A common question I receive from readers and clients alike is if their most recent girlfriend has BPD. And because I believe that most women in general have Borderline-like traits, the easy answer is YES, lol.
But simply saying YES goes against everything I teach because I do *not* like to generalize and label people. Doing so is lazy and takes the responsibility off of your shoulders. So don’t do it!
Women who have BPD are still unique in their own ways. You need to start focusing on the *behaviors* instead of the actual BPD label. You’ll see how I do this below with my comments.
My comments are added in italics and blue as I go through the email.
Let’s get started…
“Hey Rick, I’m emailing you to find out straight answers and to see if I’m the one to blame for my situation. I was in a relationship with a borderline, and at the time I didn’t think much about it cause I knew nothing about BPD. But anyways everything was fine for awhile. However, I will admit that I kept dumping her and wanting her back. Now I know it seems childish but in reality I did love her very much.
I think it is extremely childish of you to do be leaving her over and over again. I’m surprised that you’re claiming her to be a BPD. But let’s continue because there’s more to the story.
I did it because I couldn’t trust what she said to me when she claims she only wanted to be with me forever. She said that she will never leave me, or I was the one and how lucky she felt to be with me.
And you repay her by dumping her repeatedly, not trusting her, and yet still taking her back. It’s experiences like these that make women have BPD tendencies…
So I believed her and took her word for it. But I had my doubts as she had been dating her fiance for 3 years. I felt that she still had feelings for him and so I couldn’t trust her.
Ok now things are starting to make sense – she just got out of a relationship with a guy she had been engaged to. Yes, she’s going to have feelings for him for some time, but that doesn’t mean she wants him over you. If you sign up for this situation, you can’t be insecure about petty things like that.
For all this time, she has told me that she doesn’t love him anymore, that he didn’t treat her right, etc.
Learn to read between the lines. This is girl code for ‘my ex is an asshole but he turns me on’.
By then things got worse. I knew she was still talking to him, but she claims they are just friends and she still wanted to be there for him as a friend.
Well yea, she still gets turned on by him. My exes still contact me, as recent as 2 days ago. She can’t tell you that though. And now you don’t trust her. But that’s because you keep taking her words literally. You got to learn to not listen to women literally and basically not be affected by it. Or else you’re doomed.
Within the fifth month of our relationship, it just went to shit. The most confusing shitty painful break up ever. She just told me an excuse along the lines of ‘I can’t be with you because I can’t give you the time you deserve.’
Sounds like a typical break up excuse, BPD or not. At least she didn’t just stop talking to you or start seeing somebody else without telling you. Or maybe she was…
So on she went on vacation and started acting weird saying everything will be OK, but when she got back it was worse. I barely heard from her and could never get her to talk. She was just rude about everything.
Yea she probably went on vacation with a dude, or at least hooked up with a dude or three or on her vacation. At this point, she isn’t interested in you. Always remember that actions speak louder than words. She’s going on vacation. She’s hard to get a hold of. She’s being a bitch. Need I say more?
Then one night I called her. She’s saying I need psychological help and how she is gonna go cuddle with this guy as we were on the phone. And trust me I was hurt. She couldn’t even tell me if we were broken up. It was very confusing.
Ok – let me be the first to tell you – you two are broken up! Why do you need her to tell you? This is the problem with most guys – they depend on the girl to lead them. Bad form! She completely owns your balls. You need to man up and get your balls back.
I didn’t hear from her for two weeks so I messaged her on Facebook telling her how I was feeling and telling her how I was a rebound, and how she used me.
Incorrect. She did not use you. Sure, maybe you were a rebound. That happens and trust me, we’ve all been there. It hurts, but you have to learn to let go and move on.
She responded back saying that I am wrong about everything.
Because you are. She didn’t use you. You were exactly what she wanted at the time – somebody to fool around with for awhile. It turns out that she didn’t want a relationship with you. That is part of life. Real men learn to suck it up and move on to new women.
I begged her not to leave me and to give me another chance. She said no and that she gave me enough. Like I said in the beginning, I was the one that was breaking up with her because I doubted us.
