YOU: “Mmmm c’mon baby let’s have some fun..”
HIM/HER: “Not tonight, I’m tired and not in the mood.”
YOU: “You’re never in the mood anymore…”
I know it’s a simple example, but if you’re in a relationship where the sex is far and few between, then I really hope I can help you find some answers that you seek.
A relationship with little to no sex can be the start of a toxic journey down the drain. As I often teach on my blog, understanding the core issues of why this happens will answer your questions.
When it comes to the topic of sex in relationships, there really are numerous reasons of why your partner has started to decline your sexual advances.
When you’re involved in a toxic relationship, I know that sex can become a serious issue. You miss the honeymoon period where the sex was regular and exciting, and just really feels great.
The affection, the passion, the intimacy your partner gave you is something that you really grew attached to. And now your partner has seemingly taken that all away from you.
I’ve experienced this multiple times in my first relationships. It only made me feel worse about myself and took me a long time to break free from the hold that sex can have on you.
Over the years, my mindsets and beliefs have grown and changed for the better – while I’ve learned a lot about women and relationships, my knowledge and mentality on sex has changed a lot as well.
My plan with this article is to explain why relationships lose that sex drive. There could be a number of reasons for this so let’s get into it!
Sexuality Is Different For Everybody
What I mean by this title is that sex is not the same for any two people. We all have our own unique views on sex and it’s usually attached to our upbringing.
If you’ve been a reader of my blog for some time, you might recall how I commonly teach you to be open minded and aware of this fact: your partner has a past that’s different from yours.
We all grow up with our own unique experiences. For better or for worse, these experiences shape our beliefs. Sex is obviously a major part of growing up.
Simply put, sexuality in our lives growing up will shape the way we see sex as we get older. I’m telling you this so that you remember to think about your partner.
Sex isn’t just about you – it’s about two people coming together and sharing a pleasurable experience. While you may have had positive experiences with sex, your partner may have not. You simply need to be aware of this.
Forgetting this fact will cause you to fall into selfishness. Selfishness does nothing but create toxicity in your relationship and will only further deepen the sexual rift between you and your partner.
This is a simple tip but still very important. I’ve only scratched the surface so far.
Lack of Intimacy/Emotions
You’ve heard it a million times, but sex without real intimacy and that emotional connection is simply just terrible sex in my opinion.
One of the reasons why I never have a problem with sex in my relationships is because I’m a very intimate, emotional person (in bed that is).
When the day is over and I’m finished with my projects and tasks for the day, I really make the women I date feel good. I don’t ask for sex, I’m not needy. I know how to make women feel good about themselves and being with me. It only makes her desire me more.
Where most people go wrong with this is that they push their partner into sleeping with them. It practically becomes a chore just to get it on. It becomes a selfish act on your part and thus only turns off your partner even more.
I’m very much the type of guy that enjoys foreplay more than the actual act of sex. I can sit there and hold my girl tight against my body, running my fingers slowly down her body and back up again.
I can smell her hair and kiss her slowly and softly on her shoulders and eventually her neck while I cuddle her against me. I can do this with her with no intention of actually having sex.
I do this because I like having that intimate connection with women I’m dating.
It also really turns women on. And if you want me personal opinion, sex with a woman that’s really turned on is a lot better than sex just because you’re horny and want to get off.
My point with this section is that I establish my sexual relationships in this way. I never go into a relationship expecting sex just because I might want it.
Instead, sex happens when she’s turned on and really wanting me inside of her. She’s turned on emotionally and intimately, not just physically. The more you have sex in this way, the deeper the connection you and your partner will develop.
Make Sex Less Important For You
Now you may be in a relationship where you feel that the sex was intimate and emotional like that. But then eventually it fizzled up and went dry. A lot of people in marriages complain about this problem.
The answer to this problem is to look outside of the bedroom. What events unfolded in your real life that have led your partner to stop feeling that connection towards you?
One of the biggest mentality shifts I had as I was mastering my relationship skills is that sex really isn’t a big deal. I know this sounds crazy after hearing how much I enjoy turning women on, but I’ll explain why.
Out of all the hours and hours you’ll be spending with your partner, sex isn’t going to make up a big chunk of that time – at least, it shouldn’t.
I see sex as something that isn’t nearly as important as me and my girl’s own personal lives. We’ve both got our own projects and goals that we’re working towards and sex shouldn’t be getting in the way of that.
Because of this mindset I have, sex becomes a rare experience. I enjoy sex just as much as the next guy, but I make sure that it isn’t the center of my relationships. Therefore, sex becomes something we both look forward to – it doesn’t become the norm.
When I’m dating women, I never allow myself to have that honeymoon period that so many couples fall into. I go the opposite route and I actually see my women less (this is information straight out of my BPD Relationship Blueprint so I’m giving you the goods).
As much as I may like the girl I’m dating, I really only try to see her once or twice per week. I’m a busy man and I put a lot of effort in my businesses and projects and this website. Seeing a girl every day is just out of the question.
But when I do see her, it’s just always a great experience. There’s a lot to talk about and catch up on. Our emotions are always high in a good way and the intimacy is always amazing.
