Got a good story from a member today about his girlfriend who continues to talk to her ex boyfriend. I’m glad he reached out to me because this is a common situation.
He wants to know why she’s so “difficult” and hard to understand.
Is it because of her upbringing? Because of her sexual past?
Or is she a raging Borderline that can’t be tamed? Read on and you’ll learn why this man is struggling to date this woman.
(my comments are in bold).
I know you don’t do personal analysis of people’s personal issues they send to you however I do have a question (actually, I do personal analysis from time to time because I can use it to help reader’s of this blog and my email newsletter)
My present girlfriend, who I dumped once already because I thought she was cheating, is considered an affection dependent disorder person (dependency for short. She’s on the cluster B spectrum in your opinion. But is that actually true? Let’s dive deeper and see.)
Turns out she wasn’t cheating. She was pregnant and worried about my reaction (understandably so. Women will test you in various ways, forever. Considering that she’s pregnant, expect her emotions to be all over the place.)
Her whole life she’s gone from one man to the next. Slept (unsafe) with people in between relationships (I don’t see anything wrong with this. Women want sex just as much as men. If you spend time judging a woman for her past, you’ll continue to drive women away. Now we’re starting to understand your issue…)
Her last relationship her ex boyfriend was a massive codependent man which made her cheat on him with her other ex who is a narcissist womanizer (multiple issues here: 95% of guys are codependent these days. Dependency causes you to be needy which drives women away. They find it very unattractive. It’s only natural for her to run back to her ex who is obviously way more masculine than the dependent guy.
Another issue is your mindset about the ex being a “narcissist womanizer.” I can see you’re deeply jealous about this guy. Women naturally want men who have options. Is he really a narcissist? Doubtful. He’s probably just an alpha male who doesn’t have strong feelings for her. That’s perfectly fine. It’s not the man’s job to lock down a woman.)
She finds someone like me who, before reading your stuff, was also slightly codependent (slightly?) until I just gave up and said, “fuck this shit I’m too far in life to get hooked up on her.” (Judging by the size of this email, you’re definitely hooked on her. No point in denying it.)
Plus, I’ve always been positive and well planned in life both financially and work.
She told me she was attached to me because I didn’t even try sleeping with her for 2 months and that my confidence levels are abnormally high compared to most (that was a test lol. What she’s really saying is that she’s losing interest in you because you haven’t made a move. Women like sex, remember? If you fail to make a move by the 3rd date, she’s going to assume you’re a pussy.)
After I broke up with her (you never had sex, you weren’t in a relationship. There’s nothing to “break up”) and realized because I know too much of her past ( used to work same company and I know lots of people she fucked and went out with), my insecurity was at an all time high (your insecurity was always high because you’re so worried about her past which isn’t any of your business. It’s pretty obvious why her attraction for you plummeted.)
After we got back together, I started to not give a shit anymore about trying to understand or try to see if she is cheating on me (you mean you are pretending to not give a shit. She knows you still care. Women can read everything about men before they open their mouths.)
I just don’t care as long as I don’t catch her (that’s actually the only thing you can really do. The problem with codependent men is that they are too controlling. That is what pushes the woman away.)
I somehow have confidence that she won’t fuck around since I’ve already kicked her out. I know she’s definitely a dependent because she CAN’T be alone. She came back to me (probably true. And, you have to be confident that she won’t cheat. It does you no good to sit around and worry about it day after day.)
Her history plays out as a classic dependent/BPD: two kids with two different fathers. Mother is identical living by herself in the same apartment complex with 3 marriages/divorced/miserable clinging to her daughter for company (doesn’t prove anything. Everybody has issues. You are making excuses for her behavior but it’s actually been your insecurities that pushed her away in the past.)
Her father is perfectly normal with a normal family/friends. Every time she goes to see him (rarely) she leaves depressed saying stuff like, “why do I push everyone I love out of my life?” (you don’t know how this guy is in a relationship. He might be needy and insecure like most men which pushes women away.)
