Let me guess: you’re dating a girl (or guy) who you know is bat shit crazy, and yet at times you start questioning your own insanity.
You start wondering if you’re just as crazy as your partner (or maybe even crazier).
Let me just say that you are not alone in these thoughts, my friend. In fact, anyone who’s been in an emotionally-driven relationship has felt this way before.
Check out this email I recently got from a reader of my unruly blog, followed by my response to him:
“Hey Rick, I am pretty new to your relationship philosophy and system. I have been reading all the standard NPD/BPD stuff for a while, but your take on it really blew my mind, and what you had to say about it really resonated with me.
I have been reading through your lessons in the Overcoming Codependency course as I realized that is exactly what I am. I am doing what I can to absorb the online info, process it, and apply it; however, considering that I am attempting to rewrite decades of codependent programming, it is a lot to take in.
I guess my question for now is how do you behave in a way that makes them chase you and work to earn your love and respect instead of the other way around?”
RICK: Welcome to the mind melt, my friend :)
Most people realize after going through any of my courses, or just reading several of my articles on my website, that they have some sort of Codependency issue going on.
The reason why a lot of my stuff blows people’s minds as you put it is because nearly all of the articles you find on other websites and in the mainstream industry are actually written by codependent men and women.
Codependency is so vast and common these days that most people don’t even realize that they’ve got it.
It’s mainstream, believe it or not. It’s why our society is so regressive and backwards.
So naturally, the content they produce and the “advice columns” they write are written from a codependent point-of-view.
Like you, I also grew up as a codependent. That’s how I was raised in my nice, conservative family.
It wasn’t until after several of my failed relationships that I realized how codependent I was.
That’s when I went to work to fix my issues.
The question you have for me is basically what it means to not be a codependent. And to take this even deeper, the more codependent you become, the more crazy you’ll start to feel when it comes to relationships.
You see, codependents believe that they need to work for the love and respect from their partner.
This is why guys pretend to be “nice” and sensitive (they really aren’t nice, they just do it because they think it’s what will make the girl like him).
And yet as you do more and more of these “nice” things, your girlfriend becomes more crazy as the relationship continues.
Or if you’re a woman, it’s why you let your man sit there and disrespect you, yet you continue to stick with him because you think you can “change him.”
But that’s okay.
The solution to many of your relationship problems is to deal with your codependency.
When you learn to not be codependent, you learn what it means to respect yourself.
Why do you think Borderline’s often end up in relationships with a codependent?
#1 is because they know that a codependent will always take the Borderline back, no matter what. They know you’re a pushover and will let them abuse you.
#2 is because BPD is also a form of codependency. You attract what you project, after all.
You’re not alone, believe me. I’ve been there many times feeling like I might be the crazy one and not my partner.
But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter who’s crazy. If you follow my system, you’ll find this to be the truth as the craziness lessens over time.
I truly feel that when you dig deep and deal with your codependent nature, your relationships can improve by leaps and bounds.
Yes, even if you’re dating a borderline girl. Especially if you’re dating someone with BPD. My methods work even better in these relationships since that’s my background.
When You’re Not Learning, You’re Losing
If you’re a regular reader of this blog and the emails I send out on a daily basis, then you know how I regularly talk about PRINCIPLES being more important than “techniques” and “tactics.”
And let’s be real– there’s nothing as stupid as believing that some relationship “tactic” will make your girlfriend love you again…
So here’s the principle I want to pass on to you today:
When you’re not focused on learning and bettering yourself, you’re working against yourself.
In other words, you’re losing.
There’s a lot of noise out there designed to sidetrack you and make your dating & relationship life MORE complicated. This is just how the Information Age is.
When you’re getting pounded with ridiculous Buzzfeed articles and silly posts from girls on Facebook 24/7, you’re bound to end up with a confused and flawed mindset.
I discovered years ago that the solution to a happy, successful relationship is really quite simple:
Be physically, emotionally, and spiritually attractive.
It’s really a simple concept that isn’t new, and as long as you keep your head on straight and focus on these 3 things, your relationships will fix themselves.
But keep in mind…
Just because it’s SIMPLE doesn’t mean it’s easy…
Because we live in a society that’s all about instant gratification, people HATE doing anything that isn’t easy.
Well guess what cupcake?
Nothing worth having comes easy. Nothing.
All of those honeymoon relationships you’ve been in?
I bet those started out easy, that your guy or girl came to you with virtually no effort on your part (I’ve been there, believe me).
Sure enough, the relationship turns to crap.
So I want you to KNOW that life only rewards those who dedicate their lives to constant achievement. Once you accept and understand this as fact, you’ll come to enjoy my style of teaching.
