First of all, please don’t do the cucumber trick with your cats, lol. Apparently it’s a real instinct-based fear that might keep them from eating for a while :P
In this whopper of an article, you’re going to learn how to overcome your fear of failure when it comes to relationships and dating.
While fear is healthy for the most part, it can also cripple us to the point where it becomes destructive.
And that’s what I want to help you prevent.
My goal with this article is to increase your awareness so you can go to work on your own and conquer your own fears.
Even though my entire blog is centered around relationships and helping you make the best out of them, ultimately my blog falls under the self-help category.
Yeah, I know that’s obvious.
But have you thought about what self-help really means?
#1 is that it means you help your own self. Be SELFISH in a healthy way.
Far too many men and women buy book after book, read dozens of blogs and articles and forums, hoping to find some “magic pill” or some solution that is going to work instantly.
But that’s not how things work in the real world. If life was that simple, there would be no need for the 5 million dieting books out there – we’d all have the instant weight loss and fitness secret!
So, my point with this long introduction is for you to understand that no amount of books or therapy or courses or whatever will improve you unless you apply what you learn!
As I said above, the goal of all articles and books and courses you’ll ever come across should be to increase your level of awareness.
Once you’re aware of what NOT to do, as well as actionable steps to succeed, then it’s up to you to put these things into action.
This is the starting point of conquering your fears. So please take these points seriously and apply them to your life. You’ll see improvements in your relationships.
With Fear, It Doesn’t Matter Who You’re Dating
Much of my content is dedicated to helping people in BPD relationships. I’ve got friends that have BPD, I’ve dated women with BPD, and I consider myself a recovered Borderline/Codependent.
Despite all this, what I teach are universal truths – meaning that what I teach men and women apply to all sorts of relationships.
I teach what has helped me succeed in relationships over the years, and overcome the craziness that can occur in BPD relationships.
And when it comes to fears, I believe that many fears originate from a lack of core beliefs and values of your own self.
A lack of feeling that you are simply enough.
I truly believe that when your inner values, beliefs and mindsets are strong of realistic, intimate relationships become a much rewarding experience.
- People trust you more
- You’re genuine
- You’re authentic
- You’re true to yourself
- You’re not afraid of defending your values
- You don’t walk on eggshells
- You’re not easy to please
- It’s hard for people to bullshit you
There’s many more, but these are what I could think of off the top of my head.
And all of those things factors are very attractive traits when it comes to relationships.
Fears Are What Holds Us Back
The most common fear is the fear of failure (or the fear of success depending on your mentality – more on this later).
When it comes to people with Codependency, BPD, and other forms of insecurity, this fear of failure manifests itself into other fears.
The most common fears become fears of abandonment, fears of attachment and fears of rejection.
Depending on who you’re dating, these fears may feel new to you. They may be something you’ve never really experienced in past relationships.
If you’ve ever wondered why your partner gives you the hot/cold treatment, a lot of it has to do with these fears of attachment.
Much of our fear resides in our subconscious.
Our subconscious is responsible for 90% of our thoughts, behaviors, attitude and character – basically, it is highly responsible for the person we are today.
Your subconscious mind has been programming itself since you were a little baby. Much of the fears that you have are simply due to upbringing.
In other words, who you naturally are isn’t your fault. Your personality was developed during years that you had no control over.
Knowing this, much of these crazy experiences you have in your relationships are due to the subconscious reactions that are rooted in the past.
This is very important to understand because when your partner lashes out at you, attacks you, rejects you or hurts you, much of it is their own subconscious issues coming to the surface.
In other words, it’s important that you don’t take these things personally.
I know it’s easier said than done, but understanding this key point is fundamentally important to overcoming your fears.
It takes the responsibility off of your shoulders to please everybody, especially those that you love.
Much of our fears are due to us placing too much responsibility on ourselves.
We feel that it is our responsibility to make others happy, to not get rejected and so on. We ultimately want to control the entire situation.
We become dependent on the outcome.
And any outcome that we don’t want becomes something that we’re deathly afraid of.
So, the key is to not be outcome dependent. Knowing this, you can approach situations without fearing certain outcomes (such as your partner raging at you because that’s not something you can control).
If your partner is going to rage or go cold on you, that’s not your responsibility.
It could very well be your fault due to poor behavior and all that, but how they react is not your responsibility.
So overcome your guilt. You can always fix bad habits and mistakes that you’re doing.
This is WHY you should buy self-help books, courses, programs and so on.
They help you identify the mistakes you’re making in life, as well as what to do instead.
For example, above I just explained how being dependent on certain outcomes leads to fears. It makes us shake in our boots fearing that the outcome won’t be what we desire.
So, working on becoming outcome independent is something that you would want to work on going forward.
Now we can talk more about the actual fears and some additional tips to overcoming them :)
The Fear of Abandonment
Ah, the classic fear of abandonment that people love to just throw around and use as an excuse to why their partner doesn’t want to cuddle up next to him or her on the couch.
It must not be all the bad habits and mistakes that are plummeting your attractiveness value, right?
Of course not… (sarcasm).
This is the typical B.S. you see thrown around the internet on a daily. All this blame and finger-pointing instead of taking responsibility.
And I get it. In this age of entitlements and easy handouts, it’s easy to just blame others and make excuses and complain about the problems in your life.
The fear of abandonment is a very real fear that exists and causes problems.
But I want the finger-pointing and blaming to end. If you’re still holding on to this idea that your partner’s fear is the reason your relationship is failing, then any hope of recovery or improvement is out the window.
