Here’s a (long) story that a reader wrote in to me about his experience with a BPD relationship.
As with most people who find my website, they are looking for a way to have a romantic, fulfilling relationship with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.
If you have read my other articles, you know that I clearly dating someone with BPD is possible. In fact, it can be quite fun as long as you have the correct attitude and belief system that I teach.
Of course that is easier said than done. So, I want you to check out this story that was sent to me and see if you can find all the mistakes that this man made in his relationship.
As I have always said, learning what NOT to do is often more powerful than trying to learn some new “technique” or “tactic” that only temporary covers up the problem.
You want to be principle-based instead of tactic-based. This is an important mindset lesson you must accept if you want to have a successful BPD relationship.
Anyway, here’s the story. Like I said at the beginning, it’s long. I will give you clues to the mistakes and generally weird behavior with my bold WTF’s and comments so look for those.
Now grab yourself a cup of joe, lean back, and enjoy the ride.
Sorry in advance for the detailed story line, but I just thought it would serve a purpose and possibly allow me to understand what on earth has just happened to me.
And, hopefully allow me some sort of closure with your help since you have more experience than me in identifying the possible cause.
I distantly knew this woman from some years back, but didn’t have any kind of relationship. We sometimes bumped into each other very randomly over the years as we live in the same town in the UK.
Back in early Dec of 2013, she added me on Facebook. I accepted her friend request and me being inquisitive started looking through her profile. It seemed obvious that she was having issues with her boyfriend of two years going on the comments and things she was posting (WTF).
I didn’t immediately start talking to her until I noticed she was liking just about every status I had put up on my profile (WTF). I know another female who used to be best friends with my ex many years ago whilst at school. She also noticed that my ex was liking my status and commented to me through a private message.
She also told me to tread very carefully as my ex in her words was extremely scatty. She also mentioned that my ex was rather wild back then and reiterated to me to be careful (WTF). I was intrigued to find out more about my ex so I opened up conversation with her (oh lordy WTF).
My ex in my own eyes was extremely attractive. I did notice something rather odd about her posts that she always put a sentence like: I feel happy today, Or feel loved today, or feeling sad/excited today after just about every comment.
Anyway over the course of a couple of weeks we start to chat most evening and started to tell each other our life stories (WTF). It became very obvious that she was having a difficult time with the live in boyfriend
As we continue to talk on facebook, she mentions she is interested in purchasing some products that I sell in my business and we agreed that if ever she is passing to pop in and take a look. Before I know it, she’s standing in my shop. Instantly I could tell we both had an attraction for each other and the flirting began.
While I was showing her some samples, she out of nowhere was standing toe to toe with me. I naturally backed away as I’m not into breaking relationships up and knowing she had a boyfriend I didn’t think it was fair to all parties involved.
I then drove her to her grandmother’s as she doesn’t drive (WTF seriously). We exchanged mobile numbers and I said I would phone her to let her know the goods she had picked were in stock. She instantly was messaging me and asked if I liked her as she sensed that I moved away in the shop (ok WTF).
I explained that she had a boyfriend and it wasn’t fair. She then went on to say I was right and she would have been disappointed if anything materialized from it (lol wtf).
My ex then continued to phone me and text me informing me a couple of days later that she has told her live in boyfriend she wants him out as the relationship has run its course and she didn’t want him any more.
For the next couple of days, we continued to text each other and agreed to meet up. Over the course of the week these were the Red Flags that popped up:
- It seemed she was idealizing me from the word go (obviously a wtf).
- She informed me vaguely that something was wrong with her and that bad things happen to her or I would hear lots of stories about her, but that’s her life and she has to live with it (a clear wtf).
- She had a difficult childhood. Parents divorced when her dad caught her mum in bed with another guy. She went into further detail to explain that her mum has been married 5 times and has had endless relationships and she gets bored and moves onto the next. Her mum is currently in a 9 year relationship but as my ex states wants out as he doesn’t show her enough attention. My ex then stated she’s not like that (this is full of some wtf statements).
- My ex stated to me that her and her mum both suffer from depression and anxiety (aka wtf are you talking to me for).
- We had Sex on the second date, it would have been the first but I declined (after everything she told you. WTF!).
- She oddly told me that she adores porn and acting it out, but her ex thought she was weird and wouldn’t participate and asked me my views on it.
