One of the most important lessons I teach people is this: you need to give her some space. Let her come back to you on her own terms.
It’s a very simple lesson, yet incredibly difficult to follow if you’re in a codependent relationship.
The reasons for this is obvious: as a codependent, you struggle to be alone. You feel like you need your partner to be with you or else life sucks.
Giving her some space feels like the last thing you want to do. Instead, you want to pull her in more because you feel like it will make things better, right?
I want to tell a quick story about a relationship I had when I was younger. It was one of those types of relationships where you look back and wonder “what the hell was I thinking?”
I don’t see myself as any better than you or anybody else for that matter. It’s why I don’t label or judge people and is a big part of what I teach.
Understand: what I teach is nothing new or revolutionary. I have studied the most brilliant minds over the last 100 years and came to these conclusions through my experience.
So far, the results speak for themselves.
Like most people, I had the wrong mindsets for many years. I was needy and dated women out of boredom. I thought that being a nice guy would get me a girlfriend. I would bend over backwards to show my how much I cared.
Because of this poor mindset, I always dated women that would take advantage of my weak mental state. And, you can’t really blame them. I allowed this poor behavior to exist.
Instead of backing off and giving her some space, I would instead try to do more to get the girl to want me. This is classic codependent thinking and it results in toxic, unhealthy relationships.
So today I want to talk about why mindsets and giving space to your partner is key to a healthy relationship.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
Most people who are have codependency issues are pushing their partner’s away through their behavior. You might not want to admit it, but it is your fault.
Being aware of this mistake, and avoiding it in the future, is a major part of finding success in your relationship.
Toxic Relationship After Toxic Relationship…
My first few relationships were with women that I fell head over heels with. Toxic women with BPD to be exact. But did BPD really matter?
The reality is that, like most people, I was using BPD as an excuse for my failing relationship. Instead of taking a good, hard look at myself, it was way easier to just blame my partner and her BPD as the reason for the failure. After all, taking zero responsibility for things is really easy…
But what I learned over the years (and evident from my later relationships) is that BPD isn’t nearly as serious an issue as people make it out to be. It just simply requires a change of mindsets in order to be in these types of relationships.
But this is actually the case for every type of healthy relationship. Without the correct mindsets, you’ll just continue to see things in a fixed, narrow-minded view and your relationships will always suffer for it no matter who you date.
I didn’t see these facts back in the day. I was too focused on the relationship and trying to make it better. I was always reading articles on BPD and trying my best to learn how to date these woman and get them to love me again.
I refused to look at myself and see what I could change about me that would make it work. Instead, I was always just looking up techniques and whatnot that I could do when certain things happen.
As most people have experienced, it just doesn’t work out this way and these women went on to break my heart – but looking back at who I was, I don’t blame them. I was a codependent fool.
Giving Space Is Part of Being Healthy
One of the biggest mistakes I made in my early relationships was the poor mindsets that relationships are all about being close to your partner.
It’s a codependent belief. It’s that basically you should always be seeking closeness with your partner. And if you agree with that, let me explain why this is a poor mindset.
The reality is that closeness is not supposed to be a conscious goal of the relationship. Closeness will naturally happen when you and your partner have natural, real chemistry.
This means that once your hormones and emotions have died down (aka the honeymoon period), if you and your partner consistently grow and evolve together, then you have natural chemistry.
But this reality is based on whether you and your partner share similar mindsets and beliefs. This is why I constantly talk about what the healthy relationship mindsets are.
When you have a poor, weak mindset, you tend to always be trying to gain this ‘closeness’ with your partner. You do things, say things, behave in certain ways that are trying to bring you two closer together.
But instead of growing the relationship, often times you end up pushing your partner away. Why? Because deep down, humans subconsciously know that relationships and chemistry happen over time. It’s biological.
To make matters worse, when you try to ‘give your partner space’, it ends up backfiring because you’re only giving him or her space with the hopes that they’ll just come back and want you again. It’s this hot/cold behavior that people are always talking about.
Interesting right? This is why poor mindsets are just that – poor.
So How Do You Give Your Lover Space?
So with that said, the question becomes how you correctly give space to your partner.
My answer to this is that you don’t focus on ‘giving space’. You instead focus on ridding yourself of the poor, codependent mindsets and instead focus on developing strong, independent mindsets.
