While I enjoy writing original content about BPD relationships and how to find success in them, there’s more than enough of these on my site.
This is why I am now using stories that people send me to help you, the reader, better understand BPD relationships.
Having a BPD ex is normal and expected in this day and age. If you’re dating in this current society, it’s highly likely that you’re going to date someone with BPD.
So, these stories that people send me about their experiences are great to learn from.
As you’ll notice below, many people send me stories as a form of therapy. They had a rough time with their BPD ex and simply want to get their thoughts on digital paper.
That’s perfectly fine and I’m always here to help even if you just need to vent. Venting is healthy! I often encourage my clients to physically write down their thoughts and story on paper.
What you’ll also learn from her story and my comments is how she doesn’t realize how she was causing her BPD ex to resent her and ultimately have little to no respect for her.
So, I do my best to bring this person the answers that she seeks and clear up the confusion. My comments are in bold.
And, if what I say really resonates with you, check out my Relationship Academy after you’re done reading. It’s where you’ll find 45+ training podcasts, all of my courses (including my new BPD Success course), and other training articles teaching specific techniques for various situations (like my popular Boyfriend Destroyer technique).
Let’s begin:
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Im not sure what I am looking for, maybe I am just writing to get this off my chest (nothing wrong with venting). I never knew what love was until I met my now ex BPD.
I know what love is with friends and family but not with a lover. At times, being in love with him really scared me, and I did some things to push him away to test the waters.
I take responsibility for my break up as I feel I caused some things, but I also believe in relationships that you work hard at it and you don’t just give up (that’s great to believe, but the reality is that most people aren’t capable of healthy relationships).
I know everyday isn’t perfect but that’s what a relationship is. We never really fought and we got along really well. I would say things fell apart after I lost my job right before Thanksgiving.
My ex broke up with me 30 days ago. He asked for space and he’s more than happy to talk in a few months once we have figured our stuff out (all you can say to that is “Sounds good, take care!” and never text him again until you hear from him).
I feel I have done some dumb girl shit especially when my emotions were high. I never did anything bad I just told him I really loved him and wrote him some emails telling him I care about him and I miss him and I love him. That was extent of it (this is too needy. You only do these sparingly when you’re in a healthy relationship. If you’re doing this stuff after you broke up, that is just uncalled for and gives all your cards away).
I was so upset with him I didn’t act very calm. I was just so heartbroken because it was out of the blue. I never been so heartbroken in my life. My ex was a bit younger than me and we met at work. I wasn’t interested in him or any guys for that matter. I was just starting my career in a new field, and to me he was just a kid.
Anyway, things happened and we ended up dating. He made me feel like a princess and he was just so wonderful. He was kind just like me and he thought of other people. He was sweet, funny, and positive for the most part really calm.
He would get a little jealous here and there but nothing I couldn’t handle. We did so many things together despite our age difference. He was like the old man in the relationship and I was the kid. I felt like we got super close really fast everything was expedited (at the end of the day, age gap matters. Most men like being older than the woman. That’s just the truth).
I lost my job due company resources. This really took huge hit on myself esteem and self-worth. I fell into a depression or more just angry with the world. He was so positive and supportive. He believed in me still even after I lost my job and encouraged me to keep applying. I was so angry with the situation I took it out on him (he probably enjoyed taking care of you. Most men like a negative woman because they see her as a “project” to fix).
I would say things like “maybe I should move”, “I don’t know if I can afford to stay here.” Sometimes I would say that we should break up because of our age difference and where we were in life. This made things hard for us but we pushed through.
One night when I was upset, I told him maybe he shouldn’t be with me. He got up and left and went home. I called him the next day and he told me maybe we need some space to think about things. I said I was sorry and I was just upset. He said he loves me and maybe he always will but we need to take a break and think about what we want to do (you sound like the borderline here. These are things that people with BPD often say. Which continues to prove my theory that everybody is on the BPD spectrum these days.)
He was pretty upset with me and blamed me for not having time to get his blood work done for his medication. This upset me because I been so supportive about his biploar. I told him he needed to go back to the doctors and see if he can get off one of this medication that causes speech problems (alright so BPD is different than Bipolar. It’s important you understand this fact. Try not to confuse the two).
I didn’t like how he blamed me that he didn’t have time to do things because we were together. I told him several times to get up early and take care of it. I always convinced him to hangout with his friends without me and I would suggest for us not to hangout all the time.
He was the one who wanted to be around me all the time. I took care of him, not in competence way just because I cared about him, I loved him, I wanted him to be the best version of himself. I got him on a good diet, we started walking a lot more, he lost 15 pounds with me and his family started to notice. His family and cousin told me they haven’t seen him this happy in a very long time since he got diagnosed (so you’re actually being the hero here trying to “fix” him. As I always say, the Hero gets ZERO).
I agreed to not talk for a whole week and take some time to think about what I want. I wrote him two emails answering his questions he wanted me to think about over the week. They were very personal and I told him how I felt and I don’t like feelings and this was very hard for me to do (you definitely sound like you have some level of BPD here).
