Ladies, ladies, ladies. You find yourself with an asshole of a boyfriend. And somehow, you stumbled onto my little blog in the corner of the internet.
May God help your soul.
Because I definitely cannot. But, I can give you some advice that I’ve learned over the years having been that asshole in previous relationships.
1. Men Are Assholes, Women Are Bitches
It’s easy to point your finger at us men for being assholes, but let’s be honest: you can be a real bitch at times, too. But I’ll take your side here and admit that you being a bitch doesn’t give me an excuse to be an asshole to you. Of course it doesn’t.
But, sometimes a bitch needs to be put in her place. Or yelled at because it’s fun. And feels good.
It’s not mature at all and I know that. But sometimes us men just want to lash out and make you feel like a piece of shit. You hurt my male ego! I must let you know that you’re a bitch! Even if it means I’ll be sleeping somewhere else tonight.
Now to you ladies out there who are genuinely good to your asshole boyfriend all the time, but he still treats you like shit:
You need to drop kick him.
And by drop kick him, I mean mentally of course. Unless you are physically capable of drop kicking him. Then by all means do it. And film it as well because that is something I’d love to see.
But yes, you need to pull up your thong and cut this guy out of your life. It’s time to move on. He’s only going to get worse as he gets older since the male ego becomes fragile as he ages.
You’re in for a world of hurt, honey. Do you really want to spend your precious time on this dying planet pursuing an asshole of a man?
Why am I even telling you this? Of course you will. That’s what women do. They love pursuing their dead beat boyfriends who bring absolutely nothing to the relationship.
2. Go After His Fragile Ego
Remember above how I mentioned something about his fragile ego? Attack it! He’s an asshole so he deserves it. And, nothing hurts a man more than going after his little ego.
It’s actually a good test as well. The men who are actually decent in the world don’t have a big ego. If you try attacking it, they’ll either shrug it off, laugh at you, or leave you.
But if they get angry and heated, keep going girl. Get him fired up. It’s kinda hot, too. Might turn you on (which is a different issue you might want to seek help with).
Kidding. It’s hot. Unless he actually gets so mad that he wants to hurt you. Then you’re dealing with an actual psycho and you need to get the hell out of that relationship.
But, it’s a good idea to go after his ego from time to time. Test his strength. You’re a woman, I know you know how to do this. It’s how you ladies fight. You test us men to see what we’re made of.
It’s also a great way to reveal any hidden insecurities we might be keeping from you. A lot of men will bury certain sides of them because they know that you’ll run for the hills once you find out.
Only the crazy women stick around once they find out about their man’s deepest, darkest secrets.
“Yes babe, I have a kid but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to scare you…”
Sure, buddy. If she buy’s that, she deserves all the trouble you’ll bring her down the road.
3. Tell Him He Sucks In Bed
Before you dump your asshole boyfriend for good, you need to make sure that you tell him how much he sucks in bed. This is another great way to hurt his ego.
Tell him that you can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm. He’ll argue back saying how he got you off just the other night. That’s when you return the fire by saying, “Oh god Kyle, I’ve been faking it for years. I’m REALLY good at faking it with you!”
If only I could be there to see how heated he gets in this moment. If only… (film it and send it to me).
For an added bonus, tell him he has a weird looking penis. That’s another good one that will knock his ego a bit. Sure, you might feel like a bitch for doing this, but he’s an asshole boyfriend and he needs a reality check.
Plus, after all this time of yours that he’s wasted, you need to get out of the relationship letting him know that he’s a piece of garbage who doesn’t deserve you.
He might say something like “Yeah well I’ve been cheating on you for months!”
This is when you laugh and follow it up by saying, “I’m so sure Kyle, you can barely get it up anymore so I know you’re having no luck with any woman out there. Now get lost!”
4. Don’t Reply To Social Media Messages
You’ll know he’s desperate when he starts sending you messaged on Instagram trying to get you back into his life. Or at least trying to trigger you again.
Assholes will send messages to try to manipulate you because their fragile ego’s need to win. They feel like the door is always open because you left him and “won.”
So, he might send some nasty message, or bring up some bullshit just to get a reaction out of you. If you reply to his message, he will smile like the asshole that he is and feel victory.
Don’t give him that!
Instead, no matter what he says, just “like” his message. On Instagram, you can double click the message and “like” it. It will notify him that all he got out of you was a “like.”
This is hilarious! It will trigger him some more and he’ll double down on his bullshit. The asshole boyfriend hates to feel disrespected like this. How dare you not respond! Only a like? Blasphemy!
I learned this from several of my girl friends. They get these asshole exboyfriends who message them on social media and they always “like” the message. It triggers that man and causes him to rage. It never gets old!
So I hope you enjoy these tips my lady friends.
Don’t be afraid to drop kick your asshole boyfriends and move on to better pastures.