If you’re in a dying relationship and trying to stop a break up from happening, then you’ll want to read this article.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
1) Be appreciative of the fact that you were able to have this relationship.
2) Understand that relationships fall apart when your partner loses attraction for you.
3) You must have goals and purpose that are beyond the scope of the relationship.
4) Relationships teach you a lot about yourself. They should make you and your partner better.
Relationships are worse than ever before. Couples are breaking up left and right, thanks to the hook-up culture that the feminists and dating apps that have taken the world by storm.
One of the most common questions I receive from readers is how to stop a break up from happening.
Wouldn’t that be amazing if you could wave a magic wand, shout some Harry Potter spell, and your relationship instantly fixes itself?
Such a dream…
The biggest sign that your relationship is headed for the dumps is when your partner is being distant, unresponsive, cold, etc.
Breaking up sucks, and it’s definitely one of the worst feelings in the world when you’re on the receiving end of it. So what can you do to prevent the relationship getting to this point?
That’s what I want to cover in this article. Hopefully I’ll help you change your mindsets a big and you can work on improving your relationships in record time.
Before we dive into the meat of this article, I have a free mini-guide that’s all about the #1 mistake both men and women make in relationships which cause your partner to break up with you.
You can grab this guide using the link below:
Got the guide? It’s really important because this mistake is very common and I guarantee you’re doing it to some degree.
Anyway, I’ll send it to your inbox so you can read it later. Let’s dive in.
1. Appreciate That You Were Able To Have This Relationship
Study after study has proven that satisfying, fulfilling relationships make us happier and healthier.
While I’m a big proponent of being happy and satisfied with yourself, you can’t argue with the science.
The truth is that nobody wants to go through life alone. While you can still have a great time being single, life is better when you experience things together.
One of the major problems in society today is a much-bigger-than-realized group of men called “incels” who struggle to get any sort of positive, healthy attention from women.
As a result, they hate women and spend their days living in bitterness — all because they can’t figure out how to get laid due to various reasons.
It’s a serious issue in our society today that I won’t dive into here. Just know that if you are able to have relationships, you are living life better than others. You should appreciate this truth because there are millions of men who would love to walk in your shoes.
Healthy relationships form when you attract someone who has strong mindsets, beliefs, values, positive energy, and similar to you in various ways.
After all, you attract what you project. If you can’t be your true, genuine self with someone you love, then the relationship will eventually die.
One of the key lessons I teach when you’re in a bpd relationship is to never change who you are. The Borderline will try to change you. If you break your boundaries, the relationship is over.
On the other hand, if you generally have a negative outlook on life, you’ll struggle to attract any attention whatsoever.
You’ll start to think that people are stupid, that women hate you, that you’re ugly, etc.
And you know what? Maybe you are ugly. But I have seen some ugly guy’s date attractive women. Hitting the gym and improving your appearance to the best of your ability will always give you the chance to date someone “out of your league.”
If you’ve been negative and bitter in your relationship, this could be a big reason why your partner is turned off.
No one wants to be around someone like this. And, if it’s your partner that brings this negative energy, it’s still your responsibility to not get sucked into it.
This is why you need to gain control over your emotions and not get dragged into relationship drama.
Women don’t keep score in relationships. You could do 10,000 great things for her, but all it takes is ONE needy mistake and she’s turned off.
2. From Turned Off to Turned On
When you do things that turn your partner off, your attraction level plummets. Do this enough times and your partner will resent you.
This is what leads to cheating.
A lot of men get mad and make the excuse that their girlfriend is crazy. But the reality is the woman lost interest and left.
Men, due to their ego, will rationalize and blame the woman for being crazy.
But, a happy woman who is highly attracted to her partner never cheats or acts crazy (even if she has BPD).
She might test him here and there, but that’s just the nature of women. Passing tests is easy once you understand why and how they work (which is what I teach in my podcasts and courses).
If you fail these tests that come your way, you turn your partner off. The legs shut. She won’t want to sleep with you.
Eventually, after failing enough of these tests, she’s going to start seeking out other (better) men who pass her tests.
When a man is able to see through her tests and pass them with flying colors, she gets turned on (often times instantly).
If you’re trying to get an ex back, this is when you got to take some time to analyze all the times in the relationship that you failed the tests.
Here’s a hint: if you argued with your girlfriend, you failed many tests. This is because men who understand and attract women (“alpha” males) don’t argue with them.
You need to be completely honest with yourself and think about what you have been doing that may have turned off your partner. If it seems like this break up just “came out of the blue”, then your ego is clouding your judgement.
I’ve been coaching men and women for years. There is always a reason the relationship reached a breaking point. People often come to me when it’s too late.
Quit thinking that your partner is playing hard to get. This is just a cover-up for the truth that your partner isn’t interested in you at the moment.
