Dating A Girl With BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

dating a girl with bpd

I am here to tell you that dating a girl with BPD doesn’t have to be the way you think it is.

BPD is a Cluster B personality disorder that is rather common among attractive women.

According to a quick Google search, Borderline Personality Disorder is “characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior.”

I have dated dozens and dozens of women over the years. I can confidently say that you’ll find these characteristics in most women, lol.

A powerful set of relationships mindsets are the answer for dating women with BPD.

I am a mindset coach. I teach men and women to how to have better relationships through mindset training.

If a change in your mentality improves your BPD relationship, would you want that?

For example, labeling someone as BPD is a bad mindset. Why? Because you’ll find reasons to excuse bad behavior in the name of BPD.

“Oh, she has BPD. No wonder she cheated on me. I should take her back and we can work on it.”

It’s a horrible mindset to excuse behavior based on a label. Not only are you enabling her, but you are also making her a worse person!

How can anyone improve themselves when those closest to them excuse shitty behavior?

Unfortunately, this is the society we live in. Relationships are at an all-time toxic level due to poor mindsets.

Therefore, it’s important to reject the mainstream programming you receive from society.

I highly suggest you pick up the free “BPD Cheat Sheet” using the link below.

Before we continue, I highly suggest you pick up the free “BPD Cheat Sheet” using the link below.

Click here and I’ll send you my “BPD Cheat Sheet” for free

It’s my free gift to you and will give you a good introduction into my relationship philosophy.

You’ll learn the philosophy behind my training. Make 2018 the year that you improve your BPD relationships!

Dating a Girl With BPD Starts With Better Mindsets

The word ‘BPD’ has so many negative words associated with it. I’m sure you’ve seen these thrown all over the web. All you have to do is take a quick visit to any community forum and you’ll see associated words such as:

  • manipulating
  • lying
  • cheating
  • rage
  • unable to love
  • hot/cold
  • anxiety
  • attachment disorder
  • fears of abandonment

And so on and so forth.

BPD is complex issue, much too large for a label. You’ll find these issues in almost everybody these days. If you’re unaware of BPD, you’ll assume you have a “crazy” girlfriend.

It isn’t until you do your research that you learn about BPD. Since human’s are lazy, it’s easy to apply the label to your girl.

“Oh wow, she fits all these descriptions. She must have BPD. That’s it!”

Doing this is a poor way to go about your life. It’s a terrible mindset to walk about throwing labels on people. It doesn’t help the situation that you’re in!

Thus, stop focusing on generalities. Focus on both yourself and your partner on an individual level.

You need to keep in mind that your girlfriend has her own unique upbringing and life experiences.

Accept her as she is. If you can’t do this, then the relationship will never improve. You’ll always be seeking a fantasy that never comes to fruition.

This is the struggle of the codependent man. What he currently receives from his partner isn’t enough. He wants more time, attention and love.

Center Yourself. Pass Her Tests. Be a Man

Yes, you and your girlfriend should be a team. You two should grow and prosper together.

However, because women are like cats, she will come and go as she pleases. You cannot force a woman to do anything. You cannot control her.

This is especially true in BPD relationships. If you want your girl to respect you, start by setting her free. Respect and trust are the foundations of any healthy relationship.

Most people with poor mindsets become needy and insecure when a woman pulls away. But, experienced men know the push/pull cycle works in your favor.

To understand women is to understand how they communicate on an emotional level.

Women are looking for security & comfort in a man. This is what a centered man with great mindsets brings to the table.

Due to past experiences with men, women (especially borderlines) will pull away. She is doing this to test you (even if she doesn’t realize it).

One of my favorite quotes is this: “A woman gives you shit to make sure you are the shit.”

How will you react? Will her behavior expose your insecurities? Will it throw you off your center? Failing her tests will lower her respect for you.

So, all women test. Borderlines will test you even harder. A week without hearing from her is a common test. She will play hard to get. She wants to expose your weaknesses.

Inexperienced men jump right into the Honeymoon Period. Experienced men know it’s a trap. She could be on the rebound and using you as an escape.

Once she’s had her fun with you, she will move on. She knows she has you in the palm of her hand. This means you cannot provide her with security.

Men who understand women know to never let a woman have this power. This is the art of successful relationships. Very few men understand this.

Most men gladly give up this power due to poor mindsets. They fail all the important tests and then wonder why she left!

Hence the importance of mindset training. You need the right mentality to pass these tests and give her healthy relationship vibes.

This is how she categorizes you from “just another typical man” to “I’ve never met anyone like him!” after a couple of months.

Click here to learn more about my “Better BPD Relationships” course that teaches you all the right mindsets.

A Letter From a Woman with BPD

I got an email from a woman with BPD. Read it and notice the many lessons within:


“Hello Rick!

I am a woman with BPD. I have struggled with relationships. But I would like to point out that I am not (neither are other people with this disorder) hopeless to date.

I have been in a relationship with a man for over a year now. I finally have found someone with the maturity to understand my mental disorder (which I am still working on overcoming).

He does not let me walk all over him.

We give each other space – and I do not control him nor does he control me.

Let me tell you that it does make a difference on how the man reacts to her actions.

My man isn’t a push over. When I cross the line, my man clearly points it out. He makes me realize that I cannot treat him like shit over and over again or he will leave me.

And, I do believe if I keep crossing that line, he is strong enough to treat himself how he deserves and leave me.

He is a loving, strong, ‘alpha male’, who is actually mature enough to take advice from sites and books like these and put them into use.

We may be labeled as ‘troubled’ or ‘crazy’ but that does not at all mean we can’t have healthy relationships.

Just like Rick said, it takes an understanding. You have to mentally see what they see, read between the lines.

You have to be mature enough to learn about it and want to do your part to make the relationship work. How you react to a woman with BPD has a huge affect on the relationship working or not.

It does take an understanding from the person with BPD also to want to change. I may have a disorder, but it does not control my life.

And I would like you to know it is NOT impossible to date us. It is POSSIBLE that you are very judgmental and not understanding what the disorder is. You may be clueless on how you can help make the relationship work.

If you truly do care, then you will want to understand. So, I suggest you do some research and get some advice from someone like Rick next time you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has BPD” – Carrie


Relationships With BPD Women Can Work

Let that email be an inspiration for you. She gave you many hints of the mindsets you need to make a BPD relationship work.

Men date Borderlines because women with BPD are usually attractive. Inexperienced men jump through all the hoops because they are desperate for her.

I used to be that inexperienced, codependent man. We all want to fall in love with a beautiful women. But real, actual love and compatibility is impossible without strong, independent mindsets.

Now I’m not going to sit here and say that you’re 100% responsible for your relationship not working. That would be foolish. However, understand that you are 100% responsible for yourself.

Whether you want to believe it or not, there are plenty of healthy BPD relationships. But, you never hear about them because they’re too busy enjoying themselves.

You only read negative stories on the internet. This is because people turn to internet forums when they’re struggling. They are seeking others on the same boat.

For the inexperienced man, BPD relationships are complicated. But, the reality is that you’ll encounter complications in all relationships.

The man who fails with BPD women sets himself up for failure. How so? Because you can avoid 90% of the problems you experience. Hence why experience is important.

My goal with this website and my training is to teach you from my experience.

Stop Blaming Your BPD Girlfriend

Immature, inexperienced men will blame their BPD girlfriend for everything. Instead of looking within, it’s easy to place blame on others.

Our society promotes this train of thought. It’s the rich white man’s fault! The republicans did it! The liberals are have brainwashed everyone! CNN is fake news! My parents fucked up! Baby boomers ruined our country!

The attitude you see all around you is to point fingers and blame others. This is why you see so many problems in the world today.

We are safer and healthier than any other time in history. Yet all studies show that relationships and social skills are at an all-time low. Why?

Because 97% of men lack mental and emotional control. Instead of the man having control over his mind, the mind controls him!

Most men have poor self-esteem. This leads to a lack of confidence. This leads to fear. Fear leads to desperation. A desperate man is an easily controlled man.

This is why a healthy, fulfilling relationship is a rare sight. Most relationships are toxic as fuck. You only see the “good” side on social media.

This is why the BPD label doesn’t matter at the end of the day. You only have control over your life. Understanding this fact is all you need to be successful.

Therefore, I focus on teaching the mindsets that are best for BPD relationships. I have over ten years of experience dating highly emotional women.

Click here to check out the “Better BPD Relationships” course.

Lack Of Emotional Control Scares Women Away

The whole entire point of changing your mindsets is this:

Poor mindsets lead to a lack of mental and emotional control.

This causes you to be weak. A borderline woman needs a man who is strong. She wants to feel your strength. This is why she pulls away believe it or not.

When she pulls away, she wants to see how you’ll react. This is true even if she doesn’t know it on a subconscious level.

ALL women live in the moment. You could be an amazing boyfriend for 10 years. But, this week she doesn’t have those same feelings for whatever reason.

Guess what? There’s nothing you can do to change her mind. She’s gonna be a woman and do her thing. You got to be a man and let her go.

This is why you need strong, powerful mindsets. You’ll find yourself chasing her and guilt-tripping her if you don’t. This will push her away even further.

Men with experience know to never chase a woman. They might pursue in the beginning, but then the woman takes over once she’s in love.

The honeymoon period isn’t real love. It’s raw emotions. It’s a form of attachment disorder. True love comes from those who are able to detach!

Most individuals who struggle with BPD relationships have a form of attachment disorder. Not surprisingly, this is most men! Lol.

I hope you can see why you’re drawn to the honeymoon period. It feeds those attachment issues you have. You love the feeling of being close and affectionate. You love intimacy.

That’s great and all, but guess what? You’ll never find love with an attachment mindset. It’s classified as a disorder for a reason!

The sooner you work on your attachment disorder, the sooner you’ll be well on your way to true love. Do you want to know what true love is?

Here’s the secret: it’s freedom.

You often hear about the borderline’s fear of abandonment. But, your very act of wanting to be with her everyday is enabling her. She smells your weakness and leaves.

This is why men who fail in BPD relationships are often the cause of her pain. These men are enablers. They are making her worse by being weak.

It’s crucial that you develop strong, powerful mindsets. It is the only true way to show love to a borderline.

Better BPD Relationships Are Possible

Most guys (and girls) have trouble dealing with Borderlines in their relationships. Thanks to the crazy society we live in, this is a monumental task.

But, most people struggle with relationships in general these days. It’s very rare to see a man successfuly date a quality woman. It doesn’t happen that often anymore.

We live in the age of toxic relationships. One girl I was dating had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship a few months before.

She told me how it was an extremely toxic relationship. She’s a smart and beautiful girl. So why the hell did she stay with a douchebag for 5 years?

Women can’t answer this question. They don’t know why. It is something that just happens.

It took a few months of seeing this woman casually for her to open up to me emotionally. This is normal since most women are jaded.

Most guys don’t understand this and they screw things up. The relationship is toxic from the beginning.

That is why I created the Better BPD Relationships course. It will teach you the strong mindsets you need in order to have successful relationships.

Click here to learn more about Better BPD Relationships

Most guys are making crucial errors that push the girl away even further. You think you’re doing the right thing, but it always blows up in your face.

My mission with this website is to help you avoid the land mines. I want you to make it through the minefield unscathed.

You’ll soon learn why it doesn’t really matter if your girl has BPD or not. The same, poor mindsets will ruin all relationships.

Fix your mindsets and I guarantee you’ll see improvement in your relationship.


  1. danielle says:

    hi Rick,
    i have to say, although you already know, that there is nothing else like this anywhere, your knowledge and insight are amazing, and you have suprised me. i am a 30 year old female currently persuing a diagnosis of bpd. alot of what you say is like you are reading my mind/life story so what i fail to understand is, why exactly would you put yourself through a relationship with one of us ‘crazy’types when it would be so much more easier to leave the relationship while you still can?! do you find that women with bpd are different from other women in any positive ways? is there anything you could recommend to person identifying the need to stop being so vile :) help me help myself!!!lol i dont know what to do…i realy want to be nice and to have someone be nice to me, but i dont know where to start.
    sorry for getting carried away…im passionate arnt i? excuse the bad spelling and punctuation.

    • You just have got to make sure the men you date are strong figures, that they’re independent, that they have goals and such that are bigger than you. That’s what I would do. I commend you for seeking help. Women that have BPD and seek help for it have my full respect and are capable of great improvement.

    • Ben H says:

      1 of 100 MEN is NOT true. I think these two women let their hatred towards men cloud their consept of reality.

      I know myself, and none of those “traits” apply to me, and I have like minded friends too. So I would rather use one word; feminist.

      And that Rich agrees, I find a little disturbing. Else, love your articles and the way you make bpd, dating etc a positive thing :)

      • which is why I said FOR HER. 99 out of 100 men wouldn’t be good for her thus backing up what I said :)

  2. The Borderline Lover says:

    Hi Rick,

    Thank you for this great article. I live with my BPD girlfriend (that I diagnosed all by myself, with no education or training that would qualify to make such a diagnosis…) and I am having some trouble.

    I have learned to manage all her problems except for one: her constant search for the perfect guy. Like any borderline, she used to think I was perfect. She thought this of every guy she has dated. She has left every guy she has ever dated for someone else. Unfortunately, I was this someone else and I didn’t know it. James Bond isn’t real, but she is looking for him anyway. How do I compete with this fiction in her head? Every time she meets a guy who is even slightly attractive/funny/smart, she thinks long and hard about whether she would date him, and whether she should leave me for him. Most of the guys she has these crushes on aren’t interested in her. Probably because she is too clingy and it turns them off (or maybe because they are decent men who don’t want to fool around with someone who has a boyfriend). Either way, she genuinely gets upset when she gets rejected by one of these men, and she gets really happy when a guy is interested in her or gives a compliment (even if he is a coworker buttering her up so she can do him a favor, she can’t tell).

    Her ex-boyfriend acted like he was James Bond, and she left him anyway. She sometimes cries and misses him, usually when we get into a fight. I am struggling with her wishing she could go back to him, or else hoping to find someone who doesn’t find anything wrong with her (i.e. a guy who barely knows her). She doesn’t have these thoughts when I am doing everything to make her happy. Do I really have to be on my best behavior all the time or risk losing her? Any tips are appreciated.

    • Ok first of all if you move in with someone that has BPD prematurely, you’re just setting yourself up for a bad situation. And this is true for all relationships. If she’s feeding your ego and telling you that you’re perfect, you only have yourself to blame if you let these words influence you. If you have your ego in check, then you’ll tell her ‘hey nobodies perfect so don’t tell me I’m perfect anymore.’ So for me, I’m just very genuine and real. I’m very independent. I’m not desperate for a relationship, I’m definitely not trying to move in or get some sort of commitment. If the girl wants to commit and lock me down, that’s fine. But I’m still going to remain independent and do my own thing. And this is really key for all relationship health, not just BPD relationships.

      • I am having a tough situation here, similar with the one above. We have been together for a year. On the surface, people think that we are a pair of sweet couple, we are sweet most of the time, but just a sentence and make her feeling upside down, or a noise, just like dropping my wallet, putting the cup onto the table. I wanna explain to her, and she reject and said she is the poorest person in the world who need to suffer like that, I am crazy and shout her like a dog ….. She sometimes says I put her in a cage and she need to go out and feel the world. On the other day, she said I dun find her after work. She values me very much to her friends, they told me, but at the same time keep saying I am not suitable for her. If I say I am hurt, she said she made me feel like that so she must be not loving me anymore and I should go, and then after an hour she hug me and said she just dun wanna me leaving her.
        I dunno if she really have BPD, just a friend of her, who is a doctor, told me the other day I might need to check this out. But I simply feel like she is easy to be triggered to the point that is not even making sense at all.
        To be honest, I am a human being, she need me to be perfect, strong, dun have fear, and I cannot even cry!
        I am also not a very strong person. I am strong at work, but I am weak in heart. My anxiety disorder is coming back. She didn’t know that. I am like constantly battle with myself.

        • Sorry to hear about your anxiety my friend. I would recommend you spend your time working on this part of you so you can have a strong heart. You will NOT find a strong heart through your partner. You can only find this through your own self.

      • As someone with BPD, I agree that I’m not looking for someone who is trying to act like Prince Charming. It feels like you’re treating me as something breakable and “OMG I have to be SO careful.” I would rather be treated as an actual person. Also, being patronizing isn’t a good idea either. All I want is SUPPORT on my journey towards recovery. Meaning having the person do their research (from good resources that don’t make us look like monsters and steers clear from stigma) and applying it. Also, please learn to recognize the signs because many people think “okay, they’re just a bit more sad than the average person” and completely dismiss the situation. Support doesn’t look like “just stay positive” because we are trying. Support is reminding us to take our medicine (if we take any), keep our appointments, ACTUALLY LISTENING to us without judgement or giving advice, but most importantly also validating our feelings.
        But many people, as I mentioned before, think that means “rescue me.” Um, no. It just means “please understand my situation.” Put yourself in our shoes.
        I want someone to show me what it’s like to live not someone who is constantly pitying me.

        On another note…I don’t know if you know this but amongst the BPD community we’re trying to get people to stop referring us as “the BPD” or “a BPD” and instead have them call us “a person with BPD.” It has to do with the whole thing about seeing us as an individual instead of lumping us with our disorder as one.

        I do hope that your program doesn’t encourage emotional abuse or abuse in general…I know I have personally been abused by people “setting boundaries” and “demanding respect” in such a way that I was terrified of the person and worsened my BPD.

        Oh, one more thing. Not ALL people with BPD come from abusive families. I know many people whose mental illness is triggered later in their life and they could have had a good upbringing. It’s just that the person has to be, I suppose, “likely to develop” the disorder and then put into a situation where it’s triggered. Mental illness does not discriminate and can get anyone even if nothing has ever happened to you as a kid. That’s the scary part. Psychologists themselves don’t know where half the disorders they treat come from. And it’s also not a “mommy” issue. I have more issues with my dad and a friend of mine is surrounded mostly by men.
        That’s about it. But I like this blog and will recommend it if I ever find someone who is dating one of us. Definitely. :)

        • Great comment and thanks. I think if you look around all my recent articles and information, you’ll see that I don’t like the BPD term either and that I tell everybody to focus on the individual. We’re definitely on the same page. Time to start sending everyone here instead of bpdfamily :)

  3. I have had an on and off relationship with a girl I diagnosed with BPD. She flew off the handle over some stupid shit last year around this time and we didn’t talk for 6 months. She dragged me back in and this time I started out with a totally different mindset and it worked for a while. She slowly started to pull away and I didn’t understand.
    We just slowed things down and then we found out she was pregnant. It was the “need you, miss you, love you” all over again. I moved in shortly after we found out we were expecting to save on expenses. I did everything to make her life easy while she was pregnant. We told everyone and my family was thrilled!! She was very hormonal and we started to fight once I lived there. She did the pulling away thing and hated to be touched which started to damage the once amazing sex life. The last fight she told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore and said she wanted to have an abortion. I begged her not to got my things and moved out hoping it would give her the space she needed.
    Two days later she called me to tell me she had the procedure done. I’m destroyed by this, couldn’t believe it!! Now that its all said and done she feels horrible that she dragged everyone in my family into this mess. She now thinks that we can help each other through this pain that she has caused. I am emotionally and physically a wreck now. What should I do?!?

    • Yeah this is why I just don’t recommend getting married and moving in until you’re absolutely 100% sure. You really have to be incredibly independent to date these women. But again, understand that you can’t generalize BPD. You can’t just go around labeling them all as the same. It really depends on each individual person. But I have found over and over again that the more independent you are, the more self-confident you become. And when you have this confidence and feelings of self-worth, you have much more control over yourself. This makes the relationship drastically more successful.

  4. Hi Rick, as you say everything match up with my bpd, she is pretty damm hot and crazy and promiscous, bad childhood, Family separated and so on, i ve been dating 3 years with her, being the guy that listened and trasmited calm…but now i see when i made my mistakes, its been 2 years now we separated, i started to feel like a big turnover in my self being…felt like i was detaching from an painful hillness, it took me months to balance, but still to this day i have a small feeling i must solve that is hanger and anxiety transmited thru all the 3 years together Now we stay together 1 and half months in beteween college holidays, but when school starts, i leave her… it as to be becouse is too draining, i must improvo on thet… we are both in our 33, and since i ve done my first year in Grad of Economics, working in aviation, gym, net projects and not giving her attention, she started to see that i ve goals better then hers, so she comes for good moments(sex), but that is not my long term thinking, i must lay down the law… now i understand why!! i ve downloaded your book and confirms what i ve been thinking, bpd womem are receptor of man power…if you are weak your doomed, even with 1.88 and 95 klg, its the cahracter that matters, STRONG cahracter… I ll read your book times and time again because i now its the way i ve been doing and results are showing up… but thats nottt eassyyyy…. Greetings Rick , Thanks

    • Hey John, that is the key. I’m not being bias when I say that my BPD Success course is the best resource on the planet about how to effectively have a relationship with a BPD. And I update it every year. This course should be consumed regularly as it will help you understand what’s going on and unlearn you of the bad habits you may be doing.

  5. pravin says:

    i am staying in india44 yr old guy. i had a 7 yr relationship with bpd girl .she belongs to poor joint family. in which no one take care of her. i took care of her. i am the person who stayed 7 yrs in her life.she is always unsecured . emotional ,some times crying some times fighting.she dont like critisicm .always her mood changes.six month before she left me because of my financial condition and my families negative attitude. but as soon as i started good job ,she has contact me. she tried to make relationship with me again but because of her new relationship i keep distance.last year she wants to marry with me but she want permision from my and her family as per indian tradition. i love her i cant forgot her and i want to treat her .she always worried about me.but now situation is she is not contacting me per her mood she contact me.

  6. ladyborderline says:

    Hey Rick,
    I must say I’m pretty surprised someone has so much respect and understanding for women with BPD. In your articles I can almost read “woman with BPD are so much more fun to be with” (or is it just my narcissism?) :) I myself am diagnosed as BPD AND bipolar, I’m going to therapy for four years now and I seem to be going pretty well if one considers my previous state.
    I’m up to answering any questions men can have about how we really feel and what’s really going on inside, as I’ve been treated and learning about myself for years.
    I truly believe people need to understand that being diagnosed with BPD and/or bipolar disorder means fighting myself, all day, every day. I don’t just go around and hurt people, I learn, struggle, fight my own feelings, try to overcome my own pain, and although being borderline or bipolar may seem fun, one eventually get’s tired of eternal rollercoaster.
    I currently have some really bad episode, and I would appreciate if you could email me and just talk to me about that, as I’m trying very hard not to hurt my boyfriend (we’re together for 9 months, and he knows about my condition), but I seem to be doing that unintentionally for last couple of days.
    Thanks in advance!

    • rebecca masters says:

      ive not long found out ive got bpd. i’m really finding it hard coping most the time. i feel really guilty for the way i treat my boyfriend. as i read through everything it scares me that i might not love him when i thought i did. i have drama therapy at the minute but then my local nhs mental health team dont want to help me in any way they just keep telling me to go gp but then gp dont do anything either. im really scared of losing him and just want to treat him right.
      any help? thanks beki

    • Keith says:

      I’m married but separated from a BPD. I was her first in high school. We went our separate ways and reconnected after 25 years. She attempted suicide about 6 months ago. Her third attempt. A month ago, she got angry with me and threw a full beer bottle….hit me on the cheek, giving me two black eyes for 3 weeks. She also slapped and hit my 20 year old son who witnessed that bottle throwing. I made her move out shortly after. We are in our 40’s. Highly successful in our professional careers, etc. I have been willing to try to work things out. Its the push/pull thing from her end. I ask her requently, “do you want to stay married or divorce?”. Her answer is always “I don’t know what I want”. What is she trying to tell me?
      Thanks. K.

      • This is much bigger than BPD and it’s important to realize this. As I often say, you must be objective and look at the actual, specific behaviors that are occurring in your relationship. What’s occurred? Well, physical abuse. RED FLAG. I don’t care how “amazing” you might think this person is, if they’re PHYSICALLY harming you, it’s time to let this person go and put yourself first.

