I’m NOT a fan of all those ‘get an ex back’ ebooks and lousy advice columns on the internet because they’re just full of junk advice written by people that don’t really have experience with this topic.
Seeing how I’ve gotten back together with multiple exes multiple times over the years, I feel that I owe you an explanation to how I’ve done it and how you can as well.
And no ebooks to buy from me on the subject. Just my thoughts on the matter and what I do personally that works for me.
Change Your Relationship Mindsets
If your ex has left you recently and you currently feel devastated by this, the common problem here is that you were probably the one putting in almost all the effort into the relationship.
You were bending over backwards for your ex and despite all this work you were doing, your ex didn’t really seem to pay you the love and respect you feel you deserve. And the more invested you are in something, the more it hurts when it’s taken away.
This is one of the biggest problems people have in BPD relationships. You get sucked so deeply into the relationship, trying to please your partner and gain that approval – and all of this effort you put in goes unrewarded.
But that’s where the problem begins. The fact that you feel you need to put in all this effort to get some kind of reward in return (like love) is one of the big reasons why your partner loses interest in you.
This is classic Codependency and is an unattractive personality that you need to seriously consider changing.
I know that your heart hurts and you feel that you probably did all you could to just be this great guy or girl, but in the end it IS NOT ‘being good’ that gets you this love – it’s being respected that gets you love.
This really is a big mindset shift for most people because while you may have heard this repeated over and over again, until you actually make it a part of your identity, you’ll continue to do the wrong actions such as trying to gain approval and satisfaction.
Having any chance of getting back an ex all starts with controlling your emotions. We live in a new age now where people are falling more and more into these codependent ways. And it’s devastating for relationships.
Stop Calling, Stop Texting, Stop Begging
The best micro ‘fix’ you can do for yourself right now is to cease the texting and talking to your ex. I know that you want to get things worked out, but if your ex has been ignoring your past couple of attempts, then any more attempts will just further push him or her away.
What you need to understand is that your ex doesn’t owe you a response (or anything for that matter) despite what you may feel or believe.
This is where a shift in your mindset comes into play once again. Believing that your ex should feel some sort of way about you or that you’re entitled to a response of some sort just isn’t reality.
Your ex doesn’t owe you anything. By thinking otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for more failed attempts at communication.
I believe this life rule is the #1 reason why I’ve actually never had a bad break up. I understand that the women I date are equally as human as I am and therefore I’m not entitled to anything. If she wants to leave me, that’s perfectly okay.
Because of this mindset I have, I’m still in contact with ex girlfriends to this day. I have girls that I dated from 2012 that still contact me and hang out with me occasionally because our relationships never ended on a sour note.
But I know this isn’t the case for everybody. Most relationships end poorly due to massive conflicts and clashes. But most of these conflicts and arguments don’t have to happen. And that’s why I’ve been able to see my exes again, sometimes hook up, sometimes date again. It’s just how it is.
So by keeping your hand off the phone, by not begging, fighting, arguing, being overall butthurt, you show through actions that you’re mature enough to let them go and carry on with their lives with very little drama.
In the future, just be sure to avoid common dating mistakes so you can have these healthy relationships even if you don’t end up marrying this person.
Learn To Move Forward
One of my most powerful core values is the belief that you must always be filling your mind with knowledge as this forces you to grow every single day.
By growing every single day, you are always moving forward. Who I am today is a better, stronger version of the person that I was yesterday.
This is a killer mindset that I live by and it’s highly responsible for much of the success I’ve experienced not just in relationships, but in my careers and connections and life in general.
So when I’m coaching someone that has just gotten out of a relationship, this is the very first task I set him or her on. Understanding the importance of adding depth to your mind is an essential task for moving forward and a great long-term goal.
By enabling yourself to move forward, all you’re doing is increasing your level of attractiveness. A big reason why my exes continue to follow me on Facebook and Instagram and all that is because they know I’m a man that grows. They can’t help but want to continue to watch my journey.
