I’ve been getting more and more into my email “Mastermind” group. That’s what I’m calling it, anyway.
It’s where I’m able to unleash my fun and bizarre stories. Not so much ‘shock jock’ material, but a place to give you my advice from what I see and learn almost daily.
If you’re not on it yet, then go here and sign up.
Today’s article is going to dive into some more toxic behaviors that turn your partner off. A lot of what I teach isn’t so much about new techniques or strategies or anything like that…
Instead of giving you more and more stuff that will overwhelm your brain, I instead like to teach people what not to do because less mistakes = happy couple.
The less errors you make in your relationships, the more success you’ll have. This is how I’ve always learned and it’s what I bring with me to this blog and the programs I make for you.
A lot of the problems you’re experiencing in your relationships could very well be because of some small errors and bad habits that you’re not even aware of.
If you can stop doing these things, your level of attractiveness will stay high. In other words, you’ll stop turning your partner off so much.
And when you turn your partner off over and over again, it eventually reaches a point where turning him or her on is just going to be a very difficult process. So let’s dive in.
Mistake 1: Using Logic In Emotional Situations
I talked about this in Saving Her Tsunami which is one of the free reports in the survival pack. I wrote around 20 pages talking about why these irrational arguments are purely emotional and how logic only makes things worse.
Most people make the big mistake of trying to calm their partner down or fix the problem. Your logical brain starts thinking about ways to end these fights and arguments.
Or you start to think how you can fix the problem and make your partner feel better. Both are logical ways of thinking and it’s a very common mistake that only turns your partner off even more.
It’s these logical reactions where your partner gets turned off and pushes you away more and more. And so if you try to push and push against this emotional wall, you’ll always end up on the losing side.
In my article about BPD and earning respect, I talk a lot about self-worth and setting boundaries. However, I’ve noticed that a lot of readers aren’t doing this correctly.
This does not mean you stand up to your partner and say ‘I demand that you respect me. I will not tolerate this attitude.’ This is a logical reaction to an emotional situation.
I talk a lot about how reacting is never the right response. Your reactions are usually an emotional outburst that combines with your logical side of things.
So telling your partner to respect you when he or she is being emotional is just going to cause your partner to have more disrespect for you.
Mistake 2: Making Threats and Ultimatums
While I do believe that ultimatums have their time and place, you will rarely ever be using them.
Many people make the mistake of throwing out an ultimatum during some sort of emotional fight or argument. You’ve had it with your partner and you give him or her this ultimatum.
Now because your partner is in a highly emotional state, your partner’s response will always be a negative one to your ultimatum. They’ll tell you to F off or ‘go ahead and leave see if I care’ or ‘that’s fine I’m leaving!’ and out they go lol.
Both are purely emotional responses. So again, using ultimatums in a highly emotional environment is your logical brain reacting to the situation.
I really can’t stress how important it is to understand logic and emotions. They are extremely huge in relationships are responsible for nearly all of the mistakes I see people make.
A lot of guys get confused by their woman because he just can’t seem to ‘figure her out.’ Well, the first mistake here is that he’s trying to figure her out when she’s being emotional.
The reality is that when she’s being emotional, she probably doesn’t even know who she is either. Trying to figure out her emotions with logic is just going to drive you up the wall.
Mistake 3: Bringing Up Events of the Past
The next common problem people make in relationships is bringing up events of the past. Both men and women do this all the time and I’ve seen it ruin relationships over and over again.
The past can be a real bitch. I know this more than anyone. But whether you allow it to define you and control your thoughts is purely your choice.
But I’m also not that simple to believe you can simply wish away the past and let it go. I know it’s hard, it takes a lot of time to move on from things that are especially damaging. Forgiveness is the hardest task for humans to do.
The problems arise when you bring your past into a relationship that has nothing to do with your partner. This is mainly what I’m talking about here.
Just because some previous guy or girl ended up hurting you does not give you permission to treat your new partner poorly, to be accusatory, to compare him or her, to treat them differently, to prejudge.
And yet so many people do this. They have a bad experience with a man or woman, so they go into their next relationship with a giant wall. Because they’ve put this wall up, you can never really be yourself.
Now I’m not saying you need to just enter into a relationship fully open and committed. That would be silly. But if you’ve been dating the same person for awhile now and still holding things back out of fear, you’ve got some big issues to work out.
