Why Is My Girlfriend Pushing Me Away, Being Distant, Cold?

girlfriend pushing me away

Are you tired of never knowing exactly what’s going on in your girlfriend’s head? The pulling away, the lack of communication, the cold shoulders…

Don’t you wish you could just figure out what the problem is and get back to that fun, exciting relationship you two had in the past?

I’ve been through this dreadful experience numerous times in my life. And since you’re reading this article, I’m sure you want some answers.

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Women Can Be Confusing

Even if you believe that you’re doing everything right in your relationship, women may still pull away throwing you completely off-guard.


I don’t personally have any insight into your relationship, but there are some very important lessons I’ve learned over the years from experience as well as helping many men and women.

Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how much you think you know about women.

If you don’t know and respect these lessons (aka respect the game), there’s a good chance that your girlfriend is going to get turned off and leave you for good.

There could be numerous reasons why she’s pushing you away and being distant. Giving her this space could be important. But what’s the bigger reason behind it?

What I firmly believe is that women will constantly test you to see if you haven’t lost your self-respect. As I’ll discuss later, it’s the most attractive thing in a man.

I don’t know the exact situation with your relationship. But what I do know is that it’s important that you take these lessons seriously and read through this entire article. Your relationship could depend on it!

Understanding Emotions and the Push/Pull Dynamic

Emotions play a major role in our lives. They are what make us human after all. Because women are usually more emotional than men, it’s important that you expect the unexpected.

It’s very important that you learn to control your emotions as a man. Without this control, you’ll very easily make the mistake of overreacting in certain situations.

Many wars and conflicts throughout history could have been avoided if these leaders were better able to control themselves and avoid crucial mistakes.

On the other hand, the best generals in history knew how to control these feelings and thus were able to masterfully plan out campaigns that crushed their enemies despite having far fewer soldiers.

Now this doesn’t mean that you become a nonreactive, pushover of an individual. That would be the opposite of being a strong man.

You still need to respect yourself and use this emotional control to respond in the correct way.

The common man reacts in an incorrect way when their girlfriend starts to grow cold and distant.

Instead of giving her some space and reading between the lines, he usually starts asking questions. As men, we like to fix things. It’s no different in a relationships.

But as you push and prod, you usually end up hurting yourself even more. You don’t get answers, you become more and more confused, and all your thoughts are about your girlfriend.

You just can’t get her out of your head. You don’t want to get her out of your head. You want to fix this problem and get the relationship back to where it used to be!

Now if this sounds similar, then keep reading. If not, please email me and let me know so I can make this article better.

Here are additional articles I recommend you read:

The Truth About Investment and Commitment

When it comes to relationships, investment and commitment are key. When people invest their time, energy and commitment into each other, relationships grow.

There are other forms of investment such as money and gifts. While investing money does somewhat play a role in relationships, it isn’t nearly as important as commitment, effort and time.

If you’re investing a lot of money and gifts into your girlfriend and she’s still being distant, what’s the bigger issue here?

If you said commitment, you are correct!

Because you’re being such a damn good provider for your girl, she really doesn’t have to do much back. There’s really no serious forms of investment and commitment on her end.

She doesn’t really get the chance to put forth the time and energy because you’re being so good to her. Or so you think.

You may not be big into money, but I do know that there are a lot of men out there that get this wrong. They book trips, they buy her something fancy, they take her out on the town in his amazing car.

A lot of men think that if you can show how good of a provider you are, your girlfriend will come running back into your arms and love you long time.

But I truly don’t believe it’s a provider that women want. Not in this day and age, not in 2015 and into the future as I explain in the free Relationship Survival Pack.

What women truly want is a man that can match her lifestyle. It’s a man that understands who she is and the path that she’s on. It’s a man that’s got the attitude, a man that isn’t needy, a man that ultimately respects himself.

I could go on and on about being this man. I’ve written books and created programs on explaining exactly that. This blog and it’s purpose is about building your self-respect and teaching you how to be great in relationships.

There is so much that goes into developing this self-respect. It’s truly a life-long journey and it will bring you awesome relationships and an awesome life as you build on it.

Additional reading:

  • The Truth About Commitment  – stop looking for signs of interest and instead focus on actions of commitment as these are the true signs of a relationship.

Relationships Are A Two-Way Partnership

Even if you aren’t spending money and over-providing, most men simply forget that relationships are supposed to be a partnership between two people.

You need to keep in mind that this girl was once very much attracted to you. Somewhere along the way, you probably forgot that your girlfriend wants you.

In these strong, healthy relationships both you and your girlfriend should be providing for each other almost on a 50/50 level.

As a self-respecting man, expecting anything less from your girlfriend is you disrespecting yourself. Think about this for a little bit.

Somewhere along the journey of your relationship, you lost respect for yourself. There could be a number of reasons why this is.

But women are ultimately attracted to men with self-respect. It doesn’t matter how tall you are, how well you dress, how charming you may be and how well you speak.

At the end of the day, the #1 most attractive thing about a man is his level of self-respect. Please remember this as this is key to the success or downfall of your relationships throughout life.

If this is hard to understand for you, then I don’t blame you. Thanks to society, a lot of men believe that they need to earn this respect from women and thus they fall into this providing type of role.

That’s why I write a lot of detailed articles like this, that’s why I write the books I do and create the programs I have so I can help men (and women) realize their own worth and develop that self-respect. It’s the key to success in relationships.

Additional Reading:

Women Crave These Men With Self-Respect

If you feel that you’re always investing more than your girlfriend, then you are definitely in an unbalanced relationship and I believe you’re disrespecting yourself this way.

I believe that any self-respecting man wouldn’t put himself in a situation where he’s pushing and chasing, trying to fix things and dig for answers.

It’s this type of attitude that causes you to snoop into her phone or computer, asking her friends or family for help and advice. If your girlfriend knows you’re doing these things, that’s just an instant turn off.

And guys I need you to listen carefully here – once you turn off a woman enough times, she will never feel that attraction for you again. Ever.

In all my years of teaching and coaching men, I have never seen a completely turned off woman regain that attraction for their man. It just doesn’t happen.

So you need to understand that women, even the ‘crazy’ BPD girlfriend types, really want a man that knows his own worth and has that self-respect.

The reason I’ve been able to date BPD women is because I know what these women want. It’s all I blog about and teach.

Women want to see that she cannot push you around, cannot make you overreact, cannot make you needy, cannot make you insecure, cannot make you lose respect for yourself.

When women see that, it’s game over. Even a BPD can’t resist being with a man like this. It’s such a rare occurrence to find this type of man that she would be crazy to leave him.

One of my most favorite sayings is that it is always better to be respected than to be liked. This applies ten-fold in your relationships.

Check this article out if you have the time:

  • Self-Respect for Relationships – women find a man’s level of self-respect to be the MOST attractive quality. Work on this and you’ll have way more success in relationships.
  • Dating Women with BPD – How I’ve been able to do it and how you can too.

Developing That Self-Respect

While there are many possible reasons why your girlfriend is pushing you away right now, keep in mind that the bigger picture is due to her losing interest over a period of time.

A woman doesn’t just quit liking you one morning. Not even a BPD is like that. You may think that’s the case but believe me she’s been losing interest for a bit.

The most common reason for this is you losing that self-respect. Your masculinity may have grown weak. You’re lost that edge, you’re easily pushed around, you’re needy, you’re seeking validation,etc.

These are all major turn-offs to women. And some women will hide their turn-off until one day they just can’t take it anymore and they’re gone ASAP when they meet a newer, better man.

You can blame women all you want, but at the end of the day only you are responsible for who you are. Guy’s often lose focus of this and before you know it you’ve changed.

When you understand this, it makes it really easy to see why your girlfriend is being distant. She’s lost respect for you!

Women love men that they respect. The more a woman respects you, the more she will fall in love with you.

Here’s an article I highly suggest you read now that you have a general idea of why women push you away:

What If My Girlfriend Has BPD?

In the past, I used to attract a lot of BPD women and have experience being in these types of relationships. Emotions definitely play a much bigger role.

But what I learned from my experiences is that everything I have stated above about self-respect, controlling your emotions, being your own man is equally as effective with BPD women.

While all women desire the above traits in a man, a woman with BPD needs her man to have these consistent traits at all times. She will grow tired of you and pull away if you start consistently showing weakness due to the fact that she’s dealt with weak men all her life.

While a BPD woman might seem out of control and lost at times, it’s actually the fact that she’s uncontrollable. As I have talked about earlier, your job isn’t to fix things. Your job is to be your own man.

Women with BPD have very strong emotions and unless you’ve got 10 inches of thick steel skin, you’re going to have a difficult time. BPD relationships are complicated and they require you to be the strongest version of yourself.

I’ve been in great relationships with women that most people call crazy. But I never experienced the issues that all these other men faced because I work very hard on myself and my levels of self-respect.

I believe that this trend is only going to increase. Not BPD, but the fact that women demand more from men. Again, check out my DETOX book to learn more.

If you suspect you’re dating a girl with BPD, read this:

  • BPD Relationships Are Complicated – you’re dating a person that has a lack of confidence and self-worth. These relationships are tough and complicated, but I can help you make it work.

Last But Not Least

If you’ve only dated what most people consider as “normal” women, any girl with high emotions (which is 99% of the most desired women) will control the relationship which leads to a loss of attraction. She’ll go from heavily interested in you to heavily distant the next morning.

A lot of men get lead around by emotional women because the man has lost his sense of self – too overwhelmed by the emotions of the woman and her beauty. Too afraid to mess things up and lose this beautiful lady.

But even your most beautiful, intimate, emotional women simply want to lose themselves with a man that knows his true self. This is why I want you to work on developing yourself into the best possible person you can be.

Understand that one of the big reasons your girl pulls away and distances herself is because she feels you’ve lost your “mojo.”

You’ve become passive, you started just ‘going with the flow.’ And no woman really wants to be with a ‘go with the flow’ guy.

That’s a man who lacks leadership. And women want men who lead their own lives. They want a guy who has that fun, exciting, spontaneous part of him.

It’s a leadership quality. And the good news is that you can develop these skills. That’s what my BPD Relationship Blueprint program is all about.

A large portion of the program is teaching you how to be a highly desirable person. Because that’s what your woman truly wants.

She WANTS you to be this type of man that I always talk about. So at least check out my program and see if it resonates with you.

Click here to learn more and see if it’s right for you.

Here’s to your success and happiness in relationships,

– Rick Reynolds


  1. Jeremy says

    I have never commented on these types of sites but read them a lot. You know why this article is STILL invalid despite all you’ve said about blaming men for being needy etc? because with some women, even when you call them out on their shit, they don’t apologize ever; AND as you walk out, they wont contact either. Tell me how needy i am when ive walked out multiple times. Some women are just cold fucked up bitches. Ever think that you’re just WASTING your time? because you can NEVER be strong enough to fight and throw yourself up against her brick wall until it beats you down and you leave. She then contacts like “hey where did you go” but way more subtle like “hey” and thats it (to see if you bite) Its just a sick ego feeding game they NEED. Or “we’ll talk later” always on HER terms. Love is conditional. Even when im plowing other women and she knows it and gets jealous she stays… when i treat her super critical she stays and tries hard to please…. when i call her out on her shit and walk out though? She shuts down. She sends MINIMAL contact and doesn’t address ANYTHING i say about her in an attempt to break me down and make me pay for calling her out on her shit behaviors. Sometimes you’re just completely wasting your fucking time. Beware because this woman seems the 100% dream- great demeanor – huge nice tits- pretty face- super feminine ACT (shes very masculine in time) She came from a small town (undercover whore alert) She loves a strong man but no man can be as strong as her or she despises you. Fuck her and run and play the games and endure the endless pain or just cut it off completely. There are no other choices here. Eventually you grow the fuck up and realize what incapable trash she is and just cut it off and let her wither onto another mans cock. Dont let it destroy you, because it will. To me its always a competition of “whos more damaged” “who has the upperhand” Dont give her the upperhand ever and dont do SHIT for her. Its how you make a woman FEEL not what you do for her. Go to her house, have fun for yourself, make fun of her and fuck the shit out of her, then tell her shes boring and you gotta go. Unfortunately this is 2015 shit- simple. They dont respect you otherwise; when you hang around like a puppy and try to make a connection. They’re too busy sizing up your flaws. She will take all you do for her endlessly but still wont respect you. This is women 101 shit. Forgive my shit grammar- not fixing it all.

