Life is crazy, ain’t it? There’s no telling what can happen. One day everything seems perfectly fine. No drama, no toxicity, no fighting – just love and smiles.
But then you wake up the next day and it’s like a completely different world. There’s drama, toxicity, and anger. You’re confused and you have no idea what the hell happened in a span of 8 hours.
This type of real-life shit happens more often than you’d want it to. And if you’re dating these days, I guarantee you’re going to date someone who has BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder is now the norm. Seriously. Nearly every woman you date will have some level of this personality disorder. Or, you can just call it “mental illness” which is the new term for everyone.
Got some weird problem? Mental illness. Not sure why you feel this way today? Mental illness. Suddenly bored of your boyfriend and want to bang your ex? Mental illness.
Ah yes, gotta love society. We live in a crazy world.
This is why I’ve spent the majority of my adult life figuring out what makes a person high-quality. In this 10+ year search, I can confidently say that most women these days do indeed have BPD aka mental illness.
It’s now one and the same. In fact, don’t be surprised if BPD is soon removed as a mental disorder and simply replaced with “mental illness.”
I can go on and on about social media and all that, but I did a lot of that years ago on this site. Instead, let’s focus on the new and what to expect in the future.
But before we dive in, I encourage you to check out my BPD course right here:
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
It’s really important that you think much bigger than just BPD. Yes, BPD is a personality disorder, but it’s practically a common attitude these days.
Nearly every man or woman with a hint of attractiveness seems to have these BPD characteristics. It’s basically become mainstream, which is why my website has grown in popularity this last year.
So knowing this, let’s talk about the basics of what I believe are the foundations to building a long-term, successful, fulfilling relationship – whether you’re with a Borderline or not (but you most likely are).
Step #1: Focus On Yourself
I was teaching this basic rule years ago. But it’s now become massively mainstream.
Head to any Instagram page of someone you admire and I’m sure you’ll find some large picture quote saying something about how you must take care of yourself.
Blah, blah, blah, what’s new. Thank you for spreading incredibly basic knowledge Ms. Basic! Lol.
But seriously, it’s so common now for people to post status messages and quotes about taking care of yourself because “no one else will do it for you.”
Again, this is very basic stuff that anyone who has ever experienced any success in anything understands.
So I find it funny when people are posting these messages, trying to preach to their followers.
It’s a major front when someone does this because if you have to preach this, you probably don’t really follow it.
As they say, those who can’t, teach. And those who can, do.
This is what our society has basically become: a bunch of teachers who can’t walk the talk.
Am I a teacher? Yes. But do I walk the talk? That’s for you to decide. It’s not my job to convince you that I know what I’m talking about. I write these articles and build programs with the hopes that I’ll resonate and connect with people who are looking for answers.
Your attitude and your character will always define you. People who tend to fail in BPD relationships are those who lack the attitude and the character that these people need in their life.
But you must ALSO think about the other side of the coin: is that attitude and character something that you want to be?
If not, then you’ll just be wasting your time trying to be someone that you can’t be (without being fake).
Makes sense right? Most people on social media are trying to portray themselves as someone they’re not – they’re fake. They’re fronting.
They’re trying to appear as this character that they’re really not… And when you date this person and see that they’re just being fake, the relationship blows up.
So what do you?
I always tell people that as long as you’re alive, make it a habit to learn new things, to explore the world, to open your mind FOR YOU and YOU ALONE.
My favorite way to do this is to read autobiographies from people who have been through the hustle, the rags to riches stories, the people who have gone from bottom to top.
I love martial artists and fighters because in the ring, it’s just them vs their opponent. So I read books by GSP, Ronda Rousey, Navy Seals and so on.
Books that are written by warriors, people who have ACTUALLY experienced challenge after challenge and fought through it. No fronting. No being fake. No author behind a desk just writing ‘how to succeed’ while sitting behind a desk with a big donut.
The next part of self-growth is Exploration. You need to see yourself as an explorer, someone who loves to go to new places and try new things.
Wondering how to make a date awesome? This is how you do it – you explore something new, test it out, and then bring people to it for a great experience.
The reason why your BPD relationship may be failing is simply because you don’t bring your partner into your world – you are too busy worrying about their blow ups, rage, insults and so on.
You’ve completely lost touch with your own self, your own life, your own exploration and growth.
As irrational as your partner may be, you have to remember that the only person you can control is yourself.
BPD relationships always start out fast and furious, full of hormones. With a weak mind, it’s easy to overly commit and become emotionally attached, trying to fit yourself into the Borderline’s way of life.
However, this soon fails because the Borderline is actually looking for a way out. Dating women in general is about showing her a new world.
Because despite how “amazing” her world might look on Instagram… the reality is that she poops and pees just like you and me.
All those photos and filters is just an illusion. No matter how flawless she looks, she isn’t happy without a man who’s going to pull her out of her world and show her something new and exciting.
Here are additional articles to further your learning:
Step #2: BPD Symptoms Are Everywhere These Days
For a long time now, I’ve been telling men and women to drop the BPD label. I get a lot of flack for this.
But the reason I tell people this is because I’m constantly in the trenches. I’m surrounded by these Instagram “stars” and women who are “impossible to get.”
To me, BPD has basically become “normal” since nearly every girl around me behaves like they’re Borderline. I see the same erratic behavior almost every day.
And yet these women do eventually find a man who understands them, who can be the rock to their erratic waves.
Despite what you may read about online from bitter, frustrated individuals, BPD relationships can definitely work and succeed.
You just won’t hear about it on a forum because these people are too busy with their lives to write on a message board.
Most people who get into relationships with a Borderline are unprepared. They lack the skills. They lack the attitude and the character that these partners need.
Being fun, being mysterious, being firm and assertive are just the beginning of what it takes to succeed in these relationships.
Take a self-inventory and see if you lack one (or all) of these things. Most codependents don’t have any of these which is why their relationships fail.
A lot of people complain about how their partner has trust issues…
Well, if you experienced a dozen men on a daily basis trying to manipulate their way into your pants, wouldn’t you have trust issues?
Welcome to the world of being an attractive woman! Lol…
So while your partner may have trust issues, fears of abandonment, childhood trauma, etc., there’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is focus on being someone that they can trust, over time.
There is nothing you can actively do to “convince” your partner to fully commit and trust you. The real world just doesn’t work that way.
If you’re an entrepreneur, then you’ll know that you can’t trust anybody because even your closest friends can steal your ideas. I’ve seen this happen over and over again.
So a Borderline isn’t going to just give you their all. You’re going to have to earn it. Disability or not, people will never fully open up and trust you. It’s just the real world.
Codependents get hurt by this fact because they feel like a relationship is about being completely open and honest all the time, constantly.
But this is a false reality. So don’t fall into this belief system.
See these articles for more learning:
Step #3: Emotional Control and Avoiding the Immediacy Effect
I love to follow the stories and growth of athletes, fighters, warriors – people who have mastered control of their emotions so that they can remain tough no matter what challenges come their way.
If you get anything from this article, it’s the fact that you need to see yourself as a warrior – someone who faces challenges head on and isn’t afraid.
Many people fail in relationships because they fear conflict. They fear that they’ll rock the boat. They walk on eggshells and fear their partner.
If you’re dating somebody who is physically abusive, by all means you should fear this person – and get the hell out of this relationship.
There is never any excuse for abuse, BPD or not. You must not use the BPD label as an excuse to let abusive behavior continue in a relationship.
All to often, I get messages from women who are trying to date men who are married and abusive – these men are simply unavailable so if you are pursuing someone like this, it’s you who needs the help – not your lover.
You need to detach from these men. It is a disorder on your part to pursue men who are abusive and unavailable for you, allowing yourself to be manipulated into their bed.
I take these relationships very seriously. I believe that it is much more damaging for a woman to date an abusive man than for a man to date a woman with a personality disorder.
Men are naturally leaders – women want to be lead. Knowing this alone, it is much easier for a man to date a woman with a personality disorder such as BPD.
Like I said, I’m surrounded by these types of women on a daily basis. I’ve dated dozens of them and know many men who successfully do it.
On the other hand, women have a much tougher time with BPD males because there are other issues that are damaging to women.
In other words, women have much more to lose than men when it comes to relationships.
So ladies, please be wise with your decisions when it comes to choosing a partner. If you find yourself attracted to these men, and you cannot help it, then that’s why I’m here. I’m here to help you change your mentality.
In this day and age, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of wanting immediate gratification.
This new person you met has given you that charm and attention you’ve long desired. You believe that you’ve finally found the man or woman of your dreams.
Next thing you know, you’re devastated a few weeks or months later when this person has gone cold and moved on to someone else.
It’s smart to avoid the honeymoon period – so please don’t fall victim to it.
Keep your emotions under control. Don’t fall into the immediacy effect.
Remember that if something seems to good to be true, it probably is.
Here’s an article for further learning:
Step #4: Create a World You Love to Live
I love this quote by Jay-Z:
“9 to 5 is for those who want to survive. I don’t want to just survive, I want to live life to the fullest and love it.”
I have a love for hip-hop and the culture because good hip-hop is good poetry full of metaphors and lessons about life.
Many of these artists come from the hood, raised with no father figure and no money. So much of their success is due to their hustle on the streets. They know what it takes to survive and thrive.
If you don’t come from the streets, then often times you end up being a passive individual, just going with the flow of life and allowing yourself to fall into routine.
You’re probably working behind a desk, doing the 9 to 5 life and taking home a steady paycheck.
This is fine and dandy, but it definitely doesn’t get your lover’s juices flowing – women could care less, in other words.
What we humans are drawn to is what we do outside of the office: our passions, our hobbies, our vision, our attitude, our mentality and so on.
This is why my focus is constantly on the future. I don’t buy into this whole “Live today like it’s your last.” That’s just the worst mentality because I want my future to be great.
It is important to understand that the only moments that matter are in the present…
But it’s equally as important to realize that what you do in these moments should be about molding your future, building your world on a strong foundation, pursuing passions that you love.
This is what builds that deep desire in your lovers. This is what people are drawn to.
The problem with our current society is that most people just don’t understand this. Men feel like they need to learn pick up lines and routines to get a woman interested in him.
But you have to ask yourself this question – what kind of woman would be interested in a man who uses lines and techniques to “hook” a woman?
Only a woman who doesn’t really have much experience and self-respect.
We live in a very strange world and as long as you’re trying to please the world, you’re going to have issues in your relationships – BPD or not.
Here are some things to think about if you find yourself struggling in your relationships. Are you:
- Easily predictable
- You go with the flow
- You’re boring
- You’re logical
- You never call the shots
- Your life revolves around pleasing your partner
- You’ve got no mysteriousness factor
Start here. Think about these things and be honest with yourself when you take a self-inventory.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
alex harrington says
i currently was dumped by my BPD girlfriend but have fallen completely head over heals for her so im going to get her back but my one main question is what can i do to achieve this as my goal
I don’t know if your relationship will work. I have dated a borderline and it didn’t work. Even when I set boundaries, stood up for myself, and demanded respect. The boundaries were constantly tested and the only thing left to do was end the relationship. There was also violence and emotional abuse from her which isn’t cool. What do you do then Rick? You love the woman, but she doesn’t know how to love herself. I know you say take care of yourself, but I already was and she was not. I also grew tired of her bullshit and the constant rollercoasters. Guess I was just looking for a more stable relationship.
Yeah, it really depends on how you establish the relationship. This is why first impressions are so important. Before you even date a girl, she should already have an idea of who you are, your boundaries, what you’ll put up with, etc. That way, she knows exactly what she’s getting herself into and you kind of always have the ball in your court if that makes sense. And she’s going to test your strength but that’s actually a good opportunity for you to show her you’re consistent with who you are. This is what I do and it’s why I can date BPD women.
“It’s actually been awhile for me since I’ve had a big outbreak with my girl. She respects me and knows that I could leave at any given moment and am willing to break up with her if she gets super crazy. That is powerful stuff.”
What if the girlfriend (in this situation I’m the crazy-BPD girlfriend) thinks her boyfriend (of 4 years!) will leave her/break up with her when she has a bpd episode? Usually my anger/destructive behavior appears during a fight with my boyfriend which I completely feel like it’s the end of the world and convince myself (most unflatteringly) that he will leave me. By the way, he DOESN’T want to leave me (he’s know about my issues since day one). I also can’t fathom my boyfriend not coming and helping me when I get in these moods. If left alone (as you suggest to just walk away if the bpd-er says something to start a fight/crazy-bitch moment) my bpd-ness grows and grows until I am almost inconsolable and can only think of death/self harm. I can’t trust myself and I need my boyfriend with me at those times. Do you still feel like he shouldn’t be there? He should just walk away? I can’t handle my emotions and it seems counterproductive for him to walk away. Even if I am telling him he hates me and he should just leave etc etc. If he were to leave during those kinds of fights I would take it to reeeally mean he doesn’t care and has given up and I am unworthy of any kind of compassion/love.
Hey Susie, it just sounds like your boyfriend understands you well. The bigger question to me is why you two are getting into these fights? What’s triggering them? Once you can figure out what’s triggering your anger and behavior, you can bring that to the surface and work on fixing that issue. Because what you’re feeling is a deep, inner pain inside of you. It’s a reflection of a problem and you have to handle that if you ever wish to move forward and heal.
I understand Susie. When I’m in a state of dysphoria all I really need is to be held and told it’s all going to be okay, that he loves me, and that we’re in it together. Silent treatment and “tough love” don’t work, if that’s what I’m experience, and only lead to a spiral of despair and suicidal thoughts. I think those tactics can contribute to building loneliness in the relationship and, even worse, resentment. Of course, no one should just sacrifice themselves for someone else’s storms. It’s just a little, “Hey, I love you, it’s okay. We can work this out when you feel better” and a good hug help can work wonders to defuse a bad situation fast.
I love this response, good stuff. That’s what a real man would say :) Ignoring is passive-aggressive and definitely NOT what I teach here.
My BPD girlfriend of 9 months has done everything from verbal abuse to physical abuse. She has not cheated though. I left her every time she acted like this, sometimes I didn’t contact her for days because I will not tolerate it yet when I returned after she promised she wouldn’t do it again, nothing changed. I haven’t spoken to her in the last week and she is constantly phoning and sending texts apologising. She has been to see a doctor and she is been sent to get tested for BPD and treatment. I want to return but I fear she will betray me as her moods are escalating. I know how to handle her behaviour but betrayal would hurt too much because I love this woman… I have arrived at that moment, to decide if I want to continue…
I talked to Carl over email and I just wanted to point out here that his woman is beyond BPD, she sounds almost psychopath to me with probably HPD, NPD, bipolar and everything else under the sun. Carl is handling the situation correctly however. He shouldn’t ever take any abuse and neither should you. If you sit on the bed and passively let a girl rip into you, reject you, insult you etc. you’re really just showing the girl your weakness. Not good.
Hello again Rick,if you notice today I have spent an insane amount of time looking for answers,not answers for her but surprisingly answers for myself,I’m not unreasonable and my need to figure this out is for me,the anger I felt and the rage I went through was absolutley hell,Ive never been through this much bedlam and not had a clue how to fix it,some background here I’m 44 years old she is 41,she was raped at an early age and while trying to help her cope, I had a terrible like movie in slow motion memory come back to me I was baby sat everyday from the age of 2-5 and I remembered the 3 teenage girls that watched me raped me repetedly at that age ,you talk about destroyed,hurt ,mad all of it see they would play with my little guy then pee on my face forcing me to use my tougue to get air,so ya I know the pain she felt (I had blocked it all out) and what she had in her heart from so long ago,ok moving on, her mother still denying it ever happened and saying to her”it’s the womans place to make your man want to come home”blew me away”,I always thought that if your relationship is strong you would want to go home to her and vise versa.
anyway,her mother got sick and she started in about why can’t she see what she has done to me?and after 2 hours of taking my Libra diplomacy to it’s breaking point I simply said,Angel Eyes (pet name)do you love your mother? she said yes crying,I said girl,let it go,she is from a very different world than our generation,she cant go back,just tell her mom it’s ok,she started but,but,I said honey you love her and she has been reaching out to you lately,let her have some piece and give her your absolution by saying “it’s ok mom”.
She went to see her mom I did not go,funny Ive never been to her parents home in 3.5 years,but any way she did it,came back and cried on my shoulder thanking me,it’s was nice to really be there for her,1 month later,she started hanging around my ex and I think it was because if she was with her she knew I would not be,at any rate I took my son back to ex place and they pulled up and she got out got right in my face and started screaming and close fist hit me once then slapped me twice,I’m 6foot 4 inches 230 lbs,and I was pissed I went toward her stopped and went over to the car she was driving which is owned by a guy she had a fling with told she would marry then dummped him,any way my anger after 2 years of not doing anything caused me to remove the fender right off the car with my foot,and then I stopped got back in car and left.
She had been beaten by a former boyfriend of 5 years and died for 4 minutes from it,I would never hit a woman but that was I felt her attemp to get me to hit her to have a reason to be pissed at me to make me as low as she felt and to prove I’m just like the rest.I dont know it was my guess at the time.
I am ashamed of the damage to the car,I guess that was the end of my mental disaplin,she is such a beautiful intellegent woman and it’s is such a tragety that no one can hold her up and show the world just how proud she can be to feel the love of a man that simply wants her to accept the love I freely offer,I’m passed thinking I can help.
Last I said to her was:” I’m wanting what I do deserve and thats respect”,I will not contact you anymore If you can repect me and yourself when at least with me and understand that I have never let you down in 3 years and have not waiverd then perhaps just maybe I’ am not going to abandon you,I did not come 3.5 years to give up,but it’s ur turn to show me you care enough about yourself to try,not for me but for you.
she then was diagnosed with PTSD,and from what I have read through in the last 12 hours about BPD seems identical to 80% percent of her behavior,I do wish thangs were different,If I had known then what I know now,I could have brought out maybe just a little of that woman inside I could always see in her and been the man she needed me to be.
PS I remembered the name of the teenage girls looked them up went to their address now and they were all sick old, wheelchair and oxygen tanks,I just pulled away and thought i don’t need anything from them,they have nothing for me.
You really need to put yourself first before anyone else. This is something most people forget. When you put yourself and your needs and your wants and desires before anything else, you’re not going to get sucked into a bad situation regardless whether she has BPD or not. It’s simply not going to manifest around you.
So I recently learned that I have bpd and it puts so many things in perspective. I was in a few terrible relationships and honestly had absolutely no idea why. I was the full fledged roller coaster ride of emotional death and disturbance. I’ve since educated myself on the disorder and go to therapy. I’m not stable yet but I can now catch myself starting to overreact and try to talk myself out of it. I completely agree with you, Rick. Boundaries and standing up for yourself if you’re the boyfriend is crucial. We need to know that our behavior tho involuntary, does not come without consequences. But if the woman isn’t aware of her condition and is not actively working towards getting better, well, I can see it being nearly impossible to maintain
Exactly – if the girl isn’t aware of her condition or is in denial about it, it will be tough because they won’t change. But you can change yourself. You can become more independent, you can stop focusing so much on her and just worry about yourself. This will naturally make you more attractive and your partner will want to be more in your life since you’re not spending so much time thinking about her.
Rick my man, listen I appreciate your blogs and what you do in attempt to get people aware of bpd. I’ve recently come across your blogs and generally agree with just about everything your touching upon regarding the bpd and relationships. However, I most recently had my gf of the past 7 years decide we take some time apart and not be together as a couple. All while still wanting to talk regularly. Anyways, she has bpd and has never been properly medicated for it and at the same time denies having bpd amongst other issues like depression and bad anxiety. So, where I disagree with you is when you say it can still be done and made to work even though the bpd partner is in denial and not being treated. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I beg to diff my man. I’d love to hear of some instances you know of where it worked or some facts or something. Because let me tell ya, it’s IMPOSSIBLE. Until the person can come to terms with their bpd and accept it and actively try and get the proper help how does it ever change???? Guess what…..it doesn’t. Bpd doesn’t cure itself. Throughout the 7+ years we had great times and plenty of bad ones too. Roller coaster would be an understatement. Anyways that was my main point I wanted to get out there. I’d love to read more stories of relationships where the bpd partner is not being treated and maybe gets some feedback on that and just hear more examples. I can also honestly say that even though she technically was the one that decided to end it. At the same time it’s bitter sweet because of all the ups and downs. Defintley have deep feelings for her and always will. But eventually it began bringing me down along with her situation. I also kinda moved a bit fast in the beginning. Some things I would have changed in the beginning of I could. Even if I had the knowledge I do today about this kind of relationship I still don’t think much would be different in the end. Her attempts to down grade me or insults got to me sometime in the start but eventually garnered my own way of defusing the situation by not feeding into the fire. Mind you, we loved together for 5 years also. I would simply take a ride and come back home and most of the time her episode would be done with. But it just always seemed everything no matter how good it got were always temporary. That’s why I’m not so sure I can totally agree with long term relationships with untreated partners can last either. I got to know her very well and she did the same towards me throughout the years. She had a very hard upbringing, got into the wrong crowds drugs etc. moved up to nh to be with her mom and get away. But her mom although a very good lady also denies her bpd and I know a lot of that comes with protecting her daughter at all costs. She left her at a young age around 14-15 and when she reached back to mom she was there but for a lot of the wrong reasons. Her attempts to make up for lost time and almost enabling her daughter. Being a friend before parent. She was apparently dependent on stimulant meds that her mom would be prescribed and be giving them to her every month. She began abusing them during our relationship once she got comfortable which took a few months once she knew I was committed to her. But that’s the thing I was committed to her but not codependent or desperate or any of those things you’ve mentioned. I very seldom let her walk over me or disrespect me even though she would try all the time. I almost became use to it, but at the same time was aware of of her episodes and what they entailed. I always prepared myself, I never knew who k was coming home to half the time. So I know you say focus on you and do you which I have done and always will. anyone close to me or that knows me would say I’m a very strong person both physical and mental. No you may say I let her walk over me this and this but the truth of the matter is I cared and still do care deeply for this girl. It’s like I’ve known Her my whole life we know so much about each other. Together or not we will always be in each other’s lives one way or another. I just really hope someday she realizes things and tries to get help. But at the end of the day you need to want to help yourself. Thanks for what you do though man, it’s good stuff keep it up
Joseph. 29 NH
Yo no problem man it’s okay to disagree. I just want to touch on part of what you said here and it’s that she has depression and anxiety issues. So for me, I just ignore the BPD label. You’re dealing with depression and anxiety which are serious issues. So if she’s not willing to try to help herself on these two issues, then yeah you’re not going to have a good time. It’s going to be very difficult for you. You are correct, the relationship will never work out. Why? Because people that are depressed have no self-love. How can you be in a relationship when you have no love to give? It doesn’t make sense.
Now on the other hand, if she got help for her depression and anxiety, would she still have BPD? Yes. Like you said, it’s something that they have. She’ll be a non-depressed, non-anxious BPD. There are a lot of BPD’s like this because they recognize that they got issues and they work on changing themselves for the better.
So your job here isn’t to get her help or be there for her. That’s not your job man. Only she can decide to fix herself. What you should do is have the attitude that until she decides to work on herself and get help, you’re not going to be there for her. Because when you do, you’re indirectly showing her that she can just come to you and you’ll be there. You need to say no and not be there for her. She needs to work on herself man. Thanks for writing in bro there’s a lot more I could say but this should get you started in the right direction.
anything long term and seemingly healthy. The testing does become less sabotage like but will probably never go away. I used it to get rid of my boyfriend because I knew (false) he would leave anyway. Now I spare men the headache if getting involved with me until I’m at a place where I can handle a relationship. It’s a rocky road but achievable.
Unfortunately, 99% of guys end up getting this ‘Omg this girl needs a man like me to rescue her’ mentality even if they don’t know it and that’s when shit hits the fan. Instead, you just need to understand that you can only control yourself. You cannot control the actions of others. So knowing this, trying to help or save your partner is really a lost cause. Just work on your own independent nature because that’s infinitely more attractive.
i have bpd myself and i am in therapy,would be happy to answer any questions anyone might have.I have known for a year i had bpd,and my behaviour has improved lots since then even though i feel terrible inside sometimes.I spent 6 months on my own getting my life together and i have been seeing someone for 2.5months now.I was very clingy in the beginning as when he didnt see me for 3-4 days i would feel like he didnt like me,i would whinge a bit about it.i have been honest about my bpd and he knows i attend therapy weekly,im taking it one day at a time. I feel i want a healthy relationship with equal amounts of give and take and im even starting to feel good when i get to spend time on my own when were apart. What i am struggling with right now is the feeling of suffocation when he stays the weekend and i think its because im scared he will leave and ill be left with a broken heart because hes been in my life so frequently,also maybe ive got used to being alone and clearing up my last exs messes and now its calm and quiet and i just dont know how to handle calm and quiet without feeling bored and agitated. For the most part though im doing fantastically and im so proud of my developing ability to ride out the bad patches and build a relationship with my new bf slowly and without drama,i will get there im sure.Not all bpders are going to go out of their way to cause drama,some of us know we are sick and want to make others happy and dont want to inflict our illness on others….this site is lovely because it shows not everyone thinks we are monsters lol
Hey thanks for the comment. No, BPDs aren’t monsters. They just lack a lot of what us normal folk got. But then a lot of normal folk end up with these crazy emotional attachment issues. So there’s really no middle ground lol. My advice to BPD’s is the same as I give to everybody else: learn what makes you trigger, what sets you off, and work on defeating that inner problem. That’s key to life happiness. It’s simply becoming 100% comfortable with who you are. If you are not comfortable with yourself, then do what you can to get there. It takes work but hey that’s why my course is really big and in-depth.
Please anyone help. I have been with my partner for 3 years and then all the sudden this hit out of nowhere. I had to have her arrested and am currently getting the churches help in getting her to a safe place to get a handle on this. I love her so much but I’m not sure if I can handle this. At this point my only thought is to get her the help she needs and to be a good friend and support. It is still in the back of my mind being with her for the rest of my life. Can someone with
BDP have a lasting relationship? She has lost most of her family but has my support along with lots of friends. Will I ever get my Steph back?
Uh this is probably much more than BPD lol. Having her arrested probably means she has other issues that need dealing with…
Sarah are u available for a conversation, my girlfriend of a year just found out she’s bpd on Friday, and iv bin dealing with it for a year already without knowing what it was, and now that we know it seems muh more harder and I’m at a place where I don’t know what to do. I love her with all my heart but I don’t know how to get through this
What is there exactly to ‘get through?’ And why is it hard? I have programs and articles all over this website that should make it really easy. Just change the way you think about things, read my articles, get my programs if you want and you shouldn’t have any trouble. These relationships aren’t difficult to be in when you educate yourself in the correct manner (which means avoiding all the other sites online since they’re all negative).
I have recently left my wife and have met a lovely girl who recently told me that she suffers from BPD. Our relationship started just as I was about to leave my wife with whom I have a young child with. I have since moved in with my girlfriend and we have been together for nearly 6 months now.
My wife and I remain on good terms and although I am happy with my new girlfriend, she is getting increasingly jealous of my ex. She is trying to stop me from seeing her but I have to as I go and see or collect my daughter every day. I tell my girlfriend that I left my wife because I didnt love her but this doesnt help, she still keeps getting anry and phoning me etc when Im with my daughter/ex which then upsets my ex.
I havent introduced my girlfriend to my young daughter as my ex doesnt want this to happen due to my girlfriends issues and the fact that she see’s her as ‘the other woman’ and Im beginning to agree that it may not be the best thing to do either as my girlfriend is getting quite aggresive. Do you have any advice on this? Do you think I should introduce them even though my ex is against this? Is my girlfriend likely to be nasty in front of my daughter as she is turning into a different person now.
Great stuff, somehow I met a woman in college, and little did I know she has been triangulating/seducing me with her husband, boyfriends et al. for 30 years.
Finally when I we were both “single” I decided to see what this woman was all about. Turns out she has many BPD signs/symptoms. I agree completely with your insight in to the pluses of dating a woman like this.
I have been seeing a therapist about dealing with her, and their techniques didn’t work. I see the logic in your approach. I am and have been the emotional rock you talk about, but I didn’t have the technique of just leaving. Everything they teach in therapy is “talk”… but actions speak louder than words.
I am about to meet her again after a “break” by me, she wants to “talk”. I have used your technique of lowing my investment, and availability. I was wondering if you had any more insight or ideas of how to establish respect? Would you recommend I lay out the foundation here, tell her what is going to happen? Or just go and listen to her, and then if I run into the crazymaking just act…? or….
Thanks again, great stuff!
This is what I would do if I were you: If you decide to meet up, do it a manner where it’s something you’re already doing. Like for example say you’re going to the mall to pick something up. Have her join you. Don’t try to meet on her terms at a coffee shop. That will just create an awkward 1 on 1. The best dates/meet ups are where you’re doing something and you bring her along.
Just wanted to write. Great website. I’m actually planning on writing an e-book on relationships with BPD males. The topics a little more complex being that most of them have traits of NPD as well but I agree that RESPECT is the highest form of love in these roller coaster relationships. They cannot love you if they don’t respect you!!!! My BPD showed his ass on numerous occasions but he always came back because I demanded respect for myself. Triangulation and Arguments I always walked out on. Just took myself off the roller coaster. I happened to be reading a book called the “Art of Seduction” and in many ways it saved my life. It helped me to understand that we all have seductive power and we all have to learn how to use it. It’s an essential survival skill.
I eventually ended up dumping mine and never looked back because the narcissism, neediness and entitlement were off the charts. Unfortunately mine lives on a few feet away so I see him damn near every day. Of course he looks like shit and I know like I know like I know that he misses me as much as I miss him. There are days when I want to turn back the hands of time but for the most part I say move the fuck forward. I could never respect someone who lacks the ability to respect themselves. Plus they can never be trusted!!!!! Even when you stand your ground they violate trust just because of their weak sense of selves and their incessant insecurities. I learned how to have better boundaries for myself but they simply don’t have any boundaries of their own.
There are plenty of fish in the sea and they are not God’s gift from heaven. Yes they can be interesting, fun, risky, and awesome in the bedroom but they are emotionally undercooked. For me that will always undermine the entire relationship.
Too each their own. I’ve been dating my BPD girlfriend for over a year now and we haven’t had any issues for a long time. I do have a lot of previous experience however and a lot of bad relationships and crazy experiences and broken hearts. I’ve learned a lot to get to where I am. Now I don’t know much about dating BPD males but I agree that they must be rough since males naturally are more domineering in relationships and the leaders. I do get plenty of women coming to me for help, but it is much harder simply because I don’t have the experience of dating BPD men. But I believe that they can work out if you learn to not let them walk all over you.
Did any of your gals ever felt like she wasnt happy anymore? That she needed time to “think” about you two?
Ive been dating this diagnosed BPD for more than 7 months now. We had our ups and down. She warned me about BPD, I informed myself alot and decided I wanted to keep going. I was and am ok with the “roller coaster” as long as she keeps the connection is my rule.
We passed christmas and new year’s eve time together and we generally had good times but we had couple of downs where she needed her “space”
Then when I moved back home after those 12 days together, she really wants her space, and says shes not happy with relationship etc…
I feel we have much more to share, but I wanted to see, could it be one of her downs? One of those hate phase? Did it ever happen to you that your girl was not happy in the relationship?
We had really good times, yes at the beginning during the “honeymoon” phase, but even since stuff have more rollercoaster-like we, or i?, almost found ourselves back together and been able to be happy and all
So ya deep within me im saying that shes down amd we’ll work things out
But perhaps really she isnt happy in this relationship and BPD has nothing to do with it?
Id love to exchange some mails if possiblr
Thanks in advance for any inputs :(
Yea I can totally relate man. BPD’s tend to be very up and down. It’s just how the relationship is. My advice is that whenever anyone is asking for space is to give them the universe. Don’t be thinking about trying to make things happier for her or better for her. Just tell her ‘I’m glad you said it first’ or something lol. Most guys make the mistake of trying to fix things or make things better. This is the opposite of what you should do. Just let her have her space and don’t get sucked into her negativity. There are much deeper issues going on here and it’s probably a sign that she’s just not that into you anymore, but I could write up page after page about that. Check out my course and articles if you want more answers.
My boyfriend/fiancee (who is also the father of both my kids) has BPD ( ithink) he refused to go see a therapist. He has alot of the sypmtoms rage and verbal abuse out of no where. we have this love/hate relationship. I love him and i know he loves me but out of the 7 day week we may have 3-4 good days. We have been together for 4.5 years I dont know what to do. this is not a relationship that just happend. He started showing the signs of BPD in 2012. I love him and want to marry him and want to be a happy family but I cannot continue the verbal abuse. I have walked out plenty of times (2 week hiatas) only to come back because he says he loves and misses me…will your book help??? I know he wants to make this long term bc he proposed but i dont wanna EVER get divorced. My first marriage will be my only marriage. I dont want my kids to live in unhappiness. We do a good job of not arguing in front of kids…but the EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER is tiring…he doesnt respond to how i feel….im just at the end of the road and I dont know what to do! HELP ME!
My advice to you is to not marry this guy. It’s not worth it. Marriage won’t change anything. In fact, it will make things worse. Marriage these days is just not really something I support. Like you said, he can only handle 3-4 days. He has issues he needs to deal with that are beyond you. He’s scared to leave you because he has children with you, but he’s obviously not happy right now. You can’t change anybody which is a core teaching of mine so don’t try even though you want to. The only thing you can do is get hard on him, tell him that if he rages again, you’re taking the kids to your mom’s house or whatever. And next time he rages, take the kids and leave and tell him that he needs to figure out his life before he gets to see the kids and you again. He needs to learn.
I have been in a relationship with my gf for 4 years going on to 5 years. I believe she BPD based on what i have read. I am at a breaking point and so sick of something always being my fault and how I have to be the one to change for things to be better between us. Throughout the relationship i have given into arguments apologized when i dont even believe i should and forgiven her for things without any consequences yet she always punishes me for whatever issue she may have with me. Recently, she cooked dinner and got mad at me for not washing the dishes and i apologized repeatedly and it was sitll not enough she said that I am just inconsiderate and that have to change. But, the truth is I am not that way and i even tell her things that i have done and she just does not acknowledge anything. She told me she did not want to see me for a week but that we can still communicate. However, she has now stopped taking my calls and text and is just ignoring me now. I believe this is bc i went out with my friends which i dont do often, instead of staying home and working on changing myself for her. I dont get how she does not see that this reaction over what happened is so extreme. Deep down inside i feel like this is what i will have to always deal with as long as im with her. I dont get why i still stay knowing this.
Just been through hell over 2 years with what I think can only be a BPD/Narc. I found her at first when we met the love of my life, great sex, smiles, laughs etc, it was all there. There was an ex still hanging around in the background, sending gifts etc, it make me feel jealous and a bit worthless I must say, I always commented when any gift came. I felt she was playing me a bit but we had a great time still. I did notice that she kept a few of his items, camera, house keys etc which he did request back. After a nice christmas with my family and her daughter came as well we were doing fine for a few months, chats and walks and feeling like a bonded relationship. She had to move house, which I helped of course, then a bunch of flowers turned up from the Ex again, saying enjoy the new home, I said please can this stop now, she said she would tell him, I explained it made me feel sick inside, she didnt quite understand when I mentioned and said just get over it, nice!! A month later she become more verbal and looking not herself, couldnt quite get to what was she thinking, she told me she was going on holiday for Easter with her daughter for 3 weeks in the UK, so I said ok have a nice time, she said she couldnt wait to see me until she got back. Anyway, off she went, but in a very foul mood with me on the last day before she went and acted as if I had done something awful and blamed me hook line and sinker that I had been cruel and nasty to her and she said dont bother contacting me ever again, I have a gun at home be warned. I was shocked and dumbfounded and ended up in tears for a week.
Here’s the crunch, she never told me her exact destination until I contacted her ex husband by email, here’s the bombshell, she was in Australia with the ex boyfriend, how nice of her and made me feel I had done something wrong. I also found out she had had numerous affaris, stabbed her ex husband, had ongoing sexual relationships with couples (yep, she liked both sexes) a history of abusing men in general, I must have had idiot written on my forehead, I was devastated.
A few months later and a few death threats later I hasten to had from her and her friends, police all over me when I was the victim, she came crawling back, with sorrys, i have missed you, can we start again.
Me being the caring type said the worst thing ever, yes ok!! I bought her everything, a car, clothes, days out with her child, weekends away, meals, drink (which changed her mood drastically) and everything a man can do.
She recycled me it felt when she came back, she was so nice then the put downs started, name calling, physical punches, cheating on me, abusing her own daughter verbally and physically, always accused me of cheating, jealous of me, had me in tears after calling my family names, more abuse, death threats etc, she even tried to kill her own sister one weekend over an Easter egg, police involved again, I was just in a place I have never felt, I realised that I was not the wrong party, I never lied, cheated, abused her, but she must have done this to control me I guess, was it because she loved me, of just because she liked the game of hurting me, who knows?!!! Im out of it now after reporting her to the child protection people, and even that she has used as harrassment against her with the police, I can never win, she was never happy really, I think it was a front to get more from me, but maybe now by being alone with PTSD I will win in time. Do you guys think Im right about BPD, or is the woman a Psychopath? Be interested to know, there’s a lot more to tell to be honest and I could write a book.
Hi, I have BPD. I appreciate that you’ve pointed out that a wide variety of people with completely different personalities can be afflicted with this painful emotional disorder — and that’s what it is at its core: a difficulty regulating emotions. How this manifests can be as different as the variety of people and personality types out there. I do tend to take issue with one idea that you’ve stated though — that of people with borderline personality being prone to chronic lying. I can say, at least speaking for myself, that I am at the opposite side of the spectrum with this. I’m almost compelled to honesty and self-disclosure. It’s part of what makes a relationship beautiful. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work well for me sometimes. My last relationship was with a man I strongly believe to have a form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (look it up sometime — it’s called Closet Narcissistic Disorder of the Self, or the “Vulenerable Narcissist” — I figure you might be interested because on the surface level it is often confused for BPD, and might be an alternative explanation for some of these women’s unfortunate behavior). Well, he lied to me often and without real guilt over doing so. And to add insult to injury, my honesty and self-disclosure seemed to only be used against me in the end. It’s very lonely for someone like me with BPD. As a shy person who has generally been burned a lot, I tend to keep to myself and keep my intense, painful emotions from others. I have depression and bouts of dysphoria (multiple intense negative emotions that are lead me to suicidal thoughts and panic). Anyway, thanks for noting that there are different types of us out there. It has been six months since my breakup and I still feel quite devastated by it and can’t seem to move on. Meeting people and dating is not easy for me at all. Trusting is hard. While I work on myself and my depression, as well as DBT therapy and skills, I still believe that love and a positive, committed relationship are part of the cure for this painful illness. I like the term one Doctor came up for BPD — “Dyslimbia”. It describes the malfunction of the limbic system of the brain to regulate emotion properly. Because no matter what our maladaptive traits, that is the root of the problem even once we’ve overcome the rest. I truly hope to find love some day with someone who is every bit as committed to making it work as I am. Thanks for listening.
Great comment and you’re completely right: not all BPD’s are prone to lying. BPD is an emotional disorder. But it’s so broad as each person is still unique to themselves. I really want people to get away from the ‘oh she has BPD, no wonder she’s crazy’ mentality because we all do crazy things sometimes. Instead, we need to understand that some people can’t control their emotions as well as others. I do believe that we can all learn to gain this control hence my course, even borderlines.
Oh, also I must say I am quite sorry for some of the experiences you all have had as I read the comments above. I can’t say anything for sure but in the case of Carlos it does sound like more of a Narcissism issue. I believe Narcissism to be a lower grade on the continuum of psychopathic traits, but take my opinion with a grain of salt. It feels kind of funny to say I’m the one with BPD but that I can relate to you all so much. It is awful to love so much and to be hurt time and again.
What do i do when she wont admiit orr acknowledeg the fact that she has bpd and constantly shifts the blame of her emotions onto my behaviors??
If she doesn’t admit to having BPD, then use other words. I hate using BPD now, it’s just too broad. Say that she’s got the widest range of emotions you’ve ever seen. The hardest step is admitting you have a problem.
Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with BPD. For a second it was a huge relief to finally understand what has been going on most of my life. I have been in therapy for years, mostly treated for depression and have to give it to myself- I have made a tremendous improvement before being diagnosed. I no longer cut/ attempt suicide, I am able to have stable relationships at work/ with friends, I don’t drink/ do drugs/ engage on casual sex encounters anymore. However, the romantic relationships is the area where I seem to fail terribly. I had, until Suday, a very caring, loving man by my side. I would only see him on weekends as he lives in another state, but he made sure to be in constant communication with me via text/ phone calls. The pattern was for the most part the same, we would have an amazing weekend and just as it was coming to an end I’d freak out and start a fight over any stupid thing and escalated it to the point of breakup (my idea, not his) This past Sunday he finally said he’s had it. Took all of his tuff and has remained NC. I have chosen to respect his desicion as I know the relationship with me was hurting him. I, on the other hand, feel horrible that I lost such and amazing man. I wish I could just “snap out of” BPD. I wish I could get my loving ex back :(
Yea I hear ya, we all make mistakes and it sucks to lose something you like. But hey, you’re on the right path and it takes time. You’re trying to unlearn habits that you’ve had for your entire life. It isn’t easy as I know personally as I did it myself to break free from codependency, which is just as bad as BPD. But the good news is that you can learn these new habits to control your mind and thoughts and emotions. That’s what half of my BPD course is all about. It kind of worries me though that he would fight back with you and let things escalate. Any real man wouldn’t have any of that. Also, long-distance relationships are hard.
Any idea what causes/triggers you to start a fight? What do you fight about? How does he react? Does he get defensive?
I really think you’re advice is great. I’m a man who’s been diagnosed with BPD and have done therapy and DBT for quite a while now. Obviously it doesn’t work well because I have nothing nice to say. Nobody truly know the facts about BPD or relationships with BPD. Yes, they are very trying as my wife would a test to, but until you’ve walked a bit in the shoes of a BPD, you don’t truly know even though every BPD case is unique. You have no authority as to say whether someone is BPD or not, but then again not even the most qualified doctors should. Trust me, there are MANY good books written about BPD or how to handle it, but then again, trying to handle a relationship is for losers.
I really should pick up your course because I’m sure it’s awesome.
Thanks Dan for the kind words. BPD can be healed but there are also sometimes much deeper issues going on that is worse than BPD. And yes my BPD course is really the best of the best because it teaches people how to develop the relationship mindsets they need for BPD relationships, as well as helping people with BPD improve their emotional control and change their personality. Check it out, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
Oh wow, I am so glad I found this site. I have BPD. Was diagnosed March of 2010. My parents thought I was on drugs not that I had a mental illness. My old Psych referred me to a psych who specialises in BPD because thought I needed more specific care, and here I am today. I have done 2 years of DBT therapy and have started another therapy called ACT (acceptance, commitment therapy). It is a real challenge but I aim to get myself better. The reason why I have commented is because I am not sure if it is my BPD or I have been with a totally freak of nature man.
Last week he started abusing me, so I switched off and stopped talking to him. This has been a cycle over the space of 4 years, he’ll leave, be in a relationship, it’ll fail and he’ll come back to me and expect me to forget he’s been sleeping with other woman when I have done nothing of the sort. Unless I am with him, I am with no one in those breaks … I can’t handle the thought of anyone but him touching me, maybe that is why I find it so hard to let go … The last thing he did was, move to be with a woman. It lasted 3 weeks and then he came crawling back to me. I humoured him for a lil bit and then he said I love you, I want to marry you but YOU need to find us a house to live in. I wanted to be with him and I agreed I would start looking but I needed time as my mind doesn’t cope with stress to well and he knows I have BPD … When I wasn’t doing it fast enough to his liking he started abusing me so I said ENOUGH and asked him to give me space. I only needed a few days to calm down and then I asked if we could talk. Nothing, total silence, he always gives the silent treatment … Granted I am no angel, but when I asked him for space I had abused him with an email which I am not proud of. I was so frustrated as I had asked him many times to not pressure me and that I have to process and plan before I do anything.
I just don’t know if it is me or him. Or both of us, probably is to a certain extent. I guess I just want to know that this is not all my fault because he won’t accept his actions have helped in myself reacting how I have.
I like the look of your blog and like that you’re actively improving your life. That’s rare these days as most people in general don’t do that. But the situation you’re in is definitely something I have a problem with… I don’t like how you’re attached to a dude that runs off with other women and then comes back to you when it doesn’t work out with other women. That’s what people with emotional issues do – I had a BPD ex that would do that shit. And the old, dumb me would take her back. I was obsessed. It was bad.
This is all due to a lack of control of your emotional state. I have been there. This BPD ex of mine ruled my feelings and my emotions. Nothing changed until I snapped out of this trance and took back control over my feelings. This is one of the biggest details I coach because it’s absolutely vital. When you are able to control how you feel at any given time, you’re able to instantly drop any drama and emotions and feelings and whatever else there may be for a certain person and instead focus on yourself and what YOU want which is most important.
This guy in your life is a tool. A straight up tool. He is playing you hard, even if it’s not on purpose. You are his back up plan. And the reason he continues to go back and forth with you and other women is that YOU ALLOW HIM TO COME BACK. This has absolutely nothing to do with BPD. I coach men on a daily basis that don’t have BPD and they experience the same exact situation that you are in. It is bad. It is painful. It is passive and weak.
Don’t be offended by anything I have told you. This is the truth you need to hear. This guy is bad news. As long as you let him occupy your thoughts and pull you in over and over again, you’re never going to experience what life really has to offer. Just think about how many great opportunities might have slipped by in the past 4 years. There probably were a number of great men.
What you need to work on is not BPD therapy. That’s obviously not working as you’re still in the same mind frame when it comes to this tool. Instead, you need to focus on your thoughts and your feelings. You need to grab control of those because as long as they’re thinking about this tool, you’re not in control. Just drop the thought of BPD from your mind, it’s tearing you down. It’s making you feel at fault for this guy leaving you over and over when it has NOTHING to do with it. This guy is simply a loser, a disease. The sooner you forget about him and move on, the sooner you’ll realize how ridiculous this whole thing really is.
I am not offended one bit. I need this type of tough love. My mother said the same but because she is my mother, I got my back up but you are right. Thank You, maybe my mother does know what she is on about … I actually wonder if he has a mental illness himself but I am no expert … I actually said to my best friend my biggest battle is not my BPD, it is not letting him have any more space in my head. He is no good for me and I know this. That’s why this frustrates the hell out of me when I let him back in …
I think I will buy your book and use it on myself :-)
I have a new book coming out soon which is 1000 times better than my old one. The original is still good, but just not even close to the knowledge I have now. But it’s still worth to buy because you get the new book free when it comes out. And I’ll be raising the price to 19.95 :)
Callum and emma says
Would just like to say that I’m sitting in my front room with my girlfriend who is a bpd sufferer and reading through your comments and other people’s we can relate so much. I’m trying to understand my partner as this is all new to me. We ride the rollercoaster but ultimately love one another dearly and couldn’t be without each other. We are going to put all our efforts into making this work and your website only inspires us to work harder. Thank you.
This is a good website – wish I had read it last year. I was with a guy who was my soulmate kind of – we knew each other since age 17 (now 38) and were together 3.5 years when young but things blew up because of his issues (BPD behaviors like major anger, severe separation anxiety, lack of trust/unfounded accusations, and “splitting”)…we met up again last year and I allowed myself to forget about how he had been because I still loved him and it was like he still loved me after all those years. It was awesome. Then a few problems happened, he freaked on me for small things and I told him I wasn’t comfrotable with his treatment and needed to figure out if this was right. He apologized deeply and I accepted it…Then BOOM! After months of saying I was his soul mate, he finally said he wanted to commit to me, then a week later he kicked me out of his life completely and will have no contact with me. That was about 8 months ago. He has no idea he has any mental illness and thinks he is very stable. I don’t think he has heard of BPD. I feel sorry for him and I still love him but there is really nothing I can do. I asked him if I could call him and he said if I contact him he will get a peace order and he regrets ever letting me back in his life. Somehow he even convinced his parents and sister (who were my friends and I thought loved me) to never talk to me again. It’s really sad and I miss him.
I am a BPD woman, single now reading all of this and remembering my past relationship. I can’t stand the way I am. I feel cursed. If I could just decide to be a stable normal girl I would do it so fast. Anyway, I was just wondering if there are any surveys on what percent of BPD women ever get married.
I’m not sure. But don’t let BPD haunt you. I see this happen WAY too much. You’re worried about marriage but don’t forget that around 80% of marriages are failed. Only around 60% actually get divorced, but another 20% or so aren’t happy and living together anyways. All you really need is to find yourself a real man. They’re incredibly rare I know but they’re out there. Avoid the chumpy dudes because you’ll just continue to break their hearts :)
Hi…i was wondering if two people both with bpd can have a successful relationship. My ex has been diagnosed and it was only whilst reading up on it that i realised that it was most likely what i have too. Without going in to details I’ve got a history!!! He is currently not receiving help and i can’t see how to move forward, especially as my parents response for mental illness is to m”an up” or if its someone else then to run away fast!!! Sorry, im rambling. My ex wants to work it out and i know that we could be incredibly happy together but at what cost??? We’ve both got children from previous relationships that i don’t want to get caught up in it all. Thank you x
I would say the best thing to do is avoid living together and to try to encourage your ex to get involved in more activities than just work. Men in work aren’t really advancing their lives at all. They need to be doing more. Another idea is to both get a gym pass and start working out together. You’ll both be getting healthier together and that’s always a good thing :)
I am choosing to remain anonymous. I have been searching the internet a lot today. I was told a while ago that I had BPD. My boyfriend also had BPD, so I am sure you can imagine how our relationship is. When hes up im down and when im up hes down. In a way we compliment one another because he is able to help me when I go into my severe depression and I am able to help him as well. But it does not seem like it will ever end. We love each other more than anything. But there will be periods of time when we are happy and everything is fine. and then one day I wake up and hate the world and everyone in it for two or three weeks. It doesn’t sound bad but its awful. I either sleep for 16 hours or more or I stay in my room and do nothing all day. I can barely get out of bed I think that everyone is out to get me and most importantly I CANNOT feel love no matter what anyone else does for me o shows me I cannot physically or mentally feel love. I know it must have something to do with my family. 80% of them are insane so it does not help being around them. All they care about are themselves and it has always been that way. but I want us to be happy to get married and have children but how is that ever supposed to happen???
My advice for toxic situations is to always start by dumping the poison. This is always the first step. And this can sometimes be the hardest thing to do. If you have family that are toxic to your life, you need to limit the amount of time you see/talk to as little as possible. You have to get rid of as much toxicity as possible.
The second step is to get yourself involved with hobbies or a job or whatever that forces you out of bed and into the real world. Try running around the neighborhood for awhile, join a Yoga class or a gym, get active. Getting active is the second step to curing depression.
Third, stop blaming BPD. You’ll just use it as an excuse for the rest of your life and we both know that is toxic. So, do what you can to take your mind off at by getting out and getting healthy. Look at things from a 3rd point perspective. Ask yourself if it makes sense to be thinking this way. If you’re lying in bed for 16 hours, then yea you’re going to feel shitty lol. So get your ass up!
I suffer from BPD and am stupidly in a relationship with a male suffering from BPD. It’s hard.
What i can say is directly seeing someone suffer like you do, act irrationally and in manipulative ways just to keep you around. Well, it helps you see what is wrong inside yourself. I read a book “the bpd survival guide” which helped me get a grip on myself, so to speak. But living with someone who refuses to help their own situation is exhausting, devastating. he sets off my irrational behaviors with his own more than any other stresses in my life.
All i can say is as far as BPD relationships go.. Don’t. Not if the person isnt actively trying to fix themselves. They’ll take you down with them.
we’re so codependant on eachother that i dont know if ill ever even allow myself to leave.
Well it’s like what I say: you attract what you project. I’m of the belief that men don’t really have BPD – it’s more along the lines of psychotic. They literally just don’t have normal feelings. Everything they do is a game designed to manipulate you into doing something. I know guys like this and they’re a handful.
The problem I see here however is that you just believe you’re doomed. Wtf is up with that? You’re basically accepting defeat due to this supposed ‘illness’ which isn’t genetic at all? So you’ve accepted the fact that ‘Oh I have BPD life is over’. That’s silly. And then you bring up codependency as well. Wow. Well, seeing how both can be solved through a change in mindsets, behaviors and actions, you really need to give yourself more credit. First step is leaving this god awful relationship. If you can’t do that, then no one can help you not even that crappy bpd survival guide (yes I’ve read it).
Frustrated BF says
Hi Rick, everyone else:
I came across this blog post while searching for solutions in dealing with a 44 y.o long term g/f that blatantly refuses to communicate her feelings. Her reasoning, she doesn’t want to burden me with her problems, however, her inability to deal with more than one issue at a time ultimately burdens us in the long-run. She rarely opens up about her feelings, even if she suspects something is happening (even if not true), her reasoning is; you should already know what you’re doing to her and correct the problem!
I came across Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms a few years ago while searching the net for similar situations to mine. I wholeheartedly believe my s/o suffers from BPD, however, she rejected my research and observations and will not admit to having any personality issues beyond her failure (refusal) to communicate. She denies that anything traumatic ever happened to her growing up. She constantly tries to pass off her erratic behavior as normal, and everyone else with the problem. Her idiosyncrasies are passed off as normalcy.
Long story short – we met five years ago while she was still married, carried an on/off relationship during that time, and finally moved in together shortly before her divorce (2 months). I moved in with her (non-marital rented home), and everything seemed absolutely perfect for the first two months! We talked, we planned, we began to act like a family with her two daughters (9 & 10) and my twin boys (13 y.o.’s). However, soon after, I discovered she never ever told her husband about our relationship! Understandably, he was very upset to learn that his daughters were cohabitating with a strange man and did whatever he could to prevent us from behaving like a family. All of sudden, the girls weren’t allowed to interact with us very much. At the same time, I noticed my S/O’s behavior changed rapidly; seemingly insignificant issues became major obstacles and she even questioned whether she wanted to be with me. Fights ensued, threats to “get out of my house” followed. Extremely frustrated, I began to make arrangements to move back out. By this time I’d given up everything (most of my household possessions) to move in with her. Subsequently, once she discovered I was moving out, she pleaded to work on things and even suggested counseling. I stayed, lost my earnest money, and soon after, the mountains out of mole-hills began popping up again. The lease eventually ended, and I moved out on my own again.
I explained to her that my livelihood is very important to me and I cannot have it jeopardized over insignificant events. Fast-forward; six months later, we live in separate homes, living separate lives. I think she understands now that her over-reactions resulting in domestic hostility will not be tolerated by me. The funny part, since I moved out, there has been ZERO unsolvable issues brought up. I think she realizes that all I have to do is go home, or leave her place and it’s over. Before, when she had flare ups, I could do nothing but be miserable. Some of her symptoms that I have identified include:
• Extreme mood swings,
• Extreme highs and lows,
• Feels personally betrayed and violated by others mistakes,
• Makes the smallest issues into the biggest problems
• Zero long-term trust
• Always guilty until overwhelmingly proven innocent
• Not swayed by facts
• Only swayed by feelings
• Turns feelings into facts
• Adamant that conspiracies are underway to date other people
• No one is loyal to her, (even though I waited five years to be with her)
I am very frustrated and very angry after investing five years of my life into this relationship and having absolutely nothing to show for it. We still hang out, sometimes it’s good, however when its not, I do not come around. I have to specifically ask her for things that a normal 5 year relationship couple would do anyway. At the time I moved out, I lost my job and struggled desperately while finishing my last year of law school. She never offered to help, never asked if I was okay, and when I did specifically ask for help, it was usually a one-of situation without any follow up.
Half of me wants to cut my losses and move on, the other half feels so vested after losing five years of my life in my thirties (she’s 8 years older than me) that I feel like I have to make it work! She’s the only women my boys have seen me with besides their mother, however their relationship is not overly great. Their mom is basically dying of stage 4 cancer and my S/O has not even once communicated about her condition. I often find myself reminding her about my needs, and I’m very frustrated because of it. Quite frankly, my needs aren’t being met and I have communicated this to her, however nothing changes.
In conclusion, your article spoke about making it work with a BPD S/O, however, my question is, why? If the person refuses to acknowledge their issues, how likely is it that they’ll change? Especially if there is no marriage, kids, or anything else together, should one continue? My parents have been married for 43 years and I would really like to have what they have however, I know it comes from hard work, but I feel like the burden is all on me. I don’t want to be with someone who does not match my effort.
At this point with this much on your mind, you probably should move on. At least let her know that you’re going to leave her if she doesn’t start communicating with you. She’ll get back and throw a fit, but keep your back bone and actually leave her. Give it a week and let me know what happens.
Sorry for the long paragraph but you seem to have the best knowledge of bpd on the net and was really hoping ti get ur advice….
Ive been with my gf about 8 months now and we hardly ever argue. We had an argument the other day because i thought she was being disrepectful etc (i think i was abit harsh and over reacted to an extent). She then came out with the fact she thinks she cant be in a relationship at the moment, i really didnt see it coming.
Because i really like her i obviously did what i now know i shouldnt have done, and said how much i like her etc and how we should work it out etc and she agreed to it. I then asked her like 2 days after how she felt about it all and she said she feels the same but we agreed to try work it out but she put alot of enphasis on that she needed space.
Ive laid back from her about 40% but i still text her but ive seen some advice that i should just ignore her until she comes to me. She seems kind of distant still and I dont know what to do. She also said to me that she thinks she has BPD and it would make sense as she had a messed up relationship with her family splitting up.
I think I have become a little soft with her and do say alot of shit to her being open about my feelings but im considering ignoring her till she comes to me but im afraid she wont, plus I cant just do it out of the blue.
What are your thoughts?
Well first you want to drop the moral high horse here and get this relationship back on track. The way you do that is through honesty and space. So basically tell her how you feel followed by ‘so let’s take a break for a little bit and if you want to get back together, let me know.’ and leave it at that. It shows her that you care about her but you also don’t need her.
Hey (apologies in advance for the essay )
I’ve been in a relationship with my BPD bf for just over a year now (I’m 26 and my bf, 31) about 6 months into our relationship he was prescribed medication to help him sleep and dull down his hypersensitive reactions to things but is still waiting for therapy… well I can honestly say I’ve never felt so physically and emotionally drained in all my life! I love him dearly and I believe he loves me. Everyone that knows us (Family, friends etc ) think I’m a complete idiot for staying with him and taking all the abuse, but I just cant leave him….
At the very start he would just exaggerate experiences and past relationships to build himself up, even if they sounded totally unrealistic. He had been receiving some therapy in prison but was still undiagnosed (I didn’t know him till after he was released) Not even a month into our relationship he started to go off the rails badly. He has a very bad ‘flick of a switch’ temper – he’s never physically hurt me but has threatened to on a few occasions (and If he ever did, I would have no doubts in ending the relationship) Its as if all his insecurity’s just came flooding back and being in a relationship with me triggered it. I’ve hadn’t done anything to hurt him or for him to mistrust me… but he has a long list of bad relationships and said that he finds it hard to trust, which is understandable. I can just about deal with that, in fact It made me more determined to prove I’m in this for the long haul and that he can trust me, but at what cost?
I’m not clingy… but stupidly I adore him and have done so much for him to help him get his life back on track, yet he would disagree – and that I’ve done nothing for him, I never make him feel loved and I’ve just been a burden on his perfect life. I feel sick where its such a slap in the face.
When he’s not angry or hyper affectionate he’s totally emotionless, is very spiteful, lies, has no sex drive yet he’s chatted up, flirted and sex texted other women and makes out that he’s a total love god! He has no history of sexual abuse, but he just feels that sex is unnecessary in a relationship and hugging should be enough… Whenever I brooch the topic even in a diplomatic way I’m accused of being a sex pest. He says he’s attracted to me and the times we have made love its been great! He just says its not necessary and then rants on about getting 2 single beds instead of our double…
Has anyone else had this experience before with a BPD partner? I’ve read a lot about peoples BPD partners having high sex drives but none with low ones…
Anything I do is just never enough and at times I do admittedly bite back, but only in defence to his ridiculousness. But sticking up for myself only seems to add fuel to the fire. Everything always seems to be my fault, he cannot accept truth or responsibility even after being caught red handed. I have given into unreasonable arguments, apologized when I’ve done nothing. Forgiven him for things, the only consequence being me getting hurt and crying my heart out yet again… and yet I’m always being punished for whatever ‘issue’ he has with me, whether it actually exists or not. He can see I’m suffering badly, but doesn’t seem to give a shit about how I feel and he cant see any reason why I would be so upset. Sometimes I think I see tiny flickers of guilt over his behaviour, but I really don’t know. I like to think that fact he’s getting help at my request means there’s hope for us yet. I truly love him with all my heart and would of loved to one day get married and start a family but I’m scared to even think about it now. I’m not stupid enough to think his behaviour wouldn’t effect our children. Saying that I don’t truly know where I stand with him or even if he can get better. I’ve tried to leave a few times, but each time its been me that’s made the first move to us getting back together or making up. After every argument I’ve been the one to smooth things over even though I know non of it was my fault. Its always me trying to comfort him, but I’m the one hurting and needed comforting. I know I deserve much better and can do much better and I almost make my mind up to leave for good, but then he pulls me back in with his sweet, fun, loving, affectionate side and it reminds me of why I love him and of all the good times together. I’m really stuck with what to do, I know the longer this goes on the harder and more painful it will be for the both of us. Do I get out now? or stay to see if things can be worked out?… I really don’t know :(
I have been fortunate that I only had the pleasure of dating one women with BPD. Not knowing what this emotional roller coaster was I only learned after the fact. I did not engage or take advantage of her advances (most men would) . Partly because it was a co-worker and felt she may use sex to control me. Also that it was a turn off as a woman like this usually will end up cheating on you. Even at the beginning I said I have your best intention and instead she insulted me because I did not want to sleep with her on the first date. Anyway I wanted to say I agree with your comments and articles you have posted on this topic. Your right about me in that I see myself as a mild co-dependent. Anyway some time has passed and have projected a better image of myself. I am happy being me and see the glass always half full. I am more a man today then before that bpd rollercoaster. I’m better for the experience and wish the next woman I meet and fall for is emotionally stable.
I recall a gorgeous girl I went on a 1st date with several years ago. Appearance wise, she was everything I wanted in a girl. Personality wise as well. We were at her house for a few hours, we were cuddling on the couch, we were making out. But like you, I didn’t sleep with her. And she got mad about this. We never went out again. We texted a few times, but it was clear that she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. All because I didn’t close the deal.
Now most guys, as well as myself at the time, would see that as foolish. I started to believe that if I had slept with her, we would have been together. But that just wasn’t true. Turns out she was in a break from her current bf and was rebounding with me. Now looking back, you could argue that I should have slept with her because this could have made us get together. But that’s just a dumb fantasy guys play in their heads. The reality is that even if we dated for a bit, it would have never worked out as we both moved to different areas across the country.
So at the end of the day, I made the right decision not to sleep with her. I didn’t fulfill her needy rebounding issues. It used to eat me up for not jumping into the sack with her, but damn I’m glad I didn’t. I wasn’t a high quality man at that time so I know it wouldn’t have worked out as a positive relationship for me. But yea I do sometimes wish I slept with her. I won’t deny that.
i have recently realized that i have bpd. unfortunately, it took my bf of the last 2.5 years and father of my almost one year son leaving me in the middle of the night after a terrible argument over a good night kiss. before i got pregnant, we had a near perfect relationship. i did have some insecurity issues, but had been cheated on while married and for the most part he was understanding and patient. we were living together and planning for our future when we found out i was pregnant. it was completely unexpected and he was terrified. he never wanted to have any children of his own, though he was fine with the three i had when i was married. i was on the pill, so it was a pretty big surprise for me too. he wanted me to have an abortion and i couldn’t do it. he withdrew all intimacy, emotionally and physically. i was a wreck. we fought constantly and horrendously. he took three months to decide if he was even going to stick around. prior to this, our relationship was the absolute best i’ve ever experienced. i had plenty of bad reactions….the physical rejection shattered whatever bit of self confidence i had managed to keep and the emotional rejection made me desperate. everything i did or said pushed him further away from me. sometimes he would get so angry he would leave, but he always came back. he finally committed to staying with me til the baby was born and giving things a year to improve after that. he started traveling for work around the same time, which caused me to cycle even further into crazy…..i accused him of cheating on me all the time and was worse than angry cat with her claws out. i was glad for the chance to work things out, but couldn’t control my neverending insecurities. most of the arguments were prompted by me, clawing for a glimpse of the love we had before i was pregnant. we had the baby and my bf was instantly and utterly in love with him. he had been an amazing day since day one. however, he remained emotionally distant. i was hoping he would have an epiphany once our son was born, realize how much he had ‘hurt me’, and want to make it up to me. i worked hard to lose weight and always took care of my appearance….but there was no spark, no intimacy, and we started fighting about sex and everything else. i kept dredging up the past. we eventually started trying, but it was awkward and infrequent. we cycled through awful fights. i was dying for reassurance and the more i sought it the more i pushed him away. i became paralyzed with rejection. i went to counseling, and it helped some….but by then the emotional roller coaster had infected other parts of my life. i constantly felt unattractive, unwanted, and i kept expecting him to reach out to me and make me feel better. i freaked out over each and every business trip he went on, i couldn’t focus at work and my performance suffered. we almost broke up a million times, but i kept begging him to stay and give me another chance to get my emotions under control. i lost my job. he rallied and was very supportive while i looked for a new and got back on my feet. yet i constantly picked fights and fell apart over small things…..i was ridiculously hypervigilant. sometimes it would seem like things were getting better, but then i would have a meltdown over something stupid. he started getting angrier and our fights got worse. he started leaving again, but would come back the next morning. until this last time.
after he left last week, i did some soul searching and realized that i need to improve my self confidance and start reaching out to him make things work. i’ve been stuck in a terrible cycle. i’ve been putting everything on his shoulders. while researching ways to work on that, i discovered bpd. when things are really bad, i self harm, feel suicidal, blame myself for everything….he calls me names and i start to agree….this seems to make him even angrier…..i think i’ve destroyed any respect he ever had for me with me outrageous emotional behavior.
when we talked this round, i begged him to stay and give me one more chance now that i see what i’ve been doing to create the problems we’ve been having. he said he’s empty and just can’t do it. reluctantly, he’s agreed to ‘stay together’ for the next month and discuss coming home at the end of it…..but only if i can show him that i’m working on my problems and making progress. he’s skeptical that i’ve realized anything that will make any difference. i feel like this is different…..but the things i’ve read online are very discouraging.
do you think i can change enough to fix things? have we created too much toxicity and disrespect to come back? i wouldn’t have realized i needed to do this if he hadn’t stuck by me all this time….i want make up for the pain i’ve caused him and keep our family in tact. and i really think i can change, now that i can see what i’m doing and why. i know it won’t be easy, but i have so much to lose and so much more to gain….
I think you know what you need to do. The first step in everything is to always improve your own self-respect and self-confidence so you can build that trust factor back up. The problem with these relationships is that the non-BPD gets to a point where they just can’t trust anything you say anymore. So my advice is to stop saying things and instead DO things to show you’re working on change. It’s not all about changing, it’s more about showing that you’re working on improving yourself. And that’s all up to you.
Many self-help sites for people with Borderline partners advocate No Contact after a breakup.
This seems to me to be very passive aggressive behaviour like silent treatment. I’ve tried it , but no texts and no emails just don’t work for me.
How would you advocate contact with my husband and how should I frame my suggestions that he comes home so we can sort things out? He left the family home two months ago after a huge row and is lurking 40 minutes drive away in a bedsit. One excuse he gives for not coming back is that I threw him out (not true) and he never wants to be put in that position again. Another is that he’s afraid of his personal safety (he’s a black belt in karate!).
Any advice welcome! Giselle
For me, once someone leaves I left them go like you sort of have. However, I’m not going to ignore texts or whatever unless I really don’t want them around anymore. And if we break up for good, then I won’t take them back ever because I’ll just keep ascending and out grow them like I always do.
You should have done a little more research on the topic before you wrote your book. A lot of your statements are correct, but you are not so educated on this disorder. Flipping the bird or responding with anything less than tranquility to a person who may have bpd is only adding fuel to the fire. That’s like shaming a cancer patient for losing their hair. Go research.
lol? BPD is nothing more than attention whoring on an extreme level. It’s not a genetic illness therefore it’s due to upbringing and insecurity. You know how I know this? Because BPD’s quit their crazy behavior the second the realize it won’t work on me. They get very nice, very fast and they stay that way as long as they are with me.
Everything I Need To Know About Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I Learned From My Cat
I am 41 years old, and have three college degrees including an M.D. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent when it comes to matters of the brain. However, as typical, when it comes to matters of the heart, I have pretty much been a ball in tall grass. Just lost.
After an 18 year hollow and empty marriage with a “normal” woman which produced two great kids, I finally got the courage to leave in search of happiness in the form of true lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve. What actually resulted, however, was a series of three trainwreck relationships in a row, each progressively worse than the one preceding it. The first two, I had no problem severing all ties once I recognized the signs and heeded the red flags. The third…not so much.
I have thus been in an on-and-off, tumultuous, long-distance, neglectful relationship with my BPD girlfriend for almost two years. I won’t go into the specifics only because it is not necessary; the behavior is clearly BPD; she meets 6 of the 9 diagnostic criteria (of which as you know you only need 5 to be diagnosed). I also won’t go into why I am attracted to such a type, as I am fully aware I have my own fear of attachment issues, narcissist issues, mommy and daddy issues, nice guy issues, and codependency issues, all of which I am working on.
No, I won’t go into of any of that now. I am writing this now because, despite knowing the facts about her, her diagnosis, and myself, like tens of thousands of other BPD partners, I find myself wanting to make this thing WORK. Wanting to understand her and what makes her tick, and wanting effective coping strategies and ways to understand her behavior so as not to react to it. I’ve read dozens of books and internet sites, but of note Rick Reynolds’ work here at thefire.net has been EXTREMELY helpful with my goals of at least becoming a stronger person from all of this (I literally read his BPD book every morning). But in the hundreds of hours of soul-searching I have done during my GF’s distancing or splitting-me-all-black periods, this morning while watching the sun rise petting my cat it actually hit me like a ton of bricks:
She is JUST like my cat.
I never owned a cat or liked cats in my life; I thought I was allergic. I was always a dog person. It was actually my BPD GF who convinced me to buy a kitten a year ago.
Turns out I wasn’t allergic, and one year later I’m sitting here staring at my cat and marveling how beautiful she is – her markings, her eyes, the way she looks at me – and at the same time, as I am trying to pet her, I have gotten scratched, bitten, and run away from several times.
BOOM. It hit me. And as I thought more about it, I discovered soooooo many similarities:
Cats are, for the most part, exquisitely beautiful animals. Their markings, eyes, even the feel of their fur is luxurious and quite addictive. They KNOW this.
Cats are fiercely independent, and love to remind you of this even in the way they look at you with disdain. Yet I still keep her around, and she looks at me as if to say “You sap.”
Cats will never stop their instinctual behavior – hunting and stalking her next prey, whether real or imagined.
A cat will never appear sorry for being a cat. She neither understands nor cares how you feel about her behavior either.
A cat comes and goes as she pleases. Whenever I want to cuddle her, pick her up, pet her etc, she runs away. She often comes back out of curiosity but then always runs away again. Conversely, she wakes me up headbutting me *every* morning wanting attention. Sits on my chest staring at my face plotting to kill me in my sleep lol. Fetches toys in the middle of the night and headbutts me wanting to play. She wants the attention on *her* timetable – but once you do give it to her, she ultimately runs away. In fact, the only sure way to get attention from her…is to ignore her. She will literally do backflips on the floor then, rolling over like a puppy. It is truly remarkable.
Cats will disappear for hours in your own apartment, for no rhyme or reason. They will then come out once in a while to see what you are doing. This is NOT to satisfy your needs – it’s to satisfy their boredom.
Cats’ curiosity and at times recklessness gets them into trouble sometimes; e.g. zooming into and then subsequently getting locked inside closets for hours. It has never, not once, stopped her from doing it again.
A cat will completely ignore you and the toy you just bought her – and then go happily play in the box it came in. By herself.
Last and most important lesson I’ve learned – you CANNOT “train” a cat. They train YOU. They will never change their behavior for you. EVER. For example, they will never learn how not to be a cat just because you really wish they were a dog, or are used to only handling dogs, etc. They have instant amnesia combined with high intelligence and infinite stubbornness. They will continue to pee on your beanbag chair if they decide to do so, and will still look at you like “What?” (my solution was to hide the beanbag chair in a closet, until I can figure out a better solution).
I know that my BPD GF is not my pet, and I also know some of the above are not exact correlates, but still the similarities floored me. Basically – it was easy being a dog owner. But I’ve had to *work* at tolerance and understanding, and make some *major* ego sacrifices to be a cat owner. Meaning – I have GROWN as a person. And the thing is – I still keep her around. I really love my cat (regardless of the above, and maybe even *because* of some of the above), and at this point I don’t want to be without her. Whatever that speaks about me is almost irrelevant to me, because I don’t really care. I just know I love her – even if she is a cat.
Thanks for letting me share. :)
A follow up to this, and relevant to me posting on Rick’s site: I have had to modify my OWN behaviors to be a happy cat owner. As I said, I hid the beanbag chair in the closet. I have a spray bottle of water that I hit her with a spritz every single time she jumps up on the kitchen table while I’m eating. It does NOT stop her from doing it again – it teaches her nothing – but it temporarily curbs the behavior and lets me eat in peace. Every night before I go to sleep I hide all her toys in a drawer – no available toys = nothing to fetch and wake me up with. And most importantly – when she distances herself and goes to hide under the bed for hours – I DO NOT CHASE HER OR TRY TO DRAG HER OUT just because I want to play. I leave her be. And I’m fine with all of this. Just wanted to add all of this in. Hope this helps somebody cope.
Actually Rick, guess what – I’m moving to the beach, and I’m getting RID of my cat! lol and I just went no-contact with my ex-BPD too. Working towards quality baby
I just bought and read your book after coming to the realization my ex is a borderliner too, I never realized until now a few weeks after our definitive break up after almost having been together for almost 7 years, I mean I always knew she was very insecure and could have these angry spells and be very unreasonable at times but I never figured her to be a borderliner (although I often said her sister was and I got the saner sister, but it’s really much harder to tell when you are in a relationship).
I read the tips and thought great tips, then I remembered: that used to be me, I used to be like that but in time you can’t help yourself deeply loving someone and it gets harder and harder to walk away, especially when after 5 years we got an apartment together and with a baby on the way (she is more of a waif type borderliner, very loyal, our daughter is also a spitting image of me when I was her age).
Once I let my guard down, I gradually without really noticing lost complete control to her, she managed to suck out my pride, self esteem and respect but I still want her back. I now know again what to be like but have no idea how to get to her without being weak again
i have narcissistic personality disorder and have been off and on with my bpd wife for 9 years we just are magnets attracking eachother . we are both aware of are conditions now . have u read the npd/bpd couple ? but my wife respects me but only because im passive aggressive . i have hurt her just as much as she has hurt me .
Does your book and CD work on the opposite sex? My partner is a male suffering with BPD and I am a co-dependent girlfriend.
It’s more geared towards women with BPD as I am a guy, but I do help women. Some women tend to not like my coaching style however so keep that in mind. Men are a difficult case :)
This must be a typo “raping” should be “raging” right?
“…sexual advances, raping, extreme”
Oh yes good find! Lol don’t want to give people the wrong meaning…
Well I beleive I have Bpd traits since I was abusive to my partner. It scared me so much that I would do something like I did because I was abused for six years when I was married. I took actions to stop this crazyness of mine. On the other side I have a lot of qualities that are’nt common in “BPD labeling”. I am a really good mom and I have an amazing relationship with my kids. Our communication is amazing and the trust between me and the kids is there. I wouldn’t want it any other ways. I am also a freind and have been at the same job for 15 years where I deal with critical situations. I am a good employee and a caring person.
I have found the most amazing men in my life and hope to enjoy this relationship as long as I can. It is a fact that intimate relationship is where i stuggle. I beleive if I had not been the victim of abuse and had not been abusive the relationship would be what I always wanted. I have suffered excrutiating pain because of my abondonement demons but I own my responsibilities in this journey . My trigger is that I have huge anxiety when my partner leaves to do something he likes other than spending time with me…it sounds selfish right? On the other side I love being alone so I should just enjoy the time I have when he is gone because I got tons of passions for other stuff . It is irrational to the point that I know it’s irrational and I’m sick of it myself. To be more specific when, I find out that he has plans I panic inside That is where I failed in the past and said things I shouldnt. Now what I do I am honest when it happens inside and we talk about it over and over, he doesn’t judge which is the key for me so i can get rid of the shame of having needs, that doens’t mean he has to fill all the needs I have, some of them are mine to take care of. He offered to stay home on occasions to reassure me and I said no because I want him to have a great time and I want to overcome the demons in my head. I think my best focus is I have to walk the walk myself to believe I am competent. If I dont beleive I am competent, no one will. I also told my partner that i would break up before allowing my behaviors to stop him from doing what he likes. The anxiety I have is mine and it can be excruciating but I have a feeling that it will get better because my heart truly has the desire to be happy. BPD vs abandonement issues what ever they want to call it is real and excruciating at times but everytimes I overcome something I feel more confident. Set back sucks but everyone has bad days. It takes a very very special men to deal with this and a really brave women to face the demons with love . When it’s really rough, take that rebel and stubburn child in you and put that energy towards wanting to succeed… if that works for you. The rest I still have to learn along the way….good luck to all of you and thank you for sharing even the ones on the other side… it helps:)
Thanks for sharing :) I think the most important part is you coming forward and sharing your struggles with your partner in the beginning so he understands you better. This is why early communication is key. I don’t have a problem dating someone like you as long as I know who you are. I want to know that me going out without you bugs you. That way I can reassure you, update you about my night you can let me know how you’re feeling. It’s all about communicating and be honest.
First can I say that this is one of the first articles I have stumbled upon that do not insult, degrade or just put BPD’s in a bad light, which I thank you for. This lifted a huge weight off my chest, I myself was told that I have a lot of BPD symptoms, by my psychiatrist. I’m 19, and have had a rocky past with relationships, and well just a rocky past in general. I’ve been treated for depression since I was 14, so it’s been five years. It was only recently that I got told that there was a high possibility that I have BPD, I researched it a lot, and have found that a lot of the symptoms are in fact present for me. I got for a consultation this coming Friday. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four months, and this article has given me hope that we can both whether the storm together, he is patient kind and understanding — but also gives me my space when I need it. So far, everything has been great, there have been times where I’ve had my mood swings, and gone from happy to severely sad, or have been angry. But he knows that there’s a possibility that I have BPD, a very high one and accepts me for who I am, and I ever so grateful to have him. I had to write this to thank you, I have come across many articles that just say “don’t bother” or that we are manipulative people, liars, abusers etc. This just gave me hope, that I’m not a bad person. So thank you very much.
.No problem :) The key for you guys is to keep up the solid communication which you guys are doing so keep it up. Thanks for the comment!
I am currently going through turmoil and feeling so upset and unhappy. I met this woman about 5 years ago and during nthat time she has left me three times. This last time I think it is for good. Throughout the relationship she has made me feel that everything that bad that has happened between us is my fault (adn I’m wondering if it iks my fault!) and during this tiime she has hit, kicked, bit and scratched me. She has also had realtionship breakdowns with her mother, father and sister. She has also had me arrested twice because I was bothering her. Well I guess some of it my fault as i reacted to her aggressive behaviours and moods. This latest split is because I was according the her I was “rejecting and bad mouthing” her family. As I said I believe this is the end (although I would always have her back!) and what I am now wondering is this. I never realised during all the time with her that she may have BPD. Looking at all the websites I believe she shows many of the symptoms and I never realised this whilst I was with her, and if I had of done I would have reacted differently. Should I now raise this possibility with her or a close member of her family or should I just let it go?
Well I would highly suggest you don’t go to her family over her. It’s always a bad idea to do this. All your communication needs to be directed at her. Not her family. So you can either let it go or deal with her directly. Also you need to work on controlling your emotions. If not, you’re just going to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Thanks for the comment :)
I am glad I found this page–right when I need it as well. I dated a man for about 3 years. I noticed his BPD issues about 5 months in but still loved him regardless. He and I had this thing–and read everything about narcs etc and he was never abusive. During our relationship about 6 mnths in we both lost our homes due to a hurricane. I mean EVERYTHING! We then decided to rent a home together. He has 3 boy from a previous marriage and we had them bi weekly. We had fun, respected each other and truly believe we were in love. A year later his ex wife suddenly died and we then had full custody of his 3 boys. I noticed about 2 months later he was losing it, I shut down, became needy, and he detached. I no longer was who I was. We were to move into a new home and about a week before I got really in his face–and the eggshell thing was apparent. He was having outbursts, we no longer even laughed and acted like the team we were- he ended the relationship-saying he needed time and we weren’t who we were- I went nuts and our families got ugly with one another. He rebounded asap with someone and my heart broke–knowing it was a rebound of course. Recently I texted him a funny pic of my dog–we had two and he kept one. He responded asap and then we talked more and more. I saw him recently and had a chance to say all the things to him, sort of an truce, acknowelging how hard it got and how we changed. Now he is telling me still loves me, how I am so different and the girl he met 3 years ago. Wants to see me again next week. I don’t want to be naïve but I feel he changed because he was never this honest and yes he was a good storyteller–I am just wondering why would he be pursuing me after such a horrid ending–he can meet someone else as I can– but mutually feel the same about each other just very scared. trying to not repeat the same behaviors, I don’t need him but I want him.
Wow, what a crazy story! Thanks for sharing with all of us. Sometimes outside forces just make things much more difficult. It ends up being outside of your own power. Which is why at the end of the day, you need to worry about just yourself and your own control. I know you had things rough, but it’s really important you get control over your emotions and don’t get into yelling matches and in each other’s faces like that. I would suggest going forward with this guy that you do what you want to do – but be careful committing yourself to him. The quicker you are to commit, the quicker he’ll gain power over you. Never forget this :)
I have BPD & reading this gives me hope for a future that I was starting to lose. I’ve never been good at relationships, usually just friends w/ benefits except 1 marriage of 8 years that just eneded disastrously. I wonder if I’m too sensitive & if any guy out there would ever be willing to deal w/ me. Thank you for being a positive, compassionate voice towards those w/ BPD, it’s so hard to find especially online & many of us w/ BPD google for help & end up feeling 1,000 worse when all you see are websites about how nobody will ever love you.
I see BPD’s as just normal human beings. I don’t judge because I see how disastrous it can be (like all those other websites). So my goal with my website is to help people feel positive moving forward, to help people gain that inner strength needed to be great in a relationship. I’ve dated BPD’s successfully because I was lucky enough to learn from people that had the experience. And now I have further educated myself and am passing on the knowledge :)
The judging really can have an agonizing affect when one is already so sensitive to pain. The simple gesture of validating & offering understanding can go a long way w/ a BPD..especially to put the crazy in check quick. I think many of us just search for that validation & simply wish the other person could understand how we feel. Idk I was about to write off relationships, but after reading this & the comments I see I don’t have to be perfect to try again. Although I realize how important it is to be self aware & now that I’m actually working on myself I hope for a better outcome…now just have to find other dudes who actually think like this…still working on not picking the wrong guys but that’s another issue ;-)
I Just Need Help says
I’ve been doing research on this disorder for a whole week and I’m not really finding things that answer specifically what I’m looking for so I was hoping that maybe you could help me Rick.
I got into a relationship with this girl quickly after she had gotten out of a relationship with her ex. So I’m assuming I was just a side person, or someone she had no intentions of being in a serious relationship with, someone she was using to get over her ex. I’m not sure, cause the truth isn’t really available to me. We talked for about 2 and a half months by her request she didn’t want to start dating until she felt she had gotten over her ex because she didn’t wanna hurt me. Which I thought was very considerate of her to be so aware of herself. So one day (September 8th) to be specific, she said she was ready to be in a relationship, I asked her out, we started dating and so on. The period of infatuation is probably the most obvious thing about our relationship, and I guess during this period she had also quickly painted her ex black and gave me, as well as all her friends and family, constant reminders of how stupid she was for being with her for so long, how badly she was treated in the relationship, how much she hated her ex, etc. etc. The list could go on for ever. Her ex during this time also got into a new relationship, which I’ve heard greatly upset her because she was extremely jealous of the other girl (saying she was so much prettier than her and a lot of stuff about body image and showing her lack of self-confidence.). Her and her ex were together for about 2 years I believe off and on with a lot of break ups and fights as I’m sure is the norm for relationships with BPD’s.
so October 17th rolls around and we’re laying in her bed after coming back from the movies and I see her get a text from her ex’s friend saying that her ex really misses her. I watched her reply with the usual response she gave me when it came to talking about her ex. “I’m done with her, I hate her, don’t wanna get back with her.” etc etc. But I guess that had more significance than I expected because October 20th she breaks up with me claiming “we’re not on the same page, and we jumped into the relationship too quickly, and she isn’t ready for something serious.” Of course I was immediately suspicious of why she had said that, because we communicated fairly well and to my knowledge we both had a pretty good understanding of the other person and were on the same page. From what I’ve read the past week though it’s not uncommon to feel like you’re on the same page as a BPD and that not be the case. So I sent her a rather lengthy text a couple days later (after I noticed she started ignoring me) asking if we could at least just talk so I could figure out what happened. She promised me it was nothing that I did, and in her words exactly “It’s just me.”
During the four months of our “relationship” we never once had a fight. She’s also diagnosed with bipolar disorder I believe, and when she would snap and get angry at me for no reason she would very quickly apologize and get upset with herself for being rude. Something I really liked about her was that she was always self-aware. She could tell me aspects of her and her disorder that she understood really well, and I greatly appreciated it. She told me once that she might break up with me because she’ll just get lost in her head and think it’s the best option. When she told me “it’s just me” my first thought was that all of this just had something to do with her disorder and that she had probably started feeling engulfed and just needed space. Since then text I’ve only text her once, which probably wasn’t a great idea, saying “I can’t believe you left me for her.” in hopes that it might make her feel guilty about hurting me.
She’s blocked me on Instagram (the immediate day of)
and because I accidentally unfollowed her on Tumblr the other day she unfollowed me back.
She’s constantly reblogging posts now about how in love she is with her ex, how she wants her to stay so she can be a better person, and maybe get married one day, no one else will ever make her feel the way her ex does. etc. etc. I’m trying to analyze it as another infatuation period, but again I just don’t know what to think.
I guess this whole long post is adding up to me asking what I should expect to happen? She and her ex have broken up a million times before, and everyone I’ve spoken to has told me it’ll just be a matter of time.
But should I expect her to try and come back to me if things don’t work out between them?
Should I try and reason with her if she does come back?
I just want a better understanding of her if possible, and of the relationship and all that.
As stupid as it is of me, I’m willing to take her back because I just wanna show her that she deserves better and can actually be with someone who understands her disorder more and is willing to put forth all the effort necessary. I’d be very willing to go to therapy, (she already is individually) and I can deal with all the ups and downs that happen in relationships like this.
I apologize for this lengthy message, I’ve just been very lost lately and I’m unsure of what even to think and you seemed like the best person to get advice from. I really really hope you can help me.
Hey, My GF of one year (I’m the BPD female here) and I broke up for the 3rd time this year due to mental health issues on my part mostly. Now I’m very insightful and we have decided to be friends until we can get our mental health in check. I’m betting it will be a long time, and alot of people are telling me not to get my hopes up at all. That she’s probably done with me. We’re having space from eachother we don’t live together, and haven’t since 6 months ago. We truly believe we love eachother, but the stress and intensity of a relationship is hindering my healing process… so we’re friends, how can I make friends work? :/
Just be kind and nice for the most part. Don’t start any drama or anything like that since you’re just ‘friends’ for now. So just keep things light-hearted and fun :)
I have just recently come to the understanding that a woman I have been dealign with for almost a year and have been discarded and devalued 2 times by most likely has BPD with narcasstic traits, the thing is it seems we Both do, intact in interacting with her it was literally like we both Built each other up, Knocked each other down and due to her having more access to Supply, being very attractive and other factors she got the upper hand in the situation and gas lighted me, cheated on me, maniplulated me and pretty much drove me into a mental break down. After recovering i managed to get her back but it was only for a month and it fell apart again, due to me not being able to let go of the fact that she literally must have enjoyed making me suffer infront of her with all the “friends” she would make me interact with that i found out she was sleeping with.
I put massive effort into this woman and this was ultimately my downfall. I do care for her, but accepting shes BPD honestly really BLOWS, at the moment, I don’t really want her back in a full-time sense but it would be nice to be on even ground with her and not allow her to manipulate me like she has in the past. At the moment i don’t see a way to make this happen since shes blocked ways to communicate her and I do not see her as my day to day lifes are very different.
As many have stated here being logical and reasoning is pretty much useless, the fear of abandonment is the only thing that resonates, In the first 8 months i was not able to see myself without this persona and i was trying to Overly please her and became someone that I didn’t even know who i was anymore. She took full advantage of my break down.
She may be BPD psychotic I’m not really sure the point is , after describing what have described, being put thur 2 Disgards and her vanishing, telling me she wants nothing to do with me anymore, labeling me as the only abuser (we wee both abusers honestly), is there any way to get her attention again without making it super obvious or do i just need to leave it to her MAYBE one day being curious what happened to me and just keep working on myself and how to never let someone like that take control of me again. Thanks
I just wanted to add: in the beginning it felt like i had met the woman of my dreams, she made me feel amazing but i know i was doing the same to her, as i started disagreeing with her actions (due to my narc traits and trying to control someone) things got worse, however she had already been sleeping with people even when things were fine, (months 1-3) she had tried to gaslight me into thinking the acting out started after i became controlling but due to texts i discovered (because the gas lighting was so MUCH i had no true way of knowing ) i confirmed this fact. I had TONS of situations or what you would call TESTS early on, that in retrospect i should have WALKED away from her to show her i was not afraid to, but i had never encouraged a woman that i was that attracted to and honestly I felt like i found someone that i had been waiting to find my whole life, this was all due to my core issues , fear of abandonment and my own BPD narc traits. Like i said , we literally were a dual reflection and it was just ironic because she has SO much supply that its like i can’t compete with her. We mentally, verbally abused each other, hurtful words, that were just done out of feeling madness from each others actions . I should have walked away March 2nd 2014, We started on Jan 27th 2014, March 2nd is my birthday and the first time my gut was telling me something was wrong when she flaked on plans to be with me on my birthday and i got these text from her with an address that she was down at a house at the ocean front which I’m pretty sure was her work managers house who she MOST likely was having sex with (among other bouncers and other staff) i would come to find out later (painful come to find out later). I went and got her… know knowing what the hell to think, she was drunk and disoriented, in retrospect i wish i could go back to that moment and tell her, “this is due to your choices and actions and I am not going to be part of this” tons of other times later come to mind… its painful to relive it in my mind constantly . Im working on it.
We’ve lived together for 20 years and got married this year. It’s chaos! Sometimes it’s depressing and sometimes it’s hilarious. We oscillate from love, to hate, to indifference. We invalidate each other, feel insecure about each other, cheat on each other, swing with each other, rage at each other (about four times a year), we cut-off/distance/dissociate from each other emotionally (one or two months a year), hate each other most of time, but we love each other too. We don’t want to be apart. We can’t imagine life without the other and the making up is fabuloso! We’re fused together, and if you kick one, the other limps. We’re definitely not as happy as some relationships appear on the outside, but we have a great house and no debt, we’re not starving in Somalia, at risk of EBOLA (yet), and despite butterflying from jobs to jobs (mostly we get sacked or fed up) we plod on, thank our lucky stars and do the best we can. It’s not soooooo bad being borderlines. It could be a lot worse. Who wants a partner as dull as dishwater!??
Lol well bro do what makes you happy :)
Oh Rick, you are good! You are really good. Will you marry me? I’m argentinian! :)
Mind you, I live in a black or white world where things are either right or wrong. I don’t know what the color gray looks like… (and I am an itsy-bitsy of a narcissist)
My psychologist keeps reminding me that gray exists and there are all sorts of colors and shades out there but I haven’t quite actually seen any of it. LOL
Buckle up! ;)
If you marry me, you better enjoy ice cream because there’s no black or grey in that. It’s you either like it or you’re out!
Deal! I love Ice cream.
WOW…the advice for women on this is so minuscule…I read all that for “if your a women dating a bpd male, there’s really not much to say” is this another example of men making us out to be the devil because we cook, clean, wash, work a 45 hr week, and make time to suck cock…intimidated much? Is it any wonder women have mood swings? Tiredness…oh yeah…something you guys don’t understand with your “feet up after work” and lack of hormones…
Well I have multiple articles on this site for women. So search for those. And for your comments on men, well yes MOST men are boring, predictable, lazy aka normal men. So for you women out there, you need to find and pursue the men that ARE NOT your standard or else you end up with the same old thirsty, boring, do everything for you man.
I have been dating a guy for five years now and I am almost positive he has BPD. When we started dating five years ago his mom had just passed away, therefore these acts and suicide threats appeared to me as coping with a close death in the family. I forgave him of course, for putting a gun inside his mouth and telling me he’s going to pull the trigger after tearing me down with words and insulting me making me feel bad about myself. I forgave him time and time again all because I made excuses for his behavior of “coping” for his mother. These outbursts happen every few months, but when the outbursts aren’t happening we are perfect. He treats me like a princess, always bringing me flowers, writing me love letters weekly, constantly reminding me how beautiful I am and so forth. This is the first relationship I have ever been in, and I guess I never really wanted to admit this was not normal. But I know the love of my life has a serious disorder and I am torn. He just had a horrible outburst recently, tearing me down telling me I don’t work hard and women don’t belong in the workplace and doesn’t want to ever hear me vent about work he just expects me to be happy all of the time and so fourth. After I got so upset I just couldn’t deal with him tearing me down anymore then he becomes suicidal. Telling me he’s going to shoot his brains out (and we own many guns, they are everywhere in our apartment). Meanwhile I’m having an anxiety attack because the love of my life might kill himself in front of me…. Long story short, I am now having him stay at his dads house, I need time to think about what I want. I know I want to start going to counseling on my own. And I know he also has a lot of work to do on his end with counseling and so fourth. I want him to get help no matter what I decide. I guess I am writing this because I would love any advice, I am torn and I don’t know if enough is enough because now I am finding out he may have BPD. All of my friends and family make me seem crazy for staying with him because I deserve so much better, but my heart tells me there is something deeply wrong with him and I feel bad leaving him. I just don’t know when enough is enough.
Thank you for listening.
Yeah this guy is just beyond BPD. Sure that may be part of his symptoms, but understand that BPD is just a label. He has serious depressive issues going on and he needs to be in a psych ward. The RIGHT thing for you to do is report him to the authorities and have him placed in special care so he doesn’t kill himself (even if he’s just doing it to get a reaction out of you). So please, do this and get away from this man unless you want to continue being torn like this.
I have been in a relationship with an undiagnosed BPD male for several months. He has always been honest with me that he has issues. His mother died when he was a baby…very tragically and it has had a very negative impact on his personality. Right around the time he started a new high demand job, about 2 mos ago, he started to have angry outbursts and he would say hurtful things. I could tell that he was under stress, stress that he had placed on himself due to his feelings of inadequacy. I believe he was taking this stress out on me. Since then he has also pushed me away. He doesn’t want to spend as much time with me as he used to. He doesn’t talk to me as much as he used to. Somedays I hear from him all day and other days maybe once or none. When I am with him he acts like everything is great. He puts his arm around, kisses me, etc but things are not the way they used to be. So, you can see that this is very confusing to me. He has an intense fear of abandonment and so I keep thinking that maybe he isn’t in love with me but he keeps me around because he is scared to be alone.
I do love him and want to give him a chance but I need to be able to voice my concerns and share my feelings. I am at a loss as to how to constructively do this. I know I need to pick the right time…but I don’t know what to say or how much to say. There is a lot swirling around in my head but I don’t want to overwhelm him. But on the same token, I don’t want to be in a relationship that makes me unhappy 1/3 of the time. I choose myself here but I want to try to talk to him about seeing a therapist at the very least. He really has no one else but his father who is older. I don’t want to abandon him. I found your site and it seems really helpful. I haven’t found much out there like this. So thank you for taking the time to do this. I appreciate any insight you may have.
Well you can’t keep your feelings bottled up. So my advice is the next time he starts acting up, don’t be afraid to confront him and show your aggressive side. Fight fire with fire as they say. Let out what you want to say to him, be aggressive, raise your voice, yell at him if needed. If you sit back and be passive, it’s not going to go well for you. If he gets physically aggressive at all towards you, then you know he’s a ticking time bomb and it’s best you run. Women with BPD is one thing, but men with BPD can be dangerous. A man that lacks control can cause quite a lot of pain and sometimes they’re best left alone to suffer. There’s plenty of good, healthy men out there instead.
Wow I can relate to so many of these stories. I dated a man for a year who I now believe to be suffering from BPD before I broke things off to regain my sanity. The first 7 months were absolutely perfect, I was sure he was the one. He was so kind and smart and loving and appreciative of me. He mentioned some dark things in his past such as an abusive father and a failed marraige to his college sweetheart so I knew he had trouble trusting in intimate relationships, but I felt confident I could show him he could trust me and we could work together as a team.
Then at 7 months he abruptly ended the relationship. I was completely devastated and felt so blindsided. He didn’t sever all contact with me though and told me he couldn’t handle a relationship right now and needed to work on himself because I deserved to be with someone who loved himself and knew how to be happy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we remained in casual contact for 2 months. Then, a friend of mine who knew his roommate told me he had been hanging out with other girls, presumably on dates. Since he and I had been hanging out also during our time apart I was hurt and angry and confronted him about it since, after all, he had told me he needed space to work on himself. He admitted he was lonely and it felt good feeling wanted. He was extremely apologetic and said he was willing to try again with me as opposed to losing me completely.
After getting back together things were not the same. I felt a lot of anger and resentment for his past behavior and didn’t trust him as I once did. Then he began having strange outbursts that to me seemed out of the blue where he would accuse me of not loving him or wanting him enough and that he was sure I would leave him eventually. Despite reassuring him over and over that I loved him and wanted to be with him these outbursts really took their toll on me emotionally as I felt I was constantly being tested. It’s was as if I was “walking on eggshells” around him. Every time I tried to sit down and have a rational, even, 50/50 conversation with him about how we could meet in the middle he would become completely irrational and proclaim we were doomed to break up and then tell me he didn’t know how he would cope with losing me when we did. He would alternate between extreme emotional highs and lows that were becoming unbearable and despite trying everything I could think of, I could not seem to find a way to reason with him. He NEVER became verbally or physically abusive, but things continued to get worse. After 4 months of this behavior I hit my breaking point and walked away from the relationship. We met up once to talk and he was apologetic for his behavior but said he couldn’t handle seeing or speaking to me anymore if I was not his girlfriend. I moved out of state (due to finishing school) 3 months later and we haven’t spoken since.
It has been 8 months since I broke up with him. He had asked for space and I have given it and saw this time as an opportunity to work on myself. The person I became by the end of our relationship was a complete emotional wreck. Since then I have read self help books, learned to meditate, gained a deeper self awareness than I ever have, and now feel I have come to master my emotions. I now realize I am the only one responsible for my own happiness no matter who I am in a relationship with. I finally feel emotionally stable and happy again but I do miss him. I have been on many dates since our breakup yet I haven’t met anyone who even comes close to how I felt about my ex. Other than his emotional instability, he was everything I wanted in a partner. After reading and learning so much about BPD I have so much compassion for him and his behavior makes so much more sense. At the time of our breakup he was actively seeking out therapy and professional help (he knew something wasn’t right but couldn’t put his finger on it) and was (aside from intimate relationships) a highly functioning person that I do believe will eventually overcome this. I can’t shake the feeling that we may have a chance in the future after we both have grown and worked on ourselves from this experience…Is this too much to hope for?
Are you saying that if you make decisions logically, then you can’t make it work with a significant other who has BPD? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Can you clarify?
No, what I’m saying is that if you try to reason with BPD in a logical manner, you’ll usually fall flat on your face. The only time you get logical is when they are being logical (which is like 1% of the time lol).
I have read your entire website so far. My situation is a little different than most of this site. My best friend is bipolar. We meet 3 months ago at work. He has been there for all my stress with work and in my married home life. I am in the process of a divorce and he is being very patient and understanding. He has been there for me while his life is getting back on track as well. I was the one that kept coming to him for advice and getting to know him. He realized I cared about him as more than a good looking fetish with a darkside. My mother is bipolar/BPD so I am very understanding and know these people need to be treated with a certain type of care while being strong in your own self. Understanding their moods are not your fault. I am not saying it is easy but it just takes reminding. Me and my Friend are very close we tried distracting ourselves from one another and it just does not work there are deep feelings and connections there. When he needs space I give it. We stopped drinking because that was a trigger for him. We are eating healthy and excising. I thought if he is making an effort he should not have to do it alone. He knows I am working on learning skills (from your site) to better deal with his illness and gives me suggestions on other things to read. I explained to him that if I was going to ask him for any kind of future it was not fair that i don’t put in the work to understand what he is going thru. It touched him and he thanked me for caring enough. He has been very clear upfront on his past history and emotions. He has commitment issues and does not try to hide them. But both of us think the other one is good for the other. We are no where near to dating and both know we have things we need to fix in our own lives. I am starting my own company. When he needs space I give it to him, When he is happy I keep conversations short so he knows it is not a one way street and to keep my emotions in check. With all this being said is there anything more I/we can do to move toward a healthy future relationship? He has told me he can’t fall for me now because of the emotional feeling that would be attached to it, and he knows they would be strong and he can’t deal with anymore emotions right now(is that a line or a real concern for him? he comes to all my events since I am a event planner and is always there and present at a huge cost to his depression he pushes himself to make a spot for me) With a past like his is there any room for change or should I worry I will just be another name on a long list? He has expressed fears of ending up alone at the end of the day but can the cycle be changed with the right person, education and work?
Well for one, just don’t take his words to heart. Words are meaningless and if taken seriously, they can be like a sharp knife. So just try to not take them seriously. In your type of situation, you just kind of go with it. He says he’s not ready, you say ‘Hey I respect that, being single is a great time to grow and learn more about yourself’ and you just stick to that attitude with him. When he’s ready to get close to you, he will so let him make the move. He’s the one that revealed all his issues to you, so it’s him that’s going to have to make the first commitment moves. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Let him make moves. Keep your options open. Don’t wait around :)
I dated a woman for 2 and a half years. When we met she told me she was going through a divorce after being married for 10 years. After the first month, I told her that I don’t know if I wanted to continue dating her because I didn’t know how long the divorce process would be. Well, I continued to date her but she still lived at her house with her soon to be x husband. This went on for 6 months until the divorce was final. She moved out of house but she still continued to keep in touch with her x husband throughout our dating time. She knew this bothered me and the fact she was the one who filed for the divorce. She did complain to me about her marriage and that I was a great person because I gave her in the relationship the emotional side which she has never had. But during our time together I found out her mother didn’t like me because I wasn’t good enough for her because of her spending habits and I wouldn’t be able to afford her. Her mother judged me and I only met her for only 2 hours. Well, I found out later that her mother had a bad childhood. Her mother made her feel as though she needed to make all the decisions for her in her life. It got to a point that I couldn’t be around when her parents came to visit her. I had to go back to my own place. Keep in mind, my girlfriend made me leave because the mother thought I wasn’t the one for her. My girlfriend still continued to say she loved me and our relationship was great between us until the mother came into the picture. This bother me so much but I continued to love and date her. I had 2 obstacles in the way of our relationship. The mother and the x husband. She claimed she kept in touch with all of her x boyfriends. Well, towards the end of our relationship she was diagnosed with bi-polar but I told her she had border line personality disorder. I didn’t like the way her mother treated her throughout the relationship. She would always try to control her life and I told my girlfriend this. She said I was right. My girlfriend is over 40 years old. We did break up after 8 months of dating because my girlfriend told me that’s what her mother wanted. Needless to say, we did get back together. I believe we had a good and loving relationship because we never argued and we got along great. Now we are no longer together. During the first month of our breakup she kept calling me and I didn’t respond. The only reason why I responded back because she was in the hospital and she wanted to hear from me and that she was lonely. We continued to talk after that experience and we planned on visiting and she wanted to reconnect. As time went on, I was calling and found myself putting forth the effort and she wasn’t doing much as she was before. The last time we spoke she didn’t want to see me. I believe she used me for emotional side and her x husband for the financial side because she would call him if she was in need of money for things that came up for emergencies. I don’t understand her behavior and she always said she had it difficult growing up. I notice a pattern with her and I could be wrong. She got involved with me when she was going through the divorce and she is now seeing someone else because she did have some things happen to her after our breakup. I still believe since her mother had a difficult childhood, she made her daughter feel as though she couldn’t do anything on her own. Her mother made her feel as though she needed her and to make her decisions. I think she uses people and gets into relationships when the chips are down. I believe she always needs someone because she feels lonely. But when she gets involved with someone the relationship never seems to last. Is this a pattern cause by borderline personality? Is she like this because of her mother and does her mother have it? Being in this relationship and reading about borderline personality, I think she has this. I guess you would have to be in this relationship to see the things I went through. I still love her today and I wonder why we are still not together. Again, we had a wonderful relationship together when it was just us but the outside interference I guess was too much.
Well you’re wrong, her relationships do last. She was married for 10 years. That’s a long time I would say. There could be a number of reasons why the relationship ended, and BPD probably isn’t one of them. What you’re experiencing is a woman that got out of a really long relationship. I can understand why you expect some sort of commitment after 8 months of dating, but you also need to understand that 10 years is a really long time. She’s going to take a looooong time to get over her ex, heal and move on UNLESS she 100% wants to move on. Usually when the men divorce/cheat/leave the women, the woman never gets over this. I know girls that are still hurt from guys that cheated on them in high school, lol. It’s just one of those things they have trouble getting over. Your job isn’t to worry about this though. Your job is to be the man now. That’s what she wants.
Why are we pursuing people mentally unstable, most not able be stable for you. Not trying be mean. Ask yourself that question. You have read books, articles, study this stuff to be able to endure them, that’s not healthy either. But good you have some info on here to help you in areas at least, why pursue people that are mentally unstable? Your hurting them by being their victims
For me, I’ll give anyone a chance if I see potential, mentally unstable or not. If I can inspire someone to work really hard on themselves, then why shouldn’t I give them a chance? I don’t pre-judge people. I always give them a chance. This is why. I have enough experience to know not to commit early on due to exactly what you’re saying. I let things develop over time and I don’t over-commit. It’s what you must do if you want a healthy relationship.
My boyfriend has BPD and he always flips out at me. He tells me I should break up with him and move on with my life because I make life so unbearable for him. He says the memories I evoke can bring him to tears but I’m too selfish to listen, and I justify continuing our relationship by telling myself I can help him get better. He’s made an appointment to begin counselling but I still I should follow him around to make him sad – you know, so that he can learn to control his sadness. That makes sense right? Or maybe I’m just a selfish loner with no one else to talk to so I’ve become totally dependent on him and I can’t tear myself away, even though if I loved him (as in, really love him in the traditional non-compulsive, non-obsessive sense) it would probably be advisable for me to leave him alone and stop hurting him by forcing to the surface memories that have broken his heart.
So my question to you guys is: how much of a bitch am I? I was thinking a scale of 1 to 10 but 1 to 100 might be more suitable. I’d say 1 is totally innocent and 100 is the Devil? Most of my friends say 9 so I guess that converts to a 90 (so maybe just a mass murderer?)
Anyway let me know so I can boost myself esteem.
I would say that your self-esteem issues lies with what you told me: you’re a loner with no one else to talk to. So this should definitely be your #1 focus, finding more quality friends to talk to. Or just constantly working on yourself to boost your self-esteem. You boost self-esteem by just working on your own passions and enjoying your successes. As for your man, you could always try telling him to stop being such a little bitch. See how he reacts ;)
My last comment didn’t seem to go through so I had to write it allll over again. I’m here like ‘omg wow’ because this is the best article I’ve seen on the internet about handling BPD. Everyone else sounds like a wannabe crackpot psych and it is just so annoying.
My boyfriend decided to end our relationship about seven months ago and it broke my poor little heart. I went into severe depression and ended up in therapy where I discovered that I have BPD. Yay. I’ve stopped going to therapy because my psych is useless and while the drugs were fun, they have ten million side effects. Antidepressant, side effects include: depression. wtf.
Anyways I find myself comparing every guy I meet to him because he was the only one to ever stand up to me and he wasn’t bossy or anything. He would occasionally remind me, ‘You think you’re in control, but you’re not. I am.’ So hawt. Sigh. I miss him terribly. I’ve been trying to work on myself since but I can’t help the happy/angry/depressed/godknowswhat cycle. It’s rough.
I try to warn anyone I get involved with that I’m not so stable and I even give them a short description of what it’s about. However, validation is important to me and they always say stuff like ‘omg but you’re such a sweetheart you’re not a bitch haha everyone has problems’. Like could you not? Then they complain when the bitch comes out and tell me all about how insensitive and unaffectionate I am. Cry me a river and drown yourself pls.
My question is: how can I get them to understand? They get so caught up in how absolutely wonderful I am in the beginning that they forget everything I said until it happens. Most guys aren’t initially prepared to do the necessary research that would ultimately help us develop a stable relationship. By the time it starts turning sour and they’re ready to fix it, I’ve lost interest. This love thing is looking pretty bleak, gonna have to stick to being the crazy cat girl (they don’t even love me either ;-;).
Anyhoo, thanks in advance
Haha I just tell it how it is girl! I’m not a BSer, I actually have all this experience with BPDs and I had my heart broken twice by two different women. So I know what I’m talking about. I’m grateful I was able to humble myself and make changes so I could actually understand what’s going on and date these women. And call me crazy, but I think these type of women can be the best women to date. Because like what you said, when the right guy comes along, you really do truly love him. And it isn’t hard to be this guy, it just takes a mindset rest which is tough.
Your dilemma is the dilemma that all attractive women face, lol. You’re probably cute so you’ve got all these ‘good guys’ trying to sweet talk their way into your life. It’s only getting worse and worse, guys are just really not intelligent when it comes to women these days. Even those so-called pick up artists can’t get any girl of quality because she sees right through the BS. So you first need to stop ‘warning’ guys. Honestly, stop feeling bad for yourself, that’s the first step. Don’t label yourself as BPD because everything out there is so damn negative and will make you feel like shit.
I mean really the only thing that matters is what’s going on with you now, in this moment. The past is the past, let it be. So you don’t need to ‘warn’ guys are anything, just be who you are. If they can’t handle it, that’s okay. Use your energy to kick ass in life. There are men (like me) that don’t have a problem dating women like you. I mean I find the bitch side amusing and entertaining, almost hot sometimes cause it means I’m just gonna have my way with you later ;)
So yeah, when these guys start saying you’re sweet and all that, just call them out. Be like ‘you’re just saying that to get in my pants. C’mon now’ or say ‘I know I’m sweet. What you gonna do about it?’ You need to challenge and filter these men out better. The best men aren’t going to be giving you that sweet talk though and I’m sure you know that :P
Hahaaaaaa your response has pretty much made my day! Thank you Rick
I really love your stuff Rick. This is really stuff not found anywhere else online or in any textbook. I don’t agree with EVERYTHING but a good 85-90%. I think that 10-15% window goes with people being individuals who need to be treated as such, and not blanket statement BPDs are all the same and should be treated the same (As you have said many times). In this article I take exception with being logical and easy going as always being bad things. You have to as you have said “not be a nice guy, not be a jerk” but in my experience laying down the law in a logical manner with how they are being irrational and why you will not put up with it can do a great job at establishing a boundary. You don’t repeat yourself but you just say it once and that is the end of it until they are ready to cease their inappropriate behavior. Call them out on their sh*t basically, just don’t dwell on it and go about your business focusing on yourself. I also find there is a time and place to be “easy going” when the situation calls for it as you would with any person bpd or not. However it is key to know your boundaries and put your foot down when they are crossed or you are disrespected. If you are NEVER easy going I think it dangers into crossing into “jerk” territory. Just my two cents! Offering constructive alternative viewpoint. Seriously though great stuff here, most other things you will find online are from jaded souls who have been dumped by their bpd and only offer gloom, doom and no hope at all.
I have my ways of laying down the law. The key is that you lay it down in the BEGINNING of the relationship the FIRST time it pops up. You don’t need to be a jerk about it, it’s just more like ‘Well, I don’t believe that, what I believe is blah blah blah’ or ‘Hey that’s not going to fly with me…’ and etc. and like I said, the sooner you lay this stuff down, the better. Ideally you get your boundaries laid out BEFORE you even begin getting serious :)
The sooner the better. I think you’re right about that. I can admit you are more of an expert on this subject than I. Although with my experience and thanks in large part to your website I am getting to my own expert status haha. Personally though when a BPD partner starts acting irrational, jealous, hypocritical etc, I get satisfaction out of calling out their behavior logically. Even if in the heat of the moment it doesn’t resonate with my bpd partner, deep down since they do look at me for direction I find that later they take my logical words to heart and see that they were being an ass. That is when they come back down to reality and start to look at their actions a bit. If I just tell them they’re being ridiculous and leave it at that I don’t think it allows them to later self-reflect. They need someone to call them out on their sh*t and not coddle them. So when I say “use logic” I don’t mean try to reason with them passively but say “listen, you are being very unfair to me because _________ I do not deserve this and I am leaving until you are ready to give me the respect I deserve”. I find laying the law down in that manner is most effective. Gives you the moral highground, as well as puts the ball in their court without talking down to them. I go cold turkey in not talking with them and usually it’s less than a day goes by before they come back to me hat in hand.
My BPD fiance left me about a month ago. He and I had been together about a year and a half, and best friends for five years. He’s the closest friend I’ve ever had and definitely the deepest love I have ever known. I miss him like crazy.
The heartbreak has been pretty extreme. He left me virtually overnight because suddenly he decided he didn’t “want to be with anyone,” and “wants to be alone forever.” For the first week, I tried to be patient and reason with him, accepting responsibility for my failings and encouraging him to examine his. At first he responded favorably but as more time passed, he became angrier and more distant, and I saw the walls going up.
I love him and I want to be there for him, but I also don’t want to sacrifice my own happiness for his whims. The hardest part for me has been losing the friendship, and how worried I am that he will give up on personal growth altogether. Can I keep him in my life and try to be there for him? Can we go back to being friends or better yet, salvage the relationship? Or is this a lost cause? I know I am capable of sucking it up and move on, but I’m not ready to give up the fight just yet.
I just don’t know what to do, where to start, and when to give up the ghost.
Well what exactly did you ‘fail’ with? That’s kind of a red flag for me. Do you know exactly where you went wrong?
My failing was that I was really pushy — I always trying to help him and make him examine his feelings and dig deep down to figure out what was going on and see a therapist or a psychiatrist.
I actually have experience with being with someone for a long time (5 years) who seemed to have had no interest in digging deep to understand the root causes of his feelings/behaviours for his own personal growth. And in my experience, I was the one who decided that I couldn’t be with somebody who wasn’t interested in their personal growth/bettering himself. As a result, I left him and told him that the reason that I was leaving was that I value growth and that I can only be with somebody who does want to grow. I also said that I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to figure out how important personal growth is. So I left.
Within a week after the breakup, he messaged me, first in denial that he even had a problem, and insisting that I was the one with the problem for expecting too much of him by wanting him to do better for himself by trying to figure out the root of his problems…. He later recanted that statement and admitted that he did need to look into deeper himself and figure out where his issues that reared their ugly heads while we were together were coming from..
He tried convincing me that he would work on himself if we got back together.(which obviously is BS since we had been together for over 5 years and he had never taken that time to do any self-improvement while we were together. So of course I knew to only expect more of the same). I told him that I still had no interest in being together. But that I would be there to help support him as a friend on his path to self-improvement if he was really interested. And I also told him that he should NOT only be working on himself with the hope of getting back together with me, and that he needs to make sure that he’s doing it for the right reasons (himself).
It has been a few months now, and I do see a MAJOR improvement in his approach to his personal growth, and life in general. It’s actually quite staggering to see the stark difference between the way he used to hide, be distant and never open up to me about his real feelings while we were together VS his current willingness to figure out his true feelings, be open about them, and work on handling them better. He has literally made MORE progress with his growth and understanding the root causes of his behaviours and feelings, being open about them, and dealing with them in this past THREE MONTHS, than in the whole 5 years that we had been together; it is nothing short of amazing! If I had known that me leaving him would have forced him to actually make the effort to improve himself and do better in his life, I would have left him a LONG time ago.
Because of the fact that there is a chance that he is only making an effort with this whole “self-improvement” thing with the goal of getting me back, I’m not making it clear that I would ever even consider him a potential partner in the future, forcing him to truly make the effort for HIMSELF (I’m being very careful with this). I will consider getting back with him because I know he still does love me, and I do love him as well. But like I said, I have to SEE CONSISTENT progress over a long period of time before there is any chance of that happening. And If the progress stops, or I notice laziness, I can go on my merry way and not be too worried about it because I had made it clear from the begining that this isn’t something he should be doing with an idea that the end goal is getting me back.
I had asked him why it took me leaving him to actually dig deep into himself and actually realize that he had skeletons that had to be dealt with, and he said that my leaving him was the kick in the ass that he needed to see that there was a lot that was “wrong” with his approach to life, and relationships (ours, and the ones he has with his family).
So YOU needed to be the one to take the power and NOT let him be the one to do that by leaving you. I don’t know how to help you with your situation, I just wanted to let you know that there could have been another (better) ending to the story if you had been the one to take control of the situation.
Are you sure he’s bpd and not a narcissist?
You speak alot about boundaries and your article’s. Do you mean relationship rules? Either way could you elaborate on want “boundaries ” means and perhaps some you have used in the past or present? Thanks
Yeah boundaries are basically your “rules” in relationships if that makes sense. Like if you’re on a date and a girl says some belief of hers that’s different from yours. Instead of being like most guys and just agreeing with her, I would instead disagree and give her my belief. That’s an example of setting a boundary ;)
I am recently out of a relationship with a wonderful girl who has BPD, an emotional roller coaster that I didn’t want to get off despite the ups and downs. I wish I had read your stuff before now so I could have known how to handle her better and maybe we would still be together. Trust issues were a massive problem and she used to go through my phone and facebook messages and conversations I’d had before we were even going out caused her to mistrust me. Light hearted comments were taken the wrong way and she was unable to see my side of the story or listen to my version of events. Despite these things on her good days she was amazing and I would do anything to win her back, even though a little part of me is relieved that the stress/drama is over
It’s not about ‘handling’ the situation better. This is something that so many people get wrong. Deep down you all really just want to control your partner. It’s insane. The sooner you become independent and drop your expectations, the sooner you all will realize that these relationships aren’t that difficult at all. I have absolutely zero drama when I date ‘crazy’ women.
Hi, I left my GF with BPD for about 2 months now because I just couldn’t take it anymore, but the thing is, I REALLY love her and we’ve already done the same thing before and ended up together again and it just got worse than the first time we we’re together. I’m a criminal and drug abuser with ADHD and some sociopathic traits, so when she starts to argue about some insignificant bullshit that later escalates into bigger things that happened before, I try to be calm and understanding at first, I really do, especially after the first time we broke up but she really keeps on nagging until I snap and then I totally freak out and scream, punch walls, throw things and basically destroys everything within 10 yards just to not hit the cause of my psychotic outburst (my ex). I’m in rehab now to stop using, leave my life of crime and of course, to focus on myself just like you said. When I get out of here clean and sober, I’m planning to get back together with my ex and make it right this time, how do I control my temper and keep calm during these situations and how do I cool her down? ’cause she’s pretty intense too but not like me, she’s intense from the beginning and that’s what’s getting on my nerves, and I’m calm in the beginning but switches to hulk crazy in 0.2 seconds after about 15-20 minutes of her intense nagging. After my violent outburst I usually admit, apologize and lay down on the couch and feel defeated even if the thing she accused me of wasn’t true, because that’s the ONLY way to stop it, and then I have to spend the rest of my day kissing her but. How do I get her to realize that she’s also a part of our problem? it’s not always just me. She has never said I’m sorry without following up with but I don’t think I did anything wrong, but I shouldn’t blah blah blah, BUT, BUT, BUT!
This is killing me, please help.
I think what you said is exactly what you need to do, just a lot of self-focus. The real key to healing is getting at the root of your problems. Do you know exactly why you turn into hulk mode? What exactly does she do that makes you feel like raging? These are the questions to ask yourself as they’ll reveal the deep down issues that get unleashed. It’s these deep down issues you must confront and eliminate.
She talks/screams in 200 mph. It stresses me out and I’ve had anger issues ever since I was born, it takes longer for me to freak out now but my outbursts are still very intense. Is there a way for me to make her understand that talking super fast without breaks isn’t gonna make me understand what she’s trying to say any better? ‘Cause that’s what’s make me furious. I feel like I can’t reach to her. Thanks for the answer, I really appreciate it, honestly I didn’t expect one. You seem like you know what you’re talking about, keep on doing what you’re doing you’re awesome! :)
I’m blunt and brash. I would put my hands up in a timeout symbol lol. I’d be like SLOOOOWW DOOOOWWWNNNN and even if she gets mad, that’s okay. Do it anyway.
My girlfriend (now ex) who has BPD recently left me for someone she formed an emotional connection with over the past week. A little backstory…We have been dating for over 3yrs. The first two being a complete _ _ _ _ storm…tumultuous,hostile and strong lack of communication. This was my 1st lesbian relationship so I was insecure in the first place, needy and dependent on her to guide me through this new experience. She was insecure and needy…definitely co-dependant all around. That first year she broke up with me 6x in 18mo rotating me with exes but she always came back.
I have always taken her back after suffering for months in despair. Lots of desperation.
Right now I am in a unique situation where we were set to go on a big trip at the end of the month (June). I am aware of her triggers from past issues (trips are one of them) and that is when we mutually met the person she has now left me for. Crazy thing is this woman (the new interest) admits they are both attracted to each other and she wants to stay friends with me because she has no friends and really likes me!!!!
That is crazy in itself. I set very clear boundaries telling her this is unacceptable behavior and firmly stated “no, that is not possible”. My girlfriend also wants to be friends with me after last week telling me I was “the love of her life” now she is saying we were never meant to be but will always be “Best Friends”. I also said this was not possible and I wish her the best.
After reading your program I cannot tell you how good I am feeling. This came to me at the perfect time. In the past I would be a crumpled up sobbing ball on the floor. I’d be begging her to stay and crying and chasing. Although I love this woman I am done allowing myself to be treated poorly.
I am sure she will come back to work on things again. How would you handle that as far as boundaries are concerned. I am not a doormat however I’ve allowed myself to be. Again,right now I am just working on myself and I really am feeling great doing so!
Thanks for the testimonial! Glad my BPD program is working for you. Feel free to email me with your question as I don’t publicly offer coaching. Anyone who buys my programs gets free personal coaching from me :)
I just wanted to say reading all your work has brought me a lot of comfort. I suffer from BPD and I’m in a long term relationship and I will do anything possible to make it work because he truly is a remarkable person that I know at times has to be patient with me and he always puts me first. I just want to know if you have any articles for people that have bpd that want to focus on their relationship and keeping it strong too. I’m confident in the relationship 100% and I do seek psychological help when times are trying, but something to read that is supportive would be so helpful. Sometimes I feel I can be selfish without realising and shamefully when I have realised I don’t admit it for a while. How can I focus on him more?
Thank you for reassuring me and others that a relationship with a bpd sufferer just like any other relationship can work with a combined effort.
Just another normal girl
Hey Rachel, thanks for the kind words. Honestly, what I find works for me as well as others is to just make it a habit to fill your mind with positive messages, such as my articles. When the brain is left alone to itself, the ego will start to just focus on old thoughts and habits from the past. There are tons of books and audio programs out there that are motivational and positive so definitely seek those out as well :)
Good advice that has been working for me too. I’ve been doing that for the past 8 months lol
First of all, I’d like to say that I’ve finally found the needle I was looking for in the haystack of useless BPD info that the web has to offer!
Over the past few years I’ve found it really difficult to find even the slightest bit of help for partners of people with BPD. There seems to be a lot of information (even if it is not all that helpful) for BPD sufferers themselves but not for the emotional punch bags ie. the partners of BPD sufferers.
I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and it has been a roller coaster to say the least, but I think we’ve done pretty good considering. When we first got together, I knew nothing about BPD but pretty quickly knew after a month or so that her thought processes and outbursts were a little different from that of a rational thinker. At that time, I took it upon myself to do a little research although I didn’t know what it was I was looking for. All symptoms pointed to a personal disorder and finally, ticking every symptom on the list I was certain she had BPD. I got clued up as best I could and didn’t feel it important that I make it a big deal, I just kept the information in my mind as the relationship progressed which looking back really saved me.
I’ve always been a pretty independent person and knew who I wanted to be, maybe that’s the attraction. At the beginning of the relationship the boundaries were set, not for her as that would be a disaster in itself as rules are made to be broken but for myself, as It is easy to become the emotional punchbag if you get sucked into the drama. Setting boundaries for yourself, is something that is under your control and that way the boundaries can’t be tested and broken as you are setting them for yourself. Only you have the power to do so.
In the past 6 months she hit a major low. BPD mixed with severe depression, severe anxiety and being solely dependent on myself for support has taken its toll. Living together made this a toxic environment and I took an emotional battering. Everyone has their limits and unfortunately after remaining strong for so long, I ended up lonely, depressed and my stress levels were off the chart. She needed me to be strong and hand her the ladder to climb out of the pit of depression, but I was struggling myself. I felt like all my energy was being used up on trying to pull her up, but at the same time I had no one to pull me up too as she was in no mental state to do this.
Our relationship has never been the problem, it was ourselves as individuals that we needed to work on fixing. I know that she will always need me more than I need her, but it worries me that if I ever need her she won’t be able to offer me the same due to her not being able to have much empathy to situations that she has no control over. We’ve hit rock bottom and we’re currently on our way upwards and she’s doing so much better, but I feel a bit battered and drained of energy. I abandoned all values and gave in due to my own mental health being compromised and now I’m wondering if you have any advice on how to start building my boundaries back up and strengthening my own mind?
I’m really interested in BPD and have read everything I can find on it books included, as I think there isn’t enough awareness and correct advice available. I’ve found your articles very helpful and it would be great if you have any advice you can give me on this subject?
Thank you in advance,
Well you have to realize that you’re not responsible for her depression and bad feelings. That’s not your fault. So do work on not putting her responsibilities on your own shoulders. Only she can fix herself. You can’t fix her. This is why my BPD advice is way better than everything else out there because I teach people to stop feeling sorry for their partner, to stop feeling responsible, to stop trying to be this hero. And it really is the big difference and gives you the success you seek. It’s counterintuitive :)
Hi Rick, it’s me your fiancee. I’ve proposed a couple of months ago when I read your post for the first time. Remember?
Ok I need your expertise.
People say that you can’t have a relationship if you are not in good terms with your own self. What’s your take on that? Will I die alone? Who’s ever in “good terms” with their own self? We are humans, we are unsatisfied by nature.
I’m a great person, seriously! I’m sweet, I’m funny, I’m smart, I’m cute… my only itty-bitty problem is that I’m beyond fucked up in the head. No-one knows, though. Well just my psychotherapist.
Anyway… I just want to read your take on the “good terms with yourself” thingy.
Well you first must define “fucked up in the head” lol.
“We will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.”
— Norm from Cheers
— Kidding, Abraham Lincoln (although he said “America,” not “we.”)
I am a woman who is being treated for Type I Bipolar Disorder. My adult daughter, however, has BPD. My former fiance has BPD. I’ve seen the identity problems, the outward-turning anger, and other fun things. (No, I am not your maid. Do your own laundry.) (No, kiddo, I’m not going to drive 139 miles at 2 a.m. to color your hair.)
Note: You absolutely can have a relationship when you’re not on good terms with yourself, it’s just that it’s going to suck. You won’t feel complete or happy and your partner will be unhappy as well. YOU CAN’T FIND COMPLETENESS IN ANOTHER PERSON. There is no one on earth that can make you more Natalia than you already are.
If you’re on good terms with yourself– can we say good enough? no one’s perfect!– it’s much likelier that you’ll have a good relationship because you won’t be putting the weight of your problems on someone carrying their own weight already.
Even before all that heavy stuff– a woman who carries herself as if she owns the world, as if she IS sex– that is incredibly attractive. I know from experience that with a little practice, you can pull this off in pajamas and bedhead even if you’re 70 pounds overweight. Lift your chin, swagger, and people see you and treat you as attractive and it feels great! It’s definitely a boost to the ol’ self-confidence.
Sometimes bad people do good things. Sometimes good people screw up. People screw up. I do, you do, Rick doesn’t because this is his site (shh… he does!) and it’s important to learn self-forgiveness. Really. Did you screw the pooch? Admit it, fix the mess, and let it go. Sweep all those bad leftover feelings under the rug and sit on ’em. If somebody says something, smile and laugh. This is not being fake– it is an action in the process of training yourself to quit hating yourself. “…It will be because we destroyed ourselves.” Preach, Señor el Presidente!
You make a good point that humans are dissatisfied by nature, although it is not a cause of being on good terms with yourself. Dissatisfaction is a gift. It’s the spur that keeps us from complacency and the goad that keeps us constantly improving. I’m dissatisfied about my level of knowledge in some areas, so I read a lot. Educating myself is a core value. It seems like areas of dissatisfaction point straight to the things most important to you. If you’re dissatisfied with yourself, it’s obvious that being good with yourself is a big deal.
Will you die alone? Yeah, pretty sure nobody but the Reaper traverses that tunnel with you. Or do you mean in a relationship? Who cares? You’re dying, I think there are more important things to think about. What you’re really frightened of isn’t dying alone, it’s LIVING ALONE. When you fear that, you’ve lost one freedom already– the freedom to move on from a bad relationship, lest you never find another as good. Lincoln tried to warn you, Natalia. He did.
When you find the things important to you and pursue them, when you learn to admit and forgive your own mistakes, when you teach yourself that you’re attractive, that you can solve your own problems and trust yourself, you can entertain yourself, you don’t need a mate. A romantic relationship becomes an option, and because of that, the panic eases, the pressure’s off, and you can finally see if you genuinely like the person you’re dating. You can make decisions by what feels good and right for you.
Excellent advice :)
Hi, I just read this a bit quickly cuz I’m at my office, but I would like to know if this applies to someone that has Borderline Disorder or just their partners. I’m the one that’s just recently been diagnosed and undergoing spot on treatment. Also, I came out of a relationship that I grew attached to about 5 months ago but it kinda traumatized me and now, while being at a Psychiatric Center while they were evaluating me, I met someone… We hit it off really well. He’s a recovering addict and I’m feeling better but also incredibly skeptical about everything but at the same time I don’t want to shut myself off completely. We have the same shrink and we’ve both mentioned our friendship and then romantic sorta relationship to him and he just says to move on calmly. However, I don’t want to compromise my recovery or go threw the hell I went threough with my ex and this time with a recovering addict (I mean, it seams bleak). I’m very close to ending this relationship altogether and just remaining friends.
Remember the golden rule: you attract what you project. Attraction is universal. The type of person you are is who you will always end up with. You are seeing this right now as you attract another unhealthy person in a place that is designed for recovery, lol. So you’re seeing this universal law happen before your eyes. The reason I talk so much about self-improvement is because when you improve yourself, you’ll attract other healthy individuals. If you remain your same old, unhealthy self, then all your partners will have issues. This is why 90% of people struggle in relationships these days since 9 out of 10 people have issues.
You seem to have a lot to say about being on the other side of the borderline personality relationship. I am not doubting your professional opinion. However, it is just an opinion. I understand that BPD has defining characteristics, and you are absolutely right in advising the person WITHOUT BPD to take care of themselves. However, I’m not sure it’s wise to also encourage them to send the subliminal message of not needing the other person. Every human being, whether they are affected by this disorder or not, likes to feel needed. I completely support self empowerment and being able to function without having a significant other. It’s vital that every individual learn to care for their own emotional needs. The question I’m posing for you is this; How do you suppose encouraging that behavior really has a positive effect if you’re not ALSO reminding these people that they are in a relationship, and part of that is taking care of the other persons emotional needs to some degree? I’m very hesitant to even mention this because I feel your answer will be heavily influenced, but I have BPD. As a result I’m often given an explanation that has nothing at all to do with my actual questions, but instead a rhetorical diatribe of how my feelings aren’t real and my illness is what makes me think so irrationally. I’m very intelligent, I have researched my condition obsessively, and I agree with a lot of the treatments and methods of controlling the impulsiveness that is one of BPD’s most defining characteristics. My concern here is feeling you’re categorizing everyone with this illness into one sector and trying to teach other people to cope with it. I don’t feel you stress enough on the individuality of the person with BPD. I feel that we are all the same person to others not affected by this, and that others think one set of coping mechanisms is supposed to work for everyone. Both you and I know that’s not the case.
I’m not intending to dispute anything you have written here. I’m simply seeking knowledge from multiple sources about Borderline Personality Disorder.
I am a recovered Borderline/Codependent so I know what I’m talking about. And you’re wrong – not every individual likes to feel needed. That just isn’t true lol. I will say that UNHEALTHY people want to feel needed because they are insecure and lonely and all that. But people like me who have taken life by the horns, have worked hard and are of high quality do NOT feel like they need anybody – why would we when we got here all on our own?
What’s interesting about this is people like me who have worked so hard to get to the top have no problem attracting people into our lives. It’s a very advanced subject, but it makes perfect sense when you get to this level. It’s why I teach people to work so hard to move up in the world. Because when you do, you’ll have zero problems attracting like-minded, positive, high quality people into your life and you won’t have any drama.
Your comment makes a lot of sense to me, Reenie. I thought of the exact same things while going through the post. I am a BPD too, btw.
However, I do think there are people in the world who do not like feeling needed or want to feel needed.
Reenie, I tend to agree with you, and I’m glad you asked the questions you did. It drew Rick out a little more and clarified his position. Ok, Rick is a “recovered” BPD. He does make some excellent suggestions on personal development and autonomy that, as he says, are good for anyone to put into practice. Not just for romantic relationships, but relationships with family, coworkers, friends, etc. However I take issue with the really rather obsessive focus on the “independent, I don’t need you” and the “being on top, high quality” goal. It sounds like someone who has been very hurt, is determined NEVER to be hurt again by ANYONE for ANY reason, and has walled themselves off. And the consistent talk of “dating, dating, dating”, always being able to find “quality” people to date, sounds like a serial dater who will avoid commitment at any cost so that there will never be any emotional attachment at a level that would include some amount of, lets call it responsibility, towards another person. Where does Rick draw the line? How can you have what he calls I suppose a “dating relationship” that doesn’t require some responsibility toward the other person? At the bare minimum, unless we’re being badly treated from the get-go, don’t we owe even a stranger, for instance, courteous behavior? Don’t we owe our neighbors consideration when we go about our daily lives, as in not blasting party music at 3am in the morning? Rick makes it sound like it is his duty to prevent any expectation on the part of his “dating partner” because it will mean that person is looking to him to meet her “needs”, which is an absolute no-no. Sorry, but humans do have mutual needs that we meet and expect to have met all the time. Rick’s relationship model seems to be more along the lines of, “I got mine, now you go get yours”. I could see why he is an expert at serial dating-any commitment even at the most basic level appears to be more than he can handle and his dating scenario comes across as rather superficial. If others are into that, fine. Eventually, though, the majority of people want more and it works if both are willing to have some responsibility for treating each other accordingly.
I’m going to rewrite this article because it’s almost been 2 years since I wrote it. You need to understand my audience at the time I wrote it when my site was MUCH smaller: I ONLY had readers who were extremely codependent. So knowing this, my articles of old were all about teaching these readers to basically polarize and do the opposite of what they were doing. The reality of this is that the reader ends up becoming more independent – but not even CLOSE to the narcissistic level that you’re referring to. So that was the intention.
Now that my site is much bigger and getting thousands of visits per day, people who don’t have codependency are going to read my advice as very narcissistic lol. I rewrite my articles often because of this. I just haven’t yet gotten to this article to make it more ‘mainstream’. Hope this clears it up :)
dazed & Confused says
I am currently married to a woman that I believe has BPD and she recently filed for divorce. I dated her for 4+ years and have been married for 23 months and knew really only through her telling me while we dated that she had depression and anxiety issues but never saw what I have seen since we got married. According to her I did a couple of things early on in the marriage that I didn’t even realize were that mean to her and I think she was unable to get over them. She also has a trait of passive aggressive I believe. She would continue to put me in no win situations and argue over very trivial things. She would start out conversations by saying mean things to me like you don’t have any friends or you don’t have a sense of humor or even worse I hate my job to which I would reply quit and find one that is less hours because we will be alright but then she would reply to that that she hates her home life too. Lately every argument would start with we need to get a divorce or we can’t live together or sometimes end with her saying I don’t love you anymore. We were living like bad roommates for a very long time. When we were dating I would only stay at her place very infrequently and only a night at a time. She takes no responsibility for what she is doing and never says she is sorry. I loved the woman I dated and married but not the one after the wedding was over. It almost seemed like she sabotaged the marriage very early on and I hope this is a mental condition and not the fact that I married the meanest woman on the planet! Thanks for the blog as it has helped me with my perspective greatly.
Remember that in order to win against crazy, you have to be the type of guy that she looks at and says “Well, I can’t BS this guy. I have no clue how to be crazy towards him.”
jenny Simpson says
Hi Rick, thank you for the article, since there are many of us who are dating borderlines and are not sure how to deal with it. My partner is diagnosed with BPD and we are in a long distance relationship, but now all of a sudden, for a month, he is giving me the silent treatment for no reason. Previously, I know that he was experiencing anxiety and depression and I really wanted to be there for him, but he completely shut me off…After a month of tolerating the silent treatment, I finally texted and said that I believe we should talk and he said ok, I will call you, but a week already passed and he didn’t, so I’m not really sure what to do? And if he calls, what to expect? Never dealt with a borderline before, please help!
Long distance relationships are just the worse, I really can’t help you because I don’t recommend them in the first place. Now don’t go moving to him though, that would just be pursuing and we should all know by now in 2015 that pursuing is NOT attractive.
Red PIll says
BPD is the norm but some a REALLY BDP. Run your ass off of them because they will ruin you.
Lol thanks for the comment
“Nearly every man or woman with a hint of attractiveness seems to have these BPD characteristics.”
What are you implying here, that there is a correlation?
Let me state that I am NOT implying that all attractive men and women have BPD. I am simply stating that anyone who is attractive and received a lot of attention WILL show signs of BPD to certain people (it could be as simple as ignoring you, leading you on, hot/cold behavior, etc.). That’s all I’m saying :)
I have been reading your website for about 5 years now and I can’t thank you enough for your valuable advice. I have also bought your online books, and they have been of great help. I have ardently researched on BPD and Co-dependence for the last 6 years, and I would say I agree with about 80% of what you write. The 20% being the fact that I am female and working on my Co-dependence/BPD and feel many times your articles are targeted at a male audience. A few comments:
1. Co-dependence/BPD are more of relationship problems with ones self and hardly about their partner. Which is why the advice you give works. Work on improving yourself and it will automatically improve your relationship with your partner.
2. Since the problem is about the relationship with yourself, once I began following your advice, I strained relationships with most of my close friends and family member who couldn’t take the new me, that stood up to them, was honest about her feelings, was confident, looked good and now have began making new friends that are so different from my old ones.
3. I have realized that most people with BPD and Codependence will also have elements of Narcissism, Psychopathy, e.t.c Kindly expand the site to cover other disorders.
Once again I thank you for all the useful information.
Hi Suzy! Thanks for the kind words and great insights. You are correct in what you’ve noticed. The reality is that most people (think like 95%) are Codependent in a way, and there are lots of BPD symptoms running around as I pointed out in the article above. I will eventually expand the site to other disorders, but in time. Remember that personality disorders are misdiagnosed nearly all of the time (other than PTSD) and the sooner we move away from labels and simply accept the fact that everyone is different and unique, the world will be a better place :)
Certainly agree narcissistic traits are on the rise.
But not every woman is BPD. Probably 3 in 10 have major BPd traits though.
The average woman may be crazy, but not “crazy”. If you think they are all “crazy” then that is probably a bit of projection on your part.
I believe that everyone is crazy in their own way. But again, this doesn’t matter. All that matters is you learn how to adapt and to learn how relationships work. When you have the skills, you can date 99% of the people out there. That 1% of true crazy are the ones you skip and leave for the beta males lol
My boyfriend just told me after 3 months he needed a break from us, he told me that he felt I disrespected him by not giving him me time, which is true I was being pretty selfish…he told me hes private and reserved, doesnt like alot of people knowing things about him and that he has the habit of leaving people when they start caring about him because of trust issues…
I told him I was sorry for being selfish, that I do respect him, that I know hes reserved and private but that he shouldn’t leave when care starts as u miss out on things and that I do wanna built trust with him and never expect to know 100% all about him…hes had a not so good past with women because of what one did to him so I think hes got that in his mind
The problem is that you played right into his manipulation. You should have instead told him “aww boohoo, poor you with the trust issues. Grow up. IF you can’t see that I’m good for you, then I’m moving on.” Both guys and girls fall for these games all the time.
Thats sooo scary to do.. Guess its my issue . I been in a Relationship for 3.5 year.. Been so beautiful, and yet so hard. I lost my self the last year.. but i still have love and so do he. I am very very very sure of that.. But he run away from me. and he know that I die every time he do that.. now he is amsterdam and do a lot of drugs, and sex i am sure.. but he contacted med and he is lost but still not finish with amsterdam, most of me say RUN.! but a part of my heart just want it to work.. You think its possible to make good. there is many things happen with the truest , other people, money issues abandons many times.
Hi Rick, I was reading all the post and comments and I wanted to make a post of my own. I have been having many problems lately and hurting very badly. I was told I had BPD by two different thearpists. Please excuse my spelling errors. Anyways I have been married less then a year and I have been going through mood swings and doubt and its been a nightmare. I am open and honest with my wife about everything and she is super supportive. I know for a fact that I care about her and she is such a good woman. Very loving and kind and all together wonderful. I feel like I have been like a light bulb turning on and off every second. Sometimes I have great feelings and sometimes I dont. Its a roller coaster for sure and it hurts me. Some days I am attracted to her and some days im not. I have had sub consis feelings that I can not shake and they really hurt me. I know I dont wanna have those feelings. I just started seeing my thearpist and she told me I am in a very loving relationship and that she said it looks like I really love my wife alot. I wish I could shake these ugly feelings and stop going back and forth. Kinda like a pin ball machine. Alot of the days im so depressed that I dont wanna do anything and I sit and dwell. For the record we dont abuse each other or say negative things at all. Its a very good relationship. If I am happy with her then why do I have those sub consis feelings that I can not shake about doubt and her not being the right one? My thearpist thinks I have the fear of losing people and that I self sabatage everything.
Well it sounds like your wife has no plans of leaving you, correct? Is your sex life good as well? Relationship wise, you’re actually doing well because you’ve got your partner focused on you, hence why she doesn’t leave you. Read the comments here and you’ll see the opposite, tons of people failing because they’re so focused on their partner (pushing them away).
Anyway, I suggest that if you have bad thoughts, you probably need to get them out. So therapy is good. Another option is to get a journal and physically write these out. Then, burn that piece of paper. Watch the thoughts burn. It’s very powerful. Also, go for runs as exercise is very good when you are thinking negativity. Hope these help :)
Hello Rick, first I have high praise for your website and people work. Well put all. And as such am having a question and struggle if this is a catch phrase or truism: ” People who tend to fail in BPD relationships are those who lack the attitude and the character that these people need in their life.”.
I was in such a relationship and am a bit also on the BPD spectrum due to the many life hardships since early childhood and ongoing adulthood. But fail to understand how if you give space to one you love and be there for them is bad? To help one get on their feet? Do I need to be hardcore and bigot to keep relationship with BPD person? I fail to understand also your “snowflake” analogy in a sense of what I said above.
It’s a general statement meaning it’s generally true. What’s also generally true is that when you cater to Borderlines, when you’re being overly nice and supportive and passive and letting them walk on you, the relationship will fail. This type of person is a “snowflake” who has no backbone, no strength, no willpower, etc.
Thanks for the reply Rick, I see now what you mean by “snowflake” now it makes perfect sense the acronym. I guess I was dealing with a person that regardless of all wanted all on her terms, be it good or bad and no “correct” behavior looking back worked long term. I was supportive and nice, but not overly. Always called on the bs thrown at me from her even when she seemed like in problem and me giving space and support, but lashing out on me with odd talk and acts of verbal aggressiveness. Am not a snowflake for sure and was not in the relationship, have seen a lot of bs and been through a lot since early childhood. Hell, I can even write a book of the many “adventures” been through. So my question is if even I did act proper and supportive like to any other person, if I saw the bs coming even before it came in full and confronted all the time, if did not let being bullied or thrown left and right, then what mistake I made to have her disappear and leave our relationship, any suggestions?
I’m a single dad with 6 kids, 4 of which are living with me. One of my girls is my step daughter from a previous relationship, she is 19 and lives with her Nan. I have had many concerns and shed many tears for her and share a very close bond. She is a strikingly beautiful young women and has always been emotionally wild. I use to put it down to abandonment issues because of her biological dad and the death of her mum’s dad a couple of years back but in the last 12 months it has become increasingly obvious that there was more to it than that. She started “Cutting” when she was about 14 which I struggled to understand why but offered a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to that wouldn’t judge her. In the last 6 months she was diagnosed BPD and has been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. This has been all consuming and I have struggle emotionally to try and get to the core of her unhappiness, I formed a very strong connection with her when she last attempted suicide. Her mum had given up on her as “Attention Seeking” and for want of a better word a “Slut” because of her behaviors and she opened up to me completely. HOLY SHIT! I have never cried so much in my life! The suffering and pain she is exposed to is beyond words. It has forced me to look for the best approach to offering advise, understanding and to increase her own self awareness of this disorder.
She has just started another relationship and I’ve told her that I am extremely protective of her but can already see the “Honeymoon period” and it worries me. We still talk very openly but I obviously don’t have her full attention.
Its a very simplistic question but can you offer some advice?
I do not judge her mum, in reality I think her mum is BPD from everything I experienced with her during and after our relationship – I still care for her greatly, just not in a romantic sense.
Got to love how doctors are so quick to label her as “BPD” and think that will give you the answers you seek. Obviously it doesn’t. It makes things even more confusing since BPD is such a complex issue. So here’s what you want to do going forward: forget about the BPD label. Focus ONLY on the actual behavior that you’re witnessing from your daughter. Cutting, for example, shows that she has some intense insecurities going on deep within. The key to this is getting her to reveal these deep insecurities, which can take some time. Simply putting her on meds or taking her to the doctor does NOTHING for her. It just suppresses the issue and puts a label on it.
I’m not a father so I’m no expert in raising children. But it is important that you don’t try to be too protective. At the end of the day, teenagers are going to do what they want to do. The more you try to constrict that, the more they rebel. It’s similar to dating. When you try to control and chase and push and such, all it does is push your partner further away.