I’m NOT a fan of all those ‘get an ex back’ ebooks and lousy advice columns on the internet because they’re just full of junk advice written by people that don’t really have experience with this topic.
Seeing how I’ve gotten back together with multiple exes multiple times over the years, I feel that I owe you an explanation to how I’ve done it and how you can as well.
And no ebooks to buy from me on the subject. Just my thoughts on the matter and what I do personally that works for me.
Change Your Relationship Mindsets
If your ex has left you recently and you currently feel devastated by this, the common problem here is that you were probably the one putting in almost all the effort into the relationship.
You were bending over backwards for your ex and despite all this work you were doing, your ex didn’t really seem to pay you the love and respect you feel you deserve. And the more invested you are in something, the more it hurts when it’s taken away.
This is one of the biggest problems people have in BPD relationships. You get sucked so deeply into the relationship, trying to please your partner and gain that approval – and all of this effort you put in goes unrewarded.
But that’s where the problem begins. The fact that you feel you need to put in all this effort to get some kind of reward in return (like love) is one of the big reasons why your partner loses interest in you.
This is classic Codependency and is an unattractive personality that you need to seriously consider changing.
I know that your heart hurts and you feel that you probably did all you could to just be this great guy or girl, but in the end it IS NOT ‘being good’ that gets you this love – it’s being respected that gets you love.
This really is a big mindset shift for most people because while you may have heard this repeated over and over again, until you actually make it a part of your identity, you’ll continue to do the wrong actions such as trying to gain approval and satisfaction.
Having any chance of getting back an ex all starts with controlling your emotions. We live in a new age now where people are falling more and more into these codependent ways. And it’s devastating for relationships.
Stop Calling, Stop Texting, Stop Begging
The best micro ‘fix’ you can do for yourself right now is to cease the texting and talking to your ex. I know that you want to get things worked out, but if your ex has been ignoring your past couple of attempts, then any more attempts will just further push him or her away.
What you need to understand is that your ex doesn’t owe you a response (or anything for that matter) despite what you may feel or believe.
This is where a shift in your mindset comes into play once again. Believing that your ex should feel some sort of way about you or that you’re entitled to a response of some sort just isn’t reality.
Your ex doesn’t owe you anything. By thinking otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for more failed attempts at communication.
I believe this life rule is the #1 reason why I’ve actually never had a bad break up. I understand that the women I date are equally as human as I am and therefore I’m not entitled to anything. If she wants to leave me, that’s perfectly okay.
Because of this mindset I have, I’m still in contact with ex girlfriends to this day. I have girls that I dated from 2012 that still contact me and hang out with me occasionally because our relationships never ended on a sour note.
But I know this isn’t the case for everybody. Most relationships end poorly due to massive conflicts and clashes. But most of these conflicts and arguments don’t have to happen. And that’s why I’ve been able to see my exes again, sometimes hook up, sometimes date again. It’s just how it is.
So by keeping your hand off the phone, by not begging, fighting, arguing, being overall butthurt, you show through actions that you’re mature enough to let them go and carry on with their lives with very little drama.
In the future, just be sure to avoid common dating mistakes so you can have these healthy relationships even if you don’t end up marrying this person.
Learn To Move Forward
One of my most powerful core values is the belief that you must always be filling your mind with knowledge as this forces you to grow every single day.
By growing every single day, you are always moving forward. Who I am today is a better, stronger version of the person that I was yesterday.
This is a killer mindset that I live by and it’s highly responsible for much of the success I’ve experienced not just in relationships, but in my careers and connections and life in general.
So when I’m coaching someone that has just gotten out of a relationship, this is the very first task I set him or her on. Understanding the importance of adding depth to your mind is an essential task for moving forward and a great long-term goal.
By enabling yourself to move forward, all you’re doing is increasing your level of attractiveness. A big reason why my exes continue to follow me on Facebook and Instagram and all that is because they know I’m a man that grows. They can’t help but want to continue to watch my journey.
And sooner or later, I’m getting a ‘like’ or a message or a comment from them. These messages can end up leading to a meet up. Sometimes I agree to meet up which often times leads to you know what if I’m up for it.
But the great thing is that by being a man that constantly grows and has this knowledge, I have the power of choice. I can choose who to date. I have options just like the best women do. And I don’t alienate myself from women I’ve dated.
Women at the end of the day really want a man that has high levels of self-respect. It doesn’t matter what she says or all the different thirst traps she throws at people. Deep down she wants a man that truly gets it.
And the only way to truly ‘get it’ is to separate yourself from the common, thirsty crowds. You have to dig deep and build that depth of knowledge so you can be on that same level.
Learn To Be Independent
Most of the toxic relationships I’ve seen over the years are due to codependency and ‘nice guy’ syndrome. Over the years, I’ve begun to realize more and more how serious of an issue this is for people.
In my opinion, it’s a much more serious issue than BPD. I can see you shaking your head in disagreement but let me tell you why based on my years of experience…
People that are codependent are validation seekers. Their self-esteem relies on the approval of others. All you have to do to break the will of a codependent is to tell them that they aren’t good enough.
You don’t even have to say it. Just by ignoring a text from a codependent for a few hours can send them over the edge. Their insecurities take over and they begin to believe that your distance is an indicator that you no longer like them. Thus, they freak out and do stupid things.
A codependent is a people-pleaser. If they can’t fix it, they feel ashamed. The opinions of others dictates their life. They need your seal of approval to feel good about themselves because they rely on your validation.
By simply telling them that you don’t approve or that they aren’t good enough can send them into a state of depression. This is why people fear public speaking because they let the opinions of others control their thoughts and behaviors.
So in actuality, codependency is a very wide-spread, serious problem that needs a lot of attention. There are a lot of issues associated with codependency and it goes beyond just relationships – it’s basically about relations with other people, even people that don’t matter.
The best thing you can do for yourself if you’re a codependent is to learn how to be independent. This isn’t some mega impossible task as I went from a massive codependent to an independent, strong man in just a few years.
And that was without any outside help. It was all self taught through lots of reading and lots of research which I now bring all this knowledge to you on this blog and my membership program.
I know this may not be what you were expecting. You wanted some ‘techniques’ or strategies or whatever, right? But I’m a realist and you simply can’t get people to want you back by saying things.
Think about a boss at work that’s denied you a promotion. Do you think you’ll get it back by pleading and trying to explain yourself? No way. The only way you’re getting it is by proving you’re good enough down the road.
So understand that there’s nothing you can say to get your ex back. In fact, the more you say and do in hopes that you’ll get your ex back will only push him or her further away.
Instead, you need to change your mindsets. It’s why the majority of my training on this blog and in my free email newsletter is focused on this stuff. It’s why I’m still friends with most of my exes to this day.
We live in a new age. It’s 2015 and the times have simply changed. This isn’t the old age of man meets woman, woman likes man, woman and man date, woman and man get married.
It just isn’t simple like this anymore. People aren’t simple. The internet has changed everything (for the better) and if you want to succeed, you need to change your ways as well.
Thanks for reading.