Got my coffee in hand and I’m excited to be writing this post for you today. I’ve been getting some questions about interest lately and I want to share my opinion on the subject.
Today’s post is going to focus on COMMITMENT and why it’s the most important factor when it comes to dating and relationships. A lot of people focus on interest levels which in my opinion is a mistake.
I’m sure you see or know certain people in your life that just seem to ‘get it’. They have healthy relationships, they never have a problem dating good people, they have the dating life you wish you could have.
Well in my experience, the people with the BEST relationships tend to understand that commitment is the #1 factor. They know through experience that ‘signs of interest’ don’t really mean a thing…
Now a lot of websites and forums out there that focus on attraction and dating talk a lot about interest levels. I had a friend tell me the other day that he can never tell how interested a girl is because it never seems to be consistent.
Well, yes! This is why interest doesn’t mean anything in the long-run. Interest comes and goes.
If you’re stuck looking for interest levels of people you like, then you’re going to be too caught up in your head trying to figure out how he or she feels about you at any given time.
In other words, you’re seeking reactions and that’s a big no-no in the dating game.
Did they text you today? If so, are they texting you a lot or a little? Did you text first or not? Have you heard from this person recently? Do they come to your dates or are they bailing on them?
These are just a small number of questions that you’ll have running in your head IF you keep focusing on interest.
Let’s Focus On Commitment
In my experience and seeing it happen to everybody else, it’s much better to focus on commitment instead of interest.
As you can see from the questions above, all of those factors will be running through your head when you’re trying to figure out the interest level of a said person you like.
But the reality is that it’s truly impossible let those be a gauge of how interested a person is.
What if the person texting you is simply bored and lonely today? What if the person you’re texting was raised to be nice and hence responding out of respect? What if the person texting you is an insecure attention whore that leads everybody on?
These are all important questions to ask yourself as well IF you’re focused on interest-levels.
So, I figured out that it’s much better to just FORGET about interest levels and instead focus on COMMITMENT.
Because let’s be honest here – someone that commits to you is probably interested in you. The more they commit, the more you can assume that they’re interested.
But if you’ve ever taken relationship coaching from me, you’ll know that I stress for you to not assume things because assuming incorrectly can lead to a bad situation.
Examples of Commitment
So I simply focus on commitment as it’s the most important factor in dating and relationships.
What is commitment then?
For me, I look at commitment as any sort of action that the guy or girl does where they go out of their way for you.
This could be as simple as driving to the date spot. This could be as small as texting you during the week curious about how you’re doing and interested in seeing you. Coming over and making dinner or baking cupcakes is another level of commitment that’s great.
In regards to the texting example above, you need to be careful about this one. If you’re always the one texting first, then that’s a bad sign because it’s you putting in the effort and not your partner.
So I don’t want you to take out your phone and start texting your partner everyday about how they’re doing. Not only will this get old fast, it can come off quite needy if you’re always the one doing it.
Relationships are a two-way street. You must keep this in mind.
There have been times when I stopped texting a girl, and then she never texted me – and we never saw each other again!
You might be thinking, “well Rick, why didn’t you text her? She was waiting for your text…” and my response is always the same – relationships take TWO people to work. If she’s not willing to put in any effort to text me, then that just shows me she isn’t a good partner.
Look at it this way – relationships are about commitment. If it’s always me texting a girl, where am I going to be able to gauge her commitment?
The answer is that I’m not. Since I’m always the one putting in the effort first, I never truly get to see how committed she is.
Therefore, if a girl isn’t willing to pick up her phone and text me first just as much as I do, then that’s a sign that this girl probably isn’t the type to keep any sort of commitments at the moment. It’s best not to pursue.
Higher Levels of Commitment
Higher levels of commitment could be honesty – opening up and telling you about their past. This is a big step in commitment that a lot of people don’t look for early on.
I personally get people to open up to me about their past before I even date them because I like to know who I’m dating.
To do this, I first talk openly about myself. I don’t mind talking about my past relationships and my life journey. Women love stories and the more you open yourself up and share who you are, the more she’s going to open up.
But again, there are always cases where this can be wrong. You need to have a good filter and be a judge of a good character. But this comes with experience and can be tough. So the best piece of advice I can offer on this is to just simply listen and think with your GUT.
If your partner is sharing with you about how no one can date her and you’re better off finding someone else and all that, then this is a sure sign that your partner has insecurity issues. It might be wise to not commit to this person right now.
But if your partner is opening up about their journey and is positive about life in general, then this is a great sign. Share some information about your life story and build that connection.
These actions of sharing who you are and opening yourself up builds commitment. It shows that you’re human, shows that you’re imperfect. Any little action that focuses on making the relationship better for the both of you is commitment. And you need to appreciate these actions.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
The actions you take in the beginning of the relationship will always set the foundation for the relationship. Get this part wrong and you’ll end up in a toxic relationship.
But get this right and you’ll have developed a strong connection in the beginning which will lead to better things down the road.
Experience helps with this. Being able to see the types of actions you’re getting will help you determine whether this will be a good relationship or not.
This is why most relationships that were developed using pick-up lines, Tinder and other shallow mediums rarely work out – there’s a lack of honesty in those approaches.
But when you’re leading the relationship through your REAL self, such as with stories and sharing parts of your life, this honesty is something that people connect with naturally.
This is why I don’t look for interest in women. Just because she appears to be interested right now doesn’t mean she’ll be in 10 minutes.
I focus on commitment. I open up, share my opinions, let her relate with me a bit and then I share some more. This connection becomes a snowball effect and it just builds and builds.
Healthy, long-lasting relationships are built on commitment, not interest.
Just because this person you’re with wants you right now doesn’t mean they’ll want you tomorrow.
Sometimes people that you’re dating are only dating you because they’re bored.
This is another big factor you must keep in mind.
By testing for their level of commitment (such as cutting back on your texting habits), you can see if they take action to reach out to you and show that commitment.
With this knowledge, think about some other ways you can check for commitment.
Like I said above, sometimes people date out of boredom.
They’re using you to pass the time.
Don’t be used. Don’t be manipulated.
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