Are you wondering if it’s actually possible to have a healthy, long-term BPD relationship? One with less drama, less hot/cold behavior, less trust issues?
Maybe you’re dating someone with unusual behavior and it has led you to learning about BPD, which eventually led you here to my website. And I got good news for you.
After many of my own personal relationships, as well as coaching both men and women over the years, it is absolutely possible to date someone with BPD for the long-term.
Is it going to be easy? No. But is any successful relationship actually easy? Hardly. BPD relationships, just like many things in life, require you to have the right mindsets and experience in order to succeed.
It’s not that people with BPD are crazy. Far from it actually from my experience. It’s just that they’ve been through a lot of experiences in life that have caused them to think differently.
My entire blog and everything I create is with the idea that if you can improve your life, would you? The mind is a powerful beast and I’ve seen many people improve their relationships just by changing they way they think.
In this article, I want to teach you the basics of what I believe are the foundations to building a long-term, successful, fulfilling BPD relationship – or any relationship to be honest.
Step #1: Focus On Yourself
This is the first step towards any improvement – it’s moving your focus off of those around you and onto yourself.
In this day and age, it’s very easy to be distracted by everything out there on tv, in magazines, on the internet and more. There are so many distractions that we lose focus on what matters the most: yourself.
When you lose focus on yourself, you lose your identity. You lose your character. You become a ‘drone’ as I say that constantly thinks about what you don’t have, what you need to do, what you can’t do, etc.
These are all fixed mindsets that lead to very poor habits and plenty of mistakes in life. Your relationships suffer and you lose respect because it’s hard for people to respect someone that has lost him or her self.
So what I always tell people when is that as long as you’re alive, make it a habit to learn new things, to expand your horizons and open your mind. My favorite way to do this is to read autobiographies from people that started from nothing and achieved great things.
I believe that the more you expand your mind and increase your intelligence, the more open minded you become. This naturally humbles you, makes you better at communication and understanding which are vital skills for any relationship.
The more experience you gain in life, the more value you can pass on to others. Experience is simply gained through learning new things. When you’re actively searching for ways to expand your mind, you’ll never run out of ways to experience more. This is why I love reading.
When you focus on growing your mind and gaining new experience, good things will come from it. Always be looking for ways to learn.
The opposite of the self-focused man or woman is the codependent. Instead of focusing on their own growth, they’re focused 90% of the time on their partner and the relationship.
This is actually a very poor mindset because relationships are about two individuals coming together. You are one of these individuals. For you to lose focus on yourself is basically abandoning 50% of the relationship. This is a very important concept you must understand.
Why is this so important?
- You cannot expect to have a truly open and honest relationship when you don’t even know yourself.
- You cannot expect your partner to have respect towards you when you’re not giving yourself respect.
- You cannot expect your partner to love and care for you when you’re not giving your own self the love and care you need. This must come from within.
- You cannot expect your relationship to be fun and fulfilling when you don’t even see yourself as fun and fulfilled.
- You cannot expect your relationship to last when all your time and energy is focused on your partner who’s deep down looking at your for direction.
The reason why a lot of relationships fail these days are not because of BPD… it’s because we don’t have the right mindsets of what it means to actually be a great partner.
Both you and your partner are guilty of this. But you can’t control your partner. You can only control yourself. So your focus needs to be on what you can actually control – which is you.
BPD relationships always start out fast and furious, full of good emotions and hormones. With a weak mind, it’s easy to overly commit and become emotionally attached.
You need to work on developing that strong, independent mindset I often talk about. It’s through this change of thinking that will enable you to succeed in your BPD relationship.
Here are additional articles to further your learning:
Step #2: Forget About BPD. Stop Labeling Your Partner
So while it’s important to focus on yourself 90% of the time, the other 10% of your time is what you use to learn about your BPD partner.
But I want you to completely toss the BPD label out the window. I want you to assume going forward that BPD just doesn’t matter – because it doesn’t.
I’ve coached many BPD’s, I’ve heard many success stories and testimonials and whatnot and the story is always the same: the people that successfully date people with BPD are always described as understanding but not a push over. They care but they don’t lose focus on their own wants.
This is basically what I described above. To be a great partner to someone that has BPD, you need to focus on yourself. Only then can you be in a position to truly understand your partner.
I know it sounds confusing. But this is how it is. Instead of focusing so much on an illness that really isn’t that serious, you should instead be focusing on developing your strength and boundaries and independence so you can be that strong partner every relationship needs.
Use this time to learn as much as possible about yourself – your wants, your needs, your emotions, your strengths and weaknesses. I specifically created the BPD Relationship Blueprint for accelerated learning. Or you can just read all of my articles and emails.
Often times I tell clients that they should work towards a point where they would be perfectly happy being single. When you actually reach this place mentally, it sends a very strong subconscious message to your partner.