The past is a learning tool. You use the past to forge a better future. To use the past as a way to limit yourself is a mistake that a lot of people make. You want your life to be about the future and who you’re going to be – not who you were.
It’s out of fear when we let the past limit who we want to be. What I always tell people is to learn all you can from your past, learn what not to do and then move forward like a boss. Cut people out along the way.
Mistake 4: Peanut Butter and Jelly
The precursor to hate… jealousy.
Jealousy is one of those things that if you let it hang around you long enough, it will completely warp your mind and turn you into a very bitter, sad human being.
Jealousy leads to hate as Master Yoda once said before his death on Dagobah. And these are the wisest of words anyone could really give on the subject.
If you don’t consciously recognize your jealousy, it will sit deep within you and fester until it’s turned itself into a giant black sludge of hate.
There are men out there that literally hate women because they’ve been rejected over and over again as they grew up. These men never really learned how to develop their attractiveness and thus women have never been interested in them.
Their deep down jealousy of never being able to turn a woman on turns into an explosion of hatred. The extreme cases are ones like that kid in Santa Barbara that shot and killed women because he couldn’t figure out what women want.
He had his own fantasy idea in his head that just wasn’t grounded in reality. He ‘hated all the jocks and blonde women that were with them’ because he believed that he was a true gentleman. He obviously had major issues, but jealousy and hatred were a BIG part.
Both men and women can be slaves to jealousy. The solution is to not bury it and remain hard-headed. Instead, you need to recognize it and seek answers to this problem before it turns into hate.
I’m of the camp that hate is jealousy. I really believe that if you’re hating on someone, you’re either jealous or envious of that person even if your hard head would never admit it. That’s just reality :)
Mistake 5: Passive-Aggressive for Attention
This is just an annoying mistake I see both men and women doing. Even celebrities and people of power get caught up using social media to be passive-aggressive.
The last place you want to be venting your anger and frustrations is to your private followers on twitter. It’s seriously the most annoying thing you can do.
Now you might be dating a guy that just doesn’t understand you. That happens as it’s common for men these days to not understand women (because men are so damn logical and wasting time on Tinder lines).
But to go on twitter or facebook and make some vague post about your inner feelings of the world and society might get you a few likes, but it’s definitely only making things worse for you.
Birds of the same feather flock together. So the only people that are going to give you love and attention for your passive-aggressiveness are depressed as well.
Solution: put the phone down. Communicate.
Easier said than done, I know. But if your partner truly doesn’t understand you, then maybe this isn’t a relationship you should stay in…
Mistake 6: Snooping
Quite possibly the biggest turn off out of all, snooping on your partner’s phone or ipad or computer or whatever is sooooo unattractive.
I broke up with a very attractive model last year because this woman just wouldn’t stop snooping no matter how many times I told her that it isn’t cool.
Snooping is one of those things that both men and women do. And it isn’t right! If you’re getting insecure and unsure about your partner, then you need to take it up with them.
Trust issues are your own problem, not your partners. This is why I stress core development. When you develop yourself into an awesome individual, you’re not going to be stressing over these petty trust issues.
You won’t feel the need to snoop through text messages and emails and facebook conversations. You think higher of yourself to do that. You have self-respect and integrity.
Even if your partner is cheating on you and lying to your face, you still should not snoop. Just break up if you lack trust. You’re not ready for a relationship.
Mistake 7: Relationships Complete You
Last but definitely not least is the belief that a relationship is what you need to feel happier and full of love.
Well, the reality is that unless you’ve spent time developing your core, you’re not ready for a relationship. It’s going to cause more harm than good.
The reason our society is so shallow and petty is due to the lack of self-discipline, self-respect, self-love, self-development. It’s a lot easier to swipe on Tinder and hope to meet someone ‘cool’.
It’s this ‘magic pill, fast-food’ society we live in. When things are very easy all around us, we forget that anything substantial and worth having requires work.
This is the same for relationships. If you’re struggling to find yourself a healthy relationship, it’s 100% due to the fact that you haven’t been putting in the work to develop your core and build the things that truly matter.
I’ve been reading Oprah Winfrey’s book the past couple of days and she says that her biggest lesson in life is that she wished she had valued herself more when she was younger.
I want you to do the same.
