The next article in the BPD series is about how you can improve your BPD relationship, no matter how toxic it may have become.
I’ve been personal coaching both people with BPD and non’s for years now. At the end of the day, improving your relationship always starts with you. You cannot expect your partner to just change.
However, as you change yourself and improve your self-esteem, your partner might be influenced to change as well. But this isn’t something you should focus on because it’s out of your control.
Because you’re 50% of the relationship, making improvements on your end is a requirement. Not only will it improve the relationship, but you’ll feel better about your own self as well.
This also means that you are most likely doing things that are making the relationship worse. You’re probably not even aware of these things. They’re usually bad habits that you’ve had since childhood which isn’t your fault.
However, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and improve your self-esteem. By doing so, you reduce your poor habits and errors that only cause more problems that turn your partner off.
The Worst Habit Is Reacting
The most common bad habit and error that people make is that they react too much to their partner. Whether your partner says something or does something, you react negatively.
Sometimes you react negatively when your partner doesn’t do something – such as return a text message that you sent hours ago. Or days.
Before I learned everything that I teach now, I was involved in several toxic relationships. I could never ‘figure out’ the women I dated and I reacted to everything.
If I didn’t have my texts received, I would become so worried and anxious to the point where I started to get depressed. I was so dependent on the women I dated that everything they did had a positive or negative effect on me.
This is classic Codependency and it’s something that’s very common with most people. Perhaps you never even knew you’re codependent until you started dating this new person. That’s usually how it works.
If you’re used to dating someone that just lets you do everything and essentially dominate him/her, then you’ll never learn about your weaknesses.
However, when you date somebody that’s more independent and less committed, such as someone with BPD, it can bring out all of these Codependent reactions from you. You’ll start behaving and thinking in ways you’ve never done before.
Like I said, this is common. The sooner you realize that you’re being Codependent, the sooner you’ll fix your relationship and get things on the happy track.
The major problem you want to fix are your reactions. You need to have greater control over your thoughts and emotions which directly influence the way you react.
If you find yourself overly attached to your partner, your life will revolve around this person and you’ll constantly be reacting which is only making the relationship worse.
Even if your partner is highly emotional and doing the opposite of what they say, that’s okay. I always teach people to look at actions instead of words. Words are weak and you can’t really listen to them.
When Your Partner Says Hurtful Things
In your BPD relationship, maybe your partner has made it a habit to say hurtful things to you. This is one of those things where you have to learn to not listen to words.
When people are in a highly emotional state, you really can’t focus so much on the words. If you react to the words and argue and defend yourself, you’re only giving up your own power and self-respect.
For me, I find it funny when people try to insult me or say hateful things about me. I think it’s funny because it is. I get a lot of haters that email me and comment on my blog and I find it hilarious.
So if your partner is hating on you, just first understand where they’re coming from. Most of the time, they’re jealous about something you’re doing. Other times, they had a bad day.
Either way, when people insult you it’s just a reflection of their inner anger. They’re angry at themselves, their self-esteem is low and it really has nothing to do with you.
So knowing this, when your partner is being hateful towards you, look at the bigger picture. Did your partner have a bad day? Are they not taking care of themselves? Is his/her self-esteem pretty damn low? Why?
These are the bigger questions to ask yourself when you’re getting hate. This doesn’t just happen in BPD relationships – it can happen in all relationships. I’ve dated women with BPD that never once said a hateful thing towards me. So it just depends on your partner.
Take Care Of Yourself First
The key to improving any relationship is to first take care of your self. This is especially true when it comes to BPD relationships.
This is where Codependents make their big mistake. 99% of the time, it’s the Codependent that actually caused the BPD relationship to fail. But they don’t realize this because they’re so focused on their partner.
Codependents spend all their time and energy trying to improve the relationship. But as a result, they actually push their partner away even more.
The more you try to ‘help’ someone, the more you indirectly send a message that your partner isn’t capable of taking care of him or herself.
Your partner will think you don’t respect him or her anymore and they pull away. They give you the cold shoulder and you’re left wondering what the hell you did wrong.
This is the classic BPD relationship because the people that struggle in BPD relationships are Codependents. If you’re healthy, independent and focused on your own life, you won’t even realize that your partner has BPD. It isn’t really an issue.
So on your end of the relationship, you have to heal your Codependent nature. It takes time, but nothing worth doing comes easy in life. It takes work like everything else and it’s why my courses are separated into multiple parts and sections.
The reason why I didn’t has drama or issues in my later BPD relationships is because I healed my Codependency problems. I didn’t even realize I was a massive Codependent until I looked into it years ago.
Once I got my mindsets focused on myself and improving my own well-being, all of my relationships changed. I now had high self-esteem, I was setting boundaries, I valued and respected myself and I therefore have a very positive, attractive vibe.
As a result, the women I date don’t really try to pull these emotional games and such with me. Before I’m even dating these women, they learn that I’m an independent man. This changes the entire dynamic of the relationship because I’m not dependent on her at all.
Controlling Your Emotions and Thoughts
I think the biggest part where people struggle is this transition from dependent thinking to independent thinking. You don’t want to become so closed-off that you can’t even be emotionally intimate. That’s bad.
Your goal is to gain the control over your own thoughts and emotions. You want to have a high level of self-esteem as this is what’s required to enjoy a healthy, long-term relationship – even if your partner has BPD.
But gaining this control isn’t easy. Most people have thoughts of worry. You worry that you’re not good enough, that you might be the crazy one, that your partner just doesn’t want you.
It’s these fears that cripple you. And it’s all in your head. It’s these poor mindsets and beliefs that cause you to remain Codependent without even knowing it.
But unlike all the other shit articles on the internet that tell you to just control yourself, I actually understand how difficult this process is.
Because you’ve been thinking and doing things a certain way for your whole life, you can’t just all of a sudden change the way you think. It doesn’t work that way.
You have to train yourself to think differently. You have to have real-life experienced of improvement that back up your thinking. It’s one thing to visualize success, but actually doing the success makes it concrete in your mind.
For me, I wasn’t able to make drastic improvements until I started keeping a journal. I wouldn’t even write the dates or anything. I just used it to write out my thoughts and emotions so I could see them on paper clearly.
This is also the best way to achieve your goals. When you write out your plan for the next several months, your goals become 100 times easier to accomplish.
BPD Relationship Improvement Starts With You
As I said at the beginning, improving your BPD relationship really starts with you.
The less you take things personally, the less you depend on your partner, the better the relationship. Independence is key.
You indirectly push your partner away when you depend on him or her. You might try to hide this dependence, but your body language and vibe gives your true nature away.
You can’t cover things up in relationships. The truth always comes out.
Often times when you’re confused why the relationship isn’t going the way you want it to, it’s because your partner is picking up a bad vibe from you.
Success in BPD relationships is really about getting your attitude and mindsets right.
It’s about becoming more independent and less codependent.
Most people don’t even realize they’re codependent.
The more you move away from your dependent habits and behaviors, the healthier the relationship becomes.
This is because your partner no longer feels that they’re responsible for your well-being, but instead that you’re someone that’s strong and loving for him or her.
It might sound a little advanced and too big for this article, but it’s really not when you start to work on this yourself.
But who do you want to be?
The same old crowd following, forum browsing, frustrated individual?
Or, the individual that has guts to do things differently from the status-quo?
Go here to learn more:
– Rick Reynolds