It sends all the right messages such as: I don’t need your approval. I don’t need your validation. I’m dating you because I want to. But I can leave and I’ll be fine. I respect myself. I’m not going to rescue you. I’m going to take care of myself first and I won’t sacrifice my own worth to make you happy.
These messages are what is actually healthy in relationships. Understand that relationships are about growing together as a team. When you lose focus on your individual self, you stop becoming a team – you become a caretaker.
So while your partner may have trust issues, fears of abandonment, childhood trauma, etc., none of this really should matter to you.
Your mindset going into these relationships needs to be of the kind where you believe in the future. The past is meant to stay in the past and all you can worry about now is what you do today to improve your future.
This is the message you must send to the men and women you want to be in relationships with. Doing this will greatly improve respect factor and your partner’s will love you and look up to you as the leader for it. They will want to grow with you on this journey of improvement.
See these articles for more learning:
Step #3: Controlling Your Emotions
As you can see, I’m a strong believer in self-development and willpower. It’s what all the greats such as Michael Jordan, John Wooden, Muhammad Ali, Jack Welch, Phil Jackson, Kobe Bryant, etc. believe. It’s the mindset of champions.
It’s the belief in a growth mindset. I love the growth mindset because it’s all about self-development, self-motivation and responsibility. There’s no blaming, no excuses, no judgment.
It’s all about working on yourself every single day to be the best person that you can be. It’s seeing failures and obstacles as learning experiences. And as I said earlier, experience is the best weapon you can ever have.
These mindsets are equally important for BPD relationships. When you learn to accept the fact that you’re responsible for everything that happens in your life, you begin to tackle life differently.
You learn and you improve. You no longer become a slave to your emotions, constantly reacting to every bad situation that comes your way.
Instead, you’re calm and cool about things. Your greatest tests of willpower is always going to be in times of crisis, when bad things happen to you.
Are you going to lose control of your emotions and freak out, say things and do things that you’ll later regret? Or will you be passive and keep walking on egg shells?
Are you going to let yourself become overly attached when you know that healthy relationships take time and patience? Or will you just dive right into the honeymoon period and expect your partner to love you?
Healthy living starts with the correct mindsets. The focus must start with you and you only. From here, you can think like the great champions and develop yourself into a person that your partner will love to be with.
Here’s an article for further learning:
Step #4: Create Your Own World
A lot of people in BPD relationships end up playing the passive role. You allow yourself to get sucked into the dramas of his or her life and you forget about your own world.
This is a very common situation and it always ends with you walking on eggshells, cautiously navigating yourself through their world, trying to please them.
It’s in the beginning where things actually went wrong. You abandoned your own self, your own world, and decided to focus all your thoughts and energy on the world of your partner.
It’s chaotic at times, I understand. But you must have control. You must keep yourself from falling into the drama and whirlwinds that your partner finds him or herself in at times (or most of the time).
This is why I focus on building my own world all the time. Because I’ve worked so long and hard at building a pretty awesome world for myself, the women I date love to be brought into it.
It doesn’t matter if I’m dating someone with BPD or not. All women want to be a part of a guys awesome life. And because I never allow myself to get caught up in the dramas and difficulties of others, the women I date always find a way back into my world.
The drama is non-existent. I don’t fall into the common pitfalls of most people. I don’t get sucked into situations that don’t concern me. I believe in self-growth and that we’re all intelligent beings.
Just because a girl I’m dating may have BPD doesn’t mean she can’t take care of herself. I treat all people equally and expect everyone to be able to take care of themselves.
This means when I date women, I don’t go into these relationships expecting to provide or anything like that. And these women know that about me. Therefore, they respect me more and know they can’t push me around or treat me poorly.
Here are some things to think about if you find yourself struggling in your relationships. If you’re any of these things, then you need to work on developing the growth mindset:
- Easily predictable
- You go with the flow
- You’re boring
- You’re logical
- You never call the shots
- Your life revolves around pleasing your partner
- You’ve got no mysteriousness factor
Here are some additional articles about BPD you may enjoy reading:
Let’s Bring This All Together
So what have you learned today?
Hopefully, it’s that you now believe that you CAN have healthy, long-term relationships with a Borderline.
When you have the knowledge and the skills needed to succeed, these relationships are just as likely to succeed as any other relationship.
All the confusion and painful feelings you have is because you’re stuck. You’re just not sure what you should be doing right now.
When you learn about what to do, it’s easy to identify the problem and come up with a solution. It’s why I never find myself depressed and heartbroken.
Sometimes I get pissed off at women, but it’s never this painful, depressive feeling that eats at your soul. How can you expect to have a successful relationship when you’re just going with the flow, fearing the worst because you don’t know what to do?
You’ll eventually learn everything through your own experience, but that could take years. Or you’ll never learn which is the case with a lot of people.
It all starts with yourself, after all.
And if you really want to learn how to end that hot/cold treatment, to stop all the BS, to get all the skills and techniques you need to make the relationship work, then check this out while you’re here:
What experiences do you have with dating a BPD in the long-term? Please share your stories below :)