Begging a girl to be with you is a sure way to make sure that she never comes back to you. Of course she said no – she probably had enough of you leaving her. So I still don’t see how she’s a borderline from all this…
She then said I do love you but loving someone means letting that person go. I was heartbroken and didn’t know what to do. I went to see her in person hoping I can save the relationship.
She’s now being nice so that you’ll leave her alone. She has met someone new that she wants to be with. It happens. And she’s right – you need to let her go. Oh but you went to see her in person. See, now you’re chasing her. And that will never work. Like I said before, she’s not a BPD. She’s just a woman that is no longer interested in you. It happens. Move on.
Anyway, I saw her one last time and she made it seem like she was the smart one because I always told her how smart she was. She was always blaming me for everything. I will admit that I cried in front of her. It was devastating to understand everything. She left cause I kept doubting us and lying.
Yes, she left because you couldn’t trust her. To a girl, that’s lying because you say you want them, that you trust them, etc. but then you leave them. They don’t like that. And you’re now devastated because she’s telling you it’s too late and that you pissed her off enough. Hey bro, at least she isn’t leaving you out of the blue like a real BPD would.
As I’m sitting there trying to talk to her, she tells me it’s my fault for leading her on in the relationship. I find out she still was talking to her ex-boyfriend. I started thinking .what the hell makes no sense’.
It makes perfect sense. She was dating him for 3 years. Of course she’s going to remain in contact for some time. You can’t let that affect you. And yes, you were leading her on. You kept breaking up with her… You really need to shatter this ego of yours.
Three days later I messaged her telling her how she manipulated me and used me. Five minutes later, I get phone calls from her saying that I’m stupid and a waste of time. It broke my heart when she said on the phone to talk to her boyfriend. All I hear from him is him telling me that I need to fuck off cause my ex said so.
Good lessons to learn here. She is over you completely, yet you have no control over your emotions. You simply want to feel something, even if it’s heart break. So you send her a message to get a response and you got what you deserved. Do you see how you’re still so attached to her? You’re absolutely dependent on her! This is called codependency. And her boyfriend is probably tired of you giving his girlfriend crap. So it makes sense that he told you to fuck off.
Of course I was pissed and heartbroken but for some reason I forgive and forgot.
No, you didn’t forgive or forget like you claim. You are protecting this ego of yours. You can’t accept the fact that this girl did this to you when the reality is that this happens all the time. Unfortunately, you had it coming. But hey, live and learn man. Instead of getting all sad and depressed over this, use it as a learning experience of what not to do next time.
After everything she did I still wanted her and I don’t know why.
Because you’re dependent on her. You have no control over your emotions. You’re weak. You need to get control of yourself and stop depending on women to make you feel. Yes, feel.
We didn’t talk after that incident but I kept thinking about her and him and what I did wrong. It kept replaying in my head everything she said and did I thought that person was still there. Finally in June we talked again. She told me how the plan was to never to fall in love with me and that she just wanted to have fun, and that her and her boyfriend never officially broke up. They were on a break.
Ah see? Just as I predicted above. She still had feelings for her bf. The last thing she wanted was to jump into another relationship. She just wanted to fuck. You need to accept the fact that this happens all the time. And then you add the fact that you’ve been pretty dramatic and emotional, it makes perfect sense that she didn’t want anything more with you.
It pissed me off to hear all that, but I took it because in reality I’m too nice of a person.
Lol, what else would you have done? Yelled at her more? Typical guy with a typical ego complex. For all guys reading this, understand that your ego is probably what’s messing up your relationships.
Alright guys I am simply going to end it there. There is literally another 2000 words of this guy going on and on about his situation, but I think I have made my point several times.
For 1 – this girl doesn’t seem to be showing any BPD traits. This sounds like a typical girl that just got out of a serious relationship. Guys do the same shit. The last thing on your mind is dating a new person. You just want to have some fun, mess around, get laid and leave it at that. Nothing serious. I’ve been there multiple times and it’s actually a good place to be.
2 – this guy has an enormous ego problem as most guys with women issues do. You some how think you’re worthy of these girls and that it blows your mind that she would leave you. But then I step in and show how you’re being a lil’ bitch and it makes perfect sense that she’s leaving you.
