The next article in the BPD series is about how you can improve your BPD relationship, no matter how toxic it may have become.
I’ve been personal coaching both people with BPD and non’s for years now. At the end of the day, improving your relationship always starts with you. You cannot expect your partner to just change.
However, as you change yourself and improve your self-esteem, your partner might be influenced to change as well. But this isn’t something you should focus on because it’s out of your control.
Because you’re 50% of the relationship, making improvements on your end is a requirement. Not only will it improve the relationship, but you’ll feel better about your own self as well.
This also means that you are most likely doing things that are making the relationship worse. You’re probably not even aware of these things. They’re usually bad habits that you’ve had since childhood which isn’t your fault.
However, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and improve your self-esteem. By doing so, you reduce your poor habits and errors that only cause more problems that turn your partner off.
The Worst Habit Is Reacting
The most common bad habit and error that people make is that they react too much to their partner. Whether your partner says something or does something, you react negatively.
Sometimes you react negatively when your partner doesn’t do something – such as return a text message that you sent hours ago. Or days.
Before I learned everything that I teach now, I was involved in several toxic relationships. I could never ‘figure out’ the women I dated and I reacted to everything.
If I didn’t have my texts received, I would become so worried and anxious to the point where I started to get depressed. I was so dependent on the women I dated that everything they did had a positive or negative effect on me.
This is classic Codependency and it’s something that’s very common with most people. Perhaps you never even knew you’re codependent until you started dating this new person. That’s usually how it works.
If you’re used to dating someone that just lets you do everything and essentially dominate him/her, then you’ll never learn about your weaknesses.
However, when you date somebody that’s more independent and less committed, such as someone with BPD, it can bring out all of these Codependent reactions from you. You’ll start behaving and thinking in ways you’ve never done before.
Like I said, this is common. The sooner you realize that you’re being Codependent, the sooner you’ll fix your relationship and get things on the happy track.
The major problem you want to fix are your reactions. You need to have greater control over your thoughts and emotions which directly influence the way you react.
If you find yourself overly attached to your partner, your life will revolve around this person and you’ll constantly be reacting which is only making the relationship worse.
Even if your partner is highly emotional and doing the opposite of what they say, that’s okay. I always teach people to look at actions instead of words. Words are weak and you can’t really listen to them.
When Your Partner Says Hurtful Things
In your BPD relationship, maybe your partner has made it a habit to say hurtful things to you. This is one of those things where you have to learn to not listen to words.
When people are in a highly emotional state, you really can’t focus so much on the words. If you react to the words and argue and defend yourself, you’re only giving up your own power and self-respect.
For me, I find it funny when people try to insult me or say hateful things about me. I think it’s funny because it is. I get a lot of haters that email me and comment on my blog and I find it hilarious.
So if your partner is hating on you, just first understand where they’re coming from. Most of the time, they’re jealous about something you’re doing. Other times, they had a bad day.
Either way, when people insult you it’s just a reflection of their inner anger. They’re angry at themselves, their self-esteem is low and it really has nothing to do with you.
So knowing this, when your partner is being hateful towards you, look at the bigger picture. Did your partner have a bad day? Are they not taking care of themselves? Is his/her self-esteem pretty damn low? Why?
These are the bigger questions to ask yourself when you’re getting hate. This doesn’t just happen in BPD relationships – it can happen in all relationships. I’ve dated women with BPD that never once said a hateful thing towards me. So it just depends on your partner.
Take Care Of Yourself First
The key to improving any relationship is to first take care of your self. This is especially true when it comes to BPD relationships.
This is where Codependents make their big mistake. 99% of the time, it’s the Codependent that actually caused the BPD relationship to fail. But they don’t realize this because they’re so focused on their partner.
Codependents spend all their time and energy trying to improve the relationship. But as a result, they actually push their partner away even more.
The more you try to ‘help’ someone, the more you indirectly send a message that your partner isn’t capable of taking care of him or herself.
Your partner will think you don’t respect him or her anymore and they pull away. They give you the cold shoulder and you’re left wondering what the hell you did wrong.
