimulus alone, especially after reading some newer studies.
Rick says
You sound like a Hillary supporting liberal who believe the “facts” from CNN.
pat says
Gee what’s more degenerating? a man who instinctively watches porn in secrecy or the public viewing of bodies getting blown to smithereens (sometimes in slow motion) for all our adults and children to watch on public television? European perspective.
Mikhail says
Hello Rick, long story short! Me and My girlfriend (BLD) been dating almost for 5 years! When i met her in june 2011 i fell inlove with her and my feelings never changed, by then she allready had a 4 years old boy and i accept it as my own child, before i meet her i didnt really had a long relationships! My girlfriend she is from Dominican Republic and i am Russian, my mom didnt like the story and she made me choose so i decide to be with my Girlfriend and that was my finally decision! Begin 2012 she got pregnant and now we have to beatuful boys! I propose to her 27 may 2015 and she seems very happy back then, well lets get to the point, we had a lot of ups and downs during our relation we even got profesional help to save our relationship, she has borderline disorder well thats what the profesionals told her, a couple weeks ago she told me that we need to talk: she told me that she doesnt feel atracted to me no more and that she dont really wanna get married no more and she been feeling that way for 1,5 year allready but she was afrraid to tell me that so she try to find a solution by her self but she doesnt really know what the problem is, well to me it was like pffi dont even know how to describe my feelings at that time! There is also a little chance that she is pregnant right now! to tell you honestly i am far away from beeing the perfect guy and i am jelaous and that my be one of the reasons, i dont know how to save the relationship i also realise a couple days ago that she is been chating with someone for a while, i am 31 years old and my girl is 28 , first she went screaming at me telling me that i have to only mind my business from now on and only talk about the kids and day later she starts crying and she tells me that she need time to think because she is afrraid to make the wrong decision! during all this time she keeps talking to that guy, i feel cheated and betrayed and she even has his picture of him at her phone (well hidden) i also heard her talking to her girlfriend and telling her that every day next to me she eels more distant and she wanna go away for a while beause she is getting very depressive ! I am so confused and i dont know if there is a possibility to fix this !
Tonia says
Wow. I admire you borderlines that have actually been able to get married. I’m 26 in my 3rd relationship and have already begun to lash out at him for not being caring. I began to notice this same pattern in my relationships. I don’t have an official diagnosis but I’m a doctor and I strongly believe I have BPD.
Thank you Rick. Reading your article has given me hope. I really want to make things work but my current ‘boyfriend’ won’t make it official and since I have already started to accuse him I fear he will run soon. I’m so scared and confused I have stopped calling and so has he. I’m scared to enter a new relationship because I feel emotionally unstable and I am afraid of myself.
Rick says
Well I think you really need to spend some time being single and figure out answers to these things that you feel. And no – “I have BPD” isn’t enough of an answer.
briana says
My husband and i have been married about a year and honestly i am the one with bpd and i see my issue very clearly, i split between the truth of how good of a man he is to stripping him of all his good and tellign him he isnt strong because of the way he takes my verbal mouth. I guess i want him to just stick up for himself and put me in my place but cognitively i know that that is not the person he is and i love him for that. When devaluizing i begin to not see why i loved him in the first place and then im stuck in this mindblowing state. I just dont want to split i want to be normal for him, i want to be the best i can for him, i just dont know how to switch it off. the splitting i mean.
Rick says
Well the reason you feel this way is because he SHOULD be sticking up for himself and putting you in your place, lol. That’s really what a confidence, alpha male, boss-daddy does. And when it comes to dating dramatic women, the man really needs to be the boss. Women biologically are attracted to the alpha, right? So it only makes sense that you crave this masculine part of him. A man standing up for himself is his animality. It’s true masculine. This is why I teach men to unleash this inner masculinity. It greatly helps in BPD relationships!
jane says
this story is more strange than drama. I met a charming guy a year ago. we have a lot of things in commone and fall in love. he makes me feel he love me much and give me full attention. One moment suddenly he said he has wife and children. Then I left out of repect for his wife and myself. later He gave a speech said he had no children and no family, after he met me he start to understand what love is. Ok. I came back. after a few month of good time. suddenly he mentioned ‘his wife’ after I mention other girl flirting with him he may also aware that.
Now the friendship( ad we only have plato love so far) is OVER.
Is the typical bpd behavior ?
this man has psychology degree and he read a lot bpd books.
How is chance to recovery or it is totally damned? I do not have emotional capacity to deal with this. I feel sad when seeing him flirting lightly. I certainly can not handle complexity of cheating.
Rick says
Jane, I’m more concerned with the fact that you stil have thoughts about this guy when he’s a complete scumbag. That’s the issue here. You need to really work on your self-worth so that you won’t be attached to douche holes like this. You could easily find yourself a non married guy, yet you have this attachment disorder which is keeping you wanting this man. Gotta get that fixed girl!
Joan says
Unfortunately I spent 36 years with a BPD husband. I’d never even heard of this condition, and came upon it while doing research on something else. It hit me like a brick. I could never figure out why he acted the way he did. What’s sad is realizing that you wasted 36 years of your life. I wish I’d known about this a long, LONG time ago. I’m not sure he ever really loved me, since it was all about him…and he’s moved on quickly to another woman and is having the time of his life traveling the world, since she has money.
Rick says
Well, I actually move on quickly as well when a relationship ends. It’s the best way for a guy to get over a girl. Smart men don’t sit around and pout — they get out into the field ASAP and meet new women to date. I got over my ex in about 2 weeks when I met a younger, hotter girl that had the same interests as me. So, that’s not really a BPD thing specifically… As for the 36 years, that really is rough. Sorry to hear.