    • the keen novice says:

      Hi Lady borderline,
      The girl I was dating doesn’t throw a tantrum
      , just constantly working, super ambitious and is a perfectionist. She also goes quiet for days on me. She calmly told me how her relationships never last more than three months and how some poor bloke went suicidal after she dumped him.
      My resaerch on her led me to BPD and Narcissism. How can I help her and is there a way of getting her to warm up to me again?

  7. hurtashell says:

    I cant believe this disease. WTF? My exgf slapped me threatened me with cops because I found her celexa meds by accident. One day she is sweet as can be and then attacks me with verbal disrespect, wanting sex and and then denying me sex and then wanting it again. She broke up with me every week and wouldnt talk to me for days and then come back acting like it was all my fault. I am heart broken because we were friends first and she never acted this way. Do BPd people have a problem only with intimacy or do they do this to everyone. The last straw for me was that she always put everyone she knew down calling them the most vile crap I ever heard. Then she acts like their friend. I couldnt take it and told her I was ending it. She actually said she is confused why I wanted to walk away. i told her I couldnt take her abuse and I never heard from her again. I miss the good in her but I dont understand the craziness. Why wont she talk to me. She came back everytime, but when I showed her I wasnt taking this she left?

    Also one last question…she told me she cares about me and wanted me back but her problem is that she has deep issues and I am triggering issues within her. I never did anything other than be a good guy/friend never talked relationships ect. She basically told me the sex we were having was too much for her because I could do anything I wanted to her and she would want me..she said that she is not in control and doesnt like it. What does this mean. What did I trigger?

    • This is much more than just BPD you’re dealing with here, you’re dealing with a combination of illnesses and the pills she’s on never help long-term. I am completely against medication to calm illness because all it does is cover up a deeper problem. Anyway, for your situation you just got to keep doing what you’re doing. Set boundaries and let her know that you’re not going to date her as long as she’s negative and mean-spirited. Tell her that there’s plenty of insecure, lonely guys that will sit around and put up with it.

  8. Michael says:


    How about if she is more negative on herself than anything? My ex is making headway back into my life but oh man she is more depressed & down on herself than ever. She also gets pissy I’ve changed into a better person. Saying anything positive in response to her bashing herself (or her life) just produces more negative. So now I either respond then tell her to drop it, or I don’t respond at all. I’m extremely good at turning her bad mood around but sometimes she’s so immersed in her mood there is no getting through. Any advice on at least toning this crap down?

    • It’s actually very common for a negative person to have bad behavior when you’re bettering yourself. This isn’t even a BPD issue – this is just someone who is insecure with themselves bringing out their negativity onto you because you keep getting better. One of my exes did exactly this to me as I kept improving: getting my own car, then my own place, then a great job, etc. and she got more and more negative. I didn’t know what I know now though so the relationship failed.

      What you need to do is step up. Instead of trying to be positive and make her feel better (remember you can’t change people, you can only inspire and hope that behavior changes based on your actions), just speak truth and be like ‘Girl look if you’re going sit in this negative cloud, I’m gonna head home. I can’t stand negativity. I hate it. I hate how you’re hard on yourself. I absolutely cannot stand it. I can’t help you if you can’t help yourself.’ BOOM. Drop the bombs on her man. Girls want straight truth. Most guys instead try to fix them and be positive and make them feel better. Don’t do that. She’ll love and appreciate the true honesty.

  9. Sileas says:

    Hey. I found your article incredibly helpful, realistic and eye opening. I really think your points, if kept in consideration, will really help me out in my dating life.

    I’m a female with BPD. I’ve had a lot of trouble dating and I think you’re right that I haven’t found someone who is on my mental level yet. It has nothing to do with intelligence at all. It’s all about mental compatibility.

    And patience!!!

    Thanks:) Let me know if you ever need a case study.

    • Thank you! I would love a case study :)

      Exactly, dating a BPD is all about 1) changing your mindsets. 2) realizing that you cannot control your partner. 3) work on becoming independent. 4) develop your self-respect, self-worth, self-love.

      It’s rare to find a genuine, independent man these days. They are the only kind of men that end up in healthy relationships. And the programming that’s found all over society isn’t helping either. We just live in a crazy world now and it’s important we don’t lose focus on ourselves.

  10. I also found your article really great. I was dating girl with BPD and after 5 month we broke up (because I caught her cheating on me). Since that time I broke up any contact with her and moved on by taking care of my own needs and wishes.
    After 4 months of no contact she tries to get back in my life (sending sms or writing). First thing what I said very clearly was – I will not play your games and I need my space, my time, my life! Now she contacts me once in two weeks and try to win my trust back.
    I´m not sure if there will be anything, but I feel myself good – because can be myself and don´t give other to control my life!

    • Either they’re bored and lost their current fling, or they realize how awesome you are. Either way, don’t accept them back with open arms. Make them work for it and prove they’re worth your time. And even then, be incredibly cautious about getting close.

      Also, be sure to join my email newsletter if you like the advice and tips that I provide. I write often and provide even more gold almost everyday straight to your inbox.

  11. Judith says:

    Its quite refreshing to see this. I recently read a few other blogs and so forth about dating people with BPD and was deeply hurt to see that most people had deemed them undatable and have demonized them. I suffer with BPD and am currently trying my best to recover by seeking professional help. I was contemplating on whether to end my life or not based on the previous web pages I saw -bashing people with BPD and claiming they are undatable. Of course that stung me and quite deeply. I can imagine it’d be the same for anyone suffering with BPD.

    It was through the break-up of my first boyfriend that had started the process. I had tried to end my life 2-3 three times last year due to missing my ex and the fact that my life flipped upside down. I felt lost. Sometimes, I forgot and woke up shocked to see that I wasn’t with him. Anyways, my Doctor got me into Cognitive Therapy. I had looked back on my previously relationship and had learned a lot about myself and what I had done wrong. He was abusive both verbally and physically. It didn’t help that I have BPD. He, his family, and his friends all labelled me as a crazy psycho. He rubbed it in my face. It hurt a lot. For awhile, this year…I felt lost.

    A positive note. I have diminished the amount of times I argue with people quite a bit. I would say by 60% – 70%. I do plan on in seeking mental help to recover. When I move, I will be continuing CGT and will be doing DBT. I just hope that I will find a man who will love me for who I am. I am aware of that I have it and hope that I can control myself. Its really hard, but I constantly force myself in line.

    I really am thankful to see someone put BPD in a positive light when talking about dating a person suffering with BPD. It means a lot.


    • And it’s great that you are making improvements. I have always said that the first step for any person, whether they have BPD or not, is to admit that they have problems and then work on solving these problems. BPD comes in a ton of different sizes and shapes – no two are alike. It’s actually quite sad that a label has developed. Either way, it’s a psychological issue and the best way to get control over your mind is to dig down deep and identify all the negative thoughts and emotions. Most people have emotional problems that they never confront. The way I unlearned my codependency habits was by first facing the issue head on.

  12. Alyssa says:

    Hello. I have been battling BPD for years rather unsuccessfully. I find that many of the things in your article pin me to a T, whereas some things don’t quite fit my condition. My current boyfriend, for instance, used to bend over backwards for me and it made it difficult for me to continue dating him due to my lack of respect for his behavior. He actually went after me for nearly a year before I finally began dating him. I would like to say that before him, I have tended to date men who were very abusive to me either physically or emotionally. Not all, but most. So, it was difficult for me to begin dating my current boyfriend because he allowed me to walk all over him and I consequently didn’t respect him much. Most of the men I have dated I fell for hard and the break ups always destroyed me. When I first moved in with my current boyfriend, however, I didn’t feel the same feelings of love that I had for my previous exs. But it grew and now I feel lost without him. He is tired and drained from my behavior and I am desperately trying to finish my masters while juggling my emotions and my the fear of losing him. I know that another break up will set me back, and for the first time I am dating someone who genuinely cares. I want to fix myself now before it is to late. And although I know I will probably always battle my tumultuous emotions, I need someway to center myself instead of lashing out like a horrible hurricane of emotion. I don’t know how to handle my own emotions anymore and I feel that every time I look for help it fails. Advice would be welcome, and I have some other things I would possibly like to speak with you over email about in order to get an idea of what I need to do to simply find peace. I don’t know that I am a full BPD, but I know I have OCD that doesn’t help when I am trying not to obsess over my already insane emotions. Thank you for posting this and for your time.

    • cameron says:

      Alyssa February 4, 2013 at 3:06 pm
      Hello,you are just an absolutey wanderful woman to of said what I just read,I have been in a relationship with a woman for 3 years that had the mom problems early in life and all the rest,I tried to save her.
      I of course was so destroyed emotionally I got sick and ran myself down to the point where I did not care about anything,I was and am an emotional man and a very caring man,I do demand one thing from the love I give and that is equal love back,not berbatem but I think it is my way of demanding respect and I will not back off of that,I used to try just as hard as before even though she could admit to me how her actions could cause me pain and she understand how they would confuse me,but she would not offer to try to see that I did and still do give a damn,I do not wish to give up on her,but if my new as I call it Rick’s tough love shows no improvment for us then I will have to just let go,I am so tired,and she is worth it,I just hope I am.
      I apolagize for my ranting here I know you know these things,I guess it’s just an opertunity to tell a woman that understands her issue’s and knows that us as men that are sensetive can be a strong as you need us to be,again I aplaude you and think the world of your efforts.Cameron.

      • Your problem Cameron is that you are trying to save a girl. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you can’t save people. This is classic “nice guy” behavior of trying to save a girl. It means you’re putting a woman before your own needs. And that’s bad and will result in a toxic relationship whether she has BPD or not. So you shouldn’t be surprised at all that your relationship went to the pits. It doesn’t matter how bad her upbringing was – if you’re trying to save someone, you will always fail.

  13. I’ve been seeing a woman that I realized is BPD a while back – infatuation phase made me feel like God, she pulled away, always crawled back after I would disappear (even for short periods of time).

    The problem for me is I get incredibly bored when she isn’t infatuated with me. I don’t get clingy or pressure her into anything, I simply get bored and disappear for lengths of time. Which it turns out feeds into her crazy but it wasn’t intentional or calculated. Every time I tell her this however, she turns up the infatuation, and once my ego has been sufficiently fed she pulls back again.

    It is a constant power struggle. She says no until I say yes. Then I say no until she says yes. It is all very exciting as is the turmoil. I have no issue with her dating or sleeping with other men and have told her so as we aren’t committed to each other. As a matter of a fact, I’ve dated so many BPD’s over the course of the decade, that I actually get off on the promiscuity. I don’t not hold myself responsible for being majorly screwed up myself.

    She calls her pulling away phase “being in a funk” and she calls my pulling away one of two things a. immature and/or dramatic or b. she tries to trivialize my pulling away by snickering to herself like it is an inside joke between her and her imaginary friends. All is well and good, I suppose and with that verbose amount of exposition it brings me to my question…

    How do I firmly establish my dominance? Is it simply ignoring her for long periods of time? I hate playing these games as I know I am above them but have grown accustomed to playing them over the years and because I don’t have the deep seeded insecurities or jealousy I don’t drive myself insane. Simply, I am bored of the game. I am not without fault. I am a high functioning alcoholic (no DUI’s or drinking and driving, it never has an effect on my work or my ability to live a normal life from the outside, etc) and she seems to relish in when I have one of my bad nights while also saying she “hates” this part of me. But she only hates it in the midst of the power game as she has her own demons(which I don’t judge cause I have no opinion of most people’s vices).

    For the record, when I date “nice girls” I am insanely bored. The most pleasant dates I have had leave me so fucking flaccid I can’t imagine living life another second beyond that point. I’m not getting any younger so I’d like to figure out how to make this work but I am growing impatient and I have my own ways of coping with that… would my own promiscuity ruin things? Do I lead a double life? Do I just shut down and constantly wait for her to come to me?

    I do care for her to an irritating extent, I’m just not sure I am patient enough to tolerate it.

    • MsTruth says:

      You have issues of your own you need to address before fretting about this girl’s behaviors. Take accountability for yourself and see a therapist stat.

  14. aMELIA says:

    Hey, I like the information you’re giving but as I’m a female with BPD and other diagnosis’, I think that if my partner was to say some of those things to me I would get worse, not better. I am extremely dependent and needy and that’s it. It’s how I am and I’m not sure how to change it.

    BUT, I will be looking in to getting your book as my partner and I need to find strategies with how to cope and deal with me and my anger, controlling and negativity.


  15. Dominic says:

    Dear Rick

    this is regarding my girlfriend who is suffering from borderline personality disorder we are in relationship for the past 9 years. i knew that she has this problem from the day we started dating. i love her so much that her disorder never bothered me though she insults me or says that i am the cause for her problems. she fought with me lots of time also she tried to break up with me but i couldn’t let her go she also loves me so it never happened. though some times she say that she loves me and some times she say that she hates me and she doesn’t trust me. but i know deep inside she loves me. the main problem started 2 years back when she and her family had to move to USA and i had to move to Australia for my pilot training. i to applied a visa to USA twice but got rejected but got my visa for Australia so she thinks that i purposely didn’t go to USA. but after some time our life was on smooth phase. during December 2011 she said that with in a year that is by feb 2012 i must be in USA and ready to get married to her i agreed to it. so i was doing my training with full effort. i am in a situation where i have spoke to my parents and my relatives about our relationship they are happy about it and accepted our relationship. now i am in USA came here a year back. everything changed after i came here. On the first day she asked me when i am going to marry her i said lets speak to her parents and start things for the wedding. then after few days she said that she is not interested in marrying me and said that she got engaged to some one else. after some time she itself contacted me and said she called off the engagement. again after that she started saying that she is not interested in marrying me. i dont know what to do left everything behind and came here for her now i am in so much confusion. i love her so much that i cant giveup on her.

  16. panda says:

    I’m a bpd female 25. My disorder ruined all of my past relationships and its ruining my marriage. All of you guys are right about bpd females. We have impulsiveness and do things without thinking first or do things out of hatred. I want help but none of my meds are working or theraphy. Bpd is a serious illness. Its not an excuse or a joke!

    • Meds don’t work. Notice how all these mass murderers are all on meds? Yea, you’re better off without them. Meds create way more problems that these personality disorders. You simply need to learn to get control over your behavior. I have an entire course on BPD that helps people gain this control and confidence. But you also need a man that actually has thick skin.

  17. Jhan6120 says:

    Here’s the sad TRUTH: the more you regulate your behavior, the more the borderline will push you away. Untreated borderlines NEED drama. Borderlines cannot stand STABILITY and will CREATE drama because they need to be the center of attention. This need is based on a LACK OF IDENTITY and fear of abandonment. When things get too quiet, a borderline starts to fear that she quite literally does not exist. She also starts to fear that the other person will have no reason to stick around. Therefore, she starts a drama to bring the focus back on her. It’s a borderline’s version of hitting the relationship with a cattle prod to make sure it’s still there. She will do this over and over and over, and will probably do it even if she’s been ‘treated.’ Borderline’s are SPECIFICALLY designed to disrupt stability.

    In order to be in a relationship with a borderline, you must subjugate WHO YOU ARE to the sickness. Your needs will not matter; your dreams will mean nothing; your successs or failures you will experience on your own because borderlines do not have an ability to empathize (the self-consumption of their illness gives them no room to do so). In fact, the more succesful you become in life, the more the borderlines will sabotage your relationship. If you become too succesful, you might abandon her for someone less broken. (Here, the borderline’s fears are rational.)

    At the same time, the borderline will resent you for being weak enough to stick around.

    The better YOU are, the worse THEY’LL get. That’s the botton line. BPD is an emotional illness that is NOTORIOUSLY difficult to treat. Success rates are infinitesimal – as any HONEST mental health worker will tell you. That’s why so many mental hospitals are loathe to admit borderlines. It’s not prejudice; it’s healthy self-preservation.

    Do not be one of those people who sacrifices themself to an emotional illness they had NOTHING TO DO WITH. You had nothing to do with forming the borderline’s broken personality; it’s not your job to fix them. In fact, they will make YOU sick before YOU make them better. Guaranteed.

    • Thanks for the good comment. It’s absolutely not our job to fix your partner like you say. It’s up to them if they want to come with us as we change our mindsets and become more and more independent. Sometimes, they just don’t want to come along for the ride and the relationship doesn’t work out. That’s just life. You must always take care of yourself first no matter what. And it can get tough.

  18. RIck,

    I’ll spare you the details of my 1st ever BPD encounter. You’ve done an OUTSTANDING job relating to nearly EVERY aspect of my relationship with her. We dated for about a year and she wound up dumping me. I could see the writing on the wall at around the 8 month mark. It’s just my opinion, but I think she kept me around until she found someone else. She DID share quite a bit with me though, clues to her condition, but never came right out and said, “hey, by the way, I’ve been diagnosed with BPD”.

    I endured the insults and took many of them in stride. What got me most, and became the root of many of our disagreements was that I simply couldn’t understand what the hell was going on. When she would pull back, I would incessantly try to dig into what was triggering her actions. It’s funny, I remember a few times she would rage at me and say, “You say you love me, fvcking ACT like it!”. I remembered thinking to myself that I DID love her, and was loving her in what is a ‘traditional’ way. It’s just not what she wanted or needed.

    Admittedly, I took a lot of crap from this woman and did not defend myself. I was disappointed in myself a bit with that the day she broke up. That I need to fix…PRONTO.

    At any rate, she kept doing shit that KNEW pissed me off and at a few points, I just asked her straight up, “DO YOU WANT TO END THIS?”. She went quiet for a while, came back a few hours later and said yes. She was done. We haven’t talked now (text, phone, FB…nothing) for nearly two weeks now and I’m thinking she’s probably moved on to someone else.

    In your opinion, is she gone for good…think she’ll try to come back? I think she knew I loved her…we just couldn’t make it tick. I read somewhere to let her come to me…if she never does, I never stood a chance anyway.


    • They see love in an entirely different way. It’s usually mean-spirited to be honest depending on the household they grew up in. At the same time, she could be sitting there wishing for you to grab her and tell her to stop bring ridiculous or something. It’s different with every girl. Either way, the more loud and aggressive you are with a BPD and not taking crap, them ore successful the relationship. You can’t be passive at all, like your BPD said. You need to have a back bone and not let her walk on you. 8 months is not bad, that’s pretty standard for a BPD relationship to be honest when you don’t know what you’re dealing with.

  19. Slowly Enlightening says:


    For the last few weeks, I’ve been realizing that the girl I’ve been dating for about 7 months is likely either BPD or NPD….or some combination thereof. My inclination is to “say it ain’t so”, but when I look at the symptoms on every health/mental health website (including Mayo Clinic) I check off the behavioral symptoms and background causes every time.

    What puzzles me is that she has never come out and said she has some sort of mental illness, but she has excused herself in advance for some of the behaviors, as if to ask for permission to behave the way she does. She recently suggested couples therapy because of some fights over small things that we’ve had recently. So I’m wondering if I should do this at all. What she’s said is that she really doesn’t have a lot of faith in therapy….openly admitting that she’s found a therapist she trusts, but only after seeing about 8 therapists she thought were ‘stupid’. That’s kind of her basic description for anyone who doesn’t seem to understand the way she ticks or gets offended at things she does that are inconsiderate….”stupid”. So, anyway…what I worry about is that, circumstantially, this therapist she wants us to see is some sort of “yes” man and we won’t get anything constructive out of it.

    What I’m wondering, on a more specific level, is if you you have any experience with the seeking psychotherapy side, if you have any pointers for “couples” therapy and if my case sounds familiar in any way? I’m wondering if she’s only doing this because I’ve honestly been more distant from her since I’ve recognizing her behavior as possibly being BPD….and she definitely has the fear of abandonment thing…she said that to me directly in the first few weeks we were dating. So the fear comes to a head every now and then and manifests itself. This therapy suggestion definitely comes on the heels of her being really fearful.

    Another question is…..Should I even consider bringing up the fact that I’m concerned she might have this disorder? or would that be destructive whether she has admitted it to herself or not…?

    • I wouldn’t even think about the disorder to be honest. It’s a behavior thing. If you choose to let it bother you, that’s your choice. Not hers. We control our own actions, reactions and behaviors. No, I would not go with her to therapy. If she wants to then let her. You should only become concerned about BPD if she starts physically damaging your items or trying to attack you or something. That’s when you know you’re dealing with somebody that has an illness. I had an ex break my windshield. Crazy BPD…

  20. For the last 7 years, I have been dating a girl who recently was diagnosed with BPD. The first 3 years of the relationship were great, then I made the mistake of talking to other girls and this destroyed our bond. We got back together and things seemed to be progressing, but we were always off and on. Then last year during one of our breaks, she began seeing another guy. About a month went by, (our anniversary) and she called me and told me that she wanted to change and wanted me in her life. I allowed her back in, but was cautious. She slowly developed a love for electric dance music and going raving with her friends.. something I was never into because I am a musician and appreciate real music. This bothered her, until I got her pregnant. During the pregnancy, she was very in love with me and treating me like she never had before.. I am very religious, so I wanted to keep it. She debated for a while, but eventually she decided she couldn’t. I supported her because it was ultimately her decision. Several days after that, she asked that we take a break. I understood because I knew she had been through a lot. The past 2 months I had been in contact with her and she kept saying she needed more time. I asked her numerous times if there was anyone else, and she always said no. Recently, I found several pictures of her with a guy on the internet. She had been dating him since January, and I had no idea (the same guy she left me for last year). I was crushed. She is still dating him, but we have been talking. She told me things like, she’ll be back some day.. She isn’t in love with him.. She doesn’t know what she wants. But in the pictures, there were cheesy love comments back and forth from the two of them. I don’t know what to think.. I can’t move on because I love her too much and I want to help her, but it isn’t fair to me. What is the best way to proceed? Is she coming back? IF she does, how do I know it won’t happen again. SHE DATED SOMEONE 2 WEEKS AFTER THE ABORTION! So messed up. Any help would be appreciated.

  21. I’ve known this girl for 10 years. She always had a crush on me but to me she was just a nice girl. We always talked on and off and we ended up being really good friends, A few years back she was dating some dude and started ignoring me so I deleted her from facebook. Months passed, she added me and apologized and we started talking again. Fast forward to last May when she told me she was sick and and had to get surgery. From that point on I’m pretty sure this the only girl I’ve ever felt strong feelings for. I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend, straight up, and she replied “…but I’m crazy”. She then told me her last boyfriend forced her to have sex with her and made her have 2 abortions. She couldn’t trust guys anymore and that’s why she couldn’t get into any relationships. At this point I’m thinking I should be her knight in shining armor, but that obviously didn’t work out. She ended up moving away because everything and everyone around here always stressed her out. I thought we would still keep in touch but she ended up ignoring me again. To make matters worse, I saw her in a pic with her ex. She didn’t post it or anything, but I ended up finding one. Now I’m thinking she purposely got pregnant in order to keep him. She also told me some other stuff which helps her fit the BPD profile. She goes to therapy and claims she is bi-polar. This sweet girl I once knew had these skeletons in the closet I never knew she could have. I’m not as hung up on her as I once was, but I still think about her all the time…well, more often than I would like to, anyway. I don’t even really want her to be my girlfriend anymore. i just want to be friends again. Not looking for any advice or anything, just wanted to let some stuff out. Thanks.

  22. steven alvarado says:

    hi my name is steven just a week ago i found out that my ex has bpd we have been apart 2 months and i want her back i have a very similar story to you and i grew sooooo much from this girl i went from imature to shit idk i see everything so different now anyway im unconditionally in love with her i dont have in me give up even tho i have been to hell and back a million times. she has no clue what she has she just thinks shes nuts depressed ect.. i dont know how to go about telling her? i havent spoken to her for about a couple weeks last time we talked she wanted sex it was Amazing at that time she was saying she would marry me a day later she wants nothing to do with me.. we have dated for over 2 years.. i have a pretty good feeling she will come back because she has this pattern.. but what i really need to know is how do i tell her and what can i do at this point?

    • Can’t do anything at this point because it’s up to her whether she’ll come back or not. No words or anything you do will bring her around at this point. You can text her sometime when you’re off doing something (going to the beach or whatever) but other than that, no amount of sweet talking will bring her around.