And sooner or later, I’m getting a ‘like’ or a message or a comment from them. These messages can end up leading to a meet up. Sometimes I agree to meet up which often times leads to you know what if I’m up for it.
But the great thing is that by being a man that constantly grows and has this knowledge, I have the power of choice. I can choose who to date. I have options just like the best women do. And I don’t alienate myself from women I’ve dated.
Women at the end of the day really want a man that has high levels of self-respect. It doesn’t matter what she says or all the different thirst traps she throws at people. Deep down she wants a man that truly gets it.
And the only way to truly ‘get it’ is to separate yourself from the common, thirsty crowds. You have to dig deep and build that depth of knowledge so you can be on that same level.
Learn To Be Independent
Most of the toxic relationships I’ve seen over the years are due to codependency and ‘nice guy’ syndrome. Over the years, I’ve begun to realize more and more how serious of an issue this is for people.
In my opinion, it’s a much more serious issue than BPD. I can see you shaking your head in disagreement but let me tell you why based on my years of experience…
People that are codependent are validation seekers. Their self-esteem relies on the approval of others. All you have to do to break the will of a codependent is to tell them that they aren’t good enough.
You don’t even have to say it. Just by ignoring a text from a codependent for a few hours can send them over the edge. Their insecurities take over and they begin to believe that your distance is an indicator that you no longer like them. Thus, they freak out and do stupid things.
A codependent is a people-pleaser. If they can’t fix it, they feel ashamed. The opinions of others dictates their life. They need your seal of approval to feel good about themselves because they rely on your validation.
By simply telling them that you don’t approve or that they aren’t good enough can send them into a state of depression. This is why people fear public speaking because they let the opinions of others control their thoughts and behaviors.
So in actuality, codependency is a very wide-spread, serious problem that needs a lot of attention. There are a lot of issues associated with codependency and it goes beyond just relationships – it’s basically about relations with other people, even people that don’t matter.
The best thing you can do for yourself if you’re a codependent is to learn how to be independent. This isn’t some mega impossible task as I went from a massive codependent to an independent, strong man in just a few years.
And that was without any outside help. It was all self taught through lots of reading and lots of research which I now bring all this knowledge to you on this blog and my membership program.
In Closing…
I know this may not be what you were expecting. You wanted some ‘techniques’ or strategies or whatever, right? But I’m a realist and you simply can’t get people to want you back by saying things.
Think about a boss at work that’s denied you a promotion. Do you think you’ll get it back by pleading and trying to explain yourself? No way. The only way you’re getting it is by proving you’re good enough down the road.
So understand that there’s nothing you can say to get your ex back. In fact, the more you say and do in hopes that you’ll get your ex back will only push him or her further away.
Instead, you need to change your mindsets. It’s why the majority of my training on this blog and in my free email newsletter is focused on this stuff. It’s why I’m still friends with most of my exes to this day.
We live in a new age. It’s 2015 and the times have simply changed. This isn’t the old age of man meets woman, woman likes man, woman and man date, woman and man get married.
It just isn’t simple like this anymore. People aren’t simple. The internet has changed everything (for the better) and if you want to succeed, you need to change your ways as well.
Thanks for reading.
– Rick
Ben Coyne says
Hey Rick, not sure what you got up to on New Years but you’ve out in 2015 with some great material.
And the pace that you’re pumping it out also! On fire!
I found the re-write of the BPD program a lot more easier to absorb and I suppose you could say, modern?
Anyway good job.
Ben
Rick says
Thanks man! Yeah like I said this year’s theme is all about RELENTLESSNESS! I’m going hard, no fear and dropping the best. And the reason I’m putting the BPD success program online is so I can easily update it and just keep it relevant for this fast evolving time we live in. I already know that 2016 will be different from right now. Crazy huh!
