Today I had an itch to write about a popular topic: The Fear of Abandonment and my experiences with this in my past BPD relationships that failed.
And my first opinion is that it’s really one of the most confusing things about people to understand. Thinking logically, as most people do, it just doesn’t make sense that someone with these fears of abandonment would push you away when you’re doing everything you can to be a great boyfriend or girlfriend.
So what’s the deal? What’s going on beneath the surface that you’re not seeing or understanding? Obviously the words he or she says isn’t matching up with the actions. So what’s the fear of abandonment really all about?
Does he or she even know what’s going on with them, or are they just as lost and confused as you are? These are all common questions I receive from my clients and readers like you. I hope this article helps you out and answers questions you’ve had.
Key Point: Knowing Your Worth and Giving Value
As I write this article, I want you to put yourself in the shoes of someone that may have these fear of abandonment issues. It’s an emotional problem at it’s core and I’ll be writing this article as if I’m coaching someone suffering from this issue.
The key point you need to understand is that I believe fear of abandonment comes from a lack of self-worth, value, respect and all that. A lack of these qualities breeds insecurities. The development of poor core values during upbringing only adds to the toxic pool of issues.
So for any sort of healing to take place, any chance of putting an end to emotional abandonment and feeling good about yourself, you have to develop a sense of worth. You have to respect yourself. You have to believe deep down that you’re actually a pretty awesome person that deserves a great relationship and worthy of love, respect and honor.
Your Value Is Based On Self-Worth
At the core of emotional abandonment is the feeling that you’re worthless. And this is usually developed during childhood. There’s a reason broken homes are notorious for causing problems with kids as they grow older. There’s a reason certain women get labeled as having ‘daddy issues’.
It really comes down to your deep, core values as I commonly teach here. If you have a poor set of values and beliefs, your mindsets are generally going to be poor and your view of yourself is also going to be poor. This directly influences the types of people you attract for a relationship.
The result of all these insecurities is that you start to seek validation elsewhere. Yet when you find a person that actually gives you the respect and honor that you deep down desire, it actually has a reverse impact in that it brings you to the fear of success.
The fear of success in this case is that you may be close to experiencing a great relationship. But you don’t feel that you deserve this. You’ve put on this fake show for a bit, had this great honeymoon period, given your lover lots of affection. But it’s all really fake, all designed to hide the fact that you’re actually deeply insecure and worthless.
(Remember – I’m talking to you as if you have the fear of abandonment. So keep this in mind as I explain things)
Failure To Place Your Own Worth Above Others
This is why BPD’s are notorious for being hot/cold. They’ll give you all this love and affection one day, then nothing the next. They go from feeling great about themselves to feeling worthless. It’s an extreme swing in emotions and why it’s extremely important to focus on getting your emotions handled no matter who you are. (further reading: Dating Someone With BPD)
People with a low sense of self-worth will seek validation in others. They’ll put their own needs aside and instead spend their time and energy making their partner feel great. Again, people with BPD do this at an extreme level during the beginning of relationships. This is why it’s really easy to get attached to them, fast.
I really believe that in order for anyone to experience a fun, healthy, long-lasting relationships, it all starts with having a high sense of self-worth. This prevents you from being a validation seeker. You don’t need a boyfriend or a girlfriend to feel good about yourself. You’re fine being lonely for the most part.
Imagine growing up in a household where you never got that sense of self-worth from your parents. In response, you’ve had to seek your validation elsewhere. This is a major cause of emotional abandonment and people can carry these feelings for their entire lives. (further reading: How To Control Your Emotions)
You Never Learned What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like
Growing up in an environment that never taught you to value yourself, you also more than likely never saw what a real, healthy relationship looks like. All you have to go off of are the people you grew up with.
Most of us have our own understanding of what a relationship is like. This is the crucial role of a parent – to pass down core values and beliefs. If as a parent your beliefs and values are crap old and outdated, then your kids are going to have these crap values as well.
Being an adult really is a freeing experience. While it may be tough at times to break away from the habits and beliefs you’ve been taught for 18 years, doing so is the only way to free your mind and grow in a positive direction.
I honestly believe most of us didn’t have a good example of what a great relationship really looks like. I know I didn’t. I’ve had to literally teach myself everything I know thanks to books, mentors and my own experiences. You should do the same. It’s how you grow!
Growing up with a lack of solid core values can lead to feelings of loneliness and worthlessness as you simply feel that you actually don’t deserve to be with someone great. Why should you have a great partner when you don’t even know what it means to be great?
This directly causes you to feel less worthy. And it directly affects your vibe and energy which people pick up on.
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Dependent On Others For Healing
As you grow older, you may begin to feel like you can find a partner that can give you these feelings you so desperately want. You can find a relationship where these good feelings will finally come to the surface and you’ll live happily ever after.
As good as this sounds on paper, this isn’t how it actually ever works because emotions don’t follow logic. Once you actually get these feelings, the past comes to haunt you, you lose control of your emotions, you doubt yourself, you fear success and hence you push your partner away.
All of this is directly affected by the fact that you seek healing in others. As long as you have this belief, you’ll never actually find the healing you want.
This is because healing can only come from within!
Lack of Boundaries and Failure To Take Responsibility
So then the question becomes ‘How can I heal and end these feelings of emotional abandonment?’ Well I’m glad you asked. As I said earlier, it comes down to educating yourself and growing in a positive direction.
By developing strong core values and a positive belief system, you can get yourself on the right track. This comes through time as you begin to break your mind away from what you experienced in the past.
Smashing old habits, developing boundaries, setting high standards for yourself, developing goals and completing them are all great ways to becoming self-validated.
And the final step is responsibility. Take responsibility for who you are today. As painful as that may be, it’s how you push yourself to leave the past in the dust and become someone new and fresh.
Your past serves one purpose only: to learn from. Never dwell on it – simply accept it as it is, learn from it if you can, and move forward.
You Attract What You Project
At the end of it all, you attract what you project in life. The people that want to date you and be with you end up being pretty similar to who you are. This is why you find people with codependent issues falling hard for BPD’s – they are both slaves to their emotions, constantly seeking validation in others. (further reading: Codependents In Relationships)
This is true to its core and one of the fundamental concepts I teach here. I can tell what type of person someone is based off of who they date. So when you are having issues with someone like a BPD for example, you’re basically struggling with the same, similar issues as them. Why else would they be drawn to you? Have you ever asked yourself why they dated you?
The more you are a slave to your emotions, the more likely you’re going to constantly find yourself dating someone on the same level. This is just a breeding ground for a toxic relationship full of drama and emotion ups and downs.
Fear of Abandonment is a big, confusing topic to most. What you’ve read here is my experience with it. Your mileage may vary of course.
I hope I’ve been able to help you out and clear up some questions you have.
I’ve got dozens of articles on my website here. Bookmark my website and check out my Quora page if you want to read me answering various questions about relationships.