As someone who has dated someone with BPD, and have several friends with BPD, I want to share some advice about what to do when your borderline ex stops communicating and cuts you off.
It’s a common question I receive from both men and women who are in relationships with people who have BPD.
Now, you don’t need to some communication or relationship “expert” to make these relationships succeed.
In fact, I would say it’s much better to be experienced than to be “smart”. This is true in the real world and it holds true for relationships as well.
Take a look at all these young kids coming out of college with degrees who have been babied throughout life. They’re smart kids.
But, these kids know nothing about how the real world works. They lack experience and usually end up are living at home into their mid-late 20’s because landing a job requires acing an interview.
The younger generation is having immense difficulty developing social skills, getting into relationships, communicating with others, and so on. Millenials and younger gen also suffer from high levels of depression.
Therefore, while this article is about bettering your communication with a Borderline, I’ll also try to change your mindsets and help you be more aware of what might be going on in your relationships.
Chances are, because I always write about BPD and Codependency, your relationship struggles are going to be related to the codependent mindset.
At the end of the day, most relationship problems stem from this unhealthy mentality. Think of codependency at the top of the pyramid with all your problems pouring down from it.
So, I always mention my free email guide which is about my previous codependent life and how it fugged up my first BPD relationship.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
Everything I write about on this website has some sort of root in the codependent mindset.
That’s how common it is. It’s responsible for most problems men and women encounter in relationships.
Now let’s dive into some communication problems you may be making in your BPD relationship.
1. Don’t get caught up in the rebound trap
When people break up, they usually try to fill in the emotional pain by finding someone else to temporarily fill the void.
This usually means going out to a bar, meeting a new guy or a girl for the first time, and sleeping with them.
Or they may have an old ex or a fling they’ve kept in touch with over the years for this very reason. You break up, you call up an old ex who is still “in love” with you, and hooking up is easy.
I constantly see people pointing their fingers at Borderlines for being promiscuous and talking to their exes.
But the truth of the matter is that most people do this. Most people who are good looking and charming and whatnot will go on the rebound and sleep around to fill the void.
It’s not just a BPD thing. As humans, we tie our own happiness with the pleasure we get. So when we’re hurt and beaten up, we often turn to somebody who will make us feel better.
If you’re social and good looking, it’s not going to be difficult to call up an old fling or go out with your friends on the town in search of a rebound.
The point to understand here is that whether your BPD ex does this or not doesn’t matter… They’re going to do what they want and there is nothing you can do about it.
What I want you to be aware of is whether your BPD ex starts to use you as a rebound. This is pretty common. Your ex might not be talking to at the moment, but who’s to say they won’t call you up in a week wanting to sleep with you?
Too often I see both men and women getting sucked into this. Their BPD ex calls him up wanting to ‘hang out’ and sleep together.
Then she disappears again right after.
This happens all the time. So what you must do is resist this moment. Don’t communicate that you’re so willing to take your ex back.
They’ll use you for sex just to fill the void. And then leave you again right after because they’re probably dating somebody else.
I see this happen all the time. This is what happens in the real world and most people do this.
So point #1: don’t fall into the rebound trap. Don’t let your ex have a way with your body so easily. Communicate that you’re not that easy, that they need to try a little harder than that.
2. Take this time to relearn who you are
The foundation of everything I teach is based on the truth that the more you know yourself, the more success you’ll find in all walks of life.
This is especially true when it comes to BPD relationships because people with BPD are really looking for a sort of ‘father figure’ in a sense.
This is due to their troubled upbringing and it’s not their fault. So you need to understand that who they are is simply due to factors out of their control when they were younger.
But this still doesn’t excuse their behavior when they are adults. As I teach in my Better BPD Relationships course, you and your partner need to take responsibility for the actions you two make.
Throwing around blame and pointing fingers does you no good. Even if your BPD partner has always blamed you for everything, don’t try to turn it around and throw blame back.
So during this time of break up when your ex isn’t communicating with you, take this valuable time to relearn who you are.
What are your goals for the next month? 3 months? 6 months? 12 months?
What hobbies have you been interested in but haven’t had the time to get involved with?
What is it that you really want in your life? Can you describe your ideal lifestyle down to the most specific details?
How do you see yourself in your ideal, perfect life?
If you can sit down and write at least 5 pages of what you want in life, your goals, your ideal lifestyle, then you’re on the right track.
This exercise is meant to get your mind back on the right track. A relationship with ups and downs can easily throw you off course if you don’t keep yourself in check.
A lot of people are worse off after they break up. And this is just bad. This is a result of not knowing what you want, of not pursuing goals, of not remaining independent.
Even if you’re in a very serious relationship, you must never lose track of your own self, of what you want in life.
This is why codependents always have trouble in relationships. They spend all their time and energy trying to please their partner instead of focusing on their own goals.
3. Drop the ‘fixing’ mindset. The ‘hero’ never wins.
I recently wrote an article for Borderlines who want to fix their relationships. Here is really the main point of that article so read on.
Often times when you break up, your Borderline ex may have told you dozens and dozens of things that you did wrong.
They throw all the blame onto you and take no responsibility for their own actions.
Well, as I said above, relationships take two to tango. Whether you admit it or not, you are 50% of the relationship.
Therefore, I always teach people to just accept that fact that no matter what happened, you are 50% responsible.
So when a Borderline starts to blame you for this and that, accusing you of things that are flat out wrong, just brush it off. Don’t get sucked into this drama.
One of the core beliefs you must have if you want to succeed in both relationships and life is to be comfortable in your own skin.
This also means that you must have 10 inches of thick, steel skin. Words and insults should bounce right off you and over your shoulder. You can’t be affected by the opinions and words of others.
When you begin to understand this mindset, you’ll see how powerful it really is. All of the most powerful people who have ever lived have had thick skin.
The opinions of others, even their romantic partners, just doesn’t change who they are. It doesn’t throw them off course.
When you get really strong like this, even the most wildest Borderline will have trouble pushing you away. Your attitude and behavior will be so powerful and attractive that leaving you is just too much a hassle for him or her.
This one core belief is just as important as leadership. It’s one of the major reasons why I have been able to have healthy relationships with Borderlines.
There are a number of core beliefs you need to have if you wish to succeed in relationships (and life). So start by developing this one now that you’re single and have the time.