You won’t find this value on Tinder or in a bar or in bed with a random guy or girl.
You’ll just walk away feeling worse the next day, believe me.
You can only find this value in your core. So develop it.
Want the “fast-track” to core development?
It’s what will make you feel loved and respected. It’s truly the key to relationship success.
No amount of pick up lines or text messages will save you from doom.
It all starts with developing the things that REALLY matter.
thanks – so what’s the solution to #1?
I didn’t go into it because I wrote a free ebook on this whole topic. It’s in the relationship survival pack so be sure you grab that!
So just wondering, if your partner really is cheating and you walk away because you no longer trust her, how does that make you not ready for a relationship?
What if they aren’t cheating on you, but you just suspect them you be? Your lack of trust has already killed it.
Hi Rick – love your blogs – especially the 7 signs you’re dating a quality man. It’s definitely a must read for men!
Regarding #6, if you have partner who is lying convincingly but there’s something just “off”, how do you handle that. Indications are there (slightly isolated, hiding phone, taking it into the bathroom, etc) and all circumstances seem to point that something is going on.
So you communicate with them and they say with a smile “nothing is going on at all. you have nothing to worry about” but the behavior persists. So you’re left with this insecurity that just builds a wall between the two of you. What do you do? I snooped… I found out she had been lying the whole time. Yes, it was wrong. I suppose I should have trusted my gut and just left (after 4 years) but then I’ve just validated your response to Lou.
How do you reconcile that situation? All the signs showed her commitment phobia/BPD and I wasn’t secure enough to handle it with aplomb. However, at some point you end up getting taken advantage of and being played for the fool. What’s your recommendation? What’s your recommendation on handling this?
The recommendation starts from day 1 of the relationship, which is why I’m really not in the business of ‘saving’ relationships or ‘getting an ex back’. Because it’s really all about how you present your identity, your character and your attitude at the BEGINNING before you two are even dating. So in your case, you just have to take your experience as a hard lesson and in the future when you meet and date new women, make sure you’re displaying all the right qualities BEFORE you even go out with these girls. This is why for me personally, all the women I dated, even BPD women, were always committing to me and locking me down instead of the other way around.
Obviously every relationship is different and you never know what will happen in 4 years, but I’ve been dating an ’emotionally crazy’ girl for over a year now and we’ve had no issues, no drama, it’s really solid. But hey who knows what can happen in 4 years. All I know is that I’m going to keep being me and I’ll keep doing my thing and I’ll stay on my journey. And that’s really what women like in a man. I have no plans of getting married any time soon and the women I date know that.
But even with all that said, you never know what can happen in the future. Sometimes relationships just don’t work out. But like I said for me, whether a relationship works or not, I’m going to be fine. I work on myself and my goals everyday and I don’t let a relationship get in the way of that and neither should you.
Thanks Rick. I’ve downloaded the survival pack. surprisingly enough, between the time you replied and now, and after a year apart, we’re going to try again. Now I’m aware of the challenges of the relationship and am in a better place myself, we have a chance. She’s also don a lot of work it seems. You seem to be the only website that says “you can make a BPD relationship work” so I’ll be now working through that section as quick as I can :-). Mike
Yes just make sure you keep your focus on yourself. I’d suggest signing up for my BPD course to give you additional insights, I mean why not, you’re about to try to make things work again. See if my info can really get you into the driver’s seat ;)
I CAN HONESTLY SAY AT THE AGE OF 25 years old I won’t entertain another female as long as I live, I felt love towards someone once and could few she loved me but after her become distant and prefer to involve her ‘followers’ in her life rather than the father of her child my hands are washed of her and I don’t want to be near that drama ever again, was the love real if she got bored? If after all this time she preferred her owe space… fuck that the older I got the more I wanted to be with her, have a proper family with her, a house.. a home, but fuck her, My children will feel loved by me no matter what
Love is subjective and I would make the argument that 99% of society will never know true love. Admiration and infatuation are not love. I think your attitude is actually okay in that you shouldn’t entertain women — they should entertain you! One of my strongest core values is to never go out with a woman who isn’t more attracted to me. It’s a waste of time, you can’t convince a woman to want you. Your situation may improve as the years go by so don’t lose hope. You still got a child with her. Not saying you should ever date her again, but do try to bring your best self around your kid at all times.