Russ Schroeder says
Rick, great article and message inside getting your ex back. You are very in tune to what is REALLY going on with BPDs and Co dependents. You are right on target without question in this relational dilemma. When others say run from BPDs you say stand in there and cope and manage your way through the relationship. Get yourself strong and be independent. I get what you are saying. It’s helpful and liberating to learn what you say and recommend. You have made us aware and showed us the way through. The work is up to us. Thanks very much.
Rick says
Thank you :) Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you should just stick around if your partner falls into drugs or cheating or whatever. You also need to draw the line. But despite what you always hear, most people with BPD don’t fall down those paths. And those paths aren’t just limited to BPD.
luke says
Hi Rick, i admire your knowlege and your experience , but on this point, i will have to disagree , many BPD, fall into negative behavior patterns,like abusing drugs,stealing,physical and emotional assault etc etc, thats why they have a high suicide rate , and it is true that these same unhealthy and negative behaviors are also seen in the general population of people, but with BPD there is a higher chance in practicing these destructive behaviors, these facts have been supported by research by many studies done , but at the end the day i agree with you that we need to be responsible for our own action , for both BPD and non bpd, for a non bpd that accepts and takes abuse from a bpd,they need to look with in themselves , and do some serious inner reflection. By using your tools you provide on your website, and if needed therapy with a good license counselor , they can find out, why they lack a sense of, self of who they are, respect , self esteem , etc, to allowed to be abused by there BPD
Rick says
That’s fine, you’re allowed to disagree. All I’m saying is that not every single BPD falls into these destructive behaviors. It’s just a straight up lie to say that they all do which is what many people seem to think. But for every BPD that does become destructive, there’s a dozen more that aren’t and actually work every day on not falling down that path. My mindset is that you shouldn’t judge people. The sooner we all drop the BPD label, the better off everybody will be.
Mike says
Couldn’t agree more. After breaking up with my gf and the initial hurt I had a moment of clarity. I realized I became someone I’m not. I make all those mistakes of being needy, codependent, and being the one giving more in the relationship. The time off and educating myself with your material has put me back on track with my life and I’ve never felt better or been more clear. I realize now the huge errors I made and wish I could go back and slap myself. But the experience has taught me a valuable lesson, and I’m a better man for it. I thought the nc would be hard but I’m so focused on improving myself I really stopped thinking about the break up. It’s made it all much easier! Thanks Rick! Keep it up bruh!
Rick says
Yup no problem man glad you are understanding everything I teach. I still see guys 10 years later struggling because they’re so focused on ‘success with women’ that they never actually develop their own internal skills and knowledge. Everything is about women women women. And it’s no wonder they keep failing. Because women aren’t actually difficult to attract. They just want a normal, genuine guy that was an awesome life. Most guys can’t even develop that though. And the laws of attraction apply to EVERYTHING, not just women.
chasey says
Sadly don’t agree, BPD’s love you one minute hate you the next so how can ignoring them and stop pleading with them work?
Your history, muck on their shoe yet thoughout the relationship you have loved them supported them and been abused then dumped over nothing.
Their denial means everything is your fault so you get dumped.
You can’t reason, you can’t explain as they don’t see their problems.
It’s a living nightmare.
Rick says
Well since you’re obviously new to all this, just read a lot of my other articles and you’ll understand part of the system I teach here. You’re approaching this from the newbie viewpoint and that’s okay. Just stick around and you’ll get it eventually.
chasey says
I am not a newbie, been with/without the same bpd now for 7 horrendous years and have a 5 year old.
Some great times only if just me her and our son. She can’t cope with others…
If I do no contact, her loneliness means she finds love elsewhere and internet dating.
No contact means your looking after you yes and what makes you happy, but you still look in the rear mirror to see if she is returning to you and you aren’t able to move on in any direction.
If you do no contact then that just fuels their hatred of you as your not around caring for them and your history.
I was asked to move in for our son “as she wasn’t bothered”..on Tuesday this week. I said yes and that we would need to talk and discuss arrangements.
That was then greeted with leave her alone as she is dating on Friday..
