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Moving In and Living With A BPD Partner

by Rick 3 Comments

moving in with bpd partner

Got a question recently from a guy who is moving in with his BPD girlfriend. He wants to know what to expect when you’re living with someone who has BPD.

If you’ve been reading my articles for some time now, you’ll know that I believe BPD is very situational and that you should focus on the behaviors that you encounter.

In other words, every case of BPD seems to be pretty damn unique. Sure there are similarities (such as raging, pushing you away, drama) but these things are common in all types of relationships.

They are also very behavioral because while some person might be extremely hot and cold, other’s not so much. I’ve dated girls that raged every single time they drank and other girls that actually got happier when they drank.

So it really comes down to your unique situation. In my recent post about being married to a bpd, I discussed how it’s extremely important that you educate yourself – which is exactly what you’re doing by being on my site and I applaud you for this effort.

I believe that we really need to stop classifying people as BPD. It’s just way too easy to take a crazy outburst from someone and say ‘Oh she must be BPD because she’s behaving this way.’ We’re using BPD as an excuse for bad behavior. Let me make this clear: there are no excuses for bad behavior.

A lot of guys that are searching for information about BPD are doing so because they want to ‘save’ their girlfriend or boyfriend. The sooner you realize that you cannot save anyone but yourself, the sooner you’ll start to have real relationships instead of these fantasy relationships that only exist in Disney movies.

Anyway, let’s move on and discuss the topic of today.

When Should You Move In With A BPD?

This is a great topic to discuss and I’m glad I’m finally tackling it. I believe I’ve touched on this a few times in comments and emails here and there, but I’ve never written an entire article about it.

Borderline Personality Disorder as we know is basically a very emotionally driven disorder. It’s purely behavioral and things can change in an instant. One of the most common situations is that a person with BPD will ‘fall in love’ with you almost instantly.

I remember with the first girl I dated that had BPD was really hitting me right where I wanted her to. I definitely had my own codependency issues and as I’ve discussed in the past, codependency is just as bad as BPD. If you’re desperate for affection, love and intimacy, you’re going to eat up all of the nice things that someone with BPD tells you.

People with BPD can be very needy. But guess what? So are people with codependency issues. They’re just as needy as BPD’s. And if you’re having trouble with a BPD relationship, chances are high that you’re a codependent as well.

I was extremely codependent but I had no idea. Instead of trying to solve my own issues, I was instead trying to figure out what I could do to help my girlfriend that seemed to have an extreme case of BPD.

At first the relationship was great. By the 3rd week during the Honeymoon Period she was telling me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever.

Me being the codependent self that I was, I ate this stuff up. I loved it! I was so happy to finally have a girl that loved me. We were also having sex and that was only making me want to be with her more and more.

But as you’re probably aware, the honeymoon period eventually dies out and you’re wondering how something so great could turn to crap.

The problem a lot of guys have is that they move in with their girl during the honeymoon period. I’ve had dozens of emails from guys telling me how they moved in only 3 weeks after they met this girl. Then they’re surprised 2 months later when she wants to move out.

It’s not a huge shocker once you figure out the real issue going on, but for a codependent guy like myself, it would definitely be a huge shock when this happens to you the first time. I was fortunate enough to never move in with my BPD girlfriend even though she suggested it.

There really is no set answer on when you should move in with a BPD. I definitely think living together is possible, but the move in date should definitely be something far in the future after you’ve been dating for at least a year. This way, you will know almost everything about her, what to expect and more.

Date First. Then Live Together.

When you’re dating somebody with BPD, the best thing you can do for yourself is to take it slow.

Now I’m all for hopping into bed and enjoying each other as soon as possible, but just because you’re having sex with someone doesn’t mean that you should be living together and hanging out everyday or even ‘falling in love’.

The reality is that people with behavioral issues don’t have a real understanding of love. Most likely they were raised in a broken household and the ‘love’ they experienced is much different than what you experienced.

I believe that there are two extremes to how you’re raised.

On one extreme, you have have the family that’s very loving. Both parents are together, maybe they’re forcing you to church every Sunday until you’re 18 and they’re always telling you to be nice to everybody because that’s what love is – being nice!

On the other end, you have a family that’s broken, the parents are probably separated and if they’re not, they’re constantly fighting over something. The children are neglected and the overall energy in the household is very negative. The children end up with emotional issues, fears of abandonment, etc. which are all traits of BPD.