This is the classic BPD relationship because the people that struggle in BPD relationships are Codependents. If you’re healthy, independent and focused on your own life, you won’t even realize that your partner has BPD. It isn’t really an issue.
So on your end of the relationship, you have to heal your Codependent nature. It takes time, but nothing worth doing comes easy in life. It takes work like everything else and it’s why my courses are separated into multiple parts and sections.
The reason why I didn’t has drama or issues in my later BPD relationships is because I healed my Codependency problems. I didn’t even realize I was a massive Codependent until I looked into it years ago.
Once I got my mindsets focused on myself and improving my own well-being, all of my relationships changed. I now had high self-esteem, I was setting boundaries, I valued and respected myself and I therefore have a very positive, attractive vibe.
As a result, the women I date don’t really try to pull these emotional games and such with me. Before I’m even dating these women, they learn that I’m an independent man. This changes the entire dynamic of the relationship because I’m not dependent on her at all.
Controlling Your Emotions and Thoughts
I think the biggest part where people struggle is this transition from dependent thinking to independent thinking. You don’t want to become so closed-off that you can’t even be emotionally intimate. That’s bad.
Your goal is to gain the control over your own thoughts and emotions. You want to have a high level of self-esteem as this is what’s required to enjoy a healthy, long-term relationship – even if your partner has BPD.
But gaining this control isn’t easy. Most people have thoughts of worry. You worry that you’re not good enough, that you might be the crazy one, that your partner just doesn’t want you.
It’s these fears that cripple you. And it’s all in your head. It’s these poor mindsets and beliefs that cause you to remain Codependent without even knowing it.
But unlike all the other shit articles on the internet that tell you to just control yourself, I actually understand how difficult this process is.
Because you’ve been thinking and doing things a certain way for your whole life, you can’t just all of a sudden change the way you think. It doesn’t work that way.
You have to train yourself to think differently. You have to have real-life experienced of improvement that back up your thinking. It’s one thing to visualize success, but actually doing the success makes it concrete in your mind.
For me, I wasn’t able to make drastic improvements until I started keeping a journal. I wouldn’t even write the dates or anything. I just used it to write out my thoughts and emotions so I could see them on paper clearly.
This is also the best way to achieve your goals. When you write out your plan for the next several months, your goals become 100 times easier to accomplish.
BPD Relationship Improvement Starts With You
As I said at the beginning, improving your BPD relationship really starts with you.
The less you take things personally, the less you depend on your partner, the better the relationship. Independence is key.
You indirectly push your partner away when you depend on him or her. You might try to hide this dependence, but your body language and vibe gives your true nature away.
You can’t cover things up in relationships. The truth always comes out.
Often times when you’re confused why the relationship isn’t going the way you want it to, it’s because your partner is picking up a bad vibe from you.
Success in BPD relationships is really about getting your attitude and mindsets right.
It’s about becoming more independent and less codependent.
Most people don’t even realize they’re codependent.
The more you move away from your dependent habits and behaviors, the healthier the relationship becomes.
This is because your partner no longer feels that they’re responsible for your well-being, but instead that you’re someone that’s strong and loving for him or her.
It might sound a little advanced and too big for this article, but it’s really not when you start to work on this yourself.
But who do you want to be?
The same old crowd following, forum browsing, frustrated individual?
Or, the individual that has guts to do things differently from the status-quo?
Go here to learn more:
https://www.reignitethefire.net/bpd-relationship-blueprint/
– Rick Reynolds
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hailey says
Thank u so much rick I just wrote it all down in my journal cant wait to become a better gf to my now ex bpd bf. Ur awesome dude ur course is working he just started opening to me tonight!! Ty so much for ur help
Rick says
Great to hear! Keep it up and just stick with it. It can take time but remember to NOT let him boss you around. No more walking on egg shells okay?
Sandra says
Excellent article! I’m interested in breaking this cycle of codependency!
Rick says
Yeah it’s honestly a serious issue that most people struggle with and they don’t even know it. It’s just how our society is though.