    • Rick says

      Lol she just knows she owns you. She knows you’ll come crawling back when you walk out. She knows that despite you trying to stand strong and remain firm, she has complete control over your emotional well-being (hence your emotionally charged comment here). I think the big difference between me and you is that I find her behavior funny. It’s hilarious. If you want to make things work with this girl, she must first believe that you value your own well-being over her (which she thinks you do not). Until then, she’s got your balls in her hand. I’ve been there. It sucks.

  2. Bert says

    Ive been dating this girl for over two years we been on and off for no reason she just flips out and starts acting distant and cold her main reason is she feels shes a bad mother for her kids when she gives them everything… Shes 37 with an 18 year gilr a 13 year boy and 7 year boy.. Im 27 but i give this woman everything im there for her all the time i try to make her happy and she even says i make her happy… Buy her gifts treat her like a princess but she can be so sweet and makes me feel loved but from one day to another from an i love u babe u make me happy in matter of hours she just acts cold… Most of the time i say whats wrong and she says im having problem with one of the kids and it’s frustrating and she will stop txting me and if i see her at work cuz we work together she just gives me a cold look… It sucks because she acts like that only with me and no one else… It makes me sick and start doubting and get insecure of her… I know I shouldn’t feel this way cuz i know im not doing anything wrong but man this hurts… Ive been researching and seeing things like narcissist and borderline attitude things like that… Dont want to loose her either because ive been so patient when she acts that way… Feel like when she has problems whether its kids or work or family she takes it out on me and acts distant… What do u recomend bro

    • Rick says

      It sounds like you’re stuck in this habit of trying to win her approval. This way of living just never works, it only turns your woman off more and more over time. You could literally spend every waking moment trying to make your woman happy, but this actually drives her further and further away. Why? Because it’s the woman’s job to make the man happy – not the other way around. This is just primal relationship truth. Your relationship is currently the opposite. For example: what’s your sex life like currently?

  3. Josh Shelley says

    Hey I’m an 18 guy who goes to college and I am in a relationship with this girl who is 16 and just recently finished school and she is going to be going to my college but we have been together since the 24th July 2015 and everything has been fine as we were talking everyday and she would message me all the time such as good morning texts or good night ones and talking to me everyday and always tells me how much she loves me, how I am the best ever and how she wants to be with me forever and how no one has ever loved her as she has had a very rough past and was raped by some guy a while back before we met so she was obviously surprised at how nice I was as no one really been nice to her for her entire life but she has mental health issues from the past and she harms herself which I try to tell her to stop but I said I will always be there for her if she needs me but anyways she usually basically tells me all these nice things about me and how she feels about me and stuff and it was all going great even though we live like half an hour away from each other. I mean she comes down when she can and obviously I go up there when I can and just recently met her parents at her house but lately things have gotten a bit to strange as she never calls, talks to me and stuff like that so I messaged her and just acted like normal saying hi and stuff but she would blank nearly every message I send and I know she reads them as it says but anyway I asked her if she ok and she said no so me obviously concerned asked her whats wrong only to be ignored again so I left it a day then I called her and spoke to her but she was so hesitant to speak to me as if she didn’t want to hear from me so I asked what’s up and she said she been feeling down and depressed but lets not forget she has mental health issues as do I but not as bad and slightly different but still she told me she has alot of bad stuff on her mind and said some of it is about me so yeah can kind of imagine I was more concerned then and I asked what about me but she said she isn’t telling me anything which is kinda understandable but however she tells me everything as she said I’m the only one she can trust and how much she loves and adores me well that was until she stopped saying it so after she told me I am not aloud to know anything I left it at that by saying to call or message me if she needs me. So it’s been few days and I have kept my word and let it be and decided to give her space too but I feel like something more is up as this isn’t who she is well not from I know anyways but it feels like all those nice things she said have been made up in a way as she completely changed it seems unless I have been played the whole time but never the less I wanted to ask you on your opinion what do you think about all this and what should I do as I feel like this isn’t going to end well. I love her to pieces and well I say lovely things back to her and we like alot of the same stuff anyways let me know what to do please I need advice.

  4. Preet says

    we break up 2 months ago and my girlfriend keep pushing me away because she like other guy and want to move with him. but she is not moving with him as well because she want me to move on first and keep pushing me . what should i exactly do ? she know i want to change and want to save the relationship but still keep pushing me so that she can move with other guy .. she stayed with me for 2 years she was cheating me from last 1 year .. one more think she often change her mind that she would like to move with me but suddenly she change her mind not to stay with me ,,

    • Rick says

      Well she cheated on you… and is chasing another guy… it’s really an easy answer. Plenty of fish in the sea mate.

      • Preet says

        Thanks finally we broke up last night she come to me return my stuff , pick other guy and took him to her house . but i did’t understand why still she wants to help me . she text me hows me i did’t reply suddenly i remember that my phone bill is over due i wasn’t have any option so i call her to pay that and she said okie she will pay for me .. now whats that .. i think she will keep in touch with me in future as well . but suggest me what should i do ? and why she still wants to help me financially ?

  5. Billie Hammond says

    Hey Rick, I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months now. For 4-5 of those months, things were as great as the start of relationships are. Last month, she got fed up with me getting upset when she would talk about college (where she’ll be leaving to in 2 months. It’s close so that isn’t too big of an issue).

    We were able to get passed that. I’ve been very supportive and happy for her when she does cool things without me (I wasn’t before), and I’ve even gotten my life back on track in terms of what I want to do for a living. Things were good again until the past week or two.

    These past few weeks she’s been distant, not really caring to reply to my texts, and has been in bad moods a lot. When I ask her what’s wrong, her response is always “I don’t know,” and gets upset when I press futher.

    I’m gonna see her tomorrow morning, and I’m glad I read this. I’ll try to give her some space, and say that I’m here when she needs me. I’ll leave it at that and try to not to press anymore. And I’ll also stop texting her so often and try not to take her distance offensively.

    But other than that, what’s your advice, Rick? What should I do? Say? Leave it alone? Or press more?

    On a side note, she does keep telling me that she’s in a funk because she works a lot, horeback rides, and has a ton of homework. I feel like that’s important to share.

    • Rick says

      Well she’s leaving for college so she’s distancing herself. She just doesn’t want to commit when she knows she’s going to be off at college meeting new men, and the possibility of dating someone new is very likely for her.

  6. Jack says

    I myself am a person who never believed they would find love, couldn’t even understand how it was possible. Then it happened. Don’t have a clue how. There was this girl, always thought she was a stunner, but never went on the chase for her. I asked her if she wanted to spend the night with me one day after spending a good week meeting her after work. We laid there till the morning neither of us could sleep, I think the feelings were keeping us wide awake. That was the night we shared our first kiss. From then we’d spent a whole year together inseparable literally 24/7. I’d always felt I was the more emotional and insecure partner, yet she exclaims to me that she has had a partner before me for 2 years who treated her like complete shit and that she has trust issues. I’m the type of guy who just feels different around other girls now because I feel like I can’t let my baby down. It’s a personal choice. Admittedly I may come across needy sometimes but it’s because she don’t talk, she’ll let the feelings stew and allow them to fade away and act like everything cool again later on. But we all know that never ends well. I get hurt trying to resolve things and she never says what I want to hear. I don’t know what to do. Love comes across to me now as the best thing in the world but does it always have to come along with the unwanted baggage. Heartache over nothing. I’ve got uni coming up soon and we’re going to have to spend three years away from each other, not constantly but we will have rarely any time for eachother. I really want things to work between us. People always say what an amazing couple we appear to be, I got her a promise ring with our birthstones and names engraved. She knows I’m serious and I feel like I know she is but at the end of the day I don’t understand how to cope with what we’ve got to go through.

    • Rick says

      Well sounds like you’re young if you’re going off to uni. I wouldn’t worry about it. Relationships don’t really get serious until later in your 20’s anyways. You’ll find someone new no problem. Don’t worry man. Just stick to this journey of growth and you’ll have tons of women coming for you.

      • Jack says

        I understand I’m young but I’m definitely grown and my relationship is serious. I don’t want tons of women… I want my one. You make it sound like I’m gonna walz into uni and boom she’s off my mind. I know FULL well it won’t work like that. She’s going to work for the three years while I’m at uni and when I get back for good I’m hoping were still a strong couple and we’ll be moving in together. I’m a libra and she’s a gemini. < I don't believe that star signs play a huge role. But my girlfriend believes soo. I can't just "not worry" but I can subside the feelings till something happens otherwise there's no point in relationships if you're always worried. My mother had me at 14 and guess what she's only ever had intercourse with one bloke and surprisingly that's my dad and they're still together today. So you cannot say relationships are serious in late twenties. Anything can happen.

        • Rick says

          Sure but you’re sitting here talking about a serious relationship over long-distance. Well, long-distance relationships don’t work. But I don’t expect you to believe this until you get older :)

          • Anonymous says

            They can. My mom and step dad made it work, and have been together for 10 years. The trick is to not keep it long distance for more than a few months. Part of getting older is also realizing that not all relationships are the same. Some of the most usual ones occur, and manage to be sustained.

          • Rick says

            Yes, your mom and dad made it work back in the day. It wasn’t hard back then when the world was huge. But the world is completely different now. Trying to make a long distance relationship work in 2015 is really just a poor decision in my opinion (unless you’re already married and have no choice obviously).

  7. Pedro Cruz says

    Hey Rick, I need some advice. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months we have been friends for 4 years and lost touch then reconnected and started dating. During the time we lost touch she got mixed in with the wrong people and became a drug addict and was in abusive relationships. She went to rehab and has been clean for a year with one relapse shortly after getting out of rehab. I was reluctant at first when presented the chance to date her but I figured I’d give it a shot. Now I have fallen in love with her, but now she’s being distant. We just got home from a vacation with her family, we were gone a week. During the vacation I noticed she started to seem distant. The second or third night there we were alone at the beach house one night and she wanted to have sex and I refused for religious purposes. We’ve had sex before several times but when we started dating we agreed to one another that we should try to save ourselves for marriage and we failed. Now I’m trying to keep strong again and not fail into temptation. I could tell she got upset about me refusing but she definitely knows why I did. The next day I felt bad and apologized for making her feel bad and told her that I would have sex with her the next time she wanted to. Then she seeemed happy again. about the fourth day in the vacation I confronted her alone about her distance. She said she realized that she was being distant and couldn’t really seem to tell me why she was. She was all up for marriage starting out and I brought it up that day and she said that she didn’t know if she’d ever get married again. I told her if that’s the case then she needs to let Make up her mind about it because if she didn’t want to get married then there was no reason to further our relationship. After that she said she still loves me and didn’t want to lose me. Well for the rest of the week her distance was off and on. Her and her parents argued several times about two particular friends she was hanging out with who are ex drug addicts as well but they don’t seem to be as strongly recovered as she is. She knows I don’t trust those friends either because they might put her in a place where drugs are and she doesn’t need to be around it. So Saturday when we got home she took me home and she stayed for about 20 minutes and left going to one of her friend’s house that her parents fussed about. Everything seemed to be ok between us. Then she texted me and said I’m going to stay with my friend tonight (which is a girl) Because her friends step daughters were going to come to church with us the next morning. I said ok. Then she told me that she was going to tell her mom that she was staying with me. I told her no and told her to tell her mom the truth. Her mom knew she lied and her and her parents got into an argument and then they kicked her out of the house. When she came back from rehab they told her she could stay with them as long as she needed to but that she’d have to live under their rules. One of the rules was if they felt she hanging around someone who they felt could potentially lead her down the wrong path that they would tell her and she would have to cut ties with them and she agreed to it, but she broke the agreement and they kicked her out. After that she wouldn’t talk to me. I called her a bunch of times that night because I was worried about her and I texted her and told her that I still love and cared for her, that I was there for her regardless of what happened, that I was disappointed that she would treat me that way, and that she could talk to me. I went 24 hours without hearing a thing from her and she didn’t make contact with her parents either. She said I love you too and I’ll call you in a little at 9:30 Monday morning. At 11:30 that morning she still hadn’t called and she sent a text And said she was headed to work. I told her to be careful and that I was looking forward to her calling me and I understood that she may have been busy. She texted me again and said I call you later. I said nothing back. She didn’t call until after 11 o’clock that night And I was at work. I didn’t answer. So I called back about an hour later and no answer. So I waited about half an hour and called again with no answer. That was Monday night. I haven’t called or text her since then it is now Wednesday morning and I still haven’t heard anything from her and I haven’t seen her since Saturday. Her mom told me that while on vacation my girlfriend had told her I was too sweet and her sister told me that she had told her I was smothering her which I don’t feel is true. She is at my house more than I am at hers. I don’t know what to do now and I don’t want to lose her. Do you have any ideas on what I can do to keep our relationship from breaking apart.