The fear of abandonment manifests in people at a subconscious level. This is important so remember this.
Nobody gets up in the morning and says to themselves “Well, I’m starting to fall in love and growing close to my partner, so I better push him/her away before things get more serious.”
Nobody says that. No one with BPD, or any other disorder, wakes up in the morning and rationally thinks that.
It’s a fear that manifests itself subconsciously due to upbringing.
If you’ve been dating someone who’s hot/cold, then you most likely fear this fear of abandonment. You fear your partner’s erratic behavior and pushing you away.
I know I did. I always feared what the next morning would bring.
Eventually, I learned that I can’t let this fear get to me. I can’t be controlled by something that is manifesting itself at a subconscious level.
Instead of trying to rationally help your partner feel warm for you, to not abandon you for a day or so, remember the core concept of these relationships:
Quit trying to control. When you control, you constrict.
When you feel that a wave of coldness is coming, put on your warm parka and let it come.
Don’t be the guy (or girl) that’s trying to win your lover back. It never works, never has, and never will.
Don’t go on message boards asking advice from other butt hurt, bitter men and women. It will only pollute your brain even more.
Just let the weather come. As with all weather, it changes. Cold snaps never last forever (unless you’ve shot yourself into Antarctica).
The Fear of Rejection
At this point, I hope you’re starting to see how all of these fears tie together. They all come from a fear of rejection.
The fear of abandonment manifests itself because it is easier to leave early than get rejected at a later point.
We try to control our partners and win the love back because the abandonment we feel is a form of rejection.
Most people hate rejection.
We’re afraid of public speaking because the crowd might reject us when we walk on stage. They may dislike our opinions, our voice, our body – or any number of things.
Either way, the thought of people turning away from us and not liking who we are and what we have is a huge fear that plagues millions and millions of people.
The fear of failure is too broad and generalized to say.
You have to really dig deeper into that fear, which is the point of this article.
So if someone says that they fear failing, then you ask WHY they fear failing.
If I were to ask you why you fear failing in your relationship, what would you tell me?
Maybe you fear being alone. You don’t want to feel unloved. You don’t want to die alone and unhappy. You fear that you’ll slip back into depression.
There are probable dozens if not hundreds of reasons why you and anyone else fears failing.
But all of these reasons usually root to this fear of rejection, this fear that we won’t be accepted, that we won’t be loved and so on and so forth.
It’s why a lot of men hate the idea of approaching women (and personally, I don’t advocate approaching girls simply because there are more efficient means to meet women).
You read any mainstream dating article, and they always talk about approach, approach, approach.
It’s easy to say, but so many men fear it. It’s classic marketing.
These “gooroos” talk about a fear that everyone has, so they present a simple solution (approach more women until you’re used to it), and people will pay over and over again to learn stupid, basic advice.
Classic marketing, like I said, and it’s made many fat-ass marketers into millionaires.
Feeding off of your fears.
So how do you really overcome the fear of rejection?
The answer is another one that I learned from the warrior mentality:
#1. Stop worrying about the opinions of others, because they don’t really give a shit about you anyway.
#2. Stop taking rejection personally. When somebody doesn’t like you, that’s their damn issues – not yours.
Rule #2 cannot exist until you have adopted and fully believe in rule #1.
If you fail to ingrain rule #1 into your overall attitude (there’s that key word again), your flawed ego will go into blaming mode when it comes to rule #2.
The fear of rejection once again manifests itself from the hope that you can control the many situations that you are put in.
But you cannot control others.
No matter how perfection your presentation is, you cannot control the fact that your supervisor’s cat just died last night and he’s on a mission to tear your ass down.
You cannot control the fact that your partner just heard through the grapevine that her ex from 5 years ago just got married.
Or that her ex is single again and wants to take her on an all-expenses paid trip.
Or that her ex is having kids with his new girlfriend.
And so on and so forth…
Things happen in our lives on a daily basis. Things happen to us and it affects our overall mood.
You’re going to get rejected throughout life. So get used to it.
So embrace it. Accept that is happens. Perfection is a myth and people will lash out to you, try to hurt you, push you away and so on.
Are you going to let these uncontrollable forces at work affect you?
Or are you going to roll through the punches and realize that every person on this planet has a lot of crap going on in their lives, they’re frustrated, tired, etc. and they simply decided to take it out on you?
At the end of the day, letting rejection affect you becomes a choice that you must consciously make.
This article is getting long so it’s time to bring it to a close.
When it comes to BPD relationships, all you have to do is visit the popular discussion boards. You’ll see post after post where people are trying to learn how to control the situations they’re in.
Based on what you’ve learned so far in this article, what happens when you try to control?
That’s right! You get pushed away even more.
There’s a reason my BPD Relationship Blueprint is considered the best, most relevant program in 2016 for relationships in our current society.
The world is in chaos and things are changing more rapidly than ever.
People are lost more than ever before, they don’t know who to trust, wars are popping up on the daily, technology is vastly improving, and so on.
I don’t even want to get into all the crazy drugs that these billion dollar companies are pumping out to numb our minds (a topic for another day).
The point is that I see personality disorders and craziness and fears rising at an exponential rate.
You’re free to disagree and think that the world is headed towards sunshine and lolly pops.
It’s your life after all and I encourage people to be open-minded, free-thinkers.
If fear is something you truly want to understand and conquer…
If you want to be more prepared and ready to kick ass in relationships than ever before…
Then I really want you to invest in the BPD Relationship Blueprint. It’s an investment, an insurance policy, into the well-being of your future. Learn more about it here:
– Rick Reynolds