After a long and eventful weekend, I’m back in the ‘office’ and ready to bring you guys and girls some more dating advice – as well as what you can do to start seeing immediate results!
And by office, what I really mean is the local coffee shop. I’m fortunate enough to run a ‘lifestyle’ business that I’ve built over the years and I really think it’s had positive effects on my dating life. I’ll be discussing more of this in the future.
For now, let’s get our mindsets back on point because that’s what really matters, especially when it comes to dating for both men and women.
I’ve been training both men and women in relationships for awhile now and one of the biggest realizations I’ve had from all this is that it’s really our mindsets that get in our way.
Things like our values, opinions, beliefs, and our dreadful ego all play the biggest roles in dating. I had a fun, heated discussion on the forum with one of the members in my “Relationship Roadmap” program and it once again just shows how our mindsets and poor beliefs create walls that can often ruin our relationships.
What I mean by walls is what I mentioned above: our poor core values and beliefs, our close-minded opinions which we assume are fact when they’re not, and our ego gets in the way and tries to ‘protect’ us by saying we’re right. The reality is that we become closed off and thus can’t listen or understand the ones we love.
It’s a very common issue and it’s why the majority of my articles on my blog are focused around fixing mistakes instead of offering techniques. I write a lot about the correct dating mindsets and why they’re important.
So today’s article is going to continue down this path: 7 common dating mistakes and how you can fix them. Let’s dive in!
1. Dating Out Of Boredom
First mentioning is the most common of all. I’ve been victim of this many, many times and it’s always led me to seeing some girl that I really wasn’t all that crazy about.
I know that most people do this. All you have to do is look around and you’ll see how common this really is. Most relationships are this way. Most people date simply because they’re bored.
As a man, we usually forget to think about the qualities in women that actually make her a good partner. We focus on whether she’s physically attractive. Or sometimes we’re so bored that we just want a girl to talk to us.
Eventually, these relationships end usually abruptly. You meet someone new that’s simply better and you’re out. Whether it’s cheating or not doesn’t really matter – you’re gone and that’s it.
These days, it’s especially important for men to always be working on being the best they can be. Women want to be with a great man and she’ll leave you when that great man comes through. He’s just a bigger, better deal.
So the solution as a man is to be great yourself. Never forget this. Always be working every single day, get those mindsets right and dump the bad habits.
2. The Need for Approval/Validation
A more serious problem than just being bored, I hear men tell me all the time how they want to date a quality woman because it will ‘prove’ that he’s a quality guy.
While I think it’s great that you want a quality, forward moving woman, your mindset is off here because you’re still seeking approval by wanting her to be ‘proof.’
This is actually the problem a lot of great men face. They work hard, they know they’re good, loving and loyal. So why do they struggle with women?
Because they want women for the wrong reasons. And women being experts at reading men, they can see that insecurity in you. She might even know you’re a great man, but it’s that validation seeking that turns her off.
Understand that women don’t want to be your trophy. And when you’re seeking this validation/seal of approval, you’re basically putting her on a pedestal before you even meet her.
As you can see, this is all a mindset issue. It’s why I focus so much on teaching men and women the right mindsets because it’s really what works.
3. The Honeymoon Phase
The honeymoon phase is something I talk about a lot when giving advice to people in BPD relationships. Often times people blame relationship failure on the BPD, but the reality is that you also contributed to a lot of the problems you face.
One of these big problems is the honeymoon phase. This is when you meet someone and things escalate quickly. You’re seeing each other a lot, having mind-blowing sex and ‘in love’ in a just a short period of time. Usually within the first couple of weeks.
It’s called the honeymoon phase because things take off so fast. Emotions are high and you feel like you’ve won the lottery. Things just can’t get any better and this is what you’ve always dreamed of having.
The problem is that dreams are usually a fantasy. So the honeymoon phase, even though it might be something real, is still really a fantasy – it’s not how true, deeper relationships develop.
The key for developing a strong, healthy relationship really lies in your patience and your timing. Know what women want and take the time to discover these things.
4. Forcing The Relationship
This goes both ways as men and women want to turn something casual into more serious. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting this for yourself. Knowing yourself and what you want is important.
The obvious problem is that the person you want a relationship with isn’t really interested in making things more serious for now. So you have the choice of sticking it out and seeing if it will develop further or jumping ship.
It’s a tough decision to make when you really like this person. But you need to go back to the beginning of the relationship and look at all the actions that have brought you to this point.
Did you two initially meet out of boredom through a Tinder swipe? Did things escalate quickly? Have you always seemed to be the more attached one? Are you the one always putting in more effort?
These are important questions to ask yourself because they tie in with the other points in this article. It all comes back to the foundation of the relationship.
For example, maybe the guy or girl you’re seeing is due to a rebound. They may deep down still want their ex back so they aren’t committing to anything. This is just an example of what to keep in mind.