  8. Cheng says

    Hey I have a relationship that is still going but now she’s been really busy and she haven’t got the time to spend any time with me. I usually wait for her to text me during the afternoon and etc. but she really doesn’t text me as often anymore, she’s just on her laptop doing her stuff, spending more time with her friends more than me. I do told her what’s wrong but she just said she’s been busy lately and I guess I do rage at her once because I was sick of tired of waiting for her just to text me when we don’t spend time together and I’ve been really emotional and insecure during this relationship for some time and I know it’s those two are wrong but I just can’t control it because she’s just became really distance. So I just want to know why she’s being so distance so lately, I let her have her time and when I want her to spend time with me, she spend time doing her stuff in her laptop more.

    • Rick says

      You answered your own question: she’s distant because you’re insecure and emotional about it. So it’s just a slow death that you’re on. As long as you’re insecure and emotional about her distance, she’s going to remain distant.

  9. Evan says

    I wish I had read this 2 months ago. This is what happened to me in my relationship. I was in a relationship with a girl for a couple of months when she started to grow a little cold and distant. I don’t have much experience with relationships (this being my 2nd real relationship and I am in my mid 20’s) and instead of reading between the lines and giving her a little space I kind of freaked out. I confronted her about it and I pushed to find an answer to what was going on. By doing this I was just pushing her further away and I lost a little emotional control and even cried in front of her once. She dumped me 3 weeks ago and said she needed a break to figure things out and that maybe we moved too fast. My question is how do you know if you’ve turned them off enough that they can never re-gain attraction to you? I never snooped or did anything like that but I definitely came off needy and insecure over the last few weeks of our relationship. I am working on myself and know that this really isn’t the person that I am (needy,insecure, seeking validation, etc.) If I see my ex again and show off the person that I am becoming and the person she got with in the beginning is it possible for her to re-gain attraction or will she always associate me with being needy and insecure?

    • Rick says

      The problem is that you’re analytic and logical. You’re looking for answers from your partner when all of that doesn’t matter because it’s out of your control. So the first step is realizing that what you’re seeking is out of your control. It’s irrational thinking. Knowing this, you can focus on things that are actually under your control: which is yourself.

  10. Lost at 50 says

    I read your article, and it’s one of the best descriptions to what happened to my couple weeks ago.
    Being tired of all this mind game BS, I got into a relation with a 51 years old woman, really a great person, but I got my a** kicked just like a teenager. She had a lot of problems before, which lowered her self steem big time, so I pretty much made her life my priority, big mistake. As she grew her confidence back, I felt that I was “too” available, etc, loosing self respect for myself. So, needless to say that I got dumped big time, no mercy, no consideration, nothing.
    As much as I agree with the article, I’m tired of trying all kinds of strategies to keep a woman. Sorry to say, but now I’d rather stay alone than put up with such immaturity and selfishness.
    I still can’t believe that after all I’ve done for her when she was so in love I still got dumped like that.
    I would expect a 51 woman to be mature, but their minds are just like teenager, and believe me, if you start giving them priority, they will kick your ass out of their lives.

    • Rick says

      Yeah haha some articles are for keeping women, others are for moving on. I’ve got a big library here! I just find it so interesting that no matter the age, the stories are always the same. The way people are generally stays the same over the years. It’s only when you actively work at changing your own self that you can actually grow and move forward. So just keep your head up and you’ll do fine.

  11. ian says

    thanks for the advice, it’s helping me out a lot in my bpd relationship.
    I do have one curiosity though, you seem to have success in relationships and an understanding of them, then why have you had so many? are you married yet?

    Please don’t misunderstand my question, I’m just wondering.

    • Rick says

      I’ve dated a lot of women but been in 4 relationships that lasted over a year. What I’ve learned through my coaching and personal experiences and watching friends is that in BPD relationship, the behavior generally stays the same. Whether you’re 20 or 60, I hear the same exact stories for all age groups. The things you experience in your first month of dating will be the same in your 12th year at times.

      So what I really teach is a lifestyle. It’s a way of living. Because when you live this way, think this way, breathe this way, behave this way, it just generally skyrockets your success rate. Is it guaranteed to save your relationship? No, of course not. There’s always a chance of other factors like drug use and infidelity that you may not even be aware of that can come out of nowhere making the relationship a done deal. But generally, I teach people how to be responsible, to have clarity, to have strength and set boundaries – all which make you pretty damn attractive.

  12. Flying Fader says

    I have an amazing woman.We have been together a little over 3 months. She is amazingly intelligent and smart. Extremely Accomplished. She runs her home and kids very well. The home is organized and tighty. Her two children are kind and we’ll mannered. She is incredibly beautiful and sexy.
    I get to her home from work. There is a warm meal on the table. She cooks me meals to take to work designed to make me loose weight and the meals taste great. She likes to watch TV mainly sitcoms. We love quizzing ourselves in music.
    We have a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. It feels as if we are competing with eachother to see who can govern who. I’m an Alpha Male 36 and she is an Alpha Female 36 use to being in charge havong her way and doesnt back down.
    My issues with all of this is that at the end she isn’t very affectionate, she cuddles once in a while and sex is once or twice a month. We have chemistry,compatabilities in tastes, arts, class , religion and perspectives on life in gneral but we are always butting heads?
    I am at the end of my rope?
    I really don’t know what the hell to do anymore.

    • Rick says

      Well the question becomes: why are you butting heads? True alpha males don’t butt heads with others. So think about that and let me know. To me, it just sounds like you want to have sex more often. And she isn’t game for that. True alpha females are pretty damn sexual (because they know what they want). So she could be with another man. Probably a less “alpha” man that doesn’t butt heads with her all the time. Something to think about.

  13. Eric says

    This exact thing has been happening in my relationship. I have been with my girlfriend around 5 months and she has been cold and distant lately. I don’t have much experience with relationships and I made some mistakes such as being in the “honeymoon phase” in the beginning and maybe moving too fast. She became distant about a month ago and we haven’t been hanging out very much or texting. During this time I have tried to follow your advice and work on myself and my mindsets. However not much seems to be changing with the relationship and my girlfriend has still been very distant. At what point do you think she will come back? If she is completely over it and turned off then why hasn’t she broken up with me yet?

    • Rick says

      Well, she doesn’t have to break up with you. It’s much easier for her to just meet a new guy and then go out with him. You can’t ever expect someone to “officially” end the relationship. That usually just doesn’t happen, and it’s okay. If she’s avoiding you and not talking to you, just let her be and do your own thing.

  14. David says

    Hey Rick!
    I enjoy reading your blogs, they are very well written and encouraging.
    I was together with a girl for the past 2 months and her hot/cold push-pull mentality completely turned my emotional core upside down.
    When we met I was pretty high on life and focused on myself so my happiness and self-confidence sky-rocketed. During our meetup I instantly felt that there’s a connection and that she was into me. But our relationship was too “fast-paced” and I think it smothered her.
    After a few weeks she became worried and distant, her insecurities surfaced that she’s “not good enough” and eventually this culminated into breaking up with me, because she sensed I was falling for her but she couldn’t reciprocate the feelings. I believe she wasn’t ready yet, as anex-bf of 2 years whom she left 6 months ago was actively trying to get her back. Note that I am not a jealous type and I have nothing to worry about when a guy is literally begging to get back together in text from another country, but I suppose she couldn’t disconnect from her ex fully due to this, despite her walking out and moving back to my country.
    The breakup shocked me, but she called a few days later asking for forgiveness and we got back together. Realizing the need to set my boundaries I made it clear that I want her to overcome her insecurities of percieved low self-worth and that I can not tolerate an emotional roller-coaster of hot/cold behaviour in the future. I loved her with all my heart but I also loved myself enough not let myself suffer.
    After a few days the problems started to arise again, she switched into distant mode overnight and became emotionally selfish and rude towards me for apparently no reason. I pulled myself back and gave her space for a week or two and tried my best not show my affection and my suffering which she had casued to me.
    She said I’m perfect for her, but she doesn’t feel “the spark” all the time. She’s got a troubled past (rape, dysfunctional family, hypersexuality in early 20s) and carries an awful lot of baggage. I really felt that we are compatible in the long run and it was so long ago when I felt this genuinely towards someone.
    Eventually I was the one who had to break up with her, because I couldn’t take her pushing me away anymore. My heart says yes, but common sense says no. I respect myself not to stay and suffer, but I can’t let her go in my mind… The past few weeks have been terrible and I feel I lost myself and my self-confidence. My ego is the only thing keeping me in check to refrain from contacting her. I really made sure telling her that I can’t keep up with her push/pull behaviour so now I think she won’t contact even if she misses me due to fear of rejection. I still long for her deep inside even though I know she’s too troubled inside to be able to sustain a realitonship currently.
    I don’t know if I made the right choice?

    • Rick says

      Well the good news about a relationship like this is it shows how you have a lot of Codependent issues you need to take care of. You might think you were high in self-confidence and self-worth, but the opposite is actually true because you wouldn’t have fallen so hard for her if that was the truth! So you just need to really figure out why deep down you find yourself so attached to this woman. It isn’t healthy by any means at all. So that’s just what you really need to think about. It was only a 2 month relationship, that’s literally nothing. Codependency affects most people and it’s why I’m focused on finishing my course on it because it causes all that confusion and heartache and such that you feel.

  15. nick says

    so try to answer this i have been with my gf almost 9 months. everything gas always been great. recently i got into some trouble and our time is limited she used to pretty much live with me. we are both underage. she can only see me on every other day and all weekend. used to be everyday all day. she tried to break up with me saturday and i talked to her and she changed her mind but she keeps distancing and saying that she hates it at her house and the stress is hurting her and thats why she was gunna leave. just today she tried to say that tomorrow she wanted to bot talk or see each other or anything and i think she was testing me because she said that it hurts her and she feels that im perfectly okay with not seeing her everyday and i explained that i put on a strong face but it kills me too and shes okay now. so whats going on is she just testing me or messing with my head or was she scared i didnt care as much as her??

    • Rick says

      Sounds to me like she just has bigger things going on in her home life right now. So things can happen that are just bigger than you and you can’t control that. But I also teach people to not hang out every day as this eventually can’t be kept up. You’re reading too much into her reaction. Don’t. Focus on you.

  16. jay says

    Hi, my gf of 4 years left me 2 weeks ago out of nowhere. For the first 3 years i got us an apartment and took care of because i was the only one who had a job. Well she got a job and she decided that she wants us to get a house. Now we had fights once in a while but we always got through it. But one week in the house and she up and leaves me saying that she thought it would help our relationship but i guess not. Now when it first happend. I told her i was sorry and would do anything to get her back but all she said was she didnt know. So i continued to try and get ahold of her to talk and what not and she kept telling me to leave her alone and that she wants nothing to do with me and wont talk to me about whats really going on and wont give us a chance. Then a couple days ago she tells me to give her 2 weeks of no contact so i asked if she would think about giving us another chance and she said no. Then i asked y she needed it and all she had to say was idk. Well i told her id do it if she promised to at least think about it and she replied with an ok.and im having trouble understanding why she needs that time and having trouble giving it to her because i really love her and want to try and work things out and its killing me not to talk to her plz help

    • Rick says

      Well she wants time to herself right now. Let her have it, don’t pressure her or anything.

