This article has been long in the making. It’s a question that’s probably often in your head.
Can people with BPD really have a healthy relationship? Is it actually possible, Rick? Or are these people doomed?
These are the deeper questions that lie beneath a lot of the surface level questions you may have.
Because it doesn’t matter what techniques or strategies or whatever you may do.
If people with BPD aren’t even capable of having a relationship, what’s the point of trying to learn and improve things?
And that’s what I want to address today.
I’m at my kitchen table, the house to my self (my roommates are all gone for the week), and my 2nd cup of coffee.
I’m ready. Are you?
Let’s Forget About The BPD Label For Now
I mention this often and I continue to feel more and more strong about it.
Unless you’re in a lab giving someone a psychiatric analysis, leave the BPD label alone.
Just don’t stress out about it.
I can’t even tell you how many comments and emails I get every single day of people writing about the symptoms and asking if this is BPD.
I don’t know if it’s BPD. Why?
Because every single ‘normal’ person I’ve ever known has at one point or another done similar things that people with BPD do.
So to me, it really is a waste of time to throw around labels.
It causes you to make an excuse for their behavior meaning that if you determine your partner has BPD (in your own head), you start to ignore the behavior in a sense.
“Oh he has BPD, no wonder. It all makes sense now!”
BPD or not, abuse is never acceptable.
If you allow someone to emotionally (and physically) abuse you over and over again, they’re just going to keep on doing it.
They’ll keep pushing your boundaries more and more to see how far they can go.
You eventually become a punching bag. You’re walking on eggshells living in fear.
But they have BPD so you continue to allow it – at least, that’s the story you’re telling yourself.
It makes it ‘easier’ to accept things (for you).
You want to know why you never hear about successful BPD relationships?
It’s because these couples have no reason to talk about them. They’re too busy enjoying life.
What Is ‘Normal’ Anyway?
I actually don’t know what ‘normal’ is.
All I know is that when you look at the society we currently live in, I do not want to be normal.
Oh hell no.
Our society generally is a bunch of whiners, complainers, and a divided nation if you live in America.
People on the left hate the right and vice versa.
There was an article posted by Vox on Facebook yesterday about how Republicans seem to die earlier than Democrats.
All you had to do was look at the comments to see how lefties feel about righties:
And that’s just a tiny sample. There are hundreds of comments of people saying how all republicans deserve to die.
Pretty harsh, right?
This is just the society we live in. It’s pretty much considered ‘normal’ these days to be either left or right.
I choose to be neither. I choose to be different and to walk my own path.
I don’t care who becomes president. It’s ultimately my life that I have control over. And that’s really all that matters at the end of the day.
And this is really important to understand – you only have 100% control over yourself.
This is why trying to help someone or fix someone is really a waste of time.
It’s out of your control.
What Is A ‘Normal’ Relationship?
If anyone actually knew the answer to this question, then relationships wouldn’t be at an all-time low.
The truth is that people simply don’t know.
People generally have an idea of what makes for a successful relationship.
But their expectations are rarely met and the relationship fails.
If your idea of a ‘healthy relationship’ is to get a job, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after – good luck with that.
That’s what everybody else is doing. And divorce rates are through the roof.
Not to mention that a lot of couples don’t get divorced despite no longer loving each other.
So that ‘normal’ fantasy of a healthy relationship is actually pretty damn stupid if you ask me.
If you approach a relationship with that belief, which many people do, you’re going to be in for a big surprise.
It doesn’t even matter if you’re dating someone with BPD or not. Relationships founded on this ‘normal’ belief rarely ever last.
You might not get divorced, but the intimacy is gone and you just no longer turn your partner on.
That’s what has become ‘normal’ in our society.
So yeah – I don’t want to be normal. No thanks. Let all the ‘normal’ people go after that dream.
Let’s keep doing things differently, shall we?
That’s what my entire philosophy is based on. What my BPD Relationship Blueprint is all about.
Doing things differently. Taking a different path.
A path that’s worked for me and so many others.
No Relationship Is Perfect
I think this is the foundational mindset you have to ingrain into your head.
It seems obvious, and it is since perfection is a myth, but you’d be surprised how many people deep down have a desire for this ‘perfect’ relationship.
I don’t know if it’s Disney’s fault, the media, TV, magazines – or all of them combined.
All I know is that we live in a society that is constantly blasting us with perfection.