The best thing you can do to stop turning your partner off further is to give the relationship some space.
The law of attraction is real. You need to let your partner come to you on their own time. Don’t force the relationship.
3. Have Goals and A Purpose Beyond The Relationship
Most people these days don’t live a purpose-driven life. They have no goals or purpose. They go to work and come home.
People who are codependent struggle to find passions and goals outside of their relationship.
As a result, keeping the relationship alive becomes the only important thing in your life.
While healthy relationships make life better for everyone, you will not have a happy relationship if you don’t have personal goals and passion projects.
In fact, a big part of your overall attractiveness will come from your own personal hobbies, goals, passion projects and so on — things that have nothing to do with the relationship.
Women naturally want to be with a man that lives in his own world. He’s driven and living out his purpose.
This is struggling artists are often able to snag popular, attractive girlfriends. You see this happen often on social media.
I always recommend that people explore the arts and cultures of the world. Get knowledgeable about fashion, style, taste, health, business, music, traveling, food, music, books, etc.
By opening up your mind and expanding your horizons, you will find purpose in something.
Even if your passion is to develop video games, you can still date amazing women. One of my good girl friends, who is extremely attractive, is dating a successful game designer.
You can still be a nerd and get a hot girlfriend. Pursue your passion, no matter what it is.
You’ll know you’re truly passionate about it when you pursue it at the same speed, whether you’re single or in a relationship.
Most of the nice guys in society who struggle with the ladies will drop everything at any given moment to see their girlfriend.
This mentality is terrible, and you better believe it turns your girl off. Nice guys truly do finish last due to this reason.
4. Relationships Will Make or Break You
Relationships are a part of life. They will make or break you. You’ll learn more about yourself from a relationship than anything else.
Therefore, it’s important to understand that relationships are sometimes meant to end. They serve their purpose and you move on.
If your relationship isn’t making both you and your partner a better person, then perhaps it’s best you two go your separate ways.
Relationships are a team. You two should be growing and becoming better versions of yourselves.
If you’re not, then the relationship needs to end. You shouldn’t try to continue something that isn’t making both of you better.
Since you have plenty of time for yourself now that you’re single, spend time improving your self and your world.
This improvement in your attitude is exactly what will turn people ON instead of turning people off. How can you turn people off when you’re pumped up about yourself all the time?
This is how you escape depression. It’s hard to be depressed when you’re excited about life and the goals you’re pursuing.
You don’t want to live a life where you’re old, lonely, and full of regrets. I know I don’t. So what I did for myself is I went to work. I started reading a lot of books that talked about mindsets and people that had these great mindsets.
I found myself a lot of inspirational people to learn from. To develop similar mindsets and beliefs.
Always be expanding your mind. This is how you grow and open up which makes you incredibly attractive. Who wouldn’t want to date someone that is so genuine, honest and full of opinions?
Don’t be afraid to be opinionated. I know that the Left-wing tends to attack people with different opinions these days, but don’t be afraid of them.
The Bottom Line To Stopping A Break Up
Whether you can actually stop your break up or not depends how turned off your partner is. You need to spend some time to think deeply a bit and see if you completely turned that dimmer switch off.
If that dimmer switch is still on, then you still have a shot at recovering your relationship. However, understand that it can take time and breaking up still might be the best action for now.
Time heals wounds, as they say. Give the relationship some much-needed space.
The good news is that breaking up isn’t the end of the world.
You need to use this time wisely when you’re single. It’s during this time where you need to get down to business and go to work on yourself.
Turning your partner on can take some time because turn offs are much more powerful in a negative way.
If you want to improve yourself and learn how to develop the skills necessary to turn your partner on, then check out my coaching podcasts right here:
https://www.reignitethefire.net/Academy
You’ll learn the mindsets and the techniques that thousands of my clients have been using over the years.
Philip Mansfield says
I been with a woman on and off and on and on between. She’s been a roller coaster of emotions, I stuck it out as I looked past all her flaws. I have a feeling she has BPD. In my life I been working on starting my bussines on my own and living as a minimalist as I collected my retirement and my parents are my business partners as well and I help help my mother take care of my father so I have alot to do as I work on my trailer. Even though it’s taken about two years. It’s been a long distance relationship with this woman. I always made time to visit her as she did as well
She moved quickly into the relationship the first five months ..then she expected me to get a job or make a deadline and the relationship depends on it. One day she’s fine emotionally then the next day she spirals to the point that she thinks I’m lying and not wanting to work or look for a job or what not.
I told her you can’t expect anyone to stop chasing and working on their goals .
She always apologizing when she’s gets mad and has serious trust issues.
So when I decided to get a part time job and I’m bout ready to open my bussines . I tried to tell her I’m telling the truth that I’m doing all these things so I can keep the relationship alive.
