In comes a question from a nice woman who is wondering if she can get her BPD boyfriend back after he abruptly broke up with her. It seemed to be the typical “out of the blue” break up that you always hear about.
These are some of the worst experiences to go through, and I’ve been through several myself when it comes to dating women. Whether they had BPD or not doesn’t really matter: getting ghosted or ditched out of the blue hurts. And, if you’re not prepared for it, it can stop you in your tracks for several months.
Here’s what she sent me:
“Hi Rick. My BPD boyfriend broke up with my out of the blue last month. We had been seeing each other for almost a year. What’s so confusing is that just a day before he broke up with me, he was telling me how he loved being with me and that I’m the best girlfriend he has ever had. He has blocked me everywhere and I have had to get creative to find ways to contact him. But he responded by telling me to NEVER contact him again and to go find another man to torment. I’m just so lost and confused by this. I don’t know what to do. I’ve always treated him well and he won’t tell me what I did that made him so angry with me. I’m trying to move on but it’s so hard without the closure. Do you think he will come back? What should I do going forward?”
Thus is the life and cycle of most BPD relationships. If you’re not ready to handle this sort of behavior, then you shouldn’t be dating someone with BPD.
Now obviously that’s much easier said than done. You can’t help who you like and want to spend time with. Even I’m guilty of dating women with BPD to this day because a lot of these people are just so fun to be with when they’re having a good day.
So I don’t blame you at all for giving this relationship a shot and trying your best at it.
But as I’ve been saying for years now, when it comes to these types of relationships, you really have to keep yourself at an arms-length at all times. At least at an emotional level.
I can date BPD women just fine these days because I never let myself get attached. Now I know some people are going to read that and think I’m some cruel person. But this isn’t the case at all. I still treat these women with great respect and I make sure that all the times we have together are great.
However, when things aren’t looking to good, I always make sure to end our time together. I don’t mean breaking up, I just mean that I go home or end the date early.
You have to be really good at reading people when it comes to BPD relationships. You need to be able to read over text, over the phone, and in person if it’s a good idea to be seeing your BPD partner for that day. I can’t stress how important this is.
You must keep in mind that you’re dating someone who has a severe mental illness. This is the type of illness that causes people to take their own lives. It is very serious and you should not be treading it lightly.
And, the most important fact about being friends with these people is that you cannot help them. They must seek help on their own. All you can be is a support system and that’s it. It’s very tough to be close with these types of people because at the end of the day, you can’t help them.
If they suddenly decide to end the relationship even though you’ve been nothing but good to them, that’s 100% their decision and there isn’t anything you can do about it. You need to give him space and let him come to you on his own time.
BPD Break Ups Hurt
I know you’re hurting, but this goes back to my first point above: you got too attached and close to this person. You opened up your heart and in return, it got stomped on out of the blue.
It sucks that this happened, but you’re dating someone with a severe mental illness. This is NEVER going to be a “normal” type of relationship that you can depend on for some sort of consistency. No matter what, it will always be inconsistent. And you have to be ready for that.
This is actually a very GOOD thing to understand. It allows you to have great relationships with these types of people without getting terribly hurt when things end. Yes, it will always sting to lose someone that you enjoyed being with.
But, by understanding that they suffer from a serious mental illness that is out of your control, this truth allows you to keep yourself from getting overly committed to this person. By knowing that the relationship may end at any moment, you won’t allow yourself to become fully taken by this individual.
This is very important to understand. And, you can still have very fun times with people who have BPD. Learn to enjoy the MOMENTS you have together, and go back to your normal life when the date ends.
This is a HEALTHY approach to BPD relationships and anyone arguing otherwise doesn’t have a clue.
Can You Get Your BPD Boyfriend Back?
Of course! But, it’s obviously out of your control. If he wants you back in his life, you’re going to have to wait for him to make that contact. It’s not a good idea for you to reach out anymore since you’ve already tried once.
My rule when it comes to contact is this: if you don’t hear from someone for 4-5 days, go ahead and reach out to them ONCE. If it goes well, then set up a future date to get together.
If it doesn’t go well, or you get ignored or something, then never contact the person again. You’ve put the ball into his court. It’s now his turn to throw it back. So let him be, try to get on with your own life, and don’t sit around waiting for an apology. You’re not going to get one.
And if you read this far, I encourage you to sign up for my email newsletter. I regularly send out emails answering questions from readers like you who are searching for answers in their BPD relationships.