If you’re trying to master your emotions and gain control over your thoughts and feelings, then read on.
1) Humans are emotional beings. They are what drives us day by day.
2) A weak emotional state can be easily controlled by others.
3) Start to pave your own path in life.
4) Learn to love the most powerful word in the world: NO.
5) Interdependence is key. Dependence leads to suffering.
6) Cut out the toxic people in your life.
7) Forgive the past, drop grudges, and move on with your life.
8) End any attention-seeking behavior you may have.
Emotions suck. Emotions are amazing. Wait… wtf am I getting at?
Oh… emotions are up and down! Duh. And learning how to master and control your emotions is key to enjoying a successful, fulfilling life full of joy and relationships.
I feel like emotional control is one of life’s crucial skills that separates the weak from the strong.
It only makes sense that we keep learning about how to master our emotions.
The skill of gaining control of your emotions is not an easy one. As humans, our emotions do and should play a major role in our lives. For good or for bad is where the skill part becomes important.
If you live a life where you’re consistently rules by your emotional state, then you’re going to live a life of ups and down, rarely ever having any sort of lifestyle that’s consistent.
Your relationships will be chaotic, your circle of friends is probably full of similar people, your long-term goals are always in a fog.
Today I bring you 8 ways that will help you get on the path to mastering these emotions. These skills are what separate the successful from everybody else.
Spend the time to work on being a master of your emotions and you’ll reap the benefits.
1. Emotions Are What Drive Us
As I said above, it’s our emotions that make us human. The more emotional someone is, it’s usually the more exciting yet chaotic their live is.
I don’t want you thinking that you need to suppress your emotions. This just wouldn’t be human. After all, it’s our emotions that drive us and motivate us to move.
The key here is where you’re going to move to. Which direction are you going to take? Are you going to head towards making a right choice or a wrong choice? This is where control becomes a big factor.
The more you’re able to accept the chaos and take a step back, the more prepared you’ll be for making a forward-moving choice. Don’t be that person that reacts negatively, making a poor choice and running into the ground.
2. Don’t Let Other’s Control Your Emotional State
This rule applies to everybody that has those pesky, negative friends and family that always tend to bring you down. The reason why this rule plays a vital role in our lives is because words do matter and can be like a sharp knife slowly digging into your skin.
Now it’s really easy for people to just tell you to not listen to your critics. I don’t really advise that because the only time that criticism affects you is when it’s from those that are important to you, even for just a few moments.
The fact that you do get affected by other people is because you probably care about these people. If you’re dating someone that consistently brings you down, then it makes perfect sense that those words hurt you.
So this rule is a very difficult one to master, probably the hardest of them all. What I usually coach people is to instead focus on the bigger picture here: Why are they wasting their time to bring you down?
The most likely answer is that these people got nothing better to do, they aren’t satisfied with their own lives, they get temporary joy out of making people feel shitty, etc.
I find for me that when you focus on the bigger picture, it’s MUCH easier to ignore the hate coming your way. If you’re dating someone with abandonment issues for example, these hateful words are from a much deeper, inner fear that’s simply being projected onto you.
3. Do Your Own Thing. And Own It
When I have hate coming my way, I’m very good at figuring out who it’s coming from and if it’s credible or not. If I’m getting hate from someone that’s not even close to my level, then it’s not going to affect me at all.
If I’m getting hate from someone on my level or above, then I will take a closer look at it. Why?
Because often times when someone that’s actually on your level or better than you, the criticism can be used to make adjustments in your own life. I see it as an opportunity for me to improve.
Someone that’s saying things out of hate and jealousy obviously isn’t going to be above me – only people lower than you say things like this. So this let’s me know that if I’m getting a lot of hate for doing what I love, then it must mean I’m doing the right thing! I own it.
If I’m getting criticism from those above me, then I use that criticism to make adjustments and see where I can improve. It’s a win-win.
This is why for relationships I always try to date someone that’s working hard like me, moving forward, loves growing, etc. because any criticism I get from this person is going to be criticism I won’t take lightly. It can help me improve myself and grow.