She has serious mental health problems and abuses all around her…her parents know her issues but deny them and listen to her lies and distorted view of events and are fully supportive of her blaming me for everything yet her’s is the totally inappropriate behaviour…
Can’t see how no contact can help a future together…when she is desperate for attention from others and moves on to her next victim with no remorse or understanding of what caused the problems in the past.
Mental health professionals just say get her to come and speak to us….even when she was threatening to committ suicide…
Well how the hell will that work when in her eyes there is nothing wrong with her!
It’s a living nightmare with more victims to come…
Angela says
This is interesting and I relate to this conflict of “What do I do?”
I get pushed away when I try to stay engaged but then get told I cause him to be pushed away when I block him and put distance between us for healing purposes. I then get accused of him not being important and that I am just wanting to “move on”.
It gets so very confusing and I do start to mis-handle things… Like my emotions and allowing me to react to his reactions. It’s a vicious cycle that I want to stop!
Rick says
I think the first step is being conscious of your reactions. Understanding why you react, how you react, etc. And then from there, you can progress on making improvements :)
Jackson says
My question to you is , what’s your first course of action. . Obviously your busy with your own stuff trying to better yourself but do you go no contact for X amount of days? Do you wait it out and see if she reaches out or do you go limited contact maybe once or twice a week just so you stay on their mind? Thanks
Rick says
Depends on each situation. If you and your ex are still talking (which many people are), then you can see results pretty quick when you make these shifts in your life. If you’re not currently talking, then you just gotta do your own thing and keep working on yourself. In regards to getting back an ex, I am of the belief that you should not be hitting an ex up out of the blue. If you want to, then by all means go for it but I don’t support that. I believe you just need to always be moving forward, continually developing yourself and accepting responsibility.
Rodney says
Hey Rick! We spoke about 18 months ago in one of your paid over-the-phone sessions, and the mindsets you were just starting to discuss in your topics have reached another level now. I always feel better when I read your articles. I try to read them right before I go to bed, or right when I get up, because I want to retain this thinking. You are so 100% correct. It is so easy to get caught up in bad mindsets when that is how you have always thought. This happens ALL the time to me. I can honestly tell you that I am an attractive, intelligent, funny, talented guy who works on my body regularly. Has that made any difference with women? Nada. Why? My mindsets. I know that I lack fundamental self-respect/esteem. A lot of it is my upbringing, and some of it is past failed relationships. When women leave me, there is no reason, no explanation, nothing. They just leave and never come back (a few exceptions aside). LOL. I am laughing about it now, but boy does it hurt inside and make me feel worthless. You see, that is the BIG challenge for me; not letting it affect me, which I unfortunately always do. I think if I even had some modicum of success recently, I would be ok. However, I have had 0% success as of late. There was a time in my life where I was much happier, and I did have a decent amount of success in relationships, and actually caught a wonderful woman. But alas, I got lazy. I moved from L.A. to Chicago and thought everything would just fall into place. Boy, was I wrong! Why? I am not doing the things I did on the west coast that made me happy. Now things have never been worse. But it’s cool. I just got to stay on the path that I feel whenever I read you, and not let my bad habits and terrible, self-defeating mindsets get in the way. Great work as usual!
Rick says
Yup well bro you need that mindset of a champion. Every true champion in sports and business is all about these 3 things: self-development, self-motivation and responsibility. Take those 3 words and ingrain them into your head over and over and over and over and … you get the picture. It’s what life is all about and it’s the beliefs that breed success.
Braden says
Hey Rick. For the last three months i’ve been doing mission work in China, I had a girlfriend at the time and she rode with us to the airport and said goodbye. Once I got back we hung out a few times and it was all great. After the first week she started being really distant. I think had I read what you’ve been writing 2 weeks ago I may have been able to change before she left me. But through reading your articles and such, I’ve been able to see how I have been too codependant. And even though I see her twice a week at church functions, I really am okay. In fact i’m happier than i’ve been in a long time, because I understand what it means to not be dependant on people. Thank you for helping me to realize who I was, and showing me who I can be.