This means that you need to spend less time worrying about the relationship and more time worrying about yourself.
I know this truth more than anyone. I was as codependent as anyone can be. So when I decided to make the massive change and become who I am today, it only fuels me to teach people about it.
In my early relationships, I spent all my time trying to learn about BPD and how to make it work. So the only reason I would ever give space to my partner was with the hope that it would make my partner be closer to me.
It was such a poor way of thinking. I wasn’t really giving space. I was going against what I wanted to do with the hope that my absence would draw her closer.
And yeah, this would work at times and my partner would wonder why I was suddenly unresponsive. It would appear that my ‘giving space technique’ worked. It was my reaction to her cold behavior so I could make things ‘hot’ again.
But the reality is that this is just a poor way of handling the bigger, deeper problems – mainly my poor mindsets. And as you are probably well aware, eventually it stops working all together and your partner goes cold permanently. You’re done.
If I was instead someone that actually had good, independent mindsets, I would never have to worry about playing these hot/cold, ‘give her space’ games. Why?
Because at their core, women are drawn to mentally strong, able, independent men. When you’re codependent with poor mindsets, people subconsciously pick up on that and it eventually becomes a major turn off.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
Because being strong and independent is so damn rare these days, people are drawn to those like this. It’s very attractive at it’s core on a biological level.
Ok But How Is This Related To Space Again?
I know this can come off quite confusing. Maybe you came here looking for some tips about giving space or whatever other reasons you have.
But the best tip I have for you is that giving space to your partner isn’t based on some technique or ‘No Contact Rules’ or whatever else is out there on the internet.
I don’t believe in any of that magic pill, techniques, routines, pick-up line bull crap that plagues the internet. These just become band-aids to a bigger issue that needs to be fixed.
What needs to be fixed is your belief system and the mindsets you have.
I’m not a guru or some superior teacher. I’m no different than you. All I am is an example of someone that figured this out and completely changed myself over the years. I’m a much different person from who I was 5+ years ago.
This is because I dropped my poor, fixed mindsets and learned about what actually makes a relationship work in the real world.
And in 2016, our world is chaotic. People are more “connected” than ever through social media channels, but also more alone and depressed than ever.
The reason why my relationship training is so effective is because I am constantly improving it and adapting to the changes of this rapidly evolving social world we live in.
What worked yesterday won’t necessarily work today. Old rules become obsolete and new rules replace them.
So the idea of ‘giving space’ to a lover isn’t really something that becomes an issue. As an independent male, I don’t need to give space because I naturally am an individual that appreciates space and distance.
I understand that relationships aren’t about seeking closeness. Instead, they’re about letting that chemistry naturally develop over time. Closeness and true love cannot be forced.
So if your partner is telling you that they need space, you need to look beyond the words at the bigger picture. What they’re actually saying is that they don’t feel the chemistry. They don’t feel the connection. The love just isn’t there right now.
So yes, backing off is the best thing to do for now. But you shouldn’t be backing off with the idea that your partner will miss you and want you back…
Instead, take this as a sign that you need to develop your own independent nature. What can you be doing for yourself that will develop yourself, that will increase your quality of life?
These are the questions to ask yourself when you encounter issues like this in your relationship. These are hints from your lover that the spark is fading. So you better get moving fast.
It’s NOT about what you can do for your partner. It’s instead about what you can do for YOU. Because that’s what your partner truly wants.
You’ve Got To Learn The Correct Relationship Mindsets
This is definitely a different way of thinking and isn’t your common ’10 steps to giving space’ type of article. This is really much bigger than that.
My goal with this blog and my programs is to teach people about these relationship mindsets that make you into a great partner in general.
This is so you don’t even have to worry about giving space, or what to say next, or what to do when your partner does this and that…
Everything I write about, everything I do is about teaching people these growth mindsets. It’s to enrich your mind, help you to think bigger, to drop that ego and to truly connect with others.
Understand that the bigger your belief system, the greater mindsets you have, the more you begin to connect with your lovers and truly understand them on a deeper level.
As my favorite mentor always says, “You change your thinking, you change your life.”
My goal is to change your life as I have changed mine.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
Larry Luckett says
I am a firm believer in this, I too was pushy with the space thing, but I realize that when we are aloud space, we become better thinkers and stress free.