This is why relationships are truly about TEAMWORK.
4. Learn To Say ‘NO’
Nearly every person with codependency symptoms have a lot of trouble speaking up, saying NO and sticking with it. You might be able to say NO once or twice, but after some more persuading, you give in.
Salesmen LOVE dealing with people like this because they know that they can get you to buy what they offer at a price that gives THEM a fat commission.
Relationships also suffer heavily for codependents because you become a pushover. You’re dominated in an emotional state where your needs are never fulfilled. You think you’re being a loving partner, but you’re actually damaging the relationship further because you aren’t being honest with yourself and your partner.
I used to work for a successful business owner and one of the best lessons he taught me early on was to simply learn to say no to people. It didn’t matter who. He told me to tell my friends no, my family no, my girlfriends no until I broke free of this desire to please.
It was a great lesson from an entrepreneur because he knew that even for business, learning to say no is one of the most powerful negotiating moves.
5. Don’t Try To Fit In. Be Inspired, But Not Dependent
We really live in an interesting society today. As I mention over and over again in my DETOX book(which you can get for free by filling in your email in the form below this article), we are in the information age.
What this means is that everybody has access to loads of information. We can follow celebrities, fashion icons, professionals, masters, etc. and peer into their lives.
There’s nothing wrong with this and in fact, I encourage you to find people that inspire you, motivate you and push you to grow and evolve.
The problem is when you start to depend on people to push you forward. A lot of people make the mistake and date because they’re lonely, they’re stuck, they need excitement, inspiration, motivation, etc.
This is an issue because instead of being independent and growing on your own, you begin to place the responsibility of growth onto somebody else.
As much as some guys think that they’re job is to ‘save’ or ‘fix’ women, the reality is that her dependence on you will wear you down. This emotional state will cause all of your thoughts to fixate on your partner and pleasing them. Your relationship is doomed at that point.
6. Have A Good ‘People Filter’
Socially, you don’t want to be so easy to let people into your life. Having a good filtering system will come through experience. The more you’re around people, the more you’ll know who and who not to let close.
Being independent is healthy for your emotions. I just want you to understand that. There’s nothing wrong with being single and moving yourself forward.
The thing to watch out for during this single time is when your emotional state falls into the bored and lonely trap. This will happen at certain times because going to bed alone can get, well, lonely after awhile.
This is why women have slumber parties with all their single friends, lol. Quality women know that it’s much better to get together with their friends and sleep over than to call up an ex or a random guy out of loneliness.
Being able to filter certain people out of your life is a great skill to have. When you get these feelings of loneliness, use this as an opportunity to work on yourself whether it’s a hobby, a project, preparing for an event, writing a blog, whatever. Use this time to be productive.
Don’t use it to swipe through Tinder or look at porn or browse for escorts. Hoe’s make their money off the bored and lonely. This is real talk.
7. Forgive and Drop Grudges
Next rule is the all-important rule of forgiveness. I can’t stress how important the process of forgiving is for moving forward and living a happy, fulfilling life.
Holding onto the past and never really letting go of these deep feelings will only bring you further harm down the road. These feelings will burrow themselves deep within you and fester for years and years, only to creep back and cause chaos.
By holding a grudge, you give up power over your emotions. There will come a point in time when something will happen that may trigger some sort of outburst or reaction that you’ll greatly regret.
Don’t let this become a factor. Take care of your future now by forgiving and letting things go. It’s not an easy process and something you may have to remind yourself to do for some time until you’re free of it.
8. Stop Seeking Attention
I bet it’s great to have thousands and thousands of Instagram followers, but here’s the thing… if all your pictures are of you being pretty damn petty and attracting thirsty men by the thousands, then this isn’t really doing you much good.
At the end of the day, you’ll probably just end up with some guy who’s sees you as some piece of meat rather than what’s beyond all the glitz and glamour. And if you’re find with that, then this rule won’t apply.
The point I’m making here is that if you are going to seek attention, it needs to be in ways that actually gathers the attention of like-minded individuals, people that inspire you, motivate you and push you forward. This is a common theme you’re noticing.
