One of the most important lessons I teach people is this: you need to give her some space. Let her come back to you on her own terms.
It’s a very simple lesson, yet incredibly difficult to follow if you’re in a codependent relationship.
The reasons for this is obvious: as a codependent, you struggle to be alone. You feel like you need your partner to be with you or else life sucks.
Giving her some space feels like the last thing you want to do. Instead, you want to pull her in more because you feel like it will make things better, right?
I want to tell a quick story about a relationship I had when I was younger. It was one of those types of relationships where you look back and wonder “what the hell was I thinking?”
I don’t see myself as any better than you or anybody else for that matter. It’s why I don’t label or judge people and is a big part of what I teach.
Understand: what I teach is nothing new or revolutionary. I have studied the most brilliant minds over the last 100 years and came to these conclusions through my experience.
So far, the results speak for themselves.
Like most people, I had the wrong mindsets for many years. I was needy and dated women out of boredom. I thought that being a nice guy would get me a girlfriend. I would bend over backwards to show my how much I cared.
Because of this poor mindset, I always dated women that would take advantage of my weak mental state. And, you can’t really blame them. I allowed this poor behavior to exist.
Instead of backing off and giving her some space, I would instead try to do more to get the girl to want me. This is classic codependent thinking and it results in toxic, unhealthy relationships.
So today I want to talk about why mindsets and giving space to your partner is key to a healthy relationship.
Most people who are have codependency issues are pushing their partner’s away through their behavior. You might not want to admit it, but it is your fault.
Being aware of this mistake, and avoiding it in the future, is a major part of finding success in your relationship.
Toxic Relationship After Toxic Relationship…
My first few relationships were with women that I fell head over heels with. Toxic women with BPD to be exact. But did BPD really matter?
The reality is that, like most people, I was using BPD as an excuse for my failing relationship. Instead of taking a good, hard look at myself, it was way easier to just blame my partner and her BPD as the reason for the failure. After all, taking zero responsibility for things is really easy…
But what I learned over the years (and evident from my later relationships) is that BPD isn’t nearly as serious an issue as people make it out to be. It just simply requires a change of mindsets in order to be in these types of relationships.
But this is actually the case for every type of healthy relationship. Without the correct mindsets, you’ll just continue to see things in a fixed, narrow-minded view and your relationships will always suffer for it no matter who you date.
I didn’t see these facts back in the day. I was too focused on the relationship and trying to make it better. I was always reading articles on BPD and trying my best to learn how to date these woman and get them to love me again.
I refused to look at myself and see what I could change about me that would make it work. Instead, I was always just looking up techniques and whatnot that I could do when certain things happen.
As most people have experienced, it just doesn’t work out this way and these women went on to break my heart – but looking back at who I was, I don’t blame them. I was a codependent fool.
Giving Space Is Part of Being Healthy
One of the biggest mistakes I made in my early relationships was the poor mindsets that relationships are all about being close to your partner.
It’s a codependent belief. It’s that basically you should always be seeking closeness with your partner. And if you agree with that, let me explain why this is a poor mindset.
The reality is that closeness is not supposed to be a conscious goal of the relationship. Closeness will naturally happen when you and your partner have natural, real chemistry.
This means that once your hormones and emotions have died down (aka the honeymoon period), if you and your partner consistently grow and evolve together, then you have natural chemistry.
But this reality is based on whether you and your partner share similar mindsets and beliefs. This is why I constantly talk about what the healthy relationship mindsets are.
When you have a poor, weak mindset, you tend to always be trying to gain this ‘closeness’ with your partner. You do things, say things, behave in certain ways that are trying to bring you two closer together.
But instead of growing the relationship, often times you end up pushing your partner away. Why? Because deep down, humans subconsciously know that relationships and chemistry happen over time. It’s biological.
To make matters worse, when you try to ‘give your partner space’, it ends up backfiring because you’re only giving him or her space with the hopes that they’ll just come back and want you again. It’s this hot/cold behavior that people are always talking about.
Interesting right? This is why poor mindsets are just that – poor.
So How Do You Give Your Lover Space?
So with that said, the question becomes how you correctly give space to your partner.