Problem is, that relationship that worked for you, only lasted for a year…
Someone who NEEDS a lot of space like that and can only “endure” a few hours a day with you or worse, a few days a week, could NOT possibly be a really long term relationship… I mean, when you are married to someone and/or have kids, you WILL see your partner everyday most of the times…. So you need to LOVE to see him or her everyday! So, if , since the beginning, you can’t see someone more than few hours a week… Sure, maybe this relationship will last for a while, because you are giving her/him exactly what she needs for the moment; basically, she or he is using you to get what she”he needs for the moment (sex, affection, comfort, what ever), while having to the time to do everything else that is more important to her on the side… If thats what you are looking for too, them great! But there is no way this relationship could last for ever… When that person who so desperately needed so much space from you is ready for a husband or wife, you can be sure she’ll or he’ll dump you for someone who they really like and can see everyday if they want to, without a problem… That said, of course in a healthy relationship ,both people should have a little space for themselves. But there’s a limit I think. You at least have to prefer time with your partner then the other things or people you do or see (even if you should do or see them once in a while), for a relationship to work really long term.. like for ever… Well, that’s my opinion… Since I’m looking for a future husband, if i met a guy that wouldn’t want to see me more then 3 times a week, i would know he just wants to fulfil his selfish momentary needs (with no comprimise) and have absolutely no intentions of staying with me for ever…!
Ok so why marry someone that doesn’t want to see you? I can’t help you when you make a bad decision like that.
Whilst I agree so much with what you write Ricky I don’t get your response to her email unless you didn’t read it correctly!
Lol well for one her comment was about a year ago. Two, why is she marrying somebody that doesn’t even want to be around her? It just doesn’t make sense man. This is why you need to BE PATIENT and let time develop the relationship so that you know there is a NATURAL connection and not some forced marriage. Because then you’re stuck…
Lol she was talking about YOU only lasting one year in a relationship. That true long term intimacy needed more than what you are teaching. That to marry someone she needed someone who wanted to spend time around her as opposed to being with someone who only focuses on their own wants and needs. I think both is important.
I totally agree relationships need time and space to grow. That’s what I now do in my current relationship. It’s far more healthy than how I approached past relationships. Your articles helped me get over my last relationship which was toxic. So thank you keep it up.best Ralph
Rick, im getting ready to join. I have been reading and enjoying all your articles. Nineteen years my best friend and I have been enjoying eachothers company. Now after her divorce she and I live together. Its been three and a half years of ups and downs. But I live by so many of the ideas you have.. its a blast both explosive, spontaneously interesting and sexually gratifying. I have many great ideas to add to your many ideas. All of which work wonderful miracles. For the weak minded im sorry this just isnt the route to travel. If you arent willung to be Selfless adventurous and Strong move forward and enjoy your boring world. My story soon will follow. Love and peace to you and all success. Your a great mentor. Your clone and fellow bro. Robert
Thanks so much man, can’t wait to hear your stories :)
Our relationship kind of ended premature.. based on me having to leave the area for a couple months so it didn’t end poorly it was a good split you could say… I came back she was kind of on the fence.. we remain “on – off” in a sense were not in a relationship but we both get jealous and ask about each other through mutual friends.. neither has really moved on but we still exchange texts and talk now and again.. were in a college atmosphere so I see her daily. . She often blocks and unblocks my #.. if our exchanges don’t go as she ” imagined” I guess.. I want to try and make it work but she makes it rather difficult.. she always says she has mixed emotions.. she likes me but doesn’t “know” what she wants from “us”. . I think our emotions both fluctuate but it just sucks when it seems to be going along well.. then I may not text her for a day or two then she precieves that as rejection? .. then blocks my #… Help to repair this if possible?… I really just want us to be good some say she’s “playing games” but I don’t know how girls emotions work.. There’s a lot of false hope and denial in the air because we both know we still care for each other… she does have bpd.. but this is a more open ended relationship question I suppose. . How do you fix something like this?
well I’m assuming you’re a guy so the fact that your emotions fluctuate means that you need to get yourself together. You’re a dude. Don’t be letting your emotions fluctuate. You need to be the strong one here.