We met up a week later. He saw me and bought me water and chocolate and we talked. I could tell that when I saw him he didn’t want to break up. We talked about our communication and things were great. The next day we went to his parents house to meet his brother. His older brother has a big ego and makes the family stress and hard to be around.
My ex was upset with his behavior because they favor him when my ex is actually very respectful and calm compared to his brother. When we left his parents house his mom hands me box of special candy and a book I was interested in reading.
My ex tells me his mom only makes a few of those candies and its big deal that she gave me one. He tells me his mom asked if he loved me and if I was special and he tells her I was so she gives me this tin with candies in it to take home (it doesn’t matter what the family thinks of you. All that matters is what your partner thinks of you. A big mistake is people will try to win over the family in hopes that the ex will want you again. However, most of the time this actually ruins your chances of getting the ex back).
On the way back home to my apartment he tells me how he felt about his brother. I explained to him what I saw. My ex is very sensitive, I don’t know if that’s a bipolar trait or not. I am bit more logical then he is and I tell him it has nothing to do with him. His brother just takes up a lot attention and has high energy and your parents don’t know how to handle him (again you’re trying to be the therapist here. This only makes things worse. A good therapist doesn’t even talk much at all. They let the patient do all the talking).
He starts crying and tells me he never talks about his family like that. I tell him it’s okay and I give him hug and just hold him for a bit. We get back to my apartment and we have a great evening together before I leave the next day for Christmas (little did you know, this bad therapy session of yours actually started his resentment towards you. You don’t realize it, but this is a very common mistake that both men and women make).
He calls me everyday while I am gone. During this time he is interviewing for new jobs. While he is at work I do some research for his new company he is interviewing at. I put together a google doc so he can review that since he doesn’t have a lot of time. I send the doc and email to his mom so she can get some supplies he needs for the interview since he is at work. Later that week he calls me and tells me he got the job and he couldn’t have done it with out me. I ask him how things are with family he says a lot better now that he has new job (you’re getting sucked into this caretaker role which spells doom for the relationship. Sooner or later, he’s going to lose attraction for you because no man wants to date a motherly figure).
I get back a week before New Years. I am sorta pmsing so I wasn’t in the greatest moods but he surprises me at my apartment. We chat and fall asleep. He is pretty busy the next few days, but I tell him he should get some sleep since he is feeling little sick. I have done a lot of research on bipolar esp his meds and I know how important sleep is. I encourage him to get sleep so we can have fun Friday together (more of the same: you telling him what to do and trying to “fix” him. It’s all going to backfire on you suddenly and painfully).
I never had a bf for new years so it was a big deal for me and I was very excited. He is busy the next few days but he calls me and I know he didn’t get to bed very early on both of those nights. He tells me he got up early to drive to a wedding. He tells me he drove really fast all the way up there and all the way back. I get little concerned and tell him to be careful (what most people won’t notice here is that he’s testing you. He’s trying to get under your skin and see how you’ll react to his disobedience. This shows that at a subconscious level he is losing respect for you).
Anyway, Friday rolls around and he again is waiting for me at my apartment. I get home and he tells me I am beautiful and starts grabbing me. He was just all over me. I kept telling him I wanted to shower as it’s been a long day. He just can’t get his hands off me. I agree to be intimate with him so we hop on the good foot do the bad thing, but this time it just kept going and he ended up hurting me. I just lay in my bed and eventually I get up and shower (there’s a lot of subtle clues here about how warped your mentality is. You’re still playing the motherly role as you’re telling him “No boy, I must shower first like an adult.” You see sex as some sort of dark taboo thing. Him hurting you during sex could very likely be from his subconscious disrespect for you that I mentioned above).
He later comes in and says sorry, and I tell him Im sorry too, I just wanted to shower and we can do it after (you’re now apologizing for his rape? This is getting out of control).
I get out of the shower and he’s still all over me and I’m trying to get ready. I finally tell him he needs to watch some porn and do his thing and I’ll get ready in the bathroom. He agrees and everything is good. We both get ready and he doesn’t really want to go out, he wants to stay in with me. He asks me lets just stay here together. I was like its NYE let’s go out I got all dressed up (you’re always overruling him which is further subconsciously causing him to resent you. You are the opposite of the feminine woman that men want to love and support).
We go to my friends house and we have a good time. He thanks me for inviting him. After the count down he wants to leave. I get upset and tell him “why do we have to go home, I don’t want to go home, what are we going to do in my shit-hole apartment.” (it’s clear that you’re hurting from his earlier rape which is obviously understandable. You subconsciously don’t want to be alone with him for good reason. The problem is that you apologized for it and continued to go out with him. He’s really confused at this point).
He’s little upset with me. I say I want to stay here and I wanted him to stay so I could show him off to all my friends. I didn’t mean it like that but I meant I was proud to be with him and I wanted all my friends to meet that most amazing guy I was dating (you might think this on the surface, but deep down you don’t want to be alone with him tonight).
