Got a question from a reader that I felt is really important to talk about.
He wanted to know what the difference is between Codependency and compromising to better the relationship.
Very simple, but great question.
If you’re new to this topic of codependency, I can see why compromising in a relationship may be a confusing topic.
Codependency can sound very similar to compromising. But, as you begin to understand more and more about codependency, you soon realize how it’s much worse than compromising.
As I often say, it’s all about your mentality. The mindsets you carry headed into a relationship will determine how good or bad it is.
Codependency leads to toxicity.
The codependent mindset is often responsible for women becoming attached to those charming, sociopath men.
For men, codependency often leads you to wanting to save and protect the damsel in distress. These types of women often have BPD.
As a result, having a codependent mindset is responsible for millions of broken hearts and failed relationships.
Overcoming codependency is usually the very first step I recommend for those who are new to my work.
So, when you’re searching the internet about how to compromise in a relationship, I always talk about codependency because I want to make sure you understand what it is.
I want you to realize that we all have some sort of goodness in us where we want the best for our partner (unless you’re a sociopath).
The problem is that you may actually be too good. You’re such a good person that you end up becoming a doormat for your partner. This is why codependency is painful.
You may think you’re doing all these good things because you’re compromising, but I can assure you it’s a mistake.
So then, what’s truly the difference between the two?
Are you supposed to have a “healthy” level of codependency?
It really all boils down to this simple concept:
Compromising for your partner is totally fine as long as you’re not sacrificing your own self-respect in the process.
Once you start compromising at the cost of your self-respect, the relationship will begin it’s downward track where only you end up being the hurt one.
Self-respect is the most important trait in a relationship. It’s what keeps your partner attracted to you for the long-term.
When you respect yourself, your partner respects YOU.
This means that they will be attracted to you.
When your partner is attracted to you, they’re not going to treat you like crap. They won’t leave you or cheat on you.
Codependents sacrifice their self-respect in order to make their partner “happy.”
But, the issue is that happiness doesn’t come from all these favors you’re doing. This is a flawed mentality that you probably learned when you were young.
The reality is that you’re actually making the relationship worse by lowering the level of respect your partner has for you.
And that’s the difference between compromise and codependency.
It’s subtle, but it’s a very important difference that you need to be aware of.
Codependency is truly a sad ‘sickness’ because it affects good people. You want the best for your partner and the relationship.
It’s unfortunate that we live in a society where people are punished for being good. But, that’s just how it is these days.
These days, the most important thing you can do for the health of your relationship is to make sure you feel worthy. You need to feel that you add value to other’s lives.
You do this by developing self-respect. Start taking care of yourself before you go out of your way for your significant other.
If you’re single, don’t be so desperate to get into a relationship. Take things slow. Let feelings develop over time.
In my Overcoming Codependency course, you’ll learn everything there is to know about codependency, and how to fix this problem so you can have better relationships.
That’s really what it’s all about at the end of the day: fixing issues and replacing bad habits with good ones.
When you respect yourself, your partner will no longer push you around and treat you like a doormat. Walking on eggshells failing in your relationship will no longer be your norm.
It’s really a change in your overall attitude and approach towards life. This attitude commands respect from your partner, which is exactly what he or she wants.
Onto the next topic…
Stumbling Your Way To Better, Healthier Relationships
One of the big problems that men and women have when using the internet is the availability of information.
When you’re using the internet to find information, it can become addicting. There are some evil people out there who will promise you results instantly!
These people are snakes. All they care about is your money.
They’ll tell you that you can get your ex back right away if you just buy their book or coaching.
That is an absolute false, ridiculous statement.
Luckily, I feel like my readers are a lot smarter than this.
I always talk about how consistency is really the key to any sort of success. It doesn’t matter what you set your sights on.
If you want to accomplish anything in life, it’s going to take some sort of consistent action on your part.
And, you’re most definitely going to stumble along the way.
This is perfectly fine.
One of my favorite quotes from the show Mr. Robot is when the main character is sitting with this guy who explains how life really works.
He says that life isn’t about getting complete control over yourself.
It’s not about picking yourself up when you fall.
Life is about stumbling forward. That’s how real progress is made.
I agree with this completely.
The greatest leaders in life are those who have suffered. Who have been beaten up along the way. Who have failed over and over and over again.
It’s those who have stumbled to get to where they are.
This is why people who become leaders without much suffering and stumbling always end up being horrible leaders.
They didn’t have enough experience to help them make good decisions. It’s that simple.
Thus, I see relationships in the same way.
You can’t just expect instant results when you buy a book or course or whatever.
There has got to be some stumbling along the way. You need to mess up and make mistakes so you can learn from it.
This is why going through a crazy BPD relationship can often be one of the best things for you in the long-run.
Sure, it might have been incredibly painful at the time and you’ll suffer, but this experience can build you into an incredible human-being.
The hardest part will be stumbling forward.
You may have a lot of anger and resentment inside of you. It’s okay, but you need to let yourself heal and stumble forward — not backwards.
Don’t bring that pain into another relationship. It’s not fair to you or the new person you’re dating.
Most people who follow my work understand the importance of consistency.
You can’t just read a book, set it down and go on with your life (I mean you can, but then you’re like everybody else who got no value out of it).
You got to commit to consistency. That means instead of reading 100 books one time, you read 10 books ten times.
That’s how you build solid mindsets.
One of the best mindsets to build for yourself, and it takes time, is one of independence.
Most people who struggle in relationships suffer from codependency, which causes you to become needy and emotionally dependent on your partner.
This causes your partner to push you away, give you the cold shoulder, want distance, etc.
Then, this makes you feel even worse due to the distance.
It’s a terrible affliction, but it makes perfect sense.
Even I push away women who become too needy and clingy. I simply can’t help it. It’s really unattractive to me because I’m an independent man who likes his space.
The sooner you can develop the independent mindset, the sooner you’ll be on your way to stumble toward success.
Stumble forward, not backward. It’s the key to living a healthy, rewarding life.
If you like this lesson and want more, I can send you a free guide straight to your email address. Just click this link and tell me where to send it.
Thanks for reading!