Awesome article. If a guy has the right mindsets what does he do/think when his girl wants space? Does he just accept this relationship might not be right or does he actively try and make things better? Knowing space could be a bad sign does this bother him? It sounds like u would just focus on making things better in ur own life instead of worrying if the relationship will work out.
I am 26 and in my first relationship, she is 21. The first year was amazing. I was not attached at all and she was writing love letters and txting/calling that while yr. I can only see her once/twice a week because her parents won’t let her stay the night.
She committed to me she would spend the night in a yr but when that time came she was too busy with school. We had some intense discussions on this 6 wks ago, we both cried different times and I said hurtful things because she wasn’t following through.
These past 2 wks she is wanting space and texts me me very little. We still have short phone calls about 4 times a wk but she is distancing herself. I asked her about this last night and told her if things weren’t working out I didn’t want to drag it on and told her we should end it. She was stressed I kept asking her stuff like this and assured me things would get better. I told her I was sorry for stressing her and will give her more space.
I really want to believe her, but there is this nagging thought that we won’t be able to restore the love and I should end it. She wasn’t able to follow through on staying the night after we talked about it for a yr, this was very hard to deal with. Not sure if this is an indicator of something much larger. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because she really was doing a lot with school and was busy.
Lol, long post, thanks for the great articles and hope u can shed some light on my situation.
Lol, well she’s only 21. That doesn’t really count in my opinion. Maybe when she’s 25 and knows herself better can she be ready for a relationship. So yes, this article applies directly to you. You should just focus on yourself instead of worrying about the relationship. Like I said she’s only 21. It’s not like she’s thinking in a mature way at this point in her life so just keep that in mind. Relationships should be independent, no codependent. So don’t fall into this ‘i must fix things’ trap that most guys do. There’s a big reason why 90% of relationships fail and it always revolves around guys trying to do too much.
Have you seen situations where someone has a poor mindset, their lover wants space, and they are able to recognize this and develop good mindsets before it is too late? It seems like developing these mindsets is a gradual process and can take some trial & error. Does it take messing up a few relationships to develop these better mindsets?
It’s a long-term process, it’s something you’ll be developing for your whole entire life. So you have two options: either develop the mindsets, or stick to all the other mainstream advice which doesn’t work and live a life of relationship problems. It’s your choice. I would say 6 months of solid mindset development will get you on the track to life success. Obviously I teach the way to speed this up ASAP in my courses.
james pwen says
I get the point but how do you give someone space when you have kidas together and live in the same house without feeling used by the one askong for space and freedom whilst you carry on as normal?
I would suggest that instead of spending effort trying to please your wife and make her happy, you instead spend your free time playing with your kids and making THEM happy. Keep in mind that child abandonment issues usually arise from father’s who don’t spend time with their kids. Simply being able to bond with them and play after work everyday is how you prevent this. And to me, this sounds much more important than trying to make your wife happy…
This absolutely make since to me now, this whole time I was jus thinking as if giving her space would be enough to attract her back to me. In the process I was only focused on that and not changing my ways and learning from my mistakes. Instead of sitting around all bummed out waiting for her to call, I should take advantage of this time apart and grow and improve
Yes, always be growing and improving. Sitting around and wishing will get you nothing in life.
Fantastic…change your thinking…change your life!!..nice advice
Hey, I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 18 months now and I’m 23 and my gf is 22 but she wants a break.. i don’t understand on what that means.. i live in Australia and she lives in California. so she drove me to LAX and she was crying so much as i was leaving and telling me she didn’t want me to go or anything.. it was a really sad time. so I’ve been back in Aust for 10 days now and things were going fine and couple days ago she says ” she’s not feeling good anymore and wants to focus more on herself and stuff like that but she still loves me. and i understand if you can’t wait for me and find someone else” she was crying a lot “so was I” i don’t get it she said she still loves me and i could see it in her eyes but now she hasn’t communicated with me in 3 days I’ve tried but got nothing :( I’m feeling really low
She just knows that long-distance relationships won’t work, especially when she’s in a large city like LA. So give her a break, tell her to enjoy herself and move on. Nothing wrong with that man.
