It’s been a hectic past couple of weeks for me. With the launch of my new BPD Relationship Blueprint program, I’ve been dedicating a lot of time to answering emails and coaching.
Which brings us to this topic that I’m writing about today: Sex Addiction.
A lot of people put too much emphasis on sex. They make it too important in their lives. And it creates problems.
I’ve been there. Sex used to be all I wanted because I was denied sex throughout high school and most of college. And thus I developed an addiction to porn.
I was a virgin until I was 21 and even then, most of my early sexual encounters were lucky and are nothing I’m proud of.
Sex addictions became such a huge part of my mentality. I wanted it badly. When I met women, all I could think about was how to get her in my bed. Shallow as hell.
Which is funny because I come from a very conservative home.
Suppressing Your Sexual Needs
I was taught by my parents to be nice and wait until I’m married before having sex. That’s the mentality I grew up with.
That’s fine for my mother to give me that knowledge. I respect that because she is just doing what’s best for me.
But where the real fail exists is with my father. He has not once ever discussed sex with me. Ever. Not one time.
He was just a major pussy and never had “the talk” with any of his kids.
This is something that I highly disagree with as I believe the more open parents are about sex, the more that teenagers can grow up with positive mindsets on the subject.
I am a man with a high sex drive. Because my father never taught me anything about sex, I learned about it from friends and other forces – such as porn.
As a result, my mentality that I grew up with was one of sex being this taboo subject, something that should be suppressed.
As a result, I never learned to be a truly sexual human-being. I basically believed that it is wrong to be sexual.
This belief is 100% unhealthy. Humans are sexual beings. It is perfectly okay to be sexual.
Basically every single person enjoys sex. And there is nothing wrong with that.
You always hear the stories about girls who come from those all girls’ schools.
How they are crazy and highly sexual when they get thrown into the real world.
Well, the reason for this is similar to my upbringing. We’re sexual beings. Suppressing our needs for physical intimacy only makes us want to experience it more and more. The classic “we want what we can’t have” rule.
I commonly coach men who are virgins heading into their late 20’s. These men have placed so much pressure on themselves to get laid that it makes it even harder for them to do so.
And 9 out of 10 times, these are men coming from conservative backgrounds where they were taught to not be sexually expressive.
As a result, these men have social problems because all they can think about is finding a woman to sleep with.
They spend the majority of their time learning ‘game’ and techniques and routines online with the hopes that they’ll be able to manipulate a woman into bed with them.
And it’s really bad. It makes for a very low quality lifestyle.
You’re a virgin yet you’re addicted to the idea of sex. And when you finally do get laid, it doesn’t really make a big difference in your life.
You really don’t feel any better because you most likely got it in a low quality way. And deep down you know this.
Using Sex To Keep a Partner
Let’s move on to those of you that are in sexual relationships.
I often get emails from people who are in a relationship where the sex life is great – at least that’s what they tell me.
However, outside of the bedroom there are problems.
It seems that the only good times happen in the bedroom. And because so little of a day is spent in the bedroom, the rest of the relationship has issues.
A mistake that people often make is to try to use “great” sex as a way to keep their partner “hooked” on the relationship.
The rest of the relationship sucks, so might as well try to be great in bed to keep that person around.
It never works though because your mindset is one of taking instead of giving – even if you’re physically giving pleasure.
This is something that you’ll commonly find that insecure men and women do. They work at becoming “rockstars” in the bedroom.
“If I can just give her an amazing sexual experience, she’ll eventually love me and stick around.”
That’s usually the thought process that guys have. And it’s a very toxic mindset.
You’re addicted to the idea that giving someone earth-shattering orgasms is the glue that will hold the relationship together. That your partner will want to keep being with you.
But to this day, in all of my dating and coaching experience, I’ve never heard of a relationship staying together simply because the sex was good.
If two people stay together simply because of the sex, it isn’t a relationship – it’s just a friends with benefits situation. There’s no real relationship there at all. No love. Just intimacy.
The problem is that people use sex to mask the problems of the relationship. Both partners are taking value instead of giving value.
Sex Is Only a Small Part of the Day
Whether your sexual encounters last 20 minutes or 2 hours, this is still a very small part of the day. There are many more hours spent outside of the bedroom.
One of my favorite quotes from the show Californication is this:
“No amount of top-shelf pussy can compete with the love of a great woman.” – Hank Moody (main character)
Without a doubt one of my favorite quotes ever. Because it is so very true.
So to believe that the time you spend in the bedroom will improve the relationship is just a big fallacy. It just doesn’t work that way.
This is why one of my biggest core mindsets that I teach my clients is to stop making sex such a big deal in your head.
If your wife isn’t sleeping with you, the reasons lie outside of the bedroom.