  17. Chris says


    I’ve been in relationship with my girlfriend for almost year and a half now. But I let my insecurities get the best of me many times and they have really taken a toll on the relationship. I have a history of being cheated on and dealing with the loss of several people. Over the years I have become very protective of what goes on around me and I think that exact attitude and insecurity is what caused things to spiral.
    Her and I met as friends in class and everything was great. She was a very social and happy person. Plus she is extremely beautiful. We bonded very quickly and easily and eventually started going out. From the start, her friends and I never clicked, not once. I saw them as very childish people and didnt feel they were necessary for me to talk to. But that didnt stop my gf from going out with me. The first few months went very well and we probably only “fought” twice within the first four months. We were always extremely happy to be around each other. However, some where soon after the first few months I began to let my feelings take the best of me. Again, she was a very social and attractive person and could strike a conversation with anyone. At first it started at small things such as “I really don’t like that guy, etc” and she would respect it and not see him or text them anymore. Eventually that turned into “you have no reason to be talking or flirting with strangers”. During this time period I would accuse her of flirting with other men because every time someone would come up to hit on her or flirt, she’d engage them in a full conversation. I became jealous and would feel as if she was going to leave me for them.
    I told her that it would really upset me when she be so happy around other dudes trying to talk to her, and so she again respected my emotions and stopped ” flirting ” and became less social when men came up to her. That didn’t stop me from feeling insecure though.
    I felt that she would still “flirt” behind my back and so I started spending a lot of time with her. She wasn’t against spending time with me. But over the next several months, it began to get a little boring. In the back of my head I always felt like she was still going to do something wrong and I felt the need to always be there and correct her. Over time I stopped her from seeing and texting other people besides her close friends and family. Eventually she stopped texting and seeing her male friends because I would always get upset when she would talk too much about them.
    Around 9 months I felt like I had her on a leash and it felt terrible for me to realize. She had been faithful and loyal since day one, but my paranoia didn’t go away. I would always text her in hopes she’d text me back quickly so inside I’d feel comfortable that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. She never did anything wrong. But I still would ask where she was, or who she was with or what she was doing. When we would have class together, it would bother me when she’d laugh at something another guy said because I’d feel I wasn’t funny, even though I do make her laugh.
    Over the course after the first few months, along with what I mentioned we’d started fighting a lot for the those reasons and I would say a few nasty things but so would she. I’d be very blunt to her and sometimes yell, forgetting that she is a sensitive person.We didn’t agree on many things but somehow at the end of the day we still were able to say I love you and mean it.
    Things started taking a big toll when we started fighting on dates. We began to lose connection and went on dates less often. Over the past year we’ve sat down and spoken about our problems and I admitted that have messed up. I stopped doing many things because I want “us” to end for something stupid. I stopped calling her names, my extremely rude comments, my insults to what her interests were and my temper as well. The only thing I couldn’t fix just like that were my trust issues. She hated that I couldn’t trust her 100 percent but I told her that I was really working on it, and I was. To be honest, she is the most faithful and loyal and sincere girl I’ve ever met and I don’t believe that she’d do anything. But the fact that she has an incredible ability to spark conversation, and that her personality can be mistaken for flirting, in the back of my head I’m always paranoid that another more attractive man would come and sweep her away especially now considering the way things are.
    Recently, we’ve been disagreeing a lot and we still fight on some dates, even though we’ve gone on very few. She doesn’t talk or text many people, but I’m not telling her not to anymore. I’ve given her freedom that I should’ve never taken away but I feel it’s too late. For the past few months she’s gotten distant and become dull or uninterested in my stories or my life. She’s constantly been over working herself and has kept herself busy on purpose. She doesnt feel the need to see me anymore either.
    Yesterday she spoke to me and told that she thinks she is losing interest in me and she is going through a very rough time with emotions. She said we always argue and doesn’t want a relationship that is 90% arguing. She’s felt tied down and now is paranoid to talk to any guy that isn’t me because she feels I could be spying on her. I tried telling her that’s not what it’s like at all, and I have really built my trust for her and I’ve really tried hard to work on other things. She sees that I’ve corrected myself in several ways, but it is not enough. She told me she still loves me, but doesn’t feel as strong as she used to. She admitted that she gets annoyed sometimes when she has to see me because she automatically thinks there is going to be a fight. She thinks very negatively and I can’t help her way of thinking. She asked if we can give this second Chance and we said yes. This is also the first time she has opened up me on this level of sensitivity, and has kept everything bottled up. There have been many times in the last year that I would sit and talk with her but she never wanted to reflect on the relationship or address conflict. I feel like I am still slowly losing her, but I am willing to do anything and everything to save losing an amazing woman like her. I don’t know what to do, or if I can make her feel at least more closer than what she did before. Please help me.

  18. Epllasttss says

    Hi, so Ive been dating this girl for 3 months. In the first 2 months everytying was mutual the texting, the efford to seeing each other, the affection etc. But since the last month everything dropped. I mean I tried to talk to her wassup and ask her whats wrong but she just being saying that she was busy most of the times or she had already plans to hang out with her friends and that she barely had time for me. I said that i was actually starting to feel like a leftover and then i told her that I dont mind u see ur friends cause they ware there first then me but if you can not fit me in your schedule, next time when you want to meet me i would just blank you. Then she said sorry amd that she would change but nothing happend, like now she barely tries to kiss me and acting distant kmt. If i was like my old self i would cheat straight away cause its not a problem to me but i aint about that no more. Rick if you are reading this please give me your advice. i really like her but i have a feeling that we wont last long

    • Rick says

      Just sounds like you two need a break. You should initiate it, just say something like ‘Hey seems like you got a lot on your shoulders right now so let’s just take a break for a bit’ and then just go your separate ways.

    • Kevin says

      Do not text or call. For like the whole day until she texts you. If she asking are you mad?Act normal play it off as a joke..you can say something like you’re silly. I’ve been busy getting stuff done. I love you.
      Your a man don’t be needy or don’t distance yourself to much and be an ass. it’s your job to figure out the balance of when she runs to you tell her everything’s okay and when she runs away let her free. Remember a girl wants to know you’re there for her about the same time doesn’t need to be reminded a hundred times a day. When you’re not talking she’s definitely wondering what you’re thinking of and where she stands when she runs to you will know. Good luck man.

      • Rick says

        Yeah and more deeply, focus on your own well-being. If you find your thoughts are obsessed on her, then no amount of texting games and giving space will make things better since she’ll be able to smell this desperation and confusion on you when she sees you. So really the task at hand is working on your own independent nature and self-esteem.

        • Epllasttss says

          Thank you very much, ill just do me then cause tbh i aint gonna force nothing if it happens it happens.

          • Rick says

            You can’t force anything in life, so you definitely cannot force a woman to want you.

      • Epllasttss says

        Thanks Kevin for the advice ill do that and if she doesn’t care ill just drop it there are more out there that don’t act like that anyways

  19. Curtis says

    Hey Rick

    I’ve been dating this girl for 3 months and it seems to have turned for the worse a week ago..distance abit, we still text quite abit daily but she has stopped using pet names only first name.

    Our situation has been difficult from the start she is living with her ex and there daughter while she completes school (they’re not doing anything) I left a bad relationship almost a year ago and living at parents.

    So it’s hard to “hang out” only had sex or acts 12-14 times. She’s has a high sex drive and worried I’ve pushed her into some else’s bed.

    Last weekend I got to hang out with her daughter for the first time it was a really good day GF had to stop herself kissing me in front of her. Same night She invited me to easter dinner and that went well too!

    The next day I white lied to her about something but called and apologized … now she’s being totally different instead of our normal date night she went to meet a “friend” and didn’t text me for the whole night.

    We went out this Friday and it was fun but not the same..holding hands, she never put her hand on my lap..stuff like that. I sort of confronted her later and she says she has a lot on her plate and is thinking stuff through. Which is really true but that shouldnt effect affection right?

    • Rick says

      Yeah she’s just not sure about you. Best to just let her go for now, she’s probably dating another man from the sounds of it and doesn’t want to hurt you with the truth… Best thing to do is probably back off a bit and see what happens.

      • Curtis says

        I’ve been acting distant myself to match and trying to be fun on texts. But today I went off a little on talking through her problems and got weak response…I’m just gonna shut up and ignore her then? Or just respond light thank you again.

        • Rick says

          It’s not your responsibility to help her through her ‘problems’. I always set that boundary early that while I know we all have problems, they are our own responsibility since we’re adults. I tell women this stuff like early on, even before first dates lol so they know my boundaries, so they know I’m not a white knight.

          • Curtis says

            Yea makes sense, I left my bdp girl for her..I’m so used to trying help someone. But when you mean back off, do you mean keep in contact and leave her alone. Or end it nicely?

          • Rick says

            Backing off can really mean several things. The problem most people have is that they have nothing important going on in their lives and so they become obsessed with their partners. So by backing off, you should find something important in your life and work hard at it. Focus on your self and not other people for a change.

          • Curtis says

            Just an update for you. We did end up ending it with the idea of working on ourself for abit. We kept talking everyday though and a month later she was spending nights over and just hanging out alot.

            May was great but now it’s happening again but much worse and true break is coming “I’ll text you when I have time” … I know her so well and she has lots of time. I find it unfair or disrespectful to say that and stop speaking with me. Part of me wants to return the favor and just keep saying I’m busy when she does decide to text.

            I know why she’s going to say her excuse is for breaking up with me (I tend to show up everywhere unannounced) but when she did this before she had money problems and now even more so (even gave her money which could have been bad too)

            So now I think she’s stuck going back to a guy for money and of course more sex. She did say recently “Why did we have to meet at a bad time in my life” which makes no sense to me, she’s been busy with school the whole time of our relationship and it’s over in a week! But now it’s gonna be over and I’m angry this time around.

          • Rick says

            Yeah in this case, when you get a text like that you just gotta be like “Word, do your thing” and then just let her go. You can’t take her seriously, not when she’s in this state. She’s not ready for commitment. So to try to get commitment out of her is a waste of time. Knowing this fact, you really can’t see her more than a hook up until she matures and is interested in some sort of commitment.

  20. JR says

    So I have been in a committed relationship with this girl a little over 4 months. Everything was amazing and we connected so well and got in very few fights. All of a sudden it seemed like she was getting a little distant. Over the past 3-4 weeks she would not want to hang out as much, said she was really busy with work, and not really texting me much like she used to.

    I tried to give her a little space although not that long (I went away for a weekend with some friends) and she started texting me again while I was gone. However, when I got back and tried to see her she would brush me off again and say she was tired or she had to work late. Last weekend she said she was going to a co-workers party and would text me later that night. I never heard from her and she didn’t answer my text. I had a talk with her about all this a couple days ago and she said she doesn’t want to end things but she is just busy at work and explained we’re not in the honeymoon phase of the relationship anymore.

    What should I do from here? Should I go radio silent on her and let her do her own thing and figure it out? Or do you think this is most likely over?

    • Rick says

      Well, number 1 issue is you have a fixed mindset so you need to work on fixing that. I have several articles and courses on these mindsets. For example, you think either you got to give her space, or let her go. That’s just a polarized mindset, one or the other, 0 to 100. Fixed mindset. So the answer is to change your mindsets.

  21. Martin says

    Hi Rick
    I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 3 months and she’s been acting distant at first everything was good , but then I notice when she lies about things , for instance she had told me they were at the mall but the mall is not around the store this guy works at she was shopping with her sister and they ran into a old co-worker he was working at this store , they went and got lunch cause he (happened to be on break ) and she knows I don’t like this guy ,

    • Rick says

      Lol well she is lying to you because she knows you don’t like that guy. So who’s fault is that really? You need to not have grudges against other dudes and just let things so. If she’s friends with him, and you don’t like him, that’s just going to create problems for your relationship because she’s not going to stop seeing him if she’s actually his friend… I suggest you get over it, make peace with the guy.

  22. Aceleo says

    Hi, i find out your article more likely to my condition.
    I am in a relationship nearly 4 months. My girlfriend and i am having a distant dating. Now a days she is not giving me enough time to talk and chat with her. She says only about her busy schedules. But she stills sends me the love stickers. She is not talking with me like before she used to talk. I suspect she feels i am desperate towards her. But she consoles me not be in stress and say me don’t worry all the time. I don’t know man whats going on in her mind. She is not showing the respect that she used to show me before. We used to have nearly phone sex when we used to chat in night. But now a days she is treating me as if i am trying to impress her and as if i am her friend. I wait her late night to chat and she says don’t do it. What the hell is happening man? I can’t figure it out. I sometime suspect she has a new boy friend. How can i find it if she has one. Please help me out to regain my respect in her eyes and make the relation back to normal. I am too stressed man. Thank you for your response. I will be waiting.

