As someone who has dated someone with BPD, and have several friends with BPD, I want to share some advice about what to do when your borderline ex stops communicating and cuts you off.
It’s a common question I receive from both men and women who are in relationships with people who have BPD.
Now, you don’t need to some communication or relationship “expert” to make these relationships succeed.
In fact, I would say it’s much better to be experienced than to be “smart”. This is true in the real world and it holds true for relationships as well.
Take a look at all these young kids coming out of college with degrees who have been babied throughout life. They’re smart kids.
But, these kids know nothing about how the real world works. They lack experience and usually end up are living at home into their mid-late 20’s because landing a job requires acing an interview.
The younger generation is having immense difficulty developing social skills, getting into relationships, communicating with others, and so on. Millenials and younger gen also suffer from high levels of depression.
Therefore, while this article is about bettering your communication with a Borderline, I’ll also try to change your mindsets and help you be more aware of what might be going on in your relationships.
Chances are, because I always write about BPD and Codependency, your relationship struggles are going to be related to the codependent mindset.
At the end of the day, most relationship problems stem from this unhealthy mentality. Think of codependency at the top of the pyramid with all your problems pouring down from it.
So, I always mention my free email guide which is about my previous codependent life and how it fugged up my first BPD relationship.
Everything I write about on this website has some sort of root in the codependent mindset.
That’s how common it is. It’s responsible for most problems men and women encounter in relationships.
Now let’s dive into some communication problems you may be making in your BPD relationship.
1. Don’t get caught up in the rebound trap
When people break up, they usually try to fill in the emotional pain by finding someone else to temporarily fill the void.
This usually means going out to a bar, meeting a new guy or a girl for the first time, and sleeping with them.
Or they may have an old ex or a fling they’ve kept in touch with over the years for this very reason. You break up, you call up an old ex who is still “in love” with you, and hooking up is easy.
I constantly see people pointing their fingers at Borderlines for being promiscuous and talking to their exes.
But the truth of the matter is that most people do this. Most people who are good looking and charming and whatnot will go on the rebound and sleep around to fill the void.
It’s not just a BPD thing. As humans, we tie our own happiness with the pleasure we get. So when we’re hurt and beaten up, we often turn to somebody who will make us feel better.
If you’re social and good looking, it’s not going to be difficult to call up an old fling or go out with your friends on the town in search of a rebound.
The point to understand here is that whether your BPD ex does this or not doesn’t matter… They’re going to do what they want and there is nothing you can do about it.
What I want you to be aware of is whether your BPD ex starts to use you as a rebound. This is pretty common. Your ex might not be talking to at the moment, but who’s to say they won’t call you up in a week wanting to sleep with you?
Too often I see both men and women getting sucked into this. Their BPD ex calls him up wanting to ‘hang out’ and sleep together.
Then she disappears again right after.
This happens all the time. So what you must do is resist this moment. Don’t communicate that you’re so willing to take your ex back.
They’ll use you for sex just to fill the void. And then leave you again right after because they’re probably dating somebody else.
I see this happen all the time. This is what happens in the real world and most people do this.
So point #1: don’t fall into the rebound trap. Don’t let your ex have a way with your body so easily. Communicate that you’re not that easy, that they need to try a little harder than that.
2. Take this time to relearn who you are
The foundation of everything I teach is based on the truth that the more you know yourself, the more success you’ll find in all walks of life.
This is especially true when it comes to BPD relationships because people with BPD are really looking for a sort of ‘father figure’ in a sense.
This is due to their troubled upbringing and it’s not their fault. So you need to understand that who they are is simply due to factors out of their control when they were younger.
But this still doesn’t excuse their behavior when they are adults. As I teach in my Better BPD Relationships course, you and your partner need to take responsibility for the actions you two make.
Throwing around blame and pointing fingers does you no good. Even if your BPD partner has always blamed you for everything, don’t try to turn it around and throw blame back.
So during this time of break up when your ex isn’t communicating with you, take this valuable time to relearn who you are.
What are your goals for the next month? 3 months? 6 months? 12 months?
What hobbies have you been interested in but haven’t had the time to get involved with?
What is it that you really want in your life? Can you describe your ideal lifestyle down to the most specific details?
How do you see yourself in your ideal, perfect life?
If you can sit down and write at least 5 pages of what you want in life, your goals, your ideal lifestyle, then you’re on the right track.
This exercise is meant to get your mind back on the right track. A relationship with ups and downs can easily throw you off course if you don’t keep yourself in check.
A lot of people are worse off after they break up. And this is just bad. This is a result of not knowing what you want, of not pursuing goals, of not remaining independent.
Even if you’re in a very serious relationship, you must never lose track of your own self, of what you want in life.
This is why codependents always have trouble in relationships. They spend all their time and energy trying to please their partner instead of focusing on their own goals.
3. Drop the ‘fixing’ mindset. The ‘hero’ never wins.
I recently wrote an article for Borderlines who want to fix their relationships. Here is really the main point of that article so read on.
Often times when you break up, your Borderline ex may have told you dozens and dozens of things that you did wrong.
They throw all the blame onto you and take no responsibility for their own actions.