Then she gets mad and lonely and upset that it’s taking too long and couldn’t handle the wait .
One day she says she loves me dearly then the next day she’s extrem depressed and says she not feeling anything and that I’m not showing that I love her. Then few days later she loving again .
Bout two weeks ago I finally land a part time job and my business is finally wil be ready to open to the public after two years of hard work. She been my motivator , I love everything bout her even with emotions. She’s four years sober now and still battling severe depression and cries a lot bout being alone and lays in bed too much.. Haven’t spoken to her since she sent her last text to me as she said ” hope bout you contact me when you’re indepent and self supporting. I’ve been those two things . She just couldn’t bring herself to believe as she felt if I love her I would’ve gotten a job or move along ago.
so after I get the job and thing coming together as I planned and doing my things that makes me happy. Yet I do still love her and miss her dearly , I felt it was a good time to email her for the first time since January was when she sent the last text.
I haven’t give up on her as she has all the space on the world as she replied saying that she still finds life challenging and needs to get her head correct and hope to improve and she thinks of me often and fondly.
I was happy to know that she is working on herself.
She have broken up with me two times .she always came back to me after few months.
I continue to do things that I been wanting to do and be happy. I’ve always let her back In my life .
I would do it again yes .
Yet I still get a stuck feeling . So I keep myself busy between work , school and my bussines . Busier Iam the better I feel.
Rick says
Well your mindsets are very incorrect. Women DO NOT care about men being a provider. Women DO NOT care that you run your own business. So the fact that you told her you’re doing this all for her and the relationship was a very terrible thing to say. In her mind, she now thinks that you’ve put all this responsibility on her shoulders. That’s just a very poor message you have sent to her. It’s a major turn off for any woman to hear this. This is why I teach the correct mindsets because you have very poor ones that turn women off. Your mindsets are old and outdated and DO NOT attract women. In fact, they push women away such as you’re experiencing. This is not a bpd issue at all so you need to remove that thought from your head. Understand that this is purely just poor mindsets on your part and you need to change them.
It’s not the woman that needs to work on herself. It’s you. YOU need to work on yourself. That’s why she sent you that reply. She is sending you a message that you better change your thinking soon or I’m going to be gone for good. So get to work on your mindsets :)
L says
I wish I would have found this site about 12 months ago before I was involved with someone with BPD. I found it insightful and to look for warning signs in future relationships. One thing I would like to add is that being in a relationship when you are 50 verses one when you are in your 20s or 30s is quite different. These are turbulent relationships and take a lot of maintenance. If you have that kind of time to spend then great. As you stated relationships are 50/50. However I do not believe that is the case when dealing with a person that has BPD. I am a very independent person who requires there own space as well as someone with BPD. You can say I have my own life so I understood better than most these characteristic traits of this disorder. However, a person can only do so much to make things works and keep themselves sane in the process. Educate yourself as this site does that in laymen’s terms and then you have to ask yourself what is best for you the person at the other end dealing with it. BP men and women have wonderful qualities that is why we like them, but don’t lose yourself in the process of dealing with it. There are many others who will love you the way you want to be loved.
Rick says
Yes, this is good advice. Got to take care of yourself first. But that’s not even a BPD issue as this is the problem with most relationships these days. Most people just don’t take care of themselves anymore.
Zoellick says
How do you resolve conflicts or arguments with ex girls/friends/girlfriend who seems to have a selective memory. . Basically arguing my real story vs her fake/twisted story? I really don’t know how to solve or cope with it.. its like without factual proof or a mediator there is no way to “win” an argument with her… she sees it how she wants to see it , it’s incredible.
Rick says
Lololol yeah it’s a waste of time to try to argue and defend yourself, just shows her that you’re insecure if you have to keep defending yourself. Just be the bigger man, tell her to believe whatever she wants to believe and that you’re just going to live your life and do your thing. Tell her that when she stops talking about the past, you two can be friends again.
vinay rajput says
i was in long distant relationship with a girl since 8 months.she breakup with me because of i didn’t called her continuosly 8 days.problems started when she was in home. She didn’t called me 8 or 9 days Even she remain online.also she didn’t called me when she was going to college via train located 600 km far apart from her home after vacation.due to this i am frustated. When i called her when she was in train she angree on me. after that when she reached hostel.i called her there’ little bit fight between her and me. I had said aggressively u cann’t called me even u remain online.and i disconnect phone and said i am going to sleep.and after that i didn’t called 8 days continuosly.what i do to resolve matter.she blocked my fb account nd my no in blacklist
Rick says
I just don’t really support long distance relationships. I think most people should avoid them. You have to be really secure and comfortable with just being yourself and doing your own thing, or else they never work.
vinay rajput says
I love her most. I can’t leave her. I had waited that girl since 4 years. I have decided to go to her city and stay there for 1 month. please tell me what should I do to get her back. should I talk to her friends so that they can convince her to meet me to talk at least once. I am very deadly serious about that girl. I don’t want to lost her. I can do anything for her. I want to marry her.please suggest me what should I do get her back.I know that she also loves me.BT I think her roommates misguided her that I don’t love her.