Sex Isn’t About Ownership or Entitlement
Since your relationship may be more serious than mine, the idea of only seeing your partner once or twice per week is out of the question, especially if you’re living together. So what do you do?
First things first is that you need to make sex less of an issue for yourself. Remember that the more selfish you are about sex, the more you’re just going to turn your partner off.
In other words, you need to work on yourself outside of the bedroom as I discussed above. You need to fix your mindsets, your beliefs, your bad habits – anything that’s causing you to turn your partner off.
One of the biggest problem people have is this idea that once they’re married or committed to a girl or guy, you’re almost entitled to having sex with that person. It’s just part of the deal you may think.
Well, that just isn’t how relationships work. Just because some guy or girl decided to commit to you doesn’t mean that they somehow owe you sex.
If you feel like that was part of the deal, then I’m glad to break this news for you because you really need to change that mindset. The only body you have claim over is yours. That’s it.
Your partner’s body is 100% there’s and if he or she chooses to never have sex with you ever again, that’s their choice. You can be as mad and upset about it as you want but it isn’t going to change anything. That’s the reality and you need to deal with that.
I feel like a lot of relationships go down the drain due to people having this mindset. The husband will be horny, telling his wife that needs to sleep with him.
Just recently a man posted a spreadsheet of all these different ‘excuses’ his wife had for not sleeping with him. This guy is such an idiot that he didn’t bother to think that maybe she just isn’t interested in him anymore.
Maybe if this guy actually worked on being that intimate, attractive individual he used to be she would want to give him some loving. But I guess that’s asking for too much…
Lack of Respect
That man’s wife simply lost respect for him. The fact he keeps a spreadsheet of all her logical reasons shows how little this man really knows. He clearly doesn’t respect himself so why should she respect him?
The biggest issue we all have in a relationship is self-growth. What I mean by this is that whether you’re in a relationship or single, you should always be improving and growing as a person.
When you get into a relationship with a man or a woman, this should not change your journey of growth and improvement. I really believe that you are disrespecting yourself when you aren’t working to grow as a human being.
The evidence of this fact is in all the millions of relationships that fail. In every relationship I see that’s strong and healthy, the man and woman have high levels of self-respect. They’re always enriching their minds and growing as a person, even into old age.
Sex is something that naturally happens and is a bi-product of this self-growth and self-respect. It’s not an experience of two mediocre, mundane people that are bored, horny and have nothing else to do.
If your relationship is experience a lack of sex, your #1 goal right now should be to stop worrying about it and focus on the other areas of your life that can be improved. Like I said earlier, sex isn’t really a big deal unless you make it one and feel like you’re owed some action.
The key to a healthy relationship and therefore a healthy sex life is to never forget who you are as an individual. If you lose sight of this, you’ll lose sight of your relationship. Sex will become the only thing you think that will keep it together. However, this only does the opposite…
This really is a big topic and difficult to tackle in one article.
I can go into specifics in future articles.
I really can’t stress how important it is that you stop making sex a big deal for you.
If your partner isn’t into it, there could be several reasons why.
Pushing for more sex, feeling like you are owed sex, is only going to make things worse.
Spend this time working on yourself. It’s the best medicine for this issue.
Or you can learn everything you need to know to “spark” that intimacy once again.
I’ve noticed that on some of my dates where we get naked and intimate, there is an expectation the next day. Some will work into the morning conversation that she wants a big house in a certain location or a certain type of lifestyle of the rich and famous. Both of these are way out of my current pay range and I never see myself living in these areas or focused on such luxury. Because I don’t reply or reassure these girls that I want the same, the dating soon comes to an end. Is this a common occurrence with dating women under 35?
Hmm, I can’t say I’ve experienced that. The women that I go for are women that don’t care about those luxuries because they’re used to being offered those things. What I mean is that I date high quality women which are usually surrounded by guys trying to buy their love. Women of high quality want a man that actually offers real depth and awesomeness, something you don’t find in these ‘expensively tasteful’ guys. I think the issue here is all in the women that you’re going for.
I guess the ‘benefit’ of the woman telling you what she wants is that she is comfortable enough to share this with you and it might be a bit of a way to set her stall out as it were.
Different people want different things. Unfortunately, women have biological clocks so you might find the house and money element, a woman’s way of saying in a roundabout way that she is looking for someone to nest with.
I think if it’s a post sex conversation she may be really happy with how last night went and is showing that she is keen. High on endorphins and morning coffee :)
But, depending on the context of how you meet these ladies they might actually be romanticizing of a life with you in the long term as opposed to criticizing any aspect of your pay package.
Hope this helps.
Hi, I have BPD (however, the consultant I saw recently in the UK reckons I have relationship issues and I don’t fit in the BPD category as I hold a full time job?). I did try to explain to him that my boyfriend says I am abusive and that I oscillate between wanting to jump off buildings to having a joke about Fraser in the course of about an hour which I find exhausting and immature. I have read many articles about BPD and my thoughts are that if I don’t have BPD then I am a truly repugnant person.
