Today I had an itch to write about a popular topic: The Fear of Abandonment and my experiences with this in my past BPD relationships that failed.
And my first opinion is that it’s really one of the most confusing things about people to understand. Thinking logically, as most people do, it just doesn’t make sense that someone with these fears of abandonment would push you away when you’re doing everything you can to be a great boyfriend or girlfriend.
So what’s the deal? What’s going on beneath the surface that you’re not seeing or understanding? Obviously the words he or she says isn’t matching up with the actions. So what’s the fear of abandonment really all about?
Does he or she even know what’s going on with them, or are they just as lost and confused as you are? These are all common questions I receive from my clients and readers like you. I hope this article helps you out and answers questions you’ve had.
Key Point: Knowing Your Worth and Giving Value
As I write this article, I want you to put yourself in the shoes of someone that may have these fear of abandonment issues. It’s an emotional problem at it’s core and I’ll be writing this article as if I’m coaching someone suffering from this issue.
The key point you need to understand is that I believe fear of abandonment comes from a lack of self-worth, value, respect and all that. A lack of these qualities breeds insecurities. The development of poor core values during upbringing only adds to the toxic pool of issues.
So for any sort of healing to take place, any chance of putting an end to emotional abandonment and feeling good about yourself, you have to develop a sense of worth. You have to respect yourself. You have to believe deep down that you’re actually a pretty awesome person that deserves a great relationship and worthy of love, respect and honor.
Your Value Is Based On Self-Worth
At the core of emotional abandonment is the feeling that you’re worthless. And this is usually developed during childhood. There’s a reason broken homes are notorious for causing problems with kids as they grow older. There’s a reason certain women get labeled as having ‘daddy issues’.
It really comes down to your deep, core values as I commonly teach here. If you have a poor set of values and beliefs, your mindsets are generally going to be poor and your view of yourself is also going to be poor. This directly influences the types of people you attract for a relationship.
The result of all these insecurities is that you start to seek validation elsewhere. Yet when you find a person that actually gives you the respect and honor that you deep down desire, it actually has a reverse impact in that it brings you to the fear of success.
The fear of success in this case is that you may be close to experiencing a great relationship. But you don’t feel that you deserve this. You’ve put on this fake show for a bit, had this great honeymoon period, given your lover lots of affection. But it’s all really fake, all designed to hide the fact that you’re actually deeply insecure and worthless.
(Remember – I’m talking to you as if you have the fear of abandonment. So keep this in mind as I explain things)
Failure To Place Your Own Worth Above Others
This is why BPD’s are notorious for being hot/cold. They’ll give you all this love and affection one day, then nothing the next. They go from feeling great about themselves to feeling worthless. It’s an extreme swing in emotions and why it’s extremely important to focus on getting your emotions handled no matter who you are. (further reading: Dating Someone With BPD)
People with a low sense of self-worth will seek validation in others. They’ll put their own needs aside and instead spend their time and energy making their partner feel great. Again, people with BPD do this at an extreme level during the beginning of relationships. This is why it’s really easy to get attached to them, fast.
I really believe that in order for anyone to experience a fun, healthy, long-lasting relationships, it all starts with having a high sense of self-worth. This prevents you from being a validation seeker. You don’t need a boyfriend or a girlfriend to feel good about yourself. You’re fine being lonely for the most part.
Imagine growing up in a household where you never got that sense of self-worth from your parents. In response, you’ve had to seek your validation elsewhere. This is a major cause of emotional abandonment and people can carry these feelings for their entire lives. (further reading: How To Control Your Emotions)
You Never Learned What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like
Growing up in an environment that never taught you to value yourself, you also more than likely never saw what a real, healthy relationship looks like. All you have to go off of are the people you grew up with.
Most of us have our own understanding of what a relationship is like. This is the crucial role of a parent – to pass down core values and beliefs. If as a parent your beliefs and values are crap old and outdated, then your kids are going to have these crap values as well.
Being an adult really is a freeing experience. While it may be tough at times to break away from the habits and beliefs you’ve been taught for 18 years, doing so is the only way to free your mind and grow in a positive direction.