4. Cutting off contact works.
It’s universally known that going ‘no contact’ does have it’s benefits. For most people, this is probably the best way to go because moving on and finding a partner who appreciates you is what I generally recommend.
I’ve never been one to recommend people to try to date their Borderline ex. One of my core beliefs is to be a forward-moving person.
Dating an ex is going backwards. So I generally tell people to not go after an ex. Or at least don’t pursue the idea. Don’t be trying to ‘text the romance back’ or anything like that. Just move forward.
With that said, I don’t flat out tell people to go full no contact. The only time I recommend full no contact is if you were in a very abusive relationship and you’re too blind to see it.
This generally happens more with women than men because women often times don’t see how poorly they were treated by their man. It usually takes a 3rd party, such as myself, to open their eyes and show them just how bad this man really was to them.
So for those situations, I want women to move on and forget about the ex. There’s plenty of normal, stable, attractive men out there who will appreciate you for who you are. Go out and find them. Let the abusive ex go.
Now with that said, I personally never go full no contact. But I also know how bad it can be if you try to get answers and figure out what happened and all that.
I’ve made mistakes in the past of writing letters, emails, long drawn out text messages and so on with hopes of trying to figure out why my exes stopped talking to me. Why they left me. Why they cheated. And so on.
Guess how many times this has actually gotten me the results I wanted?
Guess how many times I’ve seen this work for anyone else?
The fact is that this never works. You will never get the answers that you seek. Your ex will either ignore your messages or they’ll give you very vague answers.
If they’re actually nice, they’ll just tell you what you want to hear. But you’ll never hear the answer that you really want to hear. You’ll always end up feeling hurt no matter what.
So when you do break up, simply say something like ‘You do you. Take care!’ and let them go. This is the attitude you want to show this person when a break up happens.
The more you try to poke and prod and figure out what happened, the more you’ll make things worse for you.
It’s during this period where self-control matters most. Don’t fall into the temptation of sending out that late night text. If your BPD ex wants to hear from you, they will contact you.
This why you don’t have to go full no contact. You can just focus on your own life, doing your own thing, relearning yourself and if your ex contacts you out of the blue, you can talk.
21 days of self control. That’s the key.
5. It’s not about getting your borderline ex back.
This whole ‘get an ex back’ thing is one of the biggest scams to reach the web over the years. It’s up there with some of the dieting scams (Atkins) and those forex scams you find online.
But I get it. People with BPD are sexy, daring, risky, unpredictable and more – all the qualities of an attractive person. Wanting this person back makes sense.
The reason why the whole entire ‘get an ex back’ mindset is wrong is because if your ex left you, then it’s up to your ex if they want you back.
This idea that you can ‘text your ex back’ or do some other killer technique to make your BPD ex comeback is just bogus.
None of my articles or programs on my website are about ‘getting an ex back’. Sure I have articles that talk about the ex and address issues that people have when they break up, but I make no claims of techniques you can do to get that person back.
Anyone that does is just lying to you, trying to scam you.
As always, it comes down to your lifestyle, your mindsets, your beliefs, your attitude, your personality and your behavior.
If your Borderline ex wants to communicate with you, then they will. There’s nothing you can do on your end to make this happen other than to start living your life for YOU.
As I said earlier, people with BPD deep down want a partner who is independent and lives their own life. They do not want you taking on their responsibilities, as tempting as it may seem.
I think the reason I get a lot of positive testimonials is because I work hard to teach you how to build yourself into the individual that is strong enough for (most) Borderline relationships.
Does this mean that your Borderline ex will contact you again?
No, of course not. No one could ever guarantee that.
But if they check up on you weeks or months down the road and see that you’re this new, evolved, better person, will they want to get back with you?
You bet. I see it happen all the time.
The choice ultimately comes down to you. There’s millions of articles on the web with techniques and all that.
Interested in a relationship course? Check out my Better BPD Relationships course right here.
But if any of them were actually useful, you wouldn’t have the huge amounts of relationship failure that you’re seeing these days.
This is the first time in history where people are more confused, hurt, broken and in pain than ever before. No other time in history have relationships been as toxic as they are today.
I love your articles. I’ve written to you before. I believe my boyfriend and I both show strong BPD tendencies. Regarding this article: My boyfriend also comes off rather introverted. He’d rather be home then take me anywhere. I’m tired of this and had him move out because we don’t do anything and didnt even sleep together, though he was intimate periodically. We continue to meet for meals on our breaks and our intellectual and emotional bond is still strong. He is coming to my house next week to pick up some things and spend time he says. It totally sounds like a booty call. I want to lovingly tell him that I need more respect and though I’m attracted I don’t want the one way relationship anymore. I don’t want to fix him. I want to fix me and my ability to stand up for myself without pushing him away. Can you please address how people can change this poor habit in your next letter. It would follow this one great. Thanks again.
I’m wondering why you think it’s a booty call when you two weren’t having sex before?
Hey Rick, I went through a whole break up with a BPD, who was really my first for many things. Its been a month now, and I’ve had the luxury of being Heart broken from it. Im focusing on me, and growing everyday. It takes one step at a time. My scenario is this, my ex still has me on fb. She made a big deal about it, but she took down every photo of us, and still has me as a friend there. I unfollowed her, instead of unfriending her. But my question is, do you think its correct of me to do this? I should never want her back from how badly she treated me, and it was my codependency that spoiled her. I feel that I do not want her to have the satisfaction of seeing how I am doing, but I don’t want to seem so petty that I should delete her.
It’s not petty to delete her, in fact if you’re hurt by her you should block her. That sends a strong message, plus it keeps her less on your mind. It’s just what I recommend personally. It isn’t petty.
Darren Fearn says
my very abusive BPD ex has not contacted me for 2 years now. Not contacting her has kept me from pain and during this time I have been finding myself again.
Thanks for your wise words and real inner support.
Hey Rick. As always thank you for taking the time to write another article. I’m writing because i gained important insights when i ordered your CD 2 and a half years ago and I want to give back in a way.
I broke up with my BPD girlfriend about a month back (this is the 5th time or so). The difference each time is I am less confused with each break up, being more sure and convinced that I do not want to stay in a relationship with a person who is a)untruthful b) ungrateful.
Since then I’ve managed to tidy and clean up the house, get a stable timetable of things to do and do it and generally get more rest and sleep than I did while I was in the relationship over the last two and a half years.
