If you’re in love with a woman and think you need to pursue her, read this article before you fall into the friendzone.
I came across an article the other day about how if a man truly loves a woman, he won’t stop pursuing her.
If you’ve read any of my writings before, you’ll know how silly of a statement that is to make. Luckily, this article is on a blog for women so it’s not really designed for men to read.
Those types of websites try to give women good feelings. The author is probably a bitter women who is trying to cope with the pain of being dumped by her ex boyfriend.
I tend to write for both men and women so if you are a woman reading this, the same rules apply when it comes to relationships and pursuing someone you care about:
Don’t pursue or chase someone who doesn’t pursue or chase you back. It needs to be a balance where both partners are pursuing each other.
It should always feel natural when you’re in a relationship. If you feel like you’re always the one chasing and putting in the effort, then your relationship has an obvious imbalance.
This imbalance will lead to needy behavior on your part. Neediness is the most unattractive behavior in relationships and dating. It’s what causes most relationships to die a slow death.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
You must put your needy behavior to death or you will suffer the consequences. Failure to heed my advice will result in your partner pushing you away and rejecting you.
Should You Pursue After Rejection?
Which brings me to the first point of this talk: should you continue to pursue and chase when you get rejected?
Well, it really depends on the context of the rejection. If you two are healthy and happy, but she’s jokingly pushing you away when you want to sleep with her, by all means keep trying! Tickle her a bit and get her giggling for you.
On the other hand, if she’s being incredibly cold and sour towards your advances, then back off and give her a ton of space. Don’t touch her, don’t apologize, don’t try to make things better.
The best thing you can do when you get rejected in a cold way is to back off and be even MORE cold than she is.
It might sound like a game, but it’s really not. Some people need to be left alone at times. That’s okay and you need to respect that.
The worst possible thing you can do is pursue and chase someone when they clearly want to be left alone. It’s the same feeling you get when that employee at BestBuy slowly approaches you…
Now I don’t know if you’re currently in a long-term relationship or if you just met someone that you’re trying to see more often. There are different “rules” for these scenarios.
Plus, each relationship is unique so your pursuit or chase may be different from the next person. You might be dating someone who isn’t as turned off as someone else from it.
But what I can confidently say is that neediness is a turn off on a universal level. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating a crazy borderline type of person, or a normal, healthy adult.
Needy behavior is a turn off for all men and women. Chasing a woman falls under needy behavior. It’s okay to pursue a little bit, but it needs to be done correctly or else it will be a turn off and you’ll lose the girl for good.
How Do You Pursue A Woman You Want?
This logically brings us to the next step in the equation: if pursuing a woman will turn her off, then how do you get a girl that you’re dating to want to see you?
Now you might be thinking:
“Rick, we had an amazing date. But she hasn’t contacted me since. I want to reach out to her, but would that be chasing too much?”
When it comes to the beginning stages of dating, you only truly get one shot. If you fuck it up, you’re most likely done. But if you do it right, then you’ll be rewarded with a second date.
That’s really the way it is.
To make it even more difficult, quality women are rare. They have a ton of guys pursuing her. So, she can literally lay on her bed and scroll through her text messages and pick the guy she wants.
When it comes to dating, women have all the choice in the world while the guy’s have to sit back and wait for her to pick him.
This is just the reality and anyone saying otherwise (looking at you “pick-up artists”) are lying to themselves and to you.
The only exception to this rule is if you’re an extremely good looking man and you’re of very high status. Then, you might be in a position where you have beautiful women chasing you.
But that’s extremely rare and <1% of men in society ever reach that point. For the rest of us on planet earth, we gotta roll with the punches and accept reality. It’s a numbers game for us.
The best way you can get that second date is to simply avoid as many mistakes as possible on the first date. That way, as guy #45 acts a fool and gets rejected by her, she’ll think about you and (hopefully) reach out.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting 3, or 5, or even 7 days go by without reaching out to her. This is even more true the more pursued and chased she is.
Basically, if you had a good first date, the best scenario is she texts you the next day saying how much fun she had.
If that doesn’t happen, then you should wait 3-5 days before you reach out to her. When you do reach out, let her know you have a good time with her and would like to see her again. Ask her when she’s free to get together again and then get the next date.
What If Your Partner Is Rejecting Your Advances?
The next more difficult situation is you’ve been in a relationship for some time and your partner is rejecting your advances.
This scenario sucks because you could be living together or married. You haven’t had sex in 3 months and it’s destroying your relationship. It’s all you think about because you can’t stand sleeping next to someone who won’t fuck you.
What the hell do you do?
Well, a relationship without intimacy isn’t anything more than a platonic friendship. You might be close friends and know each other well, but it’s still a platonic relationship.
You’re getting a bad deal! You don’t get married and start a life with someone so that you can have sex once a month.
The whole entire point of getting into a serious relationship with someone is to fulfill each other’s needs. While I often say that regular sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, it’s still a requirement.
A relationship without regular, consistent sex is a relationship that will be full of toxicity and drama as the months go by.
If you’re in this situation, never beg for sex. If you’re chasing her and trying to convince her to sleep with you, she will pull back even more.
Begging for sex is extremely unattractive and it hands the other person all the power in the relationship. Your balls are no longer yours.
I know it’s frustrating, but you must STOP pursuing her, stop chasing her and act like you’ve moved on. If your partner is still into you, then she will most definitely chase and pursue YOU.
It’s not a coincidence that a lot of people who have gone through my training send me testimonials about how they stopped chasing and suddenly she wants him again.
This can be hard to figure out if you’re bad at reading people. One of my best friends is terrible at reading women. He’s a great guy, but his brain simply isn’t wired to read what a woman is thinking.
So, I always tell him to stick with the plan. Trust that what I say works. Go with your gut feeling most of the time.
If it feels like she isn’t into you, then you need to give her some space and back off for awhile. See if she starts to treat you better and chase you.
Does The No-Contact Method Work?
If your relationship gets to a point where you have the strength to end it, then the No-Contact Method is the best thing you can do.
However, most people get this wrong. They use no contact as a tactic instead of a principle.
What I mean by this is that you’re trying to weaponize it. Instead of going no contact because you truly want to move on and meet someone great, you go no contact hoping that your partner misses you and contacts you in a few days or so.
That’s the wrong way to go No Contact. Using it as a tactic will always backfire and create more drama down the road.
Instead, you only go no contact when you’re fully ready to end the relationship. You could always get back together at a later point, but you also need to be fully accepting that the relationship is over.
Sometimes, a break for several weeks or a couple months is needed. But, you may never hear from your partner again and you need to be willing to accept that.
The truth about attractive women is that they always have dozens of men ready to take her out. This is the case whether she’s single or in a relationship. These guys are standing by.
So, when you break up with her, she will meet all these new men and go on plenty of dates. Most men suck so she probably won’t like any of them, but she may meet a guy she really likes.
If that happens, you’re history. She won’t even think about you anymore. You must be willing to accept that and move on as well.
If you truly love someone, letting them go when they clearly aren’t that attracted to you is the best thing you can do for yourself and her.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
It is always better for the woman to be pursuing the man. Men who pursue and chase women are unattractive. They get rejected and dumped their whole entire life.
Tania Davis says
Will borderline men chase/come back if you give them space? I don’t know that it’s necessarily attractive for women to chase either.
Probably. But why would you want to be in a relationship with this type of individual? They need help, not a relationship. People with mental disorders should NOT get into relationships until they have developed themselves to a healthy point. But, because our society is all about blaming others and having no personal responsibility, they’ll likely never change.
Wayne LaPera says
In a quasi relationship with a BPD girl right now. It works for me because frankly I’m not capable of having a normal relationship. I may be high functioning BPD myself. We had a fight and she has gone dark. I have reached out most of the times in the past but this time I won’t be. I’m sure she will reach out and when she does do I act like nothing happed or do I call her out for not returning my call. (the reason I won’t reach out this time) I honestly don’t mind her going dark. I’ll I ask is she not give me the silent treatment and at least say “I need space right now.” I like seeing her every so often and want her to keep coming back.
If you’re having a fight, then you’re doing it wrong just like all the “normal” relationships out there. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. Big difference between lonely and being alone.
I almost cheated on my girlfriend with a mutual friend of ours one night I was really drunk.. I tried to kiss her, she stopped me, we both had a laugh and that was it.. Until this girl went over to my girlfriend and told her about what happened, changing some facts to make me look bad.
Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 years already. After this happened, she tried to figure out what happened but decided to break up with me because she really thought I cheated on her several times before (which is not true). After the breakup we met and had sex several times with lots of love and chemistry, then she went on a trip for almost a month, I texted her every now and then, regularly, sometimes that texting turned into sexting (she kept sending me nudes). After she returned from the trip we met and had sex, and I kept on talking with her by whatsapp.. Until yesterday when while having a phone call I asked her some straight forward questions that forced her to be clear if she wanted something serious with me or not.. She started crying, I asked is she wanted me to stop texting her or not because I didn’t want to harm her, she told me she didn’t know. The day after that happened I texted her to see If she was alright and she told me that things where not ok, but that she rather talk with me by phone or in person and not using whatsapp. But she keeps on telling me not to ‘go away’ completely with this kind of mixed messages. She keeps replying, in a sweet and caring manner. She even talks about her job insecurities and doubts with me. I think she is really hurt and trying to decide If she wants to be with me or not, because she cares for me deeply and even express it outloud, telling me I’m cute, intelligent and stuff like that. And we also have great sex together, there’s a great connection between us.
The question: Should I distance myself for a long period of time or try to talk less to her? (Every time we talk is me doing the first contact, but the rest of the talking goes on naturally once it started).
¿Or should I try something different? I believe I am a little too clingy sometimes and I also belive that maybe I am trying to rush the process too soon…
Looking forward for your reply, thanks in advance!
Greetings from Argentina
You messed up by trying to have those straight forward questions. NEVER do that. That’s the woman’s job. All you should do is just be the guy she can have fun with, until she falls in love with you again. So yes, text her less. Let her miss you. Study my training as I talk about this stuff all the time bro
Ok, my situation is a unique one….. I was married witha woman and we had two kids before she fell victim to a narcissist and drugs and we divorced and were not together for 5 years. 2 months ago she shed her narc and got sober and we immediately began communicating about getting back together. During this stay at home order she even basically moved in with me for 3 weeks and it was great. We had fun family time, we got along and had sex maybe 10 times in 3 weeks. All in all it was awesome. The last week of it she started getting a little distant and now her and the kids are back at her house. We still talk 4 or 5 times a day but she has expressed that she loved our time together as a family but realized that shes just not ready for a relationship. Keep in mind that it was her idea to start working on things again. I’ll admit she caught be by surprise and I got needy that first day telling her that I thought she wanted this and texting a lot and blah blah blah. After the first day I stopped making first contact and I let her initiate all conversations. Do I just stay patient and distant and let her come back on her terms or………?????.
Yeah you need to text her less often. Stop with the 5 times a day bs. Get that down to 1-2 times per day max. Just tell her you’ve been busy when you reply 5 hours later before going to bed
Hi Rick, your word choice sounds like me in a TV interview so it feels like you’ve been through everything I’m thinking about. Especially those pushy people at Best Buy. “No! You do not have the GOTY Edition of Skyrim. I said ‘Good day, SIR!'”
Really though, after reading this article and the other one about giving space I’ve learned as if my reflection was talking to me. My grandpa was a person who showed he cared rather than actually say the words and I’m pretty much the 90s kid version of him. He was more of my father because my mom who walked everything to do with me worked a lot and my actual divorced father wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve always blamed not knowing how to communicate or behave on lack of experience in dating and living in my unique sheltered life from little. But after today, I realize that my being forceful isn’t a person I really like so it’s probably a good idea to take my own space and build myself up. Believe me…I know this is cliche too…but I don’t think I’ll ever meet a girl like this one ever again. Even though she’s been used to her own agenda for so long and does appreciate my thoughtfulness, I did fall into the trap of getting carried away.
I saw a YouTube video I know she’d like and it would spark another lengthy text conversation, but from your teachings it’s probably best to wait and share when I’m in a better place. Even if we’re really just friends, she’s already been glad that I’ve tried new things after her tremendous kindness and help so I know this’ll work for the better.
Sorry this is long…unfortunately from my sheltered childhood I’ve got the horrible knack of talking people’s ears off.
I have been have been having relationship problems my entire life I always try to show I care about the girl im talking to so I make an effort to show her I care sometimes it feels like im chasing while she doesn’t try to text back anymore unless I do but that takes 4 hours of response time at best many of the women I talk to try to convince they aren’t worth it and act all cold and distant and treat me like im less just for being the kind person I am by providing support and care and my feelings for her
“ my question for you is should I stop chasing all together to communicate or should I find happiness being alone”
Well yeah you have to find happiness being alone before you can get women to want to be with you, unless you want to be stuck with low quality women. Keep in mind that your physical appearance plays a major role as well. If you’re just not that physically attractive, relationships will always be tough. No amount of “game” will change that