Originally written by Shark on May 11, 2011
A reader writes in:
“What do do/say once I approach a girl? Is this something I will just figure out/internalize after I’ve tried many many times? should I pay attention to things like IOI’s and all that pickup stuff, or just focus on having balls and doing/saying I want?”
It would border on insanity to try and make a full-proof script for cold approaching. All of humanity’s knowledge over seduction, game, love, relationships and etc can be summarized into two equations:
Alpha = What women want.
Beta = What women don’t want.
The specifics of an approach or technique don’t matter. If it’s Alpha, it’s legitimate.
If you try and read between every single detail, subliminal message, and IOI, you’re more than likely going to crash and burn from logical paralysis. Game is organic by nature. The calculative aspects you read about simply refine it into an art, they don’t extract its core essence.
If you’re fretting about having to overanalyze everything after being first introduced to game, don’t worry because it’s normal. If you find it exhausting at first to read IOI’s or systematically reverse awkward moments, it’s because you’re just not USED to thinking in that way. It would be like trying to speak in a new language. At first everything will seem choppy, out of place, uncomfortable, and you’ll have to “think hard” before you can do anything. Eventually you’ll internalize the entire process and begin gunning down hotties with fake titties across the street from your local church effortlessly.
Conversation is a skill, not an inborn talent. Talk to homeless people and old people, they always give good practice and they never mind the company. Combine that with natural confidence and you’ll be set.
And lastly, I know everyone in the game community says “just keep approaching,” but personally I think this is only half true. I know guys who approach every girl they see and just end up being labeled as the local Sesame Street Rapist. While infield experience is valuable, it shouldn’t replace everything else.
Foresight teaches gently, hindsight teaches brutally.
You don’t need to approach 1,000 times to know that girls don’t like men whose balls have mysteriously mutated into vaginas. You don’t need to approach 1,000 times to know that body language and tone of voice is more important than your audible expressions. And you don’t need to go through 7 cheating girlfriends to realize you need help.
Rick’s Additional Insights Into Approaching Women
So that’s what Shark has to say about approaching women that you want. It’s short and to the point. I agree with him on the fact that you don’t need to be one of these guys who approaches thousands of women.
In fact, my belief when it comes to approaching is that it takes two to tango.
For me personally, I never approach women. In all my years of dating attractive women, I might have approached one of them years ago when I was drunk in a bar. I honestly don’t remember that last time I approached a woman.
All the “pick up artists” would call me a fool and laugh at me. But, seeing that I’m way more successful with women and relationships that all these pick up guys, I think I’ll still to what works for me.
So why is it that I never approach?
Because dating is a two way game. It takes two people to come together and make something happen. Approaching a woman who has zero interest in you doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I like to live my life efficiently so approaching a bunch of random women just doesn’t line up with the way I operate.
But I am always dating attractive women. So how do I do it? Where am I finding these women who want me?
Most importantly are the social events I attend. I have several platonic girl friends who invite me out regularly to parties and events where other women will be at.
When you’re at an event like this, it’s pretty easy to meet like-minded women who share similar interests. It’s pretty easy to strike up conversations with women who are friends of friends and in your social circle. Talking about your core values and breaking rapport makes it pretty damn easy to get women interested in seeing you again.
And that’s really all you need to do. Stop thinking so far ahead into the future. Just talk about what’s important to you, what you enjoy in life, what makes you passionate and so on. If she connects with the things you’re saying, she’ll make it really obvious. From there, you can always set up a date.
It’s even easier to do this if you stand out from the crowd. I’ve told women that I’m going to Costco tomorrow and they should come with me for a grocery adventure. I actually do this quite often. It’s one of my favorite ways to ask a woman out. Every guy is busy trying to take her to a restaurant while I’m over here taking her to Costco. Of course she’s going to pick a Costco adventure over some lame dinner date (as long as she likes you).
And that’s really the key:
Don’t waste your time trying to date a woman who doesn’t like you.
This is simple logic, yet so many men ignore it and try to force women into liking him.
Here’s the truth guys: if a woman isn’t showing interest in you within a few minutes of talking to her, you’re wasting your time. Find someone else to talk to. Don’t waste time on women who don’t want you.
This is one of my major core values. I tell this to women in the very first conversations I have with them. I’m always talking about how I don’t like to waste my time, I don’t date women who aren’t fully into me, etc.
Having this core value and speaking it from the get-go has brought me zero drama in all my relationships since I started affirming this value. Most people don’t have this value. As a result, they end up in relationships with people who aren’t that into them and they eventually die.
It’s important that you talk about yourself more than the woman. Common dating advice is to ask questions and get to know her. Sure, that’s good and all when you’re on an actual date, but when you’re first meeting a woman, she needs to get an idea of who you are, what you stand for, and where you’re headed in life.
All in 5 minutes.
You do this by talking about yourself and keeping the ball in your court. If she likes what she hears, she’ll stick around. If she doesn’t like you all that much, she’ll bounce. No biggy.
This is simply MY way of approaching women, especially hot, attractive women. Cold approaching legitimate hot women doesn’t work in the real world. It might work at a bar or club when she’s had a few drinks, but in the real world hot women are never alone (and I have no interest in dating club girls).
If you want the hotty to notice you, you better know the people in her group, or be so damn good looking that she’ll approach you. But that’s not the case for 99% of us so you got to do things differently.
Best thing you can do is to make friends with a lot of women. Go to the parties and events they invite you to. Meet their friends and establish yourself as an all-around cool dude.