My mindset now is simply this: A relationship takes 2 hands to clap and if one hand isn’t moving, you got to move on.
I think it’s very important to think ahead, plan ahead and be honest. If a person is firing all cylinders and their partner is unappreciative by their actions, then you better get out.
Staying on would mean you have no clue what you deserve and you would be pursuing a foolish endeavour.
I agree with your underlying message. We all have to take charge of our lives and constantly assess it.
If life isn’t what we want it to be, then we have to take actions to remedy it not complain about it. We must have the courage to remove what does not work and replace it with something that does. That said, I agree with you when you say that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to find our own strength through developing ourselves.
Thank you for that simple reminder yet again.
That’s why these relationships aren’t difficult. You just give as much as you receive. It takes two to tango. So if they aren’t giving a lot, then you don’t have to give a lot. You can’t give 90% and her 10%. It doesn’t work that way. No relationship works that way. All relationships need to be 50/50. Any time you try to do more, you end up pushing your partner away. It’s actually better to be doing LESS than doing more. But most people do the opposite, and thus fail.
Ty for your much needed blog on this subject. Ive been no contact by choice since the end of June. Borderline has tried to contact me several times. My bday is aug 5th. Im sure I will get a card or present. Preparing myself for that. I do love him but I love me more this time. I cant go back there.
Thanks so much for this article. I recently ended my relationship with my ex BPD girlfriend back in May. I just had enough of her accusing me of cheating, lying and just about everything else. We were engaged back in February and gave me the ring back couple weeks later only to steal it as she went back to a parole violation center. Our last email was back in June when I wrote her asking for the ring back. Here it is August first and she hasn’t contacted me in regards to giving it back. In Pa where we live if there’s no marriage then she has to return the ring. Anyways, I’ve decided to forget about getting it back because I’m just starting to feel good about myself and don’t want to see her. So, whether somehow we get back together in which I don’t see happening since she is right back with her ex. She is a very needy person and figured she would go back to one of her ex’s. I do wish her the best as I have moved on.
Why don’t you file a police report against her so she will return the ring?
M. Ivanovich says
What happens when you cheat on your BPD partner and she finds it out? I am in that situation at the moment. My BPD partner has found out that I have been cheating on her and she broke up every contact, even threatened to call police when I approached her recently.
Any suggestions? Experiences? Tips?
Uhhh I’m not sure. Probably move on. You cheated on her, trust is broken. RIP
Hey, thanks so much for this website. It’s very informative and needed Bc dating people with bpd is a little different… At least for me it has been like nothing ever before. A complete roller coaster and yet the only relationship I’ve ever had such a hard time letting go of. I feel deeply connected to my husband in every way, and I hurt constantly now that we are apart. I have refrained from contacting him for 3 weeks now. My birthday is day after tomorrow, and I’m sad knowing I won’t hear from him. Usually when he leaves me, he likes me to hurt as much as possible. I like the advice of being very strong in yourself so that when they leave or try to hurt you, it affects you less Bc you’re so independent. I think one problem we have is that we’ve always been very codependent to one another. And the stronger I am in myself, the less we fight. He even said the day he said he wanted a divorce and initiated no contact (left) that in the future I should learn to be more independent so I don’t put so much pressure on my partners shoulders. I don’t understand how if he is just as codependent as I had been in the relationship (if not more!) he can suddenly be fine with cutting me off. It is just weird… We really seemed to be doing fine, and he had even been trying to get me pregnant just a week before he left me!! Maybe there is someone else? Most likely an ex. He recycles them it seems. But he has never cheated on me since we’ve been married and he got sober… So I would be very hurt if he is doing that. This breakup seemed very out of the blue, apart from some stressful situations recently happening in our lives. After he left, he seemed very** angry at me?? And very cold! Then he started desperately trying to hang out with random people and posting lots on fb… This went on for about a week and a half, then I sent him one email asking when he was planning to file for divorce and if he could get me the title for the car I drive in his name, so I can tag it and make payments… Told him it was sad Bc our marriage was never hopeless and our problems were never for a lack of
Love between us… And that I loved him. Then he just stopped posting on fb from that day on after reading it. Has been MIA on all
Social media and mutual friends said they can’t get in touch with him… I don’t know if there was any connection there to my letter or not? Do you think? I’m worried he is in a depression or doing drugs again, but his mother wouldn’t even respond to me when I reached out a week ago to her. To just ask if he was ok… They’re hiding something. I suppose he could be confused but dating someone in the meantime, one of his exes again, and trying to keep it off social media Bc he doesn’t want to look like the “cheating husband” always has to be the “victim”. I noticed the ex he left me for last year after our child was born, has recently deleted her fb altogether which is VERY odd. Do you have any advice for me? I am hurting deeply but I am doing my best each day to care for our baby and DO ME. Should I continue no contact? I am driving around with an expired tag and the car will get repossessed if I can’t get the info to make the payment…. I am appalled he was able to run away and completely abandon us, ignoring reality like this when he has responsibilities now and people who rely on him. I remember when he left he made some comment about how “he has a fear of abandonment, and he knows he will be the one to leave us one day and break our hearts. So it’s better that he does it now so we can go find someone to give us perfect lives. That him and I both know who he is…” ?? I remember one of your articles said something so familiar about how they think like this!! I can’t help but keep thinking I responded in the wrong way and should have stayed calm and kept the communication going until he got out of that thinking again…. Anyway thank you for any advice. It is strongly needed at this time in my life.
Rick I am not judging you, but you wrote at the beginning of the article :”As someone who’s dating multiple women with BPD”…
Do you mean you are currently dating multiple Women with BPD at the same time?