    • Rick says

      Well it has nothing to do with respect. She doesn’t owe you anything. So the fact that you think she owes you phone sex or conversations just tells me that your mindsets are wrong. It’s a long distance relationship. These rarely work out. If she meets a new guy, she’s going to stop talking to you. Simple as that.

  23. Lou says


    You are the man! I’ve been so blind for so long. I knew I had lost something but hadn’t figured it was my own self respect until I read your articles.

    You’re the best bro!


  24. Vic says

    Hi Rick,

    I was wondering if you could give me some advice on my current situation.

    About 6 months ago I started working at this place. At first, this was supposed to be temporary for me. I thought I was gonna work there for a month max and then leave. But then I met a girl who works there. I’ve really fallen for her. After a few weeks, we’ve gotten close. I found out that she lives very close to me and I started picking her up every morning, so we could drive to work together.

    A few weeks after that, I started attending the same college as her. We had same class. We would sit together, do all the group activities and projects together. She would even do homework for me from time to time when I didn’t have time to do it. We would also text each other during work every day. It was very enjoyable for both of us. We weren’t considered boyfriend and girlfriend, but even our coworkers and classmates could tell how strong our attraction was toward each other.

    Now one thing I didn’t mention is that we had almost no contact during our days off. Maybe only during holidays we would text “Happy holiday” to each other and that was it. She did give me a gift on Christmas, as did I. But it was a short meeting. I also gifted her a cute stuffed animal a day after Valentine’s, which she hugged and seemed to like very much. I guess I was too shy or still had fear from my previous relationship and that’s why I wasn’t calling her on weekends to ask her out, even though I wanted to very much. I didn’t want to move fast.

    About a month ago, I noticed a delay in time it takes her to reply to my texts. I also noticed that during class she would text a lot more than she used to. She would even walk out of the classroom to answer phone calls or type texts. And that’s when some of the classmates started asking her, in a non serious way, if she had a boyfriend. She told them that it was her cousin, but one girl joked about it by saying “oh, so that’s what you call them these days”. It was painful for me to hear.

    That same evening, as I was driving her home, I finally asked her if she had someone. In a confused way she said “well, yes and no, I don’t know”. I asked her if she understood why I was asking her this. Again, in a confused way, she said no, not really. That’s when I told her how I felt about her. She stayed silent for a few seconds, but then she told me that she felt so bad. She told me, in a nervous, fast way that her personality is very difficult and that she was sure that I’ll find someone for myself. I didn’t say anything other than good night after dropping her off home that night.

    Something else I didn’t mention is that she’s 21 years old, just a few years younger than me. And according to her friends, she’s never been in a relationship before. This might also explain her confused behavior.

    Now I’m still picking her up for work, since its on my way and drop her off home after college as usual. But I’ve noticed that I’ve become cold and distant from her.
    I didn’t reply to her text that she sent on the next day after that night. But next day after, she texted me a cute, funny video to which I simply replied “cute”. At college she asked me to come sit next to her so we could the the activity together again. I noticed her trying to make an eye contact with me more now when we speak, even though I seem to avoid it now.

    And that’s it. What would you recommend for me to do now? I know that she has very close friends who are married, older and have more experience than both of us. Could it be that I’m the one who is confused and being played or tried? Should I leave this work and change college or do I still have a chance with her?
    I do love her.

    • Rick says

      Sorry bro you don’t ‘love her’ as you have no idea what love is. Love isn’t picking her up or texting her or buying her gifts or all the other typical nice guy stuff you’re doing. You are in the friendzone and set yourself up for this. Your thoughts, your world probably revolves around her right? I don’t beat around the bush, I tell it as it is. The fact that you’re still picking her up for school is just mind boggling man. You just can’t let her go can you? Anyway, if you want any shot with this girl, you need to work on yourself and learn how to actually attract girls – which is what I teach. So buckle down, spend some time reading my articles and you should begin to see the light. Understand that if the girl isn’t trying to make you her boyfriend, then you’re doing it wrong.

  25. Greg Dean says

    Can you please help me? I am recently divorced and ended up with a 41 year old never married women. We spent 5 weekends together and I was falling in love with her. I thought she also had the same feelings.

    Turns out this scared her and all she could say was we went from 1 to 100 very quickly. This scared her and really only said that her core is not this. She didn’t say much more than that. She lives 3 hours away and we have not seen each other since the discussion. we are both very ambitious and busy.

    How can I get her to come back to me. I just think she is awesome and makes me very happy. 41 and not married might be the reason for her reaction but I try not to think of this.

    • Rick says

      5 weeks is way too early to think that you’re in love. She might have her own issues as well, but you gotta be patient man. Learn to take things slower. It’s funny she said 1 to 100 because I use that phrase all the time lol I’ll tell a client that they went 0 to 100 super fast lol. You always want to be around 50 if that makes sense and at most, 80.

      • Greg Dean says

        So Rick, thank you for your response. Should I try to keep the communication going or should I just cut ties. She seems the one that might just be looking for the person that is not responsive, etc. (The chase)?? I have had several friends caution me since she is 41 and not married. That doesn’t bother me at all. 5 weeks is not enough but all I did was express my feelings (that’s me) and she just turned. I care for her deeply and don’t want to give up, so what would you recommend?

  26. Jay says

    Ive been dating my girlfriend for more than 2 years now and she has always been open about the fact that she struggles with expressing herself emotionally and reaching out to me for affection. Of course we have talked about it and i’ve accepted it and I’m always willing to be patient with her. For the last two years, I have almost always had to be the one to reach out to her for emotional action (going to grab her hand instead of her grabbing mine, likewise with kissing, and even texting throughout the day. I usually go to her). The past couple weeks Ive noticed shes been acting cold and distant and being rude about things for no reason. After thinking about what it could be I talked to her one night about it and she got upset and frustrated with herself because she thought she was doing better with her emotional issues. We talked about it and it didn’t really end well. She was frustrated and mad even though my approach was kind and understanding. I would never come to her angry or demand anything from her. Its been about a week since then but i have noticed no change in her behavior. Shes still being cold and distant and rude to me for no reason. Shes barely talking even when I try to start a normal conversation with her. Any suggestions?

    • Rick says

      Yeah you just need to let her be to herself. This goes back to some very old advice I learned in like 1999 lol and it’s that you got to give her the gift of missing you. If she’s being distant and cold, this doesn’t mean you should be pushy and figure out what’s wrong. Just let her do her thing, give her all the space in the world and let her miss you.

  27. Patrick says

    What should I do when my girlfriend is acting cold or being rude for no reason? Should I respond by calling her out and telling her I didn’t appreciate it or let it slide and give her space?

    • Rick says

      If she’s really your girlfriend and you two are in a committed relationship, then you should confront her and say ‘Hey, you’ve distant lately, what’s up?’ and if she gives you a cold reply then you say ‘Okay well just figure things out for a bit, let’s just take a break for now’ and then you go radio silent on her if she’s still not opening up to you. The idea is to just let her know that you’re there for her, but if she still won’t open up, DON’T PUSH. This is where most guys screw up. Just take a break and let her be. Often times just giving your girl space to figure things out is the best medicine.

  28. William says

    Hi Rick!

    Ill try write as short as possible,

    I’ve been together with a woman now for 2 years (long distance relationship) and she everyday wanted attention as in spamming my phone, we used to talk every day about all day on the phone etc.

    One night a few weeks ago everything changed, it was kind of like she had been manipulated by someone close by like her mother, prev day she was loving and happy just like normal, then the big boom came, she called me shouting that i about wasnt enough for her but call ended up good.

    i was unemployed and yet in uni for another year.

    Next days i was looking for job and got jackpot n it just didnt seem like she was even happy for me.

    Then i did some crap moves in trying to do alot alot of things to show i have/had the will to make it better for both of us.

    She always claim to be busy with things and of course i respect that but she doesnt have a minute to write good morning or barely good night alot of days.

    Weeks of me waiting and her playing games on me, we finally spoke on phone again, i tried calling her before this but she just let it ring.

    It ended up with a long discussion and she ended up breaking up with me and some very rude things and i said quiet some things but nothing harsh.

    later that night she calls me back saying sorry and that she thought about what i said and we had a nicer conversation and i asked about trying again and she said she would think about it because she had alot going on in her life atm.

    Upcoming days shes just writing very very short and cold, i got her to text me back and she asked if i still loved her and then we called on the phone n she was sounding sooo sad, i told her i do still love her and that i miss her alot, she says the same to me and we both agreed to try again and everything would just go back to normal but it didnt sound like she was do positive about it , more like ” future will tell”.

    But only thing is there is no change, she barely writes anything to me n she says shes busy chatting with friends on the phone, i mean barely giving me a minute of her day all of a sudden since that day of her shouting n keep coming up with excuses of not talking.

    Other day she asked for my help with something and i helped out, she hasnt barely said a word ever since.

    And i should mention i am that kind of caring and bit more sensitive guy which worked fine until that day of shoutingness from her.

    I came up with an idea of seeing each other more often and all.

    is it just a better idea to let her text me n show that she actually wants this too? Im kinda clueless what to do in this seat more than being a man.

    Today she’s still being so quiet n even cold , not writing anything even good morning or good night or i love you, i just always have to write it first and before it was totally different story.

    She was very jealous of a friend of mine since i was young and idk if thats still in the drama but i tried over n over saying she is safe.

    And when we spoke about future she changed her plans ALOT after she started getting distant and i basically said i would adjust to it.

    Could really use some advice

    Thanks Rick!

    • Rick says

      I deleted my old comment because it’s just really hard for me to coach for this. You’re talking about a long distance relationship here. These relationship don’t work 99% of the time. So to me it doesn’t make sense why you’re limiting yourself to this one girl that lives far away. Why ignore the women around you in your city? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m all for having friends and knowing women all around the world, but I don’t commit to them. That just doesn’t make sense. Your girl is distant because she’s seeing and hooking up with guys in her city. You can say I’m wrong all you want but I’ll bet $10,000 right now that she’s dating/seeing a man in her city. Why else would she be distant? She only talks to you when she’s bored…

      • William says

        Hi again!

        You see we´ve never had any problems throughout the whole time until just that day that she went crazy all of a sudden. she´s been happy all along until that day but then i tried making things better and show i had the will to make this happen, we planned to move together very soon and just out of the blue just she changed “attitude” due to fact i didnt have work yet.

        She´s gonna visit me soon and i wanna proove myself really hard to change her mind and i want back the good n sweet person in her. im talkin to her abit but she´s yeah very short and all.

        What would her benefits be to go back to being my girlfriend again and why not just skip that part if its totally useless?

        And to answer why to that person, i´am very adventurous and i love the fact of travelling in order to see someone.

        Thanks :)

  29. Mike says

    Everything you say is spot on. Been dating my girl for 3 months. Started out great. Both of us haven’t been in a relationship in a while. Her schedule is very Demanding though and I feel I over compisated with always giving in to her schedule and her time. But felt it was the only way to see her. I made myself way to available which I found through reading is a turn off for her. The normal texting stopped and time spent together dropped. We still talk but, now go a day or two in between. Haven’t seen her in a week. She also has a lot going on at home. At this point should I just break it off because I’m really tired of the will she/won’t she call and trying to make plans, or feeling like I have to respond back. I really care about her but it just may be easier to let go.

    • Rick says

      As I outlined in Detox, it’s getting harder and harder to date in our society. People are very short-sighted and can bounce from partner to partner to partner. What I’m saying is that the minute she starts feeling bored of the relationship, she can easily find some new guy to entertain her. Now you can’t judge her for this, this is just how things are now. If she posts a picture of her looking cute on instagram, she has 50 guys drooling. So understand that as it’s important. The way you beat is, well, you first realize that the old way of doing things is obsolete and you learn all the new stuff I’m teaching here on my blog :)

      • Mike says

        I guess I’m torn over giving her the space she needs. But going days without speaking is getting nowhere. They say communication is key. I’d like to talk things out and mutually decide if this is something we can work through or not. Which is my instinct to do but also seems like the worst thing to do because it will push her away further and Make me look more needy. She cares for me but feels bad that she can’t be there for me as much as she feels I deserve. So she’s falling back into her shell. I just hate the not knowing. But aging the push/pull game is frustrating and seems like a waste of time.