  23. I have dated a bdp-girl who I diagnosed myself without education. We have been living together since last summer. I am a karaoke-host and she always wants to come to my workplace and very rarely wants to be lefted alone home. She loves to drink in different bars and she only needs like 4 drinks to change her behavior very aggressive violent selfdestructive. It starts usually when I am returning home from my workplace. I have saved her life so many times. Her mother is also bpd and she blames me for her drinking and the little violence I have used in the worst moment of our relationship. Still the violence I have used is only 10% of the violence she as used on me. Her mother is religious and says that there is a demon is me. She doesn`t believe that I have saved her daughters life many times. My girlfriend also gets horny for my songs and sometimes starts touching me sexual way during my work. If I try to stop her she things that I don`t care about her and goes to talk all the strangers in train flirting and saying very bad things about me. I still keep letting her to come to the bar I am working, but nowadays I make her to eat some antabus to make her drinking impossible. I like her much more when she is clean and can control her at least somehow.

  24. Hey Rick,
    You seem to have a great understanding of these women and their responses.
    What do you think of this – Im pretty convinced she’s BPD/Bipolar and extremely Narcassistic, would be interested to hear your thoughts:
    I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago after 1 1/2 yrs and a year of living together. Shes 26 very hot is a model, great fun, Im 38 tall good looking educated good job etc. Met through friends had a full fairy tale story everyone on our side etc.
    She could be the sweetest most complimentry girfriend Ive ever had, always told me how much she loved me and how happy she was to have me etc. But she would frequently get very upset over small things and become childish in trying to solve them, context normally that I didn’t care enough or only saw her as temporarily in my life. Would be difficult then 2 days later like nothing ever happened. Would constantly tell me I didn’t love her. Apparently because I didn’t buy her enough flowers etc – I did alot for her looked after her and bankrolled most of her life, but not enough. Sex was great, maybe became routinely great, then she would complain because I didn’t chase/seduce her enough so would refuse me sex, got confusing. I was generous but wouldn’t run after her too much in fear of being too easy/pushover. She took it to mean I didn’t love her, she said she felt the relationship wasn’t passionate enough.
    She got another basic job that she couldn’t handle, fought with everyone at work etc. Ended up depressed, she broke up with me. I
    m in love with her, tried to get her back every way, not even close to luck. Turns out she’s now dating a 52 year old Asian guy who buys her flowers all the time and takes her to every one of her jobs and school, and it makes her feel special as a woman, even though she hated Asians and thought it should be illegal for people to have kids when they were older to protect the kids.
    Her Dad was in the KGB and drank himself to death when she was 4, and she always felt neglected by her Mom.
    Lucky me!
    Once again, great job, thanks!

  25. I have read everything on here, and it all makes more sense now; MY fiancee left me 7 weeks ago , and 6 weeks before our wedding. Everything had been planned, and all through the relationship, I couldnt figure out what was going on. Upon me going to a counselor for understanding, and talking to her own brother, it is very clear she had BPD with narcissism, but I did not realize this until after she left. I thought it was just anxiety and being difficult. I beat myself up during and after trying to figure out what I could have done more or better. I still love her very much,, and after she left, she has not contacted me once. I sent her a letter about a month ago, told her I still love her, and got nothing. She was always wanting me to “put her in her place” also during the relationship. I tend to be more laid back and dont like to argue, but it caused many arguments. I wonder if I had been more stern and confident in how I handled her if it would have made a difference. I still love her, and would be there for her to work throught it. The days that were “normal” were fantastic, but when mrs. hyde came out, hold on to your head…..very challenging and tough…

    • When you’re dating people that are very emotional (such as BPD and whatnot), you just can’t sit back and be passive. It simply doesn’t work for these types of relationships. They need someone that’s more than just a lover – they need both a lover and a father figure. Someone that’s not afraid to put them in their place. The problems that most people have in these relationships is that they sit back like you and let things go, they’re afraid to argue, etc. Now arguing has both it’s positives and negatives and I don’t want to get into that, but just keep in mind that you can’t be passive when you date people like this. In fact, you can’t be passive in ANY relationship. It just creates a toxic environment over time. Like your ex said, she needs you to put her in her place. I’ve heard that one multiple times from ex’s and I never understood it at the time. Now I know exactly what they mean. They WANT you to get aggressive and heated when they’re pissing you off.

      • I think the term ” put her in her place”, is a bit demeaning. It is more on the lines that BPD’s need structure. So if they are in a relationship with someone who can find the balance of giving them independence and structure without acting like they are their slaves there can be a happy medium.

        • Putting a girl in her place isn’t making her a slave. If you see it that way, then that sucks. But that’s not at all what I’m saying, and I hope anyon else reading this comment doesn’t see it that way either. Yes, they need structure as you said. They need someone who has strength and independence and someone who doesn’t give their love out easily. Very important…

  26. Steven says:

    Hello Rick. I see many things posted here which are a quite nice description of the kind of relationship I am in now.

    I’ve met a girl at university 7 months ago and I totally totally fell in with her at first sight. She was dating back then, and her boyfriend dumped her 1 month after we’ve met.

    This is a relationship where I have lost all my manhood and apologise for things which aren’t even my fault (for example, the other day we had a fight because I was studying alot more than her). I cancel appointments with friends because she wants that.

    On one day she says that we’ll never be something, the next she says that ‘if’ we would every be something she’d see her shopping and having fun with my sister.

    To be honest, I don’t know where I am; And I am totally lost actually. I love her increadibly much, but atm i’m not the real man, i’m just a guy who gets walked over and noone ever finds that attractive.

    I would like to change my attitude and friends say that whenever she says that we won’t be something I should just say OK, and leave. All this in order to make her realize that she can’t live without me. BUT I am too afraid to do all these things because the contrast to what we are in now would be day and night.

    ah well.
    life gets drained out of me

  27. There are different levels of BPD first of all. And it isn’t just a “Mommy” and/or “Daddy issue. It’s a conditional issue from a mental stand point. It’s about regulating the emotions that are heightened more so than, lets say how the normal person would react. Also, it affects not only women but men as well. The facts are true that BPD need independence but still have feelings too such as wanting love, compassion and they can show empathy, love and compassion also. Lets not get too carried away in respect to that the BPD is always at fault here. There are situations that trigar certain emotions. It’s takes a strong SECURE person to handle being in a relationship with a BPD. Good points guy and I’m sure your book has better detail. I’ll conclude for now. Just remember, live for right now, stay away from the past and your future is what it is.

    • Yes, it does take a strong, secure person to handle a BPD. That’s exactly my mission and this website: to build people into strong, secure individuals.

  28. Justin says:

    Damn Rick,

    Talk about an eye opener! I’ve been with a BPD girl for about 10 months now. She had the “father who left, mother who neglected, and terrible failed relationships.” I was always the alpha male; I was nearly engaged to a highly emotional woman until her behavior became unnacceptable that I left and rejected all of her advances. However, my current, gf showered me with praise and I lost who I was. I forgot to be me… her idealization was extremely strong it became almost intoxicating. However, shortly thereafter I began to notice changes in her attitude, moods, and overall behavior. And before I knew it I was on the emotional, verbal and phyical abuse roller coaster. This was nothing like my previous relationship. She then explained to me her past and I forgave her for her behavior. And began my mission to “fix” her. But as I see it just added fuel to the fire. I even moved in at her request; despite many arguments when she would tell me she never wanted me to move in. I finally moved out a month ago… but still the roller coaster continued. I then found your site. Everything you say is 100% correct… I became needy and insecure. I needed to be the “one.” She’s even told me countless times she hates that I am so insecure… and I would come back with “because you put me on an emotional roller coaster.” I wish I knew then what I know now. I needed to be a rock and continue with my life instead of getting caught up with her “issues.” I’m not saying I’m where I need to be… but I’m on my way. I can clearly see that the only thing where she is to blame is that she knows she needs help but refuses to seek it. The rest lays upon me… I had three choices: 1) Man up 2) Man up and leave or 3) Be insecure and cling to her. I choose #3. I do know that going forward this will have made me a better person… with or without her. Thanks Rick!

  29. Nikoi says:

    Hello Rick,
    I have a question. Being with my BPD girl on and off for 7 years. We didn’t live together. During last pull-push episode decided to do things differently, to make her work harder for the relationship. She tried several times to reestablish contact, but I rejected her. Wanted her to invest more… Now she is not contacting me anymore. Did I mist the moment? My point is to get her back, but for good this time. Did’t want to get her back to easy. Will it be a weakness if I contact her now? Or perhaps I am on better position, after rejecting her in the past? May I have your opinion?

    • Probably missed your chance but it’s hard to say man. Hindsight is something I try to avoid. Don’t get upset over it though, it’s probably for the best. Just do what you can to improve yourself and your own lifestyle. I can’t say this enough: the better, more legit and credible your lifestyle, the easier time you’ll have dating anyone, even Borderlines.

  30. Patrick Stiller says:

    BPD women don’t respect anyone. They only love themselves! Anyone who spends anytime in a relationship with a BDP will soon realize that the life they had will be sucked out of them. BPDs spend their entire life causing chaos for those around them! They have no ability to listen, because they have the emotional capacity of a child! I dated a BPD for 3 years, she spent the entire time throwing fits, starting fights and then topped it off with a cheating! All the while, telling me she loved me like no other. If you want a peaceful life, stay away!

    • Your mentality is wrong, but I understand that you’re angry. I get it. The truth is that Borderline’s don’t respect themselves one bit, nor love themselves at all. If you don’t love yourself, if you don’t respect yourself then there’s no way you’re going to be able to respect your partner. This is the same issue with the codependent guys who have trouble with women — they don’t like themselves, they don’t see themselves as attractive, they lack confidence, they have poor self-image, etc. As a result, they try really hard to be “nice” to girls with the hopes that they’ll fulfill some fantasy of getting a “nice” girl.

      Obviously, this never happens because it’s a fantasy. And millions of men struggle with this, thanks to the horrible programming of our society.

      “Nice” guys often end up with Borderlines because you attract what you project: you both have insecurity issues stemming from childhood like I described above. But, the guy usually ends up getting his soul crushed because he’s just not even close to being emotionally mature enough to date someone with BPD.

  31. Rick,

    I was in a relationship with a BDP for the 11 months. There were a lot of red flags right away. We slept together the first night I met her. She said she loved me within two weeks. She was extremely clingy. Right away she told me about sexual trauma at a young age which she blamed her mother for. Her father was non-existent emotionally. She said her siblings were drug addicts and compulsive liars. She didn’t have any friends. She told me she left the men in all her relationships inexplicably, but didn’t know why. She never held a job more than a year, though highly educated. She told me about times she physically attacked her ex-husband over small arguments, and just laughed it off. She had been a cutter, and suffered from bouts of anorexia.

    I ignored the red flags because my ego was being stroked. She mirrored all my interests (falsely,) bought me gifts, amazing sex, and seemed like my soul mate.

    After 7 months I started to spend more time with her exclusively, and the drama emerged. There was constant turmoil in her life with work, family, finances, ect. She became hot and cold with me. She began testing my boundaries in public. She became extremely jealous (even of family) then flirt with other men and throw it in my face. Then she started drinking heavily, picking fights over nothing and viciously attacked me physically when I tried to leave one night. I no longer recognized her. I drew the line at physical violence and I left for the first time. (She threatened to kill herself so I contacted her family and got out anyway.)

    I started to think maybe it was my fault so I went to counseling, read several books, and even got a life coach. She begged me for a second chance, and I gave it to her. Within weeks her old abusive ways returned. I refused to be her victim, and told her I wanted to talk. She knew what was coming and disappeared completely, never even responded to me…thankfully. A week later she was dating someone new. I was hurt, but not surprised since she’d never been single between relationships. I later learned about BDP and it everything clicked. If you see the red flags…run.

    • Eh, no you just can’t get sucked into the honeymoon phase like you did. You’re basically allowing her to do all these things to you lol. But this girl is beyond BPD obviously with the cutting, anorexia, etc. she obviously needs real medical treatment.

  32. SERENERABBIT says:

    They say men who survive relationships with BPD women are people who are either doormats or extreme narcissists. I don’t think any sane, rational, normal person would survive someone with BPD.

    Which one are you Rick?

    • Let me ask you this – do you think any high quality, high profile guys would have any trouble dating a BPD? The answer is no. BPD’s put on there best behavior when they’re dating men that are quality. If they don’t, then the men leave them. That’s that!

      • SERENERABBIT says:

        Let me ask you something Rick, do YOU think a high quality, high profile guy would even think about dating a woman like this???

        • I have BPD and my boyfriend is a guy like that.

          • Exactly. Plenty of successful BPD relationships out there. You just don’t hear about them because they are doing fine, lol.

  33. Hi Rick,

    I am in a relationship with a girl for about 5 months now. Initially she told me she had anxiety disorder however after 3 months into the relationship (after I already fell in love with her and there were deep feelings involved) I found out that she also suffers from a chronic eating disorder and OCD. Later on I found out she also has BPD.

    During the first 3 months, the relationship was PERFECT. We loved and cared about each other. We were even discussing moving in together and buying a house, etc. Her attitude completely changed in the 4th month becoming cruel and almost intentionally trying to hurt me. And about a week ago I found out she’s been having sleepover with her ex boyfriend who previously broke up with her and treated her like crap.

    Now initially, I didn’t know about the BPD so I was dealing with her knowing she only had an eating disorder. So I was being very supportive, loving and caring, I was bending backwards for her even when she was having her mood swings.

    About a week ago, she asked to have a break from us for a couple of weeks to a month till she sorts out her feelings towards her ex. I respected her wish and never called, txted and seen her since.

    I really love the girl and she can be the most caring and loving person when she needs to be…we had such a beautiful relationship. I don’t think the other guy will be able to tolerate her much longer (since the eating disorder affects her sexual desire). So I am thinking of giving it time until he either dumbs her again or she gets bored and dumbs him.

    Can you please advise as to how I should proceed now? How can I not be needy or let her walk all over me and be distant while at the same time show her that I care and love her? How can I make her want me and crave me as she did before?
    Pleaaassseee help me.

    • Well you’ve got to care and love yourself first if you want any success. The reason she’s turned off is that your attractiveness levels are very low and thus she’s not into you. You’ve got to raise these attractiveness levels. My new book Toxicity is all about that so be on the look out for it when it comes out soon.

  34. contemplative says:

    Female BPD here, in recovery. I haven’t been diagnosed, but after falling in love with a male BPD, I’m self-diagnosing. I’ve actually been more of the kind who turns things inward and blames myself. My “self-harming” consists of oversleeping and an occasional cigarette. I also used to be very promiscuous. It seemed like I always dated two different types of men. One was the man who had a lot of unresolved anger, would push me away when I tried to get close, was very shady, and had a very abusive mother whom he felt obligated to take care of and was a god in bed. The next type of guy would never tell me what his boundaries were or if I had hurt his feelings until after months of holding a grudge, had difficulty performing in bed (I’m not talking about just being inexperienced), and just absolutely bored me to tears.

    Then I met Casanova and fell in love. Unfortunately, he was very emotionally dishonest. In the beginning, I stood up to him and called him on his B.S., but that caused him to withdraw, which triggered my abandonment fears. So I’d try to smooth things over, and sometimes it worked, but he was very distrusting. And the more I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and help him and love him, the more he seemed to misinterpret everything as criticism, unless I literally smothered him with compliments. Meanwhile, he started dating some other girl but didn’t tell me. Basically, it was just the most emotionally traumatic 6 months of my life. But it opened my eyes.

    Then came the first emotionally stable guy I’ve ever been been with. Although I found him attractive, he wasn’t the kind of guy I would have immediately chosen. When he tried to get close to me, I noticed that suddenly I became critical of him. I decided to ignore that impulse and open up to him. At first, the relationship was all about me. The emotional trauma I endured with Casanova had brought up suppressed memories of childhood trauma, and I was very fragile. Mr. Emotionally Stable listened to all of this, and I was terrified he would run. But he didn’t. In fact, he seemed to like me more. I told him upfront that I never wanted to disrespect his boundaries, but I really needed him to always be honest with me about his feelings and to be very gentle. He agreed. Once, when we were on a date and I began ruminating on the past, he expressed displeasure. I became fearful he would run, but I really respected him for being honest and it helped me to see what I was doing. He was very considerate of my feelings and genuinely wanted to learn to please me in bed. Sometimes I was so overwhelmed that I would burst into tears. I had seriously just never had a man that I was so attracted to take time to learn about me- a guy who cared more about pleasing me than himself. I always made sure to respectfully express to him that it wasn’t anything he had done wrong- that in fact this was very healing for me and that I would get better over time but it would just take a while. We took turns giving each other massages and treating each other to meals. It was very reciprocal.

    I found myself really liking and admiring him. He would return texts and answer phone calls and even initiated them himself. This just made me like him more, and I began really wanting to know more about him. As it turns out, there are just some big life circumstances that make it impossible for us to continue dating, and I’ve moved for a job. But he’s still a wonderful friend, and I trust him. I am so thankful that he modeled for me what a healthy relationship feels like. Now I’m single for the first time in years, with no prospects on the horizon, and I’m actually enjoying it. I’m finally learning how to give myself all the love I thought I needed to seek from others.

    So, it IS possible for people to recover, but I think it takes a major life crisis/spiritual awakening for someone to really see their own faults clearly. I know I’m a kind, caring person. In fact, I’m generally accused of being “too” kind. My problem was that I didn’t have strong boundaries, because I didn’t love myself enough. Now I’m just not attracted to the kind of men I used to date, because I respect myself way too much to jump through hoops or date a guy who bores me to tears. There IS a happy medium, and that’s a guy who doesn’t need me but wants me anyway- who knows how to communicate emotions in a respectful way. And now I can finally be the kind of woman who can appreciate and attract that kind of man.

  35. Alexandra says:

    In one of your answers you said that BPDs are really attracted to a man that does what he wants. I am BPD, and I hate when my boyfriend gets to do whatever he wants. I want him to be around me all the time. I know I know, before you jump on me (haha) I know I still feel very abandoned and rejected when he does his own thing. I was only just diagnosed with BPD a few months ago and I have a lot to learn. But a lot of the stuff you say should help a relationship just sounds like it helps the man, not the BPD. A lot of the things you say men should do wouldn’t exactly make me feel loved or any better… Maybe I am not understanding fully or maybe I will just get it when I’m healed. But none of this makes me feel positive right now :/

    • Well my point is that you’re still with your boyfriend right? I am 100% positive that if your boyfriend actually was around you all the time, you’d lose all forms of attraction for him. It’s a scientific fact that humans lose attraction for things we’re around all the time. So while you might feel this way, understand that you’re actually in a good situation! A lot of guys are the opposite of your BF and they try to hang around their gf all the time. She likes it at first but is soon tired of it.

      The bigger picture here is that you’re still with your BF and not many other guys can say that :)

  36. Wow. File this under “Now ya tell me.” :)
    A year and a half into our relationship and I’m just now researching books and forums to find some answers. Thank you for cutting through the BS and Doc-speak. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to read about behavioral patterns that others have dealt with, and the dawning moment that I’m not alone, or losing my mind (well, jury’s still out on the last one )

    Me and my GF, both in our 40’s, both very active with outdoor sports, and both, what I thought, perfectly healthy and well-adjusted. To add a kicker to it all, its a long-distance relationship, being about 70-80 miles apart. Doesn’t sound too bad, but L.A. traffic adds a whole other level of difficulty to that. She works from home, I work M-F. This only leaves weekends, with us alternating who visits who each weekend. I’m more the easy-going, stress and conflict-avoiding, dreaded “nice guy”. And I’m having several facepalm moments while reading your articles here.

    We got along great the first couple of months, then I would get a bizarre text from her accusing me of something ridiculous. “Out meeting women tonight? Have fun!!” huh? Or having an extreme reaction to something “minor” while together. “You didn’t take any pictures of us this weekend” followed by F bombs and fighting. She has since used the flight response whenever fights got intense, packing up her things and leaving mid-weekend, regardless of what was planned. In one case she packed up MY things and told me “I had a train to catch”. Yeah. And the whole time I was trying to be rational and talk it out and debate it and argue it. Oops.

    We became a sort of running joke with my friends based on how many times we were broken up or together. Not funny. Our current status is apart, and after reading all of this I don’t think I have what it takes to pursue this, sadly. I love her and feel for her and know that she had a shit upbringing from her mother. She’s very aware that she has issues – even commenting things like “Hey we had a good weekend! No meltdowns!” But she mostly shrugs them off to stress, or her birth control pills or other “surface” issues. We discussed therapy but she basically refused and went to a psychic instead.

    I’ll wrap this novel up now and just wanted to say thanks for doing what you do. Having this available is a life-changer. Its so much help for us “WTF is going on here???” types. And it also helped shine a light on my co-dependency habits. Yikes. I got some work to do. Thanks again Rick –

  37. Brandon Montz says:

    I’ve been with a BPD woman (off and on) for a year now. I’d say 9 months if you subtract the times I walked away in order to regain some sense of normalcy and to regain my own mental health. I’m only now starting to stand up and not allow her to walk all over me. Everything is absolute with her. If you do something once then you “always” do it, or if you don’t do something once then you “never” do it. On top of that, she exacerbates and twists situations, stories in order to make herself a victim. Case in point, the times that I have had to flee have made me into the bad guy with her friends and family. The situation as she see’s it is gospel according to her. Now my mistake was that I used to assume ownership and blame in order to try and calm the situation down, but that only caused more frequent breakouts. Now that I do the things that I want in her eyes I am selfish, uncompromising and “set in my ways”. She always worries that I am cheating yet at the same time she tries to make me jealous by threatening to sleep with other people if I do not give her sex. As to that topic, my BPD has to have sex in order to feel that the relationship is progressing and for reassurance that she is pretty, beautiful and worthy of being loved. She is the most sexual girlfriend I have been with but if you retreat from sex for a while all hell breaks loose. She cannot go without it, even for short periods of time without spiraling out. I’m still learning and I can’t honestly say if I will be with this girl much longer. I believe the turning point for me was when she physically attacked me in a rage over not having sex. At that moment I finally drew a line with her and gave her an ultimatum as it pertains to physical abuse. Do it again and spend a night in jail. BPD or not some things cannot be permitted. Anyways, I still pull my hair out sometimes because of the constant drama that comes with the relationship. Even worse, the change between minutes, hours and sometimes days of those moods…

    • She’s obviously insecure so you just got to ask yourself if you’re willing to stick around with such an insecure girl for the long haul. I would dump her just because of the fact that if you were to travel for a few weeks, she’d probably find some other guy to nail while you’re gone. She obviously has much maturing to do so this is one of those tricky situations. You need to get the ball back in your court and sky rocket your attractiveness so she’s not even thinking of other guys out there. She really needs to understand that you’re the boss and you can really get this point across in the bedroom…

  38. Wow, just wow. I wish I had found your site the day my BPD girl (now ex as of 2 weeks ago) and I met. My story reads like the rest. I am proud that I managed to stay with her for two years, the most exciting and mentally exhausting two years of my life. The initial “infatuation” stage was fucking incredible, the sex was amazing, and she is a model completely out of my league. I was down at the time, and depressed. She prolly saw me as an easy mark. Anyway, the honeymoon lasted 3 or months lots of sex, and booze. Then the push/pull, love/hate began. We moved in together for 5 months, which was a complete debacle, she hated me during this time HATE. I Moved out, but we continued dating. I would stay over for three or so nights, then she would throw me out. I made the the mistake of begging, pleading, trying to reason with her. Eventually she would come around after a couple days, but her coldness only grew more frequent and the verbal abuse more brutal. Then the cheating started. She slept her way through her ex boyfriends, always rationalizing it, blaming me for cheating on her (I never did). Then about six months ago she decided that we were just dating, and not her boyfriend and was open that she was going to MAYBE see other people and I should to. I agreed like a chump, but would beg and cry every time she would run off. In response she would say things like ” I’ll try not to again, I love you, I don’t want you out of my life, I can’t help it, I feel suffocated” in her defense she told me in the beginning not to get attached and she hated relationships. But her actions didn’t match up, she would tell me how much loved me. She always wanted to be with me. I felt like a God in the beginning, I thought that I would be different than all the Ex’s she left in her wake (that she loved to talk about ALL THE TIME). Of course I’m not different. The situation worsened a few months ago; She called the cops, she became even more paranoid, she broke my laptop, the sex became less frequent (but still amazing). Two weeks ago she went into a rage after a decent night together, I left. She wouldn’t reply for 5 days. I of course like a chump, emailed numerous times, how much I love her, miss her, and would take care of her. She replied that she didn’t love me anymore and now didn’t want to date me EVER … And to die. She went silent again, I continued to email for a few days, then stumbled across your site. After reading though your site, I emailed her that if she wanted to end it, I was sorry, but her choice. Then went NC For a couple days. Well, low and behold, she emails asking me to come over and rub her back, which I said maybe this week, but not tonight. Finally, she emailed me today and said, she’s busy all week, AND maybe Friday. I’m so fucking lost, I feel crazy. My gut is saying, run and no contact. But my heart says try. After two years it’s hard to let go, but I feel that I’m in love with a fantasy, what we were In the beginning. Not to mention I miss the sex, again the best ever, and I’ve dated my share of woman. What should I do? I’m a wreck, DUI (with her), lost my job, my self esteem is shattered. I can’t stop thinking about her and hoping we can fix our shit. I know you said if you don’t set boundaries in the begging it’s going to be near impossible later. Any chance? Should I contact her Friday? Sorry for rambling bro, so much I want to explain, I’m sure you have heard and seen it all though! I think I’m codependent. So when I can scrape up the doe I’m buying your books for sure as I’ll prolly end up here again. What can say, I like em pretty, sexy and crazy. Thanks in advance if you reply.