The key is to really just not force relationships. I don’t even look at a couple as a relationship. I instead look at it as two people kicking butt in life together. With our powers combined, we are an unstoppable force.
5. Carrying The Relationship
Or maybe you two are technically together but it still feels off. You often feel that you’re the one carrying the load in the relationship, always putting in the most effort.
It’s not a fun feeling because you really want your partner to put in more effort. But that’s the problem – your partner isn’t nearly as committed as you are and there could be several reasons for this.
What I do know for sure is that when the balance of a relationship is off (ie you putting in all the work), your efforts rarely are rewarded. And this is why ultimately you shouldn’t be carrying a relationship.
Like I said before, I see a relationship as two strong people coming together and combing your energy to plow through life together. So naturally if my partner isn’t going to be on board with this, I’m just going to keep going without them. I don’t stick around.
This is why I stress that your mindset towards relationships has to change from the common, ‘normal’ view. You really want to find someone that matches your beliefs and desires. The more open-minded you are, the easier it becomes because you can adapt and evolve.
6. Invasion of Privacy
I like mentioning this point because I really think that an invasion of privacy is a deal breaker. Just because you’re dating someone doesn’t give you permission to access their emails, text messages or whatever.
By doing this, you’re just proving that you have trust issues. And if you have trust issues, you shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with.
If you suspect your partner is lying to you, then find evidence in a different way. Simply saying ‘if you have nothing to hide, then why won’t you let me look through your phone?’ is no way to treat your partner. There’s got to be a level of trust no matter what.
Even if your partner is up to no good and lying to you, I still find it wrong to go through their stuff. You’re better off just going with your gut feelings and ending things if your suspicions are just too much for you.
I just find this to be a big deal because no matter how close you are to someone, we all need to have our own privacy to an extent. If you don’t believe this, then that’s your opinion. I just know through a lot of experiences that having your own privacy is important for success and self-growth.
7. Ignoring The Obvious Red Flags
Just because the person you’re dating might be great in the bedroom doesn’t mean you should be ignoring the red flags. I find this to be the case in a lot of BPD relationships.
One of the factors that makes me a great partner is that I give everybody a chance. I don’t prejudge and I keep an open mind. I know that people can change (I wouldn’t be here writing articles and coaching people if I didn’t believe so) and with that I let time reveal the truth.
I owe a lot of my successes in life due to my patience and time management. I know that actions speak louder than words and therefore, the truth will always reveal itself.
Much of the training is focused around the right mindsets and developing your knowledge and skills. This is because when you learn what makes a relationship great, it will develop naturally. There’s no reason to force anything, no reason to wonder, no reason for confusion.
Often times it’s our bad mindsets and poor habits that cause us to either look over red flags or not even notice them at all. By the time these warning signs start becoming a daily problem, you’re deeply entrenched in the relationship and getting out is a whole new ball game.
If you want to fix your relationship, then you start with the right mindsets and attitude. Avoid looking for techniques and whatnot because the only way to get long-term change for the better is through overall change. That all starts from inside of you. Techniques are just surface level.
I know it can seem like a lot can go wrong in a relationship after going through this list, but understand that most of the errors people make are all tied together.
One poor mindset leads to another and so on.
If you notice with this list, most of these mistakes are all related to each other.
And these are the most common ones you’ll find in 99% of all the relationships around you.
So, you need to start with the basics.
Start with your mindsets and beliefs and see what else you could learn and unlearn to give you the success you want.
The masters of anything have mastered the basics.
That’s the ‘secret’ to any sort of success.
Great article.. applies to us all!
Thanks for all the help. I believe i have a better understanding thanks to what ibhave read here. I truly appreciate it.
Very helpful indeed. I am a person who values friendship/relationship. So when it comes to end or out of sudden, the other person just leave me hanging or without letting me know why it makes me curious and question.. I feel bad too sometimes. I know I can’t control them but it just I always need a reason/logic/explanation especially when I didn’t even know what went wrong and everything is fine. I prefer open communication and setting boundaries rather than cut ties and be sellfish because when you engaged any relationship it’s about working together not solely one person. I will ask them but if they didn’t reply or avoid me, I’ll accept that, respect myself to walk away, just keep going with my life without them and pray to God for good. Sometimes i found it is hard to handle this when being left hanging.. But it’s about finding the balance, know your boundaries and values. Thanks for clarify my understanding via this post.
Yeah you’re of the logical type which is cool. It means you’re intelligent. I used to tell logical people do only date other logical people. But, I now realize that even if you date someone who’s logical like you, the relationship will still fail if you don’t understand the emotional side of things. You need to understand this fact — relationships are ALL about the emotions. You won’t get answers you seek, you’ll be confused and have drama. The logical way to solve these problems is to seek out your partner and talk it out. But, this rarely works and you must learn how to communicate on an emotional level. There are non-verbal ways to send strong messages.