        • Rick says

          Well, communication is much more than just words. I don’t even pay attention to words because I know that they hold no weight. So you sitting down and trying to figure things out with a conversation will make things worse like you assume. And you don’t know if she’s falling back into her shell. She could be dating other men for all you know. Not knowing is part of the game. You’re not god so you’ll never know everything. Don’t try to know everything. Worry about yourself bro. Let her do her thing. If she wants you, she’ll let you know. Most of the time these women don’t know what they want. So you gotta let them go do their thing and figure that out while you work on doing your own thing.

          • Mike says

            Right on man. After reading your material I realized I was way to focused on her than myself. Lost control of my emotions and became someone I’m not. And focusing on myself and doing my own thing has helped me get over a lot of the bad feelings. Also made everything clear as day as what I need to do going forward. I’ve come to accept if it’s meant to be it will. If not I will move on and be fine because life goes on. There are plenty of women out there and I will be better prepared for the next one if so. Thanks for the very helpful info Rick.

          • Rick says

            No prob man. If she texts you and just tries to have simple convo, then yeah just be nice. You can be like ‘Hey that’s great you’re doing your own thing :)’ all nice like that lol. It’ll throw her off big time ;)

  30. denise says

    Highly emotional people seem fun exciting but are not. There is an illusion and unhealthiness about it for both sides. Highly emotional usually is that they are mentally unstable from whatever reason, you can’t fix. Adjust, or change it. Ask yourself why your there enduring it really. Why we would even think that was exciting and a normal person not.

    • Rick says

      I fixed the typo :) But yes this is why when something seems ‘to good to be true’, it usually is. You can’t be wearing your heart on your sleeve. You need to let things develop over time because time always reveals the truth about someone. There are plenty of exciting, normal people out there so just got to be patient and look for those.

  31. Ricky says

    I have the problem… For years I hear from women I grow up around to be a sensitive caring guy… Im 29 now and realise its complete bs…i always get burned, cheated on and given up on… I dont get what you mean by masculine energy… Im not a push over but I am a laid back person, I get punished for that??? Im about ready to give up and say screw it… Its like a game… When this chick leaves me im done.

    • Rick says

      Ricky, I used to have the same problem, believe me. The biggest thing I lacked was leadership. It’s simply being the guy that will take the reins, do what he wants and won’t follow the crowd of other guys. Simply listening to what women told you growing up is a lack of leadership in the big picture. You’re basing your beliefs off of what people told you instead of discovering the truth on your own. I’m not faulting you at all here, I’m just hoping you’ll see the big picture here. Women want men that lead and go after what they want. You can be the nicest, most laid back guy in the world, but if you lack this leadership trait, you’ll do very poorly with just average women and have zero chance with above average/higher quality women. Obviously this is a major topic that I teach.

  32. ox says

    Also thanks for being a ear that listens.. Im going thru a tough time right now and dont feel too comfortable talking to friends…

  33. ox says

    you gave a lot of really good advice.. So now Im left with the question of do I stay or do I go? We have 2 boys involved… Ive lost my masculinity and slowly getting it back.. I would hate to leave knowing that Im not what I used to be, which in my opinion, would make her right.. Im on the road to redemption but its tough… She tells me to leave and threatens me with child support… But will give her all to me…. Last night we hit a new low in arguing…. I just dont know if shes worth it? If I am a genuine loser and need to date down? If the next relationship would have a similar outcome down the line, which in most cases, yes… I guess I want us to be how we were when we first started or is this blissful thinking?

    • Rick says

      It’s blissful thinking. My advice is to do what you want FOR YOU and for your children. Just let your wife go do your thing for now. If she puts you down tell her to take a chill pill for a bit lol. Don’t bother trying to reason with her, it won’t work. Spend some time developing your own life outside of your family and you’ll be on the way back up.

  34. Phil says

    And yes , I noticed as soon as I didn’t push or chase her she felt released ,came back by her own and was got interested again.
    She wanted to keep it was special friends after the summer to see where it leads us to , meet me in person and we’ll see.

  35. Phil says

    Hmm. I think I mentioned maybe something wrong. Not trying to make it sound better nor want to sound upset. Please no , I am not !
    She is not that attractive to other guys and as far as I got known to get in this 6 months a shy and not for attention seeking girl nor mentions she is a girl just to get some. Currently she is not gaming at all and has other things going on (Talking with her friends).
    I’m not a typical gamer who sits infront of the computer all day and has nothing to going on his life. Actually I was always busy with something going on. In the summer I moved to another city to start an education , had a job running and was of course looking for a flat. So I didn’t have too much time to see her at the beach where she had no internet but mobile phone at all.
    She fought for me to finally meet in person and see how it goes between her and me , invested a lot , initiated talks by herself with me … She was on vacations and it would have been an easy time to get known to each other but unfortunatelly I didn’t show up.
    I had time for a few weeks , but I was also busy with my own things going on.

    Maybe she just wanted to have a romance for now , see how it runs between us as she mentioned the whole time , dropped other guys she told me and I knew of for me , even her friends were not the first priority.

    Mentioning that I am not interested enough of, having nothing going on in my life or she was not totally into me (it was pretty obvious she was) is so correct. She was very curious about my life, about me , trying to ask me out and told me about her life , feelings , her dreams , exceptions of relationships and her partner, she really wants to meet me see how it goes and a lot more. She gave me more than enough pretty obvious signs , behaviours and actions that she was really into me , I know how women and girls are if they really like someone.

    Even when we finally met us she was looking at me with this special stare , trying to get my stare and attention all the times. The problem here : I didn’t really do a move and kiss her even tho it was pretty obvious she wanted to. (A long hug before she left with slight moanings inbetween)

    Overall I don’t want to blame myself but I did not do a move earlier , she was disappointed when I didn’t show up in the summer , thought I would never see her and things seemed to be harder as we both had to continue with our normal lives. (We both study) So it wouldn’t be so easy at all to set meeting and she wanted to stay friends in order not get heartbroken again , being dropped like her ex boyfriends did because they got tired of distance even when it was just 1 hours away from her and not to lose me out of her life if it doesn’t work between us since she likes me a lot.
    (Of course living in another countries is a huger distance but hey, If I showed up early enough before I turned into this needy, insecure behaviours and we liked each others that much … Who knows if we wouldn’t move one day together ?)

    We still continued after I shared her my thoughts about it and she was sure by herself I am different than them, still fullfilled by her fears.

    After a couple of months as mentioned above it pushed her for a meeting , but doing plans for 2 months ahead was too far. I wasn’t patient enough. It wasn’t the worst part as we continued in a good mood. She worst part was when I used to be insecure , acted needy and jealous to a simple friend who I didn’t know of this times. Totally wrong yes.

    I mentioned the story quite a bit above. Today I asked her after 2 weeks of no contact and 3 weeks after we haven’t seen each other out for a coffee and tell her goodbye in person since I am still around , but I have to leave in 4 days.
    She told me she is sure if she can make it. I know she doesn’t seem so interested because of my behaviour in the past weeks and that I didn’t finally do a move by taking actions such as kissing her and more.

    Hell yea I know what I did wrong , but is there really no way I could turn the tables one day and show her , I grew by myself , worked on the needy behaviour and show her the confident , funny guy who she was into for the whole time.

    I don’t want to force and can’t her to love me. No , I just want to show her why she liked me so much ,wanted to be with me and make her remember the good times we had.

    She was fullfilled with bad memories and fears

  36. Phil says

    Hello Rick ,

    I’ve got a complicated situation there with a girl who lives in another country to this topic.
    We met us randomly in a Online in a Video Game this year Summer and started to like us.
    She liked me so much that she was chasing me and initiating the contact most of the time I was never needy , instead funny and mysterious.

    One day she left for vacations that lasted 2 months she invited me to see her near her hometown but we haven’t seen us in the summer. Of course we were disapointed and she thought I would never see her , tho I made it out that we will meet in her hometown soon so we continued contacting as we did.
    Unfortunately she earned bad memories of her ex boyfriends back who lived on distance too and it didn’t workout with (1 hour away from her) and told me about her fears of getting hurt and being dropped again but also of losing me out of her life if it doesn’t work out with a relationship between us so she wanted to be friends at first and see how it continues between us since she likes me a lot.

    She knew I am not as her ex boyfriends , I conviced her to continue as we did and finally go for a meeting. We tried to set some meeting but could not see us for a long time , she wasn’t sure about her schedule or got scared again as soon as we tried to get serious with meetings again , tried to be friends instead even when she wanted to meet me in person so badly and see how it runs between us and mentioned I am boyfriend material.

    After few months , she turned colder and more distant. Of course I wondered why and contacted her more often. She explained me that she simply had a bad week , I cheered her up as I always did and it runned normally again. Tho it kept jumping like this and I started to chase her , being needy which was a huge mistake as I figured out and read in your topic here.
    I even turned jealous to a guy who is simply her friend but she spent a good amount of time with, asked her if she sees more than a friend on him. I didn’t get a reply to this of course.

    We tried to set a meeting for Christmas, it was 2 months in October before it would happen.
    She couldn’t plan so early and I pushed her a little bit to try to. It didn’t work.
    Finally I decided to go for a spontaneously meeting , to make it easier to her because I know her university schedule which she sent me by her own one day. I did a move but she was not so happy about it because I did not set a plan with her.

    We still talked about it the next day , I talked about flirty and funny things as we always did but she told me we will meet but as friends only, that she does not want to be my gf and likes someone else. For me it seems like she is still fullfilled with anxiety , of course I acted a little bit needy , a bit pushyand insecure too when she turned cold but the bigger reason to me was the fear of getting hurt again.

    After 3 days of trying to meet I threw the ball to her to set a meeting for us. It worked and we finally met. 2 times alone , 1 time on the party and 1 time with a friend. Each time went okay in the start , we had fun together, I made her laugh often and long. As soon as we got closer and she tried to back off a little bit , came back again. It was jumping between pushing and pulling. I felt hear fear again. I tried to be nice but didn’t flirt with her so much , I acted differently than I usually did (Mysterious, teasing , cocky and funny , being a challenge) are the things I love to do and she loved too. No I didn’t try to copy another behavior and yes this are some PuA words . And I think she noticed I was different too.

    Before the 2nd and last meeting at the party she told me again that she does not want me , likes someone else and changed her mind. After 9 days of no contact she contacted me on Facebook , got curious if I am still around , If I have been to another party 2 days before she contacted me and how I am doing. I told her that I am still around because I enjoy the company of friends and all the new people and experiences. She was glad to hear that but was about to say that she thinks I should leave soon.

    Her last question to me was If I decided to stay longer in her hometown for her. I gave her an honest answer : Yes I did at first but since you tried to push me away , behaved differently in the past weeks and acted this way I chose to stay around for a while for the fun here.
    She did not reply to this message for 2 weeks now and we haven’t seen each other for 3 weeks.

    What do you think Rick ? She was
    Can I try to go for another shot ? Was my last message so wrong that she doesn’t reply ? What could I do now ? I am afraid there is really another guy she has a crush on and each day I do nothing I might lose her more.

    • Rick says

      Yeah sorry man she just isn’t into you, she’s just being your typical gamer girl stringing guys along. Gamer girls are no different from normal girls when it comes to dating. You still got to play by the same rules. These girls have soooo many gamer guys constantly wanting them, giving things to them in games, trying to play with them – it’s the ultimate form of loser in my eye. She’s basically a queen online instead of in real life. So she goes here for all her validation.

      Gamers think that just because you and her play games, you guys should date! You have so much in common! Well, the reality is that being a gamer isn’t cool, it isn’t sexy, it isn’t attractive at all. I like games but I keep this part private from my love life UNLESS the girl likes games as well. I don’t need to talk about gaming because I’m doing so many other things that are interesting. If she mentions she’s a gamer, then I might say “Well of course games are fun” or something of that nature.