That’s an error, I’m not dating multiple women. Fixed it. One is good for me :)
Hi, was wondering if I could get some help. A year ago my BPD BF of six years got drunk and choked me. I should have called 911 but didn’t. I gave him 6 months to go to AA or treatment. Nothing happened and so I made one last attempt with an intervention which was torpedoed by his mom. That’s when I gave up. He said he understood what I needed and wanted and said I was half the problem while he raged and stonewalled for a month. He immediately rebounded with a girl three states away and impulsively got plane tickets to go meet her. I was furious that while he said he needed a break he meant breakup. He told me that he would be “the one that got away”. I’m strong, independent, attractive, make good money and am the kind of woman he’s always wanted. She is the opposite. I filed a restraining order against him in part to end my suffering. Since then I contacted the woman’s friend on FB and warned her that he would lie and cheat on her etc, the judge denied restraining order despite a violent video of him and now his attorney is threatening me. Weird thing is that he came to a social function where he knew I would attend and was all dressed up and tried to talk to me. Since then I received that letter from his attorney. It’s been 4-5 months since our breakup. I realized only in the last month that we both have PD issues and he has BPD for sure. Given this horrible ending as a result of “I hate you don’t leave me” I Am having a hard time giving up the idea that things could change since I understand the dynamics now, am recovering from codependency and knowing that he’s in counseling. Am I stupid? I want to at least speak with him, how do I do that?? Create some situation where I run into him? He is just as terrified of me as I am of him? I sent him an email prior to the attorney letter that I had moved on, lied and said I met someone, said we needed to exchange our stuff. Meanwhile my parents are dumbfounded why I can’t get over him.. I’m more attractive make twice as much money have an advanced education, come from a much better family, he had no family support since they are u recovered alcoholics who want him to remain the way he is! I mean, he really thinks there is someone better who accepts his rages and drinking? I admired my part and told him in the beginning or our breakup. Am I crazy? How do u contact a BPD if you’ve pushed them away and it’s been mutual? Or should I?
The fact that you want to get back with an ex who physically abused you is disturbing. You need to worry about your own issues. This is just sad…
I read a lot of your articles and picked up on some of your beliefs/mindsets. I have put a lot of emphasis on texting in the past, more than is necessary. It was a needy codependent behavior that I have since fixed. Its funny cuz my girlfriend is used to me always texting her and she isnt much of a texter cuz shes with her fam a lot and is not big on it. We had a talk about it and I told her I accept the fact that she doesnt like to text much. Its no big deal cuz it doesnt really mean much. Anyways when I started to focus more on myself, I naturally didnt text as much for a couple weeks and the previous Sunday I got a long text at night. (We didnt text all day). Basically she was saying how she was…”checking my phone every 30 mins to see if you would text me but you never did. I know I wasnt big on it at first, im still not but I love texting you. But if you dont want to its fine. Im not mad im just saying. ” My reply was “I didnt want to bother you. I know your with your family and I respect your space to be with them.” That was an honest reply too. She went on to reply and say that I was never a bother and can always call or text whenever I want and would like to talk more. I know words arent always literal and they sometimes mean something else so can you help me out with this like what does she really want me to do? Lol. What type of answer would you give to her texts Rick? I wasnt playing the hot and cold game btw lol.
I know you dont value texting a lot Rick and I agree. Its just words with no effort. But sadly with busy lifestyles, its the norm for couples like me and her.
You don’t have to engage in it. That’s your own choice. And for the record, I text all the time. I have a lot of fun with it. The drama never happens for me over text because women know I won’t feed into it :)
The problem is when you use texting for serious conversations. Texting should always be light-hearted and fun. Like sexting. It shouldn’t be used for serious, deep conversations. Not ever.
My bpd ex is on the rebound. She blocked me from social media, but maintains ” friends” with my coworkers, some of MY friends and is following my friends and who I do business with. What does this mean? Will she come back to hoover or contact me in the future?
It doesn’t really matter. You shouldn’t be concerned with what she does. Just focus on yourself!
Hey Rick, I have a different situation. I have a gf who has had my child b4 this she fought so hard for me. Now we’re getting more and more faint. She’s never home with me she doesn’t come home until 9-11pm every night and when I hug or touch her while she’s sleep she pushes me away… I don’t understand.. Or know how to fix this… she has my son ya know…
Well, I would suggest that you stop trying to hug/touch her. You’re just pushing her away. What’s the deeper reason behind this? She’s just not turned on by you anymore. She doesn’t desire you. So you need to work on being a man that women desire. You’re in the type of situation where you’ll only see improvement when SHE starts trying to hug/touch you.
Thank you so much for your articles, I spent so much time researching on the subject and I only just came across your website!What a relief!All those other useless websites!
My ex bpd and I have kept in touch over the last few yrs since she decided to break up.During this time I have tried to go NC several times but I would always go back to her.
She never blocked me or anything and she always seemed pleased to hear from me again, saying she felt a special connection between us and felt at ease chatting with me about her stuff and only I could really understand her yadayadyada.She would try to flatter me in one way or an other to make me stay around.Unfortunately often her stories also included new guys that were trying to date her or similar situations or I would just feel she was treating me like the helpher in her life so I would go back to NC for my own sanity.
I think this going backwards and forwards has made me even weaker in her eyes though and I basically feel I have lost all credibility.
She now never has time to talk to me and has generally gone very cold now that I have last contacted her. I hate how weak she must see me now and I have a feeling she is not going to contact me anymore although she says she will when she has time.This situaton sucks.
Well it just sounds like she dictates all the conversations. She’s sitting here telling you stories about her dating life and such, but are you doing the same? Because from my experience, Borderlines must know that you’re a desirable individual if they’re going to be with you. They want to, understandably, know that you’re a catch. But if you never talk about your own life, they’ll just think you’re doing nothing with your life. And that’s unattractive.
Rick, when you say you don’t go full no contact, do you mean you don’t respond for a certain amount of time like I did for a number of days and then call her to let her know you are now available or do you mean block her for a certain amount of time and then unblock but do not call, or something else?
Blocking numbers is a little too far. By no contact, I simply just take care of my own needs. I don’t throw out calls or texts to women that wants space. So I just do what I want to do. My favorite saying is that if a girl seems like she needs space, give her the world. Most of you guys have lost sense of your own self. Which is why you have problems with your women. By taking this time to get back in touch with your own needs and wants, you’ll remember what it is that initially attracted your girl to you in the first place.
I am confused when you say to admit my part in it. Here is my siruation:
My wife of more than 17 years has filed for divorce and said ” I need to get on with my life.” To be clear, to my knowledge, she has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but since the mother of my oldest child is one and I have been studying it for years, I do recognize it and believe it is likely she has it too. She does fit every single trait of someone with PAPD, but whether or not it is BPD is still a question even though I have had two clinicians who have met her suggest it (to me).