You’ll nod your head YES to my philosophy because you’ve seen how it works in the real world.
And, this is the ONLY way to make your relationships great again. There are no “tactics” or “sneaky tricks” that will get your girl to love you again.
No amount of techniques or advice can improve your relationship if you don’t understand the PRINCIPLES behind them.
I’ve always taught with principles over techniques because simply reading up on technique without knowing the philosophy behind it always leads to failure.
Let’s use fitness and working out as an example (physical attractiveness is one of the three parts of my system):
It’s one thing to look up workout routines on the internet. Anyone can do that and there are millions of routines that work.
However, in order to make them actually work, you have to understand the principles, the science, behind body composition.
You can’t simply go into the gym and do a routine to get results. You’ll be disappointed like so many are…
So if you want to fix your relationship?
Start with understanding the philosophy behind the madness.
Understand the mindsets you need to have.
Understand the core principles that great relationships are built upon.
When you understand these things, your communication will naturally be effective and your partner will love you for it.
THAT is how you build a strong relationship, no matter what sort of issues your partner may have.
Do You Continue To Reward Bad Behavior?
From my experience in coaching over the years, rewarding your partner for his or her bad behavior has remained as one of the most common issues I see over and over again (like 99.9%).
There are dozens of other bad habits and issues people have, but rewarding bad behavior is definitely the most common.
A reader, Kris, sent me a question after going through the free “Death Sentence” guide I give out to people who join my email newsletter.
My words follow below.
Great read, thank you. Brief and to the point which is what I needed and I think you hit the nail on the head.
It’s actually kind of funny because I never realized I reward bad behavior all the time, when I should know better because I am a child behavioral therapist. I really couldn’t figure this out on my own? Lol, well luckily I came across your blog and newsletter.
Anyways, I just had one question. You lost me at the very end when you were referring to indifferent behavior? What exactly do you mean by that? I want to apply it to my current situation along with the rest of your advice.
Thanks in advance!”
Times change. People change. Society changes. Circumstances change. Don’t be surprised that you don’t know this stuff, even if you’re a professional.
The world changes and with that, relationships and dating and the psychology behind it changes as well.
That’s why I am extremely interactive with these daily emails, as well as answering questions in my Relationship Academy community.
So what you’re realizing is perfectly normal. And it’s the fact that knowledge never stops. Learning is continuous.
When you graduate from college, you go through a commencement ceremony.
Many people think that graduation is the end of learning as you can finally get a job and “settle down.”
But the very word commencement means to commence — to start. To move forward. To lift off.
It literally means that your new life is just beginning. You’re going into the real world and everything you learned is peanuts compared to what’s out there.
Unfortunately, most people never commence. They remain in their bubble. They get a job, they stick to their college liberal beliefs that are removed from reality, they think in black and white.
So I’m glad you’re learning something new. That’s what life is all about.
The day you stop learning is the day you start deteriorating.
That’s why I love what I do. It forces me to constantly learn and stay ahead of everybody else (which isn’t very hard these days with how regressive our society has become).
Any craft that you put time into every single day, you will improve immensely after several months. It’s simple math.
Now let’s talk about indifference.
Indifference is actually the enemy of love – not hate.
Love is passion, love is purpose, love is internal, love is growth, and so on.
Indifference is none of that. It lacks emotion. And us humans are emotional beings.
If your partner doesn’t feel any sort of emotions towards you, then that’s indifference.
It’s not hate because hate (and anger, jealousy, rage, envy) are very strong emotions and the cousin of Love.
Knowing this, if you feel like your partner hates you, you’re actually not in that bad of a spot, believe it or not.
However, if your partner simply went No Contact on you, disappeared and you never saw that person again, this is true pain — the pain of loss.
Simply put, if you’re indifferent towards someone, you literally just have no care in the world for that person.
The thought of this person doesn’t even cross your mind.
Truly, nothing hurts more than someone treating you with indifference, aka the silent treatment that never ends.
This is why you often hear of No Contact being a useful “tactic.”
However, hardly anybody understands the PRINCIPE behind going No Contact and thus get it wrong. They use it as a tactic and it always backfires on them.
Focusing on tactics and techniques to improve your relationship will never yield a good result.
In fact, it will usually have the opposite effect and push your partner further away.
This is why I’m big on teaching you the principles, the correct mindsetsand the Foundational Pillars of what makes relationships healthy and long-lasting.
This is why I created the Relationship Academy. You’ll learn my system and the principles behind it. When you know the principles, the tactics work.
And if you’re not on my free email newsletter, hop on that as well.