The more time that you spend learning about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and other behavioral relationships, the more you will realize that most people in these relationships suffer from some sort of Codependency issues.
BPD’s are usually also very codependent individuals. They seek the same love and affection that codependents seek. But BPD related issues get in the way.
Over the years, I have gotten much better at figuring out the causes of codependency and more importantly, how to smash these problems so you can live a happier and healthier life.
I began my research into codependency several years ago just as you are doing now because I felt the same things that you’re feeling now.
Sure enough, I realized that I had a lot of codependency issues and thus I worked on fixing them. The more I educated myself on human behavior and relationship mindsets, the quicker I conquered my codependency issues.
So let’s dive in and explore more about Codependency and what you can do starting now to fix these issues…
What Does It Mean To Be Codependent?
Codependency basically means emotional dependence – your moods and feelings are dependent on how others feel about you.
It’s the deep, core issue behind neediness which can quickly cause your boyfriend or girlfriend to lose attraction for you. In other words, neediness pushes people away. You lose your mystery, your awesomeness, your challenging traits. You become a pushover.
However, BPD’s react differently which creates problems for you. You know that they are insecure already. Therefore, they will put up with your deep neediness just like you will put up with their issues.
Eventually though, the attraction wears out and the BPD grows cold, leaves you, possibly cheatson you ‘out of the blue’ or just drops you completely and won’t return your calls or texts.
BPD’s have extreme fears of abandonment issues (as do codependents) and are awfully afraid of losing you despite your unattractive neediness. Dating a BPD requires many strong factors such as respect, boundaries, knowledge, firmness and much more. The truth is that most people aren’t educated enough to handle these relationships.
So even if you learn how to cover up your neediness, eventually your codependent side will be exposed just like the true character of a BPD – one that has complete lack of emotional control, instability, fear and more.
Here are additional articles to further your learning:
- The Fear of Abandonment – what exactly is the fear of abandonment? In this article, I share my belief on the subject and what you can do about it.
- Dating Someone with BPD – dating people with BPD can be extremely difficult; that is, if you don’t know how. Fortunately for you, I’ve learned many things over the years that help with these relationships.
- Master Your Emotions – in order to break free from your codependent nature, you need to learn how to control and master your emotions. Check out this article to learn how.
Symptoms and Similarities of Codependency and BPD
As you spend the time to learn more and more about codependency, you’ll notice that it overlaps which many other types of behavioral personality disorders such as HPD, NPD, BPD and more.
And under all of these personality disorders come dozens and dozens of different issues that people have. This is why I educate people to focus on the particular individual instead of the diagnosis.
Usually a codependent person wasn’t physically left or abused as a child. You may feel that you grew up in a normal, healthy family with good parents as I did. However, there was still a failure in upbringing that brought you to these emotional, dependent issues.
I was raised in the church and drilled since a child by my mother to be a pushover and extremely nice. That will make any child a codependent because I am basing my actions to please others, avoid confrontation, be passive, turn the other cheek, help others before I help myself. It’s good morals taught poorly.
Codependency at it’s root is also a fear of abandonment – you’re trying your hardest to please other people and you’re dependent on how other’s feel about you. When things go sour, you can’t help but want to fix the problem, make things right and you can’t take your mind off of it.
So when someone that you’re in a relationship with pisses you off, leaves you, doesn’t call you back, etc. you’re confused and hurt. You start over-analyzing things and can’t figure out what the heck is going on. You just want to make things right again!
You might freak out and start stalking your partner trying to figure out what the hell they’re up to. You might write a nasty letter or perhaps a nice letter throwing out all of your feelings – only as an attempt to wheel them back in (which usually ends up in disaster).
I truly hope a lot of what I am saying here is hitting you deep. I want you to understand that neither codependency or BPD is a healthy way to live. You might think you’re being a ‘great partner’ and a ‘good person’ but the fact remains that being a codependent isn’t healthy despite what you were told growing up.
Codependency can be more manipulative than BPD because you at least know everything that you’re doing whereas a Borderline constantly juggles with feelings. They usually aren’t intentionally being manipulative.
The Unhealthy Nature of Codependency
60% of all marriages end in divorce and I believe it’s because most people don’t have their emotions under control, they have no direction in life, no passion, no purpose. They’re slaves to the corporate life and the fire simply burns out.
In today’s society, we’re brought up believing that to be successful, we need to get a good job, make the money, start a family, pay the bills, go on vacations and life will be great!
Oh what a huge lie. This is why it’s not really your fault that things just aren’t working out the way you envisioned them. But you still MUST accept responsibility so that you can begin moving forward. Denial leads to death as I say.