I live my wife very much and although she does have an awful temper, is a compulsive liar and manipulative, she is not like that all the time and now that I have learned more about the disorder, I want to do whatever I can to help her.
I have accepted responsibility for many things for which I have been responsible (and even some for which I am not), but according to her I am responsible for EVERYTHING.
When she left me last year, she was wavering and was considering coming back after we went through counseling. Now she is saying I am too intense for her and that I abused her. I have never in any way abused her, but I do believe she abused me.
The biggest problem I see and the reason she has pushed farther back is her parents. Her parents also blame everyone for everything and even though they are the ones who caused her to be the way she is, she thinks they are the greatest people ever. I do understand why though. It is called Negative Love Syndrome. She is still seeking their approval.
I do not want to move on, but I really don’t see how she will come back because she is afraid to disappoint her parents.
As mentioned, I have accepted responsibility for a lot, but cannot for everything.
Accepting responsibility simply means to accept who you are and your own needs. Of course there are going to be things in the relationship that are not your fault. I’m not asking you to accept responsibility for those things. But it also does you no good to point fingers. For example, if a woman cheats, it’s simply because the man stopped being desirable to her. So it’s both the man and woman’s fault. Therefore, blaming each other doesn’t make sense. My advice is to just back off. She needs room to breathe. You’re too much in her space which is what she means by ‘too intense.’ It’s just that woman suck at verbally communicating their needs.
I have actually accepted responsibility and even though I know she has caused a lot of frustration, I do know there are some things I wish I could change. I am now (at 50 years old) seeking treatment for ADHD. I thought it just meant I had trouble paying attention, but I realize it is much more. When I get upset (even if it is for a legitimate reason), it is time to stand back because everyone will hear me. I also cannot stand in line and sit in traffic. That is what she means by too intense. I also get sucked into her projective identification. I still haven’t learned how not to do that.
This is just a guess, but I think the angry responses remind her of her father, who has an awful temper and I think there is some mis-placed anger. She is afraid to disappoint him, but thinks (or at least convinces herself) that he is the greatest man in the world.
I have also read that people with ADHD tend to attract Borderlines. Regardless, I still love her and want to save our relationship. At this point, the ship is sinking and I am trying to save it. We have already spent an incredible amount on attorney’s fees and no matter how nice I am to her, she is nasty and says “we are not friends”. Unfortunately, I am afraid the marriage will dissolve, as the attorneys are finalizing the paperwork and it will soon be entered into judgement.
We could always re-marry, but as mentioned, I believe she will sacrifice everything to please her parents even if what she wants is not what they want.
You don’t need ADHD treatment, you just need to learn how to meditate. I suggest you start going to some meditation classes and make it a habit. It will teach you to calm your mind and to enjoy the present moment. You’re too focused on the future.
We recently broke up and my ex girl who is bpd says she wants to be friends and move on.I told her I was good with that and just tell me you no longer love me and that will help me move on, since she asked what she could do. She won’t do it.
She is a wonderful complex woman that gets in these funks and I’m in the process of taking my power back.She has low self esteem and has anxiety and depression…I realised I was trying to fix her and get her back or fix us and it wasn’t working. I guess my question is as I move forward can I tell her I want to see her and be chill or do I just leave her completely alone and let her know that I want to see her when she’s in a good frame of mind
I was a little too pushy and needy on the past
The problem is that you’ve pushed her away by putting the responsibility of your own well-being on her shoulders. As you can see, that’s a massive responsibility that she can’t ever own up to and thus, she is gone.
I just posted in another article of yours but I beleive this one may be more appropriate:
Hi Rick, I admire the fact that you can see BPDs as real human beings as opposed to monsters that jaded people on forums make them out to be. My soon to be BPD ex wife and I went through an amicable divorce and once I was out of the house in my new apartment I realised how the failed relationship was just as much my fault due to me being a drunk A hole to deal with stress a lot of the times. I’m bettering myself like you have advised but unfortunately after my begging and pleading to reconcile and after telling her that I couldn’t just be friends before I really started working on myslef she changed her number. I obviously know where she works, lives, my sister works for her and she told me she asks her how I’m doing, etc. so I can obviously get a hold of her but there’s no way I’m going to be “that stalker guy”. Do you think no contact is the best way to go? Being my ex wife and having a mutual circle of people including her brother and I who are good friends I’m sure I’d hear from her again. I’d like to add that we did recycle once before we married. And once we divorced and I was out of the house she said that it didn’t have to be this way forever after I told her I wanted to reconcile, whatever that means.
Yeah no contact is usually best because it shows that you value her. It’s 2015, almost 2016. Let her take the initiative to talk to you and see how you’re doing. Then you can start something up from there.
Hey Rick. I just broke up recently with by bpd girlfriend. We have been in this relationship for 3 months now and we broke up almost 7 or 8 times. This time i decided i am not going back and won’t accept her if she comes back. The problem is we live together and we are on the same lease. We are also doing a business together (doesn’t require a lot of contact). I deleted and blocked her on all social media except for Imessage so that she can reach me in case we need to speak about anything business/roommate related. I went no contact and she complained that we don’t have to lose our friendship. At the time she was complaining about the friendship I was much better and already moved on so I decided to talk to her as a friend. I tried to sooth her since i knew her life is kinda miserable since the break up. She has her stuff in her car and crashing every night at a different friend’s place. I also know that she is sleeping with other guys but i really don’t care that much. I told her she is more than welcome to come back home instead of moving from one place to another and that i do not stay at home much anyway if that’s is her problem and that i don’t hold any grudges/negative feelings towards her. The reason I decided to talk to her as a friend is because we are living together/having a business together so i don’t want things to be awkward if we bump into each other at home. I also try to minimize my stay at home as much as i can. To conclude right after the break she told she wants to be friends and have no negative feelings for me. I decided to be friends. Last thing she said that she does have negative feelings towards me. What does she wants!
Well she doesn’t want you. Why are you moving in and starting a business with someone that you’ve only been with for 3 months? That’s just a really poor decision on your part. Over a 90 day period, you broke up 8 times? That means that once every 10 days, she’s tired of you. Not a good look.