- She said as a child she was passed from relative to friends to just about anybody that would look after her.
- She used to take drugs, (coke) and frequently alcohol (wtf no).
- She was very promiscuous from day one always sending me very detailed sexy messages on what she wanted to do to me (yeah that’s a no from me dawg).
- Her boundaries or lack of them, she has an 11 year old boy who whilst I was around lived on takeaways pizzas and McDonalds (yep serious wtf). I never saw her cook once, plus he was always tired at school because he wasn’t going to bed until 11pm most nights and sat on his ipad until the early hours (wtf parenting).
- She only has 3 friends. One is a male around 65 years old (she’s only 32). She seems to meet up with him frequently for quiet drinks around tea time (he is her sugar-daddy paying her for sex). The other two are females who she doesn’t see that often. She did inform me once that both of them are being physically abusive, or are in abusive relationships with their respected partners (you attract what you project).
- My ex has no hobbies or outside interests (wtf).
- She was very promiscuous from the beginning and the sex was out of this world as if she was the star in some kind of porn film (cool).
- She told me that she is at the doctors most days but wouldn’t divulge why and said that she is on first name speaking terms with them and they all fancy her (wtf).
- Her bother told me she would constantly phone him up in the middle of the night/early hours of the morning and ask him to help her get an ambulance as she was dying. This has caused him to suffer from depression and anxiety for many of years (and you still continued to see this woman. WTF!).
- She has virtually no relationship with her two brothers and her father who will not have a relationship with her because of the years of abuse she has dished out to them.
- While I was with her, she would leave the front door unlocked all night to which I had to get a new lock and key as I was concerned about her and her sons welfare (wtf).
- Her house was absolutely disgusting. The dog was urinating and fooling around the house but she didn’t seem bothered. It had also ripped up the carpet (what the actual fuck man).
- She told me she has to have her mum visit most days or she will feel anxious and scared.
- Whilst I was with her, her phone would ring huge amount of texts from her ex. I mentioned one night that I felt I was having a relationship with her and her ex because the amount of texts she was getting (and here’s a classic, common mistake).
- She told me she was being harassed by a man on facebook. When I asked her if she had been in a relationship with him she said no, but the comments he was coming out with suggested they were.
- She was very secretive to where she was daily. She just seemed very shifty (she’s probably a prostitute or an escort of some sorts. Remember the sugar daddy?).
- It all seemed too good to be true (after everything you told me? I think you’re the crazy one here).
- She told me after a couple of days I was her soulmate and I was sent down from heaven to rescue her (lol wtf).
- After a week, was talking about marrying me, having my children and moving in with me (hahaha WTF).
- While she was in a relationship with her ex, her facebook status was single and looking. I asked her why she never changed it and her response was she just never did (and you believed her 😂).
- She told me she was into Karma. She has books in her house on the subject and other mental health books but I never saw her read any.
- Every time in the evenings she would ask me to go onto Facebook to talk as the texts would eat into her credit (she spends that escort money quick).
- She told me that when she had split up or was on a break with her ex, she had other relationships (because she’s an escort). One time they were on a break for the weekend and she had sex with someone else then went back to him (this happens all the time). I asked her if it was OK to do that and she said “I wasn’t cheating on him as we was on a mini break.” Laughable! (well this is normal behavior these days for women).
After about four weeks into the relationship, I noticed that she seemed to be going a little quiet on me (you continued to see her after all these red flags you discovered in the first 4 weeks? You deserve everything that happened to you).
It didn’t seem intense like it was before as that’s how she made it feel. She asked me if I would like to meet her and one of her female friends for a drink, but asked me to text her nearer the time as she didn’t know where she would be.
I wasn’t doing anything that night so agreed. I texted her and she replied back some time later to meet her at 8.30pm, but to text whilst I was on my way as she didn’t know where they were going to be (this is her way of saying that she changed her mind and doesn’t want to meet. You need to learn women code).
I text her at 8.20pm and informed her I was headed there. She replied and said to meet her at a certain pub at 8.30pm. I walked into he pub but she wasn’t anywhere to be seen (of course not as I said above). I got myself a drink and I thought she was running late so eventually I text her at 8.40 to tell her I was in the pub (fail).
She texted back and said she was on her way and would be a couple of minutes. She then warned me about her friend stating she was crazy but a nice person. I waited for another 15 minutes and still no show so I text her again and asked where she was as she only lives about two minutes away (I want to make it clear that this woman is most definitely an escort and was running late with her current appointment).
