What follows is a quick interview I had with a borderline woman.
There is an incredible amount of gold to be gained from this interview. Many of the things I’ve been teaching for years are confirmed by her. You’ll see how her boyfriend naturally behaves in the manner that I coach.
I won’t say much more about this because I want you to read it and pick up on these things for yourself.
Woman: Hi, my name is _____. I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar II. Not as in I have both, but as in two different doctors thought it was something else.
I lean towards BPD. I never had DBT because, although I went to therapy took meds, I had a habit of missing appointments mostly because I am not a morning person and they didn’t have many spots open for DBT and didn’t want me to miss therapy.
I have never really commented on anything before besides Facebook but I just wanted to say that I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years now. We live together and have a child together.
It’s not as if I’ve always had long term relationships either as the longest before him was about 7 months and that was unusual. I have my theories of why it works with us. It’s not a rollercoaster/hot/cold/abusive relationship either (although I seemed to regressed very bad for about 2 months in 2013 but we are healing).
It has it’s ups and downs of course (maybe a little more then the normal couple but it works for us) and he has his own set of issues, but we love each other deeply. We would be married of course but because of weird financial issues we currently cannot.
Rick: That’s great to hear. I’m guessing you have a supportive, understanding boyfriend? If you could talk further about him and how you two are together and what he’s like, that would be great information for everyone here.
As I’ve been saying for years, if the man knows what he’s doing in relationships, the BPD behavior of the woman won’t matter. She’ll be on her best behavior around him at all times.
Can you share your thoughts on all this?
Woman: Sure. First off, he isn’t like any other men I’ve had relationships with. He never treats me like a princess or overly nice, but he still is able to subtlety let me know how much he loves me with out me constantly needing validation.
Rick: Sounds exactly like the type of man that I teach my clients to be. In fact, most of my Coaching Podcasts are centered around this training.
Woman: I’ve noticed that all my ex’s before me where very nice to me, treated me great constantly, and it’s almost like the nicer someone would treat me the worst I would treat them. I don’t quite understand why this is.
Rick: LOL that’s because women don’t need a “nice guy” as a boyfriend — they have enough beta orbiters as it is.
Woman: Yeah exactly. Anyway, he is quite stubborn and never backs down in his wants. If the dishes need done and he wants to do them later he is going to do them later. I’m not saying he is a total jerk it’s complicated, you could say tough love but its not that either.
Also, we live together and both don’t work right now. I have a current medical problem, he is on disability. You’d think that this would lead to disaster, but about half the time I sleep with my son in his room (he is three) not because of anger, but my son has troubles getting to sleep.
Rick: Nothing wrong with a little bit of separation. Sleep is hugely important. If you’re not getting good sleep in the same bed as your partner, then sleep somewhere else. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I suffer from this. I simply cannot sleep next to people. I need my own space.
Woman: We also sometimes stay in different rooms most of the day with him in our bedroom on his computer and me in the living room with our son. We will give each other hugs and kisses every now and then.
They are like mini breaks from each other while we are still in the same house. It seems that being away from each other makes us happier as a couple. I’m not saying we are perfect because we can’t handle lots of stress like most normal people probably could. We also don’t do a lot and are homebody’s so that might be an added benefit.
Rick: Nothing wrong with that! In fact, I believe that you two are doing what most couples should. Most people are stuck in this bad mentality that you need to be around your partner all the time.
This is complete nonsense. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When you live together, it’s hard to find that absence.
You two have created healthy boundaries. This is why the Man Cave is such a vital ingredient to healthy relationships. You need space from your partner. Take breaks, kiss, hug, etc. but limit them. Go back to your space away from each other.
This is absolutely a key part to your relationship success. I hope everyone reading this takes note.
Woman: We always joke about how unlucky our son is. I know it’s not something to really joke about but if you don’t laugh you’d have to cry.
My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADD as a child and has horrible social anxiety and his bipolar tendencies and both him and my son were born with club feet. I just hope mental disorders don’t rely too heavily on genetics and more on environmental factors as we try to raise our son with as much love and stability as we can give.
