One of the reasons why I spend a lot of time talking about codependent relationships is because I used to be a hardcore codependent.
Yep! Good ol’ Rick here was a needy, supplicating, weak man. I put women I wanted on the pedestal constantly and was afraid of rocking the boat. Not good!
As a result, all of my relationships eventually became toxic and abusive because I couldn’t be the man and lead the relationship as a man should.
The other day I received a question from a reader asking me if two codependents can have a successful relationship.
After all, if you attract what you project, couldn’t two codependents make the relationship work? It’s an important question and one that I’m glad to tackle.
But before we dive into the goods, I have a complete course for relationships called Better BPD Relationships. It’s my flagship program for improving toxic, dramatic relationships.
Let’s get started…
Codependency And Successful Relationships
Anyway, here’s the exact question I received from a member of my Relationship Academy so you can understand how this article came to be.
A perk of being a member allows you to send me questions any time you want and I’ll answer them privately. I only decided to make this one a public article because it’s a very broad, basic question that can help anyone reading this.
Here’s the question:
“Greetings Rick! I am just wondering: do you think that two Codependents can be in a successful relationship together? Thanks for all the great content you provide us. Keep it up!”
Why thank you kind sir! HIGH FIVE!
I do appreciate that you are getting value out of your membership. After all, my goal with the membership is to provide consistent, new training that helps you with your relationships.
If you’ve been a reader here for some time, you know that I do things differently around here. I’m really a mindset coach at the end of the day because your mentality determines your reality.
Without the correct mindsets, you fall into a codependent mentality. It’s no surprise that codependents often date people with BPD.
This is why I’ve been saying for years that being codependent is actually worse than having BPD.
How is that you say? Because the codependent is a glutton for punishment. They take all the abuse on the chin and look the other way. This isn’t good! So, let’s dive in because you need to change that.
I Used To Be A Hardcore Codependent
Did you know that about me?
You wouldn’t guess it from reading my blog, but it’s true! I used to be a major Codependent.
Or a deep Codependent is the phrase I like to use.
I don’t have Codependency issues anymore, but I still definitely feel my old self pop up from time to time to haunt me.
The ghosts of the past as I like to call them.
There is a big misconception in society where people have this belief that you can “cure” your issues – to completely eradicate them.
If this were true, there would be no need for drugs (and as you probably know, drugs only suppress issues – not eliminate them for good).
The simple fact is this: you cannot completely cure mentality issues.
It’s just not possible. It’s how our brains are wired. We are creatures of habit and when you’ve been doing something for years and years, you can’t just forget about it.
So what I do is I teach people about REprogramming their brain.
Nowhere in anything I teach do I tell people that you just delete your old behaviors and mentality.
All I ask is that you become aware of them. Conscious is another word that I like to use.
Much of our behavior has been programmed into our subconscious mind.
This is what’s responsible for your day to day living. It’s responsible for your current life situation, believe it or not.
The amount of money you make, the lifestyle you have, the good luck and the bad luck – your subconscious programming is responsible for nearly all of it.
When you learn how to become conscious of all the bad programming you have…
… you can go to work right away at REprogramming your mind.
And your mind feeds directly into your subconscious.
Let me tell you a story from years ago when I was dating a BPD girl…
Like I said, I was a deep Codependent. Full spectrum, baby. I didn’t know anything about the BPD relationship stages. Me and my ex took a vacation to a really nice island beach.
I was feeling super awesome in my new blue palm tree pattern board shorts. I didn’t think anything could go wrong on this trip.
Board shorts are the best because you can wear them pretty much anywhere. I still wear these same shorts from time to time. But back to the story…
This side of the island where we were staying had literally no surf at all. It was just crystal clear blue water. Very beautiful indeed.
You would think that with such a beautiful environment such as this, how could there possibly be Codependent issues?
Well, there were. And I really blame myself and take responsibility of course.
The girl I was dating (who is a pretty looking lady if I don’t say so myself) wanted to run around in the water and enjoy herself.