    Growing some balls

  39. Franklin says:

    I am currently going through a break up with a girl I suspect to have BPD and I am looking for help in how to best reach back out to her after giving her the space she said she needed. We had been talking for 4 months and official for 4 months as well. From what I’ve learned from her past, is that she does not have a past. She eliminates both girls and guys and moves to the next group of friends. On top of all this she was previously married and never told me. I would like to both gain a better sense of closure while also expressing my desire to be there in whatever she is going through.

  40. I’m dealing with a bpd now. After a torrid, confusing three months she cooled it and we’re behaving as friends now for the most part. I give her support when she needs it and space when she needs it. I can do that because I figured out on my own she had the disorder, started understanding her, and I care about her. I have two points.

    If a man chooses to deal with someone with this affliction good for him. However even a well functioning bpd can be a lot to take on especially if you have stress in your own life. There is nothing wrong with someone for simply saying get out of my life.

    Second Bpds are pretty smart and good at only giving you part of the story. My ex hid a lot fromme including a pill problem. I recently figured this out and at some point I will have to pull back all the way because I don’t want to see the end result.

    I bring this up because it’s often difficult to know what exactly you’re dealing with. If someone feels blindsided by the complications they cause it’s not their fault.

    My main point is that I don’t blame anyone for not having the patience or energy to deal with what’s a pretty complicated issue. I’m surprised and proud of myself I do. You are right on one thing, Rick. You do learn a lot about yourself!

    • Thanks for the good comment. You just got to go with the flow really. It’s up to them to tell you the truth. Again, always focus on your own self and don’t let your partner obsess your thoughts or you will be doomed. BPD’s are people too so you have to understand that they’ve got shit going on – but that doesn’t mean you become a pushover and start letting them push you around and treat you like dirt. BPD’s will constantly test you for STRENGTH because they need that in their life.

  41. Michelle says:

    Hi Rick,
    I have stumbled upon your site while looking for some advice on how to deal with my BPD boyfriend of 2 yrs. I have found some interesting things on co-dependency which had not occurred to me previously and will be putting your advice into action. My boyfriend and I fight all the time and I think it’s mostly my fault for not setting boundaries early on. We have broken up a couple times but only more recently have I been thinking seriously about making this permanent. He has lived with me on and off for most of our relationship and hasn’t had a job since we’ve been together. He has had occasional days here and there and has been very eager to work when it comes up so I do believe he is trying. He doesn’t seem to understand why I want him to do certain things – like clean up after himself in my house – and although he tries to pull his own weight for a week he will go right back to doing nothing the next week. When we fight about this – usually after me asking him to do some housework – he will hurl abuse at me before storming off for a day or two. I have made it clear I do not like this behaviour and he doesn’t usually insult me as much now, although has the occasional relapse, like today. My question however is about the male / female divide on this one – in your posts you talk about being a MAN as no women want a nice guy – while I can see your logic, surely the same doesn’t apply to women with BPD boyfriends? I’m fairly sure men WANT a nice girl to be with, but how can I re-establish boundaries and win back the 50/50 effort split if I’m too nice? If you could email me I would greatly appreciate it.

    • My advice for women that are dealing with a crazy boyfriend is to limit yourself around him. I know a lot of women that go out of there way to really help out the boyfriend, but it never gets reciprocated or appreciated mainly due to the fact that the guy is crazy, lol. So, you really shouldn’t be doing favors for people, even lovers, that aren’t appreciative of things.

      Deep down it’s really the fact that you don’t have much self-respect because you feel that you’re not worth anything so you keep helping someone that doesn’t deserve it.

  42. Hi Rick, I was hoping to gain a little more insight of some issues I’ve been experiencing with my girlfriend here of late. I’ve been reading about what you have said about BPD and some of it seems to be making sense with my case, but I was wanting to hear some opinions from someone like yourself. So my story begins with this beautiful girl I met online. At first we just did some light talk back and forth, but as time went on (about a week or so) we exchanged numbers and began talking about a potential relationship. We talked about our interests and similarities via text and phone conversation for about a week. By the time that Saturday came, I asked her to be my girlfriend and we became a happy couple for about 5 weeks. I could tell she was really happy to be mine and I was really happy to be hers. We even exchanged how much we love each other over this 5 week period and life was great for the two of us until just recently. I noticed she started becoming very distant and said she was too busy to or too tired to talk to me or see me (she had an intense week of midterms to study for). Very recent ago, as in about 2-3 days ago, she said she wanted a “break” to see if what we had was real. I was a bit shocked to her this from her because it felt very real to me, but I respected her decision to do want to do so. I started noticing today though that she changed her status and is even starting to delete pics of us off of the internet. Respecting her decision to want to take a break, I have not yet contacted her about this. She has a painful past with other guys cheating on her and with the death of her father within these past couple of years. I told I have never had a girlfriend before, but I would never in the right mind do anything that could hurt her. She still claims she loves me though. What should I do in this situation? Do you think she has BPD? I am just very nervous and hurt because I don’t want to lose someone as special as her. Thanks for any help or advice.

    • Also forgot to mention she was extremely homesick and that her father that passed away was abusive towards her and her mother

  43. Hi Rick, came across your page and seeking some insight and help. I’ve been a same sex relationship for 3 years( known each for almost 8). He moved almost 1000 miles to
    I’ve with me. During the time we spoke long distance it was as if we had known each other for years and for me I knew we would one day be together. Over the years he blew me off many times after seeming so interested ect. After we moved in together I came to the realization that he was hiding many secrets from me and wasn’t the person who he made himself seem to be. I guess this was me being naive and me wanting to believe in love. He was addicted to drugs, alcohol, porn/sex. He grew up in a broken family and was verbally and physically abused as a child and adult. I tried to become his helper and caregiver. The first year was the roughest. Very abusive and violent behavior on his part and I took it. At one point I was fed up and told he if he didn’t stop using his drug of choice/stopped drinking/ and porn I would leave. He stopped all. This is my question and concern. Did he stop for me or did he come to the realization that there was something wrong? He says he was afraid of losing me. He has switched from his drug of choice to another drug with an opposite effect and still has his crazy moments and is verbally abusive and threatening and says I’m controlling. But then he come to the realization that was he did was wrong and apologizes. I have distanced myself. What I think and I may be wrong and hope you can clarify is that by him changing his ways for me and trying to be someone he isn’t for me is making him very unhappy so he turned to other forms of drugs that I’m kind of ok with. I sense he is very unhappy and that makes me very unhappy and miserable. I don’t know where to go from here.

    • Well for one, it’s not your job to change people. People can only change themselves when they admit they have a problem. Now this doesn’t mean he’ll be a drug user forever. It simply means that his personality is what it is. Drugs are a choice, but who he is is not a choice. It developed over the years and he is who he is. So, I think it’s very good that your drew the line in the sand and told him what you will/will not tolerate. You must keep doing this. BPD’s like it when you give them rules to follow. They basically need a father-like figure in their life.

      If he’s unhappy when he’s sober, then that is a whole different issue right there. That’s just due to addiction, it happens to people all the time. But you just have to keep letting him know that you won’t be with someone that’s into drugs and alcohol. I’m the same way. I can’t stand dating a girl who likes to drink a lot.

      And something that I mention quite often is the fact that I believe alcoholism to be much worse than BPD. Like 1000 times worse, lol…

  44. Hey Rick first I want to thank for providing some very useful info about dating a bpd. My relationship with a bpd just ended. My bpd gf actually was the one that broke up with me due to the constant fights, she said she needed space for now because she doesn’t know how to talk to me without having to bite my head off. She said she wanted to work on herself before she tries to get back with me, so I guess she kind of acknowledged that she has some type of problem. Any who, during this break I was really giving her space, I wasn’t calling or texting her at all although if she did initiate the contact I would respond but I would be very short with her, which turned out to upset her. Not only that but during this time I found out that she was actually cheating on me with her ex boyfriend I even provided her with the evidence and she still has the nerve to deny it!!! That’s not the first time she tries to force a lie into me. I don’t understand why they can’t just be honest even after getting caught lying. This is what makes me feel that these women really are bad people, these people aren’t stupid, they know very clear the difference between right and wrong. Did you ever experience this particular aspect of bpd with your exes? You state that it’s possible to date these women but their crazy ways of trying to force lies into being the “truth” makes me think otherwise. She left me in a very bad emotional state I’m currently under therapy for depression, I’m lacking a lot of motivation within myself because of the constant abuse. Prior to meeting her I was a healthy 24 year old male full of self confidence, she made my life a total wreck.

    • Yes my first BPD relationships ended like that, just cheating behind my back. It is what it is man and it’s NOT just a BPD thing so don’t let that be an excuse. People in general lie and cheat, it just is what it is. It’s why I teach men and women to first improve themselves and be great so that you can filter out the low quality people from high quality, people you can trust. Thanks for your comment :)

  45. Hi,
    I have just recently realized that I was having a fling… or something with a male borderliner. So naturally I did everything wrong. It was fuld of drama… but I kind of liked a little drama. I am passionate.
    I dont think he knows he is bdp. But is aware that he has a different personality. Thats ok with me, cause it seems like he is working with him self to controle the impulses and are aware of them. And I like that he Challengs me and the powerstruggle.
    I dont really know what i was doing right or wrong in the relationship, but was able to get him to come back. No matter how many times i broke it off with him. I am a successfull, attractive and very strong woman. i dont say yes to anything that i dont want. And he seeks controle over me constantly. And pules away when i dont give it to him. And at the same time pules away when i do try to give a little.
    He seems extremely in love and fashinated with me when he is with me… and I have overheard him saying ” i dont know what it is about that woman… but everytime I see her, it just says kaboom. Talks and behave as though we are a couple, Even though i have told him we are not. And he needs to date me if he want that to bee the case and spend time with me.
    Also i cant get him to agree just to have a fling or bedste friends with benefits. It seems like he want that… but Falls in love with me everytime he is with me… and I think i make ham in secure and nervous.
    But he pushes me away when i have slept with him. He always makes half dates appointments when we are together and are all exitement. .. only to ignore Them afterwards and if i try to make one he withdraws and gives me the silent treatment. I cant seem to make him spend time with me other than… No matter what i do. I realized it is My fault, cause in the beginning I just wanted just that. Buisy life, independent woman and all that.
    But now i am curious and want too see i we can make it work for real. But I am a fraid to give in to him and declare him My boyfriend. .. It seems as though that is what he want me to. But at the same time it Also seems as though it is more of a accomplishment thing for him. He has very low selfasteem, so I am wurried he just want the boost and the Will move on as soon as i have given in.

    I have been reading up on bdp and fear of abandonment. So I am trying something different. In stead of get mad and brake it off when he is behaving bad towards me, i am just telling him that i ned a break, explaines what he did wrong and that it doesent meen that i dont care for him or want to Hurt or manipulate him. But that i dont want to BeAround him, when he treats me bad. That we are still friends and that we can talk when he is back to normal. Is that a mistake? Will that just make him think that i am secured and loose interest?
    Also I could use some info, like this article, just where the genders are reversed.

    Really Hope you can help. And sorry for the misspelling, im danish. And he is turkish back grund. .So dont know how much is cultural and if it makes a difference.

    • I am going to be releasing an article like this for dating a male BPD. Basically what you’ve described has really hit it on the head well. And as you know, if you try to throw an ultimatum or get angry or try to control him, he’s just going to pull away. So you really need to step outside of the normal dating game that you’re used to and start playing the game in a way which he is used to playing it.

      Let me ask you this, have you ever asked him about his exes? It’s very important that you learn about his relationship history, learned what his exes were like that he was actually attached to, learn what made him want to be with his ex girlfriends consistently. You’ll learn a lot from this! There’s a lot more to cover but it will be in the article :)

  46. Rayette says:

    My name is Rayette, and I have BPD. I was diagnosed last June. I have a girlfriend who wants to understand my disorder. I am in college, and sometimes, I just need space. Is that normal? I also am visually impaired which makes having bpd even harder because I can’t see the looks on people’s faces. My family doesn’t want to understand my disorder which makes it hard to get along with them. Any help would be appreciated. I also struggle with self-harm…

    • Hi Rayette, yes wanting space is perfectly normal! It’s called being independent :) I am a very independent guy so like you, I like to have my alone time and be an introvert at times. There’s nothing wrong with this so don’t feel bad. If your partner makes you feel bad about that, then that’s a fault of her own. She should understand that being needy is unhealthy, which more people are.

      As for your family, that sucks but I understand you as well. My family doesn’t understand my path in life either. I dropped out of college to pursue my own entrepreneur businesses and projects. Now I run this website full-time. They still don’t get it. So you just gotta do what you want to do! Don’t let criticism take you down, even if it’s from people that are supposed to love and support you. I’ve never had a solid support system but that’s okay, just do your thing and let them say what they want. Haters gonna hate!

  47. I dated and married a BPD women who had undergone a significant amount of psychological counseling before we met. What I learned after 17 years of marriage is that it trained her to cover up and hide her issues. I heard family stories of her teenage years and she blamed them on her Mother, parents divorce, etc. Her Mother definitely has BPD.

    She learned to bury her issues in her work , attained PhD and had a great career. After a number of years of marriage, things got stressful at work and she started having anxiety about aging when she was close to 50. She went through a midlife crisis, but as I discovered, really became who she already was. She did a lot of crazy things and I am now trying to finish a divorce without setting her off again for the sake of my kids. She started the process five years ago.

    Because of this, I have a number of issues I’m dealing with from her and a kid who has the same issues she had. My advice, if you have the stamina to deal with this, it’s your choice and I make no judgement on a man who has this situation. Just remember, some of these issues are genetic and if you have kids, they may have the same issues and you’ll be dealing with double the stress.

    I never saw any of this coming and I would not have chosen this situation if I had known the issues. Call me weak or whatever. I will now never remarry and will maintain only physical relationships. I’ll admit I was probably a beta male initially, but have become complete alpha at this point and am not sucked in by what seems like a lot of crazy available females at my age.

    I also now theorize that Alphas are emotionally detached little kids who were hurt at some point and protect themselves by acting hardened and being able to walk away and not becoming emotionally connected in a relationship.

    • Hey JA this is a great comment, I really thank you for this.

      I completely agree with you. ‘Alpha Males’ as most men talk about it are really just butt hurt betas trying to hide their weakness. A true alpha male is one that is in complete control over their emotions, they’re like in a state of zen, nothing can knock them off their rock. But they aren’t out there advertising their badass rock. They just move through life creating their own path and minding their own business. No amount of criticism can knock them down.

      Quality women love real alpha males as I described above. Insecure women love the fake alpha male. These relationships always fail. BPD’s fall for the fake alpha male as well as the beta male because they want both that overaggressive alpha (it fills their daddy issues) as well as the nurturing side of the beta (fills their mommy issues).

      Bro, don’t feel bad. I know it sucks. But shit I commend you for taking responsibility. You’re doing an amazing thing right there. Your experience just is what it is. You’ve got kids now so your job is to be a badass father that will build them into strong men and women.

      Teach them what you’ve learned about relationships. Never bad talk the mother. Teach your kids to constantly be searching for that inner strength and peace, teach them to believe in themselves, teach them about inner confidence, strong core values, etc. NEVER put down your kids, always support their endeavors. As the man, you can provide everything your kid needs, even the nurturing side of things. Wrestle with your sons, tell your daughters how much you want to cuddle them and then tickle them for fun, just be there. Like if your son comes to you and says Daddy I want to be an astronaut. This is that rare time when you man up and you tell him ‘Son, you’ve got a world of life ahead of you. If you want to be an astronaut, then let’s do it.’ It’s no matter what they do, you support and help. That’s called being a badass dad.

      – Rick

  48. Hey Rick,

    I’ve been dating a bpd girl for about a year now and yeah we live together…or lived. I’m not sure what’s goin on right now to be honest. Anyways…

    Most of our fights comes when she’s super depressed (which is daily…). Most of the time i ask her ”what’s wrong?” and she says ”I don’t know”. Unfortunatly at first when she was telling me that i would comfort her until i realised she was crying about her ex. I stopped once i realised it and didn’t want to comfort her until she gave me a good reason, which seriously annoys her. And it’s most likely understandable. At first i was trying to be nice to her and everything until she got ”raped” by her ex i started to lose what I had for her. She NEVER did anything like that again, because i made it clear i’d leave next time and I wouldn’t lose my time.

    But still, since then my love for her kinda went down a bit. Other things like that is when she asked me to go sleep at another man’s house, a childhood friend. I said ”Do it, but don’t expect me to like it. You know what’s gonna happen…” so she threw a fit….She didn’t go but we got into so many arguments it was a mess. I usually keep my calm and try to stay neutral. But all she does is say I’m like her ex that raped her and I should be friend with her ex. She says some really meanful things and I have been warning her constantly that if she cannot talk to me properly I won’t just sit around and patiently wait till she’s done. If something doesn’t go her way she gets pissy and moody, or depressed…But still says I’m the best man she had, that she stopped thinking about suicide and self harming herself because of me.

    We’ve been appart for about 2 weeks now, I needed some serious space and think about myself…Too much is just too much when i try to stay neutral in all of this and hearing her say that im a jerk, a stupid person and anything that could hurt me (I tell her calmly I won’t stand insults and if she keeps on insulting i’ll stop talking to her…) and yesterday she did it again insulting me and everything..blaming me for the way she feels now (because we’re appart) and blaming everything on me, trying to make me feel sad for the way she’s feeling…How about what ‘I’ feel?? So I told her that I warned her multiple times and this time was the last one, it was over…

    It’s rough…I don’t even know if I’m taking the right decision, because obviously I do love her. But as strong as i can emotionally be, she’s getting to me and I was thinking that I should think about myself a little bit and work on things i can work on…She always rejected any kind of support I offered, she says she just wants a hug and doesn’t want me to get in her emotional life…I find that silly to be honest. As much as i know there should be boundaries into a person’s life, Her emotional life was affecting the both of us and my first reaction was try to help her so we could both be happy at some point…But she told me she tried everything, not even therapy could actually help her and nothing that I could offer would help her…(She was apparently rated 10/10 BPD, in montreal)

    So tell me, am I actually doing the right thing…? Oh right…and she’s pregnant, Going to give birth in 2 weeks. Gotta love when condoms break! She loves trying to make me feel bad about taking the decision to leave her and tries to put our child in the picture about it, that i’m already a bad father and would never be any good to our child for leaving her…

    • Ok well first of all, I would stop asking her so much about what’s wrong. It’s pretty obvious here what’s wrong, she’s unhappy and doesn’t like her current life situation. What you need to do is get control over your emotions which I’ve written about recently. The common problem with these types of people is that their problems and ‘disorder’ rule the relationship. As the man, you need to smash those problems. You need to be bigger than them, unaffected by them. You need to develop the skills to either fight back and smash her arguments, learn when to ignore and not get into a fight, learn when to walk away and not be afraid to lose her. These are all vital skills that when used correctly, even the most dramatic people will highly respect you. Thanks for commenting!

  49. Hey Rick. I broke up with my live-in girlfriend of 2.5 years almost a month ago. Since she had kids and no place to go, she stayed with me for a week and then moved out. Things went very badly when she left. A friend of mine ended up helping us work some things out and I believed we’d reconcile. She’d told me she couldn’t be in a relationship because she needed to work on herself and I’d always been here focus and if I became her focus again, she wouldn’t be able to focus in herself. She said she wasn’t going to live or date anyone, so she could focus on herself and her kids. We talked over the last three weeks and things seemed to be going well and then boom, she says, “I’m in love with DBAG.”

    I started doing some digging and she’d been talking to DBAG for a couple months. She’s also built up a huge story that I was abusing her and got all her friends onboard. Me and my friends have caught her in many huge lies. DBAG contacted me and said to go away. I told him, she wanted to reconcile. I showed him proof and he called me a psycho. I’ve since broken off all contact; I’m not a psycho and need peace in my life.

    She and I were “friends” on and off for years before we dated. She always seemed to be with someone. I found out that, while she was with me, she was actively texting a lot of other guys. I have an intense and stressful job that requires long hours. My time with her definitely damaged my career and relationships. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with a BPD and their moods and never-ending neediness. I think she may be BPD and bipolar.

    She has made me the bad guy for her life and I know she’ll never come back and it’s probably best that she doesn’t, as she sees no issues with her behavior. What I need is to know how to heal and move on. I love her and feel bad for her, so it’s been tough.

    • The way to heal is to be honest with yourself. Why do you love her? What is it about her that you love? Is this love out of your own neediness and lack of self love? Since it probably is, you need to work on your own self here and learn to just enjoy yourself without the needs of others. I’m not saying to isolate yourself off from the world, but happiness only comes from within. You cannot find happiness in others, that’s called codependency and we all know how that turns out…

  50. ress freds says:

    They are beyond help. . . sadly.

    • Only if you have no idea what you’re dealing with.

      However, EDUCATION is a very potent weapon. The more you understand and are aware of BPD and the behaviors of your partner, the more equipped and battle-ready you will be.

      These relationships aren’t difficult when you know what’s going on.

  51. Christin Parker says:

    I have been diagnosed BPD and I have to agree it take a strong and stupid man to be with a girl like me. I think some guys will completely disagree with you and get really offended by what you wrote and that is fine. These are the guys that need to run far far away from woman like me. It will save both the guy and the girls time and heartache.

    • Yeah I mean it’s not for every guy. But I just know from all the traffic and popularity my site has that most people just convince themselves that their partner has BPD, when the reality is that the guy’s just have an ego and don’t want to admit that the relationship can be improved if they simply spent some time learning more about relationships, how attraction works, how to be a man, improving self-image, and so on…

  52. Monica says:

    I just ruined my relationship and the past obv.

    I am seeing a therapist but we are at early stages. I have been analysing my actions and state of mind in the past 10 years and this morning i came up with a question: do i have a mental disorder? I started researching , I am not bipolar – i don’t have a dependency disorder but somehow there are level of degrees where those can appear…. i kept on searching and I did arrive at the borderline disorder.

    well, I am starting to doubt that i what i do have but by never wanting to look for help I have never came to the realisation that maybe i do have a disorder and so I never tried to change and i just behaved the way I did for the past god knows how long and I damaged myself and the people around.

    I still don’t know if I do have it or it is just my assumption and I hope my therapist will guide me through this,

    • I mean if you want my honest opinion, I think everybody has some sort of issue or issues going on lol. So whether you have BPD or not isn’t the answer you need. The answer you need is to figure out what you’re doing (based on the past) that’s causing problems. Once you can pin point these things, you can work on the issues. But the key is dropping the ego and accepting that you have issues. Again, most people have issues. And most people have huge egos which keep us from addressing our issues. Why do you think 90% of relationships end in failure? Exactly. It’s much more than just a BPD thing.

