Why Is My Girlfriend Pushing Me Away?

girlfriend pushing me away

If your girlfriend is pushing you away and giving you the cold shoulder, then I’m glad you’re here because I’m going to get your mind headed in the right direction.

There’s nothing more annoying and painful than to have your girlfriend give you that ghosting treatment. To pull away and be distant when you have no clue why, right?

In fact, I’d rather slam my pinky toe on the corner of a metal table than have my girlfriend give me the dreaded cold shoulder. That’s how much it annoys me.

I remember this one time where I went three days without hearing from a girlfriend I had years ago. I checked my Facebook (aka Fakebook) and I wasn’t blocked (oh the humanity). This girl was simply ignoring me, giving me the cold shoulder that I was so used to receiving in life.

You see, I was raised to be a kind, gentle snow flake. Growing up in the church, doing the nice guy thing, putting other’s first and so on.

“Rick, remember to be nice to everyone,” my momma told me daily (she still tells me this even now). “If you’re not nice to people, then they will be mean to you and you won’t make any friends.”

For almost 30 years, I was a gentle and kind soul. I always put others first because I wanted to make other people happy (especially the girls). I didn’t want any enemies. I wanted people to be nice to me.

The result?

Almost 30 years of repulsing women. Hardly any legitimate close friends that were genuine with me. And worst of all, I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I was depressed and unhappy. My life was pathetic.

I was pathetic.

It wasn’t until I started making some monumental changes in my life (that I teach through this website) when I started to get results: women now pursue me. I have some of the most amazing, successful friends. My career is in a field I am passionate about and the money is good as well.

And no one, not even the girls, give me the cold shoulder. In fact, every girl I’ve dated has been on my terms. The women desire me. They want to be with me.

The most important lesson from my story is this:

Forget all the moral, subjective, idealistic lessons you’ve learned in life. If women are giving you the cold shoulder, then what you’ve been taught in life isn’t based in reality. It isn’t what works.

Yes, removing all the mental programming you’ve had for years sounds crazy. But believe me when I say that all my success over the past 5 years is due to dumping my old mindsets and adopting what I know now.

So let’s take a look at what exactly helps you spark that attraction and desirability which ends the cold shoulder for good.

Before we continue, I highly suggest you download my free 4-page guide about the #1 relationship mistake. Read it whenever, wherever you like. It’s a great refresher:

I’ve also recorded a video to go along with this article. Watch this if you have the time:

1. Are Women Confusing The Hell Outta You?

Look fellas, here’s the thing… even the most stable women will throw you in a loop at times. You won’t even know what caused it. It could be hormones, a bad day at work, unhealthy food choices, a creep on the subway – thousands of reasons.

I like to feel that our society is responsible for most of the issues people have today. And I think I have a very valid argument for this.

The crazy feminists and the loonie liberals of society are teaching people some of the worst ways to live. I can’t stand idealists as I often talk about. Ideals will destroy you if you’re not careful.

But here’s the truth and I want you to listen closely: women also like to test the men that they’re with.

And if you don’t have any clue about these tests, then you’re going to fail them. And when you fail them, the woman is going to lose her desire for you.

And when a woman has lost that desirability for you, you can say goodbye! She’s no longer going to want to be around you.

As a result, you get frustrated trying to figure out what’s going on. You’re clawing and fighting for an answer which she doesn’t give.

When I work personally with men on their relationships, the common problem is always in this lack of understanding. Most men these days simply don’t know how to communicate with women. They don’t know how to understand her behavior.

2. People And Their Crazy Emotions…

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting around with some buddies enjoying a drink (or two) and they start speaking about how emotional and illogical the women of the world are.

I always have to correct these guys and tell them that everybody is emotional and illogical. That’s just how people are! I would argue that men do far more stupider things than women.

If you look at the liberal lefties of society, it’s always a bit shocking at how illogical the men seem to be. I don’t get it. Maybe you do. But to me it’s just wacky.

And an interesting tidbit here: the healthy relationships I always see (which is in the thousands) are people who aren’t loonies full of ideologies and morals. They actually think for themselves and make their own decisions.

As a result, women want to be with these men. No games, no cold shoulders, no irrational crazy BPD behavior.

In my experience coaching thousands of men & women, it’s the crazy Idealists who are always getting cucked, cheated on, and dumped. Not a fun way to live your life if you ask me.

All you got to do is disagree with a loonie liberal and they lose emotional control. The women these guys date never stick around with guys like this because women don’t like Idealists.

So… are you a Loonie Lefty? Stuck in bubble of ideals? There’s your answer. You’re welcome.

3. Relationships Are About Time Investment and Commitment

Think about all the times in your life where you went out of your way for a woman. Think about the amount of time you spent doing something for her, bailing her out, whatever.

Now think about what you got out of all this time you spent. Was it worth it? Did you get anything in return, any sort of commitments?

If you did, then great! You’re using your time wisely.

If not – then you didn’t use your precious time wisely. And time is everything you got in this life. This is a really important lesson in my BPD Relationship Blueprint course.

You got to learn how to balance your time correctly. You got to learn how to invest your time and commitment into things that are worth investing in. And yes, this includes women.

A lot of guys don’t value their time and easily throw it around like it’s nothing. You have all these high expectations afterwards, but nothing comes of it.

Your girl is going to say “Thanks!” and be on her merry way.

Then you’re sitting on the brick wall, hands empty, confused, wondering what the hell just happened. What was I doing this whole time with this girl. Why do I feel like an empty shell, even more so than before.

You look up into the sky and confirm to yourself that women are cold-hearted bitches. It’s the only answer! Why else would she treat you this way?

And I can see why you feel that way, especially if she’s giving you shit and sleeping with your best friend on the down-low. Sucks to be cucked.

In this society that you’re a part of, you’re being trained by the liberal left and the loonie idealists to be Codependent and needy. Why? Because when you’re codependent, you depend on others.

It isn’t good for relationships – but it’s great for the gooooberment and other’s in positions of power. So start using your head. Look around at all the idiocy that’s being fed to you through the air waves everyday.

4. Relationships Are A Two-Way Street

Most men think of themselves as these heroes who must lead the girl to victory! It sounds like an ideal relationship (there’s that “ideal” word again), but it’s far from reality.

In an Idealistic point of view, it feels really good to be the man of the relationship. To make all the decisions and to always be there for your girl.

But the reality of relationships is that there are two human beings involved. I like to say that healthy relationships are a team of two people working together to climb mountains.

Not a bad analogy, eh?

Understand that women are ultimately attracted to men with self-respect. That’s one of the keys to understanding women. But too often, men do things that lose this respect.

As a result, the relationship becomes more and more one-sided. Your girl starts losing desire for you, and that dreaded cold shoulder comes out to play again.

Once a woman loses her desire for you, you’re done. You can’t get it back. You can try all you want, but your efforts will be futile.

The only way to rebuild that desire in the eyes of your woman is for her to see you as a man she can respect. Until you do that, she’s going to keep doing her own thing.

5. The Biggest Turn-Off to Women

By this point, I hope you’re getting a good idea of what is most likely turning your girl off. Why she’s giving you the cold shoulder. Why she’s asking for space and ignoring your calls.

Of course, what I’m saying here is written for a general audience. But I’m sure you can relate to some of these things here so far. And that’s the point.

When your girl starts to lose that desirability for you, that’s when you need to start getting worried. But don’t panic! The last thing you want to do is act out with some emotional reaction, further cucking yourself like a flaming liberal.

I want you to understand that women, even the ‘crazy’ BPD girlfriend types, want to be loved and to give the love that they have.

So you can read all the self-help books you want. But if you’re not living the type of life and attitude that turns women on, eventually her nob is going to turn completely off. And that’s when she’s gone for good.

Don’t let that happen to you. You need to learn how to keep that knob turned up at a high level at all times. That’s why you need to sign up for my daily email newsletter and get yourself moving on the right track.

6. Mistakes, Mistakes, Mistakes

While there are many possible reasons why your girlfriend is pushing you away right now, there’s no denying that you have made a number of small mistakes which are to blame.

It’s time to take some responsibility, my friend. I get a lot of heat for this, but it’s usually from frustrated chumps who think their acts of kindness should be rewarded with thousands of mind-blowing blowjobs.

Sorry son, but that’s not how things work in the real world – maybe in your Ideological world, but not in the real world.

All it takes is one, little mistake to discredit the thousands of good things you’ve been doing for your girl. That’s all it takes. Pretty wild, right?

A lot of men get butt hurt over this fact, but that’s fine. I’m here to give you the truth. I don’t sugar coat anything which is why I’m surprised I still have fans in this sensitive world we live in.

But fret ye not – if you’re thick-skinned and can handle the truth, then I’m sure you’re agreeing with a lot of what I’ve been saying so far.

And here’s an even more confusing part that will send all the goodie two-shoes in an uproar: if a woman strongly desires you, you can get away with practically anything!

That totally contradicts what I was saying above, right? If one little mistake can ruin everything, then how can you get away with a lot of mistakes?

Ah my little grasshopper that’s the point – when a woman has that strong desire for you, the relationship dynamic is completely changed. You can now be your true, genuine self and enjoy a relationship as it’s meant to be enjoyed.

And she will love you for it! She will crave you more and more, even though you’re not perfect by any means.

7. Technology and Social Media is Changing the Game

Walk onto any bus or subway and what do you see? Men & women sucked into their digital devices like they just discovered porn for the first time.

We’ve really devolved to become an interesting species if you ask me. What happened to actual human interaction? And online dating? I’m in my young 30’s and I still think online dating is a joke.

I like to say that we’re devolving. It’s a fun word to use. Technology might be making life easier for us, but we’re definitely becoming a less intelligent society as a whole.

Instead of relying on experts and professionals for answers, we’d rather hear what Kim Kardashian has to say about the economy. You know… because she knows so much about it… yeah…

Goes to show you that we just live in a very different, crazy world compared to just 5 years ago. And 10 years ago? What is that? Wasn’t there a guy named Bush doing something in some desert?

I personally choose to stay away from social media as much as possible. I get on there and debate some liberals from time to time for entertainment (which I gladly share with you), but in general I stay away.

I like the real world. Remember that I’m a realist. And if there’s anything you get out of my teaching… it’s for you to be an independent thinker as well. I want you to think for yourself. To do your own research.

Stop taking the words of others. Just because some bitter dude on a Reddit thread said that BPD is impossible to deal with does not mean it’s true. But I feel like I need to constantly explain this.

In Conclusion

Well you made it. You reached the end. High-five! You must seriously value your self if you made it this far. And that’s great! I want you to value your self and to want the best out of your life.

After all, if you didn’t value your relationships and the women in your life, why even live? Life would be pretty damn boring.

Maybe that’s why all the crazy feminists of the world can’t find a partner? Because they don’t value themselves? I could be wrong. But that’s what it looks like to me.

To get you started on the right path, you should get on my daily email newsletter. I’ll throw in a free little guide that will teach you some solid info.

Yes, it’s the same report that I mentioned at the beginning. It’s important, which is why I keep throwing it in your face.

100% FREE PDF REPORT DOWNLOAD

THE #1 MISTAKE THAT SENDS INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS TO THE GRAVE

(FIXING THIS 1 MISTAKE COULD BE THE ANSWER YOU'RE LOOKING FOR)

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Comments

  1. Terserah says:

    Guys,It’s really not hard to pick up girls. You just need to edcatue yourself and luckily, there’s some sick guides out there.

    • Yes, it is all about education. This website isn’t really about pick-up or seduction or whatever. It’s about teaching long-term relationship skills and helping people think for themselves.

      • Hi Rick,

        I believe this is probably a question you hear often, how do you get a female that has been abused physically and emotionally prior to you to open up to you. I did all you mentioned above, I asked her friends for advice which backfired and she blew up at me and said she could never trust me again. She mentioned relationships are personal and I shouldn’t be sharing it with anyone. Knowing that now but she is still distant and could. I let her do all the reaching out, she calls me everyday at least twice a day, but we rarely see each other. Our conversations are getting dry on occasions and when I don’t answer or call back right away she gets angry. She is jealous but our main issue is the lack of time we spend with one another. She rather stay home and lay in bed and watch tv instead of coming to my house or go out? Oh yeah she lives with her parents so its not like im welcomed. She is 24 and I am 37, the age difference doesn’t bother her at all but it does her parents. So what is my best course of action?? your insight is appreciated.

        • Never ask her friends/family for advice. That is bad, no where do I say to do that lol. Just let her keep reaching out. If she doesn’t want to open up to you, then that’s her decision. Don’t force her. However, you can play your hand and say something like ‘Look, if you can’t open up to me and tell me what you’re REALLY feeling, then how do you expect us to have a future? It’s just not in the cards for us until you do” and then just go about your own business and see if she reaches out to you a few days/weeks later.

          • Hey Rick man I see how much you reply to people and I’m honestly amazed you take that much time so I’m praying I get a reply to. I thought I knew more than most guys and was better at relationships than most but I meet this girl at a loves gas station when she’s 20 going to school has a kid and just got divorced I’m 27. Well one of her friends says she likes me so we start dating but bc of my job I’m gone all the time. So we would go 3 weeks even a month without talking but every time I contacted her and wanted to see her she jumped at the chance. Well this went on for like a year and she ended up getting pregnant and confronts me that this wasn’t going anywhere is it? Bc she asked me all the time if it was and I was like ya but never really connected with her. So then I told her no it hasn’t and we agreed that she should not have the kid. And we didn’t talk for a year after that we’ll my life changed and I wondered how she was doing so I reached out to her and texted her and she had moved to a different city got a really good job at a large corperation. Is now 23 I’m 30 We agreed we should catch up and when we met up sparks flew and we have been great for 3 months already talking about me moving to the city and getting a place together and even talked about when we would want a kid of our own things were awsome all ways talked about how much we loved each other and how much we missed each other then she leaves on a weekend and it was like the next day which was 3 weeks ago something changed. She started becoming distant and not texting as much and I wasn’t getting as many I loves yous and I miss yous and then I noticed she was on fb alot before she would even reply and would go like almost the entire day before she would reply and I just said man you have been slacking on texting on lately just bantering with her abit but then she says she hasn’t realized and she’s just been super busy and then I shouldn’t have but I said well you have been on fb alot soo. … and she didn’t like that to much so I saw her thr next day and asked her what was the problem. And she acted like nothing was wrong. So I expressed my concern I know she’s going to grad school and studying for her cpa exam so I told her I didn’t expect to be her first priority but it had felt like I had been her last and that wasn’t ok with me when we were so hot and heavy now this so fast something happened she swore she was just busy so I dropped it. So thought things were ok she left with I love yous and then that was a Wednesday and that Friday I asked when we were going to get to see each bc we hadn’t talked about it yet and we normally talk about it before she or I even leave the previous weekend. We’ll she said she was going to take her son to the fair then going to study bc she was behind but she could give me two hours Saturday night but I had to leave. I thought this was very different for her and thought she would have wanted me to spend the night at least then leave in the morning so she could study. But she was like no I need to make sure I get to bed on time and I didn’t take this well so I acted in a way I shouldn’t have and we started arguing and she said I wasn’t being sensitive to her needs and I said I do just am acting this way bc this is so different from just the other day I used to aplogize for taking her time with a phone call bc I knew how busy she was and would tell me never aplogize for that talking to me was the best part of her day and this was not your normal behavior you normally want to see me no matter what and it’s confusing when all the sudden you don’t I mean 2 hours all you can spare is a little nuts. So I decide to just drive up to talk to her face to face to figure out what was going on bc it was just more than being busy bc she had been before but still made time for me by the time I get their she’s asleep so I sleep in my car and wake up at 530 to her calling me and I told her I was outside could I come in and we talk. And she says she just woke up then I ask again well my friend is here with her daughter and I don’t want drama so I said can you at least come outside for a min and she says no I told you I was starting to study at 6 am and now I’m 3 min behind and blows up on me so I said well you were going to give me 2 hours tonight so why not now and she says well bc we agreed on tonight but then I was like I’m here now why have me drive 2 hours home then 2 hours back. Is that what you want do you really want to see me and she said if you are willing to make the drive then yes. So I ask if she will just come out to give me a hug. Nope. So I leave go get my haircut then calls a but later and says are you still planning on coming up tonigjt and I say yes then she says well I’m not getting as much done as I thought so you probably shouldn’t now. So I apologized for pressuring her and dropped it at 130 pm Saturday she doesn’t text me till 10 am the next day saying she can’t handle me acting like that every time she gets busy and she will only get busier the closer her test gets so we talk I aplogize and swear to not act like that again and ask her if she wants to continue the relationship and she says if you don’t act like that then yes i dont want to break up and she says things are good but things never returned to normal and I finally saw her this past Sunday and we met with lots of kissing and hugs but then watching the movie I got up a couple of times and she would get her phone out and be texting and I walked back in and she would put it right away and I said once umm are you not going to finish that text not accusing her and she was like oh no its no big deal I don’t want to be rude. So before she leaves I ask before I start making moves to move to the city and making decisions that can’t be changed are we on the same page and she says yes but I still can’t shake the feeling things are not ok or the same. What should I do?

          • Well I hate to say it, but 3 months just isn’t nearly enough time to be saying i love you and i miss you all the time, and definitely too early to talk about moving in together and what not. So what happened here is clearly you falling too much into the honeymoon phase. It’s why I always tell people to stick with reality because the honeymoon phase is a fantasy. It’s not real. So, knowing this, your girl who isn’t really that attached to you has met a new guy and is now texting him. Sounds crazy to you, but really you have only been dating for 3 months long distance so it’s no surprise to me at all that she is able to fall for another guy so quickly…

  2. Vera hudson says:

    I happen to be one of these women and its true, this works. Actually.this is why im here because I noticed his behavior change and I knew he was trying something new on me. Lol thanks for the info

  3. sally fay says:

    I don’t know what most women want or need but I don’t want a man always trying to take the lead or to take the reigns. Everything in moderation sure it’s nice to have someone to lean but, I don’t want anyone trying to control me or my life. I start distancing myself in a relationship if I feel a man is being too wishy washy or clingy. It’s difficult to feel safe wiith someone that doesn’t seem to have a clue what they want or if you feel they rely on you for their direction in life. That’s just my take on it

    • Exactly, I never tell men to be clingy, in fact I tell them to be the opposite. So thank you for agreeing with me :)

  4. Person says:

    In my case, I really don’t think me “taking control,” “saying no,” etc, was what my ex wanted at all. In fact, almost every time I tried to do one of those things she got mad. She had our entire weekend planned out a week in advance, and if I tried to deviate from her plans in any way she’d rage. Like when my friend from the other side of the country came to visit unexpectedly and I wanted to take her out to meet with them for a night out in the city. Also, since I’m an introvert at times I would tell her that I needed a day to be alone on the weekend and she’d rage then also.

    For the 4th of July (a Friday) she was supposed to go away with friends somewhere where I couldn’t go with her (friends place that I didn’t know and wasn’t invited to). I had already told her that I planned to spend the 4th with friends so she knew that in advance. She ended up changing her plans and wanted me to go with her to her dads beach house for the weekend. I told her I’d go after I was done at my friends party on the 4th and be with her for the rest of the weekend. RAGE. Because she wanted me to meet her at her dads beach house a night earlier. I explained that I already made those plans but ended up cancelling and giving in to avoid her wrath. In cases like this I really don’t think standing my ground would have made her love me more.

    Are there different types of BPD who this idea doesn’t apply to?

    • No you’re just incorrect here but you’re free to believe what you want. Women are women whether they have BPD or not. It’s why I’m able to date them so easily. If she would have raged at me, I would have then told her to f*** off. You wouldn’t ever do this though because you fear losing her and she knows this. So she can rage at you all day long. But she wouldn’t rage towards me because she knows I wouldn’t hesitate to dump her. That’s the big difference here bro. You’ve got to work on this attitude. She can read you like a book, she knows she has control over you and therefore she knows she can get away with all this RAGE.

      A BPD would never try to rage at me because she already knows that it would backfire and only cause her to lose me. This is what you need to work on.

      • Person says:

        Yeah, I get what you mean, I need to work on that. In the case of my particular ex though, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have tolerated me telling her to f*** off haha. I know this probably works with most girls but I swear she would have said “I can’t believe you just said that to me” and gotten even more mad. But maybe that’s expected and you just need to walk away and she’ll beg for you back?

        Actually, she pissed me off and I called her an a**hole and that was what prompted the breakup. We were talking over text and she immediately broke up with me. She may have already had me painted black by then though, I don’t know. I had stood my ground before, but that was the first time I responded that way.

  5. Frankythehotdog says:

    This is actually pretty accurate. I suffer the same with my boyfriend. I also appreciate the fact that you know that women arent money hungry whores like so many other men stereotype them as! Great article!