When you’re needy in life, people don’t respect you. It doesn’t really matter what you’re needy about. People ultimately respect those of us that are independent, have a will to succeed, motivated to win, etc.
Remember that you attract what you project. If you’re the needy type, you’re going to end up with a partner that’s needy as well. And believe me, this gets old very fast.
Whew, that was long! I hope you enjoyed it and that I’ve given you something to think about going forward. To close out this article, I would like to say that you have the power of CHOICE.
Remember this. As important as emotions are for us, the ability to make DECISIONS and CHOOSE is the other gift given to us humans. What you do with that choice is entirely up to you.
And if you read this far, join my free email newsletter. It’s raw. It’s unfiltered. It’s educational. And it’s entertaining. Plus, I’ll send you a free gift and let you know how awesome you are.
Sheria Richey says
Dear Rick, I’ve been Reading most of your articles subsequent to your book about relationships with the bpd individual. I may add here that I’m married to a man who has bpd. My previous therapist actually spotted this dx in him first. Then the psychiatrist at the VA finally did as well after his being told by two therapists that they “couldn’t help him.” I’m realizing my power to choose and even though I’m disabled myself with fibromyalgia and bi polar disorder. I’m very stabilized on a cocktail of meds that work well for me and have for many many years. Adjustments are made accordingly. I might add that I’ve begun a unique company, a mobile accessory boutique and simply love what I do. I push hard fire every dime I make. That brings me to my point finally, finances. My husband just last night felt very abandoned per usual and got some satisfaction as you mention when I came here to stay over night with my mom, a much needed break I enjoy about once every two weeks(phew), anyway, per usual he was unhappy, no surprise there, that I’M once again, so independent and”doing what I want”, so the once or twice a week, fuck you came flying out of his mouth. I’m very tired of it. My finances, and I’ve been saving every extra penny and quite proud of my savings account. I’m not the push over that I was. The bottom mine though is that financially with my fybromyalgia limiting me, I take stellar care of myself, and am quite attractive per the world’s standards…not important. I’m unable or perhaps unwilling, mostly unable to find myself a place to live that’s affordable. I’m in a bind. I’m hurt beyond what I’d like to even acknowledge with his outburst of hurtful words every few days. I’m finding that as much as I love the man and understand his abandonment issues, I really don’t care for him very much. He is intrinsically mean spirited. I announced this to him last week and he keeps repeating it in front of me as he’s telling the cat, “mommy thinks I’m mean spirited”well he had even said he was himself….I’m going to join the gym today, I quit smoking over the months ago and I’m ready to slowly with the fibro in place to get back to the gym. I’m co dependent, but less and less and he does provide a certain amount of stimulation I must admit. But I’m Sooooooo uncertain as to finding a roof over my head, I’m currently at my mom’s this morning and can feel some of my feelings while I’m here, yay (I think!)..why am I writing? Do I just blow off the put downs that are a regular thing and accept this poor excuse for a husband due to my financial limitations which are predicated by my disability, uggghh!!, or risk it and find a studio apartment finally and take a calculated albeit maybe not the moody stable move financially on my part. Oh gosh, I feel like crying suddenly, I guess I’m fearful and sad. My mother has her own life, he has, our house has a studio attached to it, separate entrance. I notice he’s making no effort to get my bed etc up there and won’t”allow”me to hire someone to get my furnishings up those stairs, the bed etc. Yet he will “allow”me to be in the studio, but oh the hell I believe I’ll pay for occasionally going up there is inordinate, I.e. dint think that’s the best idea. I’ve just turned 55 egads… and I’m wondering what my future is looking like with my husband being ten years my senior and being a handyman/painting contractor, he’s also winding down thus I best look to make it on my item. Ughhhh ughhhh ughhhh. Okay this was long and very wordy I realize. Any suggestions about HOW to decide about my future, btw we’ve been married just over one year fyi….Any input would be greatly desired. Thank you for your wonderful work, your book wad literally an answer to prayer. I got up off my needs after I prayed from being here at my mom’s, got on the internet and there your book was and