YOU: “Mmmm c’mon baby let’s have some fun..”
HIM/HER: “Not tonight, I’m tired and not in the mood.”
YOU: “You’re never in the mood anymore…”
I know it’s a simple example, but if you’re in a relationship where the sex is far and few between, then I really hope I can help you find some answers that you seek.
A relationship with little to no sex can be the start of a toxic journey down the drain. As I often teach on my blog, understanding the core issues of why this happens will answer your questions.
When it comes to the topic of sex in relationships, there really are numerous reasons of why your partner has started to decline your sexual advances.
When you’re involved in a toxic relationship, I know that sex can become a serious issue. You miss the honeymoon period where the sex was regular and exciting, and just really feels great.
The affection, the passion, the intimacy your partner gave you is something that you really grew attached to. And now your partner has seemingly taken that all away from you.
I’ve experienced this multiple times in my first relationships. It only made me feel worse about myself and took me a long time to break free from the hold that sex can have on you.
Over the years, my mindsets and beliefs have grown and changed for the better – while I’ve learned a lot about women and relationships, my knowledge and mentality on sex has changed a lot as well.
My plan with this article is to explain why relationships lose that sex drive. There could be a number of reasons for this so let’s get into it!
Sexuality Is Different For Everybody
What I mean by this title is that sex is not the same for any two people. We all have our own unique views on sex and it’s usually attached to our upbringing.
If you’ve been a reader of my blog for some time, you might recall how I commonly teach you to be open minded and aware of this fact: your partner has a past that’s different from yours.
We all grow up with our own unique experiences. For better or for worse, these experiences shape our beliefs. Sex is obviously a major part of growing up.
Simply put, sexuality in our lives growing up will shape the way we see sex as we get older. I’m telling you this so that you remember to think about your partner.
Sex isn’t just about you – it’s about two people coming together and sharing a pleasurable experience. While you may have had positive experiences with sex, your partner may have not. You simply need to be aware of this.
Forgetting this fact will cause you to fall into selfishness. Selfishness does nothing but create toxicity in your relationship and will only further deepen the sexual rift between you and your partner.
This is a simple tip but still very important. I’ve only scratched the surface so far.
Lack of Intimacy/Emotions
You’ve heard it a million times, but sex without real intimacy and that emotional connection is simply just terrible sex in my opinion.
One of the reasons why I never have a problem with sex in my relationships is because I’m a very intimate, emotional person (in bed that is).
When the day is over and I’m finished with my projects and tasks for the day, I really make the women I date feel good. I don’t ask for sex, I’m not needy. I know how to make women feel good about themselves and being with me. It only makes her desire me more.
Where most people go wrong with this is that they push their partner into sleeping with them. It practically becomes a chore just to get it on. It becomes a selfish act on your part and thus only turns off your partner even more.
I’m very much the type of guy that enjoys foreplay more than the actual act of sex. I can sit there and hold my girl tight against my body, running my fingers slowly down her body and back up again.
I can smell her hair and kiss her slowly and softly on her shoulders and eventually her neck while I cuddle her against me. I can do this with her with no intention of actually having sex.
I do this because I like having that intimate connection with women I’m dating.
It also really turns women on. And if you want me personal opinion, sex with a woman that’s really turned on is a lot better than sex just because you’re horny and want to get off.
My point with this section is that I establish my sexual relationships in this way. I never go into a relationship expecting sex just because I might want it.
Instead, sex happens when she’s turned on and really wanting me inside of her. She’s turned on emotionally and intimately, not just physically. The more you have sex in this way, the deeper the connection you and your partner will develop.
Make Sex Less Important For You
Now you may be in a relationship where you feel that the sex was intimate and emotional like that. But then eventually it fizzled up and went dry. A lot of people in marriages complain about this problem.
The answer to this problem is to look outside of the bedroom. What events unfolded in your real life that have led your partner to stop feeling that connection towards you?
One of the biggest mentality shifts I had as I was mastering my relationship skills is that sex really isn’t a big deal. I know this sounds crazy after hearing how much I enjoy turning women on, but I’ll explain why.
Out of all the hours and hours you’ll be spending with your partner, sex isn’t going to make up a big chunk of that time – at least, it shouldn’t.