  6. Sarah Anne says:

    I am a BDP woman and I have unfortunately pushed my partner to far and self sabotaged my relationship. I feel like he had some minor BDP traits too but he has finally left me. I never thought it would happen and didn’t take it seriously and now it has happened, I am devastated. I am seeking help through therapy and trying to fix my abusive behaviours. I feel into a trap of breaking him down slowly over time and then saying I would change when he stood up to me. Everything you have said is exactly correct and I miss him so much. I improved my behaviour so much from my relationship before this one but I guess I feel into my learned habits again and I feel so bad :(

    • Sorry to hear about that :( We all have our own bad habits and issues so believe me when I say that you’re not alone in this struggle. We must always be constantly aware of our bad habits so that we can learn to resist falling into them :)

  7. mickey says:

    Hi all pritty much new to all this but recently my girl being distant just like she try a test me were not arguing or out like that witch is really weired compaired to other relationships i have had.
    I wanna try sort things out if not gonna lose her n I ant no family or friends to turn to probs why im lookin through shite on the net il end up on a smashed up mission 2mayhem.
    Looking 4any advice chuck the book at me

  8. I had been dating this girl for about 3 weeks. Idk if she’s bpd or not but I do know about a month ago she started acting different. She was miserable every time we were together. Now yes we did rush things, she literally told me she loved me and to never leave her which should of been red flag number 1. We were spending every night together at her place which was in hindsight not a good idea. Well she had her nursing clinicals one weekend and i was off work. I took care of her dogs cleaned her house washed and put away dishes, not because i felt obligated but because i wanted to and i can’t just sit around and do nothing. Well I had picked my little brother up to spend time with him and we had to swing by her house and get something. While we were there i let the dogs out to use bathroom and he was running around with them and i took pictures. I posted those pics on Facebook and that was all it took for her to flip out! She told me to “get the fuck out” and “I think we need some time apart”. Her parents and children were awkwardly walking through the door when all this went down. I asked her stepfather if this is something that happends a lot and he said “dude she does this to everybody, she’ll push you away, belittle you and make you as miserable as her”. So i leave and go watch the Steelers game, i am posting about the game on Facebook she sees it and starts bombarding me with text messages about how i don’t care about our relationship and things like that. I agree to come over after work and talk. Of course when i got there she said “it’s midnight and I’m not talking” so we go to bed. That whole week we were barely speaking and on Halloween night she texted me “I’m deleting your number you don’t talk to me good luck with everything” then said “I texted you the other night and you didn’t bother to respond” which was a lie because I did respond an hour later. I told her i was working on my car with my cousin which i was. In a nutshell i basically told her to stop with the mind games either you want to be together or you don’t. 45 minutes later she said she was sick and might need to go to er. Which sounded like bs but i went up there and stayed with her anyway. I tried to see her the next night, I asked her if i could she said idk. I tried again that Monday she said her boys were staying over which before was not a problem however I under any circumstances would never ask anyone to me before their children period. So i told her to tell them i said hello. She said she would and we haven’t spoke since. After what her stepfather told me I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. It then became hard to trust her, she was blaming all of this on me telling me i needed to fix it but i didn’t know what to fix. I stopped texting her she hasn’t bothered to contact me, it’s been a month now and idk if i handled this right. Everyone (friends family etc.) Told me the best thing for me was to get away before it got worse but i don’t know if i made the right decision.

    • It’s all a learning experience. Basically you lost the game with this one. Understand that there’s really nothing for you to ‘fix’ ever. This is just a shit test that women give to test you. You failed that by thinking you need to fix anything. If a girl tells me to fix things, I’d simply say ‘Nah I won’t fix anything, I like it how it is.’ So yeah this is just a typical case of not playing the game right. It’s a good learning experience. You’re WAY too dependent on her reactions to what she says which then makes you needy and reactive yourself, all very unattractive to females. This is why you lost her. You’re also very logical with her which is unattractive as well.

      I would also suggest to ignore advice from family/friends UNLESS they are guys that are actually dating high quality women. These men actually know what they’re talking about. So ONLY seek advice from these men if you know for a fact that these guys are legit and got these women based on skills. These are the guys you listen to. Ignore everyone else, just say Thanks for the advice and change topic.

  9. Roodi says:

    Hello dear community ,

    This is going to be a hugly detailed but not too detailed explainations of what happened to me and I would love to earn help and your oppinions as it seems to go wrong

    I currently am in a difficult situation where exactly this happened to me. (Guide)
    A girl who I know for 6 months right now and met in a Online Game and lives in another country always respected me for who I was and doing my own things/following my own live in first place , she even asked if I am busy and respected me when I seemed a bit absent or responded to her with delays. We always had a very fun time , it used to be like magic between us and her humor combined with mine was just so enjoyable. She has invested a lot in me, built up sexual tension , flirts and tried to get in touch with me like every day and night when she was about to sleep but I just arrived. (Even used to talk sometimes until 7 am).
    One day she left for a 2 months lasting trip to the beach and wanted to see me in person as she liked me a lot … told me she will be sure to have an awesome time with me , convinced me a lot in any way to do so.

    At all the past weeks went terribly wrong , I had this fear to lose her because she got a little bit more absent , had a bad week overall and didn’t interact with me in this week as usually.
    I asked her what’s wrong , she explained it to me and it was reasonable , I cheered her up and everything turned great again. Tho she got into this again and I told her what I’m thinking about this … That I would like to spend more time with her again since she seemed to do it more with her friends (who she sometimes dropped to be with me). Of course sometimes you need time for yourself so I gave it to her , but she was still distant to be. Suddenly I met a new friend of her (didn’t know it’s just a friend for 1 year already by this times) who I thought she is into because they spent more time together than we did. The mistake I’ve done : I used to be jealous and showed it to her … I even asked if she sees more than a friend in him but she didn’t answer , so I assumed : No answer -> is an answer that means yes. Big mistake I know.

    The huge mistakes I’ve done after that were changing myself into the guy Rick mentioned above (worried , doubts , confusion appears , …) so I changed my behavior. Totally not myself anymore because I used to be feared to lose her to this guy and I pushed her a bit aswell to meet up , chased for her attention and thought about her mind all day.

    At all we met us some day I spontaneously flew to her hometown after friends recommended me to do so because we could never set really plans and I wanted to convince her and show her she has not to be feared that I am not interested in her enough and will drop her like her 2 ex boyfriends who lived on distance. (The mentioned pushing that we finally meet up after she invited me several times in summer but it unfortunatelly didn’t work out and we used to be disappointed , she started to get doubts and back into her bad experience with Ex boyfriends). So she wanted to be friends for a while , not to lose because she loved my company. Her Exes dropped her also as a friend after break up and don’t talk anymore. So before she regrets it (her words) she wants it to be like this and see where it goes , let it run by itself.

    I tried to convince her that I am not like them , she was pretty sure that I am different but still had her doubts and the anxiety for a relationship. I pushed her kinda often and told her to have an easy meeting for a few weeks to see how it goes. We finally met after she had some excuses not to. She decided at all to give me a chance and meet me up in person. Because I haven’t been myself and still had all those doubts , thoughts and worries it used not to be as it should have been.

    Right in the beginning it started great , I leaded her to a restaurant since I was hungry and she got us to a romantic Cafe. I turned a bit attached , clingy and played with her hair every here and than , touched her legs when she told me about her new leggings , put my hand on her back as we took walks (after she said it’s cold too) but she walked in a faster speed and so I did. Suddenly I stopped and she got back after a while too. It was a pushing and pulling. She liked it but not for too long , it felt like I chased her. We took pictures before we left where we kissed us on cheeks and she suddenly hugged me very tightly before the tram arrived.

    She was still surrounded by my arm as the was about to enter but turned around again to set for a goodbye kiss which ended up on cheeks. She asked me whether she can upload those pics of us and I agreed. Description : good times , good friends. She told me she had a good time afterwards and really would like to stay friends. 2nd meeting was not that great as we had a talk about us both again and she got upset/annoyed, told me “she likes someone else” and does not want me which ended up that she deleted the pictures because I did not see her only as a friend. I met her with a friend but she used to be very cold and distant, didn’t look into my eyes either but I teased her about her behavior and just had fun with the friend doing this. It worked out and she I made her laugh kinda often, but she talked more to our friend than to me. We went to a bar and I turned as in meeting 1 again , touched her often even tho she put her bag inbetween us and moved slightly away. Later on the friend left and she had to leave “suddenly” too. We met us a 3rd time in a mall , we met us somewhere else and went there together. It was fun in the beginning , she tried to walk away but I didn’t care in a fun way and she tried to grab my arm , giggling and telling us to go. At the mall we took a walk around and she moved to a cafe. I asked here where she would go and went there together. I chose a place to sit ,teased her , dranked a few times of her coffee (each time she laughed) , played games as teenies like fighting with thumbs , holding her hands when she tried on purpose to grab for her phone , talked about her childhood made fun of her … At all we had a great time and I made her laugh kinda often. But after a while it went different as I tried to touch her more too often and was about to get closer. We took a last walk in the mall , she was about to show me something , she used to be the leader again and moved infront of me , on rolling stairs she went a few steps infront of me aswell. At a point I leaded us to a store because I was looking for myself ear rings.

    I asked her to watch a movie in the cinema but she had to leave to meet with a girlfriend. I “offered” her to join me and my friends later for a bar or club and she would let me know later if she joins. In the tram we took a picture together after I asked to but she was not so excited. In the end after I brought her to smile again I tried to go in for a goodbye kiss (fast) which ended up on her cheek. (Yes , I know how to act usually) We didn’t meet this day again.
    1 week later we met us again after my friend invited her to a birthday party (which was mine aswell) of another guy. She didn’t know I will be there too. So we met us there , welcomed her and I talked to my friends but also other people. When I tried to talk to her for a while friends grabbed me away to play games together (So I won’t show her my attention all the times they tried to help). It worked at first when I spent time with a friend and 2 other girls , she got interested in talking to me and so we did.

    Tho I talked to her almost the whole party , left here and there to talk to other guys who crossed our way but only for short moments. I invested more in the conversations to keep them rolling than her … Made her laugh , brought her a beer after I disappeared for a while and enjoyed the time tho , we had a bit body contact , told me about her week , the new dress she had but as I showed her a more attention she got a bit distant again. It felt like she had the “lead”. A drunken friend pushed us together at some point and forced us to dance with his violence (rub her hips against mine) which was totally stupid and made her feel uncomfortable and leave. Before she did he talked to her about me , why she is acting like this for a few weeks towards me , behaving as that , …
    A couple of minutes later she left but I stopped her on the streets and talked to her, asked her at first what’s wrong and why she changed like this. We basically had the same talk as we had before the 2nd meeting ( Likes someone else, can’t and doesn’t want to be my girlfriend , ->changed her mind <- (surely because I did in the past weeks)). I explained her why I showed up here at all again , to be here for her , to convince her that I would not see her only every few months and get bored of distance like her Ex boyfriends and minor her fear about it

    But she gave only the same answers and tried to set the whole thing as : She wanted to see me as friends only , tho we never have been friends. Friends are not flirting this heavily as we did , don't have this sexual tension and minds and we showed it. Her answer to this : Well okay , but this was a while ago. Before we started to "fight" and I turned into the jealous , worried and all above mentioned things guy who changed himself because of that it used to be a very great time for 6 months between us , in 4-5 weeks it just changed because of my behavior. Later on she left when I was thinking.

    1 week later there was another party , I asked the friend again to invite her and I wanted to show her my real , own character , attitude and behavior … I finally tried to drop this different guy of myself. To show her , why she liked and fell in love with me in first place , why she invited me to meet her finally … The masculin , fun and "leading" guy who made her feel awesome.
    But she knew I would be there too and didn't respond to the friend and also not show up.
    2 days after the party she suddenly contacted me after 9 days since the last party and asked me online : Where are you?
    I met her in the game where she asked me to get on Facebook to talk to her , she wants to talk to me and a bunch of minutes later I joined it. Alright , I showed up and she asked me out as : How are you ? How is your study going ? Where are you currently ? I answered her casually but short , she was friendly and curious. Later on I told her that I am free and which made her wonder what I will do in my free time. I told her that I am still in her hometown (she thought I left 1 week ago since I told her I would and was kinda surprised/shocked)
    She asked me why and I told her I enjoyed the company of a lots of new friends , people and city here. It made her glad that I have a fun time here but I should go back to my country.
    Later on she asked me if I have been on the party , I didn't properly answer her to this because I knew that she wanted to know if her thoughts that I would be there were right.
    She asked me again , after 40 minutes she asked me if I decided to stay longer because of her.
    After 2 hours I got back and gave her a honest answer (shortcut) : Yes I used to be longer each time I told her I will leave soon for her , but since she acted like this, tried to push me and changed her behavior in the last week I decided to stay longer for all the experience , people and friends here … to have a good time before I will get back. It was yesterday and she saw my message , tho didn't answer yet.

    I'm sorry for this very long and kinda detailed description again but I had to get rid of all this thoughts and would like everyone and Rick who hopefully was patient enough and read it until the end what actually happened.

    My big questions at all :
    – Can I show her in any way my real self again , the guy who she liked and fell in love with ?
    – What can I do now to do so ?
    – If someone did not act and behave as you should (Leading , Masculin , and all other in the Guide mentioned ways) for a long time even tho he has been for most of the duration, is there a chance to turn things around and be that again ? To show and make the woman feel like this again ?
    -How could that work ?

    I don't want to get too much into here since I already did hehe so I would love to hear a response any time soon if possible. It feels like I am caved and a bit helpless.

    Thanks in advance

  10. I have an ex girlfriend who I think has BPD (though not sure). She is actually the mother of my daughter and we were set to get married a couple of months ago, but I caught her talking to another guy in a flirty way and found out she was going to get drugs from him. She has done this to me a couple of times before and i have always gave her the boot (like i did this time) but she will constantly call crying wanting me back and start totally loosing it. I eventually give in and let her come back and everything will be good again for a year or so until she does it again. This time she vowed to get help and has been going to recovery groups but i have remained strong about he getting help before i let her back in. We haved stayed in constant contact and i have been nice to her letting her stay at my house to hangout (never overnight). We have even had sex a couple of times, but out of nowhere she starts getting distant from me and stops telling me she misses me and loves me and all that. Now all of a sudden I am not so strong. lol. I have ripped her a couple of times for being cold hearted but i have also told her i want to work this out so we can have a family that our Daughter can grow up in. She always lies about everything so i can’t tell if she has cheated. I would like to work it out for our daughter and hopefully getting help makes her look at herself and why she does this all the time. But i am a little confused about how to act. I have told her I am done with her, but she will continue to contact me through text just not as frequent as she used to and not ever talking about our relationship like she had the prior month or so. She’s hard to read. I can’t tell if i should tell her to leave me alone and ignore her or what. She is super smoking hot but she is crazy as hell. it’s almost not worth it but i do love her.

    She is the type of girl that will do what everyone else wants her to do just because she puts everyone before herself. But she also is selfish and does whatever she wants to do regardless if it hurts anyone. It’s like she is the sweetest person on earth and super kind but she’s jacked up in the head becasue she doesn’t know what she wants

    • Yeah man it’s tough especially with the kid involved. The right move in this case is to stop getting logical with her – stop telling her you’re done with her. Stop telling her you love her. Stop expecting to hear that from her. Stop giving her the boot. ONLY do these things if you really intend to never see her again. But you have a kid. So you can’t. My honest advice is to just treat her like a kid and be aloof with her. You have a daughter so she needs to grow up thinking you and mommy are good friends and love each other. That’s my advice. Stop causing any drama. Either end things for good and remain friends, or just live with the fact that she might cheat on you. Don’t make it an issue.

      • Its me and you know it says:

        It is literally impossible to talk to someone when they need you to be something that you’re clueless on. It is impossible to say what you have too to someone you feel wrong talking or even showing any interest in. It just cant be translated when the message you need to be read by them whimply says ‘help’ when your supposed to have grown up to be someone who is supposed to be more like their parents. Its a really really dumb idea making any attempt to connect when you’ve blasted your life away, killed off all emotional type feelings, gone off the deep end (mentally) you’re a train wreck waiting to be spotted, when this person you need and what you need from them can’t be asked from them. No attempt should have even been made in such a desperate state-of-mind especially when first contact after 5 years went wrong, felt like failure and what i do can’t be explained. Even worse i was shittin myself shakin like a leaf waiting there for them to rock up. Rick – i’d lost my mind at a person who probably already hated me. Self-respect? What’s that? I chose to try because i knew a girl with similar past who felt a need to talk, wanted me to understand her. This time i really stuffed it up. I’d been living in self-destruct/ hate the world mode for years prior to this reunion. This was with someone who used to call me uncle. The fun side to a few online head games was breaking point for me. Nobody really knew, i really broke this baaaad. Now i destroy the ashes to keep it away, cause yeah you’re right – no self-respect no sanity and too desperate for the company of what was once a friendly face. Just last night i followed a lead to check up on something that bothered me ages ago. She saw i think, still dont actually know as i refuse to check in sober state of mind. Couldn’t bare it. Still don’t know if what i saw was her in distress situation or just an in your face freak response.

        • “I’d been living in self-destruct/ hate the world mode for years prior to this reunion.” That’s your problem right there. Because you were projecting a very negative vibe, who do you expect to be attracted to that? Obviously someone with negative vibes as well. So like I always say, you only have yourself to blame. You are responsible for your mess. Accept it and don’t make the same mistake going forward.

  11. I would like to discuss my situation in detail. It is pretty complicated. Can you let me know where we can go from here? Thank you.

    • I have several coaching options above, just take a look there and get in contact with me.

  12. Hello Rick ,

    I’ve got a complicated situation there with a girl who lives in another country to this topic.
    We met us randomly in a Online in a Video Game this year Summer and started to like us.
    She liked me so much that she was chasing me and initiating the contact most of the time I was never needy , instead funny and mysterious.

    One day she left for vacations that lasted 2 months she invited me to see her near her hometown but we haven’t seen us in the summer. Of course we were disapointed and she thought I would never see her , tho I made it out that we will meet in her hometown soon so we continued contacting as we did.
    Unfortunately she earned bad memories of her ex boyfriends back who lived on distance too and it didn’t workout with (1 hour away from her) and told me about her fears of getting hurt and being dropped again but also of losing me out of her life if it doesn’t work out with a relationship between us so she wanted to be friends at first and see how it continues between us since she likes me a lot.

    She knew I am not as her ex boyfriends , I conviced her to continue as we did and finally go for a meeting. We tried to set some meeting but could not see us for a long time , she wasn’t sure about her schedule or got scared again as soon as we tried to get serious with meetings again , tried to be friends instead even when she wanted to meet me in person so badly and see how it runs between us and mentioned I am boyfriend material.

    After few months , she turned colder and more distant. Of course I wondered why and contacted her more often. She explained me that she simply had a bad week , I cheered her up as I always did and it runned normally again. Tho it kept jumping like this and I started to chase her , being needy which was a huge mistake as I figured out and read in your topic here.
    I even turned jealous to a guy who is simply her friend but she spent a good amount of time with, asked her if she sees more than a friend on him. I didn’t get a reply to this of course.

    We tried to set a meeting for Christmas, it was 2 months in October before it would happen.
    She couldn’t plan so early and I pushed her a little bit to try to. It didn’t work.
    Finally I decided to go for a spontaneously meeting , to make it easier to her because I know her university schedule which she sent me by her own one day. I did a move but she was not so happy about it because I did not set a plan with her.

    We still talked about it the next day , I talked about flirty and funny things as we always did but she told me we will meet but as friends only, that she does not want to be my gf and likes someone else. For me it seems like she is still fullfilled with anxiety , of course I acted a little bit needy , a bit pushyand insecure too when she turned cold but the bigger reason to me was the fear of getting hurt again.

    After 3 days of trying to meet I threw the ball to her to set a meeting for us. It worked and we finally met. 2 times alone , 1 time on the party and 1 time with a friend. Each time went okay in the start , we had fun together, I made her laugh often and long. As soon as we got closer and she tried to back off a little bit , came back again. It was jumping between pushing and pulling. I felt hear fear again. I tried to be nice but didn’t flirt with her so much , I acted differently than I usually did (Mysterious, teasing , cocky and funny , being a challenge) are the things I love to do and she loved too. No I didn’t try to copy another behavior and yes this are some PuA words . And I think she noticed I was different too.

    Before the 2nd and last meeting at the party she told me again that she does not want me , likes someone else and changed her mind. After 9 days of no contact she contacted me on Facebook , got curious if I am still around , If I have been to another party 2 days before she contacted me and how I am doing. I told her that I am still around because I enjoy the company of friends and all the new people and experiences. She was glad to hear that but was about to say that she thinks I should leave soon.

    Her last question to me was If I decided to stay longer in her hometown for her. I gave her an honest answer : Yes I did at first but since you tried to push me away , behaved differently in the past weeks and acted this way I chose to stay around for a while for the fun here.
    She did not reply to this message for 2 weeks now and we haven’t seen each other for 3 weeks.

    What do you think Rick ? She was
    Can I try to go for another shot ? Was my last message so wrong that she doesn’t reply ? What could I do now ? I am afraid there is really another guy she has a crush on and each day I do nothing I might lose her more.

    • Yeah sorry man she just isn’t into you, she’s just being your typical gamer girl stringing guys along. Gamer girls are no different from normal girls when it comes to dating. You still got to play by the same rules. These girls have soooo many gamer guys constantly wanting them, giving things to them in games, trying to play with them – it’s the ultimate form of loser in my eye. She’s basically a queen online instead of in real life. So she goes here for all her validation.

      Gamers think that just because you and her play games, you guys should date! You have so much in common! Well, the reality is that being a gamer isn’t cool, it isn’t sexy, it isn’t attractive at all. I like games but I keep this part private from my love life UNLESS the girl likes games as well. I don’t need to talk about gaming because I’m doing so many other things that are interesting. If she mentions she’s a gamer, then I might say “Well of course games are fun” or something of that nature.

      99% of gamer guys fall into the trap, kiss her ass and think they can have a shot. It’s a dream to be with these gamer girls for these guys. But the gamer girl doesn’t actually want a gamer guy UNLESS he has a cool lifestyle and ecosystem OUTSIDE of video games (which 99% don’t like I said). This is why most gamer girls that are attractive don’t have gamer boyfriends, lol. They go for the guys that have awesome things going on outside of the computer.