You can blame whoever you want for this reality, but at the end of the day you only have control over yourself.
And that’s an important realization because this one mindset alone is what really helped me a lot in my relationships.
Depending on your upbringing, you may have a lot of these expectations and assumptions about people and relationships in general.
You might not even realize it which is actually quite common from my experience.
But it’s these very expectations and assumptions that can become responsible for a lot of drama in BPD relationships.
For example, a lot of people that are failing in relationships complain about how their partner doesn’t support or respect him/her.
Yet this person complaining has no idea how to use empathy effectively. They might not even know what empathy is.
And so it really is no wonder that they keep experiencing drama in the relationship.
It Takes Two to Tango
At the end of the day, this is just the reality – even in BPD relationships.
It takes two to tango. Relationships are 50/50 as I always say.
If you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship, then who’s fault is that?
It’s easy to blame your partner. That’s what everybody else does. It’s ‘normal’ to blame others. It feeds your ego and makes you feel innocent.
But the reality is that you’re in the relationship. You’re just as responsible.
And only you have control over your feelings – not your partner.
The way you feel right now is 100% dependent on yourself. It has nothing to do with your partner.
If you’re ‘normal’, then you probably believe that your partner is supposed to make you feel good or happy or whatever.
But that is complete BS. That is a lie fed by society.
The idea that roses and dinners and gifts lead to happiness is one of the most profitable lies of all time.
It’s made many people quite rich.
People bring up respect quite often. Why doesn’t she respect me? Why is she always making me feel guilty?
Well, she isn’t making you feel anything. That’s all in your head.
You’re the one that has decided within yourself to feel guilty. Or shamed. Or hurt.
Those thoughts are all generated inside of your head.
You think she has some sort of mind control device where she presses a button and she controls your thoughts?
Of course not. That is just silly.
But that’s really how ‘normal’ people feel most of the time. That’s our society.
We’ve become so dependent on external forces that it’s become a mindset which bleeds into everything – including our relationships.
It’s such a cliche analogy, but do you really believe a guy like John Wayne would be dominated and controlled by a woman with BPD?
Not likely. In fact, it would probably be the opposite. She’d be running after him.
Just like how Marilyn Monroe was always chasing JFK. The fact that the relationship was kept a secret made him even more desirable.
In fact, the reality that he couldn’t be with her publicly may have led to her suicide. Who really knows.
All I know is that it takes two people to make a relationship work.
And while you may feel like you’re pulling all the weight and trying whatever you can to make it work, you’re actually making things worse.
It’s counter-intuitive to believe that less is more – thanks again to our ‘normal’ society.
But People With BPD Are Soooooo Disrespectful!
To you, this is the case.
To everybody else? Not likely.
It’s like the guy that assumes the girl who blew him off is a bitch.
“I tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t even look at me. She’s just a bitch.”
Well no, she’s just a bitch to that one guy. She might be extremely friendly and open to the next guy that talks to her.
This is usually a tough pill for most people to swallow because it pierces the ego.
But I’m here to share my knowledge. I’m not trying to make friends with everybody. That’s just foolish.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend may very well treat you like dog shit. But the next person they meet they’re extremely friendly towards.
And you may argue that that’s how people with BPD always are – nice in the beginning, then mean and disrespectful later.
But no, that’s just not true.
They’re only mean and disrespectful towards you because you’ve allowed it to get to that point.
It once again becomes a self-responsibility issue.
And I’m not saying that your partner isn’t responsible or to blame. Of course they are.
But it does you no good to sit here on the internet and point fingers. It does absolutely no good.
I Feel Good About Myself
People often ask me how I’m able to do it. How am I able to date anybody with no drama?
What is it about me that allows me to live a life like this?
The answer is simple: I feel good about myself.
Whether single or in a relationship, my feelings for myself do not change.
Those with drama in their relationships 100% of the time do not feel good about themselves.
Your partner may have a million issues going on. But you’re 50% of the relationship.
Making a relationship work isn’t so much about putting in a ton of effort and energy into your partner.
That sounds ‘normal’ because that’s what most people do.
In fact, because everybody does that, let’s just say that it is normal. That’s normal.
It’s normal to believe that you have to keep investing all this time and energy into making the relationship ‘work.’
Well, I choose to do things differently.
And it works for me.
I’m already at almost 2,000 words so I’m going to end it here.
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