      99% of gamer guys fall into the trap, kiss her ass and think they can have a shot. It’s a dream to be with these gamer girls for these guys. But the gamer girl doesn’t actually want a gamer guy UNLESS he has a cool lifestyle and ecosystem OUTSIDE of video games (which 99% don’t like I said). This is why most gamer girls that are attractive don’t have gamer boyfriends, lol. They go for the guys that have awesome things going on outside of the computer.

      So when you come along and are trying so hard to get her to see you, she wants nothing to do with it because you’re now no different from all those other guys online wanting her – hundreds and hundreds of guys. Maybe thousands. So believe me, you’re not the first guy that’s tried to go to her town and meet her. She’s probably had dozens of guys do this.

      In the end, she’s still going to date a guy that follows the correct rules. He’ll most likely not be a gamer at all. It doesn’t matter how good you are at PUA stuff, girls aren’t going to go for a gamer guy unless he actually has an awesome lifestyle and ecosystem to back it up. 99% of gamers don’t have this, thus why they fail with women and turn to PUA material (which only works on low quality, drunk women). All you have to do is look at the professional gamers, the BEST of the BEST. 90% of these guys are virgins and the other 10% have girlfriends that are either ugly or just nobodies in general lol. That CLEARLY shows you how unattractive being a big gamer actually is.

      By you chasing her so hard, she KNOWS that she owns you, that you aren’t cool, that you have no lifestyle outside of games. And if you try to prove to her otherwise, you’ll fail even more and she’ll think you’re an even bigger loser.

      Anyway that’s my 2 cents on this. Dating women you meet thru games is tough. The best way to do it is to be friends but don’t chase. Let them come to you. I could do it but it would be interesting.

  37. David says

    I would like to discuss my situation in detail. It is pretty complicated. Can you let me know where we can go from here? Thank you.

  38. Zman says

    I have an ex girlfriend who I think has BPD (though not sure). She is actually the mother of my daughter and we were set to get married a couple of months ago, but I caught her talking to another guy in a flirty way and found out she was going to get drugs from him. She has done this to me a couple of times before and i have always gave her the boot (like i did this time) but she will constantly call crying wanting me back and start totally loosing it. I eventually give in and let her come back and everything will be good again for a year or so until she does it again. This time she vowed to get help and has been going to recovery groups but i have remained strong about he getting help before i let her back in. We haved stayed in constant contact and i have been nice to her letting her stay at my house to hangout (never overnight). We have even had sex a couple of times, but out of nowhere she starts getting distant from me and stops telling me she misses me and loves me and all that. Now all of a sudden I am not so strong. lol. I have ripped her a couple of times for being cold hearted but i have also told her i want to work this out so we can have a family that our Daughter can grow up in. She always lies about everything so i can’t tell if she has cheated. I would like to work it out for our daughter and hopefully getting help makes her look at herself and why she does this all the time. But i am a little confused about how to act. I have told her I am done with her, but she will continue to contact me through text just not as frequent as she used to and not ever talking about our relationship like she had the prior month or so. She’s hard to read. I can’t tell if i should tell her to leave me alone and ignore her or what. She is super smoking hot but she is crazy as hell. it’s almost not worth it but i do love her.

    She is the type of girl that will do what everyone else wants her to do just because she puts everyone before herself. But she also is selfish and does whatever she wants to do regardless if it hurts anyone. It’s like she is the sweetest person on earth and super kind but she’s jacked up in the head becasue she doesn’t know what she wants

    • Rick says

      Yeah man it’s tough especially with the kid involved. The right move in this case is to stop getting logical with her – stop telling her you’re done with her. Stop telling her you love her. Stop expecting to hear that from her. Stop giving her the boot. ONLY do these things if you really intend to never see her again. But you have a kid. So you can’t. My honest advice is to just treat her like a kid and be aloof with her. You have a daughter so she needs to grow up thinking you and mommy are good friends and love each other. That’s my advice. Stop causing any drama. Either end things for good and remain friends, or just live with the fact that she might cheat on you. Don’t make it an issue.

      • Its me and you know it says

        It is literally impossible to talk to someone when they need you to be something that you’re clueless on. It is impossible to say what you have too to someone you feel wrong talking or even showing any interest in. It just cant be translated when the message you need to be read by them whimply says ‘help’ when your supposed to have grown up to be someone who is supposed to be more like their parents. Its a really really dumb idea making any attempt to connect when you’ve blasted your life away, killed off all emotional type feelings, gone off the deep end (mentally) you’re a train wreck waiting to be spotted, when this person you need and what you need from them can’t be asked from them. No attempt should have even been made in such a desperate state-of-mind especially when first contact after 5 years went wrong, felt like failure and what i do can’t be explained. Even worse i was shittin myself shakin like a leaf waiting there for them to rock up. Rick – i’d lost my mind at a person who probably already hated me. Self-respect? What’s that? I chose to try because i knew a girl with similar past who felt a need to talk, wanted me to understand her. This time i really stuffed it up. I’d been living in self-destruct/ hate the world mode for years prior to this reunion. This was with someone who used to call me uncle. The fun side to a few online head games was breaking point for me. Nobody really knew, i really broke this baaaad. Now i destroy the ashes to keep it away, cause yeah you’re right – no self-respect no sanity and too desperate for the company of what was once a friendly face. Just last night i followed a lead to check up on something that bothered me ages ago. She saw i think, still dont actually know as i refuse to check in sober state of mind. Couldn’t bare it. Still don’t know if what i saw was her in distress situation or just an in your face freak response.

        • Rick says

          “I’d been living in self-destruct/ hate the world mode for years prior to this reunion.” That’s your problem right there. Because you were projecting a very negative vibe, who do you expect to be attracted to that? Obviously someone with negative vibes as well. So like I always say, you only have yourself to blame. You are responsible for your mess. Accept it and don’t make the same mistake going forward.

  39. Roodi says

    Hello dear community ,

    This is going to be a hugly detailed but not too detailed explainations of what happened to me and I would love to earn help and your oppinions as it seems to go wrong

    I currently am in a difficult situation where exactly this happened to me. (Guide)
    A girl who I know for 6 months right now and met in a Online Game and lives in another country always respected me for who I was and doing my own things/following my own live in first place , she even asked if I am busy and respected me when I seemed a bit absent or responded to her with delays. We always had a very fun time , it used to be like magic between us and her humor combined with mine was just so enjoyable. She has invested a lot in me, built up sexual tension , flirts and tried to get in touch with me like every day and night when she was about to sleep but I just arrived. (Even used to talk sometimes until 7 am).
    One day she left for a 2 months lasting trip to the beach and wanted to see me in person as she liked me a lot … told me she will be sure to have an awesome time with me , convinced me a lot in any way to do so.

    At all the past weeks went terribly wrong , I had this fear to lose her because she got a little bit more absent , had a bad week overall and didn’t interact with me in this week as usually.
    I asked her what’s wrong , she explained it to me and it was reasonable , I cheered her up and everything turned great again. Tho she got into this again and I told her what I’m thinking about this … That I would like to spend more time with her again since she seemed to do it more with her friends (who she sometimes dropped to be with me). Of course sometimes you need time for yourself so I gave it to her , but she was still distant to be. Suddenly I met a new friend of her (didn’t know it’s just a friend for 1 year already by this times) who I thought she is into because they spent more time together than we did. The mistake I’ve done : I used to be jealous and showed it to her … I even asked if she sees more than a friend in him but she didn’t answer , so I assumed : No answer -> is an answer that means yes. Big mistake I know.

    The huge mistakes I’ve done after that were changing myself into the guy Rick mentioned above (worried , doubts , confusion appears , …) so I changed my behavior. Totally not myself anymore because I used to be feared to lose her to this guy and I pushed her a bit aswell to meet up , chased for her attention and thought about her mind all day.

    At all we met us some day I spontaneously flew to her hometown after friends recommended me to do so because we could never set really plans and I wanted to convince her and show her she has not to be feared that I am not interested in her enough and will drop her like her 2 ex boyfriends who lived on distance. (The mentioned pushing that we finally meet up after she invited me several times in summer but it unfortunatelly didn’t work out and we used to be disappointed , she started to get doubts and back into her bad experience with Ex boyfriends). So she wanted to be friends for a while , not to lose because she loved my company. Her Exes dropped her also as a friend after break up and don’t talk anymore. So before she regrets it (her words) she wants it to be like this and see where it goes , let it run by itself.

    I tried to convince her that I am not like them , she was pretty sure that I am different but still had her doubts and the anxiety for a relationship. I pushed her kinda often and told her to have an easy meeting for a few weeks to see how it goes. We finally met after she had some excuses not to. She decided at all to give me a chance and meet me up in person. Because I haven’t been myself and still had all those doubts , thoughts and worries it used not to be as it should have been.

    Right in the beginning it started great , I leaded her to a restaurant since I was hungry and she got us to a romantic Cafe. I turned a bit attached , clingy and played with her hair every here and than , touched her legs when she told me about her new leggings , put my hand on her back as we took walks (after she said it’s cold too) but she walked in a faster speed and so I did. Suddenly I stopped and she got back after a while too. It was a pushing and pulling. She liked it but not for too long , it felt like I chased her. We took pictures before we left where we kissed us on cheeks and she suddenly hugged me very tightly before the tram arrived.

    She was still surrounded by my arm as the was about to enter but turned around again to set for a goodbye kiss which ended up on cheeks. She asked me whether she can upload those pics of us and I agreed. Description : good times , good friends. She told me she had a good time afterwards and really would like to stay friends. 2nd meeting was not that great as we had a talk about us both again and she got upset/annoyed, told me “she likes someone else” and does not want me which ended up that she deleted the pictures because I did not see her only as a friend. I met her with a friend but she used to be very cold and distant, didn’t look into my eyes either but I teased her about her behavior and just had fun with the friend doing this. It worked out and she I made her laugh kinda often, but she talked more to our friend than to me. We went to a bar and I turned as in meeting 1 again , touched her often even tho she put her bag inbetween us and moved slightly away. Later on the friend left and she had to leave “suddenly” too. We met us a 3rd time in a mall , we met us somewhere else and went there together. It was fun in the beginning , she tried to walk away but I didn’t care in a fun way and she tried to grab my arm , giggling and telling us to go. At the mall we took a walk around and she moved to a cafe. I asked here where she would go and went there together. I chose a place to sit ,teased her , dranked a few times of her coffee (each time she laughed) , played games as teenies like fighting with thumbs , holding her hands when she tried on purpose to grab for her phone , talked about her childhood made fun of her … At all we had a great time and I made her laugh kinda often. But after a while it went different as I tried to touch her more too often and was about to get closer. We took a last walk in the mall , she was about to show me something , she used to be the leader again and moved infront of me , on rolling stairs she went a few steps infront of me aswell. At a point I leaded us to a store because I was looking for myself ear rings.

    I asked her to watch a movie in the cinema but she had to leave to meet with a girlfriend. I “offered” her to join me and my friends later for a bar or club and she would let me know later if she joins. In the tram we took a picture together after I asked to but she was not so excited. In the end after I brought her to smile again I tried to go in for a goodbye kiss (fast) which ended up on her cheek. (Yes , I know how to act usually) We didn’t meet this day again.
    1 week later we met us again after my friend invited her to a birthday party (which was mine aswell) of another guy. She didn’t know I will be there too. So we met us there , welcomed her and I talked to my friends but also other people. When I tried to talk to her for a while friends grabbed me away to play games together (So I won’t show her my attention all the times they tried to help). It worked at first when I spent time with a friend and 2 other girls , she got interested in talking to me and so we did.