Zane says
I’ve read a ton of your articles they are quite good but I am at a stand still right now in my current “BPD relationship” we had recently spent about 2 months apart to work on ourselves , at the time I didn’t really understand it so I chased for about a month.. read some more of your material.. stopped chasing and she eventually started warming up to me and initiating first texts and things like that , I didn’t really want to rush things but at the same time I told her just because things are going well between us , I don’t just want to “go with the flow” because that leaves people with false assumptions and or expectations. So I asked her if there was a particular reason she started contacted me .. ex- Were you lonely? were you looking just to hook up .. etc maybe I wasn’t supposed to ask these kinda questions but again I didn’t want to make false assumptions. She basically replied with ” I don’t know” basically she kept saying ” I don’t know” me being a typical guy said well “can you be more specific”.. she then reflected it on me and said “what do you want us to be” .. I said I wouldn’t be opposed to trying to start up again with healthier boundaries and better communication , because my only concern is trying to incorporate a person into your life when they don’t want to be apart.. treating a girl like your girlfriend when she’s not.. if that makes sense. Anyways she eventually went on to say “I don’t think we will work as a “couple” , I am very attracted to your touch/kisses and physically but I don’t just want to be your “sex buddy”.. then she says we can’t just be friends because she was always have feelings/ be jealous.. so then I say okay then were “nothing” which she replies “but I like being around you.. I’m confused” .. I then said ” so were nothing it makes it easier on you” .. this was via text not sure how that last text came off or if she took it personally but the convo just ended there.. To be honest I was a little bit frustrated at that point but it happens.. I’m not overly concerned about it but from a logical stand point none of it makes sense in my opinion at least.. I was just curious what you make of this and or if you’ve ever dealt with a “bpd” girl that is so indecisive/ unclear about her wants or needs.
Thanks.
Rick says
Bro, that’s every girl lol. That’s how girls will text. That’s not even a BPD type of text conversation because women want you as the man to make decisions. But at the same time, women also want you to play the game right. What this means to me is that I wouldn’t have had a conversation like this. I know that most women have trust and commitment issues. Knowing this, it really doesn’t do you any good to label the relationship. Remember how I say to drop labels? You are polarizing things. You two are either ‘nothing’ or ‘something’. That’s just a poor way of looking at things. You shouldn’t be making any assumptions at all. Assuming things and expecting certain things is what ruins relationships. It’s a codependent way of thinking. Instead, you should just enjoy things as they happen. No need to label anything. If she wants to make you her boyfriend, then you can go ahead and label. But until then, just enjoy her company and your self.
Zane says
Fair enough the only reason I polarized it or put a restriction on “all” or “nothing” because it’s gotten to a point where she will constantly block and unblock my #.. act like were best buds in person only to call it and be blocked… then unblocked and spoken to at a later date… she literally unblocked me had a convo with me.. then blocked me… when I asked why did you do that her response was “I was hinting at you to come over and you didn’t get it” keep in mind this was a random text out of the blue after being blocked for 2 weeks… so when I said I wouldn’t mind dating with healthier boundaries. . It’s trying to get rid of stuff like that which is just a behavior she learned through a previous relationship which wasn’t a healthy one according to her. She also spoke about letting me come to her which i do.. because I’m not going to text a blocked # ever day until it goes through but I guess she sees it differently.. But as you can see I’m not perfect I’ve slipped said things i shouldn’t of said pushed to hard sometimes but some of these behaviors of her trying to pop back in my life like its the good old days and nothings changed only lasts about a week maybe 2 and then she gets frustrated and hides through a blocked # when it’s not going as smooth as she believes has gotten out of hand.. alot of the time I think she just wants me to read her mind which isn’t possible.. I spoke to her about “no labels” in person yesterday she originally agreed only to disagree with it about 30 minutes later once I went back to my place.. she sent a text saying “I want nothing” .. I said a “clean break, or space? ” Of course she said something like “clean break “for now” .. always trying to leave the door open. I just said “well a clean break = closure like it’s done for good..” I’m not sure if she understands that concept but she said “yes” I didn’t resist to much at this point something like this isn’t new with this girl… so i just said your mind seems to change daily but I accept it night… I don’t think it’s the last of her but who knows the way her mind fluctuates. Your boy needs help. .