Dave Smith says
Really good stuff here- thanks. However, I noticed you wrote: ‘If your borderline ex wants to hear from you they’ll contact you.’ Well, yippee! What children these people are. When they feel like doing something they’ll do it- everything has to be how they want to do it- I am SO tired of hearing that from people. Maybe the other person wants the BPD to hear from them- anyone ever think about that? Again, everything you have here is really good. I just get a bit perturbed when BPD folks and anyone dealing with them says, ‘that’s just how they are.’ No, it is how they choose to be- it is self-centered, selfish, rude, and childish- hence the lack of empathy and accountability BPD folks are able to show for how their actions impact the lives of others. When professionals giving advice respond with ‘that’s just how they are’ that only plays into the hands of BPD people everywhere. If we (nonBPD people) ever expect BPD people to change we (including professionals) must hold BPD people to a higher standard of accountability- like, being an adult, for example. Thanks- D.
Well yes of course — that’s why much of what I teach is about how to BE the type of person that holds them accountable, expects them to be ADULTS, lol. Dude, all of my training is about that. Teaching people how to not be needy, not be pushovers, not walk on eggshells, etc. You’ve got to be the bigger man and cannot be afraid to talk down to them when they’re behaving like children.
My ex gf has started talking to me again, since I’ve become a better person; going out with my friends, focusing on my appearance, new job, looking to move in to a better place etc. She spoke to me 2 months later after she told me she has been dating… Is this a good sign? Now she has engage me first can I make coversation with her more regularly now?
Yeah but she really needs to do 100% of the work to get you back. Don’t get in your old habits of pursuing her or anything which way too many people do. They think they can just go back to being their same selves, but that person got dumped so don’t do that! Make the ex WORK for you.
I was with my BPD girlfriend for 1,5 year, until she broke up with me later September this year.
A month before we were looking for a house and planning moving in together, and having a baby. Our relationship had always been beautifull and full of love. And we hadn’t have any big problems.
I knew about her condition but it really never showed it self. Not until we began looking for a house and planning our future.
Suddenly she wasn’t interested in showing affection and love, and when I told her how I loved her, she just said she didn’t know what to do with it. But said she still shoved me to.
Our sex life became less and less and we saw each other less and less.
We went on a vacation to mallorca in Spain and both hoped it would mend our relationship.
But it didn’t. She didn’t want intimacy spend most of the time just reading books by the pool. And when we went to bed, she was lying right on the edge with her back to me.
When I Confronted her with my feelings, she just became angry and said she already told me, that she thinks I’m pressing her. And that only pushed her further away.
When we came back from vacation, the next day she texted me she needed a break for the rest of the week.
When we came to Sunday, she texted me and said she thought we should end it all.
Didn’t see her for 2 months but texted her from time to time. But it always ended up with her being made.
Amonth after she left, I thought of giving her space and didn’t contact her. Maybe that could help.
A month later she sudden texted me asking about her act. She needed it, and if I could come by with it.
I did. It was weid and uncomfortable. She was stone cold and didn’t really want to talk with me.
But I did get to see her daughter again and have 40 good minutes with her. It was heaven.
When I left, I asked my ex if she wanted to go out and do something someday. Just as friends.
She said, she didn’t know. Not really. Not now. Not when things were as they were.
A week later I found out she is dating another guy. And been doing it for quite a while. Probably a month after we split up.
She found out I was in a single group on Facebook, which she always was in..and got really made about it, coz now she felt she could write openly anymore. And if I didn’t leave the group she would block me.
So it ended up with me blocking her, coz I didn’t want her to control what I can and can’t do.
Now I’m actually quite afraid that she never want to talk to me again and hates me.
I really want to talk to her again and I really want her back. But I also know it probably won’t happen.
I love her dearly and think about her all the time, even though she treated me like crap.
I know a lot about BPD after reading about it and I know what I’m going in to, if she should come back – which she won’t. But I’m ready to deal with it.
I’m so scared she’s going to get pregnant with this new guy, coz she really want another baby. And I dream of me being the father.
What should I do with this girl, these feelings I’m having and dreams of having a future with her?
Does she really hate me and don’t wanna talk to me, or is there a chance I might hear from her again if I don’t text her first?
Yeah she was dating that guy before you went on the Spain trip. That’s why she was so cold towards you, she knew she didn’t love you anymore but wanted the free trip anyway, lol. Fucked up on her part but it is what it is. And most women aren’t going to turn down a trip to Spain! lol. Whenever a girl goes cold like that for an extended period of time, it means she’s seeing a new man. A woman always has love to give. If she’s not giving it to you, then someone else is getting it. She’s not “single and being independent” that’s just a lie women say when they’re being unfaithful :)
Fred 2016 says
I see you have not posted for a while but in case you are still around how do you view this point; My now bpd ex went out and had sex with a man she didn’t have any feelings for. He was fat, ugly and rarely showered while she is physically beautiful – and she has admitted she had no feelings for him. The last time she had sex with me was the night of our engagement then nothing! It could be she had no physical desire for me and just wanted a wedding however it has been voiced that the commitment I showed her triggered something in her. The theory being that to her sex has always been a transaction (she gives something to get something) however once I showed commitment she could not separate her love for me from the sex. I had a warning about this when we first had sex. I called it making love and she snapped at me “if you call it that again you won’t get any”. Do you think it is possible she could have felt this way or am I just clinging to anything to convince myself she really did love me?
Well I write an email almost every single day so you should get on my email newsletter if you want to see my daily advice. But still I’ve posted 3 new articles to the website in the past month. Anyway, you are not in a marriage — you’re in a friendship. Tell her that you’re just going to start dating new women if she isn’t going to sex with her HUSBAND.
Hi Rick, after reading your blog I suspect my ex is bpd and her best friend that knows her since she was a child says she is. She always treats me like shit, she gets angry at the dumbest things, like last year on my birthday my friends smoked me up after 4 years of not smoking weed she got angry and left. On New Years she just got angry and left I have no idea why. This summer. She was out with friends and called me at 5am and I just ignored her call and a billion texts for me to drive down town to pick her up. The next day she texted me we over. Then she apologized then the next day she was out with friends called me to hang out and was all over a different guy I was like let’s go home she freaked out on me. I forgave her then the next day she kept starting fights with me and for the first time in 3 years I flipped out on her like I yelled at her then she stopped talking to me and I keep apologizing to her and she just won’t talk to me. I know she loves me she told me everyday and I love her so much it’s so hard to move on. I sometimes can’t stop texting her she just says she can’t trust me any more not sure why I never cheated or did anything to her. She had gotten distant before but this time I feel because I yelled at her I fucked up and its so painful. Because I never met a person like her and o want to learn how to deal with her so when she does come back I won’t end up broken again
Great read. My BPD ex and I work together. After she had broken up with me she had continuously been texting and contacting me when I made it clear that I did not want to speak. I was very short and remained as professional as possible to avoid conflict. After about a week of not hearing from her, she had texted me to say that she was seeing someone else at work. At that point I responded by wishing her well and the best of luck and thanked her for the closure. She then followed up the following week with a text concerning work. Am I handling this the right way? I haven’t heard from her in about a week. I’m hoping she is done. I’d rather just not hear from her so I can move on.