It’s your job to figure out why this is. It’s not your job to try to get her horny or thinking that you can bring the passion back by being a sexual rock star. It just doesn’t work that way.
If your partner has BPD, then there’s a major chance that they see sex in a completely different view.
There’s a reason I like to talk about sex with the women I date very early on. I like to learn the history of my partners, what their views on sex are, what they like, don’t like, etc.
This tells me a bit about their past. It gives me an insight into her mind, to see how she really feels about it. And it shows that I’m a sexual man and not afraid to hide it.
It amazes me that some people can be married for 30+ years and still not know the deepest, darkest secrets of their partners.
And you wonder why people have relationship problems.
When Porn Becomes Too Much
I could write an entire series of articles on the problems of porn, but here’s what you need to know:
Anything can become an addiction, including pornography.
Men that often find themselves addicted to porn have many relationship problems in their lives.
Especially if you had an addiction as a teenager.
The problem with porn is that it really fucks you up mentally – especially if your programming is already poor.
Most men that I talk to that have trouble with meeting women and developing an intimate relationship usually have some sort of porn addiction.
Porn makes it easy for you to be lazy. It makes it easy to fulfill your needs just like many other things in this “fast-food society” of ours.
Porn plays a big roll in giving you that easy way out. It only enforces your fears because you can always back out of meeting people and just go home to your porn.
On a deeper level, an addiction to porn warps your view of women in general. It reinforces your fears of women and intimacy in general.
Your sexual fantasies only get more and more entrenched the more you watch porn.
And if you’ve been a porn watcher for many years, then I’m sure you know how your fantasies can get more and more intense.
Remember that success in life is about consistency and hard work. Porn makes it easy for you to get sex in an easy way (even though you’re not actually having sex).
Some people like to make the argument that porn can be healthy.
But believe me, most people need to stay away from it – especially men.
Make it a goal of yours to completely remove porn from your life.
I know from personal experience that when I bring porn back into my life, I just start to feel shitty in general. My overall vibe and energy is poor and I feel depressed.
But when I eliminate porn from my life, after a week or so I’m back to my positive, energetic state.
This is why I eliminated porn out of my life. I had an addiction as a teenager and it warped my mind, as it has done to millions of others.
You’re welcome to masturbate whenever you want. I think masturbation is good.
However, when you throw the visual stimulation of people having sex, that’s where the problems develop.
I am a big fan of visualization. And if you want to close your eyes and visualize yourself being an awesome man and having a sexual encounter with a woman you like, then by all means go for it.
But when you sit there with your eyes open and watch two porn stars get it on, you’re filling your brain with horrible programming.
Mistaking Sex for Love
Another big mistake that people with an addiction to sex have – they feel that because they are having sex with someone, that person must really like them.
Even love them.
But this just isn’t the case at all. I’m sure you’ve experienced this before.
You’re having a hot passionate session. Your partner is even saying that they love you and you’re so amazing.
The next day, the person is gone and you don’t hear from them at all.
Confusing as all hell if you mistake sex for feelings of love.
Understand: most healthy people that have sex don’t use it as a way to get love. This is a mistake that Codependents and others who don’t have emotional control make.
Instead, being sexually healthy is about giving value.
This universal law holds true in all walks of life: the more value you give, the more you receive in return.
Now when two people are truly in love and giving pleasure instead of taking, sex gets to that rare level that most people will never experience in life.
It becomes passionate and much more than just getting it on. It’s where that true, deep connection occurs. And it’s noticeable outside the bedroom.
But most people never get to this level of connection. Even if you think your sex life is great, the fact that problems remain outside of the bedroom speak otherwise.
That BPD you were sleeping with giving you all that intense passion and sex wasn’t love. They do that because they want you to think it’s love.
And they also know that you’re a taker. Because they are as well. It’s a mutual attraction, an unhealthy one at that.
People that can’t last long in bed struggle with this because they’re takers. Even though they want to last longer, they don’t know how because their mindsets are completely off.
Premature ejaculation is a direct result of an addiction to sex. You’re so heavily tuned into yourself and your own needs that you can’t help but pressure yourself to perform and thus you bust quick.
This is why a lot of my training is focused around developing this strong, inner core.
Without a strong inner core, your relationships will continue to struggle.
You’ll walk on eggshells. Your sex life will suffer. You’ll be addicted to trying to please your partner in hopes that they’ll love you.
And that right there is the problem.
So the key to relationship success will always be having that strong, inner core.
That’s why a lot of my BPD Relationship Blueprint is focused on this development.
So if you want to develop your inner core and learn how to kick ass in relationships, then check my program out:
Thanks for reading.
– Rick Reynolds