So you’ve managed to find yourself in the grasps of a man with BPD, eh? I feel for you. Borderline Personality Disorder is no joking matter.
Too many articles (like this one) exist on the internet that demonize BPD. They’ll convince you that any sort of relationship with a BPD-type of man is a waste of your time.
But, I tend to disagree with most of the
crap advice written on the internet about BPD relationships.
At the end of the day, relationships are meant to improve your life and help you grow as a person.
If you’re getting absolutely no value out of your BPD boyfriend, then there really is no point of you being in that relationship — this applies to all men, not just ones with mental health issues.
This is why the first rule that I give to my readers is to remove the BPD label completely. Just pretend it doesn’t exist as you evaluate the status of your relationship.
When you remove the label, you’ll begin to judge the relationship from a behavior stand-point.
This is incredibly important because you’ll prevent yourself from making excuses for your man.
Instead of saying, “He treats me bad because he has BPD,” you’ll start to instead say, “He treats me poorly because he can.”
This is a major shift in your mental state. I’m ultimately a mindset coach. When you change your mindset, you’ll be on the path towards better relationships.
There’s no excuse for poor behavior. Just because your man has BPD does not give him a reason to hurt you.
In this article, we’ll tackle the 5 most common symptoms you’ll experience – and what to do about it.
Before you get into the meat of this article, you might be interested in the free “BPD Cheat Sheet” guide I’ve written:
Signed up? Great. It’ll go to your email address so you can read it later.
The Past Shapes Our Behavior
Before we get into the 5 common BPD issues, I first want to quickly talk about how the past influences behavior.
Not just for the Borderline you have feelings for, but for all of us. Who we are today is a direct result of our upbringing.
And unless we actively and consciously work towards goals to change ourselves, we’ll remain the same man or woman until our death beds.
I want to stress how important it is for you to understand that we’re all unique individuals. While he may have BPD, it’s not like you can expect that general treatments will work on him.
Maybe he has more issues with trust. Or maybe he’s the jealous type. Perhaps he can’t help but stare at every girl walking by. Or maybe he has an addictive personality and can’t let go of the bottle.
My point is that you’ll often find one of these above issues to be more extreme than the others (which can still play a big role in his present day personality).
Controlling your emotions is another extremely difficult task as well because all these negative experiences growing up has festered over the years into some deep darkness.
So again, it’s important to take note of the individual symptoms and issues that are the most prevalent. These are what you focus on moving forward.
One of the most important lessons I learned when it comes to leadership is that you prioritize tasks.
What this means is that you do not spread yourself thin. In a business, this is crucial because the more tasks you try to accomplish, the more spread out your resources become.
This leads to inefficient work flow, lack of communication with team members and those on the front lines, mediocre products instead of high quality ones, and overall a loss in revenue.
When it comes to your relationship, you need to prioritize these symptoms. Which symptom is it that you believe to be the one that needs the most work? The one that you want the most answers for?
Choose which issue is most important and go from there. It’s why my BPD Relationship Blueprint product has 18 sections of knowledge so that you can take what you need and apply it to your unique situation.
Read these articles to further your education:
- Respect Helps BPD Relationships – by focusing on your own levels of self-respect, you’ll not only feel better about yourself, but your boyfriend will appreciate you and work harder to improve himself and the relationship.
- Controlling Your Emotions – you must make sure you have great control over your emotions. If you continue to react to all the irrational behavior thrown your way, you’re only going to further damage the relationship.
1. Insecurity and Self-Esteem Issues
People and their relationships usually have some sort of pattern. If you look at your own relationship history, you will probably notice a pattern of dating the same type of men.
For men with BPD, this pattern isn’t going to be as simple as ‘he only dates women with brown hair.’
Instead, the pattern to look for is going to be more like ‘he only dates women who wear their hearts on their shoulders and fall in love quickly.’
As I always say, you attract what you project.
Or in other words, you will always end up dating someone who shares a similar belief system and mentality as you.
On the surface, you might both be leading different lives. But on the inside, you both have similar insecurities and mindsets and what not – at least, this is what you are lead to believe.
You see, people who are insecure and have self-esteem issues like to wear a mask. They don’t like who they really are, so they put on a mask when they meet people. When he met you.
He might appear to be charming, dashing and have dozens of women chasing him. But when that masks comes off, you experience who he really is.
This is why I often advise men and women with Codependency issues to steer clear of the Honeymoon Period. If you fall for men easily, you’ll find yourself falling in love with a man wearing a mask.
Because these men tend to be insecure, they’ll pull out all the charm and seduction games to woo you over for several weeks or months. But eventually they can’t keep up the charade.
Eventually, the truth comes out and you realize you fell in love with a false persona.
Here’s an article I suggest you check out:
- What to look for in a man – these are the 7 qualities that I believe women should look for in a man. If your man is lacking most of these, then he may be too much to handle…
2. Over-Reacts and Assumes
One of the most common problems you’ll come across with your BPD man is that he’ll overreact to anything you say.
This happens with both Borderline men and women. You constantly feel like you’re walking on egg shells because anything you say gets thrown out of proportion and received negatively.
What’s going on here?
Well, let me first start by defining the 3 types of individuals that people tend to be:
The first person is the weak, Codependent-type. Whenever they receive any sort of criticism or feedback, they take it negatively and either get defensive or shy away.
The next person is the strong, confident, self-assured type. They receive feedback and criticism objectively – they don’t take it personally. It doesn’t result in arguments, and they continue about their day unscathed.