Tammi mclaughlin says
Well its just not the women to blame its men too
This is my first comment here :) First of all,I’d like to say thanks for your article. I feel inspired by it. I’m not in a relationship and I don’t know if I will be in one or not,but I’m writing about someone whom I met in a leadership training program in 2014. We became good friends and then added each other in social media. Later on as usual,for me it was ‘out of sight,out of mind’ but for him, well he sometimes messaged me and called me. He then informed me of his decision to join the army. I always took him casually as a friend. It’s been 3 years of friendship and he used to always call me whenever he came to the city. I,on the other hand never made an effort for him.. To me we were ‘just friends’ and nothing beyond that..
Later on, this year, after completing his training he told me that he now finally became an army officer and wanted to share his success or his ‘happy moments’ with me. He started calling/messaging me more frequently,asking about how my life,how I am doing etc..slowly I started liking him. He also said that he has soft feelings for me but he wanted time to create deeper feelings. I dont know why I felt offended or hurt by that,maybe I have/had insecurity issues. I didnt want to give him time to develop feelings/connection for me. I believed that if he truly loves me why would he need additional time to create or evolve feelings? Feelings aren’t something u just make just like that.. it should be natural. I basically didnt want to give in (because I am scared of loving someone as I once had a very bad heartbreak)
Its been 7 months since that.. and now he calls me around 2/3times per week and our phone calls are very short like 2-3min. He tells me he is extremely busy and all..my point is ‘its all about priorities’ If i was important to him then he should make time for me. Right? But he is someone who requires and takes quite a lot of space and once he gets that space he behaves like he misses me and starts acting romantic. I dont know what he wants. He says he needs time to nurture and care for our ‘relation’.
Honestly, this guy is a chode. Probably got hit on the head one too many times in the army. You’re just waiting, waiting for him to make some sort of view to ask you out. It’s a waste of time. Waiting around is for losers, so don’t do that. Go talk to other guys, go on dates. Enjoy life. Don’t wait around for this chode to ask you out.
i just read this article because i am going through something that has had to do with space giving in mine relationship, i somehow found out that my gf is no longer feeling the vibe in the relationship and even said that i was not going to give the space she needs to even reconnect cos i am always in her business and all in her face and monitoring her movements i agree to these things and feel so much regret cos it seem as though its really late. Now i have agreed with this your article and at the same time, want to know if it is possible to be hopefully for her to come around while i begin this long journey of improving my mindset?
You need to basically ignore her from here on out. Your neediness and fear has pushed her away, which is what most guys do. Your behavior actually makes women go crazy because they feel trapped. You’ve got to give her the freedom to do whatever the hell she wants.
Ricky..been seeing my bf for 8 months and Ihe recently asked for a space to find himself saying he don’t see any progress with his life since he is been working for 11 year…after that he resigned at work too when we talked about it he told me he ddnt withdrew from me only but to his work too because there are lot of issues..I asked him if I shud move on or firstly he said”I wud have said so”when I asked him for the last time he said It’s my decision to make and I asked if was he braking up with me he told me if he was he wud have said some excuse but for now all he want is to find himself…is it gunuine?
Like my article says, you need to give him the world. As much space as possible. You should basically fall off the face of the earth from him. Back off and let him reach out to you.
I’ve been friends with my gf for 6+ years, we just started dating officially 2months ago, and it was an amazing “honeymoon period” for the first few weeks. But now she’s been really ice cold n indifferent towards me lately. I tried talking about it but all to a futile end. Gave her some space for a couple of days but now She’s been ghosting on me, no contact whatsoever. I’m really at the verge of letting go for good, tho I really wish we could still work things out.
Well there’s literally nothing you can do other than keep your distance and give her some space. If you try to force some serious conversation, she’s probably going to pull away even more. So wait for like 7 days until you contact her. If she contacts you first, then great! Go from there.
So I met this girl. She’s 17 by the way. For the first three days, she was into me with facetime video calls and frequent chats. Long story cut short, she now replies late and all that…
I’ll send her a chat, in the morning, she’ll be online posting stuff abd doing her thing but does not reply me till much later…
Do I still cobtinue to give her a little space or continue to call from time to time?
I’m assuming you’re young so new to women, but you need to not get into these phone chats and calls and all that. Try to have as little communication over the phone as possible. Phone chats and video calls should never be done until you’ve been dating someone for several months at least and you know she is 100% in love with you. Until you reach this point, only use the phone very rarely, maybe text once per day at the most. Your job should be getting her out on a date with you.