Rick says
As you can see, she has all the power. So you need to flip it and do a big move like telling her to block you forever, or better yet, you blocking her FIRST so she can’t message you lol. That’s what you need to do. Next time she messages you, turn around and block her! And don’t unblock her, leave her blocked forever until she comes over. You can say “Well come over and unblock yourself” That’s the move man, welcome to the game :)
tony says
I have kind of been in an on off r/s with my bpd ex for about the past 2 months just typical push pull stuff. . She would go away come back maybe after a couple weeks of no contact only to come back to reestablish some type of contact only to run away again (basically just leaving me in limbo). . Recently she said she no longer wants anything.. I seen her in person asked her why.. but she spotted a hickey on my neck (after she said she wants nothing).. the hickey is not from her… Am I a complete dog for even trying to talk to her now that she’s spotted that I did get with another girl(I didn’t come out right and say that but this is what she believes..).. or the fact that we weren’t in a verbally committed relationship change anything? I feel completely dead and buried in her world based on the past few days.. she doesn’t even want to look at me.. this is a fresh wound only a couple days but I know she or bpds will process this way different. it’s not the first time she’s pushed me away but it feels like the last… Is there any recovery.. At the end of the day I didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings but at the same time we weren’t together and I was just living my life while just trying to have lines of communication with her.. I know people with bpd and or people with strong insecurities think differently.. like now she believes she is no longer desirable or maybe it was just the push she needed..or maybe she marks that down as me being dis loyal or even cheating on her? I have no idea how she’s viewing this..
Rick says
This is similar to my first BPD relationship when I didn’t know what I was doing. I hooked up with another girl because we weren’t official. A few weeks later, the BPD girl tells me that she was extremely jealous that I hooked up with another girl. So it’s actually doing you a favor, lol. Just own it. Tell her that you two aren’t together, and as long as that’s the case you’re going to hook up with whoever you want. And hold strong to this. Don’t feel bad for hurting her feelings, you’re not even her boyfriend. Don’t let her guilt you. She’s only trying to guilt/shame you because that’s a reflection of her childhood. Don’t fall into that.
aSHLEY says
Hi Rick, thank you for all the content you’ve posted on this website. I’ve been reading straight through for about 2 hours and I’ve found much of it very helpful. One question though — my partner, who is without any kind of formal diagnosis, HATES my independence. It’s one of the most common things he criticizes me about: I’m too independent therefore I only think of myself and/or I don’t want to include him therefore I’m selfish. This is confusing to me because I thought it was one of the attributes that most attracted him to me in the beginning of our relationship… As a co-dependent person, I started to give up my independence to please him (big mistake, I know) which then resulted in him being angry with me for not having my own friends, always waiting for him to make plans, never taking the initiative, etc. I’m just not really sure how to deal with this back and forth. Your perspective is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Rick says
I mean my honest response to someone like this is to tell them to cry somewhere else. Neediness is such a turn off to me. And you’re a girl so I don’t know how you can even stand his neediness.
Kevin says
Rick – I use to be a total co-dependent but after reading your lessons, I’ve greatly improved. Actually, when things appear to be going well, I’m more likely to be very indepenent and not needy. Maybe I won’t feel the need to text her for a couple of weeks. But, surprise, surprise, when I feel the negative vibe, I may feel that uneasiness or anxiety. Though I am improving in those situations also. If she doesn’t respond to a text or email. I’m use to it and sometimes expect it. You described how you use to get bent out of shape when one of your old girlfriends didn’t respond to a text but learned to relax about it laster in your dating career. If you send a text or email but no response, what do you do? In their mind, they’re probably blocking (or for real blocking) for whatever reason. Would you wait a week or two before giving it another try. Im my experience my girlfriend, I won’t hear from her a week, two, or three. My attitude is: “if you don’t want to respond, fine. But, I’m not contacting you again until I hear from your first. If I don’t hear from you, then I assume we’re done, and that’s fine too.” No exclamation point with that thought, just “matter of fact.” Is that the right way to operate in your opinion?