I see sex as something that isn’t nearly as important as me and my girl’s own personal lives. We’ve both got our own projects and goals that we’re working towards and sex shouldn’t be getting in the way of that.
Because of this mindset I have, sex becomes a rare experience. I enjoy sex just as much as the next guy, but I make sure that it isn’t the center of my relationships. Therefore, sex becomes something we both look forward to – it doesn’t become the norm.
When I’m dating women, I never allow myself to have that honeymoon period that so many couples fall into. I go the opposite route and I actually see my women less (this is information straight out of my BPD Relationship Blueprint so I’m giving you the goods).
As much as I may like the girl I’m dating, I really only try to see her once or twice per week. I’m a busy man and I put a lot of effort in my businesses and projects and this website. Seeing a girl every day is just out of the question.
But when I do see her, it’s just always a great experience. There’s a lot to talk about and catch up on. Our emotions are always high in a good way and the intimacy is always amazing.
Sex Isn’t About Ownership or Entitlement
Since your relationship may be more serious than mine, the idea of only seeing your partner once or twice per week is out of the question, especially if you’re living together. So what do you do?
First things first is that you need to make sex less of an issue for yourself. Remember that the more selfish you are about sex, the more you’re just going to turn your partner off.
In other words, you need to work on yourself outside of the bedroom as I discussed above. You need to fix your mindsets, your beliefs, your bad habits – anything that’s causing you to turn your partner off.
One of the biggest problem people have is this idea that once they’re married or committed to a girl or guy, you’re almost entitled to having sex with that person. It’s just part of the deal you may think.
Well, that just isn’t how relationships work. Just because some guy or girl decided to commit to you doesn’t mean that they somehow owe you sex.
If you feel like that was part of the deal, then I’m glad to break this news for you because you really need to change that mindset. The only body you have claim over is yours. That’s it.
Your partner’s body is 100% there’s and if he or she chooses to never have sex with you ever again, that’s their choice. You can be as mad and upset about it as you want but it isn’t going to change anything. That’s the reality and you need to deal with that.
I feel like a lot of relationships go down the drain due to people having this mindset. The husband will be horny, telling his wife that needs to sleep with him.
Just recently a man posted a spreadsheet of all these different ‘excuses’ his wife had for not sleeping with him. This guy is such an idiot that he didn’t bother to think that maybe she just isn’t interested in him anymore.
Maybe if this guy actually worked on being that intimate, attractive individual he used to be she would want to give him some loving. But I guess that’s asking for too much…
Lack of Respect
That man’s wife simply lost respect for him. The fact he keeps a spreadsheet of all her logical reasons shows how little this man really knows. He clearly doesn’t respect himself so why should she respect him?
The biggest issue we all have in a relationship is self-growth. What I mean by this is that whether you’re in a relationship or single, you should always be improving and growing as a person.
When you get into a relationship with a man or a woman, this should not change your journey of growth and improvement. I really believe that you are disrespecting yourself when you aren’t working to grow as a human being.
The evidence of this fact is in all the millions of relationships that fail. In every relationship I see that’s strong and healthy, the man and woman have high levels of self-respect. They’re always enriching their minds and growing as a person, even into old age.
Sex is something that naturally happens and is a bi-product of this self-growth and self-respect. It’s not an experience of two mediocre, mundane people that are bored, horny and have nothing else to do.
If your relationship is experience a lack of sex, your #1 goal right now should be to stop worrying about it and focus on the other areas of your life that can be improved. Like I said earlier, sex isn’t really a big deal unless you make it one and feel like you’re owed some action.
The key to a healthy relationship and therefore a healthy sex life is to never forget who you are as an individual. If you lose sight of this, you’ll lose sight of your relationship. Sex will become the only thing you think that will keep it together. However, this only does the opposite…
This really is a big topic and difficult to tackle in one article.
I can go into specifics in future articles.
I really can’t stress how important it is that you stop making sex a big deal for you.
If your partner isn’t into it, there could be several reasons why.
Pushing for more sex, feeling like you are owed sex, is only going to make things worse.
Spend this time working on yourself. It’s the best medicine for this issue.
Or you can learn everything you need to know to “spark” that intimacy once again.