The solution to all of these issues is really simple – get your shit together.
That means getting control over your own emotions, understanding yourself and what you want, understanding how women view relationships and understanding what BPD really is. Don’t go throwing around the BPD label on an ex just because she left you. All it does is feed your ego.
If you haven’t yet, read about the new BPD Relationship Blueprint. Yes, it’s geared toward BPD relationships, but you’ll learn more about yourself and relationships in general. I see it as required reading for human kind.
– Rick Reynolds
I came across your site and I’m grabbing my balls to send you my story, lol. See, I have always heard about bi-polar and borderline disorder. However, I never experienced it until now I think. I’ve always been a decent guy, honest, “doing the little things”, and integrity. So, I have had a fair share of bad relationships with the wrong people, however, the relationship I just got out of I have NEVER felt like this. I haven’t had contact with her in about a month according to her I ended it, but she was the one who hungup and said she was” completely done”. I made a promise to myself if she ever played a game like that with me again that I was done for good and I followed through with it. I just feel like I did something wrong though or it’s all my fault, plus she’s a therapist so that has made it worse on me.
Honeymoon phase and then I’m living in hell.
*Now I’m by no means perfect I made a few mistakes and said the wrong things a few times, however, I always took responsibility and made a sincere apology.
1. She wanted total honesty from me about my past and relationships. In the beginning I was okay with this, I normally don’t like talking about my past (I don’t really care about someone’s past either). But, I’m very honest, so I told her and apparently she was shocked. I have had around 25 sexual partners and slept with a couple of girls I am friends with. I would/have never cheated on anyone. So, I answered these questions thinking nothing of it, but I was wrong. Everyday I had something thrown back in my face and she wanted to know when “friends” contacted me. I was judged from what I told her and this happened a lot.
2. She has abandonment issues very badly and if I even attempted to walk out after a fight it would get worse. However, if she wanted me to leave on her terms it was fine. If we got into an argument I was constantly defending myself or I couldn’t even tell her how I felt, since she would get offended. One time I didn’t even want to look at her and she grabbed my face and said “look at me when I’m talking to you”. One other time I tried walking away and she stood in front and I couldn’t move her (she’s like 100lbs).
3. I was never trustworthy and I was constantly lying apparently. For example I remembered how she was going crazy trying to find some candy. So, I found them online and bought her two bags as a nice gesture for no reason. Well, apparently since I told her I was going to give her only one bag and decided to give her two. It caused a huge argument and I was told that I was a liar and why did I go back on my word. Stuff like this happened all the time.
4. She would pick fights or say I hurt her feelings from facial expressions. One example she said she paid 750 a month for pilates, so I had a shocked look on my face apparently I killed her puppy. I was told I was insensitive, uncaring, unsupportive, and many other things.
5. Sex had to be constant and if I wasn’t in the mood or didn’t feel well it caused so many problems. She even made comments about how having sex in bed was routine and boring. But, she would say it in a way that would put me down and the funny thing is…she NEVER initialized sex, hug, kiss, or any type of physical contact. I had to do everything.
6. I would go out of my way to do things for her without her asking and not expect anything in return. She lived in the city and didn’t have a car, so I would pick groceries up for her, pick up things she needed, install an AC for her, and walk her dog, etc. Again, it’s not like I was expecting a blowjob or her to get on her knees and thank me. What I wasn’t expecting was comments like these: “That doesn’t show you care about me, since you’re a nice person you can do that for a neighbor, elderly person, etc…” Needless to say I went off on her, because I don’t do things like that for anyone, because it takes time away from my life, which I don’t have much of.
7. She made a comment about how “I have a good relationship with my mom, brother, and sister.” Maybe, that is all I could handle and don’t have a room for a relationship. I would get asked a question and I would answer it, however, it wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. So, she would ask me the same question again, but change it slightly to see if I answered it differently.