  53. Daniel says:

    Hi I have a girl friend with BPD, We are in love and most of the time its very wonderfull but when she feels hurt or scared it comes out very negative . I have found its best to stand strong and not allow her to walk over me , give her space and time and she recovers fast. I have found I need to be the alpha at all times or you dont have a chance ,but also I need to care listen learn and understand her side everyday. at first it was very hard now its much better. she is a wonderfull person and she tries to get better all the time she works very hard . I want to say all people have clicks no one is perfect not me not her or you . We have spoken about marrage and its along way away but I think seperat rooms will help so she can have her retreat and mine as well . I find it good for her to go out with her friends and me with mine not to be joined at the hip. we trust each other and talk alot about what we did. Im no pro at this im learning Thanks Dan

    • The problem is that most men are betas. So they get owned in these relationships. BPD’s are pretty independent and alpha by nature (due to past events) so you just have to match them with that alphatude as a man. It isn’t difficult when you figure this out :)

  54. Aidan says:

    My partner and I are both 23 years old, we have a beautiful daughter together… She has been going though a lot in the last few months. She moved out from my parents place and moved back in with her parents. She was diagnosed with PD 2 days ago and since she got home she realised the reason she is who she is today is because of her dad. I saw her for an hour. Have our daughter a kiss and walked out the door. She’s now staying with a friend none of know who he/she is… She’s told me she loves me and our daughter and to trust her. She is the love of my life and was planning on asking her to marry me this week, but she’s just up and gone. She said she needed space from everything and everyone.

    Life is hard right now but I have to be strong for my daughter.

    • Yup my advice is to just let her go do her thing. Don’t chase. Kind of fucked up but hey we live in a fucked up world.

  55. Cameron Bridges says:

    Hey Rick
    This is actually a teenager speaking (Yes I agree, the fact that I’m a teenager is just a huge red flag and I shouldn’t even try to be in a relationship with this girl during high school especially since she is 2 years younger than me) and I’ve screwed up badly (BADLY) with this one girl that I unfortunately still want to be with. I’m not letting the fact that I still have feelings for her control my life, but I kind of did let it do that for almost 3 weeks at one point. Basically at this point I just wanna try and be her friend from now on (if that’s as far as I’ll ever be able to go) because she said she wanted things to go back to normal. I’m not exactly sure what I should do because 1.) I have to see her everyday during band class 2.) I’ve never really educated myself on BPD (but thanks to this site I’m finally doing so). I’m don’t know how to act in front of her now that she definitely realizes I’ve let go of the past and that I don’t NEED her and because of that I constantly keep catching her staring at me like she is upset about something even when she is not having mood swings (not that I’m always checking to see if she’s looking at me).
    I would definitely love to be with her again but only if she’s not gonna walk all over me like she did before when I tried to get her back the first time. I want to know how to the flame. Unfortunately I’ve said somethings I didn’t mean in the past so even if I apologize now I don’t think it will matter will it?
    All in all I just hate having to see her so upset about things whether it’s a mood swing or just something that’s actually bothering her and I want to know of ways to show her that I actually do care about her greatly and I want to know of ways to be a person that she can be around who wont ever judge her, or complain, or be impatient, etc.

    • For your case, you are big into people-pleasing girls. So, stop trying to please her. You’re young so I would recommend you spend the next several years developing your masculinity: both physically and mentally. Women don’t like pleasers, they don’t like needy guys, they don’t like guys with low testosterone and no masculinity. This is what I would focus on if I was in my teens and early 20’s, all the way through 30’s.

  56. Cathy says:

    Rick –

    Love this site! I’m BPD but 15 years absent symptoms. By that I mean I don’t feel crazy or unstable. Bottom line – if you are not an Alpha we will destroy you. I’m sorry. We can play mind fk with the best of them and would prefer to be dominated in the brain.

    I’ve been accused of “treating men like diapers” for so many years and my last two relationships were with Alpha’s who kicked my A** & I loved dearly.

    I’m only doing research right now online to ensure I’m past all of my what ?? 30 potential “symptoms”. I’m being very cognisant of my behavior so I don’t sabotage my engagement. I no longer cheat. I’m 100% honest at all times. I put my partner’s needs before mine. I respect him completely. If I cop an attitude he gives me that look and I know who’s in charge.

    We DO grow out of BPD. BPD is just a term for “sick player who hasn’t grown up yet b/c she was sexually abused”

    I don’t know a single BPD who will treat a Beta male well. . . . I mean they are great for bringing your lunch.

    Thanks for offering up the fact we are not CRAZY, just difficult:) and potentially punishing the men who hurt us in the past. . ..

    • WOW lol one of the most realist comments I’ve gotten from a woman in a long time! Thanks for telling it how it is from your perspective. Men, take notes…

  57. LivingRob says:

    Hi Rick, First I just want to say how glad I am that I found your site first when looking into relationship advice for dating a girl with BPD. We’ve been dating for half a year and things were going very well from my perspective, when I still thought I was dating someone without a disorder. I pride myself as being highly emotionally intelligent but I am going through hell at the moment because she cheated on me. This is the first time anyone has cheated on me and I’m sure you know the physical and emotional torment this can cause. I’ve been keeping a journal on my thoughts and I have worked out through this reflection that she is somewhere on the spectrum. There have been signs and things she has done that allowed me to piece this together in retrospect and reflection. These I was luckily able to act on early, like telling her whenever she said “I hate you” all I hear is “I love you”; as well as being very consistent matching my words to actions and keeping my emotions in check around her. She cheated on my with a co-worker who she idealizes and he was enough of an ass to use her for sex in a situation in which she was vulnerable. I haven’t talked to her in over a week, and I won’t talk to her until I am better able to process all of this. I’m fully committed to getting what I want out of the relationship at this point and I will be strong in that regard. I’m working on what she needs to do to be forgiven, and if these things aren’t met I will leave her. I still may leave her because honestly I’m not that strong willed of a guy, and would need to get much better at laying down the law and not bending to her whims. I’m just wondering how I can function in a relationship with someone who has the propensity to cheat on me because the internal battle she faces every day warrants sexual escapism. I don’t know if I can go through this heartbreak every time she breaks down herself and finds an alternative sexual partner. Any advice on how I should handle this? Even though I may not always be able to be there for her in the same way I was before I still care for her deeply. I want to make sure she’s ok, but the duality between being strong and comforting her is really difficult to grasp right now. Thanks in advance.

    • You’re gonna disagree with me here, but that’s okay. Just listen closely: she cheats on you because she no longer finds you attractive. That’s really all there is to it. You have filled your head with all this BS about the why, you’re blaming the co-worker, you’re blaming her BPD. This is all just wrong thinking on your part. Women want a certain type of attitude in a man and you (currently) don’t have that. I can tell just by reading what you wrote here. She’s bored of you, she wants something new. You just don’t give her that spark. You need to be realistic here and deal with the real problem: you. Not her. Her cheating has NOTHING to do with this ‘internal battle’ you speak of. She cheated on you because she found a guy that makes her feel alive. Don’t blame him. Don’t blame her.

  58. Eric Meyers says:

    A friend I was in a relationship 25 years ago friended me on social media a few years ago. She was married (2nd time after leaving me heartbroken for the first marriage). So, it turned out I was glad to hear from her after all the years and we became friends again only on the internet. Then about a year later the second marriage, which was not going well, was in divorce court and she needed me for tking etc.. She was staying at a cousin’s house. The divorce was difficult and involved 3 minors. Eventually, after we became more close I invited her to live with me and my ex who was now my room mate. My ex owns the home and we shared with another male friend of mine. I was in flux myself but all this was discussed and all were cool with the situation at the time, especially me and my ex who owned the house. Anyway, my love required a lot pf special attention and I couldn’t handle it. She asked for a commitment which I said, sure no problem, until death, but didn’t produce the ring and official proposal fast enough. Issues of my ex were brought up by her and I tried to put them in perspective but she was adamant, accusatory, even angry and this caused a lot of problems. She started going out and staying overnight at much older men’s homes which caused problems and she said it was the same thing as me living under the same roof as my ex. Eventually I asked why she even was with me and asked her to leave. She said it would require a court order. During all this I was shuttling her to job interviews, divorce court 60 miles away, etc.. My ex, who liked her initially, didn’t trust her anymore. Eventually she started staying weekends at an older gentleman’s home who was much more wealthy. Then she moved in with him and I was just a friend, for a while. My ex’s best friend had got her a job and this gentleman and her had been friends for over 25 years, bit were friends with benefits for about 4 years since his divorce. I had been arranging to move out into an apartment so my love and I would be happier. The best friend needed to move out and was going to take the room my love and I slept in. That’s when the affair with the older man started at first. My love never apologized but seemed to torture me with it. The older man said nothing to my ex’s best friend but basically dumped her for my love. My love told me “he’s a friend”. Eventually I moved out when I said I would and still had contact with my love. I would still see her on occasion and was being a “friend”, though I would lose it from time to time. Well, months later she showed up at a training class for another temp job (election) I got her many months back and we started becoming intimate again and she asked if I wanted to be with her. Of course I did, I never stopped wanting to be with her. Anyway, the old man would be out of town the next week and that would be a good opportunity to get her things… So, after she moved in with me there were two blowouts. The first one caused me to take her things to her parents, 60 miles away. She moved back in a few days. Then there was another blowout in which she called the cops and they ended up escorting her out instead of me thank God. I wanted my key and was mean and nasty and told her to go back to the old man. She claimed my apartment was hers and had a check (from the election) to prove it, but it was in my car and the cops refused to allow her to get it or write an incident report. I told her a few days later her stuff would be at the police station and she was difficult but the exchange took place. Of course I am feeling bad and none of this should have had to be if I had just not reacted as I did. It was all because she was giving me a hard time about my ex and my ex’s best friend who I was still in contact with which upset her greatly and she was drinking and smoking in my apartment and threatening to re-friend the old man. Should I feel as bad about this as I do? Yes, I am madly in love with her but she doesn’t want to be fair, or honest and is always 100% innocent “without a mean bone in her body”. That’s the outline of events. I did not say everything. She refuses to talk to me and I’m sure she is smearing me about being abusive etc.. I happen to know she is back at the old man’s who she told me was crude and using her like a toy. He had his hands full and does again by choice apparently, and I would like to be her friend but she is not happy with me but that’s nothing new. I’m basically leaving her alone but I feel bad because this is probably humiliating to her, as it is excruciating to me.

    • My advice for you is actions speak louder than words. So learn to judge based on the actions and not on the words you hear from people. This will always reveal the truth.

  59. Ashley says:

    Hi im 25 and ive been diagnosed with bpd and now in a year program to get better the dialetical threapy. My ex broke up with me a year ago due to this as i went crazy after the breakup and had major trust issues and to clingy. Hes just came back after a year saying he wants to hang out as friends to see if i have changed and wants me to prove to him. He knows im in this program and also unsure but willing to take the risk to see if ive changed. We have been on and off sleeping together since we broke up. How can i show him im changing if we are hanging out as friends as ive just started this program and its going to be a life battle but i want him back but i know no guareentees but i want to prove to him i can change

    • The way you prove it is you just commit to him. Along with this commitment, you’ll have to control your emotions as best as possible and have trust for him. Like you said, it takes time. Relationships are a life-long battle so no need to be worried about that. Just commit to him, control your emotions, have fun, be positive. If after all that he can’t commit to you, then it’s him that’s the problem and not you.

      • Ashley says:

        I cant commit if he just wants to be friends. He wants me to prove ti him as a friend

        • Ashley says:

          He says things like you did not txt me for a whole day im impressed. How can i prove as a friend. Does he want me to not have mood swings or be txting him hardout etc?

          • Haha, it’s like he’s playing the games that women usually play ;)

            The answer to this game is to just not play into it. If he wants you to prove yourself to him, I would be like ‘Nah I have enough friends, don’t need anymore. I’m looking for something more than friends so if you’re not that then I’m outta here.’

  60. Alone and lonely says:

    I was dating a girl who I believe is BPD. We lived together for a year but our relationship was either very good or very bad. She has problems with abandonment, trust, she constantly must have me change my ways because according to her I am always wrong, I gave her all the emotional support she would say I lacked in showing to her. I have altered my life according to her and I’m still wrong. She shows me just enough love to be able to take it away. I was a single dad of 2 before meeting her; however, her and I together have only celebrated one holiday together, thanksgiving. All the other holidays she would create problems from absolutely nothing and leave for a day or until I try to fix things with her. She has never come back after a disagreement, I always reached out to her. I can not remotely discuss with her anything that would be negative about her. She freaks out and blames me for anything else to divert the topic of conversation. I have been engaged to her for almost a year now. Well she left again yesterday. I guess my question is, if she really loves me, will she come back? (I am not chasing her anymore) And if she does come back, do you think we have any hope?

    • Well she really lost a lot of attraction for you because you altered your life for her. That’s just not attractive to women. As the man, you’re supposed to run the show and do what’s good for YOU. Since when were women the designated leader in relationships? You gave her that leadership role and it killed the attraction…

  61. I’ve been on and off with my current bpd girlfriend for the past few years and always wondered why things turned out the same way. Things would be great to start with and then the issues would start. Any time I tried to raise any issues she would immediately get angry and accuse me of either over reacting or just change the subject and out me down over something completely unrelated. I tried making her see logic and sense but it always ended up in fights. Things just got worse over time to the point where she was telling me she hated me. After our most recent breakup, I came across your website while researching and its changed the way I think about things entirely! She had such a good way of convincing me that I was the problem. I know realise that I was contributing by the way I was reacting to her behaviour. I bought your book and listened to the audio package multiple times. Recently she told me that she knows I’m the one and wants to be with me no matter what. After a great week she starts being insecure and pushing me away again. I tried raising issues with her calmly and she pushed me away and got angry. I left her alone and the. She got angry because I didn’t chase after her. She’d send me some bullshit message the next day and expect me to come running back with open arms. I calmly told her that I didn’t want a relationship where my concerns wouldn’t be listened to and where I’d be pushed away for no reason. At first she said “point taken” but then immediately proceded to get angry and started putting me down again. I told her to call me when she was prepared to talk calmly and listen and listen to what I had to say. I got a couple of abusive messages and then silence. It’s been a day and a half since I heard from her. I feel like I’ve finally taken a stand and I feel good about that. Im not sure if I’ll hear from her because she’s super stubborn and thinks I’m the one in the wrong. I Wanna leave it and get her to come to me but its tough given Christmas is next week and we have plans together leading up to it. I don’t wanna seem petty but I also want her to know that I won’t take her shit anymore. Shall I just continue leaving the ball in her court and going about my life as normal? Thanks again Rick!

    • There’s been a lot of time that’s gone by of you making mistakes. So it just takes time for the girl to come around. What you need to prepare for is WHEN she comes around. Are you going to make the mistakes of the past or use these new skills you’ve learned? That’s what it will all come down to bro.

  62. My fiance of 2 years moved into my home and we continued a journey toward what I thought was going to be a happy ending. What was to happen next had happened in the past several times, but with exponentially greater intensity and inflictment of pain.

    While on a business trip, I received a text from her from out of the blue that ‘our relationship is over, I have moved out….don’t try to contact me’. I attempted to call and text her but she had blocked me from contact. I tried to call family and friends to another text of a threat to call the police if I did so again.

    I figured that she needed a couple of days or weeks to collect herself and speak through whatever problems she was experiencing in our relationship. I called from a hotel on another business trip and sent a couple of ‘lets talk’ emails. This was met with a threat to file a restraining order from a lawyer friend if I attempted to contact her again. She blocked me on all social media and even went as far as to compel mutual friends and her family to do the same. It was very hurtful and confusing to my young daughter (who came to love her and regard her as a step parent already) and I. I attempted to send her a letter several weeks ago and it was returned ‘refused’ and unopened.

    As a way of helping to understand the episode, I began to try to research what had occurred here on the web. All fingers seemed to point to her behavior as being the cause of her being raised in an alcoholic environment. It seemed to make a lot of sense until I came across several articles on BP which seem to be even more consistent with what had occurred. At least in the way that she had exited our relationship. In most of the case studies that I have read so far, they all seem to have a pattern very similar to the one above. While I do not know what she is saying to her family and friends, she was treated extraordinarily well so I am certain it is something related to how horribly I had treated her. Is this all typical?

    I am looking for some guidance here from those that might have had a similar experience – open speculation is ok as well. The crazy thing here is that I fell deeply in love with her, and while I feel that it would be not terribly difficult to replace her, that she was THE one.

    First and foremost, is she ok? What is she feeling? What is she telling people? What is her intention? Should I go after her? Should I wait? Should I write her off as a casualty? Is it ACOA or BP?

    • Well when you first noticed that you were blocked and all that, that’s when you should have stopped contacting her. Simply digging further and further trying to contact her only made these worse. But I understand that you’re trying because you’re confused. There’s really no saying whether this is BPD or not. She simply could have found out about something you did or whatever. Who really knows. Perhaps you’re not sharing the full story here…

      Regardless, people that would rather run away than openly communicate issues are horrible partners to begin with. Save yourself the trouble and find a girl that will bring up issues instead of running away.

  63. Denise G says:

    I think Roman and Rick guy are both right in areas on bpd. I’ve had female friends with this, keeping strong distance and boundaries really helped. Though they never change and would loose interest in hanging with me to find codependents who would put up with them and their constant need for attention. But like Rick states there are tools you can learn. Now do they spend all this energy and study for you? No they don’t,

    • You’d be surprised how often these BPD’s are reading magazines and articles and such just like we do. The difference is that we all struggle with change. Most people with BPD just don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. So you can’t be trying to help them if that makes sense. It will do you no good.

  64. Hi Rick,
    I’m embarking on my first truly remarkable journey with a BPD diagnosed woman. I’m not going to spend a lot of time espousing the merits of how she makes me feel because anyone who knows, already knows.
    She was open about her condition from the beginning and told me straight up I needed to do some research. She told me she was likely to destroy me emotionally. She tells me on a pretty frequent basis she hates me. I moved past that part quickly. I know she has a lot of itches that need scratched and the need to hate me is just one of them.
    So I did my research and it scared me to death. About half of what I’ve read starts off telling me to turn and run my ass in the other direction. The other half tell me to get a therapist on speed dial because I’m going to need it when she eventually crushes me.
    We talk about it enough. I think it’s pretty easy for her to see it’s important to me to know where she’s coming from. Whether she wants to admit it or not, I can tell, or at least I think I can tell, she appreciates my need to understand her condition.
    I envision myself in situations that run out of control and how I’ll handle them. We had an interaction that had me off balance near the beginning of our situation where she’d convinced herself I might not be real. Logic would not work, she had to find her own way to draw the correct conclusion which she eventually did. I didn’t really know what was going on when it happened. I was a novice and just kind of walked through the whole experience with a high level of confusion.
    I understand that it’s her condition that causes some of the issues we face and are going to face. I worry about my ability to remember that Idea when the time comes. As I said above I “practice.” This woman is very important to me. Important enough for me to look at myself and understand the chinks in my own armor. Important enough for me to clearly state my boundaries regardless of what that statement may mean. It always feels like it’s going to be a bigger issue than it turns out to be when you’re honest enough to tell someone what your bottom line is.
    I’ve read a hundred things about how these girls can make you feel and I understand each and every one of them because I’m living it and want to continue living it.
    I’m glad I found your site. It’s hard to find positive information that provides even the slightest glimmer of hope for how this is likely to turn out. Thanks man.

    • Thanks for the comment, you’re definitely going to be on an interest journey that’s for sure. There’s a lot to learn. What I can offer you immediately is that you can’t be a softy in these relationships. Don’t be afraid to bring out that dominant, aggressive side of yours. Don’t be afraid to create conflict. Good luck!

      • I’m becoming a very patient man Rick and I love that she does that for me. It’s been a pretty intense couple of weeks and she’s cooling off a bit. We are absolutely still together and everything is amazing. I think in general people want to keep feeling good when things are going well and have a tendency to push. Can’t do in this situation. It’s an amazing learning experience so far – for both of us I think but how the hell should I know…lol.
        In a post below mine there’s a guy commenting about nice guys and this an that and I wanted to say something about it. It’s not about being nice guy or being a jerk or being anything but who you are. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you and there’s nothing wrong with it. It doesn’t make you less of anything or more of anything. I once read that it’s no one’s business what anyone else thinks of you. I think that idea makes a lot of sense. Might be a good idea to spend a bit more time figuring what he thinks about himself instead of worrying about what nice guys deserve.
        I consider myself a bit of an alpha male and I’m not an ass hole. It’s a very rare occasion that she will take my help with anything and when she does I make it a point to not make a deal out of it. I tell her she’s welcome but we’re not going to talk about it any more. I go out of my way to show her I have no intention of “possessing” her in any way shape or form. I can’t say that what I have for her is unconditional because I sat some boundaries very early on – within those boundaries, my feelings are absolutely unconditional. It seems to work for us and hopefully it continues to work for us. Only time will tell. She’s an amazing woman.

        • I get a comment like this once out of about 100. You are one of the few men in this world that get it. You really do. All you have to do is continue on the path you’re on and you’ll be fine. I’m trying my hardest to help more men and women understand as you do. It’s like you said, who gives a flying F what other’s think. Just focus on yourself. I’m a nice, alpha male as well. That’s what wins. So I truly thank you for your comment, I really hope a lot of men will read it. And yeah unconditional love is phony. If you need anything just let me know!

  65. Jordan says:

    Hey Rick thank you for the great advice I just wanted to some help. I’m dating a girl with bpd right now and I’m having allot of problems. I really love her but she is to possesive over me she doesn’t like me having friends or going out to have fun it seems like no matter what I do if it’s something I like she hates it it’s kinda like she is jealous of me being happy or something. She will be fine for a while but then all of a sudden she wi’ll be kinda distant for a few days she don’t want me to kiss her or hold her or anything and when we fight she will say she hates me and get real hurtful (none of wich bothers me really anymore). I just want to be happy with her but it seems hopeless sometimes, she use to take meds for bpd but will not admit she has it and stopped taking it and if I even try to mention it or try to help her with she will deny it completely and get mad. She does live me and I see now that it’s a mistake. Any tips or advice would be amazing please.

    • When she gets distant or whatever, just let her be. When she gets mad or jealous, tell her that this is who you are and if she isn’t going to learn to accept that, then you can’t be with her. She wants you to lay down the law here and tell her how it is. Remember that these women usually have daddy issues so they sort of need you to be that big daddy lol. So stand up for yourself, tell her that she’s acting like a 12 year old and that she should stop dating you and find a bum to date if she doesn’t like your positive lifestyle.

  66. Allow Bierce says:

    Why bother with these nasty jerks? Find someone nice and respectful.

    • Because most of them actually aren’t nasty people — they just get nasty with you when the relationship becomes too dysfunctional (due to your lack of understanding of BPD). But keep denying this fact and hating on me. I find it amusing…

  67. I am 29 y/o and I’ve struggled with BPD and PTSD and rad and recently admitting to some type of sex addiction which is just so embarrassing) and I don’t think struggled is even the right word more like destroyed. I can’t keep a relationship. I’m too psycho. I’ve had so much trauma and I was raised by a nutjob I just can’t get past it. And I’m not talking about romantic relationships which I cannot keep those either. My longest relationship was three years long and I probably cheated on him more than 3/4 of the time. And still today 7 or 8 years later I cry about him. How I messed up. I can’t keep relationships with family members or friends even my own kids. I’m sorry for the rant but I moved to a different state in October and I still haven’t been able to see a doctor or go to therapy and it’s something I’ve been doing since I’ve been ten. So I’m just reaching out to anyone that can just say anything back to me because I have no one to talk to I can’t put this shit on Facebook and my boyfriend just doesn’t understand. He’s all like just think about something else or stop focusing on the past and everything will be great kinda person.

    • Well for your case, I think what you need is your own alone time to really immerse yourself in books and self-education. Therapy doesn’t work all the time as I point out a lot. I really think you should get into reading because let’s be honest, you live in a free society. Can you imagine growing up in north korea or some other shit hole? So try to think bigger than yourself, think about how grateful it is to have some of the things you have. You have it MUCH better than a lot of people.