I honestly believe most of us didn’t have a good example of what a great relationship really looks like. I know I didn’t. I’ve had to literally teach myself everything I know thanks to books, mentors and my own experiences. You should do the same. It’s how you grow!
Growing up with a lack of solid core values can lead to feelings of loneliness and worthlessness as you simply feel that you actually don’t deserve to be with someone great. Why should you have a great partner when you don’t even know what it means to be great?
This directly causes you to feel less worthy. And it directly affects your vibe and energy which people pick up on.
Also – if you like what you’re reading so far, then you’ll love the emails I send out almost daily. Join my free newsletter here and I’ll send you a free gift (no, it’s not my smile but you’ll get a glimpse of that later).
Dependent On Others For Healing
As you grow older, you may begin to feel like you can find a partner that can give you these feelings you so desperately want. You can find a relationship where these good feelings will finally come to the surface and you’ll live happily ever after.
As good as this sounds on paper, this isn’t how it actually ever works because emotions don’t follow logic. Once you actually get these feelings, the past comes to haunt you, you lose control of your emotions, you doubt yourself, you fear success and hence you push your partner away.
All of this is directly affected by the fact that you seek healing in others. As long as you have this belief, you’ll never actually find the healing you want.
This is because healing can only come from within!
Lack of Boundaries and Failure To Take Responsibility
So then the question becomes ‘How can I heal and end these feelings of emotional abandonment?’ Well I’m glad you asked. As I said earlier, it comes down to educating yourself and growing in a positive direction.
By developing strong core values and a positive belief system, you can get yourself on the right track. This comes through time as you begin to break your mind away from what you experienced in the past.
Smashing old habits, developing boundaries, setting high standards for yourself, developing goals and completing them are all great ways to becoming self-validated.
And the final step is responsibility. Take responsibility for who you are today. As painful as that may be, it’s how you push yourself to leave the past in the dust and become someone new and fresh.
Your past serves one purpose only: to learn from. Never dwell on it – simply accept it as it is, learn from it if you can, and move forward.
You Attract What You Project
At the end of it all, you attract what you project in life. The people that want to date you and be with you end up being pretty similar to who you are. This is why you find people with codependent issues falling hard for BPD’s – they are both slaves to their emotions, constantly seeking validation in others. (further reading: Codependents In Relationships)
This is true to its core and one of the fundamental concepts I teach here. I can tell what type of person someone is based off of who they date. So when you are having issues with someone like a BPD for example, you’re basically struggling with the same, similar issues as them. Why else would they be drawn to you? Have you ever asked yourself why they dated you?
The more you are a slave to your emotions, the more likely you’re going to constantly find yourself dating someone on the same level. This is just a breeding ground for a toxic relationship full of drama and emotion ups and downs.
Conclusion
Fear of Abandonment is a big, confusing topic to most. What you’ve read here is my experience with it. Your mileage may vary of course.
I hope I’ve been able to help you out and clear up some questions you have.
I’ve got dozens of articles on my website here. Bookmark my website and check out my Quora page if you want to read me answering various questions about relationships.
– Rick
steve says
Rick,
Your post and materials have really been helpful in my personal development, and though I haven’t permanently “broken free”, I have made significant progress. You are 100% correct in your BPD book that this is not something that you work on for a day, a week or even a month. I’ve noticed that when I have seen my own success, my ego becomes inflated and this is when I don’t stick to the game-plan. The end result is a cyclical dysfunction where I’m great on my own, but when enmeshed with my girlfriend’s polarized emotional cycles (Hot/Cold), I find my own self-worth challenged and I become confused myself. This is where a dangerous cycle begins – I feel like my self esteem and my ego begin to have this battle. Unfortunately, the result seems to be my own push-pull…moments of confidence , patience and understanding – followed by mirrored alienation, self doubt and even negative projection/acting out. The thing is, I’ve read enough (also reading No More Mr. Nice Guy!) to know when I’m screwing up, however it’s like my ego goes into over-drive and/or my self esteem drops off…then I recognize the battle and try to create balance between the two.
With the holidays upon us, I find this even more prevalent, as I have been a caretaker in the same relationship. Though I’ve attempted to set boundaries, my delivery of these messages are not consistent and though I try not to react to her comments (mostly financial) I know that they leave their mark. I know I have issues and I’m trying to work on these, and perhaps it’s my abandonment/esteem/ego issues that are contributing our toxic cycle. Here is my question: I’d like to discuss this with my girlfriend, acknowledge taking responsibility for my issues and to acknowledge that I am working on them and basically tell her to not let me fuck this up. Is that simply giving my power away or can you suggest a healthy way to handle this? My goal is to not unload my emotions, but to create additional boundaries and attempt to continue my “bubble breaking”, so that we can ideally rid ourselves of this dysfunctional loop.
Appreciative and Happy Holidays.
Sheria Richey says
I’ve experienced some similar things that you’ve spoken of in your articles. I take what I like and leave the rest behind. I’m married to a man with bpd. I just mentioned this article to him about fear of abandonment. Interesting reply from him, he stated the following mantra I’ve heard over and over and over ad nauseam. “My fear of abandonment is not that, it’s a fear of betrayal. If all you’ve ever been shown in the past is that all women cheat, then that’s what I expect you will do just like every other woman.” I won’t go into the histrionics of the remainder. My sense is that this will never change. As a side note, I’m now reading your information for myself mainly, no surprise I have a fear of being abandoned myself. I’m bi polar, so my meds keep me as stable as I’m at right now. However stress triggers my illness and being married to a male with bpd is inherently stressful. NOT getting into an argument over his ongoing suspicion just this morning to which he hasn’t slept from it is standard when he’s triggered. I know when he was triggered two days ago, blah blah blah. But he’s subsequent behavior is predicated by the recent trigger. Me? Just trying to avoid stepping on those land mines. Impossible? Yes, because it’s not my issue to fix, my energy is going into guiding me these days which is a whole other story. Thank you for the information you provide. Your online bpd btw was literally an answer to prsyer, yes I got up off my knees praying for an answer Google make bpd one more time and bought the book. Prior to the prayer. I’d not seen your book before. What a relief it’s been and I actually have become fairly proficient at handling”him.” But more importantly it’s freed me up for more time to gently deal with my own abandonment issues. Sheria
Rick says
That’s a good insight your husband provided. He’s basically describing the fear of success which I talked about in the article. He fears that you’ll leave him, cheat on him, etc. He has major trust issues. And this is actually pretty common. But it is the fear of success, he just can’t let go and allow himself to be fully trustful into you. It’s probably just not possible for him. I think the way to handle this would be something like ‘Look I can’t change the way you think about your fears, but you just need to keep them to yourself, I don’t want to hear about it, I don’t want you raging at me, I don’t want you questioning my loyalty anymore, I’m done listening to this. I’m here with you, I’m married to you, I’m committed to you.’
Much stronger than the word love which can trigger things :P
Denise G says
Abandonment fears comes in many ways, what I do is if it’s shaky relationships I nail out before them, which drives controlling people and bipolar nuts, they want the caretaker personalities. I left my bipolar friendship early when saw the signs, he didn’t even get to first base and went intoa rage on phone when he saw I wasn’t going to get involved with him. I’ve known too many bipolar female friends and the males tend be more violent so I was aware. If your too codependant and overly compassionate you’ll end up stuck with your opposite bipolar who doesn’t care or can’t about your feelings cause they are messed up in a lot areas.
Rick says
Yup but this isn’t fear of abandonment – this is you being smart and getting out early. I talk a lot about control and power in relationships, but not in the dominating kind (unless they want to be dominated of course). The power and control is about being in a place where the person you’re dating respects you and the power you have. They know they can’t play these games on you, they can’t manipulate you, they can’t get away with hurting you, etc. It’s control over your own emotions which makes you a pretty powerful person and a great partner in a relationship.
Bill says
They are ‘terrified’ of being abandoned by someone they love/need, as they were as children by a parent/parents, so they will end the relationship before you do (and experience the same pain as they did when they were children).