subsequently purchased it! You’re amazing and have helped me immensely, I get it, I get me, him, the whole situation, I am just battling with having reached me limits with”him”yet he is my husband and I do love the man. I just can’t do”him”week in and week out as it stands. He is desperately attended every group from angry management, to ptsd groups at the va, medication, neuro feedback currently etc etc etc. He keeps trying, I’m watching this man dig deep for self improvement as am I, yet there are consequences I employ when he gets “triggered”with imagined betrayal, abandonment, etc and the verbal abuse repeatedly occurs. It had improved some, is it enough for me to stay?I suppose I may be the only one to finally answer that question and figure things out. Thanks for listening and reading this, I don’t even know if I’ll send it, I suppose I needed to express these things.best regards Sheria
Shena, I have a BPD girlfriend who also has a drug addiction. I feel your pain, but see your starting to see the light. That’s a beginning. On Monday, I picked up my girlfriend from a parole violation center and she couldn’t wait not even 24 hours to start drinking and smoking crack. She came to my apartment after driving her to stay at a woman’s shelter until her home plan is approved. She was out of control once again and started talking about taking pills to end her pain. As she left I called 911 to send police to get her. Well they came and took her to jail or to the woman’s shelter I just don’t know. I called the police dept to ask and they wouldn’t tell me anything. I got a call yesterday from her that she was heading back to the parole center once again for 28 days of rehab. She has done this three times since I’ve known her which has been 11 months. She was mad because I call the cops to get her all the time. I try to reason with her to stay and sleep off her buzz but can’t control her. She asked me if we are fixable, I said everything can be fixed if you want to fix it but it’s up to you to do so and not me. She said she wants it and since that call I have not had any conversation with her. She’s allowed to use her cell but I have her charger. I know someone there would have a charger cord that would fit hers. So either she decided to not fix things and not call me or just cant, I don’t know. I set boundaries in place and I’m not giving in to her manipulating me over and over. It’s not gonna happen. So you have to play hard ball. I suggest you see a therapist which I did and in which has helped me immensely.
What I find interesting is that you want to be with a drug addict. Why put yourself through this? These people are not on the levels of quality that you should be pursuing. There are a lot of high quality women that are desperately in search of that high quality man you can be. So why throw away all this time with a woman that won’t take care of herself? It’s really a reflection of your own self. Are you this low quality as well? I certainly hope not.
Understand: Life is short. Spend your time wisely.
Thanks for this. Just what I need. Right now I’m in a situation where I am a father to be and recently broke up with my partner. Im am 24 ♈ and she just turned 23 ♋. I know signs dont really matter as long as both partners are fully committed to the TEAM. You have opened my eyes to where I went wrong from the beginning by losing myself to my partner. I’m at a stage where I’m working on forgiving her for her part in breaking up with me. I am also working on fogrgiving myself for my stupid reactions to my situations. She exhibits a lot of BPD and I have also. I never cheated nor was i believing i was being abusive, but now I can see where I was emotionally immature and not recognizing her needs. I lost myself and became weak where as she needed me to be strong.
She is 34 weeks now but have completely cut me off. The last words she said to me was “leave us alone”. Even though i have been fighting to be around the whole pregnancy. I wasn’t understanding in the beginning and made a fool of myself by showing immaturity and lack of self respect. I initially was breaking up with her because I was being a little over sensitive and needy and put pressure on her without even understanding I was, even though she communicated this with me but not in a way that could understand. Which led to a lot of disagreements and more misunderstanding, which she requested a break for being overwhelmed. I was confused and emotional. I gave her an ultimatum in the terms of the break and she inevitably dumped me completely and on top of all of these emotions, our baby is on the way. She doesn’t want to see me ever again so she say. Its not possible so that’s irrelevant. We have a child together. After falling into depression my mind messed with me everyday negatively.