She told me she was in the pub next door all this time and got carried away talking but she will definitely be two minutes as she is leaving to meet me now. She eventually turned up 45 minutes late with her friend (and you stuck around like a chump all this time. Massive WTF dawg).
I was not amused and was about ready to finish my drink (takes you 45 minutes to finish a drink?).
Anyway I was a little annoyed with her and pulled her aside to vent my frustration without making it an issue. The look on her eyes was like the devil had shown its true side (because you’ve completely turned her off through your mistakes and she isn’t into you at all at the moment).
I was going to leave and thought “Well, I’m here so I might as well have a good night.” We continued to talk but I could tell from her expressions and mannerisms something wasn’t right (because you’ve pushed her away completely).
She randomly and aggressively started telling her friend that when we had a baby, she wants the best gear for it. Then out the corner of my eye, I saw this guy in the bar. My ex looked at me and said “Oh no not him.” He was already in the pub prior to my ex coming in as I had noticed him (one of her clients?).
She continued to say she knows him well and he is a drug dealer and fancies her. I was then subjected to listening to him telling her how he fancied her and loved her. She seemed awkward but never once said this is my boyfriend (she can’t piss off her clients bro!).
Instead, he continued to buy my ex and her friend a drink and talk directly in front of me. He would disappear then come back throughout the night and do and say the same things and buy them both another drink.
Then as we were at the bar, a female walked past with two drinks in her hand and asked if I would open the door. With that, my ex became verbally abusive and very loud towards her suggesting she was chatting me up and to disappear or she would beat her up (alcohol and mental disorders never go well together).
She then started looking at her friend to inform me that she was known for being hard and beating people up. Her friend was also mentioning when she had to rescue my ex from all the drugs in her life and suggested she used to be in a bad way.
I continued to talk to my ex and asked her about his and she nervously looked at her friend as if she had dropped her in it and refused to admit she ever had a problem.
We then continued to go to another bar and again my ex was back and forth to the toilet (doing coke I assume).
When she came back, she was giving the barmaid evil looks. I asked her why and she said she was staring at me and suggested the barmaid fancied me (coke + alcohol + mental disorder. Yikes).
I took this behaviour as her being drunk so we finished the night (much more than just drunk).
I walked her home only for her to be distant with me so I said my good nights and I went home (this is actually the first thing you’ve done right).
Then the following morning I received a text asking if I was awake. I replied yes (No no no no no. Always say No even if its a tease. Another example of why this woman is losing interest in you as the days go by. Has nothing to do with BPD).
Her response was to say she had another bad night and that im bang out of order for pulling her up (not sure what this means but I assume it’s her saying she’s mad).
I then over the course of several days was subjected to the most horrendous and vile messages attacking every part of my existence and never once did she apologise for being late for an explanation to why (let me guess: you would respond to her messages? Dumb).
She just kept reiterating that she trusted me and it was all my fault and that now she is a bad person. These texts continued for about 9 days and never got any better, each one making me feel guilty (okay time for a break).
This part warrants a lengthy response from me because most guys are terrible with their communication with women.
The relationship you’re reading about here didn’t fail because of BPD — it failed because this guy is a horrible communicator. He can’t read women. I doubt he ever set any boundaries.
When it comes to bullshit texts like this, I either wouldn’t respond at all, or I would reply with something completely nonsensical that has nothing to do with what she’s saying.
I’ve sent girls pictures of shampoo bottles, a burrito I’m currently eating, asked her how my shoes look, what kind of couch I should buy, if my socks are too long, etc. Just random things that show her how I’m not for one second paying attention to her bullshit.
This is a major difference between my correct mindset and his incorrect one.
I make it clear to women on date #1 that I am drama-free and will never dedicate any of my time to bullshit.
They’ll always test this core value so I do what I said above to show that I’m true to my word. This is very attractive and it’s why I’ve been able to successfully date women with BPD and other personality issues.
They need to know you’re true to your word and won’t put up with their bullshit. Once they realize you are who you say you are, they become very attracted to you and the bullshit ends.
Now let’s get back to the story. There isn’t too much left.
I have since received a couple of phone calls and texts which have stated “Hi hun how’s your day going” like nothing has happened (that’s because she’s moved past it. Again, you have a lot to learn).