‘victims and victimization syndrome-very sad (and usually angry-at themselves).
Rick says
Yup exactly. It’s fear, it’s an insecurity and it sucks. This post is really written for those WITH this fear in hopes that I can strengthen them.
Martin says
I think it’s very sad. Reading this article I see now several key problems me and my ex girlfriend shared. I still care for her greatly but I would push her and she would run away. Last month after nearly a year, she said “I’m done”. No… “Let’s talk… or… I care about you and we need to work on things…” Just finished, closed the door and ran!
It’s sad because I really wanted to marry her and still love her very much but I see that my own fear of abandonment and her fear of commitment has left things in shambles!
Rick says
Yeah well that’s why I teach mindsets man. If you let your mind continue to focus on the past, then you’ll struggle to move forward and find yourself a new girl. So just focus on the future and start working everyday starting now to get there :)
Suzy says
Hi Rick. I am grateful for the insight from the article above. I am sure many of us that read your site have or have had abandonment issues but do not know in what ways they manifest themselves. I am co-dependent, and have been working really hard at understanding what it is, how it affects my relationships, and how to fight it…. (With a lot of success especially in 2014).
My greatest challenge was “discovering” that I am co-dependent with self-esteem, abandonment, control, insecurity and a host of other issues. About 2 years ago I went out looking for information on what was wrong with my husband of 8 years because I had given our marriage my all, and he treated me like I did not exist. For 3 years he did not say one word to me except give me half hearted responses to questions I may have asked in a manner likely to suggest I had no business interrupting his very important thoughts with my questions, or conversations. He spent copious amounts of time away from home and the more he did it the more I struggled to make sure the meals were great, (if and when he ate them) the house was sparkling, I looked my best, our son was taken care of etc He is borderline to a T.
I was however so scared of not having a husband that after endless attempts to talk to him email him, send him text messages about how we should work on our relationship, I resigned to sitting and hoping one day he would open his eyes and discover how beautiful and useful to him I was, and we would go back to being a loving happy couple. Needless to say it did not work out. It got so bad that in January of this year I told him I intended to leave the marriage if we were not going to work at improving things within a specific time frame, as usual he ignored me, but this time I took our son and left.
I know I could have tried working out things from within the marriage but I was so far gone that it would have been an uphill task. I needed air, a chance to look at the marriage from the outside, overcome my fear of “not being attached”(abandonment).
The biggest challenge I have to deal with right now is that with a deeper understanding of BPDs, Co-dependents, Narcissists etc, I discovered that ALL of my close relationships with both family and friends are either BPD, Co-dependent or Narcissistic. My mother is alcoholic and BPD, My father is a nice guy who prefers not to ruffle feathers (definately co-dependent) my siblngs and I were raised in the same house and are therefore either BPD or Co-dependent. Their spouses are either BPD, Co-dependent or Narcissistic. My friends, because I am co-dependent are all co-dependent, or BPD. People who are healthy will have healthy friends and spouses because they relate from a place of self assuredness and don’t need to take care of others to feel deserving of their love or friendship. I made an honest assessment of all of my close friendships and it was truly depressing that in all of them I could tell in what way they needed me. The friendships also tend to grow much stronger when my friends are in a crisis because that’s when they need me most( thus wont abandon me because I am useful) At times they don’t even want me to interfere but I am Spiderman and have to come to the rescue ………… It sucks, it really does. I know this path of self discovery was the most difficult, all I set out to do was sort things out with my hubby, and see what it got me. But I am grateful because that one messed up relationship taught me a lot about me and I am now constantly working on myself because I know if I love myself, believe I am worthy, have clear boundaries, believe I need not prove anything to anyone then all my relationships will automatically improve because the most important relationship in my life is my relationship with myself.
MarkG says
Hi Rick,
I was seeing a bi-polar girl for about 4 weeks. She told me straightaway of her condition and I accepted this and decided to educate myself asap. All was going well and she commented on how accepting and understanding I was.
I then wanted to establish one of my personal boundaries which was not putting up with any excessive verbal aggression and raised this with her over the telephone (I had also raised it at the very beginning of our relationship) when she had started to get aggressive over a particular conversation about her work.
She told me she couldn’t continue with the relationship after what I had said about her “temper” as she couldn’t “risk it” and wasn’t ready for a relationship.
I completely respect her decision and offered to meet her face to face, but she declined which again I totally respected. She then feel ill and I was genuinely concerned for her which I mentioned in two texts (the last one she did not reply to), but have now thought it best to leave her be completely and told her this and if she wishes to talk in the future then I would welcome that.
From reading your article this does sound like she ended things due to “fear of abandonment”? Have I done the right thing in terms of her being ok as that is my fundamental concern?
Rick says
This big mistake you made is trying to set a personal boundary over the telephone. You can’t do that. This is weak, it shows no leadership. It’s not fear of abandonment at all. She is just really turned off by you trying to set a boundary over the phone. It’s as if you have to hide behind the phone. Always establish boundaries in person and when you feel the need to. Such as if she raised her voice towards you. So you probably just really turned her off by doing that over the phone. Anyway, you can’t do anything now. Just let her be and if she wants you, she’ll reach out to you.
Fred T. says
Rick,
Thank-you so much for your valued thoughts and opinions on this topic. Even though I have been kicking myself in the head, and as you have put it, trying to be logical about things, not until just now can I see where things really stand. We been separated for 9 months now and I never understood where things went so wrong. I do not think they were. The only answer I received was” the fantasy was over and that it was me who caused it.” Like many others here, she knew of her BPD but chose to hide from it. In fact I know where much of her abandonment issues derive from, mother left her at the age of two, and have first hand knowledge of it as we have known each other since the age of 5 – now 40’s. I wasn’t allowed to talk to her about it because then I was accused of making her feel worthless, which was not my intention. We tried self-help books that really focused on co-dependency but I can see that was just the surface of a bigger problem. I admit that I have co-dependency issues as I was raised in an alcoholic home, was the protector or siblings, etc. She is also a cutter, which is a turn-off to many I have talked too; however, I have suffered through periods of drinking which simply credit my not taking care of my emotional / mental needs in a timely fashion and basically don’t know how to feel anymore or to deal with being overwhelmed. I look at cutting in a similar fashion.
Again, thank-you for you positive insight! I feel as if I can finally breath again.
Rick says
No problem man. No where do I say that these relationships are easy. They’re not. Life is hard, relationships are hard. Anyone that says otherwise is a fool. I know I sound arrogant/cocky at times in these older articles, but I’m working hard on not coming off that way. None of us are perfect by any means :) So don’t feel bad about what happened, just accept it as what it is and hope for the best, pray that your ex finds her peace and gets well. That’s the best attitude you can have as a human being and it will only bring you good fortune in the future.
Manuel Alvarez says
I clearly understando now, and mostrly regret not having found this material earlier. I had a 20 year relationship with one brake up in between. I never understood completely how to deal with her BPD probably because I have my own issues that reflect on how I reacted. That led to fights, arguments and jealousy and I decided that maybe with time and space things would get better. I decided to grow and be a better version of myself.
Turns out she started dating another guy from work early on the brake up (we broke up a year ago) and apparently she is still dating him. We have two beautiful kids and it has been extremely difficult to overcome the emotional roller coaster of seeing her several days a week. I still have romantic feelings for her which I’ve kept to myself and I’ve respected her decisions throughout the breakup without being a doormat.
When I can overcome my own issues, get out of my bubble, I would love to have an opportunity to apply all this valuable information. Get back together as a family with better tools to keep things in a high tone. But I understand she has to reach out.
Thank you.
Rick says
Well you have this fantasy idea in your head which is just a very bad mindset. She’s with a new guy now. It is just very toxic for you to want to have another shot. You need to move on and find another woman or your emotional issues are going to cause problems that may influence the kids. So think about your children here. Moving on and becoming healthy is a benefit for your children so you can be a strong father. You don’t want to pass on this fantasy that you can get an ex back, that’s just poor mindsets to give to your kids.
Mike says
Rick – I appreciate your insights. I was dating a woman with BPD for the past 5 years. Though she is not formally diagnosed our relationship was a perfect reflection of any BPD description. When we started the relationship (after years of being good acquaintances) we both fell hard for one another. She shared that she had always “run” from any man who seemed good for her. She also shared much about her challenging childhood with a mom experiencing mental illness (including BPD) and a revolving door of men in the house (she has acknowledged extreme abandonment fears, poor self-esteem, low self-respect, etc.). I experienced the roller coaster of love/hate over the five years and, despite her verbal and physical assaults on me, stood by her. It was always challenging as she blamed and accused me and never took responsibility for her part in any situation. She would lie about her spending addiction and much more (you might say that is her business, however, she would rely on me to bail her out of financial woes with rent, utilities, food/clothing/holiday presents for her kids, etc. and then go out and buy nonessentials for herself – I estimate I spent more than $30,000 on her in the past few years and she was getting increasingly demanding). We would plan for marriage, then she would cut me off. It got to the point where I never knew where I stood (was I loved or hated? being used?). The hardest issue for me was her relationships (most sexual) with other men that she would try to hide from me and then lie about when I stumbled upon them (e.g., spending the night with my former best friend … first she denied it then acknowledged it but insisted she slept in his spare room; me seeing photos on her computer of a male friend’s lake house taken with her expensive camera and date stamped the week she said she was at an art festival with a female friend — but when I asked about the festival the day after she returned she said she couldn’t remember where the festival was or anything about the festival; having photos of herself and her ex engaged in passionate kisses and cuddling during the time when we were together – all for “art” she said; us planning holidays together to, for five years, have her cancel on me at the last minute and then have her ex over – but always insisting he was not, though photos don’t lie, etc.). All the wonderful parts of our relationship would be ripped away when she went into the “I hate you” cycle. It all ended suddenly a month ago after we had a great morning, she brought up one of the men she “spent time with” and, when I said we should not go there (she kept trying to get me to blindly buy her lie) she went into a rage, assaulted me, left, and spent the night with a guy with whom she had been having sex and had been regularly trying to hide from me. Within two weeks I received a court notice for an order of protection hearing she filed against me. In court, despite being under oath she lied about me repeatedly – characterizing me as someone who I am not. Despite all the lying and cheating and assaults (any one of which would be grounds for ending the relationship) I still love the good parts of her/us and find I am depressed … not only for the loss of her as a romantic partner, but as a dear friend. She is now with the former friend who she insisted she hated, thought was a creeper, is boring, and with whom she insisted she had not communicated for at least two years (though I knew this was a lie). I simply don’t understand why I have such a strong attachment to her after all she has done to me/our relationship. I feel used, angry, sad, frustrated, depressed, etc. Any thoughts?
Rick says
Yes, it’s deeper issues you have. Don’t worry, everyone has issues and they’re unique to all of us, but they all stem from child hood. So it could be a number of reasons. This is why the majority of my training is to help people grow into strong individuals so they don’t feel angry, sad, frustrated, depressed, etc. Just by learning how to heal all those issues makes you fulfilled, happy and peaceful in the mind. I’d recommend getting on my email list for now as I share a lot of stories about myself as I used to be angry and depressed due to poor relationships.
Brian says
Rick you are awesome. I left a comment on another one of your pages but you’ve answered my question with this one. Thanks a lot. ??
Simone says
Hi Rick, For some time I have been almost certain that my ex suffers from BPD and NPD. I have studied BPD for over 2 years to understand it better and to learn how to cope and communicate with him as we still work together. I have learned to sail through my own storm by studying and practicing self-development. More recently I started questioning my own personality and whether I also need to address my own issues but I didn’t have an understanding as to what I was questioning about myself. This article answers this for me. I feel quite scared by it all but relieved at the same time because it is only when we know what is wrong that we can fix it. For so long I have tried to *fix him* and now I know that I need to fix me too. I tend to enter relationships with people who shower me with affection and I love it but that is probably where I’m going wrong? My ex’s gallantry was extreme and after idolising me he dumped me. More recently I was approached in a similar way by someone else for about a month however luckily I saw through it before it went any further. How can I find/attract more realistic relationships? And is there an advisable approach to making my ex realise that he needs to fix himself as well? Thanks.