      So when you come along and are trying so hard to get her to see you, she wants nothing to do with it because you’re now no different from all those other guys online wanting her – hundreds and hundreds of guys. Maybe thousands. So believe me, you’re not the first guy that’s tried to go to her town and meet her. She’s probably had dozens of guys do this.

      In the end, she’s still going to date a guy that follows the correct rules. He’ll most likely not be a gamer at all. It doesn’t matter how good you are at PUA stuff, girls aren’t going to go for a gamer guy unless he actually has an awesome lifestyle and ecosystem to back it up. 99% of gamers don’t have this, thus why they fail with women and turn to PUA material (which only works on low quality, drunk women). All you have to do is look at the professional gamers, the BEST of the BEST. 90% of these guys are virgins and the other 10% have girlfriends that are either ugly or just nobodies in general lol. That CLEARLY shows you how unattractive being a big gamer actually is.

      By you chasing her so hard, she KNOWS that she owns you, that you aren’t cool, that you have no lifestyle outside of games. And if you try to prove to her otherwise, you’ll fail even more and she’ll think you’re an even bigger loser.

      Anyway that’s my 2 cents on this. Dating women you meet thru games is tough. The best way to do it is to be friends but don’t chase. Let them come to you. I could do it but it would be interesting.

  13. Hmm. I think I mentioned maybe something wrong. Not trying to make it sound better nor want to sound upset. Please no , I am not !
    She is not that attractive to other guys and as far as I got known to get in this 6 months a shy and not for attention seeking girl nor mentions she is a girl just to get some. Currently she is not gaming at all and has other things going on (Talking with her friends).
    I’m not a typical gamer who sits infront of the computer all day and has nothing to going on his life. Actually I was always busy with something going on. In the summer I moved to another city to start an education , had a job running and was of course looking for a flat. So I didn’t have too much time to see her at the beach where she had no internet but mobile phone at all.
    She fought for me to finally meet in person and see how it goes between her and me , invested a lot , initiated talks by herself with me … She was on vacations and it would have been an easy time to get known to each other but unfortunatelly I didn’t show up.
    I had time for a few weeks , but I was also busy with my own things going on.

    Maybe she just wanted to have a romance for now , see how it runs between us as she mentioned the whole time , dropped other guys she told me and I knew of for me , even her friends were not the first priority.

    Mentioning that I am not interested enough of, having nothing going on in my life or she was not totally into me (it was pretty obvious she was) is so correct. She was very curious about my life, about me , trying to ask me out and told me about her life , feelings , her dreams , exceptions of relationships and her partner, she really wants to meet me see how it goes and a lot more. She gave me more than enough pretty obvious signs , behaviours and actions that she was really into me , I know how women and girls are if they really like someone.

    Even when we finally met us she was looking at me with this special stare , trying to get my stare and attention all the times. The problem here : I didn’t really do a move and kiss her even tho it was pretty obvious she wanted to. (A long hug before she left with slight moanings inbetween)

    Overall I don’t want to blame myself but I did not do a move earlier , she was disappointed when I didn’t show up in the summer , thought I would never see her and things seemed to be harder as we both had to continue with our normal lives. (We both study) So it wouldn’t be so easy at all to set meeting and she wanted to stay friends in order not get heartbroken again , being dropped like her ex boyfriends did because they got tired of distance even when it was just 1 hours away from her and not to lose me out of her life if it doesn’t work between us since she likes me a lot.
    (Of course living in another countries is a huger distance but hey, If I showed up early enough before I turned into this needy, insecure behaviours and we liked each others that much … Who knows if we wouldn’t move one day together ?)

    We still continued after I shared her my thoughts about it and she was sure by herself I am different than them, still fullfilled by her fears.

    After a couple of months as mentioned above it pushed her for a meeting , but doing plans for 2 months ahead was too far. I wasn’t patient enough. It wasn’t the worst part as we continued in a good mood. She worst part was when I used to be insecure , acted needy and jealous to a simple friend who I didn’t know of this times. Totally wrong yes.

    I mentioned the story quite a bit above. Today I asked her after 2 weeks of no contact and 3 weeks after we haven’t seen each other out for a coffee and tell her goodbye in person since I am still around , but I have to leave in 4 days.
    She told me she is sure if she can make it. I know she doesn’t seem so interested because of my behaviour in the past weeks and that I didn’t finally do a move by taking actions such as kissing her and more.

    Hell yea I know what I did wrong , but is there really no way I could turn the tables one day and show her , I grew by myself , worked on the needy behaviour and show her the confident , funny guy who she was into for the whole time.

    I don’t want to force and can’t her to love me. No , I just want to show her why she liked me so much ,wanted to be with me and make her remember the good times we had.

    She was fullfilled with bad memories and fears

  14. And yes , I noticed as soon as I didn’t push or chase her she felt released ,came back by her own and was got interested again.
    She wanted to keep it was special friends after the summer to see where it leads us to , meet me in person and we’ll see.

  15. you gave a lot of really good advice.. So now Im left with the question of do I stay or do I go? We have 2 boys involved… Ive lost my masculinity and slowly getting it back.. I would hate to leave knowing that Im not what I used to be, which in my opinion, would make her right.. Im on the road to redemption but its tough… She tells me to leave and threatens me with child support… But will give her all to me…. Last night we hit a new low in arguing…. I just dont know if shes worth it? If I am a genuine loser and need to date down? If the next relationship would have a similar outcome down the line, which in most cases, yes… I guess I want us to be how we were when we first started or is this blissful thinking?

    • It’s blissful thinking. My advice is to do what you want FOR YOU and for your children. Just let your wife go do your thing for now. If she puts you down tell her to take a chill pill for a bit lol. Don’t bother trying to reason with her, it won’t work. Spend some time developing your own life outside of your family and you’ll be on the way back up.

  16. Also thanks for being a ear that listens.. Im going thru a tough time right now and dont feel too comfortable talking to friends…

  17. Ricky says:

    I have the problem… For years I hear from women I grow up around to be a sensitive caring guy… Im 29 now and realise its complete bs…i always get burned, cheated on and given up on… I dont get what you mean by masculine energy… Im not a push over but I am a laid back person, I get punished for that??? Im about ready to give up and say screw it… Its like a game… When this chick leaves me im done.

    • Ricky, I used to have the same problem, believe me. The biggest thing I lacked was leadership. It’s simply being the guy that will take the reins, do what he wants and won’t follow the crowd of other guys. Simply listening to what women told you growing up is a lack of leadership in the big picture. You’re basing your beliefs off of what people told you instead of discovering the truth on your own. I’m not faulting you at all here, I’m just hoping you’ll see the big picture here. Women want men that lead and go after what they want. You can be the nicest, most laid back guy in the world, but if you lack this leadership trait, you’ll do very poorly with just average women and have zero chance with above average/higher quality women. Obviously this is a major topic that I teach.

  18. denise says:

    Highly emotional people seem fun exciting but are not. There is an illusion and unhealthiness about it for both sides. Highly emotional usually is that they are mentally unstable from whatever reason, you can’t fix. Adjust, or change it. Ask yourself why your there enduring it really. Why we would even think that was exciting and a normal person not.

    • I fixed the typo :) But yes this is why when something seems ‘to good to be true’, it usually is. You can’t be wearing your heart on your sleeve. You need to let things develop over time because time always reveals the truth about someone. There are plenty of exciting, normal people out there so just got to be patient and look for those.

  19. Everything you say is spot on. Been dating my girl for 3 months. Started out great. Both of us haven’t been in a relationship in a while. Her schedule is very Demanding though and I feel I over compisated with always giving in to her schedule and her time. But felt it was the only way to see her. I made myself way to available which I found through reading is a turn off for her. The normal texting stopped and time spent together dropped. We still talk but, now go a day or two in between. Haven’t seen her in a week. She also has a lot going on at home. At this point should I just break it off because I’m really tired of the will she/won’t she call and trying to make plans, or feeling like I have to respond back. I really care about her but it just may be easier to let go.

    • As I outlined in Detox, it’s getting harder and harder to date in our society. People are very short-sighted and can bounce from partner to partner to partner. What I’m saying is that the minute she starts feeling bored of the relationship, she can easily find some new guy to entertain her. Now you can’t judge her for this, this is just how things are now. If she posts a picture of her looking cute on instagram, she has 50 guys drooling. So understand that as it’s important. The way you beat is, well, you first realize that the old way of doing things is obsolete and you learn all the new stuff I’m teaching here on my blog :)

      • I guess I’m torn over giving her the space she needs. But going days without speaking is getting nowhere. They say communication is key. I’d like to talk things out and mutually decide if this is something we can work through or not. Which is my instinct to do but also seems like the worst thing to do because it will push her away further and Make me look more needy. She cares for me but feels bad that she can’t be there for me as much as she feels I deserve. So she’s falling back into her shell. I just hate the not knowing. But aging the push/pull game is frustrating and seems like a waste of time.

        • Well, communication is much more than just words. I don’t even pay attention to words because I know that they hold no weight. So you sitting down and trying to figure things out with a conversation will make things worse like you assume. And you don’t know if she’s falling back into her shell. She could be dating other men for all you know. Not knowing is part of the game. You’re not god so you’ll never know everything. Don’t try to know everything. Worry about yourself bro. Let her do her thing. If she wants you, she’ll let you know. Most of the time these women don’t know what they want. So you gotta let them go do their thing and figure that out while you work on doing your own thing.

          • Right on man. After reading your material I realized I was way to focused on her than myself. Lost control of my emotions and became someone I’m not. And focusing on myself and doing my own thing has helped me get over a lot of the bad feelings. Also made everything clear as day as what I need to do going forward. I’ve come to accept if it’s meant to be it will. If not I will move on and be fine because life goes on. There are plenty of women out there and I will be better prepared for the next one if so. Thanks for the very helpful info Rick.

          • No prob man. If she texts you and just tries to have simple convo, then yeah just be nice. You can be like ‘Hey that’s great you’re doing your own thing :)’ all nice like that lol. It’ll throw her off big time ;)

  20. William says:

    Hi Rick!

    Ill try write as short as possible,

    I’ve been together with a woman now for 2 years (long distance relationship) and she everyday wanted attention as in spamming my phone, we used to talk every day about all day on the phone etc.

    One night a few weeks ago everything changed, it was kind of like she had been manipulated by someone close by like her mother, prev day she was loving and happy just like normal, then the big boom came, she called me shouting that i about wasnt enough for her but call ended up good.

    i was unemployed and yet in uni for another year.

    Next days i was looking for job and got jackpot n it just didnt seem like she was even happy for me.

    Then i did some crap moves in trying to do alot alot of things to show i have/had the will to make it better for both of us.

    She always claim to be busy with things and of course i respect that but she doesnt have a minute to write good morning or barely good night alot of days.

    Weeks of me waiting and her playing games on me, we finally spoke on phone again, i tried calling her before this but she just let it ring.

    It ended up with a long discussion and she ended up breaking up with me and some very rude things and i said quiet some things but nothing harsh.

    later that night she calls me back saying sorry and that she thought about what i said and we had a nicer conversation and i asked about trying again and she said she would think about it because she had alot going on in her life atm.

    Upcoming days shes just writing very very short and cold, i got her to text me back and she asked if i still loved her and then we called on the phone n she was sounding sooo sad, i told her i do still love her and that i miss her alot, she says the same to me and we both agreed to try again and everything would just go back to normal but it didnt sound like she was do positive about it , more like ” future will tell”.

    But only thing is there is no change, she barely writes anything to me n she says shes busy chatting with friends on the phone, i mean barely giving me a minute of her day all of a sudden since that day of her shouting n keep coming up with excuses of not talking.

    Other day she asked for my help with something and i helped out, she hasnt barely said a word ever since.

    And i should mention i am that kind of caring and bit more sensitive guy which worked fine until that day of shoutingness from her.

    I came up with an idea of seeing each other more often and all.

    is it just a better idea to let her text me n show that she actually wants this too? Im kinda clueless what to do in this seat more than being a man.

    Today she’s still being so quiet n even cold , not writing anything even good morning or good night or i love you, i just always have to write it first and before it was totally different story.

    She was very jealous of a friend of mine since i was young and idk if thats still in the drama but i tried over n over saying she is safe.

    And when we spoke about future she changed her plans ALOT after she started getting distant and i basically said i would adjust to it.

    Could really use some advice

    Thanks Rick!

    • I deleted my old comment because it’s just really hard for me to coach for this. You’re talking about a long distance relationship here. These relationship don’t work 99% of the time. So to me it doesn’t make sense why you’re limiting yourself to this one girl that lives far away. Why ignore the women around you in your city? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m all for having friends and knowing women all around the world, but I don’t commit to them. That just doesn’t make sense. Your girl is distant because she’s seeing and hooking up with guys in her city. You can say I’m wrong all you want but I’ll bet $10,000 right now that she’s dating/seeing a man in her city. Why else would she be distant? She only talks to you when she’s bored…

      • William says:

        Hi again!

        You see we´ve never had any problems throughout the whole time until just that day that she went crazy all of a sudden. she´s been happy all along until that day but then i tried making things better and show i had the will to make this happen, we planned to move together very soon and just out of the blue just she changed “attitude” due to fact i didnt have work yet.

        She´s gonna visit me soon and i wanna proove myself really hard to change her mind and i want back the good n sweet person in her. im talkin to her abit but she´s yeah very short and all.

        What would her benefits be to go back to being my girlfriend again and why not just skip that part if its totally useless?

        And to answer why to that person, i´am very adventurous and i love the fact of travelling in order to see someone.

        Thanks :)

  21. Patrick says:

    What should I do when my girlfriend is acting cold or being rude for no reason? Should I respond by calling her out and telling her I didn’t appreciate it or let it slide and give her space?

    • If she’s really your girlfriend and you two are in a committed relationship, then you should confront her and say ‘Hey, you’ve distant lately, what’s up?’ and if she gives you a cold reply then you say ‘Okay well just figure things out for a bit, let’s just take a break for now’ and then you go radio silent on her if she’s still not opening up to you. The idea is to just let her know that you’re there for her, but if she still won’t open up, DON’T PUSH. This is where most guys screw up. Just take a break and let her be. Often times just giving your girl space to figure things out is the best medicine.

  22. Ive been dating my girlfriend for more than 2 years now and she has always been open about the fact that she struggles with expressing herself emotionally and reaching out to me for affection. Of course we have talked about it and i’ve accepted it and I’m always willing to be patient with her. For the last two years, I have almost always had to be the one to reach out to her for emotional action (going to grab her hand instead of her grabbing mine, likewise with kissing, and even texting throughout the day. I usually go to her). The past couple weeks Ive noticed shes been acting cold and distant and being rude about things for no reason. After thinking about what it could be I talked to her one night about it and she got upset and frustrated with herself because she thought she was doing better with her emotional issues. We talked about it and it didn’t really end well. She was frustrated and mad even though my approach was kind and understanding. I would never come to her angry or demand anything from her. Its been about a week since then but i have noticed no change in her behavior. Shes still being cold and distant and rude to me for no reason. Shes barely talking even when I try to start a normal conversation with her. Any suggestions?

    • Yeah you just need to let her be to herself. This goes back to some very old advice I learned in like 1999 lol and it’s that you got to give her the gift of missing you. If she’s being distant and cold, this doesn’t mean you should be pushy and figure out what’s wrong. Just let her do her thing, give her all the space in the world and let her miss you.

  23. Greg Dean says:

    Can you please help me? I am recently divorced and ended up with a 41 year old never married women. We spent 5 weekends together and I was falling in love with her. I thought she also had the same feelings.

    Turns out this scared her and all she could say was we went from 1 to 100 very quickly. This scared her and really only said that her core is not this. She didn’t say much more than that. She lives 3 hours away and we have not seen each other since the discussion. we are both very ambitious and busy.

    How can I get her to come back to me. I just think she is awesome and makes me very happy. 41 and not married might be the reason for her reaction but I try not to think of this.

    • 5 weeks is way too early to think that you’re in love. She might have her own issues as well, but you gotta be patient man. Learn to take things slower. It’s funny she said 1 to 100 because I use that phrase all the time lol I’ll tell a client that they went 0 to 100 super fast lol. You always want to be around 50 if that makes sense and at most, 80.

      • Greg Dean says:

        So Rick, thank you for your response. Should I try to keep the communication going or should I just cut ties. She seems the one that might just be looking for the person that is not responsive, etc. (The chase)?? I have had several friends caution me since she is 41 and not married. That doesn’t bother me at all. 5 weeks is not enough but all I did was express my feelings (that’s me) and she just turned. I care for her deeply and don’t want to give up, so what would you recommend?

  24. Hi Rick,

    I was wondering if you could give me some advice on my current situation.

    About 6 months ago I started working at this place. At first, this was supposed to be temporary for me. I thought I was gonna work there for a month max and then leave. But then I met a girl who works there. I’ve really fallen for her. After a few weeks, we’ve gotten close. I found out that she lives very close to me and I started picking her up every morning, so we could drive to work together.

    A few weeks after that, I started attending the same college as her. We had same class. We would sit together, do all the group activities and projects together. She would even do homework for me from time to time when I didn’t have time to do it. We would also text each other during work every day. It was very enjoyable for both of us. We weren’t considered boyfriend and girlfriend, but even our coworkers and classmates could tell how strong our attraction was toward each other.

    Now one thing I didn’t mention is that we had almost no contact during our days off. Maybe only during holidays we would text “Happy holiday” to each other and that was it. She did give me a gift on Christmas, as did I. But it was a short meeting. I also gifted her a cute stuffed animal a day after Valentine’s, which she hugged and seemed to like very much. I guess I was too shy or still had fear from my previous relationship and that’s why I wasn’t calling her on weekends to ask her out, even though I wanted to very much. I didn’t want to move fast.

    About a month ago, I noticed a delay in time it takes her to reply to my texts. I also noticed that during class she would text a lot more than she used to. She would even walk out of the classroom to answer phone calls or type texts. And that’s when some of the classmates started asking her, in a non serious way, if she had a boyfriend. She told them that it was her cousin, but one girl joked about it by saying “oh, so that’s what you call them these days”. It was painful for me to hear.

    That same evening, as I was driving her home, I finally asked her if she had someone. In a confused way she said “well, yes and no, I don’t know”. I asked her if she understood why I was asking her this. Again, in a confused way, she said no, not really. That’s when I told her how I felt about her. She stayed silent for a few seconds, but then she told me that she felt so bad. She told me, in a nervous, fast way that her personality is very difficult and that she was sure that I’ll find someone for myself. I didn’t say anything other than good night after dropping her off home that night.

    Something else I didn’t mention is that she’s 21 years old, just a few years younger than me. And according to her friends, she’s never been in a relationship before. This might also explain her confused behavior.

    Now I’m still picking her up for work, since its on my way and drop her off home after college as usual. But I’ve noticed that I’ve become cold and distant from her.
    I didn’t reply to her text that she sent on the next day after that night. But next day after, she texted me a cute, funny video to which I simply replied “cute”. At college she asked me to come sit next to her so we could the the activity together again. I noticed her trying to make an eye contact with me more now when we speak, even though I seem to avoid it now.

    And that’s it. What would you recommend for me to do now? I know that she has very close friends who are married, older and have more experience than both of us. Could it be that I’m the one who is confused and being played or tried? Should I leave this work and change college or do I still have a chance with her?
    I do love her.

    • Sorry bro you don’t ‘love her’ as you have no idea what love is. Love isn’t picking her up or texting her or buying her gifts or all the other typical nice guy stuff you’re doing. You are in the friendzone and set yourself up for this. Your thoughts, your world probably revolves around her right? I don’t beat around the bush, I tell it as it is. The fact that you’re still picking her up for school is just mind boggling man. You just can’t let her go can you? Anyway, if you want any shot with this girl, you need to work on yourself and learn how to actually attract girls – which is what I teach. So buckle down, spend some time reading my articles and you should begin to see the light. Understand that if the girl isn’t trying to make you her boyfriend, then you’re doing it wrong.

  25. Rick,

    You are the man! I’ve been so blind for so long. I knew I had lost something but hadn’t figured it was my own self respect until I read your articles.

    You’re the best bro!

    Lou

  26. Aceleo says:

    Hi, i find out your article more likely to my condition.
    I am in a relationship nearly 4 months. My girlfriend and i am having a distant dating. Now a days she is not giving me enough time to talk and chat with her. She says only about her busy schedules. But she stills sends me the love stickers. She is not talking with me like before she used to talk. I suspect she feels i am desperate towards her. But she consoles me not be in stress and say me don’t worry all the time. I don’t know man whats going on in her mind. She is not showing the respect that she used to show me before. We used to have nearly phone sex when we used to chat in night. But now a days she is treating me as if i am trying to impress her and as if i am her friend. I wait her late night to chat and she says don’t do it. What the hell is happening man? I can’t figure it out. I sometime suspect she has a new boy friend. How can i find it if she has one. Please help me out to regain my respect in her eyes and make the relation back to normal. I am too stressed man. Thank you for your response. I will be waiting.

    • Well it has nothing to do with respect. She doesn’t owe you anything. So the fact that you think she owes you phone sex or conversations just tells me that your mindsets are wrong. It’s a long distance relationship. These rarely work out. If she meets a new guy, she’s going to stop talking to you. Simple as that.

