Happy 4th everyone! I personally love this holiday as having the freedom to actually run a blog like this is amazing.
So with that said, I’ve got some killer tips for all the codependent, passive women out there that are trying to heal and recover.
Just as a quick plug, I’m in the process of creating a course that’s all about recovering from Codependency. It’s similar format to my BPD course is that it will have an ebook and several hours of audio training.
With that said, let’s dive on into these codependency tips for women! Set aside 10 minutes or so and take some notes if you wish, jot them down in your journal (you are journaling, right?)
And yes, you men reading this will get a lot out of these tips as well…
1. Stop Thinking You Need Permission
Permission for what, exactly?
Well, this depends on your own personal life. Do you often feel that you need your partner or other’s to give you an ‘okay’ before you do something?
Do you feel like you’re living your life with the rules of other’s or the rules that society has thrown into place?
If you constantly feel this inner struggle per say, then this can directly lead to codependent problems in your life.
Instead of living a life of opportunity and risk-taking for example, you instead start living a life of fear and passivity because you always do what you think is okay instead of what you want to do.
Women that ‘break the rules’ are normally looked down by society. But you know what? Fuck society. Fuck the rules.
If you want to break free from your Codependent behavior, the first rule is to say “fuck the rules” and do what you really feel like doing.
2. Have Opinions and Don’t Be Afraid to Speak Up
The opposite of a codependent woman is the independent woman. She values her own time and her own space in the relationship.
But I believe that one of the biggest differences between codependent women and independent women is her ability to speak her mind.
And not being afraid to do so. This rule directly relates to the first one above, as you can see.
The bigger, deeper issue here is whether you value yourself – or not. Most women who are passive and codependent don’t really value themselves.
Therefore, you keep your opinions to yourself. You don’t speak your mind out of fear that your opinion and ideas simply aren’t that valuable.
This mindset needs to shift. You need to see your ideas and opinions as awesome and worthy of sharing to the world. Don’t let anyone keep you from saying what you want to say.
3. Stop Seeking Validation and Approval
You can see how these tips stack on top of the core issue – your values and beliefs.
The reason that 80% of my training focus on values and beliefs is because I want you to start feeling valuable. I want you to feel worthy.
This is exactly how you develop confidence. And confidence is what makes you independent. You stop relying on others to make you feel valuable and happy.
The reason why a lot of men date codependent women is because they can manipulate her, use her and generally have an easy-going relationship (in his head, at least).
However, these relationships always turn sour because as you begin to feel manipulated and unworthy, that negative energy starts breaking down the love.
Relationships take two people, especially in marriage as the communication must be on point.
Therefore, BOTH the codependent and the manipulator are at fault. This is why it’s important to focus on your own codependency issues.
4. Be Proud of Your Accomplishments
Want to break free from your codependency? Then be proud of who you are. Be proud of the steps you’ve taken in your life, your accomplishments.
Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. But breaking free is really about leaving the past behind. Let it go and focus on this present moment.
Who you are today and going forward is determined 100% by who you decide to be right now. So be proud of that. It’s a very freeing mindset.
Don’t look to others to appreciate you for your accomplishments. You will always be disappointed when you seek others approval, as I talked about above.
Instead, be proud of your own self. Feel powerful. Dance around the house if you’re home alone and really pump yourself up.
There’s no better time than now to set some goals for yourself and start working little by little every single day to reach them. That’s the key to the independence you seek.
5.There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Intimidating
Something I often hear from codependent women is that they’re afraid to stand up for themselves and speak their mind because they don’t want to be intimidating.
But what you don’t understand is that the most attractive personality of a woman is the intimidating personality.
The strongest types of men want intimidating women. Because to a strong, quality man, it doesn’t come off as intimidation – men like me see it as confidence and strength, which is the most attractive qualities in both men and women.
The reason why most relationships are in shambles today is because most men and women are weak and passive. Most women don’t have that intimidation factor. And most men don’t have the equivalent of that which is being a badass.
So, you end up with these relationships where the communication is off since either the man or the woman has codependent personality traits and living with some sort of fear/doubt.
So trust me ladies… if you want to be more attractive and really step up your game, strive to be intimidating.
Don’t fear that you’ll be labeled as a crazy girlfriend. Only weak men say things like that.
The days of the weak, passive woman are behind us. And the women of the past who were taught that way to live never really found the happiness and fulfillment they deeply desired.
6. You Don’t Really NEED Your Partner
I really want to stress the need here. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, wanting to find love and a partner.
But there really is a massive difference between want and need – and from my teaching experience, most codependents don’t understand the difference.
A lot of codependents live their life thinking that they have to do things or that they can’t do certain things.
Whereas the healthy way of thinking is more like “I want to do this” or “I really don’t want to do that.”
To see how this can really extend into your normal life, take a look at this example:
Let’s say you have a test coming up tomorrow. The poor mindset is one where you tell yourself that you have to study for the exam tomorrow. You have to be there on time.
Whereas the healthy mindset is one of “I don’t want to study for the exam, but I will.” and “I want to be there on time so I’m prepared.”
It’s a subtle difference, but it’s a big difference as it affects your entire way of thinking.
Most codependents think in terms of having to do something. Or that they can’t do something.
So really be conscious with your thought habits and see where you tend to think this way.
Keep in mind that it’s perfectly healthy to not want to do something. But that’s a much different way of thinking than having to do something.
Subtle, but extremely important.
7. It’s Better to Be Respected Than Liked
The final tip for codependents is a big one. This is a tip that the rare, healthy individual has fully accepted.
And it’s the fact that being respected is much more important than being liked.
Because the reality in this world is that no matter how nice, giving and pleasing you are to others, there will always be people that will dislike you and not appreciate what you do.
And that’s okay. Being independent is understanding this fact. It’s being selfish in a good way and realizing that if you don’t FIRST respect yourself, you’ll never get respect from others.
A lot of relationships are toxic due to both men and women thinking that relationships are about sacrificing your own needs for the needs of your partner.
But this lie has ruined more families and children than any other I can think of right now.
If you can’t first take care of yourself, you can never take care of those in your family.
Your needs will go unmet and that will bring much more toxicity into the relationship than the good you’re trying to bring into it.
And this is because you have no value to give when you don’t respect yourself.
The key word above is value. Never forget this word as it’s the key to being respected, which leads to being loved.
When you respect yourself, find yourself worthy and valuable, you are THEN able to provide value to others – such as your partner, your children and others.
The reason why codependent women always have problems in their relationships is because they don’t focus on developing their own value.
So I encourage you to work hard on these tips. Let go of the past. Focus on who you are today and who you want to be.
And get to work on making your goals into reality :)