Rick says
Well, you answered your own question – stop going for people that shower you with affection. I say this all the time and it’s that affection is BS. True love is not affection, it’s not even close.
Mike says
Hey Rick just read through your sight. I just found out about bpd a few days ago . I do believe my ex gf has it. Throughout our relationship she would often get mad at trivial things and give me silent treatment for weeks. It really sucked and hurt. She would just tell me it’s how she deals with things. She was very critical of me, very insecure , and jealous. Would accuse me of looking at other girls when I wasn’t ,even though I reassured her it was her I was in love with. She became angry very quick over trivial things.
Anyway this year was filled with many silent treatments until about a month ago . She accused me of being mad because she didn’t want to have sex. I assured her I wasnt but it was no use. Two weeks of silence until she called and basically dumped me saying I was selfish and immature. Keep in mind two weeks before she professed how much she loved me and appreciated me. We also planned on selling both our homes and buying a home together and I had a ring for the holidays. None of this mattered in our final talk. She said the plans were just plans and didn’t mean anything. She said she wanted to be alone and maybe the future we could be together. I was so hurt and confused but now thing she has many BPD characteristics. The question is now what to do , give her the space? It’s been 3 weeks since we talked.
Rick says
It sounds like you were begging for sex? If your girl isn’t having sex with you at least a few times per week, it means that she isn’t enjoying her sex life with you. And she’ll come up with all sorts of things to distract your mind (such as saying that you’re mad. This got you fired up). But that is ultimately the problem and why she left. A relationship where a woman isn’t enjoying sex is going to be a dead relationship. Sex is much more important for women than it is for guys, especially in this day and age. If the guy isn’t pleasing his wife in bed, then there truly is nothing else that can save the relationship. And being good in bed is only a SMALL part of what makes a relationship successful. But it starts in the bedroom.
Mike says
Rick our sex life was good and passionate. We did it often . She almost always had multiple orgasms. The point I was trying to make is she didn’t believe me that I wasn’t mad. Turned it into an argument and ultimately gave me silent treatment. I never begged for sex.
Rick says
Well if the sex is actually good and you two are doing it well, then don’t get sucked into little petty arguments. I’ve been there and it’s usually because the sex isn’t nearly as good as you believe. Mediocre sex is bad sex. It’s never worth it to have sex just because. It only creates more issues believe it or not.
Ronnie says
Sometimes even great sex isn’t enough for a woman with BPD when we are spiralling or have split and put you in the bad category …
Rick says
Of course not lol, sex is like 20% of the relationship. No amount of good sex can keep a toxic relationship going. It just doesn’t work that way.
se says
Dear Rick
I just read your articles ,last month I went to my consulter and I found out that my boyfriend has BDP ,SHE suggested me to read articles about this disorder ,,,,,aS I read more and more thing are going to be better .in past he used to say bad words to me whenever we had a fight but now i can not see that . he has get better and I DO not know why ?maybe because my behavior has changed ….but some days he just feels that I do not love him for some ridiculous reasons for example giving a like to a photo of my ex boyfriend .and as I EXPLAIN to him that there is no matter and I do not have any relationship with him he thinks that I’M Lying ,,,,we have decided to go to a consulter before cause I COuld not tell him thas he has BDP ,,,so what do u think ?do u think I CAn fix the relationship ? do u think we can have a long term relationship ?cause many things got better but I STILL can see some points and sometimes I THINK it ;s really hard to continue and the only thing that let me stay is hope and love .
Rick says
I think that if he’s going to accuse you of lying, then you tell him that you two can’t be together anymore because you can’t date someone who isn’t going to trust you. Simple as that.