  27. I really appreciate this information. Thanks a lot.

  28. Martin says:

    Hi Rick
    I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 3 months and she’s been acting distant at first everything was good , but then I notice when she lies about things , for instance she had told me they were at the mall but the mall is not around the store this guy works at she was shopping with her sister and they ran into a old co-worker he was working at this store , they went and got lunch cause he (happened to be on break ) and she knows I don’t like this guy ,

    • Lol well she is lying to you because she knows you don’t like that guy. So who’s fault is that really? You need to not have grudges against other dudes and just let things so. If she’s friends with him, and you don’t like him, that’s just going to create problems for your relationship because she’s not going to stop seeing him if she’s actually his friend… I suggest you get over it, make peace with the guy.

  29. So I have been in a committed relationship with this girl a little over 4 months. Everything was amazing and we connected so well and got in very few fights. All of a sudden it seemed like she was getting a little distant. Over the past 3-4 weeks she would not want to hang out as much, said she was really busy with work, and not really texting me much like she used to.

    I tried to give her a little space although not that long (I went away for a weekend with some friends) and she started texting me again while I was gone. However, when I got back and tried to see her she would brush me off again and say she was tired or she had to work late. Last weekend she said she was going to a co-workers party and would text me later that night. I never heard from her and she didn’t answer my text. I had a talk with her about all this a couple days ago and she said she doesn’t want to end things but she is just busy at work and explained we’re not in the honeymoon phase of the relationship anymore.

    What should I do from here? Should I go radio silent on her and let her do her own thing and figure it out? Or do you think this is most likely over?

    • Well, number 1 issue is you have a fixed mindset so you need to work on fixing that. I have several articles and courses on these mindsets. For example, you think either you got to give her space, or let her go. That’s just a polarized mindset, one or the other, 0 to 100. Fixed mindset. So the answer is to change your mindsets.

  30. Curtis says:

    Hey Rick

    I’ve been dating this girl for 3 months and it seems to have turned for the worse a week ago..distance abit, we still text quite abit daily but she has stopped using pet names only first name.

    Our situation has been difficult from the start she is living with her ex and there daughter while she completes school (they’re not doing anything) I left a bad relationship almost a year ago and living at parents.

    So it’s hard to “hang out” only had sex or acts 12-14 times. She’s has a high sex drive and worried I’ve pushed her into some else’s bed.

    Last weekend I got to hang out with her daughter for the first time it was a really good day GF had to stop herself kissing me in front of her. Same night She invited me to easter dinner and that went well too!

    The next day I white lied to her about something but called and apologized … now she’s being totally different instead of our normal date night she went to meet a “friend” and didn’t text me for the whole night.

    We went out this Friday and it was fun but not the same..holding hands, she never put her hand on my lap..stuff like that. I sort of confronted her later and she says she has a lot on her plate and is thinking stuff through. Which is really true but that shouldnt effect affection right?

    • Yeah she’s just not sure about you. Best to just let her go for now, she’s probably dating another man from the sounds of it and doesn’t want to hurt you with the truth… Best thing to do is probably back off a bit and see what happens.

      • Curtis says:

        I’ve been acting distant myself to match and trying to be fun on texts. But today I went off a little on talking through her problems and got weak response…I’m just gonna shut up and ignore her then? Or just respond light thank you again.

        • It’s not your responsibility to help her through her ‘problems’. I always set that boundary early that while I know we all have problems, they are our own responsibility since we’re adults. I tell women this stuff like early on, even before first dates lol so they know my boundaries, so they know I’m not a white knight.

          • Curtis says:

            Yea makes sense, I left my bdp girl for her..I’m so used to trying help someone. But when you mean back off, do you mean keep in contact and leave her alone. Or end it nicely?

          • Backing off can really mean several things. The problem most people have is that they have nothing important going on in their lives and so they become obsessed with their partners. So by backing off, you should find something important in your life and work hard at it. Focus on your self and not other people for a change.

          • Curtis says:

            Just an update for you. We did end up ending it with the idea of working on ourself for abit. We kept talking everyday though and a month later she was spending nights over and just hanging out alot.

            May was great but now it’s happening again but much worse and true break is coming “I’ll text you when I have time” … I know her so well and she has lots of time. I find it unfair or disrespectful to say that and stop speaking with me. Part of me wants to return the favor and just keep saying I’m busy when she does decide to text.

            I know why she’s going to say her excuse is for breaking up with me (I tend to show up everywhere unannounced) but when she did this before she had money problems and now even more so (even gave her money which could have been bad too)

            So now I think she’s stuck going back to a guy for money and of course more sex. She did say recently “Why did we have to meet at a bad time in my life” which makes no sense to me, she’s been busy with school the whole time of our relationship and it’s over in a week! But now it’s gonna be over and I’m angry this time around.

          • Yeah in this case, when you get a text like that you just gotta be like “Word, do your thing” and then just let her go. You can’t take her seriously, not when she’s in this state. She’s not ready for commitment. So to try to get commitment out of her is a waste of time. Knowing this fact, you really can’t see her more than a hook up until she matures and is interested in some sort of commitment.

          • Curtis says:

            Hey Rick back again. She came back to me in August and it was good for awhile (kept forgetting to post a thanks! here). But she’s checked out a lot worse than ever before right now, I’m not overly upset this time but I can’t decide to text her and say she’s been and is being disrespectful for a few weeks now or just keep cool. After reading some more of your work here I’ve decided she is a borderline without a doubt but can’t figure out if she’s just in a cold phase again or she lost respect/bored.

            A few weeks ago she let in on one of vices…she likes to gamble at the casino. One week we ended up going almost everyday. She lost a bunch a money but I kept winning. It got the point where the last night we did it I gave her 100 to play with and when she lost it she took out 200 and lost that too. That night I gave her another 200 to cover that, she warned me that I could say no but I did it because I see her a someone Id marry and I did say you need pay me back one day. So now I’m also wondering if that act/week was a big hit on her attraction. Thanks again

          • I’d avoid the texting. Don’t have serious conversations over text, ever. It’s just not the right way to communicate. You’re dealing with a woman who has multiple addictions and issues, so it’s really a situation that she is going to have to work on.

  31. Epllasttss says:

    Hi, so Ive been dating this girl for 3 months. In the first 2 months everytying was mutual the texting, the efford to seeing each other, the affection etc. But since the last month everything dropped. I mean I tried to talk to her wassup and ask her whats wrong but she just being saying that she was busy most of the times or she had already plans to hang out with her friends and that she barely had time for me. I said that i was actually starting to feel like a leftover and then i told her that I dont mind u see ur friends cause they ware there first then me but if you can not fit me in your schedule, next time when you want to meet me i would just blank you. Then she said sorry amd that she would change but nothing happend, like now she barely tries to kiss me and acting distant kmt. If i was like my old self i would cheat straight away cause its not a problem to me but i aint about that no more. Rick if you are reading this please give me your advice. i really like her but i have a feeling that we wont last long

    • Just sounds like you two need a break. You should initiate it, just say something like ‘Hey seems like you got a lot on your shoulders right now so let’s just take a break for a bit’ and then just go your separate ways.

    • Kevin says:

      Do not text or call. For like the whole day until she texts you. If she asking are you mad?Act normal play it off as a joke..you can say something like you’re silly. I’ve been busy getting stuff done. I love you.
      Your a man don’t be needy or don’t distance yourself to much and be an ass. it’s your job to figure out the balance of when she runs to you tell her everything’s okay and when she runs away let her free. Remember a girl wants to know you’re there for her about the same time doesn’t need to be reminded a hundred times a day. When you’re not talking she’s definitely wondering what you’re thinking of and where she stands when she runs to you will know. Good luck man.

      • Yeah and more deeply, focus on your own well-being. If you find your thoughts are obsessed on her, then no amount of texting games and giving space will make things better since she’ll be able to smell this desperation and confusion on you when she sees you. So really the task at hand is working on your own independent nature and self-esteem.

        • Epllasttss says:

          Thank you very much, ill just do me then cause tbh i aint gonna force nothing if it happens it happens.

          • You can’t force anything in life, so you definitely cannot force a woman to want you.

      • Epllasttss says:

        Thanks Kevin for the advice ill do that and if she doesn’t care ill just drop it there are more out there that don’t act like that anyways

  32. Chris says:

    Rick,

    I’ve been in relationship with my girlfriend for almost year and a half now. But I let my insecurities get the best of me many times and they have really taken a toll on the relationship. I have a history of being cheated on and dealing with the loss of several people. Over the years I have become very protective of what goes on around me and I think that exact attitude and insecurity is what caused things to spiral.
    Her and I met as friends in class and everything was great. She was a very social and happy person. Plus she is extremely beautiful. We bonded very quickly and easily and eventually started going out. From the start, her friends and I never clicked, not once. I saw them as very childish people and didnt feel they were necessary for me to talk to. But that didnt stop my gf from going out with me. The first few months went very well and we probably only “fought” twice within the first four months. We were always extremely happy to be around each other. However, some where soon after the first few months I began to let my feelings take the best of me. Again, she was a very social and attractive person and could strike a conversation with anyone. At first it started at small things such as “I really don’t like that guy, etc” and she would respect it and not see him or text them anymore. Eventually that turned into “you have no reason to be talking or flirting with strangers”. During this time period I would accuse her of flirting with other men because every time someone would come up to hit on her or flirt, she’d engage them in a full conversation. I became jealous and would feel as if she was going to leave me for them.
    I told her that it would really upset me when she be so happy around other dudes trying to talk to her, and so she again respected my emotions and stopped ” flirting ” and became less social when men came up to her. That didn’t stop me from feeling insecure though.
    I felt that she would still “flirt” behind my back and so I started spending a lot of time with her. She wasn’t against spending time with me. But over the next several months, it began to get a little boring. In the back of my head I always felt like she was still going to do something wrong and I felt the need to always be there and correct her. Over time I stopped her from seeing and texting other people besides her close friends and family. Eventually she stopped texting and seeing her male friends because I would always get upset when she would talk too much about them.
    Around 9 months I felt like I had her on a leash and it felt terrible for me to realize. She had been faithful and loyal since day one, but my paranoia didn’t go away. I would always text her in hopes she’d text me back quickly so inside I’d feel comfortable that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. She never did anything wrong. But I still would ask where she was, or who she was with or what she was doing. When we would have class together, it would bother me when she’d laugh at something another guy said because I’d feel I wasn’t funny, even though I do make her laugh.
    Over the course after the first few months, along with what I mentioned we’d started fighting a lot for the those reasons and I would say a few nasty things but so would she. I’d be very blunt to her and sometimes yell, forgetting that she is a sensitive person.We didn’t agree on many things but somehow at the end of the day we still were able to say I love you and mean it.
    Things started taking a big toll when we started fighting on dates. We began to lose connection and went on dates less often. Over the past year we’ve sat down and spoken about our problems and I admitted that have messed up. I stopped doing many things because I want “us” to end for something stupid. I stopped calling her names, my extremely rude comments, my insults to what her interests were and my temper as well. The only thing I couldn’t fix just like that were my trust issues. She hated that I couldn’t trust her 100 percent but I told her that I was really working on it, and I was. To be honest, she is the most faithful and loyal and sincere girl I’ve ever met and I don’t believe that she’d do anything. But the fact that she has an incredible ability to spark conversation, and that her personality can be mistaken for flirting, in the back of my head I’m always paranoid that another more attractive man would come and sweep her away especially now considering the way things are.
    Recently, we’ve been disagreeing a lot and we still fight on some dates, even though we’ve gone on very few. She doesn’t talk or text many people, but I’m not telling her not to anymore. I’ve given her freedom that I should’ve never taken away but I feel it’s too late. For the past few months she’s gotten distant and become dull or uninterested in my stories or my life. She’s constantly been over working herself and has kept herself busy on purpose. She doesnt feel the need to see me anymore either.
    Yesterday she spoke to me and told that she thinks she is losing interest in me and she is going through a very rough time with emotions. She said we always argue and doesn’t want a relationship that is 90% arguing. She’s felt tied down and now is paranoid to talk to any guy that isn’t me because she feels I could be spying on her. I tried telling her that’s not what it’s like at all, and I have really built my trust for her and I’ve really tried hard to work on other things. She sees that I’ve corrected myself in several ways, but it is not enough. She told me she still loves me, but doesn’t feel as strong as she used to. She admitted that she gets annoyed sometimes when she has to see me because she automatically thinks there is going to be a fight. She thinks very negatively and I can’t help her way of thinking. She asked if we can give this second Chance and we said yes. This is also the first time she has opened up me on this level of sensitivity, and has kept everything bottled up. There have been many times in the last year that I would sit and talk with her but she never wanted to reflect on the relationship or address conflict. I feel like I am still slowly losing her, but I am willing to do anything and everything to save losing an amazing woman like her. I don’t know what to do, or if I can make her feel at least more closer than what she did before. Please help me.

  33. Hi, my gf of 4 years left me 2 weeks ago out of nowhere. For the first 3 years i got us an apartment and took care of because i was the only one who had a job. Well she got a job and she decided that she wants us to get a house. Now we had fights once in a while but we always got through it. But one week in the house and she up and leaves me saying that she thought it would help our relationship but i guess not. Now when it first happend. I told her i was sorry and would do anything to get her back but all she said was she didnt know. So i continued to try and get ahold of her to talk and what not and she kept telling me to leave her alone and that she wants nothing to do with me and wont talk to me about whats really going on and wont give us a chance. Then a couple days ago she tells me to give her 2 weeks of no contact so i asked if she would think about giving us another chance and she said no. Then i asked y she needed it and all she had to say was idk. Well i told her id do it if she promised to at least think about it and she replied with an ok.and im having trouble understanding why she needs that time and having trouble giving it to her because i really love her and want to try and work things out and its killing me not to talk to her plz help

    • Well she wants time to herself right now. Let her have it, don’t pressure her or anything.

  34. so try to answer this i have been with my gf almost 9 months. everything gas always been great. recently i got into some trouble and our time is limited she used to pretty much live with me. we are both underage. she can only see me on every other day and all weekend. used to be everyday all day. she tried to break up with me saturday and i talked to her and she changed her mind but she keeps distancing and saying that she hates it at her house and the stress is hurting her and thats why she was gunna leave. just today she tried to say that tomorrow she wanted to bot talk or see each other or anything and i think she was testing me because she said that it hurts her and she feels that im perfectly okay with not seeing her everyday and i explained that i put on a strong face but it kills me too and shes okay now. so whats going on is she just testing me or messing with my head or was she scared i didnt care as much as her??

    • Sounds to me like she just has bigger things going on in her home life right now. So things can happen that are just bigger than you and you can’t control that. But I also teach people to not hang out every day as this eventually can’t be kept up. You’re reading too much into her reaction. Don’t. Focus on you.

  35. Hey Rick!
    I enjoy reading your blogs, they are very well written and encouraging.
    I was together with a girl for the past 2 months and her hot/cold push-pull mentality completely turned my emotional core upside down.
    When we met I was pretty high on life and focused on myself so my happiness and self-confidence sky-rocketed. During our meetup I instantly felt that there’s a connection and that she was into me. But our relationship was too “fast-paced” and I think it smothered her.
    After a few weeks she became worried and distant, her insecurities surfaced that she’s “not good enough” and eventually this culminated into breaking up with me, because she sensed I was falling for her but she couldn’t reciprocate the feelings. I believe she wasn’t ready yet, as anex-bf of 2 years whom she left 6 months ago was actively trying to get her back. Note that I am not a jealous type and I have nothing to worry about when a guy is literally begging to get back together in text from another country, but I suppose she couldn’t disconnect from her ex fully due to this, despite her walking out and moving back to my country.
    The breakup shocked me, but she called a few days later asking for forgiveness and we got back together. Realizing the need to set my boundaries I made it clear that I want her to overcome her insecurities of percieved low self-worth and that I can not tolerate an emotional roller-coaster of hot/cold behaviour in the future. I loved her with all my heart but I also loved myself enough not let myself suffer.
    After a few days the problems started to arise again, she switched into distant mode overnight and became emotionally selfish and rude towards me for apparently no reason. I pulled myself back and gave her space for a week or two and tried my best not show my affection and my suffering which she had casued to me.
    She said I’m perfect for her, but she doesn’t feel “the spark” all the time. She’s got a troubled past (rape, dysfunctional family, hypersexuality in early 20s) and carries an awful lot of baggage. I really felt that we are compatible in the long run and it was so long ago when I felt this genuinely towards someone.
    Eventually I was the one who had to break up with her, because I couldn’t take her pushing me away anymore. My heart says yes, but common sense says no. I respect myself not to stay and suffer, but I can’t let her go in my mind… The past few weeks have been terrible and I feel I lost myself and my self-confidence. My ego is the only thing keeping me in check to refrain from contacting her. I really made sure telling her that I can’t keep up with her push/pull behaviour so now I think she won’t contact even if she misses me due to fear of rejection. I still long for her deep inside even though I know she’s too troubled inside to be able to sustain a realitonship currently.
    I don’t know if I made the right choice?

    • Well the good news about a relationship like this is it shows how you have a lot of Codependent issues you need to take care of. You might think you were high in self-confidence and self-worth, but the opposite is actually true because you wouldn’t have fallen so hard for her if that was the truth! So you just need to really figure out why deep down you find yourself so attached to this woman. It isn’t healthy by any means at all. So that’s just what you really need to think about. It was only a 2 month relationship, that’s literally nothing. Codependency affects most people and it’s why I’m focused on finishing my course on it because it causes all that confusion and heartache and such that you feel.

  36. This exact thing has been happening in my relationship. I have been with my girlfriend around 5 months and she has been cold and distant lately. I don’t have much experience with relationships and I made some mistakes such as being in the “honeymoon phase” in the beginning and maybe moving too fast. She became distant about a month ago and we haven’t been hanging out very much or texting. During this time I have tried to follow your advice and work on myself and my mindsets. However not much seems to be changing with the relationship and my girlfriend has still been very distant. At what point do you think she will come back? If she is completely over it and turned off then why hasn’t she broken up with me yet?

    • Well, she doesn’t have to break up with you. It’s much easier for her to just meet a new guy and then go out with him. You can’t ever expect someone to “officially” end the relationship. That usually just doesn’t happen, and it’s okay. If she’s avoiding you and not talking to you, just let her be and do your own thing.

  37. Flying Fader says:

    I have an amazing woman.We have been together a little over 3 months. She is amazingly intelligent and smart. Extremely Accomplished. She runs her home and kids very well. The home is organized and tighty. Her two children are kind and we’ll mannered. She is incredibly beautiful and sexy.
    I get to her home from work. There is a warm meal on the table. She cooks me meals to take to work designed to make me loose weight and the meals taste great. She likes to watch TV mainly sitcoms. We love quizzing ourselves in music.
    We have a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. It feels as if we are competing with eachother to see who can govern who. I’m an Alpha Male 36 and she is an Alpha Female 36 use to being in charge havong her way and doesnt back down.
    My issues with all of this is that at the end she isn’t very affectionate, she cuddles once in a while and sex is once or twice a month. We have chemistry,compatabilities in tastes, arts, class , religion and perspectives on life in gneral but we are always butting heads?
    I am at the end of my rope?
    I really don’t know what the hell to do anymore.

    • Well the question becomes: why are you butting heads? True alpha males don’t butt heads with others. So think about that and let me know. To me, it just sounds like you want to have sex more often. And she isn’t game for that. True alpha females are pretty damn sexual (because they know what they want). So she could be with another man. Probably a less “alpha” man that doesn’t butt heads with her all the time. Something to think about.

  38. thanks for the advice, it’s helping me out a lot in my bpd relationship.
    I do have one curiosity though, you seem to have success in relationships and an understanding of them, then why have you had so many? are you married yet?

    Please don’t misunderstand my question, I’m just wondering.

    • I’ve dated a lot of women but been in 4 relationships that lasted over a year. What I’ve learned through my coaching and personal experiences and watching friends is that in BPD relationship, the behavior generally stays the same. Whether you’re 20 or 60, I hear the same exact stories for all age groups. The things you experience in your first month of dating will be the same in your 12th year at times.

      So what I really teach is a lifestyle. It’s a way of living. Because when you live this way, think this way, breathe this way, behave this way, it just generally skyrockets your success rate. Is it guaranteed to save your relationship? No, of course not. There’s always a chance of other factors like drug use and infidelity that you may not even be aware of that can come out of nowhere making the relationship a done deal. But generally, I teach people how to be responsible, to have clarity, to have strength and set boundaries – all which make you pretty damn attractive.

  39. Lost at 50 says:

    I read your article, and it’s one of the best descriptions to what happened to my couple weeks ago.
    Being tired of all this mind game BS, I got into a relation with a 51 years old woman, really a great person, but I got my a** kicked just like a teenager. She had a lot of problems before, which lowered her self steem big time, so I pretty much made her life my priority, big mistake. As she grew her confidence back, I felt that I was “too” available, etc, loosing self respect for myself. So, needless to say that I got dumped big time, no mercy, no consideration, nothing.
    As much as I agree with the article, I’m tired of trying all kinds of strategies to keep a woman. Sorry to say, but now I’d rather stay alone than put up with such immaturity and selfishness.
    I still can’t believe that after all I’ve done for her when she was so in love I still got dumped like that.
    I would expect a 51 woman to be mature, but their minds are just like teenager, and believe me, if you start giving them priority, they will kick your ass out of their lives.

    • Yeah haha some articles are for keeping women, others are for moving on. I’ve got a big library here! I just find it so interesting that no matter the age, the stories are always the same. The way people are generally stays the same over the years. It’s only when you actively work at changing your own self that you can actually grow and move forward. So just keep your head up and you’ll do fine.