.I have began using my resources in advace to be in my child’s life preparing for everthing that will be possibly thrown at me, but sometimes it gets discouraging being alone as a parent. Even though I have my family for support it would be nice to have the mother also. Throughout our whole relationship and even the break up, I’ve never called her out her name, no physical abuse, I never even raised my voice. But I acknowledge now the I was being forceful and judgemental. I have already apologized for it when I read about my actions and figured out where I went wrong and “disrespected” her. Not giving free will to feel the way she wanna feel and unintentionally tried to make her feel guilty and do what I felt was right. I know better now. But like I keep saying I think its too late. After I fight for joint custody how long do you think it would take for someone with BPD to think about rekindling? I honestly want to but only because of the potential we share and I do love her and my child deserves both parents everyday. We are both from youths of divorced parents but still have relationships with our parents, but view the situations a little different. I’ve grown so much in the past year because of this experience and I believe that in due time I will be ready to try to work it out and leave the past in the past and work on the original plan of being the head of a healthy family. In a way I don’t want to move on but in reality I think I would have to. As you can see I have not moved on mentally 100%, but I would give it about a 50% thought. I am going to continue reading your life changing articles. If I have to move on I will but if there is any input you can give it will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks man, yeah a lot of my articles got a lot of gold, but probably 80% of my articles get buried and don’t have much exposure. Good job on digging around :)
Hi Rick, Excellent information, I have never come across a site that really nails it like this. And I have done a LOT of reading and therapy following a fairly traumatic four year relationship. You get this stuff better than anyone I have come across and it is sometimes uncomfortable to read, but rings true every time. So I have some work to do! I see mention of your detox book, it sounded like a good place to start, but cannot find a link to it. Can you send me a copy? Thanks James
Thanks! It’s included as a bonus with my BPD Blueprint program. I no longer sell it separately. Maybe in the future I shall!
Hi Rick, I didn’t see it when I got the program,will take another look at downloads as the detox book sounds a good thing to do.
Harmony J says
Rick, wow, i love your brutal honesty, this article nailed my BPD bf n the stressors we face. Have you ever touched down on if a BPD can be in a successful relationship with another BPD (just got my BPD last week.. Yay me) Or is this BPD vs BPD relationship a recipe for disaster (as its been for the past 2 decades) or can we learn to work w each other sucessfully???
Well, as I always say, BPD is really bad term. It’s too broad. Everyone is different and unique. One BPD is different from the next. It’s just too broad of a term. Therefore, as I always say, focus on the specific behaviors that you’re experiencing in the relationship and do your research from there. If you try to research from just a broad BPD point of view, you’re going to learn a lot of stuff that could make things worse.
Thanks! This is exactly what I needed to hear….great article!!! Thanks sooo much.
You are welcome!
Rodney Yurkiw says
Hey Rick, I am really enjoying on your articles they have a lot of good detailed information, they are very helpful, I have cancelled and took back a cell phone, that got for my ex, for one I did not want to pay the bill for it because she drained me for a lot of money, suppling her OCD, cleaning supplies, and communication with her daughter who is in foster care, because of my ex girlfriend’s health collapsed, two years ago, for being a supermom and anxiety issues, anywaysR i will share that another time, I am requesting the detox book, if it is still available? I’m sure it is a good read! Thanks Rick
Hey man thanks. The DETOX articles are inside of my Relationship Academy now as I’ve built on them and released a new free ebook. Be sure to get on my email list if you haven’t yet.
Rick. Im dating a girl now that seems lretty secure. She has to have a few issues dating me. But thanks to you and other things, i am aware.
I almost fe we could both be codependent, i know i am, but she claims she isnt any more. But she lets my mood dictate hers, and she has a history of pretty bad, really bad relationahips.
Ive only had 1 relationship, so im new to all this. We went throigh the honeymoon phase, went out of it, moved to fast, now we fight non stop, its maddening. Its mostly because my insecurities, shes not a cheater, but i force mysef to believe she is out of my own insecurities.
Thanks for the site Rick, im hoping to gain knowledge cor myself. I want to become a confiendent, independent, interesting guy thaf i know i am, but my insecurities are slowing me down. Im 42, i need to get my shit in gear
No problem man, yes you need to get a hold on those issues you have. This is something that you’re supposed to learn as a teenager, but because of society’s programming, men end up in their 40’s having no clue.