Rick says
No problem man, just keep up the positive attitude and just focus on your own growth and who knows, she may be calling you trying to get you out again.
dvozx says
I dated a girl i started loving, everything was great, we were in “the honeymoon phase” u mention. 4 months later she left. I was needy, insecure and started to show jealous sides of me, about her social media followers, likes etc. Well she left and after she left i did all the begging, sending flowers etc for a week or two. Now i’ve been into total NC for about 3 weeks. I’ve written her a letter that i plan on sending her after 1 or 2 months of NC. just a letter where i explain what i’ve worked on for the better, therapy i’ve done etc. And how much i regret my behavior and would like a new chance.
What do you think i should do? please help, i really need her back.
dvozx says
Id like to add that she deleted me and blocked me from social media and stopped answering my calls and texts the same night she broke up.
We dated for 4 months, we did everything together and literally lived together but not officially. She loved me and she said i hurt her so much by not showing her the trust she deserves.
Rick says
You need to work on your codependency. You say you need her which is very unattractive to women because women like men that don’t need her. No one likes to date someone that’s dependent on them, that’s just not healthy. So my advice is to work daily on your codependency and you’ll be good to go in the future. Maybe even your ex will want you back down the road, who knows? But yeah, don’t write her a letter or anything, she’s very creeped out by her. Just let her go for awhile. No letters.
dvozx says
Is the letter really a bad idea? How will she know that i’ve done progress and learned from my misstakes otherwise? She’s a stubborn woman that is older then me and I’m pretty sure she will never reach out to me. Her last words were “you can’t imagine how much you hurt me” And the reason i was starting to get more jealous and controlling was due to an earlier relationship that lasted 4 years and i was cheated on and lied to. I guess i never coped with the last relationship and brought the trust issues into the new one. And she noticed this and left me, she wants someone who trusts her.
How long should i stay in NC? Should i reach out to her after 2 month of NC?
thanks for your help man, great stuff you’ve written.
Rick says
Yes the letter is a bad idea. She is a woman. If she wants you, she will let you know. Until then, you can’t do anything about her feelings other than just work on yourself. If she comes around in a few months to see how you’re doing, then that’s when all your preparation will be put to the test. In other words, forget about her and focus on yourself. You have obvious deep Codependency issues so just work on these because you can heal them.
dvozx says
what do I have to lose? I’ve already lost her, apparently, I’ve forever lost my dignity and self-respect in her eyes, no amount of NC will ever change that. Chances of getting her back ever, are very slim if not impossible. She will never contact me, i know that because i hurt her and she is a stubborn girl.
So the 2 things that remain for me to do is either:
1. Stay in NC forever and never reach out
2. Send a letter to at least let her know all the progress and changes i’ve made, and then go back to NC and, stay in NC forever after that.
Rick says
The letter is to just really feed your ego though, that’s why I don’t recommend it. You just want her to like you again, but that’s now how the game works. If you want her to like you again, she has to desire you. If she doesn’t want to contact you, what makes you think she wants to read a letter from you?
dvozx says
Well it’s because i’ve been working on my self. Im hitting the 30 day mark of NC in a couple days, she hasn’t contacted me yet. And i know for sure she wont ever contact me. I did some dumb mistakes and took her for granted and didn’t show enough. So the letter is basically explaining what i went through before her, that made me do what i did to her, and what i’ve been working on since she left.
In what other way will she ever know that i care and that I’ve changed for the better? Should i call her after 2 months of NC or something?