  40. I wish I had read this 2 months ago. This is what happened to me in my relationship. I was in a relationship with a girl for a couple of months when she started to grow a little cold and distant. I don’t have much experience with relationships (this being my 2nd real relationship and I am in my mid 20’s) and instead of reading between the lines and giving her a little space I kind of freaked out. I confronted her about it and I pushed to find an answer to what was going on. By doing this I was just pushing her further away and I lost a little emotional control and even cried in front of her once. She dumped me 3 weeks ago and said she needed a break to figure things out and that maybe we moved too fast. My question is how do you know if you’ve turned them off enough that they can never re-gain attraction to you? I never snooped or did anything like that but I definitely came off needy and insecure over the last few weeks of our relationship. I am working on myself and know that this really isn’t the person that I am (needy,insecure, seeking validation, etc.) If I see my ex again and show off the person that I am becoming and the person she got with in the beginning is it possible for her to re-gain attraction or will she always associate me with being needy and insecure?

    • The problem is that you’re analytic and logical. You’re looking for answers from your partner when all of that doesn’t matter because it’s out of your control. So the first step is realizing that what you’re seeking is out of your control. It’s irrational thinking. Knowing this, you can focus on things that are actually under your control: which is yourself.

  41. Cheng says:

    Hey I have a relationship that is still going but now she’s been really busy and she haven’t got the time to spend any time with me. I usually wait for her to text me during the afternoon and etc. but she really doesn’t text me as often anymore, she’s just on her laptop doing her stuff, spending more time with her friends more than me. I do told her what’s wrong but she just said she’s been busy lately and I guess I do rage at her once because I was sick of tired of waiting for her just to text me when we don’t spend time together and I’ve been really emotional and insecure during this relationship for some time and I know it’s those two are wrong but I just can’t control it because she’s just became really distance. So I just want to know why she’s being so distance so lately, I let her have her time and when I want her to spend time with me, she spend time doing her stuff in her laptop more.

    • You answered your own question: she’s distant because you’re insecure and emotional about it. So it’s just a slow death that you’re on. As long as you’re insecure and emotional about her distance, she’s going to remain distant.

  42. Pedro Cruz says:

    Hey Rick, I need some advice. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months we have been friends for 4 years and lost touch then reconnected and started dating. During the time we lost touch she got mixed in with the wrong people and became a drug addict and was in abusive relationships. She went to rehab and has been clean for a year with one relapse shortly after getting out of rehab. I was reluctant at first when presented the chance to date her but I figured I’d give it a shot. Now I have fallen in love with her, but now she’s being distant. We just got home from a vacation with her family, we were gone a week. During the vacation I noticed she started to seem distant. The second or third night there we were alone at the beach house one night and she wanted to have sex and I refused for religious purposes. We’ve had sex before several times but when we started dating we agreed to one another that we should try to save ourselves for marriage and we failed. Now I’m trying to keep strong again and not fail into temptation. I could tell she got upset about me refusing but she definitely knows why I did. The next day I felt bad and apologized for making her feel bad and told her that I would have sex with her the next time she wanted to. Then she seeemed happy again. about the fourth day in the vacation I confronted her alone about her distance. She said she realized that she was being distant and couldn’t really seem to tell me why she was. She was all up for marriage starting out and I brought it up that day and she said that she didn’t know if she’d ever get married again. I told her if that’s the case then she needs to let Make up her mind about it because if she didn’t want to get married then there was no reason to further our relationship. After that she said she still loves me and didn’t want to lose me. Well for the rest of the week her distance was off and on. Her and her parents argued several times about two particular friends she was hanging out with who are ex drug addicts as well but they don’t seem to be as strongly recovered as she is. She knows I don’t trust those friends either because they might put her in a place where drugs are and she doesn’t need to be around it. So Saturday when we got home she took me home and she stayed for about 20 minutes and left going to one of her friend’s house that her parents fussed about. Everything seemed to be ok between us. Then she texted me and said I’m going to stay with my friend tonight (which is a girl) Because her friends step daughters were going to come to church with us the next morning. I said ok. Then she told me that she was going to tell her mom that she was staying with me. I told her no and told her to tell her mom the truth. Her mom knew she lied and her and her parents got into an argument and then they kicked her out of the house. When she came back from rehab they told her she could stay with them as long as she needed to but that she’d have to live under their rules. One of the rules was if they felt she hanging around someone who they felt could potentially lead her down the wrong path that they would tell her and she would have to cut ties with them and she agreed to it, but she broke the agreement and they kicked her out. After that she wouldn’t talk to me. I called her a bunch of times that night because I was worried about her and I texted her and told her that I still love and cared for her, that I was there for her regardless of what happened, that I was disappointed that she would treat me that way, and that she could talk to me. I went 24 hours without hearing a thing from her and she didn’t make contact with her parents either. She said I love you too and I’ll call you in a little at 9:30 Monday morning. At 11:30 that morning she still hadn’t called and she sent a text And said she was headed to work. I told her to be careful and that I was looking forward to her calling me and I understood that she may have been busy. She texted me again and said I call you later. I said nothing back. She didn’t call until after 11 o’clock that night And I was at work. I didn’t answer. So I called back about an hour later and no answer. So I waited about half an hour and called again with no answer. That was Monday night. I haven’t called or text her since then it is now Wednesday morning and I still haven’t heard anything from her and I haven’t seen her since Saturday. Her mom told me that while on vacation my girlfriend had told her I was too sweet and her sister told me that she had told her I was smothering her which I don’t feel is true. She is at my house more than I am at hers. I don’t know what to do now and I don’t want to lose her. Do you have any ideas on what I can do to keep our relationship from breaking apart.

  43. I myself am a person who never believed they would find love, couldn’t even understand how it was possible. Then it happened. Don’t have a clue how. There was this girl, always thought she was a stunner, but never went on the chase for her. I asked her if she wanted to spend the night with me one day after spending a good week meeting her after work. We laid there till the morning neither of us could sleep, I think the feelings were keeping us wide awake. That was the night we shared our first kiss. From then we’d spent a whole year together inseparable literally 24/7. I’d always felt I was the more emotional and insecure partner, yet she exclaims to me that she has had a partner before me for 2 years who treated her like complete shit and that she has trust issues. I’m the type of guy who just feels different around other girls now because I feel like I can’t let my baby down. It’s a personal choice. Admittedly I may come across needy sometimes but it’s because she don’t talk, she’ll let the feelings stew and allow them to fade away and act like everything cool again later on. But we all know that never ends well. I get hurt trying to resolve things and she never says what I want to hear. I don’t know what to do. Love comes across to me now as the best thing in the world but does it always have to come along with the unwanted baggage. Heartache over nothing. I’ve got uni coming up soon and we’re going to have to spend three years away from each other, not constantly but we will have rarely any time for eachother. I really want things to work between us. People always say what an amazing couple we appear to be, I got her a promise ring with our birthstones and names engraved. She knows I’m serious and I feel like I know she is but at the end of the day I don’t understand how to cope with what we’ve got to go through.

    • Well sounds like you’re young if you’re going off to uni. I wouldn’t worry about it. Relationships don’t really get serious until later in your 20’s anyways. You’ll find someone new no problem. Don’t worry man. Just stick to this journey of growth and you’ll have tons of women coming for you.

      • I understand I’m young but I’m definitely grown and my relationship is serious. I don’t want tons of women… I want my one. You make it sound like I’m gonna walz into uni and boom she’s off my mind. I know FULL well it won’t work like that. She’s going to work for the three years while I’m at uni and when I get back for good I’m hoping were still a strong couple and we’ll be moving in together. I’m a libra and she’s a gemini. < I don't believe that star signs play a huge role. But my girlfriend believes soo. I can't just "not worry" but I can subside the feelings till something happens otherwise there's no point in relationships if you're always worried. My mother had me at 14 and guess what she's only ever had intercourse with one bloke and surprisingly that's my dad and they're still together today. So you cannot say relationships are serious in late twenties. Anything can happen.

        • Sure but you’re sitting here talking about a serious relationship over long-distance. Well, long-distance relationships don’t work. But I don’t expect you to believe this until you get older :)

          • Anonymous says:

            They can. My mom and step dad made it work, and have been together for 10 years. The trick is to not keep it long distance for more than a few months. Part of getting older is also realizing that not all relationships are the same. Some of the most usual ones occur, and manage to be sustained.

          • Yes, your mom and dad made it work back in the day. It wasn’t hard back then when the world was huge. But the world is completely different now. Trying to make a long distance relationship work in 2015 is really just a poor decision in my opinion (unless you’re already married and have no choice obviously).

  44. Billie Hammond says:

    Hey Rick, I’ve been with my girlfriend for six months now. For 4-5 of those months, things were as great as the start of relationships are. Last month, she got fed up with me getting upset when she would talk about college (where she’ll be leaving to in 2 months. It’s close so that isn’t too big of an issue).

    We were able to get passed that. I’ve been very supportive and happy for her when she does cool things without me (I wasn’t before), and I’ve even gotten my life back on track in terms of what I want to do for a living. Things were good again until the past week or two.

    These past few weeks she’s been distant, not really caring to reply to my texts, and has been in bad moods a lot. When I ask her what’s wrong, her response is always “I don’t know,” and gets upset when I press futher.

    I’m gonna see her tomorrow morning, and I’m glad I read this. I’ll try to give her some space, and say that I’m here when she needs me. I’ll leave it at that and try to not to press anymore. And I’ll also stop texting her so often and try not to take her distance offensively.

    But other than that, what’s your advice, Rick? What should I do? Say? Leave it alone? Or press more?

    On a side note, she does keep telling me that she’s in a funk because she works a lot, horeback rides, and has a ton of homework. I feel like that’s important to share.

    • Well she’s leaving for college so she’s distancing herself. She just doesn’t want to commit when she knows she’s going to be off at college meeting new men, and the possibility of dating someone new is very likely for her.

  45. we break up 2 months ago and my girlfriend keep pushing me away because she like other guy and want to move with him. but she is not moving with him as well because she want me to move on first and keep pushing me . what should i exactly do ? she know i want to change and want to save the relationship but still keep pushing me so that she can move with other guy .. she stayed with me for 2 years she was cheating me from last 1 year .. one more think she often change her mind that she would like to move with me but suddenly she change her mind not to stay with me ,,

    • Well she cheated on you… and is chasing another guy… it’s really an easy answer. Plenty of fish in the sea mate.

      • Preet says:

        Thanks finally we broke up last night she come to me return my stuff , pick other guy and took him to her house . but i did’t understand why still she wants to help me . she text me hows me i did’t reply suddenly i remember that my phone bill is over due i wasn’t have any option so i call her to pay that and she said okie she will pay for me .. now whats that .. i think she will keep in touch with me in future as well . but suggest me what should i do ? and why she still wants to help me financially ?

  46. Josh Shelley says:

    Hey I’m an 18 guy who goes to college and I am in a relationship with this girl who is 16 and just recently finished school and she is going to be going to my college but we have been together since the 24th July 2015 and everything has been fine as we were talking everyday and she would message me all the time such as good morning texts or good night ones and talking to me everyday and always tells me how much she loves me, how I am the best ever and how she wants to be with me forever and how no one has ever loved her as she has had a very rough past and was raped by some guy a while back before we met so she was obviously surprised at how nice I was as no one really been nice to her for her entire life but she has mental health issues from the past and she harms herself which I try to tell her to stop but I said I will always be there for her if she needs me but anyways she usually basically tells me all these nice things about me and how she feels about me and stuff and it was all going great even though we live like half an hour away from each other. I mean she comes down when she can and obviously I go up there when I can and just recently met her parents at her house but lately things have gotten a bit to strange as she never calls, talks to me and stuff like that so I messaged her and just acted like normal saying hi and stuff but she would blank nearly every message I send and I know she reads them as it says but anyway I asked her if she ok and she said no so me obviously concerned asked her whats wrong only to be ignored again so I left it a day then I called her and spoke to her but she was so hesitant to speak to me as if she didn’t want to hear from me so I asked what’s up and she said she been feeling down and depressed but lets not forget she has mental health issues as do I but not as bad and slightly different but still she told me she has alot of bad stuff on her mind and said some of it is about me so yeah can kind of imagine I was more concerned then and I asked what about me but she said she isn’t telling me anything which is kinda understandable but however she tells me everything as she said I’m the only one she can trust and how much she loves and adores me well that was until she stopped saying it so after she told me I am not aloud to know anything I left it at that by saying to call or message me if she needs me. So it’s been few days and I have kept my word and let it be and decided to give her space too but I feel like something more is up as this isn’t who she is well not from I know anyways but it feels like all those nice things she said have been made up in a way as she completely changed it seems unless I have been played the whole time but never the less I wanted to ask you on your opinion what do you think about all this and what should I do as I feel like this isn’t going to end well. I love her to pieces and well I say lovely things back to her and we like alot of the same stuff anyways let me know what to do please I need advice.

  47. Cameron says:

    Hey Rick just read your article and I can relate to a lot of things you talked about and I notice I do kind of push my girlfriend a bit, but I just can’t stop myself with everything that’s going on right now. First here is some background knowledge I am 18 and my girlfriend is 17, I met her and started dating her about 5 months ago, and everything has been going great, I mean she and I get along perfectly, have never yelled at each other, but we have argued but have always just set it aside cause we care about one another extensively practically are inseparable, and are always texting each other and pretty much spend every minute of every day with each other. But these past few days she’s been being really bizarre lately kind of distancing herself from me, I realize this could be her needing her space so I let her know I’m here for her if she needs anything, But on another note it has me quite worried, you see I recently enlisted in the army as active duty, and I’m going to be leaving for nearly 16 weeks before I get to see her again, and the biggest fear and concern I have is when I get back that she is going to be moved on with someone else, I mean yes I can send letters but I feel like I’m just going to be stressing myself out more then I need to. I’ve talked to a lot of people about it even some of my recruiters. Nearly everyone I talked to said I should probably just break up with her, I just cant really bring myself to do it because I care so much about her. I guess really my question is what are the chances she will still care for me after I get done with my training? Thanks for your time reading my comment and I hope to hear back from you soon.

    • You guys are young so the best advice I can give is to just enjoy this process, even if it’s painful at times. The earlier you experience relationships and all that, the better off you’ll be as you move forward in life. Understand that there are a LOT of people who don’t even get a relationship until their late 20’s. So you definitely have an edge on most people :)

  48. Ive been dating this girl for over two years we been on and off for no reason she just flips out and starts acting distant and cold her main reason is she feels shes a bad mother for her kids when she gives them everything… Shes 37 with an 18 year gilr a 13 year boy and 7 year boy.. Im 27 but i give this woman everything im there for her all the time i try to make her happy and she even says i make her happy… Buy her gifts treat her like a princess but she can be so sweet and makes me feel loved but from one day to another from an i love u babe u make me happy in matter of hours she just acts cold… Most of the time i say whats wrong and she says im having problem with one of the kids and it’s frustrating and she will stop txting me and if i see her at work cuz we work together she just gives me a cold look… It sucks because she acts like that only with me and no one else… It makes me sick and start doubting and get insecure of her… I know I shouldn’t feel this way cuz i know im not doing anything wrong but man this hurts… Ive been researching and seeing things like narcissist and borderline attitude things like that… Dont want to loose her either because ive been so patient when she acts that way… Feel like when she has problems whether its kids or work or family she takes it out on me and acts distant… What do u recomend bro

    • It sounds like you’re stuck in this habit of trying to win her approval. This way of living just never works, it only turns your woman off more and more over time. You could literally spend every waking moment trying to make your woman happy, but this actually drives her further and further away. Why? Because it’s the woman’s job to make the man happy – not the other way around. This is just primal relationship truth. Your relationship is currently the opposite. For example: what’s your sex life like currently?

  49. Jeremy says:

    I have never commented on these types of sites but read them a lot. You know why this article is STILL invalid despite all you’ve said about blaming men for being needy etc? because with some women, even when you call them out on their shit, they don’t apologize ever; AND as you walk out, they wont contact either. Tell me how needy i am when ive walked out multiple times. Some women are just cold fucked up bitches. Ever think that you’re just WASTING your time? because you can NEVER be strong enough to fight and throw yourself up against her brick wall until it beats you down and you leave. She then contacts like “hey where did you go” but way more subtle like “hey” and thats it (to see if you bite) Its just a sick ego feeding game they NEED. Or “we’ll talk later” always on HER terms. Love is conditional. Even when im plowing other women and she knows it and gets jealous she stays… when i treat her super critical she stays and tries hard to please…. when i call her out on her shit and walk out though? She shuts down. She sends MINIMAL contact and doesn’t address ANYTHING i say about her in an attempt to break me down and make me pay for calling her out on her shit behaviors. Sometimes you’re just completely wasting your fucking time. Beware because this woman seems the 100% dream- great demeanor – huge nice tits- pretty face- super feminine ACT (shes very masculine in time) She came from a small town (undercover whore alert) She loves a strong man but no man can be as strong as her or she despises you. Fuck her and run and play the games and endure the endless pain or just cut it off completely. There are no other choices here. Eventually you grow the fuck up and realize what incapable trash she is and just cut it off and let her wither onto another mans cock. Dont let it destroy you, because it will. To me its always a competition of “whos more damaged” “who has the upperhand” Dont give her the upperhand ever and dont do SHIT for her. Its how you make a woman FEEL not what you do for her. Go to her house, have fun for yourself, make fun of her and fuck the shit out of her, then tell her shes boring and you gotta go. Unfortunately this is 2015 shit- simple. They dont respect you otherwise; when you hang around like a puppy and try to make a connection. They’re too busy sizing up your flaws. She will take all you do for her endlessly but still wont respect you. This is women 101 shit. Forgive my shit grammar- not fixing it all.

    • Lol she just knows she owns you. She knows you’ll come crawling back when you walk out. She knows that despite you trying to stand strong and remain firm, she has complete control over your emotional well-being (hence your emotionally charged comment here). I think the big difference between me and you is that I find her behavior funny. It’s hilarious. If you want to make things work with this girl, she must first believe that you value your own well-being over her (which she thinks you do not). Until then, she’s got your balls in her hand. I’ve been there. It sucks.

  50. killermike says:

    I sought out this topic. My girlfriend and mother of my 2 kids is very emotionally distant. She’s actually distant on a schedule. She get’s a stick up her ass about some bullshit reason then spends 4-6 weeks being distant, then we will have a big argument and reconcile, then she acts decent…..decent, not great, not good, just decent for 6-8 weeks then she creates a conflict or an argument and we start all over again. This time, out of the blue she stopped talking to me. We didn’t have any conflict whatsoever, she just stopped talking. She then avoided being around me around the house all weekend. Monday morning, she confronted me and asked “why I wasn’t talking to her”…Wtf? So I told her she wasn’t talking to me, I was in the family room and she never walked into the room. That’s not my fault. She’s hiding out in the bedroom reading fucking romance novels all weekend and she acts like I have the problem. Nah. We go through the same shit every 3-4 months. Same shit. She’s tried to get violent with me, to the point where I’ve called the police on her 3-4 times. She accuses me of cheating and shit as a deflection. I’m just sick of her shit. I am looking at dating other women now because I’m in my 40’s and this shit is getting old. What do you think about this?

    • I think that you blaming her for all this is really immature and childish. Take some responsibility. Own your own life. If you want her out of your life, tell her to get lost. If you want her in your life, tell her to shape up and start communicating or she has to leave for good. Like you said, it’s getting old. So be a man and make your presence known.

  51. Andrew says:

    I wish i could’ve seen this earlier, explains alot. I’m an over thinker and always seek truth. Downfall? Maybe…I’ve been in a relationship for 3 yrs now and it’s feeling like it’s falling apart. Possibly caused by my neediness somewhere somehow I lost my way. Explains why most relationships in the beginning are awesome. There’s confidence, communication, and self security. Most importantly self respect. My eyes are open. I’m going to give her space, I’m a one in a million type of guy, she has 2 kids that aren’t mine that I treat as my own and help with. She needs to see some self respect in not only myself but in herself aswell. I have a plan for myself to regain my own self respect and she has hers. Not only that but she’s given me the impression she’s scared to fall head over heels (due to prior relationships where she was hurt badly and doesn’t want to go through that again, which is understandable) Unfortunately this isn’t going to be easy, we are moving away from eachother (been living together for almost the entire relationship) I think if I can back off and regain my true self and get the things I want in life regain my self respect. she will see that I am the one for her.and come running back

  52. john oliveri says:

    How much space should i give a woman my gf just broke up with me i have to work on myself which thanks to your great advice this painful yearning is starting to subside i am not sure if she bpd shows all signs but i am going to pray and work on myself thanks rick

    • It’s not about “giving her space” because you’re just doing this in hopes of getting her back. Remember how codependents and “nice guys” always give to get? Yeah, it’s a very bad habit and dishonest. So instead, just do her a favor and stay away from her for a bit so she can do her own thing while you do yours. If she wants you back, she’ll let you know.