Well, as I said above, relationships take two to tango. Whether you admit it or not, you are 50% of the relationship.
Therefore, I always teach people to just accept that fact that no matter what happened, you are 50% responsible.
So when a Borderline starts to blame you for this and that, accusing you of things that are flat out wrong, just brush it off. Don’t get sucked into this drama.
One of the core beliefs you must have if you want to succeed in both relationships and life is to be comfortable in your own skin.
This also means that you must have 10 inches of thick, steel skin. Words and insults should bounce right off you and over your shoulder. You can’t be affected by the opinions and words of others.
When you begin to understand this mindset, you’ll see how powerful it really is. All of the most powerful people who have ever lived have had thick skin.
The opinions of others, even their romantic partners, just doesn’t change who they are. It doesn’t throw them off course.
When you get really strong like this, even the most wildest Borderline will have trouble pushing you away. Your attitude and behavior will be so powerful and attractive that leaving you is just too much a hassle for him or her.
This one core belief is just as important as leadership. It’s one of the major reasons why I have been able to have healthy relationships with Borderlines.
There are a number of core beliefs you need to have if you wish to succeed in relationships (and life). So start by developing this one now that you’re single and have the time.
4. Cutting off contact works.
It’s universally known that going ‘no contact’ does have it’s benefits. For most people, this is probably the best way to go because moving on and finding a partner who appreciates you is what I generally recommend.
I’ve never been one to recommend people to try to date their Borderline ex. One of my core beliefs is to be a forward-moving person.
Dating an ex is going backwards. So I generally tell people to not go after an ex. Or at least don’t pursue the idea. Don’t be trying to ‘text the romance back’ or anything like that. Just move forward.
With that said, I don’t flat out tell people to go full no contact. The only time I recommend full no contact is if you were in a very abusive relationship and you’re too blind to see it.
This generally happens more with women than men because women often times don’t see how poorly they were treated by their man. It usually takes a 3rd party, such as myself, to open their eyes and show them just how bad this man really was to them.
So for those situations, I want women to move on and forget about the ex. There’s plenty of normal, stable, attractive men out there who will appreciate you for who you are. Go out and find them. Let the abusive ex go.
Now with that said, I personally never go full no contact. But I also know how bad it can be if you try to get answers and figure out what happened and all that.
I’ve made mistakes in the past of writing letters, emails, long drawn out text messages and so on with hopes of trying to figure out why my exes stopped talking to me. Why they left me. Why they cheated. And so on.
Guess how many times this has actually gotten me the results I wanted?
Guess how many times I’ve seen this work for anyone else?
The fact is that this never works. You will never get the answers that you seek. Your ex will either ignore your messages or they’ll give you very vague answers.
If they’re actually nice, they’ll just tell you what you want to hear. But you’ll never hear the answer that you really want to hear. You’ll always end up feeling hurt no matter what.
So when you do break up, simply say something like ‘You do you. Take care!’ and let them go. This is the attitude you want to show this person when a break up happens.
The more you try to poke and prod and figure out what happened, the more you’ll make things worse for you.
It’s during this period where self-control matters most. Don’t fall into the temptation of sending out that late night text. If your BPD ex wants to hear from you, they will contact you.
This why you don’t have to go full no contact. You can just focus on your own life, doing your own thing, relearning yourself and if your ex contacts you out of the blue, you can talk.
21 days of self control. That’s the key.
5. It’s not about getting your borderline ex back.
This whole ‘get an ex back’ thing is one of the biggest scams to reach the web over the years. It’s up there with some of the dieting scams (Atkins) and those forex scams you find online.
But I get it. People with BPD are sexy, daring, risky, unpredictable and more – all the qualities of an attractive person. Wanting this person back makes sense.
The reason why the whole entire ‘get an ex back’ mindset is wrong is because if your ex left you, then it’s up to your ex if they want you back.
This idea that you can ‘text your ex back’ or do some other killer technique to make your BPD ex comeback is just bogus.
None of my articles or programs on my website are about ‘getting an ex back’. Sure I have articles that talk about the ex and address issues that people have when they break up, but I make no claims of techniques you can do to get that person back.
Anyone that does is just lying to you, trying to scam you.
As always, it comes down to your lifestyle, your mindsets, your beliefs, your attitude, your personality and your behavior.
If your Borderline ex wants to communicate with you, then they will. There’s nothing you can do on your end to make this happen other than to start living your life for YOU.
As I said earlier, people with BPD deep down want a partner who is independent and lives their own life. They do not want you taking on their responsibilities, as tempting as it may seem.
I think the reason I get a lot of positive testimonials is because I work hard to teach you how to build yourself into the individual that is strong enough for (most) Borderline relationships.
Does this mean that your Borderline ex will contact you again?
No, of course not. No one could ever guarantee that.
But if they check up on you weeks or months down the road and see that you’re this new, evolved, better person, will they want to get back with you?
You bet. I see it happen all the time.
The choice ultimately comes down to you. There’s millions of articles on the web with techniques and all that.
But if any of them were actually useful, you wouldn’t have the huge amounts of relationship failure that you’re seeing these days.
This is the first time in history where people are more confused, hurt, broken and in pain than ever before. No other time in history have relationships been as toxic as they are today.