I have questioned why she was acting like this and she replies back verbally attacking me over and over again threatening that she will never speak to me again (because you’re being an idiot by continuing to live in the past. This is a huge error that you’re making here).
I then a couple of days later received a text from her ex boyfriend asking if me and her ever had a relationship. He was demanding to know if we had sex. I bluntly told him to ask her to which he replied that she originally was told by her that she was seeing me and was in a relationship with me and that we were actively having sex (I bet you felt like a tough guy responding to him huh? Another stupid mistake. Why would you even entertain this guy for a second? What makes you think anything positive could come from that? Again, this is why you must review my rules for relationships).
She contacted him after we split up to tell him that she had lied and that we never had a relationship. He then went on to tell me 2 days after we split that they are back together but he hasn’t moved back in as she is taking things slowly with him (Stop talking to her ex boyfriend).
I did in a text tell her that I had spoken to her brother and her brother went into detail stating my ex has major Mental Health issues (now you’re the crazy one by bringing her family into this drama. WTF man…)
She went ballistic (rightfully so) and said she didn’t believe her brother would say that and that I was making it up. I will not repeat what the dozens of texts that I received went on to say as they were the worst and most abusive texts I have ever encounter (doesn’t matter as this is your fault).
By the way she never paid for the goods she purchased from me. She gave me some poor excuse that her mum who is on a pension and her 90 year old grandmother was very worried because they would have to pay for it and had no money so I paid for it (of course you did because you’re a needy chump who knows nothing about women. You got played hard and you deserved it).
I know now looking back there were major flaws in this relationship but my experience in these situations have up until now been very limited. Every person I have ever dated in the past have all gone on to talk to me and at least to be civil with each other (you finally dated someone attractive that is desired by other men. That’s the key difference here. It’s a completely different game at this level).
I have been tremendously hurt by this experience and behaviour and at my wits end on how I allowed myself to get into this situation (it’s because you’re extremely needy and would do anything for a “hot” girlfriend. You got played by the first hot woman that gave you attention).
It’s the closure that I’m struggling with, the explanation to why (I’ve given you the reasons why. You will not get any closure from her so don’t look for it. You’re just another guy on her long list of sad men that couldn’t please her).
A possible diagnosis or for someone to please explain to me what could be the causes of her erratic and unstable behaviour (obviously she has her own issues, but it’s nothing unusual. Millions of attractive women are like this. You just lack the skills that it takes to be in a relationship with attractive women who have plenty of options).
I know I’m not a doctor or a Mental Health professional and I would never try and diagnose anybody, but there has to be some kind of rationale explanation to this and what I have been through (you’re just trying to make excuses for your failures. You need to take responsibility for what happened instead of blaming her).
And that’s the story. Pretty wild, eh?
But nothing atypical. I get stories like this all the time from guys trying to figure out why they can’t seem to have a healthy relationship with a woman who has BPD.
In all honesty, this woman isn’t really that bad. I guarantee this guy is over-exaggerating the red flags he says about her. But, he only has himself to blame for sticking around.
Another point to make is that the sooner you set boundaries, the easier the ride will be.
She lost interest in him after just a few weeks because he had zero back bone. That’s the real reason this “relationship” died as quickly as it began.
Attractive women like this will lose interest in you the minute they discover your weakness. They’ll hit you at your weakness over and over again until they’re so sick of you that they’re in bed with the ex boyfriend.
This woman might have BPD. But she also has a drug issues, an anger issue, an alcohol problem, and I’m pretty confident that she’s also seeing several sugar daddies or escorting (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
The point is that this woman’s got a pretty intense life. Hence why it’s important to take it SLOOOOOW with these types of women. Let her figure you out over a long period of time.
She had this guy figured out in the shop when she went toe to toe with him and he backed down. It was at that moment that she knew he would be a good little pushover for a couple of months.
Once she got tired of him, she would drop him instantly and go back to the ex.
And that’s exactly what she did.
This guy was nothing but a little distraction to piss off her ex boyfriend. And it worked perfectly as she had planned.
So can someone with BPD have a healthy relationship? Are borderlines capable of romantic relationships?
Not if you make the mistakes that this guy made. There is a zero percent chance of success if you have the same mindsets and beliefs as the man who wrote this letter.
However, if you follow my advice and practice what I preach, you’ll have no problem dating people with BPD and enjoying the process.
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