  53. Deter w says:

    Hi Rick,

    Let me start with some essential background info. I’m a senior in high school and so is the girl. We go to he same church, that’s how we met. Me and this girl have known eachother for almost 4 months. We go on “hang out sessions” (1 on 1) basically dates, but she isn’t sure about a relationship. She considers us a “thing” but not bf/gf.
    So knowing all that hear me out, This past Thursday (minimum day for both of us) I went to her house without either of our parents knowing to hang out. We ended up having our first kiss. Which was followed by a makeout session. He next day, Friday, I went over again and we hung out and had another makeout session, keep in mind we aren’t “official” yet. My mom was pissed at me for skipping an after school class, and found out I was hanging out with the girl. She decides to call her parents, but didn’t have their number till a day later, Saturday (Still don’t know how she got her number…) and as a result her parents got really mad at her and she got in trouble. (Neither parents knew what we did, we told them we ate at a restaurant and walked to a park) So she basically got in trouble for just not telling them that we were hanging out. The following Sunday, at church, she was super cold to me; barely looked at me, or wanted to talk to me. I talked to her about it via text later that night, and she said it was cause she was thinking about things (I believe our relationship). The next day she basically tells me that she has to think about whether or not she should even like someone in high school or not, basically considering a friend zone. She told me she would think about it for a week and get back to me. I was pretty devastated and confused, because I really like his girl and less than a week ago everything was completely normal. But now her texts are short and cold (2-3 word replies that come hours after I send a text) and she seems to be distancing herself. Before anyone assumes she didn’t like kissing me or anything like that, we talked about it on Thursday and Friday and we both acknowledged that we did enjoy it. So I don’t really understand where this cold attitude is coming from. One day we are making out, the next she’s considering friend zoning me. I can’t help but feel led on or something else. I don’t know what to do, what do you think I should do?

    • Well you’re young but it’s awesome to be getting early experience like this. Welcome to women bro! They’re confusing, they make no sense and so on. When a girl is being distant like this, ALWAYS just let her go and do her thing. Don’t text, don’t chase, don’t pursue. Just let her do her thing. She’ll get back to you if she wants. Being mysterious and not showing your cards is the key to keeping women attracted to you for the long-haul. But you also must see the bigger picture. Perhaps her parents are crazy christian burn in hell types and the girl actually fears she did something wrong. So like I said, she needs time to herself. Hopefully she’ll reach out to you and you can be like ‘Look, what we did was good. Not bad. God is a fan of awesomeness and we’re pretty awesome.’

  54. Hey Rick-

    Solid article and good advice. I have been reading you and Corey Wayne. I have learned a ton. I have been in a relationship with a lady who is a co-worker since December. We had instant electric chemistry and every single time we are together we have incredible mind blowing sex. But…I now see how many things I have done wrong. Over pursuing, neediness, seeking validation, on and on. Obviously she began to pull away. Though we work together we live and hour apart and I have been off work for a while due to recent surgery. Texting and calling is our main form of contact. We usually meet up once a week or once every two weeks because of our conflicting schedules. She works 60-70 hours a week. She has been having a lot of issues lately with her teenage son who has deep emotional problems and refuses to visit her. Lives with her ex husband who turns him against her. This has been causing her deep pain. After realizing my mistakes I have stopped the needy behavior, jealous behavior and the pursuing ( I got her by pursuing) but I realize that is a temporary high for a woman. I allow her to do all the contacting. But….she hasn’t said I love you on her own in a month. I have stopped that as well. I stopped all of the gushing compliments. She has self esteem issues so I used to send her long texts telling her what a great mom and woman she is, trying lift her up ( bad I now realize). I have stopped that too. I used to answer her texts right away and now I make her wait if I’m busy. She used to text throughout the day telling me she missed me or sharing her day with me. That has dropped significantly. She still contacts me every morning with a ‘Good morning!’ But even a couple weeks ago it would be ‘Good morning love! Or Good morning hun!’ She’ll send one or two more then vanishes for 8-12 hours when I respond. I’ll hear from her late at night asking how my day was or my night is. I answer then boom…vanishes. Starts all over the next day. She agrees to a date but doesn’t seem very excited anymore. She told me she doesn’t have sex drive because she feels depressed but when we see each other she is very willing. She even recently blew me off one night when I was talking dirty..first playing along then vanished. The next day she said I pissed her off talking about fucking her because she has no sex drive and she purposely ignored me. I played it off and said no worries and and I wasn’t mad. be I took time responding to her morning texts and she accused me of being angry. I know her interest level has dropped due to my blunders. I have said dumb things because of jealousy. She is beautiful and has an amazing body so naturally guys at work are always try to get a taste. So early on there were instances where I acted like a needy, jealous, approval seeking, pleaser bitch. Now that I’ve seen my faults and are curbing these things. How do I get the respect back? She told me last week she always wants to see me when I asked her when she was free for a date. But I know with women words are in the moment and you must watch their behavior. Do I stay calm and let her continue to contact and set dates or do I speak up and tell her im only interested in being her lover and if this is going platonic I’m out and walk. A lot of this is very annoying frustratimg and how do I get the power back without being a jerk or going too cold? This happened in March and I asked her what was wrong and tried to fix it. She said she withdraws due to stress. I told her to make a decision because I it is not fair to pull away from me due to her personal issues. She straightened up but I have since lowered her interest. Now I am afraid to say that again. I don’t know if it’s appropriate and afraid she’ll get pissed and end it after already explaining to me her stress womanezze. Your insight would be greatly appreciated!

    Thanks for all you do!

    Wayne

    • It’s just a lot of selfishness on your part. I mean she works 70 hours a week so why would you expect her to be excited and wanting to go on a date with you? I work all the time, I go to the gym and a date is literally the last thing I would want to go on after all that. I would have low energy and it would just be bad. So that’s what she’s thinking, this is her situation. Why go on a date when she would be low energy and ready to pass out? It makes no sense. So you trying to get her out with you is a pretty big turn off. And then you get mad which is an even bigger turn off, lol. Just a downward spiral. So the question becomes: how do you get a woman who’s mega busy like this? Well, just look at any celebrity who’s constantly busy doing stuff. And what do you see? 90% of them are single! For a good reason. They don’t have time to date.

      In other words, stop trying to make this relationship work. You’ve done enough pushing and shoving and begging. Instead, let her take the reins. If she wants it to work with you, she will find the time and make it happen :)

  55. Daniel Guaragno says:

    I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 2 years and she’s at the point where she says she has little feelings for me. I lost her 2 times before but we were still seeing each other and I managed to mess up again. This time I’m over bearing and insecure she’s cheating and not able to handle the fact I’m not the only one or thing in her life.. Meaning work, school, and friends. Shes been being cold and not answering me anymore. She doesn’t care about my feelings cause I did it to myself. She says she loves me but doesn’t mean she has to be with me. She said that she’s been unhappy for a while because I just didn’t change. I wanna go to counseling and she said you should do it for yourself because she don’t know if it will make us better. Its day 3 since me and her had the talk of her wanting to let go but giving me a chance. How do I make her realize I changed. Is there a chance if I change she will come back?

    • She’s just not into you anymore and giving you a bunch of excuses instead of telling you why. And that’s fine, that’s what women do. They will never tell you a straight answer. All this counseling and all that just makes you look like a needy bitch lol so that’s not the answer. Anything you do in the effort of getting her back is just making her resent you more and more lol. Changing for her? That’s retarded. Why would you change when it’s your old self who got her originally? Think about that one…

  56. Jaime says:

    i read the entire page and even clicked on the other links to follow up and read and evaluate what you meant for each one.
    i understand I’ve some issues,i guess sorta co compended or the term you use.also the “good guy”.
    well basically she met me and i would drink here and there she even joined me a few times too.
    well later on i abused it,black friday i was supposed to pick her up from her job at macys 2013 and i was drinking,i thought i could drive but ended up getting my second dwi (first time with her).she was stranded and my dad picked her up.my first fuck up
    well i told myself i wasnt gonna drink anymore,i didnt want to get bailed out but she did anyways.i got out and i told her my decision was to stop.i did good for about 5 6 months and just wanted to drink again.she didnt like it but i still did.she just didnt like till the point i would slur my words or im gone and i promised her i wouldnt do that anymore.shes big on promises.who wouldnt though right,but she would have to take me to see my p.o and wait in the car till i was finished my classes ect and sometimes she felt unappreciated or i was taking advantage of her.netherless we got thru that but last friday i got sooo fucked up and i guess i told her off and called her names(i wasnt in my correct state of mind nor do i remember) and well she was packing her stuff and she left sunday.but thru that weekend i know i messed up by doing this but i did it before and got another chance with her so i begged and talked to her trying to persuade her i will stop completely for myself and for her because lets be honest alcohol isnt for me but she said no ahe gave me too many chances (3)and this was last if i knew that why would i do that and she cant believe me anymore why try if shes gonna end up getting hurt again.
    she told me she was gonna stay with a uncle out of houston but i know shes staying with her friend that picked her up.same day i asked if it was ok if i texted her she said sure and we talked and later at night she told me she missed sleeping in the same bed with me i know she hates being lonely she miss having her husband and having a car even told me she loved and missed me.next day no texts i sent one later and we texted but she was responding with simple texts and no emotion.third day none of us reached out to each other.fourth day i wanted to talk with her she was saying she was busy with chores i told her i knew she in houston lets meet up and chat she kept saying im not but if i was i dont have a way around…anyways i got sad and serious and wrote her a bigg message and she wrote back basically summing it all down to the same shit and that the reason shes distancing herself to me is because if she keeps in contact she knows that i will find my way back with her so shes vulnerable right now in my eyes i should keep trying but i guess from reading here im at fault for that…even though i know she loves me and still wants to be with me i wish her friend would stop feeding her things about me.
    i even brought up when she said if it was meant to be god would put as back together so i said well if your willing.to forgive me than why not now but she ssid not now shes hurt right now she meant later on…idk man i know 2 1\2 years aint long and we stayed living together that long but i love her and want to make this work.im sober so far and im going to continue but how would she see in her eyes im changing if i cant even see her
    please help me out rick thanks
    we accepted to be friends and chatted fine thru the whole night but i told her i had to let her go to sleep early for work and she said she was.happy im driving but becareful ok and shes glad i have goals set up.but today i messed up by texting her and saying goodmorning hope you have a nice day all i got back was likewise wtf?

    • It’s a text. Don’t worry about. Why do you have these expectations of her to respond to you in a certain matter? She doesn’t owe you a response. Why do you think she does?

      • Jaime says:

        so thats it after all you read?

        • Well you’ve just been lying to your girl over the years lol so how could you possibly have any positive expectations? As I always say, don’t even think about dating until you get your own issues solved (ie your alcohol problem, codependency and so on). Like do not date anyone until you get all of these issues handled.

  57. Hi Rick

    I been with my on and off girlfriend for more than 7 years. We met working at a clothing store. I was 19 and she was 18.
    She had a bf at the time but she told me she was breaking up with him because it wasn’t working out. Shortly after we begin dating and it was fireworks at first. But must admit when I was 19 I was young and Imature. I didn’ treat my girlfriend at the time right. I spoke to people she didn’t like and she cried many nights because of that. Fast forward broke up with her when i was 20 because I started talking to someone else ” basically listening to my frienI was so mad at first and I cussed her out about it. I stressed for a month or too and I must admit I didn’t treat her right around that time. When she was 5 months pregnant a random guy msg’d me and told me that was his kid. I couldn’t believe it , I was in shock. I confronted her about it and she look like she seen a ghost. A couple months later she had the baby and it wasn’t a pretty between her family and my family. I found out the baby wasn’t mine I was so hurt. She told me many times it was mine and we cried together and prayed. 2 years later we started talking again and we started to get really close. But I notice she was being distant again so I confronted her about it but she would never say anything. Long story short she was talking to another guy at the same time as me. That guy actually tried to fight me in a club and she stayed by his side. Shortly after that she was pregnant again and it was for me but by that time I stopped talking to her. She cried and cried. Then she finally had the baby .. I was a big ass hole at first because I didn’t wanna see the baby but after a Month I grew to love my daughter and I wanted to work things out with her mom. She started talking to that same guy I had a fight with and he actually jumped me and stole my phone. I couldn’t believe she would go that low to a guy i hate so much and have sex with him again after everything I went through because of him. Now she’s being distant again…. what should I do rick?

  58. Hi Rick,

    I don’t have much of an issue as i’ve got confusion. I have been in a long distance relationship with this girl for a month now, (we have known eachother for 3 years and finally realized our feelings for eachother where mutual since way before – neither of us simply dared not take the first step, but eventually we both did.), and until a few days ago, we where -very- flirty and could talk for hours on end. And now, for some reason she’s grown very distant and “casual” in our chats. no matter what i poke with, be it a compliment or telling her i miss / love her – it just goes past and she responds either with a smilie or changes topic. occasionally she tells me “i love you!! <3 <3" or something like when going to sleep, but other then that, it feels very much like i've turned into a super not-interesting character to her.. any advice on how i can deal with this?

  59. Anonymous says:

    Well, firstly, i am a girl in love with another, but this article rings pretty true. I just want to know, we arent really dating per se, but she always had very strong feelings for me. However, lately she has been distant. She also has been a bit upset. She won’t tell me exactly why and I’m always worried about her. She had a nervous breakdown one day, and after that, it just wasn’t the same. Help me out, what is the best thing i can do? I’m always trying to ask what’s wrong and always trying to be happy around her. Its difficult, however, because my depression and anciety acts up whenever i breach these subjects and i end up a sobbing mess. Help me out?

    • In this sort of case, I would say something like “Look, when you’re read to talk about how you feel, you know how to reach me.” and then don’t contact her for a bit. Let her come to you. The more you try to help her, the more you just smother her. Don’t do that :)

      • John smith says:

        Could you help me with my situation? :(

        I wrote above, says waiting for moderator to be confirmed.

        and to add on that, she always now lately say like, i text you after work, then 2 hours later after her shift ended, she said like, Kiss! Just got home, gonna make food, talk to you when your done, and i replied like, kiss,

        Then the all night passed, she was up to 2-3 am, She wrote that around 10.
        I don’t know if she is either trying to have some space, or to test me if im okay with her being away like this and not seeing that im to controlling etc.
        This article is like straight on, That’s why im asking for advice! :)

        • Well you just can’t let things like that get to you. At least, don’t show that it bugs you. In this day and age, women will push you away the minute you show interest lol. This is why you got to avoid playing their game, and get them to come to you.

  60. John smith says:

    Hi Rick, let me just begin telling you my background.
    Im from sweden so im sorry if my grammar isn’t top notch!

    Anyhow, I met this girl Around january 2015, we fell in love instantly, She is my first love, and im hers. We are both in the age of 20.
    So i went there to meet her, everything went well, ended up with we couldnt be a part from eachother, so I basically been with her since February day in and day out. Only time we were away from each other were when she went away travelling around July, and it ended up bad, she was suppose to be gone for a month, we both were like we cant wait so long not to be with eachother etc.. and we almost broke up for that reason.
    Anyways, she is the sweetest girl ever. she moved to my city after the summer to start studying here, it ended up with she made new friends, everything changed between us etc.
    about 4 weeks ago we had a arguement, i was a bit mad as she was flirting with a guy from her school, and i dont think she did it on purpose but anyways I thought it was wrong.
    3 weeks ago, i got a massive break out, or how you call it? Like just exploded of emotions and stuff, I told her I was done with everything, i didnt want to stay in this city etc…
    She got upset, and i did too after 5minutes of writing it, as I actually did want to be with her, but there was just so much going on during the time!
    So she said, i have to take a day away from you to clear my head, and that nothing was ruined, we were gonna solve it blabla,.
    But slowly the day after she didnt talk to me, she came home the day after kind of pissed of as I contacted one of her friends, her new ones. And asked if she was okay, and not super mad at me and stuff..
    So she was mad cuz of that, so she said to me when she came home after i talked to her a bit and tried to fix my misstakes, She told me i might go back there tonight to actually get a night alone, but she didnt, she decided to sleep here.
    Days went by, i knew i was a bit on her to much because i didnt want to lose her, and she was still pretty mad at me, she was going to a party at her school and not coming back afterwards, She was mad at me before she went there aswell as I was suspecting that she would cheat on me, and she did well 90% sure, as I saw it her eyes, when i confronted her the day after. Ever since that day shes been deniying it, and that just shows either, she regret what she did, or she wants to be with me, or that she actually did it just because she wants to get away from me.

    Anyways, Week 2.

    It all ended up with her moving to the school, we kinda “broke up”.
    I talked to a friend, she told me to just tell her straight off that either we fix this or we can’t be togehter, and then just not write to my girlfriend at all.
    I didnt til the day after that, i called her and she instantly answered, kinda of happy, but not overwhelmed.
    I asked, how are you etc. and she said fine, how about you? I said im okay, and that i had my space i needed to think stuff through, i told her that i didnt want to throw our 10 months away with eachother out the window, and that I was ready to try, to me up with eachother for a night, she agreed, She then came home to me the day after, everything went great. Felt like first time we met.
    I asked if she wanted to sleep over she said, no it will be cold outside tomorrow when i have to get back to school, but then she said i could sleep here tomorrow if you want.
    It ended up with she staying here from friday to monday.

    im just gonna go quick forward, as there is so much to tell.

    Ill tell you this week, I’ve been insecure in what she wants with us etc. Ive been trying to much to fix stuff, and trying to make her as happy as I possibly can. But from reeading this article its a bad thing to do.
    She was going home to her home town yesterday and i asked if i could come with, and she said no i want to be with my friend alone, i never see her etc. And i said okay. and i also asked a question if her friends or that friend was more importent than me, ( I asked this because, the night after i thought she cheated on me she went away , and i told her come home so we can solve this and talk this through and she said no, i have to finish this game first.) and it keept on like that.

    Anyways back to where i asked her about it 2 days ago, She said i would pick you over her etc. And i said okay, Then right before she left with the train i could feel like, she wanted to leave as fast as possible, but yet she talked to me like she wanted to fix things, i told her that I knew what i problem was. but we never solve this problem, it just is there as im the only one trying to solve it, and it ends up with me writing long messages to her, and i hate it. I really do as it makes me look to needy.
    But I cant help it.
    Anyways, we kinda solved the problem as we spoke about it before she left, I said it will be like it used to aslong as we do this together, I would stop writing long messages to her, and return she would try to show me that she actually wanted to be with me, That will say, write to me, say goodnight stuff like that. Stuff that she never do anymore.
    And i told her, its oky that i cant come with, but do you want me to come on the day your going back, and we can look at the apartment togehter, she said yea sure that works fine, and she was gonna fix ticket, but she never did.
    When i got home, i saw that she had to work next weekend, and then i knew she didnt want to come home that day, or that she wanted me to come. But yet she told me, i believe its either to test me, or its to give me false hope.
    I wrote a long message to her 2 hours later, she said like you cant do this right now, you cant write long messages, not now, and i said stuff like i cant do this anymore, i feel like your trying to get away from me, stuff like that. And she said Either you stop behaving like this or we cant go on.
    And i actually said after that, okay i think its the best as i make you feel bad, and this makes me feel bad.
    She wrote sad face and like dont do this,
    And i said but you just told me , if i keep on doing this it will end, and i said i wouldnt stop as the problems went on.
    Ended up loads she telling me, i love you, talk to you later, stuff like that as she was on a party with her best friend, and few other.
    and that we weregonna solve things today, but we didnt.
    She told me when she woke up i cant talk now, im going out to eat and i call you when i get back, There was 7 hours, before she even wrote or spoke to me, all isaid during these hours was, This guy called me ( apartment guy) . She replied what did he say,
    And i told her.
    She wrote to me, can you ask him if only you can go and watch the apartment alone, and the thing is SHE is the one that wants to look at it more than I , she is the one that wants it the most. and the fact that she told me that it wasnt that importent for her to be there with me, instantly got me thinking, why am I still trying?
    she’s gonna stay extra days now to be there.

    and im one step a way from telling her that i dont want her in my life no more and that i want to move on.
    Because I believe that she tried to be away from me, not to get space but to feel how it is without me in her life, she wants to see if she can get away from me for good.
    Stuff like that. she is cold, always me taking first steps now.

    Should I call her and tell her that I can’t do this anymore and tell her that i will block her and that we should move on with new people?
    And say that, unless YOU want to change this you can text me normally til tomorrow morning/tonight.
    And say like either we fix this together, or it will not work.
    and then if she says fine, goodbye.
    Or but i told you i want to be with you, or if you do this again you will lose me forever, Should I say, im ready for whatever comes next. I want to be with you but I cant live on like this.

    Either answer here or email me ASAP As I dont know what to do anymore. Thanks.

  61. Basically me and my girlfriend is having a fall out.
    Or well thats atleast how I see it. For the past month, she’s been a bit distant and cold etc. We been in a year relationship and shes told me that im her first love. Note that we are 21.

    Anyways, about 2 weeks ago we kinda of broke up. and we are currently living at my parents, anyways, During that week, we took in contact with her ex, a ex that have loads of history, I have such hate towards the guy as she left me for him few years back.
    Anyways, she took in contact with him, and i asked why. She told me that it was during the week everything was bad and he was the only one that knew her problems for her past, and thats her answer to that. But I find it kinda bullshit, as in my opinion, shes lost so much weight etc since she saw him, and maybe she is thinking, oh he might think im super hot now, lets get back to him.
    Other than that shes been kinda texting a other guy from her school in that kinda of way everyday for 3 weeks.
    She kept telling me she till wanted to be with me, Til one day i confronted her and she told me that she didnt know what she wanted, she didnt know if she still had feelings towards me or she said like I dont know if I want to be in a relationship with you. EVEN all this, she wants to move into this new apartment with me in 2 days.
    And she wants us to “try” to see if something happens, like i told her shame we wont e togheter agian, and she said, i didnt say that, i said we can be live now together and if it doesnt work we can live as friends.

    Im usually good reading people. But this time, im fucking confused. I dont know if she still wants me in her life or not.

    • I would stop talking to her. She’s talking to an ex and that’s where I like to draw the line. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, my friend.