Rick says
You can’t force a girl to want you… When will you guys learn? It’s 2015. You want a girl to want you back, then make the changes you need to make to be desirable in her eyes again.
Irina says
Rick, If a BPD partner is extremely jealous once in two days, wants to break up, then comes back, always accuses in stuff which doe not matter at all and says that it will be me who will leave him.
At first i reacted negatively to all that, it was quarrels, then i got tired of quarrels and start to call first to talk. Now he simply waits for me to come all the time after his burstouts and put it up. Before he could wait three days maximum, couldnt work, was all miserable, then used to call, cry and beg not to leave him, now after 2 years we are together, its already a week or two of no contact, he keeps going to work, everything seems without change, he removes that he is married on his fb and i suppose, maybe lies to me and communicates with someone else (we live separately), waits for me to get in contact. When i call him, at first he is so happy and loving again, then starts to accuse that “i got disappointed in “my new lover”” and came back to him, starts to extremely accuse and attack, then everything is good again for a week, or two days etc. Last time when i said i will get back to my job, he got unhappy and said that he needs a submissive wife. I lost control and said some angry phrases, then he just blocked me. Next day unblocked, waited for me to message him first, i didnt, so he blocked again. Its such a pattern, but further, it gets worse i see, and worse for me ) He started to manipulate, lie and seems to stop care so much.
Reading all your replies to previous comments, i would really appreciate if you would express your point of view what i have done wrong here. As a girl.
Thanks!
Rick says
I don’t think you’ve done any wrong. You need more self-worth. He’s just being an immature manipulative douchebag, which is typical of these types of guys. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a dramatic dude like this? He either needs to change, or you need to leave! He should be the one chasing YOU — not you chasing him.
Sara says
Love the way you write and the topics are spot on for me. Long story as short as possible: been with my ex for 10 years. Two years in his sex drive dropped off – normal I guess. We are both recovering alcoholics. We drank together for three years, got sober on the same day and have been sober for six years. Both are active in AA. His twin brother died from a heroin overdose four years ago and he hasn’t seen his son or spoken to him in three years because his crazy ex wife has convinced the world he is an abusive monster (actually she has munchausin’s). He spent ten years fighting her in court and finally gave up. It was BRUTAL. I’ve been working Alanon and Coda as well. He has not. I’ve grown and matured in many ways he has not. I got my degree. He does not. I had an awesome job making more money than him. I got let go. Collected UE and decided to start my own business. Went through a good deal of my savings but I’m starting to have some good success. He broke up with me in June – two months before my father died of lung cancer. We got back together. He broke up with me again two months after my dad died. He says he’s sick of supporting my dreams. He’s addicted to gaming. Bad. Plays every day all day long and it’s active even while he sleeps. We both had tough upbringings. He seems more narcissistic than codependent but seems like he might have both tendencies. I don’t know for sure. We were engaged for four years. He said he expected us to be married. He only wanted sex like twice a month. I wanted more. It was always an issue since two years into the relationship. He’s severely depressed with suicidal ideation – bad. He doesn’t sleep well – major RLS and sleep apnea. He’s got some health issues he waited and waited and waited to address. Classic midlife crisis symptoms. He’s going to counseling three times a week. I do love him. I think some part of me is still holding out hope. I feel like if he quit playing that stupid game he would wake up and realize he’s got a good life. We are both good looking people that care a great deal about how we look. I am a successful branding and marketing professional, I’m a great artist and pianist, I’m a really good cook, I love camping and outdoor activities, we love the same movies. We are best friends. I just don’t understand why he would break up with me when he’s lost damn near everything else. He has zero friends. His mother is an active alcoholic, his sister is mean and neurotic to the point that she doesn’t talk to anyone in the family. Crazy. Crazy. Should I just let go of this guy or should I wait to see if he can address his issues and quit gaming? Appreciate your thoughts. Peace and success to you in 2019.
Rick says
Best thing to do is not be in a relationship with this person. People with mental problems should NOT get into relationships. They’re just not fit for it. They need to develop themselves further so that they’re capable of what a relationship requires. A relationship needs constant sex, good communication, good rapport, attraction, and more smaller things. People with mental problems with always struggle in several of these areas, thus why they shouldn’t get into relationships.
You can be this person’s friend, maybe even hook up from time to time, but never commit to anything serious with them until they are actively seeking help and trying to improve their lives.