You definitely handled it right, and lo and behold she hits you up. She’s probably not feeling her new relationship anymore. Thus, she’s checking back in with you. Typical girls lol
Naiyin Tan says
My BPD girlfriend(fiancee) aborted the baby and cut me off.
She posted on the social network told everyone that I hit her and angry with her all the time. She even posted the love letter I wrote to her, said she can’t forgive me.
However, I only pushed her head after she thrown the milk all over in my car. I didn’t really hit her.
She said the surgery took 5 hours, she was very painful and she is tired, she doesn’t want to see me anymore.
I think she blames all those pain and the surgery to me, she thinks that was all my fault.
However, it was not, I wanted to marry her to keep the baby.
Now she cuts me off and keep silence.
She said she broke up with me and move to somewhere else.
What should I do? I still love her, I didn’t know she is BPD before.
What should I do with all her stuff?
What should I do with the engament ring?
Why she doesn’t return the ring to me, is she waiting me to ask the ring back? but she cut me off, I have no way to contact her.
Well that ring is a gift so you will never get it back. I would avoid this one since her vagina is going to be ruined from the abortion and you’ll never be able to trust her again. Just move on and find a girl who actually appreciates you.
I’ve enjoyed your articles and have found them helpful. I am struggling with a long winded break up with a BPD ex. There was a huge falling out around our relationship (which would’ve be deemed inappropriate by many). Further, the nature of the fallout, or rather the issue behind it, is serious and would cause even the strongest of bonds to be broken.
In an effort to not have things end poorly I did reach out to her about 3 mos. after our fallout and tried for roughly 9 mos. to reconcile. I was respectful of need for space, but perhaps not so much time. Bottom line, she was distant towards me (wouldn’t initiate anything) but available if I reached out. Further, if I tried to bring closure and say goodbye, it was met with annoyance and a very muddled and confused wording of “not having anything more to give, but let me know if you need me to help you with dealing with this.”
Anyway it’s been 7 mos since we last spoke, I’ve shut down my main method of contacting her so I could save myself from myself, and, most recently, unfriended her on facebook. While I didn’t go on often, I did log on recently and the very first update on my timeline was one of hers….it was a bit much and caused me to spiral mentally to a really really bad place (there is a lot of guilt and remorse built up around our split).
Was this additional layer of separation (facebook) the right choice or just petty?
Rick, I’ve already accidentally sent the long emails and messages and the result was my bpd friend blocked me and I literally have no way to contact her except go to her home. I’m afraid she will see this act as me trespassing on her safe space and attack me or hate me even more. How do I get her back?
You need to give her a lot of space for now. The letters and such just pushes them away even more (because it’s a very weak/beta male thing to do). So just don’t contact her. Your only hope is that she someday reaches out to you. In the meantime, meet new women!
I was loving one girl but she not loving me back sometime she text me nicely like she loving me on next day she starts ignoring me..i am bit curious started own research on her after observing her i got that she having BPD because of her past now what i want i need to save her, she blocked me everywhere how to communicate
Really I need to save her i want to give her beautiful life please help me…
Sorry bro but you can’t save people. If she wanted a beautiful life, then she’d be working hard to get it. Change your mindsets my friend.
I finally finished with bpd ex girlfriend , after 2 years of bullshit
Texting other men , push pull tactics , classic manipulation
Every single thing you read about them she done lol , I blocked her ? and can’t stand this bitch , got her arrested for threating to Stab me and my family , damaging my car and cutting up my clothes
She is proper psycho Slut ,
We split 10 times and always got back together and knew it was doomed , never again
Not a bad looking bird but getting old and wrinkly so even her slutty looks and big tits won’t work for ever to seduce men
I kinda feel sorry for her but she knows what she is doing and plays the game very well , last text I told her she will never be happy and no sane man will tolerate her crap , I did like a mug but no more , I never knew about bpd and wow what a rollercoaster ride of terror I have now stopped riding , she was good obviously in between but it’s no life constantly being accused of cheating and flirting when it was her all the time , she may have cheated and I don’t even give a shit ,I caught her on a secret phone and that was final straw , nail in the coffin , even when I had black and white evidence she still wiggled out of it
Actual joke , she banged on and on about how she hated porn but her google history told a very different picture lol , true what you say you can never change them ever , she done classes and on meds and was better but still a life of secrets and the unknown
I am worth so much more , I feel sorry for the next 10 blokes she will tear through for free drinks and meals without a
Thankyou , until you have experienced it personally no one will get it , the stuff she said in anger about me my mates and family I never forgive and will not entertain a women like that ever again , I am talking about my experience with this horrible human being , hopefully others with the condition ain’t nothing as bad as her but in my opinion she is evil sorry but unless u was in my shoes u have no idea , she will have a shit life and the poor mug who’s fucking it will too
No decent man deserves that shit but it is what it is , I have moved on, am happy and looking forward to meeting nice normal women and being able to enjoy life , holidays and concerts without getting a load of crap
God bless to any man or women in the same boat , trust me the grass is greener , don’t put up with that , you are worth more
Why did you get back with her 2 times let alone 10?
This is why you guys need my training — you talk about the woman being a “crazy BPD” yet you get back with her 10 times. Say whaaaaaat? The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again hoping for a different result. So, based on that definition, you are just as insane as your girlfriend. Sucks to hear, but I’m trying to open up your mind here. You need a shift in mentality.
Understand: BPD individuals because puddy in your hand when they realize you won’t put up with their B.S. You got to tame them at the early stages of the relationship or else you’re doomed.