Rick says
The way I see it is if she wants to talk to you, she will. A letter won’t change a thing. In fact it will only make her see you as creepy to be honest lol
dvozx says
Ok in what other way should i reach out to her? Is it wrong to call or text her after 60 days of NC ? Since we were together for only 4 months, i think anything more then 60 days is too long, she probably has gotten over and forgot about me till then
Rick says
Well what makes you think she wants to be with you in the first place? By all means you can reach out to her when you want. But she’s not going to want you unless she finds you desirable. So that’s why your task at hand should be making yourself desirable. That way, if you ever run into her, you’ll be giving off a great vibe and energy that she’ll be curious about. No amount of texting can do that for you.
dvozx says
She doesn’t wanna see me and she doesn’t live here. I know that she wanted to be with me until i screwed up with the accusations and trust issues,
Ive been going to teraphy for the last couple weeks and made great progress. I wish she would give me a last chance now,.Im planing on waiting 60 days of nc before reaching out? should i reach out via letter or call her?
Rick says
You should do what you want to do man. But believe me, if you make her a higher priority than yourself, she won’t want to be with you.
Roger says
Thanks for this great article. Wether I will reunite with my best friend or not, this gave me a mirror about my ownership in the friendship. I have been reading and posting on many BPD site and totally ignorant about my part in the falldown of a great friendship. My best friend pointed out some of the codepency traits in my personality, but in a rage, now I see it was he who had a clear view about my part in the friendship. I hope we will reconcile, but only when we both have taken that step in being better and more honest to ourself!
Rick says
Thanks for the kind words man. The first step to any sort of improvement is realizing that you need to improve. That’s the hardest step :)
Steve says
Hey Rick, I’ve bought your book and I’ve been reading the hell out it for the last week. It truly showed me everything I was in the relationship and that I do take 100% of the blame for my Codependency, I am a codependent. Now with my relationship, she always voiced that I made her feel not good enough and she’s held on to that for most of our two year relationship. There has been some inappropriate behavior on her part, always denied of course until I show her my proof and even then I’m the crazy one. I offered counseling for the two of and she showed up but at the end of the session she told me that she was not interested in continuing the relationship so she had no reason to go back, since then it’s been hot and cold up until last week when I caught her hugging and kissing another man. I then ended my involvement in the relationship and moved all of my stuff out. I had to stop by her house to pick up some mail, I went in got it from her then told her bye and as I’m leaving she sends me a text that she wants me to spend the night. I do and we have sex, the next day she made me something to eat and I left. She’s been texting me positive stuff even offering to drive an hour to do something together but I’ve been very short on the amount of texts I send back. I finally brought up that I still feel a lack of respect and that I feel she’s playing mind games, she said she isn’t trying to play mind games but that she’s missing me like crazy but she thinks she’s not the girl for me. She said she agrees that it’s not fair for me to deal with the wishy washy actions but that she’s given all she can and she just fell short, said that I want more than she can give and that she will stop talking to me. Well, that hasn’t happened, granted she’s a little more limited but you can read her excitement if I respond to something she sends. She’s given positive affirmations and also has shown a few signs of commitment and not just interest. I have this overwhelming feeling that she’s trying to manipulate me and I am asking your take. I know that’s it fear that’s holding me back and not wanting to end up butt hurt again but I’m not sure how to approach this.
Nico Cunigan says
Hey Rick, my Bdp girlfriend just broke up with me 3 weeks ago and went and spent the night with with one if her other lovers that same day. I tried to stand my ground throughout the relationship by setting boundaries and threatening to leave her whenever I caught her texting other men and send pornographic pictures of her body to them and offering them sex. In the end, mind you I broke it off with her three times, I got very insecure and needy and she ran from me, like I said to another man. After which, she moved out of town to go stay with her mom another city about 4 hours away. I recently, sent her an email of your blog on bdp disorder just to help her understand her condition because I’m genuinely afraid for her health and saftey. Do you think that was ok? Also she’s 22 years old and I’m 44. She was raised in foster care, her father is deceased, and her mother is a recovering Crack attick!