      • Well , you’re article is very true as its basically describing my current situation. My go for 2 years now suddenly started acting strange fighting about stupid stuff and I feel she is just doing anything to push me away. When am around her I feel like she doesn’t want to be near me . She can’t wait until I leave so she is more comfortable. Take into consideration I only see her once a week as we live far from each other. And Lately when I ever see I can see she even doesn’t miss me like before. It’s like am forcing myself on her. She keeps saying am trying to control her !! . Last time I saw her we Fight about me staying with her for one more day. Which she used to be happy about. But what happened was she started shouting and left in middle of the conversation and went to her friends car. Although she talked to me on the same day to come back, but I think because one of her friends saw me drunk as hell that’s why she asked me to come back but I refused .Honestly I don’t know what to do as I feel the whole relationship is falling apart

        • I wouldn’t want to be around someone who doesn’t want me there. So I don’t know why you put yourself in this situation? Sounds like torture.

  62. Patrick says:

    Hi Rick,
    I need some advice and figured I would post. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years now and the topic of I don’t know what I want keeps coming up. Thing are very rocky right now and we live together too. That’s the problem. I moved to another town from far away to be with her. I commute pretty far for work every day just to be here with her but now she doesn’t know if she wants this or the relationship. She’s been through a lot and has lost a lot of family members to death just recently her grandmother passed away. Every time A big event like this happens she just says I don’t know what I want. Then I give her space and things are ok for just a little bit then back to I dont know what I want. I live with her and it is hard to know I’m living with this person that doesn’t know of she wants our relationship anymore. What do I do? And how do I give her time to think if this is really what she wants? I have told her were I stand and that I want this relationship and that she has to want this if it is going to happen anymore and if things are going to work she has to want things to work and her answer is just I don’t know what I want. I understand this is very hard on me just would like some pointers on what maybe to do to give her time to think of she even wants this relationship.

    • Actually I think you’re doing the right thing by giving her the space she needs when she says she doesn’t know what she wants. Because here’s the reality: most people don’t know what they want. I’m talking like 90% of the people out there. They don’t know what they want. They’re just flowing thru life, going with the motions. So when your girl says this, it’s cool to just be like “Hey that’s cool babe, I’ve got your back and will support you thru thick and thin” then just back off and let her have the space she needs. It’s really tough to read women in general, and emotional women are even more tough – hence why so many men have issues with them. This is why the best strategy is to give space and allow her the breathing room to make moves toward you.

  63. Stephen says:

    I’ve been seeing a married woman for about 8 months and she is going through a protracted divorce with an abusive husband. She is smart, beautiful sexy as hell and we developed a relationship over time whereby she told me she was in love with me. She also said that it hurt her thinking I did not know that. Most of our “relationship” has been on WhatsApp, texting. We meet occasionally for dinner, lunch or just a smoke, never more than a few hours. One weekend we went away together, had sex and basically had a great time enjoying each others company and sharing a lot of talk. Prior to that our online relationship became very deep, she sent me very provocative intimate pictures of herself, we never did internet sex. She said she never did anything like this before. I know she is emotionally unavailable, and ticks all the boxes for BPD, and so does she, but we are taking this one day at a time, however she has pledged loyalty and love on many occasions. The difficulty is with her divorce which is taking a long time to resolve, and she has been living a separate life from her husband for 3 years in the same house, occasionally fighting with him over trivialities, and him asking her to move out but her current circumstances are difficult for that to happen. We seem to have a commitment to each other and we trust each other implicitly. I have no reason to believe she is doing the same with others. Her career is very important to her and she works an 18 hour day, sometimes 7 days a week, which doesn’t leave much time for us. We had only one serious argument over a misunderstanding, for which she did apologize. Our relationship is suffering because of her work schedule, and we feel it’s keeping us apart. I give her plenty of space to do her own thing, and she really enjoys my company online and in reality, often saying that she loves my attitude and persona, which is flattering. I don’t feel this relationship is really developing, we never had a “honeymoon” period. What do you think should be my action…..take one day at a time? My problem is I don’t feel I’m getting much out of this relationship as I want more physical contact, not the texting all the time.

  64. mariana says:

    You know nothing about bpd article writer! It is not just women who get borderline personality disorder! It is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder or Dependent Personality Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder! We all have some personality disorder (men and women, yourself probably included) as we all have flaws and nobody is perfect. It is when it interferes in our lives to the extent that it is destructive that it becomes a problem and that fine line is crossed. I look after people with pds and sometimes they drive me round the bend but it is not good to generalise when pds are already such a stigmatised population. And remember….men have them too!
    I am a professional who deals with people who have personality disorders.

    • Uhhh you clearly haven’t read anything on my website because I always talk about male BPD, I always say that we all have flaws and issues, and I always say that BPD is different from the other disorders. So next time, please actually READ my articles before you make a retarded ass comment. It just makes you look stupid.

      • Hi I’m in need of some help. Let me give you a little insite I’ve been with this girls for 8 years and I’m only 24 everything has been good we have had our ups and downs but in the end I love her very much still and would like to spend forever with her but recently she’s been telling me she needs space that I need to work on me for us to be right because how can we be right if I’m not right? She keeps telling me that and now she is packing up and leaving state for a month and she’s telling me she needs to figure out what she wants I don’t want to loose her I love her and I want to give her space but don’t know how I want to still be able to have us and not be distance but give her the space she’s asking for I have no clue what to do in lost could I plz get some input

        • The issue is that SHE is wondering what the future is with you two. 8 years is quite a long time to be together, so she wants to explore the world and see what else is out there. My advice is that you let her go. Tell her to go out into the world, explore, gain new experiences and enjoy herself. This is really the best way to handle this situation. While she is gone, you also need to do your own thing.

  65. My girlfriend used to love me so much. She used to show me care too, used to respect me. I respected her too, but in relationship I don’t know where I took the wrong step. I gave her support in every situation and was available to her every time. Slowly I felt the balance of respect in relation was not constant. I was in a long-distance relationship… One day she had problem in her family and had her mood off. We were having conversation as usual and due to her mood off situation, we had bit conflict. She went angry and said she needs time. She loved me but whenever I asked her she said she don’t know if she loves me or not and she is not sure. After some days I took flight and went to the place she lived. She was surprised and was so happy. We spend wonderful time together. When I was with her nobody in the earth would tell that we didn’t love each other. We both were romantic, we understood each other, there was not a single conflict; she got jealous when I talk to other girls and so did I when she talked about other boys. After returning from there she treated me same and loved me. I used to ask her if she loves me but she said not sure and this time I told her to take time and think well before giving decision and she asked how much I could wait for her, I replied I don’t know I have fallen in love with you and there is no specific such time, I will be waiting. Unfortunately the very next day she had some conflict with her family. She had mood off and didn’t talked to me well that day instead she said she needs time for herself to me. I said ok and called her after 2 days if she is ok. She didn’t talked well but said she still has her mood off and didn’t want talk that day, then I respected her decision and said ok take your time and stay safe and hung up. After few days I called her again and she didn’t talked well and said me that we don’t have future and we might not end up together cause I don’t understand her. I tried to know what I didn’t understand but she didn’t tell anything. She said that from now onwards we would only talk when it’s required or something important and that she doesn’t wana bound me in boundaries. I tried to explain her that she wasn’t keeping me in boundaries but she replied that she would not stop me in doing anything because I was not kid and she wanted me to take my own decision and also she wanted me to spend time with my friends. That broke my heart. I sat quite. After few days I called her one time trying to talk about something important and she replied as if everything is normal but she never talked anything other than that. I asked her if she misses me and she said straight “no”. I took time, didn’t call her and one day she texted me “hey’. I didn’t have cell phone that time and replied 40 minutes late saying hi, but didn’t call her cause it was late night and I thought she was asleep. I called her next day but conversation was limited and she didn’t talk properly, I asked what’s the problem but she said personal problem and I can solve it and she wont tell me. I after few days she had question regarding some important stuff and called me to get the answer. I answered her question and that was it conversation ended. After 3 days I called her to know if she is good or not and she said yea she is good and then nothing at all, I just told her that I called her to know if she was good or not and I said take care stay safe bye and we hung up.
    After reading all the articles now I can roughly analyze my problem, which was, I lost self-respect. She once did tell me, “if you don’t love yourself, how would you be able to love me” I didn’t take that seriously but Now I know what it meant. I have also told her if she didn’t wana talk with me just let me know and I wont disturb her at all but she doesn’t tell that she doesn’t wana talk to me. Now I don’t know what I should do, should I call her or stop calling her???? Should I forget about her or keep hope?? How much time should I give to her to get well?? Should I call or text her to know what’s going on? What should I text her??? My heart is so broken. I remember every moments and that hurts me when I think about now. How do I even know if she is testing me or she is serious, she does say she is serious?? Sometimes I feel she is making me learn lesson but my other part of brain thinks everything is over. I am being so hopeless these days. Loosing self-confidence and self-respect.

    Please address my question with some suggestions.. ☹ ☹
    Sorry about my English, I cant even think properly right now ☹

  66. Confused says:

    So I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for about five months, and I think we might have been victim to the honeymoon phase. I only say this because in the last few weeks she has seemed distant. A lot of hot/cold behavior and seems focused on herself, if we talk it’s mainly about her and her problems. Now to be fair, work has been really stressful for her lately, so maybe that’s why. But I’ve also noticed, within the last week or two, that she has been taking longer to text me back. She used to be really quick, but now I’ll text her and won’t hear back, and I’ll see that she was doing stuff on Facebook for example, and then she’ll eventually get back to me. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this or not, but I also don’t know if I should address it or not. It’s bugging me but I don’t want to seem needy. Any advice would be nice.

    • Yeah she’s just gotten bored of you. All this daily texting, you probably saying ‘hey what’s up’ is just boring her to death. I want all men reading this to take notes: women do NOT want to be with a boring man. If you’re boring, then they WILL leave you after the honeymoon phase dies.

  67. Jaquis says:

    I have been going with my girlfriend for 3 months but I know I’m in love with her. She says “I love you but I just don’t show it” she sometimes pushes me away when I wanna hold her hand or try to kiss her. If I talk to her on the phone she might call me babe or baby a few time but when I see her in person she says “hey friend, buddy, pal, amigos. She never want to take pictures with me if I take a picture of her she gets mad she insecure about her looks. I try every day to make her feel beautiful but she tells me to “just stop”. She wasn’t always like this she was in relationships before with a guy named Robert he treated her wrong. They was together for 3 years, he cheated, he lied, he even told her to go kill herself thats she a joke the relationship never ment nothing to him “I was just playing you” he said. She told me she almost killed herself, she actually wanted to die. I treat her with the best respect but it doesn’t matter what I do because everything he did reflects on me. I’m afraid of losing her, but I’m mostly afraid of losing her to him even though she told me she don’t love him like that no more. Her ex Robert the one that broke her heart calls her everyday at least 5 times a day and If I’m around she doesn’t answer his calls or texts but I know she talks to him somethings. She showed me some text message he sent her and her reply. Sometimes he sends dick pictures and tries to flirt with her I think if he gets completely out of her life we could have a stronger relationship.

    • I think you need to leave this girl. She’s entertaining a guy that is sending her pics of his dink. That’s just retarded. Get yourself a girl who actually respects herself. Yes, even women with BPD have respect for themselves. But not yours.

  68. AUSTIN says:

    Hi there. Im seeking some advice, my girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, but we have known each other for 5. We’re in love. She is the ipidime of the perfect woman in my eyes. Rick this feeling of love isn’t just out of spite, this is something I feel so deep inside me I can’t explain it. My girlfriend has severe anxiety and doesnt like big crowds, loud noises, difficult people, etc. I love her all the more. Im still learning all kinds of ways to help her deal with stress and other issues. My concern, however, is as of late, I feel like she’s pushing me away. I recently had my wisdom teeth pulled and was away for a few days recovering. *Side note*- My girlfriend and I are really pretty good communicators and regularly talk about EVERYTHING. So before I got my teeth pulled, we were in a great place, intimate, fun, and would always look forward to the next time we could be alone. But since being back from recovery, I’ve felt like I just wasnt wanted, and pushed away. After talking about it, she was just scared for me and worried about hurting me if we kissed and so on. Well after that it seemed to be alright but, i still feel unwanted. I put forth A LOT of effort to keep her happy and both of us happy. When she’s feeling bad my go to is grab her hand, hug her, or physically let her know Im connecting with her and letting her know im there and that I want to help and that im there for her. But she responds nicely, which i appreciate, but will shift her stance or move my hand or TELL me she doesnt feel very clingy right now or what have you, and thats like punching me in the gut, it makes me feel bad about myself like there’s something wrong with me. Ive told her this and we’ve talked, but i dont feel resolution. She doesnt show the drive to find alone time, she doesnt light up the same anymore, I HATE IT. Often she will, jokingly, make fun of herself, or me or whatever it is just to be funny which, im used to, and we’ve talked about cutting back on it because she is insecure a lot of the time and thats her go to. Honestly I DESPISE the idea of losing her or seperating. I SEE myself being married to this woman. I cringe when I think about not being with her or someone else holding her hand calling her theirs. It pains me searching for answers but not every man can figure it out alone. She’s an amazing woman, I could be COMPLETELY in the wrong here, I really want her to feel like she is the most incredible woman alive, because she deserves that. She kicks her ass working hard, and is the sweetest, kindest human being, and she’s my best friend. Could it be that we haven’t been going out to dinner as much or buying things as much? Is it her anxiety? Do I give her MORE space? Is it just me? I try not to show offense if she is pushing me away, she wants me to tell her if she is, and I just want to be the best man I can be for her.

    • Hey I kind of like this girl lol I also do not like big crowds, loud noises, difficult people, etc. Those are good qualities to have in my opinion. So I wouldn’t be concerned about that. It just means she doesn’t like crowding, which is great. Crowding is just something that quality people don’t enjoy at all.

      Anyways, she probably needs space. Just back off a bit and see what happens. As a man, you need to be the leader. So if your gut is telling you that she needs space, then do it. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Tell her that you two should take a break if that’s what you think could really be the issue. There were many times in my past relationships where I KNEW I should have backed off, but I never did and it ruined things. I have since learned my lesson.

  69. Hey. Me and my girlfriend have been together for three months. she went to a vacation to two countries for 2 weeks. And she came back after. And after that she said that shes really busy unpacking and studying and everything. But the day she said that i saw her with her mates. And we fought. And we resolved. But we have never met and its about to be one week. And i tell her to meet up but she says soon or be patient. I dont know what happened need help.

    • There’s about a 90% chance she hooked up with some guys on her trip, so she’s just feeling like she can do better than you right now. But in a few weeks, like she said, she’ll calm down and want to be with you when she realizes that normal life has to continue again.

  70. Hey rick, I’ve been in a comitted relationship with my girl for 8 month but we’ve know each other for 5 years, up until about a month ago everything was great,we got along great,did nothing but laugh and have fun with each other and fell in love with each other, i really do love this girl with every ounce of my soul…. As of latly I’m just getting a lot of hot/cold activity, one day everything’s great the next day I’m lucky if I get more than a one word txt message , I,just don’t understand what happened, we’ve always had an extremely strong relationship ,always been open and honest and always had trust on each other.. You know we’ve just had an awesome relationship, until now. What should I do , the thought of losing her or even taking a break just about brings me to tears, I can’t imagine my life with out her in it ..

    • You need to back off. She’s dating someone new and the more you remain clueless about it, the dumber she’s going to think you are lol. I don’t know why this is hard for guys these days. Maybe it’s because men are weak as shit and suck ass? Probably. But either way, she’s giving you the cold treatment. So you give it back. Don’t chase girls.

  71. john Dilworh says:

    I have been dating the love of my life for the last 18 months, and everything goes well except for our love life. when we first met up in college she was a virgin. She was afraid of an intimate relationship so she asked me to take small steps. Everything was progressing slow, but was progressing. Then i had to leave for Christmas break, and when i got back, she wouldst let me touch her in any sensual way. I feel like we will never go all of the way, and that is something that I need in a relationship . What should I do? how can i fix this? is my relationship doomed?

    • Either suck it up and wait it out, or dump her and find a girl who actually qualifies for what you want in a relationship. It’s up to you man.

  72. Steven says:

    Hey I just read this article and a couple of your other articles and am looking for some advice. So I am a college freshman and should preface this with this is my first really romantic relationship. I was surrounded by new people at the beginning of the year and was lucky enough to meet a great group of friends in the beginning of the year, one of these friends is my current girlfriend and we’ve been dating for about 4 months now. So lately I’ve been feeling that distance that you were talking about. It started before winter break and has continued since, and not only does she seem to distance her self from me but our group in general. After reading your article I feel good that I’m not alone and can totally understand how I’m doing things wrong. We used to hang out everynight after class, usually watch and movie, show, play a game, make out. But then it ended, except I wasn’t used to it I would just continue to ask her each night if she wanted to hang out. Because this was such a sudden change it took me off guard and asked her a few times things like what’s wrong? or asking if there were ways I could help.
    I also feel that it’s harder to talk to her the way I used to when we met. We used to have goofy conversations without a filter and we could just talk. But tonight we ate silently together at dinner. I can’t figure out what’s holding me back from just talking to her like anyone else.
    My final question goes back to the whole building self confidence thing I need help understanding ways to boost this and more importantly how I can demenstrate this to her. The only time I used to see her was during those movie night things or at meals with the rest of our friend group which she hardly ever attends. When you say to give space that is hard because I’m afraid it might lead to zero contact what so ever.
    I would greatly appreciate it if you reply, this keeps me up at night and really eats at me. If you have any follow up questions about my particular situation I’d be happy to answer them. Thank you

    • She got bored of the same old routine. This is common in college and why most relationships don’t last during these years. My suggestion is that you need to just change things up.

  73. justin says:

    Hey Rick, I see you know alot about relationships and I am having some trouble… I have been when this girl for 10 months and we live together. I love her, she is amazing! I try to do all I can for her and I treat her very well. But I am having issues with my relationship on trust.. she has done nothing to make me think she would cheat on me. But I’m scared. I was married and my ex-wife cheated on me with my best friend/best man. I am having alot of issues in my relationship now because of this. My girlfriend now text her best friend. Which is a guy. This guy hates me but loves my girlfriend. He will not talk to me and that’s fine. But her talking to him makes me feel like she’s going to cheat on me. I have talked to her about this and she said they are only friends and nothing else. She told me what they text about but it’s stupid like “what’s your favorite cereal” or sending meme’s or whatever. But sometimes I will glance over and notice she has deleted just her text with him. She will keep her phone away from me like there is something to hide on it. And when she is texting him she knows I don’t like it so she gets aggitated or frustrated at me asking her questions when they are texting. Then once she gets mad. I try to fix the issue and I end up making it worst. Like right now if I touch her even slightly she moves away from me. She acts like she doesn’t really want anything to do with me. I don’t want to lose her. Just to tell you alittle about her.. this guy is really the only friend she has. They have known each other for 5 years. She told me they have had sex ore but that was way before solve was with me. And I know it is true. I’m just scared. I don’t wanna be hurt again and I don’t know how to control it…

    • Well, your gut is usually right. So if you feel like there is something more going on here than she’s telling you, then you’re probably right. I’m not saying she’s cheating on you. But hiding the phone and all? That’s bad. She might be losing attraction for you because you “try to do all you can for her and treat her very well.” Guys who behave like this tend to turn women off. So perhaps pull back a bit on being nice. Women hate nice guys after all.

      • justin says:

        I guess what I’m asking is I’m not sure if it is my gut feeling or a insecurity because of my past relationship with my ex wife. She I gotten alot closer to me since I talked to her about it. And she told me that she will not become the cheater the my ex wife was. She told me that she would leave before she would cheat on any one. She told me that I treat her to good to leave. She also told me that she loved me with all of her heart and would not do anything to hurt me. She also reminded me about how much her family loves me and how they would constantly remind her how “stupid as fuck” she would be if she left me. Then she told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me… she also told me she understood the way I feel and told me she would never delete her text with him again and said I am aloud to read what they say anytime I would like. She has stopped hiding her phone and has not deleted any text. Rick would you say it’s fixed? I feel alot better. I really love this girl. But how do I deal with insecurity in my relationship. Because after talking to her now I feel like it’s just me….

        • justin says:

          She makes me super happy and she is one hell of a catch.thank you so much for replying to me so quickly. I have already recommended this site to so many of my friends. You are amazing dude!

        • Okay well in this case, I’d just be like “Okay look it’s not like you can’t have friends, obviously you can and you should. Hiding texts just hits me the wrong way, so be open about it babe, that’s all. It’s not like I’m going to be looking over your shoulder. I can take care of myself, so if you’re not happy with me, then just let me know and we’ll go our separate ways.” Something like that. Your attitude needs to say that basically you’re fine without her, it’s in her benefit to be with you and not the other way around.

  74. Hey Rick I’ve been in relationship for 7 years been engaged for 2 we have 2 kids together 6 year old 4 year old we started out fine our love was strong everything was good til year 6 now it’s just a uphill battle with each other I feel like I lost her while she was in school she’s been in nursing school the whole 7 years and this past year she made new friends she put me on back burner in my gut she met someone new and when I brought it up who I thought it was she quit for awhile now it’s back she don’t come to me for nothing anymore we hardly talk we live together I need advice thanks

    • I mean your gut is probably right. Why else would she start acting this way? No, let’s not blame it on a disorder. People simple change. 7 years is a long time and maybe she’s just had a change of what she wants. Perhaps you’re not giving her what she needs. Could be a bunch of issues going on here, but what I can tell you is that you shouldn’t be forcing the issue. Let her leave if she wants. Don’t chase.