I just answer, “no clue it’s like you don’t want anyone to love you.” (this is a simple test you failed due to your codependent thinking. The right answer is yelling “What is love!!! Baby don’t hurt me!! Don’t hurt me! No more,” all while doing the Will Ferrell head bump.)
Then she will say, “I need to work on that and push away the things that haunt me.” (what she’s really saying is “you failed that test and I’m going to keep pushing away guys who don’t understand women.)
My best guess is she was very sexually open, a bit too much like an escort, and today she lives in guilt (this has nothing to do with it. The only “guilt” she might have is that she isn’t with her ex who actually understands communication. Like most women, she’s sad that all the men she dates don’t know shit about women. It’s a depressing reality.)
She’s 29, a bombshell, gorgeous and yet she’s with a 41 year old, a home owner, VP of a company who knows where he is going and she’s lost (she’s not lost. She’s just upset that you have all these great things going for you, but you don’t understand women. She WANTS you to understand which is why she still has you around. She is hoping that you’ll eventually figure it out.)
I love her and all but am I heading into a wall with this one. I’ve pulled back on the affection and taking care of her mentality and pretty much decided to keep hammering into life to make me better for me (what you don’t realize is that putting yourself first is exactly what she wants. That makes you a “narcissist” like her ex. But, it’s not really narcissism at all. It’s just you being a man.)
Since then it seems she’s… more interested? (of course she is. You’re finally focused on yourself instead of her. That’s what women want and it’s what I’ve been teaching for years. Women want to be with a man who’s purpose-driven. When you lose purpose, you become dependent on your woman.)
Especially when I said goodbye to her, she is even more intense with the I love you/miss you texts. I just don’t really play the game much anymore (there’s no need to play games. Keep putting yourself first and stop failing her tests. You’ll stop failing when you stop caring so much.)
I did fail a big test though last weekend. Now that I joined your Relationship Academy, I know it was a test but at the time I was clueless (you learn through failure.)
She showed me that her ex boyfriend texted her (the narcissist womanizer) and I got mad (that’s because you know he’s an alpha male who understands how to get this girl hot and wet. That causes you to fear losing her. You are still scared she’ll run back to him. And, she will if you continue to get insecure and fail her tests.)
What I should of said was, “yeah it’s not really my business. I dont really care who’s texting you hun. If you find value in talking to him, then enjoy.” But I only realize this now (exactly. That’s the best way to respond. I would have said, “Cool, I hope he’s doing well.”)
Long story short: what do I do with this girl? Just keep being me and she can follow if she wants? Thanks!
Bottom Line About Girlfriend’s Talking To Ex Boyfriends
Like I pointed out at the beginning of the article, it’s quite common to be dating a woman who continues to talk to her ex.
Some girls think that she and the ex boyfriend can “become good friends” after the break up.
However, this just shows the silliness of women (bless their hearts). The truth is that as long as your girlfriend continues to give her ex boyfriend attention, that’s attention that she isn’t giving you.
With that said, if it truly does bother you then you care too much. And that’s an issue that I could write an entire book on.
Either way, you can’t let her actions get to you. If she’s talking to her ex boyfriend and it pisses you off, don’t show it. She’ll just think you’re insecure.
On the other hand, she could be talking to the ex to get a reaction out of YOU. I see girls do this shit all the time.
I still believe that the best thing you can do is not let it affect you. Only low-quality women try to be “friends” with their ex boyfriends. It’s a really silly thing to do.
Life is about moving forward and making new relationships. To continue to talk to an ex shows that the girl is afraid of moving on with her life. And that’s not good. She’s going to be a hassle of a girlfriend for as long as you’re with her.
Ultimately, you want to find a woman who moves on from the ex boyfriends of her past. She should want nothing to do with them.
In some situations, the ex boyfriend will always be around (kids, ownership, bills, etc.). But, these should be simple, cordial relationships.
If you want access to my coaching that will get your relationship back on track, then sign up for the Relationship Academy right here: