Got an in-depth email from a coaching client who wants some feedback on his long-distance relationship with a BPD girl. It takes courage to sign up for my coaching as I tend to bring the hard truths.
I thought I would share with you my thoughts in this article because you’ll find it very relevant if you are also in a long-distance relationship.
Borderline women can be quite tough to date these days. But seeing how BPD is basically “mainstream” and found in almost all women, I think you’ll benefit greatly from the information I shared with my client.
You’ll find my comments below in the BLUE text. The client’s comments are the regular black text.
Let’s get started…
“Hi Rick, I’m sorry about my English, since I’m french, I hope you will understand this. I’m dating a Korean girl who is BPD, and I’m totally lost. I found you on the internet and I wanted to get some advice because I feel that my relationship is going down hill fast and I really don’t want this happen.
Thank you for reaching out to me. Let’s hope I can get your relationship turned around.
Here is my story point by point.
I’m 25 y/o, she is 24. Im french and she is korean. We met in Korea and at that time, she was doing a long distance relationship with another man (he was american). Their relationship was a bit weird. She told him that she loved him, but the best answer she got was : I like you a lot.
I am assuming that her long-distance guy never told her that he loved her back. This is actually a pretty smart move on his part. I tell my readers ALL THE TIME to never be as lovey dovey or sensitive or emotional as their partner. Words of closeness as I call them usually result in BPD’s going distant on you.
She thought (and probably still thinks) that since they’ve been dating only for 3 months, this relationship could of work if they had more time. The man didn’t get a hold of her. As her “best friend” at that time, we were spending A LOT of time together. I saw her going nuts because of him.
First mistake — you never want to be a girl’s best friend. She’ll keep you there forever and your chances of getting intimate with her are extremely slim. Also, it’s very common for a BPD to be completely in love within a week of meeting a brand new person. So 3 months doesn’t surprise me at all.
When we were friends, I told her that I loved her. She didn’t say much because she was with this american guy (I know, saying this to an unavailable woman is bad…).
Learn from this mistake. Never tell a girl other than your fiance that you love her.
She went crazy so many times because of him. He logged on Facebook, posted something on his wall, commented another thing and logged off without talking to her. This attitude drove her mad and she was crying so bad. She wanted to go to the States where he works during summer vacation because she wanted to make her relationship work.
She doesn’t sound like a BPD yet at all. She simply sounds like a girl who’s fallen for a dude who lives across the pond. He probably simply isn’t that interested in her. She thinks that if she goes to the U.S., she can make the relationship work. She must really think he’s a great guy — and maybe he is!
I was the best friend (in love). I listened to her. Comforted her when she was sad. We spend all day long together and when I went home, we talked over the phone for hours. One night, she went mad and we crossed the line. She asked me to have sex with her. I was in love (I still am) and I knew it was the worse thing I could do…but I did it.
I don’t see why that’s a bad thing. I haven’t read ahead so my assumption is that you made the sex awkward and unattractive. You’re supposedly in love with this girl so why weren’t you excited to have sex? Why do you think it’s such a bad idea? Time to read on and find out what happened.
After this, our relationship went odd. She hates cheaters and liars and she started saying that she turned into one of them. Well, she told her boyfriend at that time that she had a new friend (me) and he knew what we were doing. But he didnt give a crap. Finally, they broke up, she was super sad, and we started dating.
Not surprised at all. It was obvious just from what you told me above that her boyfriend wasn’t interested in her anymore. As for sleeping with her, nothing wrong with that. You have control over your actions and how you react. So if the relationship goes ‘odd’, then you back off. Let a girl think to herself.
She never accepted the fact that we were together. I wasn’t her boyfriend and she asked me to not say to my friends that she was my girlfriend.
If she says you’re not her boyfriend, then you’re not. You’re being controlling here so it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that she didn’t want to commit. Which proves my point — you have expectations. That’s bad. Never have expectations in regards to relationships. Always make the girl initiate the relationship. Girls ALWAYS want to lock down the man. Not vice-versa.
She saw me as a sex partner.
Nothing wrong with that. But if you’re needy and desperate, being a fuck buddy will drive you nuts.
We did that for a while (few months) and we became closer and closer. She stated to talk about marriage more and more, and for me it sounded great.
Okay, now the BPD red flags are popping up. She doesn’t want to commit 100% to you and be ‘official’ but she’s talking marriage?
Right now, we still talk about it a lot. I wanna get married to her and she says that she is “stuck with me”, so yeah… We are doing a long distance relationship right now. Im in France, she is in Korea, and we are supposed to meet each other again next year in February. We are supposed to live together in France while I finish my studies then we can get married.
I always recommend guys to not get into long-distance relationships because they create problems. But seeing how attached she was to her last boyfriend, it might work out. I don’t think it’s good of her saying that she’s stuck with you. The relationship already sounds toxic to me and I would dump her if I were you. But we both know you won’t listen to me.
She is not my first and he knows it.
I had some other relationships before with other women. My last ex girlfriend, we were living together in the same apartement (with my best friend). And I had another relationship with another korean girl before that. I also had a short relation with another korean girl… but it turned out that this girl was kind of a hooker… (I didnt know, and I broke up with her the very same day I learnt it).
Ok so you’ve had other girlfriend. Big deal. If she’s mad about it, she needs to either get over it or you dump her. Simple as that.
She hates my past. She thinks I’m disgusting by having sex with girls that I didn’t love.
She’s a hypocrite because who’s her to judge you about your past and who you loved? Dump her.
I never loved a girl before her (she is the first love of my life but she doesn’t trust it).
She doesn’t trust you. And you still want her? Dump her.
Each time we have sex, she thinks about me having sex with them. She thinks about me touching them, saying the same things to them, etc. Its a huge problem. She is very jealous about this. She says ‘I wanna puke each time I think about it.’
So your sex life is horrible. And you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Dump her.
She has a huge trust issue about men. She thinks that men are animals, that they have sex without love, that they use girls, lie, cheat, etc.
All BPD’s have major trust issues. But as long as you allow her to behave this way around you, your relationship will always be toxic.
She feels very insecure when she has a boyfriend thinking that her boyfriend is gonna get sick and tired of her and dump her like she is nothing.
BPD’s hate the feeling of being abandoned. They’ve had bad luck with previous boyfriends. But again, if you let her behave like this around you, she’ll keep doing it and it will reinforce her beliefs.
Another point that I forgot to say: Our love. I love her like crazy. She knows it. But her love for me is different (she told me this). She has a “family love” for me. I don’t really know what it is. She considers me as her husband, she does love me, but as she says it herself, she is not “in love with me”. I really don’t get it…
It’s typical BPD behavior to be honest. She won’t allow herself to completely become attached because of her fear of abandonment. You can either make a big deal about this with her like most guys do (and push her away more), or you can tell her that you understand and leave it at that. Again, let HER be the one initiating the relationship ‘levels’.
We argue a lot about my past. She says that I disappoint her all the time. I’m kind of very sensitive as well (I know I shouldn’t be).
I don’t know why you’re letting her behave like that around you. And you’re arguing with her about it? That is ridiculous. Don’t let her play that game with you. Grow some balls. Hang up on her next time she tries to pull that shit and this also goes with anything else negative she says about you. Stop being sensitive. Hang up when she’s being a bitch.
I had some questions :
What can I do when she starts talking about my exes?
Simple — tell her you’re going to hang up if she keeps bringing them up. And do it if she does. Grow some balls.
I know she is right, but she keeps talking and talking… And she gets mad until she says: ‘I cant accept your past, that’s why it will not work out.’
She’s NOT right. She’s being an asshole. It’s your past which you have NO control over. Next time be like ‘Okay your loss, bye’ and hang up. She’ll apologize soon.
She doesn’t want me to talk to anybody (no friends), she knows my Facebook account, my email, my skype… Each time I talk to somebody (even my family),she gets mad because she thinks either I’m flirting with some girls, or I talk shit behind her back… WHICH I DON’T!
I know you don’t — she’s just being crazy. It’s a big mistake to give her your Facebook and emails and all that. You need to have your own life outside of hers. She needs to quit EVERYTHING you just mentioned or else you dump her. That is 100% un-called for behavior. And you need to stop being a little pussy.
Should I be more distant? We talk everyday on Skype for hours… And sometimes we have nothing to say to each other and it’s embarrassing.
I actually love silence in conversations. Nothing wrong with that. Silence builds attraction because it forces people to think. You should just sit back and relax when there’s nothing to say. Surf the web. Check Facebook, etc. Now if you want your conversations to be shorter, just tell her you have to go when she starts being an ass.
But I’m scared that If I become more distant, she will think (and actually she already thinks that way) that I’m changing (like her exes). She is scared that I will change like her exes and get tired of her.
Do what you want man. You have no control over how she feels so stop trying to control her. You can’t! If she thinks you’ve changed, just tell her that she’s incorrect and drop it. That’s all you can do bro.
I’m supposed to start working soon (she doesn’t like this because she is scared that I cheat on her with other girls). I wont be able to get a hold of her as much as now. I’m scared that she goes out and hangs out with her friends. If I say “Have fun out there” she is gonna think that I don’t care about her life. If I say “Don’t go please”, she will think that I smother her…
It’s always better to have a girl think you don’t care than to have her feeling smothers. It’s also interesting that you’re insecure about her night life. You need to have your own life just like she should be able to. You should be GLAD that she’s getting out and having a good time…
Yes I cut it a bit early. There were a few more questions but I think I covered pretty much everything he needs to be told.
This girl definitely has trust issues with men and relationships which are very typical with borderlines.
But the main thing I want to point out here is that as the non in the relationship, you have complete control over your behavior and how you react to things.
If you’re sitting on the phone letting your girlfriend talk crap about your past, then you’re a complete pushover. You are a pussy. There is absolutely no reason why you should listen to that.
My current girlfriend who’s a borderline has done all of these things mentioned above in this email. However, I simply reacted differently when she did these things for the first time and she rarely tries to pull these things again. Does she still have trust issues? Of course — I don’t think there’s anyone on this planet that doesn’t.
The key to BPD relationships is learning how to control the things that are within your power (like your behavior). Your girlfriend’s thoughts are NOT within your power. Stop thinking that things will just ‘get better’ if you do nothing.
I love you.