Rick: BPD isn’t a genetic disorder. It’s environmental as you’ve stated. There is nothing genetic about emotional disorders and I don’t care what any other “expert” says otherwise. They are wrong and trying to sell drugs.
The truth about validation (and why you don’t quite understand it) is that those previous ex’s of yours live in a fixed mindset. They are overly nice BECAUSE they wanted YOUR validation. And this makes no sense because you don’t have that fixed mindset.
This is why women lose interest in nice guy beta boys. All that approval seeking and need for validation is typical neediness Women hate neediness with a passion. It’s the one thing that drives them away almost immediately. It’s why “nice guys” fail with women.
But, because a lot of men refuse to change themselves, they blame their failures on their looks, height, women and so on. While looks DO matter, men have a ton of room to work with.
For one, men can hit the gym, fix their diet and get in good shape. They can get a better hair cut and increase their attractiveness by many points.
A man can also work on his confidence. Instead of sitting around playing video games all day, he can devote that time to building a business. Think about how much could have been created with all those hundreds of hours poured into World of Warcraft and other such games?
It’s quite staggering when you reflect on this truth. If I spent 8 hours per day building business, I would be a rich man. But, I choose to only spend a couple hours per day. This is still much more than the nerds that sit on Reddit blaming women for all their problems.
Anyway, I’m glad that you understand how you’re imperfect just like everybody else. So, for someone to seek you for validation is a really big turn off. People don’t like being put on a pedestal. It’s just not healthy, it’s like “Who made me god? I ain’t no god, I’m a human like you! Stop seeking approval/validation from me. I’m no better than you. We all make mistakes.”
So it’s really an insecurity of all these “nice guys.” They are used to failure, so they try to behave in a way that will prevent more failure. But, this mentality of trying to NOT fail, instead of trying to win, causes them to fail. Big key lesson here.
Your boyfriend has faults. You have faults. I have faults. Everybody has faults. No one is better or worse than the other. I believe we’re all equal and responsible for our own life.
This is what I fundamentally believe, it’s called the GROWTH MINDSET and it’s the foundation of what I teach – which means I’m a student just like everybody else. I don’t label people as BPD, I don’t seek validation/approval, it’s not a part of my mind because I understand that women can be just as idiotic as everybody else.
Stereotypes, labels, validation, ideology are for the idiots. The best relationships are built off of a growth mindset. It’s the belief in self-development, responsibility, self-respect, self-motivation. The belief that there is no success or failure, but instead it’s that everything is a learning experience. Not many people think this way. But when you look at all the champions in business, sports, education and beyond, they all share the same beliefs.
So despite the issues your relationship has (and every relationship has issues which is what ‘nice guys’ try to avoid due to their fixed mindsets of success and failure being the only options), the reason why you two continue to get along much better than most relationships is due to your beliefs that line up with the growth mindset.
Your boyfriend is independent and understands how important it is to focus on self. He knows what’s best for him and he isn’t afraid to defend that. He’s not about to avoid conflict because he doesn’t believe in perfection, which nice guys are trying to achieve.
He probably avoids labels, he probably doesn’t judge you, he’s probably a genuine human being which means he’s full of flaws. That’s good! I don’t know him but I’m sure you can verify this. He doesn’t need you, he doesn’t whine, he doesn’t think in regards of just success or failure. He probably knows that suffering in life is unavoidable which only makes us stronger.
A lot of what you said confirms what I’ve been teaching for a long time. When you stop focusing on the definition of BPD and instead OBSERVE your partner’s behavior, the relationship becomes much easier to handle.
A lot of people get insecure when their partner gets distant. But, there’s really nothing you can do about it. The last thing you want to do is react in a needy way, which most people do. This will further push your partner away and kill the relationship for good.
Finally, it IS up to the borderline to seek treatment. You cannot fix people. You can try to be that white knight in shining armor, but you will fail massively.
Anyway, I hope anyone reading this has learned much from this quick discussion. Don’t forget to check out Better BPD Relationships to further your education.