  75. Rick,
    Article above makes perfect sense to me. I’m 29 and always felt on the front foot in relationships until coming to America (from Ireland). Living in a small and pretty boring town with not many options I have probably changed my tact and become a bit more desperate. Fell for a girl out here and thinks we’re moving very fast. She was speaking about me moving in and all about “our future”. She then dropped the L-Bomb in very early (about 1 month of going out) but I was really into her so I didn’t mind too much. Anyway, things just started to get a bit more cold and distant over the last few weeks (started dating almost 4 months ago and going out about 2 months). We don’t have sex as often, she has asked me twice in a week not to stay the night (previously always wanted me there) and affection just isn’t the same. She still always tells me she loves me and is still making plans for the May and July this year but I feel if I don’t correct it soon she’ll lose all interest the relationship. I have fallen victim for making myself too available and forgetting about my friends and hobbies. She has a young daughter so I figured she’d want me to stay in with them, but it is not working out that way. By taking on the advice above do you think I’ll be able turn this around or is it too late? Or do you think I’m missing what the issue is entirely. I’m attached and do love her but this is more a case of knowing I’m not pissing in the wind by trying to make this work. If I am I’d rather jump before I’m pushed.
    Thanks

    • I mean this is really why I recommend people to take things slow for 6 months. No matter how much she says she loves you, sleeps with, etc., I always take things slow in those first 6 months. It’s really important.

  76. My story sounds similar to others on here. I dated this girl for about 2 months. We have been on at least 6 dates. Things were progressing great! She spent the night a couple of times, we were intimate but have not had sex yet. We wanted to see each other more but she has a child and was really hesitant about me meeting him. At this point in time I had met her family (already knew her sister) she had met some of my family. Well in order for us to be able to spend more time together she finally had me meet her son. The day out went great! The son liked me a lot, he wanted to hold my hand across the street, he wanted to sit by me during the events, we would play around, high five, just all around got along great. I even heard from the sister on the side that the son had talked about how much he liked me and couldn’t wait to hangout again. After this day all of a sudden the girl I was seeing went cold and now only texts me once a day if I’m lucky. Its usually a 1 word response and nothing engaging. I asked if everything was ok, told her I didn’t want to be that guy who didn’t get the hint, if anything had changed to just tell me. She said sorry she was just sick and tired from work and just haven’t been able to respond much. I said ok sorry to bug you and hope you feel better. Its been 3 days since that point. We have texted very little, few texts here or there (we use to text all the time). I have not asked whats wrong anymore, been very neutral but I have been the one to initiate the texts. So anyways, I am just confused. She had me meet her son, things went great, then suddenly she went cold. Everything was going great before that point. We even were planning potential future trips, now when she talks her tone doesn’t seem to include me anymore. Though she has not told me its over even when I gave her the opportunity. What should I do? or What do you think?

    • She just isn’t feeling you dawg. Gotta improve your game – your physical attributes, your mentality, your verbals, body language and so on.

  77. hi Hi Rick,

    I see where you have given some insight on other relationships so maybe you can aid me a little.
    I have been dating, messaging this girl for over a year now. We fell in love, talked soul mate material, we started talking and dating Dec. 24th 2014. We hit if off man, all the sweet things. I am sure you know how it goes.
    Now the problem is, here recently, she can sometimes get over stressed; she is in college, under pressure from her parents to make good grades.
    Now her recently just like out of the blue, she is threatening to send all the little what not I have given her over time back to me and she has even told me that “she is not what I think she is” and another response is “she is tired of people expecting me to be something I’m not”, I have told her many times I am behind her 100 %. I do not expect her to do anything but to be herself. I am not trying to mold her or shape her into something that she is not. I want her to be real and not fake. I have told her that on several occasions.
    Now it seem as almost like she is pushing me away, I have been researching this and some say, she does not really want to push me away, but I personally think it just a matter of too much stress on her and just overwhelmed, sometimes I believe it is she maybe a little disappointed in herself, the pressure from her parents to and the dissatisfaction in herself because she feels her parents are not proud of her.
    I have been trying here recently to give her some space, I only respond to her messages to me. but her messages this week about sending things back to me like it is over thing. But I really think there is something else going on a more underlying issue.
    My question is, now we use to talk every day, several times a day, but now it is only me responding to her. How much should I back off? How often should I talk to her?
    What is a reasonable amount of space, a day, every other day, every 2 days, a week, I don’t want her to think I don’t care and not checking on her, being that friend more than boyfriend thing, I mean we were talking marriage. I know a husband is more that a husband or should be, should be her best friend and someone she can talk to. Etc, etc.
    I am not naïve to know relationships can come and go, but what do I do here. How much silence should I give her? I love this girl and I do not want to lose her. I feel so much connection with her, but I again I just believe she is pushing me away and not because of something I done but because she is just over whelmed and confused from the stress.
    What do I do? Please help?

  78. So I’ve been seeing this girl for about seven mouths. I work with her but not in the same department. We met through a mutual coworker And my brother that works with her. When we first started talking, I remember she had a boyfriend so I eased up a little but I still wanted her. Every time I see her around work she would get super excited to see me. I stated to take a class (stats) with my homie because this school is really easy and she so happen to be going there. My friend needed a extra class so She recommended yoga so we both enrolled. As the semester went on me and her got closer.. Doing things before class and what not. She started to really dig we even went to our Holliday party as a couple. New Years came up and we made plans to hang. The night was great. The next day at work I still wasn’t Aware if she was still talking to her ex so at break I asked her bc I seen him call and text her. I told her I was fine with being cool together and we could talk to other people, but she said she only wanted me and that she has no feelings for her ex. We made up, but the next day she wanted to end it, I said ok we should be friends. And within the 5 min she said we should just start fresh. So the next couple of days we when to Mexico with her family for a week didn’t talk to her at all. When she came back she started texting me like crazy telling me about her dream about me and how much she misses me. She comes back for a day and has to go to the snow with her cousin. I seen her for that day that was it. When she was at the snow she texted me saying that “I’m the first guy that she ever liked this much and that I make her feel comfortable and the best sex she’s ever had.” I replayed with your the best thing that ever happens to me. She then said “see I told you i like you more” . When she came back school was going to start up again. I couldn’t get classes for my four year so I decided to take class that was transferable to my major at her school. I was pissed that I couldn’t get into my four year and she replied ” I wanna be selfish and have you here so I can see you.” The first week of school everything was great, I even took a swimming class with her. Second week of school not so much. Her cheek got infected and her had a quiz in her other class. I wished her good luck and she game me a kiss. When I seen her at break she was pissed she didn’t do so good. But that day her friend invited us out to bingo I won her a prize that she wanted to cheer her up. The next day is when it all when down hill. We had swimming class and after I don’t have another class for another 2 hours. I asked her if I can chill at her house till then she said yeah but she’s gotta study. I tried to tell her everything will be ok she’ll go good next one but she wasn’t having it, I fell asleep and woke up to go to class. She stayed acting funny style. For the next couple of days so i gave her space. I told her ” I know things are crazy in your world just wanted to give guy space in here for you need me.” She didn’t replied the next day till 5 am. I seen her at work everything was fine. I took off work the next day it was super bowl Sunday. Told her she can come by. She did but things were super awkward and I was drunk. She left because her mom was in the hospital that day. I walked her to her car a said is everything ok? She said yeah but wasn’t looking at me. She was in a rush so I let her go. The next day in swim class I didn’t want to swim in the same lane as her. And so after class she ask me if I was ok. We told me she couldn’t hang because her grandma was sick and she had to go to work at her preschool for her. I wasn’t trying to hang cuz I had somewhere to be. I gave her a gift (her favorite candy) and left she gave me a kiss and said thanks. This is where I think I fucked up. So met up with her before class ( not our swimming class) whe to lunch with her friend. I walked her to class and talked for a little small talk and gave her a kiss she smiled and said she’ll text me at break she never did. But I was busy on a film project anyways. At the end of my class I needed to save my project with a flash drive I didn’t have one so I texted her. She didn’t reply so I when to her class. I waved at her to check her phone. She looked and replied when I said now. She didn’t look at her phone after that. I waved again to see if she did I got a little pissed and left. She later texted me ” I didn’t have one and please don’t don’t distract me again”. I left it at that. I felf so dumb and needy after that, but I never said sorry. I didn’t need to I felt. she calls me all the time before swimming class. So she did so the next day. I picked up and said I was helping out my mom witch she said ok yeah help out your mom talk to you later yeah?. Didn’t talk to her all day. The next day I called. Her for lunch she didn’t pick up but texted me saying she was in the library. I ask if she wanted to meet up she said no bc she had to study but thanks for the invite, I never texted back bad move I felt on my part. So the next day I texted she saying “hey! I’m off at 830 cool if I call you?” She replied I’m going to be at the movies. I replied ok call me after she never did. I wanted to see if she wanted to still hang on vday. so now I’m going no contact with her. The next day at work there was no parking the only one was next to her car. She always text me when she’s on break or about to leave so I can come talk. But she didn’t and on vday at work I didn’t see her car. I haven’t talked to her since Friday and i went to a vday date with another girl. Didn’t have fun cuz my mind was still on her. So I’m waiting to see if she text or call me first and I’m considering dropping the swim class ( but I like the class because I’m losing weight and becoming more fit) we haven’t had the “TALK” yet. I’m losing my mind over this girl now. I want to see if she can actually do this bf and gf thing I’m willing to get to know her on another level now. Do you have any advice?

    • I think the best thing to do is just wait it out and see what she does. Don’t drop the swim class if you’re getting healthy benefits out of it. Do thing that YOU enjoy.

  79. Chris p says:

    So Rick here’s the deal, me n my lady have been together for 3.5yrs now. First off She is Ukrainian and I am American, I taught her to speak English, also her and her family used to live next door to me( so ya shes the girl nextdoor). Ok so long storry short recently she went to the dream center in Los Angeles for a week to get better. When she came home she was so into me it was great, but now a month or two later she literally locks herself in the bathroom for hours on end instead of being around me. Not to mention she is accusing me of cheating, even says she has proof. But the thing is I would never, I am way too in love with her to even think about doin it. Not to mention I would know we’re my dick has been. So basically what I wanna know is what I can do to fix my situation. I know I wasn’t Hella detailed but I hate typing. Sorry.

    Thanks. Chris.

    • Bro just let her sit in the bathroom. Stop defending yourself, there’s really no point as it will just make things worse. Look, for all the men out there reading this, if you want a girl (any girl, not just BPD) to lose attraction for you, then by all means go around defending yourself, trying to earn her love and all that. But don’t come crying to me when your girlfriend loses interest “out of the blue.”

  80. Hey Rick , well I’ve been dating this girl for two years . We always seemed to fight and it’s been going on for two years . She’s caught me cheating but I don’t think she’s done anything wrong (so I know of ) but the last 4 months she’s just been acting different basically I’ve been acting like the bitch trying to talk to her and we will fight over something so dumb and she won’t reply sometimes for a day or two and she’s more of the idgaf or care as much anymore type shit now . We still have sex and we still hangout but now I found out she’s going to Florida with her girlfriend and was keeping it from me for two weeks I kind of got upset but I’m trying to convince her to let me come and have her girlfriend bring her boyfriend . But at the same time I just feel like she really doesn’t give a fuck and I’m the only one trying . I don’t know what to do and I don’t have much time because she is leaving in two weeks and I don’t want her to do something dumb down there .

  81. Scott says:

    Rick,

    I have been dating this girl for 18 months and she has packed her bags and ended the relationship on several occasions. I, in general, have not chased her unless I agreed I was to blame for some or all of her issues. We had a huge issue recently and she left the state to live elsewhere. We have been talking and she says she’s receiving therapy (she has huge daddy issues) and seemed to take responsibility for the incident that led to the relocation. The problem is that her life is incredibly difficult now that she’s moved and the incident is affecting her job prospects. With this in mind she basically switches her mood and I am all of a sudden the bad guy who essentially caused her hardship. She ignores the ample assistance I have (probably stupidly) given her since her relocation.

    I find her blame shifting and general lack of gratitude and respect/care for me unacceptable and told her so. She reacted in her typical way by saying basically “don’t like it, don’t talk to me”. I haven’t spoken to her since.

    Finally, my question. Does this sound to you like I have reacted properly? I have been mentally scrambled by this woman for the entire relationship and I am no longer sure if I’m being unreasonable or if she’s trying to control the situation at my expense.

    Thanks in advance for any comment

    • No, the problem is that you’re transfixed by her which never works. No woman, BPD or not, wants to be with a man who’s constantly getting sucked into a girl’s drama. Every guy you’ll ever meet who has women chasing him never gets sucked into the women (aka you’re clingy, bro!). You really need a complete turn around of your mentality towards these women. Check out my Academy if you haven’t yet.

  82. Hello man,
    We both are approximately 19 years of age….let me get straight to the point.. We both were like any other love couple.. But suddenly she started giving me cold replies… When I asked her she said.. Their is some problem in her family.. But didn’t share the problem.. I offered my help but she said.. In this issue even she can’t help… I decided to disappear.. But after a day she said.. All I Wanted was a little bit of attention but no one is seems to talk to me.. So I decided to make her feel special.. But a day after.. She again started the same behavior of cold reply… What should I do? Should I give her some space by disappearing for a week or two?.
    Please help man
    Thanks :)

  83. Hey Rick,

    I’ve been completely oblivious as to why I’ve been pulling away from my boyfriend for the past few months, but reading this cleared things up for me.

    My boyfriend of 2 years has only recently noticed my cold/irritable behavior and he’s started to act a bit clingy, which turns me off even more. He isn’t the same person I was attracted to in the beginning. He says he doesn’t need to work out or watch his diet because he already has me. He no longer dresses as nicely as he did before. He also grew a beard, which I hate, but he doesn’t care. I’ve expressed my feelings. Unfortunately he doesn’t take me seriously. I feel guilty for it, but he’s leaving next week for 4 days and I’m so glad about it. I could really use the space. I love the guy, but he’s clueless. I hope he finds this piece in his travels.

    Great article. I found it very helpful in understanding my own feelings.

    • Thanks! I think everything you said in your comment is what a lot of women feel as well. And then the clueless guy is shocked when the girl leaves. But that’s because he’s clueless!

      • Cyrus says:

        I have this women, we started as friends, we got into a relationship, once we did that she has broke up with me many times we finally just got back together, we even talked about marriage, over this past mouth she’s told me she’s done about 4 times, I asked her what it would take for us to move in together she goes I just need time to miss you, I messed up n called her she answered n goes I’m done you should’ve just let me be, we did talk about the problem we had.She says she has alot of issues from her past I love her,n all the breakups were due to stupid little things she’s so sensitive but it’s like I can’t talk to her about anything without her getting pissed off n saying I’m done any addvice?

        • Well it’s because you’re trying to have these talks which serve no purpose. You’re trying to fix your damaged ego through these ‘talks’ and she knows it. Don’t do that. Like she said, she needs time. You need to kill your neediness and desperation for her.

  84. I love you man
    You are the only one who really understand my feelings, and your words make me comfortable, thank you

  85. Hey Rick, just started reading your articles and Blueprint book and I am truly amazed, it is helping me in my thought process so much in just 2 days.
    I was a strong confident person but since I had a bout in hospital with a disease and near the same time my long term relationship ended, it knocked my confidence for sure. Fast forward 6 months I was feeling great and confidence back, and I met this awesome girl and we hit it off instantly and fell in love quickly. The first time we had any difficulty and argued, I resorted to not being myself, as these feelings of negativity, fear and weakness that I felt at my worst a few months back crept into my head if I stuck up for myself. Since then I felt like I have became more fixated on making sure my partner is always happy and agreeing with her and apologising for any arguments we have, no matter how irrational they are. She has wanted space from me and has recently being spending time with a male friend which I agreed to even though it goes against my beliefs and my own self respect. I guess she is subconsciously needing to see a man because I haven’t been the strong self-respecting self loving man that I know that I am.

    I have told her that I have turned into this insecure bumbling idiot recently and I am realised my faults and i am working on changing myself back to the old me, now I know how to act going forward by respecting myself and taking care and controlling my own thoughts and emotions. My question is, if she continues to want to see this other male (round her house, 1 on 1), how do I go about telling her that it is NOT OK in my mind as to me it is disrespectful? And then if she still does it anyway, is it then time for me to move on??

    Thanks man!!

  86. Melissa says:

    NONE OF THESE GAMES WORK.
    ACT LIKE ADULTS AND SPEAK YOUR MIND.
    OR LOSE THE BEST THING YOU EVER HAD.
    ALL THIS IS ARE A BUNCH OF EXCUSES.
    WOMEN DO NOT LIKE JERKS OR GAMES.
    MAYBE GIRLS DO BUT WOMEN WILL WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

    • You’re right: the hot girls in their 20’s like jerks and play games. Welcome to reality.

  87. GAURAV says:

    Generally speaking are the tests they give out really to see how much you are in control of yourself and how much you self respect/ value your boundaries? As then if this is sorted then you call them out on any shit and breeze past. Also do you have a written section on how to communicate/ understand their behaviour?
    Excellent stuff

    • Yes. This is why they test. All women test. The more attractive the woman, the more she tests. Simple fact.

  88. James says:

    HEY RICK!

    I’m going to really try not to write a huge essay ’cause I’d like you to read and would appreciate just a word or two from you of what you think has occurred, and maybe a quick bit of advice…. (and I don’t have $40+ to spare right now)

    Basically, everything from your article and other BPD research has filled in the blanks for me, but I’m still clueless why my wife of 3 years had me removed from our apartment by my parents. I have only recently discovered she clearly has BPD issues since her childhood (she was left by her daddy – who was her “best friend” when she was 15 – her first husband forced her to have an abortion (before they were married) when she was in college, she slept around on him (with his consent apparently), he abused her and cheated on her in their marriage. Her 2nd husband was a drunk (and I used to be too when we first met, but I’m sober now, lost 75 lbs and in great health now). Don’t know if it matters but she is 13 years older than me and she is now quite a fervent Christian and self-described “Jesus Freak.” She used to drink long before we met, but in 4 years I have only seen her drunk twice (and the first time she cut herself). As I alluded to, I have recently made some major changes in my life over the past year. After years of failed relationships dating psychos that (I had believed) traumatized me, I wonder if I’ve developed some BPD traits myself.

    I’m definately less of a “snowflake” (great word btw) these days and recently I’ve been more no-nonsense and firm in my speech toward my wife, and displaying more confidence. She seems to resent that I think for myself more, and that I need her less. She recently admitted she struggles with jealousy. Throughout our relationship, she would often argue with me til sunrise, slap me across the face, and has even struck me with various household items. We’ve both had each other thrown out of the house several times. I was wrongly arrested for domestic violence and nearly changed with a felony simply for trying to remove MY cell phone from her hand, which bruised her wrist. These kinds of things have not occurred in over a year however, but just recently she freaked out at me for going on a long walk. This was Christmas day, and I just left to get away from her tension. (She always seems more irritable on holidays) When I got back she began asking me suspicious questions. I calmly and subtly called her out on the nature of her line of questioning, and she reacted with “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore!.” Instead of giving in to her comments, I put on my headphones and calmly walked into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat in there for an hour, occasionally noticing the pounding on the door. Next thing I know my dad is taking the door of the hinges. My wife was gone, and my parents said “we’re taking you out of here.” (My family has noticed her craziness for some time and worry for my safety and sobriety around her) I don’t know what she told them when she called, but it seemed clear she kicked me out again. She is now denying that, but I see no other reason for her to call them. (If she was simply worried about me, why didn’t she stick around, right?)

    So my question is this: WTF did I do wrong THIS time??? Obviously she was testing me. I thought I passed her test by not giving in to her provocation. But looks like I failed big time! What, if anything, should I have done differently? We’re still separated. I am contemplating divorce, but feel I should give her one last chance.

    • @James

      Easy, you stopped listening. You didn’t see what was building up the whole time. Rick is right to say you have to wait until she finishes her tantrum when it gets to that point. You don’t solve anything when there is no cool-down time, trust me. But, the issue here is that you failed to prevent it. Self-respect is a good thing, it is a good thing to stand up for yourself and to hold your ground. Rick says it harshly because most snowflakes I know, 90% of the time see self-respect as “being mean” when they aren’t being mean at all and 2nd guess themselves too often and fail to bring any value from their own self-worth to the relationship (which is quite boring). Self-respect does not mean you lose your ability to be respectful of others. You failed to listen. And she reacted that way because you were denying her of something she truly felt like she was right about. The most common mistake I see that make people jealous, is ignoring what flirty women may say on social media, or going along with a flirtatious attitude in public. Both are inappropriate. Ignoring it isnt respectful, it’s offensive. Manning up here, is telling people to cool it and respect the fact that you are in a relationship. You can make your own decisions, someone attempting to cross that boundary has no respect for you, an thinks they can make better decisions for you. You allowing that to happen, is infuriating. You aren’t effectively maintaining boundaries, she got mad, you ignored her, and she found it extremely offensive and disrespectful and blew up. Use your logic more. Communicate with her and use your logic to determine if what she is asking is reasonable. To do it right, you have to remove your emotions first. I never analyze with emotions, too many mistakes are made if you do because emotions aren’t reasonable, logic is. When you are right to deny her, she’ll calm down later. When you aren’t, she’ll abandon you. Hands down.

      • If someone’s being flirty with you, you can ignore it. You don’t have to tell the person to stop. That’s just ridiculous. The rest of this comment is pretty accurate though. I’ll add that being logical never works because people aren’t logical. What do you think has more succes when it comes to dating: being logical and direct, or being fun and ridiculous? Obviously, the fun and ridiculous wins every time unless you’re dating an escort, lol

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