BRUCE FAMIGLIO says
People with Borderline Personality Disorder have mastered the art of manipulation by pulling the wool over your eyes. Period. Its next to impossible to be in a relationship with one. If the wind blows the wrong way its your fault. I have a ex-wife who was diagnosed with BPD 15 years ago. Its based on the fear abandonment. Fairly complex issue. I have belonged to at least a half a dozen on line support groups and 15 plus years of reading, studying and therapy. It has taken the joy out of my life. However, its all worth it as I believe my daughters finally understand the sickness. I spend those years studying and researching to minimize the fallout to them. They have witnessed her unstable relationships, explosive anger, drinking just to name a few. If you have no obligation such as kids, count your blessings and get out and don’t turn back.
Well why do you think I teach this stuff? When you learn my stuff, the manipulation becomes incredibly obvious. It’s laughable most of the time because it’s funny! You see right through it and it makes you laugh, and your crazy partner will actually respect you more (which will lead to more sex and happiness on her part). Hence why these relationships are much easier to manage after my training.
All these BPD’s I’ve dated over the years have ALL told me that “I’m the only guy who calls her out on her bullshit.” That’s what they have all told me many times. It’s no surprise that sex would often follow that statement. It’s as if calling her out was a major turn on…
And it’s not like they say this after a fight. They’ll just randomly tell me later on. We could be sitting down cuddling or at the grocery store or whatever and she’ll just cuddle up to me and say “You’re the only guy who calls me out. Sorry for being crazy” and I’m like “It’s what you need.” lol
And yeah, maybe your partner is also a psychopath/sociopath so a relationship just isn’t possible. That’s okay. It’s really easy to make this distinction when you know their games and manipulation and tactics they try to pull on you.
The sooner you can see through it all, the sooner you can handle it correctly and steer the relationship in the right direction. That’s what I’ve been teaching successfully for many years now.
Hello, my now ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago completely out of the blue. The day before he loved me and was talking about talking to his boss about working remotely so he could go to grad school with me. The next day he dumped me and was very cruel towards me. He ghosted me since but has picked up twice when I’ve called but he’s been angry and wouldn’t explain why he left.
I don’t suspect another girl as he was with me during almost all of his free time. He’s not diagnose BPD but he has serious emotional outbursts and mood swings and he did have abusive parents. Like a week before the break up we were in the car and he got so upset about one small thing I said that he started this weird crying screaming act and made me pull over my car so he could get out and “walk home.”
I am diagnosed codependent, but he says the reason he left was because he didn’t think I cared at all about him, after a small argument we had the day before. The next time I called he said he never loved me and he’s done and wanted a clean break. I really love him and want to work things out but I’m not sure how to. I don’t want to be pushy, should I stop trying to contact him or should I try to send sweet messages every once in awhile to tell him I care?
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Any man who cries and screams shouldn’t be in a relationship. Are you enjoying being his mother? What he needs is serious help. He does NOT need a girlfriend. Stop trying to be his savior because you can’t. If you do what I teach and yet your partner STILL isn’t improving, then the problem is with HIM and not you.
Went to counseling after several break ups over 11 years with a bpd bf. Counseling was hard to go to because of my busy schedule the facility placing our appointments last to be scheduled and the bpd ex bf constantly sabotaging the appointments with anger not doing exercises or child like behavior. I did not do well in handling the bpd behavior because after the second year of it without progress and the worst things happening imaginable it takes its toll physically and emotionally. The counselor seen off and on for less than eight months never gave them their diagnosis or was able to make a break through and I only added to the abandonment meant feelings that trigger the lies more so because I simply can not take anyone calling me fiancé at funerals when we are not near there yet demanding to move in with me and then wanting to keep their man cave home on the side. But can a bpd person ever progress if no one ever tells them the diagnosis to get the treatment they are going to be in denial about anyways including I never told them not wanting the backlash?
It doesn’t matter if your partner is BPD or not. This is such a hard concept for newbies to understand. But the fact is that I’ve dated several women with BPD without issue. How do I do this? Because I’m my own person. I don’t need anyone else in my life to make me happier or be more enjoyable or whatever. I’m perfectly fine on my own. When a woman enters my life, she learns pretty quickly that I don’t need her. So guess what happens the minute there’s a fight or any drama? I’m out. I back away. I don’t have time for that and don’t need it in my life. If she has an issue, she can bring it to me in a constructive manner. I always make sure women I date know this about me on date #1. They probably don’t believe it at first since actions are more powerful than words, but she eventually learns that I’m true to my words.
Once a person believes that you are who you say you are, the drama comes to an end. Your position of leadership has now been established and she can’t help but think about you day and night.
This is how I am because of years of work to becoming a high quality individual. Once the woman can see that I truly don’t need her around, that it’s a PRIVILEGE for her to be in my life, her behavior CHANGES practically overnight.
Looking for some thoughts and/or advice. I’ve been married to a BPD women for a few years. She pursued me and pushed to get married.
A few months back, she started an affair with a guy that she hangs out at the bar with. Total loser, rents a room from someone, gets drunk and smokes weed everyday, and doesn’t have two nickels to rub together. They moved in together about 30 days after the affair started.
She text me everyday, multiple times and tries to call me. She has told me three times over the last four weeks that she told her new guy to move out and gives him a few days to find somewhere else. Each time on the last day, she changes her mind and allows him to stay. On the last attempt (last week) she asked if I be willing to go to couples marriage counseling. She seems really confused.
My question is Why does she continue to text me everyday, throughout the day?
Because she knows you’re a chump who will sit there and respond and talk to her about her problems while she’s sucking that guy’s dick lol. You’ve got a lot to learn buddy
Wow so true. Dated a girl who I believe has BPD for only 4 months. Loved her more than anygirl I have before but I didnt let her walk over me. After suspecting she was cheating on me with a few different guys for many reasons. I sent her a long message thanking her for being such a wonderful girlfriend and being so loyal, faithful etc.. LOL.
Took her few hours to reply and she just said thanks that was random but very nice. We FaceTime later that night she started crying during the call for no reason.
I went over and saw her and she didn’t tell me the reason why she was crying. I looked her in the face and said if you’re cheating on me just tell me so I can move on. She got upset I said that and said it was family issue LOL. Next morning I was blocked on all social media ghosted. BPD people are something else I see so many people post how to get one back. I understand because the amazing love they gave you but come on guys it’s fake why not find someone better.. thanks for all you do Rick!