Got a question recently from a guy who is moving in with his BPD girlfriend. He wants to know what to expect when you’re living with someone who has BPD.
If you’ve been reading my articles for some time now, you’ll know that I believe BPD is very situational and that you should focus on the behaviors that you encounter.
In other words, every case of BPD seems to be pretty damn unique. Sure there are similarities (such as raging, pushing you away, drama) but these things are common in all types of relationships.
They are also very behavioral because while some person might be extremely hot and cold, other’s not so much. I’ve dated girls that raged every single time they drank and other girls that actually got happier when they drank.
So it really comes down to your unique situation. In my recent post about being married to a bpd, I discussed how it’s extremely important that you educate yourself – which is exactly what you’re doing by being on my site and I applaud you for this effort.
I believe that we really need to stop classifying people as BPD. It’s just way too easy to take a crazy outburst from someone and say ‘Oh she must be BPD because she’s behaving this way.’ We’re using BPD as an excuse for bad behavior. Let me make this clear: there are no excuses for bad behavior.
A lot of guys that are searching for information about BPD are doing so because they want to ‘save’ their girlfriend or boyfriend. The sooner you realize that you cannot save anyone but yourself, the sooner you’ll start to have real relationships instead of these fantasy relationships that only exist in Disney movies.
Anyway, let’s move on and discuss the topic of today.
When Should You Move In With A BPD?
This is a great topic to discuss and I’m glad I’m finally tackling it. I believe I’ve touched on this a few times in comments and emails here and there, but I’ve never written an entire article about it.
Borderline Personality Disorder as we know is basically a very emotionally driven disorder. It’s purely behavioral and things can change in an instant. One of the most common situations is that a person with BPD will ‘fall in love’ with you almost instantly.
I remember with the first girl I dated that had BPD was really hitting me right where I wanted her to. I definitely had my own codependency issues and as I’ve discussed in the past, codependency is just as bad as BPD. If you’re desperate for affection, love and intimacy, you’re going to eat up all of the nice things that someone with BPD tells you.
People with BPD can be very needy. But guess what? So are people with codependency issues. They’re just as needy as BPD’s. And if you’re having trouble with a BPD relationship, chances are high that you’re a codependent as well.
I was extremely codependent but I had no idea. Instead of trying to solve my own issues, I was instead trying to figure out what I could do to help my girlfriend that seemed to have an extreme case of BPD.
At first the relationship was great. By the 3rd week during the Honeymoon Period she was telling me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever.
Me being the codependent self that I was, I ate this stuff up. I loved it! I was so happy to finally have a girl that loved me. We were also having sex and that was only making me want to be with her more and more.
But as you’re probably aware, the honeymoon period eventually dies out and you’re wondering how something so great could turn to crap.
The problem a lot of guys have is that they move in with their girl during the honeymoon period. I’ve had dozens of emails from guys telling me how they moved in only 3 weeks after they met this girl. Then they’re surprised 2 months later when she wants to move out.
It’s not a huge shocker once you figure out the real issue going on, but for a codependent guy like myself, it would definitely be a huge shock when this happens to you the first time. I was fortunate enough to never move in with my BPD girlfriend even though she suggested it.
There really is no set answer on when you should move in with a BPD. I definitely think living together is possible, but the move in date should definitely be something far in the future after you’ve been dating for at least a year. This way, you will know almost everything about her, what to expect and more.
Date First. Then Live Together.
When you’re dating somebody with BPD, the best thing you can do for yourself is to take it slow.
Now I’m all for hopping into bed and enjoying each other as soon as possible, but just because you’re having sex with someone doesn’t mean that you should be living together and hanging out everyday or even ‘falling in love’.
The reality is that people with behavioral issues don’t have a real understanding of love. Most likely they were raised in a broken household and the ‘love’ they experienced is much different than what you experienced.
I believe that there are two extremes to how you’re raised.
On one extreme, you have have the family that’s very loving. Both parents are together, maybe they’re forcing you to church every Sunday until you’re 18 and they’re always telling you to be nice to everybody because that’s what love is – being nice!
On the other end, you have a family that’s broken, the parents are probably separated and if they’re not, they’re constantly fighting over something. The children are neglected and the overall energy in the household is very negative. The children end up with emotional issues, fears of abandonment, etc. which are all traits of BPD.
Then you have the individuals raised in the middle: their parents are loving but they aren’t extreme. They give you freedom. They teach you that the most important person in your life is yourself and you need to have your own needs met before others. Don’t be nice just to be nice. Instead, respect people that are respectful towards you and don’t give the time or day to anybody that doesn’t show you respect.
This type of person grows up pretty quick, they’re strong with their values and their beliefs in themselves, their parents don’t help them out every step of the way. Naturally, they’re warriors and they fight for what they want in life.
At the end of the day, every person has their own issues. Nobody is perfect. You might think that being a knight in shining armor is the answer, but it’s actually the opposite of what you should be doing.
When you truly know everything about yourself and how important it is to have your own emotions under control, then you’ll have complete control of your own behavior. When you have control of your behavior, you’re going to influence the behavior of others around you, including your BPD partner.
This is how you have a healthy relationship.
When you’ve got yourself in the right zone and on level 10, you can handle anything.
P.S. You can learn everything you need to know about behavior and ‘leveling up’ in my Better BPD Relationships course. I’ve gotten thousands of testimonials over the years from people who have enjoyed my work.