  68. Frank says:

    Hi Rick,

    I just split with a BPD girl after 2 years and a lot of what you said here has made sense. At the start of the relationship I was not too available and was unsure of the relationship which meant I could call the shots and she worshipped me for it. After I committed, I started taking a lot of flak and criticism and for the most part I could hold my own and make her realise I would not budge on most issues. The problem was when she was down I would try and cheer her up with gifts and gestures to show I care. The things I could not stand were the grey lines for respect however whenever I tried to be dominant in these situations then she viewed them as control and resented me for having jealousy issues though in my mind they were justified. We had a fight as I didnt like the advances of a colleague and so she intentionally went out with the guy as revenge. When I made her realise how messed up that was she flipped the issue onto me having jealousy issues. At this point I tried to save the relationship and was open to her opinion. In doing so it looks like I lost the alpha male status and things gradually went down hill from there. She has finished with me as I didnt talk to her with love and respect however it seems as though her respect of me is what has caused the issue. Im trying to go no contact but after the drama of the relationships I probably wont return to this situation even though I do love and care about her deeply. Your insight has been most helpful.

    • You the relationship was doomed when you thought that getting her gifts and gestures would show that you care. But, affection never keeps a relationship together. Relationships need structure, and you’re going to need a lot more than just gifts and being nice. You definitely need to change up your mindsets my friend. This will help you immensely with your relationships.

  69. Hi Rick
    You keep saying that a man can have a relationship with BPD woman. I see your point of view and it is nice that you see BPD as a (can work) relationship. I understand and I think is nice to want to help this women. But at what cost? In order to help someone; that someone needs to want to help themselves. This women are looking for a better man always! How can you help or want to help a person like that?! A person that doesn’t appreciate you for who you are but yet they expect you do do everything for them. No matter how much we do for them it’s never enough and never will. We also need to be loved, All i heard in your articles is that we have to do the all work and the letter from one of your BPD women you posted is so rear and yes it is possible tha one in a million realises their disorder and work on them self.
    I had two of this relationships, i was married to one and right after divorce went right to another BPD relationship because thats all i knew.
    I think this women are broken and need a lot of work, You have mentioned a lot on your writings that it requires us doing most of the work. I think this women are broken and even if you do all the work; with out their help we are hopeless. A relationship with a BDP is exhausting and needs a lot of efforts on our side and for what?! Work so hard and wont be appreciated and you are still the bad guy for your partner. I think you should also start writing about how this relationships effect and scars man forever and create a chain reaction to other women. I like and enjoy your reading but you have to choose your words a little; (need warning label) when encouraging this men in being with this women. A relationship is a two way street and for it to work it needs both parties to comply with each other and not one side do all the work. Obviously for this men and women to be in this relationships have to do something on how they were brought up, I think thats where you have to start by saying that one needs to work on them self and be more realisist about their selfs and times we live. I think this women should be loved only if they are capable of working on them selfs. No one is perfect and we all look at our selfs in the mirror and reflect on our problems. I think man should stay away from this women unless you have a PHD in psychology to deal with them. They will drain and suck you dry no matter how hard you try or don’t and believe me i have tried all alternatives. The best way for man is to love them self and be with someone that wants to be with you and works on your relationship, shares the load with you not gives you the load.
    I really wanted to express my point of view and again for all those men out there struggling with this relationships, just read all the comments in here! Such a terrifying stories righ!

  70. Thunder Walk says:

    Hi, what a relief to find others in my situation… I’d like to share my experience with the most wonderful, beautiful and loving girl a man could hope for. With BPD.
    I’m just turning 50, have a business setup that affords me a modest income, have some property, and a have just emerged from a 33 year “marriage” with the most talented, good hearted, open minded, caring yet egocentric diva anyone could hope to meet. We met as teenagers, fell in love and have been together for ever with a wonderful daughter who is now a wonderful woman with a brilliant career. But not everything was rosy in that relationship – namely our sex went from bad to worse to no sex. It was my fault, I just couldn’t find my partner attractive sexually anymore. So when she couldn’t handle the humiliation of my constant denial, she asked me to leave. Which I did and we separated.
    After 6 months during vacation I met a beautiful 25 year old girl who au paired for my friends’ kids. I did not make any advances but just made small talk and it turned out we had the same interest in literature, art and sports. Despite my age I look much younger and am healthy, fit and handsome and perhaps that’s why she began to clearly lead me into a romance which I couldn’t resist.
    Soon we spent a weekend together in my summer house and had some great sex. Which turned her on so much that she texted me that I’m a god in bed and she has never ever had been so high. WOW – you can imagine what a turn around that was for me!
    After that we were all over each other, texting for hours, skyping for days, reading books to each other, whispering sweet love…OMG it was intense! And I began to understand her past. She was an orphan adopted at an early age by her foster parents and had stable loving family. However, having slept with dozens of boys and ending a 2 year toxic relationship, she began having mental problems, and was admitted to a mental hospital for therapy which lasted for 6 months (she was an outpatient) where she was diagnosed with BPD . She did some meds and psychotherapy and was discharged as stabilized. 2 years passed with no relationships or sex and then she met me.
    I learned that she is into kinky sex, mild S&M, bondage, has group experience, has friends with benefits and so on. Fine by me, as she was so clingy and close to me as I could ever hope for, always telling me I was the best that happened in her life. So I fell in love and told her that and offered to become her partner and husband if she wished. She told me that the L word makes her sick and that she would one day disappear and that I should not hedge all my bets on her. Then she started to be like: “get off me, don’t touch me, you’re obsessed, I don’t want to be caressed” and so on.
    We then had a 7 day winter brake together in idyllic surroundings with great food, sex and drink. After 3 days back, she told me she wasn’t sure about our relations anymore and had “terrible doubts”.
    So because she lives in another town, during my last visit there things begun to cool off. Now I’m trying to keep in touch but she is closing down all our comm channels and asking questions like: ” will I be her friend always” etc.
    So the closer I got to her the further away she runs. I now suspect she is into a younger date, she keeps me unaware of her activities, goes to surprise parties and generally is breaking away.
    But I now understand that I need to keep clear, leave her be and get on with my life. Thank you Rick for a chance to understand where I’m at.

    • This story is really just another example of what happens when you put too much importance on sex – which most guys do with BPD relationships and thus the relationship fails. But, I also get it because sometimes the girl is very sexual. And that’s cool! Don’t get me wrong. But, you still shouldn’t be making sex such a big deal as most men do.

      • Spacer says:

        Rick, thing is she was the one initiating our sexual relationship. She had an obvious crush on me and it showed!. What should I have done then? Resist, postpone, temper this desire? Is that what you are suggesting? That one should not have a sexual relation with a BPD girl?

        • If she’s only calling/texting you to come over and fuck her, then you’re not really in a relationship. You’re just fuck buddies, even if you’re exclusive. The issue that a lot of guys run into here is that they quickly fall in love with the girl simply because the sex is good, lol. This is obviously irrational…

  71. Larry says:

    Your an idiot

  72. Hi RIck,
    I’ve commented on here a couple times and I just wanted to pass along some information that may be helpful to others in similar situations. I’ve been in a relationship with a woman with BPD for several months and, to say the least, she keeps me on my toes.
    I sometimes get into these things where I fall back into old habits that aren’t overly healthy. I’m aware of that about me and I work on it daily. The work I do regarding my weakness actually improves my life in other areas.
    Am I close to her. Absolutely. I enjoy her, her company, her personality, the depth of her intellect. The whole package. But there’s something I’ve come to understand. There are things you have to accept in a relationship with a BPD that you don’t necessarily see in other relationships and that’s why I’m commenting today.
    We were hanging out the other day and had an amazing time. We get along well. We give each other a bit of a hard time because it’s in our personality. We also have some personal goals that aren’t divergent which is probably a good thing.
    So I was talking to her about our most recent visit and I, for what ever reason, was falling all over myself to tell her how amazing she is and how great of a time I had and that I couldn’t wait to see her again.
    Her response? “Back off or you’re going to push me away.” I have to admit, it set me back for a second. Maybe it’s because things have been going so well or because I was attempting to pour my heart out or for some other reason. But, it stung a little…And that’s ok. Sometimes it’s going to.
    So how do you handle that kind of comment? Get into a yelling argument about how much your feeling don’t matter? Run off and feel sorry for yourself for a couple days? Maybe. I’m sure all of those choices are bound to make you feel better in the short term.
    I chose a different method. I told her I understood and I would back off, but in return, when she needed me to back off in the future she would do the same thing she had done this time and tell me I need to give her some space. She called me a douche bag and told me to stop telling her what she needed to do…then she agreed that she would do just that.
    If you’re in this kind of situation and you’re feelings are easily hurt or recover slowly, you may be trying to live the wrong life. But that’s ok, it’s not for everyone. Things will happen that feel personal that really aren’t. The worst thing you can do is settle for what one of these things CAN turn in to and focus on what it IS. It’s a lot of patience building and a lot of looking in on yourself to make sure it’s what you want. I don’t claim to be an expert and I don’t claim to have any answers or a formula, but complaining is wasted effort because it doesn’t solve anything. If you find yourself on the bad side of what one of these interactions can become just don’t forget it’s about what’s best for you and you should react accordingly.
    As for me, even though I don’t think it will happen, I could very well be back on here tomorrow night telling you that she’s gone. I’m confident that won’t happen but you never can tell. But then again, you never can tell for sure that something like that won’t happen in a “normal” relationship.
    I get some funny looks when I talk about it, but my relationship is enlightened if nothing else. In my view, if you get something out of a relationship that helps you to stand back and look at a situation as a whole and not react to stimuli simply because it hurts or causes a little emotional strife, then you’ve already won.
    It’s a beautiful life my friend. A gift – and I certainly enjoy opening it every day. (I’m glad you’re here….if I tried to have this conversation with her she’d tell l me to put my vagina away).

    • Nice, looks like you’re understanding how these relationships work. But what’s silly is that this is how all healthy relationships are. I’ve never heard of a healthy relationship where a guy tells a girl how much he loves hanging out with her and can’t wait to see her. That’s like needy level 1000. No normal, healthy woman wants to hear that so it’s not even a BPD thing – it’s just not a turn on to see a man be needy. This is why men just need to not be so needy and sensitive. It is so unmanly.

  73. whinybatch says:

    I am not positive that I have this or not yet as I just stumbled across it all but I do believe I have this, the symptoms all seem to fit me and a lot of these comments seem to be about my relationships. I am suffering from something and I am not sure what exactly and I am too scared to go to the drs, i even had a drs appt set up this week and 30 mins prior to the appointment my anxiety got so high and i got so overwhelmed that i drove home and took an all day nap instead. I am starting to not be able to function at all in life. since getting involved with the guy I am with off and on now I have suffered from severe depression and have lost both of my jobs since November and i have also failed all my college classes. This is not like me at all. November i had a friend pass away after getting ran over by a cop, my brother was in a serious car accident, i walked out of my job and my boyfriend started cheating on me all within two weeks of each other. I haven’t been the same since and neither have we. I fell hard for him but he will ignore me for days and days as a form of punishment (or maybe he is just trying to escape and go back to his ex I don’t know, he refuses to explain anything to me) he cheats on me and he completely disregards my feelings our relationship has been off and on again about every two weeks since november and its soooooo exhausting, I am curious if he is the one that suffers from this or if it is me and he can’t handle it and just wants to go back to his calm ex girlfriend i don’t know. He blames me for everything from the fighting to the cheating(Says I am selfish and am not affectionate enough) It’s so strange because we get in the worse fights telling each other how much we hate the other one and not sure why we ever got with each other in the first place, we block each other off of social sites and our phones and call each other the worst names we can think of and then we are right back together confessing our love to each other within 1-3 days. It’s a whirlwind and we are both suffering but can’t seem to keep it together or keep it apart if that makes sense. We can hardly go 3 days without speaking to each other, the longest we have been is a week now but last weekend I caught him at his ex’s house again after a week of no troubles and me trying extremely hard to keep my crazy at bay. I am trying very hard to stay away and keep him out of my life but it’s so hard, I don’t want to lose him at all and I have NEVER been successful at fully removing anyone from my life no matter how bad the pain gets or what they have done to me. I don’t know if I have high levels of tolerance, faith in people or if it’s pure ignorance or a combination of mental disorders but i feel like i am “normal”. whatever the cause it’s very hard to put even a destructive person out of my life, I still keep in contact with almost every single ex boyfriend of mine, i never see any of them hardly ever but we all send an email, text or message to each other maybe once or twice a year and I don’t see a problem with that and i am fully honest about it with my partners, the only thing I don’t have the symptoms of is cheating, I avoid intimate relationships at all costs. I don’t know what to do, i feel stuck and I am not sure how to fix all this and that’s all i want but once we are together we are annoyed and unsatisfied with each other. Is it possible for 2 people suffering from bpd to work and how in the world can i ever get over the crushing effects of the constant cheating and betrayals?? I know it’s best to remove each other from our lives but we are really having a problem with this and I am not sure if I will be able to cope once he leaves for good…..I feel like there is no right solution here. I wouldn’t of ever started a relationship if i would of realized this about me or him but I have displayed so much of this with him that it is hard to deny that I have it, I have even sent him 100’s of messages when he ignores me, I am getting more and more used to it with time but the first time he did it it lasted three days and I know he was with another female but the darkness was so bad when he wasn’t talking to me that I instantly dismissed the betrayal and begged him to come back, I couldn’t eat sleep or get up and function. It’s so dumb and I am tired of being in this relationship, I just want some relief, I feel like my issues have been made about 30 times worse. But i also love him deeply and value our relationship and have tried my heart out to make it work but I also didn’t realize I have been (most likely) over reactive and a lot more destructive then I thought I was being. I also feel high levels of remorse anytime I say a mean thing, I get very verbally abusive with him, more then anyone else in my life COMBINED. And I read that people suffering from BPD do not feel remorse is that correct?? I have read some pretty awful articles already about people suffering and I dont know what to think right now. I think I am going to try really hard at not letting him back around and not responding anymore to any messages but he was also a good friend before we got involved I never imagined it would of been such of bad relationship. I just want to fix all the damage I have done to us but it always makes it worse. I have told him that its best to just stay away from each other and move on and he said he is going to. But that hurts. I feel like he never loved me and i was just a sex toy and truth is i most likely was so I don’t understand why I am so effected when he is not in any one, he just goes straight to one of his ex’s house when we fight. I feel like he has watched me drown and help drown me and now he is just gone. It’s a terrible feeling and i want help I just don’t know how to get past my problem with the drs and when I have opened up to a few people including him about my issues all three of them have literally laughed at me and told me I need serious help so now i am completely closed off from any kind of social life at this current time, I am terrified of everyone now and feel alone. Does it sound like we are both suffering from this disorder or is it him and i am experiencing the effects of his BPD and that has caused me severe depression? I know there is basically nothing to even do, I can’t make someone care and I can’t be depressed all my life either.

  74. Not Mike says:

    Like most people here, I came looking for answers. Our relationship started just like you write about, it was fast, full of sex, and fantastic. She said she was most attracted to my self confidence. We both are late 30s, and just got out of shitty marriages. I liked to party a lot back when we first met. She soon expressed disapproval of my “party animal” lifestyle. And I soon found that I preferred spending nights alone with her. I wanted to be with her 24/7. She is fantastic, beautiful, smart, and my family loves her. She went to a very prestigious private university. And I went to a state university, on a football scholarship, including lots of roids and gym time. So she is a level up for me. After about 6 months we moved in together. Then one day in a normal conversation she mentions that back in my “party animal” days, she got so mad at me, she had sex with someone else. I was devastated. My self esteem was crushed. She said it was not cheating because we never said we were exclusive. When I asked her why she had made me promise not to be with anyone else. She said the idea of me being with someone else hurt so bad, that having sex with someone else was the only way to protect her feelings. There have been a few other times that she has insinuated she would cheat if provoked. Once at a club I started talking to the table next to us. When I turn back to her, I can see she is pissed. I ask her what is wrong. She says “ I’m going to the bar and find another man that wants to give me attention. I bet lots of men here will give me the kind of attention you won’t like”. I grabbed her arm and told her we were going home. She started yelling don’t touch me. Everyone is looking, so I go wait in the car. About 10 minutes later she comes out. She refuses to talk all the way home. I’m yelling at this point, she is just staring a hole through me. We get home, she grabs her keys, and I don’t see her again until the next day. The next day she says she was upset because I was ignoring her. Any more questions and she would shut me out by putting a pillow over her face. Then we go through a great couple of months. After about a year we get married. After we get married problems start to pop up. Once we were with a large group of people. The guys are joking about having big dicks. I say I have a bigger dick. Stacey says in front of everyone that I have a small dick. That she has had sex with a guy with an enormous dick, and she prefers small dicks. Whatever is left of my self esteem is gone at this point. So now I’m looking at my dick in the mirror every morning, and stalking the facebook page of the guy she had sex with, while we were dating. On the way home that night she is pissed. I tell her I’m pissed, and she tells me I have no right to be pissed. She is so angry that I told people I have a big dick. She tells me to promise to never talk about my dick in public again. Nothing I say will get through to her. When I say I promise to never talk about my dick in public again, the fight is over. When I try to say that I’m upset she said I had a small dick, she gets mad saying I’m trying to start a fight. That the fight is over and let it go. She starts yelling shut up shut up. I send her flowers at work. Then I really increase how often I tell her she is beautiful. Which is not hard, because she is a solid 8. She tells me I tell her I love her too often. She says it irritates her. If I ask her to tell me she loves me, she says don’t tell me what to do. I said promise you won’t cheat on me. Said she can’t promise that. The last few months I have felt like I’m walking on egg shells. Several times a day she will get mad about something. The other day I poured a cup of coffee. When I raised the cup, there was a ring left on the counter. She immediately got angry because I did not put a paper towel under the cup, before pouring the coffee. I countered back in a low voice that I will clean the counter right now. She says you don’t listen. You should have put a paper towel under the cup. I said I know that, but I can clean it up now. She raises her hands and says why can’t you f*cking listen! You should have put a paper towel under the cup. I said yes, next time I will put a paper towel under the cup. She said finally, that’s all you had to say. Why do you not f*cking listen! I go get back in bed and she cuddles up next to me. I have found that If I just repeat whatever she is mad about back to her, it prevents most fights. There can never be a compromise, or a discussion about a compromise. Last night, after reading this blog I tried to stand my ground. I said in a low stern voice “Can you listen to my opinion and my feelings about this”. She said “what about my feelings? I don’t care about your feelings.”. I repeat back to her what she was mad about. I go sit on the couch, she sits next to me and seems happy. This is not the same person I fell in love with. I started going back to the gym today.

    • You made a lot of mistakes. If you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, then this is YOUR own feeling. Not everybody feels this way – only those with a weak mindset fall into this frame of mind. Get to work on your mentality. Get to the point where you feel like you don’t have to walk on eggshells. For example, if she was getting all mad at me about the coffee, I’d be like “Wait wait, let me get comfortable on the couch before we start pointless fight #487”.

      Be sure to grab my free Relationship Death Sentence guide if you haven’t yet…

  75. John Epson says:

    Rick, I’ve been reading your site and I think that you are amazing. I have been learning alot from it, but I feel like its too hard for somebody like me to implement these rules, but believe me Im trying everyday. I literally feel broken for some reason.

    Im not sure if my relationship with this girl is one where she is a BPD, but I kid you not Im so certain that she is. She fits the discription 100%. She has had a very different upbringing then mine, I was sheltered, parents were strict but caring. She I believe had some sexual trauma as a child, and had a touch childhood with divorced parents, she was part of the marines, but those are the past and her problems. They used to affect me, but I don’t want to deal with them now. I have soo much that I want to tell you, but each obstacle I have been overcoming, and I feel like if I bring them up, I am just bringing up old wounds, and I desperately want to get to the point of not caring, focused on myself, if she leaves its her loss, I will find better and do better, (alphamale mindset). So the key things I’d like to point out are, Im in my mid 20s, I had no sexual past, shes done nearly everything. It used to kill me and still sort of does, but I am working on moving past this. She was my first, but she doesn’t know this. She is under the assumption that I’am very experienced, just rusty. She is also my first girlfriend, where she has had ALOT of boyfriends.

    We started off great, she was respectful towards me, and I was towards her. She initially wanted to not have any sex, until some time had passed. I was ok with this, but found it odd that a girl who is so sexual claims that she isn’t. She had many problems that I was the white knight for. It was all my fault to be so involved. She had to move in a week, I helped her move. She had money problems, I was by her side. She needed to go back to her home state, I helped take care of her pets for a few days everyday. I did and still do sooo much for her, and shes alway’s saying how shes independent, she doesn’t need anybody. But when I see her actions, I think otherwise. I try not to say anything about it though.

    She always mentions her ex bf’s even though I told her how jealous I get. She used to talk about her sexual past, and it killed me, until I had a few outbreaks of telling her that I hate that. She started to get more respectful, but here and there she still say’s those things and I hate it. I feel like its a lack of respect. She is very on and off. One week, we are great and lovey dovey, the next day she is distant and emotional. And says, I just dont feel the same way about you like I used to you know. We had this one week, where she would tell me, oh we dont have sex. I dont know any relationship where they don’t have sex. Like I see you as a friend, because there is no sex in this relationship. So finally we ended up having sex, and I started wanting more of it. She would say, shes not a sexual person. and suddenly she just stopped. Literally, 2 weeks ago Rick, she started getting distant. Then, last week was amazing. It was so LOVEY DOVEY. I had an amazing night of sex with her on saturday night, even. And now, suddenly, since monday, shes become distant again. Like its unbelievable. Everytime Ive tried to make a move, she says no. Im not in the mood. Or no, I just dont feel like I like you like I used too. I MEAN what the fuck. She has a mood swing every fucking day. (Im sorry for my language). Just last week was incredible. And now this?

    Last weekend, we had sex and I made the mistake of not pulling out. I asked her why she doesn’t just take birth control pills (when I met her she said that she took them to regulate her menstrual cycle, and I asked if she was sleeping with other men, she said no). So I brought that up, and she said what are you talking about, I never took them to regulate my periods. And Boom, it hit me. I told her, and she started laughing, and I said so you were having sex while you were with me. She said no, and tried to get all close and chummy. I kept pushing her away, because I was sooo upset. She kept trying to comfort me. We went and got the pill, so nothing happens. And we were talking the whole time. She promised me that she didn’t have sex for a while before she met me, but deep down I feel like its bullshit. Then we were talking, and she kept saying that she likes me, but she doesnt know if this is what she wants. Usually when she says this, which is every other week, I always say well lets see how it works out. But this time I told her, that the door is open and you can leave anytime you want. And her mood kind of changed a bit from it.

    In the past, and even now, I noticed that her ex’s and other guys would constantly hit on her. Constantly. I know her since January, on February, there was this night where her friends that are guys were talking to her and were really disrespectful. She told me what they said, and I flipped. She said, she let them know that shes in a relationship, and she can’t go out and meet them. But she never really flipped out on them, and they were really disrespectful towards me. I had a huge discussion with her, that led to a argument. And I ended it there. Since then, I feel that I have grown a bit.. I try my best to not care, or portray that I dont. But I know that I do. So this occured again two day’s ago. Some guy was talking to her on this app called snap chat, where you can send pictures. He sent her a picture and said that hes tired, can you come take care of me. She told him that she is in a relationship, if you can respect that then we can talk, if you cant then we cannot. He answered, I understand. And as we were working out, she was telling me this. I told her, “thankyou. I appreciate that, but don’t stop talking on account of me.” And she got upset and said “what, I didnt do this for you, I did it for me ok. I didn’t even need to tell you that this was going on”. I just let it slide. I was upset for many reasons Rick. One of which was, I often ask her to send me a picture of her, because I miss her, or want to see her. She never does, saying that she looks like crap. Yet shes talking to this asshole, and probably sending him pics. She needed space and distance, so we went from texting all the time, to texting very little. Yet shes texting these guys right in front of me. After reading your articles RELIGIOUSLY I have been giving her more space. Especially since monday. But I cant feel but heartbroken, depressed, and literally wounded with all this going on. I wish that I didnt feel this way. That same day, we were hanging out, and she was so less affectionate. It used to be we would cuddle and watch tv, and occasionally make out. But she didn’t want to under my arms. She just wanted to sit normal and said, Im comfortable like this.