My answer to this is that you don’t focus on ‘giving space’. You instead focus on ridding yourself of the poor, codependent mindsets and instead focus on developing strong, independent mindsets.
This means that you need to spend less time worrying about the relationship and more time worrying about yourself.
I know this truth more than anyone. I was as codependent as anyone can be. So when I decided to make the massive change and become who I am today, it only fuels me to teach people about it.
In my early relationships, I spent all my time trying to learn about BPD and how to make it work. So the only reason I would ever give space to my partner was with the hope that it would make my partner be closer to me.
It was such a poor way of thinking. I wasn’t really giving space. I was going against what I wanted to do with the hope that my absence would draw her closer.
And yeah, this would work at times and my partner would wonder why I was suddenly unresponsive. It would appear that my ‘giving space technique’ worked. It was my reaction to her cold behavior so I could make things ‘hot’ again.
But the reality is that this is just a poor way of handling the bigger, deeper problems – mainly my poor mindsets. And as you are probably well aware, eventually it stops working all together and your partner goes cold permanently. You’re done.
If I was instead someone that actually had good, independent mindsets, I would never have to worry about playing these hot/cold, ‘give her space’ games. Why?
Because at their core, women are drawn to mentally strong, able, independent men. When you’re codependent with poor mindsets, people subconsciously pick up on that and it eventually becomes a major turn off.
Because being strong and independent is so damn rare these days, people are drawn to those like this. It’s very attractive at it’s core on a biological level.
Ok But How Is This Related To Space Again?
I know this can come off quite confusing. Maybe you came here looking for some tips about giving space or whatever other reasons you have.
But the best tip I have for you is that giving space to your partner isn’t based on some technique or ‘No Contact Rules’ or whatever else is out there on the internet.
I don’t believe in any of that magic pill, techniques, routines, pick-up line bull crap that plagues the internet. These just become band-aids to a bigger issue that needs to be fixed.
What needs to be fixed is your belief system and the mindsets you have.
I’m not a guru or some superior teacher. I’m no different than you. All I am is an example of someone that figured this out and completely changed myself over the years. I’m a much different person from who I was 5+ years ago.
This is because I dropped my poor, fixed mindsets and learned about what actually makes a relationship work in the real world.
And in 2016, our world is chaotic. People are more “connected” than ever through social media channels, but also more alone and depressed than ever.
The reason why my relationship training is so effective is because I am constantly improving it and adapting to the changes of this rapidly evolving social world we live in.
What worked yesterday won’t necessarily work today. Old rules become obsolete and new rules replace them.
So the idea of ‘giving space’ to a lover isn’t really something that becomes an issue. As an independent male, I don’t need to give space because I naturally am an individual that appreciates space and distance.
I understand that relationships aren’t about seeking closeness. Instead, they’re about letting that chemistry naturally develop over time. Closeness and true love cannot be forced.
So if your partner is telling you that they need space, you need to look beyond the words at the bigger picture. What they’re actually saying is that they don’t feel the chemistry. They don’t feel the connection. The love just isn’t there right now.
So yes, backing off is the best thing to do for now. But you shouldn’t be backing off with the idea that your partner will miss you and want you back…
Instead, take this as a sign that you need to develop your own independent nature. What can you be doing for yourself that will develop yourself, that will increase your quality of life?
These are the questions to ask yourself when you encounter issues like this in your relationship. These are hints from your lover that the spark is fading. So you better get moving fast.
It’s NOT about what you can do for your partner. It’s instead about what you can do for YOU. Because that’s what your partner truly wants.
You’ve Got To Learn The Correct Relationship Mindsets
This is definitely a different way of thinking and isn’t your common ’10 steps to giving space’ type of article. This is really much bigger than that.
My goal with this blog and my programs is to teach people about these relationship mindsets that make you into a great partner in general.
This is so you don’t even have to worry about giving space, or what to say next, or what to do when your partner does this and that…
Everything I write about, everything I do is about teaching people these growth mindsets. It’s to enrich your mind, help you to think bigger, to drop that ego and to truly connect with others.
Understand that the bigger your belief system, the greater mindsets you have, the more you begin to connect with your lovers and truly understand them on a deeper level.
As my favorite mentor always says, “You change your thinking, you change your life.”
My goal is to change your life as I have changed mine.