Robert says
Hey Rick, what if I actually did something to trigger her abandonment issues and she ignores me for days and then asks for space? I agreed to the space and she says everything’s fine and (I’m sure it isn’t) and she’ll be in contact, but it’s been nearly 3 weeks and I’ve heard nothing from her. She’s been with her friends and active on social media. Only now do I understand her pov and what I’ve actually done to trigger it. Should I reach out again at all? I was thinking about making a fb post i know she’d see indirectly saying some things regarding our situation. I love her dearly and I’m really not sure what to do and I don’t want to screw up our long term relationship for good. Any advice would be appreciated. I was
Rick says
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but when a girl says she “needs space” it usually is just an excuse to run off and meet other men. What you need to do is get better with women. Improve your skills, change your mentality, that sort of thing.
Casi says
Agreed but did want to suggest that if he did truly learn to be a stronger person with more self-respect from the experience, then he can reach out and thank her for it. People with BPD do care about others, they just get turned off quickly. Those are 2 totally different concepts. She would appreciate the idea that you gained personal growth through it. It’s kind of what was intended, that you’d pick up on it eventually. People with BPD don’t want to stick around and teach self-reliance. We expect you to already have it, and it is a value we hold dear so we can’t just ignore it, that switch was flipped; we are turned off. To be honest, it’s too hard to embrace the meaningfulness of it when it comes from a partner anyways. Adapting to please isn’t growth, it’s fully understanding what you have learned that is.
Rick says
She wouldn’t give a shit if he reached out and thanks her for it, lol. She’s already getting new dick, she’s just be like “no problem! hope you’re doing well!” and continue sucking her new man’s dick. That’s not even a BPD thing, that’s just how humans are — when we move on to someone better, we lose feelings for past lovers. That’s normal.
ros says
Rick met a gal on tinder. Wow. She loved me and we connected. Said I looked like a lion. Second date was at my home. She was impressed. I have a beautiful home. Pulled out the best wines, cheeses, prawns oysters etc you name it. Took her into the forest and we laughed and played like something out of a film. She couldn’t wait for the third date then came over again. Same thing – fed her like a champion – took her swimming in water hole, played massages etc. Like ten hour dates. I was happy as Larry – and told her I liked her and wanted to see her again. She didn’t commit. Disappeared for a while went to visit her mother who abandoned her when she was a child then was suffering b/c her foster parents made contact after some years wanting to see her. She got excited but then they didn’t commit and she felt abandoned again. Said she is going through a ticky time. I haven’t heard from her in over three weeks. She said she would get back when she is ready but I don’t know if she has found someone else or is keeping me there like a tool on the side. I texted a week back saying “yo how are you” but she hasn’t even checked that message. She seduced me than disappeared. Its true I gave away too much but can I get her back. Ive been a mess since she left but am picking up slowly as I was living on a fantasy high – acting like a little goose while I was with her. I’m sure it repelled her. Any thoughts bro. Can I get her back
Rick says
You’re a mess over losing a girl that you only saw a few times? C’mon man… She could smell the desperation all over you. You treated her like a princess when I have warned you guys over and over again not to ever do that. And, it’s Tinder. Guarantee you she has dozens of dates lined up. She’s with a new guy who didn’t wine and dine her, probably didn’t even buy her a drink. Girls like guys like that.
Clare says
Hi Rick
I have recently reconnected wirh a former lover from many years ago although I am still with my husband of many years.
My marriage lacks emotional warmth and there is no sex or physical intimacy. My husband knows I am in contact wirh my ex and says he’s fine with it.
My problem is that I’ve realised I have deep seated abandonement issues connected to my father and a very dysfunctional childhood. My ex also has issues of his own and although he’s been nothing but loving and caring there’s no way our new relationship is going to progress into anything real
I got myself so overwrought and felt so anxious about whether he really cares for me I felt I was going crazy but now I see things more clearly and although I want to continue seeing him something has started to hold me back because I cant see a real future. I can’t leave my marriage due to financial compexities. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions?
Rick says
I would just talk to your husband if he’s interested in having an open relationship. Communication is key here. He may be okay with it, he may not. Either way, your situation is toxic. You’re platonic and that’s not healthy for a marriage. Have you asked him why he won’t sleep with you? Or do you just have zero attraction for him?