    I dont know if shes cheating on me, though she say’s that she isnt. I dont know if its another guy, I dont know what it is. She has had many men, constantly sexually hit on her, including her ex’s. I feel like Ive become the nice guy, and though I give her space. Thats all I give her. A lack of communication. I do know that when we first met, my physique was much more impressive than I am now. I lost a bit of size, but its still ok. I started a new job which is why it is this way. I alway’s push her to be smarter, to try new things, to learn new talents. I alway’s give the space when she needs it. I help out when she needs it. I pay when it is neccessary. I read your post on dating a quality male, and I know I fit the description. I really really like this girl, and I have had my insecurities that I have been working on so desperately. But Im…….. unfortunately becoming depressed. I want this to workout. I want my respect back, and that awesome girl who felt the way I did for her. I dont know what happened, Im sure there is more to this story that I dont remember, or her view is different. Please let me know what you think Rick. I would greatly appreciate it. I want to be better. Im loosing my mind, and though I know I need to control my emotions…..I find it to be incredibly painfully hard. Please let me know what you think. Thankyou.

    • Bro, what I teach isn’t easy. If it was easy, most people would be succeeding. But seeing how most people struggle, it’s just evident that the struggle is real. So don’t feel bad, it’s just how it is. Learning this stuff isn’t easy. When I set out to create this website, I promised myself I would only teach the hard truth. Everybody else is trying to teach the ‘easy’ way out, but that’s just because it’s easy to sell lies. I only sell the truth – and the truth is hard work. Changing mindsets, getting good at dating and relationships is NOT easy, and people struggle with it forever. And since mainstream dating advice is horrible these days, people get more and more lost.

      My advice is to really just go through many of my articles, go through my courses is you can afford it and really work on just self-focus and moving forward. It isn’t easy, but that’s how you cure that pain. We all have some level of codependency, it’s just the truth.

  76. Hi Rick,
    Back again to run my mouth about my relationship with a woman with BPD. As our relationship has continued there are some things that are becoming trends and I wanted to pass along some things I see. If I’m out of whack you can set me straight, if not maybe there’s something here that may help your readers.
    We go through spots where she pulls back from me and I’m certain my reaction to these spots has a direct impact on the quality of our relationship AFTER they’ve passed.
    I’ll be the first to admit when things are moving along nicely then all the sudden she starts to put on the breaks, it’s frustrating. But it’s also a good time to reflect and make sure I’m not missing the little things that make being in a relationship so great.
    This isn’t the kind of relationship you can spend a lot of time dwelling on the future with. It will have a future or it won’t – just like anything else. I’m not saying it isn’t possible to have a future, it’s just counterproductive to spend a ton of time thinking about it. Besides, you do that and you start missing the everyday parts of it that make life a blast (I think that idea applies to more than just relationships).
    This most recent time the “pull back” lasted for almost two weeks and it was a bit trying. I try to be a good dude. But I love my girlfriend and it’s not the easiest thing to manage when it appears the emotional depth of the relationship has become shallow for no apparent reason. I usually tune into it pretty quickly and we talk about it when it happens. It’s nothing disrespectful. I’ll mention it seems like she’s pulling back a bit, she’ll remind me she has a personality disorder that sometimes causes her to do that…I’ll ask her if we’re cool, so far we have been, then we just kind of work through it.
    I try to take the time to look at progress I’ve made. I look at how I was the last time it happened and look at areas where I’ve improved and gotten better and I look at where I feel I’m struggling and work on ways to be better. Not just in the relationship, but in general. I think it’s easy to overlook benchmarks you’ve set for personal improvement when things are going well so I try to look at it as a positive instead of a negative when we get in our situations. But like I said, I love my girlfriend and sometimes it can be a challenge.
    I think a lot of the stuff I see from people in a BPD situation is frustration based on lack of patience that ends up expressing itself in the form of anger and meanness. It’s easy to forget it’s not personal.
    You can look at it and wonder why a person would intentionally put themselves in this kind of environment, but every environment has it’s stuff. Our stuff is just different. And the stuff that a lot of couples struggle with, we tend to be pretty good at. For example, we don’t struggle with open communication. If we did it would be a compete mess and at some level we both dig the situation we’re in enough to talk about stuff when it feels out of balance.
    I’m getting to be an older dude and I’ve been in my share of relationships. This one is pretty unique for me so far and it certainly requires me to be the best man I can be in my quest to hold up my end of the deal.
    Be patient. Don’t forget, she sees the things you do in the relationship even if she doesn’t acknowledge them (subconsciously I will occasionally seek validation for my effort and EVERY time she calls me on it – and flat tells me I will not be getting it from her) and if she understands her disorder she gets what it can do to a relationship.
    I may have mentioned it before but I’m going to say it again. Those of us in this kind of life are lucky to have this forum. Almost all the stuff you see out there tells you to run away or focuses completely on the negative actions of the BPD. I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to run; you just need to be patient and willing to grow as a human being. And you should be doing those things anyway.

    • Yeah don’t worry about the future man. Just live in the present. Never plan more than a year out to be honest. 5 year or 10 year goals are pointless. Just live in the present. Don’t dwell on the future. You’re only getting frustrated when she pulls back because you want to chase. But you shouldn’t chase women. When they pull back, you just pull back as well. Never chase women in life, it doesn’t work. This is where most guys mess up in relationships because they think they need to chase when she wants space. Just let her do her thing, you do yours. It’s not a BPD thing, it’s just what independent people do – they like their space. Great comment though, just don’t focus on BPD anymore. Focus on just the knowledge and the skills I teach, and you’ll be fine.

  77. Hi Rick,
    Last year I met a girl, when we started talking she told she is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I know this a forum of BPD. Things were fabulous at the start everything was just perfect but at the same time I was undergoing tough times and when I actually learnt about her disorder I started to be over caring and started all special attention due to which she started to avoid and asked for space. I gave her that for 3 months but in between I mailed her twice about what I felt. I tried to get in touch with her and she shrugged me off. I did send her gifts on her bday she accepted and spoke just once then. I tried to get in touch with her. Mind you I never called her on daily basis. I did text her etc..
    I have tried everything in my limits to have her attention but it has all failed. Last time I spoke to her things I heard like she doesn’t feel the way I do and I can’t force things on her. She even just let me be the moment I will stop having these hopes and aspirations from her she will be back. She blames me. I asked her if she is dating anyone I will leave now through sources I came to know that she is dating a guy.

    She has dated guys but just in cycle there are up phases then she completely walks away without no information.

    I don’t know what to do? How to get my closure? I am even fine accepting her if she is back in the coming months. I have decided not to text her or call her and its been 20 days already.

    Guide Please

    • Well you’re trying to get her attention through smothering and neediness. But that only gets you the opposite result. Why would any woman want to be with a man that smothers her, texts her daily, gives her gifts and writes letters? It just doesn’t make sense. That’s not what women find attractive at all. Who taught you to do those things?

  78. Am not sure what the difference is between bpd and bi-polar. Am not going to look it up on google either! I dont want to know right now. My gf is bi-polar, and yes these women can be quite a handful most of the time! My advice to the guys is be open. If you dont like something say it. Hell she is going to get a piece of my mind if she’s doing something I don’t like. Am not sure how long our relationship will last! I want to marry her! We both find the relationship fulfilling. She’s very intelligent and she’s a psych major! So she can read between the lines very clearly. Whenever I have an issue she says my body betrays me! But what she doesnt get is am really not trying to hide or cover anything up! If am pissed am pissed and am going to show it. If she acts crazy depending on the situation i’l calm her down first or act crazy too. Depends on whose wrong! Am a man! I argue based on facts and reason not just raw emotion. If am wrong, I aint afraid to admit it and if she is wrong 99% of the time she will just agree to disagree and apologise way much later lmfao. The one major issue I used to have which I dont anymore is “Trying to fix her” Please guys don’t do this! It never works. Try to “fix you” You can only work on yourself. When they see that! It will give them a reason to work on how they relate to you. Ooh dont forget to tell her she’s acting like a bitch every once in a while! Cause 70% of the time that is what she will be acting like.

    • Bipolar has actually been proven to be genetic I believe, whereas BPD is a personality disorder developed through upbringing in the childhood years. Usually, people that are bipolar end up with BPD because imagine the parent are their inconsistent emotions. This greatly impacts the child. And the child probably will get bipolar since the parent has it as well.

      Either way, it’s a tough situation to deal with. The best solution is still everything I teach: an intense focus on your own self and your own happiness. You can only be happy when you’re accomplishing your own tasks and getting shit done for yourself.

  79. I have been dating a girl with BPD for about two years now. I didn’t know this at first but learned after about 4 months. We broke up for a couple of weeks and when talking with a friend he mentioned that I read up on the disorder. It was her to a T. She has is divorced and has two kids which makes her even more insecure. I have read some of your information and it has made dealing with her very helpful as you are point on. I have to say I became very good at dealing with her BPD because I am a strong confident person. I have a very stressful job which lately has made it very difficult to be patient with her and I neglected her for quite some time. Recently she went to a flower shop where she knew an older married guy who had pursued her and then she accepted a friends request from him. I didn’t follow the usual script and snapped. Not sure if it was to get my attention or a fall back plan for her but either way I told her she crossed the line and that I would have her and the kids belongings forwarded to them. Once I said that and she knew I was done she went to shut down mode. After a couple of days I dropped a line to let her know I was interested in talking. Didn’t hear from her as she was in shut off mode cause she had to tell her family I was throwing her out. All along she kept asking what my intentions were cause she wanted a long term commitment. Of course she friended an ex boyfriend on Facebook so I could see it and she could have someone to talk. He lives several hours away but always let’s her back in his life cause he has no clue about her. So after a couple more days of not hearing from her I knew I had to send something to get her attention because she had the power she wanted knowing I contacted her to talk and she was blowing me off. Normally I would never respond. I sent her a message saying that the reason I overreacted was that because I was getting ready to propose to her and that I was going to skip trip cause I was going ring shopping. She got back to me in about a half hour saying she wanted to talk but that she was still planning on moving home with her parents cause we had so many differences that she loved me and was broken hearted but that we would talk. I responded by thanking her for the response and letting me know she was done. I said there was no need to talk cause I didn’t want to make it difficult for her and that now that I know where she is at I can move on with my life. I told her I’m 41 years old and want to have a wife and family like I had hoped to have with her. and that I would make arrangements to get her stuff back to her. Of course there was no immediate response to that one because now I have the upper hand, did not pursue her any further and showed no sign of being broken. It has been about 12 hours since I sent that. What do you think the next move will be?


    • I’m actually confused. So do you want her or not? You’re telling her to move out but you want to marry her. That’s very confusing from her perspective and inconsistent, which is the biggest turn off for women. So as you can see, this is why she’s giving you the silent treatment. She’s literally confused as all hell right now. She has no idea where you stand and it’s a risk for her to be with a man that isn’t solid. That’s the issue here.

      • stefie Willmore says:

        OH MY GOD you told her you were planning to propose when you weren’t?? A woman with diagnosable long term emotional and psychological issues and you said that?? You should be ashamed!
        your playing games with no clear idea of your or her intentions…god help her!

    • Leslie says:

      I’m a bpd woman who constantly screws up all relationships. If I’m not getting what I need – I seek out other men. I’m very seductive and use my body to get what I want. I’ve cheated in every relationship I’ve had and won’t stop even when it makes me feel bad and I know it’s wrong. I will look up any old bf and they always take me back no matter if married or not. I’m trying to change but if I feel lonely for a second I do it again. Sorry that’s how it is for me.

      • At least you’re honest about your problems. We all have issues so I don’t judge. Admittance and acceptance is the first step to change and improvement :)

      • Unrequited says:

        This is what I typically see from the vast other sites. So hey Rick! It seems the promiscuity and non monogamy is very prevalent with BPD. I’m wondering how destructive a non monogamous relationship would be? If you have the fortitude for the lifestyle, then would that be so bad in this type of dynamic?

        • The only reason that Borderlines cheat on their partners is because the Borderline tends to date weak, insecure men. When she meets a better man, she is instantly attracted and is tempted to cheat. Blame the BPD all you want, but if you were dating an unattractive woman, you would be tempted to cheat all the time as well. This doesn’t make it right by any means, but it’s just the reality. If you want a girl to never cheat on you, then you must always be an awesome dude.

  80. Hey Rick, I am all for dating BPD women they can be a break from the boredom of normal chicks, however having a kid with one is an unmitigated disaster. A word of advice here for anyone playing in this garden, always use a comdom and flush it the second your done, many of these women with do anything to trap you and use their own child for destruction.

    • Hahaha well BPD or not, there are a TON of single mom’s out there. It’s really unfortunate so my advice is that if you’re a guy reading this and don’t want children yet, always wrap your tool :-)

  81. Gordon says:

    Hey Rick, wondering if you’d have some advice for me. So my girlfriend has BPD and we’ve been dating about a year now. After reading your information it sounds exactly like her, when we started dating she wanted me there everyday and was so sweet, but the last month or so she’s been very distant, always busy and now the other day she broke up with me. She says she’s protecting me from herself, that she’s afraid of physically hurting me. I’ve had alot of people telling me to let her go and move on but I truly wanna make things work. Should I give her space for while and see what happens? I’m just really confused right now.

    • I would just say “haha, whatever you say. Take care!” and then let it be man. No reason to get needy with her, just spend some time on yourself, do your own thing for a bit, maybe you’ll even move on when she’s off your mind.

  82. After 30 years in relationships supporting wonderful woman with many emotional disorders like BPD, Bi Polar, depression, alcoholism, Panic Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder…..etc
    I’m finally retired from the dating zone, yes I tried many dedicated years to build a sweet relationship, but I didn’t find a stable one.
    Most of my ex relationships still in touch as a good friendship.
    I learn a lot and support a lot. One thing I understood, don’t try to change people, they have their unique path, if they need help they will find it if it is a honest necessity.

    All humans have a degree of Schizophrenia, every culture criticize other cultures, who is correct ? … is KFC a good diet ?
    is TV for intelligent people ? does internet make you more intelligent ?

    Remember… who wins the war tells the story…..

    More than 54 million Americans have a mental illness in any given year.

    One thing is for sure: Everything around us is in transition,
    including you
    Peace to ALL

  83. Hi

    Not sure if my 45yr old ex gf has BPD or npd but she cheated on me multiple times before breaking up over what she said was lifestyle differences because my home was too modern,I was to clean and tidy,I didn’t drink and her teen daughter hates me.she said we didn’t know each other and shouldn’t have lived together,that I wasn’t who they thought I was and that her kid will always hate me.that she was confused and didn’t know what she wanted and that you never know what may happen in a few months.

    We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1..her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse..the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didn’t do it deliberately) ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult..week later she broke up ..I had not heard from her in a week since moving out
    .what I didn’t discover till a month later is that she had been cheating for at least 6 months with multiples…she finally admitted to cheating with one random she picked up after I presented evidence but I’m sure there was another but didn’t have evidence..3 months prior to break I caught her setting naked pics and bedroom secrets to an ex ,she was blind drunk at time so I called her up on it the next day.she denied any knowledge of having done it and when presented with the msg was not apologetic nor distressed she dismissed it as a drunken mistake and that was that..I tried to get her to open up as to why but she refused to discuss it further saying she loved me..

    During last 2 years of Rs she became drunk at least weekly and hurled insults at me such as
    Your not worth the financial convienience
    Your going to grow to be a fat old man
    Your fault I didn’t orgasm
    Your hobby is embarrassing (she introduced me to hobby as a Xmas gift)
    Don’t you want. To look beautiful for your girl (insisting I go to gym)
    You will never find one as beautiful to me to love you (when I discussed breaking up over the child)
    You don’t understand women
    When we would go out for dinner ect she would try to force me to drink and get upset if I didn’t

    Her cell ph acct came to my email address it how I caught her out and in the 4 weeks after our break she was in contact with 4 different men incl the cheater..when the affair ended during those 4 Weeks she tried 2 others dialing 2 numbers every 5min for 6 hours straight with no answer then finally took up the offer of an aquaintance of ours one who had been on her social media list our whole relationship..he is 57yr old,wealthy,drinks,parties and is obese she denied having cheated with him but they were intimate and living together imeadiately and she and he posted public pics on social media the week she had admitted to cheating.

    There was no empathy,no remorse,no emotions displayed when she admitted to cheating or when I asked why she posted pics so soon after her admission when clearly she knew I was devestated she just,didn’t care about me

    Why would she say I was fat at only 5kgs over my ideal weight but it’s ok to sleep and enter into relationship with an obese man 7years older than me ?
    Will she insult him as she did me ?
    Will she cheat on Him

  84. Martha says:

    Hi Rick, thank you for the advice.

    I have been in a few relationship and everyone acted more or less the same: they would take care of my feelings to the extend of lying in order not to hurt my feelings. Some spoiled me a lot and help me to develop into a brat. I would destroy furniture and make fights but it will always end with sex or at least a hug. My current partner is the only one who showed me my place and drew the line. I am wondering now, is that I hooked up with an indifferent bastard or did I meet someone who can really help me?

    One and the last incident is a profound experience. He often forgets about his phone and disappears for a couple of days. I felt like seeing him, so I went to his house uninvited. It is not the first time and he never rejected me, I thought. This time it was different: he said he had problems at work and wanted to be alone. I said (that’s manipulative, that’s what ‘mean’ me always does) that “if the best thing I can do for him is to leave, I will, but I will feel very sad and lonely”. He shrugged his shoulders, we talked, kissed and hugged and he headed home.

    Then I said I won’t go home, will stay on the street and get cold. It didn’t work and the guy actually left. When I was left alone, I thought, that it was good that I came and while I still had control of my emotions I had to leave – do the right thing at last, put his emotions first. But I didn’t, I spent 2 hours on the street. I stayed at the porch and he went somewhere. The next person who talked to me was a police officer: the guy actually asked the police to help to move me from outside of his house.

    Really, some one I [imagine a perfect romantic day] with just two days ago asks the police to kick me out. The first my reaction was “how dares he and how can he be so indifferent and cruel and I am a worthless crap”. The second thought was “what a coward he is, he doesn’t deserve it”. Thirty minutes later, having got home through the wet night, I think how right he was, I should have left in the beginning, he did ask me nicely and gave a credible excuse.

    Then I also thought that I am grateful that he showed me what is unacceptable behavior. I can’t just stay outside his door all night, I must be reasonable and considerate of his feelings. And if the only way for him to get rid of me was to call the police (indeed, I know that it was the only way), he has the right to use it. Maybe I will be less prone to do such a silly thing again.

    I am scared and confused. I know that he acts cruel and mean some time and compassion is the feeling I admire the most, but I also know that by not encouraging my irrational behavior, he can as well help me the way no one has been able to help until now.

    Please, give me your view on his behavior.


    • Since you keep attracting the same type of manipulative men, the problem lies with you. You’re one of those women who are not emotionally fulfilled. Therefore, you seek out partners to help you feel fulfilled. However, this never works out in your favor. You are the woman version of the “nice guy” who also never feels fulfilled and satisfied. So the problem lies with you. The reason you keep attracting these idiots is because they’re low class assholes. They PREY on the weak women such as yourself. They can only get weak women because strong, independent, fulfilled women don’t even give them a chance. So the key here, just like it is with the nice guys, is to spend the next several months taking care of your own needs. Stop dating men for a while and focus on being happy, fulfilled and successful ON YOUR OWN. Only then can you actually attract quality men who mean well.

  85. Dear Rick,

    I’ve dated two BPD women in my life so far and I must say your blog really opened my eyes in realizing whats going on in these relationships. I live in Europe, dating life here is a bit different than in America, however many of these things still apply.

    What was most helpful though was you pointing out to codependency in men who date BPD women. After reading your blog I’ve read a book from Darlene Lancer named Codependency for Dummies. I must say it was very helpful, but it also described this issue as a very complicated one, that takes years or life work to recover from and people might go throug a lot of slips. I wondered if you consider yourself recovered or would still say your battling with it?

    Also, I must say its really useful to see a mans perspective on things. We are raised by mothers, teachers in schools are mostly women and even the book mentioned is written by a woman therapist. However helpful, one cant shake a thought that a mans world is undoubtfully different.

    Thank you for your work

  86. Me and my girlfriend are perfect for eachother. She has BPD and im a caretaker who always puts everyone elses needs before my own because thats what i was taught as love as a kid by how my parents acted towards eachother. Anyways back to the topic on hand, i know i need to work on myself in order to help and be with her and vice versa, but theres one problem.. No matter what i do i cant get through to her, ive tried having adult conversations with her about my thoughts on her having BPD, and at first she was furrious at the idea i would even think that she would have a problem of any kind. But one recent attempt to get through to her she actually admitted she might have a problem and shes sorry for putting my feelings aside and she wants to fix things etc. I was so happy inside i thought maybe this was the turning point that would make us happy again and would let us stop fighting all the time about everything because absolutley everything i do or say or anyone for that matter hurts her and its my fault and the whole 9 yards. But my joy was short lived because 20 minutes later (not kidding) she was already back to saying she doesnt have a problem and its not her fault and im blaming her for everything.

    Ive tried everything i could think to try and help us and i feel like ive found the problems in her and myself and that if we can each fix our own individual selves then we can be happy together.. But she wont even give me the time of day to talk about this with her.. Im not even telling her i think she has this im just trying to get her to be open minded because maybe this will help… Our relationship is point for point what a bpd relationship is like, any advice into helping me get through to her to maybe look into herself for one serious moment? I want to be with her so badly but im tired of carrying emotions for two.

    • Women are not attracted to caretakers. Women are not attracted to men who seek perfection. Since you believe in caretaking and perfect relationships, it’s pretty obvious why your relationship didn’t work out – you are just a complete turn-off to your woman. You are the opposite of what makes a woman hot and bothered for a man. Unfortunately, millions of men are exactly like you. My mission is to help men discover what it means to be a man.

  87. Tiffany Williams says:

    Recovering Slowly, But Surely…

    My Thoughts Are Paralyzed By The Very Magnet You Use To Draw Me Into Your World Of Push And Pull. too Emotional To See Me Go, Crying And Screaming To Set Me Free…That Is How You Define Your Loyalty…To Me.

    • You’re paralyzed because you let her rule your emotions. And that is the biggest turn off to women. It’s the opposite of being a leader, which is what defines a man. So your problem is simple – start leading your own life. Stop trying to gain the approval of women.

      • Kevin Toomey says:

        I’m dealing with someone who I believe has BPD. I’ve read your advice on how to deal with it. On many occasion she’s went silent on me where she wouldn’t return emails or texts. Last week, she wasn’t returning my texts but then, when I saw her, she told me it was because she wasn’t receiving them or receiving them hours after I sent them. Now, I know every other person who has received a text from me during that same time period has had no problem. Therefore, I know she’s only saying this to protect herself from me getting pissed about her ignoring me. Instead of confronting her, I chose to play along. I chose not to return a text from her explaining “if you can’t receive my texts or receiving them in a timely manner, there’s no point in me replying to you since you won’t see my response anyway.” I followed that up with “If you don’t get your texting app straightened out, it’ll be too bad since I’m not going use email as our form of quick communication.” Basically, I feel I’m putting my foot down but without calling her a lier. Is that the way you might recommend I handle her or would you have confronted her on her bullshit? I would have ignored the issue (her wanting her along time) entirely if she just stuck with not returning my texts and didn’t try to cover up with a bullshit story about not receiving the texts. But by creating a story, it lead me to believe that it might be possible (unlikely) she’s not receiving my texts and I’m forced to check with everyone else to ensure the problem isn’t on my end and to ensure the texts are going through. My texting capabilities appear fine so I’m trying to play along and let her know her “made up” story might to lead to unintended consequences like me refraining from texting her entirely. What do you think

        • I think texting causes more harm than good for 99% of the men out there. So I think you should avoid it and just stick to calling/doing this in person. It’s a bad habit to have serious conversations over text. Stick to just logistical stuff when it comes to texting…

  88. zen Ensoa says:

    I unravelled a year ago after dating a girl who took me home first 2 times i met her. First time she didnt remember me. Second time she told me that we were a perfect match and should have babies togther. It was really up and down. First time she acknoldged me as her bf was her 35th birthday. That was 2 weeks after I met her and she tried to kiss a mutual acquaintance. I had a breakdown 2 months later. I havent recoevered ever since. I feel we were both BPD. Maybe she was HPD. She hooked up with a guy 10 yr younger soon after and is still with him. They are having a baby togther. makes me Sad. Makes my uBPD kick in.