The third type of person is one who goes on the offensive when he receives criticism. He takes it personally and instead of shying away, he will start a fight, flip things around and assume that you’re attacking him.
Both the defensive man and the offensive man are weak. It’s just that one type is codependent and shy’s away, while the other type is aggressive and starts pouring gasoline on the fire.
I recently was helping out a woman on my Relationship Academy forum and she wanted help with a man who kept getting critical and aggressive any time she brought up basic relationship suggestions or questions or advice – anything.
Looking into the issue, it was a simple case of her man overreacting and assuming the worst. But she was also making the mistake of getting defensive and walking on egg shells.
So I simply told her that she needs to approach the problem with him objectively – she needs to point out the fact that he’s always assuming and that’s his big issue.
She completely overlooked this because he kept attacking her. She took it personally and would become defensive.
If your man is always assuming things, then remember to take a step back and look at the argument from an objective point of view. The answer could lie right their on the surface.
Check this article out:
- 5 Truths About Love – most people don’t understand what love really is. Check this article out and use these these to see if your relationship really is about love.
3. Controlling and Critical of You
Because men with BPD had a rough upbringing, they usually compensate for this by becoming overly controlling.
This is often why these types of men end up dating women who are rather weak and Codependent. Don’t take this personally as I’m just letting you know how it is.
But women who are self-assured, strong, independent and think highly of themselves don’t fall for the charms and good looks of these men.
I’ve been coaching women for several years and it’s always the Codependent-type of women who are easily controlled that fall for these types of men.
Again, don’t take this personally. It’s just important for you to realize this. Perhaps you like to be controlled and told what to do.
Women in general like men who take control, who are leaders and make decisions.
However, this can become toxic when that man is trying to control parts of your life. When he’s manipulating you and criticizing your every move, are you continuing to shy away and just take it?
If so, then you have fallen into this victim mentality. Every time you talk to your friends about your relationship, you’re talking about it as if you’re the victim.
The only person responsible for becoming a victim is you and you alone. It’s easy to blame your partner for this, but at the end of the day, it’s your life.
Refer to point #2 above to gain insights into dealing with these issues from an objective point of view.
Here’s an article that may interest you:
- It’s Okay to be Single – being single is okay. Sometimes it’s the healthier option for you. I would rather be single than in a toxic relationship and I want you to understand that this is okay.
4. Lack of Commitment
Here’s where you need to once again take responsibility for your actions…
Are you pursuing a man who’s currently in another relationship? Possibly married?
If that’s the case, then don’t worry because you’re not alone. Many women come to me with situations just like this.
And my advice is always the same: don’t pursue men who are unavailable. Period.
I know it’s tough because he’s just so damn charming and communicated with you so well. He’s just got the bad boy charm that you can’t resist.
But believe me – this is going to end worse for you than for him. In all my years of helping women, I’ve yet to see a woman actually end up with an unavailable man. It just doesn’t work well for the woman.
And then she’s upset because she spent a lot of her time pursuing this unavailable man.
So you really need to ask yourself this question: why is it that you’re even interested in men who are unavailable in the first place?
Perhaps you had a parent who was unavailable to you? Only you can figure out this answer. All I can do is guide you to this emotional freedom, which is the purpose of my training programs.
Follow my golden rule: never commit or invest in someone who isn’t giving it back to you. You wouldn’t invest in a company that isn’t bringing you returns, right? It’s no different in relationships.
5. Compulsive Lying
This last point is a big one because it goes much beyond just men with BPD…
People from all walks of life can be compulsive liars. And you know what? I don’t let it bother me in my day to day life. Why?
Because I don’t put much weight on the words of men and women. Both men and women like to stretch the truth and say things that aren’t really true.
I pay attention to the only thing that really matters: Actions.
When it comes to words, you should always remind your self that they are weak. They’re hot air. They’re silly most of the time.
I interact with a lot of women. I know that 90% of what she says is a test to throw me off my game. I carry a strong, alpha-type personality and women just love throwing me jabs.
But they know that I love it. That’s why they do it. So I’ve trained myself over the years to know that words are fun. I can’t take them personally or I might get defensive. It’s much more fun to jab back and forth.
For you, if you know that your man is lying to you and not giving you the full truth, don’t fall into the trap of assuming things. After all, he’ll probably get hella accusatory and offensive.
Liars eventually get found out. If you know for a fact your man is lying, just leave. Don’t give him any benefit of the doubt. Ignore him for a couple of weeks so that he can really feel that sting.
It’s important that you take this seriously. If you stick around with a man that you know is lying with you, then you are enabling him to continue this bad behavior. And that isn’t cool!
Leave before he can leave you. It sends the strongest message possible because indifference is the opposite of love – not hate.
Don’t take him back until he’s begging for you.
Remember that ultimately these types of men have their own unique issues that stem back from their own unique upbringing.
Guys that have BPD will be all over the place. They can be charming at times, and then totally flip on you without a moments notice.
The more codependent and weaker you are with boundaries, the more likely you are to be abused and taken advantage of.
This is why I created the Better BPD Relationships course. It’s all about helping you to become stronger and more secue in yourself which is really what these men want from you.
Sounds crazy to hear, but these men act tough and crazy because they want you to put them in their place. They want you to own them.
The last thing you should be doing is mothering him. Don’t do his laundry until he earns it. Don’t be cleaning up his messes. Don’t pick up his dishes. Don’t clean his room.
Time and time again, I find women becoming the caretaker of these crazy-types of men. It actually makes the relationships worse, however.
Take the 5 points I talked about above and see which ones apply most directly to your current situation. Prioritize and tackle one point at a time.