I said sure, be my guest. I’m going to hang out here on the towel and enjoy the sun.
Well, not even 5 minutes go by and there are already a group of guys making their way over to my girl in the water (guys think they’re so sly).
I decided I would stay where I was and just watch from the beach. And, there’s nothing wrong with that decision. I would still do the same thing.
The issue I had was my mentality. My codependent mind, that is.
My girl and the boys talked for a bit in the water. Nothing harmful, just some guys on vacation wanting to have fun and meet people.
There’s nothing wrong with that at all. They had every right to swim towards my girl and talk to her.
But my Codependent mind at the time didn’t like that.
The biggest problem that a Codependent has is that they do not like losing control of a situation.
This is quite funny because Codependents are also easily controlled.
It’s this desire to control every situation that makes them so easy to manipulate and push around.
It’s why Codependents are very easily pushed over the edge and easy to anger.
So anyway let’s get back to the beach story.
After my girl came out of the water in her cute black two piece (don’t tell my current girlfriend that I said that), she headed up the beach to her towel next to me.
She said hi. I said hi back. She lied down.
And she knew something was the matter, LOL (I love women because of how good they are at reading us silly men. You women are the best).
Because a Codependent is so easily thrown off and shaken from his core, other people can read us like a book.
They can see that something is disturbing us, even if we aren’t willing to admit it or talk about it.
Codependents are NOT good at hiding their feelings, no matter how much they try to hide them.
My ex being the type of girl that she was (which was an overly dramatic Borderline), she says to me:
“Don’t lie Rick I know when somethings up. You didn’t like me talking to those guys in the water, did you?”
Being a Codependent, I did NOT want to get into an argument right here on the beach about this.
It’s a beautiful day and I had these expectations that we were going to enjoy ourselves on our vacation and not let any issues present themselves.
I did what all Codependents do: I tried to diffuse the situation (and hide my feelings). I said:
“Nothing’s wrong. That doesn’t bother me. You can talk to whoever you want. Let’s just lay down and enjoy ourselves.”
But it was too late. My cards were already shown before I even opened my mouth. She could read my jealousy and insecurity all over my face when she was walking up.
These words that I actually spoke didn’t really matter.
If I was the person I am now and said these exact same words, her reaction would have been completely different.
In fact, she wouldn’t have even asked me that question in the first place since she would see that her talking to those guys truly doesn’t bother me.
Being Codependent sucks because you care way too much about things out of your control.
Using your conscious mind, you can see how it makes no sense for me to get all worked up about my girl talking to some random guys in the water.
Whatever fears you have that may transpire from that conversation doesn’t matter.
If she decides to cheat on you and run off with one of these boys, she made that decision a looooong time ago. Trust me, partner.
What I teach people is to trust the system.
Trust that life works in mysterious ways and that the things that happen outside of your body are not yours to control.
When you learn to accept this truth, life actually becomes a lot less stressful.
The Codependent lives a very stressful life because he or she is constantly trying to control situations in the relationship.
They’re worried about the people close to them, as well as what the random person in a grocery store might think of him or her.
It’s a very irrational way of living.
We live in a very crazy world. And it is a beautiful thing.
The sooner you can let go of control and allow the world to work in mysterious ways, the sooner you can really love and appreciate living.
So can two codependents date successfully?
Of course! This is because once you’re aware of your issues, you won’t actually behave like a codependent.
Often you hear people saying they feel powerless and out of control in their relationships.
Well, if you want that power back, it all starts with you learning to let go of this control.
Control is NOT power. Control is weakness. Control is fear.
Isn’t it time you learned how to harness this real power and control over your own life? Because self-control is really all that matters.
Me and my girl would have never had a failed vacation if I had that self-control and awareness, knowing that there’s nothing wrong with her talking to people.
That’s what I’ve got for you about codependent relationships. I take this stuff very seriously and I hope you do as well because we’re talking about the difference between a happy, fulfilling life… and a poor, regretful life.