    • This is why you don’t get overly attached in the beginning. This is codependency. Lack of self-confidence. Self-esteem issues. Lack of self-respect. So you need to work on all of these things so you’ll stop getting attached to women early on.

  89. William says:

    I am in need of guidance. I was in a relationship with a girl who has bpd. I never knew about it until her mom told me the day after she left me with words that shattered me. It’s been only 4 days now since it happened and I have been researching this over and over for the last 4 days. She basically said she never loved me at all and that I meant absolutely nothing to her. And a whole bunch of attacks onto me as person. I went to speak to her mother today seeking guidance as well and I’ve been asking many of my closest friends and family for advice. Because I am now stuck with the decision of either fighting for her or moving on avoiding the verbal abuse and strain it has caused me. I do admit I am not perfect. I never thought it so. But I tried everything to make her happy. I can’t help but feel that if she was honest about her condition from the start I would of known how to act and what to do by researching it and equipping myself with wat to expect. But through my lack of knowledge I allowed her to walk over me, and with the atmost patience I never lost my temper ever and carried on. Hoping it would get better. Never once have I insulted her. Always tried my best to make her feel safe and that I would never leave her. Now that I know she is bpd. My every wish is to get her back. Because through it all I still don’t want to lose her. It was never her fault she got this disorder. She has had a real bad past and all I want to do is help. I truelly love her with every part of my being, despite all the ways she has hurt me. She deserves to be accepted and loved no matter what. She also fell pregnant from a previous abusive relationship and has a daughter who is 1 years old.. I completely assumed the role of her father and I love her just as much. But there were times were she had thoughts of hurting her daughter, even though her daughter means more to her than anything in this world. She stays with her parents so I’m not worried about such things happening, but her wish is that her daughter would never see the rejection she had. And how do you then raise a child without support from a partner. I would lay down my life for any of these to woman I had the privilege of having in my life. What do I do? How do I win her back? I accept full responsibility that I was too inexperienced to know how to act around her. And my silence to the way she treated me and my hurt blocked me from sharing my true self with her. And it drove us apart. Her mother says she has been depressed all week after our break up which tells me she still loves me and that the still might be the slightest chance. I need help. She is the love of my life

  90. Chris says:

    Hi, im reading all your posts and i must say this is really something. I was going out with that one girl, she was just out of a long term relationship with guy much older than her. I know i was a rebound and the fact that she has BPD (she told me) did take some part in it. I know i have made some mistakes when i was with her, but hey im still learning right, especially right now from your site :)
    It looked to me that we really did hit eachother, really similar interests, characters and gestures, i know that was real her.
    Two weeks ago we split, she said she is not ready for a relationship right now, we talked much about it and i said to call me when she will be ready, that id really like to wait for her but i can’t promise that to her. I saw her crying after i turned around after saying goodbye. I know i need to let her go and focus right now on improving myself, so i can be ready for her or another girl. I know she didn’t get back to her ex, but still being rebound is kinda depressing.
    What do you think about this?

    • I think it’s just part of the game these days. We live in a hook up culture. People rebound all the time with multiple partners, and so their feelings are all over the place. The best thing to do is avoid trying to lock down a girl. Let her lock you down. This is really the best thing you can do.

      If you’re a guy and a girl rebounded to you (which has happened to me multiple times), just let it be. Don’t try to lock her down or anything. If she wants to be with you and dump her other guy(s), then she’ll make it obvious. Otherwise, she’ll just keep rejecting you or flat out ignore you, lol. So, don’t get attached early.

      Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. You shouldn’t be giving out your love to someone so easily…

  91. Harry allen says:

    A girl and I have currently put a relationship on hold, she didn’t want to feel dependent on me while she tries to fix what she calls “issues”, we still talk, enjoy eachother’s company and I’m eager to see if we can start this thing we have again sometime in the future. She wants me in her life but doesn’t want a relationship right now, last week we spoke about meeting eachother’s families and just yesterday she said she wanted to take a few steps back. I totally respect her thinking but I really genuinely like this girl, she’s given me so much happiness over the past eight months and I’ve never seen the signs of her BPD, she occasionally smokes a bit of pot as it helps her but all I want to know is how can I talk with her about this because I really love this girl yet I’m worried we’ll just drift apart.

    • Don’t even worry about BPD at your age. Women at that age have a lot of emotions in general, their bodies are changing and they’re getting men from all over the internet wanting to fuck them. So you need to be realistic here. Your best bet is to let her have her space. Let her figure out her ‘issues’ like a real boyfriend would. Just be like ‘Hey, do what you gotta do’ and then let her go. Don’t contact her again unless she contacts you first.

  92. Sasha says:

    Hi, I need help I have BPD and my boyfriend an I have been dating for 2 years. When we first met I was honest with him and told him I had major depression. Within those 2 years the 1st year of our relationship I was diagnosed(?) with BPD from my psychiatrist so I was still figuring it all out (I still am). My boyfriend is the most loving and caring guy in the world. When we first started dating, everything was amazing but I started realizing how controlling he was and I told him off and he stopped, but the thing is I am the same! I don’t know how to control myself when I get angry and I don’t know how to control my emotions. He isn’t much or a reader, and doesn’t spend his time reading about what BPD which I think if he read a little he would understand more but he says he never really understands what they’re talking about. I just want a normal loving relationship, and he said if I cam’t stop treating him like shit he will leave. Yesterday he broke up with me, he said I was too much to handle but he still loved me a lot and I couldn’t take it, I felt like angry because I knew this would happen, he and I got back together but I feel like he is only with me so I don’t hurt myself or hurt others. I says that I walk all over him, and emotionally abuse him, and that I take him fro granted and I realize that I do all that but I don’t know how to stop? I try my freakin’ hardest but it just doesn’t work. I don’t want to lose him and I don’t know what else to do anymore?

    • He sounds like a small-minded dude if he doesn’t pick up books often. So yeah, I just think you need a real man who can handle a woman. Stop feeling like a victim, it’s not really your fault here. You two just aren’t really compatible. I couldn’t imagine dating a girl who doesn’t read much. Street smarts > college degrees any day.

  93. Goeorgecarlinrules says:

    If you have bpd, opt out of relationships. Romance is like religion. It’s made up bullshit that some dude came up with. It’s highly evident when most men are cocky, sex obsessed jerks. Rarely is a man monogamous or truthful. So opt out of the shit. That’s what your subconscious is telling you to do all along. It’s yelling THIS IS BULLSHIT BC it is.

  94. BPD women are attracted to people who embody characteristics they themselves don’t have. It’s as if they NEED a strong person who can be their “container” so to speak. Their actions reflect the inner turmoil of their state of mind. Being able to assert and stand up for your own healthy boundaries is key. Setting limits when you are shit tested is also key. Having a strong inner sense of what is acceptable behavior to you and knowing how to stick up for yourself is too. Most of all, I have found it important to state consequences and be able to uphold them by following through with them when challenged. Otherwise, you are no match for a borderline.

    • Wrong. The reality is that you attract what you project. This is why Borderlines always end up with codependents, and why these relationships usually fail. Most men who date borderline women have just as much issues and inner turmoil. They’ll never admit it, but it’s true.

      But you’re also correct in that borderlines’s want a strong person. But guess what? EVERYONE wants a strong partner. That’s why many people get success after applying the stuff I teach – they become strong and their relationships improve across the board. Not just intimate relationships, but every type of relationship. Their lives improve immensely.

  95. Justin says:

    I am dating what i think is a borderline.. i would like to know the phycology behind the constant silient treatment and the schemes to make you look bad to their family and friends. I have dated her for 17 months and once the infactuation period wore off its been a hell ride.. she gets into what i call an episode over almost anything. She get what i would say is very childish. Her face goes red and wont answer me, gats mad when i leave, loves to have opportunity to make me look bad infront her friends and family, i swear she starts fights just so she can play innocent little victim, she plays with my head by always threatening to do the things i fear the most like running back to her old life of drugs and drug addict friends, if i leave without saying anything she gets angry and starts on an episode. I feel like im stuck revolving around her broken life and i have also been neglecting my own.. i feel as if im going crazy because not only is she trying these things but these tactics are now her whole family and friends dislike me and i feel trapped in this box.. is it time to just leave her before i lose all my confedence?

    • Well that’s the problem: you are revolving your life around hers. And as long as you keep doing this, the relationship will always be a toxic mess. Listen carefully: the relationship will never be healthy until she is revolving her life around you. Believe me on this.

  96. Hi Rick!

    I have recently gotten your book BPD relationship blueprints and I am very open to the ideas and insights you have shared. ( I am not very sure however is this package comes with email aid?)

    The one burning question I have would be, is it as effective in long distance relationships as much as short distance relationships?

    I ask this because you have emphasized on actions rather than words… But how does one go about this when the main communications we have is texting and talking on the phone?

    • If you’re in a long distance relationship, then I would focus more on the Facetime/Skype type of communication. Don’t text that often. It’s really lame in my opinion, and productive conversations should always be had over the phone or Facetime where you can actually see their face and make eye contact.

  97. Dan Beard says:

    I’m a therapist and dated two women with BPD. It doesn’t manifest at first so I was sucked in deeply before I was sure what I was dealing with. I have handled them, for that most part, you recommend. I’m in the process of ending what I feel is a romance with no hope. I want to tell her she has this condition to help her, but I hate labels and am fairly sure she would say I’m just analyzing her.

    • What’s crazy is that you’re a therapist and couldn’t see the warning signs. I’ve talked a lot over the years how most therapists just don’t really know much when it comes to BPD and all that. And that’s okay. It’s a tough disorder and you have to have a lot of experience to understand it (which I have, been teaching this stuff since 2010).

      Anyway, telling her about her condition will do her no good. You can’t fix people. If people want to live in denial, that’s their choice and they’ll never improve themselves until they admit that they need help. Welcome to humanity…

      • I’m not sure if I’m doing this right but here goes,a girl I met a long time ago has always chased me,I regrettably now always refused for various reasons but I finally got with her 6 months ago and love her to bits,I always knew we would end up together deep down,I’ve always known she has had a troubled childhood and abusive relationships,long story short we got engaged a month ago and planning on moving in together but 3 days later her grandad sadly passed away and she was understandably and is still heartbroken cos he was like a dad to her,she has now ended things with me and says she still loves me and still wants me and the things we talked about but she just needs time,she has always known she has some sort of mental disorder but only at the weekend she seen something on Facebook about bpd and everything it says about it is her,I got blamed for not showing her how much I cared or didn’t do enough,I admit I could of done more to show her but her actions when the littlest things don’t work out are blown way out of proportion,when she is calm she apologises for acting the way she does but when she is upset it’s all my fault and I end up being the one saying sorry countless times,tiny little things she flips at and one min she is saying I spoil her then the next it’s I don’t do enough,I guess what I’m trying to say is what advice can anyone give to me for getting her back with me,what do I need to do,how can I help,do I stop contacting her and let her contact me? I know from what I have read so far I have to basically correct her when she is wrong,be the alpha male so to speak,we still speak and talk about things she still says she wants it,I know I have to be strong and stand up for myself when she is having an episode if that’s what you call it,she is amazing thoughtful funny and we get on so well when we get on,sorry for my story being a bit all over the place I’ve never done anything like this before

        • I would suggest that you just read through a lot of my replies to the comments here. Your situation is similar to a lot of people.

  98. Joewalsh says:

    I dated who I suspect is a BDP over a year ago. She threatened suicide when drunk and then withdrew. She recently came back and it was just like old times however only lasted two weeks and ended after she tried to call and I didn’t answer and didn’t respond when I got back to her. I took offence to this but then ended up apologising to her for ‘making a mountain out of a molehill’ as she put it. I am guessing that, according to your philosophy, I lost my power and control by allowing the ignoring to affect me, and then not standing my ground when she turned her behaviour on me. I attempted to pursue her briefly afterwards but would barely talk or throw up childish defences which I allowed to diminish me. Haven’t spoken in two weeks. I have been the one to maintain contact since our first dating escapade. Should I continue to keep lines of communication open or just leave it and go work on growing bigger balls and leave it to chance that she gets in touch sometime?
    I’ve dated a few unique personalities, but this one captivates me more than any other. Also there’s a big age gap; I’m much older then her. Any thoughts?

    • One of the first girls I dated used to do the same thing: she would get drunk and then threaten suicide shit. One night she was just holding a knife to her wrist in front of me. Painful memories man…

      Anyway, this experience taught me something very important: alcohol is no joke. In fact, alcoholism is much worse than BPD from my own experiences and the countless stories I’ve read from people over the years.

      So, I just refuse to date women who are into alcohol and partying hard and all that. It’s just not worth the trouble that alcohol can bring.

      BPD can be dealt with if she’s sober. However, when you throw alcohol into the mix, you’ve got a far worse situation to deal with…

  99. Oliver says:

    Hi Rick

    Just after some advice really, I have been with my partner for over a year now and it has been a very emotional rollercoaster she is very up and down emotionally. She has come out of a very controlling relationship and is still damaged from this.

    We get really close and intimate at times and she can just ch age like a switch and I don’t no what to do in these sitiations, I really love this girl and would do anything for her, I am a very caring and understanding guy and I have invested a lot of time in this relationship to help her through stresses in life and supported her with stuff. I just find it difficult when she goes distant with me like the flick of a switch


    • Hey man, just check out all the other comments here and the responses I’ve given over the years. A lot of people have asked the same question and I’ve dropped a lot of lessons and gold for you to absorb :)

  100. Matthew m. TN says:

    The girl I’ve been seeing is very much like this. I got sucked in before I knew what was happening. What’s worse is the blessing that’s now growing inside of her and I can’t up and leave. She flips over the smallest things. Last night she wanted to go to a baby store about an hour away and I explained to her that we would go tomorrow (now today) because we would be in that area of town for other reasons. What eased into a real quick feisty heated argument then went very toxic. She loves biting intensely, threatens her life, she will scream at the top of her lungs when I detain her because she hits me and tries to provoke me to hit back. She is very abusive in this state. She also tries to cheat. She’s like 3 or 4 weeks pregnant and I just wish there was a way out. She moved in on top of me and is now what feels like a bum. She doesn’t appreciate anything. Wear and tear of my vehicles the messes she makes. Then she obsesses over her appearance. But what woman doesn’t. She is very hostile at times.

    When she isn’t out of control she is very sweet and loving and caring. But I’m beginning to really wish we weren’t together. I’m sick of her treating me like crap. I laid it down to her that I wasn’t taking it anymore that she could treat me right or I’d leave her and find someone who would.

    Gotta get up and go take her to work then go in. The mornings are usually good to me.

    She is 22 and I’m 25. She is very immature now that I’ve gotten to know her. She has been through a lot… from rape to torture to abuse in general. But that doesn’t justify her actions. I’m not a punching bag. I used to be real timid in my teens. But I grew past that.
    I need someone to coach me. I called the suicide prevention line just to talk to someone about it.

    During her fits she’ll tell me how worthless, how much she hates me, how she wants to kill me…. idk what to do.

    • Bro, if she’s making you feel suicidal, then get out of that relationship. That’s why the relationship is toxic. You’re in too much of an emotional low to ever bring anything positive to the relationship. This is WHY it’s important for insecure guys to be single, and not seek out partners. As a single man, you want to work on yourself so much to the point where you’re an unstoppable force of awesomeness. Only then can you have a healthy relationship. Anything else will lead to just a crappy dating life with arguments and fights and stupid games with the occasional good times…

  101. Hi Rick..

    Thanks for your advice and also the words from your readers in the comments. Its great that people can share their experiences and situations. Its really helpful to those in a relationship – and even guys like me, who (unfortunately) recently left one.

    Its been a few months, and I still miss her very much. I’ve done a lot research trying to understand what I was dealing with – her behaviour and emotions in general – which obviously led me here!

    There is a history of mental illness in her family (her Mom) and a history of fractured relationships throughout her life. Immediate family, friends, marriage breakdown etc..

    I’m not sure if she was Narcissistic, Borderline or Histrionic PD – whatever the ‘diagnosis’ as such, it was tearing me apart and I was falling in to a very deep, dark hole. I tried my best to support and guide her to a better place and way of thinking. Show her that life isnt about constant drama – but the emotional meltdowns and episodes got too much and I had to remove myself from the madness for the sake of my own health.

    |ve been in depression before. It took me a long long time to drag myself out of it – and am not prepared to go back there for anything.

    In a way, I feel like I failed her.. and still ask the questions
    “Could I have done more?” – “I wonder if it could ever have worked out?” – “What if?” etc. Because a lot of what we had was so good.

    I just don’t know.

    As she said to me “Broken crayons still colour”.
    I hope she is ok and that she can find happiness within herself because thats where I think its starts. But its simply impossible to be happy with someone else, if you arent happy with yourself first. Thats what I was trying to get across to her.

    All I know is that insecurity is a killer.

    Keep up the great work… thanks again, and good luck to all.

  102. hey, thanks for writing this. I currently am dealing with the second break up from my ex gf who I believe to be bpd. we work under the same roof…that’s how we met and still are currently. we got together about 6 months after I was transferred to her building, and (seemingly) neither of us chased the other and our jobs don’t have us interact at all, for the most part. we casually spoke one day in passing, and I realized she was single. we exchanged numbers and began texting…which is her MAIN form of communication. speaking face to face rarely has substance. after a week we went out and although she was very reserved, it progressed to more dating. she told me she loves me in under 3 weeks from exchanging numbers. texted me at least 5 times a day to check in with me for at least 6 weeks. regularly gave me little gifts and offered to go out of her way to get me something if I needed. made regular trips to see me at work and openly showed affection on the job for EVERYONE to see. too good to be true was definitely on my mind, but I figured it would go its course and maybe be okay. 6 weeks was the change…less and less of all those things to the point of almost ignoring me when I tried to reach her and after another 6 weeks broke up in a text message after I said good morning have a good day. I let it go and kept my distance giving her no reason to think I wanted anything. 5 months later she came back begging for another chance. telling me she made a mistake and will never make it again. she was depressed and wasn’t thinking clearly, and now she is better and knows what she wants. fought me to let her in only to go through the same process in the same time frame almost exactly. only this time she wouldn’t end it. when I would try to connect with her emotionally to spark communication, she would first get upset and then have some explanation for why she just wasn’t feeling good and it wasn’t about me or us. last time I did that she tells me i’m not her type and she felt that the first time she left. saying she only came back with an open mind to make sure I wasn’t for her. so this now is a third explanation for why she left the first time, and contradicts her explanation when she came back. wtf so I tell her I will leave her alone and am doing just that. just like when she left before I keep complete distance. there since have been several times she put herself in front of me and spoke to me at work. her facial expressions and body language go from making eye contact and wanting something to don’t mess with me. through all this I still long for the girl who was too good to be true and came back fighting to let her love me again. all through knowing her she goes to some sort of dr for meds. suboxone for opiate addiction she has been on for years as well as something else for depression. she also has valium handy if she cant sleep. I asked her once if she is bipolar and she said no and offered no other info. I wonder if she is in treatment for bpd….sometimes I think yes and sometimes not. her abusiveness has been more about keeping away than actual outbursts at me…and she spoke about that

    • The red flag for me here is the meds that she’s on. I’m just very anti-drugs, including alcohol. When an individual isn’t sober, you’re going to get some wacky behaviors that don’t really make a lot of sense. They throw you off and leave you wondering WTF. My advice is that she needs to learn how to be sober again. She needs help. And, you’re not the one to fix her up. She needs to do this herself… You can be her friend and be there for her, but don’t to be her boyfriend or whatever. If she wants you, let her come to you…

  103. Wow great site rick
    I finished with my on/off bpd diagnosed ex girlfriend after 2 years
    Omg what a ride , Jesus
    Scary how alike they are
    I tried my absolute arse off to make it work for 1st 18 months then just wore me down and I got sick of her , I was the nice guy mug to start with and after time I stood up and questioned her bs
    And anything that wound me up
    I am a decent bloke but won’t be mugged , I let so much go it’s untrue and looking back it was stupid and naive , she hated my young daughter
    My friends
    Family etc
    If it wasn’t about her she was pissed
    1st year chatting to other men
    And as far as I know didn’t cheat but well who knows ,
    My kid was at hospital with her mum who was up there crying for me and basically she said u go up there I going out clubbing haha
    Called my daughter (10 years old ) a c**t by text to her phone
    I mean that is seriously ill
    What I have read about is so true about when u confront them with truth it’s laughable, she always banged on about hating / detesting porn etc , I checked her history and she was watching it haha
    I told her and she just bullshitted a load of nonsense to get out of it
    Unbelievable truly unbelievable!
    A relationship should be based on honesty and trust and this women I couldn’t believe a single thing ever , she seeked help and did get better a bit and seems like she wants to try but still would never say sorry ever ever
    I had to teach her how to say thankyou as all the things I bought I never got nothing
    I am not being funny and don’t think I am nothing special but I was brought up with manners and this women had none
    There is another 100 stories that are covered above
    And to the women who read this with bpd , I hope u not all like my ex as am (was gonna say sorry ) which was all I ever seem to do with her even 95% of the time she was wrong
    I could have stayed with her but
    I could have never seen my friends
    Always drama when I with my child or family
    Never go away
    Never do anything without her
    As she would plays child games
    Oh and haha , always had to be by text message
    Couldn’t speak on the phone
    40+ women this is
    Sad , expect it from a child
    Which is pretty much how she acts most of the time
    Good luck to anyone in this situation I feel your pain

    • Well man, you can’t save people. Sucks you went through all of that, but one of my core lessons is to deal with disrespect the moment it happens. You confront it. You tell her it’s not okay and if she does it again, she can take a hike. By allowing bad behavior, you’re actually making these women worse, believe it or not. Dante Nero talks about this all the time.

  104. Hi, Rick. Good stuff here. I just went on a first date with a girl who says she has BPD and it was insane and awesome. We met online, and I had been fearless about wanting to hangout with her (in order to combat her hot/cold flirting). She agreed, and we went out for a drink, and after a few hours of sincere, nice conversation, she held my hand and started kissing me, saying things like, “I think this is going to work” and talking about future plans for us…. She told me lots of personal information about her father and depression and then mentioned her BPD…. She said my ability to not give a shit turns her on, and after making her laugh a bunch, she initiated sex by the end of the night. She sent me nudes for me to go home with and texted me the next day, calling me “baby” and talking about our next date and how she has never met a guy whom she connected with and liked as much as me. (I’ve always gotten the girls I’ve wanted, I’m 26 and secure, but it seems part of her infatuation was delusional, because it was just so damn intense). The next day she didn’t respond to a flirty text I sent her about the upcoming date, but she sent me other messages and pictures of her and her cat instead. I have seen her behave like this during our pre-date online flirting—very hot, calling me babe, and then just acting normal (not cold, but relatively cold when you consider how hot her other behavior is). She always ignores things I say but then sends me something else. She also almost never answers right away—waits hours sometimes, which I enjoy in a messed up way because it keeps me on my toes. She has not shaken my confidence, and I refuse to let her or any girl do that, but I wonder if my confidence is going to go misinterpreted as controlling and neediness because it is being projected so heavily. My question is this: when she pulls away at all (acting less flirty, not responding to my flirting), should I tease her about it in a funny way to maintain the forwardness and confidence that I have, or is that a bad idea considering the BPD? In other words, will my acknowledging of and commenting on her pulling away be misinterpreted by her as invading, or worse…neediness? Considering what you know about BPD, what is your speculation? This girl is awesome and though she may have exhibited clingy extreme behavior, I am totally OK with it and want to understand how her mind works so that we can see if we are compatible together. I’m also interested in learning more about BPD incase I meet more people in the future who have it. Thanks! -Jackson

    • Lol it will all be fun until she feels like you’ve lost who you are due to her overwhelmingness, and then she’s gone. This is what “crazy” women do — they hook you, get you all attached and needy, then they drop you. Experienced players know better, which is why they do well with borderlines. As long as you ALWAYS have a non-attached attitude towards her, she will always be yours. That’s truly the only way to keep these women. That is the “game” if you will. So when she isn’t responsive, just let her go. Make her chase you 100% of the time. Much easier said than done of course which is why I have A LOT of training about this. Either way, just see how things are 3 months from now. If she isn’t talking to any other guys and wants to lock you down, you’re on the right track.

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