Anyways, back to the point in your article. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to want to sleep with me. Excuses range from being tired (even though the night before he would stay up until 3am playing video games) to my personal favourite assuming that I had invited him to bed to have a chat and acting confused when I was frustrated that he didn’t pick up the hint.
Since we met he has sex with me mostly with his eyes closed. He’s the only man that I have slept with that does this and it makes me feel a bit weird like he is miles away or dreaming of someone with massive breasts (he occasionally watches porn with women with bad 90s boob jobs). As he does this he makes me feel very self conscious as my understanding is that most men are visual creatures (hence the love of porn) so the fact that he can visually jack off to bad 90s boob jobs but has to close his eyes with me reinforces that I must be repellent.
I have pretty small boobs so perhaps that’s why he closes his eyes. But before we met, despite all my faults as a person, I used to feel attractive and had enough self worth to convince myself that I was beautiful.
It doesn’t matter if I wear nice underwear, pyjamas with bunnies on them or walk about the house naked, my boyfriend still closes his eyes.
I have tried to talk to him about it and the first few times he looked teary and kept apologising and saying that he has a lower sex drive. He’s 38 years old, which is not exactly ancient. Anyways, even older folk have active, healthy intimate sex lives. He keeps saying that if there was something he could do, he would. However, I have yet to see him start popping any tablets (I’m being a bit flippant here) or even better still being intimate in other ways like having a bath with me, which I suggested.
When we talked about sex there was not one single sexual thing that he wanted to try with me. However, I know he watches porn where the woman is a cheeky mechanic helping the guy with his car. He said he is not that interested in role play. When I said I was and bought some handcuffs and a blindfold he never used them on me. Instead he wore the blindfold a few nights later to shut out the light from the curtains. He acted really surprised when I got upset about it as I felt he was almost ridiculing me for having shared a fantasy with him.
My self esteem at the moment is so low as I don’t understand what the point of being in a relationship without any physical intimacy is. I actually think maybe I should start getting botox but my boyfriend says I’m gorgeous which I find really confusing.
Despite having awkward passionless sex once a week initiated by me he still wants to make us work and wants to meet my Greek family (he’s met my mum in the UK).
I find it hard to know whether I am the root cause of the lack of sex (having BPD) or whether it is him. I keep wondering that perhaps the reality is that people will only enjoy sleeping with me when they don’t know I have BPD (or arguably know the parts of me that I struggle to control and loathe about myself).
I have tried to break up with my boyfriend several times as soon as he said I was abusive and explained that he can leave and if he wants I can explain anything to his friends and family to ensure that it is me that is at fault. However, he is still here.
Today we rowed again when I asked him why he hasn’t slept with me for 3 weeks and he punched the door. I said I don’t understand the anger when sex is a nice thing for two people and mutually beneficial. It’s not like I’m asking him to clean out the litter tray.
I don’t ask for possessions or anything like that in our relationships. I like memories. All I have ever wanted was for romance. I just want to go out on walks in the country, picnics, travel the world and have an adventure. I feel like someone has castrated me and sex is such a beautiful thing. Love is more than cups of tea and watching Game of Thrones on the settee, isn’t it? Surely, love is also two people making love together sharing something more intimate and precious where actions speak louder than words. Or am I just a dreamer? Or perhaps I am not in a position to ask for anything more because I have BPD/am a bad person. Perhaps this is the sacrifice? Years of being alone with passionate sexual encounters to having a loving partner who only wants to fuss me with my clothes on.
Oh and he is not gay (we used to live in the gay capitol of the UK) so there was plenty of opportunity there.
I would like to think I am sexually experienced but if there are things that I do that turn him off I can’t change if he won’t talk to me and resorts to punching walls and telling me he loves me?
Ultimately, I can’t change my personality or BPD (perhaps I can manage it better) and I feel my boyfriend just wants me to be someone else. I think that even without the BPD if I could make it all disappear I would still want to be in an intimate relationship.
I have massively overshared. Please try not to rip me apart. Perhaps I have come across as incredibly selfish. But, I would do anything sexual (to a degree) that he asked, however, how can I offer something for him when he is constantly rejecting me?
Okay so this is just my personal opinion. But your case saddens me. It is pretty obvious from your writing that you’re an intelligent woman. I don’t think you have BPD, just like that other doctor told you. I think the problem you have is due to you being around this loser of a boyfriend for so long.
Think of it this way: if you were dating a man who sees you as an incredible turn on, someone who loves having sex with you, would you be happier? I would bet everything I have to say yes. You would probably be much happier with your life. BPD or not, the fact remains that when two people have a healthy sex life, they’re happier.
Now I also understand that sex isn’t that big of a deal. But it is still a foundational requirement to a healthy, successful relationship. If you and your boyfriend had a great sex life, then we could tackle the other issues that you have. But at this time, to me it sounds like that a lot of your unhappiness comes from the fact that you’re in a relationship with a man who would rather watch porn and blindfold himself than have sex with you.
I would be pissed off too! So you need to get mad – not sad. He’s an asshole, he’s selfish, he’s a pussy most of all. If I were you, I would dump his lame ass and find a man who actually appreciates you and is turned on by you.