Then you have the individuals raised in the middle: their parents are loving but they aren’t extreme. They give you freedom. They teach you that the most important person in your life is yourself and you need to have your own needs met before others. Don’t be nice just to be nice. Instead, respect people that are respectful towards you and don’t give the time or day to anybody that doesn’t show you respect.

This type of person grows up pretty quick, they’re strong with their values and their beliefs in themselves, their parents don’t help them out every step of the way. Naturally, they’re warriors and they fight for what they want in life.

At the end of the day, every person has their own issues. Nobody is perfect. You might think that being a knight in shining armor is the answer, but it’s actually the opposite of what you should be doing.

When you truly know everything about yourself and how important it is to have your own emotions under control, then you’ll have complete control of your own behavior. When you have control of your behavior, you’re going to influence the behavior of others around you, including your BPD partner.

This is how you have a healthy relationship.

When you’ve got yourself in the right zone and on level 10, you can handle anything.

– Rick

P.S. You can learn everything you need to know about behavior and ‘leveling up’ in my Better BPD Relationships course. I’ve gotten thousands of testimonials over the years from people who have enjoyed my work.

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Filed Under: BPD, Codependency

Comments

  1. Jay says

    03/30/2013 at 10:48 am

    Hey Rick, good read here. I also bought your book and it’s funny I’ve actually been doing most of what you say in the book I guess subconsciously. Not at first, but pretty quickly on when red flags started popping up.

    My girl was living with me for the past 1 1/2 years, she is diagnosed BPD but not in therapy. There have been many times I’ve asserted my boundaries by kicking her out, I have a zero tolerance policy for infidelity, physical violence, or her alcohol abuse.

    In fact I kicked her out again 1 1/2 months ago when she raged on me, I walked away from the situation since I choose my battles carefully and no sense in reasoning when she’s raging. She punched me as I was walking out of the room so I immediately dumped her. She begged and pleaded and I stood my ground. I had no contact with her, and about 2 weeks ago she tried calling several times, I ignored, she posted status updates talking about how she misses me, then she called again last night several times and I finally decided to answer.

    I guess you are right, they do recognize strong men, not only have I been strong, but as the only non addict boyfriend she’s had I’ve done more good for her life than anyone. I know she is not in a good spot in life, I know she’s gone out and partied it up with losers, and I was rather indifferent through my not reaching out begging and pleading like I’ve seen so many men do towards her in the past.

    Now as far as the conversation went on the phone. She started out saying she just wanted to hear my voice and wanted to see if I was okay. I let her talk 90% of the time and most of what I said was very straight to the point, mostly 1 word answers. She inquired a lot about me, but I inquired nothing about her. She cried a little saying she missed me so much. She apologized about everything she did wrong… the flirting on phone/facebook, the accusations of cheating, etc…

    At one point she started talking about “in your next relationship you should do xyz”, and how I need a good woman and she needs a good man, then said “not that you arent a good man” I brushed it off and didn’t say anything to this, felt more like a deflections. Then she was insistent on me coming to get my motorcycle from her parents house, which I clearly kept saying it’s on MY timetable. She just said she will be here whenever I decide to get it. Obvious she wants to see me.

    Well again a few I miss you’s came, all of which my responses were “if that’s true then prove it” she dropped a term of endearment calling me honey, and ended the conversation with “I love you” in a tone that was looking for the same response. The only validation I gave her the whole conversation was my closing response “I love you too JM”

    SOOOO I’ve stood my ground, she’s been trying to get back into my life, but I haven’t made it easy, nor with arms wide open, she has a lot of work to do if she wants that. I am assuming it’s coming based off all I wrote above. I’m just wondering how I handle this all now that she has re-engaged. I’m assuming I just let her contact me again and continue on like I have been the past 1 1/2 months and focusing on myself and let her do the work.

    I don’t know Rick, what are your thoughts, what should I expect, and how have I handled this in your opinion, and how should I proceed forward?

    Reply
    • KayNicole says

      05/28/2013 at 12:46 am

      So basically you want “JM” to grovel to be back in your life? She apologized, didn’t she? Either you accept the apologize and move on or you don’t. You don’t sound like a “strong” man to me. You sound like someone that wants to see just how far she’ll go to be in your life.

      Reply
    • KayNicole says

      05/28/2013 at 12:58 am

      One more thing, Jay. How can you say “you have a zero tolerance policy for infidelity” but took her back? So you do, in fact, have a tolerance for infidelity. Look, people will continue to do what you allow them to do. BPD or not. You probably look like a sucker in her eyes, because you “stand firm” for awhile and then take her back. Keep working at it, though. Good luck.

      Reply

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