Rick says
Haha no that wasn’t okay. Trying to ‘save’ a woman is part of having that White Knight mentality. By sending her my blog, you’re trying to save her. That’s just unattractive and bad. She is an adult, she can take care of herself. So let her do her own thing. Don’t try to help her out. Women don’t want to be helped out! This is a really big issue because men like you who put women on a pedestal and try to help them out are the reason why women end up crazy with these entitlement issues. So please, STOP trying to ‘fix’ women. She can take care of her self.
Ian harris says
Hi Rick ,
I met my ex 18 months ago and boy has she hurt Me .
When I met her she told me she was a recovering alcoholic and that her last 3 boyfriends have been abusive , this actually made me want to help her . She had a ex that she met in AA that she finished with 3 weeks before we met . She would run him down saying he controlled her etc etc . She was prob 11 months sober and we had been together 2 months when she asked me to move in , she told me I was her soulmate and she had never felt this way we were both 36 I really was hooked on her now beautiful girl lovely house just thought things were perfect ……..
She then finds out her ex had been sleeping with her sponsor and crys on my shoulder I tell her it’s ok and I will look after her about a month later her ex knocks on door asking for her , he then drives down to her work and they chat , she tells me I have nothing to wired about but then find out they are texting ! She then chAges her number and suggested we get a dog , ok so now we have a puppy ?! , I thought everything was ok again until i go home for lunch one day and her ex is at end of our road ! Yes he now has her NEW number , I confront her but she blames fact he is persuading and guilt trips her cos he is ill etc , by this point I should of run a mile but I was in deep , another couple months go by and she decided she could drink in moderation so I tried to stop her but she has a couple cans , ok few months go by and she has a couple with me at weekends , things were looking good or so i thought , one day she went pub on her own and when i got there she seamed drunk I asked her how many she had and she said you don’t own me etc , ok I know that but not a normal situation! She then finished with me next day ! I was crushed !! I begged pleaded after a week she took me back ! Wait for it …. But she went over with out 17 week old puppy and slept with ex ! I was sick to stomach, but I said I could forgive but has to cut him off ! She promised she would , a few months go by things were good , then I go away for weekend 1st time in a long long time she picked fights over text when away and when I get back i asked her if she had heard from ex AA boy yes we have been in touch ! We ended up falling out and I was at my mates ….. She then wants me back promises to not speak to him again !! Four months go by and by this time my insecurities are rock bottom thinking anytime she can leave me again , we set up a business and a week into doing it …. She finished it saying she doesn’t love me any more and I am to needy !! I have to understand that we met to soon after her ex lol ( the one she slagged off )! We may have met to soon but didn’t have to tell me to move in I was the best man she ever met her soul mate you get the picture, I am in hell now 3 weeks on HELP
BHarris
Sam Barns says
Hi Rick,
I was broken up with a few days ago. What hurts is that I have spent an enormous amount of time working on my codependency and actually thought I was doing pretty well. I did at times express that it was hard for me that my ex couldn’t spend a lot of time with me (she was in a very intense school program) and I guess that was affecting her more than I knew and she ended it. I told her I wasn’t angry and that I wanted her to do what was right for her and we discussed a friendship. I told her I am still in love with her and would like to try some sort of staying in each other’s lives but I also don’t want to pretend to feel differently than I do. We agreed to maybe try a cuddly, loving friendship and to take a couple weeks of no contact to see how we feel. I know that I want to be with her, and I’m worried I can’t choose right now to not try and get her back. I know putting any pressure on her will have the reverse effect. For now I am hoping that having a friendship will allow me to see that she’s just a person, like me, and to flip my perception of the power imbalance. This is probably a horrible idea right? I just don’t know if I can give up on trying to get her back quite yet. If I’m not ready to give up on this, what can I do in the meantime?
Rick says
Yeah it’s a horrible idea. Never become friends with your ex. You should be like “Nah I don’t need friends. If you’re not interested in sex then I’ll find a new girl to date” and just cut her off from there, don’t reach out to her at all until she contacts you, but still never hang out with her EVER unless she wants to come over to your place and see you