8. I was constantly told I’m a blameful person, I make her feel stupid, and several other things. Example, I went to Wal-Mart picked up some things and sent her a text asking if she needed anything. She asked if I could get her a copy of “InStyle” magazine, so I looked around and they didn’t have it. I shit you not all I wrote back was this: “They didn’t have the magazine, sorry.” I get a paragraph back and phone calls about I’m making her feel stupid and she wouldn’t ask me to get something if she knew they didn’t have it, however, it was like spitting venom at me.
9. I was given constant tests with questions or during an argument she could never admit she was wrong. She swore up and down that she wrote something and I told her that she was mistaken. I finally got tired of arguing with her, so I pulled out my phone and said “Look! This is what you wrote” I got called an asshole and told to leave if I was going to be like that.
10. For her birthday I bought her a Blu-Ray player and she seemed to love it. But, again there was always something negative to say…her statement was this: “It doesn’t really show any thought, since you could have got that for anyone.” This offended me greatly, but I just kept my mouth shut, since I didn’t want to bring it up. I did this a lot, since I just didn’t want to argue with her over stupid shit.
I was always told how unreliable, untrustworthy, unavailable, and just basically how bad I was. I kept most of how I felt to myself, because the few times I tried talking to her it just went to shit. So, I started seeing a therapist and she wanted to know EVERYTHING we talked about. I told her a few things or just enough I felt comfortable with. She even started Googling my therapist and saying bad things about him, but I blew it off.
The reason why I’m feeling all weird or like I was wrong is because I know I have my own issues. I sympathize well with people, but it’s hard to empathize with them and I think that’s cause of stuff I have been through on my own. However, I treat people with respect, trust until I don’t need to (I don’t feel it’s worth the time to worry – she always questioned my thought process on this), and I always try to keep my word along with doing the right thing. Again, I made a few mistakes with her, however, I know I can’t be this terrible person she said I was.
So, this leads to what caused our breakup.
She was sick for about a week and couldn’t work. So, I offered to stay home one day with her, so she wouldn’t be alone (she gave me an attitude) saying “what you think I can just take off.” She claims now she was worried about me taking a day off, but those weren’t the words that came out of her mouth. I drove home 45 minutes to let my dogs out, drove back 45 minutes to spend time with her, and then spent the day with her. I dropped her off at one of her pilates classes and before she gets out “she says, I want details about what you and your therapist talk about”. I looked at her and said “okay”. I get home around 10PM and give her a call up. Having a normal conversation with her and then she says “Is this why you called? I want to know what you and your therapist discussed.” I told her “Nothing different you already know the most of it. Working on my communication skills, a couple of past relationships, and growing up.” She starts yelling at me “You said you’d give me details, I shouldn’t have to pry it out of you, I won’t put up with it, and goodbye and good night.” Then hungup, so I called back once and she said “Goodbye and good night” and hungup. She the texted me saying “I’m done completely”. So, I wrote back “fine, whatever.” By this time I had enough and I turned my phone off for two days basically and had to work late.
I started getting hate e-mails about I’m a terrible person, I never cared about her, I broke her heart, and I decided to end our relationship by being dishonest. I got tired of reading all this BS, because mainly for the fact also not once did she apologize for hanging up and being rude. I even pointed out her behavior and still I was being blamed for everything. I finally sent her an e-mail just saying this is how you hurt me and probably other people, pointing out she was very hypocritical, and nothing ever satisfied her. I also threw in there the main thing I talked to my therapist about was communicating with you, since I never could, because everything I said/did hurt your feelings. I probably shouldn’t have sent it, but I just got tired of it and then she never wrote back, except to dictate when/where to drop her things off. A few days later she initiated contact about her things and then proceeded to say stuff like “you know I’m not strong enough to handle comments like that, thanks for breaking my heart, you’re crazy, have a comprehension problem, etc…”
Needless to say her friend ended up coming to my house and picking her things up in my driveway.
I looked up the BPD symptoms and she had 5/6 maybe more of them.
Again, I feel really bad about the way it ended in general, because I really did/do care about her.
Damn man that’s a shitty situation to be in. Nowadays, I really don’t pay attention to BPD or not. My belief is that if you have the right attitude and play your cards right, BPD won’t be an issue. It’s good to be knowledgeable about it of course, but there’s a right way to approach these relationships and millions of wrong ways. Most people go the wrong route.