    Tho I talked to her almost the whole party , left here and there to talk to other guys who crossed our way but only for short moments. I invested more in the conversations to keep them rolling than her … Made her laugh , brought her a beer after I disappeared for a while and enjoyed the time tho , we had a bit body contact , told me about her week , the new dress she had but as I showed her a more attention she got a bit distant again. It felt like she had the “lead”. A drunken friend pushed us together at some point and forced us to dance with his violence (rub her hips against mine) which was totally stupid and made her feel uncomfortable and leave. Before she did he talked to her about me , why she is acting like this for a few weeks towards me , behaving as that , …
    A couple of minutes later she left but I stopped her on the streets and talked to her, asked her at first what’s wrong and why she changed like this. We basically had the same talk as we had before the 2nd meeting ( Likes someone else, can’t and doesn’t want to be my girlfriend , ->changed her mind <- (surely because I did in the past weeks)). I explained her why I showed up here at all again , to be here for her , to convince her that I would not see her only every few months and get bored of distance like her Ex boyfriends and minor her fear about it

    But she gave only the same answers and tried to set the whole thing as : She wanted to see me as friends only , tho we never have been friends. Friends are not flirting this heavily as we did , don't have this sexual tension and minds and we showed it. Her answer to this : Well okay , but this was a while ago. Before we started to "fight" and I turned into the jealous , worried and all above mentioned things guy who changed himself because of that it used to be a very great time for 6 months between us , in 4-5 weeks it just changed because of my behavior. Later on she left when I was thinking.

    1 week later there was another party , I asked the friend again to invite her and I wanted to show her my real , own character , attitude and behavior … I finally tried to drop this different guy of myself. To show her , why she liked and fell in love with me in first place , why she invited me to meet her finally … The masculin , fun and "leading" guy who made her feel awesome.
    But she knew I would be there too and didn't respond to the friend and also not show up.
    2 days after the party she suddenly contacted me after 9 days since the last party and asked me online : Where are you?
    I met her in the game where she asked me to get on Facebook to talk to her , she wants to talk to me and a bunch of minutes later I joined it. Alright , I showed up and she asked me out as : How are you ? How is your study going ? Where are you currently ? I answered her casually but short , she was friendly and curious. Later on I told her that I am free and which made her wonder what I will do in my free time. I told her that I am still in her hometown (she thought I left 1 week ago since I told her I would and was kinda surprised/shocked)
    She asked me why and I told her I enjoyed the company of a lots of new friends , people and city here. It made her glad that I have a fun time here but I should go back to my country.
    Later on she asked me if I have been on the party , I didn't properly answer her to this because I knew that she wanted to know if her thoughts that I would be there were right.
    She asked me again , after 40 minutes she asked me if I decided to stay longer because of her.
    After 2 hours I got back and gave her a honest answer (shortcut) : Yes I used to be longer each time I told her I will leave soon for her , but since she acted like this, tried to push me and changed her behavior in the last week I decided to stay longer for all the experience , people and friends here … to have a good time before I will get back. It was yesterday and she saw my message , tho didn't answer yet.

    I'm sorry for this very long and kinda detailed description again but I had to get rid of all this thoughts and would like everyone and Rick who hopefully was patient enough and read it until the end what actually happened.

    My big questions at all :
    – Can I show her in any way my real self again , the guy who she liked and fell in love with ?
    – What can I do now to do so ?
    – If someone did not act and behave as you should (Leading , Masculin , and all other in the Guide mentioned ways) for a long time even tho he has been for most of the duration, is there a chance to turn things around and be that again ? To show and make the woman feel like this again ?
    -How could that work ?

    I don't want to get too much into here since I already did hehe so I would love to hear a response any time soon if possible. It feels like I am caved and a bit helpless.

    Thanks in advance

  40. Jeff says

    I had been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. Idk if she’s bpd or not but I do know about a month ago she started acting different. She was miserable every time we were together. Now yes we did rush things, she literally told me she loved me and to never leave her which should of been red flag number 1. We were spending every night together at her place which was in hindsight not a good idea. Well she had her nursing clinicals one weekend and i was off work. I took care of her dogs cleaned her house washed and put away dishes, not because i felt obligated but because i wanted to and i can’t just sit around and do nothing. Well I had picked my little brother up to spend time with him and we had to swing by her house and get something. While we were there i let the dogs out to use bathroom and he was running around with them and i took pictures. I posted those pics on Facebook and that was all it took for her to flip out! She told me to “get the fuck out” and “I think we need some time apart”. Her parents and children were awkwardly walking through the door when all this went down. I asked her stepfather if this is something that happends a lot and he said “dude she does this to everybody, she’ll push you away, belittle you and make you as miserable as her”. So i leave and go watch the Steelers game, i am posting about the game on Facebook she sees it and starts bombarding me with text messages about how i don’t care about our relationship and things like that. I agree to come over after work and talk. Of course when i got there she said “it’s midnight and I’m not talking” so we go to bed. That whole week we were barely speaking and on Halloween night she texted me “I’m deleting your number you don’t talk to me good luck with everything” then said “I texted you the other night and you didn’t bother to respond” which was a lie because I did respond an hour later. I told her i was working on my car with my cousin which i was. In a nutshell i basically told her to stop with the mind games either you want to be together or you don’t. 45 minutes later she said she was sick and might need to go to er. Which sounded like bs but i went up there and stayed with her anyway. I tried to see her the next night, I asked her if i could she said idk. I tried again that Monday she said her boys were staying over which before was not a problem however I under any circumstances would never ask anyone to me before their children period. So i told her to tell them i said hello. She said she would and we haven’t spoke since. After what her stepfather told me I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. It then became hard to trust her, she was blaming all of this on me telling me i needed to fix it but i didn’t know what to fix. I stopped texting her she hasn’t bothered to contact me, it’s been a month now and idk if i handled this right. Everyone (friends family etc.) Told me the best thing for me was to get away before it got worse but i don’t know if i made the right decision.

    • Rick says

      It’s all a learning experience. Basically you lost the game with this one. Understand that there’s really nothing for you to ‘fix’ ever. This is just a shit test that women give to test you. You failed that by thinking you need to fix anything. If a girl tells me to fix things, I’d simply say ‘Nah I won’t fix anything, I like it how it is.’ So yeah this is just a typical case of not playing the game right. It’s a good learning experience. You’re WAY too dependent on her reactions to what she says which then makes you needy and reactive yourself, all very unattractive to females. This is why you lost her. You’re also very logical with her which is unattractive as well.

      I would also suggest to ignore advice from family/friends UNLESS they are guys that are actually dating high quality women. These men actually know what they’re talking about. So ONLY seek advice from these men if you know for a fact that these guys are legit and got these women based on skills. These are the guys you listen to. Ignore everyone else, just say Thanks for the advice and change topic.

  41. mickey says

    Hi all pritty much new to all this but recently my girl being distant just like she try a test me were not arguing or out like that witch is really weired compaired to other relationships i have had.
    I wanna try sort things out if not gonna lose her n I ant no family or friends to turn to probs why im lookin through shite on the net il end up on a smashed up mission 2mayhem.
    Looking 4any advice chuck the book at me

  42. Sarah Anne says

    I am a BDP woman and I have unfortunately pushed my partner to far and self sabotaged my relationship. I feel like he had some minor BDP traits too but he has finally left me. I never thought it would happen and didn’t take it seriously and now it has happened, I am devastated. I am seeking help through therapy and trying to fix my abusive behaviours. I feel into a trap of breaking him down slowly over time and then saying I would change when he stood up to me. Everything you have said is exactly correct and I miss him so much. I improved my behaviour so much from my relationship before this one but I guess I feel into my learned habits again and I feel so bad :(

    • Rick says

      Sorry to hear about that :( We all have our own bad habits and issues so believe me when I say that you’re not alone in this struggle. We must always be constantly aware of our bad habits so that we can learn to resist falling into them :)

  43. Frankythehotdog says

    This is actually pretty accurate. I suffer the same with my boyfriend. I also appreciate the fact that you know that women arent money hungry whores like so many other men stereotype them as! Great article!

  44. Person says

    In my case, I really don’t think me “taking control,” “saying no,” etc, was what my ex wanted at all. In fact, almost every time I tried to do one of those things she got mad. She had our entire weekend planned out a week in advance, and if I tried to deviate from her plans in any way she’d rage. Like when my friend from the other side of the country came to visit unexpectedly and I wanted to take her out to meet with them for a night out in the city. Also, since I’m an introvert at times I would tell her that I needed a day to be alone on the weekend and she’d rage then also.

    For the 4th of July (a Friday) she was supposed to go away with friends somewhere where I couldn’t go with her (friends place that I didn’t know and wasn’t invited to). I had already told her that I planned to spend the 4th with friends so she knew that in advance. She ended up changing her plans and wanted me to go with her to her dads beach house for the weekend. I told her I’d go after I was done at my friends party on the 4th and be with her for the rest of the weekend. RAGE. Because she wanted me to meet her at her dads beach house a night earlier. I explained that I already made those plans but ended up cancelling and giving in to avoid her wrath. In cases like this I really don’t think standing my ground would have made her love me more.

    Are there different types of BPD who this idea doesn’t apply to?

    • Rick says

      No you’re just incorrect here but you’re free to believe what you want. Women are women whether they have BPD or not. It’s why I’m able to date them so easily. If she would have raged at me, I would have then told her to f*** off. You wouldn’t ever do this though because you fear losing her and she knows this. So she can rage at you all day long. But she wouldn’t rage towards me because she knows I wouldn’t hesitate to dump her. That’s the big difference here bro. You’ve got to work on this attitude. She can read you like a book, she knows she has control over you and therefore she knows she can get away with all this RAGE.

      A BPD would never try to rage at me because she already knows that it would backfire and only cause her to lose me. This is what you need to work on.

      • Person says

        Yeah, I get what you mean, I need to work on that. In the case of my particular ex though, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have tolerated me telling her to f*** off haha. I know this probably works with most girls but I swear she would have said “I can’t believe you just said that to me” and gotten even more mad. But maybe that’s expected and you just need to walk away and she’ll beg for you back?

        Actually, she pissed me off and I called her an a**hole and that was what prompted the breakup. We were talking over text and she immediately broke up with me. She may have already had me painted black by then though, I don’t know. I had stood my ground before, but that was the first time I responded that way.

  45. sally fay says

    I don’t know what most women want or need but I don’t want a man always trying to take the lead or to take the reigns. Everything in moderation sure it’s nice to have someone to lean but, I don’t want anyone trying to control me or my life. I start distancing myself in a relationship if I feel a man is being too wishy washy or clingy. It’s difficult to feel safe wiith someone that doesn’t seem to have a clue what they want or if you feel they rely on you for their direction in life. That’s just my take on it

    • Rick says

      Exactly, I never tell men to be clingy, in fact I tell them to be the opposite. So thank you for agreeing with me :)

  46. Vera hudson says

    I happen to be one of these women and its true, this works. Actually.this is why im here because I noticed his behavior change and I knew he was trying something new on me. Lol thanks for the info

  47. Terserah says

    Guys,It’s really not hard to pick up girls. You just need to edcatue yourself and luckily, there’s some sick guides out there.

    • Rick says

      Yes, it is all about education. This website isn’t really about pick-up or seduction or whatever. It’s about teaching long-term relationship skills which most people have really lost sight of. Everyone is too busy trying to come up with witty lines and routines and all that JUST to talk to a girl. But none of that will matter when you’re actually interested in dating someone and possibly getting into a relationship.

      • Lance says

        Hi Rick,

        I believe this is probably a question you hear often, how do you get a female that has been abused physically and emotionally prior to you to open up to you. I did all you mentioned above, I asked her friends for advice which backfired and she blew up at me and said she could never trust me again. She mentioned relationships are personal and I shouldn’t be sharing it with anyone. Knowing that now but she is still distant and could. I let her do all the reaching out, she calls me everyday at least twice a day, but we rarely see each other. Our conversations are getting dry on occasions and when I don’t answer or call back right away she gets angry. She is jealous but our main issue is the lack of time we spend with one another. She rather stay home and lay in bed and watch tv instead of coming to my house or go out? Oh yeah she lives with her parents so its not like im welcomed. She is 24 and I am 37, the age difference doesn’t bother her at all but it does her parents. So what is my best course of action?? your insight is appreciated.

        • Rick says

          Never ask her friends/family for advice. That is bad, no where do I say to do that lol. Just let her keep reaching out. If she doesn’t want to open up to you, then that’s her decision. Don’t force her. However, you can play your hand and say something like ‘Look, if you can’t open up to me and tell me what you’re REALLY feeling, then how do you expect us to have a future? It’s just not in the cards for us until you do” and then just go about your own business and see if she reaches out to you a few days/weeks later.

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