We stay late and we take helium out of balloons and sing A Whole New World together. We finally leave and head home. Its 3:30AM I was drunk and didn’t really know what time it was. We get home and pass out. I think he was upset with me and I was upset with him but we both fall asleep.
I wake up in the morning and reach over and hug him and we get intimate. I later ask if he took his meds and he tells me he did not. We both play on our phones and I joke around with him and we both fall back asleep. When we wake up we shower together and get ready for his house for the weekend (you’re again playing mommy trying to get him to take his meds. At this point he’s extremely annoyed with you).
I can tell he starts getting quiet and just on his phone and isn’t talking as much. I kiss him and tell him I love him and finish getting ready (it’s too late at this point the damage is done).
As we are leaving my apartment I ask him if he wants to be alone today. Sometimes I know he likes to have some time for himself and he had a busy week. He looks at me and says “yes, actually I want to break up.” I ask him if he is joking because he is scaring me. He tells me no he’s unhappy and he just wants to break up (and there it is. I haven’t read ahead and I could see the frustration building inside of him. It was inevitable that all your mothering and bad therapy and telling him what to do all the time would cause him to fully resent you. There’s a word for this called Infantilization. You’re definitely doing this to an extent).
I ask if we can talk about this and he agrees so we talk about it in my room. I asked him what was up and if he’s joking. I tell him were going to go see my parents in two weeks. I just bought our backpacks and plane tickets. He just tells me he’s unhappy and he didn’t have a good time last night and a few things I said the night before bothered him (actually the things you’ve been saying for weeks have been bothering him. He’s just trying to downplay it all. He also didn’t like that you wanted to show him off to your friends instead of spending quality one on one time together. But again, he hurt you so I understand why you wanted to avoid that. It’s just all-around a fucked up situation all too common these days).
((I’m skipping some text from the writer that’s just trying to explain why her ex might be unhappy))
He continues to tell me hes unhappy over and over again and I was like you just told me you loved me 30 min ago and now you want to break up. He tells me he doesn’t love me anymore, he did love me but he doesn’t love me. He just tells me he just wants to go home, and he doesn’t love me.
I was very upset because losing my job and then being dumped was really shitty way to start the new year. I start crying and I see his eyes get teary, he like softly kisses me and leaves. I get more upset and end up taking all of his stuff at my house and toss it on the floor and tell him to take everything and leave. He later deletes me off Facebook and instagram and I feel so sad at this point (social media is for losers so don’t feel sad about that).
The logical side of me is trying to understand what happened or maybe I’m trying to find something to blame. I don’t know if he dumped me because of bipolar or he was just over me or combination of things. I just feel hurt and I feel like I am a fool for liking someone so much and to think they would stick with me through ups and down (he dumped you because you treated him like a child instead of an equal).
I feel ashamed that I fell for someone and cared for someone who was so quick to abandon me just because I was unhappy with my current situation and I was confused and lost. I feel hurt because when he broke up with me, he spit back some things that weren’t very kind, when I have been nothing but good to him (it wasn’t quick at all. This had been brewing inside of him for some time now. You just didn’t see it because you thought that mothering him would make him love you. It has the opposite effect. The hero gets ZERO).
he started making me feel like I was a really bad girlfriend. Like we weren’t good together and it was all my fault why we’re breaking up (he’s right).
I started believing it was my fault and I promised him I would get my shit together for myself and for both us. When I look back I feel like he was a little mean. He just dumped me out of the blue and left me when I actually need someone in really difficult time. I hate that I love him still. I hate that I feel like he’s just over me (tough lesson but my comments should give you the answers you seek. Stop trying to fix people. Don’t be the mother that he never had. It’s not your job to handle his life).
I don’t understand how someone can be in love one minute and not the next. We only have texted a few times, he has left communication open but is just different. The texting is different he acts like nothing happened and treats me like a friend like I was nothing to him. I only texted him a few times about belongs and stuff (so what happened with New Years is that was his final straw. It was his final attempt to be with you. But it was a mess and confirmed in his head that he no longer wants to be with you. He fell out of love with you over a period of several weeks. It only appears ‘out of the blue’ to you because you have no idea the mistakes you were making. Now you know).
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I’ll end it there even though there’s more. She goes on and on about how she’s been doing these past 30 days since the break up. It’s not necessary for the rest of this post.
The main message here is how there’s much more to her BPD ex leaving her than she realized at the time. After reading my comments here, she’ll hopefully understand why he left her.
It wasn’t out of the blue like she thinks. But, she doesn’t know better. It’s why I’m here. It’s my job to clear things up for you and explain what happened.
It’s easy to throw around the BPD label and blame everything on your partner. But after reading this article, I hope you can see how the problem was brewing for quite some time.
It was all because the ex BPD lost more and more respect for her as she continued to mother him day after day. On the surface he might appear to appreciate it.
But deep down he actually resents it. This is why you must never try to fix people. Let them be adults and handle their own lives. It’s not your responsibility to fix the life of your BPD partner.
So as I said earlier, if what I said above resonate with you, then you’ll get a lot more of this inside of my Relationship Academy.
Thanks for reading and I hope you learned something today.
– Rick
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