If you’re the type of person that likes to simply ‘go with the flow’, then that flow is going to wash all over your flame and burn all that desire your partner originally had for you.
A lot of marriages don’t end in divorce, but it doesn’t mean that the couples aren’t happy. Most couples I see on a day to day basic are miserable. It’s a sad picture. If only there were a way to the fire (pun intended).
I posted a link above that will take you to my article about emotional control. I want you to read that after you’re done here. I’m not saying that you need to lose your emotions. You simply need to get good at controlling them so that you can remain in that state of complete confidence in yourself.
The best soldiers on the battlefield are those that never panic. They assess the situation for what it is and they stay under control. Refer to Band of Brothers as this is what made Easy Company so dominant against Hitler’s armies.
Breaking Free From Codependency
What I have learned over the years helping thousands of people is that every single one of us has issues. There isn’t a single person on the planet that’s without imperfections. We all have our own personal story which defines our mindsets and beliefs.
I believe that most of us have some sort of codependency issues. I think it’s simply in our nature to want to give love and be loved. There’s times where we want to be alone of course, but there’s also times where we want to love and cherish and grow with.
But this can become a problem when your mind and feelings are influenced heavily by another person. When all of your validation is through someone else other than yourself.
Its this validation seeking mentality that really screws people up. It’s what I believe is the true cause of codependency. You’re not happy unless you got love from others.
It’s the belief that you’re just not good enough without the love and fulfillment from others.
This is a very toxic mindset that will always cause problems in relationships. Being codependent isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just when it gets too extreme and consumes your life, just like with BPD or any other personality disorder.
Now don’t get down on yourself, don’t beat yourself up here. Just accept the responsibility for the way you are the things that have happened. The best way to heal is to educate yourself like you are doing now.
The reason that I’m so heavily involved in teaching you all about BPD and codependency and everything else is because I spent years educating myself so that I would never get hurt again. I have all these experiences and knowledge that I can’t just keep to myself.
You might be looking for ways to ‘deal’ with their BPD or how to ‘handle’ him or her. Or maybe you know you’re codependent and you realize that it’s been a negative factor in your relationships.
Either way, the first step of action in both cases is for you to take responsibility for what has happened (even if you feel that it isn’t your fault). Only then you you take the next step which is becoming the best version of yourself through constant, daily improvement.
From there, you can work on establishing boundaries, you’ll develop a high level of respect for yourself, your partner will quit pushing you away and walking all over you.
Those are all things I have been talking about for a long time and ultimately they help you break free from your Codependency. Once you are able to stop being a codependent, a BPD relationship won’t be that much different from a normal relationship (since you’re not affected by their negative/crazy behavior).
Your BPD partner will consistently want you because you’ll be the ONLY person in their life that isn’t being driven crazy by their craziness.
Because you have your body, mind and spirit completely under control. A state of zen if you will.
I believe that having your shit together simply means you aren’t affected by others thoughts and opinions of you. You simply brush them off and keep moving on with your life. Haters gonna hate as they say. When it comes to a partner, you can’t let their negativity affect you.
Here are more articles to further your education:
- Common Dating Mistakes – these are the most common mistakes people make in relationships. Go through this article and fix the ones that apply.
- Why People Cheat in Relationships – if you’ve been cheated on in the past, or worried that your partner might, read this article to learn more about cheating.
- Mistakes that Turn Your Partner Off – in this article, I present 7 mistakes that people do in relationships. These mistakes result in turning your partner off which can damage the relationship.
I truly believe that success in any type of relationship is when you’ve developed the skills and knowledge to reach this state of zen. This state where your emotions are under your control, you’re completely confident in yourself and your ability to succeed, you can love freely and be loved as well.
Conquering codependency and succeeding in any type of loving relationship requires work.
It requires work on your self because it’s your own issues.
Trust me, I’ve been there. I was as codependent as you can get (thanks mom and dad).
It requires setting and achieving goals.
It’s knowing yourself: your wants, your needs, your vision.
You’ve got to have boundaries. You can’t be afraid of setting them and holding strong, even if it triggers your partner.
Weak boundaries just lead to abuse – such as a broken windshield in my case.
A memory that I’ll never forget. And one that sent me off on this journey towards being exceptional.
Here’s something I’ve yet to reveal to the public…
My new online course called Overcoming Codependency.
This is true “insider” information. Beyond a blog post.
It’s still in production, but